Undeserved
by ZombieJazz
Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She, along with the help of her co-workers and friends, navigates the devastating news and the new developments it brings to her life. Noah's growing up and she is right along with him - in ways she never quite dreamed she'd have to. Parenthood is harder than she'd hoped. Story 5 of series.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

He glanced up at her from the paperwork at his desk. She'd stepped away to take a call.

She looked really tired – bordering on unwell.

"Everything OK?" He asked. "You're acting a little under the weather today?"

She just waved her hand and sat back down.

"I'm fine. Just tired. I was up most of the night with Noah. I think he's got a bit of the flu or something. That was actually just his doctor's office. She can see him this afternoon so I'm going to try to slip out a couple hours early here," she told him.

Elliot nodded. He knew nights like that. At least he had someone to share shifts with.

"What's wrong with him?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. He hasn't been himself for a couple weeks now. Just tired all the time, complaining about a sore throat, not really eating and the last couple nights he's had these night sweats and a low-grade fever. It's likely just a cold that won't let go or something. But I'll get him checked out. You know how daycares are – not happy about having a sick kid there spreading the germs around."

He nodded again.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

Noah had seemed even more lethargic than he had been in the morning when she picked him up at the daycare. She thought his complexion looked slightly more pale too. She was glad she'd made the decision to call the doctor's and that she'd been able to squeeze him in today.

He'd been slow walking behind her and she almost felt like she was dragging him, to the point she eventually picked him up and carried him part of the way, even though she felt he was starting to get a little old for her to be doing that. On the subway, he opted to sit in her lap rather than claim his own seat beside her – to her it was just another sign that he wasn't feeling himself.

He huddled on her lap again as they sat waiting in the exam room for the doctor to come in. When the door clicked open, Noah buried his face into his mother's shoulder and she rubbed his back a bit.

"Hi Noah," Dr. Walker smiled at the little boy who was trying not to look at her. "So what's up?" she asked Olivia.

"He just hasn't been feeling very well," she told the doctor, who walked closer to them and had rubbed Noah's back too. Olivia adjusted her son so the doctor could better look at him and listen to his heart, take the temperature from his ear and flash the small light into his eyes. She felt around his neck and she saw Noah swallow hard and try to pull away.

"He's been really tired and has complained about having a sore throat," she added. "He's not eating as well as usual and the last couple nights he's been up and just soaked in sweat."

The doctor nodded. "How long has this been going on?"

"About two weeks. I wasn't too worried about it – until these sweats," she said.

"You haven't caught him with a fever, though?"

"Yeah, but it's just been a really small one. I'm not sure if our thermometer might need to be replaced. It's only been up about point-seven each time I've checked."

"Does anywhere hurt, Noah?" She asked the boy.

He nodded and pointed to his neck and then touched his elbows and his one knee. He hadn't mentioned to Olivia that his elbow or knee were bothering him too. She rubbed the knee he'd touched for him.

"How about we come sit over here on the table?" The doctor said, patting it and pulling across a new piece of paper.

Olivia lifted him off her lap and stepped over to the table. When she went to set him down, he held onto her neck. "Com'on Noah," she whispered. "Be a big boy about this." He slowly loosened his grip. He was being so quiet and shy – it was also out of character for him.

The doctor turned back around from where she'd typed a few notes into the computer terminal.

"Can you just take off his shirt for me?" She asked.

Olivia eased the shirt over the boy's head, having to push his arms up a bit.

The doctor stepped forward almost immediately spotting a bruise on his left side and a couple small ones on his arms.

"What happened here?" She asked, rubbing above one on his arm gently.

Olivia suddenly felt a little self-conscious about it. She knew that if she saw bruises her cop instinct would raise suspicions and questions. She didn't want anyone thinking those sorts of things about her. She'd never hit her son.

Noah was active and she made sure he got every opportunity to run and play. It meant slips and falls – cuts and bruises. But it was just boys being boys.

"He took a spill on the playground about a week ago," she said.

"Does he usually bruise easily?" The doctor asked. Olivia could see she was pressing her fingers into the white skin of his underside of his forearm and watching the colouring change from red to pink to back to white.

"Not really," she said.

"What about these?" She was pointing to little red dots on his chest and stomach and back.

"Oh, his skin is really sensitive and I accidentally picked up a different detergent. I think it's just a reaction to that. Isn't it?"

Instead of answering the doctor asked, "Are they anywhere else?"

"He has some on his legs too."

She nodded. "Can we take his pants off too?"

Olivia was starting to get worried. She stepped towards her son but he vehemently shook his head no at the concept of taking off his pants in front of the doctor.

"Sweetie, I'm right here," she promised and pulled them down despite him getting teary. She gently set him back on the table.

"Noah, I'm just going to get you to lie back, hon," the doctor said.

He looked to his mother. "I'm right here," she told him. She helped him lay back and then kept a hold of his hand.

The doctor moved and first looked at his legs. There were more of the dots on his thighs.

She then started pressing against his stomach.

"OK, Noah, you just tell me if anything hurts when I touch it, OK?" She said soothingly. Noah squirmed and whimpered a bit looking at his mother, who was trying to give him reassuring looks while also watching what the doctor was doing. She noticed she seemed to be spending a lot of time on his one side. Pressing and releasing and feeling around.

"Does that hurt Noah?" She asked again.

He nodded.

"A ouch hurt or is it all achey?" She asked.

"Achey," Noah said quietly.

"OK, sweetie. I'm going to push down and then I'm going to let go. I want you to tell me which hurts more." She pushed down. "OK, I'm pushing down now and now I let go." Her fingers came up.

"I don't know," Noah said, his eyes pleading at his mother. She stroked his head.

"His spleen feels enlarged," the doctor told Olivia. "I might want to send him for an ultrasound of that."

She worked her way up and felt around his collarbone and then his neck again. Noah jerked away.

"Don't," he cried.

The doctor looked at Olivia. "I'd like to check the lymph nodes in his groin area," she told her.

Olivia shook her head. "I mean, it just seems like the flu, doesn't it?"

"I'm just think we should be thorough," the doctor told her. "Is it OK if I do the exam?"

Olivia's head was reeling this didn't seem like any other doctor's visit they'd had. She'd brought Noah in with bronchitis, ear infections and runny noses with fevers that just wouldn't quit before. None of them included the doctor having her son lie on the exam table in his underwear.

"Umm, yeah, that's fine," she finally said. She gripped Noah's hand a bit tighter. "Dr. Walker is going to touch you down here," she said, using her other hand to motion at her own crotch. "You just keep looking at me and I'm right here," she assured him.

"It's only going to be a few seconds, Noah," the doctor assured the boy. She quickly pressed into a few points along his groin, in the crease between his thighs and pelvic plate. Then she lifted his underwear front and took a quick look.

She stepped away and reached to put some anti-bacterial on her hands and scrubbed.

"You haven't noticed a change in his testicle size?" She asked.

Olivia looked at her again. She didn't spend much time contemplating her son's balls.

"I don't think so."

"And no obvious swelling anywhere else?" The doctor's hand went to her neck, pointing to an example location. "It'd be an obvious bump."

"No," Olivia said. She didn't like the reference to a bump.

The doctor nodded. "You can get dressed now, Noah." She looked to Olivia. "I just need to get a lab requisition form. I'll be back in a minute."

"A lab requisition form?"

"I'm going to order some blood work," she said.

Noah was back on her lap and clinging to her even more tightly than before by the time the doctor came back and handed her the paperwork. She glanced at her watch.

"You should be able to just get into the lab downstairs before they close for the day. I've labeled it as urgent, so they should get you through and have the results back to me tomorrow."

Olivia gapped at her. "I really don't understand. What are we talking about here?" She looked over the form – it seemed like a lot of the boxes had been ticked off.

"You might be right – it might just be a cold and a rash. But I just want to be thorough in this case – so I'm just going to run a few tests to rule out some other things."

"What kind of other things?"

"Strep throat, mono, H1N1 – it could be a variety of things at this point. It's really too soon to speculate."

Olivia didn't like the vibe she was getting here.

"You were asking about lumps and looking at his lymph nodes," she said. "That can be from those things?"

She nodded. "They can be. Noah is showing some curious symptoms and, I think we just should be thorough. I don't think we should speculate right now."

Olivia was trying not to freak out – but her mind was screaming at her that doctors didn't look for lumps and lymph nodes unless it was cancer.

"Cancer?" She asked. She tried to say it quietly even though she doubted Noah even knew what the word meant.

"Olivia, I don't want to scare you," she said. "The signs and symptoms Noah is showing could be related to many things. I think the best thing to do right now is to just run the blood work."

"But it could be cancer?"

She doctor nodded. "It could be. But it could also been strep throat – or an allergenic reaction to that fabric softener. It could be a whole host of things right now. I don't know right now – that's why I'd like to be thorough and to run a few tests."

"Well is there something I can give him to make him feel a bit better tonight? So he can sleep better? To sooth his throat?"

The doctor shrugged slightly and held her file to her chest.

"Just some children's Tylenol for now is likely best. You could give him some hard candies or a warm drink to help with his throat. A bath if he has a sweat tonight."

Olivia sighed. This was basic stuff that she was already doing.

"Is he OK to go to daycare? I mean, is it contagious?"

"We don't know yet. I'd recommend you keep him home tomorrow. I think getting a few days of solid rest is a good start," she told her. "But we'll really know more tomorrow. I'll call you and we'll have him back in. OK?

"You guys should really get downstairs. I want you to get into the lab – or else I'll have to send you over to the lab at Mt. Sinai."

"The hospital?"

"Well, I've had Terri call down to let them know downstairs that you're coming – but I'd feel better about it, if you're in the waiting room before they close their doors."

Olivia nodded and gathered her and Noah's things. The door was already locked when they got to the lab but the attendant saw them and came over and let them in. There were still a few people sitting there waiting for their number to be called.

She took a seat with Noah. He still seemed unsure about their surroundings and at this point she didn't blame him.

When the nurse called them and took them back to the little cubicle and drew the curtain – Noah started screaming. Getting him to hold still while the nurse drew seven vials of blood was almost impossible.

"We're almost done," the nurse assured him, as she quickly switched the vials.

Noah sobbed and she wiped at his tears. Mucus was streaming out of his nose and his cries were coming more and more muffled by the salvia that he started choking on it.

"It's OK, sweetie," she tried to tell him. But even the Freeze the nurse offered him as she finished didn't sooth him.

Noah cried and cried and clung to her even after they were out of the building and walking down the street.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

"How's Noah?" Elliot asked as she hung up her coat and took a seat.

"I don't know," she said and he raised an eyebrow at her. "The doctor decided to run a bunch of tests. She's supposed to call with the results later today."

"Tests for what?"

"Sounds like about everything under the sun. She refused to be specific," Olivia almost sighed.

"So it's not just the flu?"

"It could be."

"When will you know?"

"She said she'd call with the results before the end of the day," she repeated again. If she wasn't anxious enough about it, Elliot grilling her and not listening to her answers wasn't helping.

"Where's Noah?"

"At home," she said. "I had our sitter come over."

"So he's feeling OK?"

She shrugged. "He's about the same as he's been the last couple weeks. He's just not himself. Look, I don't know anything else right now. I came in today so I'm not obsessing over it. So let's just … work on the case."

He nodded.

She tried to work on the case. She filled out some of the reports to finally close a couple of the cases and made a couple calls for one of the ones they were still working on. But she felt like she was just waiting for her phone to ring the whole day – because she was. She picked it up incessantly and kept looking at it, making sure its volume level was up so she'd hear it.

It was 3:11 p.m. when it finally did ring.

"Benson," she said, answering it and standing up from her desk and walking towards the locker room to get away from the bullpen.

"Olivia? It's Dr. Walker," the voice at the other end said.

"Hi," Olivia responded.

"Well, we got the results for Noah back," the doctor said.

"OK."

"Where are you now, Olivia?" she asked.

"Umm. I'm still at work," she answered.

"Noah isn't with you right now, then?"

"No, he's home," she said, wishing she'd get to things.

"You aren't alone – but you've got some privacy?"

"Look, what is this all about? What'd my son's tests say?" she demanded a bit more loudly than she had intended.

She heard a bit of a sigh from the other end.

"Well, Olivia, Noah's going to have to have some more tests done. I've transferred his file to Mt. Sinai – and they should be in touch with you in the next 24 hours and they'll have you in within the next five to 10 days, I'm sure. Things are still early right now – Noah needs more tests," she stressed again, "but what we have right now … Olivia, it looks like Noah has leukemia …"

Olivia mind was racing at this point. She felt herself speeding up and shutting down at the same time. Going blank and filling with so many questions.

"… he needs to go in for staging and to determine what type of leukemia it is. Now, you should know that the treatment success rate in children Noah's age is very high – over 90 per cent. So things look very good for Noah and my feeling is that we've caught this early and that will make things easier for him."

She felt the phone falling away from her ear and her knees giving out. She sat on one of the cots and hung her head.

"What … what do you mean Noah has leukemia?"

"Well, the blood work shows some problems with his white blood cells. They are extremely high and the swelling in his neck, his spleen, that bruising and the dots – the achiness, the slight fever, the fatigue – it's all signs of leukemia."

"But what does that mean? Is he going to need chemotherapy? Or surgery?"

"That will be for the oncologists to decide. Now, the hospital has already been contacted. His files are already in those doctors' hands. They are going to be on the phone with you soon and they'll have you in there very soon – likely next week. Maybe even sooner. It's a very good hospital, Olivia. They will take good care of Noah and they'll guide you through the whole process."

"I just don't understand," she said, she was starting to feel tears coming to her eyes.

"I know it's a lot to take in. I think you need to take some time to process it – do you have someone there at work you can talk to? If not a colleague, you're going to need to talk to your human resources department. You might want to think about how you want to talk to Noah about this too over the next few days. We have some materials here about talking to children about these kinds of things, if you want, and of course we're always here if you need us. But, Olivia, it's going to be the doctors at the hospital that will be taking the lead here – this isn't really family clinic work. But, if you need anything, you call us. OK, Olivia? All the best."

It wasn't OK but the doctor had already hung up. Her head sunk into her hands and she pressed her heels into her eyes to hold back tears, choking back a sob.

"This is not happening," she whispered to herself. "This is not happening."

Feedback always appreciated


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

Olivia had been gone for close to thirty minutes before she re-emerged from the bunk room.

Elliot could tell she'd tried to wash her face but could also see she'd been crying.

"Is everything alright?" He asked.

She shook her head and was gathering her things. "I need to get home."

She grabbed her coat and started to make a beeline for the exit.

He stood and touched her shoulder before she could get too far. "Liv?"

"Leukemia," she looked into his eyes and blurted. "She said Noah has leukemia."

She felt other eyes in the bullpen fall on her. She looked past Elliot and saw Munch and Fin gazing at her. She looked down embarrassed.

"Umm, I need to get home – to him. Umm, I may not be in for a few days. I need to take him into the hospital. I'll call Cragen – later – and HR."

Elliot just nodded. His mind was going about a million miles an hour.

"Liv, if you need anything …" Fin said from where he was sitting.

She looked down. "I'm fine. I just need to get home."

Feedback always appreciated


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

"Research," Will was holding up a DVD copy of the Lion King at the door.

She had mentioned to him last week that she was thinking about getting tickets to the show for around Noah's upcoming fifth birthday. She liked getting to some of the Broadway shows and hadn't been for ages. She'd thought Lion King might be something he'd actually sit through and had been putting out feelers to see if Will had already seen it or if he might like to come too. He'd seemed surprised to learn she'd never even seen the movie and now had apparently taken it upon himself to revise that.

"I brought Soup Nutsy too," he said, holding up a paper bag. "Have you guys eaten yet?"

She shook her head and let him in. Will didn't know about the leukemia yet. He'd been away at his parents' on the weekend and so far that week they hadn't crossed paths. She knew he was getting ready for an upcoming conference that he was slated to do a presentation at – and he was nervous and stressed out about it. They'd exchanged a few texts over the last couple days but she hadn't been able to figure out how to tell him about what had happened at the doctor's office yesterday and the news she'd gotten that afternoon – or if she even wanted to.

"Hey buddy," he called to Noah when he saw the TV going in the living room. The boy gazed at him over the top of the couch but went back to watching his show. "I brought a movie and dinner," he told him.

He joined Olivia in the kitchen where she was pulling out some bowls from the cupboard and pouring the soup in. It was a Moroccan vegetable stew that they all enjoyed.

"He still feeling under the weather?" He enquired, pulling out the couple baguettes he'd picked up too. He wandered over to the drawer where she kept her knives and grabbed one to slice each sandwich into three pieces. Ham and brie and baked apple, chicken breast and cheddar. He figured they were Noah and Liv pleasers.

"He's about the same." She handed him a plate to put the sandwiches on. He was looking at her.

"What about you? You look a little run down too."

"I'm OK," she said.

"Did you end up taking him to doctor's?"

She nodded.

"And what'd they say?" He asked.

She shrugged. He looked at her questioningly. "Let's eat – before it gets cold."

He knew better than to argue.

Noah had picked at the food and then fallen asleep during the movie.

"I'm going to put him down," Olivia had told him almost as soon as the closing credits came up. She moved, trying to get him off her without waking him up, but he was in an awkward position and her one leg felt half asleep.

"Do you want me to move him to the bedroom for you?" Will offered, shifting his position to pick up the boy.

She just shook her head. "No, it's OK. I think I'm going to wake him to put him in the tub for a quick bath anyways."

She managed to scoop him up and went down the hall. He heard the water turn on and could her hear talking quietly to the boy, who he guessed had roused.

He cleared the coffee table of their dinner and took the stuff to the kitchen. He put saran wrap over the plate holding the leftover sandwiches and placed it in the fridge. He thought about saving Noah's half-eaten bowl of soup but then thought better of it with him being sick and just dumped it down the sink, before rinsing it out, and then rising the rest of the bowls and placing them in the dishwasher.

He took a couple beers from the fridge and wandered back to the living room. He switched off the DVD player and started flipping around the channels until he found Sports Centre and sat watching until Olivia came back.

He glanced at her and pointed to the beer he'd set out for her. It was probably kind of warm at this point – she'd been gone for quite a while. He'd muted the television a couple times and had heard her reading what sounded like at least two stories and half-ways arguing with Noah about whether or not he was tired.

"Half-time," he said. "The Knicks are up."

She sighed and crossed her arms.

He looked at her again. "You don't want to watch?"

"Will, I'm just really tired. I just want to get in the tub too and then go to bed."

"It's quarter-to-nine," he said in disbelief. She never seemed to go to bed that early. In fact, he suspected her never really slept.

He saw her cross her arms tighter.

"OK," he nodded, taking the hint. He grabbed the other beer and put it back in the fridge.

He looked at her again. She still had her arms crossed – her defensive position, as he'd come to think of it over the years – but she was examining the floor.

"Olivia, really, is everything alright?"

She just nodded, still looking at the floor. "Yeah," she said softly.

He rubbed his hands across the counter and sighed. He didn't believe her but didn't want to push too hard. And the way she was standing – looking down and out of the light – he really couldn't read her face.

"Yeah?"

Her head bobbed again but he thought he saw her shoulders bob with it.

"Liv?"

He thought that sounded like a choked back sob now.

He walked over to her. She definitely was crying – but still looking at the ground and not meeting his eyes. He touched her shoulder but she jerked away.

He stood there not sure what he was supposed to do.

"Liv?" He said again and reached out to touch her shoulder again, this time more cautiously and she let him. "What's wrong?"

She just started crying harder and put her head on his shoulder. He hesitated for a moment but then put his arms around her. She was shaking against him. He rubbed her back.

"It's OK," he told her but she shook her head against him.

"It's not," she managed to get out.

"What's not?" he asked softly. "What happened?"

"It's not," she just said again, almost trembling now. He held her a bit tighter.

He'd never seen her like this. He wasn't sure he imagined that she could be like this. She always seemed too strong and too independent. In their more than two years of friendship, he knew she still kept up so many of her walls and guarded her privacy and emotions with an intensity that almost scared him. He knew for her to be like this – in front of him – it must be bad.

"It's not," she sputtered. "It's not."

He rubbed her shoulder. "You can tell me, Liv, it's OK."

"It's not," she said again.

He was starting to think she was hyperventilating and rubbed her back some more and made shh-ing noises, trying to calm her.

"The doctor," Olivia finally managed to get out. "The doctor, she said Noah has leukemia."

She felt Will's hands stop moving on her back and it seemed like a long time before they started again. His body tensed.

It seemed like a long time passed before he said, "It's going to be OK." His voice sounded a little strained.

"It's not," she said again, still trembling against him, her arms refusing to go around him and clinging to herself.

"It is, Liv," he said a little more softly. "It's going to be OK."

Feedback always appreciated


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

She felt a little uncomfortable coming into the station. She knew at this point not just her unit but likely at least half the building had heard about Noah. It made her uncomfortable. It made her feel like people were looking at her, whispering as she walked by.

She saw Fin and Munch at their desks when she got into their area but she avoided eye-contact and made a beeline for Cragen's office. She appreciated that she didn't have to go and spend hours in HR but she also didn't want to talk to the guys.

"Captain?" She said, standing in his doorway until he looked up.

"Liv," he gave her a small smile. "Come in, close the door," he invited.

She came in but stood awkwardly near the glass windows. She wanted this to be brief.

He was ruffling around his desk and glanced up at her. "You can sit down," he offered and saw that she reluctantly stepped forward and lowered herself into one of the chairs in front of his desk. "I've got a couple things for you to sign and then some stuff for you to take home and look over."

She just nodded.

"Ah, here," he said, handing her a stack of papers and a file folder about half-an-inch thick. "Folder's to take home. Where you need to sign on the rest of it is marked."

She was looking at it, flipping through some of the pages and stopping to read here and there. He handed her a pen.

In between doctors' appointments, tests and meetings with hospital staff, counselors and social workers, she'd spent much of the last week on the phone with a woman in the EAP, a woman in HR, a guy with the union, her health insurance company and Cragen.

They'd managed to work out a bit of an agreement for now. So far she'd gotten to take the time off as a family emergency but as of Monday she'd be taking her vacation time. It would mean she'd get about a month's paid leave to be with Noah – maybe more if they agreed to let her take the days she had banked. They hadn't decided that yet. After she used up her vacation, though, she'd be on compassionate leave. It was a small percentage of her usual pay but at least it was something and she'd still be getting her benefits and her job security, even if her seniority was going to take a bad hit. They'd let her come in and work days as she could – and they were encouraging her to do more of that rather than less.

She didn't know if and how that would happen. She still had no idea how any of it was really going to play out. Her mind was still reeling, as they bounced around in the hospital and she tried to sooth Noah and to work out how to care for him. The terror and disaster that the situation seemed to be still felt so real that if she stopped to dwell on it too long she was afraid it would overwhelm her – engulf her completely and she'd just lose it. So instead she was focusing on getting all the chips in place, filling out more paperwork - at the hospital, for insurance and now her at work. And, from there, she'd just have to see where the chips fell.

The doctors had already made clear that the next four to five months she'd be spending more time at the hospital than at home. Noah would go in on Monday to begin his chemotherapy – and for that first month he'd have to stay in the hospital. The treatment was going to be so intense and needed such active monitoring, and his immune system so weakened – he couldn't go home. After that, depending on how everything went, he'd likely get to come home, they'd told her. But he'd still be getting intense chemo for another at least two months, having to go in multiple times every week for treatment, monitoring, labs and other follow up testing – not to mention just appointments. If things went badly, he'd be hospitalized again – for days, weeks or months. And even after he got through the initial months of hell, it would be two to three more years of regular chemo and doctor's visits and a lifetime of monitoring and check-ups to make sure he was OK – if he was one of the lucky ones that was OK. She kept telling herself that her son would be one of those 80 per cent, that he had to be. But, still, when she did the math and realized he'd be eight, probably closer to nine before this was really anywhere near being all over, she wanted to cry. Her son had been dealt a hard enough hand in his life, she felt this just seemed to be the ultimate slap in the face.

Cragen watched as she flipped through each page, reading it over quickly and than signing on the dotted line. She looked haggard. He was used to seeing his detectives tired – run-down even. But Olivia looked liked she'd aged overnight in a way he'd never seen before, even on some of those really tough cases. He wasn't surprised but it hurt him to see. She was a good detective – a good woman. He knew she was on a long list of detectives who's life had become the job and she'd sacrificed dearly because of that.

He'd been happy when she'd had Noah – surprised she decided to stay on with SVU – but happy for her. She needed to have something of her own like that – to push out some of the disgusting darkness they dealt with every day. He'd seen changes in her since she'd had the boy – mostly good. She smiled more. She left the office more. Her anger was tempered in a different way. But now for her to have to deal with this …

"Are you holding up OK?" He finally asked.

She glanced up at him and then went back to working through the pile of papers. "Yeah, I'm OK."

He could only imagine what that actually meant.

"How's Noah doing?"

She nodded a bit without looking up. "You know, he's doing the best he can."

What was she supposed to say? She wondered. Was she supposed to say how scared and confused Noah seemed? How she had to lead her little boy into a department labeled oncology? And how she had to sit there with other parents with children who looked so sick? Was she supposed to say how she thought it was horrifying that her son had to lay still while they drilled into his hip to test his bone marrow and to take a biopsy? How Noah had cried and almost a week later was still whimpering in pain whenever she dressed him and his waistbands rubbed against the spot? But how that paled in comparison to having him curl in a ball on a table so they could take fluid out of his spin for comparisons purposes in the future – and to make sure the cancer hadn't started to spread into his nervous system and his brain? To be told he was going to have to endure extra spinal taps over the next few months? How he looked so small laying on the table for his CT scan and how she hadn't been allowed to stay in the room with him but had been called in twice to try to beg him to lay still long enough for them to do the scan? How today she'd spent the morning at the hospital so her son could have minor surgery to have a port put into his chest for chemotherapy? How she was spending every second trying to keep her emotions in check, to not be overwhelmed or scared herself, so she could keep Noah calm? What was she supposed to say?

"The hospital staff seems really nice," she said.

He just nodded and turned to grab something from behind his desk. He put a plastic bin in front of her that had been decorated with Noah's name and little animal foamies, trying to make it look like Noah's Arc. There was also a stuffed bear, dressed like an NYPD officer.

She reached out and touched the bear and gave a small smile.

"EAP sent that up for you – for him," he said.

"He'll love it," she said softly.

"We collected some things for him – for while he's in the hospital," he nodded at the box. "It was kind of Elliot's idea – or Kathy's. There's a card in there for you both."

She stopped working on the paperwork and lifted the lid. There were colouring books and crayons, an Uno deck of cards, picture books and comics, a copy of Harry Potter, some little Lego sets, Hot Wheels still in their packaging, it looked like a couple action figures – Star Wars and Batman, a DVD of some cartoon she didn't recognize, packs of hard candies and flavoured chapstick, silly looking socks, a toque with a Superman logo on it, and much more that she couldn't see. It was jammed full.

This was Brothers in Blue at its finest. She knew this would've gone beyond just SVU. This was an effort by the station house to support one of their own.

She offered him a smile. "This is really great – really. Thank you."

He just nodded.

"Has he started the chemo yet?"

She was back working on the forms and just said "Monday" without looking up.

"Will he be able to have visitors?"

"Umm, not for at least the first week. They need to see how he does with it."

"I can let some people know, if you like."

She was quiet but finally said, "Yeah, that'd be OK."

"Olivia, you know if you need anything, you just need to let me know?"

She looked up and offered him a slight smile. "I know."

Elliot was back at his desk when she left Cragen's office. She sighed a bit. She'd been avoiding him. He'd left some messages on her phone that she hadn't returned. She'd shot him a couple short texts but she hadn't wanted to talk. She'd been relieved when he hadn't been there when she came in. But she didn't think she could sneak out without speaking to him now.

She walked over. "Thanks for organizing this," she nodded to the box she held in front of her. "I think it will help."

He gave her a thin smile. "I'm glad."

She felt awkward standing in front of him. She didn't really know what to say and he wasn't saying anything either.

"Sorry I haven't returned your calls," she offered.

"It's OK," he said. "I know you've got a lot on the go."

She nodded and looked at the floor.

"He doing OK?" He asked.

She shrugged and said, "Not really."

"I'm really sorry, Liv. You don't deserve this."

"Who does?" She said.

"Will helping you out?"

"Yeah, when I let him." That was the honest answer.

"Let him, Liv," Elliot advised.

Her head bobbed a bit.

"He going to be there with you guys next week?"

"Yeah, mostly. He's got that presentation for the UN science conference thing. He can't really miss it. He tried. I won't let him."

"What day?"

"Wednesday, Thursday."

"So he'll be there on Monday?"

She shrugged. "I haven't decided if I want him there yet. The doctors said it's pretty anti-climatic. Just an IV drip. Noah will be tired from the registration and in-take process anyways."

"And scared and wanting both of his parents," Elliot added.

She didn't comment on the reference he made to Will. She didn't like to admit that Will had become Noah's default father-figure. She didn't like to think about the absurdity of her and Will's relationship. A strange dance of angst – friends without benefits; and because of Noah now they were likely forever locked in some sort of strange connection - not wanting to hurt him after allowing him to become close to a man that she didn't know she'd ever be anything more than a neighbour to.

Elliot felt like he'd stuck his foot in it again and finally said, "You know you can call, if you need anything?" He said. "Even just to talk."

She smiled – she was sure all the guys would offer the same thing before she managed to get out of there. "I know. Thanks.

"Anyways, I should get going," she said. It was the first time she'd been away from him for any length of time since they'd found out. She didn't like having to leave him after the surgery, even though he'd seemed relatively unfazed by it and was happy to get left to goof around with Will for a couple hours while she dealt with all this.

He just nodded.

She turned to give Fin and Munch a smile. "Thanks guys," she said, nodding at the survival kit box again.

"You know, Liv…" Fin started.

"I know, call," she said, "I will."

It was harder walking out of there than she expected. She hadn't even stopped to look at her desk and collect anything that she might want or need. She didn't want to think about it – she wanted something of what her life had been a week ago to still be there waiting for her when she managed to get back.

Feedback always appreciated


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

She sat down on the floor where Noah was playing. They'd been having a quiet Saturday. She was doing her best to keep as calm as possible. Distracting him but also answering as many of his seemingly endless questions about his upcoming hospital stay as she could.

He was in his pajamas now. She'd given him a bath. She was still having trouble getting used to seeing the port in his chest. He poked at it a bit but it looked fine. She didn't detect any infection, though his skin was still a little pink around it when she'd changed the bandages. He seemed less bothered by it than her.

"I've got something for you," she told him and handed him a present.

He looked up at her excitedly.

"For now?"

She nodded.

She'd given him the teddy bear on Friday and shown him the box of goodies but had told him they should wait to open it until the hospital. He'd been excited and frustrated and had spent time sitting in front of it since, looking through the plastic and telling her what he thought was in it. He'd got some of the items right from what she'd seen when she'd peaked.

Will stopped working on his laptop on the couch and watched the little boy rip open the package.

"DS!" Noah said excitedly as he got the paper off.

"Because you've been so brave so far," she told him, "and I know you're going to be on Monday."

He was looking at the box and trying to figure out how to open it with his little hands.

"Can I play now?" He asked, handing the box to her.

"Yep, I think we should likely figure out how to work it before we go in." She slid the contents out and popped the console out of the plastic for him, taking off the plastic bag and looking around to figure out how to turn it on or where to put batteries in. Noah was almost grabbing it back from her.

"Just a second, sweets, it's not on yet." She flipped it over again.

"Here," Will said and held out his hand for it. She gave it to him. "Are there batteries or an adapter in the box?"

She went back to looking at the contents of the box. She handed a game case to Noah.

"Mario!" Noah said excitedly.

"We can go out and pick another game tomorrow," she told him.

"Star Wars?" He suggested. He was obsessed with Star Wars right now. Will had put turned on the animated television show when he'd had him over at his place one night last month when she'd been running late – again. Noah hadn't been able to talk about much of anything else since – and after he'd realized there was an endless collection of toys and games and books about the movies, the fascination had quickly intensified and the reminders that his birthday was coming had started.

"We'll have to see what the store has," she said.

Noah was unsuccessfully picking at the shrink-wrap around the game – and handed it to Will as well, who almost expertly found the quick-tear pull and slipped the packaging off and handed it back to him.

He was still turning the console around, though, too.

"I don't know, bud," he said. "I think we might need to charge it overnight or something." He looked at Liv. "It didn't come with batteries?"

She shook her head, still going through the contents. There was a little booklet on how to use it, some earphones and a little stylus. "I don't see any."

She handed him the instructions. He took them but by then had already managed to pop the back off.

"You don't have any around?"

"Umm, I don't know."

"Hmm, I might have some." He handed the game system back to Noah so he could at least look at it. "I'll go check."

"Oh wait," she said to him. "This it?" She handed him a rechargeable battery pack.

"Hmm, yeah." He took the console back from Noah. "There should be a charger in there too then?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

He put in the battery pack and turned it on. "You got the game there, Noah?" Noah got up on the couch next to him to watch.

The thing managed to start up and he handed it to the little boy.

"It's likely not going to have much of a charge, bud," he told him. "We're going to have to plug it in for the night."

He was already absorbed, though.

Olivia had let him play for about half-an-hour before she almost had to pry it out of his hands for bed. It seemed to take her longer than usual to get him down.

"Well, I think that might've been a bad idea," she said as she sat back down on the couch when she finally came back.

He snorted. "Nah, it was a good idea. We'll just have to regulate it a bit to keep him from becoming a zombie."

She smiled.

"I got you something too," he said.

She gave him a questioning look as he grabbed his messenger bag that he dragged his work around in and pulled out what looked like a portfolio and handed it to her.

She didn't really understand but flipped it open. It was an iPad.

She shook her head. "Will, I can't accept this."

"Yes, you can," he told her a little too sternly. "We get a faculty discount anyways."

The police association got one as well. She'd looked into it. It was a whooping $12. She really doubted whatever faculty discount he got was much more than that – not with Apple products. They didn't do steep discounts.

"Will…" she looked at him.

"I installed some apps that I thought he'd like," he told her, leaning over and flicking through the screens. "Some games, drawing stuff. I downloaded some picture books into iBooks and put on a couple videos too. It's a start. We could put some music he likes on it too."

She looked at him. She was a little embarrassed. She didn't like him spending that kind of money. But it was something that she'd been looking at herself – that she knew would be useful in so many ways while in the hospital with Noah. It just wasn't something she could afford right now. "Thank you," she said softly.

He just nodded. He dug through his bag some more and put some cords on the table. "Charging cable, adapter," he said. Then he placed two sets of silicon headphones on the table and another package. "That will split the audio," he told her.

She just nodded. She was just kind of looking at it.

"You know how to use it, right?"

She snorted. "I'm not as technologically-retarded as you think." He smiled. "I have an iPhone, remember."

"Growing out of the side of your head," he added.

She hit him.

"Be nice," he told her.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. He watched as she looked around at what he'd installed on it already.

"Liv, I really want to be there on Monday," he finally said.

She looked at him and then looked down. "I know," she said.

"Are you going to let me be?" He asked. He reached out and touched her hand. She started to pull it away but stopped and let him grip it.

She nodded.

He leaned over and gave her a small kiss in her hair above her ear. "Thank you," he said softly.

Feedback always appreciated


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU let. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

Will looked up from the Lego he was putting together with Noah at his bed table.

Olivia's partner and his family were standing in the doorway, looking kind of awkward with their face masks on.

He wasn't expecting them and, though, he'd met Elliot a handful of times, he was still a little intimidated by him and not sure what to say. He always seemed to feel inadequate around him and he wasn't really sure why. He kind of thought the man might have something against him but he also got the impression that he had something against everyone. It was a front that he saw in Olivia a lot too. This hostile, guarded nature put on to try to hide the real person inside.

He knew part of it was their jobs – and, at least, for Olivia, he knew she was trying to protect herself and her son from getting hurt. He figured Elliot was trying to keep her from getting hurt too – the older brother she didn't ask for. Will knew what older brothers were like – though, not as a woman, as the baby of the family – he knew the lengths they could go to to protect their own. It bothered him a bit. He had worked hard to gain her trust and to be allowed to be a bit of a protector for her and her son. But he could see that she more openly accepted it from her partner. He told himself that it was because of their work – they needed to trust each other, to protect each other – and Elliot had known her far longer than him anyways. He just wished both of them would give him a bit more of a chance.

"Hi," he nodded. "Hey, Noah, you've got some company," he said, nudging the little boy who was fairly engrossed in putting together what apparently was a space ship.

Noah looked up and his face lit up on seeing the balloons and another little boy.

"Hi Noah," Kathy greeted and nudged her son over closer to the bed, but Eli was acting shy, unsure about the hospital. "You remember Eli, right?" She asked.

Noah shrugged.

Kathy leaned across the bed to shake Will's hand, greeting, "Hi, I'm Kathy." He stood and nodded but kept his hands down.

"Ah, sorry, we aren't really supposed to be touching," he said. "But, Will," he touched his chest on identifying himself.

She looked shocked for a moment but then said, "Oh, oh, I'm sorry."

He just nodded. "It's OK."

"Umm, this is Eli," she introduced her son.

"Hi Eli," he smiled.

He looked at Elliot. "Ah, thanks for coming. Sorry Olivia isn't here right now. She just went home to take a shower and change. I'm not sure when she'll be back. It will likely be soon. She's been gone a while."

He actually hoped it wasn't soon. It had taken quite a bit to talk her into taking a break and going home. She hadn't been home in three days at that point – she was living in whatever change of clothes he brought in for her and sleeping upright in the chair next to Noah's bed. She could hardly keep her eyes open anymore when she'd finally agreed that she really wasn't absorbing anything the doctors were saying at that point and that Noah would be fine with just him for a few hours. But she'd said she was just going to go home to shower and put on some different clothes. He'd told her she should lay down – flat in her own bed – for a few hours too. She hadn't agreed to that part but he hoped she'd listened.

Elliot shrugged. "That's OK. We came to see Noah. Eli, give him the gift," he suggested.

Eli cautiously went towards the bed and held out a bag that had a balloon tied to it to Noah. "It's a game," he said. "Dad says you like games."

Noah nodded and took the box out of the bag. He held it up to show to Will. It was Blokus.

"What do you say?" Will said.

"Thank you," Noah said quietly.

"Would you like to play, Noah?" Kathy asked him.

"We have it," Eli said. "It's pretty fun. You make shapes."

Noah nodded again and Kathy reached over and took the box to open. Will took the Lego off the table for them and then went to the box of latex gloves in the corner of the room. He pulled out four and handed them to Kathy.

"Sorry," he said, again, "if you could just use these when you two are touching the pieces."

He saw her swallow a bit, clearly as a mother being deeply affected by the realization of just how fragile Noah was at the moment. But she took them. "Sure," she nodded.

Will and Olivia were medically cleared. Most days they weren't having to wear the masks or gloves or smocks now. The first week as Noah's system was completely whipped, they had been. It added a whole new dimension to the fear of the situation. But as they were moving towards the end of the induction phase and Noah was holding his own. They were all getting to dress and act more like themselves – as much as they could within the confines of the hospital. He and Olivia hardly ever left anyways to be tracking in outside contaminants. It was now that he was having visitors that they were seeing the bio-contamination-look creep back into Noah's room. Noah didn't much seem to care, though. He'd started to think of it as more like playing dress-up. That thought hurt them a bit too.

Will went over to the corner Elliot was standing in and leaned against the counter there. They both stood in silence for a moment watching his wife and son played with Noah.

"How's he doing?" Elliot asked. The boy looked sick – pale and skinny with an IV running into his hospital gown, along with other wires – but he didn't look nearly as bad as he'd envisioned. He still had hair but he could see that it was starting to look patchy and knew the process of it falling out must've started.

"Umm, yeah, he's doing pretty good," Will told him. "They seem happy with his progress."

"You're what about halfway done now?"

"Ah, yeah, hopefully," he said. "This phase of it all anyways."

"How's Liv doing?"

He just nodded. "Yeah, she's doing OK."

"What about you?"

He'd only met the man a few times – but he could see how tired he looked. He had dark circles under his eyes and looking around the room he could see that he'd clearly had been working from the hospital room. A laptop was sitting in the corner along with a pile of papers.

"I'm OK too."

Elliot nodded.

"Many visitors dropping by?"

Will shrugged. "Umm … John? He stopped in the other day."

Munch had mentioned he'd been there. His assessment was that Olivia looked like crap and that Noah looked like a kid with cancer – and that, at least they were at the Jewish hospital. Apparently, in Munch's mind, that was a much better situation than if Noah had been transferred to the Presbyterian one.

"My parents," Will added.

Elliot nodded. "They live nearby?"

"Staten Island."

"Oh yeah? Nice. We're out in Queens."

"Yeah, Olivia had mentioned that somewhere along the line."

"So you're from the city then?"

He nodded.

"Getting time off work OK?"

Will wasn't overly comfortable with the small talk and kept his eyes glued on Noah. He was happy that Noah was getting a chance to play with another kid close to his age. A kid who wasn't sick. Even though he was grateful for the opportunities that Noah was getting to interact with other kids in the hospital – it was hard to see all the sick kids playing together in some ways. Noah wasn't getting to do a tonne of that yet, anyways. The Child Life Services people were still mostly coming to his room – bringing crafts and other activities to help distract him as he was still basically in isolation. He'd only just got clearance to go into some of the communal areas earlier that week and was enjoying it. It was good to get out of the room a bit – beyond wandering up and down the hall in their area.

"Umm, kind of. My schedule is pretty flexible. Working around it as best I can. Going in to do my lectures and some meetings."

"I'm glad Liv has you to help out," her partner told him.

"Umm, yeah. I want to help," he said. He was almost surprised by the sideways compliment – but was glad to take it. It was better than the sense of mistrust and disapproval that he usually felt radiating off the other man.

"Will, can we go to Zone?" Noah asked.

Will looked at his watch. It was almost 2 p.m. "Bud, the nurse will be here soon for your check up," he told him, "and Eli isn't authorized to be in there."

"Please, we can play air hockey," Noah whined.

Will sighed a bit. "Maybe next time Eli comes," he said. "I can take you down after your check up."

Noah huffed at him. "You're not fun to play with," he told him.

Will rubbed his temple. "Well, Noah, I'm sure there will be some of the other kids there you can play with then."

"I want to show Eli," he insisted.

Will looked at Elliot. "It's the play centre," he said. "Kids need to get medically authorized to go in there. They'd need to check his temperature, listen to his chest and you guys need to sign some paperwork saying he hasn't been sick lately and doesn't show any symptoms of a cold or flu or whatever. And as a visitor, he'd have to wear a mask, gloves and smock. He might not even be allowed in at all, depending on the condition of whatever kids are in there right now. I don't know how long you're staying, if it's worth it this visit."

Elliot looked at Kathy. "Well, I think maybe we'll stay until Liv gets back, to say hi."

"Yeah, I don't know when she'll be back," he said. He'd texted her a while ago to try to get a sense of if she'd made it back to the condo OK but she hadn't responded. He hoped it meant she'd fallen asleep but suspected it just meant she was ignoring him.

"I told her she should try to sleep. If she listens …" he kind of threw up his hands and shrugged his shoulders at the same time.

Elliot thought Will could use several hours of sleep too.

He'd gauged from whatever conversation Munch had had with Liv that the hospital strongly recommended that the kids have someone with them 24 hours a day. But that those duties were only allowed to be split between two people. Will had been given the other blue authorization pass that was now hanging around his neck and accompanied by a Partner in Care plastic bracket around his wrist indentifying him as Noah's caregiver. Even if Liv had been allowed to have more people helping with the shifts, he wasn't sure that she'd budge from the room. He was actually almost surprised that Will had managed to coax her into leaving Noah's bedside at all.

"How long has she been gone?" he asked.

"About two hours, so she's either going to be back any minute, or she actually listened."

"That could be a fun pool," Elliot said and earned a bit of a snort from Will. "I know which side you fall on."

"She's as stubborn as fuck," he said quietly, glancing at Noah.

Elliot nodded. "She is."

"Noah, I don't think Eli can stay and play today," Elliot told him. "But we'll be back to visit you and will stay longer next time and go down to the Zone."

Noah didn't respond – but had thankfully gone back to playing the new game with his wife and son.

The nurse came in, bringing her cart behind her and took a glance around, giving a smile.

"Busy in here this afternoon," she said.

Elliot looked at Kathy. "We should get going."

"Oh, we'll only be a few minutes, won't we Noah?" The nurse said.

Noah nodded and Kathy gathered Eli closer to her and out of the way.

The nurse wrote some numbers down off the monitors attached to the little boy and then wrapped a blood pressure cuff around his arm and pumped it up twice, listening. When she was done she moved the stethoscope to his back.

"Big breath for me, hon," she said. Noah compiled. "Again." She move it around front. "One more time." Then she moved it to his heart and listened for a few moments.

She grabbed a thermometer from her chart and stuck it in his ear.

"Did you eat your lunch today, Noah?" She asked, looking at Will.

Noah nodded while Will shook his head.

"He ate the pudding," Will clarified.

"Mr. Noah," she scolded softly. "You've got to eat. What didn't you like about it?"

"It tastes gross," he told her.

"Gross?"

He nodded. He'd been complaining that things tasted metallic since the chemo started and had also started to develop sores in his mouth that meant many things stung when he ate and swallowing was painful. So it was becoming an increasing struggle to get him to eat the hospital food. He was eating some of the popsicles and ice cream they were bringing him and was sucking on some of the candy that Olivia had been going down to the store to bring back for him. But it was hardly nutritional at this point.

He was already having to receive extra hydration and nutrients through IV. Will didn't want to see it reach the point that he was having to get a feeding tube in or stay in the hospital longer because of it. He was visibly losing weight at this point. The doctor had broached the subject of trying a feeding tube for a couple takes, to make sure he was as strong enough as possible and they went through the last push to get him into remission. But Olivia had hesitated on it – the concept of a tube being put down her son's throat too much for her. So instead, she sat coaxing Noah to take a few more bites at each meal time and bringing in small treats to try to tempt him to eat. The doctor had prescribed an appetite stimulant instead to give him a chance to get some food into him before pushing the feeding tube at the family again. Noah had expressed some hunger earlier in the day but then again rejected the food – complaining of the taste and the pain in his mouth and throat. It was a vicious cycle.

"If I get you a popsicle after we're done, will you eat it?" She asked.

He nodded.

"It's a deal then."

Olivia appeared in the room, she was walking quickly and did a bit of a double take when she realized there were three other people in the room. It took a second with them in their masks before she realized who it was.

"Oh, hey," she smiled at Elliot. He nodded.

"Mommy," Noah declared and reached out for her as she walked towards him and gave him a small hug. She saw the look Will gave her as she went by.

She sat down on the chair next to her son's bed. "I wanted to be here for this," she told Will. He audibly sighed and shook his head at her. Noah's vital signs were checked every four hours. She didn't need to be there for all of them – but she insisted that she did. He could see that she hair was still damp – she'd clearly barely even had time to get out of the shower and back to the hospital for the 2 p.m. check.

So she stopped looking at Will and the upset that was clearly set in his gaze.

"How's he doing?" She asked the nurse.

"Blood pressure and heart rate look good, chest sounds OK. Just taking some blood now," she already had a vial collecting blood from one of his lines, "and then we are going to get out of that bed and weigh you and see if we can't get some pee out of you, aren't we Noah?"

Elliot looked at Kathy. He could see Eli looked scared watching what was going on. "Kathy, we really should get going," he told her.

She nodded and patted Eli on the back. "Com'on," she said. "Say bye."

"Bye Noah," he said softly.

They went out the door.

"Thanks for coming," Olivia said as they left.

"Liv," Elliot said, "I'll just be outside, if you have a sec after you're done in here." She nodded.

He stood a little down the hallway as he waited for her. He'd sent Kathy and Eli downstairs ahead of him. He saw the nurse leave but it was still several minutes before she stuck her head out the door and spotted him.

"Thanks for coming," she said again, "and for bringing the game. He seems to like it. We're going to play it again now."

He nodded.

"No problem. We told him we'd come back so he could show Eli the Zone. Maybe next weekend?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice. It's his birthday," she said.

He nodded. He knew.

"Thanks for bringing Eli. It's nice for him to get to play with other kids."

He nodded. He wasn't sure Eli was going to want to come back. His son's body language had seemed fearful, even though they'd talked to him about it before the visit. They'd have to talk to him again.

"How you doing?" He asked.

"I'm holding up," she offered.

"You look tired," he said. "Will too. He looks like he's about ready to fall down in there."

She sighed. "We're doing our best."

"Just don't get too run down, OK? You aren't doing yourself or Noah any favours."

She looked at the floor.

He squeezed her shoulder. "OK, Liv. It was good to see you. Noah looks good," he assured her.

She nodded. She knew he didn't – not really. He looked like he had cancer.

"OK, we'll see you again soon." He started to walk toward the elevator.

She examined the floor for another several seconds before pulling her eyes back up, putting her smile back on and re-entering her son's room.

**I have several more chapters running around this general timeframe in the AU. Let me know if you want more. Feedback is always appreciated**


	9. Chapter 9

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: If you haven't read my other Olivia/Will series, A Complicated State of Happiness, you might want to check it out to get some more background on Will's character, for this chapter, though most of it is self-explanatory and you'll likely be able to figure it out either way. This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Mom," he said, for the umpteenth time, "I really can manage the clean up."

She glanced up at him from the dishes again. "I just don't want you to have to worry about the dishes," she told him, still working at scrubbing the roasting pan.

"May," his father finally interjected. "I think he's trying to politely tell us that it's time to go."

He dropped his head a bit as his mother looked at him but kept on scouring.

"I just don't want you have to worry about anything else," she said.

"Mom, really, we're OK," he assured.

His mother had volunteered to scour and disinfect both of their apartments before they brought Noah home. He'd talked Olivia into agreeing. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Neither of them really wanted to pull themselves away from the hospital to have to deal with the cleaning and setting up of things for Noah to come home. It was just one more thing – really more like a hundred – that needed to be done and that their sleep deprived and emotionally fragile minds weren't up for.

So his mom, dragging along his father and a small tank-load of cleaning supplies, had arrived and taken over that task. He hadn't considered that it would creep over into her deciding they needed all the linens in both of their apartments washed, any laundry that was kicking around ironed, fresh groceries bought and enough food prepared and put into the freezer that he was sure they technically didn't have to worry about cooking for about two months. He didn't want to mention to her that Noah now didn't eat much and for what they did try to feed him had special dietary requirements, that Olivia ranged from being picky to basically eating like a policemen on the verge of having a heart attack on any given day, and that he mostly ate organic – if not basically pollotarian anymore. He actually just didn't want to explain to her what pollotarian was – or even give the impression that Liv might be on some sort of diet and not just picky as fuck – or he knew he'd never get her to leave and would have to endure lectures and pleading for them to eat, likely similar to what he and Olivia had been chanting at Noah over the last several weeks.

He knew his parents were really trying to help. Not just that – they were trying to understand. He knew it was hard for them. That this relationship he had with this woman and child didn't quite make sense to them. That his mother couldn't quite grasp that they weren't a couple and that his father had given him a brief but stern, "You don't fuck around with single mothers, son" lecture nearly two years ago when he'd brought Olivia and Noah to their home on the weekend. But he didn't know how to explain to them any of it in a way that their traditionalist and Catholic minds could grasp. Half the time he wasn't entirely sure how to explain it or define it to himself.

He did know that they did just want him to be happy – as much as he some times felt their disapproving gaze against his life choices, as much as he felt they were constantly measuring him against his brothers and their jobs and their picket-fence lives of beautiful wives, rambunctious kids and slobbering dogs in rundown, little fix-me-up two-storeys – with neighbourhood barbeques and baseball leagues and Monday night football at the local firefighters' pub. He wasn't his brothers.

And, he knew that they worried about him. They always had. Because he wasn't his brothers. He'd rather join the cross-country team than the hockey team. He didn't skip classes in high school or get caught in the back seat with a girl. He brought home As and didn't get detention – and he'd wanted to go away to university, not just end up at a community college. Not just that – but he hadn't been interested in keeping up the family tradition in terms of jobs, which was hard enough for them to wrap their heads around for some reason, but for his career to be in something as abstract as math. "What the hell are you going to do with that?" he remembered his dad asking when he got accepted into MIT.

Their worry had only increased as he moved away from the city for school. The period where he was dating Tessa and then got engaged – it was like relief washed over them. Finally something they were able to relate to, finally them feeling like he might be on a good and normal path. His mom had done her best to dote on Tessa – suddenly wanting to visit them in Cambridge and insisting he come home more often. Getting to help plan a wedding of her youngest son and speculating on when she'd be adding more grandchildren to her Christmas shopping list nearly left her giddy. But then the Attacks happened.

His parents didn't know how to deal with that. Some times he felt like they wanted him to feel things he didn't feel or react in ways he didn't feel like he needed to react – like they wanted to dictate his emotions and his grief. They thought he should come home – back to New York, back to Staten Island. It made him that much more adamant that he was going to stay in Boston; that that was what Tessa would've wanted, which he really didn't think was true, and that that was where his life was. Even though he now felt that his reasoning behind the stay was somewhat immature and irrationalized, he also knew it was likely best for him in the end. Coming back home and dealing with his family while he dealt with the loss of his wife under the grey of 9/11 and all that meant not just to him but what the national psyche was telling the country and the world to feel – he couldn't have handled it. He would've had to take on the grief of the city and the grief of his father and brothers who'd lost friends and colleagues and still shook with sadness and anger about it all.

Dealing with it all when he did come home years later had been challenging enough. He thought enough time had passed by, and that he'd grown well enough to be more mature, independent and his own man, that the idiosyncrasies of his family wouldn't get to him – and that they'd see the person he was and what he'd achieved in his career; be proud of their son working at NYU. But the teasing continued from his brothers, the gruffness of his father still barked at him, and his mother was still overbearing. Not to mention the whole community life back on the Island just seemed like it hadn't changed – he might as well have still been in high school most days. But now there was also that quiet simmer going on underneath. It was a community of first responders and there was the burden of loss there that he sometimes found overwhelming to be around. They wanted him to be one of them in his grief and his loss and he just couldn't be – didn't want to be.

So he'd endured it for as long as he could before declaring he just couldn't handle the commute to work and thought he'd be better of moving into Manhattan. His mother had balked at the idea and his brother had told him he was retarded – he was renting the loft about his garage for next to nothing, how much would he be spending to live in a cubicle in the city? He hadn't cared, though. He'd needed the hell out of there. He needed his space and to be able to find himself within what the city had become and had come to represent – to him, the nation, the world and the history book.

So again, his family worried. His mother worried about his safety, his father worried about his financial situation. His mother asked constantly if he'd started dating again and told him he was allowed and that Tessa wouldn't want him to spend his life alone. His father took several occasions to tell him he was allowed to take care of his "needs" but to just not be stupid about it. He might as well have been 16 and trying to find a date to homecoming.

He thought they might've been hopeful that he was venturing into their realm of normal again when he'd first told them he was going to bring "a friend" over for one of their bonfire cook-outs that seemed to happen every Saturday as the winter started to fade away each year. But that diminished when they realized that Olivia really did see him as just a friend – and that she was a single mother and a sex crimes detective. Everything about her initially challenged some of their values and their rigid perspective of what "normal" was.

Still, they'd also seen that her and Noah had been a part of his life for almost three years now. They were names they heard and faces they'd see several times each year. They'd grown to like Olivia and his mother would take the opportunity to dote on Noah like she would her other grandchildren. Even his brothers had begun to treat him more like one of the brood rather than some illegitimate child from some illegitimate relationship. Noah had had play dates with Rob's kids and they'd gotten together with his brothers' families for some of the things you'd expect families to do in the city – skating outdoors in the winter, heading up to the Bronx Zoo in the spring and spending a day on Coney Island in the summer. His family didn't understand their relationship – but they knew the two were important to him and none of them could imagine having a sick child, so they were trying.

Not only had his mother prepared both apartments for their return, but they'd arrived there in the afternoon to find a roast in the oven, a Welcome Home cake, some balloons and a wrapped gift for Noah – a birthday present a week late, now doubling as hospital release surprise.

Though, both he and Olivia were grateful for what they'd done, they'd been tired and had wanted to get Noah settled – and to privately share the joy of having him home and take some time to digest everything that had happened so far as they prepared for the next phase in the rings of purgatory they seemed to be travelling through.

Will had tried to gently suggest that they leave, but his mother would have none of it. Insisting that she'd finish cooking the meal for them and would do the clean up.

They'd then stayed for the meal and his mom had glowed as Noah wolfed down three helpings of mashed potatoes and gravy. Initially Olivia had just been thrilled he was eating anything – even though he only took a couple bites of the meat. He'd dug into a piece of the cake as well – demanding a corner piece with lots of icing. But as his mother had continued to chat at them and not pick up on hints or body language. Olivia had eventually excused herself and moved over to the couch with Noah and put on the first episode of the Star Wars DVD set that he'd received from them.

Will was a little disappointed that he wasn't getting to watch it with them – but had seen Olivia had literally put in Episode I, which he didn't much care to watch. He'd told her to put in Episode IV for Noah but she had made some a comment about that not making any sense and with his mother still yakking at him, he didn't attempt to explain anything that Liv would've shook her head at as being overly geeky and ridiculous. He was actually more jealous of the fact that the two of them were now fast asleep on the couch – and had been for nearly an hour now while he still worked on shooing his parents out the door.

"Com'on May," his father said. "We don't want to outstay our welcome. He's a grown man. He can handle washing a few pots."

His mother sighed dramatically and began to dry off her hands on a tea towel, before using it to wipe off the counter.

His father still had to put his hand on the small of her back and guide her towards the door.

He gave his mother a hug and kiss as she picked up her purse. "Thanks for everything, Mom, really, it helps a lot."

She sighed again. "I just hope it's enough to make things a bit easier for Olivia."

"It is," he assured her. "It's a great help."

His father had already opened the door to start pushing his mother out. He gave his son a firm handshake and one of the half-hug slaps on the back that Will always found a little more jarring than comforting.

"You need anything else, you call us," he told him sternly, "or your brothers. Same goes for Olivia. Anything."

He nodded. "We will."

He patted him on the shoulder. "OK, then, good man."

Will wondered if when he reached 40, he'd finally stop feeling like his father was treating him like he was about 12 years old. But somehow he doubted it.

He closed and dead-bolted the door behind them and let out such an audible sigh, his lips pursed as the air expelled from his lungs. He was exhausted. He hadn't even gone over to his apartment yet to scope things out. He actually felt like he hadn't been in it for weeks – and he really hadn't, other than to change and leave again.

He walked back into the living room and looked at Olivia and Noah. Noah was curled against his mother, his legs and arms going in all directions. Liv had her arm protectively wrapped around him – partially out of necessity to keep him from tumbling to the floor.

It was almost June 1 and it was already evident that it was going to be a hot New York summer and the building still had yet to switch on the air conditioning. But Noah was cold and even dressed in a hoodie with the hood up, Olivia had also wrapped the afghan around him.

He looked even smaller than usual on the couch. The hospital beds in the children's hospital were kid sized and had at times masked just how little and fragile Noah was. Now on the oversized couch and sleeping against his mother, it was apparent just how tiny and sick looking he'd become. But at least he was home – and he was in remission with his counts holding steady for the moment. They could start the consolidation phase of his treatment – and even as fucked up as it was to be happy about something like that, it was a source of joy for them right now.

He sat down at the far end of the couch and continued looking at them. It had likely been a mistake. Olivia was acutely aware of changes in her surroundings whether she was asleep or awake. She stirred and started to open her eyes.

He touched her foot. "It's OK, it's just me. Go back to sleep."

She stretched a bit and looked at Noah who hadn't moved a muscle. "Mmm," she yawned. "Are your parents gone?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

She gave him a small smile. "God," she said.

He laughed. "I know."

Olivia knew his mother was a talker who didn't take no for an answer easily. But he also got from her body language at the supper table that she'd been unimpressed with the extended invasion of her personal space. He didn't blame her.

"How long was I out?"

"About an hour, you should go back to sleep," he told her.

She yawned again. "What are you going to do?"

"If you guys are OK here, I think I'm going to go to my place and lay down for a few hours too."

"Mmm," she put her head back down on the pillow and closed her eyes again. "You should just go lay down in my bed. I'm going to stay here with him. It's nice."

"Maybe," he said but she didn't respond.

He sat watching her and Noah again for several minutes and then sighed and went back to the kitchen. He finished up the last couple pots his mother had left soaking in the sink and pulled the plug. He put both hands on the counter, watching the water cycle down the drain, deciding what he was going to do.

Shaking his head, he did walk down to her room. He thought it looked too clean and tidy for Olivia's bedroom and hoped his mother hadn't moved things around or nosed through her stuff too much or there would be hell to pay – and he'd likely end up taking the brunt of it. But it was nice and dark. He undid his belt and pushed off his jeans, leaving them in a pile on the ground, and pulled back the covers of the freshly made bed.

He remembered thinking that despite all his mother's cleaning, the pillow still smelled like Liv. But it was only a matter of moments before his mind just stopped and let him sleep – a real sleep, for the first time in a month.

**I have several more chapters running around this general timeframe in the AU. Let me know if you want more. Feedback is always appreciated**


	10. Chapter 10

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

******WARNING BUT SPOILER ALERT - Just a warning that this chapter isn't as T-friendly. There's no sex but there's some major making out.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

It had been an OK week. They were slowly getting into the routine that was their life right now – and Noah hadn't coped that badly. There had been some bed-wetting that week from all the fluids they were having to make him drink but no puking - and getting him to and from his appointments hadn't seemed like as much of an ordeal as they'd expected for some reason. Maybe they were just getting used to the schedule. Or maybe they were just happy to not be in the hospital. Even the pain-in-the-ass of having to trek across the city multiple times a week didn't seem like much when it was tempered against the fact that Noah was home.

Still, it had been busy and exhausting in its own new way. It was only the second week of re-learning the whole cancer and chemo thing – now as out-patients. So they'd been trying to unwind and take advantage of the fact that Noah was sleeping OK right now, and not wanting one of them every second.

They were lying on the couch in front of the TV. Olivia was leaning against Will and he had his feet up on the coffee table. It was just comfortable. She'd intertwined her hand with his on the back of the sofa above her head. She'd come to like and want some physical touch from him. It was just comforting to know he was there – that someone was there with her during all of this, for her and for Noah. When she stopped to think about it, she didn't know how she'd be getting by if Will wasn't there to help her. She knew he was making major adjustments to his life, schedule and work commitments to be able to do it – and she didn't take the sacrifices he was make for her and her son lightly.

The Guild, the show he'd picked off Netflix for them to watch, was actually amusing her. It was ridiculous but it was making her laugh. She actually wasn't sure if it was the show or the little comments he was making that were making her giggle more – but either way, she blamed it on the wine. They'd finished off a bottle at dinner and were now close to polishing off a second. She'd decided they deserved it.

"I could totally be Wil Wheaton," he said out of nowhere.

She looked at him. "Who's Wil Wheaton?"

He pointed at the television. "That's Wil Wheaton."

She looked. "You don't look anything like Wil Wheaton," she scrunched up her face. "You're much better looking than Wil Wheaton."

"I didn't say I looked like Wil Wheaton. I said I could be Wil Wheaton."

"What's the difference?"

"I could be that awesomely geeky."

"You are pretty awesomely geeky," she agreed.

"You seriously don't know who Wil Wheaton is?" He asked.

"Why should I know who Wil Wheaton is?"

"Because he's awesome," he told her in his favourite sarcastic enthusiasm tone. "He played Wesley Crusher." She just looked at him blankly. "From TNG. Star Trek, " he clarified.

"Oh, of course!" she slapped his leg. "Wil Wheaton! That helps, thanks."

"He was in Stand By Me. Gordo."

"Oh, the kid who has a leech suck on his balls," she commented with some vague recognition.

"Seriously? That's what sticks out most for you about that movie?"

She thought about it. "Isn't there an explosive vomit scene in that movie too?"

He shook he's head. "God. I have nothing in common with you. Olivia, that movie is a classic."

"Hmm. I don't think that would be on my classic list."

"Then your list is flawed."

"Is that so?" She reached up and taped his cheek, it was scratchy with his five o'clock shadow.

He looked down at her. "Oh, it is."

Their eyes locked for a little too long before he pulled them away and went back to watching the show.

"You know what I do remember from that movie?" She asked.

He glanced down at her. "Hmm? What?"

"Kiefer Sutherland."

He snorted.

"Now, I could tell you who Kiefer Sutherland is," she said.

"Aww. Nice, you have a crush on the drunk-driving head-butter."

She elbowed him in the ribs. "You're an asshole."

"I doubt I'm as much of an asshole as Kiefer allegedly is," he said.

She laughed.

"And 24 sucks," he added – just to bug her, knowing it was one of her only must-see shows.

"24 does not suck."

"24 sucks," he moved and whispered into her ear just as she turned her head to further argue with him. Their faces were about the closest they'd ever been. He could feel her breath against his lips and was about to move away when she leaned up, closing the half an inch between them, and captured them in her's.

His lips were soft but he didn't move them as she kissed him. Just as she thought he was going to break it off, she felt him part his mouth a bit and return the kiss. His breath felt warm and sweet against her's and she opened her mouth a bit more for him. He responded by running his tongue along her lips and parting his more for her as well. She could taste the wine still on his tongue.

She broke it off for a moment to shift her position so she was sitting up. As soon as she was upright, his mouth eagerly returned to her's and his one hand found her waist as the other cupped the back of her head. She gripped his arms, running her one hand up and down his bicep slowly, as her other came to rest on his chest. She could feel his heart pounding.

She felt his hands trailing up her sides; she let him and after she didn't protest, she felt him slip his one hand under her tank and rest it against her stomach. As he slowly started to move that hand upward, she again moved, this time straddling him and pulled her shirt over her head.

She watched as he looked at her for a moment. She could feel him taking her in. He bit on his bottom lip as he examined her. It was only a matter of seconds but it felt like an eternity to her and she felt a flutter of self-consciousness, as she struggled to read him and gauge what he might be thinking. His hands had gone back to resting just above the waist – but he managed to pull his eyes away from her and he quickly returned to kissing her, first on the lips but then just below her ear and down her neck to her collarbone. His cheeks scratched slightly against her skin as he moved.

His hands found their way up to her breasts and he felt them through the simple but silky rose bra she had on. His hands felt strong against her but he was being gentle with his touches. She sighed a little as he touched her, his tongue still running along her collarbone and giving occasional small sucks to her neck.

She threaded her hands through his hair and reached down to rub his ears before moving her mouth down to get some more kisses. He compiled. She could feel his breath was heavier now. His hands started coming up her outer thighs, rubbing against the fabric of her yoga pants that were starting to feel rather restrictive.

She slid back from him a bit and reached down to pull his shirt out of his pants and sent her hands wandering up his stomach and chest while she kissed him. His skin was soft.

She moved over him, trying to encourage him to rock her against him. But he just held her still and kissed at her collarbone again.

She sighed. It felt nice. It had been a long time since a man had touched her. While he did it, she managed to pull his shirt up his chest and he put his arms up for her to take it off. She sat back a bit and took her turn to look at him now. They'd been at the pool together with Noah before and she was familiar with his body. She was long over the shock of the realization that he wasn't some scrawny, pale, bespectacled math nerd. He may like his equations, comics, boardgames and science fiction – but his body didn't reflect the stereotype that went along with those interests. He was fitter than she would've ever expected. But now, as he sat under her with his chest rising up and down with his aroused breathing, she was again reminded in a different way what a good body he had. He really did hide under his clothes choices. He wanted people to see the geek or the frumpy professor – not the athlete that she knew he really was but seemed almost ashamed of for some reason she hadn't yet been able to quite understand.

His stomach was flat and she could see each of his abs and though his biceps weren't bulging, it was clear that he worked out. Then there were the tattoos. Not just one – but creeping around his sides, spanning onto his back, rippling on both of his biceps right now too. He was running his hands up and down her thighs, his thumbs just scrapping against her inner thighs and nearly driving her mad. She looked down and it was then she saw the start of another tattoo peeking out at his hip, barely visible from where his briefs' waistband was. She'd never noticed that one before. She touched it tentatively but he was already pulling her back to his lips before she could look much closer.

She let him. Enjoying the kissing but starting to feel really over dressed and like they were really ready to move beyond foreplay at this point. _What was it? Two and a half years of foreplay? Jesus fuck_, she thought, _ridiculous. But who's fault was that?_

She'd felt his erection pushing hard against her from the moment she'd straddled him. It wasn't getting any less demanding.

She reached down between them and massaged him through his pants. He groaned softly into the kiss and moved his lips to nibble on her jawbone before finding the prefect spot just below her ear to suck at. With that she was nearly loosing it and involuntarily gyrated against him. With her movement, she felt him twitch against her.

She reached down again between them and began to work at undoing his pants. But she fumbled with the clasp, out of practice, and his hands came down to still hers. He'd stopped kissing her.

His chest was still heaving. "We should stop," he panted.

She looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

He nodded, gently pushing her off of him and doing up the one clasp she'd managed to get undone. He got up and bent over behind the couch and picked up his shirt, pulling it back on. He handed her her's as well.

She was sitting on the couch gaping at him. She didn't understand what they were doing – why they were stopping.

"Will?" She questioned. He didn't seem upset – but he seemed distracted. He wasn't there anymore – not the way he had been.

Her mind was reeling. Had she just fucked them up? She'd thought they'd been slowly progressing to this. Sure, this was kind of a rapid jump from friends to the bedroom – but they'd been spending so much time together, they had been cuddling, they were talking more in a way they hadn't before. He'd responded to the kiss. What had just happened?

_Fuck._ How could've she so badly misread where they were going? _He's a fucking widower._ A fucking 9/11 widower at that. She should've known better. She shouldn't have let her emotions about everything else going on around her get the better of her. She just wanted so badly to feel touched and cared for – like it was going to be alright. She thought they'd been doing that for each other. But she should've known better than to let that turn into fucking. _That was fucking stupid_, she cursed herself.

She looked at him and embarrassment flushed over her already flushed face.

"Will … I just …", she didn't know where to begin or how to explain. _Please, God, don't let this fuck up our friendship. Please, can we just pretend it didn't happen._

He looked at her almost like he wasn't seeing her.

"Liv, I just think we should call it a night," he said flatly.

"OK."

She pulled her tank back on and then felt the need to draw the blanket they'd had around them up and around her shoulders.

He sighed. "I should go."

"OK," she mouthed again.

"Night," he said quietly, not making eye contact and heading for the door. She heard it click shut and felt like she was going to cry.

"Fuck," she hit the back of the couch with her fist.

******I have several more chapters running around this general timeframe in the AU. Let me know if you want more. Feedback is always appreciated.**  



	11. Chapter 11

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Her phone vibrated on her bedside table. She rolled over and looked at the clock. It was just after 5 a.m. She picked it up.

"Are you awake?" The text message said.

_God,_ she thought. _If last night wasn't awful enough, he's texting me five hours later._ That was hardly even time to cool off and get a grip on the situation.

"Can you come let me in?" it vibrated again.

She picked it up again and groaned.

Again the phone vibrated. "I need to talk to you now. Before Noah is up. Please."

She sighed and shuffled to the door. At least he was trying to talk to her – he was initiating it. _That had to be a good sign, right?_ Or maybe he was just stopping by to tell her they were just friends, and then he'd begin working at removing himself from her life from there.

She opened the door. He was still wearing what he had on the night before. He clearly hadn't even tried to sleep.

She just turned and went to the couch without saying anything, leaving him to close the door. She wasn't mad at him. She was annoyed with herself and a little embarrassed at how she'd thrown herself at him. But right now she was mostly just confused and tired. She didn't think having a conversation at 5 a.m., on the about two hours sleep she'd managed to get after running through her head several possible outcomes to the apparently misguided make-out session, was going to make her feel any less of either.

He stood in front of her. "You can sit down," she waved her hand sleepily and stifled a yawn. "I'm not going to jump your bones again."

Now he was the one that looked embarrassed but he did sit down.

"I just wanted you to know that it's not about you and you didn't do anything wrong," he said.

That line just sealed it for her. She couldn't do this right now. She was too tired. She didn't want to say anything she didn't mean or that she'd regret. She wanted more time to prepare herself for this conversation and its likely ramifications on their friendship – or the end there-of.

"Will, can we please do this later? I'd like to get at least a couple more hours before Noah's awake, if I can." It was a partial truth.

"I just really need to say this," he said.

She sighed and sat back in the couch, drawing her knee up to her chest defensively. "OK. I'm listening." Or at least she was trying to.

"Umm." He'd practiced it all in his head before coming over, he'd even said parts of it out loud to himself, but now he couldn't seem to get it out.

She sighed again, more audibly annoyed this time.

"I was enjoying what we were doing," he spat out.

"Yeah, I noticed that," she said, sounding a little harsher than she meant to.

He fidgeted again with his hands.

"It's just that it's been a while … like it's really been a while," he said, "and I was enjoying it and … when you started to…" he waved his hands at his crotch "… I thought it was going to get … embarrassing. I was going to cum in your hand … or my pants."

Now she was staring at him. _OK_, that was not one of the potential scenarios she'd run through her head while laying in bed and cursing herself.

He looked down. "I haven't been with anyone since Tessa died." He glanced at her sideways as that set in.

"You haven't been with anyone in ten years?" she said, almost in disbelief but suddenly feeling selfish on more levels than she could've ever imagined.

He stumbled to explain. "It just kind of happened. I mean, I was grieving and then as I got passed that, I didn't … just want to be with just anyone. I just didn't feel right about it. I kind of wanted to know them or feel like there was something to it. I just couldn't bring myself to do the fucking spree thing. And I was just kind of starting to get back into really dating and not just going out when I met you … and Noah … and I was spending a lot of time with you guys and I just didn't really know how to explain that to a girlfriend … so just kind of … avoided anything serious."

He looked at her again, she was staring and her jaw was sitting slightly slack.

"It's not like I haven't dated and done …," he said. "I just haven't …"

She still wasn't saying anything so he kept on babbling against his better judgment.

"And it's just that, even if you get beyond Tessa, I just don't have a lot of experience. I'd only been with two other women before her, and you …" he kind of looked at her but didn't want to stick his foot in his mouth. He knew she was more experienced than him.

"I just know that … the first time isn't going to be … very good," he glanced at her again. "I just don't want you to judge me on it. I'm just out of practice. I know what I'm doing."

She touched his arm but didn't say anything. He wasn't looking at her. In his discomfort he seemed like a teenaged kid who had some how managed to end up in the bedroom of the older college girl only to realize he had no idea what the hell he was doing. He just seemed so awkward and embarrassed – and scared.

"I'd really appreciate it if you said something," he finally sighed, pressing his hands into his eyes and shaking his head.

She moved closer to him and rubbed his shoulder, before looping her arm around his.

"I could tell you knew what you were doing," she said.

He snorted. "Yeah?"

"Well, if me grinding my crotch against you wasn't clue enough," she nudged him in the side gently. "I almost came in my pants too," she added, feeling a little silly admitting it. She was a grown woman.

But he laughed a little.

They sat quietly for a few minutes.

"I haven't been with anyone since I had Noah. Well, I guess, actually, more accurately, since I got pregnant with Noah."

He looked at her. "Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised.

She nodded. "I guess I haven't really figured out how to combine the whole single motherhood thing with dating and having a sex life." She didn't really like to think about that.

She'd kind of hoped that at some point it would've just clicked and she would've felt OK going out with a man again and starting a relationship – or at least going out and getting laid. But even thinking about it made her feel guilty on levels she wouldn't have even considered before having Noah. Not to mention, she sure as hell wasn't going to bring some strange man home anymore with her son sleeping in the next room - and she'd never been one to go over to their place. So what she thought might be just a rut until she got out of caring-for-baby mode had turned into a rather significant drought. She at times wondered if it was going to turn into about 18 years of celibacy. Some nights it made her want to bash her head against the headboard.

"I'm kind of out of practice too," she admitted.

She wondered if he felt as uncomfortable and pathetic admitting it all out loud as she did.

"We can go as slowly," she finally said. "I didn't mean to rush you. I … my emotions are just running high lately. I just felt like I needed to be touched. But if aren't ready for that, it's OK."

He nodded. "No, I know. I feel it too," he sighed. "And, it's not that I'm not ready. It's just …"

She nodded. "Well, then, I guess, it can basically be whenever you want then. You just have to let me know … somehow."

He snorted and kind of rolled his eyes. "OK."

"I won't judge you," she met his eyes. "First times always suck anyways. You were actually doing pretty good."

He allowed a small smile, that she thought had a touch of slyness to it. "I'd been thinking about it a while."

"Mmm." She paused and ran her hand down to hold his. "Me too."

They fell quiet again.

"Thank you for telling me," she whispered.

He just nodded against her cheek.

******I have several more chapters running around this general timeframe in the AU. Let me know if you want more. Feedback is always appreciated.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She felt his weight shifting on the bed and sleepily looked at the clock. It was just after 4 a.m. She sighed.

One good thing about her taking time off work with Noah being sick was she'd started to get used to sleeping in until almost normal people hours most days. But Will had been spending the night more than not anymore and was always rolling out of bed at an ungodly hour to go exercise. His commitment to his training regiment, even during everything they were dealing with, made her feel like a lazy ass some days.

She reached her hand out and put it against his lower back.

"You heading out?" She mumbled at him.

He looked over his shoulder at her from where he was putting on his socks and bent over to give her a small kiss. "Mmm, yeah. Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

She rolled towards him. "You should come back to bed." She tugged at the waistband of his shorts.

He smiled but shook his head. "I want to get some time in on my bike before the pool opens."

She stretched. "You're crazy."

He gave her another kiss. "I know. I'll be back in a few hours."

She yawned and reached her hand to stifle it. "What do you want for breakfast?"

He knew she was planning on going into the station house that day and would likely be heading out the door shortly after he got back.

"Yogurt, oatmeal, whatever," he told her. "Don't go nuts."

"I hate you a little for being a health freak," she said, rolling back on her side away from him.

He shook her shoulder and smiled. "You love it."

"Mmm, I don't," she mumbled. "Leave me alone. I'm going back to sleep."

He kissed the top of her head again and left the room.

**Feedback always appreciated**


	13. Chapter 13

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was up and dressed in her work clothes by the time he got back. She had Noah awake and dressed too. He was sitting at the bar stool of the kitchen counter picking away at his breakfast while Olivia leaned against the opposite counter supervising and working at finishing off her own bowl of oatmeal and blueberries.

"Hey," he said, coming in and leaning forward to give her a peck on the cheek but she shook her spoon at him and made a no motion.

"You're all sweaty," she said.

He looked at himself. He was in jeans and a tshirt – and he'd showered and changed after his swim. His hair was still wet, but other than that, he thought he look pretty much like any other person on a weekday morning.

"Seriously? I was at the pool. It's water." She just shook her head no again. "Ooookay. No touching Mommy," he told Noah who giggled.

He opened the fridge door and found the carton of chocolate milk he left in there for his post-work-out carb boost. But as he went to pop it open and take a swig he felt a glass shoved into his chest.

"Use a glass," she told him.

"I'm the only person who drinks it," he said, feeling a little like she was treating him like a teenaged kid.

"He drinks it," she pointed a Noah.

It wasn't true, but he didn't argue. Noah hadn't taken all but a sip of any sort of milk since he started chemo. Unless diary was a chocolate bar or strawberry ice cream, he wasn't interested. They'd been attempting to pump him full of high-fat and high-protein foods at the urging of his dietician – trying to bulk him up a bit with his sudden weight drop. But it was still hard to get him to eat anything most days. Olivia's latest attempt was to try to convince him that yogurt wasn't really diary – it was almost the same as ice cream – and tasted super awesome. Noah hadn't really bought into it.

Still, Will noticed it was yogurt with cut up strawberries that she had in front of her son. Rather than eat it, though, it looked more like Noah was just picking out the strawberries and trying to scrape the yogurt off them with his spoon.

"Where's the …" he didn't have a chance to finish before she was again pointing with her spoon towards Noah. The box of granola that she knew he always ate in the morning when he was there was sitting on the island. He grabbed the box and shook some into Noah's bowl. The boy made a wordless shriek in protest.

"Stir it up," Will told him, "it will make the yogurt taste better."

Noah started pushing around his breakfast even more – looking slightly unimpressed. But he saw him put a small amount in his mouth and taste it, and he didn't spit it out or toss down his spoon.

He found a bowl for himself and poured some of the cereal in. Olivia handed him the almond milk – and he saw she was drinking a green smoothie concoction. "Is there any more of that?" he asked.

She slide down the counter so he could get the half-full blender from behind her and pour himself a glass.

As he started to crunch on his cereal, also now watching Noah intently, she said, "You need to remember to get to the hospital like – AT LEAST - 45 minutes before his appointment. You need to get his blood work done and go to the pharmacy to pick up his drugs."

He glanced at her. They'd already talked about this – several times in the previous days – in making the decision, that yes, she could go to work that day, and yes, he was perfectly capable of getting Noah into the hospital that day and didn't have work commitments that would conflict with it.

"I know," he said, a little annoyed.

"Just don't put it off, you know how backed up they can get there and if you don't get the prescription in, you'll end up sitting in the chemo ward forever."

"Liv, I know," he said. "I was there when we made that mistake – remember?"

For their first out-patient treatment they'd somehow missed the tidbit about your scheduled time not being your arrival time. So they'd got there at 11:30 a.m., only to find out they had to take the list of drugs to the hospital pharmacy and deal with the insurance and paying for it, then they had to go and sit for eons waiting for one lousy vial of blood to be taken from Noah, and then he had to have all his vitals taken and then by the time they got to the actual desk to go in for his treatment, they were so late his timeslot had already passed and they had to sit and wait until another chair opened up for him. And even when they finally got him in, his chemo drugs hadn't arrived yet from the pharmacy. So what was supposed to be a quick 20 minute drip had turned into an entire exhausting day. They hadn't made that mistake again. Now they sometimes dropped the pharmacy orders off the night before but they always at least got there about an hour before Noah's scheduled start time.

At least Noah didn't seem to notice them bickering right now, Will thought. He actually seemed to be enjoying his poor-man's yogurt parfait and was taking cautious mouthfuls.

"And make sure you try to get him to eat again before you go over. Remember this one has that drug in it that will have him all nauseated tomorrow. I want to make sure he's got some food into him before we go through another three days of force feeding him."

He sighed. They'd also already talked about this – and again, he knew.

"Com'on, Liv, I'm not a first timer here."

He knew she didn't like missing one of his chemo treatments – or any of his appointments. But she'd been trying to get in to work at least two full-days a week and had already skipped out much of this week taking Noah in for a follow-up spinal tap, a consult with the dietician, and an appointment with his lead oncologist. She'd decide that this was about the only appointment during the week she was willing to miss to get in some hours at the office.

Snagging about half-week's full pay was basically what was keeping her afloat at the moment. The compassionate leave benefits weren't anywhere near enough to make ends meet and, though, she'd accept help, time and pretty much any groceries Will brought over – she drew the line at money. He thought it was a little ridiculous. He knew he made more money than her and didn't have any real financial commitments – other than finishing up paying off his student debts and handing in his rent cheque each month. Considering the situation and their relationship – even though it was technically "early" if they went from when the sex started (which he thought was also a ridiculous reference point given how much time they'd spent together over the past three years) and non-existent if they went with how Olivia wanted to define it, which was undefined – he didn't see the harm in providing some top-up to her bank account. But he didn't argue with her about it. Arguing with her usually just made any sort of situation worse and resulted in her more stubbornly digging in her heels.

But really, her missing an appointment here and there wasn't going to destroy Noah's progress at all either. As far as he was concerned, she needed some time out of the hospital and out of the house and interacting with other situations, even if those other situations were doing paperwork in the fucking sex crimes unit. At least it meant she was seeing and interacting with her peers in the station and not ferreting over Noah's every breath and trying to micromanage the hospital staff. And this was about as in-and-out of the hospital as they could get anyways. Will was more than pretty sure he could handle it.

It had become fairly routine at this point. Noah wasn't that bothered by it. They knew where to go and what to do. They technically should be in and done within about 90 minutes to two hours. In the grand scheme of their new reality, this was about as 'no-big-deal' as they could get.

"Can you make sure you remember that I've got a lecture at 4:15 and we need to switch off by then?" He told her almost as snarkly as he felt she'd been talking to him.

She didn't seem to notice. "Yep. 212A – Warden Hall."

He looked at her. She was scraping the bowl out with that metal on ceramic sound that made his skin crawl. He wondered if she knew she was doing it or it was just habit.

"Liv, did something happen while I was out?"

She actually really looked at him for the first time since he'd come back in. Her eyes looked at him questioningly.

She stuck the spoon in her mouth to lick it off and shook her head. "No? Why?"

"You just seem kind of …" he was going to go with bitchy but managed to avoid that firestorm and said "…more worked up about things then when I left?"

"Mmm," she nodded. "Work called. I have to go out to a crime scene from here. I guess I'm just," she motioned with her spoon at her head and then took the bowl over to the sink to rinse it out and put it into the dishwasher. "Thinking, getting into that headspace."

They hadn't had her out on a case yet since she'd been back. They'd had her sitting at the desk – doing paperwork, taking phone calls. She had gotten to take some statements a few times. But that was about it. They'd kept her out of the field – not wanting to put her own emotional health at risk, nor risk her distraction having an impact in judgment that could have major implications for a victim or another officer.

Will looked at the back of her head as she finished up with her dish and enquired with Noah if he was done and started scraping his little bit of leftovers into the compost bin.

"Are you OK with that?" He asked.

She glanced back at him and shrugged. "Yeah, why?"

"I don't know – because …" He had no idea what she'd be going to see: a woman, a teen, a child, an infant, a man; raped, beaten, murdered? Would she being pursuing a suspect? Would weapons be drawn? Could she even handle any of it with everything that had been going on with Noah? Should she even try? She didn't need more on her plate. He thought it might break her. "… If you aren't ready for that, you should tell your Captain and ask that someone else stand in. I thought they were keeping you on the desk for a while?"

She turned and gave him a small smile and squeezed the one hand he had resting against the counter where he was le

aning. "Will, I'm fine. I've been back in to work for about two months now. I need to start getting back in the field eventually."

He nodded. "I just thought they'd wait for that until you were back full-time."

She sighed. "When will that be?"

She seriously didn't know. They were at the tail end of the consolidation phase of Noah's treatment now but that just meant he was going to have to have some more time in the hospital for an intensification round. She'd be off work again for that and at his bedside but it sounded like after that she might be able to increase her workload as Noah started on maintenance therapy. But she really didn't know and she was really just taking it a day at a time.

Cragen was being flexible – if she wanted to come in two days, she went in two days; if she wanted one, he was OK with that too. He appreciated a bit of notice, in terms of assigning his people on a given day to a given case – but he was being more than accommodating. She supposed that was one of the benefits of having worked in SVU for so long – support and latitude from Cragen. She knew when she was ready to go up to three or even four days, he'd be there for her too and purposefully slowly phase her back into the more routine and daunting work of a SVU detective rather than her just being a glorified desk jockey.

"Besides, I'm fine. It will be kind of nice to contribute something besides paperwork to the unit."

He was looking at her hardly. She put her hand on his chest. "I'm fine," she assured him again.

He sighed and looked down, putting a hand to his temple.

"It's just …" she pushed his chin up so he meet her eyes again. "What are you going to see today?"

She could tell what he was thinking: Worrying that she wasn't going to balance the case work was well now; that she wouldn't be able to keep up the facade of being OK, that she'd see something that would remind her of Noah, or those other kids in the hospital, and all the pain and hurt and fear that she just wanted to take away from her son and that she hadn't be able to, that it would set her off and she'd have some sort meltdown, that he and Noah would lose her amidst everything else that was already crumbling apart in the life they were still trying to piece back together and call normal.

"It's a rape," she told him softly. "I'm going to the crime scene and then I'm going to the hospital to interview the victim."

"It's not a kid? And they're alive?" He asked.

She shook her head. "It's not a kid," she assured him. "She's in her 20s and she survived."

Will just nodded, trying to avoid the forced eye contact. He wasn't as good at managing and hiding his emotions as she was.

She wrapped her arms around his waist. "Will, I'm OK."

"OK," he said against her hair.

**Feedback is appreciated**


	14. Chapter 14

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: If you don't know the background on Olivia's pregnancy and the father of her son, to get some context for this chapter, you might want to check out another one of my stories, Changes. This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah had been babbling at her most of their trip home. Beyond acting a little tired, he didn't seem to be feeling much effect from the drugs yet that afternoon – and he was instead telling her about his day, which sounded much more exciting than her's.

There'd been an ice cream social happening for the kids at the hospital so he'd gotten to go over to that after his treatment. They'd had about a thousand toppings to choose from and more flavours, he'd told her. But he'd picked strawberry with real strawberries in it and he'd gotten chocolate syrup, whipped cream, chocolate chips, sprinkles and even more strawberries on it. She could actually see why he'd been excited about that. Will's choice apparently had been much less sophisticated.

"He just got sherbet," Noah had told her and wrinkled up his nose, "without nothing."

His day had gotten even more exciting when he got to go to Will's office. Will's office was always exciting to Noah. It had a vending machine down the hall that "you can see things and pick". That always fascinated her son. You could give him permission for a treat and he'd still stand in front of it humming and ha-ing about what he was going to get for about five minutes – there were just so many options and he'd carefully weigh each one before coming back and dragging one of them down to put in the bills in for him. He'd gotten peanut butter cups that day because, "Will said I could even though I had ice cream."

The awesomeness of small, dinghy university office was made even better in her son's eyes because of the sheer number of toys Will had there – action figures, board game pieces, playing cards, stress balls of all shapes and Rubik's cubes of sizes and geometrics that she hadn't known existed until she him. The infrequency at which Noah actually spent any time in Will's office meant that going in there was about the equivalent of entering a new toy store and being told he could have the run of the place. Liv didn't know how Will managed to get any work done when he took the boy there – or even when he wasn't there, considering the amount of clutter and distraction he had in his space.

But the icing on the cake for the day for Noah was that one of Will's grad students had shown him a "magic track" - how to type 'hello' into a calculator. Noah was proud of this new-found knowledge – and his ability to spell the word, which he'd already dictated for her alphabetically and numerically several times – and he was itching to get home and show her the trick himself, despite her telling him she didn't think they had a calculator in the apartment. Who did have calculators anymore anyways? For all the math she ever did, she could do it on some app on her phone. She'd told him they might have to wait until Will got home for him to show her this "magic trick". He'd have a calculator at his place, right?

She'd been so absorbed listening to her son, as they made the walk hand-in-hand from the subway back to the building, that it wasn't until the man sitting on the steps in front stood up and made a move towards him that her mind realized who it was.

She pulled Noah's arm back towards her harder than she'd meant to and started dragging him down the street the way they'd come. "Mom," he'd protested.

Her mind was reeling on how to get out of this encounter and how to shelter her son from it. She stopped in front of another building, and shuffled him up onto the first step, partially hidden from view by the banister.

"You stay right here," she told him sternly. "Don't move."

Her son was watching her with wide eyes and she walked quickly towards the man following after them. She glanced back at Noah, and held out her hand for the man to stop walking. They were still about 10 metres away from where she'd left the boy.

"Olivia," the man said and held out his hand to touch her shoulder.

She jerked away before he could. "You don't touch me, Kurt," she said louder than she'd wanted to. She glanced back at Noah again. "What do you want?" she asked more quietly.

"Oh, com'on, Liv," he huffed. "You're the one that got in touch with me."

"Three months ago, Kurt," she spat. "More than three months ago."

She regretted that she'd tried to reach him but at this point she hadn't really expected to hear from him in any capacity, let alone have him sitting on her doorstep.

In the first 48 hours of terror following Noah's initial diagnosis, she'd kept herself up at night Googling and scaring herself even more. She'd seen that some types of leukemia needed bone marrow transplants or even stem cell transplants and that her son's treatments would likely require blood transfusions and even if not, the hospitals liked to have blood on hand in case there was a need for an emergency transfusion. She'd stewed that if Noah needed any of those things and she didn't match. She had no blood ties to turn to as an initial starting points – beyond Simon and that just seemed so messy she didn't want to think about it. Kurt had seemed like the next logical place to go, and in her panicked mind, she'd decided that he had a right to know his child had cancer anyways.

So she'd left messages on his voicemail asking that he call her, she'd call the newspaper asking where he was – Hong Kong, and had sent off several emails until his lack of response resulted in a final note that just said: "Your son has cancer." She still hadn't gotten a reply.

In the end, though, Noah had acute lymphocytic leukemia and didn't need a transplant and her blood type matched his anyways. And, as the weeks passed and she still hadn't heard anything from Kurt she'd come to accept that his lack of interest in playing any part in Noah's life, even acknowledging his existence, really and truly wasn't ever going to happen. She should've known better anyways. Even getting child support out of him involved lawyers.

She'd tried to tell herself over the years that her judgment wasn't so bad that she would've dated such an asshole, that he'd never come across as a bad guy when they had gone out. She tried to convince herself he just wasn't father material – he was married to his job and didn't have time for anything or anyone else in his life, at least not in a meaningful way. But his reaction – or lack there-of – to Noah's illness had sealed it for her. Kurt was a self-centred, arrogant bastard that she'd really prefer to never see again, let alone allow him anywhere near her son.

He placed his hands on his hips and looked at the sky. "How's he doing?"

"He has leukemia. How do you think he's doing?"

"Look, Liv …"

"What do you want Kurt?" She said more forcibly this time.

"Well, to start, I'd like to see him."

She shook her head. "That's not happening."

Kurt had taken the time to see Noah twice in his life. He'd come once when he was four months old after he'd gotten back from an assignment in Afghanistan and then again at about 20 months. He'd miscalculated his son's age at that visit and brought a Happy 2nd Birthday card. Since then there hadn't been any interest in the boy and Olivia's only interactions him had been mostly through their lawyers – expect for the occasional angry telephone call or email from him, which she'd just pass on to her lawyer anyhow.

She knew that from where Noah was peaking around the concrete banister at them and scuffing his feet, he'd just be seeing his mother talking to a man. There was no way he could recognize Kurt or know who he was. She hoped that he wouldn't have a spidey sense about it, telling herself he was just a little boy and he wouldn't put two and two together that easily.

"Liv, he's my son," Kurt said.

She felt her hand come up, she wasn't sure what she had intended to do – slap him, punch him? – but she managed to pull it in at the last second and just point angrily at him.

"No, he is not your son," she hissed at him. "You may have fathered him, but he is NOT your son."

He shook his head at her. "Liv, you can't keep him from me. I have a right to see him."

"Your rights?" She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "What's the sudden interest here Kurt?"

"You called me," he said again.

She crossed her arms across her chest. She didn't know what was up but she was sensing he had an agenda. "I'm not discussing this any further with you, right now. You want to re-open this, your attorney can get in touch with mine. We can go and talk to a judge about your rights – maybe we can talk about you skirting your responsibilities and your child support being in arrears too? How about we add in some discussion about your lack of communication with him? You know what that is after six months, Kurt? Abandonment."

He glared at her. "Are we going to keep playing this game, Olivia?"

She shook her head. "It isn't a game," she said. "It's my life – and it's that little boy's life. I don't know what you're up to. But given the situation right now, I have a feeling there isn't a family court judge in this city that would be handing you the Father of the Year award. So you want to ball? I'll play ball."

His eyes were like nails into her but he started walking down the street towards the subway, but it was also towards Noah.

"You come to my home again and I'll get out a restraining order," Olivia said. "Noah, come here," she held out her hand.

But her son just stood there staring at the man as he got closer to him. He stopped in front of him and looked down at the child.

"Hi Noah," he said with a smile. The boy didn't respond. He flipped opened his shoulder bag and held out a stuffed panda bear for him. "I got this for you."

"You don't take presents from strangers," Noah whispered but his mother was there and grabbed him up and to her chest.

"You've got him trained, Liv," he said to her.

"You don't talk to my son," she spat and stormed back towards their building.

**Feedback is appreciated**


	15. Chapter 15

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Why'd that man know our names?" Noah asked at the dinner table, pushing his spaghetti around with his fork and then shoving romaine lettuce that had become soaked with the pasta sauce into his mouth.

She looked up from her own meal. She could feel Will's eyes move to her questioningly but she avoided looking at him.

She had hoped she'd managed to defuse Noah's questions about what had happened outside the building. As they'd gone up to the apartment, he'd asked her who the man was and why he'd tried to give him a stuffed animal. She'd responded vaguely with "a great big nobody" and tickled him, making him giggle, and then emphasized again that "you never take presents from strangers." After getting into their place and switching on the television for him and pulling out some of his action figures and Legos, he'd seemed to be adequately distracted and dropped the subject. She'd hoped that in the two hours that had passed since then, he'd forgotten it even happened. Apparently there was no such luck.

She shrugged. "I don't know, sweets. Did he?"

Noah shoved more salad into his mouth and nodded, "Yeah."

"Hmm," she said, like she was actually trying to come up with an answer to a very hard question, which in reality she was. "Hey, why don't you finish up and go wash your hands, your show is going to be starting?"

He didn't argue and disappeared down the hall to the bathroom and then flopped in the living room, switching back on the television. She'd purposely put it on the channel for Clone Wars before she'd turned it off while they ate dinner.

She stood from the table and stacked her and Noah's plates. She picked up the serving bowl that still had a lot of pasta in it. She held it out to Will. He'd arrived home late, being caught by some kids at the end of class who had questions and then stuck on a subway where someone had pulled the emergency stop. They'd already started eating dinner when he arrived and he was now still working on finishing up his plate.

"Do you think you're going to want more?" She asked.

He was about a month out from his triathlon and she knew he was being more conscious about his carb-loading and bulking up his diet ahead of some his major training sessions. He'd already told her he want to get out and do a big practice session on the coming Saturday morning.

"Hmm. Maybe, just leave it."

She took her's and Noah's plate to the kitchen but then came back and sat with him while he finished his meal.

"What was that about?" He asked.

She glanced into the living room. Noah was fixated on the television but was sitting so he could still see them. She didn't think he could hear them though or was even listening.

She sighed. "Kurt was sitting in front of the building when we got home."

Will looked up from his meal. "What?"

He didn't know all the details of Olivia's relationship with Kurt Moss. He didn't really need to. The only information he really needed was that he was Noah's father and that he'd never been around as long as he'd known them. The only mention he'd ever really gotten about him from Olivia was that he was "a mistake" and had now caused for additional stress, paperwork and lawyers in her life. But he had known she'd gotten in touch with him after Noah's diagnosis. She'd been upset when she hadn't heard back from him and had admitted the discretion and ranted about the results. Will thought it was likely a mistake that she'd reached out to him – that if she had wanted him to be advised that Noah was sick, that it should've been done through the lawyers as well – but he'd also figured given the circumstances and the dead-beat the guy seemed to be, nothing would really come of it.

"Did you call the police?" He asked. She raised her eyebrow at him. "You know what I mean."

"He wasn't doing anything illegal."

"Sounds a little like stalking to me – sitting in front of our building."

She shook her head. "Not in New York State, he wasn't."

"Trespassing?"

"No. He was on public property. Maybe loitering but someone would've had to complain."

He sighed. "Well, what did he want?"

She gestured towards Noah like it was obvious. "To see him."

"Did you let him?"

"No," she said. "He saw him, but I didn't let him see him."

"Did Noah recognize him?"

She shook her head and pushed her bangs up her forehead a bit. "No, I don't think so. I hope not. But he's asking questions about it. Who he was."

Will looked back down his plate, which was getting cold but he didn't feel much like eating anymore at that point.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Arrrg," she groaned and leaned her forehead against the heels of her hands and looked at the table. "No. I don't think so. He's too little to grasp it. It'd confuse and upset him. He doesn't need that right now."

"What if he figures it out?"

"Will, he's five."

He shrugged.

"He made reference to 'his rights'," she said under her breath, watching Noah to make sure his eyes were still on the television. "I told him to take it up with the lawyer. I don't know. I feel like he's aiming at something. He didn't say what. I don't need this right now."

He reached out and held her hand from across the table. She gave him a small smile.

"Maybe you should try to talk to Noah a little bit about it," he said. "In case something comes out of it."

She pulled her hand back from his a bit.

"Nothing is going to come out of it," she said. "What does he need to know about it anyways? He knows his father not in the picture, that's enough."

Will sighed. He knew Olivia's perspective on fathers and their role in children's lives was a little skewed from his. He understood why but sometimes he found it hard to understand in certain contexts. He'd tried to argue with her before that there are fathers – biologically – but that didn't make a father. Though she had agreed, she hadn't had the latter in her life either and he could tell she struggled with really getting the need - and like any thought she put into it was just some lonely, little girl wanting a Daddy fantasy from her childhood that her mother had never even tried to make a reality for her – likely because she was too scarred from what Olivia's biological father had done.

It was actually one way he was happy that she had the partner she had. At least Elliot Stabler provided some perspective for her that no all man who father children are utter assholes or dead-beats and provided some sort of bar and example of what a father was supposed to be. Otherwise, he thought Olivia might've been content just telling Noah he was hatched his whole life and possibly try to convince him that Daddies really just were an illusion that other kids around him were making up.

"I just think that maybe given everything lately, he might have some questions about his father." She raised an eyebrow at him. "He's seeing a lot of kids with their dads at the hospital, Liv. Dads there taking care of their kids there, playing with them. He gets that he doesn't."

"He has you," she offered. It was meant as a compliment but he sighed and looked at the table.

He glanced over his shoulder at Noah before looking at her. "A couple weeks ago, in the waiting room for that art therapy session I took him to, he asked me out of no where if I was his daddy. I tell him no, he knows that. So then he goes, 'Well who is my daddy?'"

Liv's eyes were fixed on him. "What did you tell him?"

He shrugged. "I was lucky. The therapist called him in. I managed to not have to answer."

"Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"He seemed to drop it," he sighed. "I didn't want you to get worked up about it – to add it to your list of things to worry about it. But that little head of his is churning, Liv. I don't know what's going through it but if he sensed what was going on down there …"

She sighed. "Fuck. When does this shit ever get simpler?"

He rubbed the top of her one hand.

"Your pasta sauce was really good," he offered as a consolation.

She laughed. "Yeah, that was simple. It was in a jar."

"Your cooking abilities never cease to amaze me."

She made a "blarg" sound and put her head down on the table. He moved his hand and stroked her hair a bit.

"It's OK, you know?"

"I know," she mumbled but didn't look up.

**Feedback appreciated**


	16. Chapter 16

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They had finished reading his bedtime story but Noah was now sitting and looking at the front pages of the book again. The first few pages had cartoon caricatures of dinosaurs and he liked to look at them and tell Olivia which one was which or point to the ones he didn't yet have memorized for her to read the name to him. He could easily spend as much time just looking at the two pages of pictures as it took for her to read him the story itself.

She cupped his cheek bring his head to lean against her as he continued to look.

"Sweets, Will told me that asked him a while ago if he was your daddy," she said. "Is that true?"

Noah shrugged and kept looking at the book, turning the page to re-examine the next one now.

"You understand he isn't your daddy, right?" She asked.

He nodded and looked up at her. "But he does daddy-things," he told her before looking at his picture book again.

"That's true," she said.

"And he's a boy," Noah added.

She smiled. "He is a boy."

"And he's good at playing. Dads are supposed to be good at playing," he said.

"He is good at playing," she agreed.

"He's way better at playing Star Wars than you," Noah told her.

She poked him. "Is that so?"

He nodded. _Hmm, I guess I have to get some Star Wars playtime tips from Will_, she thought.

"You don't make light saber sounds and can't talk like a Wookie like him," Noah said.

_OK, maybe I won't be getting Star Wars tips from Will._

"And Will makes yellow Jell-o," Noah told her.

She tried not to laugh. He had an interesting list of fatherly requirements. "He does make Jell-o," she agreed again.

"He has the blue badge at the hospital." _There it is_, she thought. "Dads have blue badges at the hospital."

She took the book from Noah's hands and closed it, putting it on the nightstand next to his bed. She looked down at him.

"Some dads do have the blue badge at the hospital," she agreed. "But sometimes its grandmas or aunties or big brothers that have the blue badge too. We've meet lots of people with blue badges who aren't daddies."

"But lots are too," Noah said.

"Some of them. But it depends on the family, Noah. Not all families have daddies and not all daddies get to have a blue badge at the hospital."

He looked at her. She could see he was thinking it over in his weird little five-year-old way. He'd been astute to begin with but what he'd had to endure so far with his illness had added another layer of maturity to her baby that sometimes frightened her a bit and made her a little sad.

"But if Will has a blue badge and does daddy-things when why isn't he just my dad?"

She pulled him a little closer to her and smoothed out some of his blankets while she now took her turn to try to come up with an answer.

"Well, do you remember us talking about how grown-ups decide they want to be a Mommy and Daddy and then they have to make the baby together?" Her son nodded against her. "Well, I didn't make you with Will."

Noah was playing with her hand – lifting it up and dropping it. She let him. "Why not? Will's good."

She smiled against the top of his head. "He is good. But I didn't know Will when I decided I wanted to make a baby. You were two," she tapped his nose, "when I met Will. So you were already here."

"Then who'd you make me with?"

She cuddled him again. "I made you with a man I was friends with."

"Are you still friends?"

She shook her head.

"Is that why he isn't my dad too?"

She nodded.

Noah thought about it. "Why aren't you friends? He could be my dad if you were still friends."

Explaining the complexities of a relationship and sex and fatherhood and parental responsibilities to a five-year-old was hard. How could she find words that'd he'd understand and say it all in a way that made any sense to him? But his eyes kept looking at her with this deep questioning. He wanted to understand – but it was so beyond the realm of his few years of little boy experiences.

She wanted to keep him a little boy as long as possible. He was already losing parts of his childhood to the health care system – trying to conceptualize all this for him just seemed like it was chipping at the foundation even more.

"Well, when I found out I was going to have you, I was soooo happy and excited." She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and shook him a bit; he giggled. "But he wasn't as happy or as excited as me and it made me a little sad. I didn't know how I could be friends with him when he wasn't as happy and excited as me."

He grabbed her hand at the mention of sad and looked up at her. He hated when he thought she was sad or hurting. She saw how he sensed it and how it affected him and it had made her struggle to push down those feelings even more over the last few months.

"Don't be sad mom," he pleaded to her.

She shook her head. "Mmm, sweets, I'm not sad anymore. How could I be sad when I got to have an amazing little boy like you?"

He sat back a bit at her assurance and seemed to be thinking about it all again.

"If you and Will aren't friends anymore does that mean he won't do daddy-things anymore?"

She took his hands in hers and kissed above his ear. "Well, Noah, you don't have to worry about that – because Will and I both think you are so amazing and so much fun and love you so much, even if we had the biggest fight ever, Will would still do daddy-things with you."

He rubbed his cheek against her chest, clearly thinking. She patted his arm.

"He can be like a daddy even though he isn't, right Mom?"

She took his face in her hands and looked into his eyes. "He most definitely is like your daddy - better."

She kissed his forehead. "OK? You need to get some sleep," she told him. She moved from behind him and off the bed, patting the pillows for him to lay down. He did and she pulled the comforter up around him and tucked it in at his sides.

He looked at her. "Mom, how come your friend didn't want to be my daddy?"

She sat back down on the edge of his bed. "Noah, some times grown-ups are silly and make bad decisions that have an effect on other people. But, you know what? It's his loss, because everyone around you knows how great you are – and he's missing out."

"Me and Will could probably beat him up, if you want."

She almost laughed again but managed to keep it under control. "Nope, no beating people up. That's wrong."

She patted him his stomach and bent over to give him another kiss on the cheek. He wrapped his arms around her neck and returned the kiss, sloppily.

"OK? I love you, I love you, I love you more, my precious little dinosaur," she told him, it was the mantra out of the picture book they'd just finished reading and had been reading every night for the past three months.

"I love you too, Mommy."

She smiled softly and stood from his bed. "Good night, sweets. Sleep tight."

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," he responded and then rolled over onto his side.

She went to the door, switching off the main light and flicking on the nightlight. She pulled the door half-way shut.

Will was standing in the hall, a few feet down from the door, clearly eavesdropping.

"You're a good mom," he told her, articulating each word purposefully.

He knew that she constantly questioned her mothering ability. She loved Noah and clung to him and fought for him with the fierceness that you'd expect and want from a mother. But he also knew she felt like she was failing him and had failed him from the get-go. She felt like Noah had got some sort of bum-wrap deal ending up with her as a mother.

She just shook her head at him and looked up at the ceiling.

"Hey, no, don't do that," he said. "Olivia, you're a good mom."

"It's just …"

He interrupted her. "No, you don't have anything to explain and you don't have anything to apologize for. Not to me, not to Noah – not to anyone," he told her. "Olivia, when that little boy grows up, he's not going to look back and dwell on whether or not his crappy biological father was around, or these fucking chemo treatments or any of the BS. I guarantee what will stand out will be you and what will have meant anything in all of this was that he had a mother who hugged him, kissed him, fought for him and made sure he knew she loved him a stupid amount. That's what matters. Fuck the rest of it. You're a good mom."

She leaned against the wall and looked at him. "Why do you always have to say things that may me want to punch you?"

He shook his head no again. "Nope you can't do that either. Beating people up is wrong."

She snorted at that and really did punch him in the shoulder. He made a fake "I'm so hurt" face and grabbed at it.

"That wasn't nice," he said, as she pushed by him to go back into the living room.

"Oh well. I've got nothing to apologize for – not to you, not to Noah, not to anyone," she smiled back at him.

**Feedback is appreciated**


	17. Chapter 17

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia tossed her notebook onto her desk and pulled open the top drawer to dig around for her MTA card. They'd just gotten back into the precinct from collecting some witness statements Uptown and she was already running late.

Elliot glanced at her as he came back from the kitchenette, and put a cup of coffee on the corner of her desk. She was shoving her keys and some cash into her pants pocket.

"You headed back out?" He asked.

"Mmm," she half-ways said as she drank a mouthful of the luke-warm, stale coffee. "Yeah, got a lunch date. I'll be back in a bit."

Elliot just nodded and slouched into his seat. Before Noah had gotten sick it wasn't uncommon for Liv to disappear for lunch with Will up at NYU on a slow day – or when they were working a particularly bad case and she needed to get out of the office for an hour to get re-grounded. But as he thought about it, he also realized that since her boy had been sick, either her or Will were always with him. If Liv was at work that day, it usually would've meant her son was with Will.

"Where's Noah at today?" He asked casually, hoping that the apparent shift in routine meant something positive for the kid's progress.

She was still digging around her drawer – now picking out some coins buried in the same container as her paperclips, since she'd apparently misplaced her subway card again.

"I don't know. With Will. At the apartment, I assume. Why?"

"Lunch date?" He said.

"Oh," she waved her hand at him. "Do you have some quarters?" He pulled out a small handful of change from his pocket and put it on his desk for her to pick through. "Thanks. Umm, I'm getting together for lunch with Casey. Not work related," she clarified quickly.

"Didn't know you two were that friendly," he said, leaning back in his chair more.

"Fuck," she mumbled. Still not enough change unless she wanted to pay for the subway in nickels. She pulled the cash back out of her pocket – she'd only put in $30, likely barely enough to cover lunch and a drink, let alone breaking it for transit. She sat back down in her chair and unlocked her bottom drawer to dig out her wallet and her credit card to take instead.

"Umm, no we aren't super close," she said. She glanced around the room a bit to see who was there – not really anyone at the moment. She leaned forward a bit. "I'm looking for some legal advice on the cheap," she said a little softer to her partner. "Noah's father showed up at my place the other day. He made some noise about his rights. I just want to get an idea about what some of my options are, if I want to do anything about it."

Elliot hadn't known Moss was back in town. Then again, he never read that far back into the Ledger. The front page was usually enough for him – and the sports section, if there wasn't one of the cases they were working on bleeding and leading the paper. But the fact that the guy made actual contact with his partner made him uncomfortable for her.

As far as he knew the two of them only interacted with each other through lawyers and that the entire situation was messy – mostly because fucking Moss did his best to make it as messy and awkward as he could. He figured there was likely a story in it – maybe one another paper would be interested in? Ledger's golden boy a fucking asshole and dead-beat father in arrears on child support and dodging legal paperwork and petitions every step of the way under the guise of international assignments? Sounded like an OK read to him; likely would've been better, though, if Liv wasn't one of the main characters – or rather, victims.

"I thought you had a lawyer for that kind of stuff already," he said.

She nodded. "Yeah, I just want to get some alternative perspectives."

"What kind of alternate perspectives?"

She gave him a 'tread-lightly' look. "Just looking to chat really right now but I basically want some insight on what would be involved in terminating his parental rights – and the implications of that," she said.

"Wow," Elliot mouthed. Liv just nodded.

"Is this really something that Novak would have any sort of expertise in?" He asked. He didn't think it was. This was family court stuff.

She shrugged. "I guess we'll see. She knows the law. Sure she'll have some thoughts. Anyways. I'm running late. I'll see you in an hour or so." She pointed at him. "Thanks for the quarters."

"You didn't even take any of them," he called after her. "But you can bring me back lunch to pay me back."

"Not a chance," she tossed over her shoulder before disappearing out the door.

**Feedback appreciated.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"That looks fantastic," Olivia commented as the server put the gourmet burger, fresh-cut fries and small serving of mixed greens in front of her.

Casey Novak just nodded her thanks to the waitress, as she got her Asian chicken salad.

She'd been a little surprised that Benson had called her and asked to get together for lunch. They'd never been overly chatty and generally did keep any chit-chat or lunch meetings in the professional realm. But with her working half-time these days with her son sick, Casey hadn't been dealing with her in relation to any of her caseload and had been left with the basic assumption that she probably wouldn't be for some time.

"I'm not sure I've seen anyone quite this excited about a hamburger," she commented at the detective.

Olivia had also suggested they meet up at a trendy little burger bristo not too far from her office. She'd also been surprised at that. Whenever they did get together for a lunch meeting previously – it was usually just in a coffee shop, and if it was something fancier, it generally had a health-conscious slant to it. This place had that TriBeCa look to it, but despite the fancy interior and inflated menu prices, it wasn't much more than pub grub. At least it wasn't too slammed by the lunch-hour crowd and the service seemed to be clipping along at a reasonable pace. They'd be in-and-out of there in a quick turn-around so they could both get back to their work days, which Casey imagined was something they both wanted – keep whatever this was short and sweet.

Olivia just shook her head at the suggestion about the burger, as she squished it down and cut it in half. "Casey, if you saw what meals in my house looked like anymore, you'd be this excited about a burger too."

Casey had to admit that her selection looked much more appetizing than the salad in front of her.

"I've got Noah," she said taking a satisfying bite out of the sandwich, "and then Will is doing the triathlon on the long-weekend. So it's all about calories, calories, calories, right now," Liv said. "High-fat, high-protein, carb loading. Peanut butter and spaghetti and peanut butter and spaghetti and peanut butter and spaghetti.

"You know, before this I bought a jar of peanut butter maybe about once a year. Since Noah being home, I think we've gone through about four jars. It's about all he'll eat. I literally sit him down with the jar and a spoon. Great habit to get him into. And then there's the macaroni and cheese. Now it has to be the macaroni and cheese out of the box – it can't just be elbow pasta and God forbid I try to put the cheese sauce on it for him. You know what he wants on it? Ranch dressing. Plain pasta with ranch dressing. The nutritional value of what we're putting into his system right now is ridiculous.

"And now the other day, they've added prednisone to his treatment, ahead of this next hospital stay, so we've gone from basically having to beg him to put something into his mouth to him wanting to eat, eat, eat. He had me up a 2 a.m. this morning wanting cheese quesadillas. He ate two – with a disgusting amount of salsa and gauc - and then at breakfast he still was hungry, downed three pancakes. Apparently it's just going to get crazier as the drug moves through his system – 'roid rage – but, I guess, at least he'll put some weight back on hopefully."

She stopped talking.

"Sorry," she sighed. "I guess I just kind of puked that out."

Casey gave her a small smile. She'd kind of had sat there in delayed shock at the realness of the information that was so candidly pouring out of the woman sitting across the table from her.

"It's OK," she said. "I'd heard he was doing pretty well."

Olivia nodded. "He's doing OK."

She was still getting used to the fact that it seemed like everyone within her professional community – cops, MEs, lawyers, and because of Will's family, firefighters too – had "heard" something about her situation. It made her uncomfortable. Some times it seemed like she'd earned the label of "that SVU detective with the cancer kid."

She knew she wasn't the only cop dealing with a family situation - far from it. She wasn't even the only cop dealing with a kid with cancer – enough people had come out of the woodwork to offer her some support that she knew that. But there was something about having a pre-schooler with leukemia that just made people want to chatter about it even more – and for EAP, the union and the police beneficiary associations to try to reach out to her and Noah in some way near weekly. On some levels she appreciated it – a lot – but on others she just felt it was an invasion of her privacy, especially when she heard that other people had "heard" something about her son.

But Casey didn't mean it that way, she knew. And, beyond that, it was her who had asked to meet up. So she couldn't hold it against her.

"He's in remission," she allowed, "the residual leukemia cells are slowly decreasing, his counts are holding strong."

"Liv…" she just shook her head sympathetically, she didn't really know what to say.

She shook her head. "No, it's OK. We've got a couple more hospital stays coming up but if all that goes well, we'll be into the management phase. It will be a lot less time at the hospital. Most of his chemo we'll be able to give him orally at that point and we'll only have to go in a few days a month for a drip – and then his appointments. Hopefully it will be easier then. You know, it is what it is. It's all starting to feel more …" normal wasn't the word she wanted to use, "… routine."

She looked down and took another bite of her lunch, forcing herself to pull her mind away from it all for a few seconds, at least. It rarely worked anymore.

"This is good," she said after she swallowed, trying to change the topic. "Guess it should be at seventeen bucks."

Casey gave a small smile. "I'm not sure this is worth the $12," she said, pointing at her meal.

"Yeah, I'm not sure how this place will do," Olivia said, glancing around the half-full establishment that clearly wasn't capturing the attention of the potential lunch clients working in the area. But maybe it was more of an after-work drinks kind of spot.

"Anyways," Casey said. "I assume you didn't want to meet to check out this place's business potential."

She allowed a smile at that. "Yeah, I was hoping to pick your legal mind a bit." She stabbed at her side salad with her fork.

"Oh, yeah? What's up?"

"Well, I guess the background is kind of long and messy so I won't bore you unnecessarily," she sighed. "But I'm basically trying to get an idea of what'd be involved to have Noah's father's rights terminated. It's implications, etcetera."

Casey looked at her and sighed, "Liv, that's not really my area. You'd be better off with a family law attorney."

"No, no," she said and waved her fork a bit. "I know. I've got a lawyer. I'm just looking for some casual advice and perspective. You know the law. I just want a realistic idea of what'd be involved here, from a friend, rather than from someone I'm paying retainer fees to."

Casey thought about it for a couple minutes and worked on her salad.

"I don't know, Liv, having parental rights terminated can be complicated. I mean, you know that, look at the kids you deal with in abusive situations and it's still hard to have the rights cut off. It's part of the reason our foster care situation is so clogged up and dysfunctional.

"It'd probably be even harder for you, since Noah has a stable home and I assume you get child support from his dad? The courts tend to favour the rights of both parents and don't like terminating the rights of one because it has implications for the financial support of the child. Judges like to make sure that, technically, two people are supposedly providing for the kid."

"My understanding was that he'd still be on the hook financially even if his rights are terminated?" She said.

"Hmm, yes and no. Technically he would be but judges aren't big on dissolving the parent's rights when they're still paying for the kid."

"Well, he isn't so great about paying for the kid," Olivia said with more than a touch of annoyance in her voice. "His pay cheque has to be garnished and even that is complicated because of him being overseas so much and how money flows into his account. So he's pretty much constantly in arrears. I really only see any of the money around income tax time."

Casey shook her head. "Unfortunately that doesn't matter."

"What about arguing abandonment?" She asked. Casey raised her eyebrows at that. "Well, he's seen his son two – three," she corrected, "times in five years. I thought abandonment kicked in at six months?"

She sighed again. "Yeah, again, technically, but again when we're talking a stable situation for the child and the father is just a major dead-beat, unfortunately the courts still tend to favour the rights of the parent and see it as being in the best interest of the child for them to, technically, have two parents.

"Really the only situation where the arguments you're presenting would work would be if there was a step-parent and he signed a declaration that he intended to adopt the child and would take on the legal and financial responsibility of raising the child. So, unless you're kind of headed in that direction …"

Olivia shook her head. "Nah, that's not what I'm shooting at right now."

Casey nodded. "Well, I don't know, then. I'd say the odds wouldn't likely be in your favour and you'd probably be looking at some significant legal fees, paperwork and time in court – to basically walk out still at the status-quo."

Olivia sighed, picking at her fries again.

"The status-quo might not be so bad?" Casey offered. "I mean, you manage to get some money out of the dad, even if it's late and forced, and I assume Will's helping with caring for Noah and finances? That's kind of three people supporting Noah – it's not too bad?"

"I just …", she sighed. "I have some suspicions that his father might be thinking about opening up the discussion around custody and visitation. I just don't want to go there. The guy has had nothing to do with Noah. I just don't want him near my kid at this point – especially right now."

"Well, even if he did, that kind of paperwork and process would take a while," Casey tried to provide assurance.

"OK, well then, I don't want him ever near my son again," Olivia said more harshly then she meant to. She shook her head. "Sorry."

"It's OK."

They both ate in silence for a few minutes.

"You know, beyond helping with this situation, if you and Will were talking about it, it could help you in other ways too," she offered. "It'd have implications at tax time at least and you'd likely have access to his health plan to kind of top-up whatever shortfalls you're dealing with there … if some of this is about finances?"

Olivia shook her head. "We aren't talking about it right now. Way, way, way off the radar." Not long ago it had pissed her off that everyone seemed to just assume her and Will were together. Now she almost found it amusing, considering they'd only been experimenting with something that resembled a more traditional relationship for a couple months. "And, it's not really about the financial situation. I just don't want the situation to get more screwed up and confusing for Noah. He's dealing with enough – and his dad has been a jackass long enough. I just want to close that door for all of us – so we can get on with our lives without all this pettiness and wrangling hanging over us until his 18th birthday. I'm just at the point where I want to eliminate as much bullshit from my life as possible."

Casey nodded. "Well, I can think about it a bit more and if I come across something, I can give you a call."

Liv's head bobbed from where she was contemplating her plate again. "Thanks, I'd appreciate that."

**Feedback appreciated.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Elliot," Cragen barked from his office door. "My office – now."

Elliot glanced back at him and stood from his desk. He had a feeling he knew what this was about.

"Close the door," Cragen told him loudly.

He did and crossed his arms tightly, widening his stance.

"Now, I just got off the phone with the editor at the Ledge, alleging that one of my detectives was at the coffee cart outside their paper harassing one of his reporters this morning. Do you want to tell me what the hell that is all about?"

"Captain, the guy is harassing Liv …"

"Elliot, that does not …"

"Oh, com'on Cap, he's fucking loitering outside her building. The guy's an asshole. I just nicely suggested he leave well-enough alone."

"Olivia is a cop," he told his detective sternly. "She knows how to handle that type of situation – if she needs to. This is her personal business. She's perfectly capable of handling it how she sees fit – she has already for what? Five years?"

"Well, maybe she's got other things she needs to be worrying about right now, huh?" Elliot spat back. "This self-centered dick doesn't need to be making it any worse."

"Look, Elliot. I know you want to help her out anyway you can, we all do, but this is not the way. If this gets back to Olivia, you know she's not going to be happy about it. And, you don't want to put another blemish on your record by pursuing this farther. Drop it. Let Olivia handle it."

"Captain …"

"Let Olivia handle it," he jabbed a finger towards him sternly. "I don't want to get another call like that one. Are we clear?"

Elliot just glared at him. "Yes, sir," he said in that tone that made Cragen want to slap him up the side of the head.

"Then get out of here," he went back to shuffling through paperwork on his desk.

**Feedback appreciated.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She could feel him watching her as she folded the laundry but kept her eyes fixed on the television news. She'd put the two baskets of laundry between them, hoping that he'd take the hint and help. So far he hadn't.

She'd had an awful day. Noah had been in an all-out 'roid rage and had been cranky and moody. At the hospital, he'd been uncooperative and downright disrespectful to some of the nurses. Getting back to the apartment hadn't improved his temperament and he spent the day wavering between wanting to cling to her constantly to having foot-stomping tearful tantrums.

It'd reached the point that she'd finally raised her voice at him, scooped him up as he beat against her chest with his fists and deposited him in his room – telling him he wasn't coming up until after he took a nap. It had only resulted in a bigger tantrum. He punched at the door and tossed his toys around the room, screaming about how much he hated her and sobbing so violently that it took everything she had to not go back in. Eventually he'd tired himself out and had fallen asleep anyways. But even after he got back up, he'd been whiney and impatient.

The situation hadn't been helped by Will getting home much later than she'd expected. She'd already feed Noah, cleaned up and put him to bed before he even walked in the door. And now all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and try to muster up enough energy to get up and deal with it all again in the morning. But instead she was stuck trying to finish up the laundry she'd been working on all night and watching the clock tick closer to 11 p.m., knowing that Noah would likely be back up any minute now. And Will just seemed oblivious to it all.

"You sitting there and watching me do this is really starting to piss me off," she finally said without looking at him, and tossing the tshirt she'd just folded into one of the baskets. At least with that he took the hint and scooched over and took a pair of jeans out of the basket to fold.

"I was thinking we should go on a date," he said to her, glancing at her sideways. She just shook her head, clearly annoyed. "You don't like that idea?"

She shot him an aggravated look now. "Will, what do we need to go on a date for?"

He put the jeans in the basket and grabbed a pile of socks to start sorting. "I don't know. We've never been on a date before. I thought it could be nice. We'd get a few hours of alone time."

"This is alone time," she said, motioning around the room. "We're alone."

He looked at her again. He didn't understand the harshness radiating off her that night. He knew he'd been late but he didn't think it was that big of deal – shit happens. She ran late all the time. He didn't get his shorts in a knot about it.

"Liv, this isn't really alone time, com'on. We're both just sitting here waiting for Noah to get up – in what 20 minutes? So I can change his sheets and make grilled cheese and so you can hose him down and change him. So we can then go to sleep for what? Two? Three hours? Before he is up again and wanting something to eat again. This isn't alone time. This is Noah time, cancer time. Whatever you want to call it."

"No one's asking you to be here," she said, still without looking at him.

He glared at her and purposefully threw the balled socks into the basket but didn't respond. He pulled the three towels out of the basket and started to fold them, looking straight ahead.

He knew that, whereas, his way of dealing with all of it had been to train even harder for his triathlon and get in miles every chance he could get, her's was to just bury everything deeper inside. He knew it was her coping mechanism with everything and something she'd learn throughout her whole life – not just Noah's cancer.

He constantly had to remind himself that it wasn't directed at him – but some times he found it difficult to deal with. It made him feel like she was never really going to let him in – that part of her would always believe that the asshole in him was just waiting to come out, that he'd hurt her and Noah and leave them – and that no matter what he did or how much time passed, he would never really prove himself to her.

"When would we even have time to go on a date anyways?" She finally said.

"Well, that's kind of half my point. You aren't making any time for yourself anymore."

Now she glared at him. "When the hell am I supposed to make time for myself? Him, the appointments, work, chores, errands, dealing with the insurance company. There is no time."

"You used to make time. You haven't been to your kickboxing or spinning in months. You haven't even gone out for a run. You should start trying to make some time for yourself at this point, I think. Or at least after we get through his intensification treatment."

"Oh yeah. Let's see – it's 10:30? Good time to go for a jog. Very safe. Thanks."

"Fuck, Olivia. You know I didn't mean for you to go out in the middle of the goddamn night. I'm home by five most nights. You could go before dinner? After dinner? Whatever. You're allowed to take some time for you. You should be taking you time or you're going lose it more than you already are."

"Fuck you," she said.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, fuck me."

"What does this even have to do with going on a fucking date? Is you sitting there with that puppy-dog look and asking for a date some idiotic way of saying you need to get laid? Not happening tonight. I'm tired."

"You're ridiculous," he said, throwing a pile of her underwear into the basket. The folded clothes were starting to look more and more like crumpled balls. They likely would've been accomplishing the same thing if they dumped the unfolded laundry into the other basket. It'd likely be faster too.

"I'm ridiculous?" She glared at him.

"You are being ridiculous," he met her eyes. "What the hell is going on? What's so fucking awful about me expressing an interest and getting to spend some one-on-one time with you? We are suppose to be together or something now."

"We aren't together," she informed him, her eyes now back to looking straight ahead.

She could feel his eyes drilling into her again.

"We aren't together?" His voice was angry. "Well, that's good. I'm glad I'm getting that clarification now. Maybe you could make it a little clearer for me – because I've been wondering – what exactly are we doing here then?"

"I don't know. Playing house," she said, putting a bunched up pair of Noah's pajamas into the basket.

"Playing house?" He shook his head and looked down at the floor. "That's awesome, Olivia. Really great. Thanks."

She had a special talent at making him feel like shit. He knew she didn't mean it. But it still hurt.

He just kept folding the clothes. They hadn't put even a load through yet that week and apparently Liv had spent the afternoon doing laundry. Between their clothes and the nightly task of changing Noah's sheets and pajamas multiple times since he refused to put on Goodnights for them, there were a lot.

He knew she would feel bad about what she'd said. He just needed to give her time. It was her pattern. She'd say something particularly mean, overly harsh or downright bitchy to him and then realize she had and feel badly. She'd then try to make it up to him. She'd been doing it as long as they'd known each other. He felt badly that she put herself through the mental and emotional stress of it each time. He knew she ended up feeling about as crappy about it all as she ended up making him feel, if not more so.

He could see her watching him out of the corner of his eye but avoided the eye contact. Instead he kept looking down at what he was doing - refolding some of the items they'd already put in the basket during their spat.

"Who'd watch Noah?" She finally said softly.

He didn't look at her. "What about Jess? She's watched him before."

She shook her head. "Yeah, before. I don't want some 15-year-old kid babysitting him now."

"I could ask my parents or one of my brothers," he said.

"To come in from Staten Island so we can go out on a date?"

He shrugged. "It wouldn't be a big deal to them. I'll figure something out."

He heard her sigh. "What do you even want to do?"

"Don't worry about that. I'll figure something out. I'm the one asking you out."

"I hope you don't think me agreeing means you're going to get some," she offered as a small joke and an attempt at reconciliation.

He allowed a small smile. "Nah. It's our first date. Three-date rule."

**Feedback is appreciated.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They'd been laying in his bed – not talking, just cuddling for about half an hour at that point.

It had been a nice date.

She'd decided to play along and she was glad she had.

She'd stood in front of her closet contemplating what to wear for longer than she wanted to admit. She'd wanted to look nice for him – something else she wasn't sure she wanted to admit to herself. She'd eventually picked a strappy green dress that she almost felt might be too inappropriately low-cut anymore for someone at her age and stage. She had bought it ages ago and had never had reason to wear. But after she'd put it on, she had decided it would do the job and she'd then dug through the shoes that had been pushed to the back of her closet, behind her work boots and runners. She had found a pair that she thought she could pull off with the outfit. She had had to be careful about what she picked. Will barely had three inches on her and she didn't want to be anywhere near towering over him. Beyond that, even with picking a mid-heel, she wasn't sure she could remember how to ride the subway in them. With that out of the way, she'd then even taken the time to really do her make-up – something she'd basically given up on anymore – and put in some simple, gold hoop earrings and a small locket necklace, that had been "from" Noah via Will the previous Christmas.

Will had made several comments during the night about just how attractive she looked, and although it felt nice to have a man looking at her that way, she was really just happy to not look like a Mommy who'd spent the last several months going through the tumble cycle in the dryer.

He'd taken her to see Harvey. He'd selected the show mostly based on its star and as a joke – she often teased him that their interactions at times made her feel like she was living in an episode of the Big Bang Theory. But it was a revival of a Pulitzer Prize winning play and it had them both laughing throughout, which she thought was about the best medicine they could want.

They had left Noah with Will's oldest brother Rob and his wife. Though Olivia felt a little bad, if not borderline ridiculous, having them come all the way in from Staten Island to babysit, she'd agreed to the arrangement. Karen had been working as a school nurse for nearly 20 years and they'd both managed to raise five kids without killing any of them. She figured that had to count for something. Still, she'd been nervous about it and half-ways expected to get a phone call reporting disaster. But there'd been no messages on the phone when she anxiously checked it at intermission and when she checked again as they were leaving the theatre, there had only been a couple texts from Elliot – one reminding her to bring back paperwork she'd accidentally left with and the other teasing her about how her big date was going. So she finally managed to relax a bit – knowing that Noah was likely long asleep at that point and hopefully he wouldn't be too much trouble with getting up and down until they got home.

Will had surprised her again when he urged her to keep walking with him past the 57th St. – 7th Ave. subway stop. He'd just told her that he'd made a reservation somewhere and refused to let on where. Her mind had been clicking about what was around there that wouldn't be overrun with tourists on a Saturday night in the summer. Even as they got closer to their destination, it hadn't clicked until he held the door open for her that they were going to the Russian Tea Room.

It was somewhere she'd never been before but had always wanted to – just that curiosity about what really was inside the dining room that had become a New York institution. She couldn't remember having ever mentioned anything about it to Will – figuring it was something he'd laugh at and probably tease her about endlessly – but he insisted she had brought it up some time ago. She was actually touched that it was something he'd remembered and thought of for that night.

They'd paid a ridiculous price tag to do a vodka and caviar tasting and had then shared a chocolate micuit that had tasted so good she'd seriously contemplated telling him to pick something else off the menu for himself because she wasn't going to let him have another bite.

For what the bill was, she knew that they should've stayed longer and enjoyed the ornate-ness of the place, along the quietness of the dining room and the attentiveness of the staff. But Will had been being charming with his small talk – they'd agreed to not talk about Noah, cancer or work that night – and his eyes kept dancing at her, like he was so happy and excited to be sitting next to her. She'd leaned over and kissed him. He'd tasted of the vodka and caviar and dessert – so good – and shortly after that, it was her who'd suggested they go back to his apartment. He'd teased her about putting out on their first date but he didn't take much convincing.

She felt a little silly having to walk by her place to get into his. She almost expected that Noah would sense they were there or that Rob and Karen would hear them in the hall and come to the door – and their date would come to a screeching halt. But that hadn't happened and they'd gotten inside his door without incident.

His place had a distinctly unlived-in feel to it anymore and she thought he'd left the air conditioning a little low – it was cold. But she may have just gotten used to having her apartment a little warmer for Noah who seemed to get chilled so easily. Either way, she didn't have much time to think about it. They barely had the door closed before they started kissing and working at getting each other's clothes off.

They'd both needed to stop and remind each other at various points that they had time and privacy and could slow down. They'd been working on making up for lost time in the sex department – at least on the few nights where they didn't completely collapse into bed in utter exhaustion. But with never knowing when Noah was going to be up and needing them – everything had seemed rushed and distracted. And nearly as soon as they finished, they'd be jumping up to get dressed again for fear of him walking in – if they'd even bothered to take off all their clothes, which rarely happened.

It had been nice to slow it down and actually get to enjoy each other and get to know each other's bodies a bit better in something that wasn't a frenzied quickie. She'd almost been surprised at just how good the sex had been when they were both being more attentive to the other's wants and needs.

She would've liked to lay there for the rest of the night – maybe get another round in before morning. His skin felt so soft and warm under her. She'd wrapped her arms around him and had her head resting in the middle of his chest. If it wasn't for his hand still drawing lazy circles on her tailbone, his breathing had become so shallow and his heart rate so slow, she would've thought he was asleep. But it was getting late and they'd put a self-imposed curfew on themselves of 2 a.m.

"We should likely start thinking about heading back next door," she said quietly.

She felt his head move, looking at the clock on the bedside table. It was 1:50 a.m.

"Mmm, we have some time," he said.

"We need to get dressed and to try not to look quite as sexed," she told him.

She knew that they just reeked of sex at the moment. Even if they did get up and put their date outfits back on – both of their hair was a sex-tousled mess and she didn't want to think about what her make-up looked like. They definitely weren't going to look like when they left when they walked back in to the apartment to relieve Rob and Karen. It was going to be obvious that they hadn't spent the whole night out on the town.

Will groaned a bit and shifted to sit up. "What's the point? They're going to know. We're all grown-ups. I'm not putting my suit back on to walk down the hall and just collapse into a different bed."

She smiled as he got out of bed, still buck naked. "Well, you can't go down the hall like that," she told him.

"Whatever, give them something to talk about on the drive home." He shot her a smile. "I'm putting on boxers and a tee."

"And jeans," she told him.

He made a 'meh' sound. "Do you want something or are you going to put your dress back on? Or do you want me to go and get rid of them before you come back over?"

She laughed. "And act like a blushing schoolgirl so embarrassed about my indiscretion that I can't make eye contact with the adults?"

"Something like that," he said, and handed her one of his tshirts and a pair of sweats with a drawstring, but they'd still likely be way too big on her frame.

"Thanks."

She pulled the shirt over her head. She didn't even bother looking for her bra – she thought it might've come off while they were still in the living room. They could deal with cleaning up the trail to the bedroom in the morning.

She watched him for a minute – adjusting himself into his jeans.

"I had a really nice time tonight, Will," she told him, kind of embarrassed – likely because of her initial reaction to his suggestion they even go on a date. "Thank you for inviting me."

He glanced at her as he finished buttoning his fly. "Thank you for coming," he said.

She wasn't sure if he was making a double entendre or not. So she just responded with, "I'm glad I did."

He gave her smile and leaned in to give her a small kiss. "I am too."

"Anyways, come on," he said, "let's go and see if we can get rid of them while keeping out dignity intake and not looking like two teenagers caught in the act."

She got up and pulled the drawstring on the pants as tight as they could go before tying them. She was still going to have to be conscious of the waist – she wasn't sure if it was going to stay up when she started to move.

"Rob won't ever let us live this down will he?"

"Not likely."

She laughed and shook her head. "OK, let's go get this over with."

**Feedback appreciated.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You're quiet today," he commented while working on his bag of chips.

They'd spent the morning canvassing a nieghbourhood where a serial rapist was targeting slightly chubby, brunettes in their early-30s. There'd be three rapes in a five block radius over the past two weeks - all the same M.O. and all being called in before 10 p.m. in the long, bright and humid nights of August – where people kept their windows open longer and hung out on the streets chatting with neighbours as the day started to cool off and grow dark. But still, talking to people in the area, no one claimed to have seen or heard anything. It'd been a long and fruitless day so far.

They were taking a lunch break in the car, windows rolled down trying to create a bit of a cross breeze. Normally they'd chat about the case or vent about family life or the Yankees but she'd just been sitting there eating her sandwich and staring pretty blankly at the pedestrians walking by on the busy street.

She glanced over his way. "Mmm? Oh, sorry. I guess it's just been a busy week."

"Rough one for Noah?" He asked.

"Not too bad. It's just been other things I had to deal with," she sighed a bit. "I had to make a decision about that kindergarten program that I'd got him into. Decided it just didn't make financial sense right now."

"Yeah, no sense paying for it when he won't be there," he commented almost relieved.

"He'll still go to kindergarten – just not that one."

He looked at her. He'd thought last year when she was talking about enrolling the kid in some sort of private school kindergarten she was losing it. Cop salaries don't provide enough to be sending a five-year-old to private school, especially when she was looking at something around the precinct.

He and Kathy had decided to send the twins to private high school after dealing with some drama with his two oldest. It just about bankrupted them. The concept of starting to dig that financial hole when Noah was barely out of diapers had seemed kind of absurd to him. But right now the concept of the kid starting kindergarten at all seemed a little wonky.

"You're going to be sending him to kindergarten?"

"I know," she posed more as a question, picking up on the slight disbelief in his voice. "I'm not sure how I feel about it. But his medical team has really been pushing it – the social worker. They say the kids should try to maintain as much of a normal life as possible and if they are able to go to school, they should go to school. If they can play sports, they should play sports. Just act like a normal kid as much as they can. And, they monitor him so much that they'd be able to tell us if his counts dipped and he needed to be staying home. He gets so tired, though, and just everything else… I don't know. It's hard enough sending your baby off to school – doing it when he has fucking cancer …" she shook her head.

"What's Will think?"

She glanced at him again. "Why's it matter what Will thinks?"

"Because he's around a lot. I assume he has an opinion – that maybe you actually listen to."

She shook her head at him.

"Will is all about routine," she said after taking another bite out of her sandwich. "If he could keep everything the way it was and create the illusion that this isn't even happening, he'd be happy. So Will thinks Noah getting into a 'normal routine'," she made the quotes sarcastically with her fingers, "and going to school is a great idea."

Elliot didn't really know what to say. He'd never dealt with a situation like it.

"I don't know," he said eventually. "I think I'd fall in on your side on this one."

She nodded kind of a silent thanks.

"I guess he has to start some time, though," she admitted. "I mean, this is going to be our life for the next two years, likely more like three. I can't just keep him out of school. He's going to have enough disruptions that will put him behind. Being behind from the get-go? Likely not the best idea. And, the cognitive stuff – some of the drugs can really fuck up that development for the kids. Lots of delays. So it's good to make sure he's learning and having the chance to develop normally."

He looked at her. He hadn't even heard her mention that aspect of all of it before. That just sounded like an extra layer of terror to it all.

"But Noah's a bright kid, you don't have to worry about that?" He asked.

"No, yeah, he's bright and we put a lot of work into …" she motioned with her hands trying to find the right words, "… keeping his mind active, I guess. Reading to him, adding, numbers, playing the constant educator – you know how it is. But you just never really know with this. These drugs kill the cancer but what else are they doing to these kids?"

He shook his head and looked down. "Liv …" Most days he just couldn't even imagine. He didn't want to. He hated that she was having to go through all of this. After wanting children for so long and finally getting to start a family of her own to get dealt this shitty situation – it just didn't make sense to him. It was let another thing that challenged his faith and made him wonder how with everything he'd seen in his work he could say he believed in God.

"Anyways," she said. "I took Noah into the school that's in the district we're in. Got him registered and had a meeting with some of the administrators about his 'special needs'," she used the quotes again and he could tell her really didn't like that label for her son. "I mean, the school's not awful. It's got a B-level rating and it's in our neighbourhood so it should be safe enough. It just didn't seem … like the right place for him while I was in there. And the staff, I don't think they are all that excited about having a cancer kid at the school, especially in kindergarten – it might as well be a walking cesspool. I understand where they're coming from. It's just if they aren't onboard, it's really not the right place for him."

"I think they are obligated to be onboard," Elliot said.

"To a point," she agreed. "But I think we've both seen it enough times - where the system says it will do one thing but it works a very different way. People are just overloaded. Those teachers are only going to do so much when they've got a class full of other kids."

"You'll just have to raise hell," he told her.

"I'll add it to my list. I'm pretty sure it already includes about 28 hours worth of things that need do be done in a 24-hour period. I don't know how you dealt with all of this with five kids."

"Well, one is still a work in progress," he said, "and I have Kathy and thank God we didn't have a child with cancer. You know we think about you and worry about you all the time. If there's anything we can do to help," he offered again. He did it near every time he saw her – not to mention in pretty much all the voicemails he left on her cell, calls that were supposedly made for a work-related purposes. He knew she hated it, and had yet to ask for anything from him. But he wanted to make sure she really knew she wasn't alone in all of this.

"Anyways," she said, putting the packaging of her lunch into the paper bag that everything had been bagged in. She held it out for him to toss his in too. "Bet you wish you'd just gone with the flow and enjoyed a quiet lunch now," she gave him and smile and hopped out of the car to put the bag in a nearby trash can.

"So what do you think?" she asked as she got back in. "We going to go pound the concrete a bit more or get back into the air conditioning?"

"I think we've got enough of nothing for now," he agreed and started the car to head back to the office.


	23. Chapter 23

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Hey Olivia," Will's dad called out to her, waving the iPad at her. "I think this thing is showing he's almost here."

Ted had seemed pretty fascinated with the triathlon app that showed where the runners were on the course using a timer and GPS bracelet that all the athletes had to wear on their ankles. Personally, Olivia had found the whole thing a little creepy – kind of like tracking someone on house arrest or on probation. She'd helped make sure several sex offenders and pedophiles got outfitted with such a device. She wasn't sure how she felt about Will voluntarily putting one on even if it was just for his race. So she'd left Ted and May leaning over the walls of the finishing chute and in charge of monitoring their son's progress. She'd moved off to the side with Noah so he could sit down and play – or better yet, sleep.

It had been a rough few weeks. Noah had spent two of them back in the hospital getting a round of intensification treatment that he needed to have before they could move into maintenance therapy for his leukemia. It had meant he needed to have intrathecal chemotherapy by lumbar puncture.

Noah had done spinal taps before but this time, he ended up seizing. It was terrifying. The seizures only got worse and after the doctors started giving him drugs to prevent them, he'd then been so sick. Though he'd suffered from nausea with his chemotherapy, he hadn't done much vomiting yet. Now he was and more than Olivia had ever seen in her life. She didn't know how that much could even be coming out of his already sick and deprived body. Then when he couldn't puke anymore, he'd dry heave, the acid burning his esophagus, throat, cheeks and gums.

The canters he'd developed looked so painful, she couldn't imagine what they felt like. She did know that he cried and cried and refused to eat. The nurses brought in numbing mouth rinses and popsicles laced with the same washes too, meant to damper the pain. But even with that Noah had refused to eat and after a couple days of him not being able to keep anything of the even little bit they did manage to get into him down, the doctors had insisted that he needed more than a hydration drip – he needed a feeding tube. He had only needed it in for six days – but it had broken her heart to sign the paperwork to allow it to go ahead and to then see her little boy like that.

For the first time during all of it Olivia had really felt like she might lose her son. It had felt devastatingly real – and she'd felt so helpless. The doctors assured her Noah's reaction – though severe - wasn't an abnormal. They said that all his counts where headed in the directions they needed to be going, that they were managing his side effects and providing him with all the care he needed to make him as comfortable as possible. But she still hadn't been prepared for it and felt like she could feel death hovering in the ward in a way she hadn't before.

With the turn in Noah's reaction to the treatment, Will had taken unapproved time off of work, which they were still waiting to see the full ramifications of. It had meant he'd lost the training time as well. Initially it wasn't a consideration – it didn't matter. But as the round of treatment ended and Noah's condition stabilized to the point he was released, the question about if Will would still do his race had arisen. He'd said no.

He said he hadn't been training enough, especially in that crucial last month before the race – and he wasn't going to dedicate time to it now with what Noah had just gone through. His time was better spent at him, he had said. But she had insisted that he not withdraw.

He had registered to race as part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's charity team. Between his colleagues and summer students and others around the university who had heard about his effort, her putting up the donation form in a couple high traffic areas at work and his family distributing it around their neighbourhood and the NYFD community – as well as the kind sponsorship from some of Noah's medical team – he'd raised just shy of $10,000.

Though she knew that the money would flow to the organization even if he didn't run the race, she felt badly for him. He'd put a lot of time and effort into preparing himself for it and he deserved do it. She convinced him it didn't matter if he hadn't had a prefect training schedule and if he didn't end up running his ideal race. She told him that it mattered to her and to Noah that he did it; that he was setting an example for her son.

He'd reluctantly agreed and had spent the past 11 days trying to get back up to speed, while also giving his body rest days.

He'd been nervous anyways and that had only increased the last couple days as he needed to attend a team meeting, a race briefing, collect his race pack – including his bike number, swim cap and arm tattoos, go on a compulsory transition zone practice run and drop off his bike.

She wasn't sure he slept at all last night. Beyond the race nerves, he'd been anxious that he'd sleep through the alarm. He had to be at the staging area by 4:30 a.m., even though his age group's wave wasn't slated to hit the water until 7:05 a.m. It meant he was rolling out of bed at about 3 a.m.

They'd decided ahead of time that her and Noah wouldn't go over with him or watch his start. It was just too early. She'd felt badly about it but he'd agreed that Noah needed his rest. It hadn't worked out that way, though.

The alarm going off and him moving around the bedroom had woke her up and she'd got out of bed and gone into the living area to see him off. Them both being up had been enough to wake Noah. After Will had left she had managed to coax him back to sleep – cuddling with him on the couch. But she wasn't really sure she'd gotten much more shut-eye herself. Now it was her that was worrying about not being up in time. She had wanted them to be at the viewing area for when he got out of the Hudson from his swim.

She'd been surprised when they arrived how many people had come out to cheer on their tri-athlete. Being a little bit pushy, she'd managed to get her and Noah into a spot where they could see the swimmers getting out of the water and wave their "Go, Will, go" and "Outrunning cancer" signs at him. It had been hard to spot Will initially when he came out of the water – everyone was in their wetsuits and swim caps. Thankfully the caps were colour-coded and numbered and she was able to spot him for Noah before he'd gone right by.

"There he is," she pointed for Noah and lifted him up under both of his arms so he could see a bit better.

"Go Will," Noah had called and then realizing that he likely wouldn't have heard and everyone else was cheering and ringing cowbells and other noise-makers around him, he'd taken it upon himself to start screaming louder and louder.

Something must've clicked amongst the noise for Will, because just before he'd gotten by the viewing area on the way to get his bike, he'd seemed to have seen them and lifted his one hand in a small wave.

Olivia had decided the excitement of watching that stage of the race was enough for Noah for the moment and didn't battle the crowds to find somewhere along the start and end zone of the cycle leg to catch a glimpse of him again. Instead, she'd taken her son by the hand and started the walk from Riverside Park over to Central Park. The path was slowed down by the mobs of people doing the same thing – as well as traffic cops halting both cars and pedestrians to make way for the racers.

Noah seemed OK with it all. He watched all the activity with wide eyes and asked her questions or pointed out different spectators outfits and signs, asking her to tell him what they said and declaring that their's were better.

He'd been holding his own since they got out of the hospital. She'd been pleasantly surprised. He was sleeping even more than usual and some of the sores in his mouth were still apparent but he'd been relatively happy and co-operative. He was definitely her little boy again and not that pale and frail baby that she'd been so scared even looking at during those bad days just a couple weeks ago.

They were in a rest period now – giving his body time to recover from what had been inflicted on it. She doubted he would have bounced back much by the time they moved into the maintenance therapy – but she was just happy to have a few weeks where chemo wasn't on the agenda.

They'd stopped for breakfast at a dinner and after soaking a pancake down in far too much syrup, she'd coaxed him into eating. He'd mostly just sat and speculated on when Nana May and Popa Ted would show up and how many people Will was going to beat in the race. Noah figured about 100. Olivia didn't think that was setting his standards very high and Will would actually probably be disappointed if he finished with just 100 people left behind him. He had been hoping to come in with the middle of the pack of the 3,000 contenders. But she didn't bother correcting her son.

By the time they'd made it to the West Gates entrance to Central Park some of the runners had already started passing through. They wandered around, her eventually having to carry Noah on her hip as he became frustrated with the number of people. She found a reasonable place for them to stand a little bit down from where the majority of the spectators where. She figured they'd still be able to get an OK view from there – and as the next group of runners entered the park, she knew she was right.

Their timing wasn't quite as good as it had been with the swim and it seemed they had to wait a long time for Will. Noah had started to get restless and a little fussy. She'd checked the time and realized he was likely at a slower pace than he had wanted to be. As more and more people went by, she pulled out her phone to check his tracking bracelet, wondering if he'd had a problem with his bike or an injury. But it showed he was still moving. He'd completed his bike ride – but just minutes before – and it showed him as still about a mile from arriving at the park. She'd showed Noah the map and pointed to the flashing dot that was Will. He seemed interested so she'd dug the iPad out of the backpack for him instead but that lead to him being more interested in other things he could do on it. At least it made the time go by a little faster – but also meant that they'd almost missed Will.

Noah called out "Go, Will, go" again as he went by but he didn't seem to notice this time. He looked like he was in the zone but Olivia also noticed he seemed to be favouring his left leg slightly. She hoped it wasn't too bad or completing the run was likely going to be an ordeal for him.

"Will Will get fast to the end?" Noah had asked as they wandered across the park to the finishing and festival area. Finding it wasn't hard – the music in the festival zone was cranked at almost obnoxious levels considering it was still not even 10 a.m. on a Sunday.

"It will take him a while, sweets, he needs to run 10 kilometres," she told him.

"That's far," Noah said in awe.

"Really far. It will probably take him about an hour."

"He's taking really long," Noah said. "Maybe he won't beat as many people."

"Well, it's not about how many people he beats, Noah. It's a pretty big accomplishment for Will to just finish it. Do you know how many kilometers he will have raced?"

"100?" Noah suggested, apparently his favourite number of the day.

"Almost 52 – that's more than half of one hundred," she told him.

"More than half of one hundred?" Noah said excitedly.

"Yep. He will have swam almost two kilometers and ridden his bike 40 and now he is going to run 10 kilometres in the park. Pretty amazing, right?"

Noah nodded.

"Maybe I can next time too," Noah suggested, "with Will. I like swimming too."

"I know you do," she took his hand again. "I think Will would like it a lot if you wanted to practice with him but I think you'll have to wait until you're a grown-up before you can race. I haven't seen any kids racing, have you?"

He shook his head.

"Yeah, I think this race is for grown ups."

His parents had found them surprisingly quickly after they got into the spectator zone near the finishing chute. It always surprised her that they had that ability – they never called her or Will's cell to ask where they were or to set up a meeting spot. They always just kind of appeared.

Though, she appreciated them showing support for their son – and she supposed, indirectly her and Noah – she had gotten the impression that the real reason they were coming out to the end of the race was to give them a drive to their Labour Day barbeque that they hadn't been able to talk their way out of. Both she and Will had expressed that it was likely best to keep Noah away from social situations right now and that Will would likely be pretty tired from his race. But they wouldn't hear any of it. It didn't help that a bunch of the people who were running in the First Responders category of the triathlon were apparently going to be there.

Olivia had let Noah fill them in on what they'd seen of Will so far in the race. When Noah had started to fuss, she'd found a place to sit and hold him on her lap, rocking him a bit and hoping he might go to sleep. He'd drowsed for about 20 minutes before crawling off of her and digging his Batman and Spiderman figures out of the backpack. She'd been sitting on the ground with him since, taking on the role of Batman, though Noah was doing his best to tell her exactly what she should and shouldn't be doing.

As Ted waved her over, she looked at the time on her phone. He'd been out on the course about three hours and 22 minutes now. She knew he was going to be a little disappointed, he had wanted to finish in about two hours, fifty. But she figured there was a good chance he was nearing the finish line at that point.

She took Noah's toys and stuck them back in the backpack, brushing off his hands and squeezing some hand sanitizer into them, and clapping them together for him to make him rub it in.

"Com'on, let's go see, if he's coming," she said. He held up his arms to be picked up and she put the bag on her back and perched him back to her hip. He didn't weigh enough, she thought.

She managed to wedge herself into where Will's parents were standing – mostly because Ted about pushed people out of the way to make room for her and Noah. She wasn't all that impressed with his approach, but she was happy to get up to the front so they could see the end of the race.

"That's him," Ted put his giant finger on the screen, accidentally making it zoom in. It showed Will as still about a kilometer away – but he could push through that in a matter of minutes, she knew.

"Is Will coming?" Noah asked.

She kissed his cheek. "Yep. He's almost here. You better start watching for him and get ready to cheer really loud."

It took about three minutes but then she thought she could see him coming up behind two other runners.

"I think that's him," she pointed down the path.

May was looking too and just said, "No, I don't think so."

Olivia looked harder. She was pretty sure it was him but didn't want to argue about it – she was too tired herself and she wasn't even the one running a triathlon.

But then Noah squirmed against her, pushing himself up higher and nearly kicking her in places she'd prefer not to be kicked. "I see him, too. I see Will, Mommy."

She held him a bit tighter and smiled. "Get ready to cheer."

May was still looking and then kind of clicked. "Holy Jesus, Mary and Joseph," Liv heard her say and glanced back at her. "Olivia, what happened to my son's hair?"

Oh, she thought, I guess we didn't include that little tidbit into the summary of the day's events. Though, it wasn't that day's events – it was the night before.

A lot of the Leukemia and Lymphoma racers had decided to shave their heads for the race or leading into it as part of their fundraising efforts. Will had been talking about doing it for a while – originally when Noah's hair had started falling out. But Noah hadn't seemed overly upset by it when it had happened, so amidst everything else it had just become an after-thought for Will. That is until the team meeting the other day.

Will had arrived back home from it not just with his race pack but with a box of wildly bright red hair die – his wave's colour – and had declared they were going to dye his hair for the race and then he was going to shave it off after he finished it. She thought he was being slightly crazy but didn't say anything – besides Noah was very excited about the idea.

So they'd dyed his hair last night. It looked ridiculous – like he was some sort of crazed fan going to a football game. He'd hardly let it dry before he and Noah had hatched the plan that it would look even better as a mohawk. She had actually thought that might help with the situation until he handed Noah the shaver to do the honours. Noah was beyond thrilled. But the resulting faux-hawk looked more like clumps of hair all over his head – accompanied by a variety of bald spots and a scalp that still looked a little stained.

He definitely wasn't at his sexiest – but, again, Noah was over the moon about it and it was making Will smile and stop the pacing and biting on his nails that he'd been doing since Noah had taken his turn in the hospital. So she had already just accepted it as a bonding moment and had done her best to enjoy it with her boys, as she'd slowly been allowing herself to think of them both.

"I gave Will a mohawk Nana May," Noah told her, beaming with pride.

"Hmm," she'd said, looking between her approaching son and Olivia. "What colour is it? It looks …"

"Red," Noah declared even happier. "It's really cool."

"Hmm," she said again.

"My son never did … things … with his hair in high school and now as a grown man he's doing this?" Ted shook his head.

"It's a race thing," Olivia said, thinking that his parents were being more sticks in the mud than she'd even been last night.

"Doesn't he have all his classes starting again in a few days?" May said again, her hand at her mouth.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure Will will be getting another hair cut before the fall semester," she assured his mother.

"I can do it for him," Noah offered.

Olivia tried not to laugh, recognizing that his parents really didn't see the humour in the situation or its value. But it was too hard. The whole thing was ridiculous, that's what made it so good.

Her laughing just drew more mystified looks from May. She was clearly starting to think that Olivia and Will had really and truly lost it to the stress.

"Here he comes," Olivia whispered into Noah's ear. "Let's cheer really, really loud."

They both did and Will came across the finish line. He did a little, dramatic jump over the actual line and a muscle man pose, purposefully entertaining Noah, who was still screaming for him and kicking at his mother.

Will jogged over slowly – it was little more than a limping walk, he'd clearly injured himself. He nodded and smiled to his parents. His dad offered a "Good job, son," but he had his attention focused on Olivia and Noah.

He leaned over and gave her a kiss. He was all sweaty, but she accepted it, rubbing her one hand through what was left of the hair on the back of his head – not much. She was feeling stupidly proud of him. It actually was kind of making her want to get him into the bedroom. He gave Noah a peck on the temple when he was done kissing his mother.

"You beat a bunch of people," Noah told him, "like a hundred."

"A hundred?" Will said in mock disbelief. "Wow. I went faster then I thought."

He smiled at Liv.

"You did it," she told him, putting her one hand on his chest.

"Fuuuck," he moaned softly. She shh'ed his mouth with her hand. "I was really off pace."

"What'd you do to your leg?" She asked.

He groaned again. "I'll tell you after," he kissed her again. "I need to get to the end of the chute and through the medics before these volunteers loose their poop."

He went to lift Noah off her hip. "What you say there, bud? Want to finish running the chute with me?"

Noah nodded excitedly and Olivia let go, as Will drew the boy towards him and then put him on the ground and took his hand.

"We'll meet you down there," he told her and his parents, who'd been watching at little more closely and intently than Olivia would've liked.

She waved to Noah as they started another slow jog down the 100 metres or so to the debrief area. The athletes weren't supposed to have fans in the chute or the debrief area – but she figured Will was getting off the hook since he had on a charity jersey and Noah was just a little kid.

She'd started walk down to the reunion area with his parents – keeping her eyes to her right to watch Will and Noah. His parents were still quizzing her about how she'd allowed a grown man to do something that shocking to his hair. She'd had to remind him that they'd hit it on the head when they said Will was a grown man – and SHE didn't allow him to do anything, he made his own decisions. She'd also again assured them that Will fully intended to go into his lectures next week looking like a professional and wouldn't be setting some sort of "punk rock", as they kept on referring to it, standard for his 17- and 18-year-old freshman.

They'd eventually let the topic drop a bit – as she continued to not make eye contact, watching her boys in the debrief area. They moved on to telling her about all their preparations for the barbeque and what and who to expect when they got back across to the Island. But she wasn't really listening to that either.

Will had been greeted by a volunteer when he got into the debrief area and she'd seen him pick up Noah again and still keep moving around. They'd taken him over to a table and given him a bottle of some sort of hydrating beverage. She'd seen him chug it quickly to the point it looked like there was only about a third left. He was handed another bottle, that he took with him, as he was directed over to where some medics were dealing with finishers. She could see them chatting – and saw them take his blood pressure and heart rate, as well as listen to his chest. He was still holding Noah on his hip and the boy was clinging to his neck. Will was sometimes turning towards Noah and making some sort of comment. Her son would smile and a couple times rested his head on Will's shoulder or buried it in the crock of his neck.

As he finished up with the medics, she saw him point to his leg and after some more chatting and pointing, he'd ended up limping over to what looked like a medical tent and they both disappeared inside for several minutes. When he came out, it looked like he had a tension bandage down on his ankle and like he had added a bag of ice to the collection of items he was trying to hold in his one free hand.

Another volunteer directed him over to a photo area, where she saw him bend over a table and sign some papers and then the official there put a medal over his neck. Will had picked it up off his chest and shown it to Noah. The boy had taken it in his hands to look at and had said something that made Will smile and laugh. She really wished she was over there with them.

The official had pointed over to a small line up of racers waiting to go through a line to have a photo taken in front of the race banner with their medal. Will had put Noah down when it was his turn but then must've asked to take one with her son as well, because Noah had galloped over to him again and been hoisted up. Something else must've been said, because she could see Will pointing and then saw his mouth move in want looked like "Liv" and he motioned with his hand for her to come over. She pointed at herself and mouthed "Me?" He nodded and motioned some more, making a "Quicker, quicker" type gesture now. She trotted over.

"What?" She put up her hands in a questioning shrug.

"Com'on," he said. "Hurry up. Take a picture with us. We're holding up the line."

She smiled and looked at the ground a little embarrassed that he was drawing attention to all of them. But headed over.

A volunteer was standing near the little entrance to the sectioned off area. She held out her phone to the kid, flicking it to the camera. "Could you take one on here for me too?" she'd asked.

"Sure," the kid had said, and she'd gone over, standing on the opposite side of Noah so he was scrunched between them. Noah held up Will's medal for her to see too.

"Look, Mommy, it's a big subway token," he told her.

She put her hand out and touched it too and smiled, meeting Will's eyes. "It is."

"Can I get the three of you looking this way?" The official photographer said, starting to sound a little annoyed. "OK, in three, two, one …" The flash went off and he waved for them to get out so the next finisher could come in.

Liv walked back to where the teen was standing and he handed her phone back to her.

"Thanks," she said, and flipped into the album to make sure he'd got one OK.

Initially she just glanced at it. It looked like he'd taken a few just to be sure. But something about them made her click onto one of the thumbnails to take a closer look.

She stared at it for several seconds. It wasn't something she was used to seeing and for a moment it had taken her off guard.

The three of them were looking more at each other than the camera and they were smiling. Not just smiling – but literally glowing. Despite Noah's bald head and pale skin and Will's God awful hairdo – they looked so normal and so happy. They looked like what she'd kind of always thought just a regular family should.


	24. Chapter 24

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She rapped on the bathroom door softly with her knuckles and then pushed it open without waiting for a response. As soon as she opened the door, she could feel how hot he had the water – the steam from the room hit her instantly in a cloud of humidity. The bathroom fan was doing little to cut through it. He hadn't even been in there five minutes and the mirror was already fogged up and condensation was dripping down the counter top, toilet tank and walls.

Will stuck his head out of the shower as she came in but then disappeared back behind the curtain.

"What's up?" He asked. "Did you get Noah down OK?"

She pulled her shirt over her head and unhooked her bra.

"Yeah, he was out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow," she said, reaching down and shucking off her socks and then undoing her pants and shimming them on to the floor too.

"You going to try to get a few too?" He asked, still behind the curtain.

"Likely, in a bit," she said. She pulled open the curtain and stepped in behind him. She touched his back, feeling him tense a bit, and kissed where his shoulder curved into his neck. "Relax," she told him.

"Liv, we shouldn't," he said quietly. "We're in my parents' house."

"Does your mom still come and get you out of the bath?" She teased him, as she kissed across the top of his shoulders and then rubbed into them with her hands. He leaned into the massage. She could feel the tension and knots there.

She knew he got frustrated with how his family interacted with him. They treated him like the baby, even as a grown man, acted like he had to be handled with kid gloves since he lost his wife - like he was too fragile to be able to normally function in the world. She knew Will – and she some times couldn't understand how his family saw him that way, because it was about as far from the truth about the man she knew.

His mother was often the worst of the bunch. She took overbearing to a whole new level. Olivia knew she was well-meaning but May even drove her a little crazy in her very limited interactions with the woman. It was about as diatonically opposite of the problems she had with her own mother. Sometimes it boggled her mind how different her and Will's experiences growing up and in family life had been.

She'd realized early on that part of the reason they got along so well was because they were so damaged in their own ways – likely more so than either of them wanted to admit. It was that unstated recognition of each other's darkness and pain that had kind of drawn them together and seen them get along, despite them having little in common in terms of interests. Though, as they spent more time together, she had realized they did share more in common than she might've initially expected. They were good at challenging each other in conversation, even though it their opinions on most things rarely jived exactly. But they both loved reading and shared similar tastes in music. Though, their definition of quality movie or television viewing was vastly different, they did share a sense of humour, so it made putting up with each other's preferences a little bit easier.

"They think we're all laying down for a nap," she told him. "And, I'm pretty sure they're out in the backyard setting stuff up. Besides, we aren't doing anything anyways," she said.

She'd noticed that he hadn't looked at her at all yet and had been doing his best to avoid skin-to-skin contact, moving away a bit whenever she pressed against his back. But even from where she was she could see it wasn't really working that well for him.

"We aren't, eh?" He glanced back at her just a bit.

She rubbed down his biceps and put a few more kisses on the top of his shoulder blades.

"You're tired and you're injured. Shower sex would be just asking for someone to get hurt," she teased him. "Maybe counter sex when we're done in here."

She felt him silently laugh a little against her. "Then we'd just end up having to get back in here. Vicious cycle."

"Hmm, you're right," she agreed. "Well we definitely don't have time for that. Counter sex is off the table too. Just no bathroom sex, in general. Maybe you'll get some tonight instead."

She felt him laugh a little again and he let her press into his back a bit more. She wrapped her arms around his chest and leaned her cheek against his shoulder.

"I'm really proud of you," she told him. "And Noah thinks you're about the coolest thing ever. Possibly cooler than Batman."

"Not cooler than Han Solo?" He joked.

"Is anyone cooler than Han Solo?" Three years ago she would've barely known who Han Solo was, she thought.

"Yeah, good point."

They stood enjoying the water for a few minutes, his hands gripping hers where they where encircled around him. He leaned back and gave her and awkwardly angled kiss. She kissed at his jawbone and ear, in return.

"Have you just been standing here in the sauna or did you wash off yet?" She finally asked.

"Just enjoying the water," he said.

"Mmm," she mumbled against his neck. "It does feel nice. Here," she stuck out her hand for the shower scrub. "I'll do it for you."

He handed it to her and then leaned forward and picked up the Irish Spring body wash to give to her. He could feel her eyes laughing at it without even seeing them.

"I know," he said, "my family is really high class. I'm going to smell like my brothers."

"I was going to say like a firefighter," she said, squeezing the wash onto the scrub – it definitely had a powerful scent - and handing it back to him.

"I suppose that's debatably better."

"Some women find firefighters very attractive," she told him, starting to wash it back for him.

"But you aren't one of them," he said.

She smiled. "You know I'm all about university math professors."

"Yeah, the new sexy."

"Exactly."

She again looked at the ink he had on his back, as she washed him. She often went between finding it rather attractive to thinking it was a strange form of self-mutilation and self-punishment. It was like it was something he'd adopted to again differentiate himself from his family while almost silently screaming, 'I'm not as geeky as you think – there's more to me.'

She wasn't sure his family realized just how many tattoos he had. They couldn't say much about them even if they did. They all had tattoos – but they were what you'd expect to see on firefighters; marks denoting their ladder, showing off the NYFD shield and memorializing their fallen colleagues from 9/11. She actually thought Will's body art might've actually normalized him more in the eyes of his father and brothers, until they realized how abstract they were.

She thought Will's interest in adding the markings to his body border-lined on an unhealthy compulsion for him. But she also felt that their abstraction was part of their beauty. She'd had to ask him about the meaning of many of them. They were so based in math and the sciences, they weren't easily distinguishable to the average gawker.

He'd told her that the series of ones and zeros that creep along his one side, across his ribs – a painful place to get a tattoo – was binary code, saying "September 11th, 2001: Never forget." On the opposite rib cage was stylized text of the Serenity Prayer, a juxtaposition against the pain he felt from his loss on that day and a favourite of his dead wife. A large one ran parallel to his spine. It was a navigational equation that was used by sailors. "Follow the stars home," he'd told her. A quirkier one wrapped around his one shoulder – some type of rendering of a Rubik's cube and scrawling numbers, lines and equations that apparently showed how to solve it. It was one of the only ones he had that had colour in it.

He hadn't been able to confine his habit to his back, even though it still had ample space for him to continue. So he also had encircling his one bicep a series of equations, Netwon's law of motion, he said: "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." There were more – his other arm, his one hip. But her favourite for many reasons was the one down his left calf – another equation, this time from physics, depicting power. She liked the subtleness of it but its message of positioning. She thought it suited him very well.

He'd been talking about getting more, wanting to move the messaging down into his forearms or across his chest. He'd suggested some quotes he might like to get. He'd called them reminders, which she knew he meant for dealing with Noah and how he was handling that emotionally. One he'd bounced off her was, "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end."

She wasn't sure how she felt about it. She recognized that the ink on his body was deeply personal to him and their chats about it had made rather clear that he'd gotten each one while he was working through various things in his life – beginning when he was just 18 with the Rubik's cube and having escaped his suffocating family life for the first time. It had only spawned from there.

In a way she was touched that Noah's illness was such a milestone in his life that he was seeing it as another moment he wanted to mark permanently on his body. But in other ways, it deeply concerned her – that he was experiencing it all so deeply and that what basically amounted to low-level self-mutilation was one of his tried-and-true coping mechanisms. Even when she was able to get beyond all that though, she wasn't sure how she felt about it. She wasn't sure she liked the idea of him covering himself in more tattoos, especially across his chest. But she reminded herself that it was his body and his decision.

"Turn around," she told him, as she finished washing down his back and arms.

He did. She glanced down but focused her attention on soaping up his chest for him. He leaned in and gave her a kiss on the temple. When she looked up from what she was doing to give him a small smile, he captured her lips.

She wasn't entirely sure how long they'd spent just deeply kissing. But the water was starting to get cold. She reluctantly broke the kiss and rested her cheek against his.

"You going to be OK?" She nodded a bit to between them. She'd been touching him but not with that explicit purpose – and he'd mostly just kept his hands on her hips, holding her firmly against him, while occasionally running them up her back to cup her head a bit.

She heard him sigh a little but he said, "Yeah."

When they'd started wading into normal-people relationship waters, she'd been upfront with him rather quickly about her experience of assault and near rape while working undercover in a women's prison. She wanted to get it out of the way and off her chest and just be honest with him. It was clear to him what was and wasn't on the table in terms of where their sexual relationship could go and what she'd be willing and unwilling to even consider doing for him. He more than understood – in fact, he was rather shocked and horrified that that had happened to her and that she hadn't told him in some capacity before that, as her friend.

But at that point, he was actually starting to get more worried about how long they'd been in there. He was sure that the shower still running had likely attracted attention and he didn't want them to end up in an embarrassing situation or yet again endure the teasing of one, or both, of his brothers – or the horrified and morally-judgmental looks from his mother.

"I'll make it up to you tonight," she said, and felt him nod against her cheek. She gave him another small kiss and got out, wrapping a towel around herself to go back to the bedroom that May had let her lay Noah down in. It was Will's from growing up, though they had renovated and refurnished it and it mostly just looked like a guest room now. Though, she thought some of their decorating choices were questionable – but that was true of their whole house.

She was dressed back in her jeans and Henley, her hair looking like she'd done her best to towel it dry. She was laying on her side watching Noah sleep when he came back in several minutes later, just dressed in his briefs. But he'd clearly dealt with his situation. She gave him a small smile and he lay on his back on the opposite side of the sleeping boy. He looked at him sideways for a while too and then ran his one hand along the top of the boy's head before he reached it out and rested it on her arm.

"Are you going to try to sleep for a while?" He asked.

"I'm going to at least close my eyes until he starts stirring."

"Yeah, me too. If I don't get up, though, you'll wake me? So we can go down and make our appearances?" He really just wanted to get home. He was tired and sore. Socializing with his family and their friends wasn't high up on his list of priorities.

She just nodded at him.

"OK," he said and closed his eyes, listening to both of them breath and trying to relax his aching muscles into a sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was nursing a beer and chatting with some other cops that had shown up to the McTeague's end of summer extravaganza.

Her and Will had been reluctant to even attend. Will hated going to any of his big family events, which seemed to happy all to regularly. But this time it reached the point that his parents had had to come into the city and basically drag them out to Staten Island.

Even after all three of them taking a nap, Will had complained about having to head back downstairs. He plotted a plan to use Noah has a bail-out so they could leave within an hour of putting an appearance. But after they'd managed to drag themselves into the backyard and people began to arrive, they'd all settled into it and seemed to be enjoying themselves – or at least she was. The sun was out, though the start of that autumn chill was lingering in the air. The atmosphere was nice and people were smiling and chatty.

More than two hours had passed since they'd come out the back door to make their appearance so they could then head home – but Will hadn't yet indicated to her that he was ready to throw in the towel and get the hell out of there. In fact, he'd wandered across the yard with Noah to supervise him playing with a group of other kids who were scribbling with sidewalk chalks on the patio, kicking soccer balls around and running around creating general chaos with water guns. He seemed to have got involved in a conversation with some of the other parents who were making sure there wasn't too much roughhousing going on.

She could see that he was smiling and even occasionally laughing. Every once and a while people were walking up to him and patting him on the shoulder or shaking his hand to offer him congratulations on his race. She knew he was enjoying the attention that he often felt he didn't get from his family or his community. At one point, he'd also come back over to her and showed her a cheque. Some people were still giving him donations for his racing charity and he was pretty ecstatic about that.

So with her two boys apparently happy and preoccupied, she'd allowed herself to wander over to come of the cops she half-ways knew – at least knew of – and had been chatting. It all seemed very normal and casual – not something she was entirely used to, especially anymore – and, she was liking it.

"Benson," Tom had hollered at her from where he was standing on the elevated porch, manning the barbeque in that yard.

Olivia hadn't had as much interaction with Tom as she had Will's other brother, Rob, but she tended to find him a little obnoxious. They'd known it other for almost three years at that point and she didn't think he'd ever called her by her first name. It rubbed her the wrong way.

Her and Will had gotten together with Tom's family a bit more regularly than they had with Rob and Karen, because his kids were closer in age to Noah. But on those outings, it was usually his wife, Becky, that ended up hanging out with them alone manning their three extremely high-energy kids. Though she felt bad for Becky when that happened, Olivia was often more annoyed when Tom was around when they had the kids out somewhere.

Tom would just holler at his kids constantly. It just wasn't how she raised her son or how she would ever talk to him. And, she really didn't think it was effective. The more he screamed at them, the less they seemed to hear and/or the worse and more attention seeking their behaviour became.

She figured that watching Tom's parenting abilities and his there-but-absentee fatherly role was a pretty good glimpse at what it had been like for Will growing up. Will got along with his dad well enough but never had much to say about him, especially in terms of what it was like growing up with him as a father. Her interactions with Ted and watching how he talked to Will now as an adult was enough to tell her that he was gruff and that Will still was slightly intimidated by him, even though he was now pushing 70.

She was grateful that Will wasn't like that with her son. He was always extremely soft spoken and even-toned with Noah. She knew he likely followed her lead when it came to disciplining and controling Noah but she appreciated that as well. Getting Noah to listen or change his behaviour was more directed at physically stopping the behaviour, using it as an eye-to-eye contact educational moment and having him repeat to them what he'd just been told. There wasn't yelling and screaming involved. If he still didn't listen, she was a big fan of timeouts and mini-groundings – not screaming louder. She supposed she didn't have three kids to wrangle. But she also knew she wouldn't tolerate the kind of behaviour she saw in Tom's kids in her son. Though, Noah was extremely far from perfect and he his share of tantrums, talk-backs and general misbehaving, he also wasn't a bad kid and would generally rectify his behaviour after he was told it was unacceptable or he had to experience some sort of consequence for his actions.

She had a feeling, though, Tom thought she was about as crappy of parent as she thought his shortfalls were. He had a bit of that macho streak to him and didn't seem to much believe in women in law enforcement, especially when she had a child at home – and, was a single mother. She some times got a bit of the impression that he might feel that she was using his younger brother. Becky nor any of the rest of the family made her feel that way. It was just certain things Tom said or the way he'd look at her.

"We got some of yours," he bellowed again, motioning to a group coming out the sliding patio door.

She smiled. She really hadn't expected Elliot to come when she'd mentioned to him that Will's parents would be having the barbeque and he was welcome to stop by. It had actually almost been mentioned in passing. But there he was with Kathy and Eli trailing behind him. He looked a little confused, like he thought he might be in the wrong place, and he'd clearly been asking around looking for her.

She excused herself from the conversation she was having and walked up the steps.

"Hey," she smiled. "You came."

He was looking across the backyards still. "When you said come to a barbeque, this wasn't exactly what I was envisioning," he said.

She glanced around the yard again. It had filled up. She estimated that there were likely about 200 people there right now – but people had been coming and going all afternoon. Will had told her that they'd continue to rotate through until after dinner and even then it would take until well into the evening before they managed to clear the place out.

His parents and brothers had their houses all in a row. Olivia couldn't imagine ever wanting that kind of proximity to people she was related to. But she also didn't have family. Will, however, clearly felt the same way as her about the matter and had spent his adult life escaping. Though it seemed like an odd arrangement to her – beyond having help to raise the kids – it did make for a great party space.

They'd rigged up the fencing between their yards so the side fences were like gates that opened. It meant that the party was now spanning three yards with people mingling everywhere – backyards, between the houses, out front.

"Yeah, it's a little crazy isn't it," she agreed.

"You want to see crazy, you'll finally come out to our Christmas Eve open house," Tom commented from where he was still flipping burgers. She didn't say anything but she was definitely trying to put off taking part in their Christmas festivities as long as possible. She'd been invited before and had thus far always had excuses. Those few days around Christmas, and the lead up to them, just about gave Will an anxiety attack every year. She didn't feel the need to take on more anymore of that stress. In fact, she'd done her best to try to convince Will in previous years that getting so worked up about it wasn't healthy. He'd insisted that she just didn't understand.

"So this is all firefighters?" Elliot still seemed dumbfounded by it.

"Umm, no. Firefighters, cops, EMS, their neighbours."

"The whole of Staten Island," he said somewhat sarcastically. "I'd hate to see what happens if a call comes in."

"Mass exodus," she said.

People had actually been getting called in to various emergencies and whatnot all afternoon – dealing with the busy long-weekend before people officially accepted that it was the end of summer and settled back into work routines and getting their kids to school. There'd been several points where she'd seen multiple people checking their phones at nearly the same time and then excusing themselves and rushing off. She'd periodically heard little dashboard sirens flick on out front as people tried to maneuver their vehicles around the gridlock and get on their way. Rather than there be music at this party, there was a scanner crackling away on the back patio at Will's parents' house.

She smiled at Eli. "Hey, Eli, there's a bunch of kids playing at the far end of the yard, if you want. Will and Noah are over there."

Eli seemed a little shy about all the people but stood up a bit on his toes to try to see where she was pointing.

She called out to Will but he didn't hear her. So Tom took it upon himself to try to get Will's attention. He whistled the same way he did at his kids that made her feel like he was calling his dog – and then he bellowed at the top of his lungs, "Hey, Little Willie."

She could feel Will cringing from where she stood but it got his attention – and the attention of about half of the people there. He looked slightly pissed off but glanced over his shoulder. Liv waved and that made him gaze long enough to realize who she was standing with. He smiled and waved back – noticing that she was pointing at Eli, he motioned for the boy to come over.

"I'll take him over," Kathy offered and took her son by the hand to navigate him through the throngs of people.

"So what's your poison … what was your name again?" Tom said.

"Elliot," he nodded towards him.

"No, no. Your name."

"Stabler," Olivia filled in for him, since Elliot was giving Tom a look like he was considering trying to break his neck like he would a pencil.

"Stabler, what's your poison?" Elliot just stared at him harder. "We've got beer. Otherwise you can head on over to the kiddie yard for the cola and juice."

"Beer's fine."

Tom nodded and disappeared back into the house for a minute.

"Charming," Elliot said to Liv. "That's Will's brother?"

She nodded. "One of them. The whole family is charming, really."

He made a "whoa" expression like he felt a little sorry for her. But Tom was back and handed him an open bottle.

"OK, Stabler, here I'll sort you out since this one won't," he jabbed a finger towards Olivia in such a way that Elliot looked like he was now considering snapping it too.

"So that far yard – that there is the kiddie and lady yard. Not to worry – just the wives and kiddos, not anything you two need to be running off and investigating." At that point, Elliot made an extremely unimpressed sound and crossed his arms. She nudged him a bit, as an assurance that Tom would be done his spiel in a few more seconds and they could move on to enjoying the barbeque. "There you got all the salads, chips, pretzels, you know. Rob's working on some beer can chicken if that's your thing. The middle yard there, that's my parents. Dad's got the ribs on the go. That's the firemen yard, though – so you may want to steer clear. Leave the real food to the real men. And here I've got your standard burgers and dogs on the go. And what has this yard become this year, there Benson?"

"The cop yard, Tom," she humoured him.

"The cop pen," he corrected her, wagging his finger again. He looked at Elliot. "My yard is the fucking cop pen this year. I don't know how that happened. Best I can figure you add one," he gestured at Olivia again, "and they just all come swarming."

Olivia could tell in the approximately three minutes since Elliot had meet Tom, he was now about as big of fan of him as she was.

"Anyways, you head out there. Eat, drink, be merry. Let me know if you want a burger or need another beer."

Olivia just nodded her head for him to follow her and they got off the porch and started to wander back through the people.

"Well that was something," he said to her after he felt they were out of earshot.

She just nodded.

"I didn't realize Will's family was so … connected into the community," he said, still gaping at the party.

"Yeah, well, my understanding is this all just kind of evolved over the years."

"It's just so …" he didn't know what to say.

"Not SVU," she offered.

He nodded in agreement. "Not SVU."

Though the people in their unit were close and treated each other like family at work – and she knew that they'd really do anything for each other outside of work too – they weren't ones to get-together and socialized after work hours. It wasn't uncommon for homicide detectives to have a bar they frequented to share battle scars. For vice, they had their favourite breakfast or lunch spots, to the point that their asses might has well have been molded into certain seats. But in SVU, the detectives often had to pull themselves away from their cases and the victims who they felt so desperately needed them. When they finally did pull themselves away – they all just wanted to go back to their families or their lives and try to forget or drowned out what they saw by whatever means they knew how to use. Olivia could count on her two hands the number of times she'd gone out with the guys for a drink or a game of pool in her almost 13 years of being in SVU.

"Do they need permits for this?" He asked.

She held up her hands. "Hey, not my house, not bylaw, not working, not my problem," she said. "But I'd hate to be the guy they sent over to deal with this."

He nodded. "No kidding. Hey, so how'd Will do with his triathlon?" he asked. He'd noticed that Kathy hadn't returned and he thought he could see her talking with the other man.

"He finished," she said, "but ankled over on his one foot as he was trying to get out of the clamp on his bike. So he had a pretty rough run there at the end. It's pretty bruised looking right now. He's putting weight on it but I have a feeling we might be at the hospital getting xrays later. The medics at the race suggested it – but he seems to think ibuprofen and ice is enough at the moment. We'll see. He's standing," she gestured in his direction.

"Ouch," Elliot said. "But he finished? How'd he do with his time?"

"He's not happy about it. He was off pace on the cycling leg and then with the foot ... So he came in around three hours, 31 minutes."

"Wow," Elliot said impressed.

"I agree, but it's about 40 minutes slower than what he was shooting for."

"Still a hell over a lot better then what the rest of us could do," he said.

"No kidding. He's officially made me feel as lazy as fuck."

"I'll have to go over and congratulate him," he offered.

She nodded. "He'd appreciate that." She knew that Will kind of thought her partner hated him. She knew that wasn't true. Elliot just didn't know him – beyond anything she said.

"But anyways, first come over here. There's a bunch of people from the Bronx and Brooklyn SVUs."

"No shit?"

"Free food, free beer," she shrugged. "Makes people come out of the woodwork."

"This thing is an annual to-do? How did I never hear about this barbeque before?" He half-ways joked.

"Tell me about it," she agreed. "City's best kept secret, apparently. Or we just weren't invited."

"Guess you have to be sleeping with the right people to know," he commented.

She shot him a look but he thought he saw a small smile and she didn't disagree.


	26. Chapter 26

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Well that was fun," Elliot said, as they all got back into the car.

They'd stayed longer than he'd expected – but it also had been a lot more than a barbeque.

When Liv and Will had started chatting themselves about thinking about taking off – he'd looked at his watch and realized it was pushing 7:30 p.m. He didn't know where the whole afternoon had gone.

He'd thought dropping in would be an OK outing for the family on what had proven to be a quiet long weekend for them. He figured they would say hi to Liv and hear how Will's race had gone – be polite – and then they'd then maybe take Eli to the children's museum or the zoo. He figured they'd be there an hour max - not almost four.

But he'd been surprised at how many cops had come out to the, apparently, big event. There'd been a fair number of people he knew from his years in the force, and he'd settled into catching up. Kathy had been chatting with various spouses and other people she knew – parents of kids their older children had gone through school with who had some how known someone and ended up there too, and Eli seemed fine bumping between playing soccer and basketball with a group of boys who were running between the houses. The barbeque just kept being served and people just kept popping in and stopping to say hi – and now it was already dusk.

He'd offered to give Liv a lift, even though it was about as far off their route home as they could get. She'd declined, though. She claimed that they'd promised Noah a ride on the ferry – and that they didn't mind the subway ride. He didn't know how much the kid would really care about the ferry at that point. They'd been sitting around one of the patio tables for the better part of an hour at the end there, and Noah had been sprawled across Liv, arms and legs hanging off either side of her, completely passed out. She wasn't exactly sitting still – leaning forward to pick up her drink, talking with her hands, laughing – and Noah hadn't even flinched. Even if the kid did wake up, there wasn't going to be a hell of a lot to see from the ferry at this point in the day, unless he was one of those peculiar five-year-olds, that he wasn't sure existed, who got really excited about the nightscape of a city?

"It was nice," Kathy agreed, buckling her seatbelt and glancing into the back seat to make sure Eli was secure in his. "Olivia seems really happy."

He nodded. "Yeah, that's good to see."

"We should place bets, just for fun," she commented.

He was working at getting out of a tight parking situation and wasn't really listening. "Mmm? What?"

"Engaged, married, whatever. I say within a year," his wife said.

"I bet Noah would like if they got married," Eli piped up from the back seat. Elliot looked at him in the rearview mirror and gave him a smile.

But then looked at his wife and said, "I doubt it.

"I don't think Liv is the marrying type and I'm not sure they're technically together."

Kathy snorted at that comment. "Com'on El, they're together. Didn't you see them today?"

He shrugged. But he had. It had become especially apparent when they'd claimed the table near the end of the day and had been sitting around talking. The two had kept on touching each other - but just little touches here and there as they talked or brushing hands together while they were listening to someone else. Whenever Will had stood up from the table, when he came back, he'd touch her shoulder or arm, or placed his hand on her back. Whenever Will sat back down, he'd seen Liv place her hand on his knee. He wasn't even sure if they were aware they were doing it.

Then there was the way they talked to each other. There were a couple times where she'd started asking for something and Will had been up and off to get it, apparently knowing what it was she wanted before she even finished her sentence. She'd never told him he'd retrieved the wrong thing when he came back either.

Even when some stories were being told, it seemed like some sort of joint effort where they were both telling it. He'd start saying something and they'd go back and forth with little interjections like they were building on each other's comments more and more. And there'd been little inside jokes. Will would say something and she'd just look at him and eventually crack a smile – clearly getting something that the rest of the group wasn't. Not to mention she was smiling and laughing at nearly all the guy's comments – most of which Elliot hadn't found that funny.

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

Elliot had spent probably too much time with Olivia over the years – more than he should likely admit, given that he was married and had five kids. He knew he'd likely spent more time with his partner since being on the SVU than he had with his family – almost unquestionably. It found it more than a little upsetting in more ways than he admitted to think about. But despite the time he spent with Olivia, since it was so predominantly in a work setting, he'd never really had much interaction with Will – or any of the other man that had gone through her life before him. So it was really the first time he'd seem much of an interaction between her and someone else she was clearly extremely close to.

He'd seen how they were looking at each other. He really had seen something in his partner's eyes that he hadn't seen before in all the time he'd known her. She really did look happy in that moment – despite everything else she was dealing with all around her. It was clear that a lot of it was directed at Will – and what wasn't was being directed down at her sleeping son. Her eyes just kept lighting up and her face cracking into a smile when she looked over at the guy. He doubted it was post-race euphoria on her part – especially with the guy's current hairdo.

He was glad to see it in her – that she had that in her life, especially at the moment. But it was just so different from the woman he usually saw at work. It made him wonder if his eyes looked so stern, rippling with anger or just plain dead at work – like her's – and if he was still able to light up like she was when he was home and with his family. He didn't think he did – at least not that much – and he didn't have nearly as much on his plate as she did these days. Still, it made him feel a little bit better about everything, and to worry a bit less, to know it was there in her life. She deserved some happiness.

"How long have they been in each other's lives?" Kathy asked.

"Umm, I don't know. I guess since me and the twins helped her move. When was that? Three years ago? More? They were still in high school."

"And you seriously don't think they are together? They're looking at each other they way they were in there and you think your partner of, what, 12 years, is just not the marrying type?" Kathy snorted. "For a detective, Elliot Stabler, some times you are just such a man. I think you're wrong. I say within a year, she'll have a rock on her hand."

Elliot thought about it. "OK, you're on. But with all the crap going on with Noah, I think you're wrong. I say, if they manage to hold a relationship together through all those appointments, maybe, just maybe, we'll hear about an engagement a few years down the road."

"When she's what? Into her late-40s?" Kathy shook her head. "I think you're wrong again there. They're happy, they aren't getting any younger. If anything, I think what they're dealing with with that little boy will make them think about it sooner, not later."

"Well unless you want to call her up and get her perspective on this little gossip fest, I guess we're just going to have to wait and see."

Kathy nodded. "We will. We should bet something good, though, for when I win."

"OK, what do you want?"

She thought about it. "I don't want to have to mow the lawn or shovel the drive – from the time she's engaged until the wedding. Unless they elope or do it in city hall or something – then, for the first year. She gets her honeymoon phase – I get to relive mine."

Elliot looked at her. "OK, you're on."


	27. Chapter 27

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She did a bit of a double-take as she came out of Cragen's office and saw Noah sitting at her desk. Munch looked up from his work.

"Your knight in shining armour left the young squire under my watchful eye and exited in a cloud of profanity," he said, "something about a forgotten wallet."

"He said fuck," Noah informed her.

She head snapped around. "Hey," she said sternly. "We've talked about this. You don't use that word."

"I didn't," Noah said, "Will did."

"You don't repeat it."

Noah gave her a pout.

"None of that either," she told him. "I hear that word out of you again – and when we get home and you'll be moving money from your allowance jar to the swear jar."

"But Will said it!" Noah protested.

"Noah," she said in her Mommy's-upset-and-you-don't-argue-with-her voice, giving him dagger eyes.

He huffed and dramatically flopped his arms, followed by his chin on her desk. His cold shoulder maneuver.

She sighed at Munch. "How long ago was this?"

He shrugged. "Maybe 10 minutes."

She lifted up the front of the book that Noah was examining from his awkward positioning. A new Spiderman comic.

"Did Will leave his wallet at the comic store, Noah?"

Her son shrugged.

She shook her head and pulled out her phone and texted him, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Men, eh?" Munch said.

She grinned at him from what she was doing. "You have no idea, John."

And Will had thought she'd be the one holding them up from getting to their appointment with the financial advisor on time.

Her phone buzzed. "Left wallet at store. Give me 20. We've got time."

She sighed and ran her hand down her son's back. He jerked away a bit, still maintaining his "I'm angry" body language.

He was clearly having a bit of a grouchy and argumentative day. But he was likely overtired. Now trying to shuffle him around between school, the hospital and their jobs was taking a lot out of all three of them. Him getting to take most of his chemo orally with being on maintenance therapy was supposed to make things easier. But she'd been finding that its expectation that both he and they would be able to maintain more normal routines because of it, had instead added a new dimension of exhaustion in to everything.

Getting him to and from school was a battle and he'd be so exhausted by the end of his school day. Then if her or Will had tried to go into work for part of the day – they were having to trek back across the city to pick him up. If they had to go back downtown – then it was another trek on the subway, usually now with him in tow. And trying to get him to be anywhere near pleasant in appointments, if one landed after he'd spent part of the day in school, was a challenge too. His exhaustion was leading to more and more temperamental outbursts from him.

She'd hoped that with him going to school she might be able to put in a bit more time at work. She'd been trying to do that for about a month at this point – but it was pretty clear that it wasn't realistic and she was going to have to go back down to two days – two and a half, if she was lucky, to manage to hit that magic half-week number that made her pay cheque not look quite as pathetic. It was part of the reason they were going to the financial planner.

She was really starting to get scared about the financial hole she was digging. Insurance only covered so much – and even though she had a good plan and had had savings, things were quickly becoming less manageable. She'd met with the hospital financial department when Noah started his treatment and she had utilized services at the centre and through the social worker that were designed to make managing the financial implications of cancer, and all the paperwork and bureaucratic tie-ups it involved, a bit easier. So at least she was somewhat on the ball – she hadn't put it off, despite everything else needing her attention. But, though the immediate future wasn't a disaster yet, she worried about the long-term implications Noah's illness would have – on what she'd put away for her retirement, on her ability to secure a mortgage if she decided she finally wanted to, on her ability to help him pay his way through university when the time came. She knew it was going to take years and years to pay off the medical debts when they managed to get through all of this – and that was still years down the road even.

She leaned against her desk and watched him. He kept his eyes fixated on the comic.

"That a good one, Noah?"

He nodded but didn't look at her.

"You get anything else?"

"A Star Wars," he said quietly.

"Did you have a snack yet?" she asked, already moving towards the other side of her desk and opening her snack drawer. Lately it had mostly become a storage drawer for food items of his. Her and Will had been bouncing him around and handing him off between the two of them far too much the last few weeks as they tired to figure out and manage his new schedule and routines. But there wasn't anything routine about it, as far as she was concern, it wasn't even organized chaos. She really thought having him in school wasn't working and they'd have to adjust the situation – take him down to half weeks, or at least half days, or just be more aware of how he was really feeling and not just what his counts said on a particular day or week. If he was exhausted – they shouldn't be trying to run him ragged like this for the sake of routine and trying to make him feel more normal. What was normal anymore anyways? As far as she was concerned, they'd given it a try for a month, and she thought it was definitely time to start reassessing the situation and being a bit more realistic for all their sakes – and sanity.

He shook his head and looked into the drawer. She watched him pick out a juice box and then tried to decide between almonds she had in there, some rice crackers and a soft-chew bar that she knew he wasn't overly fond of but was chalk-full of protein. She picked up his backpack from his feet and zipped its front pocket open, feeling around for his pills. As she suspected from his colouring, he hadn't had his afternoon ones yet.

She shook her head again at Will – even though he wasn't there. He was clearly in a tizzy that day – likely as confused about who was doing what, when, as her anymore. But he was forgetting more than he should be.

She set the pill box down in front of her son. "Here," she said, shaking it a little and taking the juice box from him and putting the straw in for him. She watched him put the pills in his mouth and sip the juice – again feeling bad that her little boy even knew how to swallow pills at all. She looked at what he'd picked for snack – the almonds. It wouldn't have been her first choice for him. She opened the draw above where she'd tossed what was left of her lunch and grabbed the uneaten yogurt. She opened it and grabbed her spoon to stir it up.

"Make sure you eat that too, OK?" she said, putting it in front of him. He nodded. He actually seemed to forget about the almonds and reached for it instead.

She watched him. He took a few spoonfuls but then fussed.

"Gross," he said and held up the spoon to her.

Metallic. Great. They basically used plastic cutlery at home anymore. You'd think she'd have remembered to bring some into work but she'd actual had been treating work as an opportunity to feel like a normal, human-being for a bit – at least in terms of diet – and was using regular utensils.

She cupped his head, bringing her hand down his cheek and to his chin. "I'm not sure if we've got any plastic around, sweets. I'll go look."

It took a few minutes, but it wasn't that hard to find a plastic spoon for him in the little kitchenette. People were constantly leaving their unused take-out extras in there. But the spoon she'd provided Noah mustn't have been that gross, because when she came back, he was still working on the yogurt. She set the plastic one next to him and he barely looked at it.

Bipolar today, she thought.

She touched his head again, and took his baseball cap off. He grabbed at it – but she held it just out of his reach. It had been rubbing on his dry and peeling scalp and she wanted the little blisters to get some air.

"Just for a while," she told him.

"Mommy, no," he protested in a whine that nearly made her cringe.

Noah had been fine about his chemo head until he started school. With the amount of time he'd spent in the hospital with other kids who looked the exact same way, it likely had some level of normalcy to it. But it wasn't normal to the kids in the school yard. It was a definite mark that Noah was different. The teachers were doing their best to wrangle the comments and to answer questions for the kids. But there'd still be hurtful things said. One child had declared to Noah that, "My Mom, says that people with cancer usually die. So you're going to die and you'll be dead." Noah had asked her what that meant. And, even if the comments weren't hurtful, just the questions and the looks made Noah feel self-conscious. He'd cried about it – and since then the Yankees cap had become about a permanent fixture on his head. But it wasn't helping with his latest bout of folliculitis.

"Let me put on the cream on and we'll put on your toque instead," she suggested. Washing the cream out of the toque was much easier than trying to keep the ball cap clean and to get it dry again for when he wanted it.

He didn't disagree so she dug around in his backpack until she found both. She unscrewed the cap and squirted some onto two of her fingers but as she went to rubbed it into his head, he balked again.

"Mommy! Not here," he glared at her.

Apparently she wasn't doing anything right that afternoon.

"OK," she nodded, and took his hand to lead him to the bathrooms just outside the doors of their unit.

He again balked at the concept of going into the women's restroom with her. She decided they were both too tired to argue about it.

"Then I guess we're both going into the boy's," she told him.

"You can't," he said.

"I can," she said, tugging at his hand, "I work here."

"You aren't allowed," Noah protested again. So much for not arguing.

"I am," she said. Cragen walked on the way to the soda machine and gave her and Noah a smile. "Captain, do I ever go into the boy's bathroom?" She asked, nodding at Noah.

Cragen smiled a bit more. "Noah, your mom barges in and bugs me in the boys bathroom all the time."

She looked at Noah. "See? We're just going to be a second anyways."

He let her take him in this time, though she stopped after pushing open the door to offer a, "Coming in", for any men that might be in there. There wasn't any response or flushes – and after they got in the door, they did have the place to themselves.

She grabbed a paper towel and wiped off the counter and then lifted Noah to sit on it. He let her rub the cream in. She was extra careful to be gentle in some areas that she thought looked a little infected. But he still flinched a bit and she saw him pulling at his fingers in what had developed into his discomfort tell over the last many months. She'd have to remember to pull out her little medical notebook she carried with her anymore and jot a note to ask for some antibiotics for the infected-looking rash when they were in at the doctor's on Thursday.

A robbery detective came in and gave them a strange glance. But he didn't say anything and disappeared into a stall, locking the door.

She finished up with the cream and washed her hands off under the tap. Noah was already pulling his Superman toque over his head, trying to tug it further down his ears.

She gave him a small smile and lifted him back off the counter.

"Do you need to pee?" She asked. He nodded. "OK. You pee. I'll wait outside. Wash your hands."

When he did come out, he showed her that his hands were still wet, but she still shuffled him over to the antibacterial wall unit outside of the entrance to SVU and squirted some into them.

She got him settled back in to her desk and watched for a few seconds as he went back to gazing at the comic.

"Hey," she crouched down to look at him. He still wasn't actively making eye-contact with her. "Will you be OK if I got over there and do a bit more work until Will gets back?" She pointed but Noah didn't even look up to bob his head yes.

"OK, your puzzle book and markers are in the drawer, if you get tired of your comics," she said.

She got no reaction. So she'd picked up a small pile of paper work and went and sat over by the case board to try to get a couple more things off the of must-do before she called it a day and disappeared from the bull-pen for another several days to deal with her other life, as she'd started to think of it as.

Will looked frazzled when he finally showed up – closer to 40 minutes later, which she didn't think was surprising given the time of day it was and the backlog and delays there'd be even on transit. He mouthed "Sorry" at her.

She was really having to resist the urge to shake her head at him or make a comment about him being the one that was making them late, not her.

"I called Marlene," she told him as he got closer. "I told her we'd be running at least thirty minutes late."

He glanced at his watch. "We'll be OK," he said. "We've still got time."

She'd already started to round-up Noah – opening is backpack for him to put his things into and slipping his coat up this arms. "We're going to get all the way uptown in 10 minutes?" She tried not to glare at him too hard.

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

She just nodded. "You got it back OK?"

"Yeah."

"If you weren't spoiling him …" she gestured at Noah.

"We were just killing some time," he said. "I didn't know it would end up throwing our schedule off the rails."

"I paid," Noah protested again. "Eight dollars and 23 cents."

She smiled at him. "Wow, a lot of allowance. How many weeks?"

She watched him cock his head thinking about it and then count on his fingers, going back and checking a couple times.

"Three?" He both asked and stated.

Close enough, she though. "Wow. I hope they're good ones," she said. She knew he couldn't read them yet but he loved spending huge amounts of time just gazing at the pictures. She also knew it was some times hard for Will to watch how tattered her son's comics got as he paged through them over and over and over again – often with sticky fingers or food nearby or action figures being used to stomp on the pages and re-enact what he was looking at.

He nodded, clearly rather proud of himself.

"Let's just get going," Will said, holding her coat out for her.

"Have fun," John had commented, he was getting his coat on too, apparently calling it a day.

"Oh a blast," Liv said, taking Noah's hand.

"Personally, I find the best thing to do with finances is to just accept that you're screwed from the get-go," he told her. "The government will never let you get a head – and a financial advisor? Good luck with that. Take anything she says with a very large grain of salt."

She smiled. "OK, John. Thanks for the advice."

**Just a note to my frequent readers that there won't likely be an update until into next week. But if you are Will fans and haven't checked out my other story A Complicated State of Happiness, you might be able to get a bit of a fix from there. Thanks for all the kind comments and suggestions so far.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You never say anything about Tessa?" She heard herself say and wasn't sure she had meant to say it out loud.

They'd been sitting on the couch watching a bunch of TEDtalks for the better part of an hour now. She wasn't really watching it, though. Her mind was elsewhere – work, Noah, errands she needed to get done on the weekend. But her mind kept going back to the dead wife of the man she was leaning so comfortably against.

They'd just passed the 10th anniversary of the Terror Attacks. Will's family had gone to some of the official functions – but he hadn't. He'd been offered the opportunity to go and see the new memorial, to hear her name read to make a rubbing, but still declined. She had told him it was OK to go, that he likely should, but he'd maintained that he didn't want to. She'd asked if Tessa's parents or family members were in town and if he was going to try to see them. He'd shrugged and said they hadn't really kept in touch very well over time. But he'd consider it if any of them tried to get a hold of him.

Would they even know how? she'd asked and he'd again shrugged and said they knew he worked at the university and he wasn't that hard to track down. She supposed that was true. A quick Google search of his name would've confirmed he was still at NYU and from there his faculty email and office phone number was readily available.

She'd never lost a spouse – and she hadn't directly lost anyone in 9/11, though she did know people who had died. She knew and had dealt with enough people who had suffered far more substantial losses, though, and had seen their varying coping methods and grief. Will's was different. She didn't understand it, no matter how hard she tried. Even when she did try she just ended up feeling hurt for him and almost sorry for him, which she knew he didn't want. But she wasn't sure how he was handling it was healthy. She worried about him.

She felt him tense a bit at the mention of Tessa's name. But he didn't even look away from the television screen.

"What am I supposed to be saying about her?" He asked. She heard a touch of upset in his voice.

"I don't know. We've just known each other years now, it was just a big milestone, and still I could probably count the number of times you've even mentioned her on one hand."

She'd been in his apartment enough to know there was no trace of her visible in there – not a photograph, not a piece of décor that seemed to have a woman's touch, nothing she'd accidentally stumbled across when grabbing a hoodie from his closet. And, she could only think of about four passing mentions where he'd made reference to her. It was just strange to her. She recognized it'd been a decade since she died. Long enough for most people to grieve - but when she died in the Towers? She didn't know what long enough could really be for that. It was such a scar on the city – the country.

She knew a bit what a scar it was on him – that was obvious enough. He'd purposely marked that scar on him in permanent ink. And, she knew it was something burned into him - another point of damage in his life. But, like her, Will was cautious with how he shared his emotions and she couldn't imagine what really lay beneath.

"I've known you three years too, and I'm pretty sure and there's a lot of things you haven't mentioned much or bothered to talk to me about either," he said.

True, she thought. She had her own scars - and she'd definitely skirted various issues, just giving him tiny glimpses of some of the pain she'd experienced and that continued to haunt her.

"It just seems like she'd be a big part of you," she said.

"She's been dead ten years," he said but sighed. "Why? What do you want to know?"

"I don't know. How'd you meet?"

"In grad school."

Well, she'd already kind of figured that out. "And?"

"Apparently she liked me too." She elbowed him a little. "I don't know, Liv. She's been dead longer than we were even together. Longer than I ever knew her."

She let that sink it. That was a strange reality.

"Besides," he added, "I didn't think a woman I'm in a relationship with would really want me talking about previous relationships. I don't want to know about your's."

She could see his point in a way. And, it was true. He didn't want to know about her past relationships. He had never asked – not even when they were just friends; and, he only wanted to know minimal details about Noah's father. The legal wrangling and what she wanted to do about it all was enough for him. He didn't seem to want or need details, and she was actually grateful about that. She didn't really want to delve into her sexual past and relationships with him either. But she felt this was different.

This wasn't just a previous relationship – it was a woman he'd married, and not divorced, she'd died only months after they actually had tied the knot. And, he was not an average widower – he was a 9/11 widower. She knew that he had likely watched the news coverage with the rest of the world, seen the burning towers, known his wife was in there and then watched them come down – while then spending desperate hours trying to reach her, hoping maybe she'd gotten out, and days hoping that maybe the search and rescue crews would find survivors. This was different.

"Why was she there that day?" She asked softly.

"Umm. A business meeting. It was her first out-of-town business meeting," he said and then shut up. But he could feel her still looking at him. He sighed again. "She'd been excited she got picked to go – and to get to visit the city. She was from Minnesota. She'd been to New York a couple times with me to meet my family but it was the first time she went on her own."

He paused. "My parents were supposed to come into the city that night to meet up with her. They were going to take her to Pellegrion's … in Little Italy. She wanted New York cheesecake too." She heard a smile in his voice at that. "She talked about that for like a week before she left – fucking cheesecake. Is our cheesecake really that exciting?"

She smiled and looked up at him. "I'm sure it is to some people."

"I fucking hate cheesecake."

They went back to watching the television in silence for a few minutes.

"Was she pretty?" Liv asked, again kind of wishing she hadn't. It sounded so insecure.

"Yeah, I thought so." He gave her a thin smile.

"You don't keep any pictures of her around your place," she said.

He shrugged. "It's the past. I don't want it on display." But he grunted and pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. He tapped around the screen and then handed it to her.

"That's at Machu Pichhu," he said. "We did the hike for our honeymoon. Basically just before it happened."

She looked at the phone. He looked much younger – he must've been, what 28 or 29? He had sunglasses on and a baseball cap on backwards – as usual. She couldn't see his eyes because of it, but he was looking into the camera and wearing a wide and beaming smile. He had his arm around a woman. She was likely about half-a-foot shorter than him, fit looking – not fat nor thin, with shorter curly auburn hair pulled back from her face. She had her sunglasses pushed up sitting on the top of her forehead, which had a glean of sweat across it. She was looking up at him with big grey-blue eyes filled with this real sense of happiness and achievement.

She pushed forward to the next one but it was one she'd seen before of him with his brother's playing street hockey.

He'd seen her flick to the next photo in the album. "That's the only one on there," he told her.

She nodded and handed it back to him. "Why keep just that one?"

He shrugged. She knew there was more to it then that – but she also knew that was likely all she was going to get.

"She's pretty – and you look very happy."

He nodded silently. "We were," he said but looked down at her, making sure to directly make eye contact. "But I'm really happy now, too, Liv. Don't ever question that."

She rested her head back on his chest. "I don't," she finally said. "I just don't want you to feel like you have to give up pieces of yourself or forget your past to be happy now - with us."

He wasn't looking at her but his hand did come down and clutch her's.

"I'm not," he said. "What you see, is what you get. This is me. Take it or leave it, Liv."

**Guess I lied. Managed to get this chapter edited too. But that's it until next week. Feedback appreciated. Have a good Father's Day weekend (Might do a stand-alone one-shot for fun on that theme too. Thoughts?).**


	29. Chapter 29

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was grateful that that appointment had gone so quickly. They'd ended up just meeting with the young resident that Noah seemed to really like. Dr. Evans was smiley, friendly and silly with the kids and they just seemed to gravitate to him, even if they weren't on his rounds on a particular day. But even better for the parents, he had a different way about him when it came to explaining where things were at. He was more simplistic in his language and just to the point – while still having that sympathetic edge to him. The system hadn't quite jaded him yet. Olivia appreciated that.

It was only scheduled to be a short appointment anyways. But still – when they really did end up being short, that was all the better. It was the last appointment before Noah would be going in for what would hopefully be his last intensification round and last treatment via spinal tap. It would mean at least a week in the hospital again – likely more based on how it went last time. Noah wasn't exactly happy about it – but why would he be? But if everything went well with it, they'd finally be fully settling into their maintenance routine. Finally. There'd be no more hospitalizations, unless he took a turn for the worse. She'd convinced herself that that wasn't going to happen. It just wasn't an option. Her son would be OK.

She'd needed the short and sweetness of how that chat with the doctor had gone. It had been a crazy week for her. There'd been some messy cases going on at work. She'd been trying to not get sucked into things happening at the precinct but then it was one of her previous victims – victimized again. When she got the call in the middle of the night – she'd got dressed and hurried out. She didn't much leave the office until the perp was in custody. She thought Cragen, Elliot and Will might lose their minds because of that. But it was her choice.

Will had told her that her not being home at night was really throwing Noah off. She was calling him to say good night, even regurgitating the stories they'd read so many times she could recite them by memorization over the phone. But it wasn't enough for him. He was up and waking Will wondering when she'd be home – apparently nearly on the hour. His behaviour had reached the point that he so wanted his mom, that Will ended up bringing him down to the station house while she was working a line on a phone bank taking tips. Noah had ended up sitting on her lap for 20 minutes, just clinging to her neck, while she kept on taking calls and making notes.

She remembered often thinking over the years when other detectives had their kids into the building – that they were crazy. She even wondered if it border-lined on child endangerment. Who wanted their kids to see or hear the kinds of things that walked through their building or were up on display on their case boards? There were more than a few occasions when Kathy had brought the kids in to see Elliot – even for just a couple minutes – when he wasn't able to pull himself away from the case. She'd made some comments to him about it over the years – sometimes half-ways joking, other times seriously – but he'd always just brushed it off. He'd say that getting to see them, even for a few seconds, helped him get the focus he needed to keep on working. It also made him feel a little less guilty for how much time he missed having with them. She'd understood, but she'd also never quite understood – not until she had Noah. And, now, she figured there were detectives looking at her, thinking she was the crazy one – at work, with the sickly kid. Cragen had told her to pack it in and take Noah home – but she'd managed to fend him off. She'd been doing that on almost every other case – she hadn't been willing to do it on this one.

She was taking time out now, though. She'd had her time burying herself in work and Will being stuck with the brunt of dealing with Noah's stuff - now the tables had turned.

It was the lead in to mid-terms at NYU. Will had been stuck with all freshman classes that term. In previous years, he often liked his first-year classes – the kids are younger, he got to mold them a bit and get them excited about the math program. He prided himself on teaching in a way that some of the kids who were just forced to take a 101-type course as a requirement for whatever the degree they were working towards, would enjoy his courses so much that they'd switch into the math program or at least show up in some of the electives he taught.

But the first-year kids were also the neediest and to be stuck with three groups of them was a little much – especially with everything he had going on outside of work these days. The class sizes were bigger to begin with and it was really in the lead up to mid-terms that a lot of kids finally realized that they were actually at university and not just a never-ending kegger. It meant that they were jamming into his office hours – to the point he was having to host more and would likely continue to until the week after their mid-term exams were returned. Then there was all the prep work for the reviews and writing the exams themselves, while also trying to juggle his TAs to get them on task in the way he wanted, to supposedly be lightening the workload for him.

The situation wasn't helped in that he'd agreed to supervise the work of two grad students and he'd also been commissioned to write a chapter on the applications of game theory for some sort of economics textbook. Then he had a paper that was slated to be published. There'd been some sort of back-and-forth with the peer review that resulted in him having to beat the crunch to get it re-worked to go for the next publication date of the academic journal.

He was slated to have his work and contributions to the university reviewed in January. If it went well, there was a good chance that he'd finally get bumped up to full professor. With the minor change in job title would come a rather significant wage increase, which they both acknowledged they could use at that point. Will seemed to feel if he didn't get the paper published before then – and if its first-year students landed on the wrong side of the bell curve, his chances of getting the promotion was slim. The whole thing had sent him into a bit of a tizzy. So that week he was spending more time on campus than he had in months and they hadn't seen much of him.

In some ways she didn't mind. She wasn't getting as much one-on-one time alone with Noah anymore – at least time that wasn't in a medical environment. So it was kind of nice to get a bit of time to hang out with him on her own terms. He'd been having a fairly good week, so they'd been enjoying some play time and crafts and reading together and watching movies.

He seemed to be doing well that day too, so she'd decided rather than take the cross-town bus back to the west side from the hospital, they'd take the long-way home and wander down the park before hopping onto the subway.

"So what do you think you want to do this afternoon, Noah?" She'd asked him as they got out front of the hospital and started walking south, hand in hand.

He shrugged.

"Hmm," she said. "Well, I was thinking we could go into the park and go to that playground you like?" No response. "Or maybe we could go to the museum?" Nothing. "The zoo?" Nope, no reaction. "The toy store?" Just another shrug.

She looked at him. "Something is up if you aren't on board with the toy store," she teased him. She didn't take him to FAO Schwarz often – probably only about three or four times in his life, the last couple years in the lead up to Christmas. But when they did go, well, he was like a kid in a toy store, basically.

Still, he just shrugged again.

"OK, why don't you think about it for a few minutes," she said, glancing at him as they walked.

"Mommy, maybe I should just go to school," he finally said quietly.

She looked at him a little surprised. Noah's introduction to school wasn't going very well. Beyond him missing school, he was struggling with fitting in with the other kids, making friends and developing any sort of real routine. Most mornings it was a minor battle to get him to even go in – and now on a day off, he was suggesting he actually wanted to go?

"Well, sweets, remember we talked about this? We decided that on days you have doctor's appointments, we aren't going to go in – even when it is just a short one."

He nodded but then added, "But maybe I should."

She looked at him harder. "Why's that, sweets?"

"Jason says I'm a freak," he said quietly again.

She stopped and looked at him again. She wanted to tell him, "Jason is a fucking idiot" but instead managed to ask, "Why would anyone say something like that?"

She knew the answer, though. Getting small children to understand what was going on with Noah was next to impossible. Even when they could understand that he was sick – the concept of just how and why he was sick was too big for their little minds. The only thing they really knew was that Noah was different – he looked different, he was treated differently to an extent, and he missed a lot of school.

Noah tugged at her arm to make her keep walking and she did. He didn't let go of her hand.

"He says I look funny," he told her then.

He wasn't making eye contact with her – he was examining his feet. But she made sure to watch him – hoping that he could at least feel her eyes were on him.

"You don't look funny," she told him. "You're beautiful."

He scuffed his foot, pretending to kick something down the sidewalk, and he shook his head no.

"Yes, you are," she told him a bit more sternly but sincerely.

"Jason says I'm going to make everyone else sick," he said again in that soft, little voice.

At that she stopped again and crouched down, turning his shoulders so he would look at her. He was still keeping his eyes down cast. She kept her hands on his arms, rubbing them.

"Sweetie, we've talked about this too. You can't give people cancer. It's not contagious. It's not like the stomach flu."

"Then how come we have to wear masks?" He asked.

She shook her head. "Sweets, you know that's not so you don't make us sick. That's so we don't make you sick. It's because we have all kinds of germs and your body is working so, so, so hard to fight all those cancer cells that it doesn't have time to fight germs too. So we wear masks to help keep our germs from getting on you."

He nodded. She knew it was something he'd heard multiple times before but she got the impression he didn't believe it today.

"Noah, we haven't had to wear masks for a while, either – only when you're in the hospital or when your counts are not good. It's to protect you from us. It's not because you can give me, or Will, or anyone else cancer. Do you understand? It doesn't work that way."

He nodded again – still not looking at her.

"Sweetie," she said, hanging her head. Some days she hated his interactions with these so-called 'normal' kids. It just seemed to make things harder for her son – not more 'normal' or routine. He just ended up getting hurt and confused so often – and it broke her heart. It made her want to pull him out of that school.

"Jason says I must've done something very bad," Noah said even quieter now. "But I don't know what."

She felt tears coming to her eyes with that comment and pulled him to her, choking them back. She was sure that people walking around them on Fifth Avenue wondered what the hell was going on.

"Noah, you didn't do anything wrong," she told him, holding him tight against her. "You don't get cancer because you misbehaved. It's not a punishment."

"Then why?" Now he sounded like he was crying.

She held him out from her and wiped at the tears coming down his cheek. Her's weren't staying in her eyes so well now either and she had to swat at them too.

"No one knows, Noah. Some times it just happens. It's not fair – but it just happens."

"I don't want it anymore, Mommy," he told her, tears now streaming down his face.

She pulled him back to her again, holding his head at her shoulder and rubbing his back as he sobbed. She was trying her best to hold it together – but it was getting harder, with each rattled sob shaking his little body against her's.

"I know, sweetie. I don't want you to have it anymore, either. But we're all working really hard to make it so you don't. Really, really hard – and, you're being so brave and you're doing so well and we're all so proud of you, Noah. I'm so, so proud of you. You're my beautiful, smart, strong little boy – and I'm so incredibly proud of you."


	30. Chapter 30

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"So how's it going with Olivia?" Rob had asked Will.

Will tried to go out for some shinny hockey and breakfast with his brothers on the Saturdays he managed to drag himself to back to Staten Island, which had become far less frequent since Noah had been sick. That weekend it wasn't an overnight trip – he'd just started sitting on transit at an ungodly hour to meet them for the 6 a.m. game. He really was just trying to appease them. His family had been feeling somewhat neglected lately. He hoped this would be enough to have them give him a break for another while – and he could just head back into the city and to his life when he finished his eggs.

He thought it was a weird question and could already sense some sort of grilling coming on – but he just nodded, dipping more toast into his poached egg.

"Yeah, she's good," he said.

"Asked how it's going with her, not how she's doing," Rob stated, cutting up his ham that was swimming in a pool of ketchup.

Will glanced up from his plate. Both of his brothers were kind of staring at him.

"Umm, good?" He responded cautiously.

"Still tapping that?" Tom teased.

Will shook he head, rolling his eyes and looked back to his food.

"Oh, he's getting some," Rob added on his behalf.

"Com'on guys," Will groaned. "What are we 16? I don't bug you about that shit with your wives."

"Because they're our wives," Tom told him. The stack of pancakes he ordered was disgustingly big – and he'd added a side of sausage. Will didn't know how he was packing away that much food but he'd already cleared about half his plate. "You don't need to ask to know the answer."

"Still haven't figured out how someone like you ended up with someone like her," Rob teased and shook his head.

Will mumbled, "Yeah, well, I guess maybe she sees something you don't," and shoved more food into his mouth.

"Don't get all touchy, baby brother," Rob said and kicked him under the table.

Will dropped his utensils on the table. "Jesus Christ. Can I just eat my breakfast?"

Tom laughed. "So what's the deal?"

"What do you mean 'so what's the deal'?" Will started to look around for the waitress.

"Well, where's all this going?" Tom clarified.

Will sighed. "Com'on guys. Drop it."

"I just don't get what you get out of it," Tom said, cutting up more of his food.

"What I get out of it?"

"You guys try to make it seem like you aren't in a real relationship but meanwhile you're the wet-maid for her kid," Tom said.

Now Will was getting pissed. "It's not like that," he glared at both of his brothers.

"Hey, hey," Rob held up his hand. "Tom didn't mean anything by it. Calm down, Willie. We just want ya to be happy."

"I am happy," he said, pushing his breakfast potatoes around his plate. He didn't intend to eat them.

Rob nodded. "That's good. That's what's important."

"I get lots out of it," he glanced back up. "Liv is great. If you tried harder to get to know her, you'd see that. She's just … she's a really amazing woman. And, Noah … he's just … I don't even know. He's about everything I could ask for in a kid. He's so fucking funny. Smart. Fuck, I can't even imagine if I hadn't met them anymore. What my life would be right now …"

"She going to come to Thanksgiving this year?" Tom asked.

Will shrugged. "I doubt it."

"Makes it hard to get to know her when she doesn't come to anything," he commented.

He sighed. "She prefers more casual stuff. You know that. Not her fault you don't ever come out with Becky and the kids."

Tom shot him a hard look but ignored the comment.

"You'll be coming out, though?" Rob asked now.

"I guess," he said. He hated that at the major holidays almost always ended up having to decide anymore between spending time with Liv and Noah or his family. It always ended up making him feel like he was giving up spending time with people he cared about. He usually would've preferred to stay holed up with Liv and Noah – but that just wasn't really an option, not with his family. It tore him apart basically every season.

"We'd love to see them out here too," Rob added.

Will nodded. "Yeah, maybe. She some times likes doing her own thing," he said. "You know she's not used to big family stuff."

"Maybe she should try a little harder," Tom said rather harshly.

Will glanced at him. "She's got a lot on her plate right now."

"So do you. And her skipping out on stuff that's important to you isn't exactly new," Tom accused.

Will shook his head. "It's not like that."

"Just because she's finally letting you fuck her now, doesn't mean she gets to win all the time," Tom said. "Be the man, lay down the law."

Will glared at him. "You saying shit like that is why I don't like coming out for the fucking holidays either."

He stood from the table, and headed to the cash to find the waitress himself.

"Will…" Rob called after him. But he was ignored. He gave Tom a sideways look. "Good job, there, Fucker."

"She's going to chew him up and spit him out," Tom said, putting more food into his mouth. "You just watch."

Rob shook his head. "I don't know about that. This isn't just a fling."

Tom grunted. "Yeah, she's keeping him on as her glorified babysitter until the kids is old enough to become some latch-key. Then she'll kick him to the curb."

Rob shrugged again. "I don't know about that either. She seems like a good person, a good mom and her and Willie seem to do OK together. He's always done stuff his own way – why should this be any different?"

"Yeah, and you know her so well," Tom snorted.

"I think Karen and I have tried a little harder than you," he said. "You should try. For Will's sake – and for Mom and Dad too. They are really trying – and you know how hard that is for them. Will deserves some happiness and stability. Olivia and Noah seem to give that to him. That counts for something."

Tom rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll just wait until I get to say I told you so in the end. None of you better come crawling to me to help in the picking up the pieces when this does all go to hell, though. She dumps him or that kid dies – and it's going to be disaster. You think Tessa dying fucked with him – this will be an even worse head-fuck."

Rob looked at him. "Will's not as weak as you think, Tommy."

Tom shook his head. "He doesn't know what he wants half the time."

Rob put his coffee cup down from taking a slurp. "Nah, there, I think you're wrong. Willie's always known exactly what he wants. It's just been different from what you think he should want."


	31. Chapter 31

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Hey," she said, shaking his thigh with her foot from the opposite side of the couch. "Where'd you go?"

She'd been talking to Will for the better part of 10 minutes – telling him about how the meeting with her lawyer had gone and ranting a bit about the up coming mediation meetings between her and Kurt.

Kurt was trying to have his child support payments adjusted – clearly concerned that she might be try to get more out of him with Noah's medical expenses and arguing that she had Will to provide support now, so he shouldn't have to be paying as much. He'd even threatened to try to hold her in contempt for not allowing him a visitation with Noah when he'd shown up unannounced and to re-open the custody discussion to have his visitation schedule re-visited, if she didn't get on-board with what he wanted. Normally, it'd be a topic that Will would be engaged in and asking questions but she'd seen his eyes become increasingly glassed over, and his mind was clearly somewhere else. For the last several minutes, he'd even stopped making listening noises.

He looked at her – and shook his head. "Sorry," he said. "The whole thing is just ridiculous."

She nodded. "But what were you thinking about there?" She asked. "You kind of left me."

He looked down at his hands. "It just bugs me," he said. "That this guy who has had absolutely nothing to do with Noah has more so-called rights to him than me. Liv, I've been around him basically every day since he was two and it's just like … it just hurts that I don't have some say in all of this."

She gazed at him. "I care what you have to say," she offered.

He gave her a small smile. "No, you don't," he said softly.

"Will," she pushed against his leg again with her foot. "You know that isn't true."

He sighed. "Why can't we talk about me adopting him then?"

He saw her push her weight back further into the couch.

"We've talked about this," she said, a touch of impatience in her voice. "Even if that was something that I was ready to consider, there'd be a whole other legal game with that. Not to mention we haven't taken any of the steps that would increase our legitimacy for that argument in front of a judge. We aren't married, we don't even technically live together – and our relationship is basically brand new."

"So Noah gets punished again because we took our sweet-ass time getting here?" He almost spat. "Liv, will it ever be something you're going to be 'ready' to consider?"

She shook her head. "Com'on Will…"

He sighed. "I'm serious."

She looked down. "OK … I guess the truth is, I don't know."

"What don't you know?" He asked. "I mean, I think we've known each other long enough, you should have some inkling about where this is headed."

"I guess I just try to enjoy the moment and not get too far ahead of myself," she said, "try to keep things uncomplicated."

"Liv, all of this is pretty fucking complicated."

She sat watching of him for a moment. Though they were both clearly upset, neither of them was angry at the other. They were just frustrated with the situation and themselves – and having to deal with all of it amidst having to deal with Noah's illness too. Some times it just felt like too much.

"What happens if we ever break up?" Will said. "I just never get to see him again – after all of this."

"Will, I think you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't do that. If we break up, we break up. We'll have to be adults about it and figure something out for Noah. We both know that's in his best interests. I wouldn't just let you disappear from his life. That's not fair to him either.

"I don't remember saying anything about breaking up anyways," she added.

He shrugged. "Things happen."

"OK," she allowed, "things happen. Is there something I should know? Is this not working for you?"

He shook his head. "No, it's fine."

"Well, I'd prefer if you saw it as a little more than fine, but I guess I'll take that," she said.

He allowed a small smile. "No, it's good, Liv."

"OK," she said.

"You know I'd do anything for him – and you."

She nodded. "I know."

"I just hate that he gets to argue for visitation and custody and decision-making power – but he doesn't even know Noah. Noah doesn't know him. He doesn't care but he gets to make our lives a living hell. I just don't get it."

"It's a game to him, Will," she said. "It's just about the money. It's not about you or me or even Noah. It's all about him."

"Isn't the fact he's making it all about him, enough to keep him away from Noah? The guy isn't a father. He doesn't even know what the word means."

"I know," she agreed. "But in the eyes of the court, the best interest of the child is always equated with the two biological parents and giving those parents the chance to having a meaningful relationship with the child. I don't like it anymore than you do – but it's the way it is. The best we can do is just go along with the process, trust that my lawyer is better than his, and hope in the end the judge falls on our side."

"Why don't you just give him what he wants?"

She sighed. "I don't think that's fair to us either. I don't want to let him just win – to walk all over me, to hurt Noah. At this point I want more than anything to just terminate his parental rights – but that's complicated to. We really just have to go through the process and see what happens."

"And then keep having to do it until Noah's 18?"

She looked down. "Maybe. It depends on how Kurt wants to play this. But my feeling is that right now it's the medical expenses and his own money that he's worried about – not having a relationship with Noah."

"Will I have a chance to give some input during all of this?"

She looked at him. "If you want that, yes."

"Liv, this is tearing me apart. I hate that this guy is trying to get any piece of Noah. I know he's not mine but …"

"Will," she moved across the couch and put her hand on his arm. "I know. You don't need to explain, OK? I know everything you've done for him, I know how you feel about him, I know how he feels about you. All of that is important to me. You don't have to worry. I know you're his daddy. I'm not going to let this process bury that. If you want a chance to talk, I'll make sure you get it. Even if Gwen recommends against it – I'll make sure you have the opportunity. I promise."

"I'm his daddy?" He asked, surprised she was verbally admitting that.

She nudged his shoulder with her's. "We both know that, even if we don't like to admit it out loud. You're a good dad to my son," she told him. "I don't have any intention of taking that way from you or from him. I want him to have a father. Our version of family might be a little fucked up – but …"

"It's not fucked up," he interjected. "I like what we have too."

She smiled. "I'm glad."


	32. Chapter 32

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She was more looking down the street, beyond his shoulder, then she was looking at him.

"Liv, com'on," Will pleaded at her. "This isn't the kind of thing we can walk away from and spend days think about and debating. If we don't go back up those stairs and fill out that form, this is going to be gone."

She sighed and looked up at the sky.

She was frustrated with him – but also frustrated with herself. She didn't know what she wanted to do.

He'd lured her into looking at this rental unit. He'd said they were going to go to take Noah to the Museum of Natural History, which apparently they were still going to do. But when they were also there he'd insisted they veer down one of the side streets. Now they were standing in the Upper West Side in front of a little brownstone triplex and she was swinging between wanting to hate him for it and almost loving him more for it.

He knew that her ideal place to raise Noah in the city was the Upper West Side. Really what Manhattan family wouldn't want that? But it was a ridiculous thing for her to even think about. Doing it on her salary was basically a dream – and doing it right now with all the other expenses and debts she was dealing with was pretty much ridiculous. But it was something she had always wanted on some level – that stereotype that she both hated and desired. She'd never even bothered to look at any pre-War era buildings before. It just seemed like setting herself up for disappointment but now she was standing in front of one and being told that it was within her reach. She almost wanted to slap Will.

The brownstone belonged to the father of one of his TAs, he'd explained. He'd found out about it in passing conversation with the kid – and it turned out that one of the apartments in it was vacant right now. The dad just wanted to get it rented out. Filling up vacancies in December, January and February was difficult no matter how desirable the location. No one wants to move in the cold, wind and slush of a New York City winter – at least not anyone from the city.

He's difficulty moving in tenants had meant that he was considering putting it up as a corporate rental – even though it would likely be disruptive to his other two tenants. It would mean a whole lot more money overall, though. Somehow Will had managed to weasel his way in to get a chance to look at it before he went that route. She suspected he likely played the cancer card and had probably left the open assumption that he'd keep the student on as TA for another year. It'd be a big win for the family – money for the kid's schooling on multiple levels.

She glanced at Noah. He had his little plastic dinosaurs that he'd brought with him to show to the fossils at the museum and he was marching them up and down the banister on the steps.

"Will," she sighed. "I don't know."

"Liv, its vacant. We could be moved in before Christmas even. We could start now." He put his hands on her shoulders. "What's not to like about this place?"

"Well, the price for one," she said. "We're supposed to be looking for something that's cheaper than us renting two places. This is more than what we're paying combined right now. We might as well just keep our condos."

He shook his head at her. "Liv, it's not. This place doesn't have condo fees. That knocks off a bunch a month. We don't even have to get passed a board here to move in. We'd be sharing the utilities – no more doubles of those bills.

"The school," he added, knowing she hated Noah's current school. "It's a great school – less than two blocks from here. A-level rated. Great afterschool programs, you could stop paying for his daycare spot." He'd thought it was ridiculous that she was still paying to hold his daycare spot near her work for if and when he would need afterschool care there again. "They have the Breakfast for Everyone and Meals in School program too. And, I called, they do have one spot in their kindergarten right now – and expect to have another open up for January. We'll be able to get him in there if we move on this."

She was gazing over his shoulder again.

"Parks on both sides of us. The museum. Transit – it's a bit closer to work for both of us – and to the hospital. It's going to take what? Like 20 minutes out of both of our commutes? The amenities around here, we both know they're what every family living in the city wants."

"Will, we really aren't this demographic," she sighed.

"Liv, that's not true. We both know how diverse this community has become. There are thousands of family living here with similar incomes as us and they're making it work. We can too. I'm going to get that raise in January."

"You don't know that for sure," she said.

He nodded. "I will. I've put in the work. I can challenge it if I don't. Look, Liv, if it's the money – we can just put my name on the lease, I don't mind. We'll cover your ass."

She shook her head. "You know that's not happening."

He sighed. "OK, well, then think about it from a larger point of view. We'd be sharing a residence. We could at least start working towards common-law status. That would help us with all the …" he nodded towards Noah, implying the legal dance going on with his father. "Not to mention, common-law would open up doors for insurance and at tax time. That would help the financial situation too. All with out the m-word that we shall not name."

She allowed a small smile and examined her feet again.

Noah looked down at them. "Are we going to live here?" He asked.

Olivia gave him a small smile. "We're talking about it," she told him.

"It has stairs," Noah said, apparently that was the most exciting part for him. He'd run up and down them when they were looking around inside. "It's cool."

Will knew that Olivia had lived in small apartments her whole life so the concept of having more than one floor – however, small and narrow, was foreign to her.

"He likes it," Will nodded towards the boy. "It will be good for him – he'll have some more space."

She sighed. "I don't know. I don't like the layout. I don't like where his room is."

The child's bedroom was on the main level, just off the living room while the master bedroom took up the whole space that that apartment got on the second floor.

"Liv, he's not a baby. If we need to, we'll get a child monitor. But he'll be fine. We'd hear him from the living room. We'd be a flight of stairs away otherwise. It actually might be nice to have some more privacy sometimes."

She was watching her son, who seemed to have made himself right at home playing on the stairs leading to the front door.

"The play space in the basement, the garden," he said. They were both small – extremely modest, but they were there and it was more space for Noah to play, for them to store toys and bikes, for Noah to get some fresh New York air. Maybe they could even get a grill.

"Liv, we aren't ever going to find something like this again in a price range like this. This is a huge favour. There's not going to be a second chance."

He knew she didn't like to make split decisions – especially big ones, especially these days.

"I don't even know anything about the other tenants or … who else is in the area," she said, catching his eyes.

He knew that she wanted to go and run background checks on the other tenants and look in the sex offender registry for people living in the area and to see what the crime rate was for the street. But she also already been told that it was a retired couple that lived in the upper level apartment and a young Wall Street-type living in the lower level, who apparently had a girlfriend coming and going regularly. Neither set of residents sounded very intimidating.

"Liv, I know my background checks wouldn't have been as thorough as your's. But you're just going to have to trust that we wouldn't be standing here if I had come across something that set off my spidey sense. I wouldn't put Noah or you into a dangerous situation, you know that."

Noah was now collecting leaves from around the stairs and making what looked like a nest for his dinosaurs. They watched him for a moment.

She sighed again. "I just don't know."

They both looked up as the front door clicked and the landlord came out.

"Liv?" Will questioned, sensing their window of opportunity rapidly closing.

She just sighed louder and shook her head.

"I could see you all still standing out here," the man said, walking past Noah on the stairs and joining them on the sidewalk in front of the place.

"Look," he said, "I know you see a brownstone in the Upper West Side and you think rich. But that's not the case. This was an investment made by my grandfather and my father inherited and when he passed, I got it. If me and the wife hadn't moved out to the burbs to raise the kids, I honestly think we'd be living here. But, you know, we're settled now, and really it's just that I'm just not ready to cut ties with the place. A lot of family memories here so figured the best I could do was use it to at least help pay for my kids' education. We're just trying to make ends meet the best we can, best way we know how.

"Those are all new appliances in there – the whole kitchen just got renovated too," he told them again. He'd already pointed that out as they looked around. "I'd just bumped up the rent price because of that. I know some of the places around here have gone down a bit over the last while. I was just hoping to get a bit more after putting in the work.

"But Professor McTeague, you know, I really appreciate everything you've done for my son. I know he struggled in his undergrad and you helped him get through and now for him to be working on his masters and for you to take him on as a TA – we just all really appreciate that. You know, it just seems like he keeps getting closer to his dreams and you've really helped him in that. As one father to another, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Truly," he said.

He looked at Olivia, "And, I've got the utmost respect for the NYPD and the work all you do. You folks seem like good people and I can see you're dealing with a lot," he nodded towards Noah. "If it will make your decision easier, I'll knock off $400 a month and I'll have my guy come in and paint the boy's room whatever colour you want." It was a lavender right now – the family that had vacated the unit had had a little girl, apparently Noah's age, according to the landlord.

Will looked at Olivia and raised his eyebrow. "Trust me?" He asked softly.

She looked up at the sky, shaking her head and kicking herself before even saying it. "Don't make me regret this."

He smiled and kissed her forehead. "You won't," he promised and then nodded to the landlord. "OK, where's the dotted line?"


	33. Chapter 33

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

The side of the telephone conversation Elliot had heard had pretty much consisted of "Yeah; yeah; no; yeah, that'd be fine; just here; OK; yeah; OK see you then; yeah; you too." But now Liv was sitting there across from him with a funny little smile on her face as she worked on some paperwork.

She must've sensed he was watching her because she glanced up and seeing his eyes fixed on her gave him a funny look.

"What?" She asked.

"Will call to whisper sweet nothings into your ear?" He teased.

She shook her head – but tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, her favourite thing to do when she was just slightly embarrassed – and looked back down to her work.

"You're just all smiley," Elliot commented and looked back to his own file.

She snorted at him. "Now I'm not allowed to smile."

"I didn't say that," he corrected. "I just said you were smiley. It's nice to see."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Well, thanks El. I'm glad you approve."

"You aren't even going to give me a hint on what makes you blush like that?" He said.

She huffed at him. "Com'on El."

"OK, glow like that?"

"Don't you have work to do?" She asked.

He stood up and went to pour a cup of coffee. "I could use a break. I think I'm going cross-eyed." He brought back a tea to her desk too, and sat back down in his chair, putting his feet up. "So?"

She sighed and bobbed the tea bag around the hot water.

"OK," she said, "Will and I signed a rental agreement on the weekend. He just got called that his credit check went through and we've been approved – so he's going to get the lease paperwork and bring it over for me to sign. The place is vacant, so we should be able to get the keys today too – so he's antsy to get that done."

"So you're moving in together?" Liv nodded. "Wow, big step."

She rolled her eyes a bit. "Yep. It just makes sense – financially, with some of the legal stuff we're dealing with too. It will hopefully make things a bit easier."

"Where's the place?"

She was almost embarrassed to admit it. It was just too ritzy, she felt. Cops weren't really supposed to be living in the Upper West Side – even if they were in a relationship with a university professor.

"West 78th," she said instead. "It's just a two bedroom."

Elliot raised his eyebrow. "Brownstone?" She nodded but didn't respond. "Wow," he said again.

"It's owned by the parents of one of Will's students. He gave us a bit of a break," she didn't know what she didn't want her partner to be thinking but she mostly didn't want him to be judging her.

Elliot was mostly thinking that Will's professor's income must've been a hell of a lot more than he'd even thought about.

"That's pretty exciting," he told her.

She nodded. "It is."

"When will you be moving?"

She shrugged. "We'll probably do it slowly over the next several weeks. Will wants to be in before Christmas – and really, it makes sense to get out of our places as quickly as possible. It doesn't make sense to be paying in three places at once."

"If you need any help …" he offered.

"Thanks, but we'll likely be OK. Will's family …"

He nodded. "OK." He looked back to his paperwork. "Congrats, Liv."

**Unless there's some people really excited about the concept of an American Thanksgiving and/or Christmas chapter(s), this story will be jumping along. So send feedback and I'll consider it.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Rob held out a small container of muffins and what was clearly a pumpkin pie wrapped in tin foil out to her as she opened the door for him. She motioned for him to come in.

"Mom sent these over for you," he said, "didn't think you'd have had time to do any baking with work and the kid." She could see him looking around the apartment. It was in all out chaos as they packed. Boxes were every where, along with piles of things being sorted as keep, trash, donation. "She picked ones that are all hippie-fairy-sticks-and-twigs so you guys should be OK with them. Taste OK, though. My kids haven't noticed they're healthy ones anyways."

She just set it on the counter. "Thanks, that was nice of her."

He just nodded and rocked on the balls of his feet a bit. It was something Will did when he felt uncomfortable and he was trying to make conversation too.

"Will's just doing early story time with Noah," she nodded down the hall. "He'll be done soon, I'm sure."

He nodded but the silence that fell between them felt a little uncomfortable. She'd met Rob enough to know him and to make small talk – but wasn't used to having to hold a conversation with him on her own, however, brief. She saw him looking down the hall to where Will was. From where she was standing she could just see him sitting on the floor and reading to her son.

"Yeah, I'm just, you know, driving Will over."

He clearly wasn't comfortable with the silence either.

"Yeah, he appreciates that. Easier than the ferry or the bus – with his bag and stuff."

He nodded.

"Umm, can I get you something?" She offered. "Coffee? Coke? Water?"

"Nah, nah. I'm sure he'll only be a few minutes anyways," Rob said. He glanced around the apartment again. "So the packing's going, huh?"

She nodded. "Yep. It is. Haven't got as much done in Will's place yet, though."

"Umm, look, Will told me not to bug you about it, but I just wanted you to know that you guys are still invited, if you change your mind or whatever," Rob said, half ways making eye contact with her.

She nodded. "Yeah, no, I appreciate it. But I just think Noah and I are going to do our own thing this year," she said, hoping he'd drop it, though she knew that wasn't really in his personality.

"Yeah, looks like you've got a lot going on," he said.

She sighed and looked back to Will – who was oblivious to the on-goings in the kitchen and smiling about whatever he and Noah now appeared to be chatting about.

"We haven't done something to upset you? It's not the whole cop versus firefighter thing? Or one of us or one of the kids did something or said something? I know Tom can be a bit of an ass. But that's just him, you know. He rubs Will the wrong way all the time too."

She shook her head and held up her hand. "No, Rob, it's nothing like that. Noah and I – we're just used to doing our own thing on holidays and all the family and chaos at your place ... It's just a little much for us right now – and we've got the packing to work on anyways."

He nodded.

"OK. Because we're just trying to get to know you a little better," he said. He could tell she wanted the conversation to end and see her staring down the hall to his little brother. "Look, I know you guys are still … undefined or just friends or fuck buddies or whatever," he said. "None of us will be grilling you about it. We aren't judging."

She gave him a sideways glance, clearly unimpressed. He suspected if Will wasn't there, she'd be throwing him out.

He sighed. "Look, the family, we worry about Will a lot. Worried about him a lot – especially after Tessa. And, Mom with him living in the city alone …" he trailed off a bit. "We worry less now that he's got you guys … to tend to and to watch out for him." That at least got some of her attention. "He's been more himself these last few years – smiles more, laughs more. Just … we see more of our Will then we had for a while there."

He rubbed his thumb against the counter. Fuck her place looked so much nicer than his brother's – considering the places where exactly the same.

"I mean, we've been hearing about you guys for years now. We've met you. Our kids have hung out. But you keep turning down all of our invitations to come spend time with the family," he said. "We've had to drag you both out to the couple you have come to. And were they really that bad when you got there? You seemed like you had an OK time to me."

"Rob…" she started but she just really don't know what to say.

"It just sucks. We want Will home and want to do our little family traditions – especially now with my parents getting older and Dad's Parkinson's, who knows how much longer … Mom wants … needs … us all there. But it really sucks to feel like we're always pulling Will away from his family and to feel like he really wants to be somewhere else."

She looked at him.

"Anyways," he waved his hand. "The invitation is open. You know where to find us. We don't see you … have a nice Thanksgiving." He moved back towards the door. "Just tell Will I'm waiting in the lobby, when he's ready."


	35. Chapter 35

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She looked at the phone and smiled. He'd barely been at his parent's 12 hours – not much more time to have gotten there, slept and gotten back up.

"Hey," she said, answering.

"Hey, I'm just checking in," he said, pressing the phone against his ear and still trying to work through the sink of dishes. "What you guys up to?"

She sat back in her chair and looked across at her son who was happily working his way through a giant Belgian waffle, piled with fruit.

"We are at Chez Cora's," she said.

"Oooh, no – without me?" he sighed.

"Mmm … here, talk to Noah," she said, handing her phone across the table and suddenly questioning what a brilliant plan that was as his sticky hands grabbed it. "Tell Will about your breakfast … and Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving!" he stated happily into the phone.

"Hey Little Man," he smiled. "I hear you're at Cora's without me."

"Yeah," Noah smacked into his ear, now pushing a strawberry into his mouth with his fingers – not trying to handle his fork and the phone.

"What you having?"

"Waffles," he said.

"Waffles? With strawberries?"

"And whip cream."

"You're making me jealous. What's your Mom having?"

"Eggs."

"That's kind of boring."

"Omelet."

"That's a bit more exciting. One of her fancy coffees?"

"Yeah. It's b-i-g."

"Well moms need big coffees on Thanksgiving," he said. "It's a rule. 'Kay you be good to her for the rest of the day and I'll talk to you tonight. Hand me back to her, OK?"

"Yeah."

"Hey."

"Hey," he said again. "Your morning sounds way more exciting than mine so far."

She smiled. "Why? What are you up to?"

"I am doing dishes."

She laughed. "That's a good start to the day."

"Tell me about it," he turned his head a bit knowing his mother was still lurking within earshot. "I'm missing you guys."

She smiled softly. "We miss you too." There was a pause and she could hear him sloshing around in the sink. "What are you plans for the rest of the day?"

"Umm. Well, I am going to finish up here and then help Mom with getting some stuff ready. Then I'm gong to go to the kids' Thanksgiving pageant thing, which I'm sure will be epically entertaining. Then come back and help get ready more. So basically drink as much as possible – avoid people by going downstairs to watch movies with the kids rather than football with my brothers. Stuff my face full of turkey. Then I get to go outside and play football. I will likely get tackled and I will likely puke – and after that I'll likely be forced to ingest more alcohol. But hopefully after that I might get to sleep and then convince someone to drive me home tomorrow afternoon."

"Sounds like a busy day," she snorted.

"Yeah, you have no idea," he looked again and caught his mother eavesdropping. She turned away as he caught her eye. "What about you guys? You decided what you going to do with the rest of today?"

"Yeah, I have been thinking about it," she said. "A lot." She heard him make his listening sounds into the phone as the water splashed around some more. "You want to cut back on some of your busy schedule and come and get us?"

She didn't hear the water now.

He looked over his shoulder. His mom was still hovering in the next room. "You want to come over?" he tried to say a bit more quietly.

She wasn't sure that wanting to go over there was exactly it.

"I want to spend Thanksgiving with you," she said instead. "I want Noah to get to spend Thanksgiving with both of us."

She heard him fumbling a bit on the other end. "Well, yeah, that's not a problem. I can borrow one of my brothers' cars and come back and pick you guys up. How about in like two hours?"

"Yeah, that's perfect."

"Umm, OK. Well, I'll see you then."

"Yep." She hung up and smiled at Noah, still working on his breakfast.

His mother was standing in the kitchen door now.

"Liv and Noah are going to come over," he told her. "For the day – and for the night, I think."


	36. Chapter 36

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He nudged her. "Liv, I've got to go take a leak," he mumbled so badly that it took a few seconds for it to even click what he'd said.

She stirred and sat up from where she'd been laying almost on top of him on the couch so he could extract himself. She wasn't sure how long they'd been laying there in the dark, the room lit up by only the lights on the Christmas tree in the corner and the idiotic Yuletide log channel that they'd left on on the television. They hadn't been talking at all. They'd just been sharing space – and it had been nice.

He sat on the couch for a moment after he'd swung his feet to the floor and rubbed at his temples with the heels of his hands.

"You OK?" she asked.

He made a noise that vaguely resembled "yeah" and stood up. He staggered a bit with his first couple steps, as he padded down the hallway.

They'd both been drinking – but she suspected he'd just about crossed over into the too much realm.

They'd managed to talk their way out of having to stay overnight at his parents' place but they had gone over for a few hours in the afternoon for their big Christmas Eve open house. She didn't like going to his family stuff – especially since she'd already just endured their version of Thanksgiving. It wasn't that she didn't like his family. For the most part, they were very nice people – well-meaning. She just wasn't used to a big, rowdy family and she found it challenging in a lot of ways. Will's discomfort with spending extended amounts of time with them didn't really help the situation either. But she was coming to accept that part of being with Will was gritting her teeth and bearing it when it came to some of his family functions. It wasn't so bad – and she supposed it was nice in a way for Noah to feel like he had people in his life who resembled grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. Or at least the closest he would ever get likely.

But there'd been so many people in and out of the small house that day - and Will's parents seemed bound and determined that everyone got introduced to everyone. It'd been a little awkward. She'd almost felt like she was on display. She went between feeling like it was a jab at Will - a "look what he ended up with" and "how did he manage to snag a woman like that" – and, like she was some how being compared against Tessa. She told herself that she was being self-conscious and insecure thinking that – and Will had assured her that most of the people there wouldn't have even ever met his dead wife. But, still she didn't much like being labeled as "Will's friend, Olivia." She didn't know what she wanted to be introduced as but that just didn't seem to capture what they were – not at all. Though, she supposed she would've hated being introduced as his partner or girlfriend too. She didn't know what title she would've preferred. Was there even an appropriate label for them anymore?

Despite her own discomfort with the afternoon, Will had seemed to fare far worst and he'd increased his alcohol intake – partially trying to keep up with his brothers, she thought, but also just trying to relax. He wasn't much of a drinker, and really, even a couple probably would've had an affect on him. He'd had way more than a couple.

He wandered back from the bathroom. "Do you want another?" He nodded to where her empty glass of Baileys was.

She shook her head. "No, and you don't need anymore either," she chastised. "Come sit down. I'll get you a glass of water. We don't need you hung over tomorrow."

They had to get through Noah's Christmas crazies in the morning and then had agreed they'd head back to the Island in the early afternoon for Christmas dinner there. It was going to be a long day.

He made an unimpressed sound but complied, flopping back into the corner of the couch. She rubbed his arm.

"Eat some of that," she almost demanded, nodding towards the plate of little hors d'oeuvres and cheese and crackers that his mother had sent home with them. They'd been picking at it but there were still a lot left. They were already starting to get a little soggy, if they didn't finish them tonight, they'd get dumped in the trash. He leaned forward and picked up a pot-sticker. He turned it around in his hand like he was considering if he really wanted to eat it but then shoved the whole thing in his mouth at once.

She gave his temple a kiss as he chewed away and headed into the kitchen. She found some raisin bread in the freezer and popped it into the toaster and then poured him a big glass of cold water from the pitcher in the fridge. He was still eating the snacks off the plate when she went back into the living room. She handed him the toast and water.

"Thanks," he said and leaned back into the couch again. She sat next to him while he silently ate the toast and sipped at the water.

"Did you notice the time when you were in there?" He finally asked between bites.

"Mmm, it's just after midnight," she said. They'd apparently been laying on the couch, silently filling space with each other for more than two hours.

"Think Santa should come soon? He looked pretty asleep while I was down there," he said, nodding down the narrow hallway where the bathroom and her son's room were.

She nodded. "Yeah, I guess we should put the stuff out and try to get a couple hours ourselves too."

Neither of them moved, though.

She was still impressed that they'd managed to get moved and basically unpacked before Christmas – especially since Noah had been in the hospital for part of the month. And, they weren't just unpacked, they had the place looking downright Christmas-y. The tree was up and little decorations where here and there on the main floor. They'd gotten the presents wrapped and under the tree. And, Will had rigged up some temporary hooks to hang stockings along the one wall. It was way more organized than what she would've managed to do for Noah in the past. She always tried to make Christmas nice for her son but inevitably things would end up being dealt with at the last minute. On previous Christmas Eves she would've still been up wrapping presents.

It felt a little strange for her to look around their new place. It already looked so lived in and so much like a home – and they'd really only been in it a few weeks. If anyone had told her that she'd become good friends with the quirky, awkward, shy guy who lived next door to her, she'd probably have laughed it off. To think that she was now living with him and fucking him, well that she wouldn't have ever believed. Yet here they were – and it felt strangely normal most of the time.

She watched him chewing on his toast. He was taking a bite and then almost contemplating the bread between each chew.

"Are you going to be OK?" She asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

"You're sure?"

He gave her a smile and gave her a small, crumby peck on her cheek. She wiped away at it, getting some of the crumbs he'd deposited on her cheek on her hand. "Stop worrying," he told her.

She let him keep eating.

"Where's Santa's cookies?" He asked kind of out of nowhere. "I'll eat some of them too."

"I put them back in the kitchen."

He grunted and got up. She heard him banging around in there and he came back with the plate containing four cookies and a glass of egg nog.

"You think egg nog is a good idea?" She asked, thinking he was acting like he was starving and making kind of poor food choice combinations.

He shrugged. "Yeah. You don't?"

"I wouldn't drink that on a stomach full of booze," she wrinkled her nose, imagining what that would be like if he did end up spending some quality time hanging over the throne.

He looked at the glass like he was thinking about it, but shrugged and took a drink from the glass anyways. She shook her head. Whatever, she thought.

He held the plate out to her. "No thanks."

He picked a cookie and put the plate on the table. "So what's the deal? Do I get to eat all of it or do I have to leave it half eaten?"

"I usually just take them off the plate and put them back in the tin," she said.

"That's cheating Santa. He left them out just for you," he teased her.

She leaned against him while he ate. He smelled good. She could faintly smell his cologne he'd put on for going to his family's big function and it mingled with Baileys, egg nog, cookies and the cinnamon candles they'd had going earlier.

"This is nice," she said after a while.

She could feel him glance at her. "What is?"

She gestured to the room. "Just all of this, all of it. This."

"Mmm," he sort of agreed. "Yeah."

She'd never gotten to spend Christmas with Will before. He'd always been obliged to spend it over at his parents' taking part in all the activities there.

"It's way quieter than what I'm used to," he said. "It's nice. Being with you and Noah. I like it."

She smiled but didn't look at him. She nodded a bit.

They'd let Noah open two presents earlier in the evening. A new pair of pajamas and a new storytime book. It had at least lured him to the bedroom. He didn't exactly fall asleep after they'd gotten him in there but it was a starting point. Despite everything he'd been through, her son was right at the peak of believing in the Christmas magic. She knew that that wouldn't last much longer. Maybe one more Christmas – two if she was really lucky, but she suspected her son wouldn't be that naïve. She was glad they were getting to spend that Christmas together – as a family, or something like that.

"So what do you say Mrs. Claus? Should we go and do our duty and then hit the sack?"

She smiled up at him. "In a few minutes. I just want to sit here a while longer."

He nodded. "OK," he kissed the top of her head and pulled her a little closer and tighter to him. It only made her snuggle into him more, curling her legs up and under her onto the couch.

"What a fucking year, eh?" She said softly after a while.

"Mmm," he nodded against her. "Take the good with the bad, though," he said. "I can think of a lot of goods too."

"Yeah," she agreed, as he rubbed her arm and kissed her forehead again. She looked up a him from where she was resting her head against his chest. "You know I love you, right?"

She felt one of his silent chuckles vibrate against her ear – but he gave her a small smile and his face seemed to light up, not just with how the twinkling Christmas tree lights were dancing across it.

"I'd kind of figured it out," he told her. "But thanks for verbalizing it." He bent down a kissed her lips. "I love you too," he told her as they broke off.

She put her ear back against his heart and wrapped her arms around him a bit tighter. He was rubbing his hand up and down her back.

"I think I love this house too," she said.

Now he laughed out loud. "OK, I'm glad to hear that too," he said.

"We're ridiculous," she muttered.

"Mmm, yeah," he agreed, he was tracing his fingers up her spine now. It kind of tickled. "That's OK. It works for us."


	37. Chapter 37

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah was holding onto Elliot's hand in a death grip and fidgeting nervously.

Somehow it'd been Elliot who'd been asked to bring Noah to the interview with the child mediator for Liv's continued legal battles with his biological father. It was supposed to be a neutral party that brought the boy to the interview and he wasn't quite sure that he fit that description. But apparently everyone had agreed he was suitable. Beyond that Olivia wouldn't have allowed just anyone to truck her son around. He knew she was likely back at the office stressing out and fidgeting even more than Noah was next to him.

The door in front of them opened and a mousey woman, likely in her mid-30s, walked out.

"Hi Noah, I'm Anna. We're going to be talking today," she smiled at the little boy. "You can come in with me now, if you want."

Elliot gently extracted his hand from Noah's and patted him on the back. "OK, Noah, I'll be waiting right here for you."

The boy looked at him with big eyes that suddenly started to look glassy. "You aren't coming? Elliot come," he said.

He shook his head. "Nope, we all talked about this. Remember? I need to wait here. I'll be right here when you get back."

The woman held out her hand. "It's OK, Noah," she said. "Your mom told me that you really like to colour and play Legos. I've got both in my office. Do you want to come see and we'll talk a bit?"

He looked at Elliot again – and he nodded towards the woman and the door.

"I'll tell you what," the woman offered. "If you don't like talking, you can come right back out and see Elliot."

Noah cautiously got up from the bench they were sitting on and followed her into the bright room. She guided him to a little table where she had some construction paper, scissors, a glue stick and markers laid out. She went to a shelf and brought back a container with Lego in it and put it on the table as well.

"What do you think?" she asked. "Should we do some art or some Lego?"

He was already digging into the bin with the blocks in it and putting some pieces together. She joined him.

"I think I'm going to make a car," she said. "What are you making, Noah?" He didn't respond. "Well, your mom told me that you really like Star Wars and everything to do with space. So I'm going to bet you're making a space ship."

Noah glanced at her and nodded.

"You know, your mom has told me lots about you," she said and he tried to glance at her again without making eye contact. "She says you're a really neat little boy. Very smart and very creative. She says you're pretty stubborn too. That couldn't be true, could it?"

He shrugged.

"Well, I bet I know where you get that from. I think your mom might be a little stubborn too, right?"

He nodded.

"Can you tell me some other things about your mom, Noah?" She asked. "What do you like about your mom?"

He shrugged again.

"Oh com'on now. There must be something. Do you have a favourite food she makes just for you?"

He thought about it. "Quesadillas."

"Quesadillas, huh? What kind?"

"Cheese and beans and salsa and gauc," he said. "Some times chicken."

"Those do sound pretty good," she agreed. "What else does she do that you like?"

"Games but she is not very good," he told her.

"Do you always win?" She asked. He nodded. "Do you think maybe she lets you win?"

He shrugged.

"She does good bedtime," he offered.

"Oh yeah? What's so special about that?"

"She gives good hugs and tucks me in right with the blankets. Will just pulls them up."

"Well, I'd say tucking you in right is pretty important," she agreed. "What about Will? Can you tell me a bit more about Will?"

He shrugged.

"Do you remember how long you've known Will?"

He just shrugged. "Always."

"Always?"

He nodded.

"So you don't remember a time you didn't know Will?" He nodded. "That sounds like a pretty long time then. You must've met Will when you were pretty little then."

"Mommy says I was two."

"Two? That's pretty little."

He nodded again.

"Well what sort of things do you like about Will?"

"He plays really good."

"What sorts of things do you play together?" She asked.

"Star Wars, cars, super heroes."

"That's a lot," Anna said. "What makes how he plays so good?"

"He knows lots of things and he does voices. He does voices at stories too. It is very funny."

"Very funny, eh?"

Noah almost giggled thinking about it – but just nodded.

"Is there anything that Will ever does that makes you upset?"

"Some times he tells me to go to the time out spot or to my room or tells me I have to take a nap."

"Does he do those things when you've done something wrong?"

He shrugged.

"Does your mom do things that make you upset?"

"The same but she uses her angry voice," he said. "Some times she is grouchy after work and some times she takes forever to come home."

"You don't like when your mom goes to work?"

He shook his head. "It makes her sad."

"What about it do you think makes her sad?"

"She has to catch bad guys who hurt people and some times that is sad because some times they hurt kids like me and she doesn't like that," he told her, clearly regurgitating something that had been explained to him on some level.

"You don't like when she's sad, do you?"

He shook his head.

"I think you make your mom pretty happy, though."

He shrugged.

"Your mom told me you're sick right now, Noah," she said – not that she needed to be told, looking at the boy it was obvious. He was puffy looking but his eyes were sunken into his pale, waxy looking skin on a face that was framed by a fuzzy mess of dead-looking hair on his mostly bald head.

"Leukemia," he stated almost too matter-of-factly for a child his age.

"Can you tell me a bit about what your mom does to help take care of you right now?"

"She comes to the hospital," he said, "and she makes me eat. Sometimes she brings me candy or she gets me ice."

"That sounds really helpful," she agreed.

"She is good at doing puzzles at chemo and she picks good movies and good books to read. She is good to sit on."

"You like sitting with your mom at the hospital? On her lap?" He nodded. "Does Will ever go with you to the hospital?"

He nodded. "All the time."

"Is there anything else that Will's been doing to help you while you're sick?"

He thought about it. "He carries me when I'm tired."

"Yeah? What else?"

"Hmm. He makes mom not yell at the doctors so much."

She gave him a small smile.

"Does your mom fight with the doctors?"

He nodded and went back to putting together his spaceship – that really was looking more like a box.

"I'm sure your mom is a little stressed about you being sick, don't you think? I better some times you feel a little stressed and scared too? Is there something your mom could be doing to make it easier for you?"

"I like when Mommy is silly not when she's sad," he said.

"You think your mommy is sad about you being sick?"

He nodded.

"What do you think she could do to be happier?"

"Be less sad," he suggested.

She let him work on his Legos for a few minutes.

"Noah, you know that I'm talking to you because your mommy is having some meetings with lawyers about you, right?"

He nodded.

"Is it OK if I ask you a few questions about that?"

She got a shrug.

"Noah, has your mommy ever talked to you about your dad?"

He nodded.

"Yeah? What'd she tell you?"

"That she made me with a friend – but they aren't friends anymore. He wasn't excited to have a baby but she was."

She allowed him a small smile.

"Have you ever met your dad, Noah?"

He shook his head no.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded.

"Do you think you'd want to meet your dad?"

He glanced up at her, clearly kind of absorbing that.

"Well, Will is kind of like my daddy," he told her. "He does daddy-things."

She nodded. "But, you could maybe still meet your dad some day, don't you think?"

He scrunched up his face. "Would Will still do daddy-things then?"

"Hmm. Likely," she allowed.

His eyes said he didn't like that answer but he broke eye contact and went back to the blocks.

"Will's like my daddy now," he said.

"Do you call Will daddy, Noah?"

He shook his head.

"Why not?"

"Because he's Will."

She smiled. "That is his name, isn't it?"

He nodded.

"Does it bother you that you don't know your real dad?" She asked.

"But Will is like a real dad," Noah protested a little loudly. "Better, Mommy says – and he has the blue badge."

"What's a blue badge, Noah?"

"It's what the daddies get at the hospital and Will has mine."

"So you think that makes him like your dad?"

"And he does daddy-things," he added.

"Can you tell me some of those daddy-things?" She asked.

"He plays and he takes me to the park and we go swimming and he makes grilled cheese and he turns on the shower so it's not too hot and he gives hugs and he knows lots about Star Wars and Batman."

"That's a pretty good list," she allowed.

Noah nodded.

"You know, Noah, some times judges and lawyers can agree to make someone a real daddy even if they aren't the person that made the baby with the mommy. Do you think that's something you might like for Will?"

Noah looked at her wide-eyed. He was trying to absorb that.

"Then he'd be my real real daddy and not just like a daddy?"

She nodded.

He looked back down to his blocks. "OK," he agreed.

"It might mean that you wouldn't ever really get to know your real dad, though – the one that made you with your mommy. Is that OK?"

He shrugged.

"Do you think you might want to have a chance to meet and play with your real dad some time?"

He shrugged.

"You're allowed to say yes or no, Noah," she assured him. "No one will be upset with you."

"Mommy says he didn't want to be a real daddy," Noah said softly.

She nodded. "But just because your mommy doesn't think she can be friends with him anymore doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to be friends with him," she told him. "Do you think you might want to be friends with him?"

Noah shrugged. "I'm not really supposed to play with strangers."

She watched the boy for a few minutes more.

"OK, Noah, that's all the questions I have right now. But we may talk again another time. I'm going to talk to your mommy a bit about what we talked about. Is that OK with you?"

He nodded.

"Are there any questions you want to ask me? Or anything you want me to tell your mommy for you?"

"To not be sad," he said.

She nodded. "OK, I can do that. Anything else?"

He shook his head.

"OK, well, let's go see if we can find Elliot for you so you can get back to your mommy."


	38. Chapter 38

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"FUCK."

She slammed her phone down loudly enough that almost the whole bullpen glanced up from what they were doing to see what the commotion was.

Elliot gazed at her from his desk. "Everything alright?"

"I can't fucking do this anymore," she said. She was gathering her things. "I'm going home."

He got up and followed her as she headed out of their area and pushed the button on the notoriously slow elevator.

He caught up to her, as she was still standing there and fuming.

"Seriously, Liv, is everything alright?"

"I'm fine," she spat and pushed the button again.

"You don't seem fine," he said. "You know everyone in there is on your side. But we can't really help you, if you don't tell us what's up."

"How do you fucking do this job with kids?" She fumed at him.

He glazed at her, sighed, and examined his feet for a second. "Well, you've been doing it for five years with a kid now, Liv."

"It's different now," she said, anger just streaming off of her. "Just dealing with all this … bullshit. All these assholes destroying these perfectly healthy, beautiful children. We just deal with darkness and despair and all this fucked up shit every fucking day. I just don't know how much longer I can do this."

He looked at her again. "What does that mean?"

"You know what it means, Elliot."

"Liv, com'on. I know it's a rough case but …"

"It's not just this case, El. It's all of it. To be around all of this. I know what it does to me – what it's done to me. To deal with that and then to go home to my son. I just don't know how to do that anymore. There's more important things then this. I didn't use to feel that way – but now … with Noah sick …" she shook her head.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened.

"Com'on, Liv," he said. "Finish out the day. We'll go talk after. I'll buy you supper."

She shook her head. "I just want to get home and see my kid. I'll see you on Thursday."

The doors closed. He stood staring at them for a moment and sighed.

He knew his partner was struggling – but he hadn't truly considered that she might be thinking about leaving SVU. He wasn't sure he could imagine her doing anything else.

He'd thought about leaving himself over the years – regularly. He'd thought about it more regularly since Eli was born and wanting to be a better and more present father for him than he had been to his other children. So he understood where Olivia was coming from. He just wished he could make it easier for her.

He went back to his desk. Cragen had come out to see what the yelling was about.

"Olivia leave?"

"Ah, yeah, Noah stuff," he just said.

Cragen nodded. He suspected it was more than that – but left it there for now.

He was going to have to talk to her. Her hours in the office were becoming spotty at best these days and HR and management were breathing down his neck to try to come up with a more concrete plan for her future and her role in SVU, and the force in general, now that Noah was out of the think of it. It wasn't a conversation that he was looking forward to having.

Even though he knew her son was hopefully past the worst of it in his treatment, the process was far from over. He knew Olivia was still just holding on by a string. She seemed so frazzled and tired when she was in. Most of the time it was clear she'd really prefer to be with her boy and not at the 1-6. The distraction of it all had forced him to leave her riding the desk most of the time, even though he knew she'd prefer to be phasing more back into the field at this point. But he just couldn't do that yet. Not in her state of mind.

He had relented and sent her out on a case late last week. It seemed like it was going to be a rarely simple open-and-shut scenario of familial abuse – but, of course, it hadn't really played out that way and had become more complicated. She wasn't dealing with it very well. She'd been agitated and down-right moody with other detectives about it. It was clear that she likely wasn't ready to be off the paperwork and to have a caseload dedicated to her yet. He'd made a poor choice in handing this one to her, he admitted.

"Did she say when she'll be back in?" He asked Elliot.

"Thursday."

He'd meant if she was coming back that day, but he just nodded. "OK," he said and wandered back towards his office.


	39. Chapter 39

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She could smell the start of dinner on as soon as she got in the door and hear the television going. After taking off her coat, she walked towards the back of their brownstone apartment. She found her son sitting on the couch, engrossed in what looked like an old episode of Spiderman, that she assumed Will had picked for him on Netflix.

She rubbed her hand through the fuzzy mess that was his hair trying to grow back. They hadn't been able to decide if they should let it grow back in as much as it could or if they should just keep it shaved until he was done treatment. Noah seemed to be favouring letting it try to grow back, though. It looked awful but she liked seeing that it could grow back – and it was so soft.

"Hey," she smiled. He barely looked at her, batting her hand away so he could see his show. "How was school?"

"Mom," he whined. "I can't see."

She sighed and walked to the kitchen.

Will looked up. "Hey, you're home early. Things won't be ready for a while. We just got in too."

She nodded and walked over to where he was dicing some chicken, which she assumed was going to land in the pan where onions and garlic were already simmering in some oil. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on the back of his shoulder. He accepted the hug and her warmth.

"What's this?" He smiled. She wasn't usually quiet as overtly touchy-feely.

"Just thanks for being such a good guy," she told him softly.

"You're welcome … I think."

She let go and leaned against the counter watching him.

"What you making?" She asked.

"Just quick and easy, lazy man's ziti."

She nodded. "The onions and garlic smelled good coming in the door. You need some help?"

"Hmm, I guess you could turn on the stove to get the water started boiling," he said.

She smiled. "I think I can handle that."

She after she'd twisted the knob to ignite the gas burner that the pot full of salted water was sitting on, she stood watching him again for a moment.

"Anything else or is it OK if I go and sit with Noah until dinner?" She asked when he hadn't said any more.

He nodded his chin towards the door. "I'm OK, go."

She smiled softly and took a wedge of tomato from where he had them and some other veggies waiting to be tossed into a salad.

She went and sat next to her son, pulling him towards her so he'd cuddle. He resisted at first but then settled against her, silently watching his show. She just kept playing with his fragile hair. Watching him more than looking at the television.


	40. Chapter 40

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He gave her two quick kisses and then flopped down next to her, still breathing heavily.

She almost immediately snuggled closer to him, resting her head against his chest where his heart was pounding. He wrapped his one arm around her shoulder, holding her against him.

"That was really good," she told him. He could still feel her chest heaving against his side too.

He smiled. "Hell, yeah," he agreed, trying to catch his breath.

He had learned over the past several months that some times when she dealt with a bad case, she just didn't want to be touched by him at all. He'd also come to realize she some times needed intimacy to mean he was willing to stop before they got to the actual sex part. It was like some times she needed proof that he was willing to respect her boundaries and he'd stop when she told him to – that he cared and loved her enough to do that and still stick around. It wasn't always like that, though. There were times when she got home from going into the office, he could tell she needed him more than usual. That she clearly wanted him to prove to her he was caring and able to touch her gently and lovingly.

That night had been one of the slow sex nights – lovemaking. It was something they didn't do that often. They more often fucked or just had sex for the sake of having sex. He supposed they were often too tired for anything other than just plain old sex- if they even had energy left for that. Alternatively, they were too angry and frustrated with everything going on around them to want to do anything that wasn't pounding out a quick fuck.

Some times it really seemed they were better at extremes in their lives than they were at middle grounds. He supposed that was kind of playing true in the bedroom too. But it meant that when they did slow it down and turned it into making love, rather than just taking care of each other's needs as quickly as possible, it stood out. He really preferred to make love to her.

It was quiet. As his own breathing and heart rate calmed, he started to wonder if she'd drifted off but felt her hand begin to make small circles just above his navel.

"I love you," she said almost quietly enough he wasn't sure she'd spoken. It was a phrase she was cautiously telling him more often – but still judiciously.

He kissed the top of her head. "I love you too," he reassured her. He felt her shift a little against him and he held her a bit closer.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. He knew something bad must've happened at work that day.

She shook her head against him but said, "It was a little boy. He reminded me a lot of Noah."

It was something he'd hope she'd be able to avoid as long as possible. He was uncomfortable enough with her dealing with the adult victims these days. Her dealing with kids, with all the mental and emotional anguish she was trying to cope with with Noah these days – it just seemed like too much. He'd hoped that the powers-that-be at work would've seen it that way too. But he supposed she could only be sheltered from her work responsibilities for so long – no matter how much he hated her having to be exposed to that stuff right now.

"What happened to him?" He asked.

She sighed and he felt her shift again. He could feel something wet on his chest and realized her was crying.

"They found him down an alley in his underwear. His uncle, his babysitter while his mom is on night shift, it looks like he's been abusing him. And this little eight-year-old boy works up the courage to run away and ends up spending a night in an alley and it takes hours for anyone in this fucking city to even notice him – a child, in his underwear, alone on the streets in the middle of the night. How fucked up is that? This fucking place."

It was quiet again.

"He is just covered in bruises – not new. Been going on a long time. Medical examiner said there's evidence of months of abuse just looking at him and they're still waiting for xrays to come back – it could show years of abuse. And when the mother finally comes in, she's more concerned about telling us it isn't her boyfriend who is doing it. She was so oddly adamant about it, we have to re-question this little boy to see if there's two abusers."

He rubbed her shoulders harder, not knowing what to say and knowing that when Liv did let him hear about her cases, she usually just wanted him to listen. She didn't want him to try to provide any sort of rationalization while he tried to make her feel better.

He fucking hated her job.

"It just makes me want to not let Noah out of my sight."

There was another long pause.

"It makes me want to get out of this city."

"Bad stuff happens everywhere," he told her. "We both know that."

She nodded against him. "Sometimes I just hate this place."


	41. Chapter 41

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Olivia," Cragen called and waved her towards his office as soon as he saw her come in and put her coat over the back of her chair, and unwrapping her scarf from around her neck while making some sort of comment to Elliot. At least she was smiling, he thought. But he doubted that was going to last long after he talked with her.

She wandered over.

"Hey, Captain, I'm sorry I'm running late," she said, talking with her hands. "I had to take Noah in for his weekly labs before school and they were just really backed up there so it took longer than usual."

"It's OK," he said. "Close the door. Sit."

She looked at him funny but half-ways complied – and pulled the door shut behind her.

"I have a feeling I don't want to be sitting," she said.

He sighed.

"How's Noah doing lately?"

"Fine," she said, crossing her arms.

"And how are you doing these days?"

"I'm OK too."

He nodded and looked down at his desk. "Sit down, Olivia."

"Do I need to call my union rep for this conversation?" She asked.

He shook his head. "This is just us talking. It's nothing official."

She looked at him hard and slowly moved towards the chair, lowering herself into it and defensively re-crossing her arms.

He looked at her again. The smile she had on her face when she'd walked into the office was definitely gone at this point.

"How are you really doing, Olivia?"

"I'm really fine," she said with a slight edge to her voice.

"Your hours haven't been as consistent lately," he told her.

"If you want me here more, you just have to say so," she said. "I'll make the necessary arrangements."

He sighed. "Olivia, we're at the point where I have people asking me about how we're going to start phasing you back into full-time work – and I don't think you're ready for that. I think you're pretty far from being ready for that right now. I've seen you struggling out there."

She looked at him.

"I'm working the cases I'm being assigned. I'm canvassing where I'm asked. I'm doing the brunt of everyone's paperwork. I'm doing what's being asked of me – and getting it done in a timely manner."

"You are," he agreed. "But it's affecting you."

"It has always affected me," she said slowly and some what harshly. "These cases affect all of us."

"I just think maybe you should take some time to re-group and think about some things," he told her.

"Take some time?" She almost spat.

"You have those banked days – you've still be accruing vacation days during all of this. You should take some of them. Go spend some time with Noah – and Will. Don't worry about juggling him and work for a couple weeks. Re-group, think."

She glared at him. "What exactly am I supposed to be thinking about?"

He sighed. "Maybe SVU isn't the best place for you anymore – or at least right now. I've seen how you've been reacting to some of the casework. I've overheard some of your comments. Maybe somewhere else would be better suited for you at the moment – until Noah is better. There's an opening back in Computer Crimes again, I think."

She was gaping at him. "Is that all?"

He nodded but she was already standing and had her hand on the doorknob. "Olivia, please just think about it," he said. "At least take the time off. Don't make me have to turn this into an official conversation and order."

She nodded but stormed out of the room.

Elliot watched her come back to her desk.

"What was that?" He asked.

"Nothing," she said in a voice that betrayed her. She grabbed her notebook and shoved it into her pocket. "You going to come with me to the children's shelter or not?"

He nodded. "OK."

He grabbed his jacket and toque. She was already out the door and at the elevator, impatiently pushing at the down button.


	42. Chapter 42

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She glanced at him from where she was curled the couch. The television was going so quietly he could hardly hear it.

"Sorry," she told him. "I was trying to be quiet."

"It's OK, I wasn't really sleeping either." He sat down next to her and pulled her feet onto his lap and started to rub them. They were cold.

She let him but kept watching what looked like Sleepless in Seattle on the screen. Some times she was such a girl.

"Appropriate but awful movie," he commented.

"I don't make fun of your shows."

"We both know that's not true," he said.

She just snorted and kept watching her movie.

"I was thinking about what your Captain said," he broached after a couple minutes of massaging her feet and sitting in silence. "Maybe we really should take a holiday."

She gave him a look – there was disapproval to it.

"The Police Family Fund still has that offer to let you use that timeshare."

She shook her head. "I'm not going to take a hand-out from the fund."

"Liv," he sighed. "It's not a hand-out. It's there for families dealing with this kind of stuff. We've dealt with so much. It's been almost a year. He's doing OK. His doctors even said he's at the point that we could think about doing something like this."

"No, Will," she said sternly and pulled her feet away from him.

He leaned back into the couch and stared at her for a while. She pretended she was still watching the movie and not just sitting there fuming at him.

"It could be fun," he offered. "When have you ever been on vacation with Noah?"

He knew she'd never really been on vacation. She rarely took her holidays – even after having Noah. She thought of taking him out to Staten Island to see his parents as a big getaway and getting "out of the city". It was kind of ridiculous. He thought he remembered her once mentioning that she'd been invited out to some friend of a friend's beach house in the Hamptons a few years ago and had gone out there for a weekend with Noah. But that was about as close to a holiday get-away as she had ever gotten on – at least with her son. He didn't think she'd really gone anywhere on her own since likely when she was university, and definitely not since she began working with the NYPD.

"I think it would be good for Noah too," he added when she hadn't responded.

She glared at him. "Will, drop it."

He sighed. "Why don't you just think about it for a while before completely ruling it out?"

She got up. "What is with everyone telling me to think about things today? There is nothing to think about. All I ever do it think about this shit. Everything is under control," she fumed. "I don't need a fucking holiday. I don't need a fucking transfer. And, I don't need the whole fucking world telling me what they think is best for me – or my son, right now."

She stormed towards the stairs but then glanced back at him. "Don't you dare follow me to try to push this more. You can come up to sleep or you can keep your ass on that couch."


	43. Chapter 43

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She looked up from the paper-bag puppets her and Noah were working on at the dining room table when she heard the front door push open and Will came in in his running clothes.

He hadn't come up to bed after their argument the night before and in the morning, he'd only spoken to her to excuse himself a couple times as he maneuvered around her in the kitchen while making his breakfast.

She'd stayed home for the day after her chat with Cragen the day before. Noah was at school and she could've gone in, at least for part of the day, but instead she'd spent it cleaning and doing laundry – just generally trying to create some sort of order around her.

After she'd picked Noah up from his school, she'd taken him to the park, trying to distract herself from herself for a while. When they'd gotten back there was clear evidence that Will had been home from work – some of his papers were sitting on the little bench in the front hall and his messenger bag was in a pile under it. But he wasn't around. She had figured he was exercising. He always put in extra time and miles when he was worked up about something.

She watched as he kicked his runners off in the front hall in the way she hated. Knocking them off his feet so the toes of the soles hit against the wall – sometimes leaving a mark – and then leaving them in an untended pile on the floor. She wondered if he was purposely doing it that day to piss her off. He didn't even bend down to at least turn them upright like he usually did– he just left them where they landed.

He didn't make eye contact with her as he walked down the hall, even though she knew he could clearly see her looking at him and must've heard her say, "Hi."

"Hey, Noah," he greeted, again ignoring her.

"We're making puppets," Noah called at him excitedly. "Mine's a dragon."

"Oh yeah?" He said from the bottom of the stairs, his foot already mounting the first one. "That sounds pretty fun. I'll come check it out after my shower."

He disappeared up the stairs and she heard the shower turn on above them.

She sighed and looked back to her son. He was completely absorbed in scribbling with his blue marker all over the bag. She tried to turn her attention back to cutting out of construction paper the pointy teeth and horns he'd requested.

When she heard the water stop running, she ran her hand down Noah's head.

"You keep working on this, sweets," she told him. "I'm just going to talk to Will for a few minutes."

He hardly even acknowledged she'd spoken. He had his tongue partly hanging out of his mouth as he attempted to draw something that looked like it might be scales across the dragon's belly.

When she got upstairs Will still had the bathroom door closed. She sat on the bed and put an envelop she'd brought up with her next to her. He'd left it in the front hall on the stool. She wasn't sure if he'd put it there to make sure she'd see it or not. It was clearly an internal mailing that he'd brought home from the office – not something that had arrived in their mailbox.

He glanced at her when he came out of the bathroom, the steam trailing out with him. He only had a towel wrapped around his waist and was still scrubbing at his hair with another towel. He didn't say anything to her and just headed for their set of drawers – opening the top one and tossing a pair of briefs on the bed next to her, followed by a pair of socks. He closed the drawer hard and yanked the third one down, now tossing a pair of jeans that almost landed on her lap. She grabbed at them as they nearly slipped to the floor and placed them on top of the rest of the clean clothes.

He stood down the bed from her and dropped his towel. She averted her eyes, feeling strange looking at him at all right now with the tension that was clearly pouring off of him. He grabbed the briefs and pulled them up and then sat on the bed to put on the socks.

"I saw this in the front hallway," she said, putting her hand on the envelop next to her.

He glanced at it but didn't say anything.

"Is it the report from your academic review?"

"Likely," he said, now standing to put his jeans on.

"Have you looked at it yet?"

"No." He moved over to his closet, rooting through his pile of tshirts on the top shelf.

"Are you going to?"

"Eventually."

She looked at the floor. She knew he had been waiting for the review to come back for weeks – so he could find out if he was moving up in his career and his pay level. She didn't like that he was punishing himself and not looking at it just because he was upset with her.

"Do you mind if I open it?" She asked quietly.

"Whatever," he said. He'd finally picked a shirt and was pulling it over his head. He went and leaned against the drawers, crossing his arms as she slowly opened it and looked over the papers.

It was a fairly thick package. She had to flip through a few pages before she even found the explanation of their decision and then looked at some of the paperwork that came after it.

She looked up at him. He was still glaring at her, looking unimpressed. She tried to give him a thin smile.

"You got it," she told him. "Officially a full professorship at NYU. Congratulations." She held it out for him to look at but he didn't take it. "It looks like there's some paperwork for you to review and sign too," she said, and set it back down on the bed next to her.

He just kept drilling in to her with his eyes.

"We should go out for dinner," she offered. "Celebrate a little bit."

"I don't feel much like celebrating today," he said.

She examined the floor. "Will…"

"Don't bother, Olivia," he said. His voice sounded angry.

She raised her eyes a bit towards him while still keeping her head cast downward.

"I just don't understand you half the time," he spat at her. "It's like everything is a fight with you. It just pisses me off. And the worst part is that out of all the things you could pick fights about, it's the most ridiculous things you decide to tear me apart about. 'Hmm, Will thinks maybe a vacation might be fun, let's tear him a new one.' You don't make any sense."

She looked at him. He was visibly upset – and it was clear it was all directed right at her. She could see the tension in his arms and across his clenched jaw. His eyes were just gleaming with anger.

"It's just …"

He cut her off. "It's just what? It's always just something with you. Your plate is full, you're under a lot of stress, your job is so hard, you have baggage. Fucking boo hoo," he was raising his voice at her. She didn't think he'd ever raised his voice at her like that before and she wasn't generally used to letting men – or anyone for that matter – talk to her like that. But she found herself just sitting there as he went on.

"Newsflash, Olivia. Things haven't exactly been stellar for me lately either. Noah, money, work, all this Kurt bullshit, moving, you – your fucking baggage. I have my own fucking baggage too, in case you haven't fucking noticed. And why would you notice, right? But you know what the difference is between you and me? I don't find new and creative ways to make you feel like shit, to demean your feelings. Oh but wait – that's right. Since Noah isn't my flesh and blood, I can't be feeling any of this the same way as you do, right? I don't have a right to. I can't possibly understand. Well fuck that – and fuck you."

She felt tears threatening to spring to her eyes and went back to examining the floor so he couldn't see, though she kind of thought he might like that he was making her cry at that point.

"Mommy?" Noah called questioningly from the bottom of the stairs.

"It's OK, Noah," she called out quickly. "Just stay down there."

"Are you fighting?" Noah asked again cautiously.

Will sighed. "We're OK, buddy. We'll be down in a few minutes. Just stay down there, please."

There was a small creak on the stairs like he'd at least moved off the steps, though not likely back to the table.

Will shook his head, now examining the floor too, and then moved to sit on the bed – on the opposite end from her, as far away as possible.

They both sat staring at the floor and their hands for a while.

"Sorry for yelling," he finally said.

She nodded. "I didn't realize I was making you feel that way," she said, not looking up. "I don't mean to."

He sighed. "Well, that's kind of the point. You may not mean to, but you do."

She bobbed her head again. She was quiet for a while – she reached her hands up to swipe at tears every few seconds.

"I can work on that," she said, giving him a small glance. "Be more conscious of it, do better."

He looked at her – or rather her ear. She was back to examining the floor. "I'd appreciate that."

He sighed. "Olivia, if you want this relationship to work, you really have to start treating me like more of an equal and not some sloppy, uneducated second-opinion. I can't go through all of this feeling like I'm not allowed to feel and worrying that whenever I say something to you, I might get my head ripped off. That's not going to work in the long-term."

She looked up at him and he allowed her to make eye contact with him for the first time that day. She was clearly crying now.

He sighed. He didn't like being the one causing her more upset.

"I want this to work," she said softly. She couldn't imagine losing him and she wasn't sure she'd forgive herself if she was the sole reason he walked away.

He nodded. "I do, too."

He slid down the bed to be closer to her and rubbed her back.

"OK, no more crying," he told her and gave her a small kiss on the back of her head that was still downcast. She just bobbed it more.

"Com'on," he said. "We have dragon puppets to go and finish making."

"Yeah, go ahead, I'll be down in a few minutes," she told him.

He sighed. "OK. A few minutes, I'll hold you to that."

She continued to contemplate the floor but felt him get up from the bed and go down the stairs. She heard Noah ask about her – clearly from the living room and not having moved back to the dining area. Will assured her son that she'd be down in a second – and then expressed great interest in seeing his work of art. She heard them moving more and their chatter sounded further away from the stairs and it was harder to make out.

She sighed and pushed her hands into her eyes – a poor method of trying to stop the tears that still wanted to come out. She went to the bathroom and wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at herself for a moment. She shook her head and turned on the sink facet – grabbing a washcloth and wiping down her face. It still looked pretty obvious to her that she'd been crying but she hoped her son wouldn't notice too much. She smoothed down her hair a bit and told herself to smile, and then switching off the light and the fan, she went back downstairs to see what the two of them were doing.


	44. Chapter 44

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Cragen was already in and had his office door open by the time she got there. As soon as she hung up her jacket, she headed over.

"Captain?" She said from the doorway.

"Yeah?"

She walked over to his desk and put the standardized form on it. "My vacation request." She crossed her arms in front of her again.

He glanced at it and then picked it up to examine it more closely.

"This is for next month," he begrudgingly confirmed with her.

She nodded. "I'd like to have the opportunity to close some things off before I start getting behind again."

His audible sigh told her he wasn't all that impressed with that compromise.

"You told me to spend time with my son and Will. It's Reading Week next month. Will will be able to take some time away from the campus then," she added grudgingly.

He nodded. "OK." It wasn't his ideal situation – he thought she'd benefit from stepping away basically immediately. But at least she was presenting the reasoning behind the delayed compliance, which wasn't too flawed.

"But, it's also just for a week. I'd prefer you take at least two," he said. He actually would've preferred she take three or four.

He saw her adjust her arms tighter.

"Fine, tact another week onto it. I don't care," she said with more tone than he would've liked.

"Olivia, you have a lot of time coming to you. You should take advantage of that."

She didn't answer.

"Taking some time off isn't a sign of weakness," he told her. "God knows you deserve a bit of time."

"Everyone in here deserves some time," she said. "What makes me so different from any of them."

"Olivia, you know the answer to that. And you know that if any of my detectives had a sick child like you do, I would be making the same accommodations and the same recommendations. This is not special treatment and this is not about you."

She just stood there.

"Well, OK. I'll look this over some more. I am going to add that extra week to the end of it, though – two weeks," he told her, "and then I'll send it down to HR for processing."

She gave a small nod.

"Have you given any thought to what else we discussed?" He asked.

"Not really."

He sighed and looked at his desk. "OK. But I want you to understand that after you get back from this time – we're going to have to have a more official discussion about what you want your career and role with SVU – or otherwise - to look like over the next while. You need to give me a better understanding of what you need at this point – where Noah is in everything or at least what that means for your ability to work.

"If you want to talk to your union rep or EAP or your insurance company or his doctors or Will – whatever you think is necessary to have that discussion, then do it. You've got what … about five weeks … to put some thought into this and to come back to me with a real plan so we can start figuring out how to make that happen."

She still wasn't saying anything.

"OK?" He said a bit more sternly.

"Yes," she replied rather curtly.

"OK," he sighed. "You want to give me a real answer about how Noah is doing? You didn't give me much of one the other day."

She looked down. She knew he was just trying to do his job – be her boss, but also look out for her. It was hard to be overly rude to him when she also knew he genuinely cared how her son was fairing.

"He's doing OK right now. Some of the chemo pills make him pretty nauseated and he gets tired a lot. So he can be pretty moody if we aren't in a position to get him down right away. But he's doing OK."

"And you?"

She shrugged. "I'm coping."

He sighed again but nodded. "OK." He waved the piece of paper at her. "I'll let you know when this officially goes through."

She nodded and headed back into the bullpen.


	45. Chapter 45

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I'm just saying getting to take a two week, paid vacation isn't the end of the world," Elliot said, as they wandered through the diner and claimed a vacant booth.

"Well, I don't remember you being too thrilled when you've been forced to take time either," she said, as she slid into the seat across the table from him.

"OK, it sucks to be ordered to take the time. But, com'on, it's really not that bad when you're off. Get some stuff done around the house, see the kids, get to spend some time with Kathy. It will be good for you too," he told her.

The waitress came over. She was used to seeing them. They were in at least once a week.

"What you two want today?" She asked.

"Reuben, fries," Elliot said. They hadn't even looked at the menu.

"Just bring me a salad," Olivia said, barely even glancing at their regular lunch hour waitress.

"Nah, no, no," Elliot said. "A salad is not angry conversation food. Eat something." She rolled her eyes at him. "Seriously, Liv. Order something. I never see you eat anything anymore. That's probably half the problem."

"The problem?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"You need to take care of yourself. Nutrients. Order something."

She shook her head. "Whatever. Egg salad on rye."

"Fries?" Nancy asked at her.

"Just the sandwich."

The waitress disappeared to call out the order to the line cook.

"Look, if it's such a big deal, call the union guy. Contest it," he said, swirling the glass of water around that Nancy had left in front of him.

She just held up her hands. "No, I'm going to save that game for this other meeting about 'my future role' bullshit."

"Liv, Cragen's not going to sack you. You're worrying too much. You worked up an agreement with all the parties anyways when you had to take the time off. They just want to know where things are at. It's coming up on the year mark, isn't it? It's just like a review of the situation. He's probably got people breathing down his neck about what the hell is going on. He's just trying to get some clarity. He's not out to get you."

"Elliot, he suggested I wasn't doing my job."

He shrugged. "You have the records and the files to show you are. So don't worry. Go in there, say what you want – stay with SVU, leave SVU, Computer Crimes, leave of absence, registation, whatever. Let one of the union guys do the rest of the talking. Renegotiate some of compassionate leave agreement thing if you need to and that's that. Don't let yourself get all worked up about this. It's not worth it. You've got other shit to worry about."

"This is my job," she sighed. "I can't lose my job. I can't even explain to you what a disaster it would be right now if I lost this job."

"Liv, you aren't going to lose your job."

She sighed. She was running her fingers down the condensation on the glass.

"So what are you going to do with the time off?"

Nancy was already back and plopped the plates loudly down in front of them. They both nodded their thanks.

"You going to want something else to drink?" She asked.

"Yeah, can I get an iced tea?" Elliot said.

"I'm good," Liv just shook her head. "I don't know," she told Elliot. "I haven't really thought about it."

She looked at her sandwich. She didn't really feel like eating. But she saw Elliot watching her and she picked up half of it and took a bite to appease him.

"Didn't you say a while ago that one of the beneficiary programs offered you guys some time in that condo down south?" She nodded in response to his question. "You should think about that, if it's available. You know who did that? Wallace over in robbery. His family got some time down there after his kid was in that accident and had all that rehab. Remember that? He talked about it. Said it was nice. Right on the beach apparently. Can't go wrong – you just get hit up for the key deposit and the cleaning fee."

"And the cost of getting down there and food and anything else you do while you're down there," she added.

"I'm sure Will can help you cover that off," he kind of teased her but he got a really dirty look. "And you know there's other funding you could put in for to help out with some of that sort of thing, if it really is a problem. Make a Wish, Miracle Network, Cops and Kids."

"I don't need hand outs," she told him.

"OK," he nodded and took some more bites of his sandwich. She thought it looked disgusting. Cleaning up Noah's vomit for the better part of a year and watching him eat horrific combinations of food just to get him to ingest anything had really turned her appetite wrong. The more tired she got lately, the less interested she was in eating anyways.

"Will going to be able to take some of the time off too?" Elliot asked between bites.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't really told him yet."

"You haven't really told him yet?"

"I just handed the form in this morning, Elliot."

"Yeah, but this has been back-and-forth going on for the better part of the week. You've been in Cragen's office for meetings with dad every day you've been in."

She sighed. "Will and I are having a failure to communicate right now."

His eyes were laughing at her. "A failure to communicate," he mouthed back to her.

"We're fighting," she admitted.

"What about?"

She gulped a mouthful of her water collecting her thoughts.

"The short version is that he thinks I'm mean to him," she said as she put the glass back down.

Elliot nodded. "Mmm, yeah. I can see that. You do have the tendency to slightly bitchy."

"Well, thanks, El," she glared at him but she could tell he was trying to be funny.

"What'd he really say?"

She thought about it some more, purposely taking another bite out of her lunch so she didn't have to respond right away.

"That I don't value his feelings about all of this and that I don't listen to his opinions," she said and pushed the plate a bit further away from her even though there was still half a sandwich on it. Elliot reached across the table and nudged it back towards her, clearly nodding 'eat' at it.

"So do you?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Yes. No. It's hard. Noah is my son."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah, but it's not like Will is some new guy on the scene. That guy has been around forever. He must be some kind of record for you."

"Don't be an asshole, El," she warned.

"I'm just saying he's been around a while and involved with helping you raise Noah. You're living with him now. He likely just wants some input. Maybe kind of deserves it at this point in things?"

She sighed. "I know. It's just … complicated."

"He cares about you and Noah a lot, you know? That's pretty easy to see."

She nodded. "I know, El."

"So what's complicated?"

She shook her head at the table. "It just is. Aren't all relationships?"

His cell rang and he picked it up. "Stabler. Yeah. OK. She's with me. OK. We'll be there in about 10."

She looked at him as he hung up.

"Fin. They got a he-said, she-said there. Need us back to help with the interviews."

He pulled his wallet out. "I've got this," he said, tossing some bills on the table – as she slouched her coat back on.


	46. Chapter 46

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He was sitting in the bed, bare-chested, with his computer on his lap when she came out of the bathroom from her evening shower, in her sleep shorts and a tank. It kind of pissed her off. They had an agreement about not bringing work – or their laptops – to bed. But she figured they'd both been doing a lot of things the last few days that were rubbing each other the wrong way. So she bit her tongue and tried to ignore it.

Things hadn't been going so well the last few days. They weren't fighting but they hadn't exactly made up either. There was tension in the house. They were giving each other lots of space. And, though they'd been speaking to each other, they hadn't really been talking. It'd been really awkward. She thought they were both wishing they had their own condos to retreat to until they were both just over it. It was a bit harder when they were sharing the same space – let alone the same bed.

She sat on her side of the bed and took out her moisturizer from her bedside table drawer and started working it into her legs. Her back was to him but she could feel him watching her. She glanced back at him and he pulled his eyes away and went back to examining whatever was on his computer screen.

"Do you want some?" She asked, holding out the bottle to him. They'd spent the last months basically lathering moisturizing creams and lotions on Noah's dry flakey and cracking skin. The IV chemo treatments made it bad enough – the winter months had made it even worse. During it all, Will had gotten over his apparent fear that even touching moisturizing lotion might make him queer – or worse, in his view, metro-sexual. She'd seen him actually pop the cap off her bottle and rub it into his hands and elbows on his own accord a few times.

He just shook his head so she turned her attention back to what she was doing.

"A guy at work has some Knicks tickets for tomorrow's game he's trying to get rid of," she heard him say behind her. "I'd like to take Noah."

She glanced at him again. He was still looking at his computer.

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

He glared at her. "Do I need to ask?" She didn't answer. "Olivia, may I take Noah to the Knicks game tomorrow night?" There was annoyance in his voice.

"Can I come?" She asked.

"I didn't think that'd be something you'd be interested in," he said from behind her.

She turned a bit to look at him. "Why wouldn't I be interested in going? I watch all the games with you here, don't I?"

He shrugged. "You've just never expressed any interest in doing something like that before."

"You've never invited me," she said, feeling like the conversation was quickly dissolving but almost unable to stop herself. "It's always something you do with your brothers anyways."

He almost glared at her but then shook his head. "Whatever. OK. I'll see if he has three tickets."

"Nevermind. Just take Noah," she said and turned away again.

"I said I'd try to get three tickets. Relax." His tone had changed into pissed mode.

She snapped the cap back onto her bottle. She put it back in the drawer and then stood from the bed, pulling back the covers on her side, and got in. She reached over and turned off the light on her side and then stayed on her side, making sure her back was to him and that she was huddled as close to the edge of the bed, and as far away from him, as possible.

She could feel him watching her again but tried to ignore it, closing her eyes and telling herself to just try to go to sleep.

She heard him sigh.

"Liv, we've got to stop this. We can't live like this."

She didn't respond.

She heard him close the top of his computer and lean over to put it on his bedside table and turn out his light as well. She felt him shifting his weight in the bed as he lay right down.

"At least move to closer to the centre of the bed," he said. "You're going to roll onto the floor in your sleep like that."

"I'm fine," she mumbled.

His arm came around her waist and pulled her a couple inches away from the edge of the bed. "No you aren't," he said. She didn't resist him doing it. She figured if she did, she only increased her chances of ending up on the floor.

After he'd pulled her away from the edge, he scooted closer to her and spooned her. It was the first real touching they'd done since their argument. He gave her a single kiss at her jaw-line.

"Com'on Liv," he said. "I don't like us fighting. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry that I made you cry. I'm sorry that it was hard for you to hear. But I'm not sorry for what I said. We need to talk – especially with all this crap going on. We can't just let stuff fester."

He moved her hair with his free hand and kissed her earlobe and then just under her ear and on neck before resting his chin on the back of her shoulder. She could still feel his nose at her neck and his soft exhales there.

"I love you," he told her softly.

She didn't respond. But she took his hand that was around her waist and gripped it in hers, bringing it up more to rest just at the bottom of her ribcage. She allowed herself to relax against him, adjusting her legs to allow theirs both to tangle together a bit more comfortably.

"You smell good," he mumbled against her after a couple minutes of just holding her.

"It's just whatever the shampoo is in there," she said.

"Well, it smells good on you then," he said. "Your legs are super soft right now too."

"Because I just moisturized," she said.

"Mmm, I know. I saw."

"Don't get any ideas," she told him, pulling her ass away from his crotch a bit – as much as she really could in that position, which wasn't much. But she didn't want to help encourage any ideas. She wasn't sure she was done being upset with him yet or that she wanted make-up sex that night.

But he just nuzzled her neck a bit more and held her – not making a move to initiate anything else. She supposed he got her vibe – or that he wasn't entirely done being upset with her yet either.

"So tell me stuff," he said after another bout of silence. "Your day."

She was just gazing into the dark of the room at that point, feeling his breathing against her back, as his chest moved in and out. Some light was creeping in through the blind and creating little slants of almost a navy blue across the floor.

"I got in the paperwork for the imposed vacation," she told him finally. "Cragen made me submit two weeks."

"Yeah. What weeks?" He asked.

"I put in for your Reading Week and the one after," she said. She felt him nod against her. "If you think you can get any of it off, I can call P-Fam tomorrow and see if anything in the timeshare might be available."

"Mmm, yeah," he said. "If you don't mind me bringing the computer and logging on once a day, the Reading Week won't be a problem. I'd have to ask and make some arrangements to get the other week cleared, though."

"OK," she said. "I'll ask about the first week first then."

"We don't have to go anywhere," he told her. "If you want, it's OK to just hang around here. Catch up on life. Probably need to talk to Noah's doctors to make sure that's an OK week for him to be out of the city anyways too."

"Yeah, I looked at the calendar already. It's not an IV week. Should likely be OK."

"OK," he said. "Well let me put out some inquiries tomorrow and see if I can clear out part or all of the second week too. I can probably get some of my TAs to run my classes that week – or my PhD student. I need to look at my schedule – see if I've got any meetings or anything. But two weeks would be nice."

She shifted and rolled towards him so she was facing him. He rested his arm back on her waist as she settled, his hand just touching her ass. She rubbed his cheek with her upper hand. He was always so scratchy by the evening. She leaned in and kissed his lips. He opened his mouth for a deeper kiss and she returned it, breaking off after several minutes.

"I love you too," she told him – finally and much delayed.

He gave her a small smile and rested his forehead against hers. His hand came up and rubbed her hair, putting a lock of it behind her ear for her.

"Go to sleep, Liv. You're way overtired. Everything is OK. We're OK. Rest."

She nodded. "OK." She shut her eyes again. Her forehead still resting against his and his fingers now gently massaging into her shoulder. It felt nice – and safe.


	47. Chapter 47

Title: Undeserved

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.

Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.

"Good morning," she heard and looked up from the brochure she was half-ways paging through while more so fiddling with her phone, where Will was texting back-and-forth with her.

Casey Novak was standing in front of her table smiling.

She shook her head, a little surprised. "Hey."

"I saw you while I was in line," she nodded behind her. "So weird. Sometimes this city is so small."

"Ah, yeah, no kidding," she gestured at the seat opposite her. She rarely saw anyone she worked with outside of the work environment. Maybe on lunch breaks or subway platforms – but not on weekends, this far outside of their general office area stomping grounds.

"I feel like I haven't seen you forever," Casey said, settling herself into the chair. It was also strange to see her out of a power suit.

"Oh, yeah, my hours are still all over the place. I guess with the few cases that I do have open these days, it's Alex that's been slagged with them."

She nodded. "No, yeah, of course," Casey said. "So you taking a Saturday time-out or something here?" She asked, acknowledging her notable solo presence in the bristo.

"Ah, no, not really. Will's got Noah at this swimming thing he's doing. My turn to sleep-in. Just waiting for them now – this is our usual Saturday spot anymore."

"Oh," Casey said. "I completely forgot. You moved! That's even weirder. I didn't realize you were in this area of the neighbourhood. I'm in and out of here all the time too. When did you move?"

"December."

"So strange to run into each other now after months? How are you liking the area?"

"Yeah, we're really liking it. A lot. It's really great for Noah," she nodded.

"How's he doing?"

She gave her a small smile. "No, he's doing really well, right now. Still some challenges but he's good."

"And your custody proceedings?"

"Oh," she rolled her eyes a bit and sat back in her chair. "That's still going on. We've got a meeting with Gwen this week and then the mediator. I think we've got about two more mediation meetings after that before the recommendation gets put in and likely says that we officially can't agree on anything. Hopefully at that point we'll finally be able to get before a judge to decide. Paperwork is already in to get a guardian ad litem for Noah. So the mess continues."

Casey shook her head. "I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah, well … don't get pregnant with some narcissistic asshole's kid. My big advice," she sighed. "It's ridiculous. He'll put us all through all of this and then still won't have any interest in having a relationship with Noah at the end of the day. It would be easier if he'd just sign the paperwork. But …" she shrugged a bit and then started picking at the edge of the table.

Casey looked down, slightly uncomfortable by it. She had wished there was more she'd been able to do to help. But case law and legal precedent in these kinds of situations was pretty clear. She hoped it worked out for the detective – her colleague, that she'd come to think of as a bit of a friend - in the end.

As she cast her eyes towards the table, she realized that it basically looked like the Orlando Tourism Bureau had exploded on it. She smiled a bit. It was odd to think of the woman sitting across from her looking through Disney World brochures, plastered with Mickey Mouse and Cinderella's castle, let alone imagining her spending any time in that environment.

"You planning a trip?" She asked.

"Mmm," Olivia seemed to have been lost in her own thoughts for a moment but she glanced at the mess on the table. "Oh, yeah. Sort of, I guess. It's kind of last minute. I'm taking some forced vacation time in a couple weeks. We've got access to one of the P-Fam's timeshares down in Florida. Apparently it's a couple hours from Orlando but we'll be flying in and out of the city. I figured we should at least consider if we wanted to submit ourselves to any of this," she kind of waved her hand at the pile of planning guides on the table, one of which Casey was now paging through too. "I just grabbed them out of a travel agent office while I was walking here. I should actually put them away before Noah gets here and sees."

She leaned forward and started piling up the five thick guides. Casey put the one she was looking at back on the table for her to gather too.

"My sister took her kids last year. Girls – seven and nine. They had fun," she offered. "Meet the princesses, rode It's A Small World, came home with loads of Mickey paraphernalia."

"Yeah, this stuff is so far out of my realm," Olivia admitted, shaking her head and stuffing the brochures into the bag she had with her. "I don't know if we'll try it. It's expensive and I'm not sure how well Noah would handle it right now. And it's not really my idea of a good time."

She smiled at that – still trying to imagine Benson taking part in the Disney magic, perhaps with mouse-ears on. It was a little much – almost laughable.

There was a thump against the window next to them. It made Casey jump but Olivia hardly reacted, doing little more than glancing over. Noah was plastered against it with both his hands on the window and giving his mother a giant smile. A man, that Casey assumed was Will (she hadn't ever actually met him before), had grabbed the boy by his shoulder of his coat and was peeling him away, clearly telling him he shouldn't do that. But Olivia just smiled back and waved at Noah, mouthing "Hi, sweets."

The both came into the bistro at the same time but Noah came trotting down the aisle to the back corner that they were sitting in at full clip. He threw himself against his mother again, wrapping his arms around her and, pulling her head to put a full-out farting blow-kiss on her cheek.

"Geez, Noah, gross," she told him, wiping at the slobber he left there. He giggled. "Can you say hi to Casey?" She said, nodding across the table. But he buried his face in her sleeve at that.

Though, she'd seen pictures and heard stories about Noah regularly enough that she felt like she knew him – she hadn't actually seen him since he was little more than an infant and there wasn't any way he'd remember her.

Will caught up. "Hey," he said and leaned over to give Liv a kiss on her forehead. She let him but also put her hand out, a clear indication to back off. He glanced at the woman she was sitting with. He didn't recognize her.

"Ah, yeah, disregard the PDA. My bad," he said to her.

Casey give him a small smile.

"Have you guys met?" Olivia said. "Will, Casey Novak. She's one of our ADAs. She lives in the neighbourhood too," Olivia said.

"Oh, hey," he said and stuck out his hand. "Will. McTeague," he added as an after-thought. She took it.

He shuffled to the other side of Casey, where the only free seat at the table now was. He placed the backpack he was carrying on the chair, slapped a newspaper on the table and peeled off his coat, while Olivia was working on getting Noah's winter gear off him.

"He is off the walls this morning," he told her in almost a groan. "OK, I need coffee. You eaten yet?" She shook her head. "Usual?"

He got a nod. "Can you get me some more hot water for me tea too?" She asked.

"Yeah." He looked at Casey. "Can I get you something?" She was still working on the coffee that she'd originally gotten to-go.

"Oh, no, I should let you get back to your Saturday routine," she said and started to push out her chair.

"Nah, it's OK, stay," he shook his head. He wasn't used to seeing Olivia talk to anyone that resembled a female friend – or a friend, other than maybe her partner. He realized this was just another person from work. But it was something. He didn't want to cut it short.

Casey looked at Olivia.

She shrugged. "If you don't mind our chaos, join us."

She nodded, "OK."

"We eat," Will said. "Do you eat? Can I order you something?"

Olivia could see Casey kind of giving Will the once over. Though Will was standing so close to her in the tight space, she likely couldn't help it.

"No thanks, I'm good with just my coffee," she held up the paper cup.

He nodded. "OK, I'll be back."

Noah jumped, "I'll come."

"There's too many people, stay with Mom," he said a little more sternly than was needed.

Noah sulked and leaned against this mother, who rubbed up and down his arm.

"Com'on, sit down, sweets," she told him. "Casey, can you pass me the backpack?" She pointed to the chair.

She lifted it up to hand it across the table and was a little surprised at how heavy it felt.

"Well, Will is not what I expected from all the teasing I've heard you get about being with a math geek," Casey told her.

She glanced up from where she was now rummaging through the pack, and mentally cursing at Will, who had stuffed their wet bathing suits and towels in the pack without putting them in a plastic bag or anything. Not only had that caused everything else in the bag to become damp, but the clumped up fabrics had started to freeze on the walk to the restaurant from the pool.

Olivia gave her a smile. She was basically used to that by now. She hadn't been sure if Casey had ever met or seen Will before. Most people from work had had some form of interaction with him at that point. She was used to people hearing that she was dating a math professor and envisioning someone as socially awkward and obtuse as Sheldon or about as frumpy looking as Bill Gates.

Some people still seemed surprised when they realized she was with a younger man, still hanging on to his 30s for at least until the end of the year, though he looked considerably younger than he was – still often mistaken for a student at NYU by faculty who weren't familiar with him by more than his name. Some people seemed even more surprised that he could be a "math geek" who was fit and handsome. It was kind of a ridiculous stereotype and assumption, seeing as she spent most of her time working with people who realized that people who looked "normal" could be rapists, abusers and murderers.

Will had taken to wearing glasses most of the time lately, leaving his contacts for his athletic activities or in the summer when it was near impossible to get him to take off his sunglasses and backwards ball caps. Switching to glasses, though, had more to do with convenience lately – in terms of disorganization at home and never really knowing if they'd end up spending long hours at the doctors office or the hospital with Noah. They'd actually made him look a bit more mature, though, and she liked them on him.

It was his sense of style that needed the most improvement and at times belied some of his nerdier interests. She'd done some work at changing that a bit over the years – either mocking something he had on, saying she wasn't going out with him wearing something that was so ill-fitting or just down-right inappropriate, or literally buying him a new piece of clothing. He'd started to wear clothes that fit him better and showed off all the effort he put into his physical training more – rather than jeans that hung down to his knees and tshirts looked like they were about three sizes too large for him. She'd actually come to appreciate how good he could look in his vintage Star Wars, rock band and Yankees tees now that they'd invested in some that hugged across his chest and biceps the right way.

He'd also started dressing more like a professor to go into work – putting on the button-down and tie, even if it was still with jeans most of the time. It was an improvement from the cardigans, plaid and cords in some sort of rejected hipster-look that he was failing to pull-off when she'd first met him. Still, most of the time he did look like he was hanging out in some sort of engineering student longue. He liked his tshirts and hoodies and jeans – and there was no way she was prying those from his life. She didn't blame him. She preferred to dress casually at work too. She suspected he liked that about her. He wasn't sure he felt that comfortable interacting with people in business suits – especially women. He got self-conscious and when he did, the awkwardness he did have in him showed much more readily.

But either way, Will definitely didn't look like he spent his life in a lab crunching data hunched over a computer or in front of a chalkboard scribbling numbers. Still, he probably wouldn't have ever been a man she'd have gravitated towards while out on the town, back when that was something she actually did, which felt like about two-lifetimes ago. She doubted they would've ever frequented any of the same spots anyways – or if Will ever really did go out much, beyond to some sports pubs, coffee houses and comic book and boardgame hangouts. Not exactly places she would've run into him - ever. But he was far from being unattractive – even if previously she wouldn't have thought of him as falling within what might've been called her 'type.'

"Will's a math professor, not a geek," Noah interjected at Casey's comment before Olivia had given any sort of real response. "Geeks bite heads off chickens that are alive. That is gross."

Casey made a bit of a, "Oh, is that so?" face at him and tried not to laugh.

Olivia reached out and pulled her son to her. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Will," he said.

She laughed. "Well, there, you've been told," she nodded at Casey.

"He's not a dork, either. A dork is a whale's penis. Will has a penis but he's not a whale."

Olivia laughed and covered his mouth with her hand. "OK, thank you, Noah."

"Well, he's not," her son pulled away from her.

"Will is definitely not a whale's penis," she agreed, letting her son go and shaking her head at Casey. "Sorry."

She was trying to not laugh. Her shoulders were shaking a little bit as she attempted to hold it in.

Noah was unfolding Will's newspaper now. "You can say he is a math nerd," Noah told Casey. "That's the right word. But it's not very nice to call people nerds because most people say it in a bad way not a nice one."

"OK, Mr. Merriam-Webster," Olivia said, taking the paper away from him, which was starting to look like a messy pile of newsprint. "Let's not rip apart Will's paper."

"I want the puzzles," he protested. Noah had taken to sitting with the Sudoku puzzles and randomly filling in numbers. It entertained him for a while. They'd tried getting him a kids' Sudoku puzzle book because of his seeming interest but even those were still a little above him, though he was starting to grasp some of the beginner ones and would sit looking at them for a while too.

It had at least opened a world of puzzle books to them that they hadn't really considered for him before and it was making time pass in doctors' offices easier and tearing him away from the DS more, which they liked. It also made them feel better about his mind and education – keeping him inquisitive and learning.

"Will will find them for you when he gets back," she told him. She pulled the toque off his head and smoothed down his fuzz of hair. His scalp still felt a little damp from his swim but it looked like Will had remembered to put the cream on it after they'd gotten out of the water. She handed him the ball cap she'd be rooting for in the bag. "Here, it's too warm in here for your toque. You'll be all sweaty."

He pulled it on, adjusting the rim up and down his forehead in a movement she was sure he'd learned from watching Will. She handed him a couple of the action figures that they seemed to always truck around with them anymore too. He settled back into his chair and examined his favourite Batman and the Chewbecca that had somehow ended up in there this time. Even she wasn't sure it was the best battle combination. Maybe the wookie wouldn't mind being pulled away from Han Solo and replacing Robin as Batman's sidekick instead, she thought, and again felt ridiculous that these were bits of information she even knew anymore.

Casey was watching him. "I can't believe how big he is now, Liv," she commented.

Liv looked at her son too and touched his cheek. "Well, they do that. Grow."

"I'm not sure he was even two the last time I saw him," she shook her head.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Oh, wow." Noah was around the precinct frequently enough, but she supposed it would generally be more at the end of a work day and usually just in and out. Not necessarily times when Casey would usually be there.

"I'm five and a half," Noah decided to tell her.

"He'll be six at the end of May," Olivia added.

She smiled. "He definitely wasn't talking much yet last time I saw him."

Olivia laughed. "Well, you don't usually have a shortage of things to say now, do you Noah?"

He glanced at her and shrugged. She laughed at the muted response he gave to that question.

Casey thought it was nice, and a little odd, to see Benson playing the role of mother. It wasn't one of the interactions she was used to seeing. But when the detective was looking at the boy, she could see a sense of happiness and calm in her body language.

"He looks really good," she commented.

Olivia nodded. It was true. Noah looked fairly healthy right now. The signs that he was sick were still there – the hair, the dry-looking skin and rashes, his poor colouring and his skinny build that was obviously more than just him being a slight child. At the pool, the saran wrap Will would've had wrapped around the boy's upper chest, just providing extra protection over his port, would've been a dead give-away too. But Noah was smiling and chatty and his eyes were bright and alive. He was actually even more bouncy than usual that morning.

"And, does he ever look like you," Casey added.

Olivia glanced at her – and allowed a small smile at that. Some times she felt like all she could see in Noah's features was Kurt. She found it upsetting at times. It made her wonder how her own mother ever coped with looking at her and seeing a rapist. She appreciated when people noted that Noah was clearly her's – especially when it was people who didn't see the two of them together regularly. Will often told her that Noah was clearly her son but she'd argued that he was just so used to them being together that he just automatically assumed the genetic connection. She usually felt that if people didn't know, they wouldn't necessarily pick her out as his mother, if they were trying to pair up kids with their parents at the burning daycare, or something.

"Yeah, I guess I managed to get my nose in there, lucky him," she joked. "His hair usually too. But it's coming back more of a really light blonde."

Casey nodded. "I meant his eyes," she said, Noah glanced at her, his deep brown eyes catching hers again. "Smile too."

Olivia looked down a little embarrassed at the observation that was going on but also finding it strangely comforting that someone was looking at Noah and not just seeing a sick little boy.

"He's got her colouring too," Will said, back with a tray, and hearing the end of the conversation.

She rolled her eyes at him. "He doesn't," they'd argued about this before.

"Well, not right now, he doesn't. Usually, though. Right now we're both as pale and pink as naked mole rats, right, bud?" He said, putting a pink-coloured smoothie and a sandwich in front of him. Noah picked at it, trying to look inside. "Grilled cheese with bacon and tomato, buddy. Same as always."

He seemed to consider it for a second. But then lifted up the large grilled Panini in his little hands and tried to wrap his mouth around it, gnawing off a piece.

Will finished putting the food on the table and returned the tray before sitting back down and looking at his overly health-conscious brunch of fresh-cut fruit, cottage cheese and a hardboiled egg on toast.

"After standing in the line that long, I'm not even sure I'm hungry anymore," he said.

"You're always hungry," Olivia commented, topping up her tea with the hot water he'd retrieved for her.

"Says the woman who doesn't eat anymore," he returned.

She speared some of the asparagus in her skillet and waved it at him. "Eating," she said and purposefully put it in her mouth, keeping eye contact with him.

He shook his head at her and half-ways laughed. "Good, clean your plate so I don't start badgering you, like you go at him," he nodded his head towards Noah.

Liv rolled her eyes.

"So," he said to Casey. "I've gotten Liv-to-the-rescue stories of triumphant and disaster from some of the guys. You need to add to my collection and fodder."

"Oh, I don't know I have any stories," Casey said.

"Aww, that's no fun," Will teased.

"She called you a geek," Noah accused from across the table, pointing at her, with his mouth still full.

"I did comment on certain hearsay I had heard that referred to you as a math geek," she admitted. "But I've been informed of the error in of the word choice."

Will smiled at her and turned back towards Noah, who seemed rather pleased with himself.

"We've also been told you are not a whale's penis," Olivia said, making sure to catch his eyes.

Will looked at the table and gave her a teasing glance. "I know that's disappointing for you."

"Horribly," she said. "We have been given permission to call you a nerd, though. So I'll have to remember that for future reference."

Will shrugged. "I am a nerd. It's the new sexy. Smart is …"

She shook her head at him.

"We usually strive to come off as slightly more normal and balanced," she commented to Casey, who laughed.

"I don't know. You seem fairly normal to me – for a SVU family."


	48. Chapter 48

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Did you see this?" She heard Will say from the couch in the living room. She stuck her head out from the kitchen doorway, where she'd been emptying the dishwasher.

"Will, I'm in a different room from you. I can't see through walls," she sighed at him.

He'd been almost too excitedly looking through the Orlando brochures she'd picked up. Apparently theme parks were within his realm of expertise and fit his definition of an ideal vacation. Though, he'd already begrudgingly admitted that most of the stuff that he'd be interested in doing wouldn't be things that would be suited for Noah until he was a few years older.

He leaned forward on the couch and held open the book to a page plastered in Star Wars.

She nodded. "Yeah, I saw that."

"That's pretty fucking cool," he said.

She shook her head. "If you say so."

"Oh, com'on, Liv. You know he'd lose his shit over this."

She allowed a small smile. "OK. You're right there. Do you want tea?"

"Hmm, yeah. Do you still have that lemon one?"

She nodded and disappeared back into the kitchen. Her banging around putting dishes away continued but he eventually heard the electric kettle's switch pop and she came into the living room and sat with him on the couch.

He gripped his mug with one hand, resting it on the arm of the couch, while she held her's in both hands, and sat looking at the brochure he was still flipping through.

"You know Tom and Becky's kids will be just a little jealous if we go to Disney?" He joked.

"Mmm," she sipped her tea. "More reason not to go."

"Nah, we'll get them tshirts or something."

Olivia rolled her eyes.

"I'm just not sure Noah will be able to handle it. Heat, lines, crowds, germs. It'd be a long day for a little boy."

"Oh, but you're thinking about it Mom or else these wouldn't be in the house?" he teased.

She just looked at him. She wanted more of a discussion about it from him than that.

"Well, like you said. It'd only be one day. It's not like it's the purpose of the trip. It can be like a trial run. If we like it we can always go back some time and do the whole Orlando thing."

She shook her head. "We aren't going back. New Yorkers don't go to Disney World. You're lucky we're even going to Florida."

He put his forehead against hers. "You can be such a fucking stick in the mud some times."

"How do you even pick a park? There's like 20 of these things? More."

"OK, well, based on the fact he's five and short – I think we can eliminate the rollercoaster ones. Based on the fact he has a weaken immune system and you would be more than a little neurotic about him touching anything – I think we can probably eliminate the water parks and SeaWorld. So that leaves Disney."

"So you've narrowed it down to what 10 parks?"

"Four," he said, flashing the map at the front of the guidebook at her. "Epcot sounds like it'd be lame for little kids. And, this Animal Kingdom thing looks like an $85 a day zoo. So that leaves Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios."

"Which one has the Spiderman ride?" She said grabbing at the book a bit.

He let her take it but said, "Nah, that's at one of the Universal Parks. All the superhero rides are. He's not tall enough to go on any of those rides anyways, I already looked."

"Where did you see where they said height requirements?"

He took the book back from her and flipped to the back where there were a bunch of little charts that she wasn't even sure how he could read in the dim lighting he had on the room. She just glanced at it.

"Well what does it say for the Star Wars thing?"

"There's more than one 'Star Wars thing' at the park. But the main ride is 40 inches. He'd be OK?"

"Hmm, barely. Maybe depending on what shoes he had on."

He looked at the book again. He was clearly pretty set on getting to go to one of the parks.

"We could just lay on the beach for the week," she suggested.

"Yeah, we could do that for the rest of the week and then go back for the plane a day or two early, get a hotel room and do something super cool at the end of the trip."

She smiled but shook her head. "You sound like you're about 10 years old."

He put the brochure down and leaned over, kissing her neck.

"You could try being a little bit more excited about getting to take a holiday – even if you hate that you had to be strong-armed into taking it," he said to her quietly.

She sighed and sunk back into the couch more but gave him a small smile. He shifted on the couch, rolling onto his back and putting his head in her lap, while resting his feet up on the armrest. She ran her hand through his hair a bit and continued to sip at her tea with the other.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said after a while.

She glanced down at him. She'd had her eyes set on the wall ahead of them.

"About what happens after I get back," she said after another extended pause.

"You talked to your union rep," he said, reaching up with his one hand and rubbing her arm. "Nothing happens. You go to the meeting. That's all you are obligated to do. They can't make you leave SVU, if you don't want to. They have no grounds to fire you from the NYPD. They don't even have grounds to put you on any sort of suspension.

"You have everything in writing about the terms of your compassionate care leave. Liv – it was negotiated for up to three months following the potential death of your son. Noah's not dead - he's fine. You had to advise them of a potential change in Noah's health that affected your work schedule. There hasn't been – so you haven't been obligated to provide any sort of notice of change in your ability to work – it's the same as before. He's still being treated. Sure, he isn't in the hospital right now – but he is still getting chemo and will for another … what 18 months?"

"What if they try to argue that with him getting out-patient treatment that I need to go back full-time? I don't know how we could even juggle that. I've thought about it – and it's just not possible. I'd have to ask for unpaid leave or resign if they wouldn't grant it," she said.

He shook his head. "I don't think they can ask you to do that. Even if they do, you don't have to agree to it. You have negotiation leverage, Liv. You worked out an agreement before you took time – multiple parties and levels were involved and signed it. Their legal advisors would've been involved then. This isn't something new – these are leave agreements they have to grant. Maybe they aren't as run-of-the-mill when you're dealing with a potentially fatal illness in an employee's child. But these are things they will have dealt with before.

"You still have lots of doctors appointments and other medical appointments and labs and tests that you are obligated to take him to. You're just as busy as before. Fuck. We both know in some ways it's harder with him being an out-patient in terms of all the juggling. But your agreement didn't make reference to him having to be hospitalized. It's all about care – compassionate care, Olivia. It all fits under the agreement. That agreement is still the terms you're working under. For them to change those terms – you, and all those other parties, have to agree to it. They can't just change it on you.

"If you aren't comfortable with just your rep going with you, we can ask Gwen about it. She can get you in front of a good labour lawyer – or the union must have some on retainer, if it reaches that point. We can get a letter for Noah's oncologist about his current health status and treatment plan. It's not like you're making shit up. Caring for him is a pretty big and time-consuming job."

She sighed. "I know. It's just … it's my job. I feel like I'm being told I've done something wrong – and I've been trying so fucking hard to maintain that commitment too. Because I want to. Will, SVU, that work, it's been my life in so many ways and now to feel like I'm being pushed out because I need to care for my son …" She shook her head. "And it's even worse because I need the job. I need those benefits and the insurance."

He sat up and put his arm around her, pulling her against him.

"It's going to be fine, Liv. You're still bending over backwards for them. You're still on rotation. You still take calls in the evenings and on weekends. You've gone in. You're just working adjusted hours during the workweek, to accommodate caring for your son. You're doing everything right."

"It's probably cheaper for them to just terminate me and give me some sort of compensation package," she sighed.

He looked at her hard. "Liv, I'm sure your Captain has your back. Don likely just had to talk to you – let you know it was coming down the pipes. That's just his job. He seems like an OK guy. Maybe you can talk to him again before we leave? So you aren't stressing about this the whole time?"

She sighed. "Yeah. I guess."

He kissed her temple. "It will be fine. They're idiots if they try to get rid of you – and we'll give them a fucking legal battle if they try something stupid."

"Yeah, because we can afford that right now."

"We'll figure out how to. The union has resources too, Liv. I know you aren't a huge fan of the union but they're there for things like this. Maybe we should talk to my dad. I know he's not NYPD but he's got years of experience with the UFA union. How do you think he knows everyone in the entire fucking city? He knows lots about this kind of shit. Maybe he can give us some advice or calm your nerves a bit."

She nodded. "OK." It almost surprised her that she was agreeing to get advice from Ted. But she supposed she was ready to take it from anywhere at that point.

"Want me to call them in the morning and see about heading over there or them coming in? My Mom's been bugging about wanting to do something with the promotion thing anyways – and I should see them before we go on our trip."

She sighed. She didn't really feel like going all the way out to Staten Island on a Sunday – but she also didn't really feel like having May puttering around her apartment and kitchen for hours on end. But it was a reasonable offer. It made sense. They'd be busy next weekend with getting stuff done before the trip and getting together during the week wasn't an option. Especially the coming week, Noah had to get his monthly dosage via IV – so they'd be back and forth to the hospital three days of the week, and they'd have an exhausted and grouchy little boy on their hands – who hopefully wasn't too pukey.

"Yeah, OK."

"Do you have a preference on where?"

"I guess out there," she said.

"Then we can leave," he said, "rather than be held prisoners in our home."

She laughed. At least he understood where she was coming from.

He was looking at her. She met his eyes.

"What?" She asked.

"Want me to find some ways to make you stop thinking about it for a while tonight?"

She laughed again. "What kind of ways?"

"I can think of some ways. Want to go upstairs?"

She shook her head, but her eyes were smiling at him. "I think you're trying to take advantage of the fact I'm slightly distraught about this."

He shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"That's not very nice," she told him. "In fact, you could get yourself in some legal hot water, if you aren't careful."

"That so?" He asked.

She nodded. "Mmm."

He leaned in and caught her lips. She let him kiss her. As it got deeper, he took the mug she still was holding onto and leaned over and put it on the table. The small break in the kiss worked out in his favour, her newly free hand ended up resting just above his ass at first but quickly crept around to his stomach and then fell below his waist.

He broke the kiss off again after a coupe minutes. It was clear they were both getting serious at that point – and he wasn't a huge fan of making out in the living room in the new place, with Noah's room just off it.

"Upstairs?" He asked again.

She nodded and got up. "Yeah."

He kept his hand in the small of her back as she flicked off the one light they still had on in there, checked the front door again to make sure it was locked and the alarm set and stuck her head into Noah's room to make sure he was sleeping soundly.

He kissed the back of her neck as she mounted the first step and was standing taller than him. She smiled and turned to take his hand.

"Com'on," she said, nodding up. "Upstairs."


	49. Chapter 49

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I don't think they will have much of anything on you," Ted said from across the table.

Olivia glanced back at him. She'd had her attention focused out the window where Noah was in the driveway next door trying to handle a hockey stick that was far too big for him and score a goal against Tom's youngest.

Ball hockey was some sort of strange right-of-passage in the family that she didn't quite understand. But Noah always seemed keen to play when they were over. She suspected it was more the whole concept of driveways and playing in the streets that fascinated him more than actual hockey. Though, Will had been doing his best to convince Noah that watching ice hockey was a great way to spend a weekend afternoon – and they'd gone out skating a few times that winter so far too.

Noah was proving surprisingly coordinated at it and she'd managed to get over her initial fears that he was just going to hurt himself. Though, they did have him geared up in some of Tom's kids' old hockey gloves and had invested in a helmet. Neither of them were ever too far off from him for when he did start to teeter either. He'd had spills but so far it'd only been some bruised knees and an "ouch butt" and nothing to get too worked up about.

She glanced at the tea and the piece of lemon meringue pie that May had left in front of her. She didn't intend to eat the pie but Will had already made clear it wasn't going to go to waste. He'd polished off his already and she was surprised he hadn't actually claimed her piece yet. She figured for Will to indulge in sweets, it was likely pretty good. But lemon was his thing, not her's. The general texture of it just looked so very unappealing to her too.

Ted was looking at her expectantly. He'd been going on for about 15 minutes and she was sure she'd stopped absorbing what he was saying about five minutes in and literally stopped listening around the 10-minute mark.

"There's been some days lately where I've gotten in late with all of it," she admitted. "Some times I have left a few hours early too - unannounced."

Ted had his elbows on the table and his hands pulled up in front of him. After each thing she said, he seemed to consider it rather seriously, and would crack his knuckles. She hated when men did that. Elliot some times did that too – especially early in their partnership. She'd had to tell him to stop. It was like nails on the chalkboard to her. She was glad it wasn't a habit that Will had picked up. She'd seen his brothers do it as well.

"Well, normally, you'd think that would be something your boss would just take up with you initially," Ted finally said. "I can't see them turning it into a larger issue – unless it went unresolved after you were approached about it. It's the sort of thing they'd be able to dock you for fairly easily, though. Your absence would've had to have create a significantly larger issue – affected a case or the safety of a civilian or officer – for them to have much leverage beyond docking you. That's not the situation here?"

She shook her head. "No, they have me riding the desk so much, it doesn't impact much of anything beyond paperwork getting done." She checked on Noah out the window again.

"He's fine out there," Ted told her, though he knew she wouldn't appreciate an comment on the well-being of her son coming from him.

"I don't think they can keep you on the desk, either," he added quickly, in hopes she wouldn't get snitty about it. "If you don't want to be there. They'd have to have grounds for taking you out of the field too."

She shrugged. "I think their grounds are that I'm too distracted to be able to handle being in the field."

He shook his head at her. "Unless they'd done some sort of psych evaluation and got a recommendation saying you shouldn't be in the field, they're unfairly discriminating against you – making assumptions about your situation."

"Well, I don't think you should get in a pissing-match about being in the field," Will interjected. She gave him a bit of a disapproving look. She knew his feelings about the types of cases she worked on and his concerns about how dealing with that might affect her and her ability to cope with Noah's situation right now. He tried to deflect it. "Do you really want a bigger caseload? Wouldn't it just increase their arguments about you needing to be there more?"

She sighed.

"That might be a good point," Ted acknowledged on her behalf, but looked to his son. "But, the fact remains, they can't discriminate against her and her abilities to do her job solely based on the fact that little boy is sick.

"They have to have some sort of evidence that it's affecting your abilities or has had a direct impact on the work," he told Olivia.

"To me, all this paperwork here," he paged at the copy of the compassionate care agreement they'd brought for him to look at. "It's all about flexible hours and guaranteed continuity of your position – for a period of time that seems to me to clearly indicate the duration of Noah's treatment - or his death, and guaranteeing you bereavement leave, in that scenario. I don't see anything in it about redefining your role."

"Do you think they can argue that Noah's medical condition appeared more life threatening at the time? Would that give them grounds to re-open negotiation of the terms?" She asked.

Ted looked back down at the papers. "Well, now, I'm not an expert in this sort of contract, far from it. I'd have to look over it more carefully to see if there's anything in here that leaves in that loophole. But my feeling is leukemia is leukemia. They knew that when this was negotiated."

"Not exactly, Dad," Will said. "We kind of got lucky. Noah's type of leukemia is one of the simpler ones to treat – and he wasn't nearly as far-gone as he could've been when they caught it."

Ted gazed at his son, again thinking about it for a moment. He looked back to Olivia.

"Did they have the information about his full diagnosis at the point this was signed?"

She looked at the ceiling trying to remember exactly when the paperwork had been signed and how much she would've known at that point. It felt like eons ago.

"I'm not sure," she finally admitted. "I'm fairly certain we knew it was ALL at that point. But all this was signed within about the first 10 days, I think. It happened surprisingly fast, which I had been grateful for at the time. Now … " she trailed off. "I'm not sure if we had his full staging back at that point."

"I thought you signed this just before he started chemo," Will said. "It was the day he got his port in that you went in to sign it. I remember that. The staging would've been back before they started his treatment."

She sighed. "Yeah, but it would've been settled before I went in to sign it – and I'm really not sure if we had all the staging information before they started the chemo anyways. They just started pumping that into him to kill off the cancer as quickly as possible. They adjusted the treatment a couple times during that first month in the hospital. We'd have to dig through his medical file to get an answer to that."

"I wouldn't bother," Ted said. "I think it might be a moot point. I think the onus would've been on them to decide if they wanted to hold off on all of this to see where the boy was at – if he was terminal, enough, for their little plan. I suspect they must've felt it was direr enough that they were obligated to provide the accommodations. If they were questioning that and wanted more information, they could've negotiated something else with you for the interim. At least that'd be what I'd argue, if it came up."

Olivia looked at the table and examined her hands. Despite all the assurances she was getting from people that this would work out in her favour in the end, she still felt like there were too many loopholes and question marks for her liking.

"You wouldn't consider this transfer your Captain is offering you?" Ted asked. "In the interim, at least? It might be a good compromise to appease everyone until Noah is back on his feet."

"She's not leaving special victims," Will answered for her. She looked at him like she was surprised he'd said that. She thought he would've preferred that she step away – not just in this situation or until Noah was better, but generally. "Liv, no. Staying there is what you want. They aren't forcing you out of there. They aren't going to take that away from you too."

Ted was looking at them. He'd grown used to watching his son's and this woman's interactions. He didn't pretend to understand them. He assumed they were in a relationship at this point, though they hadn't officially stated as much to himself nor his mother. Even, within the context of a relationship, he'd struggled to understand them. He didn't understand how they'd just been "friends" for years, and if that meant they were kissing friends and Will just didn't want his mother to be at him about going to church for confession and cleansing his soul for living in sin. Now with them shacked up together, his mother was still fretting about his mortal soul and why they couldn't just get married.

Ted was a bit more understanding to the concept of modern relationships – he'd dealt with enough young men in his career and raised three boys. Hell, he and May hadn't exactly lived a life of purity before they tied the knot either. Young men chased after tail. But Will wasn't in his 20s anymore and this was a single mother, who he was clearly playing an active role in raising her son. In that context, he just couldn't understand why neither Will nor Olivia seemed to want the affirmation and commitment of a declared relationship, if not a formalized and legally-binding one.

Still, Ted tried to mind his own business and not push it. He'd long ago learned that pushing anything on his youngest only made him push back against it harder. Unfortunately, it wasn't a lesson his mother ever seemed to have learned. The fact that May seemed to quite like Olivia for their boy (though he wasn't quite sure the admiration was mutual) and that she was just dying to be able to officially add Noah to the number of grandchildren she could tell people she had, didn't make dealing with the situation or having any sort of conversation with Will about it any easier.

But sitting there and talking to the two of them, it hadn't been lost on him that it was about the first time he'd seen Will take on a rather clear husbandly role. He was providing support and comfort but also had a clear voice of authority in the conversation. Not only that, but Olivia seemed to be not just allowing it but actively accepting it and acknowledging words and opinions that had come out of his boy's mouth. It was something new. There'd been times in the past where he'd seen her snap at his son and whack him into his place in a way that he was pretty close to vocally disapproving of on occasion. He didn't feel his son deserved to be treated that way – not when he was a good man who was clearly providing for this woman and child.

He had seen that their relationship had grown since Noah had been sick, though. Olivia seemed to more actively accept support from his son – and he was glad for that. He knew it was what Will wanted, even if Will hadn't verbally stated that to him. Only adding to it, he'd noticed that at several points in the evening's chat the two of them had referred to "we" and not just her while discussing the situation.

"I'd say your best bet is to make sure you've got all your paperwork in order," Ted said. "Pull out any records you have to show what you have been doing while you've been working under this agreement – the cases you've closed, the progress on the files you've got open, your timesheets, time differential stubs. Make sure you've got copies to your rep well ahead of this meeting for him to review. Getting that letter from Noah's doctor there might be a good idea too but it might be even better just to have a list available of his scheduled appointments from before, that can be confirmed in some way. You may want to get statements from some of your colleagues saying you're carrying your weight or that your situation isn't impacting their work too, if there's people who'd do that for you. Could be good to have, if it becomes necessary.

"I'd also say when you go in there, let your rep do as much of the talking as possible. You don't want to say something that might create some sort of loop hole for them to squirm through," he advised. "And, if that first meeting goes south, you tell your rep that you're going to want some of the union's legal team involved at the next one too."


	50. Chapter 50

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Captain, can we talk," Elliot asked from just outside the door.

Cragen looked up from the notes he was taking at his desk. "Sure, shoot."

"It's about Liv," the detective said.

"Ah," Cragen said, and reached over to the stack of notes he'd been gathering on his desk. Olivia handed him one at the end of every week, outlining what days she intended to be in the following week and the reason for the absence. He knew she and Elliot had back-and-forth during the week even when she wasn't in, but some times he wished she just left a copy on Elliot's desk too. It seemed like her partner got more confused about her schedule at times than he did and was always inquiring if she was down to be in on a particular day.

"She's in Thursday and Friday," he told Elliot. "She's got Noah in at the hospital for treatment this week."

Elliot shook his head and crossed his arms.

"It's not about that," he said. Cragen stopped what he was doing and looked at the other man harder. "You've got her pretty stressed out that her job is in jeopardy," Elliot said with an edge in his voice that betrayed his anger.

Cragen looked back down to the paperwork he had in front of him.

"You know that's not something I can discuss with you," he said.

"I just think it's pretty shitty of you to force her to take leave to supposedly spend time with her sick son but then tell her she's got to come back to a fight for her job." The resentment in Elliot's dripped off his tongue.

Cragen glared at him. "Close the door." Elliot didn't budge. "Close the damn door."

The detective hardly turned around, as he put up his arm and slammed the door shut in such a way that their ongoing conservation was now sure to have drawn the attention of the entire squad room.

"Olivia might be your partner," Cragen told him, still keeping his seat behind his desk. "But what is going on with her personnel file is none of your business."

"I think it is," Elliot spat back. "She is my partner. What happens to her affects my job too. You adding this fucking stress to her isn't exactly making her doing her job any easier. You should be going to bat for her," he accused.

"You, of all the people in this squad room, know that I go to bat for my detectives," Cragen said. "I have been more than accommodating with Olivia and with her situation …"

"Her situation?" Elliot said in a raised voice that bordered on yelling. "Her little boy – her only child - has cancer. He could die. That's not just a 'situation'."

Cragen glared at him. "Do you think I don't realize that? That I don't feel for her? I have been into that hospital to see Noah – the same as you."

"And you are still going to let them put her job on trial – over her taking care of a sick child?" His voice was still raised in anger.

"Olivia is one of my best detectives," he said. "We both know that. And we both know if any one of you in that squad room came to me and said your child was sick – with anything from the stomach flu to this, to leukemia – I would do everything I could to make sure you could be there for that child. That's exactly what I've been doing for Olivia – for nearly 11 months now, Elliot."

"And you're still going to put her through some sort of witch trial?" He yelled.

Cragen gritted his teeth and almost hissed. "No matter how sick Noah is, the fact remains that Olivia has a job to do and she signed an agreement stating that she would continue to do that job to the best of her ability during this period."

"And she's doing that," Elliot threw his hands in the air, before crossing them tightly again.

"I'm not saying she's not. But I have the brass asking me why cases are moving through here slower than usual over the past year, why we have more files open than usual. No matter how you cut it – we are down at least half a body right now. That affects our work, our closure rate, our ability to meet goals and fucking priorities. It affects everyone out there. Realistically we're down nearly a whole body. How many open cases can I have her on when she's here maybe three days a week?"

"So assign them under both of us – I'll carry the extra load."

"You have enough cases under your name already," he spat back. "You aren't exactly closing at your usual rate either these days. None of you are. We're all putting in extra time to pick up the slack. We're all exhausted."

"Olivia has put in lots of extra time over the years," Elliot said. "She's been in at all fucking hours – even with raising that little boy alone. She isn't trying to fuck the rest of us. I know for a fact she's come out to crime scenes in the middle of the fucking night and on weekends – even during all of this."

"And that's her job, Elliot. That is part of this job," Cragen said. "How much does she really want to be here right now anyways? Maybe being in a unit that has more consistent hours – less time in the field – would be best for her right now. She can transfer back when Noah is … better."

"You can't make her transfer," Elliot hissed.

"You're right, I can't. But I can damn well present that option to her – and I can damn well ask for some clarity on where she is at at this point. If I need to get an extra detective in here until she's able to commit more time to work – then I am going to do that. This is my squad – and I am going to do what's best – for all of you, not just for Olivia."

Elliot shook his head. "You're punishing her for something out of her control – and something that you and the rest of this fucking place agreed to in writing." He was pointing and yelling.

"This is not my decision," Cragen said. "This push comes from above. I gave her the courtesy of letting her know it was coming – to give her time to think about what she wanted and to prepare for it. And, that's my job."

"Oh, so you're just the errand boy," Elliot snarked back loudly.

Cragen looked down at his desk. "This conversation is over. Get out of here, Elliot."

"This whole thing is fucking bullshit," he yelled again.

"Elliot, go home. Take the rest of the day to cool down." The detective was shaking his head and looking at the ceiling. "Elliot, get the hell out of my office. Go home. That's an order."

His head snapped down and his eyes drilled into Cragen. The Captain could tell he wanted to say more. But he suddenly turned on his heel, ripped open the door, stormed to his desk, grabbing his coat in as much of a clatter as possible and exited the bullpen. The show had drawn the attention of everyone else in the area who were now gazing back to his office, where he'd come to the door.

"Don't you all have work to be doing," Cragen called into the space, and pulled his door shut again behind him.


	51. Chapter 51

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will rubbed his forehead and looked at the table in the conference room that he was feeling rather imprisoned in.

Olivia had warned him that the interview with the social worker, who was acting as the mediator in her custody dispute, would likely be long and uncomfortable. She'd stressed that her's had been almost three hours – and that there'd been questions about her sex life and work environment that had been deeply personal and had felt accusing. She'd come out of it feeling like they'd built some sort of case that she was unfit to be a mother. She'd also explained to him repeatedly that they would be asking multiple questions about the nature of their relationship and his ability to be a caretaker to her son.

Gwen had sat down with him and run through a series of trial questions and responses. The mantra had been to answer as honestly and openly as possible and to try not to read too much into any of the questions – and to remember that Kurt would be enduring the same thing, and that he was far from parent of the year. Still, despite the warnings and the preparations, he hadn't been prepared for it at all.

It had been nearly an hour and they hadn't even gotten to talking directly about Noah yet, which he had thought was the purpose of the meeting. So far they'd just touched on his work, his financial situation and some aspects of his relationship with Olivia. It mostly focused on attempting to establish a timeframe where they could define their relationship has having begun. Apparently, just saying when she moved into his building and they became friends hadn't been enough, in terms of what they wanted for a "relationship". So it had instead lead to a rather awkward conversation about his past sexual relationships and dating habits and when they'd stopped in relation to meeting Liv – as well as his and Olivia's current sex life. It was information he would've rather not provided.

There'd been points so far where Liv had tried to interject her two cents or to bail him out in his answers. But the mediator had stopped her and indicated that if she couldn't restrain herself and let him speak, she'd have to leave the room.

"Have you ever used any drugs or illegal substances?" the mediator, an older black woman, Cheryl Talbot, asked. She seemed like a no-nonsense kind of woman, who had clearly heard and seen it all in these types of sessions and didn't have much patience for dealing with people she demeaned fools.

Will looked up from the table. "No," he sighed. "I've never even smoked a cigarette."

She made some sort of note. "It sounds like you live a very virtuous life, Mr. McTeague."

He sighed louder and looked at the ceiling. "I'm sorry if that's offensive to you," he sarcastically spat. But reeled himself in and tried to calm it with the statement. "I was raised Catholic." He'd let any assumptions people carried about that sit with her and left out the part that he wasn't practicing and didn't care much for organized religion at all anymore.

She just looked at him. "Do you drink?"

"No, not really. Socially. A handful of times a year."

"When is the last time you drank, Mr. McTeague?"

He sighed. "I don't know."

"A couple weeks ago," Liv said. He looked at her. "At the Knicks game."

She also put her hand on his left leg, which he had bouncing up and down. A nervous habit he had. But it was starting to become so apparent he was nearly moving the table.

Feeling her hand push down on his knee, he tried to calm it and he looked back to Talbott. "I paid an absurd amount of money to have one crappy beer at the ball game."

"Prescription drugs?"

"I get migraines. I sometimes take something for that."

"Have you ever taken any anti-depressants or anti-psychotics?"

He looked down. "Yes, but that was 10 years ago and it was only for a short period."

"What were they for?" She asked, still taking notes. He didn't understand why she needed to be taking notes, she was recording the whole interview.

"Depression. Insomnia. I lost my wife. I was struggling with that – and I wasn't sleeping."

She looked up from her note-taking – apparently she'd missed the memo that he was a widower. "How long were you on them for?"

"I don't know. I don't remember. Likely a year or so." Liv now touched his elbow, clearly sensing how uncomfortable he was becoming. He hadn't ever even talked to her about this before. He didn't see the point.

"Why'd you stop taking them?"

"Because I didn't feel I needed them anymore."

"Your doctor supported you coming off of them?" She asked.

He shrugged. "I guess so."

She looked at him questioningly and then scribbled something else on the pad in front of her.

"I'm not depressed," he added sternly. Talbott didn't respond but made another note.

"Did you ever attend any sort of counseling or psychological treatment?"

He sighed and glanced at Liv. "Yes. I got grief counseling."

"Do you still attend?"

He looked at the ceiling. More information that he didn't talk to Liv about. "Yes, I see an individual supportive psychotherapist still."

"For grief counseling?"

"How is what I see her for relevant?" He demanded louder than he meant to, but he was frustrated and he could feel Liv watching him and he hoped not judging him.

Talbott flipped through the file her had in front of her.

"Well," she said, "my notes indicate that there's been an expressed intention to try to force the termination of parental rights for the biological father, should we not meet a mediated agreement.

"Generally family court don't agree to that unless there's an expressed intention to immediately file an adoption petition on behalf of a step-parent. And, for judges to consider a step-parent adoption there generally has to be a marriage, usually one-year-old, but at least a marriage pending. So, if you are still grieving your wife, I am wondering if there is a realistic expectation that there could be a marriage? In most cases that would basically be the perquisite for any of the rest of these petitions to go through in Ms. Benson's favour – since we aren't dealing with an abuse case here."

Olivia heard Will mutter "this is ridiculous", his head still cast towards the table. She rubbed his back.

"So you're saying that all of this is a waste of time anyways?" He finally looked up. "That asshole is just going to get what he wants – unless we get married and even then it's a crap shoot? She has no say? Him having no interest in his kid doesn't matter?"

"Will," Liv said quietly and rubbed his back a bit harder. They'd talked about keeping tempers in check and not bad-mouthing Kurt – even though she understood how hard that could be.

"I'm sure your attorney has discussed this with you," Talbott said, making another note. "The courts favour the rights of both biological parents to have a meaningful relationship with their child. But, my role is to simply provide a report to the court on your situation, should you not reach a meditated agreement. I need as much information as possible to be able to do that in the best possible way for all the parties involved."

Will sighed and crossed his arms. "I have moved beyond the loss of my wife."

"Then what is the counseling for at this point?" She questioned now.

"Seriously? None of this stuff is just private?" He looked at Liv.

"You don't have to answer, if you don't want to," she told him, trying to be reassuring.

He shook his head.

"I don't know. It's not grief counseling. It's just for life," he nearly spat at Talbott. It was clear she wanted more than that. "Tessa died in the World Trade Centre. I got to watch it. Live. With the rest of the world. From hundreds of miles away. I now live in a city that fucking," Liv touched his arm at his swearing, "insists on making me remember those visuals, that are already scared into my mind, in some way – every, single day of my life.

"I have a job where I am constantly dealing with kids having mental meltdowns about their 'future' while trying to balance a workload with a teaching schedule that makes meeting research outputs basically unachievable. And, if I don't reach those outputs – I don't get my funding and grants, which has some pretty fucking major financial implications, for me and for the university.

"I have a …" he looked at Liv, he didn't know what he was even supposed to call her, "partner who works in sex crimes. Who comes home hurt, upset and scarred on a regular basis – and I don't know how I'm supposed to help with that. Half the time I don't even know how I'm supposed to interact with that. What experiences do I have that I can ever relate to the things she's seen? And, you know, what? I don't want to be able to relate to what she's seen. I don't even want to think about it. But I do and I worry – because I love her and I don't like to see her hurting. And, if that's not enough, on top of that – she's a cop so I also get to worry that something is going to happen to her. That some asshole is going to shoot her or rape her or kill her – or God knows what. I have no idea what she's going to walk into every day or if she's going to end up coming back in the door that night.

"I have a boy – that I love like he is my own – and have everyone fucking tell me that I don't have any rights in his life. Meanwhile someone who hasn't had anything to do with him does – because he was basically the sperm donor. And, he has cancer. I have spent 10 months of my life now watching a little boy fight cancer in a way that I don't know I could. And I ache for him and I want to take that pain away – and I fucking can't. AND! I live near my family – who is fucking loopy. They love me and I love them. But they drive me fucking crazy.

"I go to fucking counseling for life, OK? To vent, to talk, to get some perspective from a fucking professional. Is that fucking allowed?"

Talbott was still taking notes and not even looking at him.

He shook his head again. "I need a break," he looked a Liv and got up and exited the room.

"Mr. McTeague …" Talbott called after him.

Olivia glared at her. "He said, he needs a break."

She nodded, but added, "I suggest you go tell him to keep it a short one, Ms. Benson – and that he calm himself down and watch the language. We still have a lot of ground to cover."


	52. Chapter 52

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She'd hung around in the hallway outside the bathroom for several minutes – before growing worried and poked her head in to find that hadn't been where he'd retreated to.

It took a while, but she eventually found him sitting outside the building. He was trying to sit just out of sight – down a bit and up on the ledge of one of the landscaping boxes. He was gazing straight ahead but it didn't look like he was looking at anything in particular – not even the pedestrians or the traffic.

She walked up to him slowly and put a bottle of water next to him, before hoisting herself up beside him too. He took the bottle and twisted the cap off, taking a drink and sitting quietly again. She just sat with him – letting him dictate the interaction. She figured he needed that after what had just happened.

"Sorry," he eventually said.

She shook her head. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Will."

"Did I just really fuck things up in there for you?"

"I don't think so," she looked at him. He was still gazing at something in front of him. "I think you're doing OK. It's hard. You could try to watch the swearing a bit, though."

He scuffed his foot on the brick wall behind them. "Yeah, sorry."

"If you'd be more comfortable being in there alone, it's OK, you know," she told him.

He shook his head. "Nah, it's fine." He was examining the concrete. "Sorry you had to find out some of the stuff that way. I feel like I've lied to you or something."

She touched his shoulder. "I don't feel that way."

He glanced up long enough to give her a small smile.

"I'd probably be more concerned if you'd said you hadn't gotten any sort of help coping with that loss."

He shrugged.

"And, I don't think they'll hold it against us either. Who doesn't go to some sort of therapy anymore in this city?" He didn't give her any sort of response, not even a glance. "Well, if they do hold it against us, it can be just as much my fault," she added for him – and managed to get a glance now. "I go to counseling too and disclosed it in my interview as well. I went for a few sessions after the assault and just have kind of kept going." He didn't look at her, but moved his hand over to touch her's and she intertwined her fingers in his.

"We should call and check in on Noah," he said after just sitting and holding her hand for several minutes.

They'd had to take him in for a drip in the morning and had been reluctant about leaving the boy with his parents so they could both come to this.

She nodded. "I called, I was waiting for you outside the john for quite a while."

"It going OK?"

"Yep. Your mom said she made his requested quesadillas but apparently did it wrong."

"Well, no one makes them quite the same way as you," Will gave her a smile.

"Yeah, it's good to know that I've earned a master chef rating at melting cheese onto a tortilla. She said he seemed OK – no puking. They were going to try to get him to lay down for a nap but when she put him on the phone he sounded kind of hyped up. He's trying to teach Uno to your Dad – apparently he's cheating."

"He does cheat," Will agreed. "Badly."

"He's requested Indian for dinner. It was a lengthy order. Chicken korma, saag paneer, aloo gobi, samosas, naan. There was more – I don't remember."

Will shook his head. "That kid is so fucking New York."

"You like it," she nudged his shoulder.

"Nah, I love it," he corrected. "It sounds like an OK dinner plan to me."

She nodded. "We haven't had Indian in a long time. Just good he wants to eat."

"Yeah."

That sat in silence for a while. He was staring into nothing again but would occasionally give her a small glance and a little smile and she'd squeeze his hand a bit tighter in response.

"You think you're almost ready to head back up?" She asked.

"Yeah, let's get this over with," he agreed and pushed himself off the ledge. He offered her his hand again as she dropped the several inches back to the ground.

She brushed off her ass and swiped at his, which looked like it'd collected more gravel and debris in his chosen spot. She handed him the water again and then rubbed his back and pushed her hand up the back of his hair before putting a small kiss at his earlobe.

"Just keep calm, you're doing fine."

He nodded and took her hand to walk back in.

**For my frequent readers - that's likely it until after the weekend again. But there's a bunch coming up. As always, any feedback or suggestions are appreciated.**


	53. Chapter 53

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Good of you to rejoin us, Mr. McTeague," Talbott said rather disapprovingly as they re-entered the room and took their seats. It looked like she hadn't taken any sort of break at all – or even moved for that matter. She was still flipping through their file and looking over the notes she'd taken thus far in the interview.

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine," Will returned sarcastically.

The social worker looked at him sternly but, as usual, made no comment.

"I think we'll move on to talking about your relationship with and responsibilities to Noah, at this point," she said, flipping to something else in the file sitting in front of her.

Will nodded. "That'd be good. I thought that's what we were here for."

"How old was Noah when you became involved in his life?" She asked.

Will tried not to be annoyed by the fact that answers to questions like that would already be in their files – along with statements they'd previously provided and submissions provided by Gwen. Olivia and Gwen had already stressed to him that some of the line of questioning would be aimed at seeing how his answers matched against Liv's, while others were trying to gauge his perspective on his relationship with the boy.

"He was two-ish," he said.

"Tow-ish?" Talbott said to him.

"I don't remember. Older than two, younger than three. Somewhere in his second year. It was the fall when they moved in. I don't remember what month. So I guess he'd have been maybe around two and a half. His birthday is in May."

She jotted something down.

"Tell me about how you went from being a neighbour to acting as a primary caretaker."

"Umm, I'm not sure exactly what you're asking," Will said. "But, I guess, we were neighbours. I saw them a lot in the building and around. We talked. We started sometimes doing things together, on weekends or whatever, so I had more interaction with Noah. I guess as we became better friends, that eventually turned into me helping out a bit – sometimes watching Noah for her if she had to go into work."

"As a babysitter?"

"Ah, I guess," Will said.

"No, that's not fair," Olivia interjected. "He wasn't my babysitter. I had a babysitter for Noah."

"Ms. Benson," Talbott gave her a look.

Olivia sat back a bit in her chair and glanced at Will.

"It just made more sense sometimes for me to take Noah, rather than for her to take him to the babysitter. If it was the middle of the night or the weekend, or whatever. I was right next door – and Noah coming to my place or me going and spending a few hours in their apartment wasn't a big deal."

"So Ms. Benson made a habit of leaving her son on your doorstep in the middle of the night?"

Will sighed – and he could feel Olivia about ready to pounce across the table at that comment.

"That's not what I meant. But, yes, she is a detective. Some times she has to go out at strange hours – and at that point in our friendship, I was OK with helping out. I liked spending time with Noah. She knew he was safe with me. It was good for everyone involved."

"How long had you known Ms. Benson and her son before this habit developed?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I'd say by maybe six –maybe seven or eight – months we were pretty comfortable with the friendship and she trusted me enough to leave Noah with me or have me pick him up from daycare for her or whatever."

"You picked him up from daycare as well?"

"Yeah. I pick him up from daycare as well."

"So where in all of this did you evolve from a babysitter to a primary caretaker?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think there's a date or particular milestone I can apply to that. We were neighbours. We became friends. We lived right next to each other – so we saw each other all the time. I was over to their apartment all the time. We spent a lot of time together when we weren't at work. It just evolved. They became a part of my life and I became a part of theirs – and his – because I was there."

"Why exactly were you so interested in having a relationship with this boy when you didn't have a relationship with his mother?" Talbott said.

"God," he shook his head. "Seriously, if we'd been defining ourselves as 'dating' from early on then this wouldn't even be a question. I'd be expected to be trying to develop a relationship with her son."

Talbott again just looked at him, tapping her pen on the pad in front of her, waiting to see if he'd add more.

"I did have a relationship with Olivia. You don't need to be dating or have to be physically intimate with someone for it to be a close and meaningful relationship.

"We already went over this. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when we met. She clearly indicated she wasn't looking for a relationship – especially with a neighbour. I think that's completely understandable. I certainly wasn't looking for a quick hook-up with a single mother and sleeping with the neighbours seems like a pretty messy idea. I don't know how many times or how many ways we can say that.

"But, yes, it was nice to have an attractive new neighbour. I did notice her. I did know she had a son – right from the beginning. I liked her – call it a crush or whatever the fuck you want. But the important part is that we talked and I felt we connected on some level. She must've too – because we're still fucking talking."

"Will," Olivia said. He glanced at her. She made a calm-down motion with her hand, and said quietly, "Language, attitude."

He sighed and tried to calm his voice. "I didn't start talking to her or working at developing a relationship with her because she had a son and I wanted a relationship with some kid. That has just turned out to be an added bonus – because Noah is … more than I could ever even imagine having in a kid.

"Olivia and I were spending time together. She's a single mother – so that meant when we spent time together, I got to spend time with Noah too, and I came to love him just as much as I do her; and, care about him just as much and look forward to spending time with him just as much. It just happened."

"You weren't trying to fill some sort of hole in your life? With the loss of your wife – that must've felt like the loss of the opportunity to have a family on some level too?" Talbott looked up at him from her note-taking.

"Tessa had been dead about seven years before I even met Olivia and Noah," Will snapped and then reminded himself to calm. "I'd already grieved. I'd moved back to the city. I had been dating. I wasn't looking for anything serious. I wasn't looking to start a family. I didn't go looking for a single mother with a son to fill some hole in my life. This just happened. Isn't that just life? Is this really so different from other people's lives?"

Talbott looked at them and gave a small shrug.

"If you weren't looking to start a family – why become so involved with Ms. Benson and her son?"

He sighed again. "These are just the same questions over and over," he said. Liv rubbed his knee.

"It just happened," he said. "I liked spending time with them. To me, it felt normal. I liked that."

"What felt normal about it?"

"It was normal," he said. "We did normal things. It was someone to talk to. Playing with Noah was a distraction. They both made me smile. Hanging out with them made it easier for me to shutoff work stuff for a while. It kept me from thinking about other things. It was good for me. Maybe I was lonely, I don't know."

"You've said you were dating at the time and that your family lives in the city – and you must have colleagues at work to talk to and spend time with, friends, as well," Talbott said.

"With that logic, you'd have to ask any couple why on Earth they ever started spending time with each other," he spat. "I liked spending time with Olivia – and with Noah. That's all there is to it. It's not some big mystery. I didn't have some sort of covert agenda."

She just made another note. Will turned to Liv and rolled his eyes. But her expression back told him again to calm down.

"Before you moved in together, how regularly would you see Noah – what were some of the responsibilities you had towards him?"

"Umm. I guess I was likely seeing him maybe three weeknights each week. If I picked him up at daycare, I'd usually take him home and do dinner for him. If Liv was really held up at work, I'd do his bath and bedtime routine. Then, there'd be the occasional overnight or whatever, if she got a call." He didn't like the speed at which Talbott was scribbling now.

"And, I guess I probably spent time with both of them at least two weekends of every month. Sometimes three. Sometimes I'd take Noah on my own to the park or whatever … the comic store, a walk, the pool, to give Liv a break and some alone time.

"Since Noah's been sick, I've seen him every day. I've been there every day for almost 11 months now."

"Will basically moved into my apartment after Noah's diagnosis," Olivia said. Talbott again gave her a warning look.

"Tell me about what you've been doing for him during his illness," she said.

"I've been staying with him in the hospital. I take him to appointments. I sit with him in chemo. I've held him during tests. I clean up his vomit. I change his wet sheets. I do laundry. I cook meals. I get him to eat. I play with him. I watch TV with him. I make sure he takes his medication. I put creams on his rashes. I comfort him when he's crying. I try to distract him from everything as much as I can. I pick up prescriptions. I try to educate myself on his condition. I ask questions."

"With all of that, what does his mother do?" Talbott finally cut him off.

"It's a shared responsibility," Will glared. "She does just as much, if not more, than I do. He's her son."

"Why is it your responsibility then? Why are you so involved?"

Will looked down at the table and shook his head again. He was so frustrated.

"Because I want to be." He looked at Olivia. "Because I love both of them – and I don't want them to be going through this on their own. I don't want them to be going through it at all."

"How has your living together changed your role and responsibilities towards Noah?" She asked. "What's a typical day look like now?"

Will shrugged. "I don't know. It depends on what's happening that day – if he has an appointment, what my schedule is. I guess, generally, Liv tends to do more of the morning routine stuff with him and, generally, it's usually me that picks him up after school and does the afternoon and dinner routine. We kind of share bedtime routine. But it varies. It depends on which one of us is taking him to an appointment on a particular day, or if I have afternoon or evening lectures or meetings, or if Liv gets called in. It's just shared. We just figure it out day-to-day."

"Have you had to change how you work at all since taking on a caretaker role for Noah?"

"Yeah, I guess, my perspective on work and what's important and what's not quite as important has changed a lot since I've become more involved in Noah's life. I don't work quite as much. I've made efforts to make time for him – for both of them, I guess particularly on evenings and weekends. With him being sick I've made significant changes to my schedule to be able to be there as much as possible. I had some of my lecture times adjusted, I've changed my office hours, I've missed meetings. I definitely put in less hours now."

"What sort of financial contributions do you make towards Noah's life right now?"

He looked at her. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Raising a child is expensive. Right now you don't have any legal financial responsibility towards the child. If Ms. Benson is successful in having the rights of the biological father terminated, there's a good chance that the judge wouldn't require Mr. Moss to continue paying child support. If to seek that termination, the presentation of a step-parent was provided, it would be the step-father who would become legally and financially responsible for the child. You understand that?"

"Hypothetically – yes," Will said. "Though, we were told that termination of parental rights doesn't necessarily mean the termination of child support."

"Your lawyers can present arguments related to that in court, should you not be able to reach a mediated agreement," Talbott said. "But, I'm relating to you the general outcome of these types of proceedings."

Will looked at Olivia again, and sighed.

"So what do you do now to financially support the child now?" Talbott asked again. Will was still looking at her blankly. "Do you pay any bills, Mr. McTeague?" She offered as a starting point.

"Ah, yeah. We just kind of split them."

"There isn't a bill or any utilities that you are specifically responsible for?" She asked.

He again glanced at Liv. "Ah, yeah. Some of them are in my name. Some are in Liv's. But we just kind of pay them."

"The electric and gas are in his name," Olivia offered, since Will seemed reluctant to provide an answer.

Talbott shot her another look but flipped through the file again.

"Our records show the lease agreement is in your name as well, Mr. McTeague," she said. "Are you paying the rent?"

"Well, the rent comes out of my account but Olivia gives me half the rent each month," Will said. "It just made more sense for me to be the primary on the lease."

Talbott looked up from examining something in the file. "Why's that?"

"Ah, because I have a higher salary than Olivia and with all the medical expenses going on with Noah, my credit rating is higher these days. So it just was easier to get approved under my name."

"So Ms. Benson wouldn't be able to afford to live where you're currently residing should your relationship end?"

He could see her body language tense out of the corner of his eye, and reached out and gripped her hand in his on the table.

"Neither of us could afford to live on our own in our current place of residence. We can afford it on a joint income, which is why we are doing it together," he tried to say calmly.

"Do you pay for any of Noah's medical expenses?"

"No, since he's under Olivia's insurance, it doesn't make much sense for me to pay for any of them."

"He has paid for some of his prescriptions," Olivia said.

Talbott allowed that comment and asked, "Do you have an idea of approximately how much?"

"I'd guess about $7,000," Olivia said. "I can still get it reimbursed when it's on his credit card, though, so we move the money around after I receive the refund."

Talbott nodded. "What about anything that hasn't been covered in terms of his medical needs?"

"He has paid for things – I couldn't estimate how much. I prefer him not to take on Noah's medical expenses."

"Why is that?" Talbott asked, writing something else down.

Olivia shrugged. "Because it's expensive and because he's my son."

"But you've both indicated you are in a relationship and he just now stated he has a higher income than you," Talbott stated, looking between them both.

"It's my preference," Olivia said sternly.

Talbott wrote something down. "How do you feel about that, Mr. McTeague?"

"I wish she'd allow me to help more in that area but we've discussed it several times before and there's really not much point in arguing about it anymore at this point," he said, avoiding making eye contact with Olivia.

"What role would Mr. McTeague play in dealing with Noah's medical costs, should you win the termination of his biological father's parental rights, Ms. Benson?"

"I suppose that would depend on if the judge requires an adoption petition to be put forward to get that termination," she said curtly.

"So you would only allow Mr. McTeague to provide monetary support in that area, should the court decide he is financially responsible for your son?"

She just nodded – to which Will somewhat disapprovingly shook his head.

"Can you please state your answer out loud," Talbott said louder than necessary.

"Yes, that's correct," Olivia responded in a tone she usually saved for her own interrogation room while dealing with humps.

"Yet, you have a father with financial responsibilities and haven't applied for a change in support payments since your son's illness," Talbott said.

Olivia glared at her. "Is that a question or a statement?"

Talbott sat and looked at Olivia for some time, waiting for her to decide whether she would answer or not. But Olivia knew how to play that game and kept quiet, which just caused for the social worker to eventually scribble a few more notes.

"What about groceries, Mr. McTeague?"

"Yeah, I buy groceries. We both buy groceries. It's just … whatever … one of us picks up what we need. I don't think either of us keeps track of it."

"Do you have a sense of who invests more in the food and household supplies?"

He rolled his eyes. "I have no idea. It really doesn't fucking matter to me who paid for the bread and laundry detergent. I don't think that's the kind of thing that's going to make or break either of us."

Talbott glanced at him again from her note-taking.

"What about clothes and other necessities for Noah?"

"Clothes are really not my area," Will said.

"If Noah needs something and I'm not around, Will takes care of buying it for him," Olivia interjected again, this time purposely looking at her watch when Talbot shot her a warning look. They were getting close to two and a half hours of this song-and-dance.

"I don't keep track of how much money I spend on Noah," Will said. "It's a non-issue for me."

"You mentioned your family lives in the city," Talbot stated, again too matter-of-factly. "Are they involved in Noah's life?"

"Yes," Will nodded. "He's with my parents right now. We go out to Staten Island to see them regularly. And, my brothers and their families. He plays with my nieces and nephews. We have spent some holidays together. Various members of my family have helped with watching Noah so Olivia and I can go out sometimes. They've come into the city to see him while he's been in the hospital. They've bought him gifts at Christmas and his birthday. They're involved. He is treated like any other kid in my family."

"Noah thinks of Will's parents as his grandparents," Olivia added. "He calls them Nana and Popa."

"Ms. Benson," Talbott snapped, "this is the last time I am going to tell you. If you can't sit in here as an observer, you are going to have to leave the room. You had your opportunity to provide your input. Unless you are directly spoken to, this is Mr. McTeague's opportunity to speak."

"Hey," Will said, leaning forward onto the table and drilling his eyes into the woman across from him. "I'd really appreciate if you stopped speaking to her that way. We don't need some bureaucrat treating us like we're some sort of criminals here. She can speak, if she wants to. She was told she could be here, I want her here, and I'm not going to sit here and let you talk to her like she's some disobedient child."

Olivia reached out and gripped his bicep, pulling him back into his seat. "Will, it's fine. Calm down."

"It's ridiculous," he told her, slumping back into his chair, and continuing to glare at Talbott.

"What does Noah call you, Mr. McTeague?" Talbott said, not commenting on his rant.

"He calls me Will," he said slowly and purposefully.

"He has never referred to you as his father?"

"Noah has expressly stated multiple times that he knows that Will does 'daddy things' for him," Olivia said, ignoring Talbott's final warning and growing tired of the interview, "and that Will is 'like a daddy.'"

"Yet, he has never called Mr. McTeague daddy," Talbott said, giving Olivia a disapproving look again at her continued interjections. It sounded like a statement and not a question, and she again wrote something down.

"Noah can call me whatever he wants," Will said. "We haven't encouraged him to call me anything other than Will. If he decides he wants to call me something else, and his mother is OK with that, I don't care what the hell he calls me."

Again, Talbott didn't look at them. It was just increasing their agitation with the entire interview, which felt much more like a criminal interrogation. Will was feeling like he was going to be taken to the Tombs for processing at the end of it. Though, he thought the strip search and the fresh-meat bend-over-and-spread-em routine was already well underway.

"Will is Noah's daddy," Olivia almost hissed. She was growing tired of the interview process. She couldn't help but feel she'd dealt with accused rapists and even killers more respectfully than how this process was going. She felt that this woman was doing her best to pick apart Will more than she'd even picked apart her own life.

"Will is the man I have chosen to fulfill that role in the very notable and purposeful absence of his biological father, who has had numerous opportunities to be a part of my son's – his biological son's – life, and he has done everything in his power to avoid doing that, while still ensuring he has enough of a foothold in our lives to make sure he can still try to hurt us.

"Will has asked for nothing in return and has given more to my son then I ever would've expected – especially from a man who willingly spent years being defined as 'just a friend.' There isn't anything in his life you're going to be able to pick apart to show that he being in Noah's life is detrimental. This game of … whatever this is … nitpicking … is reaching the point of ridiculous.

"And, now talking about whether or not Noah calls him 'daddy'? I don't call Will my boyfriend. Why the hell does it matter how we define ourselves within our own family?"

Olivia stopped but had crossed her arms and was clearly fuming.

"Are you finished?" Talbot asked.

"No," she said. "I'm not. Noah doesn't call Will daddy because he hasn't expressed any interest in calling Will daddy. If he wants to try that on for size, he can go right ahead. I can go home and tell him that tonight, if that will make this fucking mediation process better? If that's some other idiotic requirement for us to meet before we can take our petition before the court?

"But to my son, Will is Will and Will will always be Will, no matter what other name Noah decides to call him or what paperwork we sign. And, no matter, what Kurt fucking gets out of this charade. It is this man, sitting next to me, who is going to be the daddy to my son, not that asshole. You aren't taking that away from my son and you aren't taking it away from a man who has selflessly been there for him and for me for almost four fucking years.

"Where has Kurt been in all of that? You fucking tell me – because as far as I can tell he's been on the other side of the world, doing his best to pretend Noah doesn't exist."

Talbott took her eyes off of Olivia and meet the eyes of Will.

"Mr. McTeague, have you ever met Mr. Moss?"

"No."

"Yet you feel you're a better father than Mr. Moss – even though Noah is his son, you deserve to have those parental rights more than he does?"

"Yes."

"How can you determine that?"

"Fucking Christ," Olivia said and stood up. "We're done. Will, com'on."

He took her hand and looked at her. "Liv, sit down. We'll finish."

"Will, it's enough. She's got enough information for her report. This is going to play out the way it's going to play out. We don't need to sit here and be picked apart more than we already have."

He tugged on her arm. "Liv, sit down. It's OK. I'll finish." He nodded at her.

She sighed and shook her head at him but sat back down in her seat and began to examine her hands on the table.

Will looked back at Talbott.

"I've been around for almost four years now, like Olivia said, and Kurt has never come to see Noah. The only communication that Olivia has mentioned to me is him contacting her – about issues related to his support payments or exchanges between their lawyers. It has not been communication directed at wanting to speak with or see Noah. Olivia contacted Kurt after Noah became sick – even though, with her having full legal custody of him, she didn't need to.

"That man was told his child had cancer and there was no reaction from him for three months. That reaction was then to show up at our home unannounced – to supposedly see a child he is a stranger to, who he hasn't seen since he was 18 months old. It was inappropriate and potentially confusing and very frightening for Noah, if Olivia hadn't been able to mitigate the situation. But, it now seems like the real purpose of the visit was to let Olivia know that he was about to add a new layer of hell to our lives.

"Opening up this physical custody and visitation schedule is utter bullshit," his voice trembled at that and he slapped the table. "If he really wanted to see Noah, he would've for years. If he really wanted to see Noah now – he would've submitted a request for an emergency, interim visitation order. He hasn't. If he was really worried about Noah and wanted to be helping – he'd get up-to-date on his support, which is in arrears, and if he was half-a-man and anything resembling a father, he probably should've stepped up himself and offered to provide more support to help cover the cost of medical expenses. He hasn't done any of that.

"He doesn't even know Noah. He knows nothing about him. I doubt he even knows his birthday. Why am I a better father than Kurt Moss? Because I've been here. I've watched Noah grow. I've gotten to know. I've spent time helping him learn and nurturing him. He is a part of my life."

"So tell me about Noah."

"Tell you about Noah?"

"Well, you know him, Mr. McTeague. Tell me about him. Describe him for me. Talk about his interests."

Will sighed and looked at the table shaking his head. He glanced at Olivia but she was still examining the table herself. Her body language was tense and angry.

"OK. Fine," he looked back up and met her eyes.

"Noah is funny. He is a really funny kid. He's only five – so half the time, I don't think he realizes it. But everything is just so matter-of-fact with him. If you tell him something, he'll remember it and he'll regurgitate it like it's God's word.

"He's really bright. His teacher has told us that he's at a Grade 1 reading level already. But we read to him constantly. He loves to be read to – picture books and since being in the hospital, we've started with novels. Right now we are reading The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Before that we did Treasure Island. We're likely going to do Harry Potter after we get through the Narnia series. He's starting to read back to us too. Some of it is clearly just memorization from books we've read to him so many fucking times – but we've also got him some beginning reader books and we're working at it. He's into comics too. I take him out to some of the comic shoppes pretty regularly and he gets some. He loves looking at the pictures. He'll go through them over and over again.

"He loves mazes and dot-to-dots. He's also showing an interest in numbers right now – Sudokus. It's funny because he doesn't quite get it but he's trying. I think because he knows I work in mathematics. So he's trying. But he seems to like science-y type stuff and building and logic. I won't be surprised if he ends up having a knack for math as he gets along in school.

"He fucking loves Lego. Lego is all over our fucking house. We are stepping on it and pulling it out from between the couch cushions constantly. He mostly builds space ships. We have these ledges in our living room and the play room and he just builds all these little vehicle things to put on them. He gets really upset if we move them. So the house generally looks like a decorating disaster.

"I got him hooked on Star Wars by accident, I guess, like a year or so ago. So now everything is Star Wars. I couldn't even tell you how many times we've watched those movies at this point. He likes Return of the Jedi best, because he likes the Ewoks. But it has to be the worst one of the original trilogy. When it isn't about Star Wars, it's about Batman and when it isn't about Batman, it's about Spiderman. We watch a whole lot of superhero cartoons on Netflix. And, we play with action figures a whole lot in our house. He has a healthy interest in police cars and firetrucks too. All the rest of the men in my family are with the FDNY. But at last poll – he wanted to be a Jedi when he grows up. After some conversation, we decided that maybe an astronaut Jedi might be a more realistic option.

"He's really creative and Olivia is fantastic about doing crafts with him. He loves to sit and colour and he could just about spend a whole day at the dining table if you give him a block of plastiscine. You should see some of the fucking things he makes. Animals, buildings – whole little scenes and characters and then he sits there and plays with them. It's like his own personal claymation village.

"Olivia is always coming up with new little craft projects for him to do or buying little kits or coming home with some sort of craft magazine or book. It's kind of hilarious because she is not a crafty person – at all – but Noah so fucking loves all this cut-and-paste and construction paper crap. We take him to little art programs at the community centre or the library. The hospital has some too and he participates in an art therapy programme as well.

"He loves going to the park and climbing on the playgrounds but he's just as happy to run around in the field. We took a soccer ball a lot in the fall. We've been taking him ice skating this winter and he plays ball hockey when we're out at my parent's place. He's expressed some interest in baseball and we've been discussing maybe trying him in T-ball or even Little League this summer. We watch sports on television a lot. Olivia and I both enjoy basketball – so he's been exposed to that the most. We've had him at a Knicks game and a Yankees game. I'd like to do more of that. I'd like to get out to a Rangers game too. He also loves going to the pool – and we have him in a learn-to-swim rehab program directed at sick kids right now too. He loves it and he's doing really well. He's not just splashing around. He is learning his strokes and he can do lengths.

"His favourite food is quesadillas right now – but only when his mom makes them. There's not a strawberry-anything he doesn't like. But he won't eat bananas, not even if you disguise them in a strawberry smoothie, he knows. He also hates cauliflower and isn't too found of tomatoes. It's a struggle at times getting him to eat with the chemo. He goes between not eating and wanting to eat constantly when one of the steroids is in a particular treatment. Then he'll want to eat about a pound of chicken wings – at 2 a.m. and wash it down with steak and eggs at breakfast in the morning. And, yes, we have actually made that for him. He wants us to bring Indian food home tonight. Before all this he wasn't that fussy of eater.

"It's challenging how fussy he can be now. It's challenging too because Olivia and I are both health conscious and accommodating his eating habits and still feeding ourselves – when we're exhausted, is hard. It's been hard to keep up with our own exercise and activities too and most of that has been put on the backburner for now. We try to have Noah in bed by about eight most nights – to have some quiet time to ourselves and to make sure he gets a proper night's sleep. But he is often up and down throughout the night. He has to get a lot of fluids in him with his treatment. Bedwetting was never a problem with him before but it is now. So we usually end up changing the sheets every night.

"We leave for Florida in just over a week for vacation. He seems most excited about seeing an alligator. So hopefully we manage to see one. He also thinks we should see a shark. I don't think that will be happening. Maybe we'll try to find him a dolphin or a manatee. What else do you want to know?"

She didn't look up from the notes she was taking, yet again, and didn't miss a beat: "How's his behaviour?"

"He's a good kid. He has his temper tantrums and moments of not listening or pushing the limits like any kid – but he is generally fine."

"What role do you play in disciplining him?"

"I've always followed Olivia's lead and have adopted the discipline methods that she feels are best for her child. She is stern. Noah knows when he is doing something wrong."

"So tell me about the discipline methods that are used then?"

"We focus on immediate corrective action when he is doing something wrong. It is brought to his attention that he is doing something wrong, he is made to stop, and he is verbally explained to why it is wrong and why it's not going to be tolerated – and a consequence is presented for if he continues the behaviour. We have a time-out spot in our living area that he gets to sit in – away from the toys and out of view of the television – if he continues the behaviour. We don't speak with him while he is in time-out. He is usually in it for about five minutes. If a tantrum continues while he's in time-out, he is moved to his bedroom for a cool-down period. If he gets moved in there, it's usually more like a 20 or 30 minute cool-down time. We always talk to him again after he is out of time out or his room. We have him tell us why he had a time-out. If he isn't able to or doesn't want to do that, he gets to stay there at one minute intervals until he is able to tell us. Usually one extra minute is enough.

"He's had a couple mini-groundings. Those have been taking away his DS or restricting his television time. He gets an allowance for helping with a few chores around the house when he is well enough – setting the table, clearing the table, putting his clothes in the laundry, putting away his toys at the end of the day, keeping the play room tidy, generally helping when asked. His allowance is affected if he hasn't helped in a given week. We also have a swear jar – for all of us – and money from his allowance jar moves to the swear jar, if his language is an issue."

"A swear jar seems like a good idea for you all," Talbott said, still writing. Will nearly felt Olivia swear under her breath at that comment. "Describe Olivia for me."

He saw Olivia lean back in her chair and glare at the woman. Will looked at the ceiling.

"As a mother, you mean?"

"No, not necessarily. Just how you perceive her as a person."

He looked at her and took her hand and waited for her to give him a sideways glance.

"She's the strongest person I have ever met," he told her more-so than Talbott. "She's had her share of knocks and has likely dealt with more than most people – but I've never heard her complain about any of it. She is incredibly committed and passionate – to her job, to those around her, and to her son. She's extremely compassionate as well – and goes out of her way to help people. She is a good friend and a good partner – and I don't mean just to me. She vehemently believes in doing what is right, even if it's not easy for her or if it's not popular.

"I know deciding to have Noah and to become a single mother wasn't easy for her, especially with balancing it with her career and her line of work – but she's an amazing and dedicated mom. She constantly impresses me with just how good she is at it – and Noah adores her. That little boy is growing up knowing a ridiculous amount of love – and Olivia makes sure he wants for nothing, even though that has meant a lot of sacrifice personally, professionally and financially for her.

"She's strict but she is never unfair. She has a really dry sense of humour, which I love. I think she knows more than most guys about football. I would never describe her as a girly-girl but she can be an encyclopedia on fashion stuff, which sometimes makes me mildly uncomfortable and I'm not sure where she's pulling it from. She likes theatre and has read books I've never even heard of. She speaks fluent French but never has been to Paris, even though she's wanted to go since she was 17.

"There isn't a day that I'm not grateful that I met her but she let me get to know her and to be a part of her life – because I completely understand that that's not a privilege that everyone gets and letting people get close to her and her son isn't something she does lightly. But I'm at the point in my life that I can't even imagine anymore what my life would look like right now without them in it. So, yeah, that's how I see Liv. Generally, speaking."

She gave his hand a small squeeze. She had avoided eye contact with him while he was speaking, examining her lap, even though he'd fixed his gaze on her rather than Talbott's sour face. But he turned back towards her now – but she didn't seem to notice, her pen was continuing to move across her yellow pad.

"What about you, Mr. McTeague? Tell me a bit about yourself, in your own words."

Will laughed and rolled his eyes.

"You're fucking serious? After all of this, now you want some sort of introduction? You probably know more about me than most people now. What the hell else do you want to know?"

"This is your final opportunity to add any pertinent information about you, as a person, that you feel we might not have covered."

He shook his head. "I don't feel most of what we covered was that pertinent, to be honest."

She made a note of that.

He sighed. "OK, whatever. Things about me. Hi. I'm Will McTeague. I'm a 39-year-old math professor at NYU. I grow up on Staten Island as the youngest for three boys. My father is was a firefighter and my mother is a retired elementary school secretary. I got my degrees at MIT and Harvard. I came back to New York for a tenure-track position. I've worked my ass through the ranks and now I'm a full professor at NYU. I get really excited about my research – I'm sure you've read some of my publications, right? But my real love is teaching. I really enjoy helping the kids who are there for the right reasons to meet their goals – even if they are really struggling to get to them.

"I like comics and Euro-style strategic board games. I am kind of ridiculously good at most card games – it's mostly math. I've designed some games. You can even buy one of them. You should check it out. I don't play videogames – though I do have a handful of game apps on my phone and the iPad. I say they're for Noah – but if they involve math or physics, I'm likely lying about that. If you didn't know – Angry Birds is all about physics.

"I tend to drink too much caffeine. I try to counter that by living a stupidly balanced lifestyle as much as possible in every other way. I've been doing triathlon for about five years now. I like the self-control, commitment and the mental and physical pushing that's involved in it. I find it extremely cathartic. I also enjoy sports – and the numbers and math within sports. I play shinny hockey with my brothers the second Saturday of each month. I love the Knicks. I love the Yankees more.

"I love Noah. I love Olivia just a healthy bit more than I love her son. I don't need some sort of shiny commitment or the title of boyfriend, husband or step-parent to know that I intend to stick around. I am a little shy and I'm an intensely private person – and because of that, I'd say it's an understatement to say that this interview has been extremely challenging for me. And, at this point, I don't think you much need to know anything else."

Talbott nodded. "OK. My office will be in touch with your attorney, should we need to speak again."

"Well, let's hope that doesn't happen," Will said harshly and looked to Liv. "Let's get the hell out of here."

She was up and out the door without even giving a glance to Talbott.


	54. Chapter 54

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She saw Will wipe at his eyes when she appeared in the doorway of Noah's bedroom.

She had awoken to find herself alone in bed. It didn't take long for her to locate Will sitting on the floor at the foot of Noah's bed. It was a position she was familiar with. She'd found herself sitting in the same place many times over the past year. It was a good place to think – the quiet of watching the boy sleep, in moments when he didn't seem in pain and you could almost forget he was battling cancer.

She went and sat on the edge of Noah's bed and softly rubbed her son's back. He was right passed out.

"Did I sleep through him being up?" She whispered, even though she knew the answer. She never slept through Noah being awake. Her maternal instincts on that had kicked in from about the day he was born. She always knew when he was awake and wanted or needed her.

Will shook his head, still trying to wipe at his eyes and hide the tears from her. "No, I just …"

She took his hand that he was still swipe at his face. She wasn't sure she had ever seen Will cry before. God knows he had things in his life to cry about – but he was from a family of men. Crying would be frowned upon and likely would've drawn more teasing for his black-sheep ways in his family. Beyond that, he was about as good at trying to hide his emotions as she was. Sometimes she thought he was a bit better. Though he had a tendency to explode a bit faster than she would. But up until that point, he was good at hiding what was going on below the surface. He may keep his feelings to himself – but at the same time, he carried his heart on his sleeve and it was usually very clear that a lot of turmoil was just churning underneath his often sarcastic and closed-off veneer.

"It's OK, it was a rough day," she assured him. He just nodded and diverted her eyes from her steady gaze. "He's not going anywhere," she told him. "Come back upstairs."

She stood but had to tug on his arm a bit before he complied and got up too, patting Noah's sprawled out legs on last time before following her back to their room.

He sat on the edge of their bed, still drilling his hands into his eye sockets. So, figuring he wasn't going to calm and sleep anytime soon, she went into their en suite and began to draw a bath.

They rarely used the large tub in the room, though Noah had recently decided it could double as a swimming training centre. Their habit of setting him in the shower to hose him down after another bed-wetting or puking routine, had him declaring that he was to big for baths anymore and even at regular bath times, he often opted for them to start the shower for him rather than fill the tub. But when he did want a bath, it was up in their room – where the tub was big enough, he literally could turn around and practice being a fish. Or just generally work at flooding their house with his enthusiasm for the water.

He glanced at her when she came back into the room, and started rooting through the drawer that he kept his sleep clothes in. She'd noticed his shirt looked a mess of damp tears and snot. But she eventually took a top back into the bathroom rather than bring it to him.

She stuck her head out several minutes later. "Are you going to come in here or not?"

He kind of shook his head.

"Stop it," she told him, and came out and grabbed his hands. She was already undressed.

He glanced up, briefly examining her body. He was clearly tempted but then shook his head again.

"I just want to go back to bed."

She tugged at his arms again. "You aren't going to sleep right now, anyways. You'll lay there and stew. Come take a bath with me and then you can go to bed. You're covered in snot anyways."

He shook his head at the floor and shot her a small smile.

"I am not covered in snot."

"You are. It's gross. Come take a bath."

He sighed but let her pull him to his feet and lead him to the bathroom. She pushed his arms up for him there and followed it with pulling his shirt up his chest and over his head. She leaned forward and gave his chest some kisses and he allowed his arms to come down and wrap around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and placed a couple kisses there too.

"It's OK, you know," she told him. "It didn't go as badly as you think. You did a good job."

He made a small grunting sound against her – that wasn't really an agreement or disagreement.

She pulled out from him a bit and hooked her thumbs around the waist of his sleep pants, and pushed them down his ass. He co-operated and kicked them the rest of the way down his legs and off to the side, in a pile on the floor.

"Get in," she nearly commanded.

He sighed but complied, lowering himself into the warm water. She was lighting the couple candles they had in there and dimmed the light as low it would go.

When she turned back around he was sitting with his knees drawn up, slouched over them with his arms, drawing them even tighter to his chest.

"Well that looks really comfortable," she commented. He looked up at her and clearly forced himself to try to relax a bit, loosening his arms. "Scooch forward, so I can sit behind you," she offered.

He moved his ass further up the tub but mumbled, "What? Are we enacting a scene from Pretty Woman now?"

"Maybe. Or maybe I just don't want your hard-on poking at me."

He unnecessarily glanced down in the water. "I don't have anything resembling an erection right now."

"Yeah, well, I suspect that might change if my naked ass started rubbing against your crotch," she said, as she stepped in behind him and steadied herself on his slumped shoulders.

"Your boney little ass does nothing for me," he said, still looking ahead.

She gently swatted the back of his head as she lowered herself into the tub. "I've seen evidence to the contrary on multiple occasions."

He just made a hurumph sound and glanced back at her, pretending to rub at the imposed bump left where she'd whacked him.

Her legs came to rest on either side of him but he remained curled in a ball like he was at some sort of gym assembly.

She rubbed his back.

"Lean back, Will," she said.

"I'll just squish you."

"Stop being so difficult and let me take care of you for once," she told him, pulling at his shoulders and he finally complied.

His head came to rest just at her shoulder and her breasts pushed into his back. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his temple. His hands came up to hold hers.

"You've got to stop playing it on rewind, hon," she told him. "It's over. You did fine. Really well."

"Yeah, I guess," he said, rubbing her hands and forearms.

"You can guess, but I know," she said.

She took her hands from him and gathered some water in them to pour over his hair and sat, pushing her fingers through it and massaging his scalp. She felt him relax into it.

He started rubbing her one knee and then running his hand up and down her leg. It tickled a bit but also felt incredibly sensual.

"I like your legs," he mumbled again.

She kissed his temple and the top of his ear. "I know. You've mentioned."

Now he was tapping her foot with his. She brought her hands around him and massaged across his collar bone. She rested her cheek against the side of his head.

"Relax, Will," she urged him again, feeling him moving out of the moment.

"Do you think we're going to win?" He asked.

She sighed into his ear and leaned down a bit to kiss the back of his shoulder and neck.

"I don't know, but we'll just have to cross that bridge when we get to it. We'll figure it out."

He shifted his weight against her a bit and drew her hands into his, intertwining their fingers and stretching their arms as far out as they could go.

"It's not very fair," he commented.

"Hmm," she agreed and pulled their arms back to cross against his chest. "That's life."

He was moving their one set of hands against his heart in small movements, like he was trying to keep up with its beats. She rubbed her cheek against his temple again.

"Stop worrying, Will," she said. "You aren't going anywhere."

He squirreled his head around to look at her. She looked down and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

"As long as you want to be in Noah's life, you're going to be in Noah's life. None of this changes any of that," she assured him again.

He sighed and sunk against her some more.

He was quiet for some time and she splashed water up his arms and chest and rubbed them, continuing to give him little kisses on the back of his head, neck and ears.

"Want to have sex?" He asked out of nowhere after several minutes of letting her dote on him.

She snorted. "Well, when you're so romantic about it." She pushed her thumbs into his scalp some more and he leaned into it. "I thought my boney ass didn't do anything for you."

"Meh, it doesn't. But your crotch against my naked ass might. And your boobs against my back and these legs," he rubbed his hand down the one again, lifting it a bit out of the water.

She kissed his temple again. "Think you can focus on the moment for a while then, Mr. Sulk-y? Don't know I want to be with you if you're thinking about Kurt or Talbott."

"God, there's a way to kill the moment, Liv. Boner gone."

She gave a small laugh against his head. "I think it will be back. It was such a moment, anyways."

He shrugged against her.

"You're lucky I find your overly practical and matter-of-fact nature incredibly endearing," she told him.

He snorted. "I know."

She pushed him forward a bit. "OK, let's get out."


	55. Chapter 55

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Cragen adjusted the collar on his coat as he came out of his office and into the bullpen. It was a Friday – already passed dinner time – and most of his detectives were long gone, hoping they'd manage to get through the weekend without being called in.

He was both surprised and completely unsurprised to see Olivia still sitting at her desk, pouring over some paperwork. He walked over and tapped lightly on the corner. She looked up at him and offered a small smile.

"You're here late," he commented.

She just nodded. "Yeah, I just wanted to make sure I had things caught up on before being away for a couple weeks."

He gave a small sigh. He didn't like how affected she was by the review at work. He felt on some level it was his fault – even though it was ultimately out of his control. He would've really preferred she was able to enjoy her holiday and that it wasn't just causing her extra stress. She deserved the time off – and Noah deserved to get some time with her too. He wished she could see it that way and it wasn't marred by everything else going on at work.

"Do you fly out tomorrow then?"

She nodded. "Yeah. 7 a.m. flight. Will be an early morning."

"Noah been on a plane before?"

She shook her head. "He's excited," she allowed.

"Any big plans down there?"

She put down her pen and gave him her attention – trying to be polite. "Ah, not really. We'll likely just enjoy the beach for most of it. I guess Daytona and the Space Centre are kind of nearby. Will's expressed some interest in maybe checking out one of them. We might do one of the theme parks at the end of the trip. Will's been playing travel agent. He knows better what there is to do in the area. But we'll likely just kind of play it by ear. See how Noah's doing."

"How is he doing?"

She shrugged. "He had treatment last week. The worst of that tends to kick in several days later," was all she allowed to that question.

Cragen nodded and looked at her desk. His eyes found the photo she had of her with her boy. It wasn't a recent one. He suspected Noah was about four – based on the size of the boy now. They were both wearing huge smiles. He wondered how often that happened anymore.

"Are you going for the whole two weeks?"

She shook her head. "It was going to be too difficult for Will to get the time off. Not sure how Noah will handle it either. And, I've got some things I want to get done around here anyways."

He knew what she meant – the review meeting. There'd been enough little notes, memos and paperwork from the union flying around that he knew she was taking the matter very seriously. Not to mention the dirty looks Elliot was giving him every chance he got and being subordinate at every opportunity. Olivia had been a little cold with him lately too. He didn't entirely blame her.

"You saw …"

She nodded. "Yeah, Thursday. Got that note."

He just nodded in silent recognition. He knew she would be stressing about it and strategizing and everything else in between. Doing that while supposedly being on holiday would be near impossible. He hoped it didn't ruin their getaway.

"You know, Olivia, if there's anything I can do to make this easier …"

"Well, Captain, unless you want to write a character note for me defending my work ethic and what I've contributed to this unit for almost 14 years …" she'd said it harshly and allowed herself to trail off, realizing it was unnecessary hostility. She sighed. "I think my union rep has it covered."

"I might not be in a position where I can submit that letter on your behalf," he said, "but you should know that I have been defending you and what you bring to this squad. I will at that meeting and in its deliberations too."

She nodded. "Thanks," she said softly, not sure how much she believed him, even though she did know he meant it.

He sighed and stuck his hand into his pocket. He placed a pack of Starburst soft chews on her desk. "For Noah," he said, "popping ears on the plane." He then pulled out a little airplane toy, she suspected maybe a long-ago remnant from when his wife was a flight attendant – before the crash. He nudged it a bit. "That too."

She gave him a smile.

"Don't stay too late," he urged, "and try to enjoy your trip." He trudged towards the elevators before she had the opportunity to respond.


	56. Chapter 56

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Sir, would you like something to drink?" the stewardess asked.

Will looked up from the magazine he was reading on the iPad. He'd been so absorbed in it and the music he had going in the background, he hadn't even realized that the drink cart had been coming down the aisle.

"Ah, I'll just have a coffee, black," he said, taking the ear bud out of the one side.

She placed the coffee on his tray-table and added three small, pre-packaged muffins, which he assumed were for the rest of the row.

"Would you like me to leave anything else for your wife and son?" She offered.

Olivia had her eyes closed next to him and Noah was watching a movie.

Liv had had her eyes closed for much of the flight so far. Though she was usually a fairly early riser – she'd complained about how early they had to be out the door and in the cab for JFK. She'd mentioned more than once that they should've booked out of LaGuardia. He'd had to tell her – again - that the best ticket prices had been out of JFK and either way there wasn't much they could do about it that point.

But he suspected her morning-crankies had more to do with Noah being off-the-walls, rather than having to leave a bit earlier to get to JFK rather than the other airport. Will wasn't sure the kid had slept at all the night before – at least based on the number of times he'd been up in their room asking if it was time to get up yet. It'd reached the point that rather than take him back down to bed, they'd just pulled him into bed with them and tried to get him to lie still enough so they could both get some shut eye. That hadn't really worked either.

His enthusiasm for the trip only increased in the cab and by the time they reached the airport he was basically on Cloud 9. He'd been fascinated with the airport. Will thought he'd actually been a little too excited about getting to go through security. He almost suspected that they were going to have to go through an extra-pat down and search because of the boy's exuberance. He had told about every staff person they met from checking in, to handing in their luggage, to the TSA officer that he was going on vacation – to Florida and he was going to see an alligator. A couple people had smiled and asked him if he was going to Disney World, though, and Noah got confused. That resulted in him quizzing them what Disney World was and if they were going. They'd done their best to deflect those questions, focusing instead on the beach and alligators – which now Will knew they were going to have to be on a week-long mission to find.

After they did manage to make it through security, Noah then made it his mission to touch just about everything he could in the terminal – animated billboards, little playgrounds, charging stations, water fountains. "What's this for?", "Can we go look at that?", "What's in the store?", "There's TVs", "Why do they get to ride on the go-kart?" He'd been especially excited about the moving-sidewalk and had run-ahead of them until he was called at to stop and then had happily tried to walk back to them against the movement, which apparently was even more fun than the momentum that gave him his initial forward motion. He was all smiles and giggles. Olivia, on the other hand, was just about losing her mind with the hand-sanitizer, following after him. He'd had to tell her to relax and they'd just wash his hands when they got to their gate.

At the gate, Noah planted himself on the floor near the window and wanted to know which plane they'd be going on. He had picked out which one he thought they should get on – seemingly based on its size and its tail-art. He was a little disappointed when he couldn't see which one they were actually getting on to when they did get to walk out the ramp. But he had still happily almost skipped down the aisle, dragging Liv with him, in a death-hand-grip, before she managed to direct him into their row.

He again seemed a little disappointed their location. He felt an ideal spot would be sitting over the wing. But he was overjoyed with getting the window seat and had sat with his face plastered against the window, watching the runway rats and giving them a running commentary and endless questions about what he was seeing out of it. Olivia fussed about him not putting his mouth on the window. He insisted he wasn't and she kept pulling him away a bit, trying to get him to sit back.

The boy had examined all the contents in the seat pocket in front of him. He paid special attention to the safety brochure, which he pointed out was kind of like a comic strip. When the safety video came on, he watched it in fascination. Though, it had resulted in questions about if the plane was going to crash, and shouldn't they put on their life jackets now, and where were the boats – and could he see the breathing mask, and was it like the one at the hospital? Will wasn't a big fan of flying anyways and having to assure the kid that the plane was fine and they didn't need to worry about crashes or life vests or yellow-inflatable boats or oxygen masks – but they did need to worry about putting on his seatbelt, was a little embarrassing. He could feel people in surrounding seats clearly listening – and he suspected laughing at them while also wishing they hadn't been seated near a child. But it was a flight to Orlando – during the spring break season – they weren't the only ones with a hyper kid in tow.

There was an initial euphoria of taking off for Noah. He'd been sure to tell them as soon as he felt the plane was in the air – and had gazed on the window fascinated by the city from above in early-daylight. Olivia leaned over into his seat and tried to look out the window with him and point out some landmarks. After that excitement had worn off, he'd become just as excited about the in-flight entertainment system, when he realized it was a touch screen in front of him. Liv had managed to go through the menus and find an appropriate movie for him to watch and plug him into the armrest. Armrest headphones were also apparently extraordinarily cool.

But since getting him plugged into the movie he'd been quiet – going between staring at the screen and occasionally glancing out the window at the clouds. He seemed content. Will was a little surprised he hadn't crashed to sleep yet from the sleepless night and all the excitement – but he was happy that the kid was distracted enough that he and Liv could hopefully zombie for the rest of the trip.

Liv had shut her eyes in short order. He'd tried but wasn't so good at sleeping on airplanes and had eventually dug out the iPad and started reading one of the subscriptions they had on there – but really didn't look at enough.

But with the stewardess' offer of a beverage, Liv opened her eyes and rolled her head towards the aisle.

"I'll have a tea, please," she said.

Will was kind of surprised she was awake - and that she didn't correct the attendant about their martial status.

"Cream? Sugar?"

Liv shook her head no.

"And anything for the boy?"

"Do you have apple juice or whatever – not orange juice?"

The stewardess placed the tea in front of her and then opened a drawer to retrieve a small bottle of apple juice, that she handed to Liv, and then rolled the cart forward to the next row.

Will handed her two of the highly processed muffins – for her and Noah.

"Mmm," she shook her head. "I don't want it and I don't think I want him eating that. Hide it. I'll pull out his snacks if he's hungry."

He nodded and shoved them into the pocket of his seat until he finished his coffee and could reach the backpack at his feet to hide them away.

"Did you sleep?" He asked.

She was opening the juice for Noah and he took it from her and sipped out of the bottle. She watched him for a moment.

"Nah, not really," she said, looking back at him. "How far into the flight are we at this point?"

"Hmm, just over an hour – so we've likely still got about another hour to go."

She nodded and sipped at her tea, before gripping his hand.

"You doing OK?" She knew flying wasn't his favourite thing to do – though he did have to do it a few times a year for work-related conferences. He'd managed to weasel out of any that weren't New York-based, though, since Noah had been sick. She thought that at least it was one positive point – at least for Will – amidst everything.

"Yeah, I'm good," he assured her.

"Did you get any sleep?"

He shook his head. "It's OK. We can take a nap at the hotel for a while."

They didn't get the time-share until the next day at noon. But they'd decided to still fly down on the Saturday. They figured getting to the airport, checked in, flying two hours, getting their bags and car rental and getting out of the airport and then driving for two hours, and getting the keys for the condo and settled there sounded like more than they wanted to handle in one day anyways. So they'd just booked a hotel for the night in Orlando. They figured they could get oriented, rest a bit and maybe do a bit of exploring. Then they could start fresh for the drive on Sunday and deal with getting settled into the condo then.

Liv wanted to know where the hospital was in the city they were supposed to go to anyways. Noah's counts on Friday had come back good and his oncologist had again confirmed they were good to go – but they both were still a little worried. With the travel and the fatigue and the crowds of people and exposure of germs – they kind of felt like they might just be waiting for Noah to get hit by something, for his counts not to be able to hold it off, and for him to end up hospitalized in another state. Basically one of their worst nightmares. They'd told themselves not to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Right now, Noah seemed more than fine. He was happy, excited and looked pretty good for a sick kid.

"Surprised you didn't jump down that woman's throat there," Will commented, as she'd gone back to her tea and watching Noah.

She glanced back at him. "About what?"

He nudged her shoulder with his. "Wife, son."

She gave him a smile and snorted. "Oh, whatever."

"I told you we should've gotten matching tshirts. It's what families do, stand out in a crowd on these kinds of vacations, find each other."

"We aren't from the burbs," she told him again. "Show some class."

"You just don't want to be part of Team McTeague," he teased.

"Because I'm Team Benson," she nudged him back.

"Team Benson-McTeague?" He suggested.

She rolled her eyes at him. "In your dreams."

He nodded and gave her a smile. "Yeah, maybe."

She just shook her head at him.


	57. Chapter 57

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will smiled at her from the hotel bed when she came back into the room. He had the volume turned down low on some history program. He was still in his bathing suit – and already looking like he'd managed to get a bit of sun. Noah was sprawled on top of a towel, also still in his slightly damp suit, on the next bed.

She examined her son for a moment – assuring herself that he didn't look burned at all – and then got into the bed with Will. She wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek and nose against his chest. His arm snaked around her. He had a bit of goose-flesh, his damp skin likely reacting to the deep chill of the air conditioning in the room.

"Mmm, you smell like chlorine," she mumbled against him.

"Yep. Made sure it was good and chlorine-y before letting him jump in," he assured her.

"Did he have fun?"

He nodded, his chin hitting on the top of her head. "Yeah, that's a fantastic pool. It's huge. It has a fucking waterfall and a slide. Cabanas. Longue chairs. You'll have to come down with us later tonight, if we're up for it."

She made a "mmm" sound against him again.

"You smell way, way, way better then chlorine," he told her, burying his nose into her hair some more. "Was it good?"

"Incredible," she mumbled against him, already closing her eyes.

Will had been shamelessly flirting with the front-desk girl at check-in. She sometimes found it funny how shy and awkward Will could be in social settings or large groups but how in other scenarios – especially one-on-one and in his lectures -he effortlessly turned on the charm and could work the room. He called it his "donor dollars smile." She just called it McTeague men most of the time. They were all Mr. Personality when in their element. She wasn't sure how she felt about him being in his element when it came to dealing with the 20-something at the front desk – but at that point she'd just been happy to be at the hotel and almost to their room.

She'd almost been more surprised that in being Mr. Charming with the clerk, he'd noticed her thumbing at the laminated spa brochure that was sitting on display on the desk top.

"That's on-site?" Will had asked the girl. "Do you have another one of those brochures we can take upstairs?" The clerk had nodded and pulled a paper one out from behind the desk.

Will had pushed it towards her and nodded at it. She'd kind of ignored it and pretended to be watching where Noah was standing behind them – having adopted Will's bouncing on the balls of his feet nervous stance and examining the rows upon rows of brochures for local tourist attractions.

Something Olivia wished someone had told them about arriving at Orlando airport was that after you get off the terminal monorail – to get to the baggage turnstiles and the car rental desks, you first have to walk through a section with huge billboards advertising all the parks and also mini gift shops from each park too. Noah had just about gone on sensory overload – there were Spiderman pictures and Sherk and Harry Potter and Mickey Mouse and Sea World whales and dolphins and space ships. It was all they could do to keep him from wanting to run into every shop. Olivia had gripped onto his hand tightly but he'd still been pulling at it and excitedly pointing. They'd then had to try to explain to him exactly where they were in a way that was non-committal about doing any of it while he's eyes grew wider and wider with excitement as he spotted each new character and advertisement. Now he had brochures to look at again reminding him of all the adventures he could potentially go on and not truly understanding that in the morning they'd be heading out to the coast – even though they'd tried to explain that to him already, promising him that they'd be doing fun things but not everything. They were going to the beach, and to see the ocean and to see alligators, her and Will had emphasized repeatedly.

"You should call them when we get upstairs," he'd suggested when she hadn't picked up the brochure. He bent and mouthed his lips against her temple in a small kiss, even though he knew she hated public displays of affection.

"Not really my thing," she said, still watching Noah who had started pulling brochures out of the rack now. She was somewhat belatedly deciding if she was going to let him or put a stop to it.

"Mmm, it's your holiday. Make it your thing. You deserve it," he'd said.

When she still wasn't reacting when they got into the room, he'd eventually called down for her and determined they had space for her to go down right then. So he told her to look at the brochure, pick something and move her ass.

She'd still ignored him and so he'd started to ignore her – demanding Noah get outfitted in his bathing suit, steadfastly putting bandages and wrap over his port, smearing him with sunscreen while taking special care to rub it into his face, ears and scalp and then helping the boy pull a UV shirt over his head. He'd then dropped a baseball cap backwards on the top of Noah's head before disappearing back into the bathroom himself to change. She still some times found it strange to watch how routine Will treated getting her son ready for anything. Noah would just comply like it was completely normal for this man to be caring for him and Will went about it like it was the most natural thing in the world for him.

"Well Mom sits and tries to be as stubborn as possible, let's go check out the pool, bud," he'd said, gathering their towels.

Noah didn't need to be told twice and was marching towards the door with a "See you later Mommy" before Will had even finished shoving his feet into his canvas shoes.

"We're going to get this vacation started," he directed at her.

"I'm not invited?" She said almost hurt, though she'd sat there watching the activity, knowing full-well that he was getting them ready for the pool. It was clear that Noah was still too excited to settle for a nap yet.

"Go downstairs," he'd nodded at her. "Otherwise, you lay down for a bit. Before you fall down."

She'd sighed but didn't protest as he'd herded her son out the door. Still, she'd sat on the edge of the bed for several minutes deciding if she was going to take a nap or spend a stupid amount of money on something ridiculous. For an unimportant decision, she sure spent a lot of time mulling it over, before she eventually decided to go down to the spa. She knew it would make Will happy that she did – and she figured she'd like it too.

"What'd you decide to get done?" Will asked, rubbing at her back and turning off the television with his free hand.

"A massage and facial - and this coconut scrub and wrap thing," she said.

"I thought I smelled coconut," he commented and held her a bit closed. "Feel better?"

She rubbed her cheek against his chest in a nod. "It was nice, thank you for forcing me to go."

He snorted. "Like I can force you do anything."

"Mmm, you've got a knack at figuring out how to get what you want. Pisses me off."

"Ah," he said quietly.

"How long has Noah been out?" She asked – her eyes still closed.

He glanced at the bedside clock. "Hmm, we've been back about half-an-hour and he was out pretty instantly."

"This is a nice hotel," she mumbled again. He smiled and rubbed her back some more.

"Mmm, I can call down and ask if they've got a room for us at the end of the trip too."

She nodded. "Yeah, that might be good."

He kissed the top of her head. She hadn't opened her eyes since laying against him. "Just go to sleep, Liv. Before he's up again."

"What are we going to do for the rest of the afternoon?" She mumbled.

"We'll figure that out after everyone wakes up."

"You're going to sleep?" She asked, and he felt her nuzzle against his chest even more. She face felt softer than usual – he suspected from the treatment.

He put another kiss in her hair. "Yeah."

"Can we get under the covers?" She asked. "You're all cold and goosey."

He smiled. "Sure."

He was about to get up, but she left go of him and just lifted her ass and worked at pulling and then kicking the covers down enough for them to slip their feet under them and pull them up to their necks. She curled back against him after she was apparently suitably comfortable with the blanket situation.

He watched her and kept rubbing her arm as she settled and her breathing drifted into the rhythm he'd become familiar with as her sleeping. After he was suitably assured she was out for the time-being, he'd glanced over at Noah, making sure the boy was also still resting comfortably and then shimmied under the covers a bit more himself, pulled Olivia a bit tighter to him and closed his eyes as well.


	58. Chapter 58

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"We don't pay this much for food in the city," she complained at Will, looking over the menu, which she was finding kind of grotesque.

He glanced at her from where he was attempting to find something that looked edible on the menu too. "Well, I don't think we're paying for the food, Liv," he said.

She looked at him. "Then what the hell are we paying for?"

Will nodded at Noah. "That," he said.

Olivia finally looked up from her menu and allowed herself to smile. Noah had completely stopped looking at or colouring the kids menu. Instead he was on his knees up on the chair, gazing behind him. His head moving in a way that it was clear he was having trouble deciding what to look at.

Will had suggested they head over to the Downtown Disney area after everyone had gotten back up and seemed to be itching to do something other than spend what was left of the afternoon sitting in a hotel room. Olivia wasn't sure how she felt about that idea – but Will had insisted that it was just an outdoor shopping mall and restaurant strip. So she'd reluctantly agreed. Though, it had proven to be much more than just some outdoor market.

After some looking around and Noah again going into sensory overload, they'd settled on eating at the T-Rex Café, mostly because Noah had just about lost it when he saw the animatronic dinosaurs outside the giant volcano and then realized it was also a restaurant. There really wasn't a way they could avoid going in at that point. Her son wasn't one to have giant temper tantrums in public – but she'd suspected with him still running on fatigue and his little mind trying to wrap itself around everything it was seeing and the excitement that was oozing out of him, if they'd tried to drag him by it she instinctively knew there were going to be tears. And, what the hell, she'd thought, they needed to get some food at that point anyways.

After the hostess had given them a mini-tour of the space, which included numerous life-sized moving and roaring dinosaurs, they'd been seated in an area that had giant aquarium pillars filled with exotic fish. Four dinosaurs were still in sight for Noah to gaze at too – and every 15 minutes or so, a meteor shower light show was going off in the restaurant. Noah couldn't decide what to look at, completely fascinated with all the activity around him. He was glowing.

She hadn't seen him this happy in a long time. He just looked so genuinely enthralled with everything so far. He was acting like a kid his age should act. It made her smile – she thought somewhat stupidly and she was already feeling the muscles in her face ache from all the smiling she'd done so far and they weren't even through day 1 of their holiday and really hadn't done anything yet.

She was almost somewhat surprised that Noah was quite as taken with everything as he was. It wasn't like they didn't do anything with him in the city. Though the kind of activities they did with him in New York were a little different – museums and the parks, mostly – they did get him out and about as much as possible when his counts and general health allowed him to be up for it. But this certainly wasn't New York. It took in-your-face to a different level in a way that was pretty different from the grit and culture of the city.

"Sweets," she called to him and he glanced at her. "You want to sit down in your chair for a minute, please, and help us pick something for supper."

He reluctantly complied and picked up one of the crayons to start colouring on his menu again.

"What do you think you want, sweets?" She asked him.

"Quesadillas," he said. Christ, even on vacation, it's all he'll eat, she thought.

She looked at the menu. "OK, Noah, they do have quesadillas but they've got chicken, peppers, onions and cheese on them – and salsa and sour cream. No gauc. They aren't like at home, honey. Will you still eat them? We can ask them to take some of the things off for you."

Noah shrugged. "Mom, can we go dig now?" He asked. The hostess had made sure to point out that for an additional $5, Noah could go and spend some time digging in a sandpit behind the restaurant with shovels and paint brushes in search of buried fossils. There was no way Noah was going to leave the place without that opportunity. He'd already speculated about what he was going to find out there – not quite grasping that it was all fake and he didn't get to take any of his discoveries with him.

"After we eat, sweets," she assured him again. "They have lasagna. Do you think you might like that?"

He nodded. "Garlic toast," he added.

She looked at the menu. She wasn't sure garlic toast was an option at this place – but at least she might be able to get him to eat some of the pasta. Pasta wouldn't have been her first choice in the heat outside – but there really wasn't much on the menu she could imagine her son eating, or her and Will for that matter.

"These serving sizes look insane," Will commented as a server walked by again, taking dinosaur-sized feeding platters to a nearby table. "Do you see something you might want to share?"

She made a sound in agreement and looked at the menu some more.

"There's the half-chicken and veg," he suggested.

"Do you seriously think the two of us could eat a half chicken between us?"

"Well we could have the leftovers packed to go," he suggested.

"To drag around with us tomorrow?"

He shrugged.

"Do you want to just get the quesadillas and see if he will eat any of them, in case he turns up his nose at the lasagna? And just one of the salads? The omnivore one sounds OK – could add the chicken breast," she suggested.

He looked at the menu again. "What about the last one?"

She shook her head. "That's a lot of fruit on a salad, no thanks."

He nodded. "OK, your suggestion then. That's fine."

The server had eventually come over – the place wasn't exactly excelling at speedy service – and Will had placed the order for the table.

"Mommy, can I Build-A-Dino after too?" Noah asked not long after the woman had left.

She looked at him and sighed a little. They'd given Noah $50 in spending money for the trip – she'd thought it was a reasonable about for a child his age, if not a little generous. May and Ted had actually insisted on matching the amount, so the boy had $100 burning a hole in his pocket and was struggling with having to plan to make it last the whole week. Coming to Downtown Disney on the first day of their trip wasn't helping the matter, though.

They'd gone into a couple of the stores as they walked down the area. It had been a bit of a mistake. Noah had seen lots of stuffies he seemed to think he wanted, not to mention tshirts. It had been torture for him when he discovered a Star Wars section that had toys and souvenirs he'd never seen anywhere else before and a lightsabre-making station. Getting him away from that had been hard. They'd told him to think about it – that that was important before spending money – and that if he still thought he really wanted it, they'd stop in the store again when they were headed back to the car. She wasn't sure how much he was actually thinking about it, though.

His resolve had weakened even more when they reached the giant Lego store. They'd been in the Lego store at Rockefeller numerous times. But it didn't have nearly as many sculptures. Noah had been happy to have his picture taken with several of them – until he realized they had it set up so he could go in and play in bins of Lego. That had put in half-an-hour as he rooted around and built what he claimed was Batman's motorcycle. But then he wanted to look around and about every second building-set on the shelves, he thought he should have. She had to admit, he was finding some that she hadn't seen before – and he'd excitedly held them up for her to look at, which mostly involved her cautiously turning them over, looking at the price and yet again being shocked at just how much Lego actually cost.

She tried to deflect him from buying any sets. Will and her had already been talking about what they wanted to do for Noah's birthday this year – since he spent his last one in the hospital. Though they were still debating what would be best in terms of a party, family get-together or just keeping it low-key with the three of them – they had decided his presents were likely going to be a Lego set and a ball glove and bat. Beyond that, Ted had gone out and bought Noah and Tom's kids the biggest and fanciest new fire station set. It was a $120 set. She'd balked at it being a just-because gift and had insisted he keep it until Noah's birthday – even then she thought it was a little much money for a little boy's birthday. He'd said it wasn't fair that Tom's kids were getting their's already and Noah had to wait. But she hadn't much cared. She actually thought it was a little unfair that Tom's kids had to share the set while Noah got one all to himself, though she supposed it made sense in some ways. Will had already warned her she might've held off his parents' until Easter – but to not be surprised, if it was wrapped for Noah then and not his birthday. She could only sigh and shake her head. They barely even celebrated Easter - for his parents to be giving Noah a big present? Ridiculous, is what she thought. Either way, she knew Noah had lots of Lego in his future and didn't need to be spending a silly amount of money to add to his collection – especially while on a trip where if he did crack open the box, he'd risk losing pieces. It had taken some convincing to get him to realize that most of the stuff, he could get at the Lego store at home, which they could go to any time. But they had eventually been able to tear him away from the store – reluctantly – and move on.

"Noah, if you want to build a dinosaur in the gift shop, it's going to be out of your trip money. So you need to decide if that's how you really want to spend your money. Don't you think you have lots of stuffies at home? You already have Spike at home too," she reminded him.

"Can't you pay?" He nearly whined.

She shook her head. "Will and I gave you money for the trip, right? And Nana and Popa? It's like allowance, Noah. Mommy wouldn't be buying you this stuff at home, right?"

He shook his head. "But it's vacation, Mom," he protested.

"And that's why you got special trip money," she told him. "And you can spend it however you want – but just remember it has to last the whole trip. We are here nine days. This is day one. How many more days do we have to get through?"

He thought about it. "Eight?"

She nodded. "So do you really want to spend lots of your money today?"

"They look cool," he insisted.

"Yeah, but what if you see something cool on Thursday or Friday – and all your money is gone because you spent it all today?"

He thought again. "Then you'd buy it for me?"

She shook her head. "Nope."

"Will would?"

Will laughed. "Nice try, Noah, no can-do. You've got $100. That's lots for a little boy. I know you can make it last."

"It's not fair," he protested and coloured some more, breaking eye contact with them.

"Hey," Olivia called to him. "No Chief Thundercloud over there. It's very fair. You can spend your money however you want – just no being upset when you run out, sweetheart."

He glanced up at her. She shot him a reassuring smile that she wasn't upset with him and touched his cheek.

"So Noah, what'd you think of what that man had to say about the parks?" Will tried to change the topic. "Any of them sound cool?"

Will had wanted to stop into the guest services building at Downtown Disney to ask some questions about how the parks worked and if they'd even been realistic for Noah. The "cast member" they'd end up in front of had been helpful and enthusiastic – though he'd tried to up-sell them and convince them to spend the last several days of their vacation on the Disney property; staying at a resort, using their transportation, eating their food and visiting the parks – basically providing a steady cash flow to Walt et al.

But even when they'd managed to convince him that really wasn't what they were looking for, he'd done his best to be helpful. He'd given Noah a "My 1st Visit" button to wear and had chatted with him – barely flinching when the boy had indicated he was from "the real New York" and had openly declared "I have cancer."

The man had assured them that with Noah's condition and pulling out a bit of paperwork from his doctor when they got to the guest service centre at whatever park they choose, they'd be able to get a "Personal Victory" button for Noah and some wrist bands for all of them that. Though they wouldn't fast-track them through lines, they would get them into shaded or air conditioned waiting areas for the rides. It would also get some extra attention for the boy from cast members that would help get them access to any special activities Noah might want to take part in. He'd also encouraged them to consider renting one of the child-sized strollers or a wheelchair for the boy – stressing there would be a lot of walking and standing and crowds at this time of year.

He'd listened to them talk a bit about Noah's interests and what they wanted out of their day at Disney. Though he stressed that it really was about personal preference, he'd said many families with children Noah's age and on their first trip to the resort favoured going to the Magic Kingdom. He had admitted that it was a bigger park and with it being spring break season, it would be busy, so he did pull out the Hollywood Studios map when they'd asked about it as well. He pointed out the Star Wars ride for them and emphasized that a lot of the park was about shows and not rides, which might be good in the boy getting a chance to sit down but may be disappointing if they went in expecting to go on numerous rides.

They'd also had a place to measure Noah's height and confirm which rides he would and wouldn't be able to go on. It really became apparent just how much the chemo and the rest of the treatment had stunted his growth. But it seemed like the majority of the rides, he would likely be able to get on at either park.

The man had pulled out the maps for the rest of the parks for them too – including the waterparks, the indoor virtual reality park and the Wide World of Sports, where he let them know the Mets would meet the Braves at spring training that week. It had caught Will's attention and Olivia saw his eyes brighten and asked about what days there'd be training camp camps. It did sound like they might be able to go to a game – which she knew Will would be through the roof about getting the chance to do. But it would depend on which day the decided to come back into the city. They had been talking about driving back on the Friday morning to give them the afternoon and then the full day on the following Saturday. They'd also have most of the day on Sunday – their flight wasn't until the early evening. Her mind made a mental note that it might be better to come back into the city on the Thursday night, though she wasn't yet sure how she felt about giving up that time at the beach.

They'd asked about if there were any discounts for cops or first responder families – but he'd told them no. It did prompt him to express some interest in what Will did and he'd had to point to Liv.

"No me, her," he'd said and the man had sputtered an apology.

"It's OK," she'd teased the blushing man. "I'll take it was a compliment that I don't look like a cop."

"But you are?" He'd clarified, clearly trying to make conversation and correct his wrong. "With the NYPD?"

"Mom's a detective," Noah interjected for her. "It's a special police officer." The man smiled at him and Liv stroked her boy's capped head.

"With the NYPD," she nodded at him.

"Well, we all appreciate your service," he tried to say kindly but it was the kind of compliment that Olivia was never able to accept as sincerity, so she just nodded curtly.

Will had also asked about discounts for 9/11 families, claiming he'd heard there had been following the Attacks but the man had grown solemn and examined him and apologized that they didn't do that anymore.

He did tell them that they could add a hopper feature to their tickets to let them do as many parks in one day as they'd like, though. But Olivia had quickly shot down that idea as crazy, saying she was going to be surprised if they could get Noah through a day at one park.

Noah had seemed pretty oblivious to most of the conversation after he'd gotten his hands on the maps to examine. He'd happily looked at the pictures while they chatted with the guy and eventually thanked him for his help and moved on.

"All of them," Noah had said to Will's question of which looked cool.

"Well, which one looks the coolest?" He asked. "We have time for one this time."

Noah thought about it. "All of them," he suggested again.

Will kind of laughed and looked at Liv.

"Well the one has pirates and rides," she told Noah, "and the other one the man suggested has Star Wars and stunt shows. Which map looked better?"

Noah thought about it. "Is this an important decision?" He asked.

She smiled. "I guess, sort of. So you can think about it for a while."

He nodded. "I should think about it – because they are both cool. But there's Star Wars," he admitted.

"There is Star Wars," she agreed.

"There most definitely is Star Wars," Will added almost too enthusiastically. His preference was clear.


	59. Chapter 59

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He handed her the chilled bottle of hard lemonade, as he slide the patio door closed behind him and then sunk into the longue chair next to her with his own bottle of beer.

"I could get used to this," he commented.

She just made a "mmm" sound in agreement. They'd been sitting out on the large private balcony, looking at the twilight over the ocean and listening to the waves since they'd managed to get Noah down for the night.

It was nice. The heat of the day had given way to a bit of a chill with the breeze coming off the ocean and they'd both pulled on warmer sweaters, though, the temperature drop hadn't scared them back into the timeshare.

The condo hadn't exactly been what they were expecting when they arrived. They'd thought they'd be being put up in some sort of giant condominium building on a timeshare resort. Instead, the facilities were more modest but pleasantly welcoming.

It was a small timeshare resort – more villas than condominiums. Only eight three-storey buildings spotted the property – each containing just twelve units, they woman dealing with handing the keys had told them. But the interiors were comfortable and spacious. Though the décor was Florida kitschy, the appliances, countertops and cabinetry was clearly modern – and equipped with the wireless that Will couldn't live without. The living room and master bedroom had floor to ceiling windows and they felt lucky to have been given a unit that did face the beach – literally on it actually. They barely had to trot down the steps to the ground level to end up on the short pathway to the sand. The large balcony off the living room was just an added bonus. The comfortable longue furniture that was out on it was only complimented by the beach gear that had been left in the unit's storage closet – chairs, umbrellas, boogie boards, Frisbees and enough pails, shovels and other sand toys to make a truly epic sand castle, if not an entire sand village.

After exploring the small property a little bit – which included a pool despite being steps from the water, a basketball court and a small arcade and games room – they'd checked out the beach. Though they'd had Noah out to beaches around the city before – it was a much different experience being in the white, fine sand and the high waves crashing into the coast. The boy had dived right into running along the surf and getting his feet wet. They hadn't gone into the water that day, though they had walked along the surf in their bare feet for quite a while as Noah played.

They'd eventually opted to head back to the timeshare and then headed into town in search of a grocery store to get some necessities. Olivia had acted like she'd never been into a big chain supermarket before and the apparent novelty of it saw them in there longer than expected. By the time they'd gotten back and made dinner – they'd shifted into bedtime routine for Noah, with promises of spending a day on the beach and swimming in the ocean, having to wait until morning.

He looked at Olivia. She'd been acting surprisingly chilled out. Much more so than he had expected. They'd managed to get through two days without her mentioning anything about work, which he was also finding a little perplexing. He knew she was likely still churning about her upcoming review. For her not to be letting that come to the surface was likely hard for her, he understood. But he appreciated that she was trying to keep it in check – likely for Noah's sake but also for his. She'd been quiet that night, though, seeming completely content to just sit and look at the water. She was nursing her drink now and had pulled one of their beach towels over her bare legs, though it wasn't doing the best job at covering her bare feet.

"You cold?" He asked.

She shook her head. "Not really."

"You want a blanket rather than that towel?"

"Nah, I'm fine. Stay, sit, you were just inside." She touched his hand.

They went back to just sitting in each other's company for a while. With it getting darker, some stars were starting to become visible in a way that was much more obvious and prominent than they ever saw in the city.

"Did you ever come down here for spring break in college?" He asked eventually.

"Mmm," she nodded. "More high school, I guess. When I was 16."

Will nodded and took a swig of his beer again. "With older buddy?"

Olivia sideways kicked him, knocking his knee, from where she was sitting. "Older buddy?" She hated the adopted term he'd applied to her brief engagement and intense relationship with one of her mother's students. The relationship had actually probably had more implications for her relationship with her mother – or perhaps more-so the beginning of the end thereof.

"Statutory rape and crossing state lines with a minor – your mother must've loved that," he commented.

"I've never said I slept with him," she responded.

Will looked at her. "Sixteen? Almost 17? Engaged? Running away to Florida? For Spring Break?"

"I've never said I slept with him," she said again, with a small but sly grin, and brought her bottle back to her lips.

"Uh huh," Will said. "You have badass written all over you Olivia Benson," he teased.

She slapped him softly in the chest.

"You have Goodie Two-Shoes written all over you William McTeague," she said. "Besides my childhood wasn't exactly as Sunday dinners, Little League and PTA meetings as your's."

"Oh yeah, we were the regular Cleavers," he rolled his eyes. She knew though he had parents and siblings who loved him, his family life was far from perfect and had its own dark moments. She didn't usually make him feel like he was being some spoiled brat for expressing he'd experienced some pain and had scars from his childhood – and still did - at the hands of his family. She knew he had.

Still, that night, she'd shot him a look. He knew full well, too, that he'd never win the 'who had a crappier childhood' contest against her. Her's had been a special kind of hell. It hurt him knowing she'd had to endure that and that she'd been treated that way by her mother. Sometimes it made him surprised Olivia had acquired the skills to be such a fantastic mom. But he also knew it was the reason she worked so hard to ensure Noah didn't want for anything, and knew he was loved and she was unconditionally there for him.

Olivia didn't talk about her mother much – from what she had said, Will was glad he'd never had the opportunity to meet her. This successful, professional woman - fairly highly regarded at least at her university - but an alcoholic who borderline made her daughter grow up in a house of neglect and abuse. As far as Will was concerned, she purposely punished Olivia for something that was well beyond her control, or any child's control – who their father was. Will suspected if he had met the woman he might've kicked her into a wall too – and probably have landed in just as much, if not more, legal trouble than Liv had as a teen.

"You wouldn't have given me a second look in high school," he said instead of arguing, shifting the topic slightly.

"You were too busy with your math equations and Risk and chess and Star Trek and comics to notice girls anyways," she said.

He made a faux "you hurt me" look – but she was half-ways right.

"But, you're right," she added. "I probably wouldn't have – not in high school, probably not in college either or my 20s. Good thing you caught my at the tail-end of my 30s – when I'd lowered my standards significantly."

"Oooh, mean, Liv, mean." He shook his head.

She smiled and leaned over to shake his knee, just to make sure he knew she was only teasing him.

"And it still took me what? Almost three years to get you to give me a chance?" He asked.

"Hmm, no, I wouldn't say that," she said after thinking about it for a second. "You won me over pretty quick. It just took me a while to convince myself that I was allowed to give it a chance."

"A long while," he added for her. "How's that working out for you anyways?"

She smiled at him again. "Pretty well, I think. Most days."

"Most days?"

"Most days – we all have room for improvement. Including you, William McTeague."

"As long as you don't start writing those much needed improvements down on a honey-do list," he said, taking another drink.

She laughed. It was a real one. That was what she had always liked about him – despite their differences in interests and experiences – he always had been able to make her laugh.


	60. Chapter 60

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

**WARNING AND SPOILER ALERT: THIS CHAPTER IS AN M RATING. THERE'S SEX IN IT - AND MORE SO, A CANDIDATE DISCUSSION OF THEIR SEX LIFE. IF THAT'S NOT YOUR THING OR TMI - SKIP IT. GENERAL GIST OF IT IF YOU DO SKIP IT - THEIR SEX LIFE IS KIND OF BORING AND IN A RUT, THEY TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT AT LEAST FOR ONE NIGHT. WILL PROVES TO BE MR. GOOD-GUY, AS USUAL, BIG SURPRISE.**

"Will, just stop for a second," she told him, reaching up and pushing her one hand against his abdomen.

It had been a good day. They'd decided to drive down to the Kennedy Space Centre's visitors complex. She'd gone in expecting it to be something that would maybe take up an hour and then they could go check out Cocoa Beach a little farther down the road. She'd been surprised just how much was at the centre and how much they'd all gotten into it.

Noah had been ecstatic seeing all the rockets as they walked up to pay the admission fee. Olivia had balked at it at first - $45 each for what she thought was just going to be a museum seemed a little absurd even for Florida tourist prices. But Will had pointed out that they really couldn't walk away now that they were standing in line and Noah was clearly giddy. She'd grumbled a bit about how much money they were spending on what was supposed to be a budget holiday but had relented. She was glad she had when they got inside. Noah's excitement about it all and his pure glee when they got to meet an astronaut and he got to ask what it was like to float in space and tell the man he was going to be an astronaut when he grew up – that alone was worth the price of admission.

She'd been impressed with the expanse of the place and the variety of exhibits and activities available. It certainly wasn't just a museum. Though, as she had watched other families in the complex, it had been clear to her that it was definitely directed that families with older children or kids who were more comfortable in museum environments. She'd seen lots of kids throwing fits about being bored and pre-teens trailing behind their parents on iPods and whining. It was clear that a lot of the kids there had been dragged inside against their will for the sake of their dad who wanted to check it out. It made her feel a little bad for the men and kind of proud of her son. Noah was strikingly engaged in it all.

With the Museum of Natural History basically being little more than their neighbour anymore they'd gotten a family membership and almost treated it like an additional playground at Central Park. They'd already made numerous visits to the Rose Centre and the Hayden Planetarium and Noah had been just as enthralled in there. Watching the other families around them she was glad her small son was able to enjoy the experience. Not just that, but that he knew how to behave in public and not be some spoiled whiney brat - and was able to take in an activity that wasn't just the blatant commercialism they'd seen during their 24 hours in Orlando. More than that, that he was able to share in something that was clearly making Will incredibly happy too.

She'd actually had found it a bit of a turn-on watching how into it all Will had been. She'd found it a little funny. He was coming off as almost as much of a little boy about it all as Noah was. He'd excitedly pointed out and explained to her some things at the various displays – and she'd found herself looping her arm around his and clutching his hand more than she normally would. She couldn't stop smiling and watching as Will would pick up Noah so he could see something better, patiently explaining things in terms a five-year-old could understand and trying to answer the boy's battery of questions. Noah kept grabbing her hand too and dragging her off to show her something – sometimes clearly trying to regurgitate something Will had just told him. It made her want to hug them both to bits.

It had been a long day, though. They'd gone on the bus tour and got off at all the stops and then spent hours more wandering around the pavilions on the main complex. They'd gone on the launch simulator ride three times, Noah was so enthusiastic and the line wasn't long. She suspected it was because some more of the spoiled brats didn't feel it was much of a ride after spending a week on Orlando rollercoasters - based on the smack-talk going on as they walked down the exit ramp each time and had to wade between moody and sulking kids. To Noah, though, it might as well have been an actual trip to the moon. He didn't care that it was little more than a shaking chair and a projector screen with a minor tilting trick at the end to create a fake sensation of zero gravity. They'd gone to one of the IMAX movies, taken a break for ice cream and the kids' rocket themed playground – that turned into a good sitting break for her and Will as Noah played, and then gone to a Star Trek themed science show. She thought Will had been significantly more taken with the show than Noah. He'd tried to impress her with, what she'd kind of thought was his terrifying ability, to answer all the trivia questions being projected on the monitors on either side of the stage before the show started. She'd almost had to remind herself that she was finding him particularly attractive that day – and to not be turned off by his nerd showing. They'd then spent a ridiculous amount of time in the gift shop and she was still trying to figure out if it was Will or Noah who had spent more money in there.

Just when she thought the day was coming to an end, the woman at the exit had stamped their tickets for them, telling them the admission included a second day, as well as entrance to the Astronaut Hall of Fame off site – and that it was still open for about two hours before locking up for the day. At that point in the day, they'd agreed it wasn't worth going in search of another beach and they should just start the drive back to their timeshare community. But as they passed the Hall of Fame, Will had said it wouldn't hurt to take a look – that it seemed like a small building, and they might as well take a peak while they were there. She hadn't protested but it definitely had enough in it to keep them busy for the rest of the day. They'd actually had the staff come and clear them and the last of the remaining visitors out of the exhibit hall at closing time. The place had had several simulators – all of which both Will and Noah had had to try, and then she couldn't be the only one left out. There'd be virtual reality games that needed to be played too. They really hadn't gotten to looking at any of the exhibits in the building before they got kicked out.

By the time they did get home, Noah had passed out at the dinner table, his face nearly hitting his plate before she'd scooped him up and taken him to his bedroom. Even as she'd changed him out of his day's clothes –he'd hardly roused at all. He hadn't shown any sign of stirring since either. He was completely exhausted from the day and appeared to be out for the count in a way she hadn't seen in the better part of a year.

Will had still been flying high though. His was smiling in a way she rarely saw. He seemed genuinely relaxed and happy. There wasn't that whirlpool of stinging emotions that she usually saw brewing just under his surface. She'd found it drawing her to him in a way different than usual – and even though she was tired from the day as well, with Noah out, she had been taking advantage of it.

It had started as she just being a little more touchy with him than she usually was and giving him small kisses. But he'd noticed and it'd turned it into a make-out session in fairly short-order. That had evolved into a fairly lengthy foreplay session.

To say she'd been enjoying it would've been to put it mildly. Her and Will rarely got alone time together. They'd officially been together for close to a year and she could probably count on her two hands the number of times they'd actually managed to make the time to just go at it on their own terms without treating Noah like some sort of ticking alarm clock in the next room. They'd managed to try to go out on something resembling a date about once a month. At least when they'd both still had their own condos they could sneak back to his place for some fooling around and sex in privacy. And, though she loved the townhouse, it'd certainly changed that dynamic. Now dates looked more like them going out to the boxing gym, a spin class or out for a run together – likely trying to beat out some of the pent up frustration they had. Neither of them were really into the concept of paying for a hotel room so they could get a few hours of alone time. So instead, they tried to do the best with what they got at home. It still included making out, foreplay and regular sex but it often was shorter than she would've liked and always felt a little rushed and cautious.

But they'd both seemed in the moment that night and not overly focused on trying to keep some part of their hearing and line of vision on the lookout for Noah. She figured their fooling around had gone on for the better part of an hour – which is something that had pretty much been unheard of for them so far in their relationship. It felt so good and different from their usual routine and he'd seemed so relaxed and focused on what they were doing too. It had made her crave the time even more. She didn't want it to stop yet. But he'd managed to get her off manually, which had also been better than usual in her relaxed state. Unfortunately, he'd taken her orgasm as a sign that it was his turn and they were moving onto to the actual act.

She acknowledged that in their usual routine, that that was just the way it was. He was always attentive to her needs unless she gave him a signal that she wanted him to move on or that it just wasn't going to happen for her that night but he could still take his turn. Their transition from her orgasm to them jumping into their sex routine usually happened pretty quickly. But their whole intimacy routine was all pretty quick and routine. To the point that she probably could probably predict the time for each step and the exact positions they'd go through. They might as well have some sort of flow chart.

They'd do about 12 minutes of foreplay – and he usually was able get her off in that time, if she was able to keep herself in the moment enough. They'd arrange themselves for sex – and that phase shift through two fairly organic missionary positions. The first just felt good and sometimes if they'd taken a bit longer with the foreplay, she was able to get off again or still have her first if she'd encouraged him to move on before taking her turn. After a couple minutes of that, she'd re-arrange her legs, pull his hips forward and open herself up a bit more for him. He'd always just take it as a sign it was she was fine and it was his turn and he was almost predictable in his little routine of pace and rhythm until he got off. The entire penetration time would last maybe five minutes. They'd lay together and cuddle for maybe another 10 minutes and then she'd usually get up to go wash up or they'd both be getting up to put some clothes back on.

She wouldn't say it was bad. Because it wasn't. Will had proven himself to be a very competent and attentive lover. She was at the point in her life that she hadn't been bashful about telling him what she wanted or needed – or at least moving his hands where she wanted them or adjusting her own or his positioning to make it better for her. He hadn't seemed to take offense to any of the small tutorials about how her body worked and she really hadn't had to instruct him on anything more than once. He seemed to absorb it and it would re-emerge in their later sessions without her having to remind him again. There was some truth in that even so-so sex was better than no sex. She really just appreciated that she was getting laid on a regular basis – and not having to handle everything herself. She knew Will felt about the same way. But she also felt lucky to be with a man that was kind and gentle with her while still knowing how to make her feel like a woman that he truly wanted.

It was just they'd become kind of stuck in a rut of their imposed routine. She understood why – and she knew she was just as much to blame as him. It was hard. They were both so tired and distracted all the time. Trying to establish a normal relationship with a healthy sex life amidst everything else that had been happening around them hadn't exactly been easy. She was actually kind of impressed that they'd managed it as well as they had and that they'd even managed to make the time to have sex enough that they'd learned what each other's bodies needed to the point that they had been able to establish a convenient and generally effectively satisfying routine - and thus their current rut.

But that night had felt different. It had felt way outside of their usual routine. She wanted to enjoy it as long as possible. Even though her being had been screaming that she wanted him in her - she'd been holding off, not wanting it to be over too quickly. She thought he was on a similar wavelength as her – at least until her orgasm. Now he'd apparently gone into routine auto-pilot and was clearly arranging himself and getting ready to penetrate her – having come up on his knees a bit and settled between her legs. It was pulling her out of the moment she'd be savouring pretty quickly.

Concern had washed over his face when she asked him to stop.

"Are you OK?" He'd asked, stopping what he was doing, in adjusting her one leg into a position he knew she usually enjoyed.

She nodded. "I'm fine," but sighed, "Just come here for a minute." She reached up and pulled on his bicep, trying to get him lay down beside her.

She saw him look between them, clearly feeling a little cock-blocked, but with his own audible sigh, he complied and settled on his side, looking at her.

"What's up?" He asked. "Why are we stopping?"

She gave him a small smile and wiped at little glean of sweat that had already started to show on his forehead. She gave him a short kiss. She knew she was lucky to have him. Not all guys would've been as prompt at stopping when asked and would've almost certainly been a bit more vocal in their frustrations. But he seemed OK and his only visible physical manifestation of his restless frustration was coming in him moving his one hand to her hip, where he found her hip bone and was rubbing at it with his thumb while the rest of his fingers had wrapped around and where softly massaging the edge of her ass.

"That's just what we always do," she said.

He looked at her carefully. "Well, it usually seems to work out OK," he commented.

She sighed. "We're getting kind of boring, Will." She saw him contemplating that and clearly saw him potentially taking that as an insult about his abilities in bed. "I just mean we're in a bit of a rut, maybe."

His hand moved up her side a bit, lightly touching her side and her ribs. The softness of it felt nice.

"OK," he said eventually. "Well, what do you want to do then?"

She rubbed his bicep, glad that he didn't seem that upset with her and hoping they might be able to salvage the night.

"I liked what we were doing," she said, meeting his eyes directly.

He processed that. "OK," he said. "I just thought you were ready. But no problem."

She sighed again. "I didn't mean it that way, Will. It's just that … Noah's completely dead to the world, we have a lock on the bedroom door. We have the privacy and the time. I was really enjoying just getting to enjoy being with you. Can't we just slow it down a bit? It felt like we were and then ..."

She saw him think about it again for a moment – but then he gave her a small smile and cupped her cheek. "Sure, Liv, it's OK. Sorry." He leaned in and kissed her again.

She felt a little bad about it for a second – like she'd kind of strong-armed him into keeping on going when he was ready to really just get his and call it a night. But she tried to push that to the back of her mind as quickly as possible and to get back into the moment – opening her mouth to deepen and lengthen the kiss.

She reached down and took his erection into her hand. It was clear that he'd soften a bit during their conversation but she felt him react to her touch. His body both tensed and relaxed and he made a small noise into the kiss as his breath caught.

"You're still going to get off, you know," she assured him.

"Mmm," he mumbled against her neck, where he'd moved his mouth. "I know."

They'd settled into kissing and caressing each other again. Though, she definitely noticed that he was letting her take the lead now. So after enjoying it for a few more minutes, she decided to not be so selfish and to take him out of his misery. She gently pushed him over onto his back and straddled him, letting him finally enter her. He didn't comment but gazed up at her and made a little sound as the penetration happened. She watched his chest during the first several seconds as his he clearly tried to control his breathing, and himself, and keep it together. It felt good to her too and his hands settled into her hips as she began to move against him. They quickly became restless, though, and began tracing down her thighs and then up her sides and to her breasts as well before heading back downward.

He'd said "fuck" breathily a couple times and then finally managed to pant out, "OK, Liv, if this is slowing it down, it's not going to work out that way for me. Fair warning."

She rubbed her hands up his chest and tweaked his nipples. That time he groaned out "Fuck" likely louder than he should've with Noah in the next room. She'd felt his reaction to it twitch inside of her too.

"This is just switching it up," she told him, leaning forward to give him a kiss, before running her hands back across his chest and stomach. "Just relax."

"God," he'd moaned in reply.

She just enjoyed the ride for a few minutes too. He felt really good to her. She wasn't looking at anything in particular but kept on looking down to check where he was at him every once in a while. He had a stupid grin plastered on his face and clearly was having trouble deciding where to look too. She caught him watching where they were joined, staring at her breasts, looking at her face, trying to make eye contact and just gazing at the ceiling, clearly trying to hold it together. Watching him, inadvertently made her laugh out loud, which she hadn't meant to do. He adjusted his gaze to meet her eyes.

"What's funny?" He asked.

She adjusted herself so she was leaning over him and gave him another kiss. "You," she said. "You should see your face. Maybe almost as excited as you looked about the rocket ships today."

His smile grew wider at that. "This is way better than the rocket ships," he assured her. "Seems like you're enjoying my rocket ship, though," he teased.

Now she laughed again – and he took the opportunity to wrap his arms around her and flip them over so he was on top. In doing so, he pinned her hands above her head, and he'd given her a look, checking to make sure she was OK with that. She'd given him a small smile to let him know she was fine and he moved his mouth to suck below her ear and then trace down her jawline before settling on her neck as he moved against her.

She sometimes thought he was a little too gentle or too cautious with her. She understood where he was coming from – that with her work he didn't want to do anything that she might have negative feelings about and he certainly didn't want to do anything that she might feel uncomfortable with after her assault. But she sometimes felt it meant he was adding extra, and often unnecessary, checks and balances to their sex life, which just further added to their routine and rut. Though, she also knew she was lucky in that he cared enough to make sure she was comfortable with what they were doing. He never turned it into a big deal or a big verbal discussion. They managed to communicate most of it with little looks and cues. So she couldn't complain about it that much.

He'd started to work down her chest and breasts with his kissing and as he moved his body down further to kiss her stomach again, he'd pulled out of her and she made a small sound of protest and reached for his armpits to pull him back to up to her. But he'd didn't budge, staying his course and mumbling "Relax," against her.

The kisses, and his caresses that had moved to further south too, felt amazing but she managed to mumble, "It's OK, it's your turn. I want you in me."

"Mmm," he mumbled. "In a few minutes. Relax."

Then it was her who was stuck moaning "fuck" and trying to keep in check enough that Noah wouldn't hear.


	61. Chapter 61

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She could feel him looking at her but she'd been trying to ignore it.

It was their last afternoon on the beach. She didn't know where the week had gone and how it had gotten to be Thursday already.

They'd agreed they weren't going to rush it to get back to Orlando on Friday. They'd pack up in the morning and drive into the city. If they managed to get back in time for the Grapefruit League game between the Braves and the Mets, they'd go over and see if they could get tickets. Otherwise, Will had indicated he'd live. Though, she was planning on at least trying to get them all going at a reasonable hour. But she was enjoying the afternoon on the beach – and wasn't in any hurry to start packing that afternoon or evening. She fully intended to soak up as much of the sun and surf as possible in the time she had left there. She was a little disappointed how fast it had gone by. She wasn't even sure she wanted to spend the last two days of their holiday in the city, even though she knew they were going to enjoy that as well. Or at least they'd enjoy watching Noah enjoy it.

She'd sprawled herself out on her towel and was laying on her belly, working on her tan on her back, and reading her novel that she was determined to get through before the vacation was over, while watching Noah. The boy was about 12 feet in front of where her and Will were sitting. He'd been puttering away on some sort of sand pit for the majority of the day. Will had helped him with it earlier but Noah now seemed content to be working on it on his own. He had a little bucket he was taking back and forth to the surf to get water, that he was dumping into it and then was smacking around a muddy mess. He'd really only come over to where they were sitting when he thought he needed more sunscreen (she was glad they'd trained him on that over the week, even though they'd kept him mostly covered in a UV top or surf shirt and had been monitoring the rest of his sunscreen application with a crazy amount of diligence considering the sensitivity of his skin with the drugs he was on. Really the only indication that he'd spent the better part of five days out in the sun was a little bit of pink across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose and the back of legs – otherwise he'd actually taken on just enough colour that he almost looked sort of healthy) or he wanted a drink of some sort.

She glanced back at Will. He was sitting next to her but with his ass planted in the sand – his feet out in front of him and was propping himself up on his hands stretched out behind him. He had his sunglasses on and his cap on frontwards for once shading his face – so she really couldn't see where his eyes at. But the angle of his head told her he was looking at her and not Noah or the ocean. He'd already made several comments during the week that he was in favour of more vacations if it meant he got to spend days on end looking at her in a bathing suit. It made her a little self-conscious, even though it was the sort of thing boyfriends were supposed to say. And, she had to admit she didn't exactly mind getting to look at him on the beach either.

"You're supposed to be watching Noah, not my ass," she told him and saw him shift his gaze a bit. So she went back to reading but felt his gaze settle back on to her moments later.

She glanced back at him again. She could feel he was making eye contact with her but it bugged her that she couldn't see his eyes in the mirrored lens.

"What?" She demanded a little exasperated.

"Marry me," he said.

She snorted and looked back to her book.

He pulled his legs up, bringing them to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees.

"Liv, I'm serious," he said.

She looked back at him again. "Will, no you aren't."

"I am," he told her.

"That was a pretty crappy proposal, if that was serious," she told him – really not sure how serious of conversation they were actually having, because it felt pretty ridiculous.

"You aren't really a schmaltzy romantic type, Liv," he told her and took off his sunglasses so she could see his eyes. He squinted a bit in the sudden sunlight. "You know how I feel about you – and Noah. Marry me."

She shook her head and again turned back to her book – now just trying to pretend she was reading it. She couldn't even focus on a word on the page at that point. She glanced at Noah, at least making sure he wasn't hearing any of the foolishness.

"Liv, everyone is telling us it would make your custody suit easier. Gwen, Casey – even fucking Talbott. Why not just do it? Marry me?"

She snapped her head around. "Will, stop it. We aren't doing this. We've almost gotten through the whole week without talking about any of our bullshit. Please, let's just enjoy the rest of the vacation. Drop it - before Noah hears and you get him all worked up and confused," she stressed more sternly.

She turned away from him but saw him lean over to their backpack and start digging through the front pocket.

Her mind screamed, "Shit!" and she found herself sitting up and finally facing him.

"You better fucking be getting out the sunscreen," she almost hissed at him. She knew he wasn't.

Her hands snapped around his as he held out the little black box, keeping him from opening it.

"Will, put it away," she almost whispered, even though she knew with the breeze and waves she didn't really need to. "Before Noah sees."

He sighed a bit but tried to shove it into her hand, that was still grasping his.

"Just take it," he said. "I didn't really expect you to say yes. That'd be way to normal and simple for you. Just hold onto it. Maybe being able to say I asked and you at least having the ring may count as something in our favour in all of this. A date or something to tell the judge."

She let him leave it in her hand as he pulled his hands away and he turned back to looking out at the ocean – and presumably Noah – pulling his sunglasses off the rim of his hat and back over his eyes.

She sat not really sure what she was supposed to do for a while. She was going between watching him and running her fingers along the little crease along the edge of the box. She eventually turned her body so she was facing back out at the ocean, like he was. She watched Noah too. He must've sensed it because he looked up and gave her a smile and a wave, which she returned and he went back to slapping at a muddy pile of sand.

She sighed a bit and glanced at Will. He wasn't saying anything. His body language didn't seem mad – maybe a little wounded. But it wasn't like he'd completely shut off or was giving her an absolute cold shoulder – maybe just a temperate one.

"How long have you been carrying this around with you?" She asked quietly.

He shrugged. "I don't know." She knew that was a lie. "A couple months."

"Why now then?" She asked.

He shrugged again. "I don't know." She knew that was a lie too.

"Am I allowed to look at it?" She asked cautiously after another several minutes of silence.

"It's your's. You can do whatever you want with it," he said, his tone wasn't harsh but he didn't look at her.

She sighed again and it still took her several more minutes to decide it she was going to flip open the little box. She eventually took a deep breath and did. Seeing the ring just about brought tears to her eyes instantly. It was all she could do to keep from letting out a sob and hating herself.

She looked at him hard. "It's beautiful, Will," she told him but he just shrugged and didn't meet her eyes.

It was beautiful. It was simple – but she wouldn't have expected Will do pick anything that was overly fancy. It wasn't his style and it wouldn't be what she wanted either anyways. The larger diamond was set in a more traditional yellow gold band, compared to the white that were popular anymore. But she usually favoured yellow gold – it just worked better with her complexion. The rock wasn't huge but it was big enough - and it was sparkling in the sun. Set in the band on either side of it was three more small diamonds. She figured three for the three of them and a total of seven – a number that Will had attributed to being somewhat "magical" and important in history and science. A lucky number, according to him. It was just enough that she knew it was definitely from him, that he'd put thought into them as a family, and that he'd spent enough time looking at her jewelry to know what she liked as well.

She sat looking at it for a while, fingering it a bit – and feeling kind of happy and a little sad at the same time. As she was fingering at it a bit, she caught sight of an engraving and turned it a little bit in the box, still not wanting to get it out, but she managed to make it out. "Love is patient," it said simply. She knew the quote: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." It almost made her ache on some level that it had been what he'd picked and she wasn't entirely sure why. But it was so true to them and so true to him and the love he'd shown her.

She eventually became aware that he was watching her and she looked up at him. He gave her a small smile.

"It's OK," he said quietly. "You can think about it."

She leaned over putting her hand on his chest and kissing him. He returned it and she reached up to rub at the back of his head with her free hand.

"Thank you," she told him, resting her head against his forehead and keeping her hand in his hair. "I really do love you," she assured him. She felt a couple tears seep out and start running down her cheeks.

He must've seen and took her face in his hands and wiped them away for her with his thumbs.

"I know," he assured her. "It's OK, Liv. No crying. Hold onto it. I know you'll let me know when you're ready."

She nodded and he put a kiss on her forehead. "OK," he said. "Put it away, before Noah sees, like you said."

She sighed and nodded again, closing the box, and wiping at her eyes again with her wrist, before zipping open the hidden pocket in the bag she'd dragged down with her and burying it in there. She reluctantly re-zipped it and glanced at Will. He was back to his pose, leaning back on his hands, legs stretched out in front of him and watching the boy. She shifted her attention to Noah too and tried not to think too much about it all for the moment. That was easier said than done.


	62. Chapter 62

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Oh com'on," Olivia yelled out. She looked at Will. "That was a crappy call."

His eyes were laughing at her. "Calm down," he told her and kissed her temple.

"It was a crappy call," she said again. "Com'on Ump, what game are you watching?" She called out again.

"Thought we were supposed to be teaching Noah good sportsmanship," he said and nudged her over a bit.

She elbowed him in the ribs from where he had his arm wrapped around her. "Whatever."

She sat up a little straighter and checked for her boy again. He was still not far ahead of them, his hands wrapped around the chain-link fence and rocking his body so his chest would bounce off it and he'd then hang on his arms a bit before swinging himself back into it. He'd gone up between innings and had been yelling at the players he was from New York and wanted an autograph but hadn't had any luck yet. She suspected the fact he was wearing a Yankees cap wasn't really helping his case with the Fucking Mets at all.

"Noah," she called over to him and waved for him to come back when he'd glanced her way. He ran over and set himself in her lap.

"They aren't doing very good, Mom," he told her.

Will laughed. "Your Mom is noticing, buddy. Loudly."

"The Mets never do very good, sweets. It's why they aren't our team, right?"

Noah nodded in agreement with her as she handed him a bottle of water and wrapped her arms around him. She sat observing him a little bit. He was just in short sleeves and they were under the hot sun on the general admission lawn. He didn't look like he was burning – and he shouldn't with the amount of sunscreen they kept spraying onto him. But she wanted to keep an eye on it.

"You having fun, sweets?" She asked him, rubbing her cheek against his ear.

Noah nodded with the bottle of water still in his mouth and managed to slosh it down his front and onto her as well. He giggled about it and she just pulled it a bit away from his skin and brushed off the extra droplets from where they'd landed on her. It'd dry quickly.

"How come we can't sit in the grass at the Yankees?" He asked.

Will laughed and looked at him. He was dead serious. "Noah, we pay waaay too much to sit in the grass at the Yankees."

"This is much gooder, Will," he told him matter-of-factly.

"Better, not gooder," Olivia corrected him off-handedly.

"Oh yeah?" Will asked, hardly registering Liv's teaching moment. "Why's that?"

"You can play and run and sit on the grass and go the fence," he stated. "We could even play baseball too."

Will smiled. "Well, I'm not sure about that part. But you are definitely right about the rest."

"Will we go to the Yankees this summer Mom?" Noah asked, craning his neck to look up at her.

She nodded. "Mmm, likely, sweets. You like going to the ball game?"

He nodded vigourously.

Will smiled some more and reached over and knocked the rim of the boy's cap up his head a bit more.

"We'll go when the Red Sox are in town," he told Noah. "Or maybe we'll convince Mom to go on a road trip to Boston when the Yankees are out there."

"Boston?" Noah had looked at Will.

"Bawstin," he in-toned back to him. "I went to school in Boston, bud. It's even cooler than New York."

"Nah ahh," Noah told him and Olivia smirked and looked at Will.

"You lose," she grinned.

"Ahh, com'on, Noah," he said. "You can't judge it when you've never been there. Boston has the Red Sox and the Bruins and Harvard …"

"That's not technically in Boston," Olivia told him.

"Shut up," he mouthed at her quietly. "And it's got all sorts of cool Revolutionary stuff – Paul Revere, Benjamin Franklin. It's a pretty important place. Did you know they had a tea party and threw all sorts of tea off a boat into the harbour to protest the government? The boat is there still. We could go see it."

"Tea parties are for girls," Noah told him.

Olivia stifled a laugh against her son's shoulder and looked back at Will. She knew he went back to Boston for a weekend every summer to spend time with some of the other alumni from his college days and generally talk nerd while making sure to have his one weekend a year where he got completely wasted – usually while taking in a game at the Green Monster. He'd invited her before and she'd declined without much thought. But e hadn't gotten up last summer with Noah being sick and she knew he was itching to have his getaway in a couple months – though, he'd prefer to make it a family event. He'd mentioned the aquarium, whale watching and driving out the Cape in efforts in tempt her.

"What's New York got that's so great, Noah?" Will asked.

"Mmm," Noah thought about it. "The Statute of Liberty."

"Big deal," Will had retorted.

"Well, Batman and Spiderman live in New York – not Boston," Noah had glared at him.

Will smiled. "Good point. But Batman lives in Gotham."

"You said New York is Gotham," Noah protested.

Will nodded. "OK, you're right. What else do we have?"

"The Yankees – and the Fucking Mets," he stated matter-of-factly.

Olivia pulled him tight against her and put her mouth right at his ear. "Hey," she said sternly. "You don't use that word."

He shifted his eyes to her's and struggled against her grip a bit. "You guys called them that."

Will snorted and glanced at Liv. She'd been more vocal with that language that afternoon than he had.

She rolled her eyes a bit. "OK, none of us should call them that. No more using that word," she told him.

She looked at Will, who was trying not to laugh at her. "Stop it," she mouthed at him and he just shrugged and looked at the ground while getting himself under control.

He eventually looked back at her and smiled.

"You can't blame him," he said. "He knows his baseball. He's got good taste in his teams."

"Mmm," she rolled her eyes again but allowed herself to grin at Will. "Yeah. Because I've let you corrupt him."

"Boys like baseball," he shrugged. "New York boys like the Yankees."

She snorted.

After she'd had the ultrasound and she'd learned the sex of her baby, she'd told Elliot shortly after in almost a shocked dazed. She wasn't sure she'd even really considered that she might have a boy when she'd learned she was pregnant. In her head, if she ever had kids, it was always a little girl.

"I don't have a clue how to raise a son," she remembered saying.

Elliot had looked at her and stated too surely, "You'll be fine, Liv."

She hadn't thought so. She still wasn't sure she knew what to do with a boy – but she couldn't imagine having any other kid but her son anymore. She made the rest of it up as she went along. It had involved learning more about superheroes and dinosaurs and Hot Wheels and fart jokes then she would've ever imagined wanting to integrate into her life.

And, she was glad she had Will to kind of guide it along – and Elliot too. He'd remained a great source to vent at and occasionally dropped little bits of wisdom that she wouldn't have even thought of and when she'd say as much, he'd always shrug with a "Yeah, try it." And if she mentioned to him a while later that it'd worked or Noah had co-operated or even liked it, he'd shrug with a "Yeah", as if saying, "What the hell did you expect?"

She'd had an interest in sports before having Noah. She figured that was just a requirement for living in New York and generally to have dated any. But she'd definitely settled into it more – especially baseball – since spending time with Will. Half the time she didn't know if it was the actual athletics he liked or if he was really just sitting there seeing math and physics equations with every move and running stats in his head. He was definitely a walking sport almanac.

The interest had changed a bit as Noah became more absorbed. She knew part of the reason her son was even interested was because Will was. But with him still just being a little boy and not entirely grasping the concept of any of the games, he was far more interested in the bright colours of the uniforms and caps, the mascots, the loud music and being allowed to yell at games and getting indulge in junk food than he was in what was actually going on on the field. Though, he was slowly starting to grasp some of it more – at least that there were winners and losers and "good guys" and "bad guys" in terms of the teams you should cheer for. It might has well have been another type of superheroes.

She'd been trying to settle into it even more as Noah started to express interest in playing some of the sports himself – another thing she partially blamed on the time they spent with Will. Likely more-so his family – and Noah playing with his older cousins, where everything was a competition or a sport. She knew it was something that Will didn't exactly admire about his family. So he was often out playing referee while they were out at his parents' place and trying to temper Noah's interaction with the other kids – making sure that everyone got praised, equal time and there wasn't winners and losers. Tom's kids hated when Uncle Will was out supervising. Noah, however, hadn't really seemed to notice. To him it was just Will. Will always gave him praise when they were kicking the soccer ball around or swimming or playing a boardgame or pretty much anything else. She expected Noah was likely going to struggle more when he realized that losing was something that really upset some people and came with a stigma. For him, right now, losing was just a word, though he still preferred to say he won – and she supposed that was just a word too.

She found it a little hard to believe, though, with Noah reaching his sixth birthday and expressing the interest, if his health held up, that summer she likely was going to be either a soccer mom or they'd be a Little League family – at least T-ball. She found it funny to think about. She was becoming that stereotype and rather than clawing away from it – it made her smile. She was just happy she had her son there to see it and do it - for them all to be able to enjoy it.

Though, she was rooting a little bit more for T-ball than soccer. Soccer mom did seem to take it to another level. So much more suburban. She'd rather be sitting in the community ball parks with Will and cheering on Noah. Elliot had told her soccer was less of an expense and less of a time commitment – go with European football, he'd offered. She'd been a little surprised, considering he still played baseball on the cops team.

"We live in New York," she'd said. "Little League is like a right of passage."

"You say that now," he'd told her. "Wait until you're running out to the diamond every day after work, spending all your weekends getting sunstroke, washing uniforms constantly – not to mention having to buy a whole new uniform every time he grows. Him 'needing' all the fancy and better and better gear – lighter bats, faster cleats. Vote for soccer."

She wasn't sure Will would vote for soccer either, though. Unless, of course, that ended up being what Noah thought he wanted.

Noah was bouncing in her lap a bit. It was a little uncomfortable but she valued any cuddle time he gave her – especially during this trip. She'd had so many moments over the past week where she'd just been able to look at Noah and see her happy, bubbly, bright little boy. She'd been almost able to pretend that he wasn't still sick. But little things during the day did keep reality creeping in - the medication they were still having to make sure he took, the port they were still having to cover, the blisters he'd gotten on the top of his feet when they hadn't been careful enough about the heat from the sand on his drug-sensitized skin and the afternoon fussing as his body told him he needed to sleep but all the excitement told him to keep pushing on and they'd have to struggle with him to make him slow down.

There'd been several times where one of them had almost force him to settle onto a towel with them on the beach. But as soon as they got him to lie flat, his sick and tired body would accept the rest and his eyes would flutter shut and his breathing settle into that gentle rhythm of sleep. They'd cover him with an extra towel and let him sleep in the warmth of the sun and the sand. There'd been once where Will had carried him back to the condo – but he'd seemed disoriented when he'd gotten up. Noah was much happier to take the nap on the beach and to wake back up on the beach and get right back to playing.

She'd been really pleased with just how well her son had handled the vacation and just how much he seemed to be enjoying it too. It made her feel a little better about everything he'd had to go through. That under it he was still a normal little boy – getting to have a normal spring break with his parents. She thought the experience and the memories of it – and starting to plan their next getaway, which they already were – might give them all what they needed to push through the rest of his treatment. She told herself again, Noah was going to be OK. They were doing this – he was doing it – and he was going to be fine.

She checked on him again, looking down at him in her lap, but he still seemed pretty absorbed in watching the game unfold and looking up into the stands and at the people around them, who'd also ended up on the general admission field.

They'd gotten into Orlando a little late for the game but Olivia had still followed the signs from the Expressway to the Disney resort and taken them over to the stadium at the Wide World of Sports Complex. It was part of the reason she'd volunteered to do the drive back to the city. Will had been insisting all morning that it was OK for them to just go to the hotel and regroup before heading out to do something else for the afternoon. But she figured, if they didn't shoot, they wouldn't score.

She knew it was something Will really wanted to do. He just didn't want to say it or add his desires to the trip – that he'd done his best to make about Noah and her. Beyond that, she wanted to be able to do something nice for him.

She still hadn't given him answer – and even though she knew he didn't expect her to right that moment, the guilt of it was weighing heavily on her. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with him. She just wasn't sure she wanted to be married. She wasn't sure she had the marriage-thing in her. Something about it seemed to grind at her independence in a way that she couldn't wrap her head around. It was like it was having her to give up a piece of herself – like it was some sort of compromise she wasn't willing to make. And part of her felt like he was only doing it anyways for the sake of her custody battle. It was just him trying to make things easier for her. He didn't really love her the way that was needed for until-death-do-us-part. It wasn't him really wanting to be with her – forever.

She knew that wasn't true, though, and she was just making excuses for herself. Providing rationalizations to justify her own insecurities and to make her feel better about if she did tell him she didn't want to go ahead with it. But the concept of being with anyone for the rest of her life – even though she knew most marriages of cops were far from the rest of their lives – was something she couldn't even grasp. She wasn't sure it was something she wanted either. To be stuck with Will for the long haul? No thanks, she thought. Even though she couldn't imagine finding a man she wanted to be with more than Will.

Will wasn't perfect – far from it - but he was handsome, smart, gentle and kind. He made her laugh and smile like few people ever had in her life and he hadn't gone running for the hills when he'd learn what she did for a living and didn't have a morbidly disturbing curiosity about it. He was respectful with her – letting her wear the pants in the relationship probably about 50 per cent of the time and never outright telling her what to do. He wasn't a man's man but he was most definitely a man. He put up with her bullshit – he let her tell him off or be distant – but he'd never let her walk all over him. He was happy to snap back at her, if she deserved, and they definitely bickered – constantly. But he never belittled her. He knew where to draw his lines and he respected hers. He understood boundaries and quiet and privacy. He knew when to pry and when to let things slide. He'd figured out all sorts of ways to support her and demonstrate his pride in her – without coming off as patronizing or controlling.

She actually couldn't really imagine what her and Noah's lives would look like without Will anymore. He'd just become so much of a given in every aspect of her home life and routine. She didn't really know how to separate the two anymore – nor could she even imagine how she could begin to extract Noah from Will's life or Will from his. The pain she knew that would cause both of them hurt her to even think about.

She supposed an even larger reality was that she didn't think she deserved Will. He was such a nice guy and a lot of the time she just didn't feel like she was the nicest person. She felt that she was damaged – in life and genetically – beyond repair, and that that shouldn't be inflicted on another person. That he shouldn't choose to want that in his life – that he could do better. She wasn't sure he'd ever convince her otherwise – no matter how long they spent together, and that wasn't fair to either of them.

She didn't know what she was going to tell him. Her heart said yes. Her head said no. Then she'd look at Noah and wonder if she was really just being unforgivably selfish.

There were still lots of people heading into Champions Field when they got to the parking lot. So she'd followed the directions of the attendant and pulled into a spot and coaxed the boys into getting out of the car – and they'd headed in too. The grounds were impressive – likely another sneak peak of what their day at Disney was going to be like. Everything was clean and wide open and plastered with advertising and directional sign posts. Following the crowds and the signs eventually got them to a ticketing booth line and after queuing for about 15 minutes, they were told that if they wanted to sit in the bleachers, they were going to have an obstructed view. Will had taken that as another sign that the afternoon was not to be and again insisted, he was fine and they should just go check into the hotel.

They'd been bickering back and forth about it – and it was only at that point the ticket agent had told them there was still space on the GA lawn. They'd be sitting on the grass and they'd have to battle for a spot – and who knows what the view would actually be like – but it was only $15 each.

"Great," Olivia had said and started digging out her cash.

"Liv," Will had said. "I'm fine. We'll be under the sun all afternoon," he nodded down at Noah. "Let's just go hang out by the pool or something."

She shook her head. "We've got sunscreen – water, snacks, his meds, his UV shirt. He'll be fine. He'll like it," she insisted.

Noah was watching some of the on-goings on one of the TV monitors above them and had his left index finger hanging around one the belt loops on her capri. He was fine – and completely content – and he loved baseball. Beyond that - it had been a quiet morning. Noah had sat playing with the little NASA playset he'd bought and watching cartoons for about the first time that week as they'd worked at tidying up the condo a bit and making sure they had all their belongings repacked in their suitcases. In the car on the drive back into the city, he'd had been quietly playing his DS and she'd actually caught him in the rearview mirror a couple times drowsing. He really was OK that day. There'd actually been so little activity – watching a baseball game really wasn't going to knock him off his feet with exhaustion. He'd still have energy in reserves for their Disney day the coming morning.

Noah really had been dealing with all the activity surprising well. Still, on the recommendation of his oncologist they'd taken him with the provide requisition into the nearby clinic on Wednesday just to get an update on his counts and vitals. His doctor in New York had called them later in the afternoon to report everything had come back within range. Despite being in a new environment and him having been in crowds and exposed to germs – he was holding his own. As usual. Noah didn't let this stuff drag him down much. She'd wanted it mentally and she'd seen how his little body did it's best to fight it all too. Her son was strong. And, she wasn't going to let Will use him as an excuse to give up something he wanted to do – not that day.

But Will was standing there, still looking at her - expecting her to get on his side and pack it in.

"Will," she told him. "How often are you going to get to watch a spring training game – on the general admission lawn – with one of your hometown teams is playing, even if it is the Fucking Mets?"

He'd sighed. "Liv, I'm fine. We've done lots of stuff I've enjoyed this week. Let's go to the hotel. Rest. We can go to one of those outlet malls or something."

She snorted. "I don't want to shop here," she shook her head at him like he'd lost it. "Com'on. I want to do this. Stop ruining it. We're holding up the line."

She'd handed the ticket guy $60 and waited for her change and the tickets, which she held up to show him when the machine finished printing and spitting them out.

She looked at him where he was sitting now. He'd been kind of quiet but had seemed happy. He'd made sure to shift his ass as close to her's as possible on the grass, and had his one arm behind her back, resting on the ground just at the left ass cheek for most of the innings so far. He hadn't been that vocal with his cheers – though he hadn't been completely mute – and he had often looked at her when she had yelled something out and given her a wide smile. He was hiding behind his sunglasses again, though, and she had trouble gauging exactly where he was at.

He had gotten up at one point, and hadn't said anything to her, which was a little out of character. He'd reappeared about 10 minutes later with a few bottles of cold water and a bottle of Coke – an infrequent indulgence for him. He had also set a large tub of popcorn on the ground in front of them. They'd both been picking at it and Noah was working at shoving handfuls of it into his mouth now. She thought more of it was ending up on her lap and at their feet than in his stomach, though.

She wasn't sure she liked how quiet Will was being, even though he did seem content to be basking in the sun and gazing out at the field too, just watching the game. She squeezed his elbow a bit and he turned to her and gave her a small smile.

"You doing OK?" She asked.

He widened his smile a bit more and leaned over to give her a kiss on the lips. Noah made a "yuck" sound at it but barely looked at them didn't evacuate from his mother's lap.

"I am," he told her. "Thank you."

She rubbed his bicep a bit more and smiled at him. "Good. Me too." She leaned forward again for another peck. "I love you."

He gave her a smile, "Love you too," and turned his eyes back towards the ball game.


	63. Chapter 63

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He looked at Liv. She was leaning against him, her armed looped around his, and acting like she was about ready to fall into bed. On his other side, he was bouncing Noah a little bit on his knee. The boy was completely slumped against him and he'd wrapped his arms around him to keep him from tumbling to the ground in his near sleep. He could tell the boy was still clinging to trying to stay awake – but just barely.

"Should we just go?" He said quietly to Liv.

They'd had to wait in line for about 30 minutes to even get into the amphitheatre where the nightly pyrotechnics show was scheduled to take place. Even though they were now inside and had claimed what looked like a reasonable spot in the rows and rows of metal benches, the show didn't start for another almost half-an-hour. By the time it finished and they maneuvered through the crowds to get back to their car and to the hotel – it was likely going to be close to be at least 10:30 p.m.

She stirred against him a bit and he could see her contemplating Noah on his opposite shoulder.

"I don't know," she mumbled. "I'd kind of like to see the show. We hung around for it."

He nodded. "OK."

"Are you OK?" She asked. He'd been stuck with the responsibility of basically standing guard while people and buskers moved around them taking their seats and selling their wares. She acknowledged that her and Noah had it kind of easy and we getting to rest while Will was forced to try to keep his eyes open.

He kissed the top of her head. "I'm good."

It had been a long day. A good day – but a long day. The insanity and the intensity of doing a Disney park had partially been what they'd been expecting and yet not really what they were expecting at all. He thought both he, and even Olivia, had been surprised at how much she'd actually seemed to enjoy it. There had definitely been some attractions that she had genuinely seemed to enjoy for their own sake – but she'd just been glowing watching Noah's interactions with the attractions and the characters and the staff on site. She'd had a stupidly big smile on her face for much of the day as she chatted with Noah and swung his hand in her's as they walked between each ride and show.

At the beginning of the day, he'd thought she was going to call the whole thing off. He'd done some research online the night before – and determined that they should arrive at the park 30 minutes ahead of time. He'd suggested they get there earlier since they needed to buy tickets and find the guest services desk to get their medical wrist bands. She hadn't been that excited about the concept of being up, dressed, feed, out the door and at the park's entrance by 8 a.m.

She'd been even more unimpressed when he told her that websites were saying that the whole park made a mad dash for the Toy Story Mania ride when the gates opened. He'd told her that they should go there first to get passes to make sure they could get on the ride. But he'd added that they also needed to make a dash to the check-in line to make sure Noah got signed up for the Jedi Training Academy activity. He suspected maybe she thought he was kidding – or at least hadn't quite believed him. But as the gates on the main street opened and they let the crowds of people out of the souvenir shop area into the actual park – the trample began. She'd kind of stood in shock for a moment – if it was possible that anything could really shock her anymore – and had clutched onto Noah. But she'd eventually nodded at him and let him join the rush to try to get passes to get on the ride, which they knew would be something Noah would want to try.

Her and Noah had stayed in the main area and had apparently found the sign-up line for the Jedi Training. When he'd returned to find them – she'd confirmed that Noah had his name down to battle Lord Vader at 12:40. Will, meanwhile, had gotten tickets for them to get on the ride at 11:05.

"This is ridiculous," she'd told him. They hadn't even moved out of the long street leading up to Mickey's giant sorcerer's hat and he could already see her eyeing the exit.

Noah was already looking around in awe, though. Leaving wasn't an option – especially now that he knew he was going to meet Darth Vader and get to use a "real lightsabre!"

Will looked at the map and the list of times for the numerous shows around the park. Just looking at the times of the two commitments they now already had, the limited times of the performances and taking into consideration the inevitable lines – he knew there wasn't any way they were going to get close to seeing most of the park. He'd tried to form an idea in his head before they got there about the best way to approach the park to have a schedule for the day in mind – but thinking about it and actually being there were two different things. It was becoming clear really quickly that any sort of plan, as he had imagined, wasn't really going to work. He was feeling a little overwhelmed by it. He didn't know where to start.

Olivia looked frazzled too and was looking at her copy of the same map. Noah was tugging at her hand – wanting to get going. She repeatedly said, "Noah, just let Mommy look at the map for a minute. Noah, just calm down for a second. Noah, come on, sweets."

She sighed at Will. "Where do we even start?"

He glanced around him. The large crowd was starting to disperse and seemingly thin out – he suspected they were all in line at the Toy Story thing, which he hoped was worth all the hype. But there was still a steady stream of people coming in the gates. Some of the cast members loitering near down the main street, taking pictures and answering questions, had already come up to them a couple times to see if they needed help. Though, they'd both just shook their heads at them, still in a dazed state and trying to figure it out on their own.

"Mommy, Will, let's go," Noah whined and tugged at Olivia's arm again.

"Noah," she huffed at him.

Will crouched down in front of him. "Noah, you've got to give Mommy and me a minute to think about how we want to do this, to make sure we get to see as much as we can. OK? Do you want to help? What's really important for you to see besides Star Wars?"

He held out the map for him to look at and pointed at some things.

"We've got passes for this ride – Toy Story. And there's a Muppets' ride and a car stunt show," he moved his hand around. "There's an Indiana Jones show too – I'd really like to do that one. What about you, Mom? What's your first choice?"

Olivia looked down at them and sighed and crouched down to their level too, where they were all looking at the same map.

"I don't know," she said. "This ride sounds OK." She touched the Great Movie Ride – it looked like it was closest to where they were at the moment. "I think he'd like this animation class thing too."

Will nodded. "The backstage tour sounds kind of cool too. My second choice would be Tower of Terror. You think you're brave enough for that, Noah?"

He nodded vigorously.

"Dinosaur ride?" He said pointing to a drawing of a dinosaur on the map. Will looked at it.

"I think that might just be a statue, buddy. We'll have to walk over and see."

He looked to Olivia. "So what do you think? Should we just go over to your ride – it's closest - and start working our way around? Or should we go to Star Wars and then bounce around?"

She sighed and looked at the list of show times again. "How are we going to fit these in? The Indiana Jones and the car thing are timed. There's all these other ones too."

She handed him the piece of paper.

He shrugged. "We just aren't going to be able to do everything. Did you really want to see Beauty and the Beast or American Idol anyways?"

She shook her head. "No. But the Beauty and Beast says it's Broadway-style, though. It might be a good gauge on if he's ready to sit through something at home. I probably wouldn't hate it. You two might."

He smiled. "Well, it looks like it's happening every couple hours. We can see."

"What about the parades and concerts?" She said.

"Well, I can definitely take it or leave those. Noah, do you want to see the parade? It says it has Pixar characters – like Toy Story and Cars and Up."

"Like Thanksgiving?" He asked.

"Probably not like Thanksgiving, sweetheart," Olivia told him. He shrugged.

So Will shrugged at Olivia. "Let's just start working our way around. We'll figure it out. He's going to be happy if we just get to Star Wars, he does the training thing and we get on the Toy Story ride. The rest we get done is just bonus."

She nodded and pushed herself back up. He rubbed her shoulder as he stood and put a small kiss on her cheek.

"We aren't made for this," she mumbled at him.

He put another kiss on her temple. "Yes, we are. We're fine. Com'on."


	64. Chapter 64

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will smiled at Noah and grabbed his hand that wasn't grasping Liv's.

"We're going to go to Mommy's ride first," he declared with mock enthusiasm about the whole thing. He was starting to feel the energy drain from him too and was concerned about how out of her element Liv seemed at Disney's Hollywood Studios. "The Great Movie Ride!"

Will had kind of thought the day might go to hell – but by the time they got off the movie ride, they'd seemed to have settled into it and gotten a bit of an idea of what the day was actually going to look like.

Noah had been happy to check out all the hand and footprints outside the replica Grauman's Theatre. He'd tested out which ones his hands fit into – all of them - and Olivia had gotten down on the ground with him to try too – managing to restrain herself from being on his case about germs and pulling out the hand sanitizer. She'd even actually quietly talked to Noah about when she once got to go to L.A. and had seen the real theatre and there were even more famous people's names there and the Stars on the Walk of Fame.

Inside, Noah seemed happy to gawk around at the display of artifacts, treating it like he would a museum. He'd pointed and asked questions. Liv had taken on the roll of educator so far that day and Will just wandered behind them. As they queued there were old movie clips playing in the giant movie theatre. Noah seemed content to watch and Olivia seemed to start to relax a bit too.

Noah was excited to get on the actual tram, their first ride, and again Olivia seemed to calm more as the ride started and they got their first sight of the famous Disney animatronics. Neither Will nor Olivia had ever been Disneyland or Disney World before. He supposed they were getting a little old for Disney World by the time it opened – and neither of their families would've been able to afford to take them to California to do Disneyland. It felt kind of nice to be able to give Noah a glimpse of it – something that had basically become a staple of most childhoods.

Olivia was a bit more of a classic film buff than Will so she was clearly enjoying some of the presentation. They all seemed surprised when the riders got pulled into the story and their tram was taken over by a mobster. Noah had cuddled up closer to his mom and suggested quietly that maybe she should arrest him. But relaxed as she assured him it was just part of the ride. By the time they were actually rescued from the bad guy and exiting the ride, they all seemed to have settled into the whole experience a bit more. Olivia was smiling and chatting with Noah so Will also let himself relax that she wasn't going to despise the day.

The morning had just disappeared into a blackhole as they bounced their way around the park. They'd done the Backlot Tour, and Noah had seemed fascinated with the little pre-ride demonstration of how to shoot a water battle scene. He was even more excited when he got splashed by the water.

They'd then made their way back to the Toy Story ride, which they'd all really gotten into. Though, they'd had to split up so they could all have access to a cannon. Will was a little disappointed that he hadn't gotten to ride with Noah, though he was glad Liv had. It was an elaborate target practice for her and she tried not to brag too much about kicking her small son's ass – but she'd also managed to wrack up a score significantly higher than Will's too.

They'd then managed to get through their accelerated line for the Star Tours ride before Noah's turn at the Jedi Training Academy. Noah had just about lost it after they got into that area of the park – with an AT-AT outside the ride and Ewok music playing from the treetops above them. His excitement only increased as they got into the queue and he spotted C3-PO and R2-D2, who were chattering away and moving. His eyes were so big and Liv was just glowing and taking pictures on her iPhone. Getting him to move along in the line, and convince him there was actually still a ride beyond what he was seeing, was a little challenging and they had to let some people by them they were holding things up so much. Noah likely would've been happy to get stay in there and play all day, if he'd been allowed.

When they did finally manage to get into the ride and the divider came down and revealed C3-PO as their pilot, Noah was nearly bouncing out of his seat with excitement. The ride, itself, was fun – though jarring. Will felt more than a little motion sick after they got off. But Liv and Noah seemed fine. Olivia had even been laughing and joining into some of the rider reaction on the ride. As soon as they got off, Noah was asking to go again. They probably would've got right back in line, if it hadn't been for the gift shop, they came out in. Now Noah just about really lots his shit.

Will wasn't sure he'd ever seen so much Star Wars stuff in one place. Noah wanted to get his hands on everything. Olivia had let her strict guard down a bit and was letting him look and touch too. He spotted the lightsabre making station that was even bigger and better than what he'd seen at Downtown Disney at the beginning of their trip – and that was it. It was a must-do and he stood with a cast member, excitedly picking the parts of his masterpiece.

"I don't know how we're going to get that home on the plane," she'd commented to Will as Noah dug through the bins and got help snapping each element together.

"I'm pretty sure security won't count it as an actual weapon, Liv," he'd teased. He was having fun watching the absolute ecstasy painted on Noah's face too.

He'd ended up with a tshirt that Liv had bought for him despite her staunch policy all week that he had trip money. It said "Judge me by your size do you?" It had Yoda and the Disney height restriction measurements on the back but Will had pointed out that it was kind of perverse. She'd scoffed at him, though the look on her face told him she'd already thought of that. But she thought it was funny – and thought Noah's nurses would get a laugh out of it too. She'd also bought him a Mickey Ears hat that looked like R2-D2 and even taken it into one of the little personalization shops along the main strip to have his name embroidered on the back.

"You're a good mom," he'd told her when she'd come back out with the little scannable timecard for pick up.

She snorted. "No, I'm just being brain-washed by the Disney machine," she'd replied.

The excitement of the ride, though, was completely out-matched by Noah's chance to get to do the Jedi Training Academy. He was bouncing on his feet with nervous excitement as he waited his turn and kept looking for them, in the front row of the audience, where all the other parents of the Padawans had been herded.

Will had eventually taken the phone away from Liv so he could handle the video and she could just watch. He wanted her to see it – not be watching it on the screen of her phone. She put her arm around his waist when he did take over – and gave him a small kiss of thanks on the cheek.

Noah was completely decked out in the Jedi cloak they gave each kid – a marketing ploy, there was no way he was taking it off at the end of it and they ended up shelling out the cash for him to keep it. He got to say the Jedi oath and then was handed a lightsabre that he expertly flipped open.

"How'd he learn that?" Liv had said. "He just fucking got one."

"He's been practicing without for a year now," Will had laughed.

All the little kids were super cute in their outfits and being lead through a series of moves by their Jedi master. Noah seemed confident making each slash and glancing around to see what the other Padawans were doing. When the disturbance in the Force emerged and the Stormtroppers came out on the stage – he'd seemed a little stunned, though, and stood there, his lightsabre still up and almost protecting himself, staring at them. He didn't budge even when the other kids followed direction and headed to the edge of the stage.

"What is he doing?" Liv had whispered to Will before one of the cast members had gone over and managed to guide Noah over to stand with the rest of the group.

"Looked like he was ready to take on the entire Dark Side for a second there," Will had commented.

When it eventually was his turn to battle Darth Vader, Noah had marched over to him just dripping confidence – like he'd been waiting this meeting for eons. He struggle a bit with some of the up, down, left, right instructions from his guide but managed to whack Vader's lightsabre each time – and then scuttled off the stage, looking for them again and waving. He'd excitedly trotted over with the certificate he'd been given when he was done – though one of the cast members had followed after him to retrieve the lightsabre and to see if they'd be purchasing the cloak. Noah hadn't shut up about the experience for the rest of the day. Will imagined that they probably wouldn't hear the end of it for the better part of the next year or so. At least.


	65. Chapter 65

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Some how it had already reached 1 p.m. in the afternoon. Will didn't know where the day was going. But, they needed to get something to eat – and rest a bit – so they'd wandered over to a laneway that had several restaurants and take-out booths. After a bit of discussion, Olivia had opted that she'd rather a sit-down place so they could stop and re-assess the rest of the day a bit and they'd ended up wandering into a Sci-Fi Drive-In Diner.

He stared at her when they got inside. All the booths were made to look like cars from the 1950s, pulled into a drive-in with old science fiction movies being projected on a screen. It wasn't exactly what he'd expected – though he likely should've from the name. Everything in the whole park was just so fucking over the top and themed to be the Golden Era of Hollywood. Each little turn had some sort of surprise. He was really enjoying it. He thought Liv was too, though, he wasn't sure how she'd feel about that restaurant.

But she'd shook her head that it was fine – that she just wanted to sit for a while. It actually had turned out to be an OK choice. It's menu was simple – which meant there were items on it that Noah would actually eat. And, more to Liv's liking, the kids menu wasn't all just junk and processed food. The adult menu was fine too – and they were both able to pick something that sounded like – and ended up looking like – actual food. Even better, Noah had been completely absorbed in the movies being projected in the restaurant. So he and Olivia could actually look at the map and show schedule a bit and talk.

Before arriving at the park they'd said they'd likely go in for the morning and then take a break in the afternoon and then depending on how Noah was doing, return in the evening for a bit more and to see the fireworks. They'd even ended up booking at a room at one of the hotels on the Disney resort – despite their better judgment – just down the road from the park. They thought if they were close by it would make it easier for them to go back and forth during the day and deal with anything that came up with Noah.

It had ended up working out pretty well for them the night before. It was kind of fancier than what they would've ever imagined – but really was only about $20 a night more than what they'd paid at the hotel they'd stayed at the first night of their trip. It was manageable. It was just the property the hotel resort it was on and the theme-ing around the place had again boggled their minds – along with the amenities. The pool at this hotel was again huge – with slides and waterfalls. But perhaps the amenity offered to them at check-in that they'd most jumped on was the presentation that there was a Kids' Club. It was basically an on-site babysitting program that ran from 4 p.m. to midnight to let parents take a night of the vacation off. Olivia had hesitated – as usual - for a moment but the clerk had said that there was a craft class happening that night and they were going to be playing Wall-E, which they both knew Noah would happily sit through. So she'd agreed to it.

Noah didn't put up a fuss about being left in the room with the other kids. It really didn't look all that different from his previous daycare or his kindergarten class. Will actually thought it looked more like the Zone art room at the hospital – at least where they dropped him off. He settled down to work on the craft they were working on – which looked like they were going to end up with their own little robots by the end of it. He barely acknowledged when Liv had kissed his temple and told him they'd be back in a few hours.

Will appreciated that she gave him the time. They hadn't really had any time since his apparently lousy proposal. It had likely been another flaw in him deciding to drop it on her while they were down there. They didn't have much in the way of privacy for them to have any sort of discussion about it. Not that they talked about it at all that night anyways.

He'd decided not to push it. He knew if he did pester her about it – she'd just pull away more. He was better to give her the time to process it and decide on her own. He was fairly confident that she'd come around and agree to accept the proposal. At least he thought she would. He hoped he wasn't being too delusional.

He wasn't sure how he'd handle it if she did give him the ring back and tell him no. He knew he couldn't just disappear into the ether. But he already knew it was really going to hurt. He was trying not to think about it too much. He didn't honestly believe that she'd do that to him.

She just needed time, he kept telling himself. He knew she loved him. She just struggled with it. They'd talked about both of their demons enough – though they were usually short conversations and at times when one of them was hurting more than they could manage on their own. But he understood where she was coming from, how she worked, what she was made of. He just needed to wait – it'd work out, he assured himself again.

They'd just gone out to dinner at one of the many restaurants on site. It hadn't been overly fancy but it had been nice enough and it was just nice to get to have a normal talk with her – about nothing in particular. It didn't feel like him asking her to marry him had created a massive schism in their relationship. She talked to him normally – just like she would any other time. And she'd taken some food off his plate – something she generally did when they ate out too.

In the months after he'd first met Liv, she'd made some passing comments about how having Noah had really changed her body. He thought that was just a given for most women who were mothers – carrying a baby to term and then going through labour, kind of has implications for a body. It's not going to be exactly the same after something like that. But she'd clearly had some self-consciousness about it. He hadn't been entirely sure why she'd care around him at the time – since she'd made sure to shoot down any ideas he might have brewing from about Week 1 of their friendship. Still, he'd made sure to tell her she was fine and she looked fine too whenever she made some sort of self-deprecating comment.

Still for whatever pregnancy weight she had still been trying to make her body shed years later – Noah being sick had more than taken care of that. Not necessarily in a positive way. She'd lost weight – lots – and she'd aged too. But it was from the stress of it all and her just not taking care of herself the way she should be or eating properly. There was a point where she was about the thinnest he'd ever seen her – reaching the point he thought it was really unhealthy. She'd insisted she was fine, though, and said that she'd been smaller than that previously.

"Being that small even you're in your 20s and when you're in your 40s are two different things," he'd pleaded with her. "You need to take care of yourself."

Something must've clicked on her own at some point, though, and a few months ago she'd started taking a bit more "her time". She'd gone out to do some of her rock-climbing and had sporadically attended some of her kickboxing and spin classes. They had a treadmill and free weights at home too – which he'd gotten most of the use out of – but she was starting to hop onto more often now. Overall, it had meant she'd toned what was left of her – and even though he still felt she was likely too thin, she looked a lot healthier.

She was eating more now too. He still felt it wasn't enough – but it was an improvement. Either way, it meant that if she wanted to taste-test something on his plate, he wasn't going to protest. He was generally just happy to see her eat anymore. She'd been doing pretty well with the eating like a normal adult person while they were on vacation. He hoped that it established enough of a habit she'd continue the progress when they got home.

They'd gone for a walk around the nature trail encircling the resort when they were done their meals. They hadn't really talked – though they'd both pointed out a few things about the property in general. She had held onto his hand tightly throughout the entire time, though, and he found that comforting. They'd headed back to their room after to take a bit of quiet and alone time. They'd made love. It wasn't a marathon session like earlier in the week – they couldn't leave Noah at the Kids' Club all night. But he'd still made sure that he switched it up a bit and didn't fall into the routine that she'd expressed frustration with.

It'd been nice. He could sense she was trying to make it nice for him – likely out of guilt, which he ended up feeling badly about. She'd also made sure to tell him more times than necessary that she loved him. He assured her that he knew – he didn't need to hear her say it multiple times in an evening – or even a day for that matter. How she treated him told him what he needed to know, though he did appreciate the occasional verbalization.

After the compulsory cuddle period – which he some times felt they were both tolerating for the other's sake and it might be unnecessary – he'd offered to go and retrieve Noah by himself. But she'd shaken her head and said she'd go too. After they rose, they'd tidied their bed a bit so as to not make it super obvious in what they'd been doing. There'd been enough little comments and vague, sideway questions from Noah that it was pretty clear he had the inkling that Will and his mom weren't just having sleepovers every night. They were going to have to sit him down and have some sort of uncomfortable talk with him to just put something about the relationship into clearer perspective for the kid. But in the time-being, it wasn't likely he was going to buy that they had left him at the Kids' Club so they could have a nap a couple hours before bed.

They'd ended up showering down together, which had slowed down their departure a bit more again. But had still been nice. He'd gone through a period early in their sexual relationship where he'd been a little offended at just how quickly she tended to get out of bed and head for the shower. He suspected his comments about it had been part of the reason they'd kind of imposed a cuddle period on themselves. He tended to shower in short order after sex too. But if Liv had her way, she'd be up and in the bathroom within about 60 seconds of him finishing. It had had taken the reality of her just wanting to clean up and not sleep or linger in a sticky mess to a level where he'd kind of been feeling like she was feeling some extent of disgust at what they were doing.

They'd talked about it a bit and he'd come to accept it was just her. It wasn't directed at him. She really was just washing up. Though, it'd been clear that on some level her years on the job and things she'd seen and what she'd watched victims endure had impacted that aspect of her sex life. She didn't want the residuals of what they'd done to be left dripping off her that long. That was clear from even what had gone left unsaid. But after he'd brought it up, he'd noticed she did try to stay in bed with him a bit longer after the deed. So then he ended up laying there too – not wanting to become the one who ran to the shower first after making her open up about that. So she still always ended up getting to do her routine in the bathroom after before he'd go and take his much shorter three-minute rinse down.

But sitting in the restaurant now – it was seeming that their expense jump to get the room on the Disney property wasn't likely going to have been worthwhile. Noah seemed to be coping and looking at the schedule – if they headed out for an afternoon nap and dip in the pool, they'd be giving up going to all the shows. Neither of them seemed to feel they were ready to do that – especially given what they'd paid to get into the park. So they finished up their food and dragged Noah out of the place. He likely would've been happy to sit their for the rest of the afternoon watching the old black-and-white sci-fi flicks.


	66. Chapter 66

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They'd headed to the 2 p.m. Indiana Jones Stunt Show first. Will had been excited and Liv had humoured him. He'd chatted at her about going to the movies as a teen and thinking Indy was about the coolest. He'd even cautiously mentioned that he'd dragged Tessa to a revue theatre that catered to the university students when it was showing an Indy marathon. It'd been their third date.

Liv had teasingly asked, "Three-date rule?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Nah, I think she was asleep by about half-way through Temple of Doom. I'm surprised she even stayed until the end of the third one. She just made me take her home after. I don't even remember getting a kiss. I guess it was pretty much a flop of a date. I'm surprised she saw me again."

"You're good at weaseling out of your infuriating geeky moments," she'd assured him.

"Ah, good to know."

"Temple of Doom was pretty awful, though."

He nodded towards the stage. "This is based on the first one, though, I think."

She'd tried to get him to put his hand up to volunteer for the show but he was too shy. Still they'd all managed to be amused by the show and by the end, Noah was clarifying it was a movie he could watch – and seemed excited to learn it was now four movies.

"I'm going to have to watch all these when I get home now, aren't I?" Liv had seemed unimpressed.

"You've seen them too, Mom?" Noah had asked happily.

"Thankfully, I don't think I've seen them all," she'd told her boy.

"They're made by the same man who made Star Wars, Noah," Will had told him.

"They must be really good then, right?"

"Super good," Will had confirmed.

"Oh, yeah, fantastic," Liv had agreed. Noah didn't chat the sarcasm.

They used the proximity to the Star Wars ride to go on it again. They'd managed to get a different scenario on the ride, which was great for Will and Noah. But Olivia seemed to have lost her initial luster for the ride – commenting it was still the same ride, even if they were seeing something different.

They'd then continue their wander around through the park and into the Muppet's Theatre. It was another one that they all enjoyed. Though it especially drew laughs from Liv and Will. Still Noah seemed to enjoy it even though he wasn't as similar with the characters.

When they'd then taken him over to the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids playground, his eyes had gone bright again at the chance to get to play. Will staked it out as a chance to just sit down – but Olivia had been uncomfortable with the covered and intersecting passage ways for the kids to run through. She spent most of the time Noah was playing, pacing along the edges of the playground tracking him and keeping him in her sights. When it was time to leave, she'd first soaked him in hand-sanitizer and then taken him off to find a washroom. Noah hadn't protested going into the women's washroom with his mom so Will had just let Liv handle the sink bath that she seemed determined to give the boy after he was crawling around the playground.

After Liv was done having her hygiene meltdown on her son, they'd headed across to the car stunt show. Will had thought it was literally going to be Cars but outside of a cameo by Lightening McQueen – it literally was just a car stunt show. He could've taken it or left it. But Noah seemed to like all the tires screeching and things blowing up – including the heat of the contained explosions. Liv had seemed pretty happy with it too. She'd chatted a bit about some of the techniques she'd had to learn in the various vehicle training she'd had to do with her police work and made some comments on how to handle pursuits. Will hadn't heard her talk about it before and had listened with interest. Noah had seemed happy to hear about it too and had asked how fast she got to drive and if she ever screeched around corners too. Some times it was pretty clear that Noah thought his mom was way cooler than of the other moms.

When they left the show, neither Will nor Olivia had been able to believe that it was already after 5 p.m. They had only wandered through about half the park at that point, looking at the map. They'd done a tally to gauge if any of them needed a snack or supper at that point – and with everyone still functional, they'd found another bench to try to decide what to do with the remainder of the park.

Will had pointed out that the last performance of Liv's Beauty and the Beast show was coming up. She glanced at him.

"You don't really want to go to that," she'd commented, still looking at the map.

"I don't care," he said, "you do."

She looked at Noah. He was leaning on her knee with his elbows and rocking himself and her leg back and forth as he looked at the map too.

"What you think, sweets? You want to go watch a musical?"

Will didn't let him answer. "Bud, your Mom wants to go see the musical, OK?"

Noah looked at Will and shrugged. "OK."

He nudged at Liv. "OK."

She sighed a little but shrugged. She felt like she was being more than a little humoured by them. But "OK," she said.

Noah had sat with her during the show and had seemed taken with the spectacle of it and the music – even though he had pointed out in a bit of a whine after that, "It was all princesses, Mom."

She hadn't commented and had just accepted a hug at her waist from him. Will had held her hand as they exited. He gave her a small smile when she finally made brief eye contact with him.

"He handled it pretty good," he said.

She nodded. "Yeah, maybe we'll be able to try something at home. We'll see."

"And you liked it?" He inquired.

She gave him a small smile. "It wasn't bad."

He returned it. "Nah, it wasn't bad." He really could've taken or left it. But it wasn't bad.

They finally hit up the Tower of Terror, which was next door to the theatre. The themeing of the old 1920s hotel was amazing too. Noah had seemed a little creeped out by it and clung close to Liv – looking at some of the cast members cautiously. But they'd all loved the actually ride. Noah was in a fit of giggles when they got off from their multiple drops and they'd immediately gone and got back in line to do it again.

They still had some time to kill before the nighttime show, so they'd wandered back and did the Little Mermaid puppet show, even though none of them had seemed to be feeling it that much. But again, it wasn't bad. Noah again expressed he liked the music – and it had a lot of puppets, which was something he was kind of interested in, so it at least held his attention.

He'd expressed some interest in the Rockin' Rollercoaster as they came out – but thankfully it was the only ride all day that they had to tell him he was too little for. He didn't seem that upset by it at all, which was good. Will and Liv were far too tired at that point to deal with a meltdown from him.

Will had pointed out that they were next to the animation workshop thing that liv had thought Noah might like – but she'd vetoed that idea, indicating she felt her son was too tired to really enjoy it.

There was still well over an hour to the firework show but they'd wandered back to where the entrance to the amphitheatre was. Olivia and Noah had found a table to sit at in the outdoor food court beside it – and Will had wandered off in search of something for them to eat. It was getting late. They'd been giving Noah some snacks during the day from their backpack and had bought some ice cream on one of their sitting breaks. But they definitely needed something that more resembled real food at that point. He'd eventually came back with a large Caesar salad, a turkey breast and a roast beef sandwich roll and a couple small containers of fruit. He slapped some napkins, paper plates and plastic utensils onto the table and tiredly sat down.

"Don't even ask how much this cost," he sighed.

Liv looked at him.

"That took a while," she said, but opened the salad and started transferring it to plates.

He just groaned. "I guess they're all closing up – unless you want ice cream again."

He worked at trying to cut the sandwiches in half with a plastic knife. He was clearly getting frustrated, so she took it from him and handed him a plate with some salad on it.

"Let me do it," she told him. He let her take it. But then just sat there staring at his plate. She looked at him again. "Eat, Will," she demanded.

He nodded and put some food in his mouth and then opened the box of fruit and shoved it towards Noah.

"There's some grapes and pineapple, bud," he said.

Noah examined it a bit but then pulled it closer to him and started picking out some of the grapes – sucking off any pineapple juice on them before spitting them back out into his hand and then biting them in half.

"Sweetheart, don't do that," Olivia had commented, still sawing through the buns.

Noah did it again. "Can we have ice cream after?" He asked.

"Mmm," Will said between mouthfuls. "We already had ice cream today. After we get in line. Maybe we'll get something in there. Eat your dinner."

Noah sulked a bit but had some more of his salad.

He looked at her. "Don't worry about it, Liv," he said. "Eat some of your meal too."

She nodded but lifted up the roll she was working on and just tore what was left to get through in half. It looked like shit – but it was going to come out as that eventually anyways.

"Will you eat roast beef, Noah?" She asked.

He shook his head.

"It's all they had," Will sighed a little.

She just nodded and put half on his plate and the other one hers. She took the plastic off the other sandwich and put it on Noah's plate.

"It's turkey, sweets," she said. "You have to take a bite."

Noah didn't argue and put it to his mouth.

They all ate quietly for a while.

"How long until the show starts?" Liv had asked, seeing a queue of people already forming across the street.

Will glanced at his watch. "Still about an hour."

She nodded.

They'd sat around for quite a while and it was clear that they were all really fading now that they'd stopped moving – especially Noah. He didn't do a very good job of cleaning his plate.

"Do you mind if I eat the rest of the sandwich?" Will had asked Liv, nodding to the largely untouched roll on Noah's plate. She shook her head and picked it up off Noah's plate. He'd gone to resting his head on the table and holding the map in front of his face like he was contemplating it deeply.

Liv took a bite of it before she handed it over. He gave her a small smile.

"Good?" He asked.

"Better than roast beef," she'd said with her mouth full.

He smiled and took a bite as well. She was right.

"Do you want more?" He asked after he'd swallowed.

She nodded and took it back from him and had another mouthful before setting it on his plate again.

"Did we do everything Mom?" Noah had asked from where he was partially passed out on the table.

"Mmm," Liv said, trying to swallow her food. "Not everything sweets. There's too much here to do everything," she managed after she swallowed.

"Will we see the rest tomorrow?" He asked.

She shook her head. "No, sweetheart. Tomorrow, we have to pack – and then we're going to go to Gatorland so you can see your alligators. After that we have to go to the airport and go home."

"We can't stay longer?" He asked again.

"Not this time, Noah."

"Another time?"

She nodded. "Another time."


	67. Chapter 67

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She tried to tread into their bedroom as quietly as possible.

Will had disappeared upstairs shortly after they arrived home. He hadn't said a word about it – just took a couple of their bags and went to their room – but he hadn't reappeared – so she assumed he'd fallen asleep. She let him. He'd been acting tired all day – and he did have to go into work the next day. She didn't. She got another week of imposed vacation – this one with a lot less distraction leading into her reviewing meeting.

She felt bad for Will. They likely should've booked their flight back for earlier in the day – another oversight. Their Disney day had really knocked it out of all of them. She'd made a mental note that if they ever did that again – Disney day would be the first day of their trip – not the last. It felt like they about needed another vacation to bounce back from what they'd endured in the park – no matter how much they'd enjoyed it.

She'd gotten Noah down for the night. It hadn't been that difficult either. He was tired as well. She still hadn't decided if she was going to take him over to kindergarten in the morning or if she was going to give him a one-day extension on the holiday. She was torn about it. He had some medical appointments that week – so he'd already be missing school. But she didn't want to run him into the ground – and she kind of felt like they might've the day before, even though Noah had loved every second of it at the time.

Though she was feeling the fatigue too she'd puttered on the main level for a while before heading up to bed – getting a start on getting some of the chores around the house that needed to be taken care of now that the vacation was over. When she got to the top of the stairs, through the dim light that was coming in through the slats in the blinds, she could see Will huddled on his side on his side of the bed. His back was to her but she still decided to leave the light off and did her best to try to find some of her sleep clothes in the dark.

"I'm awake," she heard him mumble when she'd been fumbling in her top drawer for a minute. "You can turn on the light."

She glanced at him. He hadn't moved. She sighed a little but did switch on the light. "Sorry," she said.

She didn't get a response – and thought maybe he'd drifted back off. She changed her clothes quickly and switched the light back off and crawled into her side of the bed.

"What were you doing down there?" Will mumbled as she settled her weight onto the mattress. "You sounded like a herd of rhinoceroses."

She gave a small smile and rolled onto her side and shifted across the bed, to spoon him. Resting her cheek against his. He reached behind him and pulled her upper arm under his and held her hand to his chest.

"Sorry," she whispered again.

"Mmm," he mumbled again and rubbed his head against the pillow. She could see he hadn't opened his eyes even though he wasn't sleeping. "So what were you doing?"

She smoothed out his tshirt with her hand and realized he had laid down in his clothes.

"I put through a couple loads of laundry as a start. You likely were hearing the dryer. Sorted the mail. Made up a lunch for you to take with you tomorrow, if you want."

"We had food?" He mumbled.

"Bread was in the freezer. I mixed up some tuna for you. Don't worry. It's not on the bread, getting it soggy yet. Granola bar. Some of your frozen peaches."

"Mmm," he mumbled again.

"You should change, sweetheart," she whispered against his shoulder. "Clothes after being on plane always feel kind of gross."

She felt him moving his hand and generally got the sense he was undoing his belt. He started to try to pull it out of the loops without getting up. It came part way out and then stopped since he was laying on it – and wasn't even trying to roll off of it.

She pushed his back. "Just sit up and do it, hon. You'll sleep better."

He made unhappy noises about it – but extracted himself from her embrace and stood. He unbuttoned his pants and let them drop, kicking them off his feet and then pulled his shirt over his head and crawled back under the covered in just his underwear. He laid back on his side, this time facing her. She watched him close his eyes again and rested her head against his forehead and reached to rub his back, working up to the back of his neck and then the soft, short hair on the back of his head.

"I'm so tired," he mumbled at her again.

"Then go to sleep, Will," she told him.

"Mmm, I can't. I've been trying."

She ran her hand through his hair more. "What's wrong?"

"You weren't up here."

"I'm here now."

"Mmm," he agreed.

"Go to sleep, Will," she told him, rubbing across the back of his shoulders and upper back now. It was a similar movement to what she'd done while tucking in Noah an hour ago and trying to get him to close his eyes and rest.

"Would you do it again?" He mumbled.

"Do what again?" She asked, hoping he wasn't stressing about his proposal at that particular moment.

"Disney? Florida?"

She put a couple pecks on his cheek. "Yeah, I'd do again. I don't think I'd do a whole Disney vacation – but I'd go back to one of the parks again if we were down there – would likely do it a little differently though. I'd definitely do a beach holiday down there again. I had a really nice time."

"Mmm, me too," he said. "I don't want to go to work tomorrow."

She smiled. "You'll be fine."

He shook his head like a stubborn child who was refusing to go to school.

She rubbed his bicep. "You will."

"I love you," he mumbled.

She slid down a bit more in the bed and eased her one leg between his – he let her – and wrapped her arms more around his waist, placing her head so it was just under his chin. He moved his arms to snake around her too.

"I love you too," she assured him. She felt his head bob against the top of her head. "Go to sleep." It bobbed again.

She shut her eyes, trying to listen to him breath and his heartbeat and to turn off. The vacation was over. It was taking more strength and resolve to accept getting back into their routine and what lay before them now that they were home than she was expecting. She didn't want to think about it yet – maybe in the morning.

**Yippee. Now that their vacation is over we can get back to her life going to shit. Fun times. With the story map I've got right now - things should start getting more interesting quickly. But, as usual, if you've got any comments or suggestions on the story or what you'd like to see happen - comment or PM me**


	68. Chapter 68

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will turned his attention to disconnecting his computer from the A/V lines and collecting his files and the assignments that his students had left at the front. He tried to ignore the man who was sitting at the end of the second last row of the small classroom and obviously waiting for the kids to file out.

Will had seen Liv's partner come in about 20 minutes before the end of his lecture. He'd looked up as the door had opened to see who was interrupting his class that late into the instruction. The week back after Spring Break was always a rough one. A lot of students decided to take an extended break – or just generally showed up to class unprepared, if not mildly hung-over, they at least hadn't done their readings or completed their assignments.

His lecture on Monday with his freshman calculus course had been rough. He estimated about a quarter of the kids hadn't even showed and of the ones who were there – they didn't look like they wanted to be. He'd grown frustrated with the class, which was being chatty and showing antics that he expected to see in September – not March, and had reminded them several times, "Com'on people, this isn't high school. I need your attention, some participation and your assignments handed in now. If they aren't on my desk by the end of this – you're losing marks. End of story. Grow up."

He was a little more pissed off with this group, though. It was a Tuesday afternoon lecture – they should've had lots of time to bounce back from their holidays and get back into the routine of at least dragging their asses to campus. Beyond that, it was one of his elective courses – Statistical Pattern Recognition. It wasn't kids. This was seniors and some of his first-year grad students. But they'd still sat there in a daze for much of it – and despite it being a group of only 42, he'd quickly counted and seen that eight were missing. He didn't much tolerate that with his upper year students – especially the ones he was putting extra time and effort into them getting their degrees and getting their foothold in academia or their careers. With that class – it was the majority of the group that fell into that category. He knew they were still just university kids but he expected more out of them – he at least expected to get an email saying they wouldn't be attending and submitting their weekly problem solving exercises. He hadn't received that from any of the absentees that day. A quick count of the assignments that had been left on the desk over the course of the lecture, also showed him that only 14 of the students had taken the time to do the extra-credit question over the holidays. He wasn't happy.

He glanced up at Elliot as he started to come down the four steps of the elevated rows to the front desk.

"Interesting stuff," Stabler had commented, "at least what didn't whiz over my head."

Will just nodded. "Well, maybe you should come out to one of my intro classes, then. Make it easier on yourself."

The way Elliot was looking at him, he could tell the man either didn't get or didn't appreciate the sarcasm.

"I don't think that would help," Elliot had eventually said. "Math was never really my thing."

Will wasn't comfortable with Liv's partner being there. He didn't know what he wanted. But he doubted it could good. If he didn't know Olivia was at home with Noah, he'd probably be freaking out. Instead it just felt like an invasion of his space.

Will had never really known what to make of Elliot Stabler. He knew the man was an important part of Liv's life. But that didn't mean he had to like it. He sure as hell didn't know how to relate to the other detective. He usually ended up feeling like he might be stuffed into a locker when he was around the man. He thought if he hadn't spent his life around burly firefighters and being the skinny-little nerd that was always picked on anyways, he really wouldn't have had a clue how to interact with him. At least he could kind of hold his own – though, the interactions he had with the detective over the years had been somewhat limited. Enough for them to know each other and speak respectfully – though, he suspected that was partially for Liv's sake from both of their ends – but that was about where it came to an end. He knew that they knew more about each other from things Liv would've said than they did from any conversation they'd engaged in together.

Will knew it was kind of strange. They were clearly the two people in the world that Olivia was closest to. Yet, they were so different and they both played very different roles in her life. Over the years, Liv had made little jokes that her partnership with Elliot was the longest relationship she'd ever had with a man. It only made Will more uncomfortable. It played at his feelings of inadequacy even though he knew Liv was just partners with Stabler. That they were close friends – more like family, that he was like her older, over-protective brother. But Will had to admit that there'd been times he'd wondered if there was more to it then that – or at least if there would've or could've been if they hadn't been partnered together or Stabler hadn't been married. He imagined in some parallel universe, Liv and Elliot weren't just co-workers. But he told himself to go down that path in the real universe was just being idiotic and insecure. Liv was with him. That was the long and short of it. And, if she got a whiff that he even thought there was something going on between her and Stabler, beyond them just being partners and best friends, there'd be a blow-up that he'd pay dearly for. He knew that wasn't a conversation he ever wanted to have with her, because it would send walls flying back up and he'd likely end up kicked to the curb in short order – probably with a black eye and some bruises, at least of the ego, to show for it.

"How was the vacation?" Stabler asked him.

Will looked up from stuffing his things into his messenger bag. "It was good. We had a nice time. I'm sure Liv will tell you all about it. I'm surprised she hasn't already," he looked into the other man's eyes at that comment.

He knew Olivia hadn't been able to restrain herself yesterday and had been calling her partner at work to get a scoop on what had happened the previous week – and if she was missing anything. The detective hadn't taken her calls during work hours but her cell had rung in the early evening and she'd disappeared upstairs for about 10 minutes. Will knew she was talking with Elliot, though she hadn't said anything about the conversation when she returned to the couch.

"Does Olivia know you're here?" Will had then asked directly.

Elliot raised an eyebrow at him. "Why? She have some rule about you talking to me?"

Will shook his head and snapped his bag shut and put both of his hands onto the lecture desk and leaned against it.

"How'd you feel about it if Liv showed up at Kathy's hospital to have a powwow with her behind your back?"

Elliot shrugged. "Olivia's talked to Kathy without letting me know before."

Will sighed and dropped his head. The reality was he and Olivia had enough going on in their lives that he didn't need to risk doing something that might set her off. He knew she'd be uncomfortable about this. Probably more than uncomfortable – she'd feel angry and maybe even a little betrayed. She'd be pissed off at both of them. Royally. But Will had to live with her. And, he just didn't want to deal with it. He had enough on his plate and had enough BS with Liv to wade through and figure out as it was – he didn't need an added layer.

"What do you want, Elliot?"

"I have to want something?"

Will picked up his bag and walked to the front of the desk, getting ready to head back to his office so he could get the rest of his things and get home.

"I assume you want something. We aren't good buddies here, detective. We don't do chit-chat. What do you want?"

Elliot examined him. "Let me buy you a drink."

Will shook his head and started heading up the steps. "Tuesday night is pasta night and House," he meant it as a joke. "I want to get home."

He glanced back at Elliot. He clearly hadn't caught the sarcasm there either.

"Noah has an MRI at 4 a.m. tomorrow. I want to get home to them," he stated more clearly for the other man.

Elliot looked at him again, but his gaze had softened a bit. "It won't take long. I wouldn't be bothering you, if I didn't think it was important we had a bit of a talk."


	69. Chapter 69

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They hadn't really been talking yet and Will hadn't even touched the beer that Elliot had bought for him. But they'd been sitting in the little pub just off-campus for a good 25 minutes at that point. It was a grad student hangout. But with it being in the hours of the dinner and drinking lull – combined with the end of Spring Break and no game on that night – it was quiet.

Elliot had been nursing his drink, so as not to finish too far ahead of the other man, and mostly examining Will. He'd expected that Will would jump on him based on how their initial chat had gone. But he seemed to have basically exited the conversation and was lost staring at whatever highlights were running up on the television off behind Elliot somewhere.

"Are you going to drink that?" Elliot had eventually asked. He really had kind of wanted to keep it brief. In his line of work, a beer was a friendly gesture and a good way to relax after something shitty or before having to talk about something just as shitty. He thought Will needed to relax.

Will pulled his eyes away from the television. "Ah, no. I don't drink that often really. Liv will notice if I get home smelling like beer."

"Wow, she's got you well trained," Stabler had commented back at him. It was the second time the man had made reference to not doing something because Olivia would notice or disapprove.

Will didn't comment but Elliot could see he didn't appreciate the remark.

El shook his head and tried to hide the thin smile that was trying to creep out. "You're an interesting guy, Will," he said. "Olivia's dated a lot of men …"

"I don't need to know about other men she's been with," Will interjected a little too quickly and harshly.

Elliot brought his eyes back to his. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hit a sore spot."

Will glared at him and seemed to now contemplate taking a swig of the beer. "It's not a sore spot," he said. "We don't talk about it," he stressed carefully. "I don't want to know about it. Her only relationship I need to know anything about is Kurt Moss – the rest is her personal, and private, business."

Elliot examined him again. Will had tensed at his previous comment and the way he was sitting now made him look a bit more intimidating than the lanky, bespectacled professor Elliot had gathered at the university lecture hall. He took a drink of his own beer – finishing it off.

"I've never quite gotten you, there, Will," Elliot said, as he put his empty glass back on the table. "Or what Liv sees in you. You're just different."

Will glared at him. "Maybe she likes that – and, you don't know me."

Elliot shrugged. "I know enough."

Will shook his head again and glared at the ceiling before making eye contact again. "I need to get home – so, you said you wanted to talk about something, if that's true, your window of opportunity is closing pretty quickly here."

"How much have she told you about this review that she's got coming up at work?" Elliot asked.

"Enough," Will said, mimicking the detective's earlier comment that had pissed him off.

"You get that her job is in jeopardy here?" Elliot said, making eye contact with him, purposely drilling into him.

Will nearly rolled his eyes. "Well, I don't know where you're getting your information – but her job isn't in jeopardy. You guys are unionized. They've got nothing on her. She has a signed agreement. It's going to be fine."

"Her position with SVU is in jeopardy," Elliot said. "She's going to get transferred out."

Now it was Will's turned to examine him. He thought about it for a moment and played with the small puddle of condensation that had gathered around the bottom of his untouched glass.

"My understanding is that they can't just transfer her, either," Will said. "She'd have to agree to the transfer. Besides, if you've heard something otherwise, you should be talking to her about it – not me."

"What do you think of her job there, Will?"

Will glared at the other man again. "What's that got to do with anything?" Elliot didn't provide an answer and Will eventually allowed, "I hate her job. What's your wife think of your job, there, Stabler?"

Elliot examined him again. Will had slumped back into his chair. He was clearly frustrated, confused and starting to get angry.

"Things are going to start getting pretty complicated for her on the work-front, Will," Elliot said. "She's going to need some support to get through it. I wanted to hear from you that she's got it."

Will gazed at him but didn't say anything. Elliot got the sense he wasn't going to.

"How committed are you to her, Will? To the relationship? Because, I'm telling you, after all this starts really hitting the fan next week – it's going to get messy and messy quickly. The union, IAB, HR, the chiefs' council even. This isn't just going to be a simple little review meeting and she gets to move on with her life – her job. You understand that, right?"

There was a pause. Will hadn't latched onto the impending shit-storm aspect of Elliot's comment. It was the question of commitment that was rubbing him the wrong way.

"You're seriously asking me how committed I am to her? Seriously?" He glared at Elliot. "Noah has cancer – I'm fucking still here. She has refused to acknowledge me as a 'boyfriend' – I'm fucking still here. I found a fucking place closer to work and the hospital, to a better school – to make it easier for her. Her fucking sperm donor of an ex-boyfriend is trying to steal Noah away – and I'm there, having my personal, private life go under a fucking microscope – for her sake, for her son's sake. I'm the fucking wet-maid to that boy and have been since he was two years old – I'm still here. I fucking love her kid – like he's my own. And you think you can tell me that you want to talk to me about something 'important' and then have the right to ask me how committed I am to her? Who the fuck do you think you are? Where the fuck are you in all of this? You know who you should be asking about commitment to the relationship – why don't you go and fucking ask her about that? Seriously? Fuck."

Elliot just looked at Will, who was still steaming from his outburst. His arms had crossed across his chest in a way that was similar to how Liv positioned herself when she was pissed at him.

"It's just going to be a rough patch, Will," he tried to say less confrontationally. "I know she already has a lot on her plate. It's going to be hard for her – even the notion of having to leave special victims. I'm just worried about her. I just want to make sure things are OK at home right now. We'll be there for her at work too."

"It's going to be fine," Will said too quickly.

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know it will be. People have been gently forced out of special victims before. We've all had our wrists slapped pretty harshly over the years. Liv's thought about leaving before – she's even left before. This might not be as cut and dry as we all want it to be."

"She signed the agreement," Will stated again and more purposefully this time. "We will legally challenge it if that agreement is not honoured. She has rights."

Elliot nodded. "Maybe just talk to her about some of it."

"I talk to her," Will spat. He didn't like feeling like his relationship was being examined by this man.

"I know I don't talk to my wife a lot about work – even when it's this sort of stuff," he admitted.

Will looked at him and sighed.

"Does she still really want to be with special victims, Will? I sure, as hell, don't want to see her walk away and I'll fight for her the best I can from my position. But she'd told me recently she didn't know how much longer she could do it – with Noah sick. I understand where she's coming from. If she doesn't think she wants to stay much longer – it might not be worth putting herself through all of this."

"She's not giving up her job," Will stated. "That's not what she wants. It's not an option. She needs stability. That job has been the most stable thing in her life – before and now. They aren't taking that way from her."

Elliot looked at him. "But is it still what she really wants?"

Will glared at him – but the truth was he hadn't directly asked her on those terms.

Elliot sighed. "Maybe you should just try to talk to her about it. And, maybe try to get her to keep talking during all of this, whatever happens. She'll talk to me a bit – maybe, but not much after they get into the thick of it. I know it. And, even if she is talking to me – it's better … it's different, if she's be able to go home and talk to you. We all know that. She's always at me about not shutting Kathy out. Don't let her shut you out. She's going to need help during all of this – whether she wants to admit that or not."

Will wasn't saying anything. His eyes had actually gone back to the television. Elliot couldn't tell if he was fuming or thinking.

Elliot examined the table for a second. "I've got the car. Want me to give you a lift home?"

Will shook his head.

Elliot nodded and stood up, tossing some bills on the table. "Good to talk to you, Will. We should do it again sometime. Wouldn't be the worst thing to know each other a little bit. Have a good night – hope Noah's MRI goes OK in the morning."


	70. Chapter 70

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Kurt barely even glanced at her when he finally came back to his office – clearly having been held up in a story meeting, based on the company he'd walked back with and stood outside the door casually chatting at, even though he'd obviously seen her sitting inside the glassed room. She'd been sitting there for at least 15 minutes waiting for him. If most of the newsroom hadn't also been in the meeting – she suspected someone would've told her she had to leave.

When he did come in, he closed the door behind him and went to his desk. He deposited the pile of papers he was carrying with him and shuffled around on the desktop and pulled his Blackberry out of his pocket, checking something, before finally saying, "How'd you get in here?", still without looking at her.

She leaned back in the chair she'd claimed in front of the desk a bit. "Oh, I don't know. I vaguely remember someone once telling me it was amazing where a press pass can get you. You'd be surprised what a badge can get you access to too."

He glanced at her, still fiddling with his phone. But then he'd retrieved a pad of paper and pulled a pen out of his shirt pocket. "That sounds a bit like a blatant abuse of authority to me," he commented, as he pulled his chair out and settled into it, finally actually really looking at her.

"You look good," he said, waving his hand in front of his face, "very tanned."

"Thank you, Kurt," she said, giving him a patronizing smile. She looked around his office again. "I've been sitting here admiring your office too. I hadn't realized your return to the city had come with such a promotion."

Kurt had worked as a desk editor before he took off shortly after their break-up to be a foreign affairs correspondent. She actually had known when he'd come back almost a year ago now, he'd been put into a new position – she'd gotten the notice and had had the opportunity to file for increased support with his elevated income. She'd left it at the time. There was enough other bullshit her and Kurt were battling over. She didn't need additional paperwork, application fees and legal expenses. God knows, she had enough bills and paperwork from the hospital at the moment. But she hadn't really realized that the job as a section editor at the Ledger came with the fancy little office – complete with a window looking down onto 8th Avenue.

"I guess you aren't looking at the masthead closely enough then," he said. "Maybe you should check to make sure your subscription is up-to-date. I can look into that for you, if you like."

"Oh, I don't much look at the Ledger anymore – especially those nasty sections buried at the back of the paper," she said, crossing her legs and pushing herself up a bit more in the chair. "There's some bylines, and the opinions that go with them, I just don't like seeing."

He tapped his pen on the pad again and glared at her.

"I'm glad you were able to pull yourself away from your little vacation. Pushing our mediation back. Nice play, dragging it out more, Olivia. I'm sure that will have really worked in your favour."

"I just thought you wouldn't mind a few more weeks to prepare, Kurt," she said, folding her hands into her lap. "If your little interview with the social worker looked anything like ours', I just can't wait to see what you and your lawyer have cooked up now for our next little chat. Some of those questions – doozy's, right? I'd love to hear what you managed to piece together for one toughie: 'Tell me about Noah'."

"Speaking of lawyers," he said, "I don't see any here. So – I don't think we're supposed to be talking."

"I thought maybe you might actually finally talk to me, if we didn't have lawyers in the room," she made sure to state it very purposely and drilled her eyes into his as she said it.

It'd clearly made him uncomfortable and he'd looked down to his notepad and tapped it with his pen.

"You can call my attorney if you want to talk," he said, looking back up to her.

She shook her head. She knew she was taking a risk – but she'd been thinking about it and weighing her options. She'd decided she was willing to take that risk. She didn't think the potential outcome of their hearing was really going to be that affected by this conversation – at least not if they ended up in court. She felt she had more to gain by sitting her in front of him than she did in front of a family court judge or some mediator.

"I want to understand what the hell we're doing here, Kurt," she said.

"Don't you have some place to be?" He snapped at her. "Work? Caring for our son?"

She didn't comment on the 'our son' remark as much as she wanted to.

"I thought this was a little more important than work today," she told him. He didn't need to know about her imposed leave period. "And, Noah's five, Kurt. He's school age. He's in kindergarten. But you knew that, right?"

He glared at her. "Leave," he said, "or I will call the cops."

She raised an eyebrow at him. She knew if he did, she'd be in a small shit storm. But she also didn't think he had the balls to do it.

"I want you to sign the termination papers, Kurt," she said.

He shook his head. "That's not happening."

"Then I'd like an explanation as to why that's not happening," she told him. She'd told herself that she was going to have this conversation calmly. She was keeping her tone even – telling herself she wasn't going to hear anything she didn't already know. That nothing that he said could hurt her or Noah more than he already had – that this could only help. She hoped.

"He's my son. I have parental rights. I'm not just signing them away."

"I have full legal and physical custody," she told him. "Your rights are just on paper – for support payments, which we both know you aren't so good at keeping up with."

"Right now you have full legal and physical custody," he said back to her.

"I will at the end of this too," she told him, trying to sound as confident as possible, even though most days she didn't feel that's how it was going to play out.

Kurt twirled his pen now. "We'll see about that."

"What is this about, Kurt?" She said again. "What's with the sudden interest? You've had years to challenge this – why now?"

He shrugged.

"That's not really a reason," she commented and sat waiting again.

"I'm his father," he said. "I want to get to know him."

She shook her head and calmly said, "You aren't his father, Kurt. Will is his father. If you wanted to get to know him, you would know him already. A real father wouldn't be putting a little boy into a potentially very confusing and scary situation with everything else he has going on right now. A real father would be there with him – caring for him and helping – during all of this too. He wouldn't be making it harder."

"Is that what your sudden interest in terminating my right is – this Will guy? You know you aren't going to win them, right?"

She shook her head again. "Will had nothing to do with my decision. I just don't want to be playing this game for another 12 years, Kurt. Do you?"

She looked down briefly and then looked back to him and leaned forward a bit in the chair.

"I want you to listen carefully now, Kurt, because this is a one time offer and I'm not going to repeat it. You sign the paperwork and I will tell my attorney that I want your child support payments terminated as well – and all those ones you're in arrears on, I'll make sure they disappear too. We will officially be done. Ties will be cut. We won't have to deal with each other anymore. This apparently gross inconvenience I brought into your life – well, you can officially start forgetting all about him. Pretend it didn't even happen – that Noah doesn't exist. You're usually pretty good at that anyways. Let's make it easier for all of us."

He sat quietly looking at her for a long time. She refused to break eye contact while he did.

"I wanted to be with you, you know?" He finally said.

She hadn't expected that and she couldn't help but laugh out loud at the comment. She looked at him and settled back into her chair again.

"You had a pretty lousy way of showing it," she told him.

"I asked you to move in with me," he said.

"And I was supposed to give up my apartment and move in with you when you had made very clear that you weren't interested in a long-term relationship? How does that make any sort of sense?" She asked, not really believing they were having a conversation about their break-up, now - six years later.

"I said I didn't want to have a family, not that I didn't want a long-term relationship," he clarified.

"Well, then, I guess it's still a good thing we broke up, because it seems to me that I didn't miraculously conceive. So I'm pretty sure that means there would've been a kid on the scene – that would've been yours. Family."

"You told me we broke up because of our careers," he said after examining her for a while.

"We did, Kurt," she said. "The IAB was involved. Our relationship was creating problems for both of our jobs. You'd given me clear indications that we were just in a short-term relationship. There wasn't a point in continuing amidst everything else at that point. It made sense."

"Always so practical, Olivia," he said, but then added, "I saved your ass in that investigation."

She shrugged. "Maybe. We didn't see how it could've gone, now did we?"

"I took the overseas assignment to get over you," he said. "To get some space after all of that."

She gazed at him a bit. She hadn't heard that excuse from him before. But at the same time – it just made her angrier at him. She shook her head and half-smiled, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it all again.

"Well, as flattering as it is that you had to go half-way around the world to get over me, I think it's likely an indication that maybe you need some help, Kurt, if it really took you, what? Almost five years? To get over a five month relationship?"

He just looked at her.

"If you really gave a crap, you'd have come back after I told you I was pregnant – or at least when Noah was born," she added for him.

Kurt considered her for a while. "Did you know you were pregnant when you broke-up with me?"

"No," she stated simply and firmly. He should've already known that.

"We'd been split up for a while before you let me know," he said, staring at her.

She gazed at him. "Is that what this is really about?" She asked. "You got hurt – and you're trying to hurt me now? You're punishing a little boy more than you're hurting me."

"I'd been gone for about seven weeks before you told me," he stated, instead of acknowledging her comment. "We'd been split for almost three months. You must've known."

She was already fully aware of the fact that he hadn't believed that the baby was his when she'd finally managed to reach him and have an awful telephone conversation over satellite phone with him off in the desert somewhere. She had started to try to contact him about two weeks after she had found out she was pregnant and had decided she was keeping the baby. But even after she started trying to get a hold of him it had taken weeks for him to communicate with her and give her any sort of reaction. And, then it had been a negative one when he finally did. She'd ended up feeling more alone in all of it then she originally had.

She'd let it roll off her during the pregnancy. It had been a difficult pregnancy – she'd developed gestational diabetes - and she didn't need to add additional stress to it. She didn't want to risk losing the baby or her being so sick with stress that it affected the health of her growing little boy. But after Noah was born and it became even clearer that Kurt wasn't going to be voluntarily involved. It had also become glaringly obvious that she at least needed some financial support to be able to care for Noah the way she wanted to. So she'd filed for child support.

Kurt had then taken it upon himself to challenged Noah's paternity. He might've been within his rights to do that – but he'd also made she feel like she slept around enough that she couldn't possibly know who the father of her child was. She hated him a little for it. Though she had some smug satisfaction in the results coming back with him as the father. There hadn't been any question in her mind – she hadn't been with anyone else beyond Kurt in months and she certainly hadn't gone out for a rebound-fuck after they split.

"Would you like a complete breakdown of my menstrual history, Kurt?" She spat at him and then tried to reel herself back in. "It wasn't abnormal for me to be late. If you wanted to hear I was late – I would've been telling you every month. I'm sure that would've done wonders for our relationship. It wasn't until after we split up that I began to suspect I was more than just late."

He looked at her. She suspected that he didn't believe her – not that she really cared. "You should've told me sooner," he said.

"I wasn't under any obligation to tell you sooner – or at all," she said.

"It was my baby too," he said.

"It was my body," she said. "It was my decision. Your decision was whether or not you were going to be involved. You've made your decision pretty clear for the past six years. I let you know as soon as I had made my decision. You're the one who took weeks to respond – and then buried your head in the ground even more. Now you think you deserve joint physical custody? More visitation? Com'on Kurt. You're being ridiculous. You've never wanted anything to do with Noah. I'm giving you the opportunity to make it official. I'm giving you the easy out. Take it."

"So McTeague can play daddy?"

"Will doesn't play daddy," Olivia drilled her eyes into him. "Will is a daddy. More so than you'd ever be able to be. But this isn't about him – and if you make it about him, I will make sure to take you down. I'll keep taking this to court until Noah's 18th birthday, if I have to, just to keep you as far a way from him as I can. But I'll make sure in the process I take every cent that Noah deserves out of you with me.

"This little promotion – it's looking pretty fancy right now. I'd say you're making a lot more than a cop's salary – likely a lot more than that correspondent's salary you had too?"

He glared at her.

"You heard my offer," she said, uncrossing her legs and getting up. "It's on the table until we sit down at our next mediation meeting. My lawyer has the paperwork, if you decide you're going to do the right thing. Three weeks, Kurt. I know there's a real man in there somewhere – why not try proving it to me for once?"

She opened the door and left before he could say anything else.


	71. Chapter 71

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"So what did you do today?" He asked from behind her.

He'd come into the kitchen when he got home and sat himself on the counter as she worked on finishing dinner – ranting at her about work for a good 10 minutes. Apparently the week back to class after Spring Break wasn't going well. One of his TAs was M.I.A. and he was having to do all the marking for his first-year class on his own. Not that it sounded like a big job since most of the kids hadn't submitted their assignments, but that seemed to have him just as riled up.

To make matters worse, though, the sprinklers in the hallway where his office was located had gone off at some point during the Break. It didn't sound like his actual office had been hit much in the way of water damage but he was still having to fill out some sort of insurance forms and had been forced to work out of the grad student longue in a cubicle, which apparently was making him feel hard done by. He'd used the phrase, "You can't get anything done in there" at least three times during his vent.

His day didn't sound that interesting to her – but she'd let him get it off his chest. Her day had been much more interesting. But she wasn't about to tell him about it. She knew Will wouldn't approve of her having gone to see Kurt. He would've told her to just wait and see how the whole thing played out. But she was sick of waiting to see how it would play out. She wanted it over with so the three of them could get on with their lives.

She glanced back at him and caught him picking the crumble topping off the apple crisp she'd made for Noah. She usually only took the time to make it about once or twice a year, usually in the fall after she'd found the time to drag Noah out of the city and to a local orchard to pick apples. It was her semi-annual attempt to remind him, and maybe herself, that life existed outside the city. They usually took another farm outing to pick strawberries in the summer as well.

She wasn't much of a baker and fiddling around with cutting up apples and measuring out the ingredients for the topping wasn't really her thing. But her son loved it when they did have it in the house for those few days after she baked it. Noah had seen and smelled the crisp when they got back into the house after she'd walked him home from school. He was excited about the special treat and she'd had to shoo him away from wanting a bowl right then too. She was unimpressed that Will was now taking it upon himself to dig in before dinner.

She'd been looking for things to distract herself that day – and after stopping into the grocery store on her way back from the Ledger to pick up a few necessities, she'd ended up dragging home a lot more bags than she anticipated and had spent the rest of the day in the kitchen. She'd also made up these vegan gypsy cookies that Will was obsessed with and that Noah would actually eat and had set about on making a dinner that was more elaborate than what they'd usually eat on a Thursday night.

"Will," she snapped at him. "Would you stop picking at that. It's for Noah – and dessert."

He kind of stopped mid-chew. "Sorry," he mumbled, like he'd clearly been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. She actually did see him now eyeing the cookies, that she still had sitting on a cooling rack over on the counter too.

"Don't eat those either," she told him sternly.

He sighed. "Sorry," he said again. "I didn't eat lunch."

"That was smart," she told him. Some times he really fucking drove her crazy.

He shrugged. "I didn't really have time. Back-to-back meetings all morning. Office hours all afternoon. My retarded sophs. Seriously, I don't know how those kids survived first year. They clearly weren't in any of my classes. Fuck. I hate that course. I'm going to make sure I don't get strapped with that one again." He shook his head. "Sorry, I'm going on again. So what did you do today?"

"Groceries. This," she said and waved her hand around the kitchen. "And, I'm trying to make you dinner – assuming you have any room after scarfing down everything you see."

She eyed him again. She'd heard him move off the counter and now he was hovering near her – or more specifically near where she'd put the serving bowl containing the Greek salad she'd gone-to-town chopping and dicing for. He was picking out some of the bits of feta and popping them into his mouth.

He saw her look and removed his hand, before she could slap it with the wooden spoon she was pushing the chicken couscous around with on the stovetop.

"It smells good," he assured her.

She rolled her eyes at him. He just leaned against the counter next to the stove giving her his sad-little-boy eyes that some days she couldn't decide if he'd learned from Noah or Noah had picked up from him. It was a look that made it near impossible for her to stay flustered with either of them for any length of time.

"Set the table," she huffed at him – and he gave her a little smile and went to retrieve the plates and cutlery.

He clunked around at the dining room table and then eventually called through the window at her, "I forgot to tell you that Rob called me today just to chat but he wants you to give Karen a call – when you get a chance."

She glanced up as she pulled the baked squash out of the oven.

"Why's that?" She asked.

"Something about a baby shower. Guess you're invited."

She looked at him through the window as she transferred the squash to a serving platter and put it on the sill for him to move to the table.

"Who's pregnant?" She asked, kind of confused.

"James' girlfriend," Will said.

Olivia shook her head. "Wow. How did I miss that? Rob and Karen are going to be grandparents?"

Will shrugged. "Guess so. I'm sure it's been mentioned. But you know how they and my parents are – can't be too chatty or excited about them living in sin and having baby out of wedlock crap."

Liv rolled her eyes. "They'll all get over it as soon as there's a baby to fawn over."

"Yeah, maybe. Depends on how much they get to see the kid. I think James planned on staying out on the West Coast after grad anyways – now with a baby on the way …" Will said. "I think that's part of the reason Karen's trying to pull something together now. It's their Reading Week – they're going to be out here for a visit."

Olivia nodded. "So how far along is she actually then? What's her name, again?"

"Christie. I think she's only like five months maybe. I'm not sure. Ask Karen."

"We can have them over here for a visit too, if you want," Liv said. "Or if they want some time downtown without the transit time – or to escape your family."

Will snorted at that. He suspected James would appreciate that. "I'll shoot Jimmy off an email about it," he said.

Liv just nodded and put the couscous up for him to take to the table too – and then went to wash her hands at the sink.

She knew Will had a bit of a soft spot for his oldest nephew. He'd only been 15 when the kid had been born and had got to be involved with helping care for the boy while he was a baby and a toddler. Will was a good uncle to all of his brothers' kids. But he'd developed a special connection with James over the years – even though it had slipped a bit as James got older, now basically a man, and had moved across the country. James marched to the beat of his own drum, much like Will had, and still did. That seemed to make Will a bit easier to for the young man to relate to. She already knew from things Will had said, it'd been him, not other members of the family, that James had reached out to for help and advice at different points in his life. If anyone understood the challenges of dealing with the McTeague family when you didn't fit neatly into their uber-grey-collar-white-folks-almost-suburban-New-York-City mould – it was Will.

"So do you think you'll go to the shower thing?" Will asked.

Liv shrugged. "Yeah, sure, likely, if it doesn't interfere with work. I'll call Karen later tonight." She turned off the faucet. "I'm going to get Noah up for dinner. Can you pour some drinks? I want to see if we can get some of the coconut milk into Noah – and, I think I'd like to have a glass of wine with dinner tonight."

Will nodded, as she slipped down the hallway.


	72. Chapter 72

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She reached down and moved his hand away from where he had been running his fingers across her C-section scar. She hated when he did that – but she knew he likely hadn't even realized he was doing it. It just ended up being where his hand landed and where his always restless movements ended up fidgeting while they were spooning.

They'd been laying together like that for some time – neither of them sleeping, though they'd both headed up to bed earlier than usual.

She adjusted her pajamas and rolled onto her back and looked at him.

"What are you thinking about, sweetheart?" She asked him.

Even in the dark she could see him give a little shrug. "I don't know. Nothing really. Why? What are you thinking about?"

She didn't respond right away and he rolled over onto his back as well – now staring at the ceiling with her. She scooted over closer to him and rested her head against his shoulder and intertwined her fingers in his. He rolled his head towards her and gave her a small smile and a little squeeze to her hand.

"Does it bother you that you missed Noah being a baby?" She asked softly.

He glanced at her and then examined the ceiling again, squeezing her hand a bit tighter.

"You asking that because of Jimmy and Christie?"

Now it was her turn to shrug a little. "I guess it made me think a little, yeah."

He flexed their joint hands up and down a couple times. She let him.

"I don't know," he said. "I hadn't ever really thought about it quite that way. It bothers me that you had to deal with a baby alone. That's hard."

She glanced at him. "We were OK," she told him.

He smiled. "I know. You're always OK."

She allowed a small laugh at that comment. "You wanted kids, though, right? You and Tessa must've talked about it?"

"Mmm," he said. "Yeah, we both wanted a family. But we hadn't started trying or anything. We were going to give ourselves a few years to get settled into our careers and marriage and all of that. We'd kind of talked about waiting until we were at least 30 before thinking about purposely trying to have a baby."

She looked at him quietly. "Do you still want kids of your own?" She finally said.

He glanced at her. "Are you asking if I want to have a baby with you?"

She thought about it. "I don't know. I don't think I want another baby right now – for a bunch of reasons. Even if I did, I'm not even sure if I could get pregnant again at this point – or carry a healthy baby to term. Noah was a rough pregnancy."

He nodded. "So you're asking if that's a problem for me?"

She examined the ceiling. "I guess so."

"It's not," he said immediately.

She looked at him. "That's all?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. I'm happy with what we have. I love Noah. Part of me wishes he was mine but I also know he is. It kind of balances out. Most days. I try not to dwell on it. Besides, I always knew you weren't looking to have more kids. I don't know that I am either. I really hadn't put much thought into it, Liv. I just kind of figured it wasn't on the table."

"That's not very fair to you, though," she said.

He looked at her again. "Liv, I'm happy with our family the way it is. You don't have to feel like we need to have a baby at some point for me to be happy in this. I'd never ask you to do that. It's not some sort of undisclosed requirement for you to marry me. I'm not going to drop that on you later. Lots of couples and families don't or can't have babies. We have Noah. That's good enough for me. If God or the universe or fate or whatever decides to add more to that – then I guess we'll deal with it then. It's kind of a silly thing to be wasting energy on thinking about now."

"I don't think it's silly," she said.

He rubbed his thumb across the top of her hand. "Babe, don't get all stressed out and worked up about something that isn't even an issue. Seriously. I'm happy. Are you happy? Is Noah enough for you?"

She nodded – but didn't form words.

"Then we're good, right?"

She shrugged. "I guess so."

"It'd be different," she finally added quietly. "To be pregnant and to have you there. And to have the baby's daddy there to help and bond with the baby and to get the chance to watch that. To have the support too and someone to share it with.

"I just felt so alone – and judged - when I was pregnant with Noah. I spent the whole time wondering if it was the right choice. No matter how excited and happy I got – I was just so terrified half the time. And, I didn't have anyone there – to be excited and happy about it for me or with me. It was just hard. And then after he was born – it was just so lonely too. Having Noah is one of the best things that's happened to me – but it was also just … one of the most isolating experiences of my life too. A lot of my joy was really augmented with this deep sense of loneliness and sadness. I don't think that's what it's supposed to be like. Is it? Not for normal people. Isn't it supposed to be this joyful experience that brings people together?"

He rolled back onto his side and examined her, putting a small kiss on her temple. She looked fine. She wasn't crying and her body didn't seem tense. But she was still gazing at the ceiling.

"I wish we'd known each other then," Will said. "I wouldn't have let you feel that way."

She gave him a little smile. "I know."

"Noah's fantastic," he said. "You've done an amazing job with him so far. He's one of the best things to happen in my life. You too."

She reached up and rubbed his bicep.

"I don't know what I'd do without you guys," he told her, looking into her eyes. "You saved me Liv. I didn't like the person I'd become before I met you. You and Noah – you brought me out of it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. You're all I need. You're more than I ever imagined I would get at that point in my life. To not just get you – but to get this awesome little boy. To get a family. I'm really lucky. I'm thankful every day. I don't need more. I don't want to be greedy."

She rubbed his cheek. "You're too good for me," she admitted.

He shook his head. "No, that's the opposite way around. Liv – we all get the love we think we deserve. We deserve this. We do. You need to stop doubting it and stop creating excuses or what-ifs about the future or scenarios that might make me walk-away. I'm not going anywhere.

"Liv – you're going to crush me, if you push me out of your guys' lives. I need you to understand that. If I've done something that means you don't think I can be in your and Noah's lives – I can learn to accept that. It will be really hard – but if you explained it to me and told me it was best for your son, I'd deal with it. But don't push me away because of what-ifs we can't answer. Please. What we have is enough. It really is."


	73. Chapter 73

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia became aware that there were eyes on her that weren't Will's and shifted her gaze to the top of the stairs. Noah was standing there – his one small hand still on the banister and staring at them almost like a deer in headlights, confusion and creasing his brow.

She hit Will's shoulder twice. He still hadn't noticed or stopped. Her mind was reeling – and shifting between panic at what was going through her son's head and embarrassment and anger at herself.

How could've she not heard her son awake and coming up the stairs? She realized then that they had the stereo still on. She was the one who had switched it on – listening to some music while she worked on the Times crossword that she'd saved from Thursday's paper in bed. She'd also been the one who had initiated the sex when Will had come out of the shower after getting back from going for a run.

But it wasn't even 6 a.m. yet. She had thought they were safe. Though Noah was unpredictable throughout the night, after his usual rousing between 2 and 3 a.m., he'd generally be down for the count until at least 6:30. On Saturdays too, he would usually take himself down to the playroom or camp out in the living room in front of the television in the mornings and hardly even acknowledged them unless he was having a particularly hard day health-wise.

And, if being caught wasn't bad enough and she wasn't cursing their oversights - her and Will hadn't even gotten under the covers. There was no hiding what they were doing. Will's naked ass was in the air and they both had it all hanging out.

"Hi sweets," she said carefully. It had only been split-seconds since she'd spotted her son but it had felt like an eternity passed before Will finally joined her in realizing what was happening as she spoke and he glanced over his shoulder, pure panic painting across his face.

He rolled off of her, grabbing at a pillow and holding it to his crotch – avoiding eye contact with Noah and her. She supposed the movement made him feel better about his compromising position – but he'd now left her laying on the bed completely exposed to her small son who was still staring at them. She quickly sat up and grabbed for her discarded tank, which was thankfully still within reach, and pulled it over her head.

"Mom, I'm hungry," Noah said, still watching her as she glanced around trying to find where the hell her sleep shorts or panties had ended up.

She looked at him. "OK, Noah. Well, how about you go back downstairs then, please, and I'll be right there to get you some breakfast."

He was still gazing at her carefully but started to back down the steps slowly.

Will glanced at her as the boy left and she stood from the bed, giving up on finding her bottoms and getting clean ones out of her drawer.

"I left the door open downstairs," he said, still clutching the pillow to himself and hunched over in embarrassment at the edge of the bed. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I heard you up. I left it open. I thought we'd both likely be heading downstairs. I wasn't thinking."

She pulled on her panties. "Oh, well, it's happened now," she said. "We can't change it."

"How long was he there?"

She pulled up a pair of her yoga pants and looked at him. "I'm not sure. Not long, I don't think."

"But he saw everything," Will said.

She shrugged and went into the bathroom to quickly wash her hands and to check out just how sexed she looked and if there was anything she could do to fix it before she headed downstairs.

"He saw more than he needed to," she just told Will simply.

Will put his head in his hands. "Oh my God, I'm sorry, Liv."

She shook her head and shrugged. "It's OK. It's a miracle he hasn't caught us before, really. I've been putting off talking to him anyways. This isn't exactly how I imagined providing a concrete clarification about our relationship for him – but it is what it is."

"What are we going to say to him?"

She crossed her arms and looked at him. "I don't know. I'll see what he wants to know. It's OK. You stay up here for a few minutes. Do whatever you need to do – calm down. I'll go talk to him."

Will shook his head. "It's OK. I'll come too," he said, getting up to wander towards the dresser and find some clothes. He'd come out of the shower in just a towel.

She held up her hand for him to stop. "Will, really, let me talk to him alone for a few minutes. He's my son. Let me check on him."

Will considered it. He didn't really want to participate in the conversation anyways. He knew he'd likely be way more embarrassed and blushing through it than Olivia. So he sighed but nodded in agreement.

Noah was just standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking up and waiting for her when she got to the top of them. She gave him a smile and trotted down them.

"Morning sunshine," she told him, taking his hand. "Let's go see what we can find for breakfast."

Noah let her but looked at her questioningly.

"You and Will were naked, Mom," he told her as they walked towards the kitchen.

"Mmm," she nodded. "We were."

"Why?"

"Good question, let's talk about that in a second," she agreed.

She opened the fridge and got the carton of strawberries out and handed them to Noah, along with the bottle of honey from the countertop. She grabbed some bowls, forks and a knife, and nudged her son towards the table.

They sat down and she started to slice up some of the strawberries for her boy – tossing them into the one bowl as she went.

"What were you doing Mom?" Noah asked again, examining her.

"Well, Noah, Will and I were having sex. We've talked a little about sex before, right?"

Noah looked at her, his brow scrunching with questions. "You're making a baby?"

She shook her head. "No, sweetheart. Sometimes sex is just something that two grown-ups who really, really, really care about each other do. It's a way for grown-ups to show how much they love each other. It's a different kind of sex from baby-making. It's called making love. It's private time, though, and I'm sorry you saw it – and if it upset you."

He considered her. "But you were making sounds and Will was roughhousing and you say you that isn't allowed."

She gave him a small smile. "Noah, Will wasn't hurting me. I promise."

"Maybe he needs a time out," Noah suggested.

She laughed. "I'm pretty sure he is in our room taking a time out right now."

She squirted a bit of honey on the cut-up strawberries and pushed the bowl and a fork towards her son. He willing picked up the utensil and started to eat.

She watched him for a minute.

"Sweets, you understand Mommy and Will aren't just friends anymore, right? That we all live together like a family now?"

Noah nodded. "And Will is like the daddy."

"Yes, sweetheart. Will is like the daddy for you – and mommies and daddies sleep together in the same room and they make love."

"So Will is like your daddy now too?"

She gave a little snort at that comment and smiled at her son. She touched his cheek.

"Sort of, sweets. We're your mommy and daddy – but Will's Mommy's boyfriend and I'm Will's girlfriend."

"That's why you kiss," he stated matter-of-factly.

"That is definitely why we kiss too," she agreed. "And, it's why we hug and sleep in the same room and tell each other we love each other."

"Will says he loves me too," Noah told her.

"He does. Will loves you very much."

"Will living with us is better," Noah told her after spearing a couple more strawberries and getting them into his mouth.

"Yeah?" She asked.

He nodded.

"Why's that, sweets?"

"Because he can play more now and he doesn't have to leave at night so he's always here and that's good expect when he goes to school. Then he isn't here," Noah clarified for her.

She nodded. "Good points. I like us all living here too."

"Can we go to the park after Will's time out?"

She laughed again. "I think we can manage that. Where in the park do you want to go?"

"The playground," he suggested. "Mom can we go to the comic store too, if Will's not grounded?"

"Will's not grounded, sweets. He didn't do anything wrong. We can likely go to the comic store too – or maybe the Craft Hut?"

"Craft Hut?" Noah perked up at that.

She nodded. "Don't we need another glue stick and a new colouring book?"

"Yeah," Noah said excitedly.

"Well, maybe you should go and tell Will so he knows we've got big plans for today and we aren't mad at him at all," she said. But she added as Noah stood from the table, "Sweets, if the door is closed – you knock, and if it's open, you call up first and get permission to go up. OK?"

Noah trotted off down the hall and she could hear him hollering up the stairs at Will and then running up the stairs.


	74. Chapter 74

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Hey, look who decided to grace us with her presence," Munch teased as she came into the squad room and went to hang up her coat.

She just smiled at him and went to grab a tea from the coffee table before heading to her desk. It felt good to be back. As much as she didn't want to think about what was coming up later in the week or what disgusting cases might be thrown at her that day – she was just happy to be back in her element, back at her job – her rock. She was even happy to see her desk and that piece-of-shit computer that they still expected her to be able to accomplish anything on.

It was good to see the guys too. Her family away from home. They looked happy to see her too – which made her feel good. At least they missed having her around – that had to count for something in all the wranglings that were going on.

"You are smiling way too much for a Monday morning," Elliot told her as she came over to her desk.

"So sorry about that," she nodded at him.

"So com'on lets hear it," Fin said. "How'd the big holiday go?"

"Has Noah been suitably corrupted by the Disney subliminal-messaging marketing-machine?" Munch commented.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that one day we spent there has scarred him for life, John."

"All they need is one day," he said. "You watch - he's going to be humming the Mickey Mouse song and you're going to be buying up more of their products – just to brainwash him even more. He's corrupted for life now."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Mickey Mouse is the least of my worries when it comes to him, John. Com'on."

"Don't let Goofy over there give you a hard time about treating the kid," Fin said, giving Munch a bit of the evil eye. "So what'd you do anyways?"

"Mmm," she said, pulling out her phone and flipping through the albums. "We mostly just sat on the beach. Here," she held out the phone for Fin but Elliot grabbed it before the other detective could. Fin gave him a dirty look but stood up to go stand behind him and see the photos that Elliot was flipping through too.

"Oh, no way," Elliot said, turning the phone back towards Liv. "You went to the space centre? You didn't tell me that."

She nodded from taking a sip of her tea and watching her computer still work at booting up.

"Yeah, that was a fun day. Noah got to tell a real-life astronaut that's what he's going to be when he grows up."

Elliot gave her a smile. "I'd love to go there. I so wanted to be an astronaut as a kid too."

Liv nodded again. "Yeah, I remembered that." She bent over and flipped open her bag, pulling out a NASA play set the same as Noah had got at the space centre. She handed it to Elliot, who grabbed it eagerly.

"It's for Eli," she told him. "But maybe if you ask nicely, he'll let you play with it too."

Her partner was glowing and turning the box over to look at all the details on the back of what was inside. "I don't know if I can take this home to him. At least not without breaking it open here first."

Fin looked at it with some element of disgust. "What's with white kids and wanting to be astronauts?" He shook his head.

"Noah actually wants to be a Jedi. An astronaut is just the current compromise," she said.

At that, Munch grabbed the phone away from the other two men. "Let me look at this stuff," he said, "see what kind of torture you're inflicting on that innocent mind."

"Better watch out, John," she said. "There's some pictures of him at Disney and battling Darth Vader on there. I wouldn't want those images to give you some sort of brain aneurism."

He shook his head. "A Jedi?" he said in disgust. "Now you're letting George Lucas corrupt him too?"

"Mmm," she said, starting to click into her email and watch the files pile in. "You can blame Will for that."

"Doesn't matter – it all goes back to Lucas. Did you know that guy got basically no money for Star Wars but has made his billions on the licensing of the products. The guy is a marketing machine. Who the hell needs Star Wars diapers? He's getting them from birth. It's a giant brain-washing scheme. That guy is on the Dark Side. Not to mention his entire franchise is basically blatant plagarism. There's nothing original about it."

Olivia shot him a small smile. "I'll be sure to pass that all along to Noah."

He turned the phone towards her – it was her holding Noah tightly against her in front of the big AT-AT at Hollywood Studios. They were both wearing giant and stupid smiles. Noah had his R2-D2 Mickey Mouse ears on and was wielding his brand-new personally-crafted lightsabre.

"Yeah, that's a good one, right?" She teased him. "Cutest kid ever."

John shook his head. "They brain-washed you both. I have to bring in some more books for you – try to undo the damage before it's too late."

John was basically their personal library. He was constantly bringing in some of the classics that he thought she should read to Noah. As odd as it was – it was also very sweet of him, and she'd come to appreciate it and look forward to seeing what he'd be recommending next. The constant flow of books had worked out really well with Noah being sick too. She was pretty sure Noah had now been exposed to more literature than some kids were by the time they finished high school.

Cragen came out of his office and looked at them all – still going through their morning routines and none of them really settled into working yet, especially now that they were distracted by hearing about Olivia's vacation.

"OK, people, we've got some calls that came in that we've got to get going on," he said. "Olivia, Elliot – St. Luke's called in with a rape victim there. Go retrieve the rape kit and talk to the victim. John – don't you have some court prep to be doing? Fin – I need you following up on that rape-murder you went out to on Saturday. The Crime Lab should have more for you by now – get on it."

He made eye contact with Olivia now, even though she was already rearranging the things on her desk to head back out after barely getting to sit down long enough to get re-established.

"Good to have you back, Olivia," he said.

She just nodded at him.

"Did you have an OK time?"

She allowed him a small smile as she went to put her coat back on. "Yeah, we did."

He nodded. "Good. Now let's hit the ground running."

She knew what he was driving at. Going out on a case as soon as she was back – and hopefully being able to deal with it professionally, effectively and quickly – could only work in her favour on Thursday.

"Yes, sir," she said.


	75. Chapter 75

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Cragen looked at the other men and one woman sitting around the conference table in the room at One Police Plaza. Olivia Benson and her union rep had sat there talking with them for a good 40 minutes. Olivia actually hadn't done much talking – leaving most of it to her union representative – but her position was clear. She had a compassionate care agreement, Noah was still sick, and she wasn't going to leave Manhattan SVU on her own accord – even temporarily.

"Olivia Benson is one of my best detectives," Cragen said, breaking the silence as people still looked over their notes and flipped through their files. "Removing her – even temporarily, especially if it's against her wishes – is going to cause more disruption for my squad room than her missing some time to care for her sick son."

"Our records show she's missing a lot of hours, Don," said the HR representative at the table.

"She is diligent about giving me notice about what her week is going to look like – just like she agreed to. There's been very few unexpected absences from her – and what there has been, there has been good reason. She has kept up her end of this bargain," Cragen said.

"I don't think we ever imagined we were looking at an agreement that could extend two or more years," said another one of the administrators. "These things are usually directed at situations where the kids or spouse is expected to be dead within six months max. I don't even understand how this ended up going through."

Cragen didn't volunteer that at the time – with everything else Olivia had on her plate – he may have put in some phone calls to help things along to make sure she had her bases covered as best as possible before Noah had to start his chemotherapy. Even if his phone calls and shout-outs for favours had helped speed things up – he certainly didn't make Legal do any special favours for Olivia. He had assumed she was just getting handed the contract the same as any other officer would in her situation.

"It's not Detective Benson's fault that the ball got dropped there, then, is it?" Cragen said. "Though, I'm sure she appreciates her only child is still alive. But that little boy still has a long way to go. She's not asking for special favours – she's asking that we honour the contract that we all signed on to with her, and she's asking that we just let her do her job."

"Is she even doing her job anymore, though? That's the whole point of all of this," said the district chief representative at the table. "Your whole squad's caseload is backlogged right now. How many cases does Benson have open right now?"

Cragen flipped into the file in front of him. "She has seven on her docket right now. And there's 12 others that she's co-signed on with Detective Stabler."

"And how many are sitting cold right now?"

He flipped through the files again. "It looks like she's got two of her own that she hasn't made much progress on since they were opened. But that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her situation. You know how some of these rape cases can go."

"Why isn't she just benched?" said the peer advocate who was sent as a representative to the conference.

Cragen looked up. "If I had her benched some of you would be complaining even more about our closure rate," he said. "I had her basically riding the desk until her son went into maintenance therapy back in December. She's more available now. When she's in, I treat her like any of my other detectives – I send her out on case. So, maybe if you give it some more time, you'll see our rates go back up."

"How available is she really?" Asked the woman from HR. "What's her actual work week look like anymore?"

Cragen shrugged. "Look, people, it varies. She still has a sick kid she's got to get to appointments. Generally, she's in about four days a week anymore. Some days she starts a bit later or leaves a bit earlier because of other commitments – but when she's here, she's here – the same as the rest of my detectives. Every third week she works a shorter week when the boy has to go into the hospital for treatment. But she still does the extra hours like the rest of them. She's still on-call for nights and on weekend rotation. I've had her out at crime scenes at 3 a.m. – she hasn't put up any fuss. She's doing her job the best she can given the circumstances and my feeling is she's operating well within this agreement," he said, tapping at it in front of him.

"I don't see why she can't just be transferred to one of the more 9-5 units until the kid is better," said one of the other representatives at the table. "She'd keep her seniority, rate of pay, still be operating within the agreement. Be good for her and we could get in a full-time detective for SVU until she's ready to move back."

"You can't just transfer her without her agreement unless we want to turn this into a legal battle," Cragen said. "You think the union isn't just frothing at the mouth to get some media exposure to all of this? A single mother, a female detective, more than 14 years with the NYPD, with a child with cancer? If this gets out – it's not going to paint a glowing public image of the NYPD. Is this really how we want to treat one of our own?"

"Was this agreement made so flexible because she's a single mother?" Asked the chief of detectives. "It seems like we fucked ourselves. If it was a married couple – they wouldn't need to be utilizing this as much as her is. I think the general wording around these contracts need to be re-examined at the next series of union negotiations."

"That still falls out of the scope of our discussion about Detective Benson," Cragen said. "And, I wouldn't be so sure that this agreement would be any less utilized if Benson was a man or married. A sick child is a sick child. It's a lot of work and a lot of appointments. I think if you speak to anyone in my squad room, they'll tell you that she's done an exemplarily job at being present when she is here and has handled herself and balanced the work situation very well in a really difficult situation. I don't know any of us could do any better."

There was more flipping of paper.

"When's the last time she had a mandatory evaluation by the precinct shrink?" asked one of the legal advisors at the table.

The HR woman looked through her paperwork again. "It doesn't look like we ever made her get an evaluation during any of this."

"I think we should order that then," said the legal advisor. "Get a report on where she's at. Maybe she's not even in a mental place for it to be advisable for her to be in special victims anymore, in which case all of this discussion really becomes a moot point. There'd be grounds for a forced leave or a negotiated transfer."

Cragen shook his head. "You're just looking for creative ways to push her out – to get out of a previous mistake by someone in Legal in the wording of this agreement. The reality is that a stricter timeframe should've been put on it – and there wasn't. She's well within her rights to continue working an adjusted schedule until her son's treatment is over."

"This medical paperwork her rep provided has a treatment plan that extends for another 20 months – and this isn't even finalized, it's dependent on the child's response to the actual treatment. We could be talking another two or more years here. That's not really acceptable."

"You aren't paying her for when she's not here. She's not grossing seniority for her missed days. What's the problem?" Cragen said.

"But we are still paying into her insurance and benefits. And the bigger issue is still the backlog in Manhattan SVU. We don't have the budget to get you another detective to get you started on pulling up your bootstraps – and you've got dead weight there right now."

"Detective Benson is far from dead weight," Cragen near growled. "I think we should re-evaluate the situation in another three months. At that point she'll have had about six months where I've had her back in the field for the most part. That should have positive results for her docket and for the whole squad room."

The meeting chair considered the comments. "I think Jake is right – let's get her in for a psych eval before we take this any further and then work from there. We should be able to get that scheduled and a report back within about what? Two weeks? So let's reconvene after the Easter weekend and see where we're at."

"What if the union won't agree to her having an evaluation?"

"Well, we all know what happens if our detectives refuse to participate in a mandatory evaluation. File it out to get it make it mandatory. We'll make sure all the paperwork is in order. Don, you'll make sure she knows and gets her ass to it."

Cragen sighed but nodded and jotted down a note of his own. It was going to be yet another conversation that was likely going to make Olivia explode at him.


	76. Chapter 76

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot sat watching Olivia. She was preoccupied, eating a salad and flipping through the case file for a home interview they were going to head out to after they finished their lunch.

When she came back from her big review meeting, he'd asked how it had gone. She'd just said, "Cake walk." He thought after they got out of the bullpen she might've had some more to add to that – but so far she hadn't.

"You seriously aren't going to tell me anything else about it?" He finally asked and she glanced at him from her reading.

"There's really not anything to tell right now, El," she said. "I said my piece – that I signed a contract and I'm not going anywhere. My rep did the rest of the talking. Some paperwork got passed around. They asked a couple questions. I left."

"What kind of questions?"

"If I'd consider transferring, some stuff about the treatment plan I had brought in from Noah's oncologist, my closure rate. That was about it. Ball is in their court right now. I just have to wait to see what their next move is."

"And you're going to do that – just wait?" He said.

"Well, what other choice do I have, Elliot?"

"What'd your union guy say?"

"That we have to wait to see what they come back with so we can continue our negotiations."

"Well when are you going to hear back?"

She shrugged. "There wasn't a strict timeframe put on it. I don't really care. The more they screw around on it – the longer the status quo maintains. But I assume they want to deal with it quickly. I'm sure I'll hear something by next week."

"And you just wait until then?"

"El, you know how this stuff goes. You've been there too."

He sighed on her behalf. She didn't seem as worked up about it as he thought she should be.

Sensing the conversation was over for the moment, she went back to working at eating her lunch and reading the file.

Her cell rang and she looked at the screen before answering it and putting it to her ear.

"Hey," she said into it, glancing at Elliot. He pretended to be very interested in eating his lunch, even though she knew he was listening closely and how could he not – she was sitting right across from him. If she wanted privacy she was going to have to get up from the table – but she really didn't care enough to move.

"Yeah, it went fine," she said. "Mmm, no, it basically went how we expected. Yeah, I just kept my mouth shut. I'm fine. Yeah, just have to wait to see what they come back with. I don't know – next week I'd guess. I don't know, Will. Will, I don't know. Mmm, yeah. OK. Yeah, I'll still be getting him. Yeah, it's not a problem. No, it looks like I should be getting out of here at a normal time. I'm just eating lunch. Salad. It has tuna on it. Water. Stop it, Will. I'm with Elliot. No. We're going up to Midtown after. I don't know. I might just head over to the school from there. OK. Well what time do you think you'll be home? I don't know. We need groceries. We already had that this week. Whatever. No. We'll just stop at Whole Foods on the way home. It's fine. No. No, Will. We'll just end up doing take-out tomorrow. I don't want to do two nights of take-out. It's fine. I'll cook. OK. Yeah. You too."

She glanced at Elliot. He was smiling at her. "You sound like an old married couple," he said.

"Fuck off, El," she said.

He laughed and looked back at his plate.


	77. Chapter 77

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I can feel the tension rolling off of you," Will said into the dark.

He felt Liv move a bit on the other side of the bed. He knew she wasn't sleeping.

"I thought you said it went OK?" He said.

She adjusted her position more, the mattress flexing slightly.

"It did," she said. Her voice sounded upset – like she might be near tears.

He rolled over to her side of the bed and went to wrap his arms around her but she pulled away a bit.

"Liv, com'on," he said and tried to embrace her again. She let him that time. "So what's wrong?"

"It just feels so out of my control right now," she said.

He nodded against her. "I guess it kind of is, babe. But you worked hard to have all your bases covered. You pulled together a really good supporting package. Your rep has your back. You just have to trust the process at this point."

"I don't trust the process," she said.

He kissed her jawline. "I know. But you have to try to. It's all you can do right now."

"This pysch evaluation is a crock of shit," she added.

"You've done those before," he told her. "You'll be fine. At least you've got lots of practice in with all this stuff with the custody suit."

"I haven't got a clue what they'll be watching for me to say," she said. "They're going to be asking me about Noah being sick. How can I talk about that and not come across like a basket case?"

"Well, I don't think that should be a problem. You sure as hell aren't a basket case in how you deal with him being sick."

"Yes, I am."

He shook his head. "No, you aren't, Liv. You're really level headed. You ask all the right questions with the doctors. You keep him calm. You fucking keep me calm. You know the ins and outs of that hospital like a fucking pro. You've been doing really well. If Noah's social worker or counselor thought that any of us were losing our grip, we'd know. We've been doing everything they've asked of us. We're star coping students."

"I just don't want to be put on trial for my son being sick," she said. "I don't want to talk to the precinct shrink about it. I've been trying to keep the emotional aspects of it all out of the workplace. Now they are going to use the fact that I have emotions about it against me."

"I don't think that's exactly how it's going to work, Liv," he said. "They're just going to try to gauge where you're at. Focus your answers on the job. You've been doing your job. You're back in the field. That's been going OK. Just reinforce that you're handling it all fine – because you are."

"Maybe I should just agree to the transfer."

"I don't think that's really want you want," he told her.

She sighed. "When do we get a break, Will? When can we just have our lives back from all this fucking bullshit?" She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"I don't know, Liv. Maybe we just have to get all sappy and take our cue from Lennon or something. 'Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans.' Maybe this is just life."

"Other people's lives don't look this fucked up."

"Everyone is fucked up. Some people just are pretty good at hiding it. You don't seem that fucked up to the casual onlooker," he teased her.

She gave a small snort to that. "I'm just so tired."

He nodded. "I know. You could let me carry a bit more of the load."

"You do enough. More than your share."

"I've got burly firemen genes buried somewhere in me. I can be a pack-horse, Liv."

She allowed another small laugh at that.

He nuzzled her neck. "I love you, if that helps."

She did laugh at that. "Yeah, that makes it all better."

"I knew it."

She rolled towards him and examined the shadowed outline of his face in the dark.

"Tell me it's going to be alright," she said.

"Olivia, it's going to be alright," he said.

She sighed and put her forehead against his, gripping his shoulders.

"I hate this," she told him.

"Some times we've got to fight for the things that are important to us," he assured her. "SVU is important to you. It's a good fight to keep plugging away at. It will be OK in the end."

"I don't know about that."

"It will. Everything is always OK in the end. If it's not OK – it's not the end."

"Some times you are way to Yoda-like for me," she said.

"You making Star Wars references turns me on."

She laughed and smacked him across the chest.

"Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?" He asked.

"I doubt it. I think I'm going to go back downstairs."

He sighed. "Want me to come too? We can pick a movie?"

She shook her head. "I'll just read for a while. Maybe do some paperwork."

"Liv," he sighed.

She gave him a small kiss but he moved his hands up to cup her face and lingered a bit longer.

"I'm OK," she assured him as they broke apart.

"I'm going to come down," he said, pushing himself up. "For a while. I'll have a tea with you."

She nodded. "OK. But I am OK."

He rubbed her arm. "No, you aren't. But you're stronger than you give yourself credit for."


	78. Chapter 78

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She saw him walking towards her desk almost too quickly and pulling the paperwork out of his pocket.

Her partner looked up and saw him too. "Hey Will," he greeted.

Will just nodded in his direction without words.

Liv looked at him and sighed. "I'm sorry," she said.

"It's OK," he told her and handed her the forms. She started looking at them. "I filled it out. You should just have to sign it."

She nodded at the comment, but still continued to read them over while he impatiently hovered above her.

"What'd they say?" She asked, glancing up at him.

"She just said she'd see what she could do for us, if we got the paperwork in to her today. Registration is already closed and they generally discourage players who are expected to miss more than two games – but she'd said she'd look it over and see if she could shuffle him in somewhere that's expected to be short or maybe able to accommodate us.

"There's a medical section on the back of the second page," he added. "You should probably look it over too."

She nodded and flipped to the page.

"Soccer or baseball?" Elliot asked, eavesdropping on the conversation.

"Baseball," Will nodded back at him.

"Will, seriously?" She pointed at the form. It had asked for any medical conditions and medications that the player was on. Will had simply written 'cancer' and 'chemo'.

He shrugged.

"Could you be anymore unspecific?"

"How much do they really need to know?" He said.

"Well, let's see, if he ends up in the back of an ambulance, I think they need to know a little more than this," she glared at him, and started rooting through her top drawer looking for white-out.

"He's not going to end up in the back of an ambulance and we'd be there anyways to talk to EMS and the doctors IF something did happen."

She didn't respond but looked up from her search. "Does anyone have white-out?" She asked.

Fin picked up some from off his desk and rolled his chair over a bit to be able to hand it to her without standing up. She nodded her thanks and dabbed it on the paper, blowing on it a little.

Liv looked up at Will while she waited for it to dry. "Maybe we should just leave this until next spring," she said.

"Liv, he wants to do it. It will be good for him – for all of us – to do something normal."

She sighed. "I just don't want him to get hurt."

"It's T-ball, Olivia. What's the worst thing that could happen to him?" He held up his hand. "Don't get onto the germ thing. He goes to school every day. We have him out on weekends. We both know on his good days – he's fine. We'll be monitoring his counts like always. You can give him your fucking sanitizer baths every time he gets off the field. Sign the papers."

She glanced across at Elliot and then over at Fin, who she also caught looking at them. They were both observing this interaction a little too closely for her liking. Will didn't usually come into the office unless it was to do some sort of hand-off of Noah and on the occasions he did make an appearance he didn't chat – beyond asking when she'd be home. Her colleagues likely didn't know Will could form sentences – nor that they bickered back-and-forth constantly. And, they certainly never got to see some man boss her around – and for her to actually listen. She wasn't sure she liked them seeing that. Maybe it compromised her image just a little too much. She'd gotten used to them seeing some of her motherly side now that she had Noah – though that had taken a while too. But they definitely hadn't seen the girlfriend/live-in partner/co-parent interaction side of her before. Elliot might've seen some glimpses of it – but outside of the office setting or in their private chats in the squad car or on lunch breaks, not sitting in the squad room. They both appeared a little too fascinated by the current interaction.

She cursed herself a little. She should've moved outside of the bullpen when Will got there to limit his exposure to her colleagues. She hadn't realized he'd be so retarded, though. She thought she'd be signing a piece of paper and he'd be on his way.

She looked down at the forms again.

"How much is this?" She asked getting to the credit card section.

"$225," Will told her.

Her eyes went big. "$225?" She stated back to him in disbelief.

"Well, we have a $75 late fee. But it includes their uniforms too," he tried to assure her.

"They're five and six. What the hell kind of uniforms are they putting them in?" She asked digging her wallet out of her locked drawer.

He shrugged again. "Hey, hey – put it on the points card," he told her after he saw she selected the Visa rather than the AmEx.

"You sound like my wife," Elliot teased from across the desk.

"Don't knock the points cards," he directed at her partner. "You'd be surprised how they add up."

"Oh yeah," Liv said. "I think I've gotten a whooping $10 off groceries."

"Because you never use the bloody card," he told her. "If you were putting any of Noah's medical stuff on that card, we'd be rolling in the points."

"All at a special high interest rate that defeats the purpose of even collecting the points and racks up the debt even more. Another great financial suggestion from the mathematician," she rolled her eyes at him. "You never use the points you have anyways."

She heard Elliot snort a repressed laugh and she shot him a look.

"You'll feel differently about that when I have enough points for us to go somewhere awesome," he said.

"That you will have already more than paid for in added interest," she said, as she finished writing out the credit card number from the Visa – not the AmEx - and handed the form back to him.

"Thanks," he started to walk away. "Don't forget about tonight. Make sure she gets her ass out of her on time," he directed Elliot.

"I'll do my best."

"$225," she intoned at Elliot again, as Will disappeared.

"Sports aren't cheap," he shrugged. "At least it's not hockey or music lessons – that's a fortune."

She sighed. "Fuck, sometimes I feel like a walking ATM."

He snorted. "Try it with five kids."

"One is enough."

"What's tonight?" he asked.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "He has some sort of donor soirée. His quarterly attempt to bilk funding dollars from the rich and pompous. Apparently my presence is required. Just how I want to spend my Friday night."

"Thinks a pretty woman will have more luck getting the big bucks than him?" Elliot teased.

"He hasn't had any problems before," she said. "Believe it or not, Will is able to turn on the charm pretty well."

"Well, I figured, you're still letting him hang around."

She shook her head at him.

"Mr. Comic Book likely just wants to show off that he has a girlfriend," Fin said.

Liv just glanced at him and offered him no comment.

"See, that has to be love or trying to keep it legit in the bedroom," Fin added. "You wouldn't catch me dead at one of those things unless love or sex was involved."

"Yeah, Fin, I definitely agreed to go to ensure I get some this weekend," she shook her head at him. "Now can we get back to work and stop talking about my personal life? Or I do I have start inquiring about what you guys and your right-hands have planned for your Friday evening?"

"Whoa, Liv, touchy," Fin retorted rolling his seat a bit further away from her, though he allowed a small smile.

"I'm married," Elliot said.

Liv glanced up from what she was doing. "Yeah, I hear the frequency of things hits the decline button shortly after the wedding."

"Maybe you can let me know the truth of that hypothesis after you've been married for more than 25 years," El said.

"If you're still alive if I ever hit that milestone, I'll be sure to get back to you," she told him.


	79. Chapter 79

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

May finished putting some of the leftovers from the baby shower onto a small plate and handed it across the counter to Noah.

"There you go," she told him. "You can take it down to share with Popa and your daddy." She realized what she'd said as soon as it came out of her mother and slapped a hand over it, glancing at Olivia, who had clearly heard from where she was drying up and stacking dishes.

But Noah hadn't shown any sort of reaction in anyway. He eagerly took the plate and started to march out of the kitchen.

"Hey, Noah," Olivia called at him and he glanced back. "The grapes and cheese and two treats." She held up two fingers and nodded seriously at him. Noah opened his mouth to protest but she shook her head before he could get anything out. "No, Noah. We'll be having dinner in a couple hours. Two treats. Are you listening or do I need to come down and tell Will myself?"

He pouted but shook his head and headed down to the basement where the men were camped out, presumably watching a hockey game.

May looked at the other woman apologetically after Noah had left the room. "Oh, Olivia, I'm sorry. It just popped out."

She went back to stacking up the small plates. She felt a little segregated in some sort of strange gender-role ritual - stuck in the kitchen helping with the tidy-up from the party while Will and her son got to watch Saturday afternoon sports with Ted. But that tended to be how things rolled in the McTeague household – add it to the list of reasons that she generally preferred to keep the visits to no more than once a month and ensure they were short-and-sweet.

"It's fine, May. Don't worry about it," she told Will's mother.

"It's just how we see Will interacting with him and …"

"May, please, don't worry about it," Liv said again. "Really, it's fine."

May nodded and started transferring more of the leftovers to containers to put in the fridge. But Olivia knew May McTeague didn't excel at dropping a subject.

"Will just really is a good father to that boy, though, isn't he?" She blurted out.

Olivia sighed and looked at her. Will's mother drove her a little crazy. May was a nice enough woman, though, and Olivia really forced herself to try to be nice back. For Will's sake - and to try to not seem unappreciative of the things that Will's parents had done for her and Noah in welcoming them into their home. Even if that welcoming at times had been rather suffocating and overbearing. She thanked God that Will had no interest in moving back to Staten Island to be closer to them. That likely would've been the absolute deal-breaker for Olivia. At least she knew that his family drove him just as insane as they did her – if not more so. He had endured almost 40 years of putting up with them.

"May, you son is an excellent father to Noah. I know that. Will knows that I know that. We all know that. Noah does think of Will as his daddy. You verbalizing that won't have scarred him or even phased him – and it certainly didn't upset me. I don't think Noah even noticed you said it. It's really fine," Olivia said carefully – hoping that was enough for the matter to be closed.

"But you don't let Noah call him daddy?" May inquired – clearly it was something she'd been waiting for the opportunity to ask for ages.

"Noah can call Will whatever he likes,' she said. "He's never shown any interest in calling your son anything beyond Will."

"But maybe if you tell him that he's allowed to call Will 'daddy'?" She suggested.

Olivia sighed. "Maybe." She figured her half-way agreement for some future discussion she didn't really intent to have might actually shut the book on the topic.

May smiled at her. "Oh, I think Will would really like that."

Olivia allowed a, "Maybe," again. She wasn't really sure that Will cared either way – at least not that he'd ever expressed to her. But maybe he would. Maybe she should ask him if he did care.

Part of her said Will was too practical to get hung-up on platitudes. But Will also tended to be a little more emotional and sentimental then her, even if he tried to hide it. She knew it definitely pissed him off that Kurt was legally defined as Noah's "father" at the moment – but he'd never said that he wanted the title of "daddy" either. Though, she'd made sure to assure him repeatedly that she did see him filling that role for her son. He didn't father her son but he was without a doubt his daddy. She didn't have any intention of robbing that from him or Noah.

Did it really need to be marked with him being referred to as "daddy" on a daily basis by her or Noah? She didn't think so. But at the same time, she knew she'd be devastated if she didn't get to hear her boy light up and call her "Mommy" each day. She already knew she'd be a little sad when "Mommy" was official phased out and she was just plain old "Mom." She already saw it happening little by little as Noah got older, and especially now that he was exposed to more kids and their paradigms.

May continued puttering away but then turned to her and said, "Will hasn't told us if you three will be over for Easter yet."

Now Olivia tried not to roll her eyes. Going downstairs and watching the hockey match was seeming pretty appealing at this point. She usually did her best to avoid discussions about their attendance at any of Will's family events. She figured it was definitely his job to make up the apologies and excuses in that area. The longer they were together though and the more glaringly obvious it became to them that Olivia didn't have family of her own that they would be spending time with – the more difficult it was to bail out without it coming off as though Will and her really just didn't like spending holidays with them. Which was actually the truth – but how do you express that to a family that you aren't completely estranged from, especially when it's a family that seems to thrive off of the giant, chaotic, rowdy, glutinous, inebriated gatherings, and just really doesn't get where you're coming from at all.

"Umm, well, Noah has treatment next week and we tend to see the effects of that in the few days after he's finished so we were really just kind of leaving the weekend open to see how he is," she said. It was the truth – and she thought it sounded good enough to dodge having to go out to Staten Island two weekends in a row.

"Oh, well, our church's youth group does this lovely Passion play and the Stations of the Cross on Good Friday – and we're taking the other grandchild and I just thought it might be lovely if Noah could come with us all as well."

At that point Olivia was about ready to call Will had have him come up and redirect his mother's attention elsewhere – pretty much anywhere else.

But instead she said, "May, you know I'm not Catholic and I'm not raising Noah in the church."

"Well, I just thought maybe it might be a good thing for him to participate in and be exposed to," she said. "Maybe Will…"

"May, you know, Will isn't practicing anymore too."

May looked down. "Well, he usually still attends Good Friday mass and Easter Sunday services with us all," she sighed.

Olivia shook her head. "May, we've got our own family plans for the weekend. He's not going to be coming back and forth to the Island for mass."

Will had bailed out of attending Midnight Mass with them for the first time just at Christmas. It had pretty much devastated May. The fact that Will had only partially attended the three-days of never-ending family functions that spanned from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day had only made matters worse over the holidays. Olivia hadn't really considered they were going to be having a repeat of that fall-out at Easter. Easter had always been such a non-event for her and she really hadn't made it much of an event in Noah's life either – beyond him getting a little chocolate.

"What will you be doing for the weekend then?" May asked, clearly somewhat hurt.

"Well, like I said, it's going to depend on how Noah is doing. But the Children's Museum near us is having some special activities and we've talked about taking him over there one of the afternoons if he's up to it. And, he wants to see The Lorax, so we've been thinking about an afternoon out at the movies too. We haven't done that in a long, long time. Other than that we'll likely just do our usual weekend activities – brunch, the park, the book store or comic store, maybe a craft. We'll keep it simple, routine and quiet for him. He usually needs that after he's been in for chemo, May."

She nodded quietly but still seemed hurt.

"We'll have a basket for him, though. If you do decide to come over – and the brunch on the Sunday," she said. "Maybe you could do your brunch with us instead of your one out in the city?" She suggested.

Olivia sighed. "I'll mention it to Will."

"Oh, thank you," May said. "I'd appreciate that. If you are willing to come, he'd be more ready to, you know?"

Olivia did know that. But it wasn't just Will who was hesitant to go. It was her too. Family gatherings with the McTeagues were exhausting enough – one that was riddled with religious reasonings sounded even more tiresome, even if it just involved eating some ham and eggs at brunch. She doubted that they'd be able to make it just brunch either. A couple hour visit never seemed to happen with his parents' – it always ended up being the better part of an afternoon and by the time they added in their transit time, their whole day was gone and her and Will were usually frustrated, grouchy and mentally exhausted by the time they got home. It wasn't at the top of her list of ways to spend a Sunday – let they all endured it once a month. For Noah – she told herself again. It's nice that he gets grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins – even if they weren't blood. It was good for the family to be willing to play that role for her son. So she reminded herself again to be patient, tolerant and appreciative.

"I'll talk to him, May," she said again.

The older woman smiled. "Oh, good. It would be so nice to have all the boys and their families here."

The woman excelled at guilt trips, Liv thought. It was one of Will's complaints about growing up with his mother too – and still dealing with her. But what could she do. Patience, she reminded herself again. Patience – Will's worth it, right? She thought.


	80. Chapter 80

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia brought a glass of juice back to the living room and handed it to the young woman – before claiming the opposite end of the couch and tucking her one leg under her. The girl stuck in her living room looked so unsure about having been left there.

"You know, I'm sure they would've been OK with you tagging along," she told Christie again.

She took a sip of the orange juice and nodded. "I know. I just don't know how interesting it would be for me to see a math lab and some data in a spreadsheet."

Olivia nodded. She understood. "I just feel badly. We aren't that exciting here. Maybe after Noah gets up, if he's doing OK, I can at least take you over to see the park or something."

The day before out on Staten Island had taken a lot out of her son and he'd been fussy most of the day and complaining about feeling aches. She'd finally managed to get him to lay down – but not before he'd whined in front of their guests and been clingy about the lack of attention he was getting from Will that afternoon. She actually wasn't even sure Will had noticed any of it – despite Noah bringing Lego over to him and repeatedly handing him the iPad to beat an Angry Bird level for him.

Will had been beyond engaged listening to his nephew talk about his graduate work at Berkeley. Olivia thought she was about as bored as Noah was as they sat around the dining room table. Nuclear engineering was flying over her head even more than Will's math-speak. At least she'd gotten used to Will's babble enough that she could at least follow some of it - which courses he was talking about or what projects he was working on. She could ask some general questions when he was yakking and kept up enough with what he was saying that she had a reasonable understanding of at least the general foundations of some of his major areas of research. But all she was getting out of the excited chatter between Will and Jimmy was he seemed to have some sort of interest in fission reactor analytics and radiological physics. If she hadn't spent so much time in the pediatric oncology unit that probably wouldn't have meant anything to her. At least with Noah's cancer adventures, she was able to deduce they were having some sort of discussion about medical isotopes. That's where her ability to understand any of it ended, though.

Jimmy's girlfriend had looked about as enamored with it as Olivia felt. Christie had almost seemed relieved when Will had proposed taking the young man down to his office to show him some project he'd been working on there. Olivia wasn't overly upset to see them take off either – her head was starting to hurt from listening to them and listening to Noah's whining and attention-getting attempts. After an initial fatigue-ridden meltdown about Will not taking him too, Noah had settled down quickly in his room and within one story, he was passed out. Olivia was hoping he'd stay that way at least for an hour and awoke a happier little boy.

"Oh, it's me who feels badly," Christie apologized. "I'm sure you have better things to be doing with your Sunday than having us over."

Olivia gave her a small smile and shook her head. "No, it's OK. We are usually pretty boring. Sundays are quiet for us."

She didn't want to say that she actually would've really preferred to have the day to herself. She really hadn't had much of a weekend at all – and knew that she'd likely be feeling that deprivation all week. She was feeling the fatigue of the lack-of downtime already.

Will had dragged her to his donor reception on Friday night. She hadn't much wanted to go but it wasn't that horrible. Though she hoped it didn't count as that month's date night. She thought that would be a bit of a rip off – even though she did get some fancy hors d'oeuvres and champagne out of it. Beyond that, it had been a bit of a snore-fest for her.

Will had to talk to some new potential donors about his upcoming research and kiss the asses of some current donors to try to guarantee their dollars kept flowing into the university. She'd wandered with him listening for a while but had eventually retreated to a corner with a bunch of other spouses that looked about as bored as she did. One woman was married to one of the math freaks but also work in another departments at the university and had said that the math reception made the made the ones the humanities threw look like the Fourth of July.

Olivia had walked away from it really hoping this wasn't going to be something that she was going to be excepted to tag-along to four times a year. It had almost been enough for her to wish her phone would buzz calling her out to a crime scene – even if it meant enduring the teasing of showing up in her fancy-dress and canvassing the scene in heels. She had actually considered texting Elliot and getting him to stage some sort of fake "need you here" bail-out call.

Really the only redeeming aspect of the evening had been the short hand-in-hand walk her and Will had taken after the reception and the nightcap he'd bought her before flagging a taxi for them to head home and relieve the sitter. At least they got some alone time and grown-up chit-chat outside of the house, which didn't happen often. The glee of that was somewhat tempered by arriving home to Noah having not settled for the night yet, though.

Saturday had proven just as un-relaxing for Olivia. She'd agreed to attend Christie's baby shower – seeing it as the kind of gathering that would likely be supremely rude to turn down going to, especially when it was Rob and Karen's first grandchild. But it did mean getting out to Staten Island – an hour and a half affair at the best of times - and it also meant spending an extended period of time with the women from Will's family. Some days she wasn't sure if it was the women who had married into his family or the men passing along the bloodlines that aggravated her more.

And, baby showers just really weren't her thing anyways. She'd even managed to avoid an actual shower with Noah. Well, at least one that included a room occupied by too many vaginas and strange diaper and ribbon hats and even more ridiculous games - and all sorts of pinks and blues and other stuff that didn't appeal to her harden detective senses.

She hadn't managed to escape some celebration of her pending baby completely, though. The guys had staged a little gathering – in the fucking interrogation room. But she'd snagged some extremely practical gifts out of it – like a kick-ass stroller that she suspected Kathy and Elliot had a lot of say in what was appropriate for trucking a kid around in the city, gift certificates so she could pick out some of her own damn stuff she needed for the baby and about half-a-year's supply of diapers. Even better - she hadn't had to ooh-and-ahh over tiny little baby socks and cutesy little outfits – beyond the mandatory NYPD onesies.

She actually thought the guys might've just used the whole "shower" as an excuse to have cake in the office. They'd seemed really proud of themselves about the cake – and the fact that they'd thought to get blue icing. Her opinion was that the Smurf look basically made the thing inedible – at least to her, and she wasn't exactly being a picky eater while she was pregnant. But there weren't any leftovers by the end of the afternoon – so their palettes clearly hadn't seemed to mind as much as hers. Either way, she'd come away from it having decided that men may be much better at organizing a shower than women might think.

On the other hand, the shower that Karen had organized for Christie looked like something pulled out of Women's World magazine – complete with a towering diaper cake. All Olivia knew was that she ended up playing pin the sperm on the egg and a purse scavenger hunt, which she lost from the get-go. She rarely carried a purse with her anyways with her habits as a detective – and she definitely hadn't brought one with her when she was just walking over to Rob and Karen's from Will's parents' place next door. The whole thing was definitely not her definition of a fun-filled Saturday afternoon.

But she'd felt bad for Christie. The girl clearly hadn't met any of the women in the room beyond Karen – and she got the sense even then it had only been a handful of meetings. It was a kind gesture by Karen – but the kid looked out of her element and shy. She doubted that a shower organized by the 40-something mother of her boyfriend exactly mirrored what her 20-something friends would be throwing her back home. And it likely wasn't the ideal introduction to the craziness of the McTeague family. Olivia had thought her introduction to them at a typical Sunday family cook-out had been a little overwhelming – and that wasn't even a special event for the close-knit family. She could only imagine what it would be like to be a 25-year-old kid and thrown into the middle of a McTeague gathering while you're already feeling a little shy and awkward around them about the pregnancy.

By the time her and Will had managed to escape his parents later in the evening it had been decided that Jimmy and Christie would come over to their place for Sunday afternoon. Olivia had still felt for the girl – and in the couple times she had met Jimmy, he'd seemed like a nice kid and about the only person in Will's family that he seemed to have any sort of really soft spot for – so she hadn't protested at giving up the final day of their weekend to host company too. Though, as the clock ticked closer to Monday morning work time, she was kind of regretting that decision. She was trying her best to not let that on – as much as she kind of wanted to go upstairs and lay in their bed in the afternoon sun while Noah was down for his nap and get some of her own quiet time and reading in.

"James really wanted to get to spend some time with Will," Christie said. "He said so many times before the trip that Will's the most normal person in the family."

Olivia had to laugh at that. She definitely subscribed to that theory in a lot of ways – though Will was pretty far from normal. But she also knew that Will felt like he was the black sheep of the family – and he also definitely was that. But based on the animated conversation she'd seen between Will and Jimmy, she could she how Jimmy would end up relating to Will more than some of the other McTeagues.

"I suppose that depends on the definition of normal," she told Christie. "But, yes, interfacing with some of the McTeagues can be challenging at times."

"They all seem very nice," Christie said. "They just seem …"

"Like Irish, Catholic, firemen living in their element on Staten Island," Olivia filled in for her, since she could tell she was reluctant to give it any sort of potentially derogatory label. "They fit the stereotype well."

"It's just so different from what I grew up with. It was just me and my sister and my parents were divorced and neither of them had these massive extended families. We mostly just had each other."

"Well, the McTeagues and their family functions take a while to get used to," Olivia said. "But it kind of gets easier."

"James' parents seem really nice, though," Christie offered.

Liv nodded. "Karen and Rob are good people," she agreed. "You hadn't met them before your trip?"

"Umm, twice before while they were out visiting James – but we weren't really dating at the time."

Olivia had definitely picked up from Jimmy and Christie's interactions that they weren't necessarily considering marrying and raising the baby together. She wasn't even really getting a vibe of any sort of deep commitment. But she was keeping her mouth shut on it – figuring it wasn't any of her business. Though, she suspected that it would eventually create some sort of friction in the family – more so then just the stigma of a child being born out of wedlock. She figured after the shit did hit the fan Jimmy wouldn't be coming home for Christmas – or any other family functions - for a while.

"This is your first time out to New York then?" Liv asked and the girl nodded. "Have you two managed to get out to see much of the city?"

She shrugged. "A little, I guess. James has mostly been showing me places around Staten Island from when he was growing up, I guess. We looked around the Lincoln Centre too, though, the other day. And then we went to Times Square that night and saw a show on Broadway. I couldn't believe all the lights and people."

Olivia gave her a small smile at that. The girl did seem very small town and out of her element.

"I couldn't imagine living in New York or raising a child here," she added.

"Oh, it's not so bad," Olivia offered. "The city actually has become really family-friendly. There's lots to do as a family and to keep the kids entertained."

"I just can't imagine not having a yard or not being able to play outside. We saw kids that couldn't have been more than about 11 or 12 on the subway by themselves."

Olivia smiled again and looked down. "Well, I guess it would be a little different from growing up in the suburbs. Where did you grow up?"

"Just Walnut Creek. It's kind of a suburb of Oakland. But Oakland or even San Franciso – it's nothing like this," the girl said but then must've felt like she'd said something wrong. "But your home is really nice."

Liv snorted a little. "Well, we really like it. But I can see how it might seem a little cozy compared to what you're used to. We do have the parks on either side of us, though. It's kind of like a massive backyard for Noah."

"Have you always lived in the city?"

She nodded. "Yep. New York is my home."

"That must've been so different. Even just seeing Staten Island – that's so different from here."

"Well, every Borro – really every community, is different. This area, the Upper West Side, this is really kind of just an upper-middle-class family community anymore – at least this area of it. Some other areas around here are definitely a little more ritzy."

"Yeah, you always hear horror stories about having to pay a small fortune to live in a shoebox in New York City so I about died when we walked up to here," she said.

Olivia laughed. "Well, I don't tell you what our rent is – but we definitely pay enough. But it's much nicer than the apartments we had, which weren't cheap either."

"Have you and Will lived here long?"

She shook her head. "No. We just moved in in December – but barring disaster, I think we'll be staying put for a while. We've been really happy with it. The location and the space – though it might not look like much compared to what you're used to."

"Oh, it's still bigger than anything James and I could afford back home. We're still trying to find something reasonable - that's a two-bedroom, so we can have a nursery. It will be easier after he finishes his degree and hopefully gets a job."

"Does he have any prospects?"

She nodded. "Oh, yeah, he has a couple offers. He's really lucky that way. But they are in the private sector and he seems to want to work in a hospital."

"I wasn't picking up on everything the two of them were chatting about – but I think we've encountered some people with similar backgrounds to what he's doing when we've been at the hospital with Noah."

"Likely. Hospitals usually have staff who have a nuclear physics or engineering background doing some work in their radiology departments, I think. But I don't understand what he does half the time either."

"What is it that you do, Christie?"

"Oh, I'm not some sort of brilliant mind like, James. I just studied music. I thought I'd be able to get a job with the symphony or some other ensemble – but I guess I was a little naïve. I just am a barista at this little organic coffee shoppe – bringing in the big bucks. I volunteer with the symphony, though. Maybe I'll be able to get a job in some capacity there eventually – but probably not performing."

Liv gave her a small smile. "What do you play?"

"The cello."

"Wow."

The young woman nodded.

"Not as interesting as your job, though," she said.

Olivia laughed. "My job is likely more grotesque most days than it is interesting."

"You guys are just like the kind of New York you see on the television or movies," she said. "Living in a townhouse near the park and being a police officer and working at NYU and riding the subway and the cafes and Times Square and the Empire State building. Just all of."

Olivia smiled a bit. "It's really not quite as gritty or romantic as it sounds. And this may look like a brownstone - but we're really just living in another apartment in a triplex, as nice as it is. I've never been up the Empire State building and I really couldn't even tell you the last time we've been down to Times Square."

"I guess it's a bit of a tourist trap," she said.

"Well, anymore it is. They've really cleaned it up a lot over the last 15 years or so."

"It's so funny to think James technically grew up in New York City. He's just so not this place. He really fits into the culture out at Berkeley. I understand more why he wants to stay out there now."

"How long have you two been together?" Olivia asked, starting to stick her nose into it, though she wasn't really intending to do anything with whatever information she gathered.

The girl shrugged. "I guess not long really. I mean, I've known James since we were freshmen. We were in the same dorm building – and a group of us all ended up renting a house together. So we've been friends and roommates for years. But, you know, things just happened. But he's a really good guy," she added quickly.

Olivia just nodded.

"What about you guys?" The young woman asked. "I mean, I know you aren't married – and the rest of the family just seems so religious and stuff."

Olivia gave the girl a small smile. "Oh, me and Will are complicated too. But we've been friends for about four years."

"But you aren't together?" Christie asked almost shocked.

"We are now," Olivia clarified. "We've been officially together for about a year now."

"And they don't bug you guys about that?" She asked. "About getting married or about you living together?"

Olivia repressed a laugh again. "Well, I guess, maybe we're at a point in our lives that we don't really care what Will's family thinks and are happy to do what we think is best for our family. But – yes – they do put in their two cents in when they get a chance. More so with Will than with me."

She sighed. "I don't think James really knows how to stand up to them yet."

Liv smiled. "I think it took Will a long time to figure it out too. It will work itself out, though. They might be a little pushy and overbearing – but they do mean well most of the time."

The girl nodded. "At least we'll have the whole country between us," she said.

Liv laughed. "There are some days I wish we had that too."


	81. Chapter 81

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She set her tea on the dining room table kitty-corner to him and put another in front of him before stepping behind him and pressing her thumbs into the knot between his shoulder blades a couple times. He leaned back into the massage and glanced up at her, giving her a small smile, before taking her left hand and lifting it to his mouth for a small kiss. She smiled and placed her own kiss on the top of his head before moving back to where she'd set down her mug and sat down.

She looked at him and gave him a weak smile. "Hey," she said.

He'd already looked back down to his work but glanced up at her from his downcast positioning and returned the smile.

She'd gotten home late – and they really hadn't even acknowledged each other yet. It was proving to be a rough and busy week for both of them. It was really made worse by the fact it was one of Noah's IV treatment weeks, where they were having to take him into the hospital for the chemo. They were both slammed at work and were struggling with taking the time-off that week to focus on Noah's appointments. It had meant that dealing with them had turned into an elaborate shuffling puzzle, which she felt horrible about doing to Noah. It was something she tried to avoid doing even on days he was doing OK - to do it on chemo days just made her feel like about the crappiest mother on Earth. Thankfully Noah hadn't seemed too phased by it and was holding his own. But she knew the shit-storm of side effects would likely start hitting within the next day or so and they'd all be bowled over with making him comfortable during that.

She'd taken Noah into the hospital that morning but had handed him off to Will at the university so she could put some hours in at work in the afternoon. Will had had to take him to one of his lectures before he was able to skip out of the office and get the kid home. She got the sense on coming in the door that it had been a long afternoon and evening. Will's patience seemed like it was wearing thin and the fatigue of the treatment had clearly caught up to Noah at that point but the aches and nausea had meant he wasn't yet settling down for the night – opting instead to be cranky and stand-off-ish.

She'd come in the door around 7:30 to hear Will down in the playroom basically trying to negotiate with Noah to come upstairs and start getting ready for bed. She'd gone downstairs and found the room looking like a tornado had gone through it and Noah sprawled out on the couch near tears with his own frustration at how he was feeling, beating his bare feet onto the couch cushions with each plea from Will but defiantly saying "no" and refusing to budge – pushing and kicking when Will tried to kick him up and carry him to a forced bedtime routine. Already exhausted from her own crappy day at work – she'd still taken over, sending Will upstairs to calm down, knowing that he'd be beating himself up if he did end up losing his temper with Noah on a treatment day.

She'd cuddled with her son on the couch for a good half-an-hour, calming him down and letting him watch a little more TV before managing to coax him up for a bath. He'd actually let her help him – a sure sign he wasn't feeling well. She'd poured warm water down his back for him and carefully helped him wash his fragile little bit of hair. He finally started to seem to calm a bit. He'd even protested when she got up to leave alone to a few minutes of tub playtime. So she'd lowered herself back to the ground next to the tub – already having more than soaked her shirt with his tears from earlier and his splashing around. She'd taken on the role of the Hot Wheel getaway cars that Noah and his washcloth puppet dinosaur were intent on going all Godzilla on. When he finally indicated he was ready to get out, she'd wrapped him in a towel and carried him to his bedroom to get into his PJs. He'd still sulked a bit in his room – wanting cuddles and hugs and kisses and not wanting her to leave. They'd gone through three picture books and were working on a chapter of Prince Caspian, when his eyes had finally started to flutter shut.

By the time she'd switched out his light and pulled the door half-ways shut – it was almost 9:30. The never-ending bedtime, she'd thought, and could only hope he was settled enough he'd sleep at least a few hours.

She'd managed to get him to pee before his bath and again after he'd brushed his teeth. But she knew how much fluid they pumped into him on IV days and expected he'd be up needing a change of sheets and pajamas within the next few hours. She again wished they or his doctors or his nurses or his social worker – or someone – could just convince him to put on the GoodNights. But she'd accepted the tearful and agitated battle getting her 'big boy' to put on 'diapers' caused really was more disruptive to their evenings and lives than it was having to change the sheets.

Really getting up to change the sheets and tossing the soiled ones into the laundry machine had become so routine for them that she didn't even think her or Will were truly awake when they did it anymore. It was a zombie-like state that sometimes the only indication in the morning to make them remember that they had gotten up to help Noah was the washed sheets waiting to be transferred to the dryer. They'd gotten Noah trained enough that he'd come and wake them but he'd the go and change his own PJs and put the wet ones in the washer himself as they made up the bed for him.

Will had been camped out at the dining room table when she did finally get Noah put down. He had work spread out over the entire table and had barely glanced at her. He hadn't said more than five sentences to her since she had got home. She knew he wasn't upset with her. He was just frazzled and in work-mode.

One of his TAs had basically dropped out. Will was trying to convince the kid that with little more than six weeks left of the semester, and him being so close to having his degree, it wasn't worth tossing the term away. But the senior was struggling emotionally and mentally. It sounded to her like it was mostly the kid getting overwhelmed with the reality that his undergrad was about to be over and he didn't have a clue what he was supposed to be doing with his life when he got tossed out into the cruel real world. The student didn't have a job lined up, like most grads the prospects didn't look good, and he hadn't applied to grad school. So rather than deal with that – he was going to impose a lost semester on himself and delay getting his degree – coming back for another year and racking up more debt. And, in the interim, adding to Will's already bludgeoning workload.

Since the kid hadn't officially dropped out – he was just shooting for failing grades and had stopped coming in to perform his TA duties – Will hadn't been able to hire a kid to replace him yet. Not that he really had the time to shuffle through the resumes of previous applicants and do interviews to pick out a replacement anyways. So instead, he'd been stuck picking up the slack – marking the in-class quizzes he insisted on giving at the beginning of each lecture to see how his students' problem solving skills worked without all their computer applications and if they were understanding any of what he was saying. As well, he had the piles of weekly homework projects that flowed into the university's assignment platform. All the while, he was dedicating time to trying to convince the drop-out wannabe to not be such a douche. He was a senior – it was time to grow up.

"How's it going?" She asked him.

He shook his head and looked up from the quiz he was looking over. "This group of kids just don't get it," he said. It was an intro course he'd been stuck with and it was filled mostly with students from other disciplines that required a math credit for their degrees. He didn't like teaching those kinds of courses – most of the students didn't want to be there and their skills just weren't up to par. It also meant what he was teaching was so simplistic for him – it was just boring. "I'm going to have to go over this section again with them."

She nodded. Will had always impressed her with his dedication to his students and his teaching. He really strived to make sure the student got the one-on-one attention they needed and were given the tools to succeed – no matter how big one of his classes was. It didn't matter if it was a 200-student first-year class or one of his 20-student upper-year or grad seminars. He put the same amount of time and effort into it and would bend over backwards to make sure a kid met their goals – if they were willing to put in the work.

She thought Will's habits weren't something you normally see in university professors, who were often more interested in their research. Will was definitely passionately interested in his research too, though. He was becoming rather sought after expert for his research into the applications of game theory, especially among some of the cut-throat E-commerce and social networking companies. He had been getting a lot of speaking and consult requests – many of which he'd turned down, unless they were in the city. He'd also already had three articles published that year – basically one a month, which was pretty much unheard of. At least it looked good on him in convincing the university that they'd made the right choice in bumping him up to a full professor. She'd gotten the sense they'd been hesitant on that decision – though had been compiled to do so given the amount of time and work he'd contributed to the university. But Will had missed a lot of work over the course of the previous year with Noah being sick and that had meant a reduced output from him. He seemed to be more than making up for it right now, though. But despite his success in the research realm, Olivia knew his real passion lay with the actual teaching and his students.

Will maintained that it didn't matter how big the university was or how big any of his classes where – and it didn't matter that he taught mathematics – he didn't want any of his kids to feel like just a number or a tuition dollar figure for the school.

"Is there much more you're going to try to get done tonight?" She asked him.

"Mmm," he almost groaned. He thumbed through the pile of papers in front of him. "Well, I've got four more of theses – and I still haven't looked over my notes for my lecture tomorrow. Then, there's all these emails flying around about this faculty meeting we have tomorrow too." He clicked something on his computer while he said it, she assumed another one of the emails, and audibly sighed. "I guess I should get in on the chain too. Interject my opinion or something."

She gave him another weak smile. The truth was it had been a really shitty afternoon at work. She'd spent it in an interrogation room trying to crack a teenaged kid who was the ring-leader in a group of older boys that had basically become predators on a high school swim team. It sounded like what had started out as some sort of disgusting hazing ritual had evolved into a masturbation club that eventually preyed on the freshmen swimmers joining the team. It was a web of teenaged lies and deceit - and young men embarrassed about their hormones and sexuality and confuse about what had even happened to them.

It had been a tough case to work anyways. Tougher still in that teenaged boys – victims and perps – didn't much want to talk to a female detective. Elliot had ended up dealing with most of the victims but she'd taken on the lead role in playing the one perp's little game in the interrogation room.

The kid was going to be a deceitful creep his whole life, even if they did get a conviction. She could already see that kind of kid re-offending when he got out – and re-offending and re-offending. She knew she'd be seeing his name again and hated to think about what he'd do to future victims as he got older and became a more experienced predator.

But even now the reality was evidence they had – when dealing with high school bathrooms, chlorinated pools, heavily bleached locker rooms and gym showers – had been challenging. They didn't have a lot of physical evidence. They were really mostly depending on he said-he said testimony. The kid knew it – and his parents had seemed to have the wool-pulled in front of their eyes too – much like the school and the negligent coaching staff, who had let it happen on their watch.

The kid was such a player and talker, his parents had even sat there and let him play his little game with her for nearly four hours before they'd decided to get a lawyer. And, even with all the time she'd had with him she really hadn't gotten anything useful out of him – let alone a confession.

The week wasn't going to get any better either. She was feeling a little overloaded – like Cragen was dropping extra crap on her to see if she could manage to keep afloat. She didn't think he was trying to sink her – some of it had been pretty easy lobs. But still – it was busy. And, she had the psych eval coming up too and it was weighing heavily on her.

She felt a little pathetic admitting it – needy and clingy – but she really just wanted some quiet time with Will at that point that night. She also hated to admit that over their four years of friendship she'd become used to having his ear and his shoulder to lean on after a crappy day. Over the past year, she'd also really come to crave his warmth and touch on a shitty day. It wasn't even that she wanted to talk about it. She just liked knowing he was there. She wasn't sure she wanted to admit that to herself either.

She sighed – and he glanced at her again. "You OK?" He asked but he'd still barely looked at her.

"Yeah, it's just a long week – really long day."

He nodded. "Yeah, I hear ya." He hadn't even looked up at that comment.

"Will," she said cautiously. He made a listening sound even though he didn't meet her eyes. "I could use some you-time tonight."

He looked up at that and raised a bit of a questioning eyebrow.

"Crappy day," she said. "A hug would be nice." She felt ridiculous even saying it but he smiled and reached out to take her hand from where it was resting on the table.

"Right now?" He asked.

She nodded, feeling stupid but he stood up and opened his arms for her and she joined him and stepped into them. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and she just buried her cheek and nose into his shoulder – taking in his scent and his warmth. He rubbed her back a bit and placed a couple kisses on her one temple. After several minutes, she loosened her grip and he also let go and returned to his seated position, with her rejoining him at the table too.

"Your shirt's all wet," he commented, fingering at his own a bit too, which now also had some damp spots on it.

"Noah," was all she said and he just nodded.

He tapped his red pen on top of the quizzes he was marking but said, "You know what I realized today?"

She shook her head.

"I think we're going to have to go out and get him a glove and bat now – for Easter, not his birthday."

She laughed. Such a random comment but he was right.

"Yeah, probably should get on that," she agreed.

He gave her another smile and looked back down at the stack of papers again.

"I think I'm going to go upstairs and draw a bath," she said. "Will you take a break and join me?"

He looked up at her and she could tell he was tempted but he sighed. "Liv," he started.

She shook her head. "It's OK."

"I'm sorry," he sighed again.

She gave him another weak smile. "It's really OK." She got up and gave him a small kiss on the forehead. "I'll see you when you come up to bed."

He nodded. "Hopefully you'll be asleep by then, I'm going to be a while."

She squeezed his shoulder. "Don't stay up all night," she told him.

"I'll try not to."


	82. Chapter 82

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You OK over there?" Elliot asked.

Olivia hadn't said a word since they'd gotten back in the sedan for the drive back to the precinct. She'd just been staring out the window and fiddling with her necklace.

She glanced at him and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, sorry," she said.

"Deep thoughts?" He asked.

She shrugged. "I was thinking about Noah."

He nodded. He pretty much figured she spent most of her time thinking about Noah anymore. Hell, he thought about his kids constantly too – and some cases just made you think about them more than others. He couldn't imagine how much that stress and worry and association would increase if you added your kid's health to the thought-process too.

"He doing OK?" He inquired. He knew she'd had him into the hospital that week.

"His counts are way, way down right now. It's normal during his IV treatments. They'll come back up. Just means we have to be more careful about infections. I'm just running stuff through my head about it."

"He won't have to be hospitalized will he?"

She shrugged. "I hope not. He's just been really cranky and he's had some temperature spikes. I'm just hoping he hasn't picked up something – then we might end up in the hospital. There's so many colds and flus at the fucking school right now. We have him home this week – will until his counts go back up, at least."

"Hope he's OK," Elliot said.

She gave him a small smile and went back to looking out the window and fiddling with the necklace again.

It was a different necklace than she usually wore. She'd had it on since she'd gotten back from her leave. It was hard not to notice it – she had a bad habit of fiddling with her jewelry when she was lost in thought or nervous. It was basically her worry spot. He didn't think she realized how much she did it or what a tell it actually was. He suspected if she did, she likely wouldn't wear any of it.

He'd been wanting to say something about the glaring new item – but hadn't really known how to broach the topic without her jumping down his throat. He wasn't an expert in jewelry – but he was fairly certain that it was a different pendant than usual that she had on around her neck – and on a men's chain, not the fine one she generally had on. It wasn't really that that had caught his attention, though. It was the ring she had on the chain with it. He was sure everyone else in the squad had noticed at this point too – still they'd all kept their mouths shut as well. But he and Liv were alone right now – and she seemed to have some of her walls down.

"That's new," he said carefully.

She'd glanced over at him from the passenger's seat again. A question was written across her face.

He kind of jutted his chin towards he neckline, where she hand was still restlessly twisting at the items on the chain. She'd glanced down and out of the corner of his eye, he saw that she drew the ring into her palm out of sight.

She looked back out the window.

"Oh, yeah," she said. "It's Will's. Noah had wanted him in the MRI room with him there a while ago and he had to take it off. Guess I just got used to wearing it."

She purposely left out the fact that the MRI had been nearly two weeks ago now – and she'd knowingly not returned the chain Will had handed off to her to hold on for him. She also left out the bit of information that the next morning after her shower she'd stood in front of her dresser drawer where she'd placed the engagement ring from Will for a good 20 minutes. She'd looked at the ring still in its box before carefully taking it out for the first time and examining it more closely. She'd then taken the chain off her neck, slipped the ring onto it and put it back on.

She'd consciously been wearing shirts that weren't quite as low cut and purposely buttoning up the upper buttons on her blouses – tucking the necklace out of sight. But she'd known that it had likely been noticed and it was only a matter of time before someone mentioned it or asked about it.

Will had definitely noticed but had remained mute on the matter. Still, as they'd been laying on the couch together watching television, his hand had found its way to it and he'd laid against her, moving it up back and forth on the chain, silently watching the evening news. There'd been a couple nights in bed together too that as he kissed down her chest he'd stop and place some special attention where the ring was resting against her.

She appreciated that he wasn't bugging her about it. She suspected that he appreciated that she'd at least taken it out of the box. Really he had probably taken her cautious movement of the ring to her neck as all the answer he needed – even though she still wasn't ready to verbalize that answer yet and still wasn't really sure when she was going to be. But she liked having a piece of him with her.

Still, she should've known that it would be Elliot that would be the first to actually broach the topic. He didn't excel at off-limits – especially when it was her personal life. It made her hate him and love him a bit more. But it always made her want to punch him in the face.

She held the pendant towards him a bit. "I think he said it's St. Jude."

Elliot nodded. "Patron saint of lost causes. Appropriate. But I meant the ring."

She just nodded and at that point did tuck the necklace back under her shirt and forced her hand to come to a rest along the small ledge of the window.

"Pick that up on your vacation?" He asked now.

"More or less," she said. She was looking out the window again.

"Looks pretty fancy," he added.

She shrugged a bit.

"Why's it on the necklace and not your finger?" Elliot said.

"Because I haven't given him an answer yet," she said flatly, still gazing outside, but knowing Elliot wasn't stupid and knew exactly what the ring was and there wasn't much point in dancing around it more.

Elliot laughed and she shot him a look.

"Olivia, you're … wow … a piece of work," he said. She glared at him a bit but went back to looking out her side of the car. "Well, you've got to give the guy points for patience."

She didn't say anything – though, her mind automatically thought of the engraving, "Love is patient".

"How long you going to make him wait?" Elliot asked.

She shrugged. "Until I'm ready to say yes."

"When's that going to be?"

She sighed. "Elliot …"

He shrugged. "Just asking."

"I don't know," she said, "when I'm ready."

"What big question is he leaving unanswered that you aren't ready?" He asked.

She shrugged and shook her head. "It's not him, El. It's just me."

Elliot examined her as they came to a stoplight. She wasn't making eye contact – still fascinated with the everyday scene out the window.

"Look, I know I've given you a lot of flak about Will," he said. "But he really does seem like a good guy …"

"He is a great guy," she said.

Elliot nodded. "And, you deserve that – and deserve to be happy. This sort of stuff – it's never going to be perfect. But you've got to make the best of what you've got while you've got it. It's not just him you're making wait, Liv. All I've got to say on the matter."

She snorted and shot him a look. They both knew he had a lot more self-proclaimed wisdom on the matter. But at least he was holding his tongue – for the moment.

"Won't bug you about it again," he promised. She wasn't sure she believe that either.

But "OK," she said – still looking out the window as he started to move the car again as the light turned green.


	83. Chapter 83

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"So Will gave Olivia an engagement ring," Elliot said has he handed Kathy the plate he'd just finished washing from dinner.

She looked at him, her face lighting up. "Really? They got engaged? That's fantastic. I told you so. I win our bet," she declared happily.

El shook his head. "Not exactly."

She looked at him questioningly as she continued to dry the dishes he was handing her.

"She hasn't said yes yet," Elliot clarified.

"What do you mean she hasn't said yes yet?"

Elliot shrugged. "She hasn't accepted the proposal yet. She hasn't given him an answer yet."

Kathy gapped at him. "She told you this?"

"Sort of. She's been wearing the ring around her neck – since she got back from leave. I asked her about it today," he said, motioning a bit at his own neck.

"Since she got back from leave? Hasn't she been back a couple weeks now?" Elliot nodded. "And she hasn't given him an answer?" Elliot shook his head. "Wow. What's she waiting for?"

Elliot shrugged. "Knowing Liv, probably until she feels she's suitably punished herself."

Kathy shook her head. "And she's wearing it around her neck? This is going to end badly."

Elliot looked at his wife. "I don't know. She'll likely come around eventually. She likes the guy – a lot."

Kathy shook her head again. "It's like Sex and the City," she said. "Carrie."

Elliot looked at her blankly – and shook his head.

"Carrie and Aidan," she said.

Elliot wiped his hand down his face and groaned a bit. "Kath, this means nothing to me."

"When he proposed and she started wearing the ring around her neck because she wasn't ready to get married but didn't want to say no. So she told him she wore it there for it to be closer to her heart. But eventually he figured out if she wasn't ready to be engaged to and marry him then, she'd never be and he broke it off. But she'd broken his heart. It was really sad."

Elliot gapped at his wife. "Well, I'm pretty sure Liv isn't re-enacting some plot form Sex and the City. She'd probably be as clueless at me on what you're even talking about."

"Oh, no way, El," Kathy said. "All women watched Sex and the City. Olivia's totally the right age to be a fan – and, a single woman living in New York. She would know exactly what I'm talking about."

He looked at her. "She didn't say anything about it being closer to her heart or whatever. She didn't say much of anything."

"Like she's going to talk to you about that," Kathy said.

Elliot glanced at her. "She talks to me about lots of stuff."

"She'd lay out the details of her love life and why she hasn't accepted the proposal of the guy she's been publicly fawning over?"

Elliot shrugged. "She talks about Will."

"Oh yeah? What's she say?"

"That he's a good guy, mostly, good with Noah, or to vent or whatever. Just – whatever – in-transit chatter."

Kathy shook her head. "She's going to break that man's heart."

"Kathy, she's not going to break his heart. Don't be so fucking dramatic. She's happy. She just has to go through her little … thing. Anyways, I was telling you so you could start planning on how you're going to claim your prize."

Kathy sighed. "Don't know, El. Not sure I'm going to win now. Ring on a chain. Doesn't look good."

He shook his head at her, "Kathy …"


	84. Chapter 84

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah clutched onto her at the table while she tried to finish up her breakfast.

"Mommy, please, don't go to work today, please," he whined at her.

She rubbed his back. "Sweets, I've got to go in today. It's an important day for Mommy. But I'll be staying home with you tomorrow."

"Mommy, please," Noah whined again.

She shook her head. "I can't Noah. Will is staying with you today. And, I want you to get lots of rest today anyways, OK? So we can have fun on the weekend."

She ached to spend the day home with him – cuddling in front of a movie, reading and maybe doing some colouring. She couldn't, though. Her psych eval was that morning and she had to go in. She expected it would likely be bad form to leave in the afternoon too – unless it was them who were telling her she was fucked up enough that she needed more time off. In that case, she might as well be clearing her desk and locker too. She was sure that would be the beginning of the end of her career in special victims.

"Buddy, your Mom needs to go to work, don't do a guilt trip," Will said from where he was sitting at the table. "Come sit down," he suggested, pointing back to Noah's place, where untouched peanut butter toast was still sitting.

"Mommy, I don't want you to go today," Noah whined again.

She took his face in her hands. "Noah, sweetheart, this isn't open for discussion. I have to go to work. You are acting very, very tired. I think you should take a few bites out of your toast and then I will read you a story before I go – and then you can lay down for some more sleep."

"I don't want to sleep," he protested and yanked away from her.

She grabbed his arm as he started to flail. His temper this week was awful. She hated the weeks where he had the prednisone in his drips. The irritability it promoted in her son was only made worse by the insomnia it caused – sending his already exhausted body and mind into fits of hysterics and confusion. It made trying to guide him through the aches, rashes, dry mouth, peeing and diarrhea – near impossible. Noah was an absolute mess in the days following the treatment and by the time her and Will got through his rebound period – they were a mess of exhaustion and nerves.

She pulled Noah into her lap a little rougher than she meant too and held him tightly against her as he still fought to get away. She rubbed his back and shushed him, even as he pushed against her chest and kicked at her legs.

She eyed Will as she held her boy – and he just silently looked back at her apologetically, rubbing his own face, clearly knowing he was in for a long day – and likely wouldn't be getting in much working from home, at least not until Noah crashed. It would happen. It would only be a matter of time until his little body couldn't bear all the nervous energy that was pulsing through him anymore and it would just shutdown - and he'd sleep. It was getting to that point that would be hell.

Noah finally stilled but started sobbing against her and she just held him tighter, trying not to come down to tears herself.

"It's OK, sweetheart," she assured him. "I know you hurt today and you're just so tired and don't feel well, right?"

He just cried harder.

"Don't go, Mom," he sobbed.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she said. "I have to. But I'll call and check in on you. You and Will are going to watch some TV and colour. Maybe play some Legos. You won't even notice I'm gone, I promise."

"Yes I will," he cried.

She kissed his head. "You need to be my big boy about this, Noah," she told him. "You're going to be fine."

She could feel him rubbing his tears, and she assumed snotty nose, against her shirt. She'd now have to manage to find the time to get upstairs and change before she could get out the door too. She wiped at the tears on the side of his face that he had facing out – but it just caused him to adjust and bury his face even more into her chest.

She sighed and hoisted him up more and managed to get out of the chair. She gave Will a look as she walked by, carrying her boy. He reached out and stroked her arm as she passed, grabbing her hand that was closest to him, wrapped under her son's rear. He squeezed her hand tightly and she gave him a small but sad smile.

From the kitchen she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and then headed down the hall, collecting some items from the bathroom, before taking Noah into his room. He was still clinging to her as she sat down on the edge of his bed. She rubbed his back more.

"Let's lie down, sweets, OK?"

He nuzzled her neck but loosened his grip a bit.

She moved her hands under his armpits and lifted him onto the beside her. She cupped his cheek. And then reached over to open the bottle of pills she'd brought with her. She handed him one and he put it into his mouth and accepted the bottle of water from her to take a drink.

She rubbed his back as he still sat there sputtering a bit. "That's going to help your aches, Noah, OK. Soon."

He sort of nodded – and she stroked his head. She hated seeing her son like this.

"You keep drinking the water, OK, sweets. Lots and lots today. Flush everything out. Pee, pee, pee."

She leaned over and dug his Chapstick out of his bedside drawer and uncapped it, smearing some across his dry and chapped-looking lips. She left it out of the drawer – sitting on top of the table. "It's right, there, Noah. You put some more on today or have Will help. Please."

He just flopped onto his bed at that, face first, so she pulled some of the covers back up him. She looked at him. She could tell he was still teetering between wanting to sleep and wanting to go into a complete meltdown.

"Are you itchy? Do you want Mommy to put some cream anywhere for you?"

He shook his head, from where he was laying on his belly, not even looking at her. She rubbed his back some more.

"What should we read?" She asked.

That caught his attention a bit and propped himself up to look over at his expansive bookshelf. She stood from the bed and took the couple steps over to it and randomly pulled one off.

"Cyrus the Unsinkable Sea Serpent?" She suggested, holding it towards him but he shook his head. She examined the shelf again for a moment and picked up one of the about seven that were sitting there, having not been re-shelved properly. They were on such high rotation they just got left laying out. She didn't ask his opinion on it and went back to the bed and lay down next to him, pulling him closer to her. He cuddled right up.

She showed him the cover. "Mommy's favourite," she said.

Noah looked at her with big eyes, still glassy and bloodshot eyes. "I like it too," he told her softly.

She nodded. "Good. OK …"

She opened the book – Robert Munsch's Love You Forever. She slowly read the story to Noah, making sure the could see each picture.

"Sometimes the mother would say, 'This kid is driving me crazy'," Olivia read to her son. "But then at nighttime when that little boy was asleep, the mother would open up the door to his room, crawl across the floor, look into his bed and if he was really asleep, she'd pick him up and rock him back and forth and back and forth and back and forth – and while she rocked him she'd sing …" Noah sang the repeated sing-song verse with her, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

She had a love-hate relationship with the book. Even before Noah got sick she'd find herself getting overly sentimental about it. Since Noah's cancer, she sometimes found herself tearing up during it - if not outright crying. But she was careful to keep it in check that morning – and not think about if she'd get to see all the stages of a growing boy the book hit on – the pre-teen, the teenager, the student moving to college and the grown man. She didn't want to think about if it would be her who'd die first – like it was supposed to be – or if she'd end up having to say goodbye to her little boy well before what should've been his time. She also didn't want to think about if he'd ever get the chance to grow up and have his own little baby like the character at the end of the book.

So instead she forced herself to focused on the small smile that painted across Noah's face each time they got to say that the kid was driving the mom "CRAZY" and listen to his little off-key voice as he sang the refrain of the story with her each time.

She handed him the book as she finished it and he opened it to look at the pictures again – his habit. She stroked his head and leaned over to give his forehead a kiss. It felt a little warm, and she laid the back of her hand against it. She'd tell Will to check it after she managed to get out the door.

"You going to try to sleep a little bit, sweets?" She asked.

"I want Bluey," he told her.

She nodded and dug around a bit in the mess of covers on the bed that hadn't even had a chance to be made up that morning. She managed to find the little NYPD bear that Noah had received at the beginning of his cancer journey – and who had become a near constant companion on their trips to the hospital and other appointments. She handed Bluey to him and he gripped it to his chest in a hug, holding it so the two of them were face-to-face.

She sat up a bit more and pulled the covers further up her son, tucking them under his chin and patting them around his sides.

"I want you to rest, Noah," she told him seriously. "And then think about what movie we're going to watch together when I get home, OK? I want you to pick a really good one for us."

He nodded.

"OK, be good," she told him in her mantra to him and then leaned down to give him a kiss. "I love you forever," she said.

"I love you too, Mommy."


	85. Chapter 85

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

All Olivia could think so far was that she was glad George Huang wasn't around anymore and that she hadn't been saddled with him for this. It would've taken an awkward situation she was resentful of to a whole new level. Though, in other ways it likely would've been easier to talk to Huang than it was to this hand-picked IAB shrink.

"You don't really want to be here, do you?" Asked Dr. Tina Ashley, who was sitting across from the couch that Olivia was trying to find some way to look like she was comfortable sitting on.

She recrossed her legs and folded her hands into her lap again – for about the third time. "Does anyone really want to be here?" Olivia said.

Ashley shrugged just slightly. "I suppose no one particularly likes a mandatory session – but I think some people do find they help."

Olivia made no response – physically or verbally. She just wanted it to be over with already. She didn't want to go through this little song-and-dance and she knew how volatile these things could be. There was really no judging what might be interpreted in a way that would be differential to her cause. She'd stuck her foot in it before at some of these sessions – and she'd seen Elliot come out of them kicking himself and then walking out the door on forced leave more than once. Before she'd left the bullpen to head to Ashley's office, he'd half jokingly, half seriously told her not to say she dreamt about killing pedophiles.

Ashley brought down the pad she was holding against her chest to her knee. "Do you want to tell me a bit about yourself and why you think we're meeting today?"

Olivia rubbed above her one eyebrow. "OK. I've been a detective with Manhattan SVU now for almost 14 years – and I'm here because I've been on a compassionate care leave agreement for about a year now, and the powers that be want to renegotiate that contract or for me to consider transferring to another unit in the interim."

"And you don't want to leave special victims?"

"No, I do not."

"Why is that?"

"Because it's where I have spent my career. It's my job. I don't intend to just walk away from it."

"Why are you on compassionate care leave, Olivia?"

Olivia glared at her. "I'm sure your records can tell you that."

She nodded. "I'd just like to hear your interpretation of it."

"I don't think it needs an interpretation," Olivia said. "It's pretty straightforward. My son has leukemia. He's undergoing treatment. I applied for compassionate leave and an augmented work schedule after he was diagnosed. It was granted."

"He's your only child?"

"Yes."

"How is he doing right now?"

"He's LTM," she said. "He's in long-term maintenance," she clarified.

"And what does that mean?"

She looked down and rubbed at her eyebrow again. "That he has treatment and a lot of appointments for likely about two more years of our lives."

"That must be hard to balance with work – especially in a job like yours – as a detective," Ashley stated.

"I manage," Olivia said.

"Really? How?"

"I have a compassionate care agreement," she said – drilling her eyes into the shrink.

"How does that make it easier for you?" the shrink asked.

"It allows me to work an adjusted schedule so I can get my son to appointments and care for him while he is sick," she said.

"That must still be really disruptive to your job," Ashley stated.

"No, when I'm at work," she said, "I'm at work."

"How often are you coming into work right now, Olivia?"

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. That answer would be on file too.

"It depends. I try to be here four days a week right now. One is usually a half day."

"And you have a caseload?"

"Yes, my Captain returned me to casework and the field basically full-time in December."

"Before that you were on a desk when you were in?"

"For the most part, yes. There were exceptions. I took some statements at the station. Did some basic field interviews and canvassing with my partner. I got given a few cases as my schedule got more consistent – but since December, beyond working a shorter week – I have been back to my regular duties."

"With a smaller caseload?"

"My Captain decides how to assign cases, not me. That's his prerogative," she said.

"You work with a lot of children in your job," Ashley said.

"Special victims does deal with minors, yes," she said.

"I imagine that would be challenging even in the best of circumstances. It must be hard to deal with some of what you see when you have a sick child at home."

Olivia readjusted her legs and squeezed her hands tighter together. "The cases with children always stay with you longer. That hasn't changed."

"But there must be a different layer to it now?"

Olivia looked down. "I've done this job a long time. I know how to separate what I do – and what I see at work from my personal life at home. The only thing it may have changed is that I hug my son a little tighter when do I get home."

"How does it make you feel when you have to deal with the child victims?"

"Sad," she said simply. "Angry. It makes me want to catch the perp who hurt them – to help them."

"Does it make you think about your son?"

Olivia shrugged. "Sometimes."

"How so?"

She shifted uncomfortably again. "Sometimes I encounter a child – or a case, a crime scene - that reminds me of him in someway. I think, when you're dealing with children, it can make it easy to think about how you wouldn't want your child to have to go through that pain. That you want to be able to protect them."

"But you haven't been able to protect Noah from this pain, right now, have you? From cancer?"

Olivia flinched a bit at her son's name being used for the first time by the woman. She'd purposely been avoiding naming him. It made it easier to have this conversation when he was just her son not her Noah. She looked down.

"I don't think any parent expects their child to be diagnosed with cancer," she said.

"But Noah has been – it's something outside of your control, something you can't just make better for him as his mom. So how do you deal with that?"

She looked at the woman. "I guess you try to make it as easy as possible for them and control the things you can control."

"What can you control in this situation, Olivia?"

"My interactions with him," she said. "I make sure he is as comfortable as possible. I try to calm his fears. I can control how I deal with my emotions about it – especially when I'm around him. I can control my knowledge about what is happening. Ask questions. Make sure I'm educated in the decisions I'm making about his treatment. I can set routines. I can make sure our lives stay as normal as possible. That he goes to school, that I go to work."

"Yet, you work in a job that is riddled with uncertainty. You never really know what you're going to be walking into."

"I guess I like that in a way."

"Why's that?"

"It's not boring. There's variety. It's worthwhile - you're helping people. You get to try to get justice for wrongs. To try to make things right for the victims."

"But you can't just jutice for Noah, can you? You can't fix that wrong?"

"Is there a right or wrong for cancer?" Olivia snapped and then tried to reel herself in. "Cancer just is what it is. You can't try cancer. You can't punish it."

"But it can make Noah a victim," she said.

"My son isn't a victim," Olivia spat out, glaring at the woman. "He's a survivor. I will never, EVER, treat him like he is a victim and I won't allow others to either. He is stronger than most adults I know."

The shrink watched her for a moment.

"What other stressors do you have in your life besides your job and Noah's illness?"

Olivia didn't know where to begin that list. She sighed. "Medical bills are expensive and I feel like my job – that provides the income and the benefits to deal with those – is under threat."

Ashley looked at her. "Some of the materials that got pulled ahead of this evaluation, showed that you have some petitions going through Family Court right now?"

Olivia just nodded. She really didn't want to get into that.

"That's quite the extra heaping to add to your plate right now, isn't it?"

"Well, you can talk about that decision with Noah's father, if you like," is all she said.

The shrink jotted something down and sat like she was waiting for Olivia to say more on the topic, but she didn't. So Ashley moved on: "Managing Noah's illness and medical needs with the hours of your job – especially now with you being back up to four days a week – that must be hard. I know detectives can work long and erratic hours. How do you manage that?"

"I have help," Olivia said.

"Good. Tell me about where that help comes from? Who's in your support network?"

She sighed. "My colleagues at work – my partner, Detective Stabler - has offered a lot of support. My Captain. They've done their best to make sure I am able to be back at work – and have offered help with Noah anyway they can. They've made it easier."

"What about outside of the office? Friends? Family?"

She knew her file would lay out the dismal state of her family life too. She didn't really want to talk about her lack of friends too. Elliot, Cragen, Munch, Fin - Alex, Casey – they were her friends, her family. But she knew that wasn't the answer they wanted to hear, especially if she wanted to keep her job.

"I'm in a relationship," she said. "He helps with Noah. He provides me support at home."

The shrink made a note. Olivia knew Will likely wasn't in her file – at least not in an obvious way. He was listed as her emergency contact, though he obviously wasn't yet classified as a next of kin – that was Noah.

"How long have you been in the relationship?"

"About a year."

"So since Noah got sick?"

Olivia glared at her. "We've been extremely close friends for four years," she said. "It developed into more a year ago."

"When Noah got sick," Ashley said again – this time as more of a statement than a question.

"Is there some sort of departmental policy about when is a suitable time and circumstances for a relationship to begin that I'm unaware of?" Olivia drilled into her.

Ashely gave her a small smile. "No, I don't believe so."

Olivia gave her a curt nod and sat staring at her waiting for the next question.

She made another small note.

"How is he helping you these days?"

Olivia shrugged. "He's very involved with helping with my son's appointments and care. He's there for me to talk to and to offer support."

"Is there anyone else in your support network at home?"

She inadvertently let out an audible sigh while she thought about it. "I guess his family. They've been really helpful. They've offered a lot of support too."

"Because you don't have your own extended family?"

Another answer Ashley already knew from her records.

"Not really," Olivia said. "I have a half-brother."

"But he hasn't been helping you while Noah's been sick?"

Olivia snorted. She knew her file would have some comments about Simon too. She had so little contact with him since he'd served his sentence for custodial interference, he didn't even know Noah was sick. Simon still hadn't taken responsibility for his actions and blamed her for having to give up his custody petition for his daughter – not his own stupidity in kidnapping the child – when she'd already waded into it deep trying to help him.

She didn't think Simon knowing Noah was ill would be a good idea anyways. Simon couldn't even handle keeping his own life in order. She didn't want to think about what it might look like if he decided he wanted to try to help. She also wasn't sure he had it in him to do something for her – to have a relationship where it wasn't him using her. So she didn't initiate contact with him. She didn't need to add yet another layer or stress and dysfunction to her life.

"No," she said.

"Do you have trouble accepting help from your boyfriend's family?"

Olivia thought the truthful answer was likely yes. The reality was she had trouble accepting help from anyone. But she just shrugged.

"Would you say that you trust people? Or do you think people aren't very trustworthy? That they're trying to take advantage of you or your son?"

Olivia looked at her. "I'd say that'd be a very cynical view of the world."

"That doesn't answer the question," Ashley said.

Olivia examined the floor in front of her, trying to decide how to answer.

"I'm cautious in my relationships and I'm very conscious of who I allow to be a part of my son's life and who I allow him to become close to."

"Why do you think that is?"

Olivia gave a small shrug and pushed further back into the couch.

"Do you think your job has anything to do with it?"

"Likely," she allowed.

"And, why's that?"

"I guess because my job means I've seen what this world is like – what people can be like. I don't want certain aspects of that in my personal life – or anywhere near my son."

"So you shelter him from it?"

"Aren't all parents supposed to protect their children?"

"I'm sure you deal with a lot of parents who haven't protected their children very well," Ashley said, "where it's the parents who have been the predators, the abusers, the perpetrators."

"I said that they're supposed to protect their children – I didn't say they all do," Olivia clarified harshly.

"Did your mother protect you?"

Olivia looked down. She'd known it was only a matter of time before her mother seeped into the eval too.

"I'm sure you've got all the information you need on that in front of you already," she said.

"Do you think your relationship with your mother has had implications on your ability to form relationships with others? To let them into your support network and help you?"

Olivia sent her eyes up to the ceiling and breathed in deeply.

"Yes."

"In what way?"

She brought her eyes back to the shrink and rubbed above her eyebrow again, this time almost massaging her temple. She wanted this to be over.

"Umm, because I spent most of my childhood and teens not wanting anyone to know she was an alcoholic – and trying to hide that from everyone. I spent a lot of time having to take care of her – when she was supposed to be the one taking care of me. And, alcoholics aren't the most trustworthy or supportive people to have in your life either."

"How has that affected how you're raising Noah?"

Olivia looked at her. "I try to be a better mother to my son than she was a parent to me."

"Do you think you're achieving that?"

"She set the bar pretty low," Olivia said flattly.

"Do you consume alcohol, Olivia?"

"Yes."

"Has the frequency changed since Noah's been sick?"

"No."

"When's the last time you had a drink?"

She was going to spit out that she didn't know but forced herself to stop and think about it for a moment. "Last Friday, Will and I were out. He had a work thing."

The woman gave her a small smile. "Will?" She said, testing the name, and Olivia cursed herself for having let herself reveal it. "What's he do?"

She fidgeted with her hands for a moment and forced herself to still them. "It's a prof at NYU."

"It's good that you still manage to get out during all of this, you know?" Ashley said. "Do you and Will go out often?"

She nodded a little – to the going out part, not so much to the often. "We try to make sure we get out at least once a month."

"Once a month? That's not very much," Ashley said.

"We get alone time in the evenings – when Noah's asleep."

"You live together?"

"Yes."

Ashley made another small note.

"What about other leisure activities? What do you do with your free time when you're not at work?"

She shrugged. "I guess, I spend time with my son."

Ashley smiled. "What do you and Noah like to do together?"

"Ah, just regular things, I guess. We do a lot of crafts together. He likes that."

"What kind of crafts?"

She shrugged again. "Just crafts. Cut and paste. Colouring. Playdoh. Watercolour. Finger paints. Whatever."

"What's your latest craft together?"

"Umm, we've been doing some Easter crafts."

"Like what?"

She shook her head at her, not really seeing how it mattered.

"Ah, this paper plate bunny thing and these little egg carton chicks."

"Where do you get the ideas?"

She had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. "I don't know. Books, magazines, the Internet. We go to craft classes at the community centre and library when he's up to it. He's in an art therapy program through the hospital."

"Do you attend any programs through his hospital?"

She nodded.

"Which ones, Olivia?"

She didn't really want to talk about that.

"I participate in the Healing Journey program," she said, just leaving it at that and figuring they could go and look it up themselves if they didn't know what the basically institutionalized five-part cancer support course was already. "I go to the caregiver connect sometimes. I've been to a couple of their cooking and nutrition sessions, a financial-planning session. I went to a little seminar they had on music therapy a while ago. Ah, we all like music. Noah likes music a lot," she almost smiled thinking about that and how often the three of them ended up doing silly dancing, singing or air guitar in the living room. "He participates in the group music and percussion sessions when he's hospitalized too. He really likes that."

Some other note was made. "You mentioned Easter crafts, are you religious?"

"No," she said but paused a moment and then added, "Will's family is."

"So religion is part of your life – through your partner?"

"Umm, Will's not very religious either. But I guess I'm regularly exposed to it. My partner at work – he's religious as well."

"Does having access to that outlet help you at all?"

She shrugged. "It's pretty peripheral to my life."

Ashley nodded. "So what else do you do with Noah besides crafts?"

"I don't know. We play – a lot of Lego, Star Wars, Batman, dinosaurs. We read together. We're at the park as much as his health allows. Watch movies."

"What about you and Will? What do you two do together?"

She sighed again. "I guess normal date stuff. Go out for dinner, a walk, a drink. Sometimes we get tickets to something."

"What interests do you share?"

None, was what meant through her head. Their relationship wasn't based on shared interests really. It had mostly grown out of share experiences or damages – and similar personalities, in a way.

"I guess literature. Music. Coffee. We try to get out to spinning together – or a jog. The Times crossword puzzle. I don't know. We just are able to talk – debate about things. A lot of our time is shared with my son. I guess he's a shared interest."

"Will's close to your son?"

"Yes. Extremely."

"So it's not just you and Noah against the world then?"

Olivia snorted thinking the suggestion was ridiculous – or at least she wanted to think it was. "No. It is not."

"What about you-time? What do you do for yourself?"

She wanted to roll her eyes again. Seriously, how many ways did this woman think she was able to divide her time? There wasn't a lot of surplus time in her life these days – or for as long as she could remember.

"That kind of overlaps with things we've already talked about. I go to the seminars and programs at the hospital. I read. I like to sit down and do the crossword when I get a chance. I exercise."

"Is there a time of the day that you consider just your's?"

She shrugged. "I guess when I exercise. I try to get out for a run a couple times a week. I have some classes that I try to make time for too. I guess I consider if I'm reading or doing the crossword in alone in bed me-time too."

"Do you get to do that very often?"

"Usually on the weekend it's easier to do that," she allowed.

"It must be hard to find any time with your son sick and your job," the woman said.

"It is," Olivia said.

"Do you ever feel burned out?"

There was no way Olivia was going to agree to that turn-of-phrase.

"Some times it can all be a little tiring," is all she offered.

"It must be easy to worry a lot too," the shrink added.

Olivia looked at her. "I don't let Noah being sick provide distractions at work," she emphasized again.

"Really? It must be hard not to be distracted by it."

"I'm committed to my job. When I'm at work – it is the cases, the victims, that require my attention. Distraction could mean harm to myself, a civilian or another officer. My full focus is on the task at hand when I am in," she stressed.

"How do you achieve that?"

"Aren't we trained how to compartmentalized and focus?" Olivia glared at her.

"So you feel that training is working for you then?"

"Yes."

"Even though you've admitted that there are cases – victims – that make you think of Noah?"

"If you asked any officer or detective who has children, they'd tell you the exact same thing," she almost hissed at her. "Just because something makes me think of Noah doesn't mean it's entirely distracted me from the job."

"It must be hard, though, to not be thinking about or worrying about him on days he has treatment or appointments," Ashley said.

"Compassionate care agreement," Olivia spat out. "There's another reason it's important and I'm glad I signed it – as did all the other levels. It means on days where there would be extra distractions in my personal and family life – I am able to remove myself from the workplace and focus on that for the moment, thereby caring for my son and ensuring the safety of those around me."

"What about days where he's just sick – he still has cancer, that must be in the back of you mind?"

"Do you have children?" Olivia asked harshly.

"Yes, I have two."

"Then you know it doesn't matter that it's cancer – when they are home sick, you are going to think about them and worry about them during the day. It doesn't mean it takes over your entire psyche. It's something always in the back of your mind," Olivia said, fighting not to let her voice raise more. "Noah has cancer. It's an illness. It does not define his life. It does not define my life. And it does not define my family's life. It may have become part of our family's life – but it is not us. It is how you deal with the disease that defines you – and we have been dealing with it. I have been pulling out all the stops to deal with it for him and for me. I don't want to talk about it all the time. I don't want to think about it all the time. And – I don't. I like my work. I like my job. I like having a space where I can actively focus on something else – where it isn't right there in my face. And, I resent it even being suggested that because my son is ill, I am incapable of doing my job."

"Doesn't requesting a compassionate care agreement suggest you felt you weren't as available to do your job?"

"No," Olivia said louder than she meant to and forced herself to lower her voice before she said more. "It shows – doesn't suggest – that my son was very sick and was going to be spending a lot of time in the hospital and no one was able to tell me what the outcome was going to be. I am his mother. I needed to be there. I had a right to be there – and I still have the right to be there with him, and for him. But I also have the right to continue in my job. I haven't done anything wrong. I can't be punished for my son being sick. It's ridiculous that I'm being put on trial because Noah has cancer."

"That's what you feel this is? A trial?"

"Well isn't it? You'll be submitting a report to the board that's reviewing my leave agreement; the same board that is trying to figure out how to have it revoked or to have me removed from SVU."

"My understanding is that you've been offered a position in Computer Crimes, which would have hours that might be more beneficial to you and your son while he completes his treatment."

"Who are they to decide what is most beneficial for me or my son?" She spat.

"Do you often feel like that? That you're being judged by other people?"

"We are all judged by other people," Olivia said.

"Some times it's not judgment, though," Ashley said. "Sometimes it is people who care about us or have a vested interest in our well-being trying to provide some advice."

"I don't think that's what's happening here at all," Olivia said.

"You resent people offering their opinions – or giving you advice, don't you?"

Olivia glared. "It depends on who it's coming from and what that opinion is."

"Because some opinions don't count?"

"Because some opinions are wrong," she said.

"Why do you want to stay with SVU, Olivia?"

"It's my life's work," she said. "It is my rock – it's been a stable thing in my life. I've always had that job to go into. It's where my friends are – my colleagues, my support network. I don't want to be ripped away from that."

Ashley tapped her pad with the pen.

"How would you feel about ongoing therapy being recommended in your case? Would that be something you'd be willing to participate in? You have a lot on your plate, Olivia."

"Is that going to be what you'll be putting in your report?"

"I didn't say that," Ashley clarified. "I asked about your willingness to participate in an ongoing therapy program."

"If that's what I need to do to stay with special victims, then that's what I'll do."

"Do you think you'd benefit from therapy? What do you think it could do for you?"

She did roll her eyes at that – and cursed herself, quickly realizing that was likely about the worst possible reaction to have at that point, when she might be being given an out that would help her stay put in the job she just couldn't let go of.

"I'm willing to go, participate and see if it helps."

"You think it might help you then?"

Olivia looked at the ceiling and sighed. "I don't think it would harm me."


	86. Chapter 86

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot glanced up as Olivia came back into the squad room – her phone plastered to her ear. He nodded at her as she walked by to hang up her coat and she gave him a small smile.

He'd been worrying for her all morning with her out at her psych evaluation and hoping that it went OK for her. He definitely hadn't been as productive as he should've been with the morning hours and had snarked at Cragen a couple times – just to ensure the Captain knew he was unimpressed with the fact his partner was out having her head shrunk.

Her body language as she came back into the bullpen didn't seem upset. But he also recognized that she was clearly on the phone with her son. Before she had left, she'd told him it had been a morning from hell in her house with Noah in a complete 'roid rage and she didn't think she was in the right headspace for the eval. He'd told her to take the trip over to the shrink to figure out how to fucking get her head on straight – and quick. She'd given him an unimpressed look – but he thought they both knew it was true. She couldn't be letting whatever bullshit she'd had to deal with that morning to be shining through at the evaluation. It could be the nail in the coffin for her when dealing with the bastards and what they were trying to do to her career.

She sat down at her desk across from him, still chatting quietly with Noah, but now digging through her drawers to pull out the basics to start her work for the afternoon.

"It's all the way up to the ledge?" He heard her say into the phone. "That sounds pretty amazing, Noah. I can't wait to see it."

She was had an almost stupid little smile across her face about whatever her boy was babbling at her about.

"Yeah," she said. "Hey, sweets, so did you pick a movie for us yet?" There was a pause. "Transformers? I don't know, Noah. That one looks kind of scary. Well, you know I'm not as brave about scary movies as you." Elliot snorted back a chuckle and she glanced at him with a smile and a raised eyebrow. "Maybe you should pick a backup, just in case Mommy thinks that looks too scary, OK?"

She was flipping through her notebook to something as Noah talked and making listening sounds.

"You guys are going to have grilled cheese and tomato soup without me? That's not fair," she told her son. "I know he makes it good," she agreed, "that's why it's not fair.

"So do you think you are going to lay down again for a nap this afternoon?" She asked. "Well, I think you should. You want to be feeling better so we can go on the Easter egg hunt at the museum on the weekend, right? Yeah? So maybe you should take a nap, right? OK, sweets. Can you pass the phone back to Will, please? OK, love you, sweetheart."

She must've typed her password into the computer – making a series of punches at the keyboard while she waited, and clicking the mouse a couple times.

"Hey," she said after several seconds. "Are you putting some milk or something in the soup to fatten it up? Yeah, OK.

"Has his temperature come down at all? Did you call the doctor? I think one of us should. Well, then I can take him in tomorrow, if we need to. I'm likely going to be away from the desk this afternoon. OK, thanks.

"Do you think he'll lay down for you again this afternoon? I think you should. Give him one of the pills, it will help knock him out. Yeah. Whatever. Just give it to him.

"Mmm. I can't really talk about it now. Yeah, I'm back in the squad room. I guess it went OK. More or less. I'm fine.

"Yeah – hopefully by six-ish. OK. You too," Elliot caught her say at the end before she pulled the phone from ear, clearly avoiding saying 'I love you too' in the squad room.

He gazed at her as soon as she set down the phone. She looked back at him and shrugged.

"I don't know," she said.

"No idea?"

"I can never tell with these things," Liv told him. "I kind of got the impression at the end that they might put of less of a fight about me staying if I start going to get my head shrunk and evaluated on a regular basis."

"The shrink said that?"

"Implied."

Elliot shook his head.

"That's ridiculous," he said.

"I'm not thrilled about the prospect, either," she admitted.

"You're alright?" He asked.

She nodded. "I guess. It wasn't that bad. It could've been a lot worse. Just glad it's over. Now let's see if I can get through the rest of the day without them calling in and telling me to pack it up for another imposed holiday."

"They're fuckers," Elliot declared for her.

"Fucking fuckers," she agreed.


	87. Chapter 87

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia had been kissing Will. The operative words being that it had been her doing the kissing. Will was barely participating – allowing her his mouth but not touching her - and he clearly hadn't been getting any out of it. He'd eventually abruptly broken it off – and she almost was happy he had because it had just felt so forced and wrong. But the abruptness of it stung and the fact he wordlessly leaned forward to pick up the remote from the coffee table and turned up the volume on the television without so much as looking at her made her feel even worse.

She sat next to him, looking at him, knee pulled up to her chest, almost gaping at him - really not sure what had just happened. He'd been acting strange of the past few days. He just wasn't himself. He'd been short with her - and had almost been giving her the cold shoulder. They were still rebounding from the brutal previous week with Noah's treatment and both of their work schedules were still overloaded at the moment. She knew they were both tired and stressed – but his behaviour was falling well outside his realm of normal. She hadn't been able to figure out what was going on but also hadn't wanted to read anything into it. But his latest move, the two of them now sitting there on the couch and feeling about a 1,000 miles apart, felt like a bit of a slap in the face. She was a little hurt.

"You realize I was kind of trying to move things upstairs," she said to him after staring at the side of his head for several minutes, him refusing to look at her, his eyes locked on the television. He was watching some shitty Friday night rerun marathon of Criminal Minds – a show that he knew she really didn't feel could be described as entertainment, let alone something he should be picking over spending time with her.

He glanced at her and shrugged. "Yeah, I just don't feel like it."

She gaped at him some more. She sure as hell wasn't going to beg him to have sex with her. She actually didn't even really care that he was giving up an opportunity to get laid (which she thought was kind of strange for him anyways). What bothered her was that it felt like he was purposely trying to be cruel.

She gazed at him for a bit longer and then turned herself settling her back into the couch and watching the show too. She kept glancing at him. He continued to ignore her.

"Will …" she started, intending to try again to gauge what was wrong.

"Liv, I don't want to have sex tonight," he snapped at her, before she could get anymore out. He drilled angry eyes into her.

Her eyes went big and anger flooded her too. "Trust me, that's completely fine with me, Will," she glared at him. "The way you're going, I hope you don't think you want any for quite a while. What the fuck is wrong with you tonight?"

He shrugged and turned back to the television again.

She continued to watch him. His arms were crossed across his chest protectively and he seemed so tense and closed off. Even his body language wasn't his usual posture for at home – especially for the quiet time they got in the evenings together. She thought about getting up off the couch and storming upstairs – leaving him to sulk about whatever the fuck he was sulking about alone. But the reality was his whole demeanour was really bothering her. She knew something was wrong and could see he was upset. She couldn't decide if it bothered her more that he was being a complete asshole to her – or that he was hurting and wouldn't talk to her about it.

"Will," she tried to soften her voice. "What's wrong? You've been short with me for a few days now. You're clearly upset with me about something. I'm really not sure what I did. But, if you would please just tell me so we can talk about it."

He gave her a sideways glance – and then again turned his attention back to the television.

She sighed, "Will, please …"

His head snapped towards her. "Why the fuck do you want to have a conversation about whether Noah should call me daddy before you can even bring yourself to give me a fucking answer to my marriage proposal?"

She'd sat a little stunned – partially by the venom that was in his voice but also the fact that that's what had brought on the hells-frozen-over feel around the house the past few days.

Her and Noah had been in the butcher's shop earlier in the week picking up a couple things. She'd ended up asking the little old Portuguese man behind the counter to shave some of the turkey breast. Will often took it on sandwiches for his lunch or to throw on the top of salads. They were in the shop often enough that the man knew them to see them together – as a family, and he had caught on that the luncheon meat was for Will. When he was done slicing the order, he'd come around the counter to head to cash them out and had handed Noah the small package of meat, simply stating, "There's for Daddy."

Neither her nor Noah had made any comment about the statement. But it had stuck with Olivia. It had come up a couple times lately – even some staff that'd interacted with had mistaken Will as Noah's father while they were on holiday. And, as much as she hated to admit it, May nagging her about Will's title in Noah's life had been sitting high in her mind too.

So she'd tried to casually broach the topic with Will. She'd just asked if he thought he might like Noah to call him 'Daddy.' Will had barely reacted beyond saying Noah could call him whatever he wanted. She'd tried to push the subject a little bit farther but had been greeted with one word answers and shrugs and had dropped it – thinking that Will really didn't care much either way. But looking back on it now – she supposed it definitely was the marker in the week of where things had started to go wonky in his communication with her.

She looked at him carefully. "I'm sorry asking you about that upset you so much," she told him.

"It doesn't make sense, Liv. Let's have him start calling me Daddy when you can't even decide if you want me in your lives."

She gaped at him again. "Will, I want you in our lives."

He glanced back at her. It was a brief moment of eye contact but she thought his eyes had started to glass over and his left knee had started bouncing up and down with his nervous energy – his arms crossing tighter and tighter over his chest.

"Then why haven't you given me an answer yet," he said quietly, without looking at her. "It's been almost a month."

She pushed her shoulder back into the couch, keeping her body turned towards him.

"You said I could have time to think about it," she said, watching him and trying to get him to meet her eyes again.

"Yeah," he snapped. "I thought you'd take maybe a week or two to think about it. Not a month. Do you ever intend to let me know what you're thinking about it?"

"Will," she sighed.

He met her eyes. They were glassy with tears he was clearly fighting back.

"I deserve an answer, Olivia," he told her, his voice clearly trying to hold back tears too. Just seeing him like that made her eyes start to water and chest tighten too.

"You can say no," he told her. "I'm not going to disappear into the ether. But I deserve to know … to know what this is, to know what I am to you, what my life looks like with you. You owe me that much, Liv. You do."

She looked at the ceiling, hoping the upward cast of her eyes might make the tears stay in. She didn't want to cry.

"Will, I just don't know," she said, her voice cracking.

"What don't you know Olivia?" Upset was bubbling in his voice again.

She just shook her head and shrugged still looking at the ceiling. "I just don't know," she said again.

His knee started bouncing harder – she could feel it causing vibrations in the hardwood floor to the point that she thought she could feel the couch even shifting just a little. She wanted to reach out her hand and try to still the violent movement and calm him – but she could tell he definitely didn't want her to touch him right then.

"I don't understand," he said and she saw him reach up to the one eye, farthest from her. She couldn't see tears from where she was but she saw him wipe at that side of his face. "I just don't understand."

"Will," she plead. "It's just me. I'm just not sure about marriage, in general. It's not you."

"I don't understand," he said again – his head shaking and shaking in confusion.

She sighed. "Marriage is just … different. I don't think I'd be very good at it. And then there's Noah …"

"I love Noah," Will almost sobbed that time. "I don't know how many times and ways I can show that to you. I love Noah."

"I know," she said looking up again and willing the tears to stay in and her voice to stay even. "It's just there's my job and there's me. I'm kind of fucked up. I'm kind of hard to live with."

He looked at her again. His tears were obvious now. She tried to reach out to touch his arm but he pushed himself further into the corner of the couch and she dropped her hand.

"You think I don't know your fucked up – that you're hard to live with. You're fucking hard to live with, Olivia. This relationship is fucking hard. It's not fucking easy. I have to work at it every fucking day. But I'd rather live with you then without you. Don't you fucking get that?"

She sucked back a sob. "Will …"

"You're making me feel like an idiot. A complete fucking idiot. Like I'll always love you more and want to be with you more than you'll ever love or want to be with me. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

"Will, I do love you," she told him.

"It's just all this make-believe shit. You're confusing Noah. You tell him I'm like a Daddy and we're like a family. You tell me that shit too. You confuse me too." He waved his hand towards her neck and the ring on the necklace. "What's this? Like an engagement? I want to be engaged and be married and be a family and be Noah's daddy. I don't want this 'like' bullshit, Olivia. I want to be with you. I want fucking real. I want to get to watch Noah grow up. I want to get to laugh with my best friend every day. And I can't even be like your best friend, can I? That's fucking Elliot, right? That's not me."

Tears started rolling down her face and started streaming harder as she watched him violently swat at the ones on his own face. She hated seeing him like that and knowing that she was causing it.

He stood up and looked at her. His face was so sad and the tears were just streaking down them. It didn't look like they were anywhere near stopping.

"I deserve an answer, Olivia. Yes or no. I'm not going to disappear on you either way. But I do deserve an answer. I haven't ever, EVER, asked you for much – but I am asking you for this. I need an answer. You can't just leave me hanging. That's not fair. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to Noah. And it's really not fucking fair to you either, Olivia."

He didn't wait for her to give him an answer, though. Instead, he'd wiped his eyes across his arm – it didn't help – and then he made a beeline for the stairwell and she almost heard him run up the stairs.

She sat on the couch and let out a deeper sob – followed by another and another. She felt her body shaking with it – and as she broke down she also prayed that Noah would sleep through it. And she just wished Will was there to hold her through it until she calmed – but she knew that wasn't going to happen.


	88. Chapter 88

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia did a bit of a double-take when the door opened. She'd been expecting that maybe Kathy or Eli would answer the door and she'd still have to provide some sort of justification for being on their doorstep in Queens. But, she had not been expecting to see Dickie.

"Hey Dickie," she gave him a cautious smile. He had a piece of cold-looking pizza shoved in his mouth and a case of empties under his one arm.

She hadn't seen Dickie in a while and it was a little strange to see him standing in front of her now. He looked so grown-up – not just a teenaged kid, but a young man. Though the pizza leftovers and empties made her wonder what the hell she'd walked in on. Elliot hadn't mentioned his older son was going to be home that weekend.

"Oh, hey," he mumbled around the slice he was still chewing on. Dickie held out his fist to Noah for a fist bump. "Hey, little man." Noah smiled at the uber-cool offering and bumped it with his own – probably with way more little white boy enthusiasm than was necessary.

"I didn't expected you to be here," Olivia said, feeling a little awkward about it. Dickie looked kind of dozy too, though not stoned. But still. "Is your dad around?"

"Meh, yeah," Dickie grunted. "You know food, laundry. He's inside."

He dropped the case he had under his arm to the floor and motioned them in. She followed behind him, guiding Noah. They turned the corner and Elliot was sitting on the coach mashing the buttons on a videogame controller with what looked like a basketball game on the television screen. There was a box with the pizza sitting on the coffee table, along with bags of chips and empty soda and beer cans. It looked like they'd been at it for a while – and there wasn't any sign of anyone else in the house.

"Damnit," Elliot swore throwing up one hand in the air and then rotating his shoulder cuff. "Was it the bottle drive kids?" He said to his son without turning around.

"Nah," Dickie said slinking back over to the couch and slouching into it. "It's for you."

Elliot glanced behind him and Olivia gave him a small smile of apology and raised her eyebrows at him about the college student mess he was sitting in the middle of. Elliot though had not facial reaction to her being there – almost like he'd expected to see her and her showing up at his home was the most natural thing in the world.

Dickie held up a controller from the couch and waved it at Noah. "Little man," he said.

Noah looked up at his mom for permission and she nodded and nudged him forward. He smiled and nearly galloped over, clearly excited to get to play videogames with the big boys. He rarely got to play console videogames. It wasn't a habit that her or Will wanted him to get into – he spent enough time on the DS and the iPad. They didn't want a console system in their house.

They'd had to fight off Ted and May who had bought consoles for the other grandchildren's houses the previous Christmas – a Wii for Tom's and and an Xbox for Rob's. They'd offered to get a Wii for Noah as well – but her and Will had declined. Will had had to make it clear repeatedly that they didn't want videogames in the house and that it would be an extremely awkward and unfortunate situation if that's what his parents had under the tree for Noah to open when they were over on Christmas Day. Thankfully they had listened – which her and Will had both found surprising. They'd even spent some time hatching how to deal with it should Noah get the ill-advised present.

Noah plopped himself on the couch next to Dickie as Elliot was standing up. He was bouncing on the edge of it with excitement and looking at the controller.

"Pizza," Dickie offered to the kid, jutting his chin towards the open box.

"No, no, no," Elliot said, picking the box up and bringing it with him. "That's been sitting there all night. You aren't eating that, kid. You're hungry, Noah, you let me know and I'll get you something from the fridge."

Noah glanced at his mother, clearly wanting a chance at the pizza – another treat he didn't get often, usually because he ended up dissecting it and just eating the tomato sauce and crust. Beyond it being disgusting to watch – there were cheaper ways to get that into him, that were also less greasy and calorie ridden for her and Will to try to enjoy too. Elliot was right too, though – she didn't want her son ingesting congealed cheese and grease that had been sitting out on the coffee table all night.

"Sweets, you had breakfast, you're fine," she told him.

She saw Dickie lean over and whisper, "Facists" to her son and she couldn't wait to have that word popping up into his vocabulary. Dickie tossed a bag of potato chips between him and her son instead. And Noah glanced at her and almost defiantly took one out of the bag and cautiously put it into his mouth. She didn't say a thing. Salty and crispy hadn't been his thing since he started treatment – between the taste changes and the regular sores in his mouth, it just wasn't edible for him. She knew Noah would only try a couple chips before he decided on his own he didn't want to eat them.

Olivia followed Elliot to the kitchen, where he dropped the almost empty pizza box on the counter. He rubbed bloodshot eyes.

"You want something to drink?" He asked, pulling the fridge door open and grabbing a Coke for himself.

"Sure, I'll have one of those too."

He tossed it at her and though she caught it, she looked at in her hand hesitating opening it after that.

"Where's Kathy and Eli?" She asked.

"She took him over to her mom's for a weekend visit," he told her, loudly slurping from his can.

"And you guys are just …"

"Beating the fucking game, Olivia," he said. "Tournament mode, all-night."

He seemed kind of proud of himself and this apparent accomplishment. But she gave him a look that clearly said she thought that was kind of ridiculous.

"Productive use of your limited time with your grown son," she commented.

Elliot shrugged. "What's up? In Queens at 10 a.m. on a Saturday?"

It was true. It took almost an hour and a half to get to his house on transit. But she wanted to talk to someone. He was about the only person she could think of – since Will wasn't an option.

Will had been asleep when she finally allowed herself to go upstairs the night before. She didn't think he was faking. She'd given him lots of time even after she'd managed to calm down herself, which had taken a while.

His breathing was shallow and even and he hadn't stirred at all when she came into the room or gotten into bed. She figured he'd cried himself to sleep. She was exhausted from her own outpouring of emotions too and she blessedly at that point had managed to fall into sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow – but that was already after about four hours of sobbing and beating herself up about the state of their relationship and her own fucked-up self. It was after 3 a.m. and she was completely spent from the justifiable argument and the workweek.

She must've slept pretty soundly too because when she jerked awake around 6:30 a.m., Will was gone from the bedroom and when she'd padded to the bottom of the stairs, he wasn't there either. She initially assumed he'd gone out for a weekend jog to further avoid her and deal with his frustrations and anger – but when she'd checked her phone she'd seen he'd left a text message.

"Gone to play shinny with my brothers. Back by dinner," was all it said.

She sighed. It wasn't his usual weekend to make the trip out to Staten Island to hit the ice and have breakfast with his brothers. She took it was further sign that he was really upset. And, she hated to think that he would likely be venting at his older brothers and getting advice from them – at least from Rob. She kind of prayed that Tom wouldn't be allowed to interject his opinion about their relationship. She could only imagine that his point-of-view would be that Will should dump her now while he could still get out with some dignity attached.

She'd stewed about it for a while – thinking it was unfair that Will was out telling his family about their private life. They would instantly know something was up when he showed up unannounced to spend time with them – even if he didn't give them the details of what was going on.

She'd realized she wanted to fucking pour it all out for someone else too and before she'd really put too much thought into it – she had her son up, fed, dressed and the two of them on the C-train en route to Elliot's. She knew he wouldn't pull any punches and that she probably wouldn't like what he had to say. She actually kind of thought she already knew what he was going to say. But she wanted someone to say it – and she supposed that someone was going to have to be him. She didn't have anyone else.

Elliot was still gazing at her, taking sips out of his can. "You kind of look like shit, Liv," he told her. "We weren't the only ones pulling an all-nighter."

She raised her eyebrow at him and allowed a bit of a sad half-smile.

"Somewhere we can talk?" She asked. "Out of earshot?"

He nodded and she followed him back out to the front steps. He went down a couple and sat down. She joined him. Elliot had left the door open a crack and she glanced back to make sure she could just barely see Noah at the end of the hall. He was completely engrossed in having Dickie show him how to use the controller and play the game.

"I can't believe how grown-up Dickie looks now," she told him.

"Careful. He'll slug you. Goes by Rich now," he said.

She knew Elliot hated that.

"Fuck, it's hard to believe he must've been, what? About Noah's age when we got partnered?"

Elliot nodded. "You're getting old."

"I was thinking the same thing about you," she said back and glanced at him.

He took another swig of his drink, as she finally popped open her can and twisted it around in her hands. He gazed out at the street. "Yep, the time just kind of slips by sometimes, I guess."

They sat quietly for a while. He waited until she started working on her cola too.

"So you and Will had a fight?" He more-so stated than asked.

"That obvious?" She said.

"Pretty fucking obvious," he told her. "About his proposal?" She nodded. "Been about a month, right?" She nodded again. He looked at her. "You're still wearing it," he commented.

"Yeah," she said softly.

"How do you know?" She asked after a while.

Elliot shrugged. "I'm not a good gauge on that. We went the shot-gun wedding route."

She nodded. "How is it that what we have isn't enough? Why do we need to give it some sort of socially acceptable title?"

"You'd have to ask him," Elliot glanced at her. "Probably just part of who he is – how he's raised. He's got years of Catholicism in him whether he's practicing or not, Liv. That kind of stays with you. He's got parents who are still together. Brothers who are married. It's his social paradigm. It's not a bad one to have. He probably just wants to know you're committed too. He's kind of got a lot to lose in it all," he told her.

She glanced at him, not really understanding.

"What's he got to show for it if you guys do break up? He's gotten close to that little boy in there – but hasn't gotten any legal rights to him. He's parachuted into this little nuclear family, but it's unofficial. It could kind of be taken away from him at any time. That's likely scary. I could see that hurting. You've been with him – what? Must be about four years? That's not just a passing interest on his part, Liv."

"I wouldn't do that to him or Noah," she said.

Elliot shrugged. "You say that right now – but shit happens when people are going through rough spots - during break ups. He's probably trying to protect himself a bit too."

Elliot rubbed his forehead and looked at her. "So is it him or is it just marriage?"

"Cops don't do marriage, El. How many cops do you know who are divorced? I could list off a hell of a lot more divorces and separations and affairs than I could stable, happy marriages. Even you and Kathy – hasn't exactly been a bed of roses."

"So? Does that mean you don't try?" Elliot asked. "Maybe you'll end up as one of the lucky ones."

She laughed and looked at her pop. "Nah, I'm just as fucked up as the rest of us doing the job."

"That what you're so afraid about?" Elliot asked. "That Will's going to figure out that you're fucked up?"

"Oh, he already knows that," she gave Elliot a thin smile.

"Then what's the problem?"

She sighed and examined the bits of winter debris that were still on the steps. They definitely needed to haul out the hose and wash them down – it was fucking April now.

"I don't know. I wouldn't want to live with me. I wouldn't stay with me. I can't get myself to believe that he will – after the honeymoon period of playing house or playing husband and wife or whatever wears off. He'll get sick of it, sick of me. I guess I just don't want to deal with that fall-out. Not for me, not for Noah."

"That's a lot of what-ifs, Liv," Elliot told her.

She shrugged.

"Well, I guess part of marriage is working through that sort of thing. There will be rough spots – maybe with your work you'll end up with more than some people – but I guess you've just got to trust that you guys care about each other enough that you'll figure it out as you go. You can't really get so hung up on the future. Marriage is pretty day-by-day, in my experience. Some days are better than others."

She didn't say anything. She was just scuffing her feet around the steps instead.

"Look, Liv, I don't know Will that well – but I know you. I know this guy wouldn't be around if you didn't really respect him. You wouldn't be letting him into your life, into Noah's life. You've obviously let him in. That's got to count for something. Maybe you've just got to trust yourself a bit more. Let yourself be a girl – listen to your heart. Fuck over-analyzing it. You won't be able to. You'll likely end up hurting yourself and him more in the process, if you do. And, I don't get the impression you want that."

She gave him a small smile and reached down to rubbed some smudges off the toe of her boot.

"What'd your heart – not your head – say when he gave you the ring?"

"To fucking punch the fucking idiot," she answered immediately.

Elliot shook his head. "You guys clearly have a really healthy relationship. Maybe, you're right, you should just pack it in."

She smiled again.

"I thought he was really sweet. It's just some of the little things the asshole does for me – or says to me…" she rubbed at her eyebrow and adverted her eyes from Elliot. "He just treats me a way that no one ever has before – in ways that I'd given up on thinking men could even be."

Elliot looked at the side of her head. She'd taken a keen interest in twisting the tab off her pop can and wasn't looking at him.

"So what's wrong with that?" He asked. "Liv, you deserve to be treated well."

She shrugged. "Maybe he's to good for me."

He sighed. "Liv, you need to drop the fucking inferiority complex. It's never looked good on you."

She glanced at him. She wanted to glare but couldn't.

"Everyone will be in my business if I get engaged, if I get married," she said.

"How the hell cares?" Elliot met her eyes. "We'll be happy for you. If having people make a bit of a fuss over you because you tie the knot is what's holding you back, that's really ridiculous, Olivia. If you're serious about that – maybe you're right, you don't deserve the guy."

She looked at him. She felt her eyes glassing a bit and went back to looking at the can.

"I don't want to lose him," she said.

"Then get off your fucking ass, stop with the delays and the excuses and tell him what he needs to hear and what I think you want to say," Elliot told her.


	89. Chapter 89

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia had initially ignored the sound of Will coming into the house and continued to work on making up some dinner for Noah in the kitchen. But she heard him talking to someone and stuck her head out the doorway to gaze down the hall and realized that Rob was with him.

"Hi Olivia," Rob had said to her from in the little alcove in front of their door.

"There, she's here, you can go," Will spat at him, shrugging his coat off and then near hobbling towards the stairs.

It was as he turned towards her and started to come into the brighter light of the living room, that Olivia realized the one side of his face looked a mess. His eye was a deep purple and clearly swollen shut. She could make out the curve of stitches just below his cheekbone, also outlined in a nasty bruise, and again trailing from his eyebrow done the side of his eye.

She stepped towards him. "What the hell happened?" She said, concern filling her voice.

He must've heard it and he stopped his hasty retreat and stood still long enough to let her come over to him and examine him – but he jerked away when she tried to touch his face.

"High stick," he just said.

"My God, Will."

"I'm OK," he replied and started to limp back up the stairs, leaving her standing there.

She didn't think she should follow after him at that point, he clearly didn't want her to. So she stayed put and turned towards Rob, who was shuffling his feet in the alcove.

"He wouldn't let me call you," he told her as she joined him there, crossing her arms across her chest.

She nodded. It didn't really surprise her given what had happened the night before and where they were at – they hadn't made up yet, they hadn't even talked about it yet. She wasn't even sure if they were both through with their cool-down periods yet.

"I wanted to make sure he got home OK, though," Rob said, "and make sure you got briefed you on what happened. I gave him a lift."

She nodded again. "I appreciate that," she told him. "What did happen?"

Rob sighed. "He didn't have a visor on. He doesn't like them with those athletic goggles he wears."

She nodded again. She knew that. She'd commented on it before to Will, expressing some concern – but he'd always said it was just rec hockey, it was just shinny hockey, that she was worrying too much.

"He took a high stick to the face," Rob said, pointing at his own face and mimicking the movements, with impact just below the cheekbone and then pushing up and across the eye – likely in the perfect position to push his goggles up his face – and then again gashing across the suborbital above his eye.

"There was a lot of blood and the impact – he lost his balance. Fell back, landed on his tailbone pretty hard and his head did a good bounce too. Still in the helmet but …"

She gazed at him. She figured Will was OK – he was home – but it didn't sound great.

"You had him at the ER?" She asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, a bit of a long day. Umm, they said he's got a Grade 2 concussion. Did a CT on him."

She gapped at him. "Is he OK?"

"Yea, yea. He didn't lose consciousness or anything like that. He was a little confused after he hit the ice – but I think he was kind of in shock with the blood. Complained of blurred vision – but again, the eye and the blood.

"Anyways," he handed her a sheet of paper. "That's the run down of dos and don'ts for the next while and what to watch for. You need to get him back into the ER if any of the symptoms crop up or get worse – especially the vomiting or seizures. He seems OK. Really. He's not supposed to sleep for a few more hours, though, and you'll probably want to be checking on him during the night. Sure you know the rundown on this kind of thing."

She nodded. She did – but she still stood examining the discharge instructions.

She shook her head. "I wish he'd let me be there," she sighed.

Rob nodded and examined his feet. "So he's got 18 stitches there – ten and eight," he told her. He dug a card out of his pocket and handed it to her. "They had a plastic surgeon come in and take a look at him. Will didn't seem too interested in letting the guy touch him but they scheduled a consult for in a couple weeks after the stitches have healed and the swelling has gone down. If he changes his mind, the guy said you can call before then too, if he wants."

She nodded and took the appointment card.

"His eye is OK?"

"Yeah, they said so. He can be putting a cold cloth on it to help with the swelling. There's some blood in it but they said it doesn't look damaged and it should heal up on its own. They had the eye guy come in and take a look at him too. If anything changes, though, he's supposed to get into an eye doctor ASAP. You might want to follow up with your guys' guy in a few days just because to," he gently suggested.

She sighed but gave a small movement of her head in agreement. She really wished he'd called and told her he'd been hurt so she could've been there with him rather than having to get the rundown from his brother. She felt stupid having to hear it like this – and she didn't want to start imagining what Rob was thinking about it all.

"Anyways, I'll leave him in your capable care," Rob said, "I should get home."

"His parents know?"

Rob nodded. "Yeah. But had me extract Mom from the hospital too."

"Where was Tom during all of this?"

Rob sighed. "It was Tom who high sticked him. He's kind of beating himself up about it – which for Tommy means running away. Haven't seen him since I got Will into the truck to drive over to the hospital, haven't spoken with him."

Olivia rubbed her forehead. Will had a rather unfortunate history of injuries at the hands of his one brother. There were the childhood injuries and scars, which Will mostly passed off as just boys being boys. But it wasn't those that particularly bothered her – it was the aggression she'd seen Tom demonstrate towards Will in other family sporting activities. Will came away from them with bloodied noses regularly. She suspected this might've been a hit directed at yet another bloody nose that had gone badly wrong.

Will had brushed it off when she'd said anything about it – even though she knew it bothered him too. He'd always just painted it as old habits dying hard – and Tom was just continuing his efforts from their youth to toughen him up, to get him ready for the hockey and football teams that Will had never joined. But she felt that Tom was just generally too hard on Will – verbally, physically and emotionally. He was rough with him and usually overly blunt in how he spoke to him.

Olivia shook her head. "Why's it always Tom that seems to be the one behind Will getting hurt at these things?"

Rob looked at her – and she could tell by the look on his face the fact it was happening wasn't a loss on him. "I'll talk to him," he promised. "I think this has likely taken it beyond, you know, some good fun."

"Bloody noses, concussions, black eyes – that's not good fun, Rob. That's not just teasing or roughhousing," she said. "You guys are grown men. It's assault."

"I'll talk to him," he said again.

She sighed. She heard a creak on the steps that lead down to the small playroom and turned around to see Noah peaking around the banister.

"Hey, Noey," Rob directed at her son.

"Hi?" Noah said questioningly.

"Uncle Rob just gave Will a ride home, Noah," Olivia said. "He got hurt playing hockey today. I bet he could really use some hugs from you, maybe you should go and see him? He's upstairs."

"Is Will really hurt bad?" Noah asked his eyes going big and concerned.

"No, sweets. But he's got a black eye."

"A black eye?" Noah asked, almost excited.

She nodded.

"Does it look really cool?"

She gave him a small smile. "I don't think so – but maybe you should go check it out."

Noah transferred steps and headed up the stairs calling out at Will about black eyes being really neat.

She turned back to Rob.

"You guys going to be OK here?" He asked.

"Yeah, we'll be fine," she said.

"Will said you guys had a bit of a fight the other night," he offered cautiously.

She looked down. "We're OK. I'll take care of him."

Rob nodded and reached out giving her shoulder a good, tight squeeze. "You need anything there, you know you can give us a call, Olivia?"

She nodded. "Yeah, thanks."

He allowed her a thinly-drawn smile. "OK, you hang in there then. I'll give him a shout in the morning to make sure he's holding up."

He stepped towards the door and opened it for himself but then seemed to have second thoughts and turned back to her.

"Olivia, I don't want to speak too far out of place here, but I just wanted you to know that the family – we never really got to know Tessa with the two of them living up in Beantown. But we've really enjoyed getting to know you and your little boy. We all really like you – even Tommy, believe it or not. Tommy's just Tommy. You're a good woman – and baby brother up there is really taken with you. He's a really good man – even if he isn't one of us," he said in a jab. Rob was always trying to convince her that they shared some sort of connection since they were both technically first responders. She wasn't sure she bought into that whole all-in-this-together cops/firefighters/EMS thing. But she appreciated his efforts.

"I know Will is a good guy, Rob," she told him simply, holding the door and waiting for him to step out.

He nodded. "OK, you keep treating him good then. Take care of him." He gave her a weak smile and stepped outside. "I'll talk to you guys tomorrow."


	90. Chapter 90

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She had thought Will had tried to come into the kitchen stealthily. But he hadn't done a very good job. Beyond stopping in the living room to talk to Noah, each of his footsteps belied the pain he was experiencing in his lower back and tailbone.

She gave him a smile as he finally made it to the doorway in the kitchen and leaned himself again it.

"Hey," she said to him. "Did you change your mind about dinner?"

He'd told her that he didn't feel like eating when she'd gone up to check on him earlier. But now he nodded. She was glad he was going to try to get some food into him. She had only pulled two plates out for her and Noah – so as she finished spooning the meat sauce over the one plate of tortellini, she had turned back to the cupboard to grab a third one.

"I'm sorry, Liv," she heard him say as her back was turned.

She looked over her shoulder as she lifted the plate down and gave him another thin smile. She brought the plate back to the stovetop.

"Will, you don't need to apologize for anything," she told him.

He nodded. "Still…" was all he said.

She looked down and started putting food on the empty plate. "I'm sorry too." She looked up at him from what she was doing. "I'm really glad you're OK."

He pulled his cheeks back into what was clearly a pained smile and it faded. "I'm OK," he said.

He reached over to take the serving bowl of salad and to pick up the baguette sitting on the counter – clearly moving to take them to the table.

"It's OK," she told him. "You just worry about moving yourself in that direction. I'll bring the food out."

He nodded but still kept his hand on the salad bowl, moving it slightly.

"Noah said you guys went out to Elliot's today," he said and glanced at her, his one good eye looking sad.

"Yeah, we did," she nodded at him, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear and picking up the last plate to put dinner onto. "You went to see your family. I wanted to see and talk to my family too," she looked at him carefully as she said it.

Will nodded and looked down, he kept spreading and closing his fingers on the countertop. "Did he say we should just call it quits?"

She snorted a little at that suggestion. "No," she assured him. "Far from it. Why? Did your brothers say that?"

He shook his head quickly. "No." He paused. "I didn't say anything to Tom. I guess I got a lot of quality time with Rob today, though."

She looked at the top of his head. "I wish you'd called."

He nodded, still without looking at her. "I do too. I'm sorry. I didn't know where we were at."

She stopped what she was doing and took the couple steps towards him and wrapped her arms around him. He returned the hug, rubbing the good side of his face against her head.

"I love you," she told him.

She felt his arms tighten even more around her. "I love you too, Liv, so much."

She nodded against him. "We still need to talk. We need to work this out. But I don't think we should do it tonight, Will. You need to rest right now."

He sighed. "I know. But I don't want to pretend that it's just resolved, Liv. Please."

She looked at him, being sure to meet his eye and maintain the contact. "I know it's not resolved, Will. I know I need to talk to you. I will."

He nodded. "OK."

She tilted her head up and found his mouth for a kiss. He actually returned it that night – unlike the night before. She patted his chest as they broke a part.

"You look like shit, Will," she told him.

He snorted a bit and looked down. "You don't. You never do – even after a night of no sleep."

She gave him a small smile. "Com'on, lets get some food into you – so you can go lay back down and get some beauty sleep."

"It's not going to be much beauty sleep when you're waking me up every three hours," he sighed.

"Oh well," she said, starting to take the plates out to the table. "We want to make sure your beautiful mind heals up properly. God knows I haven't kept you around for your dashing good looks," she teased him.

He allowed a small laugh. "Skinny and pale has grown on you."

She shook her head. "Nah, it was the abs and tattoos. You should've spent your 30s showing them off more – you would've done better with the ladies."

She saw he looked a little shy about her saying that.

"I think I did OK," he said. "I got you."

She smiled at him as she came back to get the salad, and baguette and cutting board.

"But I guess I have a few months left of my 30s to attract the ladies, if I need to," he added.

She glanced at him and shrugged. "I think you're likely OK. Forty is the new 30 anyways, in the doubtful event that flexing for someone else becomes necessary," she said.

He snorted out a repressed laugh. "Yeah, well, I guess you've been telling me for years that the 40s are the new 30s."

"Not YEARS, Will. Don't make me feel old or we might really have to end this – despite any advice we may have been given," she said.


	91. Chapter 91

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia thought it was a little ironic that they were having to work on Noah's school's open house project on Sunday – and that the project, of course, had to be making a family coat of arms.

She knew they needed to get it done. Even though they had until Thursday to get it into the school for the following weekend's event, she knew if they left it to work on weeknights, it would be an unhappy and rushed affair. It just seemed like a bad project to have to be all sitting on and working on together given her and Will's current unresolved status. She thought it might throw him into another rage at her. It hadn't yet though. He hadn't really said anything, which kind of made her wonder if he had hit his head harder than the doctors had thought.

He'd been complaining that he had a headache that day, that his eye felt like it was about to throb out of its socket and that his whole face hurt. He seemed quiet and really kind of miserable. He was acting tired too. But between the head injury and the pain medication, that wasn't to be unexpected.

Still, he'd come down to help when she'd gone upstairs to tell him that her and Noah were going to start working on the family project. She was glad he had. He was much better at drawing than her and had sat taking very unconstructive from Noah about what things were and weren't supposed to look like. Will allegedly managed to draw several things "wrong" before he did anything right.

But she'd sat there watching as Will patiently drew and erased and redrew until he got each little section to Noah's liking. She could tell it was hard for him. He put his hand up to his temple several times and rubbed at what he'd described to her earlier as a skull-cracking headache. Not to mention, with his eye swollen shut his sense of depth and perspective was off and his drawing wasn't as neat and characterized as usual – but it was still far better than what she'd have been able to do.

She got to be represented on the shield by a police car (after vetoing the idea of a gun) and a heart, meanwhile Will's little square had a pi symbol (which took some convincing to Noah was more visually interesting than an addition symbol) and running shoes. Noah had picked the Batman call-sign and a lightsabre – about his two favourite things in the world. The little instruction sheet had said the large left square that was to be left on all the shields, no matter how many family members there were, should include something to represent the family's background, something that symbolized their values and a depiction of their special skills.

Olivia actually thought the whole project was a little challenging for the kindergarten kids but understood the administration was making the whole school do it for the open house and fundraising event. They were trying to draw in some dollars into the school and to build the community a bit more. Her and Will had already donated some items for the silent auction. She was sure they wouldn't be that popular – they'd handed in a stack of tshirts and caps: NYPD, NYFD and NYU. She had thought they couldn't really look much more New York – and who in the city would even want that, if they didn't already have them on their own accord? But the almost ridiculous reality in their house was that all three of them had the shirts – and did actually wear them. Some times as sleep clothes or running clothes – but they were put and in part of the weekly laundry rotation. Beyond that, she really didn't know what else to donate and she sure as hell didn't want to sign up for the bake sale.

She was curious to see what other families had donated – and what their little projects would look like. For them, a lot of the afternoon working on it had ended up being explaining things to Noah over and over again and trying to brainstorm together.

Getting him to help pick their family motto to go at the bottom of the shield had been kind of funny. She'd explained to him that it should be something they all said a lot. Noah had suggested "Go to time out", which Will had laughed out loud and looked at her. She supposed it was pretty telling of what her patience level with her son had been of late. After they'd managed to determine that that wasn't appropriate, "Go Knicks!" and "Go Yankees!" had been put forward by her son – still kind of missing the point. It had eventually evolved into "Defence!", before she'd persuaded him into her mantra to him anyways – "Be good."

In their family quarter Noah had decided that a fire truck represented their family history, which she found kind of interesting. She didn't have family. It was Will's family that had their history – and Noah had some how clued into that and had already adopted it. Will had convinced Noah that a lion symbolized courage and that they all valued being strong in their family. For special skills they'd ended up with crossed bats – which she wasn't sure indicated they had some sort of special talent at baseball (because she didn't think they did beyond being belligerent spectators) or that they were really good at clubbing people over the head (which might've been slightly more truthful – or at least suggestive of all their tempers).

Finished his drawing duties, Will had settled back into his chair as her and Noah coloured. Noah was a flurry of scribbles with the markers, crayons and pencil crayons that they had spread all over the dining room table. He was being a little bossy about how she should and shouldn't be colouring things – so she'd left the contents of the squares to him and had been slowly working at filling the border in in blue – the colour he'd nearly screeched at her to use after she'd initially picked up red. Thankfully she hadn't touched the sheet with it yet before he realized she was doing it all wrong – or there might've been real hell to pay.

"I think ours is going to be the best," Noah had been repeatedly declaring.

"Sweetheart, it's not a competition," she told him again.

But she did think their giant three-by-three flimsy piece of paper posing as a coat of arms looked pretty good. Though it was a little strange to see Noah's perception of their family life caught on paper in that way. It was such a simple but sincere collection of images. And having to sit there listening to him try to decide what each of them should be and why had kept making her smile. She found herself keep looking at Will too. Several times he met her eyes and gave her almost a sad smile. She kept hearing him in her head saying that he just wanted it to be real too. She knew he was probably thinking it then as well – but he was keeping his tongue bit and temper in check. He would never say something confusing or upsetting like that in front of Noah.

Will hated colouring – and he probably wouldn't have done it up to Noah's standards that day anyways. So he mostly sat and watched. He was trying to coax answers out of Noah for his "About My Family" worksheet. The one-page chart apparently was going to be tacked on the wall along with a family photo – it wanted to know all about a collection of family favourites. So far they'd only been able to agree that their favourite sport was baseball and their favourite colour was apparently blue. The rest of the answers sounded more like Noah's favourites than family favourites.

Will had shoved the sheet across to her with the five other blanks waiting to still be filled in – or corrected to something a bit more collectively reasonable. Currently the family's favourite television show was listed as Clone Wars and their favourite song was The Clash's Should I Stay or Should I Go, according to her five-year-old.

"I give up," Will had said.

She took a break from the colouring and looked at the hand-out. "I think the song works for us," she'd commented as a joke.

"Darling, you gotta to let me know, should I stay or should I go? If you say that you are mine, I'll be here 'til the end of time," Will had said flatly and raised his one good eyebrow at her. "So you gotta let me know. Should I stay or should I go?"

Noah had perked up and started doing thrashing little boy head-banging, "You're always tease, tease, tease," he'd attempted to sing.

Will had looked over at Olivia and started shaking with laughter. She looked down at the table and couldn't help it either.

"Why's it funny?" Noah had asked them confused.

Will shrugged. "Because this indecision's bugging me. If you don't want me, set me free."

Olivia kicked him a bit under the table. "Stop it," she said.

He just smiled.

"We should put it on, Mom," Noah had suggested.

"Yeah, Mom," Will had agreed.

She'd nodded and gone over to the stereo in the living room. The main floor was actually notably quiet that afternoon. She'd purposely been keeping the music off and the television down because Will had been complaining about his aching head. But with his permission, she was happy to turn it on and had scrolled through until she found the song, started it up first and headed back to the dining room table.

She knew Noah had only picked it because he loved how Will would usually do silly air guitar, head banging, and punk rock thrashing around dancing for him in the living room when it came up on their play list. And the lyrics were easy for him to learn and repeat. But it was a fucking hilarious choice.

Noah was bopping his head to the music, still focused on his colouring, but occasionally yelling out some of the lyrics.

Will sat listening to the song and giving her the stupidest smile while it was playing.

"Yeah, this definitely the best choice to pick as our family song to display to the entire school body," Will said about halfway through the song. "One down, four more to go."

She shook her head and looked down at the sheet again. "Well, we can do the last one, I think. Noah … 'Our family is special because'?"

Noah thought about it for just a moment, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth in concentration. "Because we're awesome," he said, not even looking up from his colouring.

Will looked at Olivia. "We are awesome," he told her almost too seriously.

She nodded and started writing it down in the blank. "We … are … awesome," she said as she filled in each word.


	92. Chapter 92

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Olivia, before you head out, my office," Cragen had said, after being out in the bullpen, handing out assignments. She'd already started to walk over to the coat rack to grab her jacket and head out with Elliot.

She glanced behind her shoulder and followed Cragen into his office. Elliot eyed her as she walked by.

She didn't wait for him to tell her to shut the door but decided not to take a seat. She purposely still put her jacket on – trying to just give an extra indication that she wanted to keep it short.

"Have you heard from your union rep yet?"

She shook her head. "Not this morning, I haven't."

"You're in the psychological management program for the moment," he told her flatly. "EAP will be in touch with you to determine when you'll be slotted in. It will be during your working hours."

She looked down and pushed some of her hair back behind her ears.

"Do I have any say in this?"

"You either start going now or you'll be on temporary psych leave and you'll still have to be cleared by one of the shrinks before you can come back," he told her.

She nodded and examined the floor. "How long do I have to go for?"

"Your therapist will decide but I'd say you should expect to go until at least we've got this review cleared up," he was only getting to look at the top of her head. "I'd say you should also expect that it might be an ongoing recommendation in the report that comes out of the review board."

She sighed. "Is it something I can challenge?"

He shrugged. "You can take that up with your rep – but you know how psych evals and recommendations work around here."

She didn't say anything but he saw her cross her arms.

"It doesn't mean anything more than you having a lot on your plate right now, Olivia."

She looked up and rolled her eyes. "Yeah. So what happens now?"

"The board will be meeting again now that we've got the report from your psych evaluation back. They'll be re-discussing how they want to proceed. Some recommendations will be forward to the chair and then sent back to IAB to decide what they want to do – if they are even in any legal position that they can do anything. Then after that, I guess, I'll have some news for you."

She nodded. "When will my rep be getting these materials? The reports and recommendations?"

"Same time as everyone else."

"Will I be getting to participate in any more of these meetings?"

"Not unless the board calls you back for some more questioning – I don't think they will be. I didn't get that impression. Your rep will be able to request an appearance if you're going to challenge any of the recommendations or decisions."

"Then I suspect I'll be seeing you all again," she tried not to glare at him too harshly.

He tapped his desk. "Olivia, I've been arguing that you've only been back on full caseload since December and that you should have at least six months before we start assessing if our closure rate has really been compromised. Just keep your nose down. Keep doing what you're doing – your job. Go to their therapy sessions. We'll make it work out."

She nodded. "If you say so, Captain. Is that all?"

He sighed but shrugged. "Yeah, go."


	93. Chapter 93

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Benson," she barked into the phone on her desk as she scooped it up – and then exasperatedly sighed. It was Will.

"Will, I didn't pick up my cell because I'm a little busy right now. No, I haven't listened to the message yet," she said to him almost feeling like she was talking to her small son.

Will had been a little needy that week – and it really had almost felt like she had two kids at home.

The doctor had recommended he take a few days off work – and also told him to keep off the computer and away from the television – as well as putting a halt to fiddling around with his smartphone and iPad too. He'd also been warned against doing too much reading, in general.

Will was supposed to give his brain a 7 to 10 day recovery period and follow up with their family doctor before fully returning to his regular activities. So his exercising had been shelved too. It had basically meant he was bored and didn't know what to do with himself until he went over and picked up Noah at school. So until about 2:50 p.m. each day, he was calling her with ridiculous questions.

"Do we have any marmalade?" Was what she got from him on Monday.

"Since when do you eat marmalade?"

"I feel like marmalade," he'd said.

"Well, if it's not in the fridge, we don't have marmalade, Will."

She could almost feel him looking in the fridge. "I don't see any fridge."

"Then we don't have marmalade. Walk up to the store and get some if you want it."

On Tuesday it was, "We're out of Tylenol."

"OK, do you want me to stop and get some on the way home?"

"I kind of need it now."

"Then put on your shoes and go to the pharmacy and get some."

"I don't feel like going out."

"Then what do you want me to do about it?"

"I thought you might know if we have some somewhere else in the house?"

"If it's not in either bathroom – then we don't," she'd sighed at him.

By that Wednesday, she was just not picking up the phone and his multiple calls with ridiculous requests, questions and observations – "Do you think I'm allowed to do the crossword or does that count as reading?" "Do you think Noah would be upset if I touch his Legos?", "I think we should get a grill for out back for this summer", "Can you pick up chickpeas? I want to make hummus."

She really couldn't deal with the calls and do her job. He'd caught her on Tuesday while she was out doing a canvass and she'd initially excused herself from talking to a potential witness to take the call thinking it might be important. It hadn't been and she'd been about ready to give him another concussion. As a grown man, she thought he should know better. But he was still a little out of sorts. She was at the point she was actually thinking about calling the doctor and dragging him in early because of how oddly clingy he was being – even though most of his other symptoms had subsided at that point, beyond some fatigue and headaches.

But, it was actually the first time she'd ever seen him sick in any way. In the entire time she'd known him, she could only think of one time he'd even had a cold. She was realizing she was glad he didn't seem to get sick often – because he became a little boy, apparently, when he was.

She picked up her cell off the desk and looked at it again as he was babbling at her. He'd called it three times so far that day.

"OK, Will, hon, I don't have time for this right now. I'm at work. You've got to spit it out."

She looked across her desk at Elliot and shook her head, rolling her eyes. He gave her a thin smile. He hadn't been impressed when Will had interrupted them while they were out in the field the other day either.

"You aren't supposed to be checking your email," she sighed.

She nodded, listening to him go on about the back-log in his work account and how apparently the entire mathematics' department had fallen apart in his lack of presence over the past three days. But then he had something almost interesting to say.

"Yeah, OK, that sounds fun," she agreed but then sighed. "Will, I'm not asking the entire squad room. OK. Whatever."

She held the phone so Will could obviously still hear and rolled her eyes, clearly just trying to appease him and get him off the phone. Everyone was aware that Will had a concussion and Franken-face and was basically stalking her at work at the moment. She thought Cragen might kick her ass about it soon. In the very least, his behaviour wasn't helping while the review of her compassionate care agreement was going on. She'd pointed that out to him and he'd completely agreed – but apparently hadn't absorbed it, based on the conversation she was currently having.

"NYU has a block of faculty tickets to the Knicks' game on Friday. They're $12. Does anyone want tickets?" She literally waited about two beats before turning the mouth piece back towards her and saying, "No one's interested Will."

Elliot held up his hand though. "I'll go," he said.

She looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, sure, I'd like to see Lin play."

"Oh that's cute," Fin said from across the way, "Liv and El are going to go on a double date. Or El just a third-wheeler?"

Olivia shot him a look – before turning back to Elliot. "How many tickets do you want?"

"Are you guys taking Noah?"

She shook her head. "No. It's date night."

"See, it is a date," Fin interjected again. "That's kind of fucked up guys. El you better be taking someone or it's just weird."

She glared at him again. "Fin, unless you want in on this too, shut it."

"Why would I want to go see some Asian kid play ball?" Fin asked with a shake of his head.

"Because it's New York sporting history," Elliot said.

"Whatever. The Knicks suck," Fin added.

El kind of threw up his hands. "Listen to this guy," he shook his head. "Hook me up with two," he nodded at Olivia.

"Elliot wants two," she said into the phone. "Yes. Elliot. I assume Kathy. No. No one else wants to go. Because they aren't interested. I don't know. They aren't Knicks fans would be my guess. OK – Will – I have to get back to work. WILL - I'm hanging up. Don't call this line again unless it's an emergency. GOOD-BYE, Will. Love you but I'm HANGING UP."

She crashed the phone back on its hook. "Jesus Christ," she sighed and looked back to the paperwork on her desk.

"We're going to the Gardens," Elliot said giving her a wide smile. "Linsanity."

She made a whoop-de-do motion with her hand. "Yea, L-INsanity is right. Go, Knicks, go. I hope Will's current state of mind doesn't traumatize you and Kath too much."

"You know some pervert is going to do something psychotic and you're both going to get your asses pulled out of there and back uptown," Fin said.

"You're just a fucking ray of sunshine today, aren't you?" Elliot said to him.

Fin shrugged. "I'd place my bets on that over the Knicks any day."


	94. Chapter 94

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will jumped to his feet again cheering and reached around her to do some sort of male-bounding high-fiving with Elliot. He completely caught up in the game. She didn't really blame him. She was on her feet too. But she had to admit his enthusiasm had her a little concerned. They'd been into the doctor that morning and Will had gotten a green light to start returning to regular life. Still, he'd been told to hold off on an exercise for a couple more weeks. He may not be training for a triathlon, here, but she wasn't sure the jumping, yelling, screaming and throwing his hands in the air really fell too far out of the exercise realm.

She was trying not to rain on his parade, though. He was clearly having a good time and had been in high spirits since they all met up with him for some pre-game drinks and food at Stout's near MSG. Will wasn't allowed to drink yet with his head injury and she had thought he'd likely be a little shy around Elliot and Kathy but he'd been really personable and chatty. The news from the doctor had him settling much more into his usual personality and she could tell he was just happy to be out of the house and doing something. He'd been so bored that week.

In celebration of his return to regular life, he'd ordered a grotesque amount of chicken wings. She'd had to remind him that he wouldn't be burning any of that off for a few weeks.

He'd looked at the people across the table from him. "I think she's calling me fat," he'd said extremely flatly.

Olivia had snorted at it – but Elliot and Kathy had kind of looked at him, not sure what to say.

He'd turned back to her. "They don't think it's funny."

She'd knocked his shoulder with hers. "They don't know your sense of humour."

He'd gazed at them again. "I'm joking," he told them.

Elliot had scratched his forehead and taken a sip from his pint. "Umm, good one?"

"It's funny because I have really low percentage of body fat," he'd clarified. "And, because she's the one saying it. She's a woman. Weight. Ragging on me?"

Elliot had kind of squinted at him and shrugged again. "Good one?"

Will looked at Olivia. She patted his chest. "Eat your wings."

She was glad she was drinking because she thought it might be a long night. She wasn't really sure Elliot or Kathy would appreciate Will's wry sense of humour or sarcasm.

But Will had just kind of shrugged and dug in.

"Are you doing the triathlon again this year, Will?" Kathy had asked trying to move away from whatever had just happened.

He'd shaken his head – already getting himself covered in sauce. Why would anyone eat chicken wings in front of people they hardly know? Olivia had thought, thoughh she managed to resist the urge to start piling napkins in front of him or chastise him about licking the drippings off his fingers.

"I applied but I didn't get pulled out of the lottery this year," he said. "I'm still seeing if I can get on one of the charity teams again. But I really haven't been putting as much time or effort into the training this year anyways. Work's busy. Life's busy."

"Will – the race isn't until September," she'd told him again - for about the thousandth time.

He shrugged at her and examined the wing he had in his hand.

"Is it pretty intense training regime?" Elliot had asked – at least attempting conversation.

Will had thought about it. "I guess it's as intense as you want it to be. I know some people – who are generally athletic anyways – who don't start training until a few months before. But for them it's an event. For me it's more of a lifestyle thing."

Elliot had looked at him.

"It's a control thing," Will had clarified for him.

"OK," Olivia had broken it up before her friend and partner started doing some sort of profile on her boyfriend. "We're going to a ball game we're not getting our head's shrunk tonight."

Will had nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you guys should be drinking more. Com'on, we're all Irish here. Bottoms up."

He'd held up his glass of water. "To Linsanity, the Knicks and FUCKING New York City," he'd declared with a little too much enthusiasm.

Olivia attempted to get the other's onboard and clinked his glass with her pint. "Fucking New York City," she'd agreed.

Elliot and Kathy had hesitantly joined the toast.

Will had gazed at them. "You guys need to loosen up," he'd said at them.

Olivia had almost laughed again – and Elliot shot her a look. She nodded her head at Will. "I thought it'd be him acting all uncomfortable. You're the one that looks like you've been dropped in the middle of the opera or something."

Will cast a look at Elliot and glanced around the massive institutionalized pub. "This definitely ain't no opera."

Elliot shook his head at him again and drank some more from his beer, glancing at his wife, who looked like she was reassessing having joined them for dinner before the game too.

"You're an interesting guy, Will," Elliot had said.

"Yeah, you've mentioned," Will had said. "Better than boring" – he purposely looked at the couple across the table from them. "We don't do boring," he'd said wagging his finger between him and Liv.

Olivia gave him a small smile and nodded. "Yeah, we're very exciting people."

"Fascinating," Will had added. "You guys fascinating people?"

Kathy had at least snorted at that comment – and things had finally started to loosen up a bit.

"What makes you two so fascinating?" Elliot had asked, putting his mouth around his burger.

"Mmm," Will had mumbled around his dinner. "Well, you see, we're both fucking Serious McSerious. Probably kind of like you two over there. And we fight like fuckers."

Olivia had slapped his thigh under the table and he'd looked at her and mouthed "Oww."

"Don't be an asshole," she'd told him seriously.

He looked back at Elliot and Kathy. "You see what we mean? But – we know how to have fun still. I bet you don't get to see her fun side much," he directed at Elliot.

"I was unaware she had a fun side," he said, giving her a look.

"I'm fun," Olivia protested.

Elliot shrugged. "If you say so."

Will nodded. "She has her moments. Like – I bet you also didn't know she can dance."

"I have never seen her dance," Elliot allowed.

"Oh, she's taught Noah all her best moves. They're like two flailing flamingos or something in our living room." He flapped his wing between his two fingers.

She glared at him. "Really nice, Will."

He just smiled at her. "She sings too. Debatably. This place does Karaoke on Saturday."

She slapped him across the chest. "Would you shut up?"

"Just saying that maybe we've been here on a Saturday night," Will shrugged.

"I'd pay the cover to see that," Elliot said.

"Yeah, well, that's not happening," she retorted, and became very interested in the food on her plate.

"Com'on, we know this one," he'd said and started belting out the Frank Turner song that was blaring over the stereo system earning glances from people sitting around him.

She slapped her hands over his mouth and he kept mumbling around it. "Jesus Christ, Will. What the hell did you take before coming out?" She looked at his good eye – searching for any signs of dilation.

He shrugged.

"She has a nice voice," he told Elliot and Kathy. "She's just embarrassed. She can't tarnish her bad-ass image. God forbid."

Elliot had snorted at that. If Kathy hadn't been there, she likely would've kicked him under the table.

"She's not as bad-ass as she thinks," Will gave her a look. "Far from it."

"Eat your fucking dinner," she'd demanded at him.

But in his work to embarrass her, he'd managed to break the ice and getting through the meal was easier at that point. Elliot seemed to not be looking at Will with as much suspicion and Kathy started participating more in the chatter. Will had managed to keep the charm going and finally did start earning some laughs from the other couple – which made Olivia happy. She kept Will around because he made her laugh. She wanted Elliot to see that. She thought it was important.

Olivia really wanted Elliot to see Will for who he was – not just the comic book geek that she'd moved into next to who wouldn't take a hint, not just the math professor he'd seen picking up her kid after daycare, and not just the man he listened to her vent about after he'd done something ridiculous at home. She wanted Elliot to see Will as a multi-dimensional being – with personality, stories, problems and interests - just like she saw his family.

She knew Elliot already thought she should just marry the guy – but she also felt the need for him to know – and hopefully even kind of like Will, for some reason. She supposed she needed approval from somewhere – though she kind of hated to admit it.

Her and Will had sat down and talked earlier in the week about their latest spat and her continued inability to give him a commitment. It had been a hard conversation. Harder still because he was still suffering from a bit of concussion brain and had some times stared blankly at her like he was more confused by her than usual. But they hadn't yelled and there hadn't been tears. So that counted for something, she thought.

She'd done her best to explain to him that it really wasn't about him – that it was about the institution of marriage, in general. That she was happy with what they had. She didn't want to give it up. But she was really struggling with the concept of being married. He'd sat looking at her a long time before saying again – that he wanted to be married, that that was important to him; that he needed to have some definition on their relationship – he couldn't spend years of them just being undefined. He said he appreciated her position on it – and marriage – but he hoped that she respected his too.

She said felt like he was trying to control or manipulate her on some level – like he was saying he'd yank what they had away if she didn't agree to tie the knot; that that made her even more adverse to the concept. He'd gaped at her and said that definitely wasn't what he was doing. He said again that he loved her and was just saying he wanted to spend his life with her and Noah. He had asserted that her even thinking it was about something else was just another example of her being a complete control-freak and having trust issues. If she really knew him – if she really loved him too – she'd know that he wanted to marry her for the right reasons, he'd said. And, she should just trust him – and herself – and say yes so they could make their family official – real, he'd said.

But she'd still faltered, and there wasn't a lot of room for compromise. She wasn't even really sure what a compromise would be. She'd actually spent a few days trying to think of what might be a compromise. A civil union? Establishing themselves as common-law? But how different from marriage were those from actually being married? She thought she was likely just getting into semantics.

The conversation had started to get circular and Will had eventually allowed that he'd let her think about it until they hit their one-year mark in May. He seemed to feel that people their age should know by that point if marriage was in the offing.

She thought it was kind of arbitrary but hadn't argued. She also liked there wasn't a specific date – at least not in her mind. She hadn't exactly gone and circled on the calendar when they started sleeping together, which apparently was what they were using as the date of the start of their relationship. She also thought that was kind of arbitrary. They could've just as easily used about any other milestone – why not start at the beginning? But then he could argue they were coming up on four-years of her not being able to decide what she wanted out of their relationship. And, even though she wasn't sure of what date they were talking about here anymore – she also knew Will would know down to the minute when they hit this one-year deadline – even though he hadn't given a specific day. She suspected she was likely supposed to know and had probably committed some sort of sin by not knowing when they'd taken that plunge. She hoped he wouldn't be too pissed when she didn't have some sort of … whatever … for him to mark the apparently momentous occasion. She supposed if she'd gone almost a decade without sex, the date might stand out to her too. In reality, she kind of had a lot on her mind at the time – and still did. It was a night when they were home and Noah was out of the hospital and it was in May. That was all she knew. But she knew he'd have something for her to mark the day – that was just him. So she made a mental note to go and pick something up before mid-May just to have around for whenever it came up.

She half-ways expected that the only reason he was giving her more time was because they were so close to the one-year mark with Noah being sick. She thought he likely thought adding more stress to her psyche might really mark the end of them and him getting a 'no' answer. But he'd also made clear she was allowed to say, 'no'. He just wanted her to say it – not drag it out for months and months more – hurting herself and him.

She didn't think she wanted to say 'no.' She actually knew she didn't want to say 'no'. She just hadn't been able to bring herself to say 'yes'. The concept of having a husband just seemed so foreign to her. She'd tried to figure out what it might change between them. It'd be a shift in power, that's for sure, she'd thought – and said. Will had retorted, "You have to trust me, Olivia. You know me." But she still wasn't sure she wanted to give up that piece of herself – that independence.

"It's not giving up your independence," Will had said. "It's allowing yourself to accept love and help – from someone who wants to be there to support you. And I want the same from you. For what you think you're giving up – I'm having to do the same and I'm trusting you to pick up those pieces and take care of them for me too."

Why the fuck did he have to be so philosophical about this crap sometimes, she wondered. It'd be easier if he just acted more like … other guys she'd dated and dumped? OK, maybe not so much, she decided. But still.

He'd also made sure she knew that he wouldn't accept her saying 'yes' as just a way to appease him. He didn't want to move from the never-ending marriage proposal into the never-ending engagement. He'd said he'd be more than happy to go down to City Hall and just get it done, which had terrified her and made her shutdown even more. Being married within 24 hours? She didn't think so. But he'd added, if she wanted something more than that, he didn't want the engagement to extend on for more than a year either. He didn't want to just keep putting it off and off and off. He'd also be kind of pissed if she let it ride out the whole year and then just say, "Hey, let's go do it at City Hall tomorrow."

She'd just looked at him when he'd said that. A year sounded like a long time and too short too. So he'd reminded her that for legal reasons – it made more sense to do it sooner rather than later. That if she couldn't accept that he loved her and wanted to be with her – maybe she should think about the financial and custodial benefits that would come with a marriage, he'd suggested. But even thinking about that aspect of it made her feel a little dirty – like she was belittling what they had and using him. She didn't want to just use Will. He didn't deserve that.

She looked at him sitting there now. Completely engrossed in the game and just glowing – despite how bruised he still looked. She put her hand into his lap and pulled his hand into hers from where he had them clutched together in front of him, leaning forward.

He shot her a look and squeezed hers back tightly before turning his eyes back to the game.

He'd bought Noah a Linsanity tshirt as they headed into the Gardens. She'd told him he was spoiling her son.

He'd just kept counting out the bills and giving them to the vendor. "He deserves to be spoiled sometimes," he'd just smiled at her and then shoved the bag against her stomach after it was paid for. "Here, you can be the hero," he'd told her.

She bounced his hand on his knee and leaned over to him a bit. "You look happy," she'd told him. It was good to see. She liked seeing him happy – loved it actually.

He hadn't taken his eyes off the court. "Mmm," he'd said. "What's not to be happy about? I'm hanging out with you, we're at the Gardens, the Knicks are up."

A turn over was made and he made another sound and sat up a bit, unconsciously dropping her hand.

She smiled at him – and then glanced to her opposite side. Elliot looked about as engrossed as Will – and was possibly being more vocal about it all. Kathy kept rubbing at the shoulder of her hunched-over husband while he watched. She was leaning back in her seat – clearly relaxed and enjoying a night out in the city, even if a basketball game might not have been at the top of her list of things to do on a date night. They weren't really talking but seemed to be perfectly comfortable in just sharing the space together.

She looked back at Will and wondered if that's what they looked like to other people too. She liked to think they excelled at sharing space together. She actually really thought they'd mastered that over their friendship. She knew the healing and calming power of just getting to sit with him after work or after one of Noah's appointments or after a bad dream that startled her awake and continued to haunt her. They talked but they didn't need to talk. He was comfortable with not talking but still knew how to communicate with her in that silence and to make her feel better. She knew that was what she feared losing the most – and she didn't know she'd ever find anywhere else ever again.

"Will?" She said probably a little too quietly.

He made an "Mmm," sound but hadn't looked at her. He'd actually leaned over a bit more onto his knees and looked down at the court more intently.

"Will, yes," she said.

He glanced at her and kind of looked her up and down a bit confused. Then his eyes settled on the empty plastic beer cup sitting between her feet just under her seat. He'd asked between quarters if she wanted another one and at the time she'd said no.

"Oh, I'll go up and get you another at half-time, babe," he said and looked back to the court again.

She smiled and shook her head and looked at the ground too. She glanced back at Elliot on her opposite side. He looked engaged in the game but there was just enough little bits of body language that she got the sense he was listening. But she decided to fuck it.

She reached out and shook Will's knee.

"No, Will," she said as he glanced at her again. "Yes, yes." She made sure to make eye contact and reached up with her opposite hand and touched the ring around her neck.

He still looked confused for several seconds but then his eye got bigger and a smile spread across his face. "That yes, yes?"

"That yes, yes," she confirmed.

His smile got even bigger – toothy even. "The Knicks did the trick, eh?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Must be Linsanity."

Will's smile grew wider at her joke and leaned forward, clearly going for a kiss but then faltered. She saw him glance at Elliot and Kathy. "Umm … can I PDA?" He asked cautiously.

She laughed again and leaned forward to meet him. They joined in what pretty quickly turned into a rather deep kiss that she would usually never entertainment participating in in public – let alone with her partner and his wife sitting next to her.

It probably lasted longer than it should've too – but when they broke it off, Will's face was still painted in a giant grin – and he gripped her hand tightly bouncing it on his knee. He kissed her cheek again – and continued to glow at her. "Yes, yes," he said. She smiled and caressed down his good cheek.

Just then the crowd broke into a cheer again – Elliot jumped up beside her. Will glanced back to the court, trying to see between the asses of the people in front of him. As they began to sit back down, he kept glancing between her and the court – clearly not sure where he should be focusing his attention or what he should be doing in that situation.

She bounced her hand on his knee again. "Watch the game," she told him and gave him a smile, before turning her eyes back to the court too.

As her eyes settled back onto what was happening below them and the score - she felt Elliot kick the side of her foot with his and she gave him a small glance. He was still acting like he was completely focused on the court but had a slight smile on his face.


	95. Chapter 95

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They were completely tangled together and for once she didn't mind and really had no intention of moving any time soon.

Will wasn't supposed to have sex yet with his head injury. She supposed it fell under exercise. Though, unlike exercise, he'd only been told to supposedly wait until the 10-day mark just to make sure his mind had had time to heal and the ability to process any activity – not just sex - that would be shooting off at all different kinds of levels and demanding multiple parts of the brain. But things just hadn't really worked out that way. They were at day seven since he concussed. So she was hopeful that few day difference hadn't permanently damaged him.

But he wasn't moving at the moment. She didn't blame him, though. She wasn't really yet either. They'd been done for a while but her body was oddly still coming down and she could still feel a lot of her nerve-endings just alive and overly aware of her own skin, of him, of his smell and the scent of what they'd been doing, and of the sheets tangled around them.

It had been almost infuriating slow and gentle sex – but the pay off had been worth the delayed gratification in more than one way. Beyond the obvious, she'd been almost shocked at what a deeply emotional act it'd become. She really didn't think there were many other times in her sexual experiences where she'd faded away from the whole concept of two people and really settled into the experience of everything – their shared movement and breathing, the way he was looking at her so close and deeply and how she couldn't take her eyes off his face either - feeling so connected and just as one. The intensity of the orgasm that she'd eventually fallen over the edge into had just been the icing on the cake of the entire experience. Though, she almost hoped his experience hadn't be quite as mind-boggling – she didn't want to have scrambled his brain. Going slow had initially seemed to make slow sex seem like a safe bet for him – less exercise-y for him – but that was until she was still laying there feeling the intensity of it now.

"Are you falling asleep?" She'd whispered at him.

He stirred a little and then stilled.

"A bit," he mumbled. "You?"

"Not yet," she admitted. She felt him shift a bit – likely trying to roll off his back and to get to face her - but she tried to still him. "I don't want to move, Will. I want to stay like this a bit longer, unless you're uncomfortable."

He settled back down, though his hand had come up to her hair and started stroking it at the back of her head. "I'm good," he said. "What you thinking?"

"Mmm, lots. That if that's what marriage feels like, I could get used to it," she commented as a starting point and felt a quiet chuckle vibrate in his chest. "About telling Noah too."

"Yeah," he said. "How do you want to do that?"

"Together," she said. "I haven't figured out the rest yet. Likely not tomorrow – at least not before the open house. He'll be too overwhelmed with all that activity and excitement as it is."

She felt him move slightly, she assumed nodding, even though he didn't say anything.

His hand had moved to running his finger tips up and down her back. Her over-active nerve-endings were coming even more alive at the touch. And she nearly twitched under it - she couldn't decide if her body was feeling like it was being tickled or trying to shutter away from what shouldn't feel like such an intense touch when he was obviously being so gentle.

"Mmm, hon, that feels nice but everything still just feels so sensitive right now," she admitted. She felt him move his hand slowly back up her back and cupped her shoulder instead. She snuggled into his chest more.

"I think he's going to be happy," Will offered. "Depending on how much he wraps his head around the concept."

She gave a small nod against him. "He won't understand the concept of engagement. He'll understand it if we just present it as we're getting married. He'll have reaction to that." She just lay quietly for a while. "We have to let your family know too – your parents."

"Mmm, we can do that by phone," he mumbled.

She laughed. "You'll devastate your mom if you do it that way."

"Mmm, whatever. Easier."

She laughed.

His hand found its way to the ring that was still around her neck at that point.

"You think you're going to move it to your hand there, Liv?" He'd asked.

The only reason she hadn't yet was because she hadn't wanted to do it in front of Elliot and Kathy. And, another reality she wasn't sure she'd ever publicly admit was that after Will had flagged a cab down for them a couple blocks away from the arena, they'd gotten in and started making out like a couple of drunk college kids on the way home from clubbing. Stopping long enough to get in the door, check on Noah, pay the sitter and for Olivia to walk her half the block up to her parents' home had been hard and as soon as she'd gotten back, her and Will had immediately headed upstairs – she supposed to consummate the engagement. So the ring had stayed put for the timebeing.

"Mmm, yeah. Leave it until morning," she told him. "I'll let you do the honours – in daylight rather than fumbling around in the dark. I promise it, and me, will still be here then."

He leaned in for another kiss and they lingered together quite a while before he pulled away and settled back onto the mattress again.

"I know," he said softly.

"It's probably best for the prospects of our marriage to get it off this chain ASAP," she said. "Elliot had pointed out to me a while ago that St. Jude is apparently the patron saint of hopeless causes."

She felt Will laugh under her again.

"Yeah, I thought it was a little funny and kind of ironic that you were wearing that medallion – you're my hopeless cause. But it was made slightly worse that it's what you decided to put the ring on," he said. "I didn't think it was a good omen."

"You could've let me know," she suggested.

"Well, Elliot let you know apparently and it's still there," he pointed out.

She smiled. That was true. "It's kind of telling that you've been wearing the pendant around your neck for as long as I've known you too," she commented.

"Mmm, I'm pretty hopeless too. More telling? My Mom gave it to me."

She laughed. "You are definitely your parents' hopeless cause."

"Oh well. We can be hopeless together," he said and squeezed her shoulder again.

"I'm OK, though, if you want to wear it around your neck, Liv," he said. "If it's a work thing or a privacy thing - or just a preference thing. It wasn't about where you were wearing it – it was about needing to hear an answer from you. But let me get you a nicer chain, if you want to wear it as a necklace."

She shook her head against his chest. "I want it on my finger," she told him. "But I'm still keeping Hey Jude."

He laughed. "OK."

Her hand moved up to it. "I like having a piece of you with me."

She could feel him examining her and moved her head a bit to meet his eyes.

"What?" She asked.

"I just love you, that's all," he said.

She smiled at him too. "I love you too, Will. You make me very happy. I don't tell you that enough."

He grinned. "Or ever. But I know. You make me happy too."

**And that's likely going to be all until Tuesday, folks. Feedback, suggestions and comments are always welcome as a review or in a PM.**

**If there's anyone thinking the story is quickly coming to an end - no worries. There's still a bit more to go - got a couple other subplots to tie up: Noah, her job, the custody battle. And there's still a few twists coming up too. So thanks for your continued interest and for reading**


	96. Chapter 96

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was watching her son carefully. He'd expressed interest in having a pretzel and they'd gone over and got one for him before claiming a space on the grass not far from the Turtle Pond. As usual, they'd ended up over there so Noah could search for the reptiles. He'd had a lot of luck that afternoon – he'd spotted about eight. One seemed a bit bigger than what they usually saw and Noah had taken it upon himself to creep out as far to the edge of the water as possible, dangling off a tree, and just managing to get the toe of his one shoe muddy and soaked before she was able to grab him and pull him back. So, instead of the tree, he ended up basically dangling off her while she held him out a bit over the water so he could take a better look at the turtle. Her son's growth may have been stunted with everything he had endured but as he tried to lean out further and further and she worked at supporting his weight in the awkward position and not going for a tumble herself – she couldn't help but think he was getting a little too big for her – or she was just getting too old - to be his personalized, adjustable outlook station.

"You should be doing this?" She'd commented at Will, as Noah kept pointing and begging her to move a bit closer so he could see better.

He'd just smiled and taken Noah out of her arms, where she had him partially balanced on her waist, and had flipped her son upside down like he had weighed about 20 pounds and dangled him over the water.

"Can you see better now, buddy?" Will had teased him.

Noah giggled but ended up losing his cap in the water in the process, which involved some flailing as he tried to almost doing crunches to get back upright. After Will had allowed him to put his feet back on the ground, they'd then had to look around until they found a stick to fish the cap out of the pond. Noah hadn't seemed to care that it was wet and had tried to put it back on before she snatched it away from him stuffed it into the backpack on Will's back.

She sometimes thought she'd become way too domestic - going for an afternoon walk in Central Park on a sunny Sunday afternoon. They'd drag a backpack along filled with any medicine Noah might need, his emergency medical file in case they ended up having to run off somewhere, their warmer sweaters, a blanket to sit on, snacks, bottles of water, his action figures and usually a Frisbee or ball of some sort. Considering that before she had Noah she usually only left the apartment with some bills and her keys in her pocket – she sometimes still found it a little strange how much of a packhorse she'd become. At least she wasn't the one having to carry around the weight these days.

"Women might get stuck having to carry the kid around for nine months while they are pregnant," Will had commented to her once, "but it's the guy who has to carry all the rest of the junk for the rest of their lives. Who's really got the better deal?"

"At least you didn't have to squeeze something the size of watermelon out of you," she'd said back at the time.

"You had a C-section," he'd just meant off-handedly, but she hadn't liked it. She really would've preferred to have the chance to experience giving birth to her son the way nature meant it – since it was likely going to be her one-time chance. But things just hadn't worked out that way.

"You want the lurid details on what that involved and the recovery?" She'd spat back instead.

Will had scrunched up his face. He didn't deal with medical stuff, that he suspected involved large amounts of blood, well. "No thanks," he'd almost cringed. His squeamishness almost made her thankful he hadn't been around then. But she had allowed her mind to wonder on previous occasions what it would've been like to have Will with her there in the delivery room and at the surgery – and to help in the weeks and months after as she tried to recovery from the procedure and figure out how the hell to deal with a newborn and be a mother too. She imagined he would've made it all seem a little bit easier. It seemed to be something he excelled at.

But she did appreciate he served as their packhorse now. Especially anymore – when it felt like they brought a small medical clinic and half the playroom with them wherever they were going. The bag was even heavier on their weekend outings, which on Noah's good days could easily end up extending through the whole afternoon of them just wandering and resting and wandering and resting – as her son would play and then crash out next to them on a bench or on the grass before being ready to explore some more.

She'd really come to love living so close to the park and how easy it made family time and being able to take Noah out to do something outside of the house when he showed signs he felt well enough. Even on his so-so days, the park was now close enough for them that walking over there meant he'd still have some exploring, running around, or playground time before he just wanted (or needed) to head back home to the couch and Spiderman or Clone Wars – or better yet, a nap.

Noah was having a fairly active day that afternoon, though. She was a little surprised. He'd been off the walls with excitement all Saturday morning about his school's open house and spring fair. It had only increased after they got over to the building and there were carnival games and activities and food and people everywhere. After dragging them around showing them his classroom and the library and the gym and his class' contributions to the displays in each area, he'd about lost it in the little school yard and playground deciding what activities they should take part in. But it had turned out the whole day had basically turned into sensory overload for him and his fatigue-crankies started showing within about 90 minutes of their arrival. So they hadn't stayed long.

He'd crashed out for a good proportion of the afternoon after they did get home and had then surprisingly gone back down easily at bedtime. But all the rest had seemed to have done the trick. He seemed more cheerful and himself on Sunday – so after having a quiet morning, and no calls from work – thankfully, her was on-call that day – they'd decided to walk the few blocks to the park to get some fresh air. Well, as fresh as it comes in New York.

Now, though, despite wanting the pretzel, Noah seemed much more interested in breaking pieces off of it and tossing it toward a nearby squirrel. The squirrel, however, didn't seem too interested. She didn't blame it – pretzel carts in Central Park didn't exactly hand out top-quality food. Perhaps if the squirrel wasn't interested in ingesting it, she shouldn't be letting her son nibble away at it either, she'd thought. But she tried to seize on almost any opportunity where Noah indicated he was willing to eat anything. There were times they could be so few and far between.

"Sweets," she'd called out to him and he'd glanced back before breaking off another piece and tossing it – clearly thinking he was about to be told to stop and trying to get one last bit in. "Will and Mommy want to talk to you about something, come sit closer to use for a minute."

He glanced at her and started scooting his ass back towards them a bit before lifting his weight up onto his hands and crab-walking back, dragging what was left of his pretzel across the ground. She shook her head at the air as he did it and then took the dirt and grass covered mess away from him as he got closer.

"Noah," she sighed at him, dangling it in front of him. "Now it really is squirrel food."

"Mom," he'd whined and tried to take it back but she'd just set it behind her for the moment.

"I want a hug," she told him seriously. "Do you know where I can get one?"

He huffed at her a bit but crawled the last foot to her before getting up on his knees and throwing his arms around her. She smiled as he settled against her and savoured it for several moments. She often wondered how long it was before little boys were too grown-up in their minds for hugs and kisses from their mommies. She dreaded that day a little. She gave him a small peck on his temple and rubbed his back but then moved her mouth to his cheek and did the blow-fish-fart-kiss that he so favoured.

He giggled but jerked away from her, breaking the contact, and wiped at his face. "Mommy," he'd groaned.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "I know, gross, right?"

He wiped more but then defiantly disagreed, "NO!"

There was no way he'd admit that blow-fish kisses were gross and have to give-up farting against her face every chance he got. She wasn't sure she wanted those to end anyways either, even if she did wish Noah would learn the art of the blow-fish kiss without the slobber.

"NO?" Will reacted to Noah's exclamation. "Maybe Mommy just didn't do it gross enough for you?"

He grabbed Noah under his armpits and pulled him onto his lap before placing a sloppy blow-fish-fart-kiss that about took up the entire side of her son's one cheek. He made about the loudest fart sound ever – and she was sure the people sitting nearby them were wondering what the hell was wrong with their family and why they seemed set on making farting noises against each other's faces. She'd just have to let them know that it was just because their family was especially awesome, she'd thought. She wasn't about to put a stop to it – especially with Noah now in fits of laughter and kicking to the point he was falling off Will's crossed legs.

Noah thought Will's ability to make the loudest, most disgusting fart sounds that she'd about ever heard – was amazingly hilarious. Only boys, she'd decided long ago. She didn't think she'd ever quite understand what was so funny about passing gas or the ability to make sounds like it.

Noah finally calmed and started to sit up a bit between the both, now covered in the starts of spring grass, but all smiles.

"You know, Noah, I kind of love you a stupid silly," Will told him seriously.

Noah didn't even look at him and just said, "Yeah," like it was about the obvious statement in the world.

Will glanced at Liv and shook his head. She was clearly trying not to laugh at Noah's non-reaction to that statement too.

"Yeah?" Will had said back to him questioningly.

Noah glanced at him with a funny look. "You say it always," he'd just said, now playing with a little twig he'd found in the grass.

"Always?"

Noah nodded. "Yeah – bedtime, morning, always."

Will laughed. "OK. Well, did you know I love Mom a stupid silly too," he offered.

Noah shrugged. "Yeah, you say that always too."

Now it was Olivia's turn to laugh.

"Mmm," Will had said, as Noah worked a breaking the twig into multiple little pieces. "Well, since I say it always anyways, I was thinking that I should marry Mommy. What do you think of that?"

Noah glanced at him and then glanced over to his mother. "Why?" He asked.

"It's kind of what grown-ups do when they love each other," Will offered.

Noah examined him and then shrugged. "OK."

Olivia smiled. Well, that hadn't gone exactly as they'd imagined, she doubted – at least it wasn't really what she'd expected.

"Sweets, do you understand what being married is?" She asked.

He looked at her considering it. "Kids' moms and dads at school are married."

She nodded. "Yeah, sweetheart, in a lot of families the mommy and daddy are married. It's part of being a family. Will is telling us that he really, really wants to be part of our family."

Noah considered that again, pulling out some more grass and jamming the bits of twig into the ground. "But we are a family, Mommy?" She wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question.

So she took a hold of his hands, stilling them until he brought his eyes to hers. "We are Noah – but this would make it official," she told him. "It's Will saying to us he's going to be a part of our lives always, always."

Noah looked at her, knitting his brow.

Will looked at Liv and scooted around so he was sitting facing Noah too.

"Noah," he said, "I'd really like to marry your Mommy and for her to be my wife. Mommy and me – we'd be husband and wife. But it also means I'm asking you to be your daddy."

Noah kind of gazed at him and glanced over to his mother and then quickly crawled into her lap. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his temple.

"What do you think of that idea, Noah?"

Her son had suddenly gotten very shy and was look at Will almost suspiciously.

"Will is like a daddy," he tried to whisper to her.

She nodded. "He is," she agreed. "But he's a really good daddy and he'd like to be your real daddy. He'd like for us to get married so we can all be a family – with a mommy and daddy and an amazing little boy."

Noah looked up at her. Will watched him and reached out and griped his shoulder.

"Is that OK with you, Noah?"

Noah shrugged.

Liv looked at him. "Will just gets a shrug?" She asked.

Noah looked at her with big eyes again. "He'd be the daddy?"

She nodded. "Will will be your daddy," she told him.

"You'll still be mommy?" He asked quietly.

She smiled at him. "I will always, always, always be your mommy," she assured him. "Even when you're all grown up and as big and strong as Will – I'll still be your mommy."

Will stroked his cheek. "Noah, can you come sit with me for a second?" He asked.

Noah shyly clung to Olivia. "I think you should, Sweets," she offered and he reluctantly moved to Will's lap.

Will looked at him and hugged him tightly. Noah was still gazing at his Mom. "What's scary, buddy?" He asked.

Noah glanced at him. "Do you know how to be a real daddy?"

Will tried not to laugh. Though part of him was vaguely insulted by the innocent question from the mouth of babes. Another part of him had to admit he wondered if he really knew how to be a daddy. He had kind of been making it up as he went along in his male role-model status in Noah's life.

Olivia gave him a smile, though, and rubbed her son's back. "Noah, Will definitely knows how to be a real daddy," she said, making sure to make direct eye contact with Will as her said it.

"Haven't you told me all the things that Will does that is just like a daddy?" She asked her son.

He nodded. "But how does he become real, Mommy?"

She smiled. "Well, to start, sweetheart, Mommy says yes to his proposal – so Will can be my husband and so he can be your daddy."

Noah looked at her. "Why didn't you just say yes before then?"

She smiled again and examined the ground a little embarrassed by the question. "Well, Will just asked me a while ago." It was the best she could offer. She didn't want to admit that there had been times over the past year where she'd kicked herself about taking so long to let Will in and allow him to be more than just a friend. It didn't need to take this long, she told herself. Though, another part of her knew that it wasn't just her that had needed the time – Will had too.

Noah glanced up at Will and settled his back against his chest well he thought about that. "Why didn't you ask before?"

Will snorted. "Grown-up rules are silly, Noah. First me and Mommy had to be friends and then me and Mommy had to be boyfriend and girlfriend and then I was allowed to ask – so then after we get married, Mommy and me will be husband and wife and your Mommy and Daddy."

"It's like levels," Noah offered.

Will laughed. "A little, sweetheart. I would like to go to the next level now. I've worked really hard to be ready to level up."

Noah rubbed his cheek against Will's chest thinking about it. "Then you'll be Daddy?"

"I can be Daddy any time you want, Noah," he said seriously, looking at him and glancing and Olivia, who gave him a small nod of approval. "And, I can keep being Will as long as you want too."

Noah looked at his mother. "How do we get married?" He asked.

She smiled at his use of 'we'. "Well, Sweets, we'll have to all go and sign a piece of paper saying that we love each other very much and want to be a family and will take care of each other – and then we'll have a little ceremony where Will and I say it out-loud. And then after that we'll likely have a little party with Nana and Popa and your uncles and aunts and cousins. Uncle Elliot, Unkie Munchie. All the people important to us."

"A party?"

She nodded. "To celebrate us being a family and Will being your real daddy. And Mommy and Will getting married."

Noah scrunched up his face in thought again. "Is there cake?"

Will laughed. "There will definitely be cake."

"Chocolate?"

Olivia was now trying not to laugh. "That can be arranged, sweetheart."

"Will there be quesadillas?"

That put an end to holding in the laughter and she squeezed his hand. "Sweetheart, it wouldn't be a wedding reception without quesadillas."

Will laughed harder. He rubbed Noah's arm. "So what do you think, buddy?"

Noah looked to his mother again. "I think we should say yes," she told him, nodding – and Noah nodded against Will's chest in agreement. "Yeah?" she asked and he nodded again.

She lifted the ring around her neck out a bit for Noah to take real notice of – when she'd gone to move it on Saturday morning, Will had suggested they leave it until they talked to Noah and she'd agreed.

"Will gave me a ring to show me how much he cared about us and how much he wants to be part of our family forever," she told Noah. "But now that we're going to get married, I should put it on my finger. Do you want to help?"

Noah glanced between her and Will – and then nodded. She smiled and reached behind her neck to unclasp the chain. She met Will's eyes as she took it off and threaded the ring off the chain. His eyes were dancing. She smiled at him and handed him the ring.

He weighed it in his hand and looked at it – showing it to Noah and letting out a deep breath.

"It's sparkly," Noah said.

Olivia smiled. "It is, isn't it?"

Will kissed the top of the boy's head – and took Noah's hand and placed the ring into the centre of it.

"OK, buddy, I'm going to hold Mommy's hand and you're going to put it on her finger for me," he told him. "This one," he wagged his own ring finger at the little boy- and then reached out to take Olivia's hand. She let him and kept his eyes. Will looked so ridiculously happy. She hoped she was returning the joy she was feeling in the way she was looking at him too.

She looked to Noah. "OK, Sweets, let's start making us a family," she told him.

Noah fumbled a bit but managed to get the ring onto her finger – with Will using his other hand to help slide it into place. She just kept looking down at it. Seeing it on her hand was so different and it took quite a while for her to break her eyes away from it. She likely wouldn't have if Will hadn't dipped in for a kiss. He kept it brief in front of her son – though she saw the happiness in his eyes as he backed away from her. He kissed Noah's temple and she leaned forward to give her son a small peck on the lips too.

She showed him the ring. "Good job, Noah."

He grabbed at her hand to look at it some more. "So now we're a real family?" He asked, pushing at it on her finger a little too roughly.

"Almost, sweetheart, now we're engaged. We're already real, though," she glanced at Will. "We're just almost have it as official for everyone else."


	97. Chapter 97

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They were doing their usual morning dance around the kitchen as they attempted to avoid crashing into each other as they poured their coffees, ate their breakfast and he put together his lunch.

It was usually a quiet time for them. They rarely talked while going through the motions of their little routines – despite how closely the little space forced them to be. But Will had quickly learned that it usually wasn't worth trying to have much of a conversation with Olivia in the morning. Most her concentration was set on getting into whatever frame of mind she needed for what she was going to go in to face at work that day. The little bit that was left over was saved for Noah and working at getting him ready and out the door. The tiny sliver that was left after that was used for getting some food into her own belly – which he never really wanted to interrupt. He really doubted she did a good job at remembering to eat while at the office, unless her partner suggested lunch during a lull in the day. He knew that wasn't a daily occurrence at all. So she'd often arrive back home in the evening having only eaten whatever it was she managed to swallow at breakfast.

But it had been a weird week for them so far. It really had felt like they were mostly just passing in the night. He supposed that was normal for two professional people with a little boy at home – but it bothered him. Beyond that he felt like he had a pile of things building up that he needed – or at least wanted – her input on and that just wasn't happening.

"Noah," she stuck her head out the kitchen doorway again and yelled down the hallway. "What is taking so long down there? We are out the door in 15 minutes. I want your butt at this table – eating your toast. Now."

She settled back against the counter and continued slowly eating her yogurt. He wasn't sure he'd seen anyone eat a frickin yogurt cup that slowly and he wasn't overly impressed that it looked like all she was planning on eating that morning – besides the glass of juice she had sitting there, untouched.

She glanced at him – likely feeling him look at her – and then flipped over her wrist to look at her watch.

"You know you're running late, right?" She told him.

"You're managing my schedule now, are you?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I guess someone has to," she said. "It's Wednesday. I thought you had an 8:30 on Wednesdays?"

He shrugged and glanced at his own watch. He knew he was going to be pushing it – and it was his third-year class that seemed to still think the five-minute rule still applied at the university level. There'd been one time where he'd been running a little late after the faculty dean had cornered him in his rush from his office to the lecture hall. He'd arrived seven minutes tardy to find three kids left sitting in the classroom. The rest had taken off thinking he was sick or just not showing. He'd been beyond unimpressed – and made sure they knew at the next class that he was. He'd laid on an extra week's worth of assignments for them to work on and made clear that if he was going to be out for a day, someone would be in to put a note up or send out a group email or to teach the class. They were wasting their own time and money if they decided to leave when he was just running a few minutes late. So he was hoping he wasn't going to have a similar outcome that morning.

"I kind of need to run some things by you," he'd ventured.

She barely looked at him. He really wondered how much she was even listening versus running her own work stuff through her mind. "OK, shoot," she said, though.

He jammed his spoon around his granola and considered her for a moment.

"They lost their lecturer for one of the summer courses. I've been asked if I want to pick it up," he said and glanced at her over the top of his downcast glasses.

She apparently had been listening, because she did look at him. "I thought you were going to focus on your research over the summer semester," she said before taking another spoonful of her yogurt.

He shrugged. "It'd be some extra cash."

"Yeah, how much extra after taxes?" She snorted.

Olivia had become quite the expert in the value of time since Noah had been sick. Though money was tight – time was tighter and often seemed to have more value than money in her mind, and she'd pointed out it was something they couldn't be taxed for. Anymore she often seemed to feel putting in billable hours – and the time that involved – was only them being punished both ways. They'd be losing that time at home and with Noah and after the government had their way with their pay cheques, she didn't feel there was much left to show for having made that sacrifice. Her time, Noah's time, family time. It all had some sort of complicated and unstated value that he only partially understood though definitely appreciated. But he'd somehow missed out on the memo and the cryptology key on how to figure out where on the scale certain things fell.

"We could use the money," he just stated. "Any money."

It was true. A sick kid wasn't cheap. When it was combined it with living in the city and everything else going on in their respective lives and budgets, which he supposed would soon be joined in some manner (at least more officially than they already were), the reality was some months they were really just kind of scrapping by.

She glazed at him considering it. "Is it a course you already have all the materials prepped for?"

He shook his head. "It's not something I usually teach – but it's just a probability course. It's nothing fancy. I've taught similar stuff before."

She shook her head. But then shrugged. "Will, it's up to you," she sighed.

He crushed at his cereal more. "OK. I guess I'll think about it a bit more," he said. He'd kind of hoped for more out of her on the matter. But he suspected the shaking head had been the real answer even if she wasn't going to talk it out with him.

"The other thing is that I got invited to go and do a presentation at a conference," he told her and saw her nod, though she was again eyeing the doorway and he could tell she was readying to holler at Noah again. "It's in Montreal," he added and she again glanced at him.

"Oh yeah?" She smiled. "You thinking you're going to do that one?"

"I was thinking I might if you wanted to come. Have you ever been?"

"Not for years," she said. "But I couldn't go now anyways. Money, work, Noah."

He sighed. "I've thought about it. I'd get put up on a hotel room – so there's no expense there. I'd have a per diem for food – that'd help. Rather than fly up, I could ask to be subsidized instead and drive. We could borrow one of my brothers' cars."

"And it's in the middle of the week, right?" She said.

He sighed and nodded.

"I can't just be taking time off in the middle of the week right now. I just took holidays. I'm taking days off every week. Noah doesn't have a passport anyways," she said. "I'm not even sure if we can take him out of the country while the custody suit is still ongoing."

"We could leave him with my parents," he suggested. "Maybe we can't afford to go to Paris right now – but we could pretend – for now. Good as?"

She allowed him a smile. "I don't think Quebec and France really compare. And I'm not leaving Noah alone right now. You know that's not happening."

He sighed again and nodded.

"You should still go," she offered.

"Nah, these things are boring as fuck. It's the stuff you do outside of the conference hours that are fun. I don't want to be wandering around the city alone."

"Wander with your science-y, math-y, geeky friends from the conference," she suggested.

"You just made it sound that much better," he almost groaned. "Thanks, Liv."

"Anything I can do to help," she smiled and moved back into the doorway. "NOAH! Breakfast! Now!"

"I'm NOT hungry," Noah had screeched back from his room.

"Do you want me to count to ten?" She'd yelled back and Will then heard movement in the hallway and Noah appeared and defiantly sat at the dining room table and crossed his arms pouting at the long cold toast that Liv had sat on a plate at his spot.

"Do you want cereal instead, sweets?" She offered. But he just shook his head. "We aren't leaving this house until you have something in your belly so you better think quick about what you're going to eat for breakfast."

She came back into the kitchen with him and opened the fridge door to scout out the other options for her son. There weren't a lot. One of them needed to do a bit of a necessities run on the way home from work that night.

"Last thing is about him," Will said, nodding his head towards the serving window.

She glanced up from the fridge, where she'd pulled out a jar of apple sauce. "What?" She asked, with a touch of concern.

"Mom wants to know if we want to do his birthday there," he said flatly.

She looked at him and nearly laughed before saying, "No, no, no, no, no."

"Well, I can't exactly tell her that," he sighed.

She shrugged. "Why not?"

"Liv, com'on. You know she'll want a larger explanation than just no."

She looked up at him as she spooned some of the apple sauce into a dish. "The explanation is that it isn't about them. It's Noah's day. It's our fucking day – after the year we've had. I don't want to be stuck over there and doing it on their terms."

"She's going to want to know what we're doing instead if I just say no," Will pushed.

"Then tell her we'll let her know when we have the details ironed out," Liv glared at him.

He sighed. "Well what the hell are we doing?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. We still have like a month to figure that out. How the hell can we plan anything? We have to go day-to-day with him. More reason I don't want to have to go and endure some crazy hoopla over there," she told him, stepping outside the doorway and putting the apple sauce in front of Noah. "Sweets, what do you think of that? Want me to put some butter and cinnamon on the toast for you?"

Noah examined the apple sauce for a moment and then nodded at her suggestion. She brought the toast back into the kitchen with her. Will handed her the vegan margarine out of the fridge.

"Maybe you could talk to her," he suggested.

She glared at him. "She's your mother."

"He's your son," he said.

"Oh, yeah, he's 'my son' when it's you not wanting to have to deal with disappointing your mother," she said as she spread the spread onto the dry toast.

"Com'on Liv, I disappoint her all the time. It's your turn. Just make up some excuse that's better than no, no, no, no, no and avoid calling an event at their house 'hoopla'."

She glared at him.

"Maybe well you're on the phone too – you can talk to Dad. He wants us to go camping."

"You're fucking kidding?"

Will shrugged. "Could be fun."

"You want to spend time with your parents in a tent in the middle of no where? That sounds like fun to you?"

"Well, I don't think they were thinking the middle of no where, Liv. I think it was more like somewhere out on Long Island."

"I did enough sleeping in tents to last a lifetime while I was undercover," she said. "I'm not going camping."

He looked at her. "You slept in tents while you were undercover? What the hell where you doing?"

She looked at him. "Classified."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. OK – well just think about it. Because they're going to be bugging us about that all spring and summer too."

"Will, we can't take Noah camping. Be serious. Tell them he has fucking leukemia. Ask us about it in another two to four years."

He sighed. "OK. I suppose this is a bad time to bring up the trip to Boston again too?"

She glared at him, picking up the toast. "You are really wrecking my morning sweet-spot here," she told him as she put the food in front of Noah.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Take it as a get your ass out of my kitchen and go the hell to work," she said over her shoulder to him.

"Swear jar," Noah told her, pointing at her with deadly serious eyes.


	98. Chapter 98

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You can sit down, Olivia," Dr. Ashley offered but the detective continued to stand over near her desk, arms cross defiantly. "Whether you stand, sit, talk or not – we'll still be spending 90 minutes together today, detective," she offered again. "I'd suggest sitting might at least be more comfortable, even if you think you'd prefer to spend this time just staring at each other."

Detective Benson had already spent the first five minutes of their appointment making clear on no uncertain terms she was unimpressed with the recommendations that she participate in the counseling program – despite having indicated that she'd be willing to participate, if it meant she could keep her job in special victims.

Dr. Ashley examined her again. "You understand these are private sessions, Olivia? No reports are being written. But I can make recommendations out of them – just in terms of your ability to do your job and when you are ready to leave this program."

"How many weeks am I going to have to waste my afternoons having to come up here?" The detective demanded at that.

"You might want to work on that attitude about the program, if you want to help accelerate the process," was all Ashley offered in terms of timeframe.

"So I'm fit enough to do my job, according to you – but just not fit enough to do it without talking to a shrink?"

Ashley tapped her pad on her knee again and again gestured at the couch across from her. "Please sit down, Olivia."

The detective screwed up her face in anger and decision but did move over to the couch and lowered herself into it. She didn't settle back into it, though, keeping her weight near the edge so she could quickly make her departure as soon as that option was granted.

"I would recommend anyone dealing with some of the challenges currently occurring in your life participate in counseling," Ashley offered as she sat. "This isn't about your current fitness in your position – it's about maintaining it."

Olivia rolled her eyes and gave no retort back. She then sat glaring at the psychologist for several minutes.

Ashley finally asked, "So, what's up? What would you like to talk about?"

Olivia snorted at that. "We're just going to have a little chit-chat are we?"

"If that's what you'd like," Ashley offered. "These sessions are fairly informal. We'll be talking about coping strategies as we go along and checking in on how you're dealing with your work and life mentally and emotionally – but we don't have a set agenda. So why don't we just start with whatever you feel like talking about today?"

She let that sit with Olivia for a while. She could see that the woman across from her was considering it but still made no effort to start the session rolling.

"Have you and Noah done anymore crafts lately?" She offered as a starting point.

Olivia glared at her – clearly unimpressed that information from their previous session, that had been used as a fact-finding mission for the report that resulted in this little mandatory weekly pow-wow, was being used against her.

"No, we haven't really had time for that lately," she almost growled.

"That's too bad," Ashley said. "It sounds like something you really enjoy doing with your son. Are things busy at home right now?"

Olivia shrugged. "Things are always busy at home."

Ashley nodded. "Is that something you might like to work on?"

"No."

Ashley nodded again and made a note. She looked at Benson again. She had the if-looks-could-kill glare mastered. The doctor actually thought she had it down better than some of her male patients.

"You know, Olivia, I while I was going through your file ahead of our session today, I was thinking that you must've had to miss some work too back when your son was born. I was hoping we might be able to talk a bit about how you handled that back then."

Olivia looked at her, "How I handled it?" She spat sarcastically.

"Having a new baby and coming back to work is never easy," Ashley offered.

Olivia shook her head and made no comment.

"How much maternity leave did you take?"

The detective sighed. "Sixteen weeks."

"Sixteen weeks? That's not very much," Ashley prodded.

"I was entitled to eight paid. That's a two months extra. I didn't have another pay cheque coming in to support us. I went back to work."

"Who looked after Noah for you when you came back?"

Olivia didn't really want to talk about it. The whole maternity leave thing was a joke. It was a matter of staying off and getting to be with her baby – and not getting paid. Or going back to work and paying out the majority of her pay cheque to the babysitter and daycare to the point that she might as well not be working. It had been a hard period. She wanted to be home with her son. She hated that she was missing things, she worried about him constantly, she wondered if he was bonding with someone else, if it would affect their relationship, if he was being cared for properly. But she'd also hated being away from work. It had driven her a little nutty and been an even more difficult eye-opener for her of just how much she was the job. Even with a beautiful little baby at home she still couldn't pull herself away from the victims.

Beyond that – she knew she needed to go back ASAP after her son's birth if she wanted to maintain her position and seniority. The NYPD didn't excel at just waiting around for their detectives to get their personal lives in order. That was glaringly obvious again right now with Noah being sick. She knew that if she didn't have the support and basically affection of Captain Cragen she really wouldn't have had the leeway she did when she had her baby – nor now. She also knew the fact she was a woman and had to even take a maternity leave was being held against her on some level.

The fact she now had a son and if that impacted her ability to work would be monitored for the next 18 years, she knew, if she stuck around for the entirety of Noah's childhood. She didn't want to give them anymore to hold against her or above her – so she did her best to prove that her having a baby wasn't a work issue as quickly as possible. It had made her fell like a bad mother, though.

"I had babysitters," she said flatly.

"Did you take time off ahead of him being born as well?" Ashley asked.

She rubbed her eyebrow. "I'd planned to. My doctor had recommended I move to bed rest after I reached 37 weeks until his arrival. But I had a bit of an unexpected complication and he was born a little early."

"Was he in the NICU?"

Olivia examined the floor. "Just for 10 days. He wasn't that early. Almost thirty-six weeks."

"Having watched him go through that must've made it even harder to come back to work." It was more of a statement than a question.

She shrugged a little and continued to examine the floor. "He was fine by the time I headed back to work. He was a healthy baby. There weren't any complications with him after we got out of the hospital."

"Until now," Ashley had stated but the detective didn't bite at the bait – even to point out that her son having a pre-term birth wasn't at all related to his leukemia.

"Did you have much help at home after Noah was born?"

She glanced at her from whatever she was contemplating on the floor. "People checked in on us."

"His father was never involved?"

Olivia just shook her head and offered no further explanation.

"That must've been hard too." Another statement rather than a question.

"I don't see what this has to do with my job," Olivia spat that time.

"Well, these sessions aren't directly about your job, Olivia," Ashley stressed again. "They're about ensuring your mental health so you're in the continued position to do your job. We're just checking in with you."

"On a weekly basis?"

"For now."

Olivia shook her head and rolled her eyes again.

"You have a lot more help now than you did then?" Ashley tried to direct back to their line of conversation.

The detective shrugged. "I suppose."

"Will? His family? You'd mentioned them at our previous session."

She nodded. "Yes."

"How long have they been a part of you son's life?"

She rolled her eyes again. "Ah. Will since he was two and I guess we were introduced to his family – I don't know six or eight months later."

"Is your son close with Will?"

"Jesus Christ," Olivia glared at her. "What does this have to do with anything?"

Ashley didn't answer that time and instead sat making some notes and waiting for Olivia to decide if she would talk.

"Yes, Noah is close to Will," she finally said.

"How does that make you feel?"

Olivia made an exasperated sound and glared at her. "Happy."

"Happy?"

"How is it supposed to make me feel?"

"Threatened?"

Olivia laughed. "I don't feel threatened by Will's relationship with my son. I want my son to have a male role-model – a father."

"Who is Noah closer to? You or Will?"

"This is ridiculous," Olivia spat. "I'm his mother. He's closer to me."

"Who gets to spend more time with him? You'd said Will works at the university?"

Olivia leaned forward. "I take real issue with anyone – ANYONE – who thinks that I put my job before my son. That is not the case – and it will never, EVER, be the case. Noah comes first."

"But you still aren't willing to give up special victims unit for him?"

Olivia glared at her. "That is not about Noah. You don't have to give up every piece of yourself to be a mother. Being an SVU detective does not affect my ability to be a damn good mother to my son."

"It does impact your hours, though, the time you get to be with him."

"I have always been conscious of how my schedule affects his life and have ALWAYS done my best to mitigate that. When I am home – I am home, just like when I am at work, I am at work. My home time is his."

"It impacts your mental and emotional state, which would then impact how you interact with him," Ashley threw out instead.

Olivia snorted. "I won't argue that my work impacts my mental and emotional state at times. You know – I think we'd have a real problem here if it didn't. But how it impacts how I interact with my son? As far as I'm concerned, dealing with all these countless victims over the years, it has made me a better mother. I've learned more empathy. I've learned about inner strength and the ability to overcome. I've learned about the need to persevere. I've learned what real fear and hurt is. I've learned a lot of life lessons here that I can pass on to my son. And – you aren't going to convince me that I've in some way damaged him by being a detective where I help people every fucking day – where I get people who could potentially hurt him or other children, other women, off the streets. My son is an emotionally healthy, well-balanced, happy little boy. And – he loves that I'm a police officer. My job has not damaged my ability to be a mother. It made me want to be a mother."

"Wanting to be a mother and being one can be two different things, though, can't they?"

Olivia stood up. "I'll see you next week."

She made sure to slam the door on her way out.


	99. Chapter 99

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Cragen pounded on the window of the interrogation room, signaling to his detectives that he wanted them to come out.

They'd been in and out of there with the suspect for hours doing their little song and dance. They weren't any closer to breaking him and the clock was ticking. They could only hold him for so much longer. If the guy asked for a lawyer, he'd be walking. They didn't have enough.

Benson and Stabler came into the room. She sighed loudly as she came around to watch the suspect from the one-way window while her partner just let his anger roll off of him.

"Cut him loose," Cragen said.

"Cap, we just need some more time. He's the guy," Elliot protested.

"Cut him loose," he said again. "We don't have enough. You're going to go back out and do some more detective work. We'll bring him back in when we get more to connect it to him."

"Captain," Olivia sighed.

But he held up his hand stopping her and she crossed her arms and gave him an extremely unimpressed look.

He'd called both of them in after the suspect got collared for some shoplifting – opening up the opportunity for them to have a chance at him. But that had been around 8 p.m. the night before.

They were cops – he knew they understood that it meant sometimes their time off, their family time – would be interrupted, that they'd lose night's sleep to a crime scene or an interrogation room, that they wouldn't get to go home on time, that they'd rotate through weekends and on-call periods and they were expected to work shifts that weren't 9-5 – doing midnights for weeks at a time was just part of the job too. Being a detective – especially a detective in a small unit like special victims - was long hours and shift work. It was just how it was. They all knew that.

Still, since Olivia's son had been sick and he had to call her away from his side – he always felt a small twinge of guilt, even though she never protested when those calls came in from him or the desk. She'd arrive – just like she was expected to, do the work and then often work through her regularly scheduled shift before heading back home to her little boy. No special treatment. It made him feel even worse that she was being put through such a wringer about being on the compassionate care leave agreement. She was so adamantly trying to keep up with what the job entailed and at this point so clearly just using the agreement for the days Noah really needed it – appointments, treatments and their fall-out.

He'd decided to call her cell before sending her a 911 page. But it had been Will that picked it up.

"She's just getting Noah down," was all he said without so much as a hello. "I'll get her for you."

He could hear the movement and almost instantly known when her boyfriend (he'd clued into now fiancé with the movement of a ring to her finger though Olivia hadn't yet said anything about the matter to him) must've reached the little boy's room. He could hear his detective reading in a soft almost sing-song voice to the child and he'd almost had the urge to hang-up and call back in another half an hour or so.

"Your Captain is on the phone," Will had said.

He'd heard more movement and then her little boy protesting: "Mommy, no, I want to finish the chapter."

"Will is going to finish it with you," he'd heard her say.

There was more protests from the little boy but she must've moved out the room and the upset and what sounded like the start of tears began to fade further into the background.

"Benson," she'd said after a few more seconds.

He'd explained the situation to her and she'd almost instantly said she could be there in about 30 minutes.

"You can finish up with Noah first," he offered.

But he could almost feel her shaking her head. "I'll be in in half-an-hour."

And she had been – and had stayed through the night – and now into the morning.

She looked tired. They all did.

He gazed at her. "Olivia, you had down on your expected sked that you planned to be out this morning with one of Noah's appointments. What time's that appointment?"

She sipped at a tea looking through the window as Elliot had gone back in for a final ditch effort before having to follow the captain's orders and let the guy walk out the door.

She shrugged. "10:20. I already called Will. He has it under control. I'm not clocking out."

"We're cutting the guy loose – go see your son," Cragen said, glancing at the clock. It was 9:35 a.m., she still had time to get there.

"I want to get back out the street and get enough to bring him back in here before he destroys evidence or finds a new victim," she'd glared back at him.

"Elliot can handle it for a couple hours," Cragen told her.

She shook her head. "It's my choice. I'm staying today."

Cragen watched her carefully for a moment. This was unlike her and her body language was telling him that she was torn about whether she should be staying or going. She shoulders were tense and even in holding the tea just below her chin between sips she was maintaining her defiant and defensive stance with her arms crossed in front of her.

"What kind of appointment is it?" He asked cautiously. He usually tried to tread away from any details unless she offered them herself, which happened sparingly.

She didn't glance right at him but nearly rested her chin on her shoulder as she considered it.

"It's a follow-up with his oncologist," she'd said quietly. "But we aren't expecting anything out of it."

"And you are going to give up being there for that to chase after this creep, Olivia?" He asked. "He may not even be the right guy."

"He's the right guy," she said.

"Elliot has it under control. You can come back after you're through."

She sighed.

"Olivia – go and be with your son. I'm telling you to. I'm not judging you walking out that door right now. I'm telling you both to cut this guy loose and for you to follow the expected sked that you handed in. Go."

She nodded slowly and put down her cup and headed for the door without saying anything more.

Cragen watched her for a moment. He knew she was likely already beating herself up over the fact that she had to be told to leave – that she had momentarily chosen chasing the perp over her son. He hoped she didn't berate herself too much.

He turned back to the interrogation room where Elliot was leaning over into the guy's face again. He banged on the window again.


	100. Chapter 100

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia had been cursing herself all the way to the hospital. She couldn't believe she'd allowed herself to get so caught up in an interrogation that clearly was going to hell – that she was willing to put her son on hold. She was becoming too complacent, she told herself. She needed to remember diligence. She couldn't let work creep in to the point that she was putting more important things on the backburner.

Skipping an oncology appointment? What the hell was she thinking? This wasn't a lab or art therapy or even a drip. It was a fucking update from his lead oncologist. What the hell was wrong with her? Why the hell hadn't Will put up a bigger fuss about her saying he should just take Noah? They were both becoming too complacent, she thought. Apparently cancer was becoming a little too routine for them. That scared her.

Will and Noah both looked up as soon as she came into the waiting room. She expected they were doing it whenever the door opened – she had texted Will to say she was on her way. But it still made her feel good to see them both smile at her and their eyes light up on seeing her.

Noah was off Will's lap and at her with his arms raised to be picked up near instantly. She reached down and gathered him, hugging him tight to her as she balanced him on her hip.

"Oh, I missed you, sweets," she told him, giving him a small kiss.

He buried his face against her neck. "Did you catch the bad guy, Mommy?" He asked quietly.

"Mmm, not yet, sweets. But we will."

Will had offered her his chair and she'd sat, settling Noah onto her lap.

It always made her a little sad to see how full and busy the waiting room was in pediatric oncology; all these parents and their children in varying degrees of illness. She could now pick out the terrified parents at the beginning of the journey with their children who didn't yet look ravaged by cancer and chemo. She wondered if she looked that scared a year ago when they walked into the room.

Despite the sadness that was in the room, there was also a sense of community. Everyone in there shared some sort of connection. They all were going through some of the same things – no matter what cancer their child was dealing with. There was something comforting about knowing they weren't in it alone. There was also a comfort – and even a bit of guilt – in looking around and knowing that they could be a lot worse off. Noah didn't look as sick as some of the children in the room. He was holding his own. He was doing OK, she told herself again – and she'd get to hear the oncologist say it that day she prayed.

Will was standing in front of her, having apparently become fascinated with running his fingers through Noah's tuffy-fine spots that vaguely resembled hair. She just watched him as he smoothed it out and then messed it up again before flattening it back down. She gave him a small smile.

"I'm glad you were able to get here," he said softly.

"Me too," she said and rested her cheek on Noah's head. Her son had turned his attention to fiddling with the buckle at the top of her jacket. He was quietly resting against her. "Did he sleep?"

"Does he ever sleep when he knows you're out?" Will said.

She sighed.

"Noah Benson," the orderly had called from the door leading into the back network of offices and exam rooms.

Olivia made eye contact with the young woman who she didn't recognize – just signaling that they were the family and not to grab the next file in their absence.

She nudged Noah off her lap and took his hand as she stood. Will followed in behind them and she had the sudden realization that her and Will hadn't been at any appointments together – not one like this. There'd been meetings in the hospital while Noah was hospitalized and some of the early chemo treatments when Noah started out-treatment they'd gone to together. But he hadn't been with her at any of the oncology appointments before.

He'd left it to her – and waited for permission to be at them. She had often handled going on her own and would relay the information to him later. She knew he likely would've preferred to be there – but she often didn't see the point of them both missing work. She also supposed it was a final effort in maintaining boundaries – a "He's my son" sign in an obvious way. Dealing with his medical appointments and information was her business.

She'd stripped off Noah's coat as the orderly got them in the door and wanted to record her son's weight. Noah was determined to get his shoes off himself and fiddled around with the laces before she sat him on the chair next to the scale and just pulled them off for him, handing them to Will to avoid her son deciding he needed to put them back on after.

She watched as the orderly took his weight and recorded it on her son's chart. He was weeks away from turning six and was just 37 lbs. She sighed. He'd lost about three pounds since the last time they were in. She thought he would've put on some weight with the steroids. But he also hadn't been eating well at all lately.

As she expected, he refused to walk down the hall to the exam room in his socked feet and she ended up hoisting him up again. Will settled himself against the counter in the exam room as she worked at getting Noah changed into a gown for his exam. Noah was being fairly compliant until it reached the point of putting on the actual gown.

"No. I wait like this," he protested, pushing away the gown she was holding out for him to put his arms into.

She looked at him – standing on the little stool of the exam table in his underwear and socks. She smiled. He looked cold and ridiculous. "You're cold, sweets."

He crossed his arms and shook his head. She tried not to laugh at him.

"Noah," Will said from where he was standing. "We had a talk about co-operating this morning, didn't we?"

Her son scowled in Will's direction, which again almost made her laugh, though she knew it was an inappropriate time.

"I'm not cold," Noah told Will louder than he needed to. Will just rolled his eyes and then removed himself from the conversation again to let her handle it.

She looked at the gown in her hands. "You don't like the clowns?" She asked and looked at the pile of other gowns sitting on the shelf next to the bed. "There's stars or animals. Want one of them?"

He shook his head some more. She wasn't going to fight with him but she took off her zip-up sweater and held it out for him instead and he instantly let her drape it over him. It hung down almost to his knees but at least it'd keep him warm. She stooped and zipped it for him, rubbing his arms and lifting him to sit on the exam table until the resident came in to do the initial exam.

She sat next to him – and he continued to lean against her. It was becoming more and more obvious that he'd been up all night stewing about her not being home. It really was easier when she got calls after Noah was asleep. If she got called out while he was awake he spent the time worrying about when she'd be home and asking about her – generally going into a tailspin.

The young resident that came in to do his initial exam was one they'd dealt with before. Dr. Anzac was smiley and friendly and made Noah giggle.

"Whoa, that's the nicest hospital gown I've seen all morning," he said as he came in and shot a smile at her and Will.

"It's Mommy's," Noah had offered as the doctor started feeling at the lymph nodes in his neck and across his chest and armpits.

"Really? I thought it didn't come from our stock. I would've never guessed it was Mommy's though," he said. He glanced over at Olivia and Will. "How's he doing?"

She gave him the usual spiel about Noah's typical struggles – fatigue, nausea, rashes, mouth sores, dry lips, mood swings, taste changes, lack of an appetite. The doctor had made some listening sounds as she talked. Flashing a light into her son's eyes and taking his temperature, pulse and BP. As she finished giving her general update, he just nodded and got her son to lay back, unzipping the sweater and feeling around his abdomen.

"I'm just checking his liver," the young doctor had told them. Olivia nodded but made a mental note of it.

"How's his pees and poops doing?" He asked while he was moving his hands around Noah and pressing down. Olivia shifted in the chair she was sitting in uncomfortably as he did it. She didn't imagine it was pleasant but her son had become compliant about these kinds of exams.

"His pees are good," she told him. "We keep him really hydrated."

"Colouring?"

"Yellow."

"Noticed it being any darker lately?"

She thought about it. "Maybe a little – but it's not brown or anything."

"What's he drinking these days?"

"Mostly water. We get some smoothies into him. A bit of the Pediasure and that medicated protein powder."

"Milk?"

"He won't do milk," she said. "Still. We get some yogurt into the smoothies for him."

The doctor nodded. "And his bowel movements? I'm just going to check his spleen while I'm poking around here too."

"A lot of constipation – followed by bouts of diarrhea," Olivia said and nodded.

"You guys are still doing the lactulose?"

She nodded but then realized his back was turned to her.

"Yeah, we still give him that following treatment days."

"You understand that that cycle is causing the constipation-diarrhea, right?"

She sighed. "Yes. It's just hard on him."

He turned to give her a sympathetic look. "Yea, but we've got to keep things moving through him. He can't be bunged up. The lactulose is doing its job."

She just nodded and Will gave her shoulder a squeeze.

"What about the colouring of his stools?"

She shrugged. "I guess, normal."

"Pale looking? Or clay coloured?"

"They've been yellow-ish," Will interjected and she glanced at him. "More yellow than brown."

"He been eating anything that might contribute to that? Curry? Cauliflower?"

They both shook their heads and he nodded again.

"And everything is good with the boys downstairs?" He glanced more at Will when he said it. "Any complaints or noticed any size changes or swelling?"

"He seems good," Will had responded but glanced at Liv to make sure she was comfortable with that answer too.

"Quick look?" He asked and Liv nodded. He took a peak and then directed his attention back to Noah.

"What about you big guy? How you feeling?" He asked.

"OK," Noah said.

"Yeah? How about on a scale of happies?" He made some faces at Noah ranging from happy to sad to cringing. Noah smiled and giggled a bit at his funny faces. "What do you think?"

"Like this," Noah had responded and made about the thinnest smile she'd seen.

"Hmm," said the doctor. "If one was super, super happy smiley and 10 was crying and crying. Where would that be? Maybe a five or six?"

"More cry-y than smile-y," Noah allowed.

The doctor patted his belly. "OK. You got any ouchies or icks you want to tell me about? Does anything hurt or do you feel like you want to throw up?"

Noah shrugged.

"Yeah? Because if you hurt or don't feel well, buddy, you know we can give you medicine to help with that."

Her son shrugged again.

"He still complains about joint aches especially in the morning," Olivia offered.

He looked at Noah seriously. "Where hurts, Noah?"

Her son touched his jaw, shoulders and elbows.

The doctor gently flexed his arm. "Does that hurt now?"

Noah shook his head.

He flexed his knee. "What about that?"

He shook his head again.

He looked at Olivia and went to look at something on Noah's chart on the computer. "What time of day is he taking the 6-MP?"

"Bedtime," she said.

He nodded and tapped away at something on the computer.

"Would you say more of his complaints are in the morning then?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. It can be hard getting him going in the morning some times – especially on his bad days."

He tapped something else into the computer.

"You guys didn't go do labs this morning?" He asked.

She glanced at Will. "Ah, no," he said. "Were we supposed to?"

The doctor nodded. "We've got a req sitting here for him that hasn't been followed up on. I'll check with the Doc. He may want you to go down and get them before he sees Noah."

Will sighed. "Sorry, I didn't realize."

The resident shrugged. "No worries. We've got his work up from last week. I'll check with Doc Covens. He might just send you down after he sees ya. You guys hang out. Someone will be back in in a bit. You take it easy, Noah," the doctor said as he headed out the door. "You can get him dressed," he tossed back over his shoulder.

"Sorry," Will said at Liv again as she got back up to get Noah back into his clothes.

She shrugged. "It's OK. I don't remember being told we were supposed to go get blood work done before the appointment either."

It felt like they'd been left in the exam room forever after that. She was starting to wonder if the incomplete lab requisition had created some confusion, and if she should go find one of the attending nurses and figure out what was going on.

She'd gathered Noah back into her lap in the one chair and he was almost drowsing and playing with the zipper on her sweater. Will had taken his preference for his mother's lap as an indication that he was allowed to claim the other chair and was just sitting beside her. They weren't talking but she saw his left knee doing it's nervous bounce – and she gripped his hand a couple times.

"Noah, Noah Balboa," Dr. Covens finally said as he entered the exam room and gave them a smile. He took a seat at the desk and scanned his hospital card and punched some things into the computer.

"So I've got all three of you today?" He smiled. "How you all doing?"

"We're pretty good," Olivia said. "He's been doing pretty well."

Dr. Covens nodded. "Yeah? You haven't noticed any problems at home?"

She raised an eyebrow and glanced to Will on her right. "Ah, nothing outside of the usual really."

"He's got a bit of jaundice," he said, pointing at Noah's eyes and the boy buried his face further into his mother's shoulder.

Olivia looked down at her son and rubbed his back and bounced her knee a bit for him. "I thought that was normal with the 6-MP."

Covens nodded. "It is. But, here, I want you to take a look at this," he turned the monitor towards them. He had their lab results from a few days before on the screen.

"We're seeing some changes in his liver tests. Increased bilirubin, increased liver enzymes. He has a bit abdominal swelling too," he said pointing to each result. "There's been a trend over the last while but it's starting to get out of what we had flagged as his reasonable range."

Olivia gazed at him. "So, what does that mean?"

"Well, we're putting his body through a lot. It's his liver that is having to process everything and sometimes it really struggles to keep up with everything when we're pumping these drugs into the kids," Covens said.

He looked at them seriously and adjusted the rolling chair so he was sitting looking at them more readily.

"Noah's ANCs are low right now too – he's dropped below 500. That combined with the liver – I want to put him on a chemo hold."

Olivia instantly shook her head. "No," she said.

"Olivia, Noah's body needs some time to recover right now," Covens said seriously.

"But we're into our fourth month of maintenance," she said. "We haven't needed a hold before."

Covens nodded. "Noah has been very lucky, Olivia. It is extremely normal for ALL patients to require a hold as they move from front-line treatment to LTM. But everyone's body rebounds from their front-line treatment differently. Noah's body could just be catching up with that now. His ANCs have been a rollercoaster, you know that. I was comfortable with that – but with it being well below 500 right now, and still trending downward, combined with what we're seeing in his liver – I think it's best to put him on a hold."

Will squeezed her hand. She was still shaking her head 'no' to that suggestion. "How long would the hold be?" Will asked.

Covens gave a small shrug. "It's hard to tell. It might be a week. The average hold is about 10 days. But it could go up to three weeks – maybe more. It really depends on when we start to see his levels and counts come back up."

"But he's in his fourth month of maintenance," Olivia said again.

Covens gave another nod. "Yes, and it is extremely normal for a patient to have multiple holds in their first year of maintenance. I've had patients that didn't need one until their last weeks of maintenance. Every case is unique. Noah having his first hold at the four-five month mark isn't unique," he stressed again.

"Does this put him at a greater risk of relapse?" She asked, holding her son to her tighter.

"No," Covens shook his head. "It doesn't have anything to do with that. You might find you enjoy the hold. The kids get a bit of a bounce as the drugs move out of their system."

"And then crash even harder when you start pumping it back into them?" She spat back more harshly than she meant to.

He looked at her seriously. "That can happen – but we will phase him back into the 6-MP over a period of weeks to get him accustomed to it again."

Covens tapped at the computer again. "You have him in school and out in the community a lot these days too, don't you?"

"Yes," Will had answered. "We try to keep his life as normal as possible."

"Should we have him home?" Olivia interjected quickly. "Does he have to be hospitalized?"

Covens shook his head. "No and no. Not right now. But we're going to be monitoring him more actively for the next while – if his counts dip further, we may want to talk about that some more. But since he is in school and out of the house – which is great – I think we should consider doing a blood transfusion. His ANCs are low and his palettes aren't great either. It would give his immune system a bit of a bounce – hopefully help him with his energy and with getting through these next couple weeks."

Olivia gaped at him. "We didn't even need to do a transfusion in the hospital," she said. Her mind was spinning. She couldn't believe she'd almost completely skipped this appointment. She would've never forgiven herself if she had.

He nodded. "I think Noah could benefit from one now, though. The lab work is showing us he's struggling. Your description of his symptoms indicates it as well. His exam. A transfusion him will help him. With it being spring and the change in temperatures and allergies and hay fever and everything else floating around – it's good to make sure he has that boost too."

Olivia looked at Will. He griped her hand. "It's OK," he told her. He could tell her mind was trying to process everything that was being said and it wasn't liking what it was hearing.

"If you want to do an anonymous donor, we can likely have him in tomorrow?" He offered but clicked on the computer. "We have you listed as his optimal donor too," he said. "If you want to do that, we could see about getting you down there today. But it would take a couple days to test and process and get Noah back in."

"We aren't doing an anonymous donor," Olivia said without even thinking about it. She'd thought about it before. It was a no-brainer at this point. "What does this even involve?"

Covens glanced at her from the typing on the computer. "It's just another IV for him. It will likely take about four hours. Do you remember if you donated blood for him while he was hospitalized?"

She nodded. "I thought so, yes."

He clicked around some more. "Hmm. I'm not seeing it listed in our system but we'll see. Either way, I think you should go down and give some more."

She nodded. "That's fine."

"We usually have a back-up ready to go in case the patient has a reaction to the donor blood too. We don't have anyone else listed. Will, I assume you didn't come back as a match?"

Will shook his head. "Yeah, I can't do it."

"So we'll get anonymous one ready just in case, unless you have someone else in mind?"

Olivia looked at Will. "Elliot and I have the same blood type," she told him. She saw his body language sink a bit at the suggestion. She knew he didn't like the idea of having to turn to her partner to help her son, if it was needed. That Will wanted that role – that he felt like Elliot had had the opportunity to come to the rescue of Noah too many times as it was. She knew Will despised it a little that Elliot had been around when Noah was born and had known her son as an infant – when he hadn't gotten the opportunity.

But Will nodded, "OK. Call him."

She looked back to the doctor. "I can have someone else come in to donate for back up."

He nodded and typed a couple more things into the computer. "OK. Listen, I want you to go down and get some labs re-run today too. The usual – but I'm running another liver panel to use as a baseline. I also want to re-do the 6-MP sensitivity test just to make sure he's OK with it. But Gina will be in with the paperwork for the rest of this – so just wait here."

He gave Noah another smile as he signed out of the computer. "Mr. Shy was bashful again today, eh, Noah Balboa? You keep being brave for Mom and Dad here," he said and softly touched the boy's shoulder.

He nodded to Will and Olivia as he stood up. "My office will give you a call after we've done some follow-up labs during the hold. I'll get him back in before we get him back on the chemo."

He disappeared out the door and Olivia looked at Will.

"I don't know what just happened," she said.

"It's going to be OK," he told her again and rubbed her shoulder and leaned forward to kiss Noah's head. "Right, little man?"

Noah nodded against her chest.

"Oh, Noah," she said and held him even tighter.

She wanted to tell him she was sorry. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to rip the unseen forces that were putting her son through this to shreds. She wanted to punch the wall and toss the exam room. But instead she just kissed her son's temple and whispered into his ear how much she loved him and how brave and strong he was. Braver and stronger than her, she thought.


	101. Chapter 101

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot pulled the curtain away from around the chair she was sitting in giving her donation and gave her a smile before sitting down in his.

"Looks like we get to be donor, buddies," he told her, rolling up his sleeve as the technician began to fuss around him.

She glanced at where her bag was collecting. "I think I'm almost done, so you might be stuck here all alone," she said.

"Aww, you wouldn't leave me just sitting here when I'm busy saving lives," he teased.

She gave him a small smile. "Thanks for doing this, Elliot."

He shrugged. "Now that offer to give you a kidney is off the table, right?"

She snorted. "Nah, I was planning on claiming all of your vital organs one at a time."

The tech finished what she was doing and left, pulling the curtain back around him. "Call if you feel lightheaded or need anything," she said.

Elliot nodded and looked back to Liv. "Will take Noah home?"

She rubbed at her temple with her free hand. "Yeah. He's tired. Long day for him."

"Long day for you too. Days. How long since you slept?"

She shook her head. It was pushing 48 hours. "I don't want to think about that. Did you make any progress on the case?"

"Nah," he shook his head. "Went back out with John and did some re-canvassing. Hoping Warner can get more in the lab. But it's not looking good."

"We had him," she said.

"We'll get him," he assured her. "He can't stop. He's going to make a mistake."

"Yeah, but how many more victims does he need to accumulate before we are able to really bring him in?"

Elliot shrugged. "We'll keep at it. Don't get yourself worked up. Your veins are going to stop pumping out that blood and you'll be stuck with me here longer than you think. What'd the doctor say?"

She shook her head and examined the ceiling. It was her upward gaze she'd begun using too often to try to force back tears. She was so tired and overly emotional with trying to process all the information.

"That his counts are low. That his liver is struggling. That he wants to do the transfusion to give him a boost and stop chemo to give him some rebound time. Reassess him. Run some more tests. Monitor."

Elliot examined her. "Are you doing OK?"

She brought her eyes back down and met his – and allowed a thin smile. "Yeah, I'm OK."

"You're allowed to not be OK."

"I'm OK, Elliot."

"You going to take a couple days?"

She shook her head. "No. He said we can keep up with his routine for now. That's what we should do. That's best for him," she sighed. "I'll take his transfusion day off, though. Maybe a day or two after that – will likely have him home then."

He didn't say anymore but he kept looking at her. She'd gone back to watching her line. She felt him staring at her and looked back over to him again.

"What?"

"It's a lot, Liv."

She shrugged. There really wasn't much she could say.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with all this," he offered.

She bit her lip and nodded, turning her eyes away from him and again examining the ceiling before he could see the tears.


	102. Chapter 102

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I feel like it's my fault," she said out of nowhere.

He looked down at her. He'd been telling her for the last two hours that she should go up and go to bed – to get some sleep. But she'd ignored him – favouring instead to lean against him on the couch and curl up on his chest.

They were watching the Yankees and they hadn't been talking. He figured they were both just trying to forget about the day – or at least not dwell on it. And he wasn't going to protest getting to spend time holding her. If she wasn't going to go lay down – he was happy to just sit with her. He had hoped that the slow game would put her to sleep anyways. But so far it hadn't.

"It's not your fault, Olivia," he said, moving his hand from where it had been just resting against her thigh to squeeze her shoulder and then touch her cheek.

"Some times it feels that way. Like I must've been too stressed during the pregnancy, or because I had him early or I'd been exposed to too many things – chemicals or radiation or whatever. That I passed some sort of defect onto him."

"Liv, nothing you did caused this," he said, only getting to look at the top of her head. "It just happened."

"Why did it happen?"

He sighed. "I don't know, Liv."

"It's like God or the Universe or Fate or whatever … just … just can't let me have something good. I mean, why Noah?"

He heard her voice crack and rubbed her back more. "Liv, it's not like that. You know that."

"I can't pretend tonight, Will," she said. She was crying now. "I can't pretend it's all OK – that he's going to be OK. I can't do the strong face tonight and the firm upper lip. I can't. I can't pretend it doesn't bother me. That it isn't eating at me. That I'm not scared."

He shushed her. "You're super overtired, Liv. You haven't gotten to lay in your own bed in nearly two days. Let's go upstairs and go to bed."

"I'm scared, Will. I'm really, really fucking scared that I'm going to lose my little boy. What if he's not OK?"

He bent over and kissed her temple and pulled her a bit more up his chest, trying to get her to look at him but she didn't want to.

"He's going to be OK, Liv. And, if he's not OK, I'll be here and we'll deal with it."

"I can't deal with that," she started sobbing and that did it for him. His own tears started coming down his face.

It was hard enough for him to hold it together most days too. It was devastating to see Noah look sick. It was even harder on his bad days or when they had to take him into the hospital and watch how he interacted with it all like it was normal. How they had to watch as they took blood out of him and poked and prodded him. And he how he had holes in his chest and no hair on his head and his frail little body. It destroyed him to see it.

It hurt him even more to think about it. But he tried to keep it as together as Olivia did – for Noah and also for her. If she could do it when it was her son – he should fucking be able to hold it together too.

But on the days – or nights – that she couldn't hold it together anymore either, it did him in too. He hated seeing the pain and hurt she was going through. The fear, the guilt, the questioning. He kept trying to fix it – trying to make it easier or figuring out the right thing to say. But what is there to say? What assurances could he provide? How could he really make it easier? He didn't know. And now she was sobbing against him – but refusing to look at him. He just wanted to fix it all for her – for Noah, for their family – and he didn't know what the hell to do.

"Liv, it's just a chemo hold," he said instead in a lax attempt to offer some type of assurance. "It's normal. We've talked about it before with the doctors. We've heard other parents at the caregiver group talk about it. I Googled it this afternoon. There's lots of chatter on the boards about it. It's normal. It's stressful – but it's normal."

"None of this is normal," she said. "This is not a normal childhood for him. It shouldn't be him having to go through this. And I can't fucking fix it."

"You fix it just by being there with him," he told her. "That's the important part. You're there with him – every step of the way. He knows that."

"He's so sick," she blubbered again.

He wiped at his own tears and stroked her hair. "He is – but he's strong, Liv. He's got all those fighter genes you gave to him. He's as stubborn as fuck, just like you."

"What if it's not enough?"

"Liv, you know we can't think like that. We have no reason to even be going in that direction of thought either."

"I just want him to be well. I just want to take the pain away for him," she said. "It's just not fair."

He nodded. "I know, Liv. I know."


	103. Chapter 103

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia knew that colouring could be therapeutic – they used it enough with the child victims at work. But she supposed she'd never truly realized how much it was until her son had so latched onto it while being sick – and in how she'd been dragged into it as well. She found it kind of fascinating how Noah would happily sit with crayons and a colouring book for long periods of time while they were in the hospital. He'd often even pick doing that over his DS or a movie on the iPad when given the chance.

With the variety of free colouring pages they could print off the Internet anymore, she barely ever even needed to buy him colouring books. There was an endless supple just a click away. Sometimes she felt a little ridiculous – if she stumbled across some colouring page she'd just print it out and file it away. She had a drawer full of them at work too – to go along with the piles they had sitting at home. The first few times she'd hit the print button at work when she'd happened upon something she thought her son might like – it'd been other's that made it to the printer first. There'd been a bit of teasing – especially from Fin. But now if one of the pages showed up – whoever gathered it would just wordlessly deposit it on her desk without so much as a comment anymore.

She thought that at least her son may come away from all of it with some artistic skills. He sure wouldn't have inherited that from her. She didn't know Kurt to have any of those skill sets but it was never really something they would've ever talked about or explored. But Noah was good at visual things – from his Lego building to his obsession with making his own little creations when set at the dining room table with PlayDoh or plasticine. It was one of the reasons she enjoyed doing little art projects with him too.

Even though he still often needed help managing the scissors, if it was something a bit more complicated, she found it a lot of fun to sit and watch his imagination at work and what he'd come up with; to hear him assert what was right and wrong and to watch his preferences. She'd sometimes ask him why he was picking one decorating option over another or why he was favouring one colour over another. His reasoning was often hilarious.

Colouring wasn't exactly an artistically demanding activity – but he was sitting in his IV chair, hunched over the table they'd wheeled over for him – in complete concentration. His brow was knit and had his tongue just hanging out of his mouth between his pursed lips. He'd graduated to wanting more complicated pictures. He wanted to be able to pick more colours and have more sections to fill in. He didn't want to have to just pick one colour and scribble through one big area.

She looked up from the solar system she was working on and watched him for a few minutes. He was in his own little zone. He'd stop working on his complex – almost like a page out of a comic book – colour page of the Marvel super heroes altogether, and he'd carefully examine their pack of 120 crayons before picking the next colour.

Will had laughed at her when she'd come home from the craft store one day with the giant pack of crayons. He'd laughed even more when he'd open the box and declared that a bunch of the colours looked the same. She'd told him that Noah would disagree. And, he did. Her son would pick two shades of green and examine them carefully – sometimes testing them in little lines – before deciding which one to use on his masterpiece. Will had been appalled even more when she indicated the giant box was for at the hospital, really.

"You aren't seriously going to drag that around with you?" He'd said.

"I am," she'd said back – and she had. She'd quickly decided it was more than a worthwhile investment and adding the extra weight to their hospital pack was worth it too.

"Yours looks really good, sweets," she told Noah – and he glanced up at her and gave a big smile.

He'd looked back to his page, though, and so she rested her elbow on the table and watched him so more. She looked at the bag of her blood flowing slowly into him too. It was a little strange to watch or even think about – to see something from her moving slowly into his little body. She kept hoping it would just help. That maybe it was something she could do to really help him.

"Mommy, can I have a dog for my birthday?" He asked from out of nowhere, causing a smile to spread across her face and to pull her eyes away from all the medical equipment and back to his hopeful eyes.

"No, sweets, you can't get a dog for your birthday," she gave him a smile and touched his hand that wasn't clasping onto a crayon. They'd already had the dog conversation more times than she could count over the previous months.

"But I'd take good care of Bucky," Noah told her again for about the hundredth time. His randomly picked name for his hoped for dog always almost made her laugh. Apparently Bucky was a brown, boy dog with short-hair. She knew from their stops to watch some of the dogs in the dog park – he had a special affinity for a chocolate lab named Charlie that they often saw there.

"I know, sweets, but we've talked about this," she told him, yet again, "dogs are a lot of work and need their families to be able to be home to make sure they get feed and get to go for walks and get to go outside to use the bathroom – and we just can't make sure we'd be able to do that right now. And that wouldn't be very nice to the doggie would it?"

Noah shook his head sadly.

"You like dogs, though," Noah told her – again.

She nodded. "I have always wanted a dog too, Noah," she agreed. "But it just hasn't been possible yet. Mommy's job makes it hard to have a doggie."

"What about Will's job?" He asked hopefully – again.

She nodded. "Yes, sweetheart, Will's job makes it a bit easier. But right now we're all very busy and not home as much as a dog needs. So it is not an option right now – but maybe we can talk about it again later."

"When later?"

"Later, later," she said.

He gazed at her for a moment and then a little dejectedly turned back to his colouring sheet.

"Maybe we could talk about other things you might want for your birthday, though," she offered. "What do you think you might want for your birthday, sweets?"

He looked up and considered her, drawing his bottom lip into his mouth as he thought.

"Lego?"

She smiled. "Well, of course, you want Lego. Is there a set you want, sweetheart?"

He shrugged. "Star Wars?"

"Star Wars Lego? Don't you have enough Star Wars Lego?" She teased.

He shook his head hard at that comment.

"Hmm," she said. "Well, maybe before your birthday we'll have to make a trip to the Lego store so you can show me which ones you think look kind of cool."

He lit up. "Can we Pick a Brick too?"

She coloured on her sheet again. "I don't know, how much allowance do you have at home?"

He sighed. "Mom," he nearly whined.

She looked at him. "Noah," she mimicked back in a whiney voice to show him just how infuriating it was.

He huffed at her and looked back to his sheet too, carefully considering where to use the midnight blue he had in his hand.

"Daddy and I have been talking about your birthday," she told him and he looked at her again. "Do you want to have friends over and have a party Noah?" She asked carefully.

He looked at her and scrunched up his face. "Like who?"

"Some kids from school?" She suggested – knowing that Noah hadn't really made many connections there that year but feeling like she should be putting in a greater effort to help that along for him. If she invited families, they'd come, right?"

Noah shook his head at the suggestion, though.

"Maybe some kids from here? From in the Zone or your art or music class?"

She saw her son consider that.

"They're sick, Mom," he said eventually and looked back at his paper again.

"I know, sweetie, but some of them might still be able to come to your birthday party."

He just shook his head and it made her a little sad for him. She hated that her son had made more friends at the hospital than at school. But even in that it meant that a lot of the friends there were just transient. They'd all be together for a period but then they'd be off their separate ways. They kept in touch with some of the families that had also been hospitalized at the same time as Noah – but it was hard. They were all wrapped up in their own situations – and some weren't doing as well as Noah. There were a couple families that was doing staggeringly better and she was a little jealous of them.

It was hard to get the kids together anyways, though. Some of them weren't even from the city. They'd traveled great distances for the privilege of having their child be treated at Mount Sinai, whereas they'd just lucked out that it was the hospital that their GP had connections with.

Still it made her sadder that Noah hadn't been able to make any real friendships yet at school. She worried about what it would mean for him as he worked through the rest of his academics having not found that little best buddy in kindergarten. It wasn't so much that he didn't have a friend that worried her – it was how shy he'd become around other well-children his age that rubbed her the wrong way. At home she didn't see the shy little boy. Noah was smiles and bubbles and bright-eyed and chatty at home. He was her beautiful, amazing little boy. But she knew his illness had made his bashful tendencies in public even worse. School hadn't drawn him out of the shell – instead he seemed to have drawn inside himself a bit more, especially around some of the more teasing kids that just didn't seem to want to understand Noah was sick and picked up him.

Will picked up Noah after school more than her but the times she did get over – she'd watch as the other kids came out in pairs or little groups – still babbling away or headed off for a play date with one of the pick-up parents. Her son was always out last – trailing at the end of the line – alone. It broke her heart a bit. But he'd light up on seeing her and run over with whatever activity or craft they'd been sent home with that day to show her. He'd grab her hand and talk about the more academic side of whatever they managed to do in kindergarten. But there was never any talk of playtime or friends.

The only time other kids got mentioned was when someone had been chastised by the teacher for doing something silly or bad in class – or when some child had made some sort of idiotic comment to him that had got him upset. Then she'd spend the next morning playing telephone tag with the school principal and his teacher – again stressing that it was unacceptable behaviour.

It actually had improved a lot since Noah started at William Sherman in the new year. The school catered to his needs much better than their previous one. They seemed more on the ball in making sure the kids understood something about Noah's situation. There was a zero tolerance on bullying and the class sizes were smaller. The school just seemed more connected to the community and everyone was more engaged. But it was still a struggle. Kids still just didn't understand. She guessed it was a hard thing for any age to wrap their head around – let alone kids five to seven years old – who weren't afraid or diplomatic about asking questions or making comments, without considering Noah's feelings.

She touched his hand and leaned forward and kissed the top of his head. "Sorry for upsetting you, sweets."

He just shrugged.

"How about you, me and Will do something really fun together instead?"

"Like what?" He asked without looking at her.

"Hmm, well, we could do lots. We could go to the park?"

"We do that always," Noah glanced at her.

She smiled. "We could go to the zoo in the park?"

He shrugged.

"We could go to the museum?"

"We do that always too," he said again.

She nodded. "Maybe we're a little spoiled then, aren't we?"

He gazed at her like he thought he might be getting in trouble – but she gave him a smile.

"We could go to the Intrepid? We don't go to that museum much. It's the one on the boat."

Noah shook his head.

"Hmm," she said again and examined her paper now too. "Well, we don't have to decide today. We've still got lots of time."

Noah looked at her. "Thirty-two days," he told her.

She laughed and smiled at him. "Are you counting down, sweetheart?"

"Will said we will have hamburgers and chili-cheese fries and cake. And presents."

"Hamburgers, chili-cheese fries and cake?" She asked.

Noah nodded.

"I didn't know about this plan," she said, putting her elbow back on the table and resting her chin on her hand and watching him. "Hamburgers or cheeseburgers?"

"Cheeseburgers," Noah said.

"With ketchup?"

He nodded more. "And pickles."

She smiled some more. "That sounds pretty good, Noah. How many do you think you can eat?"

"Two," he said instantly.

"Two?" She tried to sound excited – and didn't really need to try. Her son volunteering to eat that much was cause of excitement.

"How many will you have Mom?" He asked.

"Hmm. Maybe I'll have two too," she said. "What kind of cake are we going to have?"

"Ice cream!" Noah said, his eyes lighting up.

"Ice cream cake?" She asked and he nodded vehemently. "It sounds like you and Daddy are doing all kinds of birthday planning without me."

"You were at work," Noah said with some regret in his voice. It hit her hard – and she reached out and touched his hand again, feeling each of his little fingers with her thumb.

"Mommy needs to work, sweets," she told him softly and he just nodded.

She watched him carefully again as their conversation ground to an abrupt halt. She again wondered if she was making the right choice in working during all of this. It hadn't seemed like a choice before – she needed the benefits, the insurance, the money. But if her and Will were getting married – maybe she didn't anymore? Maybe they could just get Noah's care transferred under his plan? Maybe Will was right – they should just go down to City Hall and get it done. Then maybe she could just take a leave of absence and focus more on her son?

Was she really there for him enough in all of this? she wondered again for about the millionth time. She was trying – but it was a difficult balance. She felt pulled in so many ways by so many different forces.

"I like when you're home, Mom," Noah told her quietly not looking up.

She looked at the top of his head. "I like when I'm home too, Noah. There's no place I'd rather be than with you."


	104. Chapter 104

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She had tears running down her face and was staring somewhere beyond his shoulder. Not moving, not looking at him, and from the look in her glassed up eyes, he could tell her was just feeling hurt and wasn't there with him at all.

"I'm stopping," he said.

Her hands came up to his hips and held them tightly – almost roughly. "Don't stop," she said.

He moved his hand to remove one of hers and she gripped at him harder. "Liv, I'm stopping," he said again and forcibly moved off of her, gathering the blankets around him and looking at her. She was still laying there, looking at the ceiling, now with even more tears coming down her face.

Downstairs she'd told him that she wanted to go upstairs. That she didn't want to talk about it. That she didn't want to spend 20 minutes making out. That she just needed him and to be touched right then. He knew she'd been struggling and initially he hadn't made much of her request – and had followed her to the bedroom. But it quickly became clear when she said she didn't want foreplay – she really hadn't wanted foreplay. And she really hadn't wanted any sort of talking - or sounds - at all. He'd almost found her a little rough in how she directed him towards what she did want and after that – it had turned into even more of a freak show.

She clearly wasn't ready. But told him to go – holding him against her. It didn't exactly feel pleasant for him and he could only imagine that it felt significantly more uncomfortable for her. Then she'd just quiet and stilled – not participating at all. It was only seconds after that the tears started. He stopped. It was just too fucked up. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than maybe a minute or so, if that, but he felt disgusted by it.

"Why did you stop?" She said quietly.

He looked at her again. "Are you serious? Liv – your body wasn't ready. It felt awful. I was hurting you."

He saw her lean over to the night stand next to their bed and start rooting around the bottom of the drawer.

He rolled his eyes. "Liv, stop it."

But she sat back up and smacked a tube of lube into his chest. "There. I want to finish."

He tossed it back into her lap and glared at her. "No," he said sternly.

She shook her head and went back to examining the ceiling, crossing her arms over top of her. "You weren't hurting me," she said.

He looked at her. "You could've fooled me. This is the first time I've seen you cry in the bedroom."

"I'm not crying because you were hurting me," she spat over at him but then turned her head away.

"Then why are you crying, Liv? What the hell are we doing, right now? Because this sure doesn't feel like us. Right now, I'm feeling really fucking dirty."

She just shook her head again.

He sighed.

She'd been struggling. He'd seen it over the week just building. It was like it was growing and bubbling out of her in a way he hadn't seen before. He knew the chemo hold was making her feel like she was losing control of the situation. While Noah was on chemo – at least there were things for her to manage; when he took his pills, the side effects, getting him to eat, keeping him hydrated, getting him in for his labs, etc. Right now – it was a waiting game. There was nothing they could do but wait and it was driving her crazy.

She kept stewing about how long the hold would be, if more cancer cells would be found in his body when they pulled out of it, if he'd have a complete relapse, if the cancer would spread to another area when they weren't holding it at bay. She stressed about his low counts and him being at school and out of the house. She kept disinfecting every surface in the house – over and over and over again. She wasn't sitting still while she was home. As soon as she was in the door – she started cleaning, rather than spending time with him and Noah.

She was scared and she was hurting – and as far as he was concerned, she was losing it. He'd been trying to pull her out of it – to calm her, but she kept pushing him away – and pushing hard. He'd been almost hopeful at her request for sex – that she wanted closeness from him, that she wanted to be held. But instead she had just found another way to hurt herself and push him away. She was punishing herself, he'd decided.

"Look, Liv, if you want to cry – you can cry. If you need to be touched – I will hold you all night. If you want to talk about what's happening right now – I will talk. But I'm not going to do this," he told her. "I'm not going to let you hurt yourself, or try to hurt me, or try to hurt us. I'm not going to turn our sex life into some sort of freak show as some sort of strange punishment? I don't know what you're thinking right now. This is not us." She didn't say anything, so he just sighed again.

"OK. Well, I really am going to take a shower," he told her. "I need to get whatever that was off me. I really didn't like what we were doing. I don't want to do that again, Liv. Ever."

He got out of the bed and padded to the bathroom. She hadn't made any move to look at him. She was still staring at the ceiling and he could still see tears on her cheeks.

They hadn't even properly undressed. He was short-less but still had his tshirt on and pulled it over his head as he started the water. He turned it up as hot as he could stand before stepping inside. And, he stood under it forever.

He didn't know how to deal with her right now. He felt like everything he said was wrong and she was taking it as patronizing. That any mention he made of Noah set her off even more. That anything he did for Noah, she was re-doing because he hadn't done it right. He felt like they were coming apart and that scared him too.

"I'm sorry," he heard from outside the curtain.

He stopped rubbing his face under the stream of water and tried to decide how to answer. He didn't really feel like sorry quite did it. He didn't want to say it – he didn't even want to think it - but he felt kind of violated and he felt like she'd just forced him to violate her. He felt sick about it. He didn't want to think about what it meant.

It must've been a long silence because she'd asked softly, "Is it OK if I get in too?"

He sighed and hung his head more. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Liv."

She hadn't listened and the curtain slid open and she stepped into the tub. Her eyes looked so puffy and red from the tears and the fatigue. She hadn't been sleeping – and this whole section of the ordeal had started with her running on no-sleep anyways. He'd told her that she needed to go see their GP and get a prescription to help – because she couldn't just go from sleepless night to sleepless night. It wasn't helping any of them. But so far she wasn't listening to him. Did she ever?

She gave him an apologetic look. "Will, I'm sorry," she said again.

He sighed and shook his head. "Liv … really, what the hell?"

She put her forehead on his shoulder and even though he was still upset with her, he brought his arms up around her and held her closer to him, bringing her under the hot flow of water too, and placing some kisses against the side of her head. He hated seeing her hurting so much. He hated more that he didn't know what to do.

"I just needed to control something," she said quietly. "I needed to feel something else."

He rested his cheek against her head and rubbed her back a bit. "What we just did, though, Liv, that was not normal. It wasn't healthy. You of all people know that. That was just really fucked up."

She nodded against him. "I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen like that. I'm really sorry."

He pulled away from her and tipped her chin up to make her look at him but she still diverted her eyes.

"I'm going to call Noah's social worker in the morning," he said. "We're going to go in. We are going to ask about some counseling sessions or what other help they have available for when the kids are on hold."

She sighed but nodded. "OK."

"We are also going to go to the caregivers' support group this week. I'll see if Kara can come down and babysit. And, you are going to see Dr. Walker – and you are going to get some sleeping pills – and I really think you should ask about something to help with your nerves too. And, if you can't promise me you are going to go to the appointment and come home with those prescriptions – I am taking the day off work and I am dragging you in."

"I don't need pills, Will," she said. He saw tears threatening to come out of her eyes again.

"Olivia – you need to sleep. Your nerves are fried. You aren't taking care of yourself right now. How can you take care of Noah? How can you do your job?"

"I'm not depressed," she said, her voice cracking a bit.

"I didn't say you were. I think you're extremely overtired. I think your anxiety is through the roof – and I think the doctor will be able to give you something to help with those things right now."

She put her head against his chest again. "I'm sorry," she said again, like apologizing might change his mind. Or maybe more like she was sorry she wasn't strong enough to be handling it all.

"Don't be sorry, Olivia," he said. "Let's just go and get the help we need to get through this. It's not just about taking care of Noah, babe. We need to take care of ourselves – and of us."

"I love you," she said, sounding a little teary, though he couldn't see her face.

"I love you, too," he said. "That's why we're going to go and get help getting through this. We aren't going to let a fucking chemo hold be what rips our family apart."


	105. Chapter 105

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She was surprised the instant she stepped inside the boardgame café. She was expecting something as dark and dingy as Will's comic book shops. She also had visions of balding, overweight men who rarely went outside – and really preferred staying in the basement – sitting in the corner playing Dungeons and Dragons. Not that she thought she would recognize Dungeons and Dragons if she saw it – but she just imagined that would be what they were playing.

But this wasn't like that at all. Really – she could've been in pretty much any coffee shop or maybe a book shop. But rather than books – rows and rows and rows of boardgames lined the narrow café, which she had to admit was likely brighter than her favourite caffeine haunt and looked like it had more to order too.

The kid standing at the café counter at the front of the store was eyeing her expectantly. There were pastries, cookies, muffins and tarts – and signs indicating an extensive vegan selection of most of the treats. The chalkboard behind the kid listed fresh-made baguette sandwiches, candy bowls and fruit parfaits – along with the usual collection of specialty coffees, teas and smoothies you'd expect to find in a café in the city.

When she'd finished getting over her shock and gazing down at the little café tables that looked like they were mostly filled with college kids and handfuls of young professionals probably having just clocked out, she turned her attention to the young counter attendant.

"Want me to set you up at a table or see if we can get you in on one of the other groups' games?" The kid asked.

She looked at him again for a moment. "Ah, how does this work?" She wasn't planning on staying. She was just curious.

"Oh," the kid smiled. "A first-timer, right?" She gave a small nod. "Well, it's $5 cover charge if you're going to be playing a game and other than that we'll run your tab until you're ready to go for whatever you eat or drink. If you're waiting for someone – I can get you set up at a table now, otherwise I can see if one of the groups would be willing you let you in to their next round."

She nodded. "And I can pick to play any of these?"

The kid glowed – like he was extensively proud of the vast collection of boxes lining each and every wall. "Absolutely and we can teach any of them to you too."

"You know how to play all these games?" She said in disbelief.

"Well, you kind of have to to work here," he grinned at her. She actually kind of thought he might be flirting – or trying to. But the kid couldn't have been more than 22.

"Mmm," she just said and looked around more.

"I can give you all kinds of recommendations. So what do you want to do?"

She looked at him again. "I'm actually looking for Philip," she said.

"Oh," the kid's face fell a bit – apparently a little upset he wasn't going to get to teach her how to play. "He's in the backroom in a match. I'll take you down."

As she followed him down a little hallway – past some little bathrooms – she thought maybe she really was being lead to some Dungeon and Dragon geeks – hidden out of sight from the regular, more normal-looking, patrons.

But that wasn't the case either. At the end of the hallway was what looked like a little party room – complete with a small bar that wasn't currently in use. Plaques, photos and framed newspaper and magazine articles lined the wall. And, although the room didn't have the natural sunlight of the café area, it was also well lit. There were several tables pushed together in the middle of the room and a group of four older looking men huddled around the one end. They looked normal enough too. Two of them were still in business suits, with their ties pulled loose. The other two looked more casual. They were relaxed and chatting – near arguing about something. Though as she got closer, she had dated Will long enough to recognize they were engaged in a match of Settles of Catan – not Dungeons and Dragons – and must've been in the negotiation range – debating about who would give their wood for sheep.

She was kind of wondering why Will had never dragged her to this place before. Though, she supposed over the years he'd let his gaming fall a bit to the wayside. When she first met him, she knew that he spent a lot of his free time at the café and in other boardgame shops around the city. He mentioned it enough.

He made her learn a couple of his games – though she imagined they were ones that he thought were rather simplistic and she doubted she was much of an opponent for him. He still pulled some out at home – though mostly two-player ones that were even more simplistic so he could try to teach Noah. There was one with dragons pieces that her son seemed to like. But at that point Noah was really more interested in things like Uno and Connect Four and Guess Who and Jenga and Snakes and Ladders – not complex, strategy-driven games – some of which seemed to take hours to play.

Still, this place seemed a lot more family-friendly and even fun compared to some of the comic shops she'd been into with him. Those were always so dark – and there definitely strange people in them - at the very least extremely socially awkward. She knew the stereotype was part of the reason that Elliot had given her such a hard time about Will at the start. Elliot had said more than once that the comic book geeks are always the crazies. She knew he was just a little right. She had to admit they they'd picked up more than a couple pervs over the years who seemed to have a thing for comics. Though, she never really mentioned that to Will. He'd be grossly insulted.

She expected that he'd favoured taking her to the comic shops because he didn't think she'd tease him as much about the comics, especially since it was something that he was sharing with her son – and that Noah was really growing to love. The other day Will had been beyond excited when he'd found a graphic novel of Ender's Game and brought it home for Noah from the one shop he'd stopped into near work. She'd grown to appreciate some of the aspects of comics and graphic novels and actually expected they were part of the reason her son was latching onto reading early and interested in puttering away with colouring and other art. She couldn't fault that. Beyond that – what little boy didn't love super heroes?

But she could see them spending an afternoon in this place. It looked like an OK place to enjoy a Saturday afternoon tea and to spend some time with Will and Noah. She kind of wished it was somewhere Will had been comfortable introducing them to. Of course, she'd have to bring the sanitizer wipes to clean whatever game they picked to play first – but that was beside the point.

"Phil, this lady is looking for you," the kid called as they stood in the doorway and then quickly disappeared back to his post at the front.

A man wearing grey cords and a ratty looking tshirts – a very similar outfit to what Will felt was age-appropriate attire when she first met him – glanced over his shoulder at her. At least he looked cleaner than his outfit. He had a goatee and looked to be about 40 as well. He gave her a small smile. "Help you with something?"

She rubbed at her eyebrow for a moment. "You're Philip?" He nodded. "Ah, hi, my name's Olivia. I'm friends with Will McTeague. I think you know him."

The guy looked her up and down for a second and than elbowed the other casually dressed man sitting kitty-corner to him. "Hey, Lewis, Mickey's girlfriend actually exists."

The guy seemed to come out of whatever he was negotiating and looked her way too. He did a bit of a double-take. "Holy shit, you're Mickey's girlfriend?"

She looked down – a little embarrassed. "Ah, I'm not sure who Mickey is. But I'm Will McTeague's fiancée – and I was just looking for some guidance to help pick out a small gift for him."

The guy looked at Philip. "Mickey got engaged?"

Philip made a news-to-me face and got up from the table and walked over to her. He gave her another small smile and stuck out his hand. "Phil Reiser," he offered. She took it. "Sorry for being a little rude there. We haven't seen Will around in a while. Didn't realize he'd taken the plunge. Congratulations."

She gave a small nod of thanks. "I guess we've been a little busy lately," she said to the other part of his statement. She supposed it was bad form that she was the one who broke the news to people who were kind of Will's friends.

But she also knew Will didn't go out to the café anymore – at least not regularly or at times he told her about. The café was far enough away from NYU that she doubted it was somewhere he popped over to on his lunch breaks or between lectures either. She knew that they sometimes had tournament weekends. There had been a few times he'd told her he was going out to one of them – but she couldn't even say when the last time something like that had been. Will was always home anymore. Really the only me-time he took was to go out for a jog or a swim – and he always seemed to rise at ungodly hours to go and do those, so it didn't interrupt time with her and Noah. She felt a little bad about it. Like he was giving up pieces of himself or his life to be with her – like she was forcing him to change or become something he wasn't.

Phil nodded and lead her to another room off the hallway that was full of games that looked still sealed. There was a display case with little figures and cards and all shapes of dice locked up too.

"Yeah, your kid is sick, right?" He said and she nodded. "How's he doing?"

She looked down and just said, "Alright."

It was always a little bit strange for her when she had the realization that her and Noah were such an ingrained part of Will's life that he talked about them. She knew it was ridiculous. Obviously he would talk about them. She talked about him with other people – and about Noah. But it was that acknowledgement that Will had a life and friends and colleagues and work outside of their house – and that their relationship spanned beyond that into his world. That was what always seemed to throw her just a little bit.

As much as she vented about him when he'd done something that had particularly rubbed her the wrong way on a given morning – she had to remind herself that he was likely out there doing the same thing. Whether it was to some of his professor friends at work or these guys in the game shop – or maybe even some of the staff he was friendly with at the one comic book store. But her life wasn't as private as it used to be. She let another person in and it meant that she didn't get to control all the information that got out of their house. He had a say in it too.

She knew Will was a private person as well. But he was also a little more trusting than her. No matter how much she loved Will – sometimes she still struggled with having given up some of that control.

"So you have any idea what you're looking for or do I need to give you the spousal tour? I usually only do those around Christmas, so I might be a little rusty," Phil offered.

"Ah, well, I guess I just want something he doesn't have. Something that he'd like. It'd likely be preferable if it was three-player but could be played with two people. If it's something that a six-year-old could play too would be even better," she said.

Phil nodded and thought about it for a moment. "Engagement present?"

"Umm. No. It's just a small something … kind of a one-year anniversary thing."

Phil looked at her. "Really? Just a year? I feel like I've been hearing about you for longer than that." He said it – but he did shrug.

She rubbed at her eyebrow again. "Maybe more like four. I just meant it's more of an arbitrary anniversary-type gift."

He gave her a funny look. "Well, I honestly don't see Will enough anymore to know what he has and doesn't have or where his interests in games are at. He used to be more into the Euro games that were pretty highly strategic and had a lot of mathematics and probability in them for setting up his win."

Olivia looked at him. "That doesn't really help me."

He gave her another smile. "I don't think that would be really what you'd be looking for anyways – if you want something a six-year-old can play with you."

He wandered around the shelves for the moment and pulled a box off and handed it to her. It was something called Lost Cities. It looked a bit like Indiana Jones to her.

"He might get a kick out of that," Phil offered, "and it's fairly new so I doubt he has it."

She turned it over and looked at the back. "Is it any good?"

The store owner shrugged. "It's not great – but back in the day, Will won the title for the card game version of that game up at the World Boardgame Championships in Baltimore."

She looked at him. "Will won the boardgame championships?"

"Well – for this particular game. Not the entire thing, no."

She snorted. "Some how he forgot to ever mention that tidbit."

Phil looked at her again. "Well, then I didn't say anything about it when it comes up. Will mentioned your kid is pretty bright. I'd say he'd likely be able to handle this. Two to four players. Plays about 60 minutes max. It's by a design company Will used to favour. It's Euro. Has some strategy involved in it too."

He could see her still considering it. "We have it out the floor, if you want to see what it looks like opened or give it a try," he offered. "Or, if Will hates it, just bring it back. Let him pick something else. We're good."

He watched her reading the back of the box. "Ticket to Ride might be an OK option too."

She shook her head. "No, I know we have that one at home."

It was one Will had pulled out and taught her. She wasn't much for games – but it was OK. They'd tried it a couple times with Noah too. He liked getting to play with the little train pieces and laying them out on the map. He'd also caught onto the need to collect similar colours but had struggled with making the most direct route between the stations he had drawn – or even really grasping that's what he needed to do to win. So they'd gone back to playing Sorry instead – likely much to Will's disappointment.

"They have some new map boards out," Phil offered again but she still shook her head.

"It the gift or you getting him something else too? Because if you're looking for something a bit more exciting – I can pull down some of the bigger strategy games for you. Might not be very kid friendly, though."

She looked at him. "Ah, no. This is just kind of an aside. I've got something else for him too. How much is this?"

"Sixty bucks," he said. "But for you – for Will – I'll give it to you for $50. He's spent enough money in here over the years."

She nodded her approval at the deal and followed him over to the register to cash out.

"You should tell him to come by," Phil said as he swiped her credit card. "We miss having him around. He brings a good energy to the table."

She gave him a smile. "Yeah, he is good at the positive energy thing."

He shook a plastic bag open and dropped in the game in as she typed her pin in. "You and the kid should tag along too. We do family afternoons about once a month, you know?"

"I think Will would like that," she offered. She actually thought it sounded like an OK idea.

"I think you might too," Phil said and handed her the bag. "There you go. Congratulations on your one-year-four-year-anniversary-engagement," he said.

She laughed and looked at the ground. "Yeah, thanks for the help."

"Remember – I didn't say anything about his championship title."

She snorted. "I would never hold something that geeky over him," she said.

Phil shrugged. "Sure you would. We do. Tease him all the time. You saw all those plaques in there?" He nodded back down the hallway. "One of them is his. Only guy out of here that's ever brought anything home from Charm City."

She rolled her eyes. "The man is full of surprises."


	106. Chapter 106

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Casey watched her as she gathered up her things. They'd been rehearsing her testimony for in court later in the week.

"So you going to say anything about that rock on your left-hand or do I need to ask about it?" Casey said finally.

Olivia glanced at her from where she'd piled some files on her chair and allowed a small smile.

"I think you just asked about it," she said.

Casey shrugged. "It was at the point that I thought someone had to," she said.

Olivia looked back down and collected her jacket, tossing it around her shoulders and shrugging her arms into it.

She was still getting used to people noticing – and she supposed, more aggravatingly asking about it. The guys at work had left her alone about it – though she knew it definitely hadn't gone unnoticed. It'd be other people that she wasn't as close to that felt they were allowed to ask about it. Some of Noah's nurses, the guy at the cash at their bottega, the barista at her coffee shop when she picked up her morning tea before heading into the office and the guy at the metal detectors as she walked through security at entering work.

She found it a little strange to have random people ask and express excitement or congratulations. Sometimes she felt like they thought it was a bigger event then she did. That wasn't to say she didn't think it was a big deal. But it was her own, personal, private big deal. She loved the ring – and what it represented and how it reminded her of not just Will, but her son too - but she hated the apparently neon-flashing sign it'd created on her hand about her status and life changes.

She rubbed a bit at her face before looking back at Casey. "I guess it's what it looks like," she said.

Casey snorted and shook her head a bit. "And you can't bring yourself to say it?" The detective just looked at her. "You're engaged?"

Olivia shrugged and picked up her pile of papers off the chair. "That's what it looks like."

Casey repressed a bit of a laugh. "Well, OK, congratulations on what it looks like."

She nodded. "Thanks."

Casey crossed her arms. "A couple more details might be nice," she said. "Or am I getting treated like one of the guys?"

Olivia rolled her eyes a bit. "They haven't asked for details. I'm undecided on if Fin has even noticed. John's been sure to get in some extra jabs about the perils of marriage and money-grabbing, blood-thirsty ex-wives. He's been really wonderful. The Captain operates on don't ask, don't tell – and with everything else going on with my job right now, I've favoured don't tell. And Elliot knows – but has put up with my long enough to know what things he should stay well enough away from."

Casey held up her hands. "Whoa. I didn't know such a happy event was so touchy."

She huddled her paperwork to her chest. "Sorry," she said. "I'm still getting used to the attention about it. It's not a big deal."

Casey made a small face at the 'no big deal' comment but nodded. "OK."

Olivia hadn't made for the door yet, though. She seemed to have become lost in thought for the moment and was staring at the floor.

"So, if it's not a big deal, you guys just going to go down to City Hall?" She pressed a bit more. She didn't get the chance to talk to many people about their weddings, she was so busy with work all the time. And she wasn't sure she'd ever expected that there'd be a wedding on the horizon for Detective Benson. She wasn't going to pass up the chance to be just a touch girly about it – even though the detective clearly wasn't really latching onto that opportunity with her.

She rubbed at her eyebrow again. "Ah, I don't know. I think Will wants to do something a bit more than that."

Casey raised her eyebrows at that. "And you don't? You only get married for the first-time once, Liv."

She looked at the ceiling. "Yeah, well, hopefully it's first and last."

Casey smiled again. "Technically that's supposed to be how it works. So have you picked a date yet?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. We're really just starting to talk about it in more concrete terms. We'll likely do it sooner rather than later."

Olivia didn't want to talk about it – but the reality was that her and Will had been talking about it. A lot. It actually seemed like more nights than not lately they'd lay in bed and talk about bits and pieces of it before one of them decided to shut their eyes and sleep when they'd had enough.

She'd never really imagined she'd be planning a wedding – not at that point in her life. She'd pretty much decided after she reached about 34, that that just wasn't going to be in the cards. In a way, she'd been kind of relieved. She'd never really been comfortable with the whole concept of marriage. And, just because she'd decided she was too old to be having little girl fantasies about her 'special day', it didn't mean she'd given up on relationships at the time. She just figured if she did meet the guy for her after that –he wouldn't be the marrying type either. Sure – she wanted a stable relationship and she wanted a family. But she had kind of created a little alternate reality in her mind that she'd still be able to achieve those things – somehow – without having to tie the knot. She supposed her whole aversion to marriage and warped concept of family and relationships was just another thing her mother had damaged her about in her upbringing.

She just really didn't want to make a big deal about their getting married. She wasn't even really sure she wanted a wedding. In her chats with Will, it was clear that he was OK with that. He really did seem to be OK with the concept of just going down to City Hall, signing the paperwork and saying 'I do' (or rather having their documentation and identities confirmed by a witness) in front of an administrator. As much as she told herself it was Will and his Catholic upbringing and overbearing family that wanted something a bit more than that – the reality was it was her that felt they should do more.

She knew it would deeply hurt his family if they didn't get to be involved in some way – and that his parents would be struggling enough with the fact they weren't getting married in the church. But she also felt that Noah deserved a bit more from them then a visit to City Hall. She supposed maybe a small part of her felt she deserved a bit more than that too. She thought maybe part of her wanted to kind of show-off to all the people who thought she'd die an old maid with the bastard son. She wanted to prove them wrong. Not that she really intended to invite people who thought like that to her wedding. Still, even though she knew that the guys thought she was a good person and deserved to be with someone – they'd likely kind of given up on that working out for her too. She thought with their experiences in marriage, that maybe they even thought that was best. That she was saving herself some pain and divorce lawsuits. So maybe she wanted to prove them a little wrong too – or at least share her small moment of happiness with them. Hopefully it would prove to be happiness that endured a bit longer than just the wedding day and the honeymoon period.

So she did want something a bit more than just a piece of paper. She wanted some memories. She didn't want anything big or fancy. She didn't want to make a huge deal of it. But she did want to have a special day that she could share with Will and Noah – and some of the other people important to her. She just didn't really like admitting it.

Talking to Will about it, though, had again reminded her how alike they were in their thoughts and attitudes about things – in their personalities. He just wanted casual too. He didn't want pressure or showy. He just wanted to have a fun day with her and Noah too. He really just wanted to be married. He didn't seem to care too much about any of the details. He was happy to chat about them, though, and put forward ideas and suggestions and slowly his idea of what would be a fun day developed and gelled more and more with hers.

They'd decided they were likely going to aim for September – or maybe early October. Enough time to get out of the humidity of a New York summer but early enough in the fall that they'd still be able to do it outside. She didn't want to be stuck in some reception room at whatever restaurant they could afford to host his family in the middle of the winter. That sounded stressful to her – not fun.

They'd chatted about how and where to do it – and it just kept coming back to they didn't want to spend a lot of money. She imagined all these brides that spent tens of thousands of dollars on their weddings. And, then there were her and Will laying in bed plotting about if they could do it for under $3,000. She thought that might be a bit of a low-ball – but Will seemed to think it was plausible – and had cautiously suggested talking to his parents about doing it in their backyard.

She thought he was crazy at first. That doing it that way they'd lose complete control of organizing anything – not to mention they'd be accountable to his parents and have them trying to push ideas, or worse money, onto them. She wasn't sure she wanted to deal with that. It didn't sound like fun to her either. But as she thought about it more – it sounded more and more like a reasonable idea. They knew how to host parties there. There was space. They knew how to do big barbeques. They knew how to keep it on budget. Really – they could do a lot worse for a lot more money. They hadn't talked to his parents yet about the ideas they'd been floating around – because they were really just floating ideas at that point. But each night as they chatted a little bit more – it all just started to seem a little bit more real.

She just found it all so strange. She was getting married – and she wasn't going to just do it at City Hall or elope. She wasn't drunk or otherwise inebriated. She was going to say some sort of vows in front of some sort of official with some friends and his family watching. It was going to be outside. And she'd get some sort of dress and get to pick some sort of outfit for Noah, which she actually got her a bit more excited than having to think about what the hell she was going to wear.

She was going to have a reception – complete with quesadillas, barbeque chicken, vegetarian shish kabobs and about an arm's length of salad varieties. She was going to have cake – chocolate at Noah's request. And she was going to drink probably more than she should – chilled, bottled beer, that's what they both wanted, though they might allow some other options onto the premises for their guests. And she was going to dance ridiculously with Will and her son all night – to music of their choosing, which likely meant the Top 100 of their playlists at home. She thought that might be a little scaring for the psyche of those who didn't know them, see their living room dancing, or listen to music that seemed to always be going in some room of their house. She didn't much care, though. That was their plan – such as it was in its growing infancy at the moment. And, she kind of liked it. More than a little. Will made her laugh about it when they talked – and with each of those laughs and smiles, she was reminded more and more why she did want to be with him, no matter how scared-shitless she was about it.

Casey smiled wider. "Will wants a big event?"

Olivia shook her head vehemently at that. "Oh, no. Neither of us wants that. There's just his family to think about." She looked down again. "We've been talking about doing it in his parents' backyard, which will be just fantastic," she said a little sarcastically. "But cost effective. Money's kind of at a premium right now."

"Backyard weddings are a bit of a thing anymore," Casey offered. "Can really make it your own that way."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, we just want it causal." She paused for a moment and then said, "Anyways …" getting ready to take her exit.

"Yeah, anyways," Casey said. "I'll see you in court?"

She nodded. "Yep. Thursday," and made a hasty retreat, before she was tempted to say something girly out loud.


	107. Chapter 107

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Hey Liv, your kiddo and Mr. Wonderful are in the squad room," Munch told her, joining the rest of them in gazing at the prep sitting in the interrogation room talking to his lawyer. Casey was giving them a bit of a briefing on how she'd be dealing with the evidence and confession they'd collected to prosecute the creep.

Liv glanced at her watch. Another day into a black hole. She hadn't realized it was already past her quitting time. But that tended to be how it went. Most days she never noticed what time it was, until the squad room started to get dark, there was bustle of people's shifts changing, she looked up and noticed that everyone was gone or one of the guys or Cragen had actually said something to her to indicate that it was well past time she got her ass home.

"What's the occasion that you're letting the groom-to-be near us without fear that we'll convince him to run while he still can?" Munch said.

"I am being taken out to dinner," she said overly matter-of-factly and making a face that made it clear that that kind of Friday night family-outing invitation was not something that happened regularly in their house.

"Oh, aren't you special," Elliot teased.

She held up her one hand, holding her thumb and forefinger about a centimetre apart near her eye and mouthed 'a little bit' at him. "You miss that memo, El."

He rolled his eyes. "Must've."

She walked out and found Will standing gazing at the case board that was up in the bullpen. She grabbed his elbow as she walked by him, turning him away from it a bit.

"Hey, hon, you shouldn't be looking at that," she told him seriously.

He made a listening sound but his eyes settled back on it as she made her way over to where Noah was sitting at her desk re-arranging everything he could find. He seemed particularly interested in her pens at the moment.

She smiled at Noah and shook his head a bit in both of her hands. "Sweets, what are you doing to my desk?"

He looked up at her. "Fixing it."

"Fixing it?"

"It was wrong."

"It was wrong?"

He nodded.

She just smiled. She never could find anything after he'd been in and had the opportunity to sit at her desk. Her pens would be taken out of their holder and lined up in neat little colour co-ordinated rows, her highlighters were moved out of her top drawer and snapped together end-to-end before being left sitting almost like a sword across the length of her desk, pads of paper were scribbled on and if he'd been left there alone too long, her paperclips were always left in a chain.

"Arrg," she pretend growled at him. "This kid is driving me …"

"CRAZY," Noah said with her.

She nodded. "Crazy!" She bent down and gave him a kiss against the temple.

"Is this what you're working on right now?" Will mumbled at her.

She glanced back at him again. "No, that's not my case. Will, seriously, stop looking at it."

Casey had wandered back out into the bullpen too at that point. Will looked her way.

"Ah, Ms. Novak, I just keep on running into you," he nodded her way. He meant it literally. Now that she knew Will to see him in-person – they'd discovered that they jogged similar routes in Central Park and had encountered each other more than once. She'd just seen him briefly the day before.

She'd grown to see why Olivia was with the guy. Not only did he have the looks and was clearly intelligent – but he just had this good-natured manner about him, that was more than apparent even in their brief meetings. And for every little comment he made, he always had this little smile on his face like he'd just let her in on some sort of inside joke that he wasn't about to explain. She liked him.

She gave him a smile. "Mr. Benson," she teased.

"Oh," Will grabbed at his heart. "That pains me."

He looked at Olivia – who was now working at putting her pens and highlighters back where she wanted them while Noah turned his attention to rearranging her picture frames instead.

"Why does everyone always assume that I – the MAN of the house" (she snorted at that even though she hadn't yet looked at him) "am somehow the one changing my name?" Will half-heartedly demanded. "I have yet to hear any Mrs. McTeague jokes."

She did look at him with that comment. "No one needs to joke about that. They know there's no way in hell that's happening."

"Mom," Noah said, beginning to bring up his hand in an accusing point. She grabbed his finger as he did.

"Swear jar," she said at the same time as him and nodded seriously. "I am handing you a small fortune for the swear jar this week, aren't I?"

"Because you have a case of the …"

"Garbage mouth," she said with him again. He nodded. She heard some of the others around her snort back some laughter at that.

"You know why?" She said to her son. He shrugged. "Because this kid is driving me …"

"CRAZY!" Noah declared with her again.

She nodded and kissed the top of his ball-capped head. "You're goofy tonight," she said.

They were really starting to see the bounce the doctor had talked about in Noah's chemo hold. She had mixed feelings about it. She was still worried about what unseen forces were happening in his body while they didn't have the drugs pumping through him to kill off the leukemia and keep the cancer at bay. But at the same time – as the drugs had been working their way out of Noah's system over the last week or so – she was seeing more of the little boy she remembered than she had in a long time.

His energy had taken a real spike. He didn't seem exhausted all the time. They were actually having to fight with him to get him to rest and not over do it. He hadn't complained of aches and pains and it hadn't been as much of a battle to get him to eat. His eyes glowed brighter and he was sleeping better at night, which meant they were sleeping better at night. It was good to see. It was good for all of them.

Some nights when she got home from work she almost felt like she was having difficulty keeping up with him. He wanted to play and build Legos and do art and colour and to splash around in the tub for an extra long time and to have multiple chapters of their latest novel read to him. And he was just full of cuddles even more so than usual. He was coming and looking for hugs in a more real way. It wasn't just that he wanted comfort because he didn't feel well or he hurt. He was giving them affection – not just seeking it. And those arms coming around her felt so good, especially when they were accompanied by his giggles and sillies. She was trying to soak as much of it in as she could.

But there was still the fear. His levels hadn't bounced back enough that the doctor wanted to put him back onto his pills and they were nearing the two-week mark now. She'd been hoping that they'd fall in at the average 10-day hold. But it wasn't working out that way. Still, with Will's help and having chatted with Noah's social worker and talking again to his doctor, she was trying to calm herself about it. She was trying to enjoy having these few days with Noah that in some ways felt a little more normal. Or at least more normal than they'd felt for a long time – even though they were having to drag him in for daily labs and having to monitor his temperature near constantly at home. She tried not to dwell on that and to enjoy the humour and the playfulness that was coming out of her little boy – rather than the fatigue and the crankies that usually dominated all three of their lives.

She knew Will was taking them out for dinner to cash in on the opportunity to eat a suppertime meal out. Noah usually was too destroyed by the evening for that to ever be an option. But she also knew he was putting in extra effort to keep her as distracted – and as uplifted – as possible at the moment. He was making sure that family time was fun time – and that they were all laughing and bonding and cuddling together as much as possible. She thought it was a little ridiculous and she completely saw through it – but she was kind of loving it too.

She went and got her coat and turned back to Will. He was still looking at the case board – despite her telling him not to.

"Will, are you taking me out to dinner – or are you helping John and Fin lighten their caseload? Com'on. I'm ready."

He glanced back at her. "You guys know these addresses are a Fibonacci sequence, right?"

She looked at him. "What are you talking about?"

He pointed at the board again. "The addresses. It's a Fibonacci sequence. Well – it actually looks more like the generating function of the Fibonacci. It's a power sequence. It's used in a lot of puzzle books."

She gaped at him a moment – but walked over and looked at the addressed written on the map and under the photos of each victim. It just looked like addresses to her – numbers and street names, though also all numeric.

"Ah, John," she called behind her shoulder. "Will thinks he sees something here."

Munch got up from his desk and wandered over. "Well, there's lots to see here," he said, "but none of it is worth searing into your mind before a weekend."

Will shrugged. "OK."

"No, show us," Olivia said.

"Umm, is there something I can write on?" He asked.

She went back over to her desk, which Noah had already started working on undoing her clean-up job on, and got him a pen and paper.

"Here," she handed it to him.

"OK," he said and scribbled down some equation – and then wrote a series of numbers under it. "So that's the rule and then that's the sequence of numbers it produces." He then circled them in pairs and pointed to the board. "It's the addresses."

Munch looked at Olivia. "And you thought I was a conspiracy nut. It's just a coincidence."

She looked at Will. "What would be the next set of numbers?" She asked.

"Ah, 89 and 114," he said.

She shrugged at John. "It might be something."

"And they might just be addresses too," he said.

"Who'd know anything about these numbers, hon?"

Will shrugged a bit. "Anyone that's done a basic math course. Anyone that does puzzle books. Anyone that's obsessed with pop culture – there's lots of references to it in movies and literature. Da Vinci's Code."

"Oh that'd be great if we have some nut bar trying to enact his own personal Dan Brown novel," John said. "His writing is a crime against literature enough as it is."

She looked at John. "Do you want to follow-up on it?"

"Well, what are we supposed to do? Stake out 114th Street on the hunch of some mathematical equation? The city doesn't have the budget for that."

She thought about it. "OK. It's your case. Dinner?"

Will shrugged. "Sounds good."

He started to follow Olivia out, as she gathered Noah from her desk. John was still standing and staring at the board and Will's scribblings on the piece of paper.

"Yeah, so much for Mr. Wonderful," he called after them. "Thanks for just canning my whole weekend."

Liv shot a smile behind her shoulder. "Call me, if something comes up."

He waved his hand at her in half-ways disgust. "Yeah, you better enjoy that dinner."


	108. Chapter 108

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She settled in behind him on the couch and gave him a kiss just below his ear.

"You want to take off your shirt?" She asked.

He complied, pulling the tshirt over his head and tossing it down on the other side of the couch from them – and he then leaned into her hands as they came up and settled at his shoulders.

"Are you going to use the Bengay?" He asked, as her fingers started kneading into his knotted muscles.

"Mmm," she said, concentrating more on what she was doing than his request. "Let's see how you feel after this. I'll put it on for you after, if you still want it."

He nodded a bit and closed his eyes as she worked across his shoulders and the base of his neck.

"God that feels good," he sighed.

She bent forward and gave him a kiss on the temple. "You shouldn't be hunched over your desk so much," she told him again.

He groaned. "I hate writing up exams. I hate marking them more."

She snorted. "Because you decide their failures are your failures and get even more hunched up and tense, Prof. McGrouchy."

He smiled. "Whatever."

She worked her thumbs into a giant knot and he made a little sound. "Sorry," she whispered. "It's a bad one."

She'd done a little seminar at the hospital near the beginning of Noah's illness about massage and nurturing touch for cancer patients. It'd been informative in some ways – but had mostly focused on a given: that children thrive on touch and the importance of making sure that kids with cancer continued to get that nurturing skin-to-skin contact. She found it a little mind-boggling that some parents needed to be told that. But she supposed that some families weren't as physically affectionate as she was with Noah. She'd had to remind herself that she knew that already though. She'd grown up with her mother who pretty much refused to hug her – or even touch her, and really only looked at her when necessary and when she did with eyes that always at this tiny bit of hate glistening somewhere underneath.

She knew even before she was pregnant that if she ever had a child, they would never have to purposely seek her affection. She'd made sure as soon as Noah was born that they got skin-to-skin contact and since then she ensured that he got as many hugs and cuddles as he wanted – or on some days, that she wanted. After all, as their favourite silly song from one of the few children's albums that she could almost tolerate listening to said, "Four hugs a day, it's the minimum, not the maximum." She was pretty sure they hit well above the minimum most days in their house. She already knew that even when he hit his teens and decided he was far too grown-up for his mother's affections – there still wasn't anyway he was getting away without giving her a morning hug before going out the door to school and nighttime hug before he headed up to bed. He was just going to have man-up and come to terms with it - and humour his old mom.

The rest of the seminar had discussed some light massage and soft-touch techniques that would be beneficial and comfortable for children. She'd tried them a couple times with Noah – but it usually resulted in fits of giggles and squirmmies. It had actually turned into him using it as a jump-off point to start tickle wars with her. He thought it was hilarious to get to flail around in fits of laughter on his bed and to then jump up and try to tickle her too. He really needed to improve on his techniques, though. She always won – mostly because he was too busy curling up in a ball of sillies on his mattress and eventually pulling the blankets up over his head.

She figured it wasn't exactly the type of comfort that they'd been shooting at in the seminar discussion. But it sure seemed comforting for her son - and seeing him red with laughter from having giggled and squirmed around so much he was almost out of breath, made her smile too.

She did have some more luck with giving his back – where she could almost count each of his spinal column bones and ribs through his thin and pale skin – a bit of a rub down when he was in the bath. That, of course, was on the days he felt shitty enough that he decided letting Mommy help bathe him didn't infringe on his big boy status too much. Those days were fewer and fewer between anymore. She knew if he wasn't so sick they'd likely have just about disappeared at this point. But on days after treatment when he ached and was weak – he'd let one of them help. Otherwise, even when he didn't, when they'd go back in to check on him, he'd still be sitting there hunched over, not playing and not washing himself. So she or Will would settle onto the bath-mat and help him get the smell of the hospital and antiseptic off him, to gently rub at any of the glue left on his chest, arm or top of his hand that was left from where a line was taped against him, and to pour warm water down his achey and sore little body.

If he was being particularly complacent – or particularly co-operative – she'd do some of the slow and gently massage techniques she'd been shown, working down his back and his arms, across the top of his chest (carefully around the puckered skin at his port) and narrow shoulders, and then massaging into his scalp for him. He liked that, though, and would often come seeking it on his own.

"Mommy, do the head spider," he'd say as he cuddled with her on the couch watching television.

But really, she thought Will had likely gotten the brunt of the benefit of her having gotten a crash course on massage techniques. And, he regularly took advantage of it. She'd suggested to him that maybe he should start working at returning the favour. He'd tried a couple times – but his movements were awkward and just didn't feel very good. She didn't want to be his practice dummy as he improved his technique so she'd just settled for the foot rubs he often gave her while they were flopped on the couch. He seemed to have his technique down for them.

He kept leaning his back more and more into her with each rub now. Every once and a while he'd give a small sigh. It was making her roll her eyes just a bit at him but it was also making her smile.

"Want me to do your back too?" She asked. Will was ticklish and she wanted to give him fair warning before she started moving down to the sensitive skin and taunt muscles there.

"Hells ya," he said, which just made her smile and shake her head even more at him. Some times the shit that came out of his mouth was just so goof ball – for a nearly 40-year-old man, who was supposedly some sort of leading mind in his field, as obscure as it was.

"I'm not doing this for you every day of the whole exam period, you know," she told him.

"Mmm, damn," he replied.

She gave another kiss just at his jaw line. "I thought that might be what you were shooting for."

She heard him snort at that.

"You know me too well."

"I've put up with you long enough to know your tricks," she retorted.

He shifted his head back a bit and rested it against her cheek for a moment.

"Why you still putting up with me, Liv?"

She pushed him back forward so she could keep working down his back, taking extra time to push her thumbs into the muscles in the lower part.

"Because I love you," she just said.

"Simplistic answer," he told her, his head hanging now in relaxation and contentment. He was nearly rolling his shoulders on his own with each of her movements.

"OK," she said. "I'm still putting up with you because you didn't give me much of a choice. I kept trying to get rid of you. You're dense, Will. You weren't taking the fucking hint."

He snorted. "Sure, I did. I thought, 'Gee, the new lady next door is fucking hot – but a fucking hot bitch.' Figures. The pretty ones are always the biggest bitches."

She did a karate chop to up at his shoulders again for that little comment and he made a noise but shot her a smile over his shoulder.

"You're still kind of bitchy," he told her.

She pushed her thumbs into him harder. "And you're still fucking dense – and don't excel at taking hints."

He laughed. "Well, you're still hot too."

She snorted. "Too late to turn on the charm, Will."

"Does beautiful work better? Because hot was likely the wrong word. I thought you were fucking beautiful. I still do."

She slowed her movements a bit. She knew he was attracted to her. He gave her little compliments here and there – but he was always a little shy and very casual about it. They were usually masked behind some other sort of comment or joke. He'd never directly called her beautiful before. It felt nice to hear.

She leaned forward and gave him another kiss – one on the side of the head and another on the ear lobe.

"Thank you for giving me a chance," he said quietly. "I know you didn't really want to."

She stopped what she was doing and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer to her and rested her chin on his shoulder, knocking his temple lightly with her own.

"I'm glad you were persistent," she told him. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you at the start."

She felt his cheek muscles rise against hers and knew he'd grown a smile across his face.

"I know it when I see something I want," he said.

"Mmm, I remember someone very specifically telling me they didn't want a relationship," she said.

He shrugged. "I didn't really then. Someone to water the plants when I was out of town – that's all I was looking for."

"Ah," she said. "I don't recall ever being asked to water plants."

"Yeah. I didn't have any plants."

She smiled – and rubbed her cheek against his some more. "We were in the hospital this time last year," she said quietly.

He nodded. "Losing our minds."

"We still are," she offered.

He shrugged. "In different ways."

"Yeah," she sighed. "I can't believe it's been a year."

"Long year. Busy year. A lot of changes," he said.

"Some good," she allowed.

He turned as much as she let him and placed a half kiss on her cheek. "I think some are really good," he told her seriously.

She snorted a little. "Yeah."

She ran her fingers up and down his chest from where she hands were hanging around him. He twitched a little under her touch but just sighed against her. His hands came up to hold hers – and she glanced around him to look and gave a small smile.

But as she hung her head around his bicep and cuddled into him, she glanced down and saw he really had been enjoying the massage. She gave a little snort – and she saw him look down too.

"Yeah, sorry," he said a little sheepishly. "It felt good. You must've hit some sort of pressure point."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, the kind that sends the blood flowing straight to your penis. You seem to have a lot of those."

He shrugged. "Whatever. It's a normal bodily reaction. There's a reason I don't go and get massages. Leave that job all for you."

She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "I'm such a lucky girl."

He laughed.

They hadn't done anything since the night where she'd almost completely fucked them up. She just hadn't felt comfortable getting back into bed with him intimately again after that. She felt a little disgusted with herself and a little scared about what she was thinking and doing at the time. She didn't like that she'd scared him either – or made him feel that uncomfortable. So she'd kind of imposed a break on them.

Will had said he was over it and had tried to initiate a couple times since – but she'd turned him down, and he was now clearly waiting for her to give the signal when she was ready to get back to that aspect of their relationship. He'd expressed that he thought they should. That that wasn't them and they needed to remind themselves who they were and what they had – especially with all the other stress they were dealing with. But that was kind of it – with all the other stress around her right now – how preoccupied she was, she just didn't trust herself. She didn't like that glimpse she'd seen. She was glad Will had put a stop to it. She thought if he'd just ploughed ahead, it would've been her that came out of it angry, hurt and revolted – and even though she initiated it, she knew she likely would've directed it at him. She really didn't want to think about it. If he hadn't stopped – it could've really created a strain on their relationship, she knew. It made her sad and angry at herself.

"I love you," she told him again.

He glanced at her. "I know. I love you too."

"No, I really love you. You're my best friend. Thank you for putting up with me. I don't know who else would."

"Elliot Stabler?" He offered.

She snorted against his shoulder. "Not the same way you do."

He made a 'yes' motion with one clenched fist. "I finally have confirmation that I have something over Stabler."

She knocked him with her weight and he let it rock him a bit. "You have a lot going for you – above and beyond Elliot Stabler."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mmm," she said, "For one, I would never, ever give Elliot a massage."

"He's missing out," Will offered.

She laughed – but rubbed her cheek against him more. "Stop comparing yourself to him, Will. You're my life partner – that counts for a lot more than a work partner. And I got to choose you. I didn't choose Elliot."

"Well, you didn't really get to choose me," he said. "You already said that I just couldn't take a hint."

She shrugged. "I'm glad I couldn't get rid of you. I don't think I'd trade you in for another model at this point. You're a pretty good make."

He smiled. "A one and only."

She laughed again. "I was thinking more of an original."


	109. Chapter 109

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She slid into the chair with her cup of tea and glared at him.

She didn't really like meeting out in public – especially that close to the Ledger. She felt like she could see other staff from the newspaper in the coffee shop. She didn't much want people who might recognize her – or him – seeing them together in what could be taken as a social situation and wondering what they were talking about. Things they may or may not have talked about had damaged both of their careers and reputations enough in the past – and she wasn't about to let that happen again. She also wasn't about to let him take up any more time in her life – especially any that could cause her more hurt or damage. She didn't have time for that either.

"Your missed the deadline, Kurt," she said. "So, I don't know what more there is to talk about at this point – especially without lawyers."

Kurt had ignored her original offer – and their next mediation meeting had gone ahead. And it had been as unproductive as usual. Now their last mediation was just two days away – and he'd called this meeting. She didn't much see the point of talking again. She was more looking forward to going and sitting through another useless little enforced pow-wow to try to work through their "issues". Then they could finally take their fucking horse-and-pony show to court and get a judge's ruling.

She just had to hope that enough had been said through the course of the mediation and enough information had been collected in the interviews with social workers and mediators and that enough documentation and arguments had been prepared by her lawyer – that it was just going to fall on her side. She knew it was a long shot. She knew that even fucking child abusers still had their biological parental rights favoured and were given visitation with their kids. She could just hoped that some how the legal system would see that what Kurt was doing was just a big scam.

He didn't want a relationship with Noah. If he did, he'd have one. He was just trying to hurt her – and basically bleed any money she had received from him right back out in legal fees.

He tapped a sugar packet against the table and looked at her.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to show," he said. "You're almost 25 minutes late."

She made a bit of a sarcastic frown at him. "So sorry to hold up your day."

He snorted and looked down. "You used to be a lot nicer, you know?"

"Well, I suppose getting jerked around for years by this kind of vindictive bastard that I had the misfortune of thinking was kind of a good guy has made me a little bitchier than previously, Kurt. I guess back then I wasn't quite as good of judge of character as I thought. But, you know, I think the maternal instincts help kick that up a notch. I see what you are now; who you are. So what do you want? This better be really, really good or we aren't having this chat without our lawyers present."

He was still examining the table – but she realized he was really examining her hand and she pulled it across the flat surface and onto her lap, getting the ring out of his sight. But it was too late.

"You got engaged?" He said. "To McTeague?" She didn't answer. "That just you trying to put the screws to me even more? Really taking the extra step to seal this process? I feel sorry for the guy."

She glared at him. "It has nothing to do with this RIDICULOUS custody suit you've opened," she spat at him. "Will has been in my and Noah's lives for four years. It was time to take the next step."

"Ah. So you can take the next step with him," Kurt snorted.

She shook her head. "Kurt – I am not going to have some sort of examination of our break-up again. It was a long time ago. You're a grown man. Get over it. Move on. I have – because of you."

He looked at her. "I wanted to talk to you before our mediation is up."

"So talk," she spat at him.

"Two days from now – that's your last opportunity to settle this outside of court. You know I'm going to win, if we get in front of a judge," he told her.

She glared at him. "I guess I just have to hope my lawyer is better than yours. I'm pretty sure she is."

He snorted. "Olivia, you know this has nothing to do with lawyers. It's the system. The judge isn't going to care I've been an absent father. He's not even going to care I'm in arrears on the support payments. The only thing that's going to matter is that that kid has my DNA in him. And, I'm pretty sure since I'm the one that filed the suit first – well, that's going to count for something too in establishing my interest in having a relationship with him."

"Kurt, you aren't interested in having a relationship with him," she told him seriously.

"Aren't I?"

She shook her head. "No, you aren't. If you were interested in having a relationship with him – you'd have a relationship with him. You've had lots of opportunity to do that – and you haven't even tried."

"I'm trying now," he said.

She laughed. "No, Kurt, you aren't. If you were trying now – you'd have filed an emergency visitation request to ensure you got to see your son, who has cancer, while we worked this out. I'm pretty sure that would've been granted too. You didn't do that. Why's that?"

She gazed at him. "I think it's because this isn't really about Noah, is it? This is about you – and you trying to make some sort of point to me. I get it, Kurt. Me ending up pregnant with your child has been a gross inconvenience in your life. And, I'm really, really sorry that that seems to be the way you feel. I've done my best for it to have as little impact on you – and your oh-so-important and self-serving career – as possible. I'm sorry that hasn't been enough for you. I'm sorry that you feel you need to punish me for it. But I am sick and tired of fighting with you.

"You are taking up time – and money – that I just don't have to waste on you. You are taking the resources I have away from my son – and I don't want to do this for another 12 years. I just don't. So I am asking you again – to just sign the paperwork. Let's not continue with this little show where, you're right, in the end you'll likely get granted a visitation schedule. But it's something we both know you have no intention of following. So, really, Kurt, what's the point of all this?"

"Does he know me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Kurt, how would he know you? He's seen you three times in his life. Two of which were when he wasn't even a toddler yet and the other you were some scary man yelling at his mother in the street."

"I mean, does he know McTeague isn't his father?"

She sighed. "Why does that matter?"

"It matters to me."

She looked at him hard. "He knows Will isn't his biological father. But, Kurt, Will has been in Noah's life since he was two years old. He is all my son knows – and Will IS my son's daddy. That isn't going to change no matter how this pans out. Will has worked VERY hard to earn that privilege. My son loves him – and my fiancé loves my little boy more than you will EVER even begin to understand."

"So what have you told him about me then?"

She rolled her eyes even harder. "What the hell am I supposed to tell him about you, Kurt? He's five. This all kind of falls outside of his frame of reference."

"So you bad mouth me to the kid," he said. "Make me into some sort of criminal. The bad guy – just because I didn't want kids."

"Well, Kurt, if you really didn't want kids – I guess you should've kept it in your pants."

"Or you could have just stayed on the birth control," he spat.

"I'm not even going to get you the satisfaction of reacting to what you're suggesting there, Kurt," she glared at him. "That doesn't even warrant any sort of response. But I think it's a good indication that this conversation is over." She started to stand up.

"I want to know what you say about me to him," he said again. "If he knows Will isn't his father – you must be telling him something."

She had half-ways risen but settled herself back into the chair for a moment. Still, she crossed her arms tightly.

"He knows that I made a baby with a friend. He knows that we aren't friends anymore. What else am I supposed to be telling him?"

"So that's all you're ever going to tell him? He deserves to know who he is – where he came from."

It was a line she used to believe in. She actually suspected it was something she may have said to him in conversation years ago that he had some how filed away and was spitting at her now.

The reality was that before she had Noah had had to deal with Kurt – she had really felt that way. But it was based on her experiences growing up – without a father and having never been given any explanation by her mother. She just knew he wasn't there and was left to wonder why? Why he didn't want to play with her? Why he didn't want to know her? Why he didn't want to see her grow up? She wondered if she looked like him – since she didn't think she looked much like her mother. She wondered if some of her talents and interests came from him when they differed from her mother. She created a sad little fantasy about who the man who fathered her was, that she would daydream about as a little girl. Then all that had been shattered, when as a teen her mother did tell her exactly what she was.

It still didn't provide the answer for who her father was. And, it certainly didn't provide answers for who she was. It did tell her where she came from, though, and it had shattered her and made her hate herself – and her mother – even more. It only drove her to more questions and increasingly dark lines of thoughts about who the man was and what it made her. It made her believe for much of her adult life so far – that children did deserve to know who they were and where they came from. She supposed she still did.

Noah did know – and would know more when he got older and started to ask more questions – who he was and where he came from. She wasn't keeping that from him. She just didn't want the man who fathered him anywhere near him right now, if she could help it. She wasn't sure she'd ever want him near Noah. That could be something Noah could decide when he was an adult.

She knew some adopted children sought out their biological parents because they felt some sort of gaping hole in their lives – that they just needed to know. But she hoped that wouldn't be the case with Noah. He was still so little when Will came into their lives. He'd grow up not knowing anyone other than Will as his father. She prayed that was enough to fill that hole for him. That her son wouldn't look into the mirror and wonder who he looked like. That he wouldn't discover some special talent that he couldn't draw back to having inherited from her or learned from Will – and wonder where it came from.

She didn't feel like she was denying Noah the opportunity to know where he came from or who he was. She felt like she was protecting him. She could deal with Kurt's vanishing acts, mind-fucks and general status as a self-centered, self-important, narcissistic asshole. Noah didn't need to deal with that. He was a little boy. All any of that could do is cause him hurt. Her son was having to deal with enough pain.

She was teaching herself too to think less about Kurt when she looked at her son. Rather than think that some physical feature was something that Noah may have inherited from his father – she focused on his learned traits. She'd watch him watching Will and she made note of the little habits and mannerisms that her son was picking up from him. Like how Noah would pull the rim of his baseball cap in three firm up-and-down motions before leaving it settled on his head or how he'd flip up the hood of his hoodie as he settled onto the couch to watch TV – not caring that they were inside and that she kept the temperature in the house turned up for him. How he'd fallen in love with comic books and how he thought the Yankees were about the bestest baseball team ever. How he'd save his mashed potatoes for just before he decided he was full at the dinner table and how'd he sit in the park and pull at the grass nervously rather than talk and then thread the stray pieces in his fingers over and over until they curled. She even was starting to feel Noah had learned some of Will's looks when he gazed at her with his deep eyes. That was who her son was – not Kurt's – hers and Will's.

"What he deserves is a father, Kurt," she told him. "I want him to have a father. I know what it's like to grow up without a father. A boy needs a man in his life."

"And McTeague is better suited for that than me – even though Noah isn't his?"

"Will knows what it means to be a father to my son, Kurt. Will helped change diapers. Will has given him baths. He has done homework with him. He has gone to parent-teacher conferences with me. He was at his first Tball game. He has been there for birthdays and Christmases. He has wiped his tears, bandaged scrapped knees, given him hugs. He has given him discipline and praise. And, he has been there every step of the way for Noah – and for me – during all his treatment. What have you done for him, Kurt?"

"He's my son," he said again.

She sighed. "We're talking in circles – and you still haven't told me what you want. Why did I come all the way over here, Kurt? We could've had this discussion – again – at the mediation."

Kurt just sat looking at her. She could see he was thinking but couldn't determine about what. But as their conversation continued she was feeling more and more like if she just kept chipping away she might be able to get what she wanted. He was looking for a way out of the mess he'd created, she thought - maybe. She just had to turn on her interrogation skills. Get him spinning in the way she needed.

"Look, Kurt, here's the reality. I wanted to be a mother. I really, really wanted to be a mother. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I was probably just as surprised as you. But I wasn't going to give up the opportunity to have a child just because it wasn't something you wanted. I already knew it was something you didn't want. I get it – you didn't want a baby. You don't want to have to be overly involved. I knew that. It was my decision to have the baby. That's fine.

"But, because I had that baby – you will always be a part of my life, whether I like it or not and whether you like it or not. But just because there will always be a piece of you playing a part in my life – doesn't mean I want you in my life. I don't. And, I really don't think you want to be in my life either. There is a way for both of us to get what we want here. It doesn't have to be this hard. We don't have to keep doing this."

He tapped at the table some more with his finger. "Will you tell him more about me as he gets older?"

She shrugged. "I don't make a habit of lying to my child," she said. "IF he starts asking more questions, I will give him age appropriate and emotionally manageable answers."

"You don't think he's going to ask who his father is at some point?"

She shrugged again. "I have no doubt that at some point, yes, he is going to want to know who his father is."

"But if I terminate my rights, I won't ever get to meet him," Kurt said.

She looked at him carefully. "Are you going to sign the paperwork?"

Now it was his turn to shrug.

"Just because you terminate your parental rights doesn't mean you'll never get to meet him. You just have no commitment to him – and I have no obligation to include you in how I raise him. You have no say. Meeting him won't be up to you. But there will reach a point where Noah will be old enough to make his own decisions about if he wants to know you and if he wants to attempt to establish a relationship with you."

"And you'd let him do that then?"

She gazed at him again. "You know we're talking about a decade or more down the road, right?"

He nodded.

She rubbed her eyebrow – trying to weigh if he was just trying to mind-fuck her.

"When Noah is an adult, he can make his own decisions about what sort of bullshit he wants to allow into his life. I'd damn-well interject my opinion into it – but I'm sure that will only count for so much at that point. It will be his choice."

"What about when he's a teenager?"

"Why does that matter?"

"I need an answer," he said.

She sighed. "Look, I really live my life day-to-day anymore, especially when it comes to him. I'm not going to speculate about what may or may not happen years down the road. I will tell you that I am raising my son to be an independent thinker with the ability to have thoughts, ideas and opinions of his own – and with the ability to make decisions. And, I deeply respect him as a person and I respect the fact that he is able to form thoughts on his own. I listen to him when he says something and when he tells me something or when he wants or needs something. But I will also say that I am his mother and it won't matter how old he is, I will do whatever I can to make sure he doesn't get hurt and I will protect him. While he's a minor – my opinion is still going to count even if he's 14 or 16 or whatever."

He sat looking at her for quite a while and she let the uncomfortable silence sit with him a while and turned her attention to sipping at her now lukewarm tea.

But then he pulled a small pile of papers out of his blazer's inside pocket. He unfolded the tri-fold and smoothed it out on the table and looked at it. She instantly recognized it as the termination of rights petition. Her heart leaped a bit but then her mind caught up with her and she began to wonder who was playing who here. She had to remind herself that Kurt was a journalist. He excelled at lines of questioning and spin too. Maybe she couldn't play the player.

"I've been looking at this a lot lately," he said, still without looking at her.

She took a sip of her tea again, letting his comment hang in the air for a moment.

"Like what you see? It's the easy way out, Kurt. You just need to sign it."

He looked at her. "Actually there's two things on here that stood out for me."

She raised her eyebrow. "Well, I'm sure the state would love to hear about their grammatical errors, if you want to play copy editor, Kurt. But it's a standardized form. There's not some trick or loophole in the wording."

He gave her a thin smile. "You might've been good in bed, Olivia, but that mouth of yours gets you in trouble outside of the bedroom, doesn't it?"

"You might want to watch how you talk to me," she said sternly.

"And you might want to watch how you talk to me too," he said back just as harshly.

He tapped on the table some more and she just took another sip of her tea – even though she was now fuming. But at that point she had no intention of leaving until he signed it, put it back in his pocket or tore it up. She knew he might just be stringing her along – but she just needed his fucking signature.

How many times had she got perps to write out and sign a confession? It was doable when something was eating away at them. She knew this had been eating away at Kurt since the day he found out she was pregnant. She just needed to get him to put the pen to the paper – so they could finally be done with each other.

He eventually pointed to the line containing her son's name – identifying him as the dependent he was terminating his rights to.

"He has a middle name," Kurt said. "I don't know if I knew that. I've always just written Noah on any of my paperwork."

She looked at him. "Evan," she said.

He nodded. "I didn't know that. How'd you pick his names?"

She looked to the ceiling for a moment, trying to calculate where the hell this was going.

"Some baby name websites."

"I know you, Olivia, there's more to them then that," he said and met her eyes.

She kept the eye contact. "Maybe. But that's all you're getting."

It was him who broke the contact first and looked back to the papers. "The other thing …" he started and stopped and shook his head and sighed a little. "I've been writing his birthday wrong. May 31st."

She gazed at him. "It's the 27th," she said.

She wanted to be angry. She actually wanted to be enraged at him. But he seemed to know how pathetic it was that he didn't even know the day his child was born – and yet he was putting up this fight about rights. It was ridiculous. She almost had a momentarily lapse of feeling sorry for him – or at least the humiliation he must be feeling.

He shrugged a bit but was still looking at the paperwork. "I thought it was the 31st," he said again.

"Well, Kurt, I was there and I'm pretty certain it was May 27th. You want to know the time?"

He glanced at her.

"7:14 p.m.," she said extremely purposely and as slowly and directly as she could muster.

"That's coming up soon," he said. "He'll be six?" It really did sound more like a question than a statement.

"Yes, his birthday is soon and he will be six," she confirmed for him.

"What are you getting him?" He asked.

She looked at him harshly. "I'm not going to go into that with you."

He nodded. "I'd still like to know."

"And I'm still not getting into that with you."

He looked down again for a moment. "You know, when you've made those comments about me not knowing Noah and that I wouldn't be able to even answer that interview question about talking about him … I thought it didn't really matter. That, you know, when I wanted to, I could fix that – get to know him. My job is to get to know people. How hard is it to get to know a pre-schooler, right? But this …" he tapped on the paper work again. "I don't even know this. This is basic stuff. These are the kind of facts that I know about every one of my interview subjects, the sort of thing that you get demoted if you get consistently wrong – and I don't even know them about this kid. Not only don't I know them – I've been putting them down on paper work falsely."

She looked at him. He'd noticed he reverted to just calling Noah "this kid" or "the kid" – not his son.

"Kurt, sign the paperwork," she said slowly.

He shook his head and gazed at her.

"Tell me about him. Tell me what your answer was to the 'tell me about Noah' question," he said.

"Sign the petition, Kurt," she said again.

He shook his head again and pulled out his phone. He flashed his calendar at her, showing her a notation for later that afternoon – that she knew didn't really mean anything. Anyone can enter an appointment into their calendar. But still.

"I've got an appointment with my lawyer this afternoon," he said. "To get this witnessed and notarized. But I want you to answer my question. I want you to tell me about him – and then I'll go to that appointment and I will sign these papers like you want."

She watched him carefully, trying to get a read on him.

"If you are playing me," she said, "if you are on a fact-finding mission before our mediation meeting, before court, I will run you into the ground, Kurt, with whatever fucking legal means necessary. I won't tolerate it."

"I'm not playing you," he said.

She wasn't sure she believed him. But she sighed – and rubbed at her eyebrow.

"He's bright. He's an early reader. He loves arts and crafts and he loves his Legos. He's very visual – really spatial actually. He wants to be an astronaut when he grows up. Star Wars and Batman are his favourite things for the moment. He likes the Yankees, a lot, and he's playing Tball this spring. He is a bubbly, silly little boy. He makes me laugh a lot – and he makes me very happy, Kurt."

"Do you have a picture I can see?"

She didn't want to show him a picture but she hesitantly complied, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She flipped around her albums and purposely picked one with Noah and Will. It was from their holiday. Will had Noah hoisted up and resting against his one hip. He was holding him above the high waves that they spent hours jumping and bobbing up and down in – as Noah mastered the boogie board. Will was looking off into the distance and pointing at something – likely one of the pelicans that they'd become obsessed with spotting while they were down there. Noah thought they looked like pterodactyls, which to him was just mind-bogglingly awesome. But in the photo, her son wasn't following Will's pointing finger. He was clinging to Will's neck and gazing at him like he thought whatever the man was saying was about the coolest and most interesting thing ever.

She handed the phone to Kurt and he looked at it for what seemed like quite a while.

"He looks like you," he said eventually.

She nodded. "So I've been told."

"That's McTeague?" He asked.

"That's Will," she corrected – again.

"Noah looks really comfortable with him," he commented.

"He is."

"What's the thing on his chest?"

"A port," she said. "So they don't always have to be using needles every time he needs an IV or chemo or to have blood taken."

He looked at her. "Did he need surgery for that?"

"Yes."

He looked back at the photo. "Is the hat because of the sun or because of hair loss?"

"The sun that day – but he does wear it because he lost most of his hair. Some of it is growing back now."

He nodded again and handed the phone back to her.

"He looks sick," he said.

She looked at the photo – and smiled despite his comment. She loved the photo and she thought her son looked beautiful in it and amazingly happy.

"He actually looks really good there, Kurt. That's not him looking sick."

He gazed at her for a moment and then looked down.

"I want a photo once a year. You can pick the month. But I want you to send me a photo once a year."

She watched him. "You realize that me agreeing to that isn't legally binding?"

"I'm asking you, Olivia, to send me one photo a year."

"Why?"

"To make sure he's OK. And, I want you to get in touch with me too if something happens to him."

"Like cancer?" She spat. He'd done such a good job at reacting to that being wrong.

"Like he dies," he said.

She quickly looked away. She felt tears spring to her eyes with him using the word. It wasn't how she said it – or how anyone around her said it when it did have to be discussed in some manner. And she avoided thinking about that. She almost refused to. She couldn't let her mind go there. It hurt too much.

But hearing it come out of Kurt's mouth felt like a firm slap across her face. A betrayal even worse than everything else he'd put her through – and for him to ask her for the privilege of having her think of him and inform him when something terrible happened to her son seemed like an extra, near fatal, stab.

"No," she said, looking back at him, and willing the water she still felt in her eyes to not form into tears and fall out.

"No?"

"No," she said again harshly. "You're signing the papers or you're not. I'm not negotiating with you. This is about cutting off our ties, Kurt. I am not handing you pieces of myself, or my son, to get you to sign it. I'd rather take my chances in court."

Kurt glared at her for a long time – and she refused to divert her harsh stare either, though she had to bite on her bottom lip to keep herself from shaking and the tears from coming. It was taking everything in her to not stand from the table – or worse, jump across it and grab him and start bashing his righteous face into the tabletop as hard as she could. She wanted to kick him. She wanted to punch him. She wanted to get into his face and scream at him about exactly what she thought of him – and how he could go fuck himself. She wanted to make him hurt the way he was making her hurt right then. To make him get some glimpse of the pain she'd dealt with over the past year – of the struggles she'd fought to surmount being a single mother. She wanted him to know what he'd put her through. She wanted him to pay for it.

He stuffed the papers back into his jacket pocket and stood. She felt her lip shake more – but tried to suck it in so it wouldn't be a visible tremble. She wouldn't breakdown in front of him. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction – the ammunition. He started to walk away and she didn't look at him.

He was out of sight. But she heard from behind her, "The paperwork will be at your lawyer's office by tomorrow afternoon. Goodbye Olivia. Good luck."

She didn't turn-around. She waited – listening between the noise and bustle in the coffee shop for the little bell a top of the door to jingle and she then counted to 30, making sure she gave him time to walk by any windows and out of sight. And then she collapsed her head into hands and shoved their heels into her eye sockets and sucked back a sob that shook her whole body.


	110. Chapter 110

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

At that point she was walking so fast she might as well have started jogging to the baseball field.

Will had been sending her unimpressed text messages for the last 40 minutes, initially starting out as "Where are you?" but now having reached "Liv, WTF?" He had also been sure to send some photos of Noah in his little uniform. Her son looked heart-meltingly cute in the outfit with the white pants and red knee-socks and cap plastered with Upper West Side Hawks logos. She actually thought getting to see him in the uniform - and his pride and excitement about it – and her getting to take pictures of that was about worth the entire registration fee. But for each photo Will was sending here that afternoon, he was accompanying them with "YOU'RE MISSING THIS."

When she finally did reach the field, it didn't take her long to spot Will. They always ended up standing away from the rest of the parents and other onlookers. So at the moment, Will was standing out of the way, in the shade of a tree, by himself. Shifting his weight from foot-to-foot and occasionally clapping and calling out encouragement to Noah who playing short-stop at the moment.

Neither her or Will really excelled at socializing with other parents. She'd tried before – repeatedly - but it wasn't really her thing. The small talk or the chit-chat about schools and television shows and the gossip of the Upper West Side – about new restaurants, new stores, upcoming events, municipal decisions or just where to take the kids on a Saturday afternoon. She just wasn't interested. That kind of talk just wasn't really her, even on the best of days. To have to endure it after a day at work – when she was tired, distracted and usually a little frazzled – then it really wasn't her thing.

It was even worse with the parents giving the critiques of the kids' play and sporting abilities - or getting a little too riled up about the game. Seriously, she thought, they're little kids, it's supposed to be fun. But some of the dads seemed to despise the rules that everyone got to play and everyone got to bat. They hated even more that the kids were allowed to wander off and not play an inning if they got bored but were then let back onto the field for the next round, if they decided they wanted to play again. They felt somehow their abilities should dictate who got to take-part. She thought the entire thing was ridiculous when it was basically supposed to be a learning programme for the kids. And, they were talking kids ranging for four to six here, attention spans and athletic abilities weren't exactly at their peak. Still, watching how some of the parents reacted to it all really didn't make her that excited about having to endure years of organized sports. She could just imagine what it would be like when the kids graduated to a league that actually kept score or started in on the tournament rounds.

She supposed it didn't help either that her and Will were both fairly private people – if not loners in some ways. Making friends with strangers just to play nice didn't really fit into either of their mindsets. Though, she thought they both knew it was just part of being a parent and kind of perquisite in helping Noah make friends and ensuring he was developing relationships with other kids – maybe even getting him invited to a few play-dates or birthday parties. But it didn't change the fact that neither of them liked doing it very much.

So they often went and did the small talk while the kids got geared up and started their practice before the game. But as the play started, they'd usually end up slowly moving away until they'd managed to separate themselves from the group and they could watch the game in peace – and chat amongst themselves or just enjoy watching Noah doing something that he was clearly enjoying.

They really hadn't been making it out to as many games or practices as they should, though. They definitely had already more than exceeded the two missed-games limit that was loosely imposed on the families in the league. But the league had known that before they even started the season. She knew their notable absence and Noah's sickly appearance had made their family a part of the team chit-chat among the parents. That bothered her. She also didn't like that many of the mothers felt that it was an opening for them to ask her about her son; to quiz about how he was doing and to comment on if he looked particularly sick or particularly well on a certain week. Some seemed to feel it was appropriate to say, "It's so sad" or "It must be so hard for you", which she really didn't appreciate. She hated the pitying looks they gave her even more.

She didn't want anyone's pity – or sympathies or condolences. And, she certainly didn't want them from strangers who knew nothing about her, her son or her family. That was another thing she'd always liked about Will. He didn't do pity. He hated receiving pity – he'd experienced enough of that too after his wife died – and he refused to hear any of it. He wouldn't think-twice about walking away from those oh-so-sad-so-sorry faces people would make.

Will didn't believe in pity parties either. He just wouldn't tolerate it. It was something she loved about him – and that attitude had really helped keep her grounded during everything with Noah. She wasn't one to fall into a whine or a wallow of feeling sorry for herself usually. She generally looked at life as just dealing with what you were given. You just had to make the best of it and keep trudging forward. As far as she was concerned that was the only option.

Life isn't pretty – but it's life, she'd long ago accepted. You had to take the good with the bad and try to keep the faith that there really was more good than bad waiting for you somewhere in the life you lived. Sometimes you just had to put in the effort to see it – or to make sure it was there and you weren't blind to it. But there were certainly moments with all they'd been dealing with in Noah's illness that she'd wondered why it had happened to her son – that she wanted to feel sorry for herself and wallow in it rather than deal with it. Will's steady commitment to them and his attitude and reminders always pulled her out of it whenever she started to slip.

They didn't have time for pity – their own self-pity or others thinking they needed it. They just wanted to live their lives as best they could with what they had. As far as they were concerned – they could keep going ahead as normally as possible. Their family was normal – and Noah being out playing Tball was an example of just how normal, mundane and routine their lives were. They weren't going to let some privileged idiots take that way from them by pointing out that "Gee, he looks really sick this week – that must be so hard for you." They had no idea – and she hoped they never would. She wasn't going to let them pretend they could understand.

"Hey," she said to Will as she finally reached him.

He glanced at her. She could tell he was a little pissed at her tardiness. "You're late," he said, stating the obvious with a really annoyed tone in his voice.

She nodded. "Yeah. The line was backed up."

He looked at her. "For 45 minutes?"

She sighed. "Cut the attitude, Will. I got held up at a meeting with Gwen and then there was back up on the line up here. I got here as soon as I could."

He gazed at her for a moment and then went back to watching Noah.

"We agreed that you wouldn't miss game days unless you were called out or held up out on case," he said, not looking at her. "We wouldn't have signed him up if you didn't think you could manage it. You said you could. Parents missing games – that's shit that stays with kids. They remember that."

She glared at the side of his head. "I am not missing his game. I am a little late. We live in the city. Shit happens. I got held up. I'm sorry."

He looked at her again. "Don't apologize to me. It's Noah you owe an apology."

She shook her head at him, broke the eye contact to examine the ground and rubbed her eyebrow. He'd just pissed her off. "OK, whatever, Will. I guess I forgot how perfect and timely you are all the time."

A hit ended up near Noah and he ran towards it and then fumbled around on the ground a little too much before he managed to pick it up and send it in to a pretty sad throw to first base, where the little runner had already reached. The kid on first base left his position to go get the ball, which had only made it about half way towards him. The runner could've easily made a run for it to second base – but apparently didn't realize. He actually looked more interested in watching what her son's team was doing with trying to pick up the ball. They definitely need to practice with Noah some more, she thought.

But despite the sad scene and ridiculous play, Will clapped loudly and called out, "Good job, Noah." He then raised his hand high above her head and pointed down at her. "Mom's here," he called out louder.

She reached her hand into the air and waved at him. "Hi, Noah. Good hustle, sweets."

She saw his face brighten and he waved back, hopping a little bit in his position and now glancing over at them a bit more than likely he should've been. His attention should've been focused on attempting to play the game.

"I thought the final mediation was tomorrow," Will finally said after they stood watching the game in silence for a while. "Were you just meeting with Gwen to go over things beforehand?"

She glanced at him. He wasn't looking at her and still had his arms cross over his chest. "No mediation tomorrow," she just said.

Now he did glance at her and make brief eye contact. "Kurt dragging this bullshit out even more?"

She shook her head. "No." She handed him the manila envelope she was carrying.

He took it but gave her a questioning look. "What's this?"

"Open it," she nodded at him.

His face creased with more question, but she watched as his hands worked at untwining the piece of string keeping the envelope shut and then he pulled the papers, which were stamped with a bright red COPY imprint. He stood looking at the first page a long time, like he wasn't understanding what he was seeing. She watched his forehead wrinkle as he read in concentration, a questioning frown almost playing his face. He then flipped the few pages to the last page and stared at it. She watched his face soften a bit – but she could still see the confusion. She knew he was looking at her and Kurt's notarized signatures on the termination of parental rights petition – signed and witnessed and stamped by their respective lawyers.

He finally brought his eyes to her and examined her carefully. "He signed them," he said with a disbelief and deep questioning in his voice.

She nodded. "He signed them. I was at Gwen's picking up our copy and signing – so she can file it at family court."

Will shook his head. "How? I mean, why? Why now?"

She shrugged. "I don't think he really wanted to take it to court. It was basically his last opportunity to withdraw before we ended up in front of a judge."

Will shook his head some more. "But why? Why put us through all of that just to sign the papers now?"

"I don't know, Will," she sighed. "I guess he decided he'd hurt me enough. That he didn't really want to have a court imposed visitation schedule he was supposed to abide by. That he really didn't want a relationship with Noah. That he really doesn't know Noah. I don't know. The important thing is he signed them."

"But how did Gwen convince him? Convince his lawyer?"

She rubbed her eyebrow some more and examined the ground for a moment. She looked at him sideways. "I talked to him," she said quietly.

He did a bit of a double-take and shook his head again. "What do you mean you talked to him? At mediation?"

She shook her head. "No, Will. I've had two meetings with him without lawyers."

He gazed at her. "You had two meetings with him without lawyers?" She nodded. He shook his head vigorously in more disbelief. "You shouldn't have done that. That could've really backfired. What the hell did he say? What did you say?"

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter. The important thing is that I got that signature on that stack of papers, Will."

He looked at them in his hands again – staring at the signatures in silence for what felt like a long time. He looked at her. "So this is it? It's done?" He asked, the small start of a smile beginning to appear.

She sighed. "Sort of. Not really." He raised his eyebrows at her. "There's still the possibility that the judge won't approve it. There will be some back-and-forth about the support payments, which will be fine, I'll just give them up. There might be more discussion about what to do about the ones currently in arrears, Gwen said. I might just say fuck it to those too. And there will likely have to be some sort of statement about why I wanted the termination and understanding what it means, etcetera."

"Kurt will be there?"

She shrugged. "Hopefully not. It will be easier if he isn't. I don't think he will be. I got the impression that he's done. That we're done."

Will examined her. "This is a good thing, though, right? You don't seem as happy about it as I thought you would be if this happened?"

She gave him a smile. "You don't seem quite as excited about it as I thought you'd be either."

He sighed. "I'm just confused. I don't understand what happened. But I'm really glad he signed the papers, Liv. Really glad." He reached out and gripped her hand.

She examined the ground a bit and then settled her eyes on him. "Will, I need you to take some time off work tomorrow morning."

He looked at her confused. "OK?"

She rubbed at her eyebrow some more and griped his hand tighter. "It would be better if we file the termination petition with the adoption paperwork. Put them in at the same time."

She made better eye contact with him as she said it and looked at him. His eyes had gotten a bit bigger and his jaw looked like it was sitting a little slack. He kept gripping and re-gripping her hand. She actually thought he was crushing her fingers just a little bit without realizing, so she reached up and rubbed his bicep, trying to still him.

He shook his head and looked at the sky. "Wow," he said and rubbed his free hand slowly down his face. He looked back at her. "Really?"

She nodded. "Yes, Will."

The smile finally started to grow on his face. "Wow," he said again.

She put her hand on his chest. "We need to go in and sign the paperwork. But, Will, Gwen said it might not be granted either. She said that judges usually wait until the couple has been married for at least a year before granting step-parent adoption. But she said we can argue extenuating circumstances: that Noah is sick, that you've been a support in that – in physical presence, emotionally and financially. That we've been in a stable – or at least exclusive - relationship for almost four years, that we're engaged. If we can give a date, even better, or we might end up having to go and do the deed at City Hall like you said, just to get it done. We can do something else later.

"She said, though, to get it granted as extenuating circumstances we might have to allow a home visit and for them to speak with your family and some of our support network too. To confirm the relationship and your commitment to us – because adoption is permanent, Will. He'll be legally yours. If something happened between us – all this crap we've been doing with Kurt about financial responsibility and visitation and custody and all of it – that'd fall into your lap. You will be tied to him for the rest of his life."

Will shook his head. "That's all fine. That's what I want, Liv. That's what I really, really want. Whatever, Liv. I'll do whatever. Whatever that needs to be done."

She watched him turn his head to look at Noah - again. His team was up to bat now and Noah had on a batter's helmet that made his head look about the size of a watermelon and seemingly much heavier with the way his head was bobbing around. But he seemed content, just hanging off the fence waiting his turn to try to whack the ball off the tee.

"You're sure, though?" He asked. There was still a disbelief in his voice.

She snorted. "Yeah, Will, I'm pretty fucking sure."

He looked at the sky again – shaking his head. "Fuck. You're going to really let him be mine – be my son?"

She squeezed his hand again and stepped closer to him and tilted her head up and placed her lips on his jaw line. "Will, he is yours. Look at him there right now – how is that not you?"

Noah was doing the same nervous shifting from foot-to-foot as Will had been doing when she'd found him standing in the park. He was also shifting the helmet up and down on his forehead. He'd moved from hanging off the fence and was now readying to head up to bat. But he'd decided rather than rest it on his shoulder and do some practice swings, it made the most sense to straddle the bat between his legs like he thought it might make a good pretend horse. Or maybe more like he would rather be playing a game of Quidditch. They'd been working on reading the first Harry Potter novel. Either way, though, it was not really the best form for before heading up to bat.

Will smiled. "He needs to scratch his balls more," he commented.

She laughed. "No, I don't think that's a habit he needs to learn – especially in public, even if he is going to be a fucking baseball rat."

He kissed her forehead. "Fuck." He looked at her. "You've been working on this for a while? This isn't something that just happened today?"

She gave him a small smile. "Maybe."

"How long?"

She looked down. She felt a little like she had been lying to him even if it had been a good lie. "Likely since someone gave me a ring."

"Since before you said yes?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, since before I said yes."

He shook his head at her. "You know you're kind of fucked up, right?"

She snorted. "Yes. We both know that. But thanks for pointing that out again. Asshole."

He looked at her seriously. "I love you."

She smiled. "I know. You had a crappy way of showing it when I got here, though."

He sighed and looked at the grass. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Prof. McGrouchy."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said. "Whatever."

"Prof. Daddy McGrouchy," she offered instead.

He smiled. "I think I like the sounds of that better."

She put her cheek against his shoulder for a moment and looked at Noah again as he wobbled up to home plate, carrying the bat that really did look a bit too big and heavy for him. He looked to them and fiercely waved again. They both smiled and waved back – as he worked at squaring himself up on the plate and lining his bat up with the ball.

"I think I like the sounds of it too," she admitted.


	111. Chapter 111

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah was completely draped on top of her, as she sat on the hospital bed in the ER that he was refusing to lay down on. Instead, he had his legs dangling on either side of her waist and was clinging to her neck – his face buried against her chest. He still felt so hot to her. She kept resting her cheek on the top of his head and rubbing his back a little, trying to relax him or even get him to drift to sleep. She thought that might be better. But she could just feel his little heart beating against hers.

"You're sure you don't want to lay down, sweets," she asked again. "I can lay with you."

He silently shook his head against her.

"OK," she said again and pulled him a little closer. He wasn't sitting on her in the most comfortable position. She felt her own legs starting to fall asleep and his butt just kept sliding down her legs. She hoisted him up a bit again and tried to settle herself onto the edge of the bed in a more comfortable way for how he wanted to be held.

He'd been acting a little off that afternoon when she'd picked him up from school. Initially she thought he was just tired. But he'd been such a ball of energy lately, it was a notable change. He'd had a slight fever the past few days – and she'd called it into their nurse practitioner, but had just been told not to worry until she got at least three readings of 100 F in a 24-hour period or he hit 101 F. So she'd tried to listen and not get worried. She told herself he was likely just a little tired because his body was working at the slight fever. His temperature hadn't been too bad when she'd gotten him home – so she'd initially pushed it out of her head and started going about the afternoon routine with him.

Will was off at the university with his night course. Usually she liked those nights in a way. She'd get alone time with her son – to play and bond and take sole responsibility for getting his snack, looking over his school portfolio, playing, making up dinner, watching tv, and then starting the bedtime routine of bath, PJs and story-time. She liked having the one night a week of still having her little boy all to herself. Noah usually seemed to like her undivided attention too. But that afternoon, rather than wanting to play, he'd actually disappeared into his bedroom as she worked at cutting up an apple for him and smearing each slice with peanut butter.

She'd found him laying on top of his covers on his one side, looking sad and uncomfortable.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" She'd asked.

"I'm cold," he'd whined at her.

"Well, then maybe we should get you under the covers," she'd suggested. "Are you going to take a nap before dinner?"

Still, she knew then it was likely more than just a slight fever – if he was having chills too. Her son had weakly nodded and let her pulled back the covers and tuck them around him. She'd sat on the edge of the bed and stroked his head. He did feel a little warm and clammy to her. But he just closed his eyes under her touch and she'd decided to let him rest for a while and see how he was doing at dinner.

He had come out to get some food – but not before making her dig through his drawers and find some of his flannel weight winter pajamas for him. Even after she got him into those, he'd still wanted a hoodie and had pulled the hood up over his head and tugged on the strings until it puckered to the point she could barely see his face. He was still cold.

At the table she'd sat and watched him trying to eat with his right hand, fumbling his broccoli off his fork.

"Sweetie, use your other hand," she'd told him – not initially computing why he wasn't using his dominant hand. He'd shook his head and told her it hurt.

"What hurts, honey?" She'd asked.

"All of it," Noah had said so sadly and quietly.

At that point she was already considering taking him to the hospital. But she really didn't have to think very long – about two minutes later he'd vomited what he had gotten into his stomach right back onto the dinner table before she was able to go and grab him the small puke dish that they usual kept nearby while he was doing chemo. But it had been shuffled back into a bottom cupboard while he was on his hold.

After cleaning him up and changing his hoodie for him, she'd worked at wiping up the chunks off the table and had first called his nurse, followed by Will, followed by a cab. In the midst of it – she'd taken his temperature and it had come back the magic 101 F. Her anxiety level had kicked up a notch at that.

They'd been lucky. The hospital knew they were coming so they didn't have to wait long in the ER. But they were still in the ER – and Gina had only offered that the hospital staff would check him out. It might be nothing, she'd said, it could just be the flu. But Olivia had decided months ago that even nothing for healthy kids was something for cancer kids – no matter how much of a minor blip it might be.

"Can we go home now Mommy?" Noah asked against her.

She looked down at him again. "No, sweetheart. We have to wait until the doctor comes and talks to us."

She felt like they'd gone through a flurry of activity since arriving – though no one had really told her much of anything yet and it was frustrating her. A nurse had been in several times to take her son's vitals. Another nurse had come in to take his blood – and Noah had screamed such bloody murder about her trying to do it through his port that she'd ended up just finding a vein in his arm instead. Olivia had had to coax him and eventually beg him to pee for her to get a urine sample out of him. But he'd still been acting so tired and weak, she'd ended up having to help him – holding the cup for him and adjusting his pants as he tried to pull them back into place with just his one arm. Then they'd been sent for chest rays. Since then, though, they'd been left sitting in the little exam room – waiting while the lab and radiologists ran the results and the doctor found the time to come in and finally examine her son and tell them what the hell was going on.

"I don't want to stay, Mommy," Noah said. "I want to go home."

She rubbed his back again. "I know, sweetheart. We have to wait and see what the doctor says though."

"Where's Will?" He nearly cried.

She looked at her watch. Will's lecture would just be finishing. He'd hopefully be there within about half-an-hour. "Daddy's at work, sweets. He'll be here soon."

"How soon?"

She kissed his hot temple. "Maybe about 40 minutes. You want to look at my watch and get the time so we can start counting the minutes?"

He pulled away from her a little bit and she brought up her wrist for him to see. "OK, sweetheart, it is 9:05, right? So do you know what 40 minutes would be? Where'd the hand be?"

Noah considered the watch for a long time and then brought his finger up and quietly started counting. She kissed his cheek as he did. "There," he eventually told her.

She nodded. "You're right. Very good, Noah. So Will should hopefully be here by 9:45."

She wanted to text him or call him but one of the nurses had snapped at her earlier when she was using the phone in the room and had told her she had to leave the exam area to do that. She wasn't about to leave her son sitting in the room alone so she'd just put the phone back in her pocket – even though every fiber of her wanted to tell-off the nurse. She was considering taking her chancing and texting Will anyways – screw the possibility of interfering with some machines. Her son wasn't on any at the moment.

"Then can we go home, Mommy?"

"We'll go home when the doctor says we can, Noah," she told him.

"I want to go home now," he flopped himself back against her chest but then jumped harshly and his eyes glassed over.

"Are you OK, Noah?" She asked, nearly shocked at his involuntarily reaction and the sudden pain that had seemed to rip through his little body.

"It hurts," he looked up at her with tears in his eyes.

She nodded. "OK, baby, I know. The doctor will be here soon."

"I want to go to bed," Noah cried now.

"OK," she said and drew him to her tighter. "I'm laying down, Noah," she warned him.

She swung her legs up onto the bed and used her one arm to prop herself up as she managed to wriggle her ass to the centre of the narrow exam bed and find something that almost resembled a comfortable spot. She bent forward quickly, kicking the thin blanket that had been left at the foot of the bed for Noah up closer to her hands and unfolded it – setting it across her legs and pulling it up their bodies as she lay back and let her son's weight settle on top of her. She adjusted the pillow under her head and tucked the blanket over them more. Noah moved his head and cuddled his face deeper into her neck. She patted his lower back.

"OK, sweetheart, now close your eyes and try to sleep. Mommy's going to try to rest too."

He didn't say anything but she watched him until he did comply and then she closed her eyes too – just feeling his slow breathing rise and fall against her. She wrapped her arms around him and prayed that the ER doctor would hurry up and get them admitted or send them home.

She wasn't sure how long they'd been laying like that – but it must've been a while – and she must've actually drifted off because when she heard the doctor come in and introduce himself – it was Will's voice that answered his greeting first. She opened her eyes and rotated her head to see Will sitting in the hard, wooden chair next to the bed. He gave her a thin smile.

She tried to sit up but Noah was completely passed out and sleep-weight against her. It was awkward. Will eventually stood and moved to lift him off of her.

"Be careful," she told him a little too quickly. "Something is hurting him down his left side, don't lift him under his arm pits like that. Just help me sit up."

The doctor watched – almost looking uninterested, if not annoyed.

"You don't have him in a gown," he'd stated.

Olivia looked at him. "I do. He was cold. I put his pants back on under it and his hoodie on over top."

"Wake him up. Take the hoodie off," he'd said quickly, looking at Noah's chart.

She glanced at Will – unimpressed with the doctor they'd been stuck with. But she gently shook her son and gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling him it was time to wake up. Noah stirred and his eyes fluttered but they came back shut.

"Can't be that bad, then," the doctor said, watching the scene.

Olivia glared at him even more. "What did you say your name was?"

"Dr. Stephanfic," said the short little man, who probably wasn't too far out of residency and clearly already too jaded by all the non-emergency patients and the march of gunshot wounds, drunks, overdoses and homeless that paraded through the ER.

"Well, Dr. Stephanfic – my son has leukemia. He is on a chemo hold. His ANCs are completely bombed out. We have been instructed to be monitoring his temperature – and at dinner tonight he had a temperature of 101 degrees – right after he puked his supper all over the table. He has been complaining of chills and has been freezing since I got him home from school and his left side is in so much pain that he couldn't use his fork at the table and nearly hit the roof in here when he moved against me the wrong way. So, I think he's bad enough to be here – and, if you aren't able to see that, you can get our NP Gina on the phone – because she's the one who told me to bring him in. And, if that's not enough – then I want you to go out that door and page Dr. Covens."

He just looked at her. "His labs show he has an infection. It might just be neutropenic fever. But I want to examine his port. Take off his sweatshirt."

Will moved over to her where Noah was still resting against her. "Here, Liv, let me help," he offered.

She put up her arm to block him and continued to glare at the ER doctor. "I can do it."

She worked at pulling the sweatshirt over her son's head and he finally seemed to wake up a bit.

"No, Mommy," he mumbled at her.

"Noah, the doctor is here to see you now. You need to wake up for a bit, sweets."

She handed the hoodie to Will, who was now hovering beside her.

The doctor still looked at her. "It'd be helpful if you could either turn him towards me or set him on the bed so I can examine him," he said.

She stood from the bed and worked at getting Noah to let go of her, so she could deposit him back onto the table, promising him it would only be for a few minutes.

Stephanfic stepped forward and yanked the left shoulder of Noah's gown down, and looked at the port.

"How long has the skin there been red like that?" He asked.

"Since he's had the port," she spat at him. She didn't like him and she didn't like being stuck in the ER. She wanted to get up to Noah's pediatric unit – with doctors who knew him and his medical history and with nurses that ensured her boy was comfortable. And into an area of the hospital that Noah knew and wasn't intimidated by – not like this sterile place that seemed to be radiating with negativity and slow productivity.

"I need him to sit up," the doctor said.

Olivia helped her son sit up and he gave her sad eyes. "Mommy, I want to go home."

"Soon, sweets," she told him again.

"Tell me if this hurts," the doctor said. He lifted Noah's arm and supporting his shoulder moved it forward, back and then up. Noah's tears started at the forward movement and the screaming started with the upward movement. Olivia could barely tolerate watching it. She could almost feel her son's pain shooting through her own arm and shoulder with each movement.

The doctor brought down his arm and tapped his shoulder. "It's OK, Noah. I'm done."

He looked at her. "I think he's got an infection or blockage in his port. He'll probably need it pulled – maybe a new one put in depending on where you are with your protocol. I'll admit him. I'll have the nurse come in and get him on some antibiotics and pain reliever right now. We should monitor his fever and other vitals overnight given the circumstances. Your oncologist can decide what to do about the port in the morning. Some orderlies will be in to get him moved to an in-patient bed after we've found one for you."

"I want him moved up to pediatric oncology," Olivia said seriously to him.

The doctor tapped at the chart. "Yeah, we'll give them a call and see if they have a bed up there for you tonight. Otherwise we'll just get him into one of the pediatric's beds."

"He is going into oncology," Olivia said again – this time more sternly.

The doctor looked at her for a moment but then allowed, "I'll see what we can do." He disappeared from the room.

She looked at Will. "I don't want to know how much my insurance company will be paying for that," she said. "We waited nearly four hours for that."

Will shrugged. "What can you do, Liv?"

"That was ridiculous," she told him.

She turned back to Noah and gave him a kiss and wiped at his tears on his cheeks. "Are you OK, sweets?"

"It hurts," he said again.

She nodded. "I know, sweetheart. And he wasn't very gentle, was he."

Noah shook his head – and she started to help him get his hoodie back on. She put the hood up for him and hugged him to her.

"Now can we go home?" Noah asked.

"No, Noah," she said and crouched down so they were making eye contact. "The doctor said we're going to sleep here tonight. Then we're going to see Dr. Covens or one of your other doctors upstairs in the morning. The doctor said it's your port that's making you hurt and not feel well."

"It hurts," he told her again.

She nodded. "I know, sweetheart. They're going to bring you something to help with that."

"And then we can go home?" he asked again hopefully.

"No, sweetheart. Not tonight."

"I want to go home," he told her, tears forming again.

"I know, sweets. But we can't. Not tonight. But, look, me, you and Daddy, we're going to have a sleepover at the hospital tonight, OK?"

Noah glanced at Will. "I want to go home, Daddy," he cried.

Will came and sat on the bed next to him. "I know, bud. But tonight we can't. I think you're pretty tired, though. So why don't we try to sleep again here?"

He looked back to his mother and held up his arms again and she crouched down to let him wrap them back around her neck, and then moved her hands under his legs to support his weight and lift him – not wanting to potentially irritate his left side and the port by grabbing him under his arm pits. He settled against her again as she wrapped her arms under his butt like a sling and bounced him a bit against her. He flopped his head against her shoulder but she could still her him sniffling and feel his wet tears pooling.

"It's going to be OK, sweetheart," she told him, bouncing him and giving Will a weak smile. He returned it. "It's going to be OK. Close your eyes again, Noah. Get some sleep, baby."


	112. Chapter 112

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You aren't seriously thinking about spending $100 on a Lego set just to show up my Dad," Will sighed at her.

She'd been standing gazing at the set like it was a must-buy item for several minutes. She kept flipping it from front to back looking at the box like she was really considering buying it. Will had been standing next to her impatiently – loaded down with the other items they had picked up – a folding Razor scooter, protection pads and a helmet. He really just wanted to get out of there.

He wasn't a fan of being in FAO Schwarz at that time of day – it was always crawling with tourists. Even worse, the Lego section was right next to the giant dancing piano so the influx of the horde was at about the store's maximum. Not to mention, he kept on having to hear them play Heart and Souls over and over again – followed by small children running around on the keyboard and just making ungodly noise. But Liv seemed oblivious to it.

"Liv, com'on," he groaned, trying to get her to move on. The sooner they picked something and got out of there – the sooner they could go out for dinner and have something that resembled a real date night and not just birthday shopping for Noah.

She glanced at him. "Your family is corrupting him with all their firefighter crap. I need to balance it back out," she said, turning the giant police station set – that came with some cruisers and numerous mini-figures – in her hands again.

Will sighed. His Dad had bought Noah the latest and greatest fire station set months ago as a just-because gift. But because of the size and price-tag, Olivia had refused to let him give it to her son – insisting it be saved for his birthday. Now it was his birthday – and they'd both realized that Noah wouldn't just be getting the expensive Lego set from his grandparents, he'd be ending up with something else too. And Liv was in some sort of ridiculous damage control to outweigh it – despite them having talked extensively already about what they were getting Noah for his birthday and how much they wanted to spend. It had all seemed to go flying out the window about as soon as they walked into the giant toy store.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that he doesn't want to be a firefighter or a cop, then, right?" He told her. "Last time, I checked, he still thought Jedi Knight astronaut Caped Crusader was a reasonable career option."

She shot him a look but gave him a smile. She looked back to the set, though. "It does look fun, though," she said.

He nodded but sighed. "Liv, he'll be just as excited about one of the $25 sets as he will about a $100 set. Lego is Lego to him."

"But this is a giant box," she said. "It will look much more exciting wrapped and will be much more exciting to open."

He wagged the scooter at her. "This will be a giant box. He's going to get lots of Lego anyways. I'm pretty sure Lego and Star Wars will be covered by my family."

She gave him the small huff of annoyance that her son had also long ago perfected – but she finally put the set back on the shelf. "Well, which one are you favouring then?" She asked.

He glanced around. "I don't know. I think some of those dinosaur ones look pretty cool. Or one of the Batman sets – he doesn't have anything like that. I think he'd be pretty excited about Batman Lego."

She nodded a bit and wandered toward that section of the shelves. Picking up some of the boxes and looking at them – the age range, the number of bricks, the box sizes, what the finished product looked like – and the price.

"I kind of think the Lego watches are cool too," Will offered. "I think he might like that a lot. He's always looking at both of our watches. Get him one of his own."

She gave him a smile. It was true. Noah had become quite good at telling time on a clock-face – well before other kids his age. Hell, she knew most kids his age struggled to read a digital watch face. But her son could look at either of their watches and tell them the time.

In the hospital, he was always wanting to know what time it was, how long they'd been waiting, how much longer they'd be waiting, how long his drip was, how many more minutes it would be, when he could go home. Teaching him to tell time had become a way for them to pass time. He was happy to sit in either of their laps and fiddle with the watch on their wrist. He seemed especially fascinated with hers. She thought likely because even with having taken links out of the band, it was still a little too big for her and her son could more easily push it around and around her wrist. He'd figured out how to undo the clasp and liked to have her help him put it on him. But it always looked even gianter on him than it did her and would flop upside-down as soon as she let go of it for him. But he'd still sit there and look at it – like he felt particularly grown up getting wear his Mom's watch.

"Yeah, I like the watches too," she agreed. "But they aren't a very fun present."

He rolled his eyes. "Liv, he's not going to be opening the presents and deciding it they are practical or not." She'd already expressed that she didn't think having to get him knee pads and a helmet really counted as a birthday present – though she made clear she wasn't planning on letting him on the scooter without them. He intended to wrap them and have them for Noah to open whether she liked it or not. Getting to rip the wrapping paper off the gifts was half the fun anyways. He wasn't sure how much it mattered what was inside when you are six.

"He's just going to be excited to have presents to open," he told her. "Besides, I think it's usually the more practical gifts that end up having staying-power. Toys get forgotten. We already having a fucking truckload of Lego in the house."

A mother in the section with her son, who looked just a bit older than Noah, shot him a look at his use of the word 'fucking'. He caught her eye but quickly looked away and mumbled "Sorry."

Liv smiled at him and shook her head at him getting caught with a case of the garage mouth - and getting a chastising look from another parent. She could see Will was a little embarrassed.

"But his birthday wish list was just Lego," she looked at him.

He sighed heavily again. "Olivia, do you know how much Lego he is going to get? My parents already got him Lego. I'm sure both of my brothers will end up bringing over Lego. If it's not Lego – it's going to be an action figure. Other people will likely bring him Lego too."

She glanced at him and shook her head. "I told everyone not to bring gifts," she said.

They were going to take Noah out on Saturday but they'd decided to appease his parents by having a bit of an open house on Sunday – the actual day of Noah's birthday. It wasn't anything official. It wasn't really a party – even though they'd do the cake and have the presents for Noah then – and were having food and whatnot. But they really hadn't invited many kids for Noah – there was no one that he'd really agree he was interested in having over. He knew it was hurting Olivia that he didn't have friends and she felt like she'd failed him in some way in that regard. It was hard for him to have established friendships with everything they'd been dealing with over the course of the year. It hadn't exactly been a conducive environment to establishing lasting relationships or being remembered for invitations on play-dates or birthday parties. With how paranoid Liv could get about him being in unknown environments that she couldn't disinfect herself or follow him around with antiseptic, sanitizers and orders to go and scrub his hands or to not touch his face – he wasn't even sure that she'd let him go out and play with some other kid even if he did get an invitation.

But with her feeling guilty and sad about what she saw as a lonely and hurting little boy - they'd ended up telling a couple of the other parents in the Zone at the hospital, that if their child was feeling up for it, they were welcome to stop by. They'd also invited the parents and little boy from Noah's Tball team that he seemed to have the starts of being chummy with. But they really were just trying to treat it as a casual open house, not a birthday party. They'd both ended up telling some of their work colleagues, though. They'd really never had anyone over before since moving, and they kind of thought maybe it was time they put in the effort, especially since his family was forcing them to have people into their house anyway. Liv had insisted, though, they make clear that it was just an open house – not specifically a birthday party - and their guests weren't under any obligation to bring presents for her son.

"I did too," he said defensively. "But I'm sure not everyone is going to listen."

He actually kind of hoped that most of the people they invited hadn't even listened to the invitation at all. It wasn't like they invited many. But it also wasn't like they had a lot of space at all. Their place as small. Having his family in there was going to fill it up enough – when they started adding other people, he wasn't really sure what they were going to do with them. He was also a little terrified of the concept of any of his or Liv's colleagues having to have much interaction with his family. But he supposed that it would be a crash course on how awkward their wedding reception would be in a few months.

Liv sighed – but picked up another box to look at. It was one of the Batman ones.

"You think he'd like this one?" She asked, showing it to him.

"Yeah, that would likely be what I'd pick," he nodded, hoping they were nearing escape now.

But she stood examining it some more. "More than the dinosaurs or the space shuttle or one of the Star Wars ones?"

He rolled his eyes. "Olivia, he isn't going to be thinking about all the other ones he could've got. He wants every set he sees in the store anyway. He is going to be excited about what he gets. It doesn't matter which one we pick. Just pick one."

She shot him a look.

He knew she was trying to make his birthday nice for him. She had hated that he spent his last birthday in the hospital – and he knew she felt bad about what was going on with her son right now and how much back-and-forth time they were spending at the hospital and clinics and labs. She felt worse that he'd had to have his port pulled out and another one put in. It was only minor surgery – but surgery was surgery. And the blockage, combined with the infection it had caused, had meant he needed to be on antibiotics and with the chemo hold going on and the fever – he'd ended up hospitalized for a few days. That always just piled on the stress – and meant missed work and even more sleepless nights, in addition to stewing about Noah and trying to keep him distracted, happy and entertained.

The only saving grace out of all of it was that with the antibiotics being pumped into his system – his counts had really taking a big jump back into the ranges they needed to get back onto his treatment protocol. Covens had told him after Noah finished his round of antibiotics and that had a couple days to work through him and for him to stabilize – if the boy's levels remained the same on his next labs, they were going to start phasing him back onto his treatment. It'd be a little rough at the start – but it was also a huge relief.

The chemo hold had really been a mixed blessing. It was a bit of an emotional mind-fuck of nagging fear about what forces were working at him unseen, tempered against the building energy they'd seen in Noah. It'd been hard, and a challenge to figure out what they were supposed to be feeling, and how they were supposed to be interacting with the experience. It was harder still with the infection and hospitalization. So Olivia wanted her son to have a day that was special and his. But he also thought she was stressing herself out about it too much at the point – and likely setting herself up to spend a bit too much.

The plan was to let Noah loose in the Toys R Us store in Times Square on Saturday morning while Will went over and stood in the TKTS line and tried to get discounted tickets to the matinee of Spiderman. That, in itself, was going to cost a small fortune, even though Olivia had finally agreed they wouldn't do it if they couldn't get the cheap seats. So Noah would be none the wiser if the plan fell through – and would just think he got to go wild in the toy store.

But she had been really wanting to start introducing him to Broadway so it was something they could hopefully do as a family as he got older and his tastes got a bit more refined than a super hero rock musical. He actually didn't really think Liv had much interest in seeing the show but had adopted it as a general starting point that she thought her son might latch onto.

Still, he also knew there was no way Noah would be leaving the toy store without something in a bag, either, and he doubted Liv would be at him about pulling out his allowance when it was his birthday. She'd already suggested that maybe she'd take Noah up to the Robot Galaxy station and let him do that while Will went and dealt with the tickets.

Will sighed. "OK, Liv. How about this? You were going to do the robot thing with him on Saturday? Instead of that – how about whatever that was supposed to cost – just let him have the money to pick out whatever in the store. He can still do the robot or he can go pick out a Lego set on his own – or whatever he wants. And, you can stop stressing about it. Babe, this is kind of a ridiculous thing to be stressing out about."

She glanced at him from where she was still looking at the sets. "Things have just been so hard for him lately," she said almost too quietly.

He nodded. "I know."

"We don't even have friends to invite over for him for a party. We're back and forth to the hospital. They're going to have him back on the chemo right after – and he's going to be knocked down again. We all are."

He sighed. "Is that what this is about, Liv?" She didn't answer and just kept picking up sets and examining them. "Liv, buying him extra presents or having a really expensive Lego set at home, isn't going to make the next few weeks any easier for any of us. It's going to suck. But we know how to roll with it. So – let's enjoy our last weekend of the hold, have fun with his birthday, no blow our budget and not spoil him rotten. You're always at me when I spoil him."

She allowed him a small smile at that. "Because you do. All the time."

He rolled his eyes. "Not all the time. And – who's always bringing home maze books and colouring pads and PlayDoh and craft supplies?"

"Those are educational and working on his eye-hand co-ordination and his motor skills," she told him in false-seriousness.

He snorted. "Yeah. Nothing to do with someone wanting to bring him home little gifts to spoil him just a touch."

She shook her head. "Nope."

She got quiet again and started wandering around the section with her arms crossed in front of her.

"He's going to be alright, you know?" He told her.

She glanced at him and shrugged. "Yeah, I know."

"You don't seem so sure about that tonight," he said.

She just shook her head and examined the floor. "It's just been a long week, Will. We had him in surgery a week ago. We just got out of the hospital a couple days ago. I don't even know why we're out right now? I don't want to go on a date. I just want to go home – cuddle with him on the couch, watch a movie and then go to bed."

He shrugged. "OK, you could've just said that, Liv. So let's finish up here – and head home. It's not a big deal."

She hung her head. "You're not upset?"

"No. I'm tired too. I thought you wanted a change of scenery and a couple hours away from it all."

She rubbed her eyebrow. "I'm always tired anymore."

"It's part of the beast," he offered.

She sighed. "Yeah." She picked up another box.

"OK, no more looking at Lego sets," he said. "We're getting the Boba Fett watch. It's decided. Lego. Star Wars. Watch. He'll love it. Let's go home. Netflix and popcorn await us."

She gave him a smile. "OK."


	113. Chapter 113

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Is there something I can do?" Will had asked from sitting on the opposite side of the bed from her.

"Just … just don't touch me right now," she said, not even looking at him. She was still trying to calm and ground herself.

She thought she had things under control. She hadn't had many major flashbacks with her PTSD since starting a sexual relationship with Will. She'd been conscious of it and had worked on it. She'd even talked to her counselor about it – her real counselor, not fucking work-imposed Ashley. She was dealing with it.

There'd been some times where she'd had to ask him to stop. There'd been other times where she felt herself just checking out and leaving just a body there for him to have sex with and she'd had to tell herself to bring herself back – to stay in the moment with this good, gentle man and to try to enjoy it. But there hadn't been any major issues. If anything, Will had been accommodating to her and extremely understanding. They had a good sex life. She enjoyed having sex with him.

She'd told him early on in their relationship about her assault. It had been incredibly hard for her to tell him. But she'd been scared of herself – and that she might do something in the heat of things. She'd been scared he might ask something of her that she just didn't think she could do ever again – no matter how much therapy she got, how much she pushed the images and flashbacks out of her mind, how good of man she thought he was. So she told him.

She told him that he wasn't going to be receiving oral sex from her – and she wasn't sure he ever would. She told him that she wouldn't be getting on her stomach for him to take her from behind. She told him that she didn't want him to try to dominate her. And he'd listened understandingly with almost apologetic eyes to everything she said and just nodded. He'd said if she ever wanted to talk about it more –they could. But she hadn't. And that had really been the end of any real conversation about it – beyond the times she told him to stop. When she did that, he always obediently did and would just lay back down beside her and hold her in the silence. And she let him.

But something had just clicked that night – and it scared her. He hadn't done anything wrong – she kept telling herself that. It just happened. It just triggered something in her mind.

They'd just been going too quickly, she told herself. She didn't know why. It had started out as fun. They'd had a couple drinks. They'd been flirting and teasing each other shamelessly in the living room – and they'd moved upstairs. They were in stages of half-undressed when they'd fallen into the bed – and they'd still been laughing and kissing at that point. But being in the bedroom and the alcohol in their systems, she guessed it got a bit more frenzied.

He'd been straddled on top of her kissing her mouth, when he went to push himself upwards and touched her face in a cupping motion that had squeezed her cheeks and chin. It wasn't something she could ever remember him doing before – but it was what had started her mind going and she started leaving the moment and going back to the basement in the women's prison. She'd still been present enough, though, to tell herself that it'd just been an innocent touch. It wasn't his fault that she didn't like it.

Will had sat up on her – still straddling just at her waist - and given her a big smile as he pulled his shirt over his head. And she'd tried to force herself to come back even more. But then he'd reached for the fly of his pants and pushed them part way down.

The movement was bad enough to send her mind screaming more with flooding memories – but it was his erect penis suddenly just being there that had set her off. He wasn't even that close to her face - and she knew now as she was sitting and trying to ground herself that he wasn't making a move to force her into oral sex. He was just getting undressed. In fact, he'd been moving to get off her to push his pants down the rest of his legs, when the flashback had just stabbed through her and she'd sat up and smacked him hard against the chest with both fists before flipping him over and onto his back. Her one hand had pushed violently into holding down his shoulder and the other fell into a tight grip onto his neck.

Even through her glassed over eyes, panicked breaths and her still reeling mind – she could see the shock in his face. He didn't struggle – he didn't even try to move.

He'd finally choked out, "Olivia," in a scared voice under her grip. It'd been enough to make her let go and he'd scurried out from under her and over to the other side of the bed, where he sat glancing at her.

She'd finally managed to mumble, "I'm sorry" from where she was panting on her side of the bed. She was trying to go through the techniques she'd been taught to calm her breathing and ground herself – to feel her feet on the ground and to come back to the moment and away from that dark basement and the terror she went through down there. But she had come to accept it would always be a part of her no matter how many coping techniques she learned or how good she got at pushing it out of her psyche.

He was watching her more carefully now from where he was. She could tell he wanted to come to her and comfort her – even though she'd just attacked him. But she just didn't want to be touched right then. She didn't think she could be.

"Liv, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to … I'm not even sure what I did, but I'm sorry," he stumbled through getting it out of his mouth and ran his hand from his forehead through his hair.

She glanced at him. She still felt like she was shaking just a bit. "You didn't do anything."

"I just … I'm sorry," he said. He looked at her. His face looked really sad – and there was still a touch of fear there.

She shook her head. She couldn't. She knew he wanted to hug her. That he likely felt like he needed the physical touch at the moment after it. But she just couldn't.

"I just need a few minutes, Will," she told him.

"Do you want me to get you some water or something?" he offered more hopefully.

She sighed and looked at the ceiling. "Will, I need you to go downstairs and keep away from me for a few minutes. I just need some time to get re-grounded."

He looked at her hard. "You're shaking," he said. She suspected that meant he wasn't leaving.

"Will, please, go downstairs."

He looked so sad as he stood and found his shirt on the floor and then headed for the stairs.

"I'm sorry," he said again from the top step giving her another look.

"I just need a few minutes, please," she almost hissed out at him.

He looked at her hard again but tentatively took the first step.

She let out a huge exhale as he disappeared from her sight and rubbed her hands against her face – and then pounded them against her forehead a several times. She let out the growl of a held in scream and panted a bit harder, willing the images that she thought she had under control to get the hell out of her head.


	114. Chapter 114

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He was laying on the couch so he had his head facing the stairs. She thought he'd likely purposely picked the position. Though she couldn't decide if it was so his head would be closer to the stairs in an effort to hear her up there or if it was so he could try to ignore her when she came down looking for him.

She watched him for a moment. She didn't think he was sleeping – she wouldn't be. But he did seem to be ignoring her.

"Did I hurt you?" She asked.

She saw him fidget a bit in the dark – just a tiny bit of light was coming into the room from the sliding door at the end of the narrow dining room, which lead out to the small area that they lightheartedly called their garden. But he didn't respond right away and silence seemed to hang in the air for too long, before she saw him bring his hands up to sit on his stomach and fidget with them some more.

"No. You just took me off guard," he said quietly.

She knew that likely wasn't entirely true. She knew in the very least she'd definitely hurt his ego but she'd also likely caused him some emotional hurt too. Physically, she suspected she'd hit him hard enough that he'd have bruises on his chest by morning. She hoped one didn't appear on his neck – which would be harder to hide under clothes and difficult to explain.

She walked over slowly. At that point, she kind of wanted him to sit up on the couch and offer her a spot to sit down. Or better, for him to scoot against the back to make room for her, so she could lie down with him. But he didn't. So she lowered herself to the corner of the coffee table and sat looking at him. It looked like he'd been thinking a lot since she'd asked him to go downstairs. He seemed less concerned about physically comforting her or apologizing for his supposed infraction – and he seemed more lost in his own thoughts. It made her a little sadder about the whole situation.

But it had taken her nearly an hour before she felt ready to come down and tell him to come back to bed. Even then she'd had to really tell herself she was ready and that she really did want him to come back to bed to sleep. She'd had to remind herself several times that Will was gentle and kind and a great comfort to her. There wouldn't be badness in his touch and he wouldn't try anything more but sleeping – and holding her, if she let him.

"I still don't know what I did," he said quietly, still looking at the corner of the room in front of him and not her.

She sighed and gripped her hands tightly, allowing herself to hunch forward and put her elbows on her knees.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Will," she tried to assure him.

"Then what was it? What triggered you?"

She rubbed at her forehead and looked down. "How you undid your pants and took yourself out," she said finally. "How you were sitting when you did it, where it was in relation to me being able to see it, just the movements, in general."

"I was just getting undressed," he nearly whispered. "I wasn't …" he trailed off and stopped.

"I know, Will," she told him again. "Some times I just … don't have much control over it."

He fidgeted with his hands on his stomach more. She really wished he'd make some move to hold her hand or touch her knee – or at least look at her. But he seemed to have withdrawn more than she had.

Silence hung between them again for a long time.

"I think I'm going out to the Island in the morning," he finally said quietly. "I think we need a couple days apart."

She looked at him. It stung a bit that he'd run away after she'd just had a flashback. That didn't feel like something he would usually do. He was usually always there for her – even when she didn't want him to be.

"Will…"

He shook his head – but still didn't look at her. "I've been really trying, Liv. But I don't know how much longer I can do this with you. I'm watching you fall apart. I'm asking you to go get help – and you aren't. These past six weeks or so … this has been different than the rest of it."

He looked at her. "This isn't you anymore. Don't you see that? You're bouncing between … I don't know what. I'm scared for you. But I'm scared for me too. And Noah. This is really hurting all of us. I'm afraid you're getting towards the edge of some sort of breakdown. I've been trying – but I don't think I'm helping. I don't even know what to say or do to help anymore. How can you do your job like this, Liv? What if something sets you off there? How can you be caring for Noah properly? Olivia, you're so stressed out right now – you couldn't even pick a fucking Lego set last weekend. All this stress – and you not dealing with it – it's having all sorts of other implications in our lives. If you want to hurt yourself – that's one thing. I hate that. I really fucking hate when you punish yourself. But I'm telling you – that you are hurting me too. And, Noah is not getting his mother either. I'm seeing fewer and fewer glimpses of the woman I'm in love with. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and trying to scurry around and build some sort of net to catch you – or all of us – when this all falls through. I'm tired. I can't do it. You need help – and I need a break. I need a couple days."

She sighed at him. "Will, I go to my counselor, I'm doing the program at work, I got the sleeping pills like you wanted. This just happened tonight. I'm sorry that it did. It wasn't a good experience for me either and I'm sorry that you had to see me like that, or that it scared you, and that I hurt you – but it's part of PTSD. I try really hard to keep it in check – and you knew … you know … it's something I have to deal with."

He shook his head. "It's not just tonight, Olivia. This last month or so … I just don't know you anymore. You aren't yourself."

"I'm under a lot of stress," she said.

"Yeah, I know. And don't you think that's what triggering some of these … episodes. I'm under stress too, Liv, but I can't do this. I thought I could. I really, really thought I could. But I don't know that I can. I can't live like this for another two years or four years or whatever until we get through his treatment or get that cancer-free clean-bill-of-health. You need to get help. I'm asking you again – to please go get help. If you won't do it for yourself, and you won't do it for Noah, please – do it for me? Do it for us? Please."

"So you're saying you want out of this relationship?"

He sighed. "That's completely not what I'm saying."

"That's what I'm hearing."

He glared at her and finally did sit up. "You're hearing wrong. This is another example of how fucked up any of our conversations are anymore. I'm asking you to get help. Go and get some anxiety medication to help get through this. Please. Talk to your counselor and your therapist – ask about what you can do to help. Taking more time for yourself, group therapy, more time off work. Whatever. I'll support you in any of it. But I want you back, Liv. This isn't you right now."

"And you think the best way for you to deal with this – is to go and air out our dirty laundry to your family for the weekend?"

He sighed and looked at the floor. "I need a break, Liv. Every day we're arguing about something. It's exhausting and frustrating and it makes me feel sad, Liv. It's just the weekend. Where else could I go?"

"What am I supposed to tell Noah?" She spat.

"I think you should let me take Noah with me," he said seriously.

"Oh, so it's just me you have a problem with – not being a part of this family," she said louder than she meant too with her son's room just down the hall.

"That's also not how I would've phrased it – but, yes, Olivia, it is you that I have a problem with right now." He looked at her. "I think you should let me take Noah for the weekend - and I think you should take the time to think about how you're going to get by – because what you're doing right now, isn't working."

She glared at him. "You aren't taking my son anywhere."

He sighed. "Fine." He held up his hands in surrender. "Whatever. Now am I allowed to go back upstairs or am I sleeping down here tonight? Because if I'm on the couch – I'd appreciate if you'd leave. I'm still trying to keep my sanity – and for me, that includes sleep."


	115. Chapter 115

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will let go of the basketball and watched it fall a good foot short of the net in his parents' driveway and sighed. It was so fucking hot and humid out, he didn't even know why he was bothering trying to play – other than he was getting out of the house and avoiding his mother trying to make eye contact with him constantly. So he'd left Noah inside with his mom making cookies and had let his dad retreat to the basement to watch the game – and he'd come outside to sweat it out.

"How can you miss such an easy shot?" He heard from behind him as he went to retrieve the ball.

He looked up as he started to bring the ball back down the drive to take another free-throw. Tom was standing there - still in his station clothes and clearly having just arrived home from his 48-hour tour.

"Yeah, well, someone went and fucked up my eye. Depth perception is still a little off."

Tom snorted and wandered up the driveway to knock the ball out of his hands and effortlessly put the ball through the hoop.

"Or you just always kind of sucked at basketball," his brother told him.

Will went and got the bouncing ball again and tossed it back to his older brother.

"Yeah, I just suck at every sport, right, Tom?"

Tom bounced it a couple more times and then put it in again.

"Not all of them, just most of them."

Will brought the ball back down the drive again and this time took the shot himself. It again fell short.

"It's your follow-through," Tom told him, demonstrating the form for him. "It's off."

Will snorted at him. "My follow-through, eh?"

Tom shrugged. "Just meant on the court."

Will bounced the ball. "Right."

"Take it there's trouble in paradise," he said.

"I can't come home on the weekend?"

Tom shrugged again. "Sure, what 39-year-old man doesn't visit his parents to play some ball in their driveway?"

Will ignored him and took another shot, extending his arm more and flicking his wrist more smoothly when he did. That one went in. Tom nodded his approval.

"I may have heard you're here with the kid and an overnight bag – and no Olivia," he said. "You know there's no secrets in this family."

Will looked up at him from where he was retrieving the ball and bounce passed it to him.

"You want to play Horse?" He asked.

Tom bounced the ball a couple times. "It's too fucking hot out for that. Becky sent me over to see if you and Noah want to come out to the movies with us tonight. Spend a couple hours in some air conditioning."

Will nodded. In his plan to come over to the Island for the weekend, he'd neglected to consider how fucking hot and humid it is in New York City in June and the fact that his parents' didn't have air conditioning.

"What movie?" He asked.

Tom shrugged. "Don't know. Whatever."

"Yeah, sure, sounds good." He couldn't even think of the last time they'd been to a movie in a theatre. It was likely on Olivia's germ-infested no-go zone list. But he didn't really care.

Tom nodded again. "I'm going to go shower and get some chow. You good, though?"

Will took a shot. "Yeah, I'm fantastic."

Tom looked at his little brother and hung his head a bit, pulling his fists to his waist. "Yep. You always are, right, Willie?"

Will glanced at him. He hated being called that.

"I manage."

Tom chuckled a bit. "You mustn't be managing too great for you to be here – of all places."

"Jim's Comic Universe has a back issue sale going," Will commented.

Tom laughed. "You still go to that fucking hole?"

Will allowed him a smile. "Best finds in the entire city."

Tom shook his head. "Willie, you never change, do you?"

He shrugged.

"You know – adding a wife and a kid to your life. That involves some big changes, right? You need to have your head screwed on straight before you commit to that leap."

Will just glared at him – almost daring him to go there.

"Going to give me a hint on what's up with the misuses?" Tom pried.

Will just shrugged again. "Just needed some time a part. You never need some time off from Becky and the kids?"

Tom ran his hand through his head. "Well, I suppose my time off usually involves the Pumphouse or a fishing weekend."

"Can't really take Noah on a bender yet. Maybe in another 15 years."

"Not much of a break from the wife and kids when you've got the kid with you," Tom commented.

"Yeah, well, I guess Liv needed a cancer break," he said and harshly tossed the ball so it bounced hard off the backboard.

Tom went and got it as flew down the driveway. He gave a chest pass back to his brother.

"You guys seemed OK last weekend at his birthday," he said.

Will shrugged. "We're pretty good at keeping up the appearances in public."

Tom nodded. "Aren't we all?"

Will tried to put in a three-pointer and it managed to hit the rim before flying almost directly back to him.

"You know, Willie, I know your life ain't really a paradise. You guys have a lot on the go. But that's a fucking cute little boy you've got in there – and Olivia – how you managed to score a beauty like that, I'll never know. But she's a nice lady. I may butt heads with her about as much as I butt heads with you – but I ain't blind and see how good she is to you and how much you like her. Don't fuck it up. You're almost 40 there baby brother – you aren't going to get many more chances like this."

"I'm not the one fucking it up," he mumbled.

Tom rubbed at his temple and examined the ground.

"Look, Will, being in a relationship with a first responder – the fire department, the police department, EMS, whatever – it's its own special beast. You know that from growing up here," he nodded his chin towards the house. "Me and Becky – we've had our own share of problems over the years. Dealing with me ain't no bed of roses – we all know that. I know your Pretty Woman there has likely seen and done a lot with what she does. Can't be easy. She's likely got some scars there. Add in what she's dealing with with that little boy – that's enough to send any one off.

"I saw a lot of guys give up their careers or fuck up their families after 9-11 there. Trauma, stress, loss. It fucks you up. You know that. You've dealt with it. Don't be one of the guys who just rolls over, you've got too much to really lose now, there, Willie. One loss doesn't give you the warrant to allow more."

"She's the one who won't deal with it," Will spat and nearly threw the ball at his head. Tom barely caught it in time and it fumbled out of his hands back to the ground.

"She will," Tom said, batting at the ball until it was back into a controlled bounce. "Some of us just have to fall farther before we're ready to start the climb back up the ladder. You know? Us stubborn fucks? I think your lady is a bit of a stubborn fuck."

Will snorted at that.

"Don't let your impatience mean you miss being there to help her back up. The farther she had to fall, the more she's going to need the help, little brother."

Will looked at him – and sighed. "You sure you don't want to play Horse?"

Tom shook his head. "Nah, it's fucking gross out here. Cold shower has my name on it. Besides you got a little boy – that's what kids are for."

"You know Mom restrained herself from prying or lecturing me so far," Will told him.

Tom shrugged. "Guess we're all working at making progress in dealing with you and respecting that relationship and family of yours than, eh?"

Will rolled his eyes. "Yeah bang up job there, Tommy."

He nodded. "So, meet us on the porch around 5:30? We'll grab some burgers or pizza before the show? Who the hell wants to cook in this heat?"

Will nodded his agreement back. "Yeah, sounds good."

**Just as an FYI - I've started puttering on a story set about six years after where Undeserved will eventually end. It's called Love You Forever. There's two chapters so far. I have the plans for about four to six more at this point - that I'll putter away with here and there. So check it out. Feedback is always appreciated**


	116. Chapter 116

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She picked up phone from where it was buzzing on the table and looked at the caller ID. She seriously considered just letting it go to voicemail when she saw Will's name on the screen.

She'd laid in bed restlessly after their latest argument the night before. She started out being angry with him but it quickly faded into just focusing on the fact he'd said he didn't know how much longer he could handle where their relationship was at. It stung and was a reality check.

They were engaged. They had a termination of parental rights petition and adoption papers before the court. They were supposed to be getting married and being a family – and he was telling her she was fucking it up. She wasn't sure she agreed entirely. But even thinking about the possibility of loosing the family that she'd wanted for so long – a life of some sort of normalcy, was really too much for her to take. So she'd decided to at least pretend she was processing the things he requested and let him take Noah with him and go to Staten Island. She tried not to dwell on the fact that his nosey family would be being nosey and that Tom would likely be taking the opportunity to make some jabs at her mothering skills – and her, in general.

She thought maybe they really did need a break from each other. They'd been spending a ridiculous amount of time together since Noah was sick – more than most married couples ever would. They really couldn't get rid of each other and they both really took so little me-time. They went to work and then came back home to take care of Noah. Even on the days her and Will were annoying the crap out of each other – they still couldn't get rid of each other, because they both were so committed to being there for Noah. So they just grit their teeth and tried to put up with it. She supposed they weren't doing such a great job at that right now.

She'd been a little lost about what she was supposed to do with herself after they'd initially left. It felt strange to be in the empty house and to know she had it to herself for the next two days. She'd wandered around aimlessly for a bit – putting away dishes from the dishwasher, putting folded laundry into all their dressers and closets, she even did a little bit of dusting.

She'd stopped and thought about it and had realized she'd never had a weekend all to herself since having Noah. Sure, she got babysitters and had gone out for a night, or had left him at daycare a little late so she could get in a jog after work. But she'd never actually been away from him for a whole weekend – at least not when she had the time to herself. There'd been times where he got left with his sitter or Will, and she'd been stuck at work for hours and hours. This was different.

It had taken her a couple hours – but she had decided to make the most of it. She'd gotten into her workout clothes and headed out to do a spin class. She'd walked back and gone into a couple clothing stores that she'd walked by at least 100 times before but always had Will or Noah with her – who wouldn't have let her look around or try on anything. She ended up coming out of it with a couple lighter-weight blouses for the summer. She'd gone into the grocery store and pushed the cart around and picked up some things for the week – without having to battle with Noah about what was and wasn't going into the cart. She even picked up salmon filet, which she'd made up for dinner herself. Will hated seafood – unless it was tuna salad sandwiches or shrimp so deep-fried he might as well have been just eating the batter. But his distaste meant they rarely ate it in the house. It wasn't like she wanted to have fish every day. She wasn't even picky about having it at least once a week – but she definitely did miss it. It was nice to have it without having to order some nasty diner salad at lunch that just plopped a wad of canned fish onto the meal.

She wasn't sure she was doing what Will wanted. She wasn't dwelling on how fucked up she apparently was – or charting some sort of plan on how to resolve that to salvage their relationship. She was just taking a down day – and enjoying long ago-forgotten me-time and doing some things for herself. She figured maybe she'd spend Sunday trying to come up with some sort of plan or explanation she could spout at him to appease him so they could trudge on for another while. She didn't want to think about it right now. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk to him either – but thought she probably wouldn't be doing themselves any favours if she didn't pick up the phone.

"Hey," she said as she brought it to her ear.

"Mommy," her little boy said happily on the other end of the line and a smile spread across her face involuntarily.

"Hey, sweets," she said softly. She took the phone away from her ear and glanced at the time. It was about 9:30 p.m. "You're up late."

"We went to a movie," he told her excitedly.

She smiled. "What movie?"

"Madagascar 3!"

She laughed. She wasn't sure they'd seen Madagascar one or two. "Was it good, sweetheart?"

"It is very funny, Mom," he told her. "We had popcorn too and pop."

"And pop?" They never let Noah have soda.

"Mountain Dew," he told her excitedly. "It's green, Mom."

"Uh huh," she said, slightly unimpressed. If it wasn't bad enough that some of the chemo and radiation exposure from all the medical imaging Noah had had to endure was putting him at an increased risk of not being able to have children of his own some day, Will was letting him drink a soft drink popularly thought to further decrease sperm count. She didn't really care that it was likely just an urban legend. They didn't let her son drink pop.

"Nana and Popa don't have air conditioning, Mom," he told her.

She'd forgotten about that. That might've been a deal-breaker in her decision to let Noah go with Will actually.

"Is it really hot, sweets?" She asked.

"I guess," he told her. "I get a fan in my room though. Will said not to dry off good and to sit in front of it. Can you hear it?"

He must've turned the phone for her to hear – and she definitely heard the buzz and whirl.

"Can you hear it, Mom?" He asked again.

She smiled. "I can, Noah. It sounds like you're going to be sleeping in a wind tunnel."

"What's a wind tunnel?"

"Where they test air plane engines. Sweetheart, make sure your head and ears are dry, though, and your port, please – before you go to sleep. OK?"

He didn't say anything.

"OK, Noah?" She said again.

"I nodded for you, Mommy," he told her. She smiled.

"Are you going to bed now, sweets?"

"Yes, but we called to say goodnight."

"I'm glad you did," she told him.

"I miss you Mommy," her little boy said.

"I miss you too, sweetheart. But it sounds like you're having lots of fun with Daddy."

"We're going to the comic store tomorrow. The one Daddy went to when he was little like me."

"Wow. That will be pretty exciting," she said. "Did we pack some of your allowance with you?"

"Five dollars," he told her. "But I have birthday money."

"Hmm," she said. "But I don't think you want to spend all your birthday money on comics, right? You likely want to save that for something special, OK?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, sweets. Not a comic book. Use your allowance, if you see something you like, OK?"

He made a huffing sound but said, "OK. Will wants to talk to you, Mom."

"OK, sweetheart. You sleep tight. I love you."

"I love you Mommy."

She heard Will talking to her son and she thought enough rustling that he was getting him tucked in. She then heard him say he'd be back in a few minutes to read him a story.

"Hey," Will's voice came into her ear.

"Hey," she just said back.

"Thought we should check in."

"Thanks," she allowed. Right then the barista called out that a talle caramel macchiato was ready.

"Where are you?" He asked.

"I am at Beaniovers," she told him. It was her favourite book cafes in their area and she rarely got to it – at least to treat it as anything more than just a coffee shoppe. "And I'm about a third of the way through John Irving's latest."

She could feel him smile through the phone. She'd given him a hard time about him listing John Irving as his favourite author in their conversations not long after they met. Will had argued that he was a modern Dickens and she'd laughed at him. That was before he'd basically forced A Prayer for Owen Meany onto her and after she'd eaten that up – he'd lent her World According to Garp. And from there she'd started working through most of the author's works.

"That the one about the bisexual guy?" Will asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"Is it any good?"

"I'm liking it."

"You pay for it or you just loitering in there with your tea?"

"I was a good customer and bought it. So you can get your hands on it after I'm done."

"What'd else you get up to today?" He asked almost too gently.

"Went to SoulCyle, bought some work clothes, ate salmon. All of your least favourite things to do with me."

She heard him snort.

"What'd you guys do today?" She asked.

"Mmm, not much. He helped mom bake some chocolate chip cookies."

"I can't believe she had the oven on in this heat," she said.

"Mom will still be baking when it's hotter than hell in August," he told her. "I took him over to Crescent Beach and Cole's Dock Side. We threw some stones around. Had an ice cream."

"Did you take the ferry or bus across?"

"Ferry," he said.

"And you went to a movie tonight?"

"Yeah. Went with Tom's gang. Got a couple hours of air conditioning."

"And let him eat junk," she added.

"It won't kill him, Liv."

She didn't like his answer but let it drop.

"Don't let him spend a stupid amount of money at the comic store tomorrow," she told him.

He made an audible sigh. "Liv, com'on. I won't."

"OK," she said softly.

Silence hung across the airtime for several moments.

"Are you guys going to be home for dinner?" She finally asked.

"Do you want us to be?"

"It's up to you," she said.

There was a quiet again. Though not complete quiet – a group of college age kids had just come into the café and were being rather loud while waiting to place and collect their orders. She hoped they didn't stay after they got their drinks, though, she supposed she should be heading up soon anyways.

"OK, we'll be home by six," he said.

"I'll have something for dinner waiting for you then."

"You doing OK?" He asked.

"I'm fine," she told him, but then added, "It's a little strange to be in an empty house and to think Noah is sleeping somewhere other than his own bed – and it's not a hospital bed."

"And that's why you're not in the empty house," he said.

"It was a little too quiet for my likings," she said.

"Noah's going to do fine with sleeping here, I think, Liv," he told her. "I tried to tire him out good."

She nodded even though she knew he couldn't see it. "I know. Just make sure he knows where you are and you can hear him, in case he's up in the middle of the night and scared or confused."

"I will," he said. "Don't worry. We're fine."

"OK."

"You going to be heading home soon? It's getting sort of late to be wandering around in the dark alone."

She snorted. "I'm pretty sure I can handle myself, Will – and the four block walk home."

"I know," he said. "Just be careful."

"OK," she said again.

"Anyways, I guess I should go and get him tucked in."

"Likely a good idea, it's way past his bedtime."

"Yeah," he said and again there was a long pause. "I love you."

She allowed a little smile. "I love you too, Will."

"OK, night. See you tomorrow. Call if something comes up, OK?"

"I will. Night."

She sighed as she hung up the phone. Talking to them had just made it a bit harder. She felt a little lost and alone again – like she had that morning. Now she really didn't want to go back to the quiet and empty house without having her two boys waiting there – for hugs and company.

She looked at her tea. It was cold now – but she still took a sip at what was left at the bottom of the cup. And, looked back at her book. Maybe Irving was right, 'We're all terminal cases', she thought.


	117. Chapter 117

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Isn't it a bit hot to be playing in the dirt?" She commented as she made her way up the driveway.

Ted was crawling around in their front garden patch. He looked sweaty and tired – if not a little unimpressed.

He glanced over his shoulder at her and made a sigh and a 'forget-about-it' flick of the wrist at her.

"May bugged and bugged. 'Let's have a garden this year, Ted. We should make the front look a bit nicer, Ted. It'd be so nice to have some flowers in the house, Ted.' So I spend all Mother's Day weekend finagling the boys and the kids to get this done for her. But now who's the one stuck tending to it all summer? It's worse than having a dog. But I can't let $150-worth of flowers and hours of manual labour just shrivel up and die in this heat and drought, can I?"

She gave him a thin smile, as she pushed up her sunglasses to the top of her head. "It looks like you can't," she allowed.

He snorted. "Another woman who isn't a green thumb, I take it," he said, as he crawled over to pat around another flower, tugging the hose along with him. "But I bet you like getting them?"

"What woman doesn't like getting flowers?" she offered.

"I'll have to remind sonny boy of that," he said. He rolled over onto his butt and looked at her. "You look a lot taller from this angle, Olivia."

She laughed. "Do you want some help up, Ted?"

He waved his hand. "I may be old, but I'm not that old." He fumbled around and managed to get onto one knee and pushed himself up. She offered him a hand anyways and helped him pull himself up off the ground. He brushed at the dirt and grass sticking to his knees.

He hobbled a bit over to the front porch and then held up a pitcher towards her.

"Couldn't help me – but did leave this," he said. "I won't tell you it's cold anymore – but it's still lemonade. Do you want some?"

She nodded. "Sure."

She noticed that there were three glasses sitting with the pitcher – and she assumed that Will and Noah were supposed to be out there helping him too. But they were no where in sight.

"Where'd May get off to today?"

He handed her a glass and sipped at his own. He made a face like it was a little too tart for his liking. "Off at some sort of Ladies Auxiliary planning meeting for some of the summer events. So much for Sunday being a day of rest."

"Didn't know you guys did days of rest," she said.

He shrugged. "Well, I guess we should at least try to abide by the Big Guy's rules some days, right?"

She smiled and took a mouthful of her drink. Apparently it wasn't the tartness that Ted had made a face at. It tasted like May had dumped about a whole bag of sugar into the juice. She had to restrain herself to not spit it onto the ground.

Ted must've seen her face too – because his eyebrows went up. "My wife knows how to make lemonade. But I think a little six-year-old needs some practice," he told her.

She rolled her eyes again. "Was he trying to sell this?"

She'd noticed a little folding table at the end of the drive – but hadn't thought much about it at the time. The front yards in front of Will's parents and his brothers' places were always a mess of chaos from their various little projects and kids bouncing back-and-forth between the houses.

"He was – but I don't think it was a big seller. Nana had to buy the pitcher off him as she went down the drive and apparently I'm stuck drinking it."

"You have my condolences."

He nodded. "They're around back, if you're looking for them," he said, pointing toward the side gate. "Or they were."

She nodded but didn't budge.

She had debated about whether to make the trek all the way out. On the ferry, surrounded by Sunday tourists, she thought about getting back in line with the lot of them to take the ride back. Even on the bus down into their community – she continued to wonder if it was the best choice or if Will would have an adverse reaction to her appearing on his imposed weekend break. She walked really slowly from the bus stop to their house. Even though it had become a familiar walk – it felt long.

She kind of thought she was being a little ridiculous. She knew that she'd see them at dinner and that her and Will could talk again after Noah was into bed and try to smooth things out. She thought she should just try to enjoy having another day to herself. But the reality was, even though the me-time was nice – it all felt a little empty knowing that her two boys weren't around for when she got back from it.

Ted examined her for several moments.

"You know, when the boys were little, sometimes May would get so angry with me – about my shifts, about my work, about what I was or wasn't doing for the boys, about what I should be stressed about or what she thought I was stressed about. Some times about just about everything. And, some weekends she'd load them all into the car and go up state to her mother's place. At first, you always think, it's not so bad. Get to sleep in without the kids jumping on you or banging around downstairs, watch the game without having to play referee in your own living room, eat whatever the hell you want, drink beer. Always a little too quiet, though, right? Never quite right? Then, of course, you're sitting there and stressing about if she's going to forgive you and the family would pull through for the next round – or if you'd really done it in that time. Especially when she's up there with moms. Can only imagine what the old lady is telling her to do, right?"

She allowed him a small smile – at his attempt to share. But offered no comment.

"Will's a lot like his mom, you know," Ted said.

She snorted. "Well, I wish someone might've brought that to my attention previously."

Ted chuckled a bit. "I just meant … he feels things more – more than my other boys let on. All these emotions in him – always wanting to express them and then bruiting away instead." He made a faux-disgusted look – and she again gave him a little smile for his efforts. "He's got a good heart like May, though too. Loyal. You'll still be stuck with him when you're retired and on garden duty too."

She rubbed at her eyebrow. "I hope so."

Ted made eye contact with her. "You will, Olivia. Don't you fret." He nodded again towards the gate. "Go see them."

She nodded and started to walk around to the side of the house.

"You going to be joining us for dinner?" Ted called after her. "We've got a beer can and a chicken with your name on it."

She smiled. "You know how I just live for your Sunday summer cook-outs, Ted."

He nodded. "World famous, like it should be."

As soon as she started to walk up the side of the house, she started to hear bits and pieces of what almost sounded like music. But the breeze and the nearby traffic noise was threatening to drown it out.

When she got to the back, she discovered it was music, though. Or parts of it. Will was sitting on the steps of the back porch with Noah leaned against the opposite railing.

Sitting in Noah's lap was a full-sized acoustic guitar. It took up his whole chest and up to his chin – so that he really was having to peak over it and could hardly reach around it. His other little hand was up on the neck and trying to finger at the frets – again, it being too wide for him to really have much success. Will had an electric guitar – though it wasn't plugged into an amp – and he was patiently showing Noah some chord. Holding down the strings and then strumming – and then reaching across from him and adjusting Noah's little fingers to do the same and nodding his approval as the boy strummed.

She watched for a moment. Will's back was to her and Noah was completely absorbed in what he was doing. She liked the little moments where she got to watch her son without his knowledge. It was a different way of seeing the person he was. He always put such dedicated concentration into the things he was doing. It made her laugh a little. So little – but always taking things so seriously, always having his tongue hang just out of his lips and his brow so bunched up as he tried to learn. He so wanted to be able to do the things that the big boys did – or even better that Will did. He'd work so hard at it – with an attention span beyond his age.

She supposed the hospital had helped with that. It was easy to get bored in the hospital. He'd had to learn how to latch onto activities and just do them – as a form of distraction. Even when they were a little boring or redundant – at least they were something to do to pass time. Bored wasn't a word they used much anymore. She liked that. Time was too precious to think something was boring.

Noah looked up from what he was doing to get Will's approval but caught her eye. His face lit up.

"Mom," he said in his little voice that still filled with excitement when she was around. She often wondered how much longer just her presence would be enough to make him light up like that. "Will's teaching me to play guitar," he told her.

She smiled and moved closer to them as Will glanced behind his shoulder at her and gave her a smirk almost like he expected to see her.

"I can see that," she told Noah, and rubbed her hand from the top of his head down his cheek to his chin.

"Show Mom what you've learned so far," Will nudged her son.

Noah obediently looked back to the guitar and slowly worked at finding the places for his fingers and picked a couple strings. Will helped him move his fingers again and told him what string to pick. But slowly and sloppily – but surely – her son played what was distinguishable as the first few chords of the opening riff of Sweet Home Alabama.

"Wow," she smiled at him and touched his head again, as he glowed up at her. "That's fantastic, sweets."

"I'm going to learn to play the whole song," he told her excitedly.

"It sounds like you've got an amazing start."

She looked at Will. "I didn't know you played guitar," she said.

She did know he had some sort of musical talent – or at least at taken lessons as a child. His parents still had a piano in the living room and often when they were over, he'd go over to it for a few minutes and be goofy – often just playing the opening to Star Wars or the Linus and Lucy song from Charlie Brown. One time he'd sat down with Noah and worked at teaching him chopsticks. Another time she'd come into the room when he was sitting there alone – punching at the keys – and he'd looked at her and in false-seriousness started pretending to be some sort of concert pianist and had played Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata for her, without even having sheet music in front of him. She'd laughed at him at the start. He was making absurd faces and swaying as though moved by the music – but she'd been impressed and it had been beautiful. She'd eventually sat next to him on the bench and watched his hands move across the keyboard like it was effortless for him. She'd made some comment about it to him later and, as it was with any of his abilities or accomplishments, he'd just shrugged at them like it wasn't a big deal and really wasn't worth noticing. He'd told her music was really just another form of math anyways.

"Oh, there's lots of things you don't know about me Olivia Benson," he teased.

She snorted. She knew there was some truth to the statement – though as the years went on, she wondered how much. They knew a lot of each other's dirty laundry; enough to rub each other the wrong way – or to at least annoy the living crap out of each other with their own idiosyncrasies.

"I told you I was in a band," he added.

She looked at him and thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, in passing – and I assumed it was more in a 'this one-time at band camp' kind of way."

He laughed. "Mmm. There is so much I could do with that comment if he wasn't sitting right there," he nodded towards her son.

"You went to camp?" Noah asked with way too much excitement and interest.

Will gave him a little smile. "I did go to camp when I was a kid – but not band camp."

"What's band camp?"

Will held in another laugh that came out as a bit of a huff – and glanced at Liv. "It's where you go to learn to play an instrument."

"Like guitar?"

"Mmm, more like the flute or trumpet or trombone," he said.

Noah looked at him for a moment and then apparently lost interest in the topic and looked back at the guitar in his lap and strummed away just to make noise.

So Will turned his attention back to her. She felt a little bit like an insect under his gaze – like he was really weighing something and didn't much want her to be there. She started to wonder if it really had been a bad idea to come over.

But then he just said quietly, "New shirt?"

She gave him a little smile. "Yeah."

It was unlike Will to notice stuff like that. He was one of the most patient and gentlest men she'd met in her life. Even though she knew he had a bit of a temper that could flare and a dark side to him that at times hung over him – he wasn't an alpha male by any means. But he was still a guy. He didn't notice things like clothes or hair. She swore there were times where she'd do something incredibly obviously different with her hair and it would take him days to notice. She thought some times he just never did – he wouldn't even make a comment like he'd caught on that she'd cut it or styled it differently.

"It's nice," he said. "I like the way it fits."

She snorted. So that's why he noticed it, she thought.

"Thanks, I guess," she said a little sarcastically with a raised eyebrow.

He gave her a little smile and shrugged innocently. She just shook her head at him.

"I didn't expect to see you until later tonight," he said and looked back to his guitar, like he didn't want to make eye contact while having whatever sort of discussion they were having in front of her son.

"I figured why cook when your dad is making his apparently world famous beer can chicken," she said.

Will made a gagging sound and Noah giggled. Olivia rolled her eyes.

"Well, there's nothing in the oven at home, so it's that or take-out."

Will wagged his eyebrows. "Did someone say take-out?"

"For a health nut you sure like your take-out a lot," she said.

"How can you not like take-out when you live in New York City? The options are endless."

"Yeah, and I spent about 37 years of my life sampling them. That was enough to last a lifetime. I learned what a stove was for him," she jutted her chin towards Noah.

Will shrugged. "OK. Beer can chicken it is."

She looked at the ground and scuffed her foot – feeling like she'd raised her voice a little too much at him.

"Daddy, show Mom what you can play?" Noah demanded.

Will looked at him and made a "Mmm" sound, like he was considering what to play.

"Well, let's switch guitars for a sec then there, buddy," he said, holding out the electric in exchange for the acoustic. He looked at her and tilted his head a bit to capture her down cast eyes. "Any requests from the lady?"

She allowed him a small smile. "You think you can just play whatever, eh?"

He shrugged. "I have a pretty good ear. Seems like it's coming back pretty good – though my fingers and hands don't seem to be quite as flexible as they used to be. Out of practice."

She gave him a look like she had some sort of smart-ass comment to make about that – and she saw a small spread across his face and he shook his head.

"Surprise me," she said.

He made the "Mmm" sound again like he was thinking about it but then played the chords in a strum that were instantly recognizable to her – and he looked right at her.

It was Ben Lee's Surrender. It was a song in high rotation on their house at the moment. Noah loved the call-and-answer aspect of it – and Will just seemed to have an odd affinity for Ben Lee that she didn't quite understand. Most of his music was just a little too sappy for her – or maybe just a little too crunchy-granola. But Will could be a little crunchy-granola at times too. Either way, he'd half-ways joked to her more than once that rather than just singing the lyrics back-and-forth with Noah in the living room, maybe she should listen to them.

She shook her head at him and rolled her eyes as he started to play.

"I have felt an angel's kiss," he sang to her and she sighed and looked to the sky, a little annoyed with him now.

"Mom, it's the repeat song, you have to say it back," Noah protested.

She just shook her head again.

Will kept playing but looked at Noah. "Mommy is a bit of a stick in the mud today," he nodded at the boy.

"Bah-humbug," Noah said – their usual response for sticks-in-the-mud.

"Bah-humbug," Will agreed and shot her a look.

She shook her head at him – but allowed him a smile. "You're an idiot," she told him. "There are very few people in the world who have ever driven me about as crazy as you do."

"I drive you crazy, Mom," Noah let her know.

She laughed and caressed his little cheek. "Sweets, you absolutely drive me crazy, every day."

Will looked at her. "Olivia, you're so used to being alone – you don't know how to accept help when you need it," he told her seriously.

She thought about it and sighed. She shrugged at him. "You're right."

"Then maybe you should listen to me," he offered.

She sighed again and looked down. She shook her head. "You're right."

She looked at him – and shifted her eyes to her son who was examining the electric guitar and playing with the knobs on the front.

"I hate that I missed this," she said. "You teaching him to play."

Will gazed at her. "You didn't. You're right here."

She shrugged. "Barely. I missed him selling lemonade."

Will laughed. "You didn't miss much there. But I took pictures for you. How much money did you make, Noah?"

"Two dollars," he said, glancing up.

"Who bought your lemonade?" He asked.

"Uncle Rob, Aunt Karen, Aunt Becky, Wendy and Kyle and Nana and you."

Olivia held back a laugh at the list of familial customers. "I tried your lemonade with Popa out front, sweets," she told him.

"Uncle Rob said I forgot to put lemons in it."

She did laugh. Will looked at her and gave her a smile.

"I watched him make it. I refused to drink it. I thought I might slip into a diabetic coma if I did."

She gave him a smile.

"I've wanted to be part of a family a long time, Will," she said softly, and keeping her eyes on Noah – who was again absorbed in just plucking at the strings on the guitar. "I've waited too long for this. I've worked too hard to have it. I can't lose it."

He reached out and touched her hand and pulled her closer to the stairs they were sitting on – and to him. "Then don't, Liv. Take care of yourself – and the rest of this will take care of itself, I promise."

She looked at him. "It hurt you leaving how you did … after …" she didn't want to mention her flashback. She didn't even want to think about it.

He looked down at the ground for a moment before bringing his eyes back to hers. "I know. I'm sorry. I didn't know how to deal with it. But that was wrong of me. I did feel we needed a bit of a break – but I didn't mean to …"

She squeezed his hand. "It's OK. I understand. Just …"

He nodded. "I'll do better next time."

He tugged her arm until she sat on the steps next to him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and planted a kiss on her temple.

"I missed you," he said. She gave him a little smile. "You're kind of disgustingly miss-able."

She laughed. "I thought you were going to say disgustingly impossible there for a second."

He shrugged. "You are definitely that too. Does Mommy drive us crazy Noah?"

Noah looked up from what he was doing. "YES!" He agreed.

Will nodded. "Absolutely."

He strummed at the guitar again. "Here, try this again Bah-Humbug," he said.

"Well I can't promise I won't fall," he sang and looked at her. She rolled her eyes but repeated it for him – and a smile spread across his face.

"I can't say that I'm never scared," he sang again, and kept his eyes connected with hers. Noah joined her to repeat that line.

"I can't promise much at all," Will told her – and she again returned. "But when you call me, I'll be there."

"Let go," he said – and she repeated it back for him. "Give in. Give up."

He stopped playing and pointed at her.

"Surrender," she sighed.

His smile spread and strummed some more. "Surrender," he agreed.

She shook her head at him. "You drive me absolutely crazy."

"And I love you too," he told her – briefly glancing her way.

She rolled her eyes. She wasn't sure he noticed at that point, though. He was busy repeating the refrain again with Noah – who seemed to be insanely into getting to call out the lyrics.


	118. Chapter 118

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia sat on the couch in the work-appointed shrink's office – just willing this latest session to be over. They'd been spending the session so far with their usual back-and-forth about how she was doing, how work was going, how she was generally coping. It all just felt like a never-ending circular discussion each week. She didn't know how many more ways she could figure out to say she was fine until the next board meeting that would finally decide the fate of her compassionate care contract – and if she'd be heading into a large labour rights battle.

"You look tired, Olivia," Ashley commented. "Is the workload particularly heavy this week? Are you sleeping OK?"

She sighed. "I'm sleeping. The workload isn't any worse than usual."

"How's your son doing right now? Your schedule shows you've been taking more of your leave time than usual with him the last few weeks. Are things going OK there?"

She shrugged. "He was hospitalized. I needed to be there."

"What happened?"

"He had a fever – an infection," she said. "His port had a blockage. He needed surgery to have it taken out and a new one put in."

"Is it a major surgery?"

She shook her head. "No. But he was on a chemo hold at the time – so he just needed some more monitoring after it. So we stayed at the hospital for a couple days."

"A chemo hold?"

She looked at the ceiling. "He was taken off his treatment for a few weeks. His counts were down. He was having problems with his liver. He needed a couple blood transfusions to give him a boost."

"That sounds awful," the shrink commented.

She shrugged again. "That's our reality."

"That's a pretty rough reality, though, isn't it?"

She just looked at her. "It's still our reality."

Ashley made some sort of note. "Is he still on the chemo hold?"

She shook her head. "No. We're back to our protocol. But that's why I've missed some time the last couple weeks. He's struggling with being phased back onto his main drug. He was always a little sensitive to it – but with being off it and now going back on to it …" She sighed and shrugged. "Mornings are hard right now. It's hard to send him to school like that. Some days it's just easier to keep him home – let him rest."

"Do you find it hard to decide if you're going to stay home with him or come into work on a given day?" She asked.

Olivia examined the floor. The answer was an absolute yes. Every day was a struggle. Every day she wished she didn't have to work and she could just stay home with her son. She wished she was there with him every step of the way – to provide him hugs and comfort when he wasn't feeling well, to check up on him and make sure he wasn't in any discomfort or pain, to make sure he ate, to make sure he washed his hands, to just make sure he was OK and that he knew she was there for him. But she knew that she couldn't be there with him full-time.

She also knew that it was over-kill to even want to do that. But it didn't make it any easier – especially on the days where she saw him struggling. There seemed to be more of those lately again. He'd often show a bit of a bounce by the afternoon and be a bit brighter eyed. Still, in the morning he dragged around and complained and it was hard for her to force herself to get him ready for school anyways, take him out the door, walk him the few blocks and have to watch him reluctantly trudge to the arrival line. Some days she just couldn't make herself do it – and she'd called in and said she was taking the day to care for her son.

"I have a commitment to my job," was the answer she gave, though.

"Yes, but you're a mother – with a child dealing with an extremely challenging health situation," Ashley said. "You're clearly committed to him too."

Olivia just sighed and wrapped her arms tighter around her mid-section.

"Does Will take much time off work to help?" She asked.

She nodded and rubbed at her eyebrow again. "He has more flexibility in his schedule – to an extent. When he doesn't have lectures or meetings or office hours, he can often do a lot of his work from home."

"So he doesn't take time off, as much as he works from home?"

Olivia shrugged. "Some times he takes time off. It's harder for him to get actual time-off. It's easier for him to just re-arrange his schedule."

"That doesn't sound very fair," Ashley commented.

Olivia made a face. "It's not a competition. I appreciate his help. He's there when I need him – when Noah needs him."

"So his help isn't just a given at this point?" She asked. "It's still something you have to appreciate?"

Olivia snorted. "Would it be much of a relationship if we didn't appreciate each other?"

Ashley watched her. "How is your relationship doing in all of this?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head. "How does that have any bearing on my work situation?"

The shrink made another note. "Well, we've talked about this many times now, Olivia. The purpose of these sessions is to provide you a supportive environment and counseling to ensure you are in the position to continue to perform your job – mentally, emotionally and physically. Our discussions don't have to always be directly about your work. Your relationship is another important aspect of your life – having support there is likely important to you being able to continue in your position effectively. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I have Will's support," she said purposely.

"How does Will feel about you working while your son is ill?"

"That's not his decision to make," she spat.

"I didn't ask that," Ashley said patiently. "I asked how he felt about it. He must have an opinion."

Olivia gave a small shrug and sank back into the couch.

"Would he prefer you take more time off?"

Olivia snorted. "Will would prefer I got medicated, went into group therapy and took more me-time," she spat out loudly and with vehement frustration.

But she hung her head as she realized she'd said it out loud. She hadn't meant for that to come out. It just felt like it was a constant fight between her and Will at the moment and she was so frustrated. But she didn't want to say that out loud – not here. She berated herself – fearing she'd just shot herself in the foot, badly.

Ashley watched her carefully for a moment and made a couple small notes.

"You know, Olivia, if that's what you want – I can refer you to a psychiatrist in this building who can get you set up with a prescription – or I can prepare a note for you to take to your GP, if you'd prefer. I can also refer you to a group, if you'd like."

Olivia shook her head.

She tapped her note pad. "Your boyfriend …"

"Fiancé," Olivia said quietly.

Ashley gave her a small smile. "Congratulations. Well, your fiancé, then, might have a point," she offered, but Olivia had gone back to examining her tightly griped hands in her lap.

"Studies have shown that more than 50 per cent of mothers with children who have cancer experience symptoms acute stress disorder," she said. "More than a quarter suffer from post-traumatic stress from the diagnosis – until years after the child is in remission."

Olivia gave her a small glance at that and settled a bit more into the couch again.

"Your medical file here – it shows you received some counseling following an undercover assignment. There was a flag for possible PTSD in the file. Did you ever pursue that? Get outside treatment or counseling?"

Olivia sighed. She didn't want to confirm that. She didn't want it to some how work its way back and appear in her jacket. The fact she was in counseling for PTSD had come too close to becoming public information previously – and that had added a whole new aspect to the stress of dealing with it.

"Olivia, if you already suffer from PTSD, you're at a greater risk of your son's illness triggering it in you as well," she offered. "It could be worse – more severe – even harder for you to cope with on your own."

The detective made no comment.

"There are interventions and programs designed specifically for parents of children with cancer, you know?"

Olivia nodded and rubbed at her face again, before her hand found Will's pendant around her neck and began twisting at it. "Yeah, there's stuff at the hospital."

"Are you participating in any of it?"

She shrugged. "We have meetings with my son's social worker. We go to the caregivers' support group sometimes. Some of the other programs."

"Yes, we've talked about that before. But do you go to anything specifically directed at parents dealing with the stress and anxiety associated with this experience you're going through?"

"No."

"Does your hospital offer those programs?"

She examined the floor. "I'm not sure."

"I think you should look into that before our next session – as part of your home work. I will also look into some options here from my end, as well."

The detective made an audible but indistinguishable sound.

"You don't feel attending some PTSD counseling directed at this might be helpful? Or attending some group therapy? There are often family programs – you could take your son and your fiancé with you."

"My son doesn't need counseling," she spat.

"You've mentioned that he sees a social worker – and participates in art and music therapy," Ashley said. "A family program would be structured in a similar way – to make it constructive for the child – for the whole family. You might find it extremely beneficial for you – and for Noah."

"My son is fine," she said again – harshly.

Ashley examined her carefully. "Post-traumatic stress often occurs in life-changing, devastating experiences. This fits the criteria. Childhood cancer survivors often develop PTSD later in life."

Olivia threw her hands up in the air. "Great. Add it to the list of things our family gets to deal with. But right now – he is fine. My son doesn't need to spend his life in therapy – in addition to spending his childhood in hospitals."

"Is that how you feel? That your son is missing his childhood?"

"He is missing his childhood," Olivia spat. "He was four when he was diagnosed. He had his fifth birthday – in the hospital in induction treatment. He had a fucking spinal tap on his birthday. And, now, he gets to go for labs every week, take pills every day, get pulses and IV drips every month, and see doctors more often then most kids will see in their whole childhood. And this is going to go on for another two and a half years – assuming he doesn't relapse or that more holds don't push back the schedule. And then we get to have another two years after that of more doctors' appointments and monitoring and tests – to confirm the cancer hasn't come back. Then … then … we get to say he's cancer-free. Then we get to say he's a survivor. He'll be nine. How is that a childhood? Not to mention – he's going to need to be monitored for the rest of his life. Because some of these treatments – well they could put him at an increased risk of other cancers. Or the cancer could just come back. The rest of his life is going to be doctors' appointments, tests, waiting, watching, wondering. This is going to hang over us for the rest of his life."

"And you feel responsible for that?"

"No. I feel like it's something we have to deal with – and we are."

"But you feel guilty about it? That your son isn't getting the childhood you had hoped for him?"

She looked at the ceiling. She felt tears coming on – but refused to cry. She stared until she composed herself and then looked back down at the psychologist.

"I just try my best to do right by him," she said.

"And you question if you're doing that?"

She crossed her arms and squeezed at her own biceps – staring at the wall ahead of her.

"I think I'm doing the best I can."

"And Will is telling you, you need to do more? That must be upsetting for you to hear."

She sighed. "Will just … wants me to be OK. He just deals with things differently than me."

"How is he dealing with all of this?"

She shrugged. "His own way. Quietly."

"Has he sought any help in coping?"

She rubbed at her eyebrow again. She wasn't sure it was her place to discuss Will's head-issues with her work-appointed shrink.

"I don't think that's relevant," she said.

Ashley looked at her. "I think it is. Perhaps if he's getting help in his coping – that's part of the reason he feels you might benefit from additional therapy as well."

"I don't think he's seeking help directly related to this," she allowed.

"But he does see some sort of mental-health provider?"

"I know he attends some sort of counseling," she said cautiously. "I don't ask about it."

"But it's likely reasonable to assume that your son's illness may have come up?"

"That's speculative," she said.

Ashley gave her a smile. "This isn't court, Olivia. We aren't trying to prove a case. We're just talking."

"It sounds like you're trying to prove a case," she said.

"That you could benefit from some structured therapy directed at parents in your situation? Yes," she agreed. "But I can't force you to do that. It is out of my prevue. Though, I do think that dealing with the stress you are experiencing at home – may make it easier for you to deal with the stress you experience on the job."

Olivia sighed and looked at her watch. She still had about 10 more minutes before she could escape this session.

"What's Will think of your job?"

She snorted. "Why's that matter?"

"Just being in law enforcement is often a strain on a relationship," Ashley offered.

"Will doesn't understand my job."

"In what way?"

"In every way. I don't want him to."

"You don't want him to understand something that is so important to you – that you are fighting to ensure you keep your position? He doesn't need to understand something that is so clearly very much a part of you – and your identity?"

She shrugged. "He supports me. That's what's important – whether he understands it, or likes it, or not."

"And he can truly support you without understanding what it is you do?"

"He knows what I do. He just …" she shook her head. "Why would I want him to understand it? I don't even understand why perps do half the things I see. Why would I want him thinking about it?"

"Are you able to talk to him about your job? After you've had a bad day – or are working a hard case?"

She sighed and examined the ceiling again. "I'm selective about what I talk about with him. I try not to bring my work home."

"Because you don't think he can handle it?"

"No – because my family doesn't need to be exposed to that."

"But you are a part of that family too – and it's a part of you," Ashley said.

"Maybe I'd just prefer Will – and my son – they knew the other sides of me. I'm not just my job."


	119. Chapter 119

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia suspected she was about as fascinated with watching Noah work at solving the puzzle game he was working on, as her son seemed to be in trying to complete it.

Will had brought up the Perplexus home the night before. Someone at work had handed it to him to add to the disaster zone that was his office – and the collection of odd and unique toys, games and collectibles he had sitting on top of nearly every flat surface in there. He'd thought Noah might like it – and he'd been right. Since being handed it – she didn't think her son had really put it down.

She thought it was fascinating to watch Noah's concentration as he worked at getting the little marble inside the see-through sphere to navigate the three-dimensional maze. But what she found more fascinating was how each time the ball fell off its track, Noah didn't seem to grow more frustrated at all. He just rolled it around until it got back to the start and tried again.

That hadn't been her attitude with it. She'd picked it up after Noah was asleep the night before to try to gauge what was engaging him so much about it. She quickly got drawn into how addictive it was to try to out do yourself and to just get the ball to the end of the bloody maze. The game looked deceptively easy – since it was designed for children. But it was hard. Really hard. It was more based on steady hands and the ability to see the track in multi-dimensions to figure out how to turn the sphere next without sending the thing flying. She was swearing at the damn thing within about five minutes of picking it up. After losing about 40 minutes of growing frustration to it – she'd forced herself to put it down – before she threw it across the room. But not her son. He hardly seemed bothered each time he got off track and seemed fine with just trying again. Over and over and over.

She loved to see the quiet persistence her son had. He just had this sense of calmness about him and this perseverance. She was seeing it more and more in him in his cancer journey – but also as he was getting a little older. Some times she felt he was a little too old for his age. She liked seeing the traits in him, though; this strength of character – an old soul in a little body.

Often when she had him out at the playground or the pool or at the community centre doing one of the craft classes – she felt lucky. She saw so many parents ready to pull their hair out – with their perfectly healthy, though hyperactive and undisciplined kids. She thought she'd likely be really losing her mind if Noah was like that. Cancer and behaviour problems? She didn't want to even think about it.

But her son was a quiet child – he always had been. She knew he was an introvert, even though she was putting effort into trying to help him come out of his shell. She knew the Noah that wasn't hiding in his shell – and he was a sweet, smart, silly little boy. When they were out doing activities in the community, though, he'd often stick close to her or Will. And, even when he wasn't, he'd play or putter by himself. He'd stay focused on whatever he was doing until he seemingly got the results he wanted – whether it was making it across the monkey bars, running all the way up the hill without having to stop, getting the googley eyes glued on just right, or completing his latest master-creation in Lego.

Sometimes it all made her a little proud of him. Other times she wanted to pat herself on the back a bit like it was her parenting abilities. Though, she knew a lot of it really was just his temperament. She lucked out, she thought. But she also knew he'd probably inherited at least some of it from her and maybe the rest of it had been learned.

"What number are you up to now, sweets?" She asked him as the marble fell again and he maneuvered the sphere to get it back to the beginning.

"Twenty-eight," he mumbled at her, shaking the toy around.

Her and Noah had retreated to their tiny little garden after dinner. Will was in an awful mood – and she needed some space from him. It was a nice night, though, and she didn't much feel like going and sitting in Noah's basement playroom disaster. So she'd taken her book and curled up on the lounge chair on the patio – feeling how the starts of dusk were causing the humidity to seep a little bit out of the city air. She'd started out there alone and managed to plough through several pages. But her son had apparently noticed her absence from the house and had come out looking for her. He'd pedaled his scooter back-and-forth the 21-foot length of the space for a bit. She supposed he'd gotten bored with that though and had disappeared back inside for a few minutes before reappearing with the toy and crawling onto the lounger with her. It was still a little humid for the proximity – and the skin of his little short-sleeved arms stuck to hers a bit as he initially settled against her. But she wasn't going to turn down quiet or cuddle time with her son – especially when he was the one seeking it out. He wasn't much looking for hugs, though. He'd apparently just wanted to sit with her – and hadn't even said a thing as he started working on trying to complete the maze. She'd gone back to reading – but quickly became distracted with just watching him instead. He was so absorbed, he didn't even seem to notice her eyes on him.

Will slid open the door and she looked up at him – trying to determine if her Will had decided to rejoin them yet, or if he was still in a grouch.

He'd had to go for a physical that morning as part of the adoption process. Apparently, he'd decided it wasn't a pleasant experience – or that he just hated that they were having to jump through hoops to get the paperwork approved. She, personally, didn't feel he had much of a right to complain about a short doctor's appointment, a little bit of poking and prodding, pissing in a cup and a couple vials of blood. Not after everything they'd watched Noah go through – and when he was technically going through it for Noah. She'd really had bite her tongue as he ranted about it when he finally arrived home from work – late. Supposedly, the doctor had been running so behind in the morning and the lab was so backed-up that it had completely fucked up his whole day – or so he said.

She knew he was just generally stressed about the whole extenuating circumstances step-parent adoption process. He was taking the mindset that if it didn't work out – that it would somehow be his fault. She didn't feel that was the case – it was just precedent wasn't in their favour. She told him if they didn't get approved, they'd just re-file after they'd been married for a year. She didn't like it much either – but she was trying not to send the whole family into a tizzy about it. Will, though, seemed pretty set on being in a tizzy about it. She understood – but she didn't really feel it was helping their cause at all. He was already stressing about their upcoming – and first - meeting for their home study. Worse, in his mind, was that his family would soon be having to go through interviews about him.

She'd tried to assure him about that too. His parents were happy about their engagement – and they might as well have told May that they were pregnant when they'd told them Will was adopting Noah. They were being extremely supportive – in the way they always were – annoyingly overbearing but wanting the best for their son. She really didn't think there was much of anything they could say or do that would make or break the adoption process. Though, she did understand Will trepidation about it all. He had such a love-hate relationship with his family. But at least he had a relationship with them – and they were good people.

But she also knew the whole stress of him trying to keep his head on straight had only been amplified by the fact that he'd suddenly heard from Tessa's family. It was just kind of bad timing – and a strange headspace for him to be placed in while they were dealing with everything else in establishing and normalizing their family life, in a more official capacity. It was really easy to see that he was feeling guilty that the email had made him think about his previous life. She could only imagine what else was going through his mind. She'd caught him several times just sitting and staring into space – slack jawed and these hard blank eyes that scared her a bit. In her mind, she thought he was reliving that morning, where from the bits and pieces he'd said over the years, she saw him as standing in one of the professor lounges at Harvard and watching the whole thing on television in horror while making frantic phone calls – and never getting a response. So he'd been bouncing between these periods of darkness and quiet to extreme irritability the past several days.

Will glared at her and Noah as he stepped onto the patio. He held up a piece of Lego.

"Noah, you left your Lego all over the floor, AGAIN, and I just stepped on it AGAIN," he said in an absurdly accusing tone.

She'd almost rolled her eyes at him. She'd long ago accepted that stepping on Lego – as uncomfortable and sometimes as painful as it was – was just part of having a little boy. But Noah barely even glanced at him. That apparently set Will off more – because he stormed over and snatched the maze away from Noah, who let out a little sound and then looked up at him.

"GO clean up your Lego. It's not even supposed to be in the living room. Take it to your playroom or your bedroom. NOW."

Noah sulked for a moment and glanced at her. She rubbed his back reassuringly but gave him a nod to listen and he slowly got up and trudged back into the house.

"You didn't have to talk to him like that," she told Will after Noah was out of earshot.

She tried not to disagree with Will on the occasions he was the one handing out discipline or being the authority figure. She didn't want to set a precedent that her son was allowed to contradict or challenge Will. Though, dealing with the discipline ultimately still mostly fell to her. That was kind of the way she preferred it anyways.

"I'm fucking sick and tired of stepping on that crap all the time," Will said.

Now she did roll her eyes. "It's just Lego, Will. Relax."

"It's all over the fucking house," he spat back. "Why's it even in the living room? I thought we weren't doing Lego in the living room anymore?"

"I," she stressed, "told him he could play in the living room – so I," she stressed again, "could watch him while I was making dinner."

"He's SIX. You don't need to be babysitting him all the fucking time, Olivia."

She glared at him. "His temperature is up today. It's hot. His hydration isn't great. I am going to watch my son."

He shook his head at her. "Well, maybe you can start to be a little less lax with the rules and make sure the house is a bit less of a disaster before the home study."

She snorted. "Yeah, Will. I'm really lax with my son. Usually you're at me about having too many rules and being too strict. Tonight – change of story when you've got your boxers are in a knot about a stubbed toe. You don't like the way the house looks – clean it up yourself. You haven't been great about helping with that lately."

She got up from the lounger – intending to go in and help Noah pick up the bricks and then start to get him ready for bed. But Will blocked her way. She crossed her arms.

"Where did you move my work files?"

"I didn't touch your work files," she said.

"They aren't where I left them," he said.

She raised her eyebrow. "Really, Will? Where'd you leave them?"

He didn't respond, she pushed passed him and stepped into the dining room – walked to the serving window from the kitchen and picked up the yellow folder that was sitting there and tossed it onto the table.

"That's where they've been sitting since last night," she told him without looking back and went into the living room – and knelt on the floor with Noah and started helping him toss the little bricks into his bin.


	120. Chapter 120

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"If you're that uncomfortable with it, then just don't go," Elliot said, as he held the door open for her at the coffee shop. They were stopping in to get caffeinated on the way back from the court house.

"He asked me to go with him," she said, as she got into line. "It's not the kind of thing you can just say no to."

Elliot examined her. "Maybe it won't be as awkward as you think," he suggested.

"'Here dead wife's family, meet my new family – the one I never got to have with your daughter and sister'?"

Elliot shrugged. "That might actually be kind of what they want – checking in on him to make sure he's OK, that he's moved on. Don't you have your bottom-drawer cases and victims that you check up on for the exact same reasons?"

She sighed and shrugged. He had a point.

It was a bad time of day to be in a coffee shop – mid-morning rush – added to the fact that she'd apparently picked about the busiest coffee shop in a five-block radius for them. Elliot would've been fine if they just picked up swill at one of the carts on the street. But she needed something of a bit more substance to process this. She supposed the lengthy line was providing that.

"Have you been to the Memorial yet?" He asked.

She shook her head. "Have you?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Just going might be a good experience. You can go over to the first responders section – look for your own names while he does his thing," he suggested.

She rubbed at her eyebrow and tucked a piece of hair behind her hair. "Yeah, I guess."

"This is more an insecurity thing, isn't it?"

She gave him a dirty look. "No. It's an awkwardness thing. It's a bad timing thing. It's got him stressed out. We've got enough stress on the go."

"He could just say no too."

"Can he really? Is that really an option?" She asked somewhat sarcastically.

Will had very carefully told her that he'd received an email from Tessa's sister. They'd retired for the night. He'd headed up to bed before her – but that was usually the norm. What wasn't normal was that he was still awake when she got upstairs, and had been laying and staring at the ceiling. She'd cuddled up against him after she got into bed. But his body language had been very rigid, even in how he'd brought his hand up around her back and shoulder, after she'd put her head against his chest.

"What's wrong?" She'd asked. It'd been really obvious that something was wrong – he'd been quiet that night, and now something was clearly keeping him up.

She'd expected him to start talking about work or to express concerns about the adoption process, or even just about Noah generally. But instead, he'd let her question hang in the air for a long time, before saying he'd received the email on his work account from Tessa's younger sister. She'd said that Tessa's father had passed away in the winter – from prostate cancer. That her father had regretted in his dying days that they hadn't ever worked up the strength to come to New York and see where their daughter had died – or maybe more importantly to see the things she'd been so excited to get to do in the city, most of which she didn't get to do. Her mother had decided that it was time to make the trip – for Tessa and for her husband. So they would be in the city on the long weekend in a few weeks – she'd be coming with her mother and bringing her husband and children. She'd told Will that they felt badly that they'd lost touch and that they'd really like to see him.

Will's initial reaction had been to decline their request to meet and then their invitation for him to go with them to the 9/11 Memorial. But Olivia had told him that she didn't think that would be very appropriate – that she thought he should go. How can you tell the family of your former wife that you didn't want to see them again? She wasn't sure you could – especially when they hadn't had some sort of fall-out. They'd just grown apart – as they all tried to find ways to cope with their loss. But in telling him that he should see them, she hadn't really considered that he'd think about it – and then ask her to go with him. She knew he felt a little scared and awkward about going and seeing Tessa's mother and sister – and her husband and kids. But she wasn't sure that her and Noah showing up in tow was going to make the situation any easier for anyone involved.

She tried not to think much about Will's previous life. There was an aspect of insecurity in it – but more often it was that she'd feel a sadness or a pity for Will, which she thought would be expected for anyone who'd loss their wife, especially at a young age. More so, she thought there was just a recognition that stopping and thinking about 9/11 brought about moments of quiet reflection and a bit of sorrow for any New Yorker – if not the whole country. But she also knew Will hated pity and he hated being told how he was supposed to feel or react to 9/11 and his loss. It was one of the reasons he'd had an even more strained relationship with his family in the years following the Attacks – as they expected him to feel and react in certain ways, as they wanted his mourning to be like theirs for their fallen brothers. But Will was Will and he'd always insisted on dealing with it his own way and in his own time and refused to let others dictate that or look at him with sad eyes or half-hearted condolences.

But she also knew how he was – and even though she knew he loved her and had moved on from his relationship with Tessa – she also knew that in a way, him choosing to live in the city was a sort of self-torture. It was purposely placing himself near constant reminders for what he'd lost, that day, and all of what that fall-out had meant for him. She liked to think that their relationship and the memories they were making – their family – was a redemption for the city, and what it stood for in his life. She had seen clear indications that their friendship, and now relationship, had helped him re-establish ties with him family in a more healthy way. It had also helped them not see him as as much of a victim. He really was moving on – it seemed to convince them – he wasn't just pretending or holding it all in to deal with when he broke. She knew Will loved the city – in his own way – and that he appreciated being able to establish happy memories here as an adult too.

But 9/11 was a scar that couldn't ever be removed from New York. It certainly wasn't something that could ever be removed from Will either. It was a part of him. She was a little concerned about what all of this recent communication with his dead wife's family would stir up in him. She was even more concerned about how he'd handle meeting them and how he'd handle going to the Memorial. He'd had opportunities to go to the Memorial in the past and he'd always turned them down. He just completely avoided that part of town as much as possible, actually.

"It's the long weekend," Elliot suggested. "He could just say he has other plans – going to be out of town."

"We aren't going to lie to them," she said.

Elliot shrugged. "Well, he hasn't talked to them for years, didn't you say? It might not be that insulting if he just said no."

She shook her head. "He can't say no. We'll just have to go."

El nodded. They were finally almost to the front. "I'm sure it won't be that bad. You're used to dealing with all sorts of people and awkward situations."

"It's that I don't know anything about them," she said. "I don't even know much of anything about Tessa. Everything I know is just random little bits of information he's given me in passing over the years."

Elliot gave her a bit of a look. "Really?" She nodded. "And you never … dug."

She sighed. "Well, I guess I only ever really wanted to know so much about it. It's not something I really want to dwell on. Being obsessed with his dead wife wouldn't exactly have been healthy for our relationship. The couple times I've brought anything up about 9/11 or his marriage or her – he shuts down. I don't push it."

El nodded. "I can see a guy not really wanting to dwell on that or talk about it. Probably normal. You could've dug up information about her, though, if you really wanted to."

"El, that'd be a complete invasion of his privacy – and also a little insecure and pathetic on my part."

"Like that's stopped you before," he said.

She gave him a glare – and stepped forward to place her order. She motioned for him to do the same – and picked up the bill for both of them, since she was the one that had decided they were stopping. They walked around to the side to now stand and wait for their coffee's to get made.

"You had to go and order something that wasn't just a coffee, didn't you?" He commented at her.

"I don't come into these places and pay these prices to drink just a coffee," she said.

"So what do you know about her?" He asked.

She shrugged. "That they met at Harvard. That she was a pharmacology student and worked in the student dining hall. That her family is from Minnesota. That she liked outdoorsy stuff. She was working as some sort of advisor for one of the big insurance companies. They got married in July. That they went to Peru and hiked Machu Pichhu on their honeymoon. That she liked cheesecake. That's about it. I've seen one picture."

El made another face. "Not much."

She agreed. "Not much."

"Well, she was likely a good person – Will seems to have OK taste."

She rolled her eyes.

"Just try not to make a big deal out of it, Liv. It's just a few hours out of your life. Go and support him. That's likely all he's looking for. Not an easy thing for him."

She looked at El. "I know. That's what I'm afraid of. He's so fucking private about it all – and now he's basically throwing the doors open to some extent. He's giving me the opportunity to take a look, if I want. But to me, it's just a sign that he's likely barely holding it together. Selfishly – I'm worried about what it means for our family."

Elliot shook his head. "That's not selfish. Family is everything. Protecting your kid – that's everything. If you really think this is going to send Will into some sort of tailspin that's going to hurt your relationship or Noah – he shouldn't go."

"Nothing's ever really black and white is it?" She said, finally picking up her drink.

"You're good at grey areas," he assured her. "Lots of practice."


	121. Chapter 121

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She startled awake so badly that she was sent fumbling for bedside table. In the back of her mind – she knew she was likely grabbing for her gun and thinking there was an intruder – which was exactly why she didn't keep her weapon anywhere near the bed.

Her deep sleep was on the list of things she hated about the sleeping pills – and the anxiety medication she was on now. Apparently she was going to get off the sleeping pills after the other medication had been in her system a while and she'd started to level off – and hopefully became a little less irritable and restless and a little better able to concentrate and to sleep on her own accord.

But for now the sleeping pills were knocking her out. Really knocking her out. She wasn't sure she'd slept that deeply in her life – and she didn't really like it. Not only did it not feel like a natural sleep and she wasn't really sure it was exactly rested that she felt when she woke up – but she was having trouble hearing Noah at all when he was up in the night. She really hated that.

"Mommy," she heard his voice say again and she managed to calm her breathing with the realization that it was him who had woken her and he was standing next to her bed, shaking her shoulder.

She sighed and rubbed her eyes – and looked at Will. A train could be going through the room and he wouldn't hear it. She didn't know how he slept that well. He claimed it was a combination of exercise and an extremely boring job – especially in the summer, where he spent most of his time just crunching numbers through the computer, staring at equations and looking for patterns.

"Oh, sweets, you scared me," she said. "Do you need your bed changed?"

She saw him shake his head in the dark. "There's thunder, Mom," he told her.

She listened for a moment. She could hear the rain coming down – but there was no thunder.

"Mmm," she sighed. "Did the storm wake you up?"

"It's loud," he said.

The thunder must've heard him – because then lightning lit up the sky through the window and the thunder rolled overhead. It actually was so loud she wondered how the hell she was sleeping through it – and that concerned her a little too about having the drugs in her system.

"Can I sleep with you?" Noah whined.

She forced herself to sit up more at that request. "Sweetheart, you're getting a little grown up to be sleeping with, Mommy. Com'on, let's go downstairs for a bit and see if we can get you back to sleep down there." She stuck out her hand for him and started to guide him down the stairs.

The thunder rumbled again as they got to the bottom of the stairs.

"It's too scary to sleep down here alone, Mommy," he told her.

She sighed. "Mommy's going to lay down with you for a while in your bed, sweetheart," she promised. "Com'on. Do you need to pee before going back to bed?"

He shook his head. She looked at him hard. "I think you should try to pee before you lay down again, Noah."

"It's dark in there," he told her.

"Your night light is in the bathroom," she sighed. Waking up from the pill-induced sleep didn't seem to help with her irritability. It usually just made her want to crash back into bed.

"No it's not," he whined.

She tugged his arm to the bathroom door and realized that he was right. The hydro was out – and she hadn't noticed. She really was out of it.

"Hmm, OK, the storm must've knocked down a power line somewhere," she said. "Let's see if we can find the flashlight."

She picked him up – so he wasn't stumbling around in the dark with her. He didn't want to be left behind in the dark little alcove between his bedroom and the bathroom on the main floor. Thankfully they did have a flashlight sitting on the top shelf of the front hall closet and she didn't have to go and try to see if they'd put one under the sink in the kitchen. She wouldn't have even been able to guess what other locations it might've got left in – if it wasn't there either.

She switched it on – and was also thankfully its batteries worked – and handed it to him. He swished it around like a lightsabre a couple times before he lead them back towards his room.

"OK, sweets, go pee."

"I can't pee and hold the flashlight," he protested.

"Just put it on the counter, Noah," she sighed.

He looked like he had to think about that idea for a moment – like he wouldn't have even considered it and it was quite the revelation. But he then compiled – so she went into his bedroom and laid down on his bed. She thought she might fall back asleep before he even returned – but he came flying back in and landed on the bed with a bounce and giggles before crawling up next to her and kicking his feet back under the covers.

"Did you wash your hands?" She asked him.

"Yes," he whined out in an annoyed voice that she had to even ask.

She touched his hands. They still felt a little damp.

"I don't smell soap," she told him.

He made a huffing sound. "I used soap, Mom."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Did you?"

"Yes," he said again and started moving the flashlights beam around on the ceiling and making lightsabre noises.

He brought the light under his child and looked at her.

"Very scary," she told him. He leaned it towards her and she squinted. "Noah, don't shine it in my eyes."

He moved the light. "You're supposed to tell ghost stories in the dark with the flashlight, Mom," he told her very matter-of-factly.

"Who says?"

"Kyle," he said of Tom's youngest – only a year older than Noah. "He said when they go camping they get flashlights and tell ghost stories and make a fire and roast marshmallows and catch frogs and they get to sleep on the ground in a sleeping bag and tent. They had the tent set up in the backyard and it was so cool. It was like a fort but you get to sleep over in it for real."

She snorted out a laugh. Camping wasn't her definition of a good time – but she could understand how it would sound like a great adventure to a six-year-old boy. Will had been bugging to go out one weekend with his family. Or rather, Ted had been bugging Will into bugging her about them all having some sort of McTeague weekend of wilderness torture. She was hoping that Noah wouldn't catch wind of the possibility. Now that he had, she was pretty sure she'd end up having to agree to it. Not yet, though, she wanted him to get a few more weeks back into his treatment protocol before she had him out in the woods – even if the woods was a public RV campground that had a pool, arcade room, cable TV hook-ups and wireless internet on Long Island.

He waved the flashlight at the ceiling some more. "Tell a ghost story, Mom."

She thought about it. "You're scared of the storm, but you want a ghost story? You don't many any sense Noah."

"I'm not scared. It's just loud," he protested.

She didn't think it was that loud anymore. She could still hear the rain coming down – and there was a bit of thunder in the distance. But it was quieter and farther away now – and its rolls were longer and longer apart.

"I don't know any ghost stories, Noah."

He huffed.

"Here," she said to him and took the flashlight from him and shoved it between them, pointing up. "I know shadow puppets."

She made a rabbit and a butterfly for him on the ceiling. He giggled with some delight and tried to make his own. His mostly was a monster attacking and eating her rabbit, though.

She made some silly, dying sounds for him as he chomped on her hands and then let them fall down out of the light.

"Time to try to sleep," she told him, switching off the flashlight.

"Mom," he whined.

"It's late, sweets. Mommy needs to work in the morning and you have school."

"Don't go," he said.

She shook her head. "I'll stay here until you fall back asleep," she assured him and pulled the blankets more firmly up around his neck.

But he messed them up again, squirming over to her and giving her a sloppy little kiss on her cheekbone. "Night, Mommy."

She gave him a smile and pecked his lips. "Good night, sweetheart."

He rolled over on to his side, his back to her and she closed her eyes too. She half-ways suspected it'd be her that would fall asleep first.


	122. Chapter 122

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She looked up from the sink as Will barged into the bathroom. She'd had the door closed – not locked – but closed. He was lucky she had her mouth full of toothpaste – or else she likely would've bit his head off.

She'd been a little excited about there being an en suite bathroom upstairs with the master bedroom when they moved into the house. After five years of having to share a bathroom with Noah and having to throw bath toys out of the tub every morning so she could take a shower and stepping around dribbles of her little boy completely lacking any sort of aim – she thought it was going to be fantastic to get her own space again. To have toothpaste tubes that weren't decorated with Spiderman and shampoo bottles that aren't shaped like fish. To have towels that weren't left in damp balls on the floor. To have space to spread out her toiletries and makeup. She hadn't considered in her excitement that she'd be sharing the space with Will.

She'd never really had to share a bathroom with a man before – at least not over the long term. She'd quickly decided that sharing the room with Will wasn't much of an improvement over sharing it with a five-year-old boy. He never wiped down the counter, sink or mirror after he'd finished splattering toothpaste, spit, shaving cream and stubble all over everything. She had Noah better trained about putting down the seat than him. He didn't under the concept of each of them having their own towel – even if they were matching colours. He'd just use whichever and she'd go in after to find hers damp and smelling of man. And, he was always moving her things – or worse, using them. There'd been multiple times where he'd used the last of her shampoo – because his had apparently been empty for weeks but rather than toss the empty bottle and put it on the list on the fridge to pick up that week, he just started using hers. He wouldn't even own up to it – even when she started noticing he smelled like the shampoo and his hair was softer and shinier than usual. It wasn't until it was just empty – that he'd be 'Oh, yeah, we both need shampoo. We should pick that up this week.' Only then it wouldn't be on their usual weekend pharmacy run – it'd be a middle of the week, that-night pharmacy run. It drove her a little wonky.

But what really pissed her off is that in their master bedroom bath, a closed door didn't seem to mean anything to him. If she forgot to lock the door, he'd just traipse right in and if she did lock the door, he'd stand out there rattling at the knob like it was broken and asking why it was locked.

"Because I'm using the bathroom, Will," she'd told him more than once.

"Well what are you doing in there?" He'd sometimes ask – like it mattered.

"I'm using the bathroom. Go use the one downstairs," she'd groan at him.

Taking a bath, taking a shower, doing her make up, using the toilet, brushing her teeth. In his mind about the only reason to lock the bathroom door would be if she was on the john taking a crap – and even then, he seemed to think that was being a little overly prudish about privacy in the can. She'd always heard some mothers claim that the bathroom was the only space in the house they got privacy. That really wasn't her reality – and it sure didn't seem to be wholly at the fault of her child.

Will really didn't seem to care if she walked in on him in the bathroom at all – to the point that he'd often just leave the door completely open. More than once she'd gotten to the top of the stairs to find him standing over the john taking a piss. But even that didn't bother her quite as much as when he decided he couldn't go downstairs while she was using the shower – instead, if he needed to urinate, he'd waltz right in and go about his business. He didn't see what the big deal was.

"You've gotten the curtain there. The water is going. You can't hear or see anything," he'd told her when she'd indicated to him that she'd REALLY appreciate if he could use the bathroom on the main floor when she was trying to shower and go about the rest of her morning routine.

"Will – I'd just like some privacy. I don't need to see you urinating." She'd get so exasperated with him.

He'd shrugged. "It's nothing you haven't seen before. It's just peeing."

She'd groan. "I don't need to see that. Please. Just let me have some of my own private, quiet time in the fucking bathroom. Fifteen, twenty minutes a day – that's all I'm asking."

Some times she just thought she was surrounded by way too much testosterone. Work. Home. It was all just men. Boys really. She needed some more estrogen in her life or the family to balance it out, she thought. But then she'd get stuck working on a case with moody teenaged girls or hear Elliot talking about his latest trials and tribulations of having daughters or she'd just remember what bitches and mean girls that she'd dealt with in high school – and she'd tell herself that it was likely a good thing she didn't have a girl. There's so much room for hurt and victimization or just plain moodiness, she told herself.

Boys were easier, she told herself. That's what everyone claims, right? She wasn't sure how much easier Noah was. But she'd decided boys were fun. She liked playing with Noah and his Lego. She liked running around the park with him and his soccer ball. She liked all the things she was getting to learn about and do that she would've never really imagined doing before – Batman, Star Wars, extensive knowledge of dinosaurs, fart jokes, digging to the centre of the Earth in the sandbox, pushing him to the moon on the swings, examining insects in the park with an absurd fascination, racing Hot Wheels around all the furniture in the house and doing crafts and little projects that were as sticky, gross and mucky as possible. It brought her a stupid amount of happiness getting to play and learn and grow with her little boy.

Will held up two ties in front of her. "Which one?" He demanded in a hurried voice.

She gazed at him and finished brushing her teeth – spitting out the remnants and then filling the cup to rinse out her mouth.

"That couldn't have waited until I came out?" She sighed at him as she finished.

He looked at her. "The shower stopped like 10 minutes ago," he said.

She rolled her eyes at him and pushed by to get back into the bedroom so she could get dressed. He followed after her – still holding out the ties.

"Which one?" He asked again.

She glanced at him again from where she was pulling her undergarments and socks from their shared dressed. They weren't even his usual ties. His usual ties had things like Barrel of Monkeys, atoms and the solar system on them. The couple she'd thought were more normal ties, he'd pointed out was actually patterned with the power-button symbol from a computer; another he claimed repeatedly said 'ties suck' in Morse code dashes. Then there was the one that she'd told him she liked the colour on him and he'd smiled and shown her a little Star Trek insignia near the bottom. And, it was really moments like that she wondered what the hell she was doing with the man. But what he was holding up in front of her appeared to be just plain ties – one was even one she'd bought for him a couple years ago in an attempt to get him to try to have something a little more professional for one of his conferences that was going to be heavily attended by financial and Wall Street types.

"You're going to wear a tie today?" She made a bit of a face at him, as she started to get dressed – sort of wishing it was another moment that she'd give her about five minutes of privacy for. It was clear that wasn't going to happen that morning, though, so she didn't even bother suggesting that he give her a bit of space and stop hovering so close to her.

Will's attire always took a turn for the worse in the summer. The lack of lectures and the long hours he spent in the labs meant he really didn't seem to care what he was wearing most of the time. Even though he was teaching the one course that summer – he still didn't seem to care how he was appearing in front of the kids. He'd even headed into work in shorts – which she kind of felt crossed the line of professionalism and took casual attire to basically slumming it, especially given his visible tattoos on his calves. But she'd tried to tell herself that it was his job, his life, his business – and at least it meant less laundry to do and less crap to drag over to the dry cleaners.

He sighed at her. "I've got that funding meeting today," he said. "I really want a piece of the DeBois funds."

Will hadn't managed to secure as much in research grants as he wanted for the year. It was enough to keep his research going but not the way he wanted. He really wanted some sort of super computer for some heavy-duty data crunching. The university didn't have it earmarked in their own budget – so he was hoping to get some of the department's funding distribution to be able to secure it. He also wanted money to be able to put in a requisition to hire a couple of grad students to work as number crunchers for him in the lab. If he didn't get the money – he felt like his current project was going to suffer or he'd be plugging away on it for much longer than he'd hoped to.

"And you think wearing a tie to the meeting is going to be the deciding factor," she teased him, as she started to button her blouse.

"I just want to look professional, Liv."

"Well, what shirt are you wearing?" She asked him. He was following around after her in black dress pants but bare-chested.

He shrugged. "I don't know. Whatever," he said.

She shook her head at him and went over to his closet. She shuffled through his dress shirts until she found one that was vaguely appropriate for summer and this kind of meeting. He didn't have a tonne of choice. She handed it to him.

"The green tie," she told him as he started to put on the shirt.

She looked back to his closet and pulled the hangers around some more until she found what she was looking for.

"And, these pants," she told him, tossing them onto the bed behind him.

He gave her a look. "What's wrong with these pants?" he asked, glancing down at himself.

She shook her head and nodded towards the ones she'd picked. "Do the slate."

He sighed and kept changing – so she went back over to her side of the room and finished doing the same – before looking back at him. He had moved over to the mirror and was fumbling around with his tie.

She sighed and went over to him. "How do you not know how to tie a tie at 40?" She said and took over for him.

"I'm not 40 yet," he said, "and maybe I just like you doing it for me."

She raised her eyebrow at him. But he was busy watching her hands make the practiced movements that should've been ingrained in his mind – not hers. She patted the knot for him as she finished.

"There," she gave him a smile. "Are you going to wear a jacket to the meeting?"

He shrugged. "Should I?"

She shook her head. "It's summer. It's casual. Look up your sleeves – look like you're a real go-getter."

He snorted but started to do what she'd told him. She again stopped him as he basically moved to just shove him about his elbows and she neatly folded and rolled them up into bunched little rectangles for him.

She looked him up and down when she was done. "You clean up nice, Will," she told him. "You should try the look more often."

He laughed. "You like it?"

"Any time I get to see you in something that isn't a tshirt is a special moment," she joked with him.

"Fuckable?"

She shook her head at him but gave him a small smirk. "Don't get ideas. I'm going downstairs."

"Tonight then?" He called after her.

She hadn't responded and had left him to finish getting ready on his own. But then as she reached the bottom of the stairs, she'd called back up. "Maybe. If I get a nice dinner and someone isn't Chief Thundercloud tonight."

"Do I have to still be in this outfit?" got called down to her.

She laughed. "Might help your chances too."


	123. Chapter 123

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She watched Noah and the little girl, that she supposed was technically Will's niece, hop on one foot from each cobblestone along the side of the Memorial – seeing who could get the most number of landed hops in before having to put down their held up foot. Then they'd run back to where they'd started and try again. The little girl seemed to be beating her son badly at the moment – and she knew Noah wouldn't tolerate that. He'd keep trying until he got the best of her. At least they were entertaining themselves – and she could stand back in the shade of some of the trees.

She'd taken Noah and wandered over to the section that had names of first responders on it. She'd left Will alone with Tessa's mother and her sister – so they could talk and reflect and mourn in their own way and without the distractions of a little boy who had been asking a lot of questions – and not completely appreciating where he was.

She was actually almost thankful that Noah was too young to have even been alive during 9/11 and the terror it'd caused in the city – how the world seemed to stop that day, and the isolated reality that had been built up around the country just shattered. Though, she wasn't sure how she felt about him growing up in a post-9/11 world. She wasn't sure it felt like as safe of place – even if that safety had all really just been an illusion before anyways. She knew, though, the world was never really a safe place. It wasn't just war or government or politics or religion or terrorists that made the world a scary place. Average, every day human beings were just as capable of creating as much terror and suffering. She saw just as many atrocities happen all the time – that were just as painful and devastating to the families or those victims as Sept. 11th had been to the country and all those families in that single shared moment.

Meghan's husband had seemed to do the same thing – leaving them alone. But he'd taken the opposite route that her and Noah had gone. She supposed he likely was giving them some space too. But he'd managed to walk around the entire pool of the South Tower and they'd met up with where her and Noah had been looking at the names. He'd still stood back for a while – playing a bit with their other little toddler daughter. He wandered closer to her now, though.

"Hey," he gave her a small smile.

She gave him a nod.

"Kids are cute together," he commented, nodding towards where Noah and Stella were still playing. "How old's your boy?"

"Six," she said.

He gave her another smile. "Stella too – and Cheryl here is two."

She gave a smile and a small wave to the little girl who was hiding a bit behind her daddy's leg.

"Do you know how far it is to the restaurant we're going to for lunch?" He asked.

Tessa's mother wanted to go to the restaurant in Little Italy that her daughter had been supposed to go to for dinner with Will's parents on the day she died. Olivia sort of understood the choice but also thought it was strange. She thought it might be hard for Will – but he'd agreed that they'd go with them for lunch. They wouldn't be spending the rest of the afternoon with them, though. She was vaguely thankful for that. There hadn't been a lot of talking yet. But the whole thing just felt a little awkward and strange – and she could feel Will struggling. That hurt her.

"Ah, we're about a mile away," she said. "It's north of here. I don't know if the plan is to walk, cab it or take the Metro."

Chad nodded – and then stood quietly watching their two kids for a while too.

"Did you know people who died that day?" He asked. "Seemed like you were looking for names."

She glanced at him. "Ah, yeah, I'm NYPD. I had colleagues who died."

"Oh," he said. "I'm sorry for your loss."

She nodded. "Sorry for your loss too." She figured that was what she was supposed to say.

"Oh, I didn't know Tessa either – or Will," he said. "Didn't even know Meg then."

She looked at him – not sure what to say to that.

"You know – just here for support," he offered. "It's a little strange to be here. Overwhelming in a way, isn't it?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Think it's better being here with the kids," he said. "Life goes on. It's nice to see them play – like happiness in a sad spot."

She allowed another little nod. She didn't much feel like making small talk.

"Must see a lot of things being a cop in a city like this," he said, clearly needing to talk and not be left to his own private thoughts and reflection. "It as bad as all the TV shows make it out to be?"

She snorted a little at that. "I wouldn't know. I don't watch any of the crime dramas. Dealing with it in real life is enough for me."

"The city isn't as frightening as I expected it to be so far," he said. "Not quite as rude and pushy – or dirty. Doesn't smell great, though."

"The city never smells good in July," she said. "Heat, humidity, pollution, rotting garbage, millions of sweaty people."

"It is hot, that's for sure. I wouldn't want to live here," Chad said. "Have you lived here long?"

She had turned her eyes back to watching Noah. She was actually thinking about adding a new layer of sunscreen to him and getting him to drink some water. It was hot. She also thought he could use another squirt of hand sanitizer. He'd been touching a lot of stuff. They'd gotten to come in on 9/11 family passes and at a specially designated time for family of the victims. But with it being the July 4th weekend, there were still a lot of people around and taking the holiday to pay their respects.

"Umm, my whole life," she said.

"Wow," he offered at that, like it was some sort of unbelievable statement. She guessed if she grew up in small town Minnesota, the concept of spending your entire life with high-rises and concrete would be a little mind-boggling compared to lakes and trees.

"You known Will long then? Seven, eight years? When he moved back here?"

She thought about it. "I think he moved back about seven years ago, yeah. We've known each other about four years."

"Oh, so he's not your son's father, then? I thought I heard him calling Will daddy."

She looked at the guy – being sure that she conveyed in her eyes that it really wasn't any of his business. She was starting to think Chad had been sent on some sort of fact-finding mission.

"He's not Noah's biological father, no. But we are a family."

Chad just nodded. "Cute kid," he offered, seemingly as an apology. She didn't respond and went back to standing in silence with her arms crossed over her chest.

He sighed in the following extended silence. "I'm sorry. Meg really didn't tell me anything about you guys other than that we were meeting up with Tessa's husband and his family."

She shrugged. "I didn't get told much about any of you either," she said. She thought the difference was that she wasn't playing 20 questions and prying into their lives.

"Ah, so what's good stuff to do with the kids in the city for the rest of the weekend?"

She glanced at him again. "I don't know. Natural History Museum is usually a hit – at least with Noah. Intrepid Museum. The Met. Central Park. Riverside Park. Any of the zoos. One of the children's museums. There's FAO Schwarz and the big Toys R Us in Times Square. Coney Island. Southside Seaport. I guess it depends on what your family likes doing."

"I think Meg and Shirley want to go see one of the Broadway shows. Any of them good for kids?"

She looked at the little girl toddling around in circles at his feet – dragging his one hand as far it would go in each direction.

"We haven't done much Broadway with Noah yet. He's just kind of getting to the age that it's worth the money. We did Spiderman on his birthday. He really liked it. Lion King and Mary Poppins are supposed to be pretty good and kid-friendly. But they're popular and I don't know how much luck you'll have getting last minute tickets on a holiday weekend."

He looked at her. "Oh, we'd been told by friends that there's some sort of half-off ticket booth in Times Square where you just go on the same day and can get whatever you want."

"Not exactly. It's whatever seats the theatres are trying to sell off. There won't be as many seats needing to be filled on a holiday weekend – and the tickets aren't necessarily half-off either. It really depends."

"But we could get Lion King or Mary Poppins there?"

"I doubt it. Those ones sell-out nearly nightly – weeks ahead of time. We got Spiderman there, though. Thirty-five per cent off, I think."

"Oh," he said, sounding a little deflated about that.

She thought some times tourists just weren't realistic – and really hadn't done their research. Though she allowed that the purpose of their trip wasn't really to see a show. She was going to suggest he just save his money when their one daughter was just two – or to give the women a night to themselves. But Will appeared in her line of sight and she started watching him instead. He was walking towards her quickly – Tessa's mother and sister weren't with him. Even from where he was, she could see his face was flushed. She took a couple steps towards him, moving away from Chad – and Will had quicken his pace to close the gap, nearly at a jog. He'd grabbed her hand and pulled her to follow him. They walked some distance away from Chad and the kids before he stopped and pulled her to him tightly. She felt him let out a sob and shake a bit against her. She brought her hands up and rubbed his back – before putting her hand into his hair and stroking the back of his head for him.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

"No," he told her in a strained voice.

She glanced beyond them and saw a free bench a little bit farther away. She wanted to get back out of the sun and also to be able to keep an eye on Noah while she comforted him.

She rubbed his bicep and then pulled away from him a bit. "Com'on, let's go sit down for a few minutes," she said, nodding towards the bench behind him.

He let her guide him by the hand over, though she saw him batting away some tears with his free hand as they went. He diverted his eyes as they sat down – but she turned his face back towards her and wiped some of the remaining tears away for him, in a similar motion as she did for her son. She didn't want him to be embarrassed about shedding tears in front of her.

"You're allowed to cry, Will," she told him. "This is hard. It's sad for me too – and your loss is much greater than mine."

He shook his head. "I was standing over there, Liv, and … I only knew her three years. We were only married not even three months. What did I even know about her? I shouldn't be here."

"Will, you are allowed to be here. You knew you loved her – and that you wanted to make a life with her. You just didn't get the chance. That was robbed from you."

He shook his head again and tears started again. "No. I was standing over there, Liv, and … I kept trying to think about what I had and what I lost. But I just kept thinking about what I have instead. I like my life now. I love you. I can't imagine my life without you. I'm supposed to be here mourning Tessa – and I'm over there with her family and … I'm … not feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling."

She looked at him. On some level she found it extremely comforting that he was focused on their family now – rather than ghosts from his past. But it also made her fell a little guilt and horrible for him. She could see it was hurting him – and confusing him.

"Will, there's no right or wrong to what you can be feeling here. Lots of people would feel and think all sorts of things. It just means you've already mourned, Will. You've moved on. You can still honour her memory." She rubbed his bicep again.

"I'm sorry," he said and another sob shook his body.

"What are you apologizing for?" She asked. "Will, you don't have anything to be sorry about."

"I shouldn't have made you come."

"You didn't make me do anything, sweetheart. I wanted to be here with you."

"I've known you longer. I love you differently. It's more real. It's …"

"Will, you were young. You've grown a lot. You were a different person then. You're an older man now – you've had lots of different experiences, including the loss of your wife, that have shaped you since then. It's normal to feel things differently now. You don't have to feel guilty about that."

"You don't understand …"

She put her hand on his cheek to quiet him.

"Will, I may never be able to completely understand your loss. But I do understand. I love you too, Will. More than – and differently than – I've ever loved anyone too. You are the longest relationship I've had too. That doesn't mean my past relationships or past loves were wrong – they were just different. I'm a different person now – just like you are."

He put his elbows on his knees and put his face into his hands – so she rubbed his back.

"Will, you don't have to feel guilty that we're in a relationship – that you've moved on. I'm sure Tessa would've wanted you to move on – to have a life and a family and to love again. She wouldn't have wanted you to spend your whole life sad and alone."

"I feel guilty that I like what I have now better than what I had then. I feel … like I'm glad she's gone … because if she wasn't than we wouldn't be together."

She sighed. "Will, you only feel that way because this is what you know. You don't know what you might've had. You might've been very happy too if things had happened differently. You can't beat yourself up over what-ifs and you can't feel guilty about the what-ares. I'm glad to have you in my life too. Thinking about if fate hadn't worked out the way it did and we didn't met – I don't know what my life would look like right now either. There's no point in thinking about it. We have to be happy about what we have. It's a happy thing. It's not something to feel bad about or guilty about."

"I love you," he said again, glancing at her with still watery eyes.

"Will, I love you too. Very much. I don't know what I'd do without you. This past year – it would've been hell. A bigger hell. You've made my life over the past four years – so much easier and so much happier than what it was. Please don't feel guilty about that."

He gave her a thin smile – and suddenly Noah smacked against her side. "Why's Daddy crying?" he asked.

She gave him a sad smile and cradled his head. "Daddy's upset because someone very special to him died here, Noah."

"When the airplanes flew into the buildings?" He asked.

She nodded. "Yes, sweets."

"And the buildings fell down?"

"Yes, Noah – and it's a little sad for Will."

Noah looked at Will. "Don't be sad, Daddy," he offered.

Will wiped at his eyes again. "I'm trying not to be, bud. Maybe a hug might help?"

Noah complied with the request and went over to Will instead of leaning against his mother's knees. Will pulled him up onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him – and Noah put his arms around his neck.

"You know, you're about my second favourite person in the whole world, Noah?" Will told him after holding onto him for several seconds.

Noah pulled away a bit and looked at him. "Who's the favouritest?"

Will snorted. "Mommy."

Noah looked at his mom. "She's my favouritest too. After Batman."

Olivia laughed and caressed her son's cheek. "I'm popular today," she said, making eye contact with Will and giving him a smile.

"Before I met you and Mommy, I kind of felt like the big holes here, Noah," he told the little boy, nodding at the reflecting pools. "Like something was missing on the inside like how the Towers are missing from the skyline now. But you and Mommy … you made me feel like …"

"Central Park," Noah suggested for him.

Will let out a small laugh and wiped at a couple more tears as Liv rubbed at his back. "Yeah, like Central Park. And your Mommy, she makes me feel like Yankees Stadium – during the World Series and the Yankees are up and about to win the trophy."

"What's the trophy?" Noah asked.

"Getting to be with you and Mom is the trophy," he told him.

"Can pizza be the trophy?"

Will laughed again. "Do you want pizza, sweetheart?"

A smile grew across Noah's face. "Yes!"

"Mmm," Will nodded. "Well, we are going to Little Italy for lunch – so I bet we can find you a pretty great slice."

"Mozzarella?" Noah asked excitedly.

"Lots and lots of mozzarella," he promised.

Liv rubbed his thigh. "We don't have to go for lunch, if you don't want to, Will," she told him. "You've paid your respects. They got to see you. We can make our apologies and go."

He shook his head. "We said we'd go. We'll go. I want them to know I'm OK and for them to see how amazing you and Noah are. You're right. Tessa would've wanted me to be happy, to move on. I think she'd be happy for me – and that she'd think my buddy here was hilarious."

Liv smiled. "Noah? Hilarious? I don't think so." She poked her son in the ribs. He squirmed and batted at her hand.

"Moooom," he whined.

Liv leaned over and gave Will a small kiss.

"Gross," Noah declared. So she kissed Will again and then placed one on Noah's cheek too, which he wiped away.

"You're a good man, Will," she told him.

He gave her a small nod. "I try to be."

"You're doing a good job. You have a lot to be proud of – nothing to be guilty about – and if they can't see that, they don't deserve to know the man you've grown into."


	124. Chapter 124

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She had thought he likely was going to want to make love that night. He'd been more physically affectionate than was normal for him – and had clearly been seeking some comfort and assurances that she was there. But he'd stilled now and seemed to have become lost in his own thoughts. She hoped he wasn't internalizing and torturing himself. He'd been holding her one hand up and seemingly measuring it against his – like the size difference was fascinating to him.

She moved her other hand from under her weight from laying on her side and looking at him – and she reached up and smoothed the mess of hair away from his forehead where it was sticking against the small glean of sweat from their previous activities and also from the humidity that hung in the air so badly that even their air conditioning hadn't fully knocked it out of the apartment – especially on their upper floor bedroom.

He needed a haircut. She kind of thought that maybe they should shave it down again for him for the summer. In the summer humidity – especially having just spent most of the day outside and him having gotten sweaty – it was especially clear that his dark dirty-blond mess of hair had a wave to it that was almost curls. She liked it – and she really only got to see any real sign of it in the summer. While they were on holidays in Florida – she'd loved how the salt-water, ocean air and hot sun had sent his head into a mess of curls. She had kept on touching it and playing with it in the bedroom – and it had driven him a little crazy. She knew he hated the waves in his locks and, really, with how disgustingly hot and muggy it had been so far this summer, it was looking more like a disaster most of the time than adorably baby-faced handsome on top of his head. Shaving it down might be the best answer.

She gave him a little smile and rested her forehead against his – and he dropped their hands and instead wrapped his upper arm around her waist and pressed a bit closer to her again.

"Let's get the hell out of Manhattan tomorrow," he said, finally breaking the silence that had been going on for about 20 minutes since he'd stopped kissing her and had lay there just gazing at her.

She trailed her hand down his back a bit and settled more against his chest – purposely tangling her legs a bit more with his. "OK. Did you want to go out to your parents?"

He snorted. "No. They'll still be cleaning up from the barbeque. If the barbeque has even ended yet."

She could just barely see the alarm clock beyond his shoulder. It was just after midnight – so she seriously doubted their Fourth of July bash was anywhere near over yet.

"We could go out to one of the beaches for the day?" She suggested. "Sandy Hook?"

"Rockaway?" he suggested. "You could see if Elliot and Kathy wanted to come – so Noah could play with Eli."

She gave him a little smile at the suggestion of the Queens park. "I'm not going to hang out in a bathing suit with my partner," she told him and rubbed his bicep. "I think they were spending the weekend at Kathy's mom's anyways."

"Mmm," Will just said.

She gave him another small kiss – and he momentarily deepened it again and again pulled her a bit closer to him. But he again broke away and gazed at her – as much as they could without going cross-eyed they were so close together. She was trying to let him direct what he wanted and needed that night – but, in all honesty, she wanted to make love to him. She felt like they both needed it. She was still trying to gauge where he was with that – though – and it didn't seem like it was at the top of his mind.

"Liv?" He asked quietly.

"Mmm, yea," she said, having become lost in her own thoughts – or maybe lust – for a moment.

"Can we go to City Hall?" He said even more quietly. "I know we've talked about it in terms of the court stuff – but can we just do it?"

She pulled her head back from him a bit – so she could actually focus on his face, through the indigo light that was bouncing in through the single window.

"What about your family?" She said.

He gave a small shrugged. "We could still do that – like another ceremony and the reception and all of it, later. Like we've been talking about. I just … if we're OK and you're ready … I just want this … now," he said softly and almost unsurely.

She gave him another small smile and squeezed his shoulder before her hand stilled against his chest. "Will, you've had a hard day, you might not be in the best state-of-mind to be making this decision tonight," she told him.

He made a sound and dropped his forehead to her shoulder. She could feel his warm breath against her – and almost flowing down her tank and against the top of her breast. She stroked the back of his head and played with his soft, short hair there.

"I've thought about it more than just today," he mumbled against her.

She rolled some of the strands of his hair between her fingers. "I know," she told him.

"We don't have to tell anyone," he said. "It can just be for us. It can be ours for a couple months."

She put her chin on his crown and thought about it – shifting her head to place a kiss there too.

"I want to make love tonight, Will," she said quietly instead of addressing his statement.

He stirred a bit against her and put his cheek against her shoulder instead – like he was really having to think about it. He was silent for a long time.

"Do you think we'll be different when we're married?" He asked finally.

She rubbed his back some more. "No, I don't. Not in the important ways."

"Married people all hate each other," he said. "Eventually."

She snorted. "I don't think that's quite how it works. I think they just annoy each other – a lot. We've got that down already."

"Then why not just go and make our mutual annoyance official?" He said, glancing up at her.

"I just don't want you to regret not getting to have your family involved," she said.

He put a kiss onto her shoulder. "I won't. We'll redo it for them later."

She sighed – but he found one of her favourite spots on her neck and placed a kiss there and a flick of his tongue and the sigh turned into a quick, breathy exhale instead. She reached her hands back to the back of his head again – while he started to maneuver around her upper chest and neck with his mouth.

"I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation if you keep doing that, Will," she told him.

He looked at her with a bit of a smirk and settled his cheek back against her shoulder – though his hand was now drawing little figure eights just above the waist of her sleep shorts – which were actually a pair of his boxers that night due to a laundry backlog that neither of them seemed overly motivated to resolve in the week's heat wave, that had seen them both crawling home and about dying.

She lifted his hand off of her. "That's not helping either," she told him.

He shot her another smile. "You said you wanted it," he replied.

She snorted. "Now I think we should finish this conversation first – then we can get to that."

"Mmm," he said – though not unkindly. "So finish it. Your move."

It was her move – and now it was her turn to draw circles on the back of his shoulder – and think about it.

"Why's a few months make a difference?" She finally asked.

He shifted and looked at her – deeply in the eyes. "Because you never know what's going to happen, Liv. You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. You never know how our lives are going to change. So why are we waiting? Why aren't we just … living now?"


	125. Chapter 125

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She came into Cragen's office without even asking permission and closed the door behind her. He gave her a questioning look from behind his desk.

"I need off this case," she told him.

He sighed. Elliot and Munch were both out at summer conferences. Elliot down in D.C. for an F.B.I. ViCAP briefing while Munch had been sent up to Montreal for some sort of international law enforcement convergence. He didn't have a lot of choice on how to assign his detectives.

Usually the humidity of the summer had people so laid up that their new caseload wasn't too bad. There'd still be some beach parties gone wrong and drunk teenagers and college kids taking advantage of girls, which they needed to follow up on. Sometimes there'd be allegations of abuse coming out of day camps or as kids got back from the weekly sleep-away camps. There'd also be the cases where the heat just caused people to kind of lose their minds – but most of those murders or assaults were pretty open-and-shut; they didn't involve a lot of detective work.

But most people so wanted to be left alone and not touch each other as New York worked through its annual mugginess that seemed to get worse and worse each year – and usually spurred John's rants about global warming and government cover-ups – that there really weren't as many sex crimes needing SVU's attention. They always go their crunch in the last week of August and the first weeks of September – as kids got home from interstate away camps and visits to extended family, as college kids got back into the city and went binge drinking, as the fraternity and sororities started their pledge week hazing, and as pervs who knew how the system worked and the distraction and backlog that was going on at that time of year would use the opportunity to strike. At the moment, though people could hardly stand the feel of their own skin in this weather – so even the pervs seemed to put a short hiatus on assaulting and sexually brutalizing their victims. Still – things would crop up in the summer – cases that hadn't necessarily occurred then but would finally get reported.

"Olivia, we're short on bodies right now. I need you on this case."

She shook her head. "You're taking me off this case – or I'm filing for leave."

He looked at her – and she crossed her arms.

"Olivia – right now – the best thing for you to do is to do your job," he told her. "These days they're only giving you so much rope – don't hang yourself."

"Then, so be it," she said.

For her to say that – he knew something was badly wrong. He wasn't entirely sure what. He'd sent her and Fin over to see Warner at the Medical Examiner's Office. Apparently a body had cropped up that they had reason to believe might've been another victim of their latest perp. If their case was moving from abuse into homicide, Cragen didn't want to waste any time on it – and it was unlike his detective to step away from a victim either.

He knew it wasn't an ideal case for her. The cases involving children are always hard – and he knew she'd struggled with them, and her anger towards the perps and sadness for the victims, even more since her son had been ill. But she was back to working – even if she did have the compassionate care contract still protecting her right to take time off to be with her child. She'd been back on a regular caseload for over six months. He wasn't lobbing her softballs anymore. He was treating her how he'd always treated her – and just like any other detective. He needed her on this case.

A teenaged boy had come forward alleging molestation. It was a man in his family's building who had fooled the young man into befriending him – and then had used it was a platform for abuse. That, in itself, didn't rile his detective up. But after they'd begun dealing with the perp, they learned he was a chemotherapy nurse at a private clinic in the city. They hadn't connected any of his growing list of victims to the clinic, though – they were all boys from his neighbourhood. Still, his carrer, understandably, struck a much more significant distaste into his detective. She had seemed to be holding it together, though. If anything, he thought it had given her a push to want to shut the case more quickly.

"You don't get to dictate your caseload, Olivia," he told her sternly, though trying to be sensitive to the situation.

She looked at the ceiling – and then brought her eyes back to him.

"It's not a homicide case," she said. "Do you know what Warner had to show us? A 12-year-old boy – with leukemia, who just died during a relapse. On autopsy – they found signs of abuse. Guess where his family was taking him for treatment? Guess who was his assigned nurse?"

He looked at her. It was starting to become clearer. But he still thought this should light a fire under her more – maybe? She shouldn't run from it.

"So go pick up the bastard so we can question him about this vic," he said.

She sighed. "Now we have to start looking at all the patients he was in contact with there."

He nodded. "You're right. So you and Fin get on it."

She shook her head. "No. I stood there – and I saw my son. I saw Noah – laying there on a slab with staples in his chest and his skin even paler and deader than it is now.

This bastard," she jabbed towards him with her finger, "he victimized a boy who was already a victim. A boy who was already going through a living hell – the most vulnerable of the vulnerable. A man who was supposed to be helping him, taking care of him – who his whole family was placing trust in – and he raped that boy. Repeatedly. There is evidence of repeated and sustained abuse. As that boy was dying – that man was doing this to him.

"I take my son in for his drips and his pulses. For all these appointments – physical exams, MRIs, blood work, medication adjustments. I have to place all this trust in doctors and nurses and lab technicians and image techs and social workers – and I see all these other families with these sick, little children – these kids who are fighting for their fucking lives in a way that most adults likely don't know how to. And then there's this little boy now – on a slab who was fighting even harder and too hurt and too afraid to tell anyone – and too sick for his parents to even notice something more was going on."

Cragen examined her. "Olivia, you can help this boy now – his family – by working this case and putting this guy away."

She shook her head. He saw her eyes start to look glassy.

"I have NEVER asked to be taken off a case before," she spat. "But I am telling you – I can't look at this with clear eyes and a clear head. Right now, I can't even process this. Right now, all I can think about is my little boy and how much fucking time I've put in here dealing with assholes like this when I should've been at home and with him making sure he is OK and that he isn't ANYWHERE near assholes like this. That he isn't more of a victim.

"I need off this case. I can't spend the next days – weeks – battling with the medical system to get access to the list of patients this guy has been assigned to. I can't sit here and spend hours upon hours talking to other sick children and asking them if they've been hurt more than they already hurt. Talking to survivours – who had to survive being raped too. I need to be at home with my son, Captain. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be working this. I should be with him."

He sighed and examined his desk. "Take the rest of the day – as personal time," he said after an extended silence. "You can call in tomorrow like it's one of your com-care days – but I want you on the phone with me too. We'll talk about it more after you've cleared your head – after you've spent some time with Noah.

"I'm not granting you leave, Olivia," he said, "and you aren't going to give the personnel decision board or the IAB reason to hurt your career over this bastard either."

She nodded from where she was still standing and examining the floor. She reached for the door knob. "Thank you, Captain," she said quietly and started to leave.

"I expect your call, Olivia," he said again as she started to exit, "by noon. Don't throw it all away over this perp. You owe yourself and Noah – and these victims – more than that. Just walking away makes you and Noah another set of his vics."


	126. Chapter 126

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He smiled at her as she came to the front of the small classroom that he was doing his summer lectures in. He'd noticed her come in not more than about ten minutes after he'd started the class. He'd given her a small smile and a questioning look – like he expected her to come to the front and tell him that there was some sort of emergency. But she'd just sat down at the back and let him continue. He'd still found it hard not to keep looking her way as he did talk – and feel a bit of performance anxiety with her in the room.

"You like the lesson?" He asked as she got up to him.

"Who knew probability could be so fascinating?" she teased back.

"Mmm," he nodded. "I usually mock the students who come into my lectures late, you know?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Good thing I'm not a student. I didn't realize they had you holed away in such a small room," she said.

He nodded. "Apparently there's a high probability that no one wants to spend their summer taking a probability course."

She gave him a little smile.

"What's up?" He said, working at gathering his things.

She put a brown paper bag on the lecture counter. "I brought you lunch."

Now, he gave her a wide grin and opened it. "What kind of sandwich?" He asked, pushing around the over-priced bottled drinks, chickpea salad and the couple pieces of fruit that surrounded the large foil-wrapped rectangle.

"Zucchini, moz, pesto, roasted tomato, basil. Multi-grain. Grilled."

He gave her another smile. He knew exactly where she'd gotten it – despite the unmarked bag. The ingredient list was a dead give away that she'd gone into one of his favourite sandwich joints only a few blocks from campus.

"I suppose the two of everything else means I'm supposed to share this sandwich, right?"

She shrugged. "I kind of hoped you might."

He just danced his eyes at her and then went back to putting the last of his things into his bag. "So what's really up?"

"I wanted to have lunch with you," she said.

He snorted. "Liv, when's the last time you came up here to have lunch with me?"

She rubbed her eyebrow. It'd been a while. With Noah being sick and her missing work – or taking a few hours here and there in the morning or the mid-afternoon to get him over for his labs or because he was particularly dragging ass in the morning or couldn't make it through the day at school, she basically felt a little guilty taking anything that resembled a lunch outside of the office anymore, unless it was with Elliot while they were out on a case anyways. Taking a long lunch to meet up with Will at NYU – or in Washington Square Park, their usual meeting spot – just hadn't really seemed like an option.

She sighed. "I think I might've fucked it up at work," she said. "I told Cragen I wanted off a case. I admitted that it hit too close to home – that I couldn't handle it, couldn't think straight about it."

Will tried to catch her downcast eyes – where she was watching her hand run across the countertop. "This the one you mentioned - with the chemo nurse that's the suspect?"

She nodded. "We found another victim today – we think. A boy who had leukemia – attended the clinic."

Will sighed audibly too and she finally look up to meet his eyes and gave him a thin, sad smile for him understanding.

"I have the rest of the day off," she said quietly, "and tomorrow. I don't know what happens after that. I'm not sure what I want to happen after that."

He examined her. She shoulders were slumped in almost a defeated way and her face was creased with a sadness and worry that he hated seeing in her.

"You want to go for a walk?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. I do."


	127. Chapter 127

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He unfolded the foil around the sandwich and took out half – before handing her the other one, still covered in the rest of the packaging. She took it – but just set it on the bench between them. She was still picking away at the little cup of chickpea salad.

She liked sitting on the bench in the park with him – with the shared lunch sitting between them. It felt a bit like before – before Noah was sick – when she'd often go up and spend some time with him on a slow day. It had just been a good way to get out of the office for a while – to regroup and refocus. It was nice to get the outside air and to chat about random daily-life things with him over a cup of soup or a shared sandwich – and he'd usually make her laugh. It made it easier to get through the day and to go back and look at the photos of crime scenes and to hear the results of rape kits and to take victim statements.

He wasn't trying to make her laugh that afternoon, though. He'd actually been pretty quiet on the walk over – likely because she had been too. Though, he'd brushed his hand against hers and when she hadn't moved it away – like she usually did, not wanting to show that sort of affection or be that couple-y in public – he'd gripped her hand in his, and she'd let him. She kind of needed the touch.

"So what are you going to do with the rest of the afternoon?" He asked between bites, finally breaking their silence.

She shrugged. "I guess I'll go up and pick up Noah from Kindercamp. Take him to the pool or something, if he's up to it."

He gave her a small smile. "He'll be excited to see you."

She returned the smile and gave a little nod. "Yeah," she said quietly.

He watched her – she was being so quiet. "I don't think you fucked up your job, Liv," he offered.

She shook her head and gave a little shrug. That morning she felt like she had no choice – that she had to get the hell out of the medical examiner's office, that she had to get the hell away from that dead body of that sick little boy, that she had to get the hell off the case, that she had to get home to Noah as quickly as humanly possible. But after she left Cragen's office and collected some of her things from her desk and started to walk down the street – she was already questioning if she was really over-reacting, if she was putting it on the line when she shouldn't be. She could help those families. If something like that happened to Noah – she'd want justice. But she told herself there was no way she'd ever let something like that happen to her son. It wouldn't matter how sick he was – she'd see the signs. She wouldn't leave him alone with people in the large hospital – even if they were supposed to be trusted medical professionals. She couldn't let something like that happen to him – she wouldn't. She should be with her son.

"It doesn't matter," she said. "I don't think … I don't think being on that case right now made sense for me."

She examined the ground a bit in front of her again.

"But you might still be on it when you go back?" Will asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know if I can be. I don't know if I can go back if I am. I need to … think about it. I think it might push me over the edge if I keep working it with where it's going to be heading now. I can't let that happen. I need to be there for Noah. It's more important."

He rubbed her arm – and she offered him a small smile for his efforts.

"Maybe you should go talk to that Dr. Ashley work-person?" He suggested.

She sighed. "Maybe. I don't know. That might put this too much on record."

"Your counselor?" He suggested instead.

She shrugged again. "Yeah, maybe her."

Will picked at the red grapes in the fruit cup she'd bought with the lunch. She was starting to get the impression that might be the only thing he intended to eat out of it – and she'd be stuck with the slimy chunks of melon.

"I'm glad you stopped," he told her quietly, after popping a couple grapes in his mouth. "I'm glad you knew … that it was too much for you right now and were able to take yourself out of the situation before it hurt you."

She sighed and looked at him. "Will … it already hurt me." She felt her eyes start to glass and blinked quickly and hard to try to force it to stop.

He put his hand on her knee and squeezed it.

"I'm glad you stopped before it hurt you more."

She nodded and looked back at the salad that she thought she wasn't ever going to finish – picking one chickpea out at a time. She really wasn't hungry anyways. She set it down on the bench.

"It was like I was seeing him," she said quietly. "I'm not even sure I heard anything Melinda said. I'm not even sure how I got back to the station. I just … keep seeing that little boy laying there – and thinking about what he went through. Only, it's not him I see laying there. I see Noah."

She shook her head. "I see Noah," she said again.


	128. Chapter 128

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah was smacking his still damp foot on the concrete off to the side of the pool as he slurped away at the blue-raspberry Freezee she'd bought for him. He seemed fascinated with watching his little footprints appear and quickly disappear on the hot cement. Though, she doubted he'd get many more tries at it. Each print was getting smaller and smaller as he quickly dried in the sun.

"Can I do more canon balls again, Mom?" he asked.

"Mmm," she nodded, between taking gulps of the bottle of water she'd picked up for herself. "Sure, sweets. After."

The pool was kind of busy. But the Lasker Pool in Central Park always was – especially in the dog days of summer. Still, she'd wanted to sit outside – get some sun, as hot as it was rather than being stuck indoors with the wafting and over-powering smell of chlorine at the pool near their place that they usually ended up at. She figured if she was going to be off work in the summer – she should at least use it to try to get a couple days to enjoy the summer while she got her head on straight.

She sometimes found it a little strange all the places in the city that she ended up visiting now – that she probably wouldn't have really considered going or even ever had gotten to, if she hadn't had Noah. She'd never come to Lasker before she had her soon – at least not as an adult. She recalled being there a couple times with friends as a child. But she liked getting out and experiencing the city in a different way – and through a child's eyes.

It actually made her feel a little sorry for her mother. Because she had been so busy hating her and drinking to the point of almost being able to forget she was there – she'd missed out on a lot of experiences, that she thought could've been really positive for them as a family. She understood that they weren't a family under the best circumstances – and that it was hard for her mother – but she also now really felt Serena had made herself even more of a victim by robbing herself of the opportunity to see the positives in having a child; to go out and do fun things together and to try to laugh and smile and be silly and create memories. Some days the fact that her mother had chosen that route made her sadder than her having never truly been able to move on and cope with the fall-out of being raped.

She loved the time she got to spend with her son. Even though she now very much appreciated the challenges of being a single mother – and just a mother. Even though there were days where it just all seemed like a little much – and she wasn't quite as sure how much she loved being a mother. It was the little moments they got to spend together – and watching him smile and giggle – especially when she got to be the source of it, that made it all worth it. She wouldn't trade those moments for anything. And, really, she knew it would be the little things – like the trips to Central Park or getting to play in the pool in the summer – the mundane and routine things for their family, that would eventually form the cannon of Noah's childhood when he looked back and remembered it. Or she hoped. She wanted him to have those happy memories. She liked getting to make them with him. She hoped there would be enough to overshadow everything else he was having to endure.

"Is my tongue blue yet?" Noah asked and stuck it out for her to examine – opening his mouth super wide.

She laughed – at how slobbery and blue he was and how determining that was such a priority for him. "Yes, sweets. It is."

"Do you think purple would make it purple?"

She nodded. "Likely."

"Maybe I should have purple too."

She gave him a smile. "Maybe next time you should ask for purple."

"When I'm done this one?" He suggested.

She shook her head. "I think one is enough for now, Noah. That's a big Freezee. It's going to be melted before you're even done."

"Then you drink it," he told her.

She nodded. "That's a good idea." She actually thought the concept of drinking the sugary, chemically, coloured water sounded less than appealing – but she wasn't six anymore.

"Why didn't Will come swimming?"

"Because Will is at work, sweets," she said.

"But you're done work," he said.

She smiled. "Mommy told you – I'm taking a couple days off work."

"For vacation?"

She nodded – and agreed to the half-sideways fib. "For vacation."

"What are we going to do on vacation?" He asked – pushing a chunk of the Freezee up so much that it fell out of the plastic sleeve and onto his leg. She grabbed at it before it created a sticky, melting trail all over him and tossed it off to the side to finish turning into a puddle.

"Well – you've got labs tomorrow, sweetheart, but after that, I don't know. We can do whatever you want. What do you want to do, Noah?"

"We could come here all day," he suggested.

She smiled. "All day? I don't know. That's a lot of sun."

"But it's fun," he offered.

She nodded. "It is. Maybe we can come back again in the afternoon for a couple hours – not all day."

"Why isn't Daddy taking vacation too?"

She shrugged and worked at brushing some of the tiny pebbles from the deck sticking to her legs away. They'd barely been out of the water 10 minutes and she was already basically dry and wanting to get back in for another cool down before working at convincing Noah it was time to head home.

"Daddy has work. Maybe he'll take a couple days of vacation with you later in the summer."

"Can we go to the zoo?" he suggested.

She smiled. "That sounds fun. We could do that."

"We could go to the museum too," he suggested again.

"We could do that too," she agreed.

"And a movie?"

"Wow. That's getting to be a lot to do in a day. We'll have to figure out how to spread it all out and what's the most fun, I think."

"What else do people do on summer vacation?" He asked.

"Hmm, I think they eat ice cream and hot dogs," she said.

"You're allowed to eat hot dogs?" He asked excitedly.

She nodded. "I'm pretty sure you're allowed to have a hot dog when you're on summer vacation – especially if Daddy can get us tickets to a Yankees game."

"Daddy's getting tickets to a Yankees game?" He asked even more excitedly.

"Daddy is getting tickets to a Yankees game."

His eyes went bigger. "For today?"

She shook her head. "For Saturday."

Her and Will had talked about it at lunch. It'd been easier to talk about that than what was bothering her - just to think about something else for a bit. Will had mentioned that the Red Sox were in town on the weekend – and he'd still like to see them play during the season. They'd both absent-mindedly pulled out their phones and started looking around at ticketing options – to the point that they stopped talking and listening to each other. But at least they were both doing the same thing and working towards the same objective.

They'd rather quickly discovered that with it being a last-minute purchase, they'd be paying an absurd price for seats that were up in the nose-bleeds with an obstructed view – or worse, standing room only. She couldn't imagine having Noah standing for that long, in general – let alone in the heat and surrounded by a rowdy crowd at that kind of rivalry game.

She'd remembered that the NYPD Benevolent Association had a ticketing program and had managed to get logged into the discounts site after some fiddling around of trying to remember her access codes. She'd thought it was a long shot at the time – figuring that cops would've likely snapped up tickets to the game about as quickly, if not faster, than the rest of the general public. But they'd been lucky to find there was a reasonable selection of seats still available for all three games. So she'd left Will with the login info and the responsibility of figuring out where they wanted to sit and putting it all on his credit card. Between Noah's day camp and her still waiting to get her latest medical insurance reimbursement cheque, hers was maxed out.

Will had started surfing around the site and discovered other discounts that he wanted to know why she never used – or hadn't even bothered to mention. But the reality was that most of the time, she forgot the site and even the association's programming existed. She probably would never access it at all if she hadn't spent so much time around Elliot – who seemed pretty versed in all their ins-and-outs. Though, he seemed much more interested in their offerings on things like cell-phone plans, car insurance and health club memberships that he'd apparently been able to get the girls on when they wanted to start going to a gym.

"Who are the playing, Mom?" Noah asked.

"Boston," she told him.

"Daddy won't know who to cheer for," he said. It was a joke that Will sometimes made when the two teams met – in his continued efforts to convince her they should join him on his trip to Boston and to convince Noah that it was a super cool city. The attempts had fallen pretty flat with both of them so far.

"Daddy knows that if he doesn't cheer for the right team, he gets to go and sit somewhere else," she assured her son.

Noah nodded. "With the Sucks."

She snorted back a laugh. He was definitely Will's son - or at least being corrupted by his family. Some days she wasn't sure which.

"With the Sucks," she agreed. "But don't say that on Saturday, sweets. You might get us beaten up."

"No, because we cheer for the right team," he told her with dead seriousness. "Those Damn Yankees."

"You sounds like Popa," she said. "And that is money in the swear jar."

Noah huffed.


	129. Chapter 129

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot had been pretty sure that he could hear music before the door had even opened. But now that Will had the door open and was leaning against it giving him a questioning look, it was clear that the stereo in the house was blasting at levels that they'd be lucky if they didn't get a sound disturbance citation. Their only saving grace was likely that it didn't sound like rock or heavy metal that they had shaking the walls.

"Hey," Will greeted with kind of a trepidation in his voice – like he only expected to see him on their doorstep if he was bearer of some sort of bad news. He supposed that was a sort of fair assumption. Beyond Noah's birthday party – this was the only time he'd been around to their new place. He generally hadn't ever made a habit of stopping in on his partner, unless he had good reason. Though she didn't usually think any of his reasons were very good and treated most of them as him being overbearing, over-protective and condescending. She liked to think she could take care of herself. He didn't question that – but everyone needs other people, even Olivia Benson.

"Liv around?" El asked.

Will didn't answer for a moment and looked like he was actually considering closing the door in his face – but then seemed to think better of it and motioned for him to come in.

He stood in the little front-hall alcove while Will shut the door and half expected that would be where he'd wait for Liv – and likely where he get to speak with her too before she pushed him out the door on no uncertain terms. But Will handed him a pump-container of hand sanitizer that was sitting on a little shelf inside the door. Will stood and watched him as he rubbed it into his hands. If he didn't know about Noah, he'd think it was a bit of a strange, hypochondriac ritual to go through to enter the house. After he finished Will nodded his head in an apparent further invitation to come into their house – so he followed him down the narrow little hallway to the living room. A smile spread across his face when he got in there – but he knew that Will was likely going to be in big shit for letting him come in, and probably didn't even realize it yet.

His partner had her back to him – and that was likely a good thing at the moment. Her son was pacing in happy bounces along the length of their couch seemingly pretending to have a microphone and lip-sync the lyrics blasting out of the room's sound system. Elliot caught some lyrics that said "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart". When the song reached that point, Noah had hopped so he was facing his mother and joined her in doing what was pretty clearly some practiced pointing movements between the two of them. Throughout it all Liv had her arms up in the air and the rest of her body and legs were going through some sort of swaying, dancing motions like she was somewhere between being a cheerleader or a groupie for her small son.

He still found it a little strange when he got glimpses of his tough-as-nails partner (at least that's what she wanted people to think) as a mother. Even with having gotten peaks at the mother she was over the past six years – he still found it always a little surprising and always interesting to get to see that side of her. He'd had years of hearing her talk about her son with both the pride and frustration of a parent. He watched the evolution of photos that appeared in the frames on her desk of her little boy growing up and her usually with him and smiling with the kind of happiness that you sometimes needed to be reminded existed when doing the jobs they did. He'd seen Noah on the times he'd breezed in-and-out of the precinct at the end of the day with various pick-ups and hand-offs between her and Will– or her sitter what seemed like years ago now. In those moments he always saw how her face would light up and her body language would soften as she greeted her little boy and kept him occupied for a few minutes as she wrapped up her work and gathered her things. He'd had the opportunity to get to know her son in bits and pieces over the years. But really there were only a handful of times that he'd had much interaction with her and her boy outside of work – at least since he was a newborn and he annoyed her with weekly visits. Still, it was the moments outside of work that were always the most telling about the kind of mother she was.

He had no doubt that she was stern with her boy. He'd even seen that – the little chastises she'd sometimes give Noah if he was fussing while waiting for her to finish work. The way she'd get down to his height when he was misbehaving and she was correcting him. She'd grab a hold both of his wrists – looking straight at him with these near deadly strict eyes – until he would meet them with his own. Noah's face would almost instantly fall when he did – an admission of his wrong-doing – and she'd talk to him these slow, hushed, purposeful tones, before releasing him. Though he'd often seen that as she dropped his wrists – she'd lean in and give the child a little kiss on the cheek.

But he also knew there was an enthusiasm she had about getting to be a mother. Likely the sort of enthusiasm you can really only have when you have an appreciation of the reality that not everyone gets to be a parent and for some people getting to have that child is really a journey and a gift that they weren't expecting to ever receive.

He always knew his partner would be a good mother. He'd watched for years and seen how good she was with the children that they had to deal with – how she was able to connect with him, play with them and sometimes even get little smiles from them when they were dealing with something staggeringly painful and difficult. He'd seen her empathy for victims and her dedication to doing what she felt was the right thing – even if it was unpopular; even if it was unpopular with him too.

It wasn't something they'd directly talked about – but he knew she had thought getting to be a mother just wasn't going to happen for her. She'd made clear to him that it wasn't a topic open for discussion between them after he'd gotten wind on a case that in-vitro might be something she'd consider – though God knows how she would've been able to really afford it. It really seemed like a moot point now with how much she was paying out for Noah's care and treatments. It about made in-vitro look like going out to buy a carton of eggs in comparison.

She'd later admitted to him she'd looked into adoption too. But they'd told her she wasn't parenting material – she was single, she didn't have a family support network, she worked all hours and too much. He'd told her they were wrong – but he'd gotten the impression she believed the adoption agency more than she believed him. He kind of thought that had likely been the nail in the coffin of her ever thinking she'd get to have a child to raise and love.

He knew that in more than one way Noah was her miracle baby. There was an unsaid acknowledgement that she hadn't exactly been purposely trying to get pregnant when she'd conceived. Then there was the emergency in her pregnancy that could've killed them both – and sent her into early delivery by c-section and the baby spending nearly two weeks in NICU. Now she was fighting tooth-and-nail for him to make sure he pulled through cancer – as much as that was in her control. It seemed like it was more of a never-ending waiting game – that in one quiet moment between them she'd already expressed it wouldn't ever really end. Even when her son finally finished his treatment, there'd be the possibility of a relapse or the emergence of the cancer elsewhere in his body. It was something that would be with them for life.

He knew that they were all at risk of developing cancer at some point in their lifetimes – but somehow knowing that you're now at a predisposition for it and knowing what would be entailed if you did have to go through it all again and knowing that your prognosis diminished each time it came back? That seemed like a grim sentence to place on a little boy, who should technically have a whole life ahead of him and a whole world waiting at his feet.

There were some days he didn't know how he'd handle dealing with the same situation as a father. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to take Eli in for what he thought was an extended cold and to find out he was so ill. He didn't even really want to think about it. But he'd watched as Olivia dealt with the entire situation as quietly and privately as possible – with the same amount of strength she did with anything else she'd had to endure in her life. He knew her well enough he didn't have to look too hard to see the pain, sadness and uncertainty that lurked under her tough exterior.

So, he knew, it was moments like this small one he was getting to witness for a few moments, were what were likely getting her by. It was the complete and utter willingness of a mother to practically humiliate herself for the smiles of her child. There was a silliness and a happiness radiating off her – even though he could only see her back at the moment. But it was just the energy that was coming off of her – the body language. She was relaxed and content – and her little boy was clearly feeling the same way. Noah's love and devotion to his mother had always been clear to him. He'd seen the way the little boy's eyes lit up around his mom like she was his whole world and the gap-toothed smile and giggles that she seemed to have an uncanny ability at eliciting from him.

But what he liked more seeing in those moments was that he'd instantly gotten the impression that this was normal for their house – for their family. Dancing ridiculously with music blasting clearly wasn't a one-time thing for them. That at home Olivia had found a place where she was able to let down her guard and be the silly, goofy, loving person that he knew she really was when she dropped the walls and the endless need to interject her opinions and tell-off glares and closed-off body language. He was glad to see she'd found a place and a way to be that softer person – and people to be able to be that with.

Will had gone over to the shelf behind them to turn down the volume. As the song faded to more reasonable levels – she turned around with a look of disgust about him apparently putting a damper on the level of their good times. But in the motion, she near instantly caught his eyes and her face went red, and she glanced down before tucking a piece of her disheveled hair behind her ear. He tried to hide his smile and near laugh, and gave a bit of a two-finger salute from his eyebrow.

Noah had spotted him too and jumped off the couch. "Is Eli here too?" he asked.

"Sorry, Big Man, just me today." He nodded at Liv. "Nice dance moves."

She was still barely looking at him – though Will was definitely getting glared at, like it was some sort of atrocity that she'd shown a more human side and like it was even worse that he'd been the one to see it. Like he hadn't already known it existed before.

"You got a minute?" he asked.

She nodded, but Noah protested with a whine of, "Mom." She just stroked his head without giving any sort of response. Elliot noticed that Noah's head was practically bald again. He hadn't seen the boy in a while and he found himself wondering if it was just a purposeful summer look or if something was going on with his treatment. He knew from some mentions Liv had given that Noah hadn't been dealing with being phased back onto his one drug very well and that every time the doctors seemed to increase it, they'd had to backtrack and decrease it, after her son's labs came back and showed his frail body continuing to struggle with it.

He followed her as she walked further into the small, narrow house. She nodded into the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?" she offered.

He shook his head, but she still went in and got herself a glass of water, before motioning him through the dining room and out the sliding door onto their little patio.

"The Captain send you?" she said in more of a statement than a question, as she pulled the door shut behind them.

But Elliot shook his head. "Nope, I'm here on my own. Just checking on you."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't need checking on, El," she told him.

He shrugged. "May have heard you were out a couple days last week – and you called in 'sick' today."

She crossed her arms. It was pretty clear she wasn't sick. "I'm waiting for a vacation request to get approved."

Elliot sighed. "You know it's next to impossible to get last-minute vacation time approved in the summer months, right?"

She shrugged.

"So you're just going to call in sick until it gets approved?"

She just glared at him.

"Liv, this isn't the way to go about this," he told her.

She rubbed her eyebrow. "Well, apparently I can't recluse myself from the case – so I'm short on options."

Elliot rubbed his forehead. "Liv, you know how you handle this decision is going to affect the rest of your career? You can't just call in sick. Everyone is seeing through it. Cragen is only going to play along so long."

She just shook her head.

"Is something going on with Noah?" he asked cautiously.

She shrugged.

He sighed. "He looked pretty good in there."

She snorted and looked up. "Looks can be pretty deceiving, El – and I'm kind of sick of people telling me how good he looks, like leukemia mustn't be a big deal anymore."

"Everyone is just trying to be positive, Liv – supportive."

She sighed. "You know – they send you through these eight months of living hell with this fucking disease and then they put the kid out on long-term maintenance and suddenly we're all supposed to just go back to our regular lives – work, school, activities, relationships. It's all these illusions. Trying to have him hold it together. Trying to hold it together myself. Trying to hold my relationship together. Trying to not fall into a financial hole that I don't know if and when we're ever really going to dig out of. But apparently we just aren't supposed to talk about that – we aren't supposed to share that with people. We're just supposed to be happier that we're LTM. This is the easy part of all this, right?

"He's still in fucking treatment, Elliot. This isn't regular, everyday life. Every day is this fucking balance of trying to keep him active and normal while also respecting his fatigue and his discomfort. But then it's drilled into you to keep him active – how much it can help – physically and emotionally. Get them to move, that's what they tell you. That it will help with his leg cramps, that a little sweat can help bring down his minor fevers, that the activity will keep his energy levels in check. So right now – maybe you see a little boy jumping around the living room. But what did I see all morning? A little boy crying in pain with leg cramps. What has my day looked like? Monitoring his temperature all day. Him clinging to me. Cleaning up nosebleeds. Getting him to stop clawing at his latest rash. Forcing him to drink and pee and drink and pee. Bribing him into eating him. Bribing him into taking his pills.

"That's what my days look like, El. That's what my mornings look like – and then I drag myself to work, get to do something like deal with some fucking chemotherapy nurse who has decided to make sick little children's lives a bigger hell, and then I come home and put on a happy face and try to make it better for him. Try to organize activities for him to feel normal. I try to make all of this normal. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't. Not right now. Not for this case."

It was about the most she'd ever said about Noah's health and the situation all at one time to him. He looked at her. He wasn't sure what to say next. He felt like the little speech he'd prepared for her – to try to convince her to get her ass back to work, that she could do more good for the families and the victims there then hiding at home. But it felt like that might be falling to the wayside.

"He's doing OK, though?" He asked. "I mean, no worse than usual." He kind of motioned to his hair.

She sighed again and looked down. She shoulders bobbed in a small shrugged and she just shook her head. "I don't know. Not yet. Energy-wise and attitude-wise – he seems about average. But his liver levels are creeping up again. Apparently that's contributing to his hair falling out again. They are still working at getting him back to his 100 per cent on his one med and his body just isn't doing it. So they've taken out some of his other medicine right now. They're trying to pinpoint if he has a 6-MP sensitivity but there isn't an indication of that according to the tests. So he might have some sort of genetic mutation so his threshold for the drug just isn't there. I don't know."

"So what does that mean?" he asked.

She shrugged again. "That we just keep plugging along for now. Monitor his temperature. Watch his symptoms. Listen to his complaints. Take him into the ER when we need to. Let the doctors do their work. Try to be patient. Pray."

"And you don't feel you can be a work during this part of his treatment?"

She sighed louder and crossed her arms tighter. "I've put so much effort into making sure I didn't let down the job or the victims during all of this, El. There's the obvious reasons – income, insurance – but I thought I'd be letting down myself, that I couldn't walk away from the job. But I have been letting down myself, El. I've been letting down my son. I should've been here more during all of this. For him. Those little boy's parents didn't even realize he was being abused …"

"Liv, you'd know if your son was being abused," he told her seriously.

She shook her head. "You get so wrapped up in the cancer. The cancer, the cancer, the cancer. Leukemia, leukemia, leukemia. Some times that's all you're seeing. That's the only place your mind is at."

"You're a good mom, Liv," he assured her. "You've been handling all of this really well. Everyone respects you for it."

She sighed. "I should've been home more this year."

"You've been there when you needed to be," he told her. "You've taken the time. You've been there with him every step of the way."

She shook her head. "Not enough."

"Liv, don't you think you could be helping those families? That you're in one of the best positions to be able to relate to them? For when we have those kids in for interviews and statements? You know what they've been through. You'll know how to relate to them. Maybe you'll be able to help draw some of it out of them – so we can really nail this guy to the wall."

"El, we've got enough to nail him to the wall."

"Not from the clinic patients – not those cases. You don't want justice for those kids that haven't come forward yet? The ones we know are there?"

"El, it's not just about them, right now. It's about my son too. It's about me. I can't do something that is going to hurt my ability to be there for Noah. This one is hitting too close to home."

He rubbed his forehead again. "We all get some cases like this in our careers, Liv. The ones that hit home more than the rest. I don't think you should be running from it. You should be using it, channeling it."

She rubbed her eyebrow. "I don't know if I can on this one, El. Right now – I just feel like I need to be home. I just want some time with my son."

He sighed. "What's Will got to say about this?"

"If I ever asked you what Kathy had to say about your work-related decisions – you would act like she didn't have an opinion, or that it didn't matter. It's your job. But Will gets a say in my decisions about my career, because he's the guy, right?"

Elliot didn't like the comment – but he was giving her more leeway than he normally might. "Kathy does have an opinion – and I'm doing my best to listen and hear it more. And, I only asked what Will thought – because you seem to do a better job at having learned early to respect your partner's decision than I did."

Liv looked down again. "I don't know. El, some days are hard. I just don't want to put myself in a position that … gives me an excuse. Will doesn't want me to do that either. It's not worth it."

"You can't risk losing your job, Liv," he said. "Your benefits, your pension. This isn't just about Cragen. You've got other eyes on your right now."

She shrugged. "I don't know what to do, El."

Noah slid the door open – and wrapped his arms around his mom's waist. "Daddy says not to bug you but he wants to know if you're staying for dinner Uncle Elliot? Because he says dinner is in TEN minutes."

Liv snorted at how he exemplified the number – and ran her hand over his bald head, as her son looked up at her with big eyes. "Daddy and his countdowns," she said quietly.

El gave the kid a smile. "Nah, you can tell him I've got to get home to Kathy and Eli for my dinner."

"You can stay if you want," she offered. "Might as well eat something warm when you're already going to be getting something microwaved for being late."

He shook his head. "Thanks for the offer, though."

She nodded. "Three plates," she told Noah, who let go of her and trotted back inside the door and looked like he had to muster all his strength to get it pulled back across. She ended up stepping over and helping him from the outside to get it shut.

"I think you should at least call in and talk to Cragen," Elliot said.

She shrugged at the suggestion.

"Liv, you calling in sick is going to just attract more attention. Maybe Cragen will agree to letting you have a few more personal days. Explain to him about where Noah's at right now – go get a letter from his doctor, if you have to – and maybe there's a way you can take a few days on your com-care plan?"

She sighed. "Next week is his pulse and drips. I'll be taking com-care then."

"You still have to get to then – if you really are going to hide away like this."

"El," she snapped. "This isn't hiding."

"Liv," he said slowly again. "I know you think you can't handle it. I know you're in a better position to judge what you can and can't handle right now than I am. But I've seen you deal with cases a lot messier than this. I've seen you deal with other ones that have hit close to home. I think you can do it. I wouldn't say that to you, if I didn't believe it. I don't want to see you get hurt – especially at the risk of Noah getting hurt. But I also know that you have a lot to give to this case. You are going to be in the best position to get some of these kids to open up.

"I know it's not going to be easy – it never is with kids. I know it will be harder for you and that you're going to be thinking about Noah. Tell the kids that, Liv. Come back to work, do your job, help these kids. You know better than anyone else that they've already experienced more than they deserve to have endured in their lives – don't let them stay victims."

"Noah needs me," she said.

He nodded. "I know. So call Cragen. Figure out what's best for you right now. Maybe you can come in half-days for a while? You'll have some time off next week."

"It's not exactly time off when he's has to go in for his treatment, El."

He sighed. "You know I didn't mean it that way. Look, Liv. Cragen has your back. We all do. You're still here. Don't give them reason to force you out. Not now – after everything you've gone through and how you've fought to be here. All of us have put things on the line to make sure you're still here too. You'd be letting down more people than just yourself. And, I think you'd be letting down Noah … and Will, too, if you don't come back in and work this."

She examined the grounded.

"I'll watch out for you. You know Fin has your back on this too. He's been busting his ass to make sure as much of the initial legwork is done these last few days. He's told Cragen he can handle the case himself and for him to give you the space to breath. But we could really use your help with talking to the kids and the families. We'll pull you back if it's too much. We know you, Liv. I know you. I'll be able to see it."

She sighed. "I just don't trust myself on this one, El. I don't know if I can put my family on the line for this."

"You put your family on the line every day you go in, Liv. You might be feeling it more or differently on this one – but it's always there. It's part of the job. You know that. If you can't handle that anymore, maybe you should let them shuffle you back into Computer Crimes."

She glared at him.

"Don't let this define your career," he said again. "How you've been handling yourself during all of this – that's been defining you. We're really proud of you. We're proud to work with you. Don't let us down."


	130. Chapter 130

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"His palettes are low. He just bruises easily right now," Raymond Singh spat at them again.

Olivia brought up her hands again to try again to emphasize to the man the importance of them getting to talk to his son.

"Mr. Singh, it may not just be low palettes. Your oncologist was under an obligation to report any signs of abuse."

"We are not abusing our son," the man spat again, only louder.

Olivia sighed. "We aren't suggesting you are. But we do have reason to believe that your son may have been molested. You need to bring him down to the station so we can speak with him."

Singh shook his head. "Our family is going through enough. We aren't going to participate in your witch hunt."

Elliot jumped in. "This isn't a witch hunt. Detective Benson is in the unique …"

Singh shook his head harder. "You think I haven't heard about you people? That you're checking in on all the child patients from Temple Clinic? I've heard what you're up to. We will be no part of it."

He slammed the door in their faces.

Elliot looked at Liv. "Well, that went well."

"Elliot, these families are going through hell, they aren't just going to just invite us into adding this extra layer of stress into their lives. You know the guilt that parents who don't see the signs of abuse in their child experience? Triple it – if not more. This is devastating for families that are already devastated. Most of these families are going to be holding on by a thread and we're asking them to pile more weight onto it. We're threatening to break them. There's going to be resistance."

"So they'd rather bury their heads in the ground and let their kids deal with having been abused on their own?" He shook his head as they waited for the elevator to head back to the car.

"It's not that simple, Elliot. The toil cancer takes on a family is complex. The trust you have to place into health care professionals – the vulnerability you have to constantly expose while going through it. How you have to watch your child go through all that," she shook her head. "Wrapping their head around that someone they were placing trust into – trust about the health of their child into; telling them that one of those people who is supposed to be helping and healing their child could molesting and raping them – it's probably more than most of them can cope with."

"So they'd rather just let it keep going on?" He spat.

"No, but they'd likely rather their child not be poked and prodded by us more than they already are being by health care professionals."

"Poked and prodded is, right," Elliot said. "Their kid is dying and they'd rather he die with this?"

She sighed. "I'm just saying it would be hard to accept you aren't seeing the signs when you're so involved with the care for your child. It would be hard to think about your child having to endure that. You wouldn't want to think about it."

"Just because it's something that you don't want to think about, doesn't mean it's something that you should let keep happening," he said as they got in and started to travel to the ground floor.

"I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying that the emotions these families are experiencing is different than what our usual victims' families experience. Everything is amplified."

"It's ridiculous they'd let this guy get away with it," he said. "It's their kid."

She shook her head. "You don't understand … you can't. I hope you never have to."

He shot her an angry look.

She sighed. "Nevermind. How many more house-calls do we have?"

"One down, 26 more to go," he said, pulling a list out of his pocket to examine as they exited the elevator and started to make their way to the door and back to the sedan.

"And that's just current patients under 14?"

He nodded.

She sighed. "How many more do we actually have allegations from or abuse reports for?"

"Seven," he said.

She nodded. "Let's do them first. What's the closest address?"

"We've got another one about eight blocks from here."

"OK, there next."


	131. Chapter 131

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"He's been so moody lately," Georgina Ibori said, sitting on her couch and gazing into her cup of tea. "I just kept telling myself it's the steroids. It's the chemo. That he's just tired and angry."

"And that may be just it," Olivia said from her seat across from her. "But it's important that we talk to Jacob to hear it from him."

"You don't really think he's being abused do you?" the mother asked with sadness filling her voice.

"All we can say right now is that a report was submitted by one of your doctors – who is obligated to report any indications of abuse," she said again.

The woman rotated her cup in her hands. "I've heard at the clinic that the police are approaching a lot of the families there," she said.

Olivia nodded. "There is the possibility that we have a cluster of victims at the clinic, yes."

"Jacob's chemotherapy nurse – Craig De Luca – we've been told he's been temporarily relieved of his duties. Some of the other families you've been speaking with – Craig was their child's nurse too," she said.

"Ms. Ibori all we can tell you right now is that we have an active investigation. Right now, that is currently focusing on some of the families at the clinic being potential victims. We have a report of potential abuse against Jacob and it is important that you bring him down to the station for us to speak to," Elliot said.

"Is it the bruising? Because …"

"We know the bruising happens with low palettes, Ms. Ibori," Olivia said. "But a doctor who has experience dealing with cancer patients – they'd be able to tell the difference between bruising that may occur from regular bumps and activities and those that may be something else. They may be an unusual shape. They may be in unusual locations."

"Jacob is hardly ever alone, though," she said. "I'm always with him."

Olivia nodded. "We've seen the chemo bays at Temple," she said. "All the patients get their own rooms for treatment? Privacy?"

The mother nodded. "Yes. It's why we picked it."

Olivia nodded again and rubbed at her eyebrow. "Ms. Ibori, my little boy has leukemia – and I try to always be with him too. But he just turned six and this is so much a routine part of his life now – that some times he wants to show me what a big boy he is and how brave he is, and he wants to get his blood work done alone or he wants to go down the hall and be weighed on his own or they won't let me go into the MRI room with him. I can't imagine if he was 10 and trying to be an independent young man. I bet he wouldn't always want Mom with him, though."

Georgina gazed at her. "But it's just a drip. He's just watching movies in there, playing his PSP. I always check on him. He's never alone for more than a few minutes at a time – no longer than 20."

Olivia looked at her. "A few minutes can be enough."

She put her hand to her mouth. "Oh, my God, Jacob," she whispered.

"Ms. Ibori, it's very important that you and Jacob come down to the station with us now so we can speak with him. Either way, we need to follow up on the abuse report."

The mother just shook her head as tears started to fill her eyes. "I just kept telling myself it was just cancer, just chemo. But I could tell. I could tell something had changed."

"Ms. Ibori will you let us speak to Jacob? Will you come to the station with us?"


	132. Chapter 132

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She gave the boy a small smile as she entered the children's interview room. Left in the room, he'd already found the art supplies and had planted himself at the table in the corner – rather than taking up space on the couch or fiddling with the Nerf basketball net or any of the piles of stuffed animals or other dolls and blocks in there.

"Hi Jacob," she greeted. "My name's Olivia. I'm a detective here."

He glanced up at her. "When can I see my mom? I want to go home," he said with a touch of anger in his voice.

"Well, your mom is just down the hall. She's talking with Detective Stabler right now. But you'll both be able to go home soon."

"Good," he spat out, "because I didn't do anything – and neither did my mom."

She gave him a thin smile. "We didn't say you did, Jacob. But, we were hoping we could talk to you a bit about Temple Clinic."

He made brief eye contact with her but then looked back to whatever drawing he was working on.

She wandered over and looked over his shoulder. He was working on drawing his own mandala. He already had the circle and the beginning of intricate patterns that he was creating throughout it. She near instantly knew the boy had likely participated in art therapy and creating and colouring the circular designs had been taught to him as a coping mechanism and a meditation technique. Noah wasn't yet drawing his own – but he'd been exposed to them in his art therapy group as well. He loved sitting and trying to carefully fill in the complex patterns with his coloured pencils. She'd see his whole body language and breathing change as he did it. These days they were kept near the top of the pile in the colouring sheets they had at home and for his hospital trips.

"You're a talented artist, Jacob," she told him, as she took a seat across from him and collected her own sheet of blank paper and choose a blue pencil crayon, continuing her efforts to connect with him and build a rapport before she really had to get into the interview and try to get a victim's statement out of him.

He glanced up at her again, clearly liking being complimented on his drawing.

"You know, I have a little boy at home, and we're always doing art projects together. But he tells me all the time that I colour wrong."

Jacob looked up at her. "How can you colour wrong?"

She gave him another little smile. "I'm not sure. But he's very specific about what colours get used where. I guess I don't follow his rules very well. Maybe you can give me some tips."

Jacob looked like he thought about it for a moment – and watched the little trails of blue she was creating on the paper. She was slowly trying to draw something that might end up vaguely looking like a blue bird. But drawing was not her strong point.

"It sounds like he has stupid rules," Jacob said instead of providing advice and looked back to his work.

She shrugged. "Maybe. But he's just little," she watched him again for a moment. "That's a mandala you're making, right?"

He glanced up at her again. "You know about mandalas?"

She nodded. "A little bit."

She looked down to her own necklaces. She was wearing what had become her three standard ones that day. She knew it was getting a little ridiculous – but they all had meaning to her and she wasn't willing to take any of them off. She picked up her own mandala from where it sat against her chest and held it out a bit for him.

"Mine's a lotus mandala," she told him. "It's supposed to be a reminder that from darkness comes light and that we all have the ability to rise above life's difficulties."

He glanced up at the necklace and considered it for a moment but turned his attention back to his own project without providing any sort of comment.

"A lot of art therapy classes use them, I know. Is that were you learned how to draw them, Jacob?"

He shrugged at her.

"My little boy does art therapy – and he got to learn about using mandalas to help focus and cope with stressful things. He can't really draw them like you can yet but he sure loves to colour them."

He looked at her hard. "Why are you making your kid go to therapy?"

She gave him a little smile. "Well, I don't really have to make him go to art therapy, Jacob. He loves it. I think most of the time he just thinks its art class."

"It's still therapy," he spat out and she saw him grip his pencil tighter.

She nodded. "It is, you're right."

"So why do you make him go? Is he screwed up because you're a cop and always trying to get him to say things?"

She rubbed at her eyebrow a bit and then put her elbow on the table and rested her chin on it. "Nah, I don't think he's screwed up because I'm a cop. Not yet anyways. But he has leukemia and that's a pretty hard thing for a little boy to cope with."

Jacob met her eyes again for a moment. She could see the look – the one she'd become all too familiar with among other families in the pediatric oncology unit. The sad acknowledgment that somehow you share something and someone you love – a little person - is fighting an uphill battle.

"How old is he?" the boy asked softly after a long pause that hung between them.

"He's six."

Jacob made some hard lines on his drawing – that threatened to become scribbles across the page.

"Where is he in his treatment?" He asked quietly again after his scribbles stilled.

She shifted her position a bit – adjusting herself and her comfort level in using her family in an interview. Though it's a technique taught to all detectives – it was never one she'd ever been overly comfortable with. Bringing Noah's illness into it to solicit information just seemed to make it that much harder. It was different than when suspects or victim's families would give her that accusing look and tone and demand to know if she was a mother. She'd always hated that question before she had Noah – like the fact she wasn't a parent diminished her role as an SVU detective, that she couldn't understand or do her job properly. She thought, though, she might like it even less now – having to provide people with a glimpse into her private life, however small. She tried to save that for the cases and the victims she really and truly cared about and was more deeply invested in.

"He's LTM," she told the kid. "He just started his third cycle about a week ago."

"They making him do 11?"

She nodded. "That's the plan – maybe 12. He's had a hold and right now he's not doing very well getting back up to 100 per cent on his one drug and we're back and forth to the hospital a lot. So we might have some more holds to get through."

"He still has to go to the hospital on LTM?"

She nodded.

"My mom made me go to a private clinic when I started LTM," he said and glared at his mandala some more.

"Well, I think she hoped it would be more comfortable for you that way. But you haven't really liked your time at Temple, have you, Jacob?" she asked.

He shrugged.

"You had a chemo nurse assigned to you, right? Nurse Craig? Craig De Luca?"

He glanced at her and his eyes told her all she needed to know. She just needed to get him to verbalize it. That was always the hard part with victims – especially the kids.

"Can you tell me a bit about Nurse Craig?" she asked.

He shrugged again. "He's alright." But then he met her eyes suddenly and with some anger. "But if this is about the bruises that Dr. Hanna saw - bruises are normal. You know that if your kid really has cancer."

She nodded. "You're right, Jacob. My son gets lots of bruises – because he's an active little boy even in all of this. I bet you are, too? He gets bruises on his chest sometimes and he gets a lot on his arms and sometimes he even gets them on his calves and his feet. But he doesn't get many ever on his pelvis," she placed her hand on her own, "or his thighs or butt. Sometimes you can tell what made bruises too, Jacob. Sometimes they may look like a hand or fingers or a fist, if they weren't made just by bumping into something or falling down."

The boy gazed at her but offered no comment.

"How did you get your bruises, Jacob?"

He shrugged.

"Have you been falling down a lot?" She asked. He shook his head. "Have you been bumping into things a lot?" He shook his head again.

She watched him. He was pushing his pencil crayon so forcibly into the paper she thought he might actually break through the paper and begin colouring on the table instead.

"Can you tell me a bit about what sort of things Nurse Craig was responsible for doing for you at the clinic?" She asked.

"I don't know," he said.

She gave him a little smile, even though he wasn't looking directly at her. "Oh, I bet you could give me a bit of an idea. My son is a lot littler than you and he is able to tell people what happens on a treatment visit."

"His is different, he goes to the hospital," Jacob spat out. "Private clinics do it differently."

She looked at him. "How is it different, Jacob?"

"You get your own room," he said.

She nodded. "So sometimes you're alone with the doctors or the nurses in the room?"

He shrugged – but offered a little nod too.

"Are you ever alone with Nurse Craig?"

He again nodded, more clearly that time. "Lots," he said quietly.

She nodded her acknowledgement. "How else is it different?"

"They know how to make the treatment work better," he said softly.

She watched him. "How do they make treatment work better, Jacob?"

"You have to be relaxed more to make it work better," he said. "That's what Nurse Craig said. That it only works if you are relaxed."

"How did Nurse Craig tell you that you needed to relax?" She asked.

He finally glanced at her. "I don't want to talk about it," he said.

"I know it's hard to talk about, Jacob."

"The treatment won't work if I talk about it or if everyone knows and I'm stressed," he said.

She shook her head. "That's not true, Jacob. You medicine will work just the same no matter how relaxed or stressed you are. Your doctors are making sure of that. Lots of people are stressed during treatment. It's a stressful thing."

"You get better faster if you're relaxed," he spat back.

"You don't seem very relaxed right now," she told him.

He looked back to his mandala and stared at it for a while. "That's your fault," he said. "I want to go home now."

"Soon, Jacob. We just need to talk a little bit more. Can you tell me how Nurse Craig told you to relax?"

Jacob shook his head.

"Why not?"

"It's a secret."

"Why's it a secret?" she asked.

"Because he said he only told his kids about it so we could get better faster."

"So other boys at the clinic know about his relaxation techniques?" she asked.

Jacob gave a nod.

"Did his relaxation techniques involve touching?"

The boy shrugged.

"You know, Jacob, most oncology nurses would really only touch your chest to access your port or your arms to get in a line."

"At the hospital," he said.

"But they touch you more at Temple?"

He nodded. "Because it's private and the treatment is different," he told her again.

"I'm still not understanding how it's different, Jacob. Can you explain that to me more?"

"Nurse Craig gives massages to help you relax during treatment," he said – but diverted his eyes.

"Massages? On your shoulders?" He shook his head. "On your back?" He shrugged.

She tilted her head to just catch his eyes. "Jacob, does Nurse Craig massage your private parts?"

He cast his eyes further down and scribbled all over his mandala, destroying the pattern that was there and now focusing on making a thundercloud of black lead over top of his creation.

"He said it makes the blood flow so the medicine goes through you better and you're relaxed," he said at a near whisper.

She nodded and moved her chair a bit closer to him – and again tried to catch his eyes. "Did he just use his hands for the massage, Jacob or did he use something else too?"

The boy brought the pencil crayon up to his lips and tapped it – and then swiped at his eyes.

She tilted her head again to try to meet his teary stare - and he gave her a small glance. "I know this is hard to talk about, Jacob. But you're doing really well – and you're helping lots of other kids, so you all get better. You didn't do anything wrong. Talking about it isn't wrong either and it's not going to affect your treatment, OK?"

He nodded so softly that it was barely detectable.

"Did Nurse Craig massage or touch you anywhere else, Jacob?" she asked.

He again gave a small nod.

"Where Jacob?"


	133. Chapter 133

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will had managed to walk up behind her unnoticed and dropped the little suede bag on the desk in front of her.

He saw her startle a bit at it falling there and glanced over her shoulder with an annoyed looked. But her face softened on seeing him – though she looked a little surprised.

"Hey," she said, and picked up the bag, shaking it a bit in her hand. "What's this?"

He shrugged. "Don't know. Open it."

She gave him a questioning look – but complied, even though she was conscious of other people in the room having noticed his presence and watching their interaction – especially Elliot. Still, she pulled the little strings loose and emptied the contents into her hand. She gazed at it for a moment not – really understanding and glanced at him again, but he just stood there watching her hand. She looked back to her palm and took in the little polished stones. Some said "I love you …" while others had a saying on them. So she slowly started to flip them over to see the saying, one at a time - her smile growing with each one.

"I love you …" said the stones, "…because you rock!"; "…for always getting my jokes"; "…because you're so much fun"; "…because of your great smile"; "…for your honesty"; "…for being so giving"; "…because you're an inspiration"; "…because you love me"; "…because I just do!"

She shook her head at him, feigning annoyance, though the smile across her face betrayed her. "You drive me absolutely crazy," she told him.

He shrugged. "You love it."

She just shook her head again and re-examined the little stones in her hand.

"Whatever that is, you're making us all look bad," Elliot commented from across the desk.

Will laughed and just shrugged again. "Sorry."

Liv handed Elliot the little stone that complimented her smile and he examined it.

"Maybe you should take some lessons," she suggested to her partner.

He shook his head at it and handed it back to her. "You aren't going to slap him around for being that sappy?"

She worked on putting the little stones back into their pouch. "Maybe later," she said.

"She likes sappy on occasion – don't let her front here fool you," Will commented.

"Watch your mouth or you'll be out the door," she warned.

"Enjoy it while it lasts. The sap won't get you anywhere after 20-plus years of marriage," Elliot said, looking back to his work. "I'm sure right now everything you do is still adorable, right? Honeymoon-phase."

Liv snorted. "Trust me, everything he does is not anywhere near adorable and it will be significantly less adorable if I put up with him 20 years."

Will gave her a look. "You planning the divorce already or you expecting to keel over sooner than I thought?"

"Oh, and the sap backfires already," Elliot teased.

Liv shot him a look and shook her head. "Only because you're here opening your big mouth."

"It's like you're all having some sort of multi-dimensional family quarrel here," Munch commented from across the way. "Some of us have work to be doing, if you could pipe it down. But, statistically, Mr. Wonderful should know that the man usually kicks the bucket first."

"That's why I hooked up with an older woman, so I can live off all her riches in my twilight years of peace," Will said.

Munch looked at Liv. "I always knew you were robbing the cradle. What is he? Like 25?"

Liv rolled her eyes. "OK, One: I don't think any of you guys should talk about who's 'old'. Two: I'm not planning on keeling over before I can even claim my social security cheques. Three: He's 40."

"I'm not 40," Will protested.

"Sorry, he is 39 and clinging to the last few months of his 30s in an almost pathetic state of terror," she said – and gave him a smile.

"Five and a half months," he said.

She gave a bit of a 'uh-huh' look like he'd just proved her point.

"He's not even 40? You are robbing the cradle, Liv," John added again.

She sighed. "OK, I think you've done enough damage for one visit," she told Will and made a shooing motion with her hand.

"Ah, I actually kind of came – because I thought you might want some company getting home today," he said.

"And Mr. Wonderful does it again," John said.

She shook her head at him.

"It's not even four," she told Will. "I still have some time to put in and some things to get done."

He shrugged. "I sort of heard you might be leaving early today."

"You sort of heard?" She glared at Elliot. He avoided eye contact. He knew that doing the interview earlier in the day had taken a bit out of her – as had rehashing it all in typing up her report.

But her case against Elliot wasn't helped – when Cragen stuck his head out of his office. "Olivia, I got your Fives. Go home."

She rolled her eyes again.

So "Go home," Cragen said again – this time a bit louder and with a bit more force to it.

Elliot looked at her. "Are you really going to turndown the opportunity to bust out of here early? Because if you are – I'll sure take the jump on the traffic for you."

She groaned. "You all drive me crazy," she said, but started to clear up her desk.

"You love it," Elliot echoed Will's earlier sentiment.


	134. Chapter 134

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"In a strange way, I think it has kind of made it all a little easier," she allowed, though she was avoiding making eye contact with the shrink.

"How's that, Olivia?" Dr. Ashley pushed.

She sighed and shook her head, thinking about it. "I don't know. I guess because it's all just in the open right now. Sometimes it just feels like it's taking so much energy to pretend like it's not happening."

"You shouldn't have to pretend it's not happening," the psychologist said.

"But it shouldn't interfered with work – or I end up in places like this, don't I?" She spat.

"Maybe you ended up in places like this because you were set on pretending it wasn't happening," the doctor suggested.

She sighed harder and glared at the ceiling.

"It feels good, though, for you to be able to have it in the open a work? Easier?" She pushed again.

She shrugged. "Yeah, right now it does. I thought exposing myself that way at work, that it would …" she shook her head.

"That you wouldn't be able to handle it?" the shrink suggested.

"I just thought it was all hitting too close to home right now."

"But is it working out that way?"

She rubbed her hand across the fabric on the sofa and considered it for a moment.

"It's still hitting close to home. It means I'm thinking about Noah a lot more at work – in a different way than usual. But it also kind of feels like it's giving everything we've had to go through some purpose. That it's helping me relate to these victims and their families – for them to be able to relate to me and open up to me. So we can help them."

"That must be very gratifying," Ashley said.

She nodded.

"So you like helping the families but you are still struggling with letting some of your colleagues see more about what you are dealing with?" She tried again.

The detective shrugged again. "I don't know. I like to keep my private life my private life. It don't like that they are seeing pieces of it more right now. But it does feel easier. Some times you have so much invested in keeping up appearances, I guess."

"So what are you afraid they're seeing?"

She sighed. "It's weakness. It's just a sign of weakness."

"You work with other people who are parents," Ashley said. "They must be able to appreciate on some level how difficult what you're going through is."

She shook her head and examined the floor. "It's different when you're a woman. You can't be … a teary mess. I'm not a house mouse. I don't want to be."

"Most of the men in your squad, you've worked with them a long time, surely you've proven yourself to them – being a woman can't matter much anymore."

"I'll always be the woman, though," she said. "Me being a mother, me being engaged right now, Will coming in and out of the office – it just reminds them of that. This case – it just makes them think they have to watch my back more."

"Or maybe they are just trying to help you carry the load right now?"

She sighed.

"Have they said or done anything while working on this case that specifically upset you?"

She shook her head again. "No. They've been really good. Respectful. Really supportive. They all have – through all of this with Noah."

"But you still worry about … your reputation among them?"

She shrugged.

"How do you think the men you work with would describe you?"

She looked at her – and felt a bit of anger rise into her cheeks. "I don't know. That's kind of narcissistic to sit and think about."

Ashley nodded. "I have a bit of an idea, though. You know all of them submitted character letters to the board during the hearings. They were in your file for my review before your initial evaluation."

Olivia sighed and looked at the ceiling again. She brought her hands back onto her lap and gripped them tightly.

"There were words like strong, dedicated, hard-working, passionate, moral, exemplarily cop, the kind of partner you usually can only hope for," Ashley said. "There weren't any descriptions that would've captured you as weak or just another woman on the job."

She shook her head. "Well, they wouldn't have been asked to write them, if I thought they'd say something that would detract from my character, would they?"

Ashley gave a small shrug. "My professional opinion was that none of them came across as insincere. They'd all clearly taken the time to think about it and write an honest answer. They clearly appreciate what you bring to the squad and feel that you leaving special victims would be a loss to the unit."

She let out another large sigh.

"But you still feel that you having to concentrate more on your son right now – that you being engaged – that it's somehow detracting from your reputation? That they are seeing you more as a woman?"

She shrugged.

"You mentioned Will has been into the squad room some times?"

"On occasion."

"And you don't like when he does that?"

She sighed. "I do and I don't."

"Why do you?"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Because he's my partner. I like seeing him."

"OK – then why don't you?"

"Because it's my private life waltzing right into the squad room and talking – chatting with the guys, saying little bits about me, about our life, about my son."

"And that bothers you, because you think it makes them see you as even more of a woman?"

She shrugged. "Yes – but also that … it just … it's an exposure of my personal, private life."

"That your colleagues aren't allowed to see?"

"I think all of us try to keep our private lives out of work as much as possible."

"But you've met some of your colleagues spouses? Their children? Surely other people have had family members come in and out of the squad room on occasion as well?"

She nodded.

"And does that make you think less of them?"

"No."

"What does it make you think?"

She shrugged again. "I guess I kind of like it. It humanizes us all. It's nice to see that they have an outside life – that may be flawed – but they have other things beyond all of this."

"And you don't think they may be thinking the same things about you when they see Will come into the squad? Or Noah?"

She sighed and shrugged – even though she acknowledged the point. Still, it didn't mean she had to like it.

"Are you able to let yourself be a woman with Will?"

She snorted at that. "I'd hope so."

"So you let him see what you consider to be your weaknesses?"

"I don't consider being a woman a weakness."

"But you consider being a mother and being a fiancée, soon a wife, to be a weakness?"

She sighed. "That's not what I mean."

"You mean you have to think like a man at work because you feel like you work in a man's world?"

"The NYPD is still a man's world – and a lot of our perps are men. So, yes, SOMETIMES, I have to think like a man. But I think being a woman and being able to think like a woman brings a lot to our cases."

"I think you're right. And, I think being a mother and a wife aids in that too. It's more experience for you to draw on – more things that dictate how you think and how you relate to victims. That's not wrong. I also think your colleagues recognize that."

Olivia offered not response – so Ashley wrote down a few notes as the thought hung in the air for a while.

"How open are you with Will about everything you're going through?"

She shrugged. "We're close. He knows me."

"Do you talk to him about what you're feeling? At work and with Noah?"

She rubbed her eyebrow. "We talk a lot."

"Do you let him in?"

She sighed. "I think we're both getting better at that."

Ashley nodded. "Did you follow up on the family therapy information I gave you?"

Olivia went back to examining the floor but allowed a small nod.

"Have you gone?"

She sighed. "Yeah. We've been to the first two sessions."

Ashley gave her a small smile. "Four more to go. I think you can grit your teeth and endure it then. How are you finding it?"

Olivia gave a small shrug. "It's OK. It's interesting."

"What have you done so far?"

"Ah, we had to draw this picture together of a boat and a lighthouse in a storm. Then we had to talk about who did what on the picture and how it was decidated. At the second session, they had us each tell a story about if our family was on that boat – what was happening in the picture."

"Is it interesting to hear Noah talk? To interact with him at the sessions?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It is."

"Do you want to share anything he's said?"

She shook her head.

"OK," Ashley allowed. "And Will is participating well?"

She nodded. "Yeah, Will doesn't have any problems with participating. He's open to whatever gets us through all of this."

"What about you? Did you go to the mothers' PTSD group?"

She sighed. "I went to one. But I really am not one for group therapy."

"Why's that?"

She shook her head. "I just don't feel like it's the place for me."

"Because you feel like you don't deserve to be there?"

"A lot of them are dealing with children sicker than my son."

Ashley shook her head. "That's not true. I spoke at length with the counselor who runs the group before referring you. She was very clear that she was placing you with a group of women who's children were not terminal cases and who's children would be dealing with comparable diagnoses and points in their treatment."

Olivia offered no response.

"Your issues aren't any less important than anyone else's, Olivia," Ashley said. "Your experiences are just as valid. What you are enduring is very real. You feeling upset, hurt, scared, angry – those are all justified and expected emotions."

She still didn't offer comment.

Ashley tapped her pad.

"The hospital must have psychology staff that deals specifically with cancer patients and their families. Perhaps, we should look into one-on-one sessions for you?"

Olivia shook her head. "I'm fine."

"Will you try going back to another session of the group therapy then? Try to more actively participate? Really listen to what they are saying they are feeling – not just what they are experiencing medically with their child. I think you'll find you aren't as alone as you think – and you may just be able to get some of the support that you want and need from these women."


	135. Chapter 135

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She watched Will again for a moment – in a bit of disgust and wonder. He'd managed to completely pass out in the chair next to the hospital bed. Though he was now slouched down in it so far she thought he was likely going to slide out of it and end up sprawled out on the floor soon.

Getting him awake at the house had been hard enough. She'd had to shake his shoulder multiple times to get him to open his eyes from his decongestant induced sputter. As he sat there disoriented while she told him she was taking Noah over to the ER, she'd actually told him to go back to sleep. But he'd managed to snap out of it enough, that he'd insisted he was coming too and some how managed to dress himself and get out to the cab with them. He hadn't been much help – or even support since then, though.

She'd actually been close to exiling him out to Staten Island until he was better. Though he had insisted it was just a sinus infection from going in and out of the air conditioning to the muggy weather outside and the influx of pollution and smog that hung in the air with it. He said he wasn't contagious. She wasn't sure she believed him – though he hadn't managed to infect her yet. Though, she had a stronger immune system than Noah.

She supposed a good thing about them being frequent flyers at the hospital ER anymore was that they were familiar enough faces with most of the night-shift doctors that the doc hadn't put up much of a fuss about tapping away at Will's face after he had tended to Noah. It'd been quickly confirmed that it did appear to just be a sinus infection and a prescription had been handed to him. Will had promptly gone back to sleep after that – and she'd be left sitting with Noah.

They were still making it through the residual affects of his pulse treatment and steroid week, so she'd been watching him more carefully. His monthly steroid treatment and its fallout was always a living hell. She'd decided that 'roid rage in gym meatheads didn't hold a candle to the fury of a six-year-old on chemotherapy. It wrecked chaos on their lives at a whole new level.

Noah spent the entire thing a teary, raging, tantrum induced mess – and that wasn't even counting all the extra side effects that cropped up as the drug worked through his system. Though she knew the extra side effects for her was increased bruising from how he struggled with her when she tried to calm him and decreased patience as she had to remind herself he was just a sick little boy and she couldn't be that upset with him or screaming at him or punishing him for attitudes and actions that were really falling outside of his control. His little body was in chaos and his frustration with it just sent him flying too.

But as he was coming down from it, his tolerance to his usual drugs seemed to be wearing thinner than usual. He'd broken out in hives and she kept finding him as a dripping rag of sweat in bed when she checked on him at night. The ground floor really wasn't that hot. The air conditioning in the aged building seemed to keep the humidity reasonably at bay down there. Still, she'd only been able to catch him with a 37.1 C fever, which barely counted. That night though, he started vomiting. That wasn't necessarily uncommon with him. But he'd puked twice within just over an hour – so that was all she needed to make the call to the oncology resident and get them into a cab and to the waiting triage nurse at ER.

They'd been back-and-forth so much lately with his temperature spikes with the continuing efforts to get him back up to 100 per cent on the 6-MP, that the doctors just threw them all right into a private room right away anymore. They had managed to get Noah up to 75 per cent of his dosage and she was just praying this wouldn't cause them to backtrack again. His labs just had to stay solid for another week's worth of tests and they could finally be back on track with his treatment protocol.

His oncologist had actually suggested that maybe they take out the port completely now that he was a couple cycles into LTM. He had said that it might be contributing to some of the ANC spikes due to minor infections and that could be related to the fevers too. She hadn't made a final decision on it yet. In some ways it would be easier – one less thing to have to be conscious of and fuss about. But even for a child, Noah had bad veins. She blamed that on Kurt's genetics. She had regularly been told at her own doctor's visits that she had good veins. But if she went ahead with approving the port's removal, it meant that they'd have to go digging for veins in Noah whenever they went in for blood work or whenever they had to get a line into him for treatment or otherwise. It sounded like that meant a lot of fussing from her little boy and a lot of discomfort for him. But if it's removal meant the doctors would finally have the numbers they needed to get him back on track – that was likely worth it. She'd been torn for the past week as she mauled it over.

Still, despite his cancer status getting them special treatment in the ER, they ended up waiting just as long to see the doctor. At least they had walls instead of curtains and her son wasn't having to hang out with the people who thought the ER was the appropriate place to get checked out for ear infections and raging coughs in the middle of the night.

Thankfully, it was all looking like a false alarm. Just chemo tummy. There still hadn't been any spikes in his temperature since getting there and the initial ANC test they'd run on him had come back in acceptable ranges. So they'd given him some Gravol and Zofran - and a prescription for her to take home with them to try to help with his tolerance to the chemotherapy to get him through this latest hump. It seemed to be helping at the moment. He'd thrown-up once more since they'd gotten there – but he was keeping the pills down now. So they'd shifted their focus to working on getting him rehydrated. Her son seemed so oblivious to having another line in him and IV drip working its way slowly into his system. About two more hours. They'd only finally gotten the IV going about 30 minutes ago.

She sighed a little, as her eyes moved from Will to the big bag that she could see dripping at a snail's pace into her little boy. She glanced at her watch. They'd be lucky it they were released from the hospital by about 4 a.m. She had hoped that Noah would settle and sleep now that the IV was going and his stomach seemed to have calmed – then she could at least close her eyes too, even though she knew sleep wouldn't come for her. But her son, though acting sulky and exhausted, wasn't closing his eyes.

She glanced at him again. They'd set the bed up so she could sit up in it with him. He was cuddled against her and playing with her necklaces. His little hands still felt a little clammy as they fingered at her upper chest. She cupped his head and gave the top of it a small kiss, sighing again. He barely reacted and kept flicking at the little rectangle on the one chain around her neck. She just watched him.

"Fierceness," he finally said quietly.

She gave him a little small. "Fearlessness," she corrected him, again. She wasn't sure if he couldn't wrap his tongue around the word or if that's what he really thought the pendant should say.

She lifted his hand that she'd tied her corded bracelet with the same pendant on him while he was still in induction – now more than a year ago. Will had warned that she was just asking for it to be lost in the shuffle of the hospital of him having to take it on and off for various tests and imaging. She'd ignored him. He'd warned again when Noah started school that he was a little boy and he'd likely lose it. She'd indicated whatever happened, happened. She wanted her son to have it – and it hadn't gone anywhere so far. It only moved from his wrist to her hand while he went in and out of appointments – and then she'd threaded the button-clasp back on for him.

She brought his wrist to her lips and gave it a kiss, before tapping it against her own pendant and then holding it against his heart.

"My fearless boy," she told him quietly. "But you're pretty fierce too."

He looked at her with his big brown eyes and then cuddled harder against her and she wrapped her arms around him, being careful to avoid tugging at his line, and held him in a tight hug. She rubbed his back and thought he might finally fall asleep, but he kept stirring and nuzzling her.

"You want to watch a movie on the iPad, sweets? Or for Mommy to read to you for a while?"

"Bluey," he said in a near whine instead of giving an answer.

She picked up the little NYPD bear he'd dropped on her opposite side and handed it to him. He stuffed the bear between them both.

"You and Bluey going to sleep until your IV is done?" she asked hopefully. But Noah shook his head.

"You want me to put the bed down flat so you can rest better, sweets?" she tried again. But he again shook his head against her.

"Why's Daddy sleeping?" Noah said quietly.

"Because it's very late and he's not feeling very well," she told him, rubbing his back again.

"Can we wake him up?"

"No, Noah. Daddy needs his rest so he can feel better. I think you're very tired too – and I think a rest would help you feel a bit better too. Gravol makes you sleepy. So let's close our eyes?"

He shook his head again.

"Hmm. OK, well then, I'm going to read to you for a while – because otherwise I'm going to fall asleep and you'll be awake all alone," she told him.

"NO!" Noah said. "Don't go to sleep, Mommy."

She shook her head. "Nope, so we're going to read."

She picked up the book that they'd been working on from beside her again – and turned to the page they'd stopped at.

"Where did we stop?" She asked him.

"The voice told Wilbur not to cry and that they'd be his friend in the morning," Noah told her.

She nodded. "What do you think the voice is?"

"A pigeon like Pigeon in Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus because it's above him," her son told her. "Can we read Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, Mommy?"

She shook her head. "We don't have that one with us, sweetheart. We can read it when we get home. Maybe you can read it to me, OK?"

"Can we get a pet pig too?" He asked instead, in one of thought pivots.

She smiled at him. "Sweets, if we can't get a pet dog, do you think we can get a pet pig?"

He shrugged. "Maybe we can get a pet rat like Templeton," he suggested instead.

She gave a little laugh at him and stroked his head some more. "There are lots and lots of rats in the city – but you can't keep any of them as pets, sweets. Gross," she told him and shook her head.

He made his standard unimpressed huffing sound against her – but quieted, so she opened to the page they'd stopped at.

"Chapter Five: Charlotte," she told him.

"The book's called Charlotte's Web," Noah said quickly, and pulled the cover towards him so he could see it again. He looked at it carefully. "Charlotte's there, right?" he said, pointing to the spider hanging off the title. "She's the spider and it's her web. I bet she's the voice, Mom."

She shrugged. "Well, let's read and find out, OK?" She patted the thin blanket around him more and tried to find a comfortable position to keep her one arm around him and while still holding the book with her less dominant hand, so he could see the scattered pencil-line drawings.

"The night seemed long," she started softly for him, rubbing his back and holding him against her, glancing a bit at his sleepy-looking eyes that were trying to stay open and gaze at the word-filled page. "Wilbur's stomach was empty and his mind was full. And when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's always hard to sleep."


	136. Chapter 136

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She could feel him watching her change.

"Will, insecurity doesn't look very good on you," she told him without even turning around. But she heard him sigh and shift on the bed.

"You never get dressed like that for me," he commented.

She sighed and shook her head. "I'm not getting dressed like this for Elliot either. I'm getting dressed like this to go undercover for a few hours," she told him as she walked over to the bed and turned around. "Help me with the zipper," she told him.

He complied and she turned back around to face him. He looked sort of sad, so she gave him a small kiss.

"Stop stewing," she told him sternly. "It's pissing me off."

He sighed and looked to the ground. "You look really nice," he offered.

She put her hand on his cheek. He stopped his daily shaving during his sinus infection and had managed to build up quite the stubble. She actually figured that it about as much as a beard would ever fill in on him – longer then just a scratchy stubble but still too short and sparse to really be called a beard. She was undecided how she felt about the look, though. Sometimes while he had his glasses on, she thought it really was starting to look the part of the sexy professor. But when he was slumming around the house in his tshirts and shorts and still acting under the weather, she thought it looked more like a college kid who was just too lazy to shave. She also wasn't sure how she felt about the facial hair scratching against her skin and face while he kissed her.

"Thank you," she said and gave him a small smile.

"So how are you playing it tonight?" He asked.

She sighed at him again. "Will, we go over this every time I have to do one of these things. It's just role playing. It's not real. It's part of my job."

"Couple? Or married?" He asked.

She sighed at him harder and went to the bathroom to finish her make-up. "Married – and, again, it's just role playing and it's part of my job," she called back after him. She knew if she didn't give him an answer, he'd get even more riled up.

He came over and leaned in the bathroom door – and stood watching her again.

"You're driving me crazy," she said. "Aren't the Yankees playing tonight? Go downstairs and watch."

He shrugged. "I'd prefer to watch you."

"I'd prefer if you didn't," she told him.

He hung his head. "Maybe we should go somewhere fancier for date night next time. So you can dress up," he suggested.

She glanced at him. "Will, it's so bloody hot out. I'm tired. I like our date nights the way they are. We don't have to do something expensive or fancy. I don't want to be out in that heat and humidity under a layer of make-up and in some uncomfortable dress."

"But you are tonight," he interjected.

"For work," she sighed at him again. "I was looking forward to going to the exhibit with you. I don't want to change our plans."

"I could make some nice reservations for after," he suggested.

"I don't want to walk around the museum in heels, Will. I like that we keep it casual. I like that it's special when we do something a bit nicer. We don't have to do that all the time."

"It means you only pull out these outfits for work then," he said.

She sighed at him and shook her head. "You know that's not true. I dress up for you – and for when we go out – when it's appropriate. I like doing it sometimes too. I'm just so tired all the time right now, Will. I like getting the time out of the house with you – but I don't want to turn it into … whatever. Just don't turn date night into something else that is stressful, please. Don't be insecure about me putting on some outfit for work."

"For you to go and pose at some fancy club with your partner as his wife," he said – and she was really glad she hadn't given him any more details about where she was really going – fancy club being a swingers' club – or else he might really be losing his mind in this teenaged insecurity that she was finding completely unwarranted and slightly insulting. Not to mention, beyond annoying that they had to go through it every time one of these assignments came up.

"Yeah, Will, it's going to be a real blast," she said at him, rolling her eyes. "It's just what I want to be doing with my evening after spending the whole day at work and all supper-hour and bedtime smearing calamine lotion all over my sick and moody son."

"Maybe we should go to a club," he suggested.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Will, you have never set foot in any sort of club – that doesn't involve math, science, boardgames or comics – in your life."

He shrugged.

"Will, last time I am saying this, I LIKE our dates. I don't care not all of them warrant me putting on a dress. With how I'm feeling these days – I like that better. I LIKE keeping it simple."

"I like seeing you dressed up," he offered.

She rolled her eyes at him harder – but put her hands around his waist and briefly pressed herself against him. "Well, maybe if you can drop some of that insecurity while I'm out, I might let you dress me down when I get home," she told him quietly, leaning into his ear just a bit.

He snorted and looked away – and she breezed passed him and back to her closet to get her shoes.

"When will you be home?" He asked.

"Two – at the latest," she said.

"Unless you make a collar – and then I won't see you until dinner tomorrow," he said.

She looked at him again while she lifted her heel to help slip it in with her hand – and she shook her head. "We aren't expecting to tonight. This is just a fact collecting thing," she told him.

He sighed. "Sometimes I hate your job."

"Sometimes I hate your job too. All these little 20-somethings macking on their sexy, smart, personable professor."

He blushed a bit and looked down. "You know that's not true."

She went over to the corner of the bed where he'd taken up space. "I know it is true. But I know you aren't going anywhere. So I'd appreciate if you'd give me the same professional courtesy and stop stewing," she told him again, holding his temples in her hands and forcing him to look at her.

He shook his head a bit – as much as her grip would let him. "OK," he said softly.

She gave him another little kiss on the forehead and then wiped at the tiny bit of lipstick that was left there.

"You better take good care of Noah tonight," she warned him. "Make sure he's not clawing at his rash in his sleep – and make sure any night-time haunting is done before I get home."

"You're going to be too distracted and coming down from work-mode – and just too tired – to want to do anything when you get home," he sighed.

She gave him a little smile. "Well, I guess you'll just have to hedge your bets and see how the cards fall," she told him.

"I'm only staying up until 2 a.m. if you can guarantee I'm getting laid."

She laughed and examined him for a moment, brushing her hand up and down his cheek a couple more times. "Shave off this mess while I'm out – and I think your chances are going to go up," she said.

He gave her a smile and pulled her a bit closer to him, examining her up and down in a gaze that almost made her a bit uncomfortable. "I thought you liked it," he said.

"Hmm," she shook her head. "Novelty has worn off for me. Bring back my Will while I'm out – and we'll see how quickly I can get undistracted."


	137. Chapter 137

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He came over and sat down opposite her at the picnic table on their campground site. She was so lost in her thought, though, she didn't seem to register that he was even there. She'd been sitting quietly and alone like that for at least a good 10 minutes at that point.

"Liv," he said firmly, and she startled a bit and finally met his eyes and brought her hands away from where she'd been holding them clutched together and tapping them at her mouth, her one necklace chain looped around her thumbs.

She gave him a small smile.

"Hey," she almost mouthed rather than say – the sound that did come out her mouth was almost inaudible.

"What you doing over here?" He asked.

He'd walked up to the little store with his dad to check it out and to see if they had some grilling briquettes, seeing as those had some been forgotten. When he'd left Liv had been sitting at the table with his mom and Noah, playing a hand of Go Fish. But it looked like the game had been over for some time and now she was just sitting and staring in a daze at where his mom and her boy were just inside the edge of the woods. His mom was instructing Noah on how to pick the perfect marshmallow roasting stick while also having him collect little twigs up off the ground to use as kindling in the fire pit.

"Mmm," she shook her head. "I was just watching them," she motioned her hand over in the direction now off behind his shoulder.

"From another planet?" He commented.

She allowed him another small smile for that comment. "I was just thinking, Will."

He shrugged. "About what?"

She shook her head and looked at the tabletop. "Nothing," she said.

"It sure didn't look like nothing," he told her. "It kind of looked liked you checked out on us. I've been back about 10 minutes. We said 'hello' when we got back and you didn't even flinch."

"I was thinking about my mom," she told him and gave him a bit of a sad smile before going back to running her fingers across the wear-and-tear creases dug into the wood of the table.

He stopped for a moment and examined her – before reaching across the table and gripping her one hand in his. She let him and patted the top of his with her other free hand.

"I'm alright," she assured him.

She so rarely talked about her mother and when she did it always usually with a kind of sadness and occasionally he could see these little glimpses of self-hatred in her – that made him angry; that her mother, of all people, had made her feel that way about herself. No one deserved that – but he certainly didn't feel Olivia deserved that at all, and it pained him to know that even with all her therapy and counseling and years to grieve and by angry and move on, she still sometimes let her mind drift into those dark places, where she wasn't good enough or even that she didn't deserve to exist – that she shouldn't exist, her whole existence was wrong from the get go in some way.

"I'm glad you're here," he told her.

She snorted. "Camping? I'm getting eaten alive. Your parents' bug spray isn't working."

He gave her another smile and looked at her. "I'll go back to the store and see if they have something stronger for the city slicker," he said, "but I meant here here. Just that you exist, that you're in my life."

She gave him another sad smile. "I know. Thank you."

"What were you thinking about her?" He asked cautiously and quietly.

His dad was off puttering around the fire pit off behind her back, getting it setup the way he wanted to grill up dinner and his mom and Noah seemed pretty set on the task at hand in their woods scavenges. He could hear Noah flipping over rocks and kicking away at over-growth in the search of bugs and newts to show off to Nana. But he knew she wouldn't say much of anything if she in anyway felt that their conversation might be overheard.

She shrugged a little bit and bounced their gripped hands up and down on the table slightly.

"I was just watching how your mom is with him," she said softly. "You can just tell she loves being a grandma. It doesn't matter that Noah isn't blood. She still dotes on him like all your nieces and nephews."

Will snorted and gave her a little smile. "Liv, she'd claimed Noah as hers from the first time I had you guys over for dinner at their place. There was no way that she would let me live it down if I had let you guys slip out of my life. She was excited from the get-go."

She rolled her eyes. "Just as annoyingly persistent as you."

"She doesn't care Noah's not biologically mine. She knows how I feel about him – and you. You guys are family."

She nodded and went back to examining their clutched hands, now tracing over his with her free one. "I know. They're all as annoying as fuck – but I appreciate getting to be part of a family."

He smiled and laughed. "They are as annoying as fuck," he agreed. "I tolerate them better when I've got you guys around."

She gave him another little smile and bounced their clutched fists on the table some more.

"Sometimes I wonder what my mom would've been like as a grandma, if maybe Noah would've gotten a free pass. Maybe she would've been able to enjoy him. Maybe she would've gotten to enjoy some of the things that having a child in your life can bring with him being around."

Now it was his turn to give her a sad smile. "Maybe," he agreed softly.

He could see her eyes glassing a bit, even from the angle she had her head tilted in the downcast gaze. So he put his other free hand on top of their pile and rubbed his thumb along the top of hers.

"Noah's a pretty amazing little boy," he offered. "She'd have been pretty lucky to have him as a grandson. He can be a whole lot of fun."

Liv snorted. "He can be. Sometimes. He can be annoying as fuck too."

"Just because someone mixed in too many stubbornness and head-strong genes into him," Will said. "Don't expect him to outgrow it. You haven't."

She glanced up at him and again allowed him a gentle grin.

"Sometimes I wish she could've met him," she said quietly.

"You've said before that you wouldn't have let her unless she was sober, Liv," he offered back just as quietly.

She nodded. "I know. But maybe it would've been the motivation she needed."

He gave a slight nod, though he wasn't sure he believed that it would've been the motivation she needed – not from the stories Olivia had told him.

"She would've wanted to meet her grandson, I think," Liv said – going back to re-examining their piled hands.

"I hope she would've," he tried to agree.

"She would've had lots of unsolicited opinions about me having a child, though, without a man," she said and shook her head. "I would've been lectured about being irresponsible – no matter what my age. She would've hated that I was a single mother. I would've been told my career was over and I was jeopardizing everything in my life; that I was sentencing myself to years of diapers and debt and frustrations brought on by a little ingrate. We would've fought – more than usual. It would've been bad for our relationship. Bad for my pregnancy."

"Then it's likely best she wasn't around, Liv, you didn't need more stress in your pregnancy," he said.

He sometimes wished he'd been there to help her while she was pregnant. And to watch her body change and to see Noah growing inside of her – to have had the opportunity to see Noah be born. She didn't even have any pictures or video of Noah being born. She really didn't have much of anything representing his first few days of life – though he understood that wasn't really the priority or where thoughts were cast at the time.

He supposed she well made up for the lack of early photos with her near compulsive snapping of photos and little videos on her phone now. But he knew that was cancer-related. She was still making sure she was capturing as much of his life as possible in case something still happened and she lost him. He kind of figured even when they cleared treatment – she'd still be taking endless pictures of her son, cataloguing his life and sitting and looking over it. It didn't seem to bother Noah much right now – though she was good at sneaking a lot them when he didn't know he was being photographed. But he suspected by the time the boy hit his teens, he'd be sick of his mom being a shutterbug.

She nodded. "I know."

"None of the things you think she would've said, have come true," he told her. "You made your own choice in keeping Noah – and I think we've both really glad you did. You still managed to find a man."

She gave him a snort and a little smile at that. "Sometimes you're a man," she allowed. "Sometimes I have two little boys."

He stroked her hand again. "I like to delude myself into thinking that I do an OK job at taking care of you both."

She looked at him and she saw her eyes watering again and she did her telltale glance upward to re-focus herself and keep any tears from falling.

"You do do a good job," she allowed and gave his hand a squeeze as she finally brought down her tilted chin.

"You haven't given up your career – at all. And, you may have had to change some diapers and racked up some debt – but Noah isn't an ingrate. He thinks you're about the coolest person in the whole world, Liv. You see the way he looks at you."

She gave him another small smile. "Yeah, I do."

"Mama's boy," Will told her.

She shook her head a little defensively. "He is not a mama's boy."

He give her a smile. "I'm just teasing. He loves you. Lots and lots. I like seeing it too. I like watching the two of you interact. Some times it makes me a tad jealous. You're an amazing mom, Liv."

She shook her head and shrugged. "Not really."

He bounced their hands this time. "Really," he told her, "and what you went through growing up and how long you had to wait to get your little boy – it makes it all the more amazing to get to watch you be a mother, babe."

She snorted. "Whatever."

"You suck at taking compliments," he told her.

"I wish she could've seen me as a mom too," she said quietly. "Sometimes I think she wanted me to be damaged – to be alone. Punishment."

"I wish she could've seen you as a mother – so you could've shown her how wrong she was," he said. "But she's really not worth it."

Liv looked at him. "She's still my mother, Will. She wasn't a bad person. She just had her issues. It wasn't all her fault."

He sighed and examining the table for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "She made a lot of poor choices that were her choice and her fault. Choices that hurt you – and that upsets me."

"Well, I wish she could've met you too," she said, "no matter how you feel about her."

"So you could've proven her wrong in that area too?"

Olivia thought about it. "I've got all the things that she didn't want me to have right now. Noah. You. A family. A big annoying extended family – that's welcomed me and my son – like a daughter, like a grandson. It's … just … I'm not alone like her – like I think she wanted me to be."

"Everything you have, Liv, you deserve. Don't ever question that. Don't let ghosts make you question that either. You are loved and cared about – by more than just Noah; by me and a whole network of other people now. You aren't alone, Liv, and you never deserved to be."


	138. Chapter 138

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You just ordered enough food that it seems like Kathy didn't feed you all weekend," she commented, as the waitress took their menus away and disappeared.

"Just about," Elliot said. "Kathleen was home. She's still doing the vegetarian thing. Our meals were pretty sad looking."

"Yeah, vegetables are known to kill you," she snorted and started working at getting her coffee done up the way she wanted.

"Well, it must've been a pretty bad camping trip if you're actually turning to the coffee when we're going to be at the courthouse all day."

"There's bathrooms at the courthouse last time I checked – and ones that have flush toilettes too. Fancy."

"That bad?"

She pushed up her sleeves and stuck out her forearms for him to examine. She felt a little ridiculous wearing long-sleeves in 90-degree temperatures. But she was going to feel more ridiculous having to testify in court looking like a swarm had literally gnawed on her.

Elliot gave her a bit of a smile and tried to stifle a laugh. "It's not that bad."

"It's also not that funny," she commented and shoved her sleeves back down. "They were some sort of mutant mosquitoes. They itch a ridiculous amount."

"Did everyone else get eaten alive?"

"No!" she said with disgust. "Apparently I was our site's sacrificial offering. Noah didn't get touched and Will's whining like a little girl about a few he got on his ankles."

"Ankles are crappy places for bites," Elliot agreed.

"Boo-hoo," she said. "Camping was definitely invented by masochists. Hanging out with bugs all day. Picking dirty and bugs and ash out of your food. Feeding children gross amounts of sugar just before they go to bed. Having to sleep on the ground – protected by a piece of vinyl."

Elliot shrugged. "Wow. Good thing you didn't ever go the Army route, Miss Priss. That's just camping. Character building."

"Back breaking. Between the rocks Will decided to pitch the tent on and Noah flailing all over me all night – I don't think I'm going to be able to stand up straight for at least a week."

"You looked fine walking here," he offered.

"We just better not have to go chasing after any assholes this week. Those fuckers run and they might just get shot," she said, and then nodded her thanks to the waitress who put a bowl of oatmeal in front of her.

Elliot nodded too as his massive plate of eggs, a double-order of sausages, hash browns and toast was set at his place.

He looked at her and her breakfast. "I don't understand eating oatmeal when it's 8 a.m. and already 88 degrees outside with 67 per cent humidity."

She glanced at him. "I don't understand how you clog your arteries with that crap on a regular basis and you've still managed to avoid obesity accompanied by the mid-career heart attack," she said, but then added, "So far."

"Ha, ha," he said, and set about adding a pool of ketchup to his eggs.

"That's disgusting," she commented.

"Says the woman eating a bowl of baby spit-up," he said and purposely put a big chunk of sausage in his mouth and chewed. "Mmm, you should've got some real food."

"This is real food," she showed him the spoon. "We'll see who has to run out and get something on break. Hint: It's not going to be me."

"This some sort of wedding dress diet," he teased.

She snorted. "No, this is me, not liking grease in the morning. You have no idea what's in that sausage."

"Will's making you a little too crunchy-granola. You should watch that. Unattractive," he said.

"To you," she said. "I won't lose much sleep over that."

"Mmm," he said, and worked at gobbing his hash browns into the ketchup. "How is the wedding planning going anyways?"

She shrugged. "Going."

He snorted. "You're such an organized bride-to-be."

She waved her hand in disgust. "Whatever. Who has time for any of that crap?"

"So very romantic."

"We're keeping it simple," she told him sternly.

He rolled his eyes. "Meaning you'll let people know it's happening the day before?"

She glared at him. "Not quite. Just hold your horses. You'll get your little invitation soon so you'll have lots of time to run out and pick your outfit and look all pretty."

"Do you have a date yet?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"Care to share?"

"If you're going to keep getting into my wedding business you might as well be my maid of honour," she said, with what was a tone that he clearly felt dripped with sarcasm, because he snorted at the joke. "I'm serious, El. Who the hell else do I have to ask?"

He glanced at her for a moment – a forkful of eggs hanging in the air part way to his mouth. But then a smile grew across his face and he pretended to fluff at his hair with his other hand. "What colour's my dress?"

She allowed a little smile and went back to examining her cereal.

"I'd be honoured, Liv," he told her.

She shrugged. "Good – because I wasn't planning on giving you much of a choice."

He snorted and shook his head at her. "Who's Will's best man?"

"His brother."

"The loud mouth?"

She shook her head. "No. He asked Rob."

"And the other one will be a groom's man?"

"Apparently not," she shrugged.

"Ooh. Risky business."

"He doesn't seem to think so. His problem."

He snorted at that and put some more food into his mouth. "So what's a maid of honour do? Besides stand there – and sign the marriage licence for you?"

She shook her head again. "You aren't likely going to have to do that even – you just have to show up. Wear the tie colour I tell you to."

He raised his eyebrow. "No marriage licence? This really is a sham wedding?"

She rolled her eyes. "We have our hearing in family court in a few weeks. We're going down to City Hall before then – to build our case and just hopefully get this paperwork through so we don't have to think about it anymore; so we don't have to re-file in another year."

He looked at her. "Really?"

She nodded.

"So within a month – you're going to be Mrs. McTeague?"

"That's not happening," she said defensively.

He laughed. "Exciting stuff, Liv."

She shrugged.

"That cold feet?"

"Filling out paperwork isn't that exciting, Elliot," she offered.

"Why didn't you just do your little ceremony and reception thing now? Why do it at all?"

"Because we want to include Noah and Will's family. Because there's people that I'd like to have there too," she looked at him. "Because we want to do it outside - and who the hell wants to spend anytime outside in this weather?"

"Well, you still need witnesses for City Hall," he offered in a sideways sort of way.

She shook her head. "We're going to have to spend enough time sitting there in a line – we aren't going to make other people take time off work for that. We'll figure it out."

"So practical, Olivia Benson," he offered.

She just shrugged again. "Casual. That's what we're going for."

"There's a girly girl somewhere in there. I've seen glimpses of her."

"Whatever," she said and sipped at her coffee.

"So, seriously, what are my responsibilities? Aren't maids of honour supposed to be the wedding's go-to saviour? I get to help pick out your dress, right?" He teased. "I think Will will like my input there a lot. I have some suggestions already."

"Fuck off, El," she glared.

He shrugged. "I get to throw your bachelorette, right?"

"Mmm," she considered that as she swallowed another gulp of her caffeine. "I don't know I need a party – but I might not protest if I got saved from mommy duty for a night and taken out with other people paying for my drinks."

"You like mommy duty," he said.

"I also like free drinks – in a cop dive bar," she said.

"Now that sounds like after-work drinks on a rough day."

"Sounds like a party to me."

He laughed. "You really do need to get out more before you get hitched, if that sounds like a party."

"Going out ended with Noah."

"Another reason you need a bachelorette. This is going to be fun," he said, looking back to his plate, but she could see the wheels turning.

"If you embarrass me …"

"You clearly haven't been to many bachelorettes, if you need to say that. Don't worry, I won't get you strippers. I'm a father of daughters. And, I don't think most of the attendees would appreciate the kind you'd prefer anyways."

"It's not their party," she said – even though strippers were far from her thing.

"It's going to be a sausage fest anyways. We don't need it all hanging out on display."

"You always manage to say something that disgusts me – on a daily basis," she shook her head at him.

"This might be a new record – it's barely 8:30, we've only been together about 45 minutes."

"Good job, El. Congrats."


	139. Chapter 139

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will sighed at the sales clerk behind the counter.

"Can you give us a couple minutes, please?" He said to the guy, who nodded and put the two rings that were sitting out back under the locked glass – but still within view – before he walked further down the counter to give them some space.

He looked at Liv again. She was still looking through the glass, and sort of leaning and tapping on it with her one hand, despite them having been moved away from her being able to touch them.

"What's the problem?" Will asked. "You liked the one at the other place better?"

They'd been in and out of five jewelers in the past week or so - when she managed to get out of work at a normal hour and he was able to meet up with her to do some looking around and errands before they had to go and retrieve Noah from day camp. But it had reached the point that to him everything they were looking at looked nearly exactly the same. He probably would've been happy comparing the choice of wedding bands at two jewelers and with some online Googling. Liv seemed to be taking the decision more seriously and even though she'd seen things she liked – they were still going in and out of the stores. He was starting to think she wasn't ever going to just pick something.

She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "We can't afford any of this right now," she said flatly.

He groaned and looked at the ceiling. "OK. You aren't supposed to be asking about prices – or even thinking about them, Liv. Just … pick something you like."

"We should just use something we already have. Or go to a pawn shop or … something," she said.

He gaped at her. "Yeah, why don't we just go out to Jersey and take a look around the WalMart while we're at it? Liv, we aren't getting used wedding bands. I'm buying you a ring."

"They're both over $2,000, Will," she sighed at him. "That's … about 10 days of treatment for Noah."

"Liv, we're standing in an independent jeweler in New York City. Two-thousand dollars isn't exactly like you're picking out something high-end here. And it's something that you're technically supposed to be wearing for the rest of your life. So I think 10 days of life-saving treatment versus a lifetime of use – is vaguely comparable when it comes to this."

"Not for a piece of jewelry," she said.

"Liv, it's not just a piece of jewelry, it's our wedding bands. Please, stop worrying about the cost and just pick something you like. It's coming out of my account – so just don't worry about it."

"It doesn't matter who's account it's coming out of, it's still a lot of money. The ones you've been looking at are like $600," she told him.

"Because men's bands are cheaper – like underwear. It's just the way it is."

She shook her head at him, and tried to hide her smile at his ridiculous and almost insulting flippant comparison. But she looked through the glass some more.

"Look, Liv, I respect your wishes about me not spending money on you. I don't get you extravagant things on birthdays and Christmas. But this is one area you don't get to argue with me about it – OK? I get to spend money on this."

"This blows our whole wedding budget," she mumbled.

"No, it doesn't," he told her. "This is separate from the wedding budget, OK? This is my money, my purchase, my savings." He put up his hand before she could protest again. "I want to spend my money on this. I've put some money away with each pay cheque. It's fine."

"You're still paying off the engagement ring," she sighed.

He shrugged. "I wanted to spend money on that too – and that didn't go on a credit card, Liv. Not that it's any of your business. But it's paid for – before you even said yes – it was all paid up. And it was worth every penny. This is just the way this goes – stop fighting with me about it and just pick the one you want. If it's not one of them – we'll go back to the other store, or we'll go to another store, if you really think we're going to see something else somewhere else."

"We shouldn't be spending money like this," she said. "We're in so much debt as it is."

He ignored her and put his elbows on the glass and looked down at the two rings she'd been looking at in the store.

"I think I like that one better," he said, glancing at her and tapping on the glass just to the right of the two.

She gave him a little smile and shrug. "Yeah, me too."

"I think it's very you. Simple but unique," he said of the thin pave ring with the tiny rose-cut diamonds along the delicate band. "It matches the engagement ring like you want?"

She nodded. Even though he'd been going into the stores with her on their hunt – he'd proven kind of clueless. It actually made her wonder how he managed to pick out such a beautiful engagement ring at all. She figured some clerk had latched onto him and the potential commission and offered him a lot of help after Will described what he generally wanted. She imagined he was probably just as flustered at picking it as she felt now having to decide what to do.

"I think so. It's the same cut of diamonds. The band's a similar shape."

"Think it's the one?"

She leaned down on the counter with him and looked at it again through the glass.

"What are you going to get?" She asked.

He shrugged. "I was kind of waiting to see what you got before I picked something."

"Yours doesn't have to be the same," she told him.

"I want it to be sort of similar," he said.

She nodded. "That one you were looking at …"

He nodded. "Yeah, if this is what you're getting, I'm pretty sure that's the one for me."

She looked through the glass again - thinking. He could feel the clerk gazing at them and clearly not overly happy they were not only taking so long – but that they were getting smears all over the countertop from their arms. Will didn't much care and kept his attention on Olivia and her mauling over the decision like it was some sort of monumental decision she was having to make in her life. He supposed that was sort of flattering – but he didn't want her to be stressed out about it. Picking the wedding bands was supposed to be kind of fun. Though, the fun factor for him had kind of diminished after about the third store that week.

"So what you think, there, babe, going to take the plunge?"

She sighed and shook her head – but gave him a smile. "OK. Let's do it."

He leaned in and gave her a little kiss. They way she willing returned it in a public venue, he knew they'd likely be following up on it after they got home and managed to get through dinner and Noah to bed – even though they broke off within a couple seconds there.

He gave her a grin and then waved over at the clerk. "OK. We're good to go," he said as the guy walked back over to them.


	140. Chapter 140

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She kept lifting the plug of the tub with her toes and letting the water drain a bit before leaning forward and turning the cold water on to hit them from the showerhead for a few minutes.

It had been so bloody hot out that day. She loved the sunny days of the summer – but when the humidity hung in the city on a particularly bad year, she found herself wondering why the hell she lived in the city. Usually she didn't get the appeal of battling traffic to even go out to an overpriced rental in the Hamptons on the weekend – but this summer she could see the reasoning.

There was nothing she wanted more after she crawled home after work than to be somewhere where she could just cool down. They'd been ending up at various community pools and splash-pads around their area on the nights Noah felt up to it and didn't have Tball. On the nights that wasn't an option, she was finding refuge under the showerhead and in the tub. Fuck, the water-usage warnings and all the brown-outs that were going on, she thought. It was unbearable. She'd about trade her right arm for a weekend with the ocean breeze and the salt water to cool down in, she thought.

"So you feel any different?" Will asked as she settled back against him.

"Mmm, I'm starting to feel more human," she muttered, lacing her fingers with his again and letting their joint hands settle just above her pelvis.

She could feel him smile against her. "That's not what I meant," he said softly into her ear and gave her a small kiss there.

"Oh," she realized a little embarrassed, and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder.

But that's the kind of day it had been. Really outside of a few minutes in the morning, it had been entirely routine, mundane, and just sticky, muggy and gross. That was about all she could think about.

"Sorry," she smiled and then paused to think about it. "Mmm, I don't think so. Am I supposed to?"

He kissed her temple. "I don't know. Technically you're my wife now," he told her and wrapped his arms a bit tighter around her.

"Don't sound so possessive about it," she warned him.

"I am possessive about it. You're mine and you're stuck with me now."

"No, now you're just harder to get rid of," she teased him back. "So you better be nice - or else I know all the tricks and loopholes to make a clean break. I have connections, you know?"

She felt him give a small laugh – that rippled down her back a bit.

"Do you feel different?" She asked.

"Nah, not really," he said.

It was hard to feel like much had changed when they'd really just treated it like the annoyance of having to go into City Hall and fill out any other type of borough forms.

She'd managed to slip out of work early on Monday to just get into the building's marriage bureau ahead of the 3:15 p.m. deadline so they could fill out the paperwork for their marriage licence. They'd still ended up standing in a line for almost 45 minutes. Bureaucracy pissed her off.

But it had given them opportunity to scope out the line for coming back in 24 hours to have the thing witnessed and checked in front of the city clerk. She'd quickly decided there was no way they were going to come back and waste a whole day standing in another line for some sort of two-minute horse-and-pony show that neither of them felt was necessary. So instead, she'd used their time in line making telephone calls.

She'd tried Casey first – thinking she'd developed a soft-spot, if not a school-girl crush on Will – so she might be helpful. But she was one of the New Yorkers who had the good sense to escape the stifling smog and concrete of the city in early August and was off at some family summer house somewhere in the Hamptons for a week's holidays. It made her hate the ADA a tad. So she'd ended up on the phone with Alex instead.

Between phone calls, Will had informed her that her attitude about the line and her telephone conversations were being a bit of a buzz kill for the other happy couples. She had glanced around – but had decided that she didn't much care. The people in front of them looked about 18 and pregnant and the people behind them looked – and smelled - liked they'd just rolled in from some sort of Goth music festival. There were some people that had clearly taken the whole process a bit more seriously and where loitering around in suits and wedding gowns – but they were far enough way that she didn't think she was stomping on their special day. They were also in a separate line to go in and do their little ceremonies and had clearly invested more time from their day to the activity – arriving significantly earlier than 3:14.

"Hey," she'd just said when Alex finally picked up her cell. "I need five minutes in front of any judge that's a registered marriage officiant."

There'd been a long silence. "Umm … why?" Alex eventually managed to get out.

"I think that one's self-explanatory, Alex," she'd said.

"I thought you were getting married in … didn't you say October?"

"We're doing the reception in October. We'll do some sort of … ceremony thing then too. But we're in a ridiculous line to get the marriage licence at City Hall now."

"Tell her I went to Harvard too, if that helps," Will suggested.

She rolled her eyes at him – and continued with her conversation.

"Seriously," he' d said. "Or a judge that went to Harvard."

"Will says to tell you he went to Harvard," she told Alex.

"Umm … go Crimson," she offered.

"She says 'Go Crimson'," Liv told him.

"So she knows a judge that went to Harvard?"

"He wants to know if there's a judge who's a Harvard grad that might be able to make time for us?"

"Ah … maybe. Why are you doing this now again?"

"The stuff with Noah – the parental rights termination petition and the adoption paperwork. We just want to get this done before our hearing."

"You think having a couple weeks of Holy Matrimony is going to help your case?"

She shrugged. "You never know. Will wants to get hitched now anyways. I'm sick of hearing about it." She slapped him in his chest and gave him a smile and he returned a faux-pained look.

"That sounds like a good foundation to start a marriage on," Alex had commented. "Ah … so when are you looking at wanting to do this?"

"Tomorrow morning," she suggested.

"Isn't there a 24-hour waiting period?"

"Can't the judge sign the waiting-period waiver too?" She asked.

"Or you could get married on Wednesday instead and save everyone some headaches," Alex suggested.

"If they can sign the waiver – tomorrow, otherwise Wednesday is fine."

"And it has to be the morning?"

"Earlier the better," she'd said. "We've got work."

"You're going to go to work after you get married?" Alex's voice was starting to sound more confused.

"That's the plan."

"Is that your idea or his?"

"Mine."

"And he's marrying you because?" She asked.

"He's desperate."

"And she has amazing legs and a great ass," Will added rather loudly from the peanut gallery. "The sex is pretty awesome too."

Liv saw the Goth couple perk up at that comment and stared more obviously at them – so she slapped Will in the stomach a bit harder.

"Did he just say what I think he said while you are standing in public waiting to get your marriage licence?" Alex asked.

"He's just being an ass," Liv commented. "We're working at being the entertainment for the rest of the line."

"It sounds like you're doing a good job," Alex said. "He realizes you're a sex crimes cop?"

"I've brought that to his attention," she said and elbowed at Will a bit more.

"And you let him talk to you like that?"

Liv shook her head and looked at the ceiling. Alex had only met Will about twice and both in extremely passing situations. She didn't think she cared much for him – but she also didn't know him. She actually just generally thought that Alex didn't really care for the fact she was in a relationship. She got of got the impression that Alex might feel she'd betrayed some sort of professional women's code of conduct – by allowing herself to find a man and fall in love while still doing the job.

Their friendship had become less close over the years – not like what it had been before the ADA had been placed in witness protection. But Olivia blamed that partly on her having had Noah. She just had less time for other people in some ways since Noah had been born – her life couldn't just be the job anymore. That was kind of the point – she didn't want it to be. Still, with her having a baby and those outside responsibilities, it had seemed like they had less and less in common and like Alex had more and more difficulty relating to her.

She suspected there might be a touch of jealousy involved in the strained relationship now too. Olivia knew that before she had Noah – and before she'd met Will too – there would be times she'd look at other women her age with children and husbands and feel twinges of jealousy and remorse that she didn't have that in her life, no matter how much she told herself she was married to her job and that's where her priorities were at. With Alex pushing into her 40s now too, she knew she was likely re-examining her life yet again and feeling her biological clock ticking. It likely all had her wondering if she was headed where she really wanted and if she'd made the right choices in terms of her personal happiness versus her career. Liv had been there. She still struggled with it – no matter how happy her little boy and now Will made her.

"He thinks he's being funny. He doesn't usually talk to me like that. It's OK," Liv sighed into the phone and glared at Will. "So do you think you can help us out?"

"Ah … well … give me some time to make a few phone calls and I'll see what I can do," she sighed heavily. "You've got your witness and the rest of the paperwork all in order?"

"Want to be our witness?" Liv offered.

"Oh, sure, why not? It sounds like a real party you guys have going on there."

"Great. I'll make sure we seat you at a nice table at the reception – no Munch," she said.

"Even better, sign me up," she said, sounding like she was at least perking up a bit to the whole thing. "OK, I'll give you a call back when I get some more information for you. Don't amuse the line too much – or security might be escorting you out."

But in the end, and with it being that late in the business day on Monday, Alex hadn't managed to line anything up for them for Tuesday morning but they'd met her and gone into Judge Lena Petrovsky's office bright and early on Wednesday. There'd been a small amount of awkward chit-chat and then all four of them had signed on the various lines after the judge had looked over their IDs and paperwork. Petrovsky had asked if they wanted to exchange vows or rings and they'd, again, awkwardly declined. But had still left her chambers as husband and wife.

But that was about as exciting as their day got. Will had given her a brief kiss as they left City Hall – but they'd both declined an invitation from Alex to buy them breakfast – and they'd all gone their separate ways. The day at work had been such a gong-show that she honestly hadn't had much time to think about the fact they'd just gotten marriage – technically. And by the time she got home, she was tired, hot and grouchy.

Will had only made up a salad and grilled some chicken breasts to throw on top of it for dinner, declaring it was too hot to cook or to even want to eat. She agreed with him for the most part. Noah had been just as tired and grouchy from the heat and the humidity as her. So even though Tball practice had decided to go ahead that night, she'd decided she wasn't taking her son's frail body back into the cloud of smog and the 20-year-record heat that was outside their front door.

She'd been foolish enough to decide that she was going to go out for a run, though. Only because Will had gotten wind of the Cop Charity Dash while gazing at one of the bulletin boards near the break room the last time he was into the precinct. It was coming up quickly and she really hadn't been putting in many miles in her runners with the weather that summer. She couldn't drag herself out of bed at 4 a.m. like Will to try to beat the heat – but never the humidity. She was an evening jogger – and that just wasn't happening lately. A 5K charity race wasn't a big deal for her – it should've been easy. But Will thinking it would be fun to do the handcuffed race made it slightly more annoying. She didn't want to be dragged through the whole race. So she'd changed and said she'd be back in about 40 minutes to an hour and he'd started fussing and forced his hydration belt on her. Only then she couldn't get the thing adjusted properly and had gotten frustrated and he'd had to stand over her fixing it for her like she was some child.

She'd decided less than a kilometre into the run that going out in those temperatures and humidity had been a less than stellar idea. But she wasn't going to give Will the satisfaction of returning home. So she'd gutted it out and come back looking like a sweaty drowned rat. He'd watched her as she'd come in the door and she'd shaken her head and said rather sternly, "Not a word." He'd just smiled and almost laughed – and watched her more as she made her way to the kitchen an went through about two-thirds of the chilled filtered water they had in a jug in the fridge.

She didn't even get a chance to shower or change – because Noah had been at her near instantly and it was almost time to get into bedtime routine. So the fun and games of getting him to settle – playing Lego, cleaning up his toys off the floor, dragging him to the bathroom and starting the shower for him, sitting on the toilet and listening to him chat at her about his day at camp through the curtain, helping him dry off and making sure his scalp and port weren't left damp, forcing him to brush his teeth, trying to get him to take his pills, him refusing to take his pills, her bribing him to take his chemo with the promise of an extra picture book, crawling into Noah's bed with her on one side and Will on the other to go through what had become the standard nightly affair of two picture books and a chapter from their latest novel, followed by whining that usually resulted in him getting another chapter out of the novel – depending on how tired and grouchy she was on a given evening or how much of a lead Will was taking in bedtime (Noah always won when Will was doing bedtime), and then she was finally able to really tuck him in and flick off the lights. She near instantly headed upstairs to their bathroom to get showered and changed. She couldn't stand the feel of the damp clothes sticking to her body and she didn't know how any of them were standing how she must've smelt.

She must've stayed under the cold water longer than she thought, though because Will had eventually come in and asked, "Is it only cold water left in there?"

"Mmm, it was always cold water," she'd told him. "Hot is not necessary today."

"You've been in there so long the city is going to come around and turn off our water soon – to preserve it for the rest of the island," he'd said and then opened the curtain and got in too.

"Fuck that is cold," he'd added as soon as he got in and wrapped his arms around himself. "What the hell, Liv? You trying to do a polar bear swim?"

"It feels nice," she'd said, keeping her back to him and still letting the water trail down her hair.

"It feels like my manhood is trying to crawl back inside me," he'd said.

She'd glanced behind her and checked out the situation and gave him a little smile – before turning back around.

"Well, thank you for restraining yourself from commenting," he said.

"I didn't need to. You seem pretty self-aware of the situation."

"So come warm me up," he suggested.

"Mmm," she ran her hands through her hair some more. "Noah can't be asleep yet. You shouldn't even be in here."

"Liv, you've been in here like 20 minutes. He's flaked out. I checked before I came up."

She glanced over her shoulder at him again. "Really? 20 minutes?"

He nodded.

"God, I still feel like the grim of the day is sticking to me. That was disgusting out today. I can't do much more of this weather. This summer is gross – a complete write off."

"You're looking nice and tanned, though," he commented, kissing her shoulder.

"I'm still getting the gross off me, Will. I'm not doing shower sex."

He rolled his eyes. "One kiss on your shoulder isn't gunning for shower sex."

"Mmm," she'd just said and still stayed under the spray. Though she'd eventually turned around and let him tease her about what the cold had done to her nipples – though she'd quickly pointed out that it was having the same effect on his. Still, she'd finally allowed him to kiss her and it was nice. Though as they continued their touching, she eventually got sick of standing and they'd settled into a tub of cool water and cuddling – while she started her intermittent ritual of draining the water and refilling it with the cold from the shower head.

"So when do you think we'll start to feel different?" Will had asked.

She shrugged against him. "I don't know. Maybe this is just us. You can only get so excited about signing a piece of paperwork, Will."

"Or you just aren't very excitable."

She back up at him and gave him a smile. "I'm not very excitable."

He kissed her neck. "I've noticed," he mumbled against her before he started to use his tongue with his lips. She made a little sigh and rubbed at his cheek and his ear as he played there. His one hand started to move up to her breast – his fingers trailing lightly up her exposed belly.

"Mommy," Noah called at exactly the moment his hand cupped her.

She groaned with some annoyance and hit her head against his shoulder, while sinking further down into the tub.

"Maybe if we ignore him, he'll go away," Will suggested.

She snorted a laugh and gave him a little smile. "Fat chance."

"Mommy," her son's voice came again – now clearly nearing the top of the stairs, and then moments later peaking through the crack in the door, where they'd left it open so they could hear him if he stirred.

"Mommy, my nose is bleeding and I'm sweaty," he told her through the crack. She could see his little eye darting around. "Is Will in there too?"

"Yep, bud," Will answered.

"Why?"

"We're conserving water," he said.

Liv sighed at him. "Go sit on the bed, sweets," she told her son. "I'll be out in just a second. I just need to dry off."

She saw Noah hesitate but then his disappeared out of sight.

"My chances of consummating this marriage tonight just died, didn't they?" Will commented, as she ran the cool water up and down her arms one more time and wringed out her hair.

"Guess we'll have to see what's wrong with him – and what time it is."

Will hung his hand above his head and looked at his watch. "Holy Fuck. It is almost 11. We are into his witching hour. Here, I'll get out and take care of it," he offered.

She shook her head and started to rise. "I told him I was. I need to get out anyways. I'm starting to turn into a prune." She showed him her hands.

He snorted. "That's pretty bad."

She nodded and ran a towel up and down her body quickly as he gazed at her - before wrapping in around her and walking out into the bedroom area. It felt muggy in the room – and Noah was laying sprawled out on their bed looking like a piece of road kill.

She walked over to him and switched on the bedside light. He did have a nosebleed and had managed to smear it all over her pillow and by the looks of it the duvet too.

"Oh, sweets," she sighed, and smoothed down the few strands of fine, sweaty blond hair that was just starting to faintly grow back on his head again - and she then reached down and checked forehead for a fever. He didn't necessarily feel feverish per se to the touch, but he was definitely all clammy.

"It's so hot, Mommy," he whined.

She nodded. "I know, sweetheart. Air conditioning doesn't work very well in old homes like this – especially when it's so icky outside."

She ran her hand down his cheek, which still had trails of sweat dripping down it and she tested his PJs, which also felt damp.

"Did you pee, sweetheart? Or is this all sweat?" She didn't smell urine but with how much water they had her son consuming along with the chemo medicine, sometimes his pee didn't really smell like pee at all anymore. He literally might as well have just been pissing out watered-down chemo meds.

"I don't know," he whined again.

"Do you have to pee now?"

He nodded.

"Go pee and have Will help you wash off your nosebleed while I put on my pajamas, OK?"

Noah slowly got up and she helped pull him to a sitting position and then he stumbled back towards their bathroom.

"He's coming in," she called at Will. "Help him wash his face. I'm getting changed."

She wasn't sure how much time Will got between the call and Noah pushing the door open – but she could hear him talking casually to her son, so she pulled on some clean sleep clothes and followed after him.

Will was sitting on the edge of the tub in his boxer briefs and wiping at Noah's blood caked face with a washcloth.

"This one was a good one, bud," Will was telling him.

"It's hot," Noah whined again and Will just nodded.

She watched them for a moment and then raised Noah's arms to pull his soaking shirt off him and tossed it into the laundry hamper by the sink.

"Just sleep in your shorts tonight, like Daddy," she told him. "We'll go downstairs and get you some dry ones."

"You want to put him in our cold water?" Will said.

She shook her head. "I'm going to run him a fresh one downstairs and put him in for a few minutes. Can you change his bed and check to see if the air conditioner is actually working? It does feel a little humid in our bedroom."

He nodded. "Slumber party in the basement? That's what we used to do when I was a kid on the hot days."

She shrugged. "We'll see. Let's just get him cooled down. Check his temperature."

Will nodded and stood, hoisting Noah up onto his hip.

"Oh, his shorts are wet," he told her.

"I know," she mouthed.

"Did you wet your bed, Noah?" He asked the boy – but Noah just shook his head and rested it on his daddy's shoulder.

She rubbed his back. "I think he may just be really hot, clammy and sweaty. I hope."

"Another ER trip," he commented quietly, raising his eyebrow at her – but heard Noah and shook his head vehemently against him.

Liv offered no comment – but gave him a look that confirmed that that might be the case.

"And this is why we feel the same," Will said.

She snorted. "And now you're stuck with it."

He leaned in a gave her a small kiss on the cheek before leaving the room and carrying Noah down the stairs for her. "I love it," he told her. "Wouldn't trade it."

**And, that folks, will likely be the last update on this one until into next week. There may be a couple shorties for some of the others in this series, though. Lots more coming up here, though, as we work towards wrapping it up. Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated - via reviews or PM**


	141. Chapter 141

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She wasn't even trying to pretend she was watching TV or anything else when he got to the bottom of the stairs and found her sitting off in her usual corner of the couch. But she did glance at him and wipe at her eyes – so he sighed and walked over to sit next to her.

"Hey," he said to her as he lowered himself next to her, lifting her feet off the cushion and setting them on his lap. They were cold and almost clammy feeling, so he started to rub them. She just offered him a sad small smile with no response, beyond trying to wipe away the tears more in an effort to hide from him that she'd been sitting down there alone and crying. Things like that just almost made him want to come down in tears too.

It hadn't been a good day. He knew she was upset but he hadn't realized quite as upset as she now appeared to be.

At Noah's Tball game, at the end of the game a couple of the little boys on his team had decided to be silly but had come off as cruel. Some of the kids had some how already discovered that it would be particularly gross to spit on their hands before going through the victory line to slap the other team's hands. Thankfully Noah wasn't a participant but some of his own teammates decided it would be funny to rub their spit-y hands on him after and declare it was "cancer cooties". One little boy had made a point to tell him that now he'd miss more games because the cooties would make him sick and die. They'd seen it from the stands but hadn't completely realized what was going on other than four kids crowding around him for a few moments. But Noah had come running off the field and to Olivia in tears and begging for the sanitizer.

It'd created a bit of a scene with the other parents sitting around them – and after Noah had managed to sputter out what had happened, Will had gone over to talk to the coach while Olivia tried to calm him and assure him he wasn't going to get sick and die from the boys' spit. But he could see her fuming at that point and as they made their way home – she was already talking about calling into the league office in the morning and after Noah was in bed she had speculated on just pulling Noah out for the rest of the season.

The boy had missed so much of the season as it was that it really had made him a bit of a mark with the other kids and they hadn't really bonded to him. Some of the parents had even seemed to resent the fact they were being allowed to take up a space on the team. Though there had been moments of joy and normalcy in Noah getting to play Tball, it had also been a challenge in terms of available time and his health and that had meant in some ways it hadn't been a lot of fun.

It had just been a rough cap to the day. Noah had had an appointment with his oncologist in the afternoon to deliver the news that after a long series of repeated tests, they'd finally determined he did have a 6-MP sensitivity. It meant that his monitoring would have to be increased – especially of his liver. But it also meant he'd be continued on the drug for the remainder of his treatment at a lower dosage and that every month they'd be putting him on a one-week hold as the chemo toxicity built up in his system – giving his body a chance to recover. So his treatment would likely be dragging on for months longer than anticipated and the number of hospital visits would likely be increasing.

Though they were glad to finally have some answers about what was going on – calming their concerns that they might soon be talking about a relapse in their son – Olivia was also struggling with knowing her son would have to be dealing with chemotherapy that much longer; that their lives would continue to be disrupted, that Noah's little body was going to have to go through more, that the concerns about his liver weren't going to disappear.

"Was he up?" Will asked, though he actually knew she'd ever even come up to bed. Her side hadn't been disturbed when he'd awoken and found himself alone and the clock reading 2 a.m. Usually she would come upstairs and at least pretend to sleep by midnight – unless something really was keeping her up. He'd known that that night it wasn't a case at work that was causing her sleeplessness.

She shrugged. "He's been up and down. He's not sleeping very well. He's still upset."

He nodded and watched her in the dim light. Even in the dark, he could see how sad she was. "You're still upset too," he commented quietly, stating the obvious.

She shook her head. "I try so hard to make things normal for him," was all she said at a near whisper.

"You do a good job," he told her – and he really did mean it.

But she shook her head more. "This isn't a normal childhood," she said but her voice broke and she wiped at her eyes more. So he pushed her feet off his lap and pulled her to him instead. She resisted for a moment but then allowed herself to bury her face into his chest and he felt her shaking against him. He rubbed her shoulders as they shook and tried to keep his own tears in his eyes. It wasn't working very well.

"I wish I could've hit a pause button," she managed to mumble against him between the tears, "on the day the doctor told me he was sick. I wish when all this is over I could still have that little four-year-old boy and that I could give him a normal childhood – that I could get to be a normal mother to a healthy, happy little boy. I still don't know why this is happening to him."

He wiped at his own eyes. "There's no why, Olivia," he told her, trying to keep his voice in check. "Maybe just … God or whatever, knew you'd be able to handle it – so that's why he's yours. Because you do know how to be a mom in all of this."

She shook her head against him. "I don't, Will. Every step of this fucking disease just seems to hurt more – and, when it's finally done with him, he'll have missed having a childhood. Knowing he's missing that hurts so much – knowing I'm missing it too."

"You're still giving him a childhood, Liv," he told her.

"Not a normal one. It's full of doctors and hospitals and tests and pain and discomfort and pills and being sick. He doesn't feel normal. He's not treated normally by other people – by other kids. He worries about things a little boy shouldn't worry about," she said and her voice cracked by a sob and she lifted her hand to wipe at her face.

"Kids being cruel and doing stupid things is unfortunately a part of childhood," he offered, though he knew it wouldn't help.

"He has no friends," she said.

"He's got us," Will tried again.

"We're his parents," she got out as another sob shook her – and she sat up and wiped desperately at her eyes. He could see how hard they were coming. "I want this to be over – I don't want to have to do it longer. I don't want him to have to do it longer."

He watched her for a moment and bit his bottom lip, trying to get his own tears under control as well and sucked up the snot that was threatening to start pouring out of his nose.

"At least …" he had to stop and try to compose himself more. "At least we've still got him, Olivia."

She looked at him. She looked so tired and broken. "And what's he going to be – who's he going to be when this is all over?"

Will felt his own tears trickle more at that and he gazed at the ceiling and shook his head before looking back to her and taking her hand. "He's still going to be Noah, Liv. He will. He's still going to be your little boy – our son. He will."

She wiped more at her face – the tears just not letting up. "And who will we be? I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's … this is hard. Watching him go through all this is so fucking hard. I just don't understand."

Her head started bobbing with her sobs again and he again shifted his weight on the couch and put his arms around her – that time she returned the gesture and he rubbed his cheek against her shoulder.

"It's going to be OK," he offered. It had become his mantra for them during all of it and even though he still believed it to be true, it was getting harder and harder to say. It might all be OK in the end – but getting to that ending wasn't anywhere near being remotely easy.

"It's not OK," she said. "My little boy shouldn't have to go through this. It's not fair."

"Mommy," came Noah's tiny and almost scared voice – and Olivia pulled away from him and wiped more furiously at her eyes. She refused to cry in front of Noah – she was his rock, his soldier.

Will glanced behind his shoulder as Olivia sat up straight again and the little boy was standing just in the hallway – steps from his bedroom door and gazing at them. He wiped at his own tears too in an effort to clear his eyes and clean his face. But Olivia was up and off the couch and walking towards her son within seconds.

"Sorry, sweets," she said in her soft mommy voice. "Did we wake you up again?"

"You're crying," Noah said.

She was at him and took his hands before crouching down and looking at him. Will knew that close to the boy – even to a six-year-old, her tear-streaked cheeks and puffy, glassy eyes must be incredibly obvious.

"Sometimes when you're hurting, Mommy hurts too," she offered.

Noah gazed at her and then touched her face. "Don't be sad, Mommy," he told her.

She gave him a weak smile – and fought hard, and failed, to keep back more tears.

"I'm trying not to be," she told him but her voice cracked and Will saw Noah wrap his arms around her neck in a hug.

"Don't be sad, Mommy," he said again.

Olivia's head bobbed in a nod.

"I love you Mommy," Noah offered.

Will heard her choke on another sob. "I know, sweetheart. I love you too. So much. To the moon and back."


	142. Chapter 142

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

He'd heard her cell ding with a text message several times over the last few hours and seen her dig the phone out of her pocket and glance at it. He'd even seen her take a few seconds to type something into the screen in response a couple times – but she hadn't given him any hint what was going on. Her lack of commentary on the matter just made him assume it wasn't work related – it was Will, and he knew she wasn't a big fan of him bothering her at work unless it was about Noah or some other kind of emergency.

They'd spent the morning at a crime scene and then had bounced between the hospital and speaking to the doctors there and then going to notify the next of kin of their comatose daughter in the afternoon. It wasn't exactly a stellar way to spend a Friday and Liv had just generally seemed more withdrawn, short tempered and distracted than usual. Still, she'd made clear that she didn't want to talk about it, so their moments of chit-chat were confined to either talking about their caseloads or him prattling on about his own home life, which she didn't seem that interested in hearing about. He got the sense lately that she really didn't like hearing about stuff going on with Eli. He understood in a way but it also kind of felt like an unfair constrain. He didn't much talk about anything going on between him and Kathy with her – and when Eli and Kathy were both removed from the topics of conversation, it kind of took them back to talking about their caseload. So that meant they'd been spending a lot of time just kind of not talking.

Her phone had actually rung while they were still with the vic's family. She'd again fished it out of her pocket and glanced at the call display. He saw her visibly make a disgruntled face about it and hit the button to silence the ringer without picking it up – a telltale sign that it again wasn't Cragen, or Fin or Munch, or Warner or TARU or anyone else work-related trying to get a hold of her. If it had been, she would've left him to finish up and excused herself to take the call.

It was pushing 6:30 p.m., though, so he figured Will was likely getting antsy about where she was and if she was going to have a weekend – especially if she hadn't let him know the case had them slammed that day. He hoped she'd seen enough of other people's mistakes – his included – that she'd know better than to just leave her family hanging and wondering if and when she'd be getting home. But she was definitely having an off week. Her attitude just wasn't on mark.

"You called Will to let him know you're running late?" He tried to ask casually as they finally left the couple's fancy penthouse on the Upper East Side.

She shot him a glare, like he really shouldn't be policing her business or checking in on how she conducted herself in a relationship, but she did allow, "He got a text."

So he just nodded and left it – tossing the keys at her as they neared the sedan. She looked at him kind of surprised. He supposed that he had been doing most of the driving that week and letting her stare angrily out the window. But he needed the time to make his own calls home to say he would be running later than he had thought – and he just generally needed a break from having the gloom-and-doom roll off her from next to him. At least if she was driving, she could direct the negativity to the congested traffic.

"You're coming back to the precinct aren't you? Or were you just going to head across town?"

She sighed. "Yeah. Brief Cragen. Fill out some Fives."

He nodded and got into the passenger side of the car, letting her go about adjusting the seat and mirrors the way she wanted them from the driver's seat. She always fiddled with it longer than necessary, he thought. But she finally pulled the car away from the curb and got in line with the rest of the traffic. At least with the time of day it was the worst of the rush-hour had diminished. It hopefully wouldn't be that painful of drive back down to the station house.

His phone rang before he even had a chance to get to calling his family – and he took it out of his pocket, figuring that Kathy had grown tired of holding dinner for him too and was calling to bitch at him. Instead, he saw Will's name on the display and glanced at her before answering.

"Hi Will," he said, as he picked up, eyeing her from his seat and keeping his eyes there. She looked at him and rolled her own eyes and shook her head. She stuck out her hand and gestured for him to give her the phone, but he ignored it.

"Yeah, I'm with her," Elliot confirmed. "We are actually just headed back to the station now. Mmm. Paperwork. Yeah. We've been out of the squad all day working on a case."

Liv looked visibly pissed he was speaking to Will but he just let her fume. He figured letting the two of them have their little moments of diatonically opposite meltdowns might save them from ripping into each other later in the evening. Because with each phone ding, he'd estimated Will's chances of having his head bit off when she got home had been increasing. He didn't get the sense everything was happy-happy-joy-joy in their household at the moment.

"I'm not sure why she hasn't been answering her phone. Well, we've been in a lot of interviews this afternoon. Ah. Yeah. No. I don't think it will eat up her weekend. Well, I'm not planning on working it this weekend – I don't know about her. The captain will have the final say. OK. I'll let her know."

He watched her for a moment, as he flipped his phone shut. He refused to adopt the smartphone like her. They wanted to hand him a tablet to take out in the field, fine, he'd figure out how to use that. They wanted him to use all the new technology in the squad room – fine, he'd adjusted to that. But he was happy with a phone still just being a phone. Programming his speed dial was enough of an ordeal. He'd let Liv figure out and use all the smartphone crap on hers when they needed it.

She seemed to eat it up. He wasn't sure if their age difference really made that much of a difference that she'd seemed to have adapted to it more readily, if it was the fact that she lived in Manhattan and really was a bit more of the city stereotype than he would ever want to be, or if it was that she'd known Will too long. But either way, she seemed way more committed to getting a hold of an iPhone when the department started using them than he thought he'd ever be. He kind of hoped he'd be allowed to keep his old piece of crap until he was ready to head for the door, though he was getting the impression that his lack of integration was starting to be noticed and he'd be having to get used to the technology soon. Hell, even Fin had decided to switch to the iPhone when he'd be given the chance. If they could get Munch to accept one, his arguments would be shot at staying with the old model.

"That was inappropriate," she commented. "Him and you."

"He's just wondering what's going on," he told her.

She shook her head. "He just doesn't get it sometimes," she said in her annoyed voice.

"Cut the guy some slack, Olivia," he said. "It's a hard job to keep up a relationship in – and you aren't exactly a ray of sunshine a lot of the time either."

She shot him another look. "He knew what he was getting into. He should've thought of that before."

"Well, don't give him reasons to rethink it," he told her a bit more forcibly than he likely should've and he saw her recoil a bit, though she kept her mouth shut.

Elliot rubbed at the bridge of his nose.

"Anyways, he and Noah have been at the squad room waiting for you for the last while," he ventured. "The kid is hungry – they're going out to get food. They'll be back. Don't leave without them. And – he apparently is trying to take you away for the weekend. So if you think you'll be working now – he'd appreciate if you could give him a call, because he wants to try to get a refund on the hotel or something."

She glanced away from the road again met his eyes for a moment – before shaking her head again and looking back at the traffic.

"He just really doesn't get it," she said again.

"Well, I think it was supposed to be a surprise," Elliot tried.

He was glad his partner had found someone. But even though he knew his partner was a good person – and that there were few men, himself included, who wouldn't find her attractive. Still, he didn't necessarily envy Will. Olivia could be a bit much to deal with sometimes. She was moody and could be down-right bitchy. She was opinionated and when she thought she was right, she wouldn't stand-down easily, even if she was actually wrong. Then she had her own issues and insecurity and self-loathing, that she seemed to think she kept hidden, but to him at least was all too visible a lot of the time. He knew it balanced out with her other qualities – her caring, her empathy, her integrity, her intelligence and her just general sarcasm and quick wit that gave glimpses of the fact she really was a funny person in her outside life. But on week's like this where he felt like he was dealing with one of those weeks when he had his three daughters and wife all at home and all PMSing at the same time and just grumbling and bitching and sulking around with a cloud of grey over their heads – those days, he felt a little sorry for Will having to be one putting up with it all at home.

Still, he supposed that was true for most people – everyone could be a bit much to deal with from time to time. He didn't doubt she felt the same way about him. Actually, she'd made clear on no uncertain terms that she felt the same way about him and thought he should really cut Kathy some slack for all she put up with from him too.

"Dinner is a surprise, flowers are a surprise – dropping something into my schedule without even letting me know when I work a job like this is idiotic," she huffed.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "The guy is trying, Liv. That counts for something."

"A weekend away? Did he say where?" She demanded and then mumbled, "This better not be this fucking Boston trip he's been pushing."

"No, he just said he wanted to call the hotel if you were going to be working all weekend now. And, you shouldn't be working all weekend. The girl's comatose, we have no victim statement, Warner's people won't have anything for us until Monday at the earliest. If something comes up on the case, I'll take the call. Will might be right about you needing a weekend away."

She gave him a deadly glare even though it was short lived with her driving. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Your anger is pretty thinly veiled there, Olivia," he told her. "Cragen had to pull you out of an interrogation room twice this week. You were pretty stand-offish with the doctors at the hospital today too – and you weren't exactly on mark with the family either."

"Ah, so when you go rage-o-holic, it's OK but when I get sick of the BS, it's some kind of problem?"

He shook his head and looked out the window. "OK. I'm shutting up now. It's your relationship – I'm sure you've got it under control. If you want to keep the piss-factor over on your side of the car for a few minutes, though, because I've got to call Kathy and do damage-control with my own family."


	143. Chapter 143

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She glanced over at Will.

Noah was completely passed out in his lap, his head hanging heavily and curled into the only man he knew as daddy's chest, resting under his chin. Will had his mirrored sunglasses down over his eyes so she couldn't see them. He'd been sitting so quietly and still that she was starting to wonder if he'd fallen asleep too.

She felt a little bad about the way she'd treated him the night before. OK. Maybe a lot bad. She'd been more than a little bitchy to him. She knew it – and he'd just been trying to do something nice for her, for all of them.

She'd been brow-beating him about her disgust at him trying to take them away for a weekend without giving her any sort of heads up to the point that when they were already about an hour outside of the city, in his brother's SUV, he'd slapped the steering wheel hard and glared at her.

"OK, Olivia. You win," he'd snapped at her with such distaste and upset in his voice that she'd immediately shut up. "You want me to turn around? I'll turn around. Is that what you want?"

She looked at him for a moment. She was almost shocked at how pissed off he sounded, though now in retrospect, she didn't blame him. She'd gaped at him, thinking that he was talking to her like a child. But she'd just crossed her arms tighter across her chest and hadn't said anything to him in response. She eventually pulled her eyes away from him and looked out her window.

They hadn't talked the rest of the drive. He'd purposely changed the music to one of his playlists, full of some of her least favourites, and avoided making eye contact with her, even when he was glancing over to her side to check his mirrors before switching lanes.

When he'd pulled off the highway to get some more gas and to take a bathroom break – he still hadn't spoken with her, and she hadn't him. He'd got out and filled the tank and she'd gone in to get the key to the restroom. When she'd gotten back, he'd silently gone off himself and had disappeared inside after for several minutes. He'd come back with two drinks and dropped a bottled green tea in her cup holder before cracking the cap on his Coke and taking a long swig. He'd had a dark chocolate Aero bar and peeled it open, breaking it in half and again wordlessly handing her the one side of it, before hanging the piece he'd kept to himself out of his mouth and starting the vehicle again.

That was just how they fought. Even when they'd annoyed the fuck out of each other – they couldn't be cruel. They couldn't stop caring or doting on each other. She thought it was slightly ridiculous. Neither of them was particularly good at apologizing either even after it was clear that one or both of them were sorry. So they'd just simmer for a while. Give each other the silent treatment. Retreat into themselves. Try to pretend they were still single and that other wasn't sitting there. That they could just show the other the door if they really wanted to.

She was already feeling badly about how she'd been treating him – but she just kept her mouth shut and let the rest of the drive continue in silence. She told herself it was so Noah could continue to sleep in the back – so their bickering, or worse all-out arguing, wouldn't wake him or upset him. She tried to convince herself that she wasn't just being a little immature and demonstrating some of the reasons why she had never really seemed to excel at long-term relationships.

As they'd finally gotten into Boston, Will had started punching his fingers at the SUV's unfamiliar GPS, still trying to drive – in the dark. It was almost midnight at that point. She knew they were both tired. He was likely even more tired with having taken on the sole role of driver for the trip – when neither of them were really drivers or used to putting in four-plus hours on the road at a time.

She'd watched him for a bit before finally saying, "I don't really think you're supposed to be doing that and driving."

He'd glanced at her and sighed. "Can you see it can find Parker House, please? It's on School Street - near the Commons. I just can't remember what exits I should be taking."

She'd nodded and had leaned forward and found it for him. She'd watched the navigation system and given him quiet directions on when he should be getting off the various highways they were jogging around on and then what turns to be taking.

After they'd located the hotel, he'd driven up about half a block to a parking garage – like he knew where it was - and then had turned off the vehicle and gotten out without saying anything more to her. He'd popped the back of the Jeep and she'd joined him standing there. He'd put their daypack on his back and slung his stuffed Adidas gym bag over his shoulder, while she still stood there with her arms crossed in front of her. He'd handed her her usual overnight bag – only this time it was full of whatever he'd packed for her, another thing that had pissed her off earlier in the evening. She still hadn't had the chance to look in it to see what he'd felt was appropriate for her to bring for the weekend or if he'd packed all the toiletries she would've brought if she'd had the opportunity to do it herself.

"Let me carry the backpack or something, if you're going to be carrying Noah," she said at him.

He'd glanced at her again, from pulling their jackets out of the back – which she really didn't think they likely needed unless the weather four hours north was somehow much cooler than in New York. But he shoved them into her arms and pulled the cover across the back storage area of the vehicle again.

"You can carry Noah's pack," he'd almost grunted at her.

She still kept out of his way as he'd gone to the side door and opened it. She watched as he reached around her sleeping son and pulled his backpack towards him and started tossing Noah's DS and the iPad into it, along with some of his toys and Bluey. He handed it to her, still with the bag hanging open and she'd taken it and stuffed the light-weight jackets into it, before zipping it and putting it on her back. Will was gently removing the travel pillow from around Noah's neck when she looked back at him - and he threw it over to the other side of the backseat and had then undone the boy's seatbelt and hoisted him up to his chest. Noah's eyes had fluttered open for a brief moment and he'd gazed sleepily at her before wrapping his arms around Will's neck and settling his head on to his shoulder and shutting his eyes again. She had rubbed the back of Noah's head, as Will hoisted him a bit more again, adjusting his arm a bit more under her son's ass in an effort to support him.

She'd sighed and tugged at the gym bag on Will's shoulder.

"Give me this," she'd said, and he'd allow his arm to come down so she could slip it off and she slung it across her own chest instead.

"You're OK?" He asked looking at her, now slightly overloaded with the three bags.

"I'm fine," she said. "You're going to be OK with him?"

He'd just nodded and had clicked the doors locked and then checked them before starting to wordlessly walk away from the vehicle and she'd follow after him. They'd then walked the about two-hundred feet to the hotel's door in silence.

She felt another wave of guilt when they entered the hotel lobby and the ornateness of it hit her. It was a bit like they were stepping into another time with the colonial décor – the reds of the carpeting and the plush furnishing, surrounded by carved and lacquered mahoganies on the walls, ceilings and counter tops - and hanging chandeliers with dim mood lighting reflecting off the glints of gold dressings throughout the grand space. She felt a twinge of anger again too, though, as she wondered how much Will had paid for the room – money she really didn't feel they had nor that they should be spending on this.

He looked at her and could almost read her thoughts. He had almost an annoyed and pissed look on his face as he nearly glared at her and said, "I got an alumni discount and it's a packaged deal. And it was supposed to be a bit of a new marriage-family getaway gift after the week we've had with him."

She returned the glare but shook her head and examined the intricate carpet while they made their way up to the front desk. The attendant there was dressed to the nines – despite the late hour – and still seemed very awake and very happy to help them.

Will had nodded at the young man. "We've got a reservation under McTeague," he'd said and the attendant had typed away at his computer and then flipped through a drawer and brought out a whole envelope.

She'd stood listened as the attendant went over the contents of it – and she again felt a little worse about how she'd been going at Will, as it became even clearer he'd put some thought into the weekend and had found a package for them. The attendant pulled out a voucher for the parking garage that Will had put the car in and wrote the plate numbers and reservation code onto it for them. He'd showed them more vouchers for the breakfast buffet at the hotel and instructed them to ensure they had their room cards with them when they were seated as well. He put a long strip of tickets across the counter – the New England Aquarium entrance along with slips for an IMAX showing and a whale watch. The concierge could help them reserve times in the morning or they could take the voucher slips directly to the aquarium as well. A $15 gift certificate for use anywhere in the hotel and then he'd reached under the desk and pulled up a little paperboard bag– decorated with cartoons of Boston landmarks.

"For your son," the attendant had said with a small smile at the sleeping child. "You'll find some crayons and activities in there for him – as well as some snacks and other treats courtesy of Parker House. Your popcorn is in there as well – and, a reminder that you may select one of our family movies for viewing in your suite, our compliments."

Will had just nodded and handed the thing to her.

"Would you like a map, sir?" The attendant had asked, already ripping one off a large pad without waiting for Will's answer. "We are here," he'd said, pointing to a spot on the map, and Liv had looked at with some interest still trying to orient herself. "If you go back a block, you'll find yourself at the start of the Freedom Trail – or you're welcome to start on it right outside the door of our hotel. You can just follow the red line on the sidewalk. There's a map of the trail and its attractions inside your package, as well. The aquarium is here, should you be heading there in the morning. It is about a half-mile walk."

She'd pulled the map closer to her and examined it some more, though Will hadn't seemed that interested. She supposed it must be fairly familiar with the city's downtown.

"I will need to see some ID as well as your alumni card to confirm your rate, sir," the man had said. "We need an imprint of your credit card as well, before you head up to your room."

Will had fumbled a bit, still holding Noah and trying to adjust him and reach for his wallet. She put her hand on his bicep to still him, hoping that they'd manage to get Noah to the room and into bed without waking him – so they could both fall into bed and get some sleep, that she sensed they both desperately needed to calm down and get over it at that point. He stopped moving and she reached into his pocket for him and dug it out, putting it on the counter and opening it.

She pulled out his licence and handed it to the clerk, who looked at it briefly and gave it back to her.

"The Mastercard," Will had quietly, reading her mind as she glanced at him.

She nodded again and handed that to the attendant. "Where's the other card?" She asked him.

"Slot behind the card compartment."

She ended up having to pull a small stack of cards he had shoved in there to get them out and sorted through them until she spotted two alumni cards – MIT and Harvard.

"Which one?" She asked again, flashing them at him.

"Harvard," he said.

She handed it to the attendant as well and he did a few more things on his computer and then again gave them back to her, and she returned them to their places and then shoved the wallet into her own pocket for convenience's sake.

The attendant put the small portfolio containing the room keys on the counter on top of their welcome package envelope at that point.

"You're on the fifth floor," he said. "Would you like me to call and have your Welcome Amenities brought up for you this evening or would you prefer I make a note that they be delivered with your turndown tomorrow?"

Will glanced at her. "Tomorrow," he said.

The man nodded and tapped some more in the computer. "Well, do have a good night then, and thank you for staying at Parker House. If there's anything we can do to make your stay in Boston better, please let any of our staff know. Will you need help with your luggage?"

Will had shaken his head. "We're good."

And at that he'd nodded at her and they'd trudged over to the elevator in silence again and headed upstairs. He let her open the door and had taken Noah over to the bed on the far side of the room and deposited him there. She was somewhat comforted to see that though the room was nice, it didn't come across as nearly as fancy or expensive as the lobby had been. The space also wasn't much bigger than what's she'd expect to see in something that they could actually afford if they ever had reason to stay in a New York City hotel and she felt a bit more at ease that the bank wasn't being broken by the outing.

Will still wasn't talking to her, though. He'd walked passed her after putting Noah on the bed and had opened up his bag and pulled out his shaving kit.

"His stuff is in my bag, if you're going to try to change him," was all he said and then disappeared into the bathroom. The walls were thin and she heard him lift the seat of the toilet and urinate – and then the water at the sink going and then some quiet followed the sounds of him doing his vigourous teeth brushing routine.

She sighed a little and pulled Noah's shoes off. He didn't even stir, so she peeled off his socks too and unbuttoned his shorts and pulled them down and untangled them from his legs. She then flipped his cap off his head and thought for a moment whether she was going to try to get his hoodie off without waking him. She decided to give it a go – he'd been such a mess of night sweats lately, being in a hoodie wouldn't help and she kind of doubted Will had packed him an extra, if he did soak it. She unzipped it and slouched it down his arms and he stirred a bit and mumbled something at her – but then just rolled over onto his side, which actually made it easier for her to finish getting it off his one arm. At that point, she decided she was just going to let him sleep in his tshirt and underwear and not to struggle with him to get him into his pajamas.

"Com'on, sweets," she said quietly, lifting him a bit. "Let's get you under the covers."

He cracked his eyes open in slits under heavy lids and wrapped his arms around her neck a bit, as she lifted him and pulled back the tightly tucked blankets and pile of pillows, before putting him back on the bed and pulling them up around him again.

"Go back to sleep," she told him, though she hardly needed to.

She'd gone over to her bag and zipped it open and found that Will had remembered to pack sleepwear for her – and even put it on top. Her toiletry kit was accessible too. She again sighed a bit about how her attitude had been.

Will came out of the bathroom and glanced at her. He pulled off his tshirt and then kicked off his shoes and shucked off his socks, before dropping his shorts, leaving them on the ground and going over to the unoccupied bed and pulling back the covers on the one side and getting in in just his boxer briefs. He immediately rolled onto his side, so he was looking at the wall with his one arm pillowing his arm and shut his eyes.

She watched him for a moment but then just went into the bathroom to do her own bedtime routine and change. She switched off the suites' lights as she came out. But rather than get into bed with Will, she'd gone over to the bed Noah was in and got in on the opposite side of her son. Will's body language was definitely saying he wanted his space and she thought maybe she needed the same – even though she hated when they were like this. She knew it was moments like this that demonstrated both of their inexperience at dealing with long-term relationships and that they were still learning how to put up with each other.

She lay on her side and looked at Noah's sleeping form in the dark. But she heard Will sigh loudly and then saw him stir and sit up. He trudged over to their bed and got in behind her, scooting across the mattress until he was nestled against her – his chest against her back, his crotch against her ass and his arm coming around her waist. He put his nose against the crook of her neck and she heard and felt him breathe her in.

"Just don't," he told her quietly. "Go to sleep. I love you. Happy one-week anniversary."

She smiled softly at the comment and had reached back and rubbed the top of his thigh and he'd adjusted his legs a bit more with hers – but she felt his body relaxing against her and could hear and feel his breathing changing and quieting into its sleep rhythm and she'd made herself calm more and close her eyes too.

When she'd woken up, they'd changed positions and Noah was laying between them on the large bed – her and Will didn't have any contact anymore at that point. Her son's arms were flailed above his head – one arm neatly resting across Will's head, who was laying on his side and watching them both. Noah's one leg was sprawled up on top of her. She smiled a bit and moved it, rolling on her side to gaze at Will and her son too. He reached over and ran his hand through her tangled hair.

"Morning," he said kindly.

She gave him another smile. They were both clearly over the previous day's foolishness. She felt a wave of relief about that. She loved Will for his ability to just move on – or maybe for his ability to put up with her. She told herself she loved his seemingly endless patience. She'd convinced herself that it was part of the reason she thought he deserved the role of daddy to her son. But she knew he needed the patience to stick with her too – as much as she hated to admit that to herself.

"What time is it?" she asked him.

"About 6:30."

She let out a bit of a groan.

"Go back to sleep," he told her, caressing a thumb across her cheek.

She shook her head. "I won't sleep anymore now. How long have you been awake?"

"About half an hour."

"And he's still out?"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"Mmm," she said and moved her hand around the mattress looking for wet spots. "Did we get through the night without being peed on?"

Will gave a small nod. "Seem to have. His shirt feels kind of damp, though. Sweats."

She touched Noah's cheek. He felt clammy too – and he stirred against the touch, so she dropped her hand away.

"I'm sorry," she told Will.

He gave her a thin smile. "It's OK."

She nodded and averted her eyes a bit, still a little embarrassed about the night before. But the apology had apparently been enough and Will seemed to be passed his upset and annoyance as well.

They'd managed to breeze through the rest of the day and it had actually been nice. The breakfast buffet in the fancy dining room had even had smoked salmon, which had been a treat for her despite Will making sure to express his disbelief that anyone would want to ever eat fish – let alone at the crack of dawn. She just told him to keep crunching on his granola and let her enjoy her breakfast. Noah had been beyond enthused about getting "dippy" eggs and toast too. But he'd been even more enthusiastic about getting to follow the red-painted line throughout the downtown of Boston after they'd ventured outside.

They'd wandered slowly – stopping at some of the historic sites along the way. Noah hadn't been very interested – but Will had entertained him, as she'd read some of the plaques and looked around. Will had demonstrated his strong knowledge of the history of the city and just the Revolution in general, as they walked slowly hand-in-hand, telling her little anecdotes that went beyond what you'd just find in the textbooks.

They stopped and watched the buskers outside Faneuil Hall, Will putting Noah up on his shoulders to give the boy a better view. The break dancing and the balancing acts they'd watched had been almost stupidly enjoyable, considering they were free – save for the donation Will had fished out of his wallet for Noah to dash over and drop in their collection hats.

They'd then wandered through the marketplace, looking at some of the restaurants, before deciding on one that had lobster rolls. Will had insisted that lobster was shellfish, and not seafood by his definition, so he ate it. "Besides," he'd said, "you couldn't be in Boston and not have a lobster roll and chowder. That's like sacrilege."

Noah had been fascinated with the lobsters in the tank at the little hole-in-the-wall place Will had suggested they eat at. She decided it was best to let him keep thinking that they were some sort of pets in the restaurant, though, and not food waiting to be cooked and plated. The lunch had been delicious. She'd gotten nearly a whole piece of claw meat sitting in her roll, which had shocked her for the price they'd paid. She'd also gotten a kick out of Noah first picking some of the meat out of his and cautiously testing its texture and taste. But then her picky, fussy, chemo eater had shoved the thing in his face like it might as well have been a hot dog. He'd sat licking the bit of dressing off his fingers when he was done and she'd seen him eyeing hers – a rarity that her son finished eating before them – so she'd shared a few more chunks of lobster meat from hers with him and eventually handed him her last few bites.

The aquarium had been fantastic too – far better than what they were used to out at the New York Aquarium out on Coney Island. Noah had delighted in the seals training show and had stood pointing at the penguins and excitedly talking at them for nearly half-an-hour before growing bored with the animals. He'd loved going up and up the winding ramp around the large central aquarium and watching all the fish and scuba divers inside and they'd all been amazed by the jellyfish and seahorses exhibits. She'd spent some time trying to manage to take some decent photos on with her phone and failed miserably. Will had reminded her, "There's these things called cameras. You know, I think we have one. Maybe you should think about learning how to use it."

"Then I have to remember to bring it with me and it's also just another thing to drag along," she'd spat back. She actually kind of wondered what it would've been like having a kid before things like smartphones existed and she would've had to remember to have a camera and downloaded photos to her computer – or even take them in to be processed. She somehow doubted she'd have nearly as many pictures of Noah as she did if that had been the case. It was all just so instant and effortless to capture the life of her son now. She was grateful for that.

The only trouble had happened when they were by the touch tank. She'd sternly told Noah, if they were going to go over to it, he could look at the stingrays and sharks but he couldn't touch them. He'd agreed but hadn't listened. She'd grabbed his hands out of the water and chastised him but then Will had taken over – giving her a break from being the disciplinary parent.

He'd snagged Noah up and carried him away to where they had hand sanitizer and cleanser stations set up, despite the boy wailing at him. She'd stood to the side and let him deal with it – trying to read one of the info panels and pretend that it wasn't her kid who was creating the scene for the rest of the patrons who were glancing at the tantrum show.

After Will had cleaned her son's clenched hands, she'd watched as he took him over to some free wall space and set him down, lightly pushing him until his back was against it and telling him again why he wasn't supposed to put his hands in the touch-tank – too many germs, he couldn't be doing that while he was on treatment, that he knew better, that not listening to Mommy was bad behaviour, especially when he'd promised he'd look and not touch, and that shouting in a public place and hitting at Will wasn't acceptable either.

"Two minute timeout," Will had told him sternly.

He'd looked at his watch and she saw him push the button to set the timer. Noah had again yelled at him, stomping his foot that it wasn't fair, and beating his one fist against Will's hip. Will had looked at him sternly and gently pulled his arms down to his sides, nudged him back against the wall again and told him that the timeout was going to keep going until he stood there quietly, thinking about what he'd done for two whole minutes. Noah stomped his foot again and crossed his arms to glare at the floor but had stood there in a defiant pout until the two-minutes had passed and Will had crouched down in front of him.

"Can you tell me why you're standing here, sweets?" He'd asked quietly.

Noah had vehemently shaken his head.

"OK, do you need more time to think about it?" Will had said.

Tears had started then and Will had held Noah's shoulders. "Daddy," he'd cried.

"Why are you taking a timeout, Noah?" He'd asked again, patiently.

"Because I put my hands in the water."

"And why was that bad behaviour?"

"I told Mommy I wouldn't."

Will had nodded. "So, do you think you should apologize to Mommy?"

Noah had nodded through tears that Will had wiped at with his thumbs.

"It's not fair," Noah had cried, now with sadness rather than the anger he'd been showing before. She thought about going over to try to comfort him and calm the situation too –but she'd been trying to force herself to let Will take more of a role even when she was available to do the discipline. "I want to touch the stingrays too, Daddy."

"You can't right now, bud. There's too many germs in there and bacteria. Your body doesn't need any extra. You know that."

"It's not fair, Daddy," her little boy had cried again.

Will had pulled him into a hug. "I know, Noah. But it's the way it is right now."

Will was a softy, though, and before they'd gone out to get into the line for the whale watch boat, he'd slipped into the gift shop and had come back with a small stingray stuffie – because they really needed more stuffies in their house – and had handed it to a glowing Noah.

"You spoil him," she'd told Will, as Noah had played with the thing. But he'd just shrugged.

Their day had calmed again, though, as they'd gotten onto the boat. She finally got the ocean breeze she'd been longing for for weeks in the humidity of New York – and she'd basked in the smell of the sea water and the ocean spray coming up onto the deck.

It'd only gotten better then they'd gotten out to the Stellwagen Bank National Marine Sanctuary – and ats first they'd spotted the tail of a whale in the distance. She thought she was likely more excited than Noah or Will when she'd seen the flip of the massive tail come up from the water and then disappear.

As they got closer the boat got within amazing viewing distance of two mother's and their calves. She'd nearly been bursting with amazement. She'd never seen whales before. They were huge and just so peaceful in the water. She thought it was so beautiful. She'd held Noah to her tightly and gotten down to look been the rails on the boat with him – honouring the feet on the deck at all times rule despite the urge to pick him up so he could see better. She pointed between the rails for him and smiled from ear-to-ear at watching the mothers and their babies interact and watching her son look at them and babble at her about how big they were and if they were boy whales or girl whales and waving to them as their fins came up. She looped her arm around Will's and pulled him closer too – he'd been standing a bit back.

"Are you seeing this?" She'd said and he'd just smiled and nodded – before leaning in and giving her a kiss on her temple.

She'd loved every moment of it. She'd felt so much like a normal family in that moment too. That they were sharing an experience you were supposed to share with your children, and that her little boy was getting that opportunity and glowing at it. That she was getting to share her first-time seeing these giant mammals with her son – and her husband. And, she'd realized then that that had been what Will was trying to do for her that weekend – not to take them away, but to give her the normal family time that she'd been hurting about and feeling like they were missing, to give Noah that childhood moment when she'd been feeling too many of were being robbed from him.

She squeezed Will's knee gently, testing to see if he was sleeping or just enjoying the ride back to the harbour and the sun like her. His head had turned towards her, though, and he'd given her a little smile.

"Thank you," she said to him.

He smiled a little more. "You liked it?"

She moved her hand to take his, and brought it back to rest on his knee. "I loved it."

He'd leaned over, clearly for a kiss, and she'd complied. He tasted salty. He'd been standing near the wake of the boat with Noah earlier and had been badly sprayed by the water. She rubbed his unshaven cheek.

"The whole day," she said, moving closer to him and leaning against him. He wrapped his free arm around her. "It's been a really nice day, Will."

He nodded. "I'm glad. We still have the IMAX tickets too – if you think the Chief is going to be up for it when we get back to shore."

She smiled and rubbed Noah's little arm. It'd been a busy day for him and he hadn't gotten his afternoon rest. She was glad he was sleeping now in the warm sun and amazing breeze – so nice that it was almost chilly and she was actually glad Will had brought along their light jackets, again clearly demonstrating his ability to think ahead and plan.

"I don't think he'll want to miss that," she conceded.

Will had nodded and rested his cheek on the top of her head, looking out across the water, as the boat worked its way back. Boston was getting more and more visible again in the distance as they reached the end of their four-hour ocean excursion.

"What you want to do about dinner after?" He asked. "You think he'd be traumatized if we actually do have lobster?"

She snorted. "Yeah, I don't think it coming out looking like what he saw in the tank is the best idea." She felt Will have one of his silent laughs against her. "Isn't Boston supposed to be all about Irish pubs?"

"Meh," Will had said. "You're in pubs all the time when you go for a drink after work."

"Not Boston ones," she told him.

He snorted. "We walked by the Hard Rock Café. It had a patio that looked nice. Or we have that gift certificate for the restaurants at the hotel."

She nodded. "OK. The patio."

"You know our hotel's restaurant invented the Bostom Crème Pie?"

She looked up at him. "You're full of trivia."

He shrugged. "Dessert when we get back?"

"Boston Crème is not my thing."

"You haven't had real Boston Crème," he contended.

"I can watch you and Noah eat it. You can buy me a drink."

She felt him smile against the top of her head. "OK."

"You going to take me across the river and show me Harvard tomorrow?"

"Hmm," he almost sighed. "If you want."

"You don't want to go over there?"

"I was thinking more we could head back early and drive along the coast instead of the highway – have a couple hours beach time," he told her. "Besides, it just looks like a university, Liv."

"No, it looks like Harvard. You can take me through the steps of your Good Will Hunting math prodigy experience."

"Good Will Hunting was shot in Toronto. You'll have to get Noah a passport if you want me to take you on a trip to relive Good Will Hunting. That could be good. I hear Toronto thinks it's New York. There's conferences up there at Waterloo University all the time."

She snorted again. "OK. I didn't mean for us to start planning another trip – to another country."

"Is Canada really another country?"

"Last time I checked."

"Hmm," Will had said like he had to think about it.

"I'd like to see Harvard and MIT," she told him. "See where you used to work, live. Then we can go to the beach."

"Blah. That wasn't the purpose of the trip this time. It's going to look about as exciting as Siena, I'm sure," he said. "And MIT – it's just a city university. It looks the same as NYU. Just buildings all over Cambridge's downtown."

"But it's Harvard and MIT," she said. "You can get Noah a tshirt or something."

He snorted. "I have before. He outgrows them."

She elbowed him. "You're so difficult."

"Look who's talking."

**In case you haven't noticed, I've been updating some of the other stories in this series. I added a few chapters to Changes, which is set during Olivia's pregnancy and adds some context on the dynamic with Kurt and her and Elliot too. A few more chapters will be coming in it too.**

**I also started Rollercoaster, which is set for after where Undeserved is going to end, and takes place in the wake of Elliot leaving SVU and her interacting with Rollins and Amaro.**

**A chapter was also added to Love Your Forever.**

**Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated by PM or reviews**


	144. Chapter 144

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"OK, I can't do this here," Will said and straighten up.

She snorted and looked up at him from where she was leaning against the sink-top vanity counter in the bathroom. "Well, we sure as hell aren't doing it out there," she told him glancing at the closed door behind, which Noah had passed out while watching The Avengers.

He sighed and looked at the ceiling – and then gestured at the mirror before meeting her eyes. "I keep seeing myself in the mirror."

She glanced behind her. "So? Don't look at it."

He sighed again and crossed his arms over his bare chest.

She gave him a smile and rubbed his arm and took his hand.

Her body was more than humming at that point and she didn't want to stop. They'd had so many false-starts in the past two weeks. She really didn't want this to be another one. They still hadn't managed to officially consummate their marriage – for whatever that old-fashion tradition that was worth. Not that really doing it in some hotel room's bathroom was exactly how she would've ever envisioned first-time sex after tying-the-knot – or it happening more than a week after actually tying-the-knot. But her and Will never really seemed to do things the good-and-proper way. And, really, with what her body was screaming at her in that moment – she didn't know how she was going to sleep, let alone sit in a car on a four-hour drive home the next day, if Will decided he was stopping.

"Will, just look at me or close your eyes. Come on," she told him, shaking his hand a bit.

He sighed harder and looked away from her. She reached out and looped her finger into his one belt-loop and tugged him back closer to her so he was standing flush between her knees. It was obvious through his shorts that even though he was stopping, his body hadn't exactly caught up to his brain yet either. She wrapped her arms around his waist and looked at him even though he was still keeping his eyes away from her – or she supposed the mirror.

"You're afraid you're going to see your sex faces?" She teased him.

He made an annoyed sound that was sort of a laugh. "Well, I guess that's one way to put it. But basically – yes."

She rubbed his chest and forced him to bring his tightly crossed arm down, placing them around her waist for him.

"You look fine," she told him. "You actually usually have a goofy grin on your face most of the time." She touched his face. "Then you get very, very serious."

He rolled his eyes. "I don't need to know any of that – and I certainly don't need to see it."

She kissed his neck. "It's kind of cute. Endearing, in a sexy sort of way."

He sighed. "Can't we just get in the shower?"

Then it was her turn to sigh.

Her and Will showered together a lot. It was part of their intimacy routine – and in all honesty, they seemed to just generally be able to make more time to get in and out of the shower together and share some kisses and touching more readily than they did get to having sex.

They both were in and out of the shower anyways. Sex required them both to be interested and not exhausted or completely distracted. Getting all that to align was hard enough. But then not to mention, they needed to manage to get a length of time where they didn't think they were going to be interrupted by Noah. These days between his health and the sweat-drenching summer, a night without Noah being up and in there room – well, that was few and far between.

But Noah didn't seem to think twice about them both being in the bathroom at the same time. One of both of them covering up and getting out and dealing with him if they were interrupted from their cuddling and bathing each other the shower – wasn't a big deal. Noah disrupting sex always just proved awkward and frustrating – killing the moment that night and usually for several days after. Then when they did feel like trying again they had to compete against all the other factors – interest, exhaustion, distraction, stifling summer heat, Liv's phone calls from work, her shifts. So the cycle of little sex began again – and private time in the shower just seemed easier and easier, and even though it wasn't sex, it could still be relaxing and intimate. Still, despite liking to share some time in the shower with Will, she just wasn't one for shower sex.

Doing it facing each other just wasn't that comfortable – for either of them. For her, the minor acrobatics involved in positioning and dealing with their height difference just meant she ended up spending the time worrying they were going to hurt themselves – and end up in a slippery spill that would be painful and difficult to explain. And, she sure as hell wasn't getting onto the cold, hard, wet floor or bottom of the tub of a bathroom. She and her back were way too fucking old for that bullshit. Then, she just wasn't willing to accommodate any position, standing or otherwise, that would see Will having to be behind her.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Will. It wasn't that he wasn't respectful or that he wasn't gentle. She just couldn't do it. They'd experimented a little – and she just wasn't ready for it yet. Anything with him behind her, even when he was still clothed, if it involved his erection and his chest pressed against her back and his arms around her - it triggered flashbacks and bouts of panic. Even as much as she loved spooning with him, she couldn't stand him being behind her if he started to get an erection. Even if it was just his morning hard-on and he brushed against her from behind – she couldn't handle it. She moved away and he actually knew enough now to move away quickly on his own if it was going to be a problem for him.

He must've seen her processing his suggestion and he'd ran his hands up her ribs and caressed the sides of her breasts through the bra he hadn't yet gotten around to taking off her. She could feel him looking at her and she met his eyes – he'd moved his face closer to hers.

"We can always just use our hands," he said quietly.

She sighed and put her head against his chest. "I need – I want – more than your hands tonight, Will." She shook her head against him. "We've had so many false-starts lately. Please, not tonight."

He rubbed her back and put a few kisses across the top of her right shoulder. She could feel him thinking. He pulled away a bit from her and pulled the shower curtain open behind him and looked in it before looking back at her. He put a kiss on her temple and tilted her chin up to look at him.

"There's a no-slip mat – and there's a wide edge around the tub. I'll be careful. I promise," he told her.

She sighed again. "Sex really loses its romance and spontaneity when it becomes a negotiation," she told him.

He snorted a laugh. "I'm pretty sure all sex is a negotiation – you should know that of all people."

She shook her forehead against him. "Well, I prefer consensual, non-verbal negotiation in the bedroom."

He gave her a smile. "We aren't in the bedroom."

She snorted and looked at him. "You can't just …not look at the mirror?"

"Liv, OK beyond that, there's something kind of 'We're 19 and drunk at a frat party' about the concept of pounding you against the counter in a bathroom."

She laughed and caressed his cheek. She kissed his chest and traced her thumbs across his tight stomach and towards his hips.

"Like you were ever to a frat party to even have the opportunity to pound some girl in the bathroom," she commented.

"You're right. I never was. So I don't really want to start now – at 39 – with my beautiful, sober wife while my son is asleep in the next room. I'm horny – but I'm not that horny. I'm too old for that."

She pulled him closer to her and started kissing at his shoulders. "How'd you manage to get through life at an Ivy League school and not join a fraternity?"

He shrugged and watched the top of her head as she worked her mouth and lips across the top of his chest. "I don't know. I did the Rush week thing at MIT – it wasn't my thing at the time. Too social. Too brotherhood-y. Blah, blah, blah. B-S. You know me. How'd you manage to do the sorority thing? You so aren't a sorority girl."

She laughed against him. "Lots of people are in sororities and fraternities. It's not all just dumb blonds and ego-driven jocks, you know?"

"You don't say…" he teased her.

"But I think we're all different people when we're 19," she allowed.

"So did you bang some guy in the bathroom at a sorority party?"

Now she really laughed and punched him in the shoulder. He let himself rock back with the movement and smiled at her, now running his hands up and down her inner thighs that were feeling way too overdressed and constricted in her jeans.

"No, that isn't on my list of poor life choices – so I guess I won't add it to my list tonight, either. Shower sex with my husband – much more grown-up and refined for a woman my age."

He smiled wider at her. "You're supposed to switch it up for hotel room sex anyways, right?" He told her and leaned in to capture her lips in a kiss.

She threaded her hands into his hair and enjoyed it as they got back to the deep kisses and build up that he'd earlier put a stop to. After several minutes she broke away and kissed his chest some more and undid his shorts, while he worked on kissing just at the back of her shoulders and neck while getting the clasp undone on the back of her bra.

"OK, I can see myself again," he mumbled against her shoulder as he did and started to let it fall down her arms.

She glanced up at him and pushed his pants down his waist in a fluid movement. "Stop looking," she demanded at him seriously. "Take those off and get in the fucking shower."

He gave her a silly grin. "Fucking shower?"

She stood from the her perch on the counter and undid her jeans herself, since he seemed too involved in his own funny to be taking care of that. She shook her head at him, as she peeled them off, kicking them off to the side with his pile of shorts and underwear.

"I guess it's going to be a fucking shower tonight," she conceded and pushed him around and towards the faucet to get the water going.

**In case you haven't noticed, I've been updating some of the other stories in this series. I added a few chapters to Changes, which is set during Olivia's pregnancy and adds some context on the dynamic with Kurt and her and Elliot too. A few more chapters will be coming in it too.**

**I also started Rollercoaster, which is set for after where Undeserved is going to end, and takes place in the wake of Elliot leaving SVU and her interacting with Rollins and Amaro.**

**A chapter was also added to Love Your Forever.**

**Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated by PM or reviews.**


	145. Chapter 145

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She met up with Elliot just as he was coming out of the precinct. She already had the door pulled open when he emerged out the adjacent side.

"Hey," she said a little frazzled and dropped the door handle. "Sorry I'm late."

He shook his head and shrugged like it was no big deal. "You need to go up before we head out?" he asked.

"I'm good," she said and got in step beside him for the walk over to get a car, handing him the coffee she'd brought him.

"Bad morning?" he asked, glancing at her.

She shook her head and looked at the sky for a moment. "Arg," was about the sound she made in response and rubbed her hands down her face before pushing them back up and through her hair. "He's got another blood transfusion this afternoon before we start into his new protocol. He's just in a tizzy about it for some reason. I'm not even entirely sure what set him off."

Elliot nodded and signed out a car from the box sergeant, snagging the keys and starting to wander to the numbered spot. "You going over to the hospital for that?"

"No, I think that's part of his little meltdown this morning. Will's taking him."

Elliot glanced at him. "They wouldn't give you the afternoon?"

She shrugged as she got into the passenger side. "I didn't put in for it," she told him as he got into the driver seat.

He looked at her for a moment before putting on his seatbelt. "Why not?"

She did up her own and settled into the seat. "Blah. They want to rerun a bunch of tests and scans on him after this transfusion and the hold – before we start in with the adjusted treatment plan. So I'm likely going to be out for the better part of a week later this month. We've got the hearing at Family Court too. Usually he likes spending time with Will – he doesn't have any lectures or meetings today. It's a good day for him to handle this. I didn't think it would be a big deal. Apparently I misjudged."

"I can cover for you," he offered. "Cragen won't care that you give him short notice on the com-care."

She shook her head. "Nah. If I re-open the door now, it's just going to rile him up again. I think we about had him spooled down when I left. The tears had stopped."

Elliot gave her a bit of a sad smile. "Tough guy."

She returned the smile. "One of the toughest I know."

"How was Boston?" He asked, as he started them on their way all the way up to Hamilton Heights. The address of the crime scene they were headed for actually struck a little close to home – just blocks from the condo building her and Will had previously lived in. She didn't recognize the name of the victim – and she was hoping it wasn't someone she'd recognize from around the neighbourhood when she saw them.

She sipped at her tea. "It was good. Really nice. We went whale watching. You ever done that with the kids?"

"Nah," he said.

"You should," she told him. "Eli'd love it."

"It's expensive, isn't it?"

"Mmm," she shrugged. "We did it out of the aquarium there – so the tickets included the aquarium, the shows and stuff there, IMAX and the whale watch. I think it was about $60 total for us, about $40 for Noah. It was worth it. Basically put in the whole day."

"How long did they have you out on the water?"

"'Bout four hours. We saw five whales. A couple moms and their calves. It was fantastic."

"I wouldn't have pegged you as a whale-watcher type person."

"It was pretty neat, El," she told him and took another drink of her tea. "They're big."

"They're whales. You didn't go to a ball game?"

She shook her head. "They were up in Cleveland. Just wandered a bit downtown. Did the aquarium and whale watch thing. Had some lobster. Went over and took a look at Harvard and MIT. Drove back along the coast. Stopped and let Noah play in the surf a bit. It was short. But nice. What'd you get up to?"

"Mmm," he glanced at her. "Dickie was home. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, that game theory stuff Will does, does that have anything to do with videogames?"

She looked at him for a moment. "Umm. A little, I guess. Why?"

"Dickie's been expressing some interest in shifting his studies a bit to focus more on doing videogame design stuff. Not really sure how excited I am about that idea. Trying to get an idea of what it could entail - if there's actual real jobs that aren't sitting on the couch and playing videogames."

She nodded. "Well, I don't know. Will teaches some courses around game theory and gamification. In his own personal stuff, he's interested in its applications in these mass online games and board game design. But the real world work he does has more applications in terms of Wall Street and Silicon Valley and military strategy. His research generally deals more with that. Most of it goes over my head."

Elliot snorted. "Yeah no kidding. But see – military strategy, Silicon Valley – that I might be able to get onboard with. I'm not really sure what Dickie's thinking, though. I'm not sure he's sure about what he's thinking."

"Will likely knows people who work in the videogame world," she offered. "I'll ask."

"Thanks."

"Dickie seems to come home a lot lately," she commented.

He nodded. "Yeah, wouldn't have guessed it would be him who'd be the one we'd be struggling with to get him to fly the coup. He wanted out bad a couple years ago."

She shrugged. "Things change. It's nice for you guys he's around – for Eli."

"Yeah – as long as this videogame plan doesn't turn into wanting to sit on our couch and play videogames, and not finish school or get a job."

She snorted at him. "It doesn't sound like that's the direction he's headed in yet, does it?"

Elliot shrugged.

"I'll talk to Will. Maybe he'll have some thoughts – or can chat to him, if you want. Or you. Whatever."

Elliot nodded again. "Maureen was home too."

She looked at him again and gave him a smile. "Oh, yeah?"

"Mmm," he mumbled. "Brought a boyfriend."

"A boyfriend or the boyfriend?"

"A boyfriend that's the boyfriend."

"Tyler? He's been the boyfriend for a while, El. I don't think you can call him a boyfriend anymore."

He grunted.

"So what he's like?"

"Not the kind of guy I want her with."

She snorted. "Well, I think she'd have a pretty hard time finding a guy that met all your list of changing requirements. What'd Kathy think of him?"

"She thought he was OK."

She nodded. "That's likely a good gauge."

He shrugged. "He's not working."

"Lots of kids out of college aren't working these days. It's hard out there, El."

"He could be doing something. Stock shelves. Deliver papers. Something until he gets into a more permanent situation. And he has …" he waved his hand a bit "… shit in his face."

"Like an earring?"

"And lip and eyebrow and I'm pretty sure tongue."

She glanced over at him. That look definitely wouldn't win points with Elliot.

"He seemed OK, though? Treats Maureen well?"

"Yeah, I guess. He seemed polite enough – was able to hold a conversation. She's taken with him. He just seems like … bit of a slacker. Not sure what he'll end up doing with his life and she seems to think this guy's 'the one'. I just can't see him supporting her – or a family," he said and looked at her. "Be glad you didn't have a girl."

"Mmm, instead I have to raise a man – who will then be judged and measured by not just the girl but her father, and probably never quite be good enough for his daughter, right?"

He gave her a bit of a smile. "Ah, I'm sure Noah will do OK. The mother's will be knocking on the door for their daughters to set up the dates."

She snorted. "Yeah. How do Dickie's girlfriends' dads end up treating him?"

"Ah, well, com'on. Who'd want Dickie dating their daughter?"

She shook her head. "Comments like that and I don't know why he's coming home on the weekends. But the Stabler looks and eyes – he's got the college girls flocking, I'm sure."

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think he's had a girlfriend yet at college. Just a handful of dates we knew about while he was in high school. He's home so much on the weekends right now. He can't be making friends."

"He's just shy. Struggling with the transition from high school to college – moving out of home," she assured her partner.

"Yeah. He just got … so much more … introverted after Shane and even now hasn't really snapped out of it."

She nodded. "That's a hard thing – for a kid, for anyone. At least him dealing with it just means some inversion, El. He stuck close to home – because he wants to be near you. He's come home because he's still looking for that support from you. You've always been pretty close with him – even compared to the girls. He's your son."

He sighed. "Yeah, I know." He shook his head. "It's just when I was his age …"

"You had Kathy knocked up and were preparing for a shotgun wedding and arrival of your first baby when you were barely done being a kid yourself?"

He shot her a look. "I was going to say I was in the Marines."

"Well, you were clear with Dickie that you didn't want him to follow down that path – and after all that tension, he actually listened, so you can't fault him on that. And, I don't think you really want him to follow in some of your other footsteps either. He'll figure it out. Just give him time. Focusing on his studies rather than girls isn't a bad thing. Coming home to his family and his baby brother getting to spend time with him, isn't a bad thing either."

He nodded and rubbed at his forehead. "Yeah, I know. You just know how it is – you just want the best for your kids. Keep hoping that it just works out, that it could be a bit easier for them. That they don't have to fall down so many times."

She gave him a thin smile. "Yeah, I know how it is. Falling down is part of life. It's how you deal with getting back up, right? Dickie's a tough guy too. He'll be alright."

**In case you haven't noticed, I've been updating some of the other stories in this series. I added a few chapters to Changes, which is set during Olivia's pregnancy and adds some context on the dynamic with Kurt and her and Elliot too. A few more chapters will be coming in it too.**

**I also started Rollercoaster, which is set for after where Undeserved is going to end, and takes place in the wake of Elliot leaving SVU and her interacting with Rollins and Amaro.**

**A chapter was also added to Love Your Forever.**

**Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated by PM or reviews**


	146. Chapter 146

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She dropped her stuff onto her chair and sorted her things into her various drawers – hidden from view, before pulling out a stack of envelopes. She looked at the names on the front and started dropping them on the guys' desks in front of them, causing them to look up at her.

"The only commentary I want on this is the RSVP card, if you're coming," she said seriously – especially giving John a stern look.

She handed Elliot a small pile of envelopes – one for him, Kathy and Eli and one for each of his grown children. He gave her a small smile. "Make sure each of them knows they are very welcome," she nodded at him.

And, then she walked to Cragen's office. He wasn't there at the moment – so she just left the envelope with his name sitting on top of his desk.

When she'd come back John had already decided to open his and ignore her requst for a lack of commentary – of course. He was looking at the invitation.

"See, at least you have this part of the whole thing right," he commented. "If you're going to put yourself through the misery of the inevitable divorce, at least don't bother spending money on the wedding."

"Hey, hey," Elliot nodded at him. "Why don't you keep your negativity to yourself for once?"

He held the card towards Liv. "OK, correction, I'm at least hoping you didn't spend Will's money on this."

She glanced at the hand-decorated card he was holding up. They'd just gone out and bought cardstock and business cards, in their own in their continued efforts to make the whole wedding-thing about as cheap as they possibly could. Will had taken them into work and used his workspace privacy and access to laser printers there to print the inside text on the invitations and design on the business cards they were using for their RSVP slips. But then in trying to decide what to do with the blank fronts of the card they'd initially been at a loss. Will had suggested maybe they should just print out some photos and fasten them to the front – but picking them, cropping them, printing them, tacking them on – it all sounded like a lot of work and costly to her.

In the end the decision to let Noah have-at-them in decorating the covers of the cards had been kind of a fluke. She'd just handed him one of the blank extras they had for him to colour on or do whatever with as a haphazard art project one afternoon after a long day at work while she was trying to get dinner ready and laundry done – and he just wasn't leaving her alone. The pack containing the extras had been still sitting on the serving sill between the kitchen and dining room – where Will was constantly stacking crap when he emptied out his messenger bag when he got home from work each night. The habit and the clutter in that area drove her crazy. But it had meant that afternoon, it was the first thing she'd seen for him, without having to go down into the little nook in the playroom where they kept the rest of Noah's art supplies. So she'd just handed the blank card to him, along with the cup of pens and markers they kept sitting on top of the fridge, as a way to sit him down and get him out from under foot - and to shut him up for a bit - while she did the daily chores.

It'd worked. He'd proudly showed her his finished product and had been excited that since it was a card, they could sit it up on the serving sill so they could all look at his masterpiece during dinner rather than having to just put it on the fridge like usual. Noah had been so happy with the way his marker colouring looked on that type of paper – and just that he'd been allowed to use markers at all. When she'd sat there looking at his artwork, she'd decided that she actually kind of liked the way it looked too – a lot. It was simple. It was unique. It was them. It was their son. And, they'd been trying to keep Noah as involved in the whole thing as much as possible anyways – they wanted him to feel that it was as much his celebration and the making of his family, as it was their wedding. They really were looking at it as a reaffirmation of them as a family and a commitment to Noah more than anything anyways.

So she'd showed the practice card to Will, said she thought it was a good idea and he'd just smiled, kissed her temple like he always did and agreed it was awesome. From his face, she could tell he meant it and wasn't just humouring her. So it was done. Noah was their card designer – with some help from her and Will here and there. They'd spent the last several weeks slowly working through each name of their invitees and supervising Noah puttering away on the cards – everyone getting their own little masterpiece from her son. She was biased as his mother – but she thought that was pretty special.

"What didn't you understand about what I just said?" she asked him. "And, that's a Noah original. You should hold on to it. It will be worth something some day."

He looked at the front of his card again and raised his eyebrows. "What's it even supposed to be?"

"You," she said, "as an Orc. Personally, I think he really captured your likeness."

Elliot snorted as John glanced at her and then went back to considering the picture again.

"Mmm," he said.

"What the hell's mine?" Fin asked.

She looked at it. "A shark car. I think. With a fin because …"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," the detective said. "He's some sort of modernist, eh?"

"Do you people ever do any work?" Cragen asked as he walked into the bullpen and again saw his detectives shooting the shit. He put a box of glazed donuts for the squad in the middle of John's desk and flipped it open to claim one.

"Don't leave synthetic cornmeal byproduct, saturated in toxic chemicals sitting on my desk," John demanded and picked it up, taking it over to the coffee station.

"Hey, some of us might want one," Fin called after him.

"Their toxic fumes have damaged your mind," John nodded towards him.

"Hey, Captain, we might have a new case," Munch called back at Cragen then, who was retreating to his office, already taking a bite out of his breakfast. "We may have to call ACS on this one," he nodded at Liv. "Child labour."

Cragen looked at them and raised an eyebrow.

John held up the invitation again – first towards Cragen and then towards Liv.

"Put yours on your desk," she directed at the captain, who brightened in acknowledgment of what it was, and then nodded and finished his walk back to his office. She could see him pick up the envelope and open it through his door from where she was sitting.

"Just how many of these did you make the poor kid decorate?"

She shrugged and took her seat. "Do you have any idea how much time we have to kill at appointments?"

"And making him do this is supposed to help him feel better? Isn't that poor kid going through enough?"

"Oh, he loves making drawings for his Unkie Munchie, John," she rolled her eyes. "Take a whiff. They aren't as cheap as you think. They're scented. That chemo bay smell – worth a small fortune."

John dropped the invitation back on his desk. "You actually had him making them at the hospital? God knows what super bugs you're bringing into here."

"Do you have to be so damn paranoid?" Fin demanded at him, and then looked at Liv. "Is this thing seriously 'bring your own booze'?"

She glanced up at him from where she was working at moving around some files on her computer that had come into her email overnight from the M.E.'s office.

"What's the difference between that and a cash bar?" She asked.

"That then I don't have to bring my own booze," Fin said.

She shrugged again. "Not my problem."

"How's it not your problem – it's your wedding," he said.

"Our theme is – not our problem," she told him with a grin and looked back at her screen. "Deal with it."

"It's all the way out on Staten Island?" John moaned again, apparently finally deciding to look inside the invitation. "Why don't you just host it on the moon?"

"Would you two stop bitching and moaning like little girls," Elliot said.

"Of course you don't care – you're used to driving across half the universe just to get to work," John waved his hand.

"I think you can handle the commute on one afternoon out of your whole life," Elliot pointed at him.

"What the hell is there on Staten Island anyways?" John sighed.

"Ah, Will's family?" Liv said in mock questioningly.

"Like that matters," John replied.

She rolled her eyes.

"Why's the invitation say that the kid is inviting us?" He added, still not seeming to be able to move on.

The invitation read:

Noah

Invites you to a celebration of family and the marriage of

his mom and dad

Olivia Benson

and

William Nathaniel McTeague

Their joyful outdoor ceremony will be held

at 4 p.m. on the afternoon of

Saturday, Oct. 20

at the home of

Theodore and May McTeague

531 Clermont Ave.

Tottenville, Staten Island.

Reception will immediately follow.

Please BYOB to this casual BBQ

and

evening of music and dancing.

RSVP by September 21.

"Because you sure as hell weren't on my invite list," she directed at him.

Elliot snorted again and gave her a smile. John glanced back at her for a moment and then shut up.

"How casual is casual?" Fin asked.

She looked his way again, examining his usually very casual but smart attire, and shrugged. "Casual. I don't care what you wear. I'd just like you guys to be there. OK? Can we drop it now? I told you – only commentary I need is the RSVP cards."

"How come his actually looks like something?" John interjected again, looking at Elliot, who'd finally taken his invitation out of the envelope. In terms of his looking like something – it was an orange circle – supposedly a basketball.

"I'm clearly his favourite," Elliot told John for her.

"He likes your kid, not you," John informed him.

"Same difference."

Cragen stuck his head out of his office. "Which one of these jokers do you want me to schedule as on-call that weekend, Olivia?"

She glanced at John. "Oh, I think John wants to volunteer for that."

"Just because I jest doesn't mean I want to miss it," John said a little dejectedly.

She gave him a little smile. She knew he was only being John with his extended commentary and inability to restrain himself.

"Well, I can't do it," Elliot said. "My presence is required."

Fin glanced at him. "Just because you're partners doesn't mean you get an automatic pass-card from the weekend beat."

"Oh, but I'm the maid of honour," he said and again pretended to fluff his hair – something he seemed to be enjoying to do a little too much whenever he got to mention her pending wedding.

Fin snorted and looked at Liv. "I really hope you're putting the bulldog in a skirt and lipstick. Then I sure ain't being put down as on-call that weekend."

Cragen looked at his detectives and sighed. "OK, folks, you let me know after you've worked it out amongst yourselves."

"You could always take the honours that weekend, Cap," Fin suggested.

"Ah, I don't think so," he said and disappeared back inside.

"Do we have to buy you something?" John asked now.

Olivia sighed.

"Jesus Christ, John, shut up," Elliot snapped at him.

John looked at the other detective. "OK, are you at least feeding us or do we have to bring that on our own too?"

Liv snorted. "There'll be food. I'll make sure you get seated near the toxic donuts. The fumes might help your temperament. Make you a bit more tolerable for the other guests."

"Now this is starting to sound like a real party," Fin said – and tossed his filled out RSVP card across the gap and onto her desk.

She gave him a smile and took it and put it into her top drawer with wallet.

"Great – you had to go and be the first one to reply?" John groaned. "Haven't you ever heard of being fashionably late?"

"Stop being an ass man. Ignore his noise," Fin directed at Liv. "We're all coming – wouldn't miss it."

**In case you haven't noticed, I've been updating some of the other stories in this series. I added a few chapters to Changes, which is set during Olivia's pregnancy and adds some context on the dynamic with Kurt and her and Elliot too. A few more chapters will be coming in it too.**

**I also started Rollercoaster, which is set for after where Undeserved is going to end, and takes place in the wake of Elliot leaving SVU and her interacting with Rollins and Amaro.**

**A chapter was also added to Love Your Forever.**

**Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated by PM or reviews**


	147. Chapter 147

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah came running into the squad room from the elevators at full speed.

"Look at my new backpack, Mom," he nearly yelled at her, he was so full of beans about it.

She smiled at him and put down her fork from her efforts at trying to eat some dinner into her before Will dropped him off and she took her boy out for a fun night.

She gave him her full attention, as he struggled to get the bag off his shoulders and show it too her, having to help him with the poorly adjusted straps. The blue and black pack was covered in Darth Vader busts and Star Wars motifs, of course, with a matching lunch-kit clipped on.

"Wow, super cool, Noah," she told him.

"We put all the school stuff in it already too," he told her even more excitedly and started to reach for the zippers to open it and play show-and-tell.

But then Eli called, "NOAH!" from up in the longue above them and her son looked up, glanced at her, and took off again without another word – show-and-tell forgotten.

She eyed Elliot with Noah's sudden exit – and he shrugged and smiled. "I'd pick hanging out with Eli over you too."

She rolled her eyes at him – but then glanced back towards the door as Will trudged in looking exhausted. He flopped into the seat next to her desk and handed her a shoebox. She smiled again and took it, flipping open the lid.

"You found them?" she asked, not really needing to. She was already looking at the product she'd sent him on a mission to find.

"You owe me big time," Will said. "We were all over half the fucking city looking for those."

She held up the canvas slip-ons decorated to look like T-Rexes to show Elliot.

"That's some fancy footwear," he commented and went back to eating his own Singapore noodles.

She admired them again with a huge grin on her face. She thought they were stupidly cool and knew Noah would love them too.

"I knew he'd pick these ones," she told Will.

"Mmm," Will mumbled with a full mouth, having picked up her fork and started eating her chicken in black-bean sauce. "You had some stiff competition, though. There were ones with Batman on them that he was pretty torn about. Almost got them instead."

She glared at him and grabbed the fork out of his hand. "Aren't they feeding you at your speaking thing?"

He rolled his eyes and took the fork back. "Yeah – but I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all day – and I couldn't get him to eat. So you'll have to work your magic there too."

She sighed. They were heading out directly from the prencict and Noah never liked Chinese – even if Will left any in the container when he was done picking at her dinner. "That's great, Will."

He shrugged. "Just get him some popcorn or something."

"Healthy. Filling. Good plan," she said sarcastically.

He shrugged again.

"Did you get all the back-to-school stuff on his class list?" she asked him, starting to look through the backpack.

"Mmm," he said, motioning at his full mouth again and slowly chewing and swallowing as she continued to root through the bag. "There were baggies and a Kleenex box, paper towels, sanitizer, Band-Aids and hand soap on the list. We didn't get that covered. Everything else. Why the fuck does he need all that? It's like we're stocking a fucking kitchen and first-aid cabinet for them or something." He glanced at Elliot. "Did your older kids have these fucking supply lists for back-to-school?"

"That hit when they were in about middle school," he nodded.

"Pain in the ass," Will commented.

"Will, watch the language," she demanded. "And, some of that is on the list, because of him – and his health situation – so stop moaning about it. They're trying to accommodate us."

"Mmm," he mumbled again, still shoveling her dinner in his mouth.

She pulled the container away from him. "Look at me," she said to him.

He glanced up at her. "What?" He'd moved to checking out the little white paper bag that had her egg roll in it. He held it up. "Can I have this?"

"No, Will, you can't. It's my dinner – and I don't think you need all the salt in this meal, right now. Look at me."

He sighed and looked back down at the desk instead, putting the egg roll back where he'd taken it from. She grabbed his chin in her one hand and forced him to make eye contact with her. He jerked away from her.

"You have a migraine," she told him, after examining his eyes for a moment and seeing the telltale green specks in them, along with his slightly dilated pupils. She could see when he came in that his face had looked flushed too and his forehead a clammy glean on it. His dismissiveness, grouchiness and swearing had only added to her suspicions that he was feeling off. She touched his cheek – it was hot.

He shrugged.

"Did you take your meds?" She asked.

"We've been out all fucking afternoon. I don't carry an entire fucking pharmacy with me like you."

"Hey," she grabbed his chin again and forced him to look at her. "Just because you're in pain, doesn't mean you get to talk like that."

He glared at her for a moment but quieted. She glanced at Elliot – who was watching them from across the desk. She could see he was measuring their interaction – and probably judging it too. Still, she ignored the look he was getting her and just opened her bottom drawer and pulled out her purse, putting it in her lap and digging around for the back-up supply of pills she kept in there. She'd started it for Noah – but she'd quickly learned that Will never carried his pills with him, so if he felt a migraine coming on while he was out of the house, he just lived in misery.

She handed him the little container that contained his prescription medication – and put her bottle of water over next to him.

He sighed. Clearly unimpressed that she was having to treat him like a child while they were out in public – and especially around people they knew, even more especially Elliot. But he popped the lid on the little plastic container and put one of the pills into his mouth and than sat there nursing the bottle of water.

"Not eating all day wasn't very smart," she commented at him.

He shrugged.

"Are you even going to be able to go and give your talk?" she asked.

He glanced at her. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She knew it mustn't be that bad yet. He was up and functioning and not lying in a dark room with an icepack or vomiting. Still, she knew if they hadn't caught it and got the medication into his system early enough, he might've missed the opportunity to keep it really at bay and he could still really suffering soon.

"Have you thrown up?"

He shrugged.

"Is that a yes?"

"I'm OK, Liv. Relax."

She watched him – but left it. "Did you manage to get any of the clothes shopping done?"

He shook his head at her. "Old Navy was complete fuc …" he stopped himself and looked at her and sighed. "It was crazy in there. I couldn't handle it. You can take him on the weekend. You're better at that shit anyways. I don't know what to get him. I'd just let him pick whatever. I wouldn't outfit him like you."

She nodded. It was true. But she just thought it would be quieter to get in and out of there in the middle of an afternoon on a weekday. But, whatever, she'd handle it herself.

She reached over and rubbed his hand. "Maybe you should just head home – call them and say you aren't well."

"I can't cancel out like two hours before I'm supposed to be up there speaking," he said.

"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time they've had to deal with something like that," she told him.

He shook his head again and looked at his watch. "I should actually get going. I'm running really late as it is."

"Are you going back to your office to change?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. I should've just sent the clothes in here with you this morning. Dumb."

"What you're in doesn't look that bad," she said, kind of lying about his jeans and ringer tee.

He snorted. "Yeah, you think this is a good outfit to wear to a $100 a plate dinner with a bunch of business execs?"

She gave him a smile. "The new, young, hip face of math?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm not any of those things anymore."

"The real deal Will McTeague? What you see is what you get?"

He shook his head. "I'll go back up my office and shower, change and head down."

He leaned forward and put a kiss on her temple – knowing she'd allow it since it was just Elliot still sitting in there at that point. Then he stood from his chair. He looked at the other detective.

"Rich isn't around, eh?"

Elliot shook his head. "Nah, he's meeting us up there."

Will nodded and opened up his messenger bag and pulled out a pile of books and handed them to Elliot, who looked at him questioningly.

"Liv said he's talking about videogames. I'm teaching my gamification course in the fall semester. Those books are on the reading list. I thought he might want to take a look at them – maybe audit the course. A basic understanding of math helps – but I get kids from all different majors in there. It's a popular course. It's kind of a big thing right now – lots of opportunities in the field. The course is Thursday nights."

Elliot was looking at the covers: Man, Play and Games; Casual Revolution; What Video Games Have Taught Us About Learning; Why Video Games Matter. Will couldn't really tell what he was thinking though.

"He's at City, right?" he asked.

The detective made a grunting sound, that Will took as an affirmative.

"His grades are pretty good?"

Elliot looked up at him at that and made a little frown and a shrug. "He does alright."

Will nodded and fished a couple business cards out of his wallet.

"Ah, NYU, we have the Game Center now. It's kind of a big thing in the country – really the first of it's kind. It's a two-year grad program, if he keeps his grades up. I get a lot of the kids who are trying to get into the program coming through some of my classes. I'm doing supervisor work for a kid that's working on his masters in the program right now too. It's pretty cutting-edge stuff they've got going on in there. It's exciting. Some of its graduates are going on to some big things in the industry. It's not just about simply designing and playing videogames anymore. The landscape has really changed with social media and how companies and government are using social networking to communicate and promote initiatives and products. It's pretty multi-discipline – math, new media, art, human development. We're approaching it as a cross-departmental initiative."

Elliot still didn't give any reaction. Olivia glared at him a bit from across the way but he was avoiding eye contact with her too. Will was really trying and she knew that wasn't exactly easy for Will. He was kind of scared of Elliot – still. And, she knew with him not feeling well, trying to be nice was likely even more challenging for him.

"Anyways," he handed Elliot one of the cards. "That's one of my colleagues who works over in the Game Center – if Rich wants to chat with someone about the opportunities coming out of there and what he would need to do to get into the program. And, here's my card," he added, handing that over as well. "I can talk to him too, if he wants, or see what I can do to help him out. Take him on a tour of the Center or of Courant or just NYU. Or if he decides he would be interested in auditing the course. He can't keep those books – sorry – so maybe he can drop them back to me when he's had a look. I'll be in my office every day right up until the start of the fall term at this point."

Elliot nodded and tapped the cover of the book he was reading the back of. "OK, thanks. I'll pass it along."

Will shrugged. "OK." He glanced at Liv.

"Make sure she gets into a cab for me after the movie, eh? Don't let her go dragging him through transit at that time of night to save us twenty bucks," he asked Elliot.

"Sure," the detective nodded.

Will looked behind him and up where Noah was playing with the other boy. "Hey, Noah, I'm taking off," he called and Noah's head popped up and over the couch.

"Bye," he said.

"Remember what I told you about the dinosaurs," he called again.

"They aren't real," Noah recited back to him.

Will smiled and nodded and looked at Liv. She grabbed his hand again.

"You catch a cab home too, OK?" she told him.

He nodded. "Yeah, I will. Have fun. Take a picture of the Enterprise for me, if you get a chance to see it."

She gave him a smile and nodded.

He looked a little sad about not getting to come up to the see the Movie Under the Stars showing of Jurassic Park at the Intrepid Sear, Air and Space Museum with them. Though, she knew if he was coming, they likely wouldn't be going at all, because of how he was clearly feeling.

She also wasn't entirely sure how excited she was to be seeing a movie surrounded by boys – Noah, Eli, Elliot and Dickie. She had a feeling it was going to end up feeling likely she needed a testosterone escape by the time the evening was over. Not to mention, she wasn't sure Noah was old enough for Jurassic Park, despite Will insisting compared to some of the super hero movies they'd let him watch, it was going to look a little hokey. But she still feared her son was going to be up with nightmares after watching the dinosaurs go on a flesh-eating rampage – no matter how many times Will reminded Noah the creatures weren't real or how many times he told her she wasn't remembering the movie right. What she remembered was the dinosaurs seeming pretty damn real-looking way back in 1993 – and there being a whole lot of scenes that made you jump. Though, she wasn't sure a Steven Speilberg movie classified as something that would make her jump anymore.

"OK, I'll see you later tonight," he said and leaned in again for another kiss, this time on the mouth, and she again allowed it.

She patted his chest. "Good luck with the speech. Knock it out of the park."

He gave her a thin smile and another hand squeeze, mouthing a 'thanks' and then walked towards the elevator.

She watched him go and waited until she heard the ding and could just see him walk through the doors, before meeting eyes with Elliot.

"Dickie should call him," she told him seriously.

Elliot glanced at her. He was still paging through the pile of books Will had left with him. He shrugged.

"El, Will's really good at what he does and he's well connected."

"I was just looking for some explanation on what sort of courses and career opportunities there were in all of this before having a man-to-man with my son about his future and initiative here," he said. "I wasn't looking for a free-pass for him."

Liv snorted. "El, trust me, Will doesn't give free-passes. He expects a hell of a lot out of the kids he tries to help out. If they don't put in the time, effort and give him the commitment – he's not going to return it. If Dickie's serious about this – Will can help guide him in the right direction. You should let him take advantage of that. Don't take that off the table just because it's Will that's offering it up."

Elliot made another grunting sound.

She sighed. "You know Will's still pretty terrified of you. He's trying for my sake. Maybe you could too?"

"I'll give Dickie the stuff," he conceded.

She nodded. "OK. Thanks." She paused. "You know it's Will and his brother that I'm going to be sending you out with for a fitting, right? Could you try not to traumatize him? Be nice?"

El snorted. "I don't do anything to scare him."

"You still look at him with all this suspicion in your eyes," she told him, "like he's one of our perps or something. Seriously, El, with the way you look at him – I can only imagine the looks you give to your girls' boyfriends when they bring them home."

He rolled his eyes.

"Just be nice, OK? I can't have him crapping himself on our wedding day because you're glaring at him."

"It doesn't matter what I think. But I like Will fine, Olivia," he told her seriously. "He's a good guy. I see that. And I know he's good to you and Noah. That's all that matters to me."


	148. Chapter 148

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She pulled Will's hand away from his mouth, where he was chewing at his already gnawed down fingernails.

"That's really unattractive," she told him, "and you doing that is making it really hard for me to tie this for you."

"Sorry," he muttered and tried to still his hands at his sides, though she could see that he was now just clenching and re-clenching each into fists.

She went back to working on tying his tie for him. She finished and looked at his face. He was looking off over her shoulder and had his brow creased in thought. She caressed his cheek and he brought his eyes to hers.

"You're fine," she told him, "and it's going to work out fine."

He sighed hard – but took a deep breath and nodded in a weak agreement.

She knew he was nervous. She was too. But Will's nerves seemed to be sitting at another level. She understood that, in a way, though. It really was who was being judged more than her. In some ways, anyways.

He really seemed to feel that if it didn't work out in their favour – it was going to be his fault, not just how the system worked. It didn't matter how many times she told him that – or that Gwen told him that. He just didn't seem to be absorbing it and was taking it on as a heavy burden of his own.

She wasn't sure how many times Will had read over the copy of their home study report that they'd been given. He seemed convinced that the judge was going to find something in it that would seal that deal against him. He hated the wording of some of it – and he'd even prickled at having to participate in certain aspects of it all.

She didn't particularly blame him. She'd done a home study previously when she had tried to adopt. She knew how intrusive they were and how upsetting it could be to see your life summarized in those pages – examined and regurgitate by some social worker who met with you just a handful of times and then got to judge your life. It was a harsh – and a deeply personal experience.

She thought in some ways Will had it a bit easier, though. Hers had gotten to go on and be judged by the adoption agency, which had decided she wasn't fit to be a parent, based on the report. It had stung in a way that was difficult to even explain. Even when she thought about it now, it hurt, especially with having her own child and having clearly been able to be a parent, and she thought a good parent at that. But apparently not good enough for the adoption agencies – not back then. She wondered if she would be now. Some of the same concerns had been highlighted in their current study as had appeared those years ago.

But Will didn't need to be approved by an agency. This was just a necessary step in having him approved by the judge as a step-parent. They couldn't take Noah away from Will whatever the judge said. Her son wasn't going anywhere, no matter what the outcome was at the end of the day. They were married. They were living together. They were a family. And, Will was a fundamentally important part of her son's life. She wanted for all of them to be able to say Noah was his – but she didn't need the law to acknowledge it for her to know it.

That didn't seem to be enough for Will, though. It just felt like another moment to him where his life was being judged by others and he was convinced he wasn't going to come up as good enough – that he was never good enough. So, he'd taken the report hard and hated knowing that the judge would be reading it and considering it in his decision based partially on its contents.

MCTEAGUE-BENSON HOME STUDY ADOPTION REPORT

Name: McTeague, William "Will" Nathaniel (petitioner); Benson, Olivia (mother)

Address: #1A-128 West 78th St, New York, NY

Date of Marriage: Aug. 2, 2012 (Confirmed via marriage licence #10185)

Child(ren) in Home: Noah Evan Benson (Born: May 27, 2006, CONFIRMED)

Reason for Home Study: Mr. McTeague has submitted an application for a step-parent adoption of the child.

Referral Information: The family was referred to our agency by the Family Court for evaluation. Ms. Benson is petitioning for the termination of the child's biological father's parental rights. The biological father, Kurt Moss, has signed the termination papers. Mr. McTeague is prepared to take on legal and financial responsibility for the child, as well as physical custody and has filed an adoption petition.

Dates of Contact:

June 26, 2012 – Telephone contact and initial information-gathering interview conducted, as well as appointments with the families and references scheduled.

July 9, 2012 – Interview of Mr. McTeague in home with Ms. Benson and Noah also present. Home inspection tour completed.

July 13, 2012 –Interviews completed with Mr. McTeague's family (parents, two brothers, two sisters-in-law, met five of his eight nieces and nephews). Interviews completed at the home of Mr. McTeague's parents.

July 18, 2012 – Telephone interviews completed with Ms. Benson's references, as well as Mr. McTeague's referrals confirmed.

July 26, 2012 – Couple interview completed in the home; Noah also present in the home.

Aug. 7, 2012 – Individual interviews of Mr. McTeague, Ms. Beson and Noah completed in the home.

Identifying Information:

| | WILLIAM | OLIVIA |

| SOCIAL SECURITY #: | 128-70-899 | 139-70-888 |

| DRIVER'S LICENCE #: | NY #NYN 333 | NY #NYN 435 |

| DATE OF BIRTH | 07-01-73 | 23-10-68 |

| PLACE OF BIRTH | NEW YORK, NY | NEW YORK, NY |

| HIGHEST EDUCATION | PHD, MATH | BA, PSYCHOLOGY |

| OCCUPATION | PROFESSOR | DETECTIVE, 1ST GRADE |

| EMPLOYER | NEW YORK UNIVERSITY | NYPD |

| DATE OF MARRIAGE | 02-08-12 | SAME |

| PLACE OF MARRIAGE | NEW YORK CITY | SAME |

| RELIGION | CATHOLIC | NA |

GENERAL INFORMATION

William ("Will") and Olivia requested this adoption home study be conducted to facilitate a petition they have before the Family Court, regarding a step-parent adoption of Olivia's six-year-old son, Noah. The completion of the home study is a requirement of the Family Court, as part of an examination of an extenuating circumstance in their home, where they would like to have the adoption papers go through ahead of having established themselves within one-year of marriage.

Olivia has filed for the termination of parental rights from her son's biological father. This petition is also pending approval from the Family Court. However, the child's biological father has signed the papers for the termination and has not filed a challenge with the court.

Noah has acute lymphocytic leukemia and is currently undergoing long-term maintenance treatment for his condition. The costly treatment is expected to continue for at least 30 more months. Will has played an active role in the physical support of Noah for approximately four years – and has also aided in the financial support of Noah for approximately 15 months.

Will and Olivia have recently married, following a relationship that has spanned approximately four years, and would like to have Will established as Noah's step-parent. Will understands that the adoption of Noah would make him legally and financially responsibly for the child. Will would also like the adoption to reflect a right to his physical custody of the child.

Will and Olivia feel Noah's illness and the emotional, as well as significant financial, implications it has put on the family merits their case being considered as an extenuating circumstance. They feel Will being noted as Noah's legal father would be emotionally uplifting for the child. It would also have numerous practical implications in terms of Will being able to more readily participate in decisions about the boy's health and to interact with the child's health care providers. It would also be an acknowledgement of the significant financial support Will is providing in dealing with the costs of the boy's current care.

Will and Olivia understand that the completion of this home study does not guarantee that their petition for adoption will be granted.

Will has never petitioned for adoption before – nor has he completed a home study previously. Olivia completed a home study previously and was denied approval as adoption candidate (2005, documentation attached). The denial came from the adoption agency she was working with and was based on her being a single woman in a demanding job that has long and irregular hours. A lack of a family support network is also noted in the previous report. Olivia did not pursue adoption through another agency at the time or complete further home studies. Noah is her biological child.

The interviews for this home study report were completed in the apartment of Will and Olivia, in the first-storey of a triplex in the city's Upper West Side. Noah was present during these visits.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION OF WILLIAM "WILL" NATHANIEL MCTEAGUE

William "Will" Nathaniel McTeague was born on January 7, 1973, in New York, New York (CONFIRMED with birth certificate). He is the third of three male children for Theodore ("Ted") and May McTeague. His father, age 68, was a successful deputy division chief with the New York Fire Department and was also actively involved in work with the fire association's union. He is now retired. His mother, age 67, was a stay-at-home mother until the two older boys reached high school age. She then returned to work as an elementary school receptionist. She is also now retired. They reside in the Tottenville neighbour of Staten Island.

Will has two older brothers: Robert ("Rob") and Thomas ("Tom"), aged 47 and 45, respectively.

Rob lives with his spouse, Karen, and they have five children: James ("Jimmy"), Michael ("Mikey"), Anne-Marie, Tobias ("Tobey") and Louise. Tobey and Louise currently in their teens and live at home, while the three older children are all working towards obtaining a post-secondary education. Rob is a firefighter, currently a captain, serving as an engine commanding officer. Karen is a high school nurse. They also reside in the Tottenville community of Staten Island, next door to Rob's parents.

Tom lives with his spouse, Rebecca ("Becky") and they have three children: Thomas Jr. ("Tommy"), Wendice ("Wendy"), and Kyle. Tom also works with the New York Fire Department as an EMS Lieutenant. Becky is a stay-at-home mother. The family resides in the Tottenville community of Staten Island, in a home next door to Rob's family.

On the whole, Will's immediate family is in fair physical and mental health. Ted was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease at the age of 61. He currently still in the early stages of the disease, though, it has affected some of his motor functions. His symptoms are currently managed with medication. Mikey has juvenile diabetes while Tommy and Kyle are treated for attention-deficit, hyperactivity disorder. Rob and Tom have both received treatment related to reduced lung-capacity following their work at the World Trade Centre City site in the months following the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. They have both since recovered and the damage did not have long-term implications on their positions at work – nor have any other concerns for diseases related to their exposure to the site yet been detected. Rob, however, receives treatment for post-traumatic stress. The extended family has a history of Alzheimer's Disease, as well, as breast cancer in its women.

Will is close with his family and he, Olivia and Noah go to Staten Island at least once a month – usually on a Sunday, to join the family for the weekend meal. They occasionally stay an entire weekend, and overnight in Ted and May's home. Will also returns home to participate in sporting activities with his brothers about once a month, on a Saturday morning. His brothers and their families periodically visit Will, Olivia and Noah in Manhattan or join them for activities the children are likely to enjoy around the city. His parents often host large family events at the various holidays during the year and Will, Olivia and Noah usually attend. The family makes a habit of attending events and activities that its members participate in and Will's family has come out in support of him at various functions, as well as Noah. He, Olivia and Noah have also attended various functions of his nieces and nephews to demonstrate their support as well.

Will grew up in a very family-oriented environment. The family regularly attended church, and Will's mother remains active in her parish. The family was also actively involved in the community while Will was growing up, including the firefighter community, the school community and various sports teams the boys were involved in. The family often took vacations together that were usually focused on camping and road-trips to surrounding states. Will has fond memories of a road trip that family took to Grand Canyon when he was nine years old.

Will's parents actively encouraged him to be involved in the community and to participate in various clubs and sports. Will took swimming and piano lessons as a child and also played in Little League. During high school, he ran cross-country in the fall and was a member of the track-and-field team every spring. He became involved in the school band, as well as its chess club, debate club, trivia-challenge club, and math club while he was a teenager. Though he didn't participate in team sports as a teen, he and his family would regularly engage in hockey, football and basketball scrimmages among themselves and with other children in the neighbourhood.

Will's parents always welcomed the boys' friends into their home and invited them to participate in the family's events and festivities. Will's parents, however, report that their youngest son was an introverted child who preferred individual activities and sports. Will maintained a small, but close-knit, group of friends while growing up, some of who he is still in contact with.

Will states that his family-life could be overbearing and overwhelming and admits he at times felt he struggled to fit in with his extroverted brothers and parents. However, he has managed to maintain a close relationship with his family – particularly his mother and his oldest brother, Rob.

Will reports he has a respectful relationship with his father, but they do not share many interests and he often spends more time visiting and talking with his mother when he is in communication with his parents. Ted indicated that his youngest son had a very different personality than his other boys and he was often hard on Will while he was growing up. Ted's lack of understanding of Will's interests and inability to relate to them meant that he often did not attend various events and activities that Will was involved in, while he did go to the other boys' sports events. Ted and May also tried to actively encourage – and at times force – Will to participate in activities in which he wasn't interested. This created more tension between the the son and his father, and reinforced Will's feelings as an outsider in his family. It meant Ted and Will often argued, especially while he was a teen, and Ted was strict with him because of it. Will often was grounded or had extra chores at home. Ted reports that Will also struggled with his shift work as a firefighter at the time – and actively expressed to his father that he did not feel he was there for his family or for him. However, Ted indicates he has some regrets about his interactions with his youngest son now and that he is very proud of Will's achievements in his academics and career.

Will also reports that he has a respectful relationship with his brother Tom, but that they do not as actively interact with each other. Will and Olivia, however, often do spend time with Tom's wife and children, who are near in age to Noah. Will reports that Tom picked on him a lot as a child, and that his parents generally allowed it to continue. Some of the arguments between the brothers growing up resulted in physical injuries for Will – including a broken arm, a broken finger and stitches. Will reports those incidents are not something he has ever truly been able to forgive-and-forget about. He adds that even as an adult Tom does not seem to accept the differences in interests that Will has from him, nor does he seem to respect Will's career choices. Tom consistently referred to Will as "Willie" during the family interview, a name which Will has reported he dislikes. Tom also referred to his brother as "baby brother". Tom expressed great pleasure in the fact that Will gets together with his brothers once a month for a scrimmage of hockey. He showed considerable support for Will's petition to adopt Noah, and expressed that he feels Noah and Olivia are important and contributing members of the McTeagues' family now – and that his children, particularly, enjoy having Noah as a playmate at family functions.

Will states that despite the conflicts he has had with his family, and particularly with his parents while a teen and seeking his independence and pursuing interests different from his family, he always felt loved by his family. Though, he did not always feel supported. He did, however, feel secure at home.

Will states that his father was the main disciplinarian in their household. Discipline methods focused on the restriction of privileges and increased responsibilities, and the monitoring thereof. Will hopes to raise Noah in a similar manner to his home life in terms of discipline – but made a point to state that he intends to let Noah explore his own interests and ensure that he feels supported and encouraged in that, even if they do not necessarily match Will's skills or interests. Will does not believe in spanking and will not use that form of discipline in his home. Will does believe in the use of time-outs, groundings and reductions to allowance and other privileges as forms of discipline. They are methods that he and Olivia already use with Noah.

Will says that he feels he had a great childhood and that his home was a loving environment. He hopes to be able to provide the same for Noah and to give him similar childhood experiences and the same safe and loving environment to grow-up in.

Will discovered his interest and talent in math while still a child. He greatly enjoyed all the statistics involved in baseball and also became quite engaged in the various card games that his parents would often have friends over to play while he was growing-up. While he was at university, he became involved in a Bridge Club and later a boardgame club that focused on complex strategy games and game design. He has participated in competitions and was won on a national level. He also has designed his own card games.

He also greatly enjoys music and was a member of a rock band while he attended university, as well. Will can play the piano and the guitar, and has recently been more actively playing both after a hiatus. He says he has been finding the time to jam with some colleagues in his department at the university. He is also teaching Noah how to play the guitar.

Will is extremely physically active and either jogs or swims every morning. He has been a tri-athlete since 2002 and has twice participated in the New York City Triathlon. He intends to continue to enter his name into the race lottery in coming years, but did not this year, due to time commitments with Noah's health having implications for his training routine. Will also regularly participates in shorter charity races, which is something Olivia now also often joins him in. Will's other athletic activities include regularly participating in basketball scrimmages at the university gym and returning to Staten Island at least once a month for a weekend scrimmage in a men's league that his brothers participate in on Saturday mornings.

Will reports that he and Olivia try to find time to jog together and that they also attend spinning classes together about twice a month. Noah is currently participating on a Tball team in their community, and Will has been attending the games and helping the child practice at home. Will, Olivia and Noah spend a lot of time walking in Central Park and at its various playgrounds. They often take a soccer ball with them. They enjoy attending sporting events as well and have been to professional basketball and baseball games in the city.

Will describes himself as a hard-working, loyal, dedicated and patient man. He believes family is the most important thing in life. He also believes in making the most of each day and tries to live up to that in his work and personal life.

EDUCATION OF WILLIAM "WILL" NATHANIEL MCTEAGUE

Will graduated with honours from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology with a Bachelor of Science in physics in 1995 (CONFIRMED). He went on to complete his doctorate in applied mathematics at Harvard University in 2001 (CONFIRMED).

EMPLOYMENT OF WILLIAM "WILL" NATHANIEL MCTEAGUE

Will is a tenured mathematics professor at New York University (CONFIRMED). He joined the university in 2004 as an associate professor. He earned the position of full-professor in early 2012. He previously worked at Harvard for three years as an adjunct professor of mathematics, following the completion of his doctoral studies in the spring of 2001.

Will's schedule is variable and is based around the courses he teaches in a given semester. It means that Will's schedule is predictable for months at a time but that he does work some early mornings and through some evenings. Will also has office hours, faculty meetings, academic supervisory responsibilities and research that take up the rest of his work week. Beyond his teaching and research, Will also is a frequent contributor to textbooks and academic journals and a sought-after speaker for conferences and luncheons in his field, which focuses on the applications of game theory in e-commerce and social networking.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION OF OLIVIA BENSON

Olivia Benson was born October 23, 1968 in New York City, New Work (CONFIRMED with birth certificate). She is the only child of Serena Benson (deceased, CONFIRMED with death certificate). No father is stated on her birth certificate. Olivia states that she is a child of rape. Olivia believes she located the identity her father in her adult life, following her mother's death. However, that man, who she identifies as Joseph Hollister, is also deceased and she never obtained an official or legal confirmation of his identity in relation to her lineage.

Olivia's mother worked as a professor of Classical Literature at Columbia University, prior to her death in 2000 at the age of 61. Olivia reports that her mother was an alcoholic, and had some health complications related to that, but that she is not aware of her having ever been officially diagnosed with any other physical or mental health complications. Olivia believes her mother had unresolved mental and emotional issues in relation to her rape. Olivia does consume alcohol – but infrequently and only socially, and does not feel she's ever demonstrated any problems with it or any other type of substance abuse. There is nothing in her provided information and files to suggest otherwise.

Regarding siblings, Olivia located a man she believes to be her younger half-brother during her attempts to identify her father. Simon Marsden has some troubled history with the law, including allegations of sexual assault, rape and as a fugitive of the law. He has since been cleared of all charges. However, despite previous attempts to establish a relationship with Simon, Olivia has indicated she has not been in touch with him for about five years and does not currently have any intentions to regain ties with the man. Simon has never met Noah, though she says he is aware she has a son. She is not aware of Simon's current martial status nor if he has any children. She could not provide concrete information regarding his current residence.

Olivia reports that she had a difficult childhood and a strained relationship with her mother – which she now relates to her mother coping with her rape and her growing alcoholism. Olivia says her teen years were especially difficult at home and she kept to herself at school. However, she was a bright student, earning honours such as Scholar of the Month and even homecoming queen in her junior year. She reports she more easily related to individuals who were slightly older than her, and had the opportunity to meet and interact with students at the university because of her mother's work. She strove to make her mother happy but feels she was unsuccessful at that.

Olivia says she experienced a notable absence of having a father while growing up. She has stated she does not want her son to experience that, which is part of the reason her and Will are pursuing the step-parent adoption process. Noah's biological father has been uninvolved in his life – only meeting the child on three brief occasions. Olivia reports that her mother did not explain to her why her father was absent until she was a teenager, and though she feels it explained a lot about her childhood, it also increased the tension and difficulty her and her mother had during her teens.

Olivia describes her childhood as lonely and reports that she often felt overlooked and unloved. Religion was not a dominant force in Olivia's upbringing but her mother did expose her to a lot of arts and culture – though mostly through books and discussion. Academic success and the ability to express ideas and opinions in an educated debate were highly valued in her home.

Olivia and her mother rarely left the city while she was growing up. However, Olivia often spent part of her summer vacations with her grandparents in Albany. She reports that her grandfather was an important influence in her life – and one of the only male influences and father figures she had a child. However, he passed away when she was 12. Her grandmother died when she was 15. Her mother once took her to England on holiday and they did a literary tour, which she has fond memories of, especially spending time in Stratford-Upon-Avon and Canterbury.

Olivia was an active reader as a child, and continues to read rather prolifically today. Books are something she now shares with her son, who is also an early reader. Olivia has a special talent with languages and is fluent in Italian and French, as well as conversational Spanish. Olivia's academic abilities, helped her earn a partial scholarship to Siena College. She reports she picked the college because of its proximity to where her grandparents had lived and she'd spent her summers. She found that to be comforting in terms of desire to leave home and get out of the city. She relates both her time at the school and her visits to her grandparents as some of the happier periods in her early life.

Olivia excelled at her university studies, where she completed a bachelor's degree in psychology. She was a member of a sorority while she worked on her degree and also participated in intramural sports on the campus, including volleyball. It was during this period that she also took up jogging. Early on in completing her studies she decided she would like to become a police officer with the New York Police Department. She began the required testing and entered the academy to become a cadet immediately upon obtaining her degree.

Olivia says she frowned upon her mother's alcoholism and attempted to help her get herself help as she, herself, became an adult. But her mother never pursued those avenues. However, Olivia and her mother were able to re-establish a better relationship in her 20s and did spend time together. Olivia states that her mother was proud of her academic achievements but didn't approve of her decision to become a police officer. Her mother had concerns about her later working as a detective with Manhattan's Special Victims Unit, which focuses on sex crimes. Olivia says one of the reasons she choose to work in the specialized unit is because of her mother's experience and how it had impacted both of their lives.

Olivia reports that there was not any real discipline in her home while growing up – describing any confrontations as very loud and unresolved arguments. She reports that she was sent to her room a lot – but also retreated there on her own accord to avoid contact with her mother. She acknowledges that her mother did use spanking and physical restraint in their arguments and as a form of discipline. She reports that it caused problems for them when Olivia got older, and as a teen, would often fight and push back during the altercations with her mother. This created a legal issue for Olivia when she was 16 – but it was settled and her and her mother were still able to have a relationship after it.

Olivia says she does not parent her son in the way her mother parented her. She reports that she believes in firm discipline and strict rules for her son – but that when Noah is being disciplined the reasons behind it are always made clear for him and that she ensures she applies discipline in a loving and gentle manner. She reports that she uses primarily uses time-outs and privilege reductions in disciplining her son. Olivia has a 'naughty spot' for Noah in the living room of their home for his time-outs and she reports that he also is sent to his room on occasion. She does not believe in spanking or any other kind of corporal discipline and it is not used in her home.

Olivia states that it is extremely important to her that her son feel loved and valued and that she works to ensure she expresses those things to Noah on a daily basis. She also strives to be physically affectionate with her son, as she did not receive many hugs from her mother while growing up. Olivia believes it is important for Noah to have the opportunity to see and do new things – not just learn through books and debate, like how her mother raised her during much of her younger years. So she often takes her son on outings and to museums and activities around the city. She says she hopes her son will feel he had a full and loving childhood, where he knew he was safe and cared for.

Olivia still reads in her free time and also enjoys completing the New York Times' crossword puzzles. She enjoys cooking for her son and also has come to enjoy doing various arts and craft activities with Noah. Her and Noah are registered to take a poetry class together on weekends in the fall, which she expressed excitement about.

Olivia has remained physically active throughout her adult life. She often jogs and attends spinning classes, which Will sometimes joins her for. She has also participated in kickboxing classes and used to be an avid rock-climber, before her son was born. She still occasionally goes to indoor gyms to participate in the activity on a casual basis. She remains active with her son, as well, often taking him swimming and to the park. Enjoying watching professional sports on television is something her and Will share – especially the Yankees and Knicks, though Olivia reports she also enjoys watching football while Will does not.

Olivia describes herself as a hard-working, dedicated and caring person. She acknowledges she is very stubborn. She cites her son and her work as the two most important things in her life. She says Will's support has been crucial for her being able to effectively raise her son the way she wants to while still continuing with her career.

EDUCATION OF OLIVIA BENSON

Olivia graduated from Siena College in 1990 with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. Upon graduation, she immediately began the exam, physical testing and interview process to earn acceptance into the College Point Police Academy in Queens, where she completed the two-year cadet program.

EMPLOYMENT OF OLIVIA BENSON

After completing the NYPD cadet program, Olivia officially joined the department's ranks, initially as an officer. She was appointed a detective, third grade in 1998 and volunteered to serve with Manhattan's Special Victims Unit out of the 16th Precinct, where she continues to work today. She has progressed through the ranks and is currently a detective, 1st grade. Olivia has also worked out of the Computer Crimes unit and has completed various assignments with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Olivia's hours are unpredictable. However, she is currently working on an adjusted schedule to accommodate Noah's medical needs and to be able to take him to his appointments and care for him following his chemotherapy treatments. Olivia generally is scheduled to work a normal business hour shift. However, she participates in rotating midnight and weekend shifts. She is also scheduled as on-call during weekends once a month. It is not uncommon for Olivia to be called into work during her off-duty hours, and this can mean she is leaving the home in the middle of the night, very early in the morning or on weekends. She regularly has to put in extra hours.

Olivia has actively continued her training with the NYPD and as sought out opportunities to continue her education and to build her skills. Her extended career with Special Victims has made her a sought-after speaker to and is also often invited to speak at various events and luncheons in the city.

Olivia is a decorated officer and has received commendations from the Police Commissioner and the Chief of Detectives for her work with the NYPD.

MARRIAGE OF MCTEAGUE-BENSONS

Judge Lena Petrovsky married Will and Olivia on August 2, 2012 in her chambers at the New York City courthouse. (CONFIRMED)

Will and Olivia met while living in the same condominium building in Hamilton Heights. They were neighbours. They became quick friends, initially based around spending a lot of time in the same coffee house on their weekends. Sharing the newspaper, crossword puzzles and arguments about the Knicks' line-up in that season were the early foundations of their friendship. It evolved into them watching many of the games together and sharing time together with Noah at playgrounds and parks in their community.

Will states that he knew the relationship would amount to something serious and long-term early on, while Olivia says for her, though she valued his friendship, it was a slower process where she grew to greatly love and appreciate Will over time.

Will and Olivia were seeing each other exclusively for approximately three years before they publicly acknowledged their relationship as more than just friends to Will's family and Olivia's friends and colleagues. They continued the then stated-relationship for approximately 14 more months before deciding to get married.

They state that their decision to marry wasn't just out of the love they share, but as a commitment to the family they've established and as a concrete commitment to Noah – for him to have a father in his life and for Will to fulfill that role. Because of the exclusivity of their relationship, Will and Olivia define their relationship as being about four-years in length at this point.

Will says he made concrete efforts to begin better establish he, Olivia and Noah as a more nuclear family prior to proposing. Will has been involved in Noah's life on a near daily basis since the boy was approximately two years old. That presence became more concrete after Noah was diagnosed with leukemia. Olivia and Will cite that as a point where they became more open to others about the extent of their relationship. It was also shortly there after that they began to live together. Will found the apartment they currently live in. He chose it and showed it to Olivia because it was closer to her work, closer to the hospital where Noah receives his treatment, and in the district of a school Olivia hoped her son would be able to attend. Shortly after the move, Will reports he began saving for an engagement ring and proposed to Olivia in March of this year.

Though, Will and Olivia have very different family backgrounds, they believe they share similar feelings of alienation from their childhood and growing up. But they also believe they share familiar personalities – both separately describing the other as stubborn but extremely caring and giving.

They indicate they enjoy talking about the news and world issues and sharing thoughts and ideas, especially when it comes to topics around culture, religion, morals and politics. They report that though they do see eye-to-eye on several issues, they share similar morals and values. They also share similar tastes and interests in terms of reading, music and getting out of the house to take advantage of what the city has to offer. They both expressed that they greatly enjoy just spending time together – even on simple things, such as grocery store runs, a joint jog after work before heading home, making dinner together, reading the weekend papers at a coffee shop or going on walks in Central Park as a family.

They are supportive of each other's work and both expressed a deep pride in the other's accomplishments and drive in their respective careers. They also support each other's activities and interests at home, and indicate that they ensure the other has time to pursue those hobbies and activities. Though it can at time be challenging right now with the time commitments involved in caring for Noah.

Both Will and Olivia indicated that they feel they can discuss anything with the other person without being judged and they often share their most intimate feelings. They say their ability to communicate and share their emotions and feelings has grown exponentially while they have dealt with Noah's illness and offered each other support in managing that. They both referred to the other as their "best friend" in their separate interviews.

Olivia has no previous marriages. Will is a widower. He married in July 2001 and his wife died on September 11, 2001 in the South Tower of the World Trade Center. He had been in a relationship with Tessa Skalski for approximately three years prior to their marriage and her subsequent death. They did not have any children and Will now only has sporadic communication with her living family. He was not close with Tessa's family prior to her death and does not consider them to be part of his extended family at this point in his life.

Will and Olivia both expressed they are deeply committed to their new marriage. Though, they are already married by law, they intend to re-affirm that commitment to each other in front of their family and friends in a wedding ceremony scheduled for the fall of 2012.

MOTIVATIONS AND ATTITUDES TOWARDS THE ADOPTION

Olivia feels there is a fundamental importance to a child having a father in their life, especially a boy. She indicates that she – and Noah – have both chosen Will to fill that role, given the absence of her son's biological father. Will is deeply committed to Olivia and Noah, and repeatedly expressed, that he is overjoyed to be part of a family of his own. Olivia and Will say that the step-parent adoption is the next logical step for them in re-affirming their commitment to living and growing together as one family.

Will and Olivia report they have talked extensively about their decision to move ahead with the adoption process and what it means for each of them, as well as Noah. They have communicated their personal feelings about it to each other – as well as participated in a court-ordered mediation process. Will and Olivia have both read books and conducted online research about becoming an integrated family and Will serving as a step-father. Will has also attended a state-mandated parenting workshop as part of the adoption process. Will indicates he feels aware of and educated on the challenges being a step-parent and father to Noah may present and that he is prepared to take on all those challenges and responsibilities. Will spoke with enthusiasm about getting to be a part of Noah's life and his hopes to officially earn the title of his father. Olivia has expressed she feels Will has demonstrated the qualities she wants her son to have in a father and that he has served as a loving, present and patient daddy to Noah for the majority of his life so far.

Family and friends expressed extreme support of Olivia and Will's decision to apply for step-parent adoption. Olivia's references especially made clear that she takes all decisions involving her son very seriously and has not made the choice lightly. Will and Olivia's references all expressed that they feel the couple understands that even step-parent adoption is a decision that is a lifelong choice and that Olivia has demonstrated her commitment to having Will in her and Noah's lives and that Will has demonstrated his commitment to Olivia and Noah.

ADOPTION READINESS

Will is already living with Olivia and Noah in a nuclear family environment. They have been sharing the responsibilities of raising Noah and caring for him, especially at this difficult time in his life. Will has expressed that he sees Olivia allowing him to act as the father to her son as a precious gift.

Noah is aware that Will is not his biological father, though he does not have any knowledge or information about who his real father is. Olivia has expressed that as Noah grows older and asks more questions about his biological father, she intends to answer them honesty. She has not decided if she will allow Noah to see his biological father while he is still a minor, should the termination of parental rights be granted. But she will also provide her son with information about who his father is, should he want to connect with him as an adult. She says Noah currently only knows Will as his father and the boy refers to the man as Daddy. Will and Olivia both acknowledge that if, and when, Noah starts asking more questions about his biological father will be a difficult time emotionally for them – but it is something they are prepared to have to deal with at some point in the future and intent to approach in with honesty and with keeping Noah's best interests in mind.

CHILD REARING PATTERNS AND DISCIPLINE PLAN

Will and Olivia do not believe in hitting or screaming at children. They both strongly feel that timeout, consequences and positive reinforcements are the best form of behaviour modification. Will and Olivia both have education and experience in utilizing these techniques from their schooling and their career paths. They feel that so far it is working well with Noah, who they describe as a mostly well-behaved, calm, adjusted and balanced child.

As Noah gets older, they intend to implement consequences, withdraw privileges, and set firm limits that are appropriate for a child his age and in his situation. They indicated they are becoming more experienced at still dealing with misbehaviour in a child while acknowledging Noah's unique situation right now, which they say can cause various fears, frustrations and other emotions in the boy that manifest themselves in tantrums, tears and other forms of misbehaviour. But they report they have continued to be consistent in ensuring inappropriate behaviour is acknowledged, a reasonable consequence is applied and that Noah still has expectations placed on him in terms of age-appropriate chores.

Will and Olivia expressed they believe in discipline without harming Noah's self-esteem. They also do not believe discipline should ever be applied while they are in a state of anger. Will and Olivia believe in teaching Noah through example and in open and honest communication.

Olivia tends to be the key disciplinarian in their home, but Will is taking on an increasingly more active role. Olivia says they made a joint and conscious decision for Will to more actively discipline Noah and that Will has been proactive about taking on that role. Will has modeled much of his approach to disciplining Noah on the standards Olivia has set with her son. Both of them believe in working as a united parental unit. They do not contradict or challenge each other in front of Noah, when they do have a disagreement about how something is being approached.

Will has signed ACS's Discipline Statement and states he agrees with the intent and purposes of the policy. His signed statement is attached and will be maintained as part of the family's permanent file.

HOME AND COMMUNITY

Olivia, Will and Noah are the only members of their household. Their apartment is in a triplex on a tree-lined, residential street that is occupied by other brownstones and triplexes. It is in an upper-middle class area of the Upper West Side. Will and Olivia describe their neighbourhood as diverse and family-oriented. Noah's school is within easy walking distance. They are also close to transit, doctor's offices, food marts, pharmacies, banks and other stores. There are diverse recreational opportunities in their area, with them within easy walking distance to Central Park and Riverside Park. They also regularly use the local indoor pool and participate in activities at the library and community centre. The cultural opportunities in the area are immense, with the Museum of Natural History and Rose Centre Planetarium only blocks away, where the family has an annual membership.

Their apartment is three levels. The main level includes the front foyer, Noah's bedroom, a full bathroom with an attached laundry area, a living room, a kitchen and a dining room area. The dining room opens onto a small patio, which is surrounded by high brick walls. The upper level and basement level of their apartment compromise half-floors of the triplex. The upper level is occupied exclusively by the master bedroom, which has an en suite full bathroom and a small den. Will and Olivia currently are using the little space as to hold a desk and some of Will's filing cabinets. They also have a treadmill in the room. They indicated that the door to the den is kept closed and Noah is not allowed to enter it. The basement level is currently being used as a small playroom for Noah.

During the home visits, the apartment appeared to be tastefully decorated, welcoming and appropriate for a child. The housekeeping standards kept in the apartment are good. The space appeared to be well-maintained both inside and outside and appeared to be a safe environment for a child. The home also appeared to provide plenty of space for Noah as he continues to grow and has evolving needs.

Smoke detectors were present in all the major rooms and carbon monoxide detectors are on every level of the apartment. A fire extinguisher is present in the kitchen and the foyer closet of the apartment.

Olivia has a service weapon, as well as one personal firearm licenced in her name. While at home, her service weapon is kept in a hidden lockbox on the top-shelf of the foyer closet. Olivia has an additional lockbox in one of the master bedroom closets, which is where her personal firearm is usually kept.

Will and Olivia currently rent the home. They have resided at the residence since December 2011. They stated that they truly love their apartment and hope to be able to continue their lease well beyond just the foreseeable future. They do not currently have any intentions of moving elsewhere, nor are they exploring buying their own residence at this time.

The checklist of the physical review of the home is attached; its record will be kept on the family's permanent file.

Paperwork regarding their lease and rental agreement is also attached.

SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS

Will has a large family, while Olivia has a strong network of close friends.

Will indicates that he often seeks support and advice from his older brother Rob – and that it is also his brothers who he often has most of his social interaction with. Will does have a network of colleagues at work, who he has social interactions with in that environment. He is a frequent visitor at a local comic book store and boardgame café – and he is well known in those communities. Will has three friends from his time at university that he keeps in touch with via telephone and email. However, he usually only sees them once a year. He has two friends from high school that he also keeps in touch with but they too no longer live in the city.

Olivia points to Elliot Stabler, who served as her primary reference in this process, as her main source of support outside of her home. Mr. Stabler has been Olivia's partner at work for approximately 12 years. She describes Mr. Stabler as her family and holds him among her closest friends. She says he is a person she often seeks advice and support from. Olivia is also close with some of her other colleagues at work, all of which she does have social interactions with outside of the workplace. It is not uncommon for her to have dinner or drinks with other police officers after a shift. She has a network of colleagues who she also knows from her work, who she receives friendship and support from. Olivia cited two female friends as people she seeks support from. One friendship was formed through her work while the other is a neighbourhood friend from while she was growing-up. However, both of those women have moved in and out of the city and there have been gaps in their friendship and communication.

Will and Olivia both acknowledge that their jobs and their personalities mean they do not have large friend groups or support groups outside of their work. Much of their social interaction currently occurs with Will's family, who is very supportive of the couple and Noah. Will and Olivia very much rely on each other for friendship, companionship, advice and support.

However, they are slowly beginning to establish relationships with other families at the hospital where Noah receives treatment and from some of the programs and activities he participates in. They like their community and they are striving to be more visible and active members in it, particularly within his school community, which has also been supportive of the family while they deal with Noah's illness.

FAMILY LIFE

Will and Olivia describe their family life as rather routine, stating they doubt it would be very different from what would be observed in the life of any other family.

On a typical weekday, Olivia tends to take on the role of preparing breakfast for the family, packing lunches and readying Noah for school. She is often the one who walks Noah to school. Most nights of the week it is Will who meets Noah following school and puts him down for a nap or plays with him for part of the afternoon. Their afternoon play usually includes a sport outdoors, Lego building or action figure role-playing. Will is usually the person in the house who makes dinner. Olivia and Will share the duties surrounding preparing Noah for bed, after dinner. Their evenings tend to include some sort of shared activity, such as a board game or art project, followed by a period of television viewing. Noah is read bedtime stories, including chapters out of a novel, every night.

Weekends typically see the family share a heartier breakfast, often at a local bristo. They say they generally have a slower start on weekends and often longue together in bed or on the couch before getting out of their pajamas. The family states they simply enjoy spending time together, and for them that typically means spending time reading in a café, sharing an art class together at their local community centre, spending time browsing in the comic shop or book store, going for a walk, taking Noah to a playground or for a swim, visiting a museum or picking a movie to watch together on the living room couch.

The family also makes their weekend visits to Will's family. Olivia and Will also feel it is important to do some special activities as a family and go to major sporting events together a few times a year. They also have taken Noah to a Broadway Show, as well as the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, which is something they hope to do more of as he gets older.

The family took their first vacation together this year, spending a week in Florida. They recently went on a weekend road trip to Boston. They also went on an overnight camping trip with Will's parents this summer. These are activities they hope to continue to be able to go on and share with Noah. They expressed they'd like to take Noah to a Legoland park while he is still young and that they've been talking about going to Montreal, should all their paperwork be approved. Olivia says she would greatly like to have the opportunity to do some international travel with her son. She highlighted some parts of Europe, as well as Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands as destinations she'd like for her son to experience. Will also has an interest in international travel, but indicated many of the destinations he'd like to go to, such as Africa, Egypt and China, would likely be better for when Noah is older.

The family currently takes each day at a time, as there are many days where Noah does not feel well enough for much activity. Many of their days are also occupied with taking Noah to various doctors' appointments, for lab tests and for treatment. Will and Olivia also spend much of their time trying to manage Noah's symptoms and side effects from his medication to ensure he is comfortable. Will and Olivia both expressed that it is important to them that despite Noah's illness, that they still continue to maintain certain routines and to participate in 'normal' activities whenever the boy is able. They want to ensure that Noah's childhood is as full as possible and is not overshadowed by his medical experiences.

HEALTH OF THE MCTEAGUE-BENSONS

Will was examined on June 12, 2012 by Dr. Marcus Holmes in New York City. He was found to be in good mental and physical health and free of communicable diseases. Will is short-sighted and wears corrective lens. He also suffers from migraines, which he was diagnosed as having at age 16. He receives prescription medication to deal with the chronic headaches.

Will disclosed that he sees a therapist. He sought out therapy after the loss of his wife while he went through a period of depression. He says he chose to continue to see a therapist to help him as he moved on with his life, adjusted to his return to living in New York and has recently found it helpful to deal with some of his emotions and anxiety related to Noah's illness.

Olivia was examined by her physician Dr. Vivian Walker on May 23, 2012. Olivia was found to be in good physical health and fair mental health. She is free of any communicable diseases. Olivia has had significant menstrual irregularities that have previously had implications for her ability to conceive a child. The exact cause of the irregularities has gone undiagnosed. It was acknowledged on her medical form – but she indicates she's long been aware of the issues and has previously seen specialists but is not currently interested in pursuing firmer diagnosis or treatment.

Olivia currently suffers from insomnia and anxiety and is receiving prescription medication to aid in the disorders. She says both root out of the emotional burden involved in caring for her sick son. Olivia has also chosen to disclose that she is currently seeing a counselor and participating in group therapy related to treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Will's and Olivia's doctors both provided documentation in support of the couple proceeding with a step-parent adoption. The required medical forms are attached and will be included in the family's permanent file.

FINANCIAL

Will and Olivia have a combined annual income of approximately $188,000 (CONFIRMED, verified by IRS statements and paystubs). Their income is variable and depends on the over-time and off-duty hours and pay rate Olivia receives, and certain research grants Will receives, as well as honorariums and royalties that he receives for speaking engagements and writing and editing services he provides.

Will's base pay is $101,071, following his recent promotion to full professor. Olivia's base pay is usually $87,278, but she is currently on an adjusted pay schedule to accommodate the time she takes off work to care for her son.

Olivia and Will both have cash in savings and chequing accounts, as well as life insurance and stocks and bonds. Olivia pays into a retirement plan with her employer. Will has established his own retirement-savings plan, but has not paid much into it because he has focused on paying down his student loans instead.

They do not have a mortgage or any vehicles. The couple currently has significant debt; Will still has student loans, while they are currently actively working to pay down Noah's medical bills. Noah is covered under Olivia's health care plan, which covers 80 per cent of her son's treatment and hospital costs.

The couple reports that their medical-related expenses in a given month are variable and depend on the number of medical appointments Noah has, as well as the types of testing or imaging he may require in a given month and if there is any unexpected hospitalizations or prescription changes. Noah's monthly treatment costs alone, currently cost about $5,100 prior to reimbursement. Noah's first year of medical-related costs following his diagnosis was $103,250, prior to reimbursement. Olivia is required to pay the costs upfront and her insurance will then process and provide her with the reimbursement. Some of Noah's testing and drugs have not been covered under her health care plan. Olivia has received some support through the NYPD's Detective Endowment Fund, which paid has paid for one of Noah's required MRIs, the difference to upgrade him to a private room during his hospitalizations and has paid for three months of his long-term maintenance treatment so far.

The couple pays $3,650 in monthly rent. Their utilities, services (TV, internet, cellphone plans), insurance, groceries, household items, transit costs and just Will and Olivia's medical incidentals account for another about $883 per month.

A complete breakdown of the couple's finances and monthly budgeting is attached, with documentation.

INSURANCE

Olivia and Will both are covered by health insurance through their employers. (VERIFIED). Noah currently falls under Olivia's insurance. Will's insurance would also cover Noah from the time of adoption but would not finance any pre-existing medical conditions for 12 months.

Copies of the couple's insurance information is available in the family's permanent file.

RELIGION AND ETHNIC BACKGROUND

Will's family are active members of the Roman Catholic Church and mark the church's holidays throughout the calendar year. Will is no longer a practicing Roman Catholic, though he does occasionally attend mass with his family. He, Olivia and Noah do participate in his family's Christmas and Easter celebrations, which occur in the home.

Will's family is also of Irish ancestry and are extremely active within the firefighter and the rest of New York's First Responders community. They regularly host parties and other community gatherings, including barbeques, open houses and cook-out events. St. Patrick's Day, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving Day, the Fourth of July and Labour Day are days that the family tends to have the larger community over for some type of celebration. Will, Olivia and Noah usually attend the events on Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving and Labour Day. It is something that the family hopes to continue to do.

Olivia indicates after not having an extended family growing up, she values being able to participate in Will's family's activities. She says that his family has welcomed her like a daughter and Noah as a grandson/nephew/cousin and she is appreciates that her child having the opportunity to be part of an extended family.

Olivia did not grow up in a religious household and did not establish any firm traditions with her mother that she is passing on to her son. She says has worked to establish her own traditions and memories with her son – especially around Christmastime – and is looking forward to creating more with Will now as a member of their family. Olivia does not intend to raise her son in any sort of religion, though she is very open to him being exposed to multiple religions and ethnic traditions, indicating it is one of the reasons she enjoys living in the city. She is not bothered by Will's family's Roman Catholic celebrations or the values Noah is being exposed to through his parents.

Olivia says she values teaching her son right from wrong, strong morals and good judgment – as well as living life with love, hope and optimism. The couple has had some age-appropriate discussions with Noah around the concepts of life-and-death and God. Olivia believes in the concept of there being more to life, though has previously struggled with the concept of there being an existing God. She states that spending time with Will's family and exposure to their faith while she has been dealing with Noah's illness has made her more open to the concept and that she has found it comforting in a way. Will also believes in some form of God, though not necessarily within the confines of the religious definition he was raised in. He also does not support the Catholic concept of Heaven and Hell. Though he says his background in physics has convinced him that even in death, existence does continue in some form.

THE CHILD: NOAH EVAN BENSON

Noah Evan Benson was born on May 27, 2006, following a very difficult pregnancy for Olivia, who developed gestational diabetes. The pregnancy ended in a premature birth by emergency c-section when she experienced a placenta abruption in her 35th week. Noah spent 11 days in the NICU before being sent home.

Noah usually has brown hair, brown eyes and a small frame. Noah experienced numerous infections as a baby and toddler – particularly ear and bronchial. He was consistently slightly under height and weight for a boy his age.

Noah was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia when he was four years old, following a period of flu-like symptoms, easy bruising and the appearance of a strange rash, which was accompanied by night sweats. He has been hospitalized several times over the past 16 months, including for his induction and consolidation treatment. Noah's doctors are based out of the pediatric oncology unit at Mt. Sinai Hospital on the Upper East Side.

Noah currently receives his long-term maintenance treatment on an out-patient basis, with most of it being administered orally at home. Noah is required to go into the hospital once a month for pulse and IV administered treatment, which includes a steroid dosage. Noah also has lab work run on his almost weekly.

Noah participates in an art therapy and a music therapy program for sick children, which is provided through the hospital. He has also been participating on a Tball team this summer and is enrolled in a swim rehabilitation program that is designed for sick children. The family regularly attends crafts and other activities organized at their local library and community centre.

Noah will be entering first grade in September. He attended an all-day kindergarten last year but missed much of the year due to his illness. Olivia and Will, however, have worked with the school to ensure he is prepared to start Grade 1 and actively helped him with homework and other educational activities even during the periods he was unable to attend school. The school has noted that Noah is well-above his grade-level in terms of reading. He has also demonstrated good dexterity and eye-hand co-ordination, which has been reflected in his spatial recognition in his constructive play (e.g. Lego and art) as well as his creativity and persistence in his craft projects.

Noah is a very patient and determined child, according to Will and Olivia. He can be quite stubborn. He has good focus and attention span. They credit much of this to what he has had to endure medically, saying it is a bit of a silver lining to everything the family has been through. They say Noah has a very positive and at times contagious attitude, which Will and Olivia say has aided them greatly in being able to cope with his illness. Will and Olivia both described Noah as very funny. Olivia used the words "full of sillies and giggles" to describe how her son usually is at home.

During the home visits, Noah initially came off as very shy. However, by the time his individual interview was conducted, he seemed to have relaxed and proved to have a very engaging personality, which is coupled with a truly remarkable intelligence and creativity for a child his age.

Despite his illness, Noah is an active and happy little boy. He was nearly always present and curious during the home visits and particularly chatty with his mother. He sought physical affection and hugs from both Olivia and Will while the worker was in the home. He frequently switched from sitting on one of their laps to the other parents' lap.

Noah appears to listen to and obey Olivia and Will very well. He enjoys playing with Lego, action figures and colouring. He particularly likes Star Wars, Batman and dinosaurs. He also was able to actively talk about baseball, particularly the Yankees and he demonstrated his reading ability and showed off an expansive library he has in his bedroom. He has his own dedicated play area and art nook in the basement playroom. Noah was able to show off some of his toys and art projects independently in the playroom and to discuss each one articulately.

Noah stated that he understands that Will is adopting him. He refers to Will both by name and as Dad and Daddy, all interchangeably. He understands Will and Olivia are married and that they are a family. He calls the pending wedding ceremony their 'family wedding.' He seems excited about the wedding and expressed that he is happy that Will will be his 'real daddy.'

Noah did not seem hesitant on answering the questions put to him, though he was cautious with the amount of eye contact he made and was initially hesitant to conduct the interview way from Will and his mother. But when he did get talking, his answers appeared to be his own and were thoughtful. He expressed that he thinks his parents are wonderful and provided age-appropriate examples of why he thinks they are good parents. Noah stated they have a lot of fun together – he consistently highlighted their time in the park, trips to the pool and doing crafts with his mother. He made special reference to Will in terms of him being a great playmate for building his Lego creations and his action figure role-playing. It was very clear that he felt loved and is very comfortable with his family life.

CHILD CARE PLAN

Will and Olivia share the care of Noah and plan it based on their work schedules. Until Noah is well enough, they intend to continue to have one of them meet him at the dismissal bell each school day.

When Noah's health improves, or he at least reaches the point he doesn't as predictably need an afternoon rest by the end of the school day, they hope to enroll him in the after-school program which is operated out of Noah's school, PS 87 – William T. Sherman. The programming provides the student with access to numerous extracurricular activities and experiences, including martial arts, music, dance, theatre, movie making, computers, robotics, science, language, chess, gymnastics, yoga and other sports. Will and Olivia both expressed excitement about this program and Noah's ability to participate in and be exposed to these experiences when he is well enough. The program runs until 6 p.m., which would be less disruptive for Will and Olivia's work days. However, they currently do not feel Noah is yet well enough to consistently participate in the program. Olivia's shifts generally mean that no matter when she is scheduled to work she is nearly always available to get Noah to school.

Olivia and Will have a teenaged babysitter who lives down the block from them. They are also close to, and trust, the parents of the girl and like there are responsible adults only doors down should there ever be a problem. Olivia and Will usually have the babysitter come over one Friday night a month so they are able to have a date-night. But also feel able to call the babysitter or her family, should something hold both of them up at work or they need to attend something specific in the evenings.

Will's parents and his brother Rob and his wife have also helped with providing care for Noah when needed.

GUARDIANSHIP PLAN

Currently, Olivia has Elliot and Kathy Stabler, both 48, listed as Noah's guardian in her untimely death. Olivia has known the Stablers for approximately 13 years and cites them as close family friends. Elliot is also her partner at work, also a detective with the NYPD and Manhattan's Special Victims Unit. He served as her key reference during this home study process. Kathy is a nurse.

Olivia states she chose the Stablers because they are already wonderful parents to five of their own children, and she knows they would provide her son with a loving, stable and supportive environment to her son in her absence. The Stablers are both in excellent health.

Olivia, however, has stated should the adoption petition not be approved, she intends to switch her guardianship to reflect that Will should serve as Noah's guardian in her untimely death. The Stablers would continue to be cited as the guardians in her and Will's joint demise.

Will says he would not argue for the guardianship plan to be changed to reflect adding one of his brothers' families should he be allowed to adopt Noah as his son. Will states that Noah has had meaningful interactions with the entire Stabler family during his childhood and that he also believes the family would provide a good home environment for the child.

Olivia has a legal will, as well as a living will. Will does not yet have either. However, he and Olivia intend to begin that as a joint process now that they are married and will make it a top priority should the adoption go through.

FERTILITY

Olivia and Will have discussed the possibility of having a child together. But have both agreed with Noah's illness and the time and financial commitments that involves, in addition to the stress it has brought into their life, that now is not the time for them to add to their family.

Olivia and Will have both acknowledged that by the time Noah is well, Olivia may have reached the age where it would be more difficult for them to have a baby together. They state that that is something they are willing to accept – and will discuss it further and decide if they want to explore other options at a more appropriated time for their family.

Olivia states that even if her and Will had wanted to have a baby now, that given her reproductive complications and her age, it may also be difficult already. She added that her doctor has expressed to her that another pregnancy would likely be just as difficult as her last one, and that she may again be looking at complications and a premature birth and c-section, even if she was able to become pregnant.

Will and Olivia, however, both expressed that if they were to become pregnant now, they would keep and raise the child.

They have not discussed their intentions regarding growing their family with Will's family or any of their friends. Some of Olivia's colleagues, however, are aware of the difficulties she had in her previous pregnancy and most people in her and Will's lives would be aware that she is in her 40s now and approaching menopause. They do not feel under pressure from family or friends to be having a child now.

RECORDS CHECK

Will and Olivia self report they have no history of abuse or violence, alcoholism, drug addition, substance abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse, child abuse or a criminal record.

A current report run on the couple on July 31, 2012 indicates there are no probable cause or reason to suspect child abuse or neglect.

Another report conducted on the couple confirmed that as of July 31, 2012, there is no criminal record attached to William "Will" Nathaniel McTeague or Olivia Benson.

A report received back from the Federal Bureau of Investigation on August 7, 2012, also confirmed no criminal record.

A review of all the available records to this home study found there is no information that would cause Will to be denied approval for adoption, and all indications show that Will and Olivia are citizens in good standing within their community.

The clearance records and their processing documentation are attached and available in the family's permanent file.

Should Will or Olivia be arrested or convicted of any crime following the date this report is filed, they agree to notify this agency and the Family Court immediately. Those arrests and convictions must be reviewed before Will's adoption petition could go forward.

REFERENCES

All the references provided by Will and Olivia were contacted and their identities and communication confirmed.

Will's family made themselves available for interviews and expressed support for his plans to adopt Noah.

Both Will and Olivia each also provided letters obtained from four friends, as well as from their supervisors at work. The documentation is attached and will remain in the family's permanent file.

There was no content in the letters or the interviews that arose any concerns about Will's adoption application. All the letters expressed that Olivia is a wonderful mother and that Will would be an excellent step-father to Noah.

IMPRESSIONS AND RECOMMENDATION

Though, Will and Olivia have only been married a short time, they have an established relationship that is clearly built on love, friendship and support of each other and of Noah. In spending time with them it is easy to see they are extremely comfortable with each other and enjoy each other's company while also seeming to feed off the other's energy. They clearly expressed shared future goals and plans, which include being a family and sharing as many experiences as possible together and with Noah.

Their decision to file for Will's adoption of Noah is based on this established relationship and active role he has played in the boy's life. The three live together as a family and want to make that status official in the eyes of the community and under the law. All three of them expressed excitement at the concept of building their family and appeared to be educated on and comfortable with the adoption process through the Family Court. Their friends and family are emotionally supportive of their decision.

Will and Olivia present themselves as warm, mature, intelligent and loving couple with extremely strong moral and ethical value systems. In their discussions during this home study and observations during that period, it appears their behaviours are congruent with their expressed personal beliefs.

Will and Olivia are financially stable, despite their current financial challenges, and are clearly able to provide for and care for Noah. They are very much rooted in their community through their careers, and are continuing to take root in their new community with their participation in Noah's schooling and health care. Their home environment appears to be richly creative, supportive and loving – all very conducive to raising a family.

Will and Olivia are sensitive to the challenges entailed in raising a child, especially in a blended family. They acknowledged that Noah's adoption is not a single event within their family – but will become an integral part of their family's ongoing life cycle. But it is clear that this adoption is something that is very much wanted by the couple and that Noah is very much loved by Will.

Based on the information collected during this home study, it is felt that Will would be adequately able to care for the child's needs.

William ("Will") Nathaniel McTeague is certified to be able to be considered for the adoption of Olivia Benson's son, Noah Evan Benson.

"Will," she said, taking his hands, "there is nothing in the report that looks bad on you. It recommends you be approved."

He sighed. "It says I have a bad relationship with my dad, with my brother, that I don't have friends, that I'm a widower, that I see a shrink, that I'm in debt, that we've only been together less than a month."

She tugged on his hands. "It also says that you're an amazing dad, that Noah loves spending time with you and that you have a loving, supportive family."

He looked at the ceiling and sighed hard again.

"Will, you have to just relax. You've got to go in there and let the judge see you, in case he is on the fence still. He needs to see the open, optimistic, friendly man you are, who is really excited to adopt my little boy. OK?"

He met her eyes again and nodded.

She touched his cheek. "It's not just you who's being judged either, OK? We're married. They are judging us as a couple, and considering our ability as a couple to raise him. There were just as many harsh things – if not more – in there about me and my family life. I've been denied approval on adoption before. If this doesn't get approved, you can't just blame yourself, Will."

He sighed and shook his head.

"If this doesn't get approved, Will, it's just because we haven't been married a year. That's all. That will be the reasoning. It's not going to be a rejection of you. It will be that we didn't prove extenuating circumstances well enough and that the judge is sticking with legal precedent. OK?"

She put her head on his forehead. "OK?" She said again when he hadn't answered.

"OK," he said quietly.

She gave him a little smile and a small kiss, before resting her forehead against his some more, tracing each of his ears with her two thumbs.

"Maybe we should put on the wedding bands," he said at a near whisper.

She brought her forehead away from his and examined him. "I thought you wanted to save them for the wedding reception?"

"It's just … the whole thing is arguing that we're married and we want to be a family and then we don't even have the bands on. The judge is going to notice that, won't he?"

She caressed his cheek, watching his eyes. They seemed sad, nervous, anxious.

She dropped her hand from his face and walked over to the top drawer on her side of the dresser and opened it, pushing her undergarments around until she found the two little ring boxes that had slowly shifted to the back of the drawer. She drew them into her hand and walked back to him, handing him the one that contained hers.

She leaned in and kissed him again, rubbing her hand through the hair on the back of his head. When she broke away, she opened the box and examined the wedding band he'd picked for himself for a moment before pulling it out and stepping to the side to put the empty box on the bedside table behind him.

She gave him a small smile, as she straightened back up in front of him, and she took his left hand and slowly slipped the ring onto his finger. She could feel him watching her and watching the ring. She looked at his hand for several moments after it was on before looking back up at him. His eyes were a little glassy, so she pulled him into a hug and put some kisses onto his jaw line and neck. He didn't say anything but she could feel his breathing a little ragged against her. She knew he was trying not to cry.

"It's going to work out, Will," she told him. "Don't worry."

He nodded against her and pulled away a bit, looking at the box in his hand. She gave him another small smile and looked at where her engagement ring was. She brought it up to her other hand and twisted at it a bit, as he took her wedding band from the box and seemingly weighed it in his free hand. The engagement ring was a purposely tight sizing and it took her several moments to get it to nudge and slip off.

She let out an exhale – purposely being a little dramatic and looked at him. "OK, lay it on me," she teased.

He snorted at the comment and finally let a smile pull at the corners of his mouth. He looked at her for several moments and then took her hand in his and considered it for several seconds.

"You're sure?" He asked, glancing at her.

She gave him smile. "Well, I'm pretty sure we've got a piece of paper that says I'm sure already."

"Yeah, but …"

She nodded at him to silence him. "Will, I'm sure."

He brought the hand to the tip of her finger and seemed to again consider it for a moment before slipping it down and over her knuckle and into place. He stood looking at it for a long time, still supporting her hand in his, and she did too. She glanced at him as the silence continued – and he noticed and swiped at his glassy eyes. So she caressed his cheek again.

"Feels more real now, sweetheart," she told him.

He nodded and avoided looking at her. "Yeah," he said, reaching at his eyes again.

"I love you," she told him, putting her one hand against his chest.

He gave her a smile at that, looking up a bit.

"Here," she said, handing him the engagement ring that she was palming in her opposite hand. "You should put this back on for me too."

He snorted and gave her another little smile and this time slipped it on with a bit more speed and confidence. She examined her hand as they finished. The discrete and delicate rings still sparkled even though they were simple. They felt strangely light, yet also heavy on her finger.

She finally looked back at him and gave him a smile. "Wow," she mouthed and shook her head.

He gave her a little grin. "Does this mean I have to get you something else for October?"

She laughed. "Hmm. Maybe. Let me think about that."

She looked at her hand again and he took it and stroked it in his. She let him for a moment but then took his left hand and laced her fingers through his, so she could look at both of their rings. She shook his hand in hers.

"I think the look works on us," she told him, giving him another smile.

He snorted again and nodded. "Yeah, I think so, too."

She leaned into him for a hug and he accepted it, burying his face into the crook of her neck. She rubbed his back.

"It's going to be fine," she assured him again. "So lets just get down there and show them how wrong they'd be to deny our paperwork. We're going to come home tonight, and it's all going to be official. Think it. Say it."

He sighed against her. "We're going to come home tonight and it's all going to be official."

"We're going to come home tonight and it's all going to be official," she agreed again.


	149. Chapter 149

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will was pacing in shuffling little steps that had him more rocking than moving around her, his hands crossed tightly against his chest, as they waited outside the courtroom for their hearing.

"Maybe we should go sit down," Olivia suggested to him, from where she was standing with her own arms crossed, wishing they'd just get called in.

He shook his head at her and rocked on the balls of his feet a bit more and then again shuffled his feet. She knew it was taking a lot of effort on his part to actually keep from really pacing back and forth down the hallway.

Gwen appeared from inside a doorway down the hall and walked towards them. Olivia nudged Will and nodded at their lawyer for him and he turned towards her as well.

"OK, guys," Gwen said hastily, "Judge Carson is going to see you in his chambers."

"Carson?" Olivia said surprised. "I thought our files were on Rajesh's docket?"

Gwen shrugged. "It changed. For this sort of paperwork, and at this time of year, still in vacation season, it's not uncommon. Why? Is there a problem with Carson?"

Olivia sighed again. "Well, some of my cases have ended up in front of him before. I haven't agreed with all his decisions."

"Does he like you?" Will asked.

Gwen interpreted. "Actually, if he knows you well enough to have any sort of opinion on you in that way, we should be asking that he recluse himself."

Olivia shook her head. "No, he doesn't know me. Not like that. He might recognize my name. Maybe. It's just …"

"Have you ever testified at one of his hearings?" Gwen asked abruptly.

She shook her head again.

The lawyer nodded. "OK. Well, we should be OK, in terms of conflict – real or perceived then. But if you really do feel uncomfortable with him, there's likely enough that we could ask for your case to be moved to another judge's docket. It might take a while though before we get back in here."

Will looked at Olivia. She sighed hard and looked at the ceiling thinking.

"You don't think he'll approve us?" He asked.

She shook her head and shrugged. "He's really, really strict in his interpretation and application of the law, and in how he examines and defines the best interests of the child. I really don't know."

"You also don't know who's docket you might end up next time, either, Olivia," Gwen reminded her.

"Well, what does him wanting to meet us in chambers mean?" Will asked. "Is that a good sign or a bad one?"

Gwen shrugged. "Right now, I think the only way we should take it is a confirmation that Kurt hasn't sent any representation to challenge either of the petitions. Meeting with him and the court recorder in his chambers will feel more casual. It might be easier for you. But, if you're uncomfortable with that, I can go request they come back into the hearing room."

She was still examining the ceiling and processing it all. She thought she likely now felt just as nervous and uncomfortable as Will had been acting all morning.

"What do you want to do?" Will asked her, touching her elbow.

She sighed and shook her head. "OK, let's just go and see what happens."

He nodded and they both looked at Gwen, who gestured for them to follow her and they weaved through the hallways a bit, until they entered the reception area of Judge Carson's secretary. He was standing out at his secretary's desk talking to her about something, a thick file in his hand. He looked up as they entered.

"Ah," he said and offered what was almost a small smile though it didn't come across as overly friendly. "Counselor Nakamura."

"Your Honour," Gwen nodded. "These are my clients …"

"I know, I know," Carson waved his hand. "Detective Benson," he said pointing at her and then casting his index finger in Will's direction, "and Professor McTeague. I've spent quite a bit of time having to dig through this file. Not very light summer reading." He hoisted the folder halfway up his chest for good measure. It was a good two inches thick at least.

"Umm, your Honour," Gwen said with the judge referring to Olivia as detective, "we were actually just discussing if you knew my client."

Carson looked up from where he'd leaned back over his secretary's desk, seemingly looking at a schedule on the computer screen. He pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Well, I certainly know of her counselor and I certainly know quite a lot about her now having had this file in my possession for review. But if you're suggesting what I think you are, I would suggest that you are going to be hard pressed to find a judge in this court who hasn't dealt with Detective Benson or her unit in some capacity."

The judge looked sternly at Gwen and then pointed his eyes at Olivia.

"Do you feel that we have a conflict-of-interest here, Ms. Benson?" He directed at her pointedly.

"You have heard some of the cases that I have worked on, your Honour," she told him.

Carson raised his eyebrows in thought. "Hmm," he said. "I couldn't tell you which ones."

"I could," she admitted.

"Hmm," he said again. "I'm sure you could. Detectives are very good at remembering decisions they don't like, aren't they?"

Olivia made no comment – so Carson looked back to Gwen.

"Well, what are we going to do here, counselor? Are you asking me to recluse myself?"

Gwen looked at Olivia and she again shook her head – indicating she wanted to go ahead with the process, not roll the dice and see who they got next time and wait God knows how long to get to that next time.

"No, your Honour, we're fine."

He nodded and waved them into his office and they followed along, him gesturing to seats in front of his desk, before he rounded it and put the file in front of him. He looked over at the young court recorder, who appeared to still be setting up. So he just folded his hands on top of the folder and looked at them.

"We'll just be a few more moments," he said. "We're having a bit of a scattered day here today."

They all nodded – but Will started his nervous knee bounces as they sat in the awkward silence. Olivia reached over and took his hand, bringing them both down to sit down on his knee and he slowly slowed the movements. Though she could feel his muscles tense against the back of her hand.

Carson tapped the file, as he watched them, twisting his Mont Blanc pen in his fingers. "I had heard your son was sick, even before reading this file," he commented at her and waved the pen a bit. "You know how chatter is."

She gave a small nod, but offered no comment. She felt Gwen glance at her again – likely again questioning if she wanted to put in the request for a recusal before the hearing started.

"My grandson had leukemia," Carson offered, though, and nodded at her. "Diagnosed when he was seven. He's 16 now. Just got his licence this summer. Terrifying my daughter in a whole new way."

Olivia offered him a small smile at that anecdote – and felt Will give her hand a squeeze.

"They did a bone marrow transplant with him," he shook his head as though remembering. "But you aren't going that route with your boy?"

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow. "Ah, no. His doctors felt that given the type of leukemia he has and the response they got during induction, in terms of getting him into remission, that intensive chemotherapy was the best route for him right now."

Carson nodded. "The transplant – it's hard," he offered. "Finding the donor, what they have to do to them to get them ready for the transplant, the fear of their body rejecting it. It's scary. But then it's done. Chemotherapy on these children …" he shook his head and gave her a sad look.

All she could do was nod. She didn't know what to say or even if she wanted to say anything. She wasn't sure he noticed her silence, though. He looked like he got lost in the thoughts of what his family had experienced for a moment – but then again tapped his pen a top of the folder.

"Anyhow …" he said, and looked back to the court recorder. "How you doing over there Anna? Are we ready?"

The girl looked up from fiddling with something, but nodded. "Yes, your Honour."

He nodded at her and opened their file on top of his desk.

"OK, then," he said, "let's get started. Family Court Justice Harold Carson here in New York City on the 28th of August, 2012, hearing in chambers, docket number ending FCJ-Eight-Five-Two. I have Ms. Olivia Benson and Prof. William McTeague here, represented by Counselor at Law Gwen Nakamura. This hearing will be to examine a petition by Ms. Benson to terminate the parental rights of her son's biological father. I will also be ruling on a petition submitted by Prof. McTeague for the private-placement adoption of Ms. Benson's son, who he would like to be named as step-father of."

He looked at Gwen. "Counselor?"

"Ah, yes, your Honour, I think you'll see from all the paperwork submitted, that everything is in order. The child's biological father signed the paperwork allowing his approval for the termination of his parental rights – he has not sent representation here today to present any arguments or to suggest he has changed his mind on that. The child's biological father also had a history of abandonment of the child – going lengthy periods, extending well beyond six-months, without having any communication with the child or the child's mother, my client. The child's biological father has only actually seen the child three times in his life – and has never had any phone or other electronic communication with the boy. The child's biological was also chronically in arrears on his custody payments – even after the court approved having his pay cheques garnished. That proved difficult, because though his employer is based her in the States, the man is often working overseas and is difficult to locate and reach. The transfer of his monies is also less than transparent.

"Regarding, the petition for adoption, Ms. Benson and Mr. McTeague are married now and have been living as a family for some time. My client, Mr. McTeague, has been an active role model and provider in the child's life. The child calls Mr. McTeague his daddy. My clients feel that the Mr. McTeague adopting the child is the next logical step, and important for the establishment of their family."

Carson looked at her and nodded. "Counselor, you are likely very aware – and I hope have advised your clients – that step-parent adoption petitions are usually only granted after the couple has been married for at least one year. That is seen as the bare minimum in proving there is a commitment to the relationship and stability in the family."

"Yes, your Honour," Gwen agreed, "however, we feel my clients are in a situation with extenuating circumstances."

"That Ms. Benson wants the parental rights of the child's biological father terminated and realizes that is more likely to happen if there is another individual filling in as caregiver for that child? That is hardly unique or extenuating, Counselor."

"No, your Honour," Gwen said. "Ms. Benson's son is very ill. He is undergoing treatment for leukemia. The financial hardship that has placed on the family – has meant that even though Mr. McTeague is not legally obligated to do so, he has been financially contributing to the support and care of the child. Even before Mr. McTeague and Ms. Benson were married, Mr. McTeague was contributing to the offsetting the costs of the child's medical needs. That need for the financial support is going to continue for at least about 20 months more.

"My clients also feel that Mr. McTeague being named as a legal parent for the boy will allow them to better manage the child's medical care and give him a greater ability to effectively interact with the health care providers and be a participant in decision-making.

"Finally, my clients feel this adoption would be a great emotional support for the child, in knowing that he a member of an established family and that he has a father who cares about him – especially during this extremely difficult time. Though my clients have only been married a short time, they have demonstrated their extreme commitment to each other, and to their family - and to the care of the child. They want to be able to ensure the boy knows he is in a loving and stable environment. That is an important part of any child's mental and emotional health – but I think you'd agree that, it's even more important when the child is dealing with illness."

"Mmm," Carson said and again tapped his pen on the papers in the file folder.

"It should be noted that the child's biological father, Kurt Moss, did not send any representation, nor did he appear himself for this hearing, despite having received notice and having been given opportunity," Carson directed, more to the room and the court recorder than to Gwen specifically.

"This court has received the parental termination papers from the biological, which does confirm he is voluntarily giving up his rights to the child. This court has also received the adoption petition, documentation supporting that Prof. McTeague has been pre-certified as an individual positioned to take custody of the child, the marriage records of the couple, the fingerprints and background checks on the couple – all of which came back clear - and the completed home study report and inspection papers."

He looked back at them after having recited his list of documentation.

"The file shows that Mr. Moss had filed for joint-physical custody and the establishment of a visitation schedule – that you went through 11 of 12 mediation meetings regarding that petition, that you both – and the child – all participated in the interviews with the social worker for the mediation report. All that documentation is here as well.

"How is it that you go from being one meeting away from completing mediation and apparently on the road to heading to court – to suddenly having the termination papers signed?"

"Your Honour, that's a question that should be directed to Mr. Moss, not my clients. And as you noted previously, Mr. Moss and his attorney have opted not to appear today or to challenge my clients' petitions."

"Mmm," he said again. "Ms. Benson, do you intend to file a claim to recover the legal costs you incurred during the mediation process? – considering Mr. Moss caused for the mediation to be initiated and then seems to have proceeded through the majority of the process before suddenly stopping and signing termination paperwork?"

Olivia hadn't even thought about that. She had really just looked at it as a cut-her-losses kind of situation. She'd spent thousands-upon-thousands of dollars in this legal battle with Kurt – but she'd just taken his signing of the termination papers as the near final step of forever cutting him out of their lives – she hoped. Even though the concept of getting back some of the money was appealing – there were other things that it would've been better to spend that on. Rather than spending it on fighting with Kurt over her son – she would've really preferred to have been spending it on getting her son back to health. Still the concept of spending more time in a legal battle with Kurt – even if it was just in civil court, sounded unappealing and like she'd just be spending more money to get back the money. Even if he was ordered to repay the costs – she wasn't sure he ever would. He didn't even pay his child support.

"I hadn't really considered that, your Honour," she admitted.

He nodded and made some sort of note on a piece of paper off to his side.

"OK. Ms. Benson, I want to ensure that your counsel has fully informed you what the termination of parental rights means for you. You understand that if these papers are approved, that your child's biological father will no longer have any legal responsibilities to you or your child?"

She nodded. "Yes, your Honour."

"You understand that the court favours the rights of biological parents to have a role in the life of their child – that it is in the best interest of the child to have the opportunity to have some sort of relationship with their biological parents; that the court prefers to allow biological parents with the leeway to establish that relationship. The approval of this petition would effective remove that opportunity from the life of your child – and there is very little, outside of opening another legal can of worms, that can be done in terms of take-backs while the boy is still a minor. What you are asking – from a court's perspective – is not usually deemed to be in the best interests of the child."

"Respectfully, your Honour," Gwen said. "My client, Detective Benson, is very aware from her work with the Manhattan's Special Victims Unit, of the legislation around the rights of biological parents and the best interests of the child. She has experience in how the court applies the laws and the existing legal precedents. I can assure you that my client isn't filing for the termination of parental rights lightly."

"Mmm," Carson said again.

"You believe Mr. Moss is a negligent father, Ms. Benson?"

Olivia nodded. "Yes, your Honour. I believe the legal definition of abandonment is a period of six months without communication with the child. My son's biological father repeatedly avoided visiting him – for periods spanning years. He has only had three superficial meetings with my son over a period of more than six years."

"But he has not abused the child? He does not have a substance abuse problem. He is gainfully employed. He has no criminal record. He clearly expressed an interest in establishing a relationship with the child by filing for a change in the custody arrangement."

"Yes, your Honour, but then he voluntarily signed the paperwork to terminate his parental rights," Gwen interjected on Olivia's behalf.

Carson nodded again. "Yes, you're right. He did voluntarily relinquish his rights. So that does make it much easier for you, doesn't it?" He nodded at Olivia and then signed something in the actual file, lifted a seal from the corner of his desk and stamped the form, initialing it and put the paper up at the front of the desk.

"Petition for the termination of Mr. Moss' parental rights to Noah Evan Benson is approved," Carson stated flatly and then looked at her.

Olivia felt a wave of relief hit her. It was like a tonne of bricks had just been swept off her chest and she had to remind herself not to have a physical reaction – not to let out the deep breathe that she felt like she'd been holding for months or to not allow her eyes to glass over. But she did feel Will squeeze her hand, still sitting a top his knee, even tighter and she returned it a bit and gave him a small glance.

"I am going to skip over discussing ongoing-support payments, considering the next item we will be discussing," Carson said. "However, we should touch on the payments that are in arrears. Are you going to want to pursue having those still paid out to you?"

Olivia nodded. She had told Kurt that she'd drop it – but that had been if he got back to her before one of the mediation meetings. He hadn't. And, he was so badly in arrears. It was money she needed right now. It was money that would go directly to Noah's medical bills. Kurt owed her son that much – especially after everything he'd put them through over the past year, money that he'd forced her to take away from her son's care and to instead spend on him.

"Yes, your Honour, I'd still like to receive the support he is on arrears on."

Carson looked at Gwen. "You'll be taking care of filling the necessary paperwork there, I assume?"

"Yes, your Honour."

Carson tapped his pen some more and now looked at Will.

"OK, Prof. McTeague, your turn," he said, with a bit of an edge to his voice.

Will nodded almost hesitantly.

"You and Ms. Benson haven't even been married a month yet, Prof. McTeague," Carson said. "Adoption is not a matter to be taken lightly – that is why the court usually favours paperwork to be filed after the couple has been married for AT LEAST a year."

Will nodded – but didn't speak. He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to say to that.

"Prof. McTeague, you understand that if your adoption of Ms. Benson's son is approved, you are physically, legally and financially responsible for the boy?"

Will nodded again.

"You have to speak up, Prof. McTeague," Carson told him a little more harshly than necessary.

"Yes, your Honour," he said.

"You understand that should you and Ms. Benson separate, you would still be legally and financially responsible for the boy? Ms. Benson could file for child support payments? You could be thrown into a custody battle?"

"Yes, your Honour," Will said again.

Carson looked at him. "Being a parent is not for everyone," he said.

Will nodded. "I like being Noah's parent, though," Will said almost too quietly.

"How long have you known Ms. Benson and her son, Prof. McTeague?"

"Almost four years now, your Honour."

"How involved has he been?" the judge directed at Olivia.

She shifted in her seat a bit and examined him. "Will … Prof. McTeague … has been very involved for basically as long as I've known him," she allowed. "He's been a near daily presence in my son's life since he was about two years old."

"You also understand that this petition means you would be sharing your parental rights?" the judge said. "You don't get to make all the decisions anymore – in the event of a divorce or separation, you may end up with joint-custody, not just physical but joint-legal custody as well."

Olivia nodded. "I understand, your Honour."

"Dealing with stressful health situations – a child's illness – is just as likely to cause the end of a marriage," Carson said. "I have seen many more cases of a family being torn apart than I have these sorts of petitions."

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow – and thought about how to respond. She almost hoped Will would pipe up and say something but he seemed to be in an almost stunned state with his nerves.

"Noah's illness isn't the foundation of our relationship, your Honour. It may have just been a catalyst in us realizing that time is precious and so is our family life. We want our son to know he is part of a family – and we want to have Will's role in our family and in my son's life legally recognized."

"You understand that by Prof. McTeague adopting your son, you also are even more effectively giving up your right to ever try to restart a support claim coming from the child's biological father?"

"I do," she said.

Carson examined her for a moment and again tapped on the pile of papers, now paged through some of it, glancing at the pages and skimming over them again.

"I read through your file with great interest," he said, which made Olivia feel a little uncomfortable. There was a lot of personal information in there, that she'd really prefer no one had gotten to look at – even though she knew that wasn't how it worked. "You both seem to have very supportive friends and family. Impressive resumes. Your mediator also submitted positive reviews of both of your parenting skills and your family life."

Carson examined them again.

"Proving an extenuating circumstance is difficult," he said carefully. "The adoption of a child is a serious commitment – a lifelong commitment. The court really must feel confident that the child is being placed in a relationship and a home that has made a firm commitment to being a family, not a momentary decision of convenience."

Will sat up straighter. "Please, your Honour," he said. "But … I'm not a masochist. I wouldn't be here, having gone through everything that we've dealt with with Noah and everything involved in going through these proceedings … if I didn't want this badly. If I didn't want to be in a relationship with Olivia and to be that boy's father – not until he is better – but for the rest of his life or my life or whatever. I want this badly. This is my family. I'm in it for the long haul. I'm not planning on going anywhere. This isn't a marriage of convenience for me. Nothing about this has been remotely convenient at all."

Olivia squeezed his hand again, trying to calm him a bit, as his voice had elevated slightly while he was speaking.

"Your Honour, we're both very committed to making this work," she said. "Our marriage isn't just about Noah being sick. We feel that my son's illness does place us in an extenuating position but we aren't looking at this as being a short-term solution for support while he is sick at all. We really do want to be a family – officially."

She let out a small sigh. She knew how the system worked. She'd seen it before. Children placed in homes that she didn't feel where best – because of how the law is applied. Children being taken away from the people they'd grown up with, knowing as parents, and placed suddenly with the biological parents they didn't even know. Judges handing out supervised visitation rights to individuals who'd been charged with assault – because having a relationship with the biological parent, whoever and whatever they were – was apparently in the best interests of the child.

She felt like maybe they were in a self-fulfilling prophecy. That they'd tried to play the system and the system was about to win. And, she really should've known better. She worked in the system. Maybe they should've just waited the year and applied then.

She was only left to hope the fact the judge had approved the termination papers would be an indication that he was going to approve the adoption. He wouldn't have allowed the termination of rights to go forward without installing another supporter and caregiver of the child immediately after, right? That's what Gwen had told them; that in all likelihood it would be all or nothing. It wasn't likely to go half-ways their way and half-ways not.

"Your Honour," Gwen said, "despite this being a step-parent adoption, Mr. McTeague did file as a private-placement adoption. We do believe that this family has an extenuating circumstance that would allow for the court to show leniency and bypass the precedent of one-year's marriage. But if you move beyond that – the reality is the paperwork filed is for a private-placement, which means we only have to prove that Mr. McTeague, as the adoptive parent, is fit to provide for proper care and support of the child. I believe the supporting documentation submitted to the court more than demonstrates that."

Carson looked at her some more and twirled his pen again, dropping it and picking it up, tap-tap-tapping.

Olivia felt like the 30-seconds or so that passed in heavy silence hung over them like hours. She could feel Will start to bounce his knee again and again pushed down on it to try to still him.

"The court's objective is to always act in the best interests of the child," Carson finally said. "The best interest of the child is always to have two loving and supportive parents – and to be financially supported and physically cared for. This court feels that ensuring those elements are present in a child's life becomes even more important while the child is in the midst, confusion and turmoil that dealing with a serious medical condition can create.

"There is no evidence in the submitted documentation that Ms. Benson and Prof. McTeague would be unable to provide anything less than a supportive and loving home for the child. There is further evidence that Prof. McTeague is in the financial position to be able to care for the boy – particularly during his medical treatment. The references submitted on Prof. McTeague's behalf also conveyed a sense of enthusiasm and support from a wide array of people on his and Ms. Benson's decision to file for his adoption of the boy. They clearly express that the larger community feels Prof. McTeague is fit to be a father and has also already demonstrated a concrete commitment to Ms. Benson and the child.

"It, however, should be noted that this court is LOATH," he stressed, "to be considering an adoption petition that was filed prior to the petitioners even being married and that as you sit before me now – have not yet even been married a month. That cries of convenience and legal gamesmanship – an attempt to ensure that your petitions are approved and to work the system. You, Detective Benson, should know better than to bring that kind of showmanship into my courtroom. However, you are lucky, in that you have a demonstrated relationship spanning approximately four years – with documentation and accounts that clearly indicate that Prof. McTeague has actively been involved in the child's life in that period – that his involvement is not just a recent development. You are also lucky in that you have the references of some very reputable individuals, who speak incredibly highly of both of you and confirm the seriousness and the commitment they believe you both have to this relationship, to your family and to the boy. Not everyone who appears before me would be so lucky with the types of references they were able to garner."

He looked at them hard and seriously.

"I am approving your adoption petition – but I better not see either of you back in my courtroom for any divorce or custody proceedings at any time in the near future."

He looked down to his desk and readied his pen, signing the petition and again pulling the crest over and stamping the page, initialing it and placing it on top of the other, likely to be copied and then filed elsewhere.

"Prof. McTeague, you're now officially a father. Congratulations."


	150. Chapter 150

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She reached over and caressed his cheek from where he was laying on his side and looking at her. He was being so quiet – even for him.

"What you thinking?" She asked him quietly.

"Mmm," he stirred and rolled onto his back at the question.

So she scotched over and rolled, to drape herself across his chest, propping herself on her elbows and looking into his face again.

"It looks like pretty deep thoughts," she told him with a smile.

He snorted and returned the smile. "You really want to know?"

She smiled some more and nodded. "I really want to know."

"That Noah has an exact replica of your nose."

She snorted at the comment and dropped down onto her arms from propping herself up, settling down next to him and resting her head on his shoulder. His arm came up around her.

"Those are very deep thoughts," she told him somewhat sarcastically.

"He does though," Will said. "The shape is exactly the same …" his hand came up to nearly touch her nose before she batted it away.

"OK. You don't need to stick your finger up my nose to prove your point."

He snorted at her and then really made sure to poke the tip of her nose with his one finger before letting his free hand come to rest above his head instead, leaving her be.

"You've only been looking at us both for four years. Nice of you to notice that now," she said.

"Mmm," he mumbled again and rocked her shoulder. "I notice all the time. I was just particularly admiring it at that moment."

She rolled her eyes – even though she knew he couldn't see it.

They lay quietly again for some time. She could hear his heart beating under her ear and feel the slow rise and fall of his chest against her. But he settled into another silence and she let him.

"Noah wasn't as excited as I thought he'd be," Will finally said quietly.

She glanced up at him and rubbed her hand more across his flat stomach, bring it up and squeezing his other shoulder.

"He's happy, hon," she assured him. "It's just a really abstract concept for him. You were already Daddy so just saying you're officially Daddy doesn't really resonate entirely with him. He just doesn't understand what today was for us."

He nodded but still seemed a little deflated. She put a kiss against his chest.

"Gwen's Gotcha Day idea was kind of cute," she said quietly after thinking for a moment. "You should stop and get him a little something tomorrow. Make up a card maybe. We'll do something after work – as a family."

He made a grunting sound of acknowledgement but didn't say anything more.

"It will make it a more concrete concept for him," she offered. "That's something changed and we're celebrating."

"Mmm," he allowed. "I thought we aren't supposed to be spending money frivolously right now with his back-to-school expenses and stuff."

She snorted at him and rubbed at his shoulder a bit more. "This isn't frivolously – and I'm pretty sure spending 40 or 50 bucks to go out to dinner or something isn't going to make or break us."

"Mmm – how about 75? I need to get him a present too." He suggested with a teasing tone to his voice.

"Now you're pushing it," she warned.

They were quiet again for a while.

"Think about it," she finally told him softly. "Or, you know, when we go out to your parents' on the weekend, they're going to beat you to the punch. They're pretty happy. Excited. You could really hear it in their voices tonight."

He nodded, his chin touching the top of her head with the movement. "Yeah, I know."

He shifted under her again and came back more on his side so he could look at her, draping is one hand across her bare hip and making little movements with his fingers tracing against her back.

"I think it's pretty exciting," she told him.

He smiled. "Yeah?"

She nodded. "Definitely, Daddy."

He snorted and looked away – so she leaned into him and placed a small kiss on his cheekbone. His hand had come off her hip and was brushing against her C-section scar. She let him make the movement for a moment, but then brought her own hand down to move his away. He stilled his movements as her hand reached his, flattening his hand across her pelvis, but he tightened his muscles and didn't let her gently lift it away like she usually did when he touched her there.

"Why do you always move my hand?" He asked her quietly but seriously.

She gave him a small shrug and forced her fingers under his and he let her drag his hand up to rest against her navel instead.

"I just don't like being touched there, Will," she told him.

"Because you're self-conscious about it?"

She shrugged again.

"You know you can hardly see it, right?"

She shook her head at him. "You can see it. That's why you're always touching at it."

"I'm always touching at it because that's where he was and I didn't get to touch there and feel it while he was growing inside you."

He diverted his eyes after he said it, like he hadn't meant for it to come out. But after examining him for a moment, she brought hand back to his cheek and leaned in again to place a kiss there.

"I love you," she told him seriously.

He slowly brought his eyes back to her and just stared at her quietly again. She rubbed at his bicep and maintained the eye contact.

"Tell me about him being born," he said quietly. "You've never really told me much about it."

She watched him, drawing his hand into hers and lacing their fingers.

"I don't know what to say about it, Will," she said. "They had me pretty drugged up. I only can remember so much. It's all just kind of blurry. It was a C-section."

He kept looking at her expectantly, though.

She sighed.

"Mmm, OK. Well, it all just kind of happened really fast. They ran some tests and did an ultrasound and then they basically said it was bad and that the baby was in distress – and that he needed to come out right then. Within about … maybe … half-an-hour of that, I was in the operating room being cut open. It was scary. It was really scary."

He squeezed her hand and scooted closer to her, tangling his legs with hers more. The hand he had resting under his head, snaked out and smoothed down her hair instead.

"Did it hurt?" he asked quietly.

She shook her head. "No. You can't really feel anything. Not during the operation. There was definitely discomfort after. There was … I guess … a really intense pressure feeling, though, when they were pushing down to get him out."

"Did you get to see him come out?"

She shook her head again. "No. They have a curtain up basically. I wouldn't have been able to watch that anyways, I don't think."

"But Elliot watched?"

She squeezed his hand. "I honestly don't really know how much he watched. I was pretty focused on just looking up and dealing with tears and feeling what I could feel and … just lots of things going through my head. It's just … a blur. Umm. But they got his head out first and he started crying before he was even all the way out. It was really neat to hear him. Amazing. But then it was still a bit before they got him all the way out after that."

"So did you get to see him before he had to go to NICU?"

"Oh yeah," she smiled at him. "They held him up after they got him out – and he was just this scrunched face of tears and screams. But he already had a full head of hair. He seemed so small and just … red. Then they were doing something with him for a while, I guess cleaning him and weighing him and stuff. I couldn't really see. I don't really remember. I was … pretty teary at that point I guess and just … drugged. But they brought him over to me eventually and I got to hold him for a few minutes before they had to take him away."

Will watched her and broke his hand after from hers, bring it up to cup at her cheek. She gave him a small smile.

"I wish I'd been there," he said at a near whisper.

She wrapped her arm around him and pulled tighter into him in a hug. "I know you do. I do too. But you're here now. That's more important to me. You found us."


	151. Chapter 151

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She popped the locks on the sedan's door as Elliot approached the car. She'd had pulled into a spot on a side street not far from the Queensboro Bridge, where they'd agreed to meet – saving him having to drive all the way across Manhattan to get to the precinct from his home. But she'd been waiting nearly 15 minutes for him to show. She'd been starting to wonder if there was traffic on the bridge or some sort of back up on transit, if maybe he'd decided to go that route that morning. She hadn't heard any chatter about anything on the scanner, though, and he wasn't returning her texts.

He opened the door and glanced down into the car. "Good morning," he said in a voice happier and more relaxed tone than usual for him – clearly in what she'd long ago identified as his got-some voice. She smirked a bit, but made no comment.

He handed a tray containing two take-out cups across the seat to her and got in with a paper bag. She worked at putting her tea and his coffee in the holders between the seat, tossing the tray to the floor at his feet, while he got settled into the seat and started to dig through the bag.

He held up a bagel to her, still clutched in the little serving wax sheet.

"Got you breakfast," he offered, handing it across the space between them. "Cinnamon raisin?"

She gave him a smile and accepted it. It was still warm, and as she pulled the top half off, she saw he'd gotten it lightly buttered for her – just the way she liked. They'd been working together too long for him to know her bagel preferences. She knew when she got around to sipping the tea he'd brought her, it'd be the way she wanted it too – with just the right amount of honey squirted into it.

She took a bite and chewed quietly, glancing at Elliot, where he was chowing-down on his own bagel that was clearly overstuffed with egg and cheese and nearly dripping with grease and ketchup. A little disgusting, she thought. But generally watching her partner eat anything, she found a little disturbing. After all the years of working with him, she still hadn't figured out how he ate the way he did and looked the way he did. All the muscle on his body must've created a mean metabolism. Or he was just blessed with an insanely fast metabolism. Or all that pent up anger and rage had bulked and Hulk-ed it up.

They probably should've gotten going. They were already now starting their day a little late. But it was still morning rush-hour traffic in the city and she wasn't going to play stop-and-go fender-bender roulette and try to eat too. At this point starting their work another five or 10 minutes late after they'd eaten wasn't going to make a huge difference. She knew that they'd likely both end up being aware of it and making a wordless decision to work through lunch instead.

"Sorry I didn't return your call or text last night," he offered between mouthfuls.

She shrugged. "You were busy," she acknowledged, thinking, 'yeah, busy getting it on with your wife.'

Her evening had disappeared into a black hole after they got home from the courthouse and it had been almost 10 p.m. anyways when she'd realized she hadn't touched base with Elliot about the outcome of the proceedings like she had promised. She'd called his cell but he hadn't picked up. She'd left a brief message and then shot him a short text – still no response. She hadn't thought much about it. Elliot wasn't great at reacting to personal messages. If it had been work-related her phone would've been ringing with him returning the missed call barely after she'd hung-up. She didn't really care he didn't have a reaction. She knew they'd talk about it today. And, her and Will were kind of busy marking the official beginning of their new status anyways too for her to have wanted to spend much time having a heart-to-heart with her partner about her family officially being a family now.

He glanced at her at the comment and examined her for a moment – though didn't say anything about it.

"So, it did all work out, though?"

She nodded. "Yep. Will's officially a dad."

He gave her a little smile. "He excited?"

She nodded again, with part of her bagel being chewed. She managed to get it swallowed. "Oh yeah. He's pretty ecstatic."

"And you?"

She gave him a small smile too. "It feels good."

He watched her again, almost considering her, though she couldn't gauge exactly what was going through his head. It was clear it was something. She knew he'd spent a lot of time early in their partnership feeling a little sorry for her and then worrying that she'd end up alone – that she deserved more than that. She knew too that his concern and worry about her had only increased after she'd had Noah and he fretted about the burden of her being a single mother and her son growing up without a father.

Still despite the worries, his overbearing and overprotective nature of her had kicked in after Will had appeared on the scene. It had taken him a long time to accept that she did have someone in her life – another man, who was just as worried and concerned about her, and just as good at watching out for her and taking care of her. She thought Elliot might've been a little jealous in a way that his role was being infringed on – and not just that, but that Will was getting to establish a concrete relationship with her son.

It had taken her along time to train Elliot to not give the little snide and mistrustful remarks whenever she mentioned Will in any capacity – even in passing. She thought it had taken even longer for Will to grow on her partner in any sort of way. That was actually still a work in progress, she thought. She knew that his older brother, partner, father traits were still pulsing through him most of the time – and that he still sometimes looked at Will and saw a man that he was still highly suspicious would inevitably end up hurting her and/or her son. But she also knew Will had slowly but surely won parts of Elliot over – more-so in the months since Noah had become sick and the man had stood by her and her son. More importantly, she knew El was happy to see her happy.

"The judge granted the termination then too, eh?" he clarified.

She nodded. "Yep. Goodbye Kurt. For the most part. Still going to try to get the support payments he's in arrears on out of him."

"The guy's a fucking asshole," Elliot declared and shook his head.

She remembered how Elliot had initially claimed he was happy that she 'had someone' when, thanks to the IAB, he got to find out that she'd been sleeping with Kurt. Of course, Elliot had to force himself into that relationship, though, to 'fix' the mess for her. He had kind of fixed it – after telling Kurt how the hell he needed to fix the fuck up he'd caused. But it had also been the final catalyst in ending the relationship, which she'd been trying to figure out how to put the kibosh to for several months anyways. She supposed it was likely a good thing she was still fucking the guy while she figured out how to do that. If she hadn't been, she wouldn't be where she was today. Silver-lining.

Elliot's dislike of Kurt, though, had become increasingly apparent. She supposed it wasn't helped by her growing distaste of him and his decisions in the months, and years, following the end of the relationship and the birth of her son. The reality was, though, that Elliot wouldn't like any man that stepped away from his family. You don't knock up a woman and then just walk away from those responsibilities. That just didn't fall within Elliot's mindset or moral grounds. It was beyond his comprehension and just made Kurt even more of one of the bad guys.

She supposed, too, that Will's willingness to step up to the role and to adopt her and Noah as his own – to raise another man's child as his own – had endeared Will to Elliot on some level. Or at least won his respect, after he'd been convinced Will's heart and intentions were in the right places.

She'd never really thought of Noah as anything other than Will's anymore, though. She still sometimes would look at her son and see some of Kurt's features growing and developing there. She worried that as he grew into a man she'd have a Kurt look-alike defiantly gazing back at her – and how she'd handle having to see and interact with that. It didn't matter how many times people pointed out how many of her features her boy had or how much she trained herself to see them. It didn't matter how much of the psycho-babble of 'if anything good came of that relationship, it's looking right at you' she heard from her counselor. She still would always know that Kurt was her son's father and she'd always sometimes curse herself about that relationship and who the man had turned out to be – well also being thankfully nearly every day that it had happened and her son was its fruit.

Still, she had spent the better part of the past year-and-a-half trying to tell herself, that Noah wasn't Kurt's – he was Will's. And, in terms of his personality and temperament, she really did see more and more of Will in her boy. It added some to the whole nature-versus-nurture argument for her. She thought – hoped – that nurture played a bigger role, maybe.

She found that comforting for her too. She'd spent so much of her life wondering if there was much to the nature-versus-nurture argument. What made people who they are? She worried about her genes and her unknowns. She worried about what she really was underneath who she was, or who she thought she was, or who she wanted to be. Her mother was a drunk and her father was a rapist. What did that make her she wondered? What was lurking in her waiting to come out? What did that mean for how nature-versus-nurture in her life? But watching her son grow had some how calmed some of those fears in her. Noah was alright – despite the challenges and the genes he had going against him. If he was alright, she could be too, right?

"Oh, well," she'd said. "I don't have to think about him much anymore," she lied. She'd always think about him in some way. She lived with a daily reminder of him. But she hoped there was some truth in the statement anyways.

"We're going to go do something tonight," she said, trying to change the direction of the conversation. "Mark the date or whatever."

"Oh yeah?" El had said. "Like what?"

She glanced at him and kind of sighed. El always seemed kind of disturbed – or maybe shocked when she said something that acted as a reminder that underneath it all, she really was a woman and a mother and a wife - and had a life outside of their time together dealing with the crap they dealt with. She did like doing some … normal, more feminine things that didn't involve guns and in-your-face interviews, rapists and talking-raunchy with the guys. She wasn't one of the boys.

"Ah, have you heard of the Make Meaning stores?" He was looking at her blankly. "It's like a craft store … you make stuff. Ceramics, jewelry, soap, candles, cake decorating."

He shook his head at her. "How do you even find out about this stuff?"

She shrugged. "I live here, El. I read."

"Rags."

"Whatever. This one's near us. We walk by it all the time. But it's something we'd normally do on the weekend and it's always packed. And it's membership based, if you want to make it affordable, anyways – so we'd put off justifying that expense."

"You guys are all about the memberships."

She glanced at him again. "And you enroll your kids in every sports activity imaginable. An annual membership to the museum and an annual membership to this place combined won't be much more than what we paid for four months of Tball. And we sure as hell make good use of the museum membership. We will this too. Not that I need to be justifying how we spend OUR money to you, El. Com'on."

"Relax," he told her lightly. "What are you going to make?"

She shrugged. "I know don't. We'll have to see what they have and what Noah is interested in. Probably some type of ceramic, though - that we can work on together. This time anyways. I guess I'd kind of like to do something with maybe our handprints and the date. Don't know. Something. Whatever."

El shook his head again. "Noah's really into this stuff?"

She looked at him. "Yeah, he is," she said seriously." But then just shrugged. "It's something we can do together right now. Even when he's feeling crappy – he's still usually able to sit and colour and glue most of the time or play with his PlayDoh or whatever. It's nice. And he's really good at it, El. Really good. It's fun to watch too. Just to see how he interacts with it and how his mind works. It's a different experience than kicking a soccer ball around with him.

He gave her a small smile. She wasn't sure he completely understood. Maybe she was glad he didn't.

She was done eating the one side of her bagel and didn't much feel like having the other half. She had actually eaten some yogurt and berries before coming into work. She was trying to get out of the habit of eating the take-out and other goodies that floated around at work – both for the sake of their bottom-line at home and her waistline. Though she supposed she hadn't paid money for this – and it had been a thoughtful and nice treat from El.

She started the car, pulling on her seatbelt and checking the mirrors, glancing at El, who had adjusted his belt over his shoulder too – and then pulled out into the traffic to start their drive up to Concourse Village.

"We're going to the Shake Shack for dinner," she offered to appease him, after she'd managed to get them on their way.

"That's more manly," he said and smiled. "Make sure he gets lots of 'kraut on his dog."

"What six-year-old likes sauerkraut?"

"Manly ones."

She shook her head. "Noah is plenty masculine," she told him almost defensively. "My life is dinosaurs and Hot Wheels and Lego spaceships and Batman and light-sabers noises and the Yankees adjusting their balls. Fart jokes and dinner table burping. Left-up toilet seats and dribble. Dirty socks everywhere. Black fingerprints all over my walls. There is a whole lot of little boy exploding all over my fucking house. He can sit and do some arts and crafts with his mother without me compromising his sexual identity, El."

"I'm only teasing," he told her. "Dickie liked all the craft stuff too. Him and Elizabeth were all about the PlayDoh and Spiral-Doddle – and the puppets. I sat through a whole lot of paper-bag puppet shows with them."

She allowed a small smile and nodded a little, reminding herself to calm down and not be so defensive about it. Noah was a little boy – she was allowed to have fun with him, and she was also allowed to expose him to different experiences and to try to nurture interests and talents where she saw them. Her son wasn't ever going to make the MLB, she doubted, but maybe he would be an engineer or architect or graphic designer or something. Maybe not. Maybe he would be a Jedi-Astronaut-Scientist-Physicist, like he told her too.

"Hey, speaking of girlie stuff, Kathy thinks I'm being negligent in my maid of honour duties," he told her.

She looked at him questioningly. "Ah, well, it'd still be nice to go out for drinks one day after work, we're still working on Rob's schedule but I think the fitting will be next Saturday – if that works for you, and other than that … please, show up on time on the 20th?"

"You know, if you need help with any of the organizing stuff, I can," he offered.

She shrugged. "El, we really are keeping it low-key. It's not going to be anything fancy. There's not a lot to do. We talked to his family about what we want to do in terms of food. They're going to take care of some of it. We've sorted out a caterer for the rest. The backyard is basically just going to be set up like they do for their parties – so that's not a problem. His dad was able to get some chairs and tables borrowed for us. It's really going to be fine. Casual."

He looked at her. "You're sure you don't want like … a shower or something?"

She snorted. "No. What the hell do we need? We're not 21. We have a house full of both of our stuff. And a bunch of his crap in storage in his brother's garage. I don't want … whatever … a gravy boat set."

"You can get a lot of use out of a gravy boat."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure I'd become a regular Martha Stewart, if someone would just buy me a gravy boat."

He offered a smile and about as near to a laugh as he ever got – but then she could feel him looking at her again for several seconds.

She glanced away from the road and at him.

"What?" She asked.

"Have you got your dress yet?"

She raised an eyebrow and looked back at the traffic. "Is that what this is about?"

He shrugged. "If you want company or whatever …"

She did laugh at that. "El, you aren't coming dress shopping with me."

"I just mean I could … sit there well you do whatever you need to do. Walk to the next store with you."

She snorted. "I think I'm OK. Thanks."

He watched her again.

"What now?"

"Do you have someone to … do that with?"

She glanced his way again and shrugged.

"Casey? Alex?" He suggested.

She took her one hand off the steering wheel and rubbed at her eyebrow. "Nah. I'm alright. It's not a big deal."

"It kind of is," he told her and there was a silence between them for a while. "If you need or want someone to be around – I'm serious – I can go. I know I don't have any sense of fashion and I can restrain myself from giving any sort of commentary. I can just … be there for support."

She snorted but glanced at him a bit more softly. "I'm sure Kathy would love that."

He shrugged. "She's the one who kind of pointed out that I should likely be doing a bit more than just showing up."

She glanced at him again and ran her eyes up and down him, taking in his body language. He seemed sincere. She was a little annoyed with him – but kind of touched by the offer. Though, the concept of letting Elliot Stabler go wedding dress shopping with her kind of seemed like a little much – not to mention awkward. Hell – Elliot seeing her in a wedding dress was going to be already weird. Elliot seeing her in anything other than her work attire – when they went out on stakeouts or the times she'd changed for a date at work and then never actually ever seemed to truly get out the station door – always felt off.

But she'd been putting off even going out and looking for something. She'd done some looking online. She'd jotted down a list of some shops in the city that she should go and look at eventually – but she just hadn't. It wasn't like with the wedding bands, where she had Will marching her in and out of stores. Or else she would've put that off too. This, though, she had to get this done on her own – and the reality was she just felt weird about doing it.

The concept of even seeing herself in a wedding dress seemed strange. Standing up dressed like that in front of her colleagues and friends seemed even more foreign. She just almost couldn't bring herself to go out and into those stores. Looking at the designs, picking a colour and a material and a cut, looking at the prices, having to try them on, having to look at herself, having to deal with the clerks, having to decide what was right. It seemed like a little much. It seemed strange to be doing on her own. She'd actually really considered telling Will he needed to come with her – but she knew that would be kind of weird too. Though, likely less weird than letting her partner come with her.

"I'll think about it," she finally said. "I'll let you know."


	152. Chapter 152

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"But I don't want to go to sleep, Mom," Noah protested at her again, from where he was sitting on the gurney in his gown, legs crossed under him and arms defiantly crossed over his chest, glaring her down.

The out-patient MRI procedures, and the hoops they were having to jump through, were making for a long day. They'd already been in the holding area for about 90 minutes – and that was after registering when they came into the hospital, check-in at imaging, waiting around to be called back, having to fill out yet another medical questionnaire and consent form, getting Noah changed, waiting again for him to be called back further into the unit to be examined by a resident, having the nurse come and put his line in and then come back to start him on an IV. It was starting to feel like the afternoon was never going to end. It was frustrating her – and really with each passing minute, Noah was getting more restless and anxious and confrontational about it too. It certainly didn't help that he hadn't been allowed to eat yet that day, either, and he was hungry and grumpy about it.

His latest MRI scan was supposed to just be a follow-up, checking in on how his liver was doing after continued wonky but improving results and to take a look at some of his lymph nodes, where there again had been some swelling. His doctor had argued, he just wanted to have updated results before starting her son in on his adjust protocol. He said that with where Noah was at in his LTM, and the number of months he was out from his in-patient treatment, it was important to check in on his central nervous system too.

So the MRI had been added to the entire gambit of tests her boy was having to go through before they could get to the next section of this whole experience. They'd been spending the week gritting their teeth and trying to bear it, as they took him back-and-forth to the hospital. Noah wasn't oblivious to the fact that it was way more appointments than usual and very different from his usual hospital routine for his chemo treatments or lab visits. He also wasn't oblivious to the fact that he was missing school yet again. They'd managed to get him in for his first two days of Grade 1, but had missed every day since. Yet another academic year they were really starting off on the right foot, she'd thought.

She had been watching her son lose patience with the whole ordeal and with each visit. He was becoming more stand-off-ish about not wanting to participate and just get home. She almost wished they'd admitted him for the week to run the tests. He was fine when they were just in the hospital. It was the fact they were out-patients and there was waiting room times and sitting in holding areas and the promise of getting to be home at the end of the day that seemed to be causing the most problems in dealing with him. It was just all making him anxious and nervous and temperamental.

She didn't really blame him. She always found the whole MRI experience a little nerve-wrecking. There was always that fear they were going to spot something new in her little boy – or that he'd relapsed. And, now that he'd experienced MRIs a couple times and realized how long he needed to stay still for and how loud the machine was – getting him to be co-operative about it had turned into a battle. She preferred when they got sent for the CTs. Sure, getting him to drink the contrast in the hours leading up to it, was a pain, and her and Will weren't allowed to go into the room with him. But the actual scan was over and done in about 10 minutes after they got him in there. It wasn't the same as the MRI battlefield they experienced.

She sighed and took his cheeks in her hands, looking at him. "Sweets, this isn't negotiable. This is how the doctors want to do it this time. The nurse already put your line in for you."

The line going into his arm already had an IV attached to it, slowly dripping some antibiotics, anti-nausea medication and another medication to still the rumblings of his insides for the purposes of the imaging. But she saw him glance at where the little needle and the plastic line was taped and gauzed tight against his hand and he started to move his other hand towards it. She grabbed it quickly and now glared at him.

"Don't you dare, Noah," she told him sternly. It wouldn't be the first time he'd taken it upon himself to rip out a line or pull of electrodes or blood pressure cuffs and heart rate monitors nodes in an effort to get out of doing something he didn't want to do.

"I don't want to, Mom," he whined again.

She looked at the ceiling and then sat on the gurney with him in the holding area.

She patted her lap. "Sit with me," she told him.

He considered her a moment but then crawled the short-distance across the narrow bed and settled on her. She wrapped her arms around him and put a kiss on his temple.

"What's wrong, sweets?"

"I don't want to go to sleep, Mom," he said again about his pending general anesthesia.

"I know, sweetheart. But …. OK … do you remember how hard it was to lay so still last time and to be laying in there when it's so noisy?"

He buried his face against her but nodded.

"Well, sweets, they need to take pictures of you even longer this time. They need to take pictures of your tummy," she touched it for him, "and you're back," she moved her hand there, "and your head," she caressed where he was breathing hot little breathes against her shoulder. "It's going to take almost two hours, may longer," she told him. "That's a really long time to lay so still when you aren't sleeping. Mommy would have trouble laying still in there that long."

He rubbed his face against her more – so she rubbed her hand up and down his back.

"It's going to be just like taking a nap, sweets. You're just going to go to sleep for a little while," she assured him, knowing she was kind of lying. Her son didn't wake up nauseated and spend the next several hours vomiting when he woke up from a nap and he didn't stumble around like a zombie either.

"But Will came in last time," he whined, and she could just hear the tears building behind it. She didn't want her son to be in hysterics when the anesthesiologist came into their little curtained-off area.

"I know, sweetheart. But when you're asleep – Mommy's not allowed to be in there. You don't need me in there when you're asleep."

"Yes, I do," he told her in a sad little whine.

She cupped his head tight against her chest, rubbing her thumb up and down his temple. "You're my big, brave boy and I know you don't need me in there," she told him. "You know where the ladies who take the pictures sit, right outside the windows?"

He nodded against her again.

"I'm going to be standing right there and watching the whole time."

He looked up at her with big, glassy eyes.

"I'll be right there, Noah," she assured him again. "Just outside the door. OK? And when you wake up after – I'll sitting with you and waiting. I'll be right there too."

He considered her for a long time and she just kept rubbing at his cheek, praying tears didn't start to fall down them. She was struggling to keep it together herself and keep him calm.

"Can Bluey come?" he finally asked.

She nodded. "Bluey can go with you," she told him. She knew it was a lie – that the little NYPD teddy bear would be handed to her as they took him in. But she prayed that everything would go as planned and she'd be with him when he woke up and have lots of time to return the well-loved stuffie back to his clutches without him ever knowing the difference.

"Will Daddy be here yet?"

She looked at her watch and considered it. "Maybe, sweetheart. Daddy finishes work at six today." She showed him her watch. "It's almost three o'clock, right? So he might be here by the time you wake up."

"How will he find us, though, Mom?"

She stroked his head again, looking into his worried eyes. "He'll find us, sweets. He'll stop and ask or he'll call my phone."

"You aren't allowed phones, Mom," he told her seriously.

She gave him a little smile. "Daddy will find us, sweets. Don't worry about that."

He nodded and rested his head back against her again. "I'm cold, Mommy," he said quietly.

"Mmm," she said and held him tightly for a moment. "It is cold in here. Here, let's get you off Mommy for a minute," she told him, helped adjust him back to sitting on the gurney himself, before she stood from the bed.

She grabbed their daypack and set it on the bed to rooted around in it – eventually pulling out the fuzzy pair of sleep socks she'd brought for him and finding his toque as well. She gave him a small smile and pulled the toque over the top of his head, tugging it all the way to his ears. He started adjusting it himself as she moved her hands away and turned her attention to grabbing off the absurd little paper booties they'd had him put on and slipping the socks onto each of his feet.

"Is this allowed?" He asked as she finished.

"I think so, sweets. No metal. But we'll just take them off, if they say it's not allowed. And, I'm going to tell them to put a blanket on you when you go in, OK? To make sure you're nice and warm."

He nodded a bit and then grabbed and tugged her arm for her to sit back down on the bed and he crawled back into her lap as soon as she sat. She rubbed his little arms vigourously, feeling the gooseflesh there – she wasn't sure if it was from the cold or whatever was in his drip, or if it was a bit of both.

The IV bag was nearly empty and she hoped that they'd be getting to the next step of all of this soon.

The doctors must've read her impatient thoughts, because barely a minute had gone by before the curtain had breezed open and a middle-aged Asian man with thick glasses had come in, pulling the curtain closed behind him.

"Hello," he smiled at them. "I'm Dr. Yu, and I'm going to be your anesthesiologist today, Noah and … ?"

"Olivia," she offered, as Noah clutched at her more tightly.

He glanced at a chart he had in his hand and nodded. "I need to confirm his birth date," he said.

"May 27th, Oh-Six," she said. She was getting so tired of repeating the identity confirmation over and over again that day with every health professional they encountered at each of these individual steps.

"And you reside at …?"

"128, West 78th. One-A"

"I'm going to need to get you to lay him down," the doctor said.

She nodded and shifted a bit – but Noah just tightened his arms around her neck even more.

"OK, sweets," she whispered, "none of this."

The doctor had gone over to stopping the one IV and flushing it, getting ready to put in the next set of drugs to put her son under.

She carefully pulled his arms from around her neck and shuffled him off her lap and onto the mattress, standing before he could put up anymore of a fuss. She rubbed her hand down his cheek again – and patted up near the head of the gurney.

"Lay back, sweets," she told him.

He looked at her sadly and she rubbed her thumb up his forehead but shook her head.

"Fearlessness," she told him seriously. "You're going to be fine, sweetheart."

Her son kept his eyes on her – but slowly complied and as he lay down, she took a hold of his hand and moved his bear to rest on his chest for him.

A nurse came into the area, carrying another IV bag, and gave her a small smile. She then went over to the doctor and they worked at getting it set up on the stand and he turned back to them.

"OK, Noah, we're going to get this done so you and your mom can get home, OK?" Her son nodded. "I bet you know your numbers pretty good, right?" Noah nodded again. "Yeah? How high can you count?"

Noah sort of shrugged while he examined the man. "Five hundred maybe," he offered.

"Wow. That's pretty impressive, Noah," the doc said. "Well, in just a second, Noah, I'm going to ask you to start counting and I want you to count as high as you can for me, OK?"

He nodded a bit and the doctor looked at her. "Shouldn't take more than about 15 seconds," he told her quietly.

She gave a small movement of recognition and rubbed her thumb across the top of Noah's hand some more, giving it a good squeeze.

"I love you, sweets," she told him. "I'm so proud of you."

He just kept looking at her with big eyes.

"I'm right here," she assured him again.

The doctor glanced at her. "OK, we're going to get started." He looked into Noah's eyes and gave him a little smile. "Can you start counting for me, Noah? As high as you can."

Her little boy nodded and slowly started. "One, two, three, four …"

She kept her eyes on him, holding his little hand tightly in hers and cupping it with her other. He'd barely reached nine when his eyes started to flutter and she could see them rolling back in his head. She'd never get used to watching her son be put under. It was terrifying. Her heart always skipped a little bit and there was inevitably that brief panic that he wouldn't be opening his eyes again – as his little body went so limp and his eyes got so blank.

The nurse continued to putter around her son, clearly monitoring his vitals – fingers checking at his pulse and stethoscope on his chest for his shallow little breathes. But the doctor looked at her instead and then glanced at her son's chart again as Noah's body settled into the eerie stillness.

"OK, we've got you in Waiting Room 3 of PACU. That's up on the fourth floor."

She did a bit of a double-take and shook her head at him. "Ah, I was under the impression I got to be with the imaging technicians while he's in there," she said.

The doctor considered her for a moment. "Well, if you like, we can allow you to stand there to observe him being secured in the scanner – but, unfortunately, you can't stay in the area after that."

She widened her eyes at him – feeling some anger building up. "I told him that's where I was going to be," she said with a clear edge to her voice.

Yu gave her a sympathetic nod. "I understand. But, I'd just like to reassure you, that myself and Nurse Tagish will be with Noah and monitoring him during the entire procedure. One of our administrators will come and retrieve you after we have him established in the recovery area."

She felt her heart sinking. "My husband was able to stay with him the last time he had an MRI," she tried in protest.

The doctor again gave a small nod. "He wasn't sedated?" He didn't wait for an answer. "This is standard procedure. I'm sorry if some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication occurred."

She gaped and felt the urge to lash back in a firmer argument. But she could also feel Will's presence and what he'd be saying and doing when she had these kinds of moments at the hospital – his hand coming up to her shoulder and pulling her other shoulder against his chest, rubbing up and down her bicep, whispering in her ear to calm down, to not be rude to the doctors, that they were helping Noah, that it would be alright.

She let out a heavy sigh and shook her head hard, examining the floor for a moment.

"He's been complaining about being cold. Can you please make sure he gets a blanket?"

The nurse gave her a smile. "I'll make sure we have a warm one ready for him," she assured.

She gave a small nod.

"Do you need us to get one of the administrators to come and direct you to the waiting room?" Yu offered.

She shook her head, examining Noah's little lifeless body and again stroking at his small hand.

"I know where it is," she said softly.

The doctor nodded and pulled the curtain back open. "We should get going," he said.

She nodded again and brushed her thumb across Noah's forehead. "OK, sweets," she whispered. "I'll see you soon." She leaned forward and placed a small kiss where her hand had just been, before hesitantly moving away from him, taking Bluey off his chest and drawing the bear to hers instead and then taking the few steps to stand outside the curtain. She watched as the nurse rolled her son's bed out and started to push it down the hallway to the imaging area.

She sighed as they disappeared from sight, almost wanting to cry, but shook herself and exited back to the MRI waiting room area – before trudging from there and to the elevator bays to make her way up to the fourth floor.

The elevator seemed to go in slow motion as she travelled up the two levels – looking out the glass windows and into the open foyer of the hospital, watching all the families coming and going in their moments of joy, fear and agony – young and old. As the doors open, she glanced both ways until her eyes fell on the sign directing her to the Post-Anesthesia Care Unit. She walked down the hallway and past the reception desk to where she saw numbered doors for the various waiting rooms.

There were two other families sitting in No. 3. She slumped into a chair as far away from them as possible, glancing at the television in the corner that playing the 24-hour news channel at such a low volume it was barely worth it being on, beyond it being something to stare blankly at. She looked at her watch. She didn't know how she was going to sit through the next two or three hours. She knew it was going to feel more like ten or twelve.

She pulled her phone from her pocket and flicked Will's name, preparing to text him, even though she knew he was in a lecture at that point and he wasn't likely to be able to respond.

"They didn't let me stay with him," she thumbed in and hit send.


	153. Chapter 153

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

A cup of tea came into her line of sight the sight of her downcast eyes, as she read on the iPad. She glanced up and Will gave her a thin smile.

"Thanks," she said, and accepted the tea. He just nodded and sat down next to her. "You're here sooner than I thought you'd be," she commented.

He shrugged. "I decided to let them go early. Told them to go over to the book store and collect the class material."

She snorted a bit as she took the first sip of her tea. "How many of them do you think will actually do that?"

He gave her a little smile. "I wouldn't. It's pub night."

"Mmm," she said and raised her eyebrows at him. "Now they're going to think you're a cool prof – letting them out early on the first week of class, on pub night no less."

"I am a very cool prof," he agreed despite her sarcasm.

She shook her head at him. "Did Dickie show up?"

He just shrugged again. "I don't know. It's a big class. I didn't notice him specifically. But I also didn't give them a break and left right after I wrapped up – so he wouldn't have had a chance to come down and talk to me. I'll shoot him an email tomorrow."

She gave a small nod and went back to looking at the screen in front of her.

"What you doing there?" He asked, leaning further back into the chair and pulling his messenger bag off of him.

She shrugged. "Work. Trying to distract myself."

"How's that working for you?"

She glanced at him. "It's not."

He brought his hand up and gave her a few gentle massaging motions at the tight muscles around the base of her neck.

"When did they take him in?"

"Around three-thirty."

He nodded. "So should be soon then?"

She made another small shrug. "I hope so."

He didn't ask another question, so she diverted her eyes back to the iPad again, though she saw him leaning over a bit and gazing at the screen too.

"What is it that you're reading?"

"An autopsy report," she said.

He made an audible sigh and reached over taking it from her hands. She glared at him.

"OK, Liv, your work is … your work. But you don't need to be reading that right now."

She looked at him hard. "Yes, I do. I need to know it's findings so I'm ready to go tomorrow morning."

He shook his head. "You want distraction? Why don't you play Angry Birds or something?"

She grabbed the tablet back from him and flicked it back to the screen she'd been on. "Because that's a ridiculous game."

"Just because your six-year-old is better at it than you, doesn't make it ridiculous. You need some practice," he told her.

"I can think of a whole list of better things to do with my time than that."

"Like reading an autopsy report?"

She glanced at him and rolled her eyes. "Yes, like reading an autopsy report."

He leaned over to her and whispered into her ear, "The other people sitting in here are listening to you say autopsy and it's making them uncomfortable."

She glanced up and across the room where an older man and woman were huddled in the corner. The man made eye contact with her and shifted in his chair. She looked at Will. "Oh well."

He shook his head at her – but let her go back to her reading, though he kept rubbing his thumb across her knee that was closest to him. He watched she a bit – as she'd read and swiped at the screen and occasionally took a sip of the tea he'd brought her.

"Have you eaten?" He asked, already reaching for his bag.

"I'm not really hungry," she'd responded without even looking up.

"Blood sugar," he said and tapped an apple against her shoulder. She glanced at it but shook her head, not accepting it.

"I've got a tangerine too and I've probably got a granola bar buried in there somewhere."

She sighed, knowing he wouldn't drop it if she didn't take something. "OK, I'll have the orange."

He nodded and went back to digging his bag and then sat there quietly, peeling it for her. Eventually he handed her a slice and popped a piece into his own mouth too. She hate her slice slowly, in two bites, hoping to avoid more being forced on her. But he already had another piece handed out in front of her when she put the second half into her mouth. She sighed and took it as well.

"Noah Benson," a nurse standing in the doorway called.

Olivia immediately put the piece of orange in her mouth and stood up, Will right behind her.

The nurse looked at them. "Only one of you can be in the recovery suite at a time," she said.

Will looked at her and rubbed his hand across her lower back as she stepped forward.

"You want me to keep the bag?" He asked, as she picked up the backpack.

She shook her head. "It's got his stuff in it. He might want something – and to change him."

He nodded "OK," he said and reached to give her hand a little squeeze as she headed for the door. She glanced back as she was leaving to see him sitting himself back down and watching her a little sadly. She knew he wanted to come too.

The nurse guided her down the hallway and into the recovery bay. Most of the beds in that suite looked occupied and she could hear chatter behind curtains and see family members and nurses milling around. The nurse motioned at a curtain for her, and she stepped in behind it. There was another nurse sitting in the chair on one side of Noah's bed. He had various monitors attached to him and quietly beeping. An IV was dripping into his slowly – and he was still laying completely passed out, looking so small under the flannel blankets tucked around him.

The nurse glanced up at her – and gave her a small smile and motioned for the chair on the opposite side of the bed.

She nodded and walked over – caressing his hand again and leaning down to give him a small kiss. "I'm here, sweets," she told him.

She sat and started rubbing her thumb across his cheek.

"It's best if you just try to let him sleep," the nurse told her softly. "It's better if they come out of it on their own. He'll be awake soon and you can comfort him more then."

She looked at her and reluctantly took the hint to stop touching him – though still moved her hand down to hold his small hand.

"We've had him in here about 10 minutes," the nurse told her. "Could be anywhere from about 20 minutes to an hour-and-a-half before he wakes up."

Olivia nodded. "OK." She glanced at the monitors and the numbers on them and looked to the IV.

"We're just hydrating him," the nurse offered, "and giving him a bit more anti-nausea medication. His records showed he has a history with difficulty coping with anesthetic?"

Liv nodded. "Yeah, he usually has an upset stomach for a several hours after."

"Hopefully this will help," she said. "We're going to have a snack brought in for him after he gets up. Crackers, arrowroot cookies, Jello?"

"Jello," she said.

"Will he drink apple juice?"

She shook her head. "Not if he's nauseated."

The nurse nodded. "OK. I'll let you sit with him for a while. I'm going to open the curtain, though. We need to observe him as he comes out of it. I'll be back and forth to check on you."

She got up and pulled the curtain open around them and headed over to the station in the middle of the suite where several nurses were standing around – coming and going, in and out of curtains to check on patients.

Olivia looked back at her son. He still looked so small and lifeless at the moment. It was hard to watch. It had her flashing back to the early weeks of his treatment and all those days in the hospital and the overwhelming fear that clung to her as they struggled to get used to the routine and their new normal. The medical jargon and all the equipment attached to her son. Seeing him look so sick and so small. Figuring out how to calm him and to calm herself without letting him know how scared she was. She wasn't sure she was ever going to really be able to think of what they were experiencing as normal – no matter how routine it might get for them.

She pulled her chair a bit closer to his bed and put her elbows on it. Bringing his little hand up to her cheek and holding it there as she felt each of his still so tiny fingers.

"You did really good, sweetheart," she told him softly, watching his face for any signs he was about to wake.

She sat like that for some time – just watching, thinking and also trying not to think - and then gently put his hand down and leaned down to open the daypack, retrieving Bluey for him and carefully tucking him under his arm. He stirred a little bit as she moved him and she again watched him.

His eyes slowly fluttered - and then opened and then closed.

"Mommy's here Noah," she told him, gripping his hand again. She looked over at the nurses' station. "I think he's waking up," she called over and their nurse glanced their way and started to come back to their area. She pulled the curtain back around the bed and sat down, glancing between the boy and the monitors.

"You're done your MRI, Noah," the nurse told her son, as his eye lids continued to twitch and he groggily opened and closed them, not really acknowledging either of them yet. "You're still at the hospital and your Mommy is right here with you."

"I'm here, Noah," Liv said again, and again drew his hand up to her cheek.

He turned his head a bit and seemed to examine her through silted eyes. "Mommy?" he said quietly and in a cracked voice that sounded like he had a dry mouth and throat.

She nodded at him. "Yeah, sweetheart. I'm right here."

He looked like he was trying to focus his eyes but they fluttered shut again and his head lulled.

She looked at the nurse. "Can I touch him now?"

She nodded at her. "But do let him sleep, if he falls back asleep – and be careful. He might still have some emergence delirium. He might thrash when you touch him, if he's not expecting it. He might be teary."

Olivia leaned in closer and rubbed her thumb across his cheek and he again slatted open his eyes and looked at her. "Mommy?" he asked again.

She nodded. "Yeah, still here, Noah."

He lifted his hand for her and touched her face, like he was testing she was really there. She let him and gave him a smile.

"Daddy?" Noah asked after poking at her cheeks and mouth for several minutes.

She rubbed her hand across his forehead. "Daddy's just outside, sweetheart. He'll come in and see you in a little while."

He lulled his head and looked over at the nurse, his forehead knitting.

"I'm Nurse Rhea," she told him. "You should try to sleep, Noah."

His head lulled back to Olivia. "I'm thirsty, Mommy."

"OK," she took his hand again and looked at the nurse.

She nodded. "I'll get him a small drink. He can have some – but we should wait until he comes out of it more before he has too much – or it might induce vomiting."

She disappeared back over to the nursing station and Olivia looked back at her son.

"You did so well, Noah," she told him.

He seemed spacey – though he was slowly opening his eyes wider, though they only seemed to take in the room for about 30 seconds at a time before slowly closing and reopening several seconds later.

"It's OK if you want to sleep, sweets," she told him.

"Are we home yet?" He asked.

She shook her head. "No, sweets, we're still at the hospital. We'll go home after you feel more awake and after you've had something to eat and a pee for the nurses. OK?"

He moved a bit in the bed. "It's cold," he complained.

"I'll ask Nurse Rhea to bring you another blanket when she comes back with your water."

"I'm thirsty," he said.

She nodded. "I know, sweets. We're getting you a drink."

He put his hand on her forehead and examined her – his dark eyes peaking at her from under his heavy eye lids. "Mommy?"

She gave him another smile. "Yeah, sweetheart, still here."


	154. Chapter 154

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot did a bit of a double-take as he came into the squad room and saw her hunched over her desk. He thought he had been arriving early – but she'd clearly been there for quite a while.

"Hey," he said, and she glanced at him. "You're here early. I wasn't really expecting to see you at all today."

She gave him a small smile. Her eyes looked tired – so did her face. She didn't even have her usual sparse make-up on and it looked like she'd been running her hands through her hair too much, leaving it a bit of a mess.

She shrugged at him. "Yeah, I just feel so behind – and I wasn't sleeping. I decided to come in."

"Noah's OK?"

She nodded. "He comes off the anesthesia so badly that he's a complete zombie. I think last night was actually the first night in … I don't know how long … that he actually slept through the night. And, of course, then I'm up all night anyways."

"Checking on him?"

She shrugged. "Yeah."

"When did you come in?"

"Will got up around 4, went for a run. I left after he got back."

"So you've been here since 5? 6?"

She shrugged. "I guess. Something like that."

He shook his head at her. "Noah will be OK waking up without you there?" he asked.

She nodded, looking more at her computer than him at that point. "Yeah, he'll be fine. Will's with him. He'll still be a space cadet today anyways. He'll likely sleep most of the day. With any luck, he won't even notice I'm gone."

Elliot examined her from his desk.

The squad room was still only illuminated by the nighttime power-preservation lighting that kept it in near darkness, forcing the night-shift workers, the early go-getters and haunted insomniacs to resort to their little desk lamps and not depend on the overhead lighting or natural light coming in from the windows.

Olivia had hers on and files sprawled across her desk. She also apparently had something open on her computer screen – and kept looking at it and then glancing at her files to reference something, and then looking back to the screen. She also kept doing her restless fiddling of a pen back and forth in her fingers, occasionally bringing it up to her mouth to tap up and down on lips she'd pull tight – but not putting it in her mouth to chew on.

She must've felt him watching her and she glanced up at him. "What? Why are you here so early?"

"Takota case," he said flatly.

She nodded, with a knowing look and a bit of a frown. "Yeah," she said in acknowledge and agreement – not really needing to say much more. He knew it would be a case that would be eating at her too – that it was likely bothering her that she'd been away from work this week and not been able to help out on it as much as she'd like. But after her succinct response, she looked back to her own work.

Still, he kept watching her and she looked up again. "What?" she said again, this time with a bit more exasperation.

He shrugged. "I'm proud of you."

She gave him a funny look and snorted – before shaking her head and again turning her eyes to one of the files on the desk. "OK, thanks," she said with a bit of confusion in her voice.

"I am," he offered again. "I don't know how you've been doing it. I don't know I could do it."

She looked up slowly and met his eyes. "You could do it, El. I hope you never have to. But you could do it. We all do what we need to do for our kids. You know that. You've demonstrated that – more than once."

He shook his head and sighed in a bit of sadness as he again thought about what his partner – his friend – was going through, what her little boy was going through, how it wasn't fair that either of them where having to endure that, how it wasn't fair she was being put through such an ordeal with the little child – her only child – that she'd wanted for so long and now seemed to live in constant fear she'd lose him, and had to put up a constant fight to keep him. Meanwhile, she kept on the strong face and trudged into work and dealt with their chaos and sadness there, provided support and compassion for the victims and their families, and then had to go home and deal with such hardship their too. He hated that she was having to go through all of it with her child.

"I don't know how you do it, Olivia," he said again, a bit more quietly.

She shrugged. "You just do it."

He sighed. "Well, I'm still proud of you."

He looked away though at that point, and opened his own drawer, pulling out the files he'd left for the few hours he'd headed home and placed them back on his desk – grabbing his own pen and flicking on his computer monitor.

She pulled her eyes up to him, though, and watched him herself for a moment. She gave him a thin smile as he cautiously glanced back at her before really starting his work.

"Thanks, El," she said quietly. "That means a lot."


	155. Chapter 155

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She glanced down at Noah as he ran one of his Hot Wheels over the top of her foot again. She shook her head.

"Sweets, what you are you doing?" She asked him, as she finished folding another one of his shirts and tossed it into the laundry basket sitting on the coffee table.

"Speed bumps," he told her simply and continued maneuvering the car around the floor near her feet.

"Ah," she said. "Well, you know, this basket is all your clothes and I see a bunch of socks you could be matching," she told him in a kind but you're-seriously-being-told voice.

He looked up at her and sighed but crawled over to where she had the basket of clean unfolded laundry sitting on the floor next to where she was sitting on the couch and looked into it, pulling out one sock and then rooting around until he found another.

"Do these match?" He showed her a navy sock and a black one.

"Do they look like they match?"

He shrugged.

"Look again," she told him seriously.

"Black and blue look the same," he informed her.

She shook her head. "No they don't, sweets. Match them properly. You can't go to school with mismatched socks. It'd look silly."

He rooted some more. "I'll just do the striped ones and the heel ones," he told her.

"You'll do all your socks, Noah," she told him with some sternness.

He huffed but rolled together a matching pair and put them into the basket on the table.

"When will Will be home?" he asked, rooting through the basket again, as she worked on the more complicated folding – shirts, jeans, pajama sets.

"After you're asleep, sweetheart."

"Why does he keep coming so late?"

She glanced at him. "We talked about this, Noah. Daddy is teaching some evening classes this term because he wants to make sure he can come to as many of your doctors' appointments as he can."

"But then he misses bedtime all the time," Noah near whined.

"He misses bedtime on Monday and Thursday, Noah – not all the time."

"All the time," he told her again.

She looked at him sternly. "Not all the time – Monday and Thursday and just until Christmas."

"That's forever away."

"It's four months away – not even."

"You don't do voices," he protested again, about the apparently inadequate story-time he'd been experiencing during the past week or so. She'd been left with solo story-duty. Pulling Noah out of the routine they'd come to expect of her reading the narrative and Will creating different voices for every character in every single book. Apparently just Mommy reading to him made for very boring story-time, she'd learned, no matter what book it was or how much he loved the story.

"I can do voices, if you want," she told him - again.

"Your voices aren't as good," he informed her very matter-of-factly.

She shook her head at him – and watched him for a moment. He'd stopped rooting through the basket and had turned his attention to sticking his one hand in his mouth. She pulled it away.

"Don't do that, sweets. Germs," she told him.

He pulled his hand away from her and stuck his fingers back in his mouth. "I think my tooth is loose," he told her.

She looked at him again. "Come here," she said, gesturing at him to get up. He came and stood in front of her and still worked at wiggling it. She pushed his elbow down a bit so she could get a better view and put her hands on his waist, pulling him a bit closer. "Show me," she told him.

She had felt a stir of excitement that her baby might be getting close to loosing his first tooth. But with him closer now, and watching him, to her it didn't much look like he was doing anything but pulling at the one incisor.

"I don't know, sweets," she said. "Maybe. But it doesn't look too wiggly to me yet."

He made a gurgling sound and started to mumble between his full mouth, so she pulled his hand away from it again.

"Say it again," she told him.

"Bobby lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy left him $10 under his pillow," he informed her.

She looked at him. "Wow. The Tooth Fairy used to leave me a quarter for my teeth. Apparently there's been a lot of inflation since I was a little girl."

He looked at her questioningly.

"I think maybe the Tooth Fairy gives you a special amount for your first tooth," she told him, hoping to avoid having to pay out that much every time over the next several years. "But then I'm pretty sure she just leaves a $1 now for the ones after that."

"Why's the first tooth get $10 then?"

"Because it's the very first baby tooth you leave her, it's special – for her collection," she tried.

"She has a collection?"

"Well, what do you think she's doing with all those teeth?"

"Making necklaces," he told her.

"Eww. A tooth necklace sounds kind of gross."

"It's like beads, Mom."

"You think so?"

He nodded.

She shrugged. "Maybe you're right. We'll have to see if we can find a book about the Tooth Fairy and what she does with all the teeth when we're at the library on the weekend – so we know for sure when that one gets more wiggly."

He nodded again and looked at her more seriously.

"Mommy, why's Daddy want to come to the doctor's but miss bedtime?"

"Mmm," she said, and pulled him in between her knees and more to her chest in a half hug; he leaned against her. "Daddy likes being at your appointments. Don't you like having Daddy there?"

Noah shrugged. "I like Daddy at bedtime too."

She nodded. "I know you do. But, sweets, with the doctors changing how we're doing your medicine, there's a lot of information they're giving Mommy and Daddy right now and he just wants to make sure he isn't missing anything."

He looked at her harder. "Mommy is chemo going to be really different now? Is it going to be like last week?"

She instantly ran her hand down his cheek, trying to soften his sad eyes, and she pulled him up onto her lap, pulling him even tighter to her and placing a kiss on his temple.

"Sweets, last week was your tests. Not chemo," she assured him. "Your doctors have decided you're going to take less of one of your night pills but we're going to try a new pill too – and they're going to mix another one in when we go in for your chemo drip too. OK?"

He nodded at her repeated explanation – that she'd been having to tell and retell him multiple times since their spree of appointments. She could tell he was stewing and worrying. She was actually at the point she we thinking of giving his social worker a call and scheduling a family meeting to get in there and talk about it together. She wasn't sure her son was grasping the change properly and that it was agitating him.

"OK, and sweets, like we talked about before – you're going to take breaks from your medicine now about every four weeks. But, you know how we have to go and have the fluid in your spine checked sometimes?" He gave her a little nod. "Well, once a month or so, we're going to go and they are going to put some extra medicine there for you too now. But it's going to be just like how they take the fluid out – only this time when they put the needle in, they're going to put medicine in your instead."

He rubbed his cheek against her shoulder.

"I don't like the spinal taps, Mommy," he told her quietly. "It hurts."

Her heart sank a bit more. Her six-year-old son knowing what a spinal tap was bad enough. But she hated that he had to go through them. She hated having to watch him going through them. She hated knowing that they hurt him. She hated that it was now going to become a regular part of their treatment routine.

"I know, sweetheart," she told him, and rubbed his upwards cheek, caressing his ear and feeling the little bit of fuzz he had on his head for at least the moment. "But it's going to help make you better."

"When?" he asked.

She sighed. "The doctors are working as hard as they can to get you better as fast as they can, Noah."

He was acting tired in addition to now being sulky in his worry. She rubbed his shoulder and glanced at the digital clock up on the stereo. It was nearing time to start to get him ready for bed anyways.

"The nurses always let you pick a toy after you've been so brave during your spinal taps, though," she offered. "Remember it was hard to pick last time," she said, referring to the little goodie-box they'd bring out with suckers and party-bag-style loot for the kids – like they were at some sort of cheap chain family restaurant and they'd just ordered off the children's menu and received an end-of-meal prize. But at least it gave her son to look forward to – even if it was just a finger puppet or a parachute man or bouncy ball or a little set of crayons. It was something to motivate him to co-operate and keep still and to just get through it.

He nodded against her. "Do you think the elephant will still be there?" He asked with a hint of hope that he'd get to claim the little plastic figure.

"Maybe. But maybe some other little boy will have picked it too. There will be other things to choose from, though."

"Can we go to the zoo?" he asked.

Whenever animals got mentioned, it was shortly thereafter followed by a request to once again walk across the park to the zoo. She thought they really should consider getting a membership there too. They ended up over there at least every two or three months – and with how much paying for single admissions each time cost, they'd likely already exceeded the annual fee that year. But she really didn't know how many times they could visit the zoo and for it to still be interesting to him. Yet, every time, he seemed to look at it with fresh eyes and she just loved watching how'd he light up and point at the animals. It made her feel like a bit of a kid again too.

"We'll see how you're feeling this weekend," she told him, "and maybe we'll be able to go to the zoo."

"Mommy?" he asked, after pausing for a few more beats with her response.

"Yeah, sweets," she mumbled into the top of his head, where she was becoming increasingly lost in her own thoughts and trying to cope with her own worries and pain she had for her son.

"You'll still come to the doctors and chemo even though Daddy can come too now?"

She pulled him tighter to her and nodded against the top of his head, planting a kiss there. "Noah, I like being at all your appointments and I only miss them when I really, really have to."

"Like when you have to catch a bad guy or help a kid," he told her with an edge of certainty but a bit of questioning in his voice.

"Like when I have to catch a bad guy or help a kid," she agreed, though.

"Are any of the kids you help sick too, Mom?"

"Mmm," she drew him tighter to her still. "Sometimes, sweets. But most of the time someone's just been really mean to them or hurt them – and they need help from police officers."

"So you help them?"

She nodded. "So I help them."

"Do you give them hugs?" Noah asked.

She gave him a small smile against his temple. "Sometimes. But I'm not really supposed to hug people I don't know, sweets. Just like you don't hug people you don't know and you don't let people hug you – if you don't want them to touch you."

"But maybe you hugging them would help them, Mom," he told her, and glanced up at her.

She gave him another little smile and ran her thumb from his temple, down to his cheek. "Maybe, sweets. But even if I'm a police officer, I'm still a stranger to most of the kids I'm helping – and I always tell kids they shouldn't let strangers touch them, right?"

He gave her a little nod. "But you give really good hugs, Mom."

She smiled more. "Yeah?"

He nodded vigorously. "They help lots."

She gave him a kiss on the forehead and pulled his closer to her into another one, holding him as tight as she could against her, almost hoping that having him that close to her could pull some of his pain and worry and sickness out of him and into her – so she could just take on that burden for him.

"I'm glad they help, sweets," she whispered to him.


	156. Chapter 156

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will wasn't sure if it was Olivia's phone ringing or her pulling away from him that caused him to wake. But by the time he felt consciousness pulling at him, she was rolling away from her usual spot, of having invaded his sleeping space, and she was half way back to her side of the bed and reaching for her bedside table.

"Benson," he heard her nearly yawn into the phone, and he rolled over onto his side to watch her in the dark. She glanced at his movement, while she nodded acknowledgement to the speaker on the other end of the phone, and seemingly absent-mindedly reached out and ran her hand through his bed-head a couple times.

"OK," she said, starting to sound more awake. "About 25 minutes? Yeah. OK. See you then."

She looked at the phone's screen for a moment before putting it back on the table and then glanced again at him.

"Work?" He asked quietly.

She nodded. "Yeah. I've got to get up. Head in. Elliot will pick me up in a bit."

"Mmm," he sighed and buried his head in the pillow. "What time is it?"

"Almost three," she told him.

"Mmm, God," he moaned into the pillow again.

She rubbed his bicep and pushed herself to a sitting position. "Go back to sleep," she told him, as she threw her legs off the bed and seemed to think about it for a moment, before standing up and heading towards the bathroom.

He didn't argue with her about going back to sleep. But he also didn't plan to go back to sleep until after she left the apartment. He liked to get to say goodbye to her when she left in the middle of the night like this. So he lay there, his body now sprawled over the warm spot she'd vacated on the mattress, breathing in her faint scent, and listened to the water going in the bathroom as she started to get ready for her day – if you could call it that at that hour. The sound of it must've lulled him back to sleep, though, because when his eyes flickered open again, the room was quiet and there wasn't any sign of her – the bathroom light was off, she wasn't by her closet. She'd clearly gone downstairs.

He mumbled to himself a bit more, as he forced himself to sit up, rubbing his eyes, and then stumbled towards the stairs – hoping he hadn't missed her departure. But she was just coming out of Noah's room as he got to the bottom of the stairs. She always went in to check on her son and to give him a kiss whenever she got called away while he was sleeping – day or night.

She glanced at Will and allowed a small smile, as she headed into the small front foyer and pulled open the closet, and began working at getting her hidden lock-box open.

"You didn't have to get up," she told him, like she always did, as she stood with her hands above her head, as she retrieved her badge and service weapon from the box on the top shelf.

He just silently shrugged, and watched as she holstered the gun to her belt. He always thought it looked so huge on her slim frame. He'd never actually seen her with her weapon drawn. It went between thinking it could be kind of sexy to thinking it was deeply disturbing.

Will actually found most of her job pretty disturbing whenever he stopped to think about it too much. He actually didn't really like to think about her work too much. He didn't truly understand it. He wasn't sure he ever would. He knew she was deeply committed to it and part of him really did understand why. He knew about her personal history to know why she'd been drawn to it – and why she related to some of the victims. He knew her well enough to know she was a woman full of compassion and empathy, especially for women and children – and that she liked helping them. She was driven to help them, driven to try to make things better for them, driven to try to correct wrongs and to stand by her morals and what she believed was right. He was proud of many of her achievements at work. He liked being with someone as caring as her, as morally grounded as her, as strong as her, as committed and passionate as her. But another part of him still despised her job.

He hated to even think about the things she'd seen and the things she'd had to do. He didn't know how you could see those things – battered children, raped women, tortured people, dead bodies; to have to shoot people, to have to talk to disgusting people who did disgusting things. How do you see all of that and reconcile it and come home? He didn't know. He knew she did … or at least that she managed, most of the time. But it still haunted him on some level to even think about what she did, what she saw – and he wasn't even the one who was having to see or do it.

It was a form of fear, he acknowledged. He worried about her. Knowing she was out in the field. That there were times she had her weapon drawn or there were shots fired or knives waved or bombs going off – or God knows what else. Bad things could happen to her. He had to trust that she knew what she was doing and that her partner and the rest of her squad and the rest of the Blue Line had her back. But, in all honesty, some times he worried about people in the NYPD too.

It wasn't the men in her squad room he fretted about. He'd met all of them. He knew they had her back. He knew they respected her – valued her. But he also knew what a lot of First Responders were like – especially police. They could be assholes. He knew it was an Old Boys club and he worried about how they treated her, things they said, how they made her feel. He didn't like to think she had to work with chauvinist pigs who didn't see the kind of person she was and what she brought to the job. Sometimes he almost worried about that more than all the freaks she had to get into the interrogation room with. Though, he worried about that too.

He didn't like to think about her in that room. He knew she excelled at stern and dirty looks with piercing eyes. He'd seen his share. He knew she was insanely quick on her feet in wit and comebacks – that she could snap back commentary and pose tough questions. Hell, she did that to him when they were bickering about a story on the news or even what to put on the fucking grocery list for the week. He knew she knew how to handle herself. That she wouldn't be afraid to get in someone's face and to tell them off. But still, the concept of her having to deal with this constant parade of dysfunctional, perverted men that she encountered? It made him feel physically ill sometimes if he dwelled on it too much. He worried about things they said to her or even how they looked at her and what might be gong through their twisted heads while she was in the room with them.

He knew it was ridiculous on some level. Olivia knew how to take care of herself. She really knew how to take care of herself - she had for years. In all honesty, sometimes when Will stopped to think about what she did, he really felt like a wuss. He knew he couldn't do what she did. The concept of putting his life on the line scared him enough – it just wasn't something he was willing to do. It was something he'd spent his life thinking about, growing up with a father who worked in the fire department and made a career out of running into burning buildings. Will just wasn't made that way. His level of commitment and dedication to people just didn't take that form. He'd help kids in the classroom – but he didn't think he could stand in the face of potential physical harm and still do his job. The thought of it terrified him even. But it wasn't just that with Liv's job. He just knew he couldn't mentally and emotionally handle what she saw day-in and day-out and continue to function. It would break him. Yet she was able to do it.

With her job what it was, sometimes he wondered what she really needed him for. He certainly wasn't her protector. She didn't need protection. At least not physically. She could actually floor him when she wanted to. She'd proven that to him once when he'd decided it would be fun to go with her to the Muay Thai gym where she did some of her classes at. She'd decided it would be fun to take him down – when he'd been trying to act like he knew what he was doing. As he'd laid on the ground in mild shock, looking up at her, almost wondering how the hell he'd ended up down there – he'd realized he really didn't know what he was doing and she really only needed him so much.

He knew she needed him in other ways. She might be the one that would ever deal with an intruder if they had one. But she still accepted his help in other areas – or at least she kind of did or was getting better at allowing herself to accept the help. He was there for her mentally and emotionally – especially in terms of Noah. He was something for her outside of her work. He was a connection to a more normal life for her - a piece in the puzzle of helping her forget. He did have a role in her life, he sometimes had to remind himself. Even if he'd never held a gun in his life and even if he knew that she was likely about a 100x stronger person than him in more ways than he wanted to admit.

She'd moved to the little window by their front door, looking out of it and clearly waiting for her partner to appear in the car – to take her to see God knows what. He knew it wasn't worth asking. She probably wouldn't say – and if she did, than he'd just stew about it all day. She was quiet. She always was as she got into work mode, though, slowly checking herself out of family life and into the other person she was, that he got glimpses of but he sometimes wondered how much of that Olivia he really got to know. How different was she from his Olivia? He knew they were both part of each other, though, and most days that was enough for him.

She glanced at him, and he knew that was signal that Elliot had arrived, so he stepped closer to her, as she pulled open the door. The coldness of the fall morning hit his bare chest as he met her there – but her warmth leaned into him again briefly, as she placed a short kiss on his lips and quickly ran her hand through the hair on the back of his head.

"OK, I'll see you tonight," she told him. "I should still be able to pick him up. I'll call if that changes."

He nodded. "Be safe," he told her.

She gave him a smile and put a small pat on his chest. "Love you," she said, but already had her back turned and was trotting down the few steps of their triplex.

"I love you too," he called a bit, leaning against the jam of the open door, even though he was only in his underwear and he knew Elliot would likely make some sort of comment to her. Or maybe not. He ended up being the one who picked her up regularly enough – rather than her heading to the precinct to get a car – that the other man was likely used to seeing him watch her get into the sedan OK.

It was another ridiculous ritual. She was clearly going out to some sort of crime scene in the middle of the night – yet, he felt he needed to watch her walk the no more than five feet from the bottom of their front steps to the door of a car that had her waiting partner in it. He treated her too much like a woman – his wife - not like a veteran cop. She never really complained to him about it, though, and when she did it was in sarcasm that made him unsure if she wanted him to stop or if she was just teasing at him.

He saw her open the car door, stick her head in and say something to Elliot that he couldn't quite hear from the door of the apartment, and then she gave him a final glance and the faintest nod, before getting in. The door closed and the car moved on down the street.

Will watched it for a moment more and then sighed. He closed the front door, locked it, flicked off the exterior lights and the ones in the foyer too, before trudging back up the stairs and hoping that he'd be able to shut off his worry about her enough that he would be able to get a couple more hours' sleep.


	157. Chapter 157

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"We need a bus," Elliot bellowed behind his shoulder to where John was still catching up to them. He could see him just emerging from the vehicle at the end of the alley.

He looked back to Olivia, and moved her jacket trying to get a better view of the wound he was pressing down on. As he moved the flap of her jacket away and she wheezed out another breath, blood from the bullet hole sputtered and misted into the air. He'd spent enough time on the Force and in the Marines to know that it was a sucking chest wound – and that his partner's lung was likely near collapsing, if it hadn't already, based on how she was struggling to pull air into her lungs.

"You're alright," he told her, trying to grab on to every ounce of his training that told him to keep his emotions and his panic in check. His partner had just been shot. He'd let her get too far ahead of him. She'd been alone – only for a few seconds, but it was enough and now she was laying on the ground, shot and bleeding and looking at him with glassy eyes as shock started to set into her body.

"What's the ETA on EMS? Get them here, NOW!" He bellowed again. He could hear sirens starting to blare closer to them but couldn't tell if it was just more cops arriving on the scene with them or if the EMS teams were arriving.

He glanced at Fin, who was on top of the prep, screaming at him about shooting a police officer, a woman, a mother, their colleague – that he was going to get a needle in his arm for it. Fuck New York's moratorium on capital punishment.

He was being too forceful, though. The guy was cuffed and effectively immobilized, but he was still lifting the scum up and nearly mashing his face back into the concrete. The guy was going to come away from it with bruises and scratches – if not a broken nose, a black eye, and a busted open lip and some cracked or lost teeth. Fin was likely going to get cited for brutality. Still, there was nothing more that Elliot wanted to go over and get a few good kicks or punches in before they got the perp transported. He knew he'd get some more wallops before he ended up in processing – it's just what happened when some idiot shot a cop. But Elliot didn't want to jeopardize this. He didn't want to give his lawyer – if he got a good one – fodder to have him walk. This guy was going to go down.

"Hey, don't mess him up too badly," Elliot called over at Fin, who just lifted him up again by the collar of his coat and then dropped him back to the ground, shoving his elbow into his back. And yelling into his ear some more.

"I didn't see the gun," Liv mumbled again. "There was a second guy. I was distracted by him. I looked up at him. I didn't see the gun."

He nodded again, looking down into her face and trying to hold his hand to keep pressure on the wound but to make sure some of the air was escaping out of it.

"Where was the second guy, Liv?"

She shook her head a bit. "The stairs. He was on those metal stairs and I looked over there … and I didn't see his guy pull his gun." She started coughing, blood coming into her mouth.

He rolled her a bit. "Spit it out, Liv. Don't choke on it."

She gagged more and nearly drooled the blood coming into her mouth into an oozing pool on the hard, damp concrete in the back alley she was sprawled on. While she continued to cough, he tried to examine her side, trying to see if there was any indication that bullet had gone through. He couldn't see an exit wound and he hoped her inside damage wasn't too bad – that she wasn't bleeding even more inside than she was outside. A bullet to the lung was bad enough.

He brought her back down and looked into her eyes more. She definitely was going into shock. She wasn't all there at that point. Though there seemed some element of alertness to her – there wasn't the panic, there wasn't the reaction to the pain and her eyes just didn't seem properly focused. He could see it. He put his free hand up to her pulse at her cartiod artery. Her heart rate felt fast, but he suspected with the blood loss and her difficulty breathing, her blood pressure was falling.

"I didn't see the gun," she mumbled again and he could again see blood in her mouth, as she choked and sputtered a bit more.

"You did good," he assured her. "We've got the guy right here."

Her eyes fluttered a bit – closing for a moment.

"Com'on, Liv," he said, putting his face a bit closer to hers and trying to get her to keep the eye contact. "Com'on. Keep those eyes open. Stay with me. Keep talking to me. EMS is going to be here soon. We're getting you to the hospital. Stay with me."

She looked at him a bit more and started coughing again. This time he pulled his glove out of his pocket and used it to try to sop up some of the blood coming up into her mouth.

"It's my day to pick up Noah from school," she muttered as he pulled the glove away and set it on her chest, in case he needed to get at it again – which he suspected he would.

He nodded. "OK, don't worry about that. Someone's going to pick up Noah. We're going to get a hold of Will."

She shook her head a bit. "No, he's going to be upset. Don't scare Noah," she said her voice getting quieter.

El nodded again. "It's OK. Will's going to want to be with you. We're going to get him to the hospital for you. It's going to be fine. I'll make sure everything's sorted with Noah. Just don't worry about that right now."

"I'm sorry," she sputtered again.

He shook his head. "You did good, Liv. Don't apologize. You got the guy. We're taking him in. You just stay with me, OK?"

John came over with three NYFD EMS guys trailing after him, dragging the gurney rig with them – and they got down on their knees next to her, tossing their gear bags and started working on her.

"What's her name?" The one EMS guy said.

"Olivia," Elliot replied, finally moving his hand away and watching the blood mist from the wound as she again tried to take another breath. "Close-range GSW, right-hand side, from a .22 calibre weapon. It looks like a sucking chest-wound to me."

"OK, Olivia," the guy said. "Can you tell me how you're feeling?"

"It's hard to breath," she said and coughed up some more blood. "I'm dizzy."

The guy nodded, as he took he worked at counting her pulse and then ripped open her shirt. One of the younger paramedics with him was readying a 14 guage needle to insert into her lung. Equipment from their bags were flying everywhere as their hands moved so quickly and expertly, cleaning and disinfecting the area – and then grabbing a scalpel.

"This is going to hurt," he warned her.

She gritted her teeth and let out a near growl as the incision was made and they then threaded the endotrachel tube in. Elliot was still kneeling near her head, keeping the eye contact and brushing her hair away from her forehead. She was looking at him with glassy, unfocused eyes and he was trying to return reassuring looks – telling her she'd be OK without saying it. He heard almost a gush of air as the tube got into place and her chest rose and fell more deeply, as she took some breaths that seemed less laboured.

"Can you feel everything?" the older EMS guy asked again, as the other continued to fuss at her wounded side. "Your hands, feet?"

She sort of nodded. "Yeah."

"Move them for me."

She did.

"OK, let's move her," he near barked at the two kids with him, who nodded and grabbed the spine board. They got it positioned near her, one moving to hold her neck and head in place and gesturing for Elliot to move. They kept her steady and then log-rolled her onto the board. Elliot saw the one guy examine her back as well, rubbing his hands there and clearly looking again for an exit wound or any other deformities from her injuries. Visually, Elliot still couldn't see any and the guy didn't make any moves to suggest he did either. They quickly started strapping her down, immobilizing her against the possibility that their might be a spinal injury, though it didn't appear she had one. One of the younger guys then dragged the gurney over and they quickly lifted her up onto it. One EMS kept the pressure on the wound while the other two started pushing it back towards the ambulance.

Elliot followed after them. "I'm riding," he nodded at John, who'd been standing there with stress nearly pouring off him and watching.

"I called Cragen. He's going to notify," John finally spoke.

"She said there was a second guy – on the stairs – while you're securing the scene," he called again as he rushed down the alley. "Look for the bullet – but I think it's lodged."

"Where are they taking her?" John called.

"Mercy."

As Elliot got to the bus and they already had her inside. The one younger EMS was in the back and already had an oxygen mask over her face and a blanket around her to try to keep her warm as her body struggled against shock. He was working at getting her hooked her up to an IV with what appeared to be a saline solution in it.

But Elliot grabbed the older guy's arm as he closed the door on the one side. "Do you know Tom McTeague?"

The guy looked at him for a moment. "The Lieu at 36th?"

El nodded. "She's not just a cop. She's his sister-in-law. We're getting here in and through this. Clear?"

The guy looked at him for a moment – and then nodded with a seriousness to his eyes, even more so than before. "Riding?"

El stepped inside and sat down at her side as the guy got in too and closed the second door with him. He looked at her – her eyes looked heavier like she was hardly keeping them open at that point.

"We're going to get you taken care of," Elliot told her.


	158. Chapter 158

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Don Cragen rapped his knuckles on the door frame of open university office that had William McTeague's name labeled next to it. The office looked unoccupied – but he still felt he should knock, while he gazed inside.

Even from the door, the cramped space looked like it was overflowing. Cragen knew what a messy office looked like. His certainly wasn't kept immaculately clean. None of his detectives particularly excelled at keeping overly tidy workspaces either. He supposed it just wasn't a priority most of the time with everything else they had to deal with. But Will's office looked like he took disarray to a whole new level.

He could see file folders piled up so high they looked like they were about to topple off the battered, big oak desk in there. Books and textbooks were piled on the desk too, rather than the bookshelves off against the one wall. They were piled even higher on top of the filing cabinets, most of which had drawers that were left pulled open. A shelving unit was sitting above the desk and it was lined with what looked like toys: action figures, Lego models, Rubik's cubes over various shapes and sizes – even one that was covered in numbers, Buckyballs, a vast collection of wooden and metal brain teasers and what looked like bits and pieces from various board games – including a Bridge board. He wondered how much of it was Will's versus entertainment he kept on hand for Olivia's small son. Though, much of it looked a little advanced for the boy.

"Y-ello," a voice called from inside, and Cragen took it as invitation to step further in the door. He had to glance around the piles of chaos to spot a young man, who couldn't have been much older than maybe 20, sitting off at another cluttered little work station in the corner of the office, which now that he was inside it, he had to admit there was a bit of a cozy aspect to.

"I'm looking for Will McTeague," he told the young man, while still glancing around the space. His eyes fell onto a picture frame on Will's desk. A space amongst the clutter was cleared almost to highlight it and protect it on the desk. Cragen couldn't help but step over and pick it up, examining it more closely.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly where the picture had been taken – but based on the size and health of Noah in it, Cragen could tell it was fairly recent, within the last several months. Olivia was clutching her son against her and she had a smile painted across her face like he'd only rarely seen on her. It literally spanned from cheek to cheek and she sincerely looked happy. Her little boy too had a smile – so much like his detective's – and his eyes looked alive, not so sad and tired like he sometimes saw on the child anymore. They were both looking directly at the photographer and the camera. Will wasn't. Will had his one arm around Olivia's shoulder and was gazing at her – and he supposed Noah – with the looks of a man completely enamoured; clearly relaxed and happy – and in love. They were clearly a family too. The photo was unquestionably meant to have captured some sort of family moment for the three of them, even though he couldn't tell quite what, perhaps other than happiness. He supposed for Olivia anymore it wasn't big moments that needed to be marked. Every day she still had her son likely warranted some type of celebration.

"Ah, Prof. McTeague is in a lecture right now," the kid had said, watching him handle the other man's photograph carefully. "I'm one of his teaching assistants. Is there something I can help you with?"

Cragen shook his head and returned the frame to its place on the desk. "It's important that I speak with him now. What classroom is he in?"

"Ah, he doesn't really like his lectures to be … interrupted," the kid had offered cautiously.

Cragen examined the kid for a moment. "I don't think he's going to mind in this case," he said.

"Ahhh…." the kid said, clearly still thinking about it and not wanting to be the one that might be the cause of the interruption.

"I'm Capt. Don Cragen with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. I'm his wife's boss," he said, gesturing back to the framed photo. "It's about Olivia and I need to speak with him immediately. You can direct me to his classroom or you can direct me to the departmental head's office – now."

The kid looked at him again. "Is she OK?" he said with some concern in his voice.

"I need to speak to Prof. McTeague immediately," he stressed again.

The kid considered it for a moment but then stood. "Ahh, I'll take you. He's in the next building – Tisch Hall."

They walked quickly but in silence – the kid occasionally glancing at him sideways. He got the sense that the kid wanted to ask him more but was trying to mind his own business.

Cragen hadn't had the chance to get to know Will too well. The reality was that he really only got to know the spouses and children of his detectives as much as they let him – or when things came up that meant he got glimpses into their personal lives. Olivia did a good job at keeping her personal life as private as possible. Though, some of those walls had tumbled a bit during her son's illness. Maybe not so much tumbled, as they'd become a bit more transparent, not out of her own prerogative.

Will wasn't an unfamiliar face, though. He was a face he'd come to know in his precinct over the years. Initially as just a man who would breeze in and out, carrying Olivia's then toddler son to drop him off near the end of the work day other times to occasionally retrieve him and whisk the child away after his detective got stuck on a case late.

Slowly, he became a name he'd hear in passing as he called through the squad room and overheard bits of telephone conversation and office chatter. "Will". It became a name attached to Olivia. And then more slowly, it was a name that she spoke to him herself – when he'd have the opportunity to get in a casual conversation with her about the weekend or how her son was doing. "Will" always seemed to be included in the picture.

Though there had never been any reference to him as her boyfriend. There hadn't been any reference to him as her finance, even though Cragen had seen the ring appear around her neck and then migrate to her finger. He wouldn't have even known about their marriage, officially, if Olivia hadn't approached him and closed the door, telling him she needed to update some of her paperwork and asking for his advice on any implications it might have for her compassionate care agreement and her rights under the Family and Medical Leave Act. He'd appreciated her approaching him and giving him the notification – but had still had to refer most of her needs to HR and recommend that she speak with her union rep on the rest of it.

He'd really only got any real glimpses of the man Will was during the visits he'd made to see Olivia's son every time the boy was hospitalized. Will was a near constant presence when he made the trips in to see the sick little boy. He was there to see Noah but he also carefully observed the interactions between Will and Olivia – and measured the man who was with his detective.

It was clear in some ways that Will was Olivia's junior. There was something about him that seemed young – or perhaps just not quite as jaded as most of the young men that Cragen dealt with in his line of work. But there was still a bit of a cloud that seemed to hang over Will. It wasn't until he'd heard on the rumour mill – which he usually despised but was almost unavoidable – that Olivia's Will was a McTeague, as in Ted McTeague, who had been a major player in the firefighters' union negotiation of the WTC disability package.

It seemed to be common knowledge that two of the McTeague boys had worked in the rescue, recovery and clean-up at the site, while the youngest boy had lost a wife in the Towers. Not that Olivia had ever mentioned anything to him to even acknowledge that her Will was part of a family that was so established with in the NYC First Responder community – let alone to suggest that the man she was with had experienced such a tragedy. But he credited the shadow he saw over Will to that, and perhaps the glints of seriousness and maturity he saw there, despite the youngness that still seemed to permeate him too.

What he had really noticed about Will though was his gentleness with his detective and her son. The man was clearly in their corner at the hospital. There were some visits where the man looked about as broken and tired as Olivia – but his voice was always even and clear. He was always looking at the detective with concern and a kindness. He'd near instantly react to anything she said or requested and would give her small and casual touches that she seemed to accept without even thinking, let alone recoiling in anyway. Her little boy, too, would seek the affection and support from the man. He'd seen Noah reach out for Will almost as much as he would for his mother. He also hadn't been oblivious to the fact that in recent visits the boy more regularly uttered 'Daddy' than he did 'Will'. And, with each time he saw the man interact with the child, the more obvious his patience for the child and the caring and love that was behind it became.

But really the fact that Olivia had allowed the man into her child's life had told him more than he needed to know about what kind of man his detective perceived him as and how important the relationship was to her. He knew his detective was fiercely protective of her son – and she was cautious with who was allowed to have any kind of interactions with the boy. She wouldn't have people waltzing in and out of his life – and refused to set him up to be hurt. Her allowing Will to be a part of Noah's life said a lot – possibly more than any actions that Cragen might be able to observe in their limited interaction.

Still, in the limited interactions he had had with the man, he thought Will came across as the kind of man he'd likely want his daughter to be with, if he had one. Stable, caring, supportive, gentle, articulate, intelligent and deeply respectful of the woman. More than that, he could see that Olivia was happy with the man. He'd seen changes and growth in her since she'd been with the man. An added calmness that came from having that support and love at home. He'd see her little smiles and the changes in her voice and body language when he caught her while she was having a short telephone conversation with the man. She was happy and in love – and Cragen was happy that she'd finally been able to find that and that she also had that for her little boy. But how he had to go and tell this man – who he suspected had a very gentle heart – that the woman he loved at been shot, was in hospital and they really didn't know how she was doing yet or what the outcome would be.

The kid had led them to a large lecture hall. Through the window of the door, he could see the rows upon rows of seats going up steps in auditorium-style seating that looked near full. As the kid pushed the door open, Will came into view, down to the left from them on the opposite side of the room from where the entrance was, in front of a chalkboard. He was writing some sort of equation at near break-neck speed. So fast, in fact, that the piece of chalk he was working with broke and he snagged another one from the sill – not even looking at them yet, though he must've heard the door open and must've been able to see them out of the corner of his eye.

Cragen was really almost surprised that chalkboards still existed and would be used at a place like the Courant Institute. Cragen had never been oblivious to the fact that Olivia's Will was some sort of 'beautiful mind' in terms of the math scene in the city, if not the country. The extent of Will's intelligence was actually something she did mention enough, though casually, it was clear it was something she was proud of in the man, if not clearly attracted to.

Will finished scribbling whatever it was that he was working on for his students and lifted the chalkboard, sending it flying upward on the rigging system, revealing a fresh board for himself to start working on now. He started pounding away on it in his continued messy strokes of numbers and arrows and math jargon that made little sense to Cragen.

"Now, my illustrious first-year students," he spoke loudly to the mob of students sitting in the auditorium, his back still turned to them, "take note of this – especially if you think you're going to be continuing in the Math Programme and will be taking my courses. Get out that list of things I don't tolerate in my classroom.

"Review: You don't come to my classes drunk or hung-over," he said, still writing. "You don't arrive tardily. You don't have cell phones ringing. You don't chat. You don't text. You don't play Angry Birds. And, here's the new one for you: You don't interrupt my lectures. Isn't that right, Mr. Grace?"

He still hadn't looked at them – but the kid Cragen was standing with started to sputter.

"Ah, ah, Prof. McTeague, this man said he needed to speak with you urgently," the kid finally managed to get out, but Will still seemed absorbed in his work at the board.

"Will," Cragen finally interjected, stepping more out from behind the kid and hopefully into the man's line of sight. "I need to speak with you."

The man still hadn't looked at him – but his movements on the chalkboard stilled, his hand hanging above his head, as he looked at the board, clearly having recognized Cragen's voice.

"He, he, he said it was about your wife," the kid sputtered, almost like he was still trying to defend himself from the potentiality of pending wrath for the classroom interruption.

Will glanced over at them, bringing his hand down finally and shakily setting the piece of white chalk back on the sill. He met Cragen's eyes, and the captain tried to give him a soft and reassuring look – but he could see the fear and concern already creasing over the younger man's face.

"Olivia?" He said almost too quietly.

Cragen nodded. "We need to speak. Privately."

Will nodded back and rubbed his face, causing chalk dust to smear there – across his forehead and on the bridge of his nose, where the professor had pinched in thought for a second. He looked down and shook his head – like he was trying to process and trying not to panic. "Ah, OK," he finally said.

He looked up and gestured at an older-looking student sitting in the front row to come up to the front. Cragen saw him speaking to the student in hushed tones and then, the student moved to a computer that was set up there and looked over it.

"Mr. Gahlot is going to finish today's lecture," Will announced to the class. "Please show him the same respect, that I expect out of you. And, don't think that because I'm leaving means you don't have to hand in your assignments before the end of class." He pointed to the upper chalkboard. "Extra points for anyone that is able to solve that equation. You can leave your answers with Mr. Gahlot and the rest of your TAs. Thank you."

He gathered a couple things, tossing them into a messenger bag and then walked over to the door that Cragen and the kid had come in. They followed him out. The kid still stood there expectantly, to the point that Will nodded at him.

"Thank you, Chris," he said softly. "You can get back to your work. Please lock my office when you leave – and if you could let Nina know that I won't be around in the afternoon either, I doubt." He looked at Cragen, who avoided giving a reaction, even though he knew that assertion was likely correct.

"If you could put a note on the door, indicating my office hours for the day are cancelled too," Will added.

The kid nodded and started to walk down the hallway, still glancing back at them repeatedly as he went.

"Is she OK?" Will finally asked as the kid got out of earshot.

Cragen gave him a sad look and shook his head. "I have a car. I'm going to take you over to the hospital."

Will made an audible sigh and examined the floor, running his hand through his hair. "What happened?" he got out eventually.

"She's been shot, Will," he told him.

His head shot up at that. His eyes looked a little glassy and there was a real fear in them. "Where?"

"It's a chest wound," he told him.

"But she's going to be OK?"

Cragen touched his elbow. "We don't know yet, son. They were taking her over to the hospital when I left to come and get you. I haven't heard anything more yet. I'd assume they are likely working at getting her stabilized and into surgery. But we need to get you over to Mercy."

Will looked at him a moment and then slouched against the wall they were standing next to, resting his forehead against it and made a sound that Cragen couldn't place – anger, sadness, fear. Agony was likely most accurate, though.

"Com'on, son, let's get you over to the hospital," he tried again.

Will stood straighter and looked back at him. There weren't tears in the man's eyes, Cragen observed. He looked wounded but he was holding it together. Will nodded in recognition and want – so Cragen just pointed down the hallway and started to direct the younger man towards where he left the squad car. He knew it would be a long walk to the vehicle and an even longer drive to the hospital.


	159. Chapter 159

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Cragen had hardly gotten Will into the car before his phone had rung. It hadn't taken much eavesdropping for the captain to determine it was the man's parents. The conversation that was taking place, though, seemed to agitating Will more than the actual news that Olivia was hurt. The man had slumped himself against the vehicle's door and kept pinching at the bridge of his nose, his eyes squeezed shut as he spoke.

"Well, Mom, it sounds like Tom has a whole lot more information than me right now, so maybe you should get back on the phone with him," he'd said into the phone with a clear edge of annoyance and anger to his voice. "NO, I ABSOLUTELY don't want you to bring Noah to the hospital. Because it would be upsetting for him, Mother. Well, you're UPSETTING ME. NO I HAVEN'T BEEN TOLD THAT YET. Look, would you just put Dad on the phone. Because I want to speak to Dad. Mom, give Dad the phone."

There was a long pause and Cragen glanced at the man. He still had his eyes shut though and his head slumped forward. Maybe he was hoping if he kept his eyes shut long enough that when he opened them, it would all be a bad dream and it wouldn't really be happening.

"Hey. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm with her captain. Cragen. No, all I've been told so far is that it's a chest wound and she's been taken to hospital. He hasn't told me that, Dad. Well, he said that that's all the information he'd been given. Dad – both of you can take that up with Tom then. Just … drop it. Please.

"Yeah, they've got someone in custody. I don't know, Dad. Because I'm kind of more interested in if she's going to be OK than the police work aspect of it right now.

"I don't know. I assume surgery. Mercy. No I don't want you to bring him to the hospital. How does that seem like a good idea to either of you? He spends enough time in the fucking hospital. I can't have him hanging around the fucking hospital anyways – even if I thought that was a good idea, which I absolutely don't.

"Look, can you pick him up at school for me. Yeah, I'll call them – make arrangements. Don't take Mom unless she pulls herself together. And don't say anything to him. Because he shouldn't hear it from you guys. Well make up some sort of excuse. I don't know. That you wanted to see him. That we went out on a date. I don't care. Then lie to him. I'll talk to him when I get home.

"No. I want you to take him home. No I don't want you to take him to your place. Because that will be even more confusing and scary for him. He should be sleeping in his own bed tonight.

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Yeah. I'll call you when I know more. No. No. Well tell Tom that I don't need him to come over. Because I don't fucking need his support right now. Just … don't. OK. OK. Bye."

Cragen heard the man give out a long, heavy and very audible sigh and glanced his way again. He'd opened his eyes, though his temple was still resting against his window, as he gazed out of it – almost looking like he was looking more into the side-view mirror than anything outside.

"Your family had already heard?" He asked the younger man.

Will made a small nod. "I get it. Officer down. Everyone knows."

Cragen nodded. It was true. When they got to the hospital there would be even more cops and FDNY EMS EMTs and paramedics loitering around and abuzz. He'd tried to get them cleared away from Will as quickly as possible. It was pretty clear he didn't want them bothering him. Or anyone else for that matter. They all should be boots-on-the-ground anyways.

Cragen had John heading up getting the scene secured and the investigation organized at the moment. But he wanted to be able to get back to the precinct to get things co-ordinated on his own as soon as possible and to see the man who'd done this too – for himself. He wasn't going to do that until he checked in on Olivia, though, and made sure she was stable and that people were there with her.

"Your family has dealt with things like this before?" Cragen asked.

Will gave a small shrug. "I guess, sort of. Smoke inhalation. My brother had a beam fall him once and was trapped for a while until they could get him out. Broken leg. But … nothing like … this."

Cragen examined him carefully but didn't offer comment and put his attention back to getting to the hospital. The blocks were just seeming so long.

"They said they'd heard that she was shot in the lung," Will said quietly and rather suddenly. "That her lung's collapsed and pooling blood. That all of that can be really serious."

Cragen glanced at him again and reached over to offer a pat on his knee. "My detective told me that it was a sucking chest wound – that doesn't necessarily mean it was through the lung, Will. I just think it's important we get you to the hospital as quickly as possible. We'll be there soon. The doctors will be taking good care of her."

The man hadn't given any response, so they made the rest of the trip in silence.

Whenever Cragen glanced over at the man, his eyes just had this grayness to them that looked so cold and hurt. The captain was almost concerned that he still seemed so quiet and pulled together about it at this point. He seemed more like a seasoned cop's spouse – who'd seen their share of injuries in their husband and kept up the front of calmness and the mantra that it was all part of the job, no matter how scared they actually were. Something about Will's quietness, though, made Cragen feel that the man was a ticking time bomb of emotions. He didn't think they were going to even be able to consider leaving him alone until Olivia was out of the woods.

They wouldn't leave one of their own alone anyways – but this was different. This was Olivia – one of his detectives. She had so much happening in her life right now. Despite the sadness in her life, there was joy happening too. Now there was this burden – that he was praying would work out as just a bad scar and a bad memory. Still, he couldn't leave her husband and young son to handle this on their own either – not until the whole Blue Line knew she was going to be OK. Not until he was sure Olivia was going to be OK.


	160. Chapter 160

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will was walking through the hospital like a person who was overly familiar with them. He didn't seem intimidated by what was around him at all – though he did appear to be on a mission, Cragen observed.

The hallways they were in didn't seem that calm. In fact, the closer they got to where they were headed, the more congested they seemed to become with unis and FDNY officers, in addition the doctors and nurses trying to do their jobs. But it was Elliot who spotted them first and came over to gather them and give them an update. Will didn't give him a chance, though.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

Elliot stopped them, holding a hand to Will's chest. "She's in surgery. They got her stabilized and they took her in right away. They've been in there about 45 minutes at this point. The docs said it's going to be hours. They need to get out the bullet, deal with any extra damage it did to any of her organs, repair her lung and drain some of the fluid there. They said they are likely going to have to remove a lobe of her right lung given the location of the puncture."

Will glared at him. "You aren't a fucking doctor," he growled. "Where the hell is one of her doctors?"

The man glanced around him. Cragen was surprised by the anger that was finally emerging from Will, the hostility he was showing to Elliot. The tone he was using and the level of his voice had attracted further attention and some of the other people in the hall were looking their way now. Will didn't seem to notice, though, and had stormed over to the nursing station.

"Olivia Benson," he demanded at the middle-aged black woman sitting behind the desk. "I want to speak to her doctor now. I want an update on her condition."

The nurse looked at him almost surprised. "The NYPD officer?" She said questioningly. "She's in the operating room, right now, sir. Her surgeon will be out to advise on her condition after the surgery is over."

"I want to know her condition now," Will said louder, bringing his fist up and clenching it on the countertop.

Cragen put his hand on his shoulder. "Son…" Will jerked away.

"I'm her husband," he near screamed at the nurse. "I want to see her. I want to talk to her doctor."

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you calm down and that you take a seat in the waiting room. The surgeon will be in to see you as soon as possible."

Will did slam his fist on the counter then. "I want to see her fucking chart and I want you to get a fucking doctor out here – now."

Elliot reached for his shoulder then. "OK, Will, let's just …"

Will pulled away from him hard and spun around. "Don't fucking touch me," he demanded and glared at Cragen's other detective.

Elliot dropped his hand. "Will, she's with the surgeons right now, let's just go and …"

"Don't fucking tell me what to do," Will screamed at him.

"Will," Elliot said again, and again lifted his hand to the other man's arm.

Will lifted his hands and shoved Elliot in the chest. The detective wasn't expecting it at all and stumbled back a step – looking at the slimmer man with a moment of shock.

"What didn't you understand when I said don't touch me," Will yelled, stepping closer to him and getting into his space.

Cragen stepped forward and put his forearm against Will's chest, wrapping his hand around the man's shoulder and trying to pull him back and away from Elliot, who he saw tensing, his jaw clenching and a vein in his temple starting to become more prominent.

"Son, let's just get you set up in the waiting room …", Cragen said.

Will pushed against his arm more, getting closer to Elliot. His eyes were angry, but growing glassier by the second.

"Where the fuck were you anyways?" Will demanded of the man. "You're supposed to be watching out for her. Protecting her. Where the fuck were you in all of this, Tough Guy?"

Elliot glared at him. "She got ahead of me. I was right behind her. She was doing her job."

"Yeah, well, maybe you should do yours," Will shot back, clenching his teeth and pushing against Cragen's arm, as he continued to try to pull him away from the other detective, who was clearly trying to restrain himself from making a bigger scene in the hospital and having a physical altercation with his partner's spouse.

"I did my job, Will," Elliot said calmly, though it syllables that were nearly spit out between gritted teeth. "She did hers."

Will brought up a finger and pointed at Elliot – his eyes growing wider and sadder.

"You didn't do your job. She wouldn't be fucking in here if you did your fucking job." Tears started to trickle slowly down his face. "If she's not alright … if she's not alright …"

Elliot softened and brought up his hand, putting one against the back of Will's head and the other around his back to his shoulder – pulling him into a tense, but manly and supportive embrace. Cragen let his arm come down from holding them apart but still stood in observation, making sure the anger had really diffused.

"She's going to be alright," Elliot told the other man, though it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. "She's going to be alright."


	161. Chapter 161

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot looked over at Will again. He'd been sitting in the waiting room hunched over with the heels of his hands pushed into his eyes for nearly two hours now. Based on the breathing he'd observed, he suspected there'd been tears – but he'd given Will space based on their encounter earlier. He wasn't really sure what the man wanted or needed from him. He knew their relationship was strained and complicated.

As much as Olivia had expressed to him that Will was scared of him – he got the sense that Will had some extent of distaste for him. He could kind of appreciate that. Kathy had showed enough insecurities about his partnership with Olivia for him to understand where it was coming from. His wife still did in a lot of ways. Though she'd settled more into accepting it as a sexless "office spouse" relationship – a cop partnership. She'd prefer he had a male partner but she'd slowly – and reluctantly - settled into accepting his partnership for what it was – a partnership, a friendship, a bond that maybe only other cops could fully understand. Still, he knew she experienced some bitterness that he talked to Liv about things that he'd never talk to her about – things about work, cases, things they saw, how it ate at him, feelings. He protected his family from his work. He knew Olivia did the same. It created tension in relationships when spouses knew that that part of their partner's existence was being sheltered from them but shared so intimately with another person.

Cragen had waited around for more than an hour – making sure that Will and Elliot weren't going to bring embarrassment to themselves, the NYPD or probably more importantly, Olivia. He'd also clearly been hoping that the surgery would wrap and he could get an update on her condition. But after Will had calmed into his cocoon of silence in the waiting room and it had become even clearer that it was going to be hours before anyone told them anything, the captain had left to return to the precinct to do his job, stating that he'd be back after he took care of some co-ordination and phone calls there.

Part of Elliot had wanted to get out of the hospital and back on the case and crushing the people who'd done this to Olivia. But Cragen had insisted he stay with his partner and with Will. He was too close to the case now anyways to work it and he needed the mandatory psych eval before getting back out on the street too after the shooting of his partner.

Liv had been on the table for more than four hours at that point. Will had long ago stopped making any sort of eye contact with him – or even looking at the television or magazines in the waiting room or fiddling with his phone. He brushed off anyone else – medical professionals or unis that came in to check on them. Elliot could only imagine what was going through his head. He suspected it was swinging between anger at him and fear for Liv. He hoped there was some healthy rage towards the man who'd actually pulled the trigger, though.

Elliot couldn't stop running the events of the morning through his own head either. She'd just gotten ahead of him. That really happened so rarely when they were in a pursuit. He was faster than her. He had longer legs than her. He usually had more sensible boots on than her. It should've been him who was out-front. It should've been him who was apprehending the guy. It should've been him who'd taken the bullet. He kept telling himself that Olivia was doing her job. But he still couldn't shake it.

He'd just turned the corner to come down the alley when he'd heard the gun go off. Initially, he thought it'd missed or maybe Olivia had fired at him. Because what he'd seen was Liv throwing herself on top of the guy and wrestling him to the ground – batting the gun away and staying there, struggling with the perp until him and Fin had gotten down there within seconds. She'd then rolled off of the guy and just looked at him with these eyes of near terror and mumbled that she was hit.

She didn't have to say it. There was blood everywhere. All over the suspect - her front was already soaked through. First aid training had just kicked in for Elliot after only a moment of gaping at her. But with each passing second, he'd become more and more scared for her. The whole period from getting to her in the alley to them wheeling her out of his sight in the hospital – her gurney surrounded by barking medical professionals - it all just seemed like a giant blur. When he'd finally settled he'd realized he was covered in her blood. Thankfully they'd given him some hospital scrubs to change into before Cragen had arrived with Will or else he suspected the man's agitation would've increased about 10-fold.

Liv didn't need this right now. He wished it was him in there. He wouldn't forgive himself if she didn't pull through this mostly unscathed. He wasn't sure how he was going to even be able to shake it if she did get through alright. He'd failed her. And, all he could keep thinking about was her son and how much he needed her right now. And now that little boy's mother was laying in an operating room – and he had no idea if they were going to be able to tell Noah his mom was going to be OK. It was killing him. He knew it wasn't his fault. He hadn't pulled the trigger. But he still felt like he should've been the one who was there – not Olivia.

"How you doing over there?" Elliot had finally asked Will.

The man slowly turned his face towards him – pushing his heels hard into his eye sockets one last time before he did. His eyes looked blood shot. He seemed to examine Elliot for an eternity. It was a gaze so penetrating that Elliot actually started to feel rather uncomfortable under it – and he was used to being stared down, or being the one doing the staring.

"You know I was married before," Will said quietly, as more of a statement than a question, but Elliot still gave a small nod. "It was the anniversary of … last week. Right now … I feel … I feel like I'm watching those Towers smoking again and just … not knowing … I feel like I'm just watching all that black smoke again …"

Elliot sighed and moved to the seat next to Will. He put his hand on his shoulder. Will didn't jerk away.

"I've seen other people get these types of injuries, Will," he told him. "They've pulled through."

"They've had her in there a long time. They aren't telling us anything."

Elliot nodded again and gripped his shoulder a bit tighter. "It's major surgery. But I think she's going to be OK. She's in good hands."

Will shook his head and examined the ground more. "This isn't supposed to be happening," he nearly whispered.

Elliot squeezed his shoulder even tighter. "She's going to be alright."

"And what if she's not? What do I tell Noah? What am I going to tell Noah tonight anyways?" His voice cracked a bit.

"I can come with you to help talk to him, if you want," Elliot offered. "I'm sure the captain would be willing to as well."

Will just shook his head and kept looking at the ground. Elliot patted his shoulder a couple more times and watched him. The minutes ticked passed as silence hung over them again. He now worried more about what was going through Will's head and what sort of horror or agony he was playing through his psyche – watching those Towers burn and fall and thinking that the same thing was going to happen to Olivia, that he was going to have to go through it all over again, that he was going to lose someone so important to him again, and that this time he'd have a little boy he'd have to explain it all to.

And how do you explain that? Elliot had never really figured out how to talk about any of it with his kids. He'd seen the tears in all of his kids when there'd been the predictable fear that their father might get hurt – as they grew older and realized that being a police officer meant dealing with bad guys who did bad things and their Daddy might get injured or killed. There'd been the tears and the fear too when he did get hurt. Them asking him to do something else. Them asking what would happen if he got killed. These little kids talking about death. It stuck with you.

He'd been shot before – more than once. But never anything like this. He'd avoided major injury – and major surgery. He'd been lucky. Olivia hadn't been and now she had a little boy at home, and a spouse that had to hold it all together and explain it all to a child. He knew Olivia would be stuck with a scared little boy, asking her lots of questions and expressing a lot of fears when she hopefully got home too.

He knew it was all part of the job – but he still wished this wasn't something she would've had to experience in her career. She didn't need to add this to her resume. She didn't need to add this to her life. Her family was looking down the barrel of death enough right now. Noah didn't need to realize his mother's – his protector's – own mortality. He was a six-year-old already aware of his own. That was too much of a burden as it was.

"Olivia Benson's family?" A doctor asked from the door and Will's head shot up near instantly. His eyes were glassy again.

The doctor gave a nod and came in, shutting the door. The room had been dedicated to them – Will and the rest of the NYPD and other First Responders who were still milling around and checking in. But Will's body language had scared most people from the room – beyond sticking their heads in to see if they could grab them a coffee or some food from the cafeteria or a chocolate bar from the vending machine or if they could call someone for Will. But the answer had always just come in a silent shaken head. It had ended up being just Elliot who apparently was brave enough to sit in the room with this man who appeared near broken, and to try to offer him some sort of support and comfort. The reality was, though, that Elliot was really just trying to hold it together himself too.

"How is she?" Will asked the doctor, as he took a seat in one of the chairs across from them, placing his elbows on his knees as well and wringing his surgical hat in his hands still.

He nodded and offered Will a small smile. "She got through the surgery OK. She's stable right now. She's not completely out of the woods yet, but she should hopefully make a complete recovery – with time."

Will had made a sound – similar to the gush of air Elliot had heard escape Olivia's lungs when they'd inserted that needle and tubing in the alley. He squeezed the man's shoulder again.

"The bullet was imbedded in her lung – it captured it," the surgeon offered. "That's good news in that none of her other organs were hit or damaged with the bullet moving. But it does mean that it caused significant damage to her right lung. We had to remove her lower lobe. So she's going to have decreased lung capacity. She's going to have to undergo some respiratory therapy and rehabilitation as part of her recovery.

"We repaired the puncture wound, as well. But the whole lung collapsed. So that recovery is going to take a while. We are still working at removing the fluid from the area and re-inflating the lung. It will take a while and then it will take a while to heal. We did some of the work bronchially, but we did have to make some incisions in her side to reach the bullet without causing further damage."

"But she's going to be OK?" Will asked, the concern ringing in his voice.

The doctor nodded. "She's in a recovery ward right now – and we're going to move her into ICU from there. She needs some monitoring – especially tonight. The next 36 hours or so, really. There could still be complications. The lung could collapse again. Pneumonia is common following these procedures and is further complicated because of the decreased lung capacity and trauma there. And, she did lose a lot of blood."

"Can I see her?" Will asked – there was some hope but also still an edge of panic in his voice.

He allowed a small nod again. "In a while. The nurses and her anesthesiologist are going to get her settled and stabilized again in the recovery ward. After that, we allow a five-minute visit from one of her family members. You'll be able to see her again, stay with her longer, after we've got her established in ICU."

"So she'll be awake then?"

"Mr. Benson …"

Will shook his head. "McTeague. Just Will … just Will."

"OK, Will, I need you to be aware that we're going to keep her on a ventilator at least overnight. She needs a lot of help with her breathing right now. So she has a tube through her throat and into her lungs right now. She's not going to be able to talk. Even as she comes out of the anesthesia, we're going to be keeping her heavily sedated to ensure she's as comfortable as possible. So she may appear awake – but she's not likely to remember anything. She'll likely have very little response or reaction to you being there."

Will rubbed his temple with his one hand. "So she can't breath on her own right now?"

"No, it's not that at all," the doctor said, shaking his head quickly. "She is absolutely breathing on her own. But it's hard on her body right now. She just needs the extra help."

"How long will she be on the ventilator?"

"We don't like to keep people with these kinds of lung injuries on them too long," the doctor offered. "We'll see how she's doing in the morning and make a firmer decision then. But when you're in with her, you are also going to see a tube inserted into her side, through her second and third ribs. It's attached to a suction device and what we're doing is removing the blood and other fluids that are pooled in the area and between her chest cavity. It's also removing the surplus air, which is going to help re-inflate her lung. That whole process can take several days – sometimes up to a week. We're giving her a blood transfusion as well, and we've got her on some pain narcotics and antibiotics too."

"So how long is she going to be in the hospital for then?" Will asked.

The doctor shrugged. "It's really hard to say right now, Will. Like I said, she's not entirely out of the woods yet. The next 36 hours are going to be crucial in determining how her lung is doing and ensuring she stays stabilized. Assuming the lung doesn't collapse again and we don't see any other signs of internal bleeding, hopefully we'll have her out of ICU within the next 36-48 hours. But then she's still going to need time to get that lung re-inflated and the surplus fluids out of there – and for us to start the respiratory rehabilitation – not to mention we're going to want to monitor for the pneumonia. Because of the need for the ventilator and the chest tube, and the immobilization that causes, there's also an increased risk of deep venous thrombosis and pulmonary embolus. So we want to monitor for that as well. In a best case scenario, she's probably going to be in here for at least seven to 10 days."

"We have a son. Will he be able to see her?"

The doctor nodded. "After she's out of ICU and moved to her own room."

"What about her job? Is she going to be able to go back to work?"

The doctor sighed. "Well, you're going to have a bit of a battery of doctors working with her during her stay now – that will likely be able to provide better answers on that question than me. And, ultimately, I believe it will be the NYPD's doctors that make that decision. But, generally speaking, yes, eventually."

"How eventually?"

The doctor clasped his hands tight and thought about it. "Generally, in a complete best case scenario, I'd say after she gets out of the hospital, she's likely looking at about a month of home rest and follow-up visits. After that, she could probably start back part-time and would likely be looking at desk-duty for at least three or four months. Generally speaking, after that she should have basically made a complete recovery – physically. I'm sure there's going to be a mental aspect that both her and the NYPD will have to address. But, again, we did have to remove part of her lung – there is always going to be a decreased capacity because of that and generally there's always some residual effects from gunshot wounds – aches, etcetera."

Will sighed a bit and nodded. Elliot squeezed his shoulder again.

"OK. Well, if you don't have anymore questions …? A nurse come and get you so you can sit with her for a few minutes in a while. It will still likely be an hour or so before that happens."

Will nodded again and the surgeon slowly stood and left, leaving the door open. Elliot could see some of the Blue Line that was still there to offer support looking in, and he tried to give a small nod and thin smile as reassurance that their colleague – unknown to most of them but still part of the Brothers in Blue family – was OK for the moment.

He squeezed Will's shoulder and gave him a pat on the back of the head, that he again had hunched over and looking at the ground, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, like he was trying to ward off a nose bleed.

"She's going to be OK," Elliot told him.

Will gave a small nod but it still seemed unsure.

"She got through surgery," Elliot tried again. "That's a major step."

Will nodded again. "But she still has to pull through the night," he mumbled.


	162. Chapter 162

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will sat up straighter as he saw Olivia stir – and then shot forward and gripped her hand as she made a bit of a gagging movement.

"Hey," he told her and smiled, as she tilted her head just slightly towards him under heavy eyes. "Hey, Liv. It's Will. I'm right here." He wasn't even entirely sure if she was awake or if she was even seeing him.

He'd been sitting with her in the ICU for about three hours. Her eyes had fluttered open a couple times but had closed before any sort of alertness or recognition had played across her face. But the doctors had told him to expect as much – that she was so heavily sedated and had such strong narcotic pain-killers being pumped into her system, that she was about as close to a medically-induced coma as they could get her without actually putting her under.

So he'd just sat there, offering her his silent support while he played sentry. He took her hand off and on, rubbing it against his cheek, like he'd seen her do with Noah so many times while she'd sat guard at her son's bedside. He'd listened to the machines monitoring her pulse and breathing. He'd listened to the ventilator helping push the air into her lungs and the little beeps and suctioning noise as the tube coming out of her side slowly worked away at removing the fluids there. He'd watched and nodded at the nurses as they'd come in and checked on her – puttering around her bedside and her damaged body. He'd whispered and talked at her. But she hadn't moved. The doctors said that was better. That when she did wake up, this phase – the worst of it – would hopefully just seem like a dream, a blur that she couldn't really remember.

She moved her mouth and made another gagging motion – so he gripped her hand tighter.

"Hey, Liv, it's OK. You're OK," he told her. "They've got a tube down your throat right now. Don't try to talk. It's OK. Just relax. Focus on your breathing."

She seemed to look at him a bit harder, though her eyes remained heavy. So he pulled his chair closer to her bed and brought her hand back to his cheek, keeping as much eye contact with her as he could. Her lids looked so heavy, he thought she'd close them and drift back into sleep within seconds again, just like before.

"I'm here, Liv. You're OK. You're at the hospital," he told her. "You got shot. But you're OK."

She blinked at him and lulled her head a bit, so he reached up and stroked her cheek and she lulled her head back in his direction.

"I love you," he told her sincerely.

He felt like he might start crying. Seeing her like that was hard. She was the tough one in the relationship. The strong one. The one that carried the family. Or at least the one that dictated their maneuvers. He was just a mediator. The one that went around waving the white flag of surrender – for a price. She was the leader. The captain of their ship. She was the one who knew better how to deal with situations like this and to pull them through. Seeing her laying there, immobilized, and with machines connected to her and beeping around her, a tube down her throat, her not able to speak. It hurt. It scared him to his core in a way very different than other fears he'd experienced in his life – and he'd experienced fear, hurt and trauma. This was different. He was seeing the strong person he'd ever met in his life laying their broken and dependent and it scared him.

"You don't have to worry about anything," he told her, as she continued to look at him with sad, heavy eyes. "Ah, my parents … my parents picked up Noah from school. So he's OK. He's at home. Like our place – not theirs. I had them take him home – so he could have his toys and bed and everything. I'm going to go home and talk to him soon – just for a little while. After you go back to sleep. I've talked to him on the phone. But I haven't told him yet. But I'm going to tell him you're alright – and I'll get him to bed. I'll stay with him until he falls asleep. Umm. I know it's past his bedtime. But Mom called and said he won't lay down for them. I told them to just let him watch TV until I get there. He wonders where we are. He wouldn't eat dinner for them either. You know he only eats for you, right?" He gave her a small smile. "Only Mommy makes anything right. But I'll get him to eat something. Grilled cheese? I make that right. Or frozen chicken wings. Is it OK if I feed him chicken wings at like 11 p.m. at night? It will be like when he was between induction and consolidation, right? Chicken wings at 2 a.m.? Whatever to get him to eat something, right?"

She eyed him a bit more, so he gave her another smile and rubbed her hand against his cheek more.

"You don't have to worry about anything from work either, sweetheart. Ah. Elliot's here. He's just outside. He's going to stay with you when I go and get Noah to bed, OK? And your captain, he's been back-and-forth all-day. He came and got me at the university. He's been really great, Liv. Really great. And, I think about half the NYPD has just dropped in to make sure we're doing OK. You're going to have lots of visitors after we get you out of here and into your room. Hopefully tomorrow or the next day. The doc said you have to stay here likely about 36 hours or so – so just keep resting.

"And, umm, you don't have to worry about the case you were working, either. Ah, Elliot said you caught the guy. Even getting shot can't stop Detective Benson, right? You're always have to be such a bad ass, you know that, right?" He squeezed her hand and gave her another smile. "But they have him in custody. And no one else got hurt. Elliot and Fin – they're both fine. But, I guess Elliot can tell you more about all of that when he comes in. But I just don't want you to worry about it. Because everything is fine there too."

Her fingers switched a bit and gave the smallest squeeze to his hand – but he took it, and smiled brighter at her, reaching and caressing her cheek again.

"You're alright," he told her and nodded. "You're alright. You just need to rest, sweetheart. Just focus on the breathing and resting. You can go back to sleep. Everything's alright. We've got it all under control, OK? You don't have to worry about us. Any of us. We're OK. Just focus on resting and getting better."

She kept looking at him under the near slits of her open eyes. But slowly they closed as the sedatives over took her body again.

He sighed, as the stillness fell over her again and the sounds of the machines attached to her again seemed to fill his consciousness more. He caressed her cheek again. "I love you," he told her. "You're alright."


	163. Chapter 163

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

His mother was at the door the moment he came in. He didn't even have his coat off before she was at him. He'd barely even managed to get the door locked.

"How's is she?" She almost demanded of him, though she pulled him into a hug. Will didn't much feel like hugging though, or his mother being his mother – overbearing.

"She's OK. I'll tell you more after I get Noah to bed," he mumbled at her, pulling away.

He could see on her face that she was hurt – and worried. But he just wasn't ready to deal with it. He was hurting too much himself and still trying to figure out the words to use with Noah to try to explain to him what was happening. And, really, as much as he wanted to give Noah a hug, he also just really wanted to calm him and get him to sleep so he could head back to the hospital.

"He won't sleep and he won't eat," his mother informed him again.

She'd already called him multiple times to tell him that – and Will had really offered little advice, beyond giving him a bowl of strawberries, if they had any in the fridge, and to put him in front of a cartoon or movie on the television – and that he'd be there as soon as he could to handle it. His parents didn't know Noah's idiosyncrasies and they certainly weren't that experienced at dealing with the further idiosyncrasies of a chemo kid.

So he just nodded and shoved the box of frozen chicken wings he'd stopped to pick up from a ratty bogetta's freezer section. He was sure their nutritional value was near zero – and that it possibly couldn't be called chicken at all. But he figured maybe they'd tempt Noah into ingesting something. Otherwise, they'd be cooked and on-hand for future feeding attempts.

"Welcome to our lives," he told her. "Can you please put those in the oven for me?"

He saw Noah peaking at him from the end of the narrow hallway, looking down at him from the entrance to the living room.

He smiled at him and held his arms open. "Hey, Noah."

The boy considered him for a moment but came to him and Will scooped him up. He wrapped his arms around him so tightly and held him so close. His other bit of Olivia. The biggest gift she'd probably ever give him – getting to be so much a part of this little boy's life - this little kid with her eyes and her smile and her same fucking stubbornness. The same fucking stare down the world and survive attitude. This bravery and strong-headedness that he didn't know where it came from. Fearlessness. Something that he didn't think he had himself – but that he was thankful near everyday that it seemed to be familial in the two of them. Thankful even more that day. He was praying those qualities in his wife would continue over the next 36 hours and then into her recovery. Survive. Fight. Fight. Fight. That was Olivia.

"Where's Mommy?" Noah said quietly, resting his head on his shoulder.

Will rubbed his back. "Mmm, sweets, we're going to talk a bit about that. But let's say we get you one of your sleeping pills and tummy pills. Nana says you can't sleep."

Noah shook his head against him. "You and Mommy didn't come home from work, Dad."

Will nodded, as he carried to the stairs to head up to his and Liv's room to get the stash of Noah's medication. He nodded at his father, who was sitting on the couch in the living room and giving him a look of concern that creased across his forehead. But, it was a wordless acknowledgement of each other and he mounted the stairs, carrying Noah upwards to the pills and to some privacy away from his parents' prying ears and eyes.

Noah showed no interest in letting go of him so he took the boy with him to the bathroom and rattled around their medicine cabinet, which really looked more like a pharmacy now. He got out what he needed and handed the pills to Noah, who hesitantly put them into his mouth but accepted the cup of water from Will.

"Did Nana and Popa give you your chemo pills tonight?"

Noah shook his head. "You take them after dinner but they didn't make good dinner."

Will sighed and rattled some more. That wasn't entirely true. He and Olivia gave him the pills at bedtime – and technically after dinner. But he still should've taken them even though he didn't eat. Now he likely wouldn't even be able to try to feed him, lest he wanted to leave his parents with the high probability that they'd be cleaning up vomit all night. He wasn't entirely sure that they were that ready for that glimpse of their reality either.

He picked up the next day's pill box and got out that set's evening dosage and again handed it to Noah. He took them without comment – despite apparently not being able to take them from Nana and Popa due to his own imposed hunger strike.

Will looked at him as he finished gulping at the water. He looked so much like Olivia. It was ridiculous. He knew she fretted that she could see the boy's biological father in him and that it was only going to become more apparent. He honestly didn't know which features it was that she was seeing as Kurt Moss, though. When he looked at Noah all he saw was Liv.

"You know, you really like Nana's cooking when we go there for dinner," Will told the boy.

Noah looked at him and put his head back on his shoulder. "But Mommy said she'd make Pad Thai for supper."

Will rubbed at Noah's mess of new growth fuzz on his head. "Mommy makes pretty good Pad Thai," he agreed. "But what did Nana make for you?"

"Spaghetti."

Will nodded. "Nana makes pretty good spaghetti too."

"She put sauce on it."

"Did you just ask for plain noodles, Noah?"

He shook his head. "Nana would've given you plain noodles if you told her that's what you wanted, sweets."

Noah rubbed his cheek against Will's shoulder more. "Why are you and Mommy at work so late?"

"Mmm," Will said, rather than answering and carried Noah over to the bed. "Daddy needs to lay down for a bit. Will you lay down with me?" Will asked as he kicked off his shoes. Liv wouldn't be happy about shoes in the house. But he hadn't even realized he hadn't taken them off. As soon as he'd seen Noah in the hall, that's where all his attention had gone.

Noah didn't give him an answer, but Will took that as an affirmative, and set the boy on the bed so he could lay down himself. But even as Will lay down, Noah sat up and looked at him, so Will pushed himself back up, resting his back against the headboard.

"Come here," he said, and pulled Noah up to him. The boy just kept looking at him with Liv's big, brown eyes. He wasn't stupid. He knew something was wrong.

Will sighed. He still didn't know how to do this. He felt like this was some sort of new test to see if he knew how to be a parent. How do you tell a six-year-old that their mother was shot and is in the hospital? How do you explain it without it being terrifying? How do you assure them it's going to be OK when you're still experiencing the fear and need the reassurance yourself?

He swiped at Noah's fuzz-hair again and then rested his hands on his shoulders and looked at him right in the eye.

"Sweets, Mommy had an accident at work today."

Noah looked at him and blinked a couple times. "Like she fell?"

Will gave him a thin smile but shook his head. "No, buddy, not that kind of accident. Mommy was doing her job and there was an accident and she got shot."

Noah considered that more, his eyes blinking again. "Like with a gun?"

Will nodded. "Yes, with a gun."

"But you aren't supposed to play with guns because you can get hurt," Noah told him.

Will nodded. "You're right. You can get hurt when guns get shot, and Mommy got hurt."

"But you aren't supposed to play with guns," Noah protested louder. "Mommy doesn't play with guns. She's a police officer. Her gun is not a toy and she knows how to use her gun right!"

Will nodded. "Mommy didn't shoot herself by accident, Noah. Someone else shot Mommy."

Noah considered it again. "A bad man?"

Will nodded. "Yes, sweets, a bad man."

"He hurt Mommy?"

Will nodded. "He hurt Mommy."

Noah just kept looking at him, blinking and blinking as his little mind processed this.

"Mommy had to go to the hospital, Noah," Will said, hoping to ward off where he could only imagine the little boy's mind was going. "The doctors had to do an operation on her to make her feel better – and she's OK. But the doctors want her to stay in the hospital for a while until she feels even better."

"Did she bleed?"

Will nodded. "Yes. Mommy bled."

"Did they give her a Band-Aid?"

Will nodded. "Yeah, sweets, Mommy has some bandages on right now." He touched his own ribs. "They're here."

Noah put his hand against Will's ribs as he considered that.

"Operations hurt," Noah said, looking up at him with even bigger eyes and his face filling even more with concern and sadness, his lip starting to tremble just a bit.

Will nodded and pulled Noah closer to him and into a hug and Noah rested his head against his chest. "They do, sweets. But they also help people feel better, right?"

"Did they make her go to sleep?"

Will nodded. "They did. But, you know, Noah, Mommy knows lots about hospitals and doctors. You've taught her a whole lot. So I think she's going to be pretty brave about it all. Mommy's a pretty strong and brave lady, you know?"

"But she's not coming home?" Noah said and Will heard the tears behind it, even though with how the boy had buried his face against him, he couldn't yet see or feel them.

He shook his head. "Mommy's not coming home tonight, sweets."

Noah looked up at him and blink harder, his lip trembling even more. The tears started and Will wiped at them and pulled him closer to his chest again, trying to hide his own tears that were building in his eyes from the boy.

"But Mommy always comes home. Mommy says so. She always comes home and always gives me a goodnight kiss even when I'm asleep. She says. She always comes home," Noah sputtered out.

Will rubbed at his back hard and made some 'shhing' noises. "Mommy gave me your goodnight kiss to give you tonight, sweets. And when she comes home in a few days, she's going to give you an extra one for every night she wasn't able to come home, I promise."

"But Mommy always comes home," Noah cried again against his chest.

"I know, sweets, and she's still going to come home. Just not tonight."


	164. Chapter 164

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will heard the doctors talking her through what was going to happen and then heard some suctioning and gagging sounds, followed by coughing and then some moaning. But then he heard her voice. It sounded tired and raspy – likely the way you'd expect to sound after a tube had just been pulled up from having spent the better part of 36 hours shoved down into your lungs. It sounded like her throat was sore and scratchy. But at least it was her voice. It was all he could do to keep himself from going right back in the moment he heard her speak.

But he stood his ground waiting to be told he could go back behind the curtain. She knew he was there. She had to be awake for the removal. That seemed like an awful thing. For all the emphasis they put on the need to keep her sedated while it was inserted to then have to draw her out of it to take it out - that certainly wasn't going to keep bad memories or discomfort at bay.

He heard the doctor and nurse talking to her more. It sounded like they were checking her independent breathing and generally asking her how she was feeling. She was giving her answers in a quiet voice. She sounded tired and a little out of it. But she still managed to ask a couple questions and the doctor patiently provided some simplistic answers to provide some context for her current situation. She was shot. Her lung collapsed. She had some broken ribs. She'd had an operation. They removed part of her right lung. She had a blood transfusion. They were re-inflating her lung and removing fluids, monitoring her. She was in ICU. That her husband was just outside. That he'd be allowed back in in a moment. They'd give her some more of the sedative. But she so quickly declined that – at least for the moment. She didn't want to go back to sleep yet, she'd told them, emphasizing that she was fine. Sounding for a brief moment like the stubborn-as-fuck Olivia that he'd come to love. There was no way in hell they were going to get her sedated again at that moment – not unless they forced it on her, which he didn't think they were going to do.

The hushed conversation seemed to go on forever and Will clutched his arms to his chest tightly. He wanted back in there. He wanted to see her. He wanted to hug her. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to emphasize to her over and over and over again how much he loved her and how scared he'd been he was going to lose her. To tell her how important she was to him. To tell her that he wasn't sure he knew how to go back to life without her if something happened to her. He just wanted to melt into her. But he knew he needed to be the strong one right now. He couldn't turn into a babbling, sentimental puddle. He needed to take care of their family right now. He needed to get them through. He needed to make it all alright, like she usually did. He needed to be there for her. But to do that the doctor first had to let him back to her bedside.

Finally the nurse did open the curtain and he got to see her. She'd been awake when he'd been in there before. She seemed alert enough then. But she hadn't been able to speak. She hadn't been able to smile. She had still looked so broken still. Now, though, he felt a bit of the weight lift off of him. They had her sitting up. The tube sticking out of her mouth was gone and the ventilator wasn't making that noise anymore. She still looked tired. She looked hurt. But she was looking at him with more focused eyes and she managed to give him the thinnest smile. It made him light up, though. He rushed back to her and took her hand and planted a kiss on her forehead. He smiled at her.

"Hey, Beautiful," he said and continued to caress her temple with his thumb.

She closed her eyes against his touch and leaned into it a bit more. "Hey," she said quietly.

The doctor nodded at him. "We'll be back to check on her in a bit. Call the nurse if she changes she mind about the sedative. Let her rest. Not too much talking. Avoid laughing or moving too much, Olivia, it's going to hurt. Your body is going to want to cough a lot for the next while too. You should try to let it – but it's going to smart too. If you feel like it's busted your ribs – you'll know – call the nurse. But hold a pillow against you as you do it, to support your ribs. It will help."

She opened her eyes slowly at him and nodded and so they left, pulling the curtain behind them.

Will pulled the visitor chair closer and sat, looking up at her. He couldn't stop smiling at her.

"It's so good to see you," he told her.

She griped his hand a bit tighter. "I'm sorry," she told him so softly and looked like she was going to cry.

He shook his head hard and shot his hand forward to quickly capture the little drops before they could fall. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Liv. Nothing. I'm so proud of you."

She made a noise and looked away for a moment, but he caressed her cheek with his thumb more and she slowly brought her eyes back to him.

"I love you," he told her.

She gave him the tiniest smile and squeezed his hand.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, because it seemed like the kind of thing he was supposed to ask.

She put her head further back into the thin, crappy hospital pillow. "Like I was shot," she said, and then paused and looked at him. "It hurts," she said quietly, like she didn't like admitting it.

He gave her a little nod and squeezed her hand again. "If the pain isn't managed very well, we can talk to the nurse," he said. "They can give you some more pain killers for it – morphine - to keep you comfortable."

She shook her head a little bit. "Not yet. It will put me back to sleep. I want to see you."

He gave her another smile and brought her hand to his cheek. She broke it free of his grip and traced her fingers around the scars near his eye and cheek bone – a movement that had almost become habit for her, but he found it comforting when she did it. He let her examine him for a while, while he watched her face too. She was OK. She looked a little pale and so tired – but she was OK.

"I brought something for you," he told her and bent to get his bag, briefly breaking the eye contact and the touch.

"Angry Birds?" She managed a joke, as he rifled through the bag for a moment and he broke out into a bigger smile at her.

He caressed her cheek again at the comment, as he sat up straight again. "You are going to have some time to practice now, babe," he told her. "I did bring you the iPad, but I think this is better."

He held up Bluey and put him on her chest. She gave a bit wider smile and fingered at the little bear, straightening some of the tattered hair sticking all over the place on his little ears.

"Noah?" She said quietly, still examining the stuffie.

Will nodded, rubbing her bicep. "You know, Bluey is an expert at making everything better at hospital visits. So Noah sent him to take care of you."

She gave him another little smile as she held the bear. "How is he?"

Will nodded again. "He's OK. He's worried about you – and he misses you, but he's OK."

She gave him a sad look and he saw her eyes glass again. "I miss him too."

He leaned forward and put another kiss on her forehead and wiped at her eyes for her. "He's OK, Liv. We are just happy you're OK. We all just want you to focus on getting better right now."

She gave a small nod and wiped at her own eyes with her one hand. "When can I see him?" She asked cautiously.

"Soon," he told her. "After we get you out of ICU and into a room."

She sighed and it sent her on a coughing spree and she clutched at her side as her face flushed in agony.

He griped at her hand. "Do you need the nurse?"

She shook her head as her body settled again and again wiped at the tears that the coughing had brought to them. He saw her eying the suction machine and the tube leading into her.

"It's to get out some of the fluid around that lung and to help re-inflate it," he told her.

She gave another little nod. "The doctor said so." She moved her hand, like she was trying to get a better look at where the tube was going.

"Just leave it, babe," he almost begged her. "They've got it going between two of your ribs, that's all."

She looked back at him for a moment instead, but he wasn't sure how long she'd listen to him – if he closed his eyes or left the room. She clutched his hand again, though.

"When do I get out of ICU?"

He shrugged. "Hopefully tomorrow, Liv. It's up to the doctors. It depends on how you're doing. So you need to rest and keep focusing on just breathing and getting those lungs cleared and letting that one heal."

She nodded. "And then you'll bring Noah over?"

He gave her a little smile and rubbed the back of her hand against his cheek again. "I'll have him over here as soon as the doctor gives us the green light."

She nodded. "Elliot?" She asked softly.

"He's not here right now. But he was here all yesterday, Liv, and all night. He just went home a couple hours ago to shower and change and see his family. He'll be back."

"He's OK?"

Will nodded. "Everyone's OK. No one else got hurt. They have the guy in custody."

"There was a second man," she said, like she could see it in her head but the memory wasn't quite clear.

"I don't know, sweetheart. They told me about one guy. But Captain Cragen … he'll be back to see you too. You can talk to them about it. I'm going to call your precinct and give them an update when you're ready to rest again."

She gave a small nod. "Thank you," she said and again touched his face before going back to examining Bluey. "This thing really needs to be washed," she finally said after rearranging some more of the thing's fur.

Will snorted. "With all the vigilance we put into everything else he touches – Bluey is the walking epidemic."

She gave a little laugh and clutched at her side again, as her eyes again glassed over.

He gripped her hand and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he told her sincerely.

She shook her head and touched his chin, examining his face. "No, it's OK. I missed you. You've always made me laugh."

He gave her a small smile.

"I love you," she said quietly.


	165. Chapter 165

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She saw Will come to the door, griping her son's small hand. He looked a little unsure. It wasn't his usual hospital and he also wasn't used to be in the sterility of an adult ward. But she'd made sure she was sitting up and looking as healthy as possible for this visit. She'd been working towards it for the past three days – just pushing to get to the point they'd say she could be moved to a ward that could have children visitors and she could see her little boy, so she could reassure him that she was alright, so she could hold him tight to her. She knew she wasn't going to want to let go.

She'd had time to think about everything and to think about the fact that she could be taken away from her son – in more concrete terms than ever before, it was no longer an abstract situation of maybes and might-bes. It had terrified her. She couldn't imagine having to miss anything in Noah's life – the good and bad. She couldn't imagine having to leave him alone now with everything he had going on in his young life. It was already deeply hurting her to know that Will was having to carry the load with Noah right now. He'd had to take him in for his labs that week. If she didn't get out in time next week, it would be Will that would take him in for his chemo. She imagined even if she did get out in time, it would still be him taking Noah in.

She hated that it wasn't her that was getting to make the decision on that. She hated that she was missing her son's smiles. That she wasn't getting hugs from him each day. That she wasn't getting to hug him back. That she wasn't getting that cuddle time and sloppy kisses accompanied but his silly giggles. That she wasn't having to deal with his sticky fingers and arguments about him eating something – anything. She hated that she wasn't getting to do the nightly bribes to get him to take his chemo pills and not getting to be there to read him the extra story because of said bribe. She knew it wasn't even bribes anymore. It was just faux routine that both her and Noah did each night. It was just part of bedtime. She hated that she was missing hearing about how school was going. She hated that she wasn't stepping on Lego or that she wasn't being asked to play some superhero sidekick or Star Wars character that she'd been forced to educate herself on so she could play them just right and get in some of the appropriate catch-phrases for each.

She was kicking herself for being shot. Forget what it meant for work – at least for the moment. This meant something for her family, for her son. He could've been left without a mother. She could've missed so much. She could've left him alone in a time of need. She was angry at herself. She shouldn't have let herself get shot. Maybe she shouldn't have even been there at all. Not when she had a sick little boy who needed her at home. A little boy she'd been fighting so hard to ensure she got to see grow up – and then not even thinking about that in all the fighting she was doing for him, she could just be taken away from him so instantly and miss it anyways. It was a hurtful reality. It wasn't one she was entirely ready to deal with right now.

Her face lit up, though, upon seeing Noah and as she smiled, his own spread across his face too, and he twisted his hand free of Will's and ran across the room to her bed.

"Mommy," he declared happily and tried to clamber onto her bed. She worked at moving herself over a bit – though the movement didn't feel too great – as Will caught up and helped him up next to her, while whispering 'Remember we talked about being gentle and careful about Mommy's side.' She wasn't sure Noah even heard him or cared. His arms were around her neck and a sloppy kiss against her cheek. He rested his head on her shoulder for a moment, only to move his head and give her another sloppy kiss.

She hugged him as tight as she could manage, which wasn't as tight as usual, and returned the kiss, kissing his forehead and taking his cheeks in her hands to examine him. He just smiled at her – and his eyes looked calm. He was OK.

"Oh, I missed you so much, sweets," she told him and kissed him again, before letting him settled on her shoulder. She just held him. Resting her cheek on top of his head.

The mother in her – the woman – wanted to have a little cry about getting to have her baby in there with her – FINALLY. But she didn't want to scare him – and she knew that if she did start blubbering it would only hurt her ribs anyways and likely send her lungs into another painful coughing fit too. So she just rubbed his back and gave Will a smile, which he returned even bigger, as he settled into the visitor's chair.

"I miss you too, Mommy," Noah told her and clutched more at the material of her gown. She hated that she was still having to wear a gown but they were having to poke and probe around her chest and side so much still, switching to a pajama top just wasn't practical yet. Though, Will had already smuggled in a zip-up hoodie for her to keep her warmer. It was one of his, to give it some extra space and bagginess for the doctors and her own comfort. She liked that even though it was clean, it still seemed to have the smell of him and the house on it. Like she could just sense it there, even if it really was the laundry detergent that lingered more. But it comforted her to have it.

Her Noah just clutched at her for several minutes and she just tried to enjoy it too – being back with her child – even though the added pressure of him pressing against her felt a little uncomfortable. Still, she wouldn't trade it. She thought about how no one ever truly prepares you for the attachment – the love – you feel for your child. No matter how many times you hear that it 'changes everything', it doesn't prepare you, she thought. Having Noah had changed her life, changed her perspective on things, changed the way she did her job. He'd given her something to live for. He'd given her hope about the world and life and humanity, in general.

For all the frustrations and heartache and sleeplessness nights he'd already brought her – she wouldn't trade being a mother. And, she couldn't imagine having any other child but her Noah. Noah was the baby she was meant to have. As much as she'd worried she wouldn't know how to be a mom to a little boy, how she feared what some men become and how to make sure her son was never that - she now couldn't imagine even having a girl, if it meant she wouldn't have Noah. She wasn't sure anymore she knew how to be a mom to a daughter – now that she'd experienced being the mom of a little boy. Noah was everything she could've imagined having in a child and more – even with the hardships they were experiencing, he was hers. She couldn't let go of him. So it was him who eventually loosened the grip and sat up on the bed examining her and looking around at the machines around her and the tubes running from her.

"You've got lots of tubes, Mommy," he told her, examining them more. "But no chemo."

She gave him a smile. "Nope, no chemo," she agreed. "Just tubes." She pointed at the one she could see him eyeing, coming up her side. "This ones to fix my lung."

"Because you were shot by the bad guy," he told her with an incredible seriousness.

She nodded. "I was – but I'm alright. Right?"

He nodded at her and went in for another hug. She rubbed his back more and placed another kiss on his temple.

"Oh, I missed you, sweets," she whispered to him again.

"Do you hurt, Mommy?" He asked her quietly, still with his face buried against her neck.

"A little, sweets, but not a lot."

He nodded. "Hospitals hurt sometimes, Mom."

She let out a sad little smile against his shoulder and moved her mouth to place another kiss against his little cheek. The comment was tugging at her tear ducts again. "I know, sweetheart. But you've taught me how to be really brave in the hospital. You're the bravest boy I know."

He pulled away a bit. "You're brave too, Mom," he told her – and then pulled at a cape she'd noticed he was wearing when he flew into the room at her with it billowing behind him. But she still hadn't yet even wanted to ask what that was all about.

"Look," he demanded of her now though. "It's a superhero cape."

She gave a smile and let out a small laugh – but clutched at her side and closed her eyes for a moment, telling herself to not let the pain of it paint across her face.

"Is that what this is?" She asked, and pulled the soft material closer to her and examined it. The red and blue cape had almost a Superman symbol on the back but it had a big N in the crest instead.

"Nana made it for me," he declared. "But I helped decorate it."

She smiled at him some more and ran her fingers over the little bits of glitter glue on the back – spirals and lightening bolts and just polka dots.

"Are you being good for Nana and Popa?"

He nodded vigourously.

"Are you eating and going to bed on time?"

He shrugged.

"I know that you know better, Noah," she told him softly and touched his cheek. "I want you to take care of yourself and listen to Nana and Popa when Mommy and Daddy can't be there right now. That means eating and going to bed on time. OK?"

He gave her some sad eyes and a small pout but nodded.

"We made you one too," he offered, seemingly as an apology.

She raised an eyebrow. "You made me a cape?"

He nodded and looked at Will, who was rummaging through the backpack he had with him and handed her son a neatly folded garment. Noah gave it to her, shaking it open a bit. Hers was a lighter colour of blue with a pink lining. She wanted to laugh but restrained herself, just smiling at her son instead.

"We put 'O' on it for your name," he told her and then showed her and she smoothed her hand over the sewed on felt crest. "Nana said we should put 'M' for Mom but when it's 'O' then we can spell 'NO' when we go and play."

She almost laughed again about the concept of wearing the thing in public. Though, she knew she'd likely end up doing just that – because Noah asked, and because he was so proud and clearly excited about it.

"It's pretty amazing, sweets," she told him. "Did you decorate it too?"

He nodded and showed her more of the glitter glue swirls and sequins glued to the thing.

"It's because you're like a real superhero, Mom," he told her and looked at her with big eyes.

She smiled even more at him and cocked her head, while she caressed his cheek. "You spoil me, sweetheart," she told him. "You're my superhero."

"But now that you've been shot and had surgery – you can have like a real super power, just like Spiderman when he was bite by the spider. What do you think your super power is?"

She almost laughed again and again moved her hand to her side. "Hmm. I don't know. Maybe super hugs?"

Noah sighed and shook his head. "That's not a super power, Mom. You need to pick something cool."

"Hmm," she thought about it. "Well what do you think my super power should be?"

"You were shot so maybe it should be like being bullet proof or something like that."

"I don't think I did a very good job at being bullet proof, sweets," she told him and caressed his head again. His hair was starting to grow back for the moment and she loved the moments where it was the soft and fluffy little curly locks – before the drugs worked into it and became frail and dead and then the other drugs or elevations in his liver caused it to fall out again.

"But you could be now because you had surgery," he offered.

She smiled. "OK. What's your super power?"

"I'm Chemo Kid," he informed her instantly.

And again she had to force herself not to laugh but widened her smile at him. "Chemo Kid? That's a secret identity, not a super power," she told him.

"It is a power. I can zap cells and scare you so much your hair falls out and then projectile puke on you."

"Projectile puke?" She smiled. "Who taught you the word 'projectile'?" She eyed Will and he gave her an innocent shrug.

"Daddy," Noah stated.

"Of course, Daddy," she shook her head.

"So which one of us is the sidekick?" She asked. "Since you're the kid …"

Noah shook his head. "Noooooo, I'm not the sidekick. I'm like Batman."

"Well I'm not Robin," she told him and examined his little face and his eyes.

He was so calm. He was himself. He was making her laugh and smile and coming up with the silliest little comments. He was her Noah. He was dealing with this OK. She wasn't sure if that made her happy, if it made it easier for her, or if it made her a little sad. Her son knew too much about hospitals and medical procedures and how to self-sooth and feel comfortable in those surroundings. Maybe he'd been lectured into being strong – being a good boy – for her too. But, still, him being OK with her being there gave her some more strength to be OK with it too – for her to get through it and to know that her little boy was coping.

Noah seemed to think about it. "Daddy can be the sidekick," he decided.

"Hey," Will protested. "How come I always end up the sidekick to you two?"

Liv gave him a gentle smile and reached for his hand, and he took hers and rubbed his thumb across the top of it. "You're a pretty amazing sidekick," she assured him.

"Ah," he shook his head at her. "Why does that not make me feel better?"

She smiled some more. "Did you make Daddy a cape too?"

Noah shook his head.

"I think you should. Then we can spell 'NOW' or 'WON'," she offered. "A whole superhero family."

Noah considered it and glanced at Will. "Nana said you're too grown-up for a cape."

Will laughed. "I'm too grown-up but Mommy can have a cape?"

Noah smoothed his hand over hers more. "Because you can use it like a blanket now, Mom," he told her and almost tried to tuck it around her one side like she did for him at bedtime.

She smiled at him. "It's a great blanket too, sweets. I love it. Thank you."

He gave her a little nod and crawled up to give her another kiss. But after giving her the smallest peck, he then did a farting blow-fish against her cheek.

She looked at him as he giggled and moved away from her face. She gave him a poke in the belly and he giggled more.

"Gross, Noah," she smiled at him but he just giggled more. His smile highlighting his little boy teeth and sending his face a glow – the Noah face she loved so much to see.

"Here," Will held out a Barnes & Noble bag to Noah, who pulled it up on him and then set it next to her.

"Daddy said you already had lots of flowers and balloons so we got you your trashy magazines instead," Noah told her and riffled through the bag.

"My trashy magazines, eh?" She said and again shook her head at Will, who again gave her a smile and an innocent shrug. But she gave Noah a smile as he handed her a pile of magazines, including People, Us, Style, Rolling Stone and Parenting. Though, he had thrown in Time, The New Yorker and The Atlantic too, which weren't exactly light reading.

"You know I can download these on the iPad?" she told him.

He shrugged. "I know you're old-fashioned when it comes to your books and magazines."

"Daddy says you get to keep the iPad until you come home Mom," Noah told her.

She smiled. "I know, sweets, but if you need it for one of your appointments, you can have it, OK?"

He gave her a nod. "Daddy says I can take my DS to my doctors. But you can borrow DS too if you want Mom."

She stroked his cheek again. "That's such a nice offer, sweetie. But I'm OK."

"When are you coming home, Mommy?" Noah asked and looked at her with his big eyes again, a touch of sadness in them.

"Soon, sweets," she promised and gestured for him to come back closer to her again, so she could hug him. She rubbed her cheek against the top of his head and took in his little boy scent and felt his warmth against her. She put a kiss on his head. "I'll be home as soon as the doctors tell me I can," she said.

"But when will that be Mom?"

"Soon, sweets," she promised again. "Soon."

**OK, people, unless there's a huge outcry, the next few updates you'll see from me are going to be focusing on some of my other stories in this series. Watch for a couple in Rollercoaster, also due to popular demand, you're going to see some updates in Complicated Happiness. I've had a lot of requests to flesh out the early days of Liv getting to know Will. So I'll be dropping/replacing Ch. 9 in there (to return as a later chapter) and will be adding more context to the early weeks and months of their friendship and growing relationship. There's some chapters for Changes and Love You Forever coming up too - but aren't likely the next on the agenda for now.**

**Also, just as an FYI - you'll see some updates in my stories over the next couple days, but after that I'm going to be MIA for an unknown length of time. It may be a couple days, it may be a couple weeks. So you're going to see a gap in updates.**

**As always, feedback and reviews are always appreciated by comment or PM. Let me know what you think or what you might like to see in the stories**


	166. Chapter 166

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will sighed at her from the back of the cab, where he was trying to get her bag and the backpack out of the trunk.

"Liv," he nearly raised his voice at her, "would you just wait for a minute and I'll help you?"

She glanced at him, as she hoisted herself out of the backseat, gripping her side and her face clearly painted with pain. "I can get out of a car and walk up a few steps myself, Will," she glared at him. "I'm not an invalid."

He shook his head. "No one said you were. You're supposed to be being careful. If you blow-out your stitches or crack your ribs, you'll be back in the hospital."

She rolled her eyes at him as she trudged towards the steps and he flung the bags over his shoulders – riffling through his pocket for his wallet to hand the rather inattentive taxi driver a tip anyways.

"Noah, help Mom," he called at the boy, who seemed much more interested in gazing at the people walking a dog across the street.

He'd had Noah in at his hospital in the morning for his first day of the chemo drip that month. It was an earlier session than usual for the boy. So between that, the chemo, and he suspected the new drug they had in there – Noah just seemed spaced out of his skull. He'd been downright mopey and had already been complaining of nausea. He was actually amazed that they'd made it from Mt. Sinai to Mercy in the cab without him puking – not to mention, getting Liv discharged and back up to the townhouse.

The boy startled a bit at Will's call but seemed to rejoin them in front of the townhouse rather than whatever plane he'd been existing on while eyeing the dog. He glanced at Will and then went over to Liv and offered her a hand. She took it, but Will got the sense she would've preferred to use that hand to support her side while she clutched onto the railing with her opposite hand.

Finally, getting rid of the cab and their bags handled, he rushed up the few steps of their apartment ahead of them and juggled around to find the keys. He could feel her rolling his eyes behind him – but he refused to look. He finally managed to get the keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door, holding it open for her, as she near hobbled in.

She'd been in the hospital nine days – a very long nine days – but she was home, and he was glad of it. He knew she was too. Though, she'd already been doing her best, ever since the release papers were signed, to make it abundantly clear that she was fine, she could manage on her own, and she didn't need any extra help or doting on. He knew she was bluffing.

The doctors may have decided she was doing well enough to come home – that her lung was re-inflated, that the extra fluid was gone, that the hole was starting to heal and that her pain was being managed appropriately. But Will still saw how she was gripping her side whenever she moved too suddenly and how laughing or coughing caused her face to flush and pain to paint across it. He saw how glassy her eyes would get as it happened and how she know forced herself to close her eyes when it happened and to take a slow breath before she would re-open them.

He'd watched her frustration at the breathing exercises they were putting her through in the initial rehabilitation she needed to pass before the doctors let her leave the hospital. She was doing fine with them but her anger about having to even participate in it had radiated off of her. He hoped that the hospital staff around her wasn't as attuned to it as him – or else they likely weren't that excited about being assigned to work with her. Olivia could be less than a ray of sunshine to be around – especially when she didn't feel things were going her way. Some times it was almost like dealing with an indignant child.

As they got inside, he tried to help her get off her jacket – but she'd jerked away. It ended up causing her more visible pain than what she likely would've experienced if he'd just let her try to shrug it down her shoulders and off her wrists herself.

"Liv, just let me help you," he sighed at her.

She glared at him. "I'm fine, Will."

He sighed harder and looked at the ceiling. "OK," he shook his head. "I'll take your bag upstairs. I'm allowed to do that right? Or you want to try to break your ribs and collapse your lung doing that yourself too?"

She glared at him harder. "If you are going to give me a hard time …" she warned.

He wasn't going to listen, though. So he just shook his head again and left her to figure out how to best get her shoes off on her own, and he went down the hall and upstairs. He threw the bag on the bed – and opened it. He wasn't sure he was allowed to do that either – but did it anyways. Tossing her book into her bedside table, retrieving the iPad and taking it into their little den to plug in to charge and then grabbing her toiletry case and what was left in the bag and dragging it to the bathroom. He put the case on the vanity for her to deal with herself – because God forbid he so much as look at her toiletries, ever. But he worked at pulling out the neatly folded but used clothes and putting them into the laundry hamper.

He went to the top of the stairs. "Are you going to want any of the clothes you had the hospital washed tonight? Should I bring down the laundry?" He called down.

"I'm fine," he heard her called back, with even more agitation in her voice.

He sighed again. He knew the next few weeks of her being out of the hospital but still in recovery and on home-rest were going to be long. She was going to be frustrated and annoyed and in pain – and she'd do her best to push him away. That's what she was good at. Going in for follow-up appointments and rehab, going in to her NYPD therapist to start working towards getting back on the job - it was all just going to make her pissy. Worst still was that even though she should hopefully be back to work within a month (but, God, those four weeks sounded like eternity to both of them right now), was that the doctors had said that it would be more like six to eight weeks before she really started to feel healed and more like three or four months before she was actually healed. He knew it was going to drive her out of her mind. He didn't want to even think about the fact she'd be on part-time at the start and desk duty for months likely – unless the NYPD doctors decided otherwise. He could feel her agitation about it already and it wasn't even an issue yet.

He was just hoping she would focus on the now – her continued recovery, not over-doing things in a way that might take her steps backwards. It'd be even better if she could just see the time as a period to focus on Noah too, which was something she'd been longing for anyways. That she could spend some extra time with him and just get to be a mom, like she'd been expressing she wanted more of. That she wouldn't have to worry about balancing work and him and his health and her recovery. She could focus on that stuff on its own without the shifts and the chaos and the burden of what she did for a living.

He thought maybe she could use some of that first month to putter on some of the stuff for the reception too, which she'd been stressing about before the accident. As casual as they said they were keeping it, as it got closer to the date, the more she seemed to feel they were behind in organizing anything for it. Will wasn't entirely sure what that meant – since they had a place, food and chairs set to go. What more did they really need for a casual we're-already-married-but-come-and-watch-us-pretend-to-do-it-again-for-my-parents'-sake reception? But apparently there was more they needed to do – though, Liv hadn't been specific on the details.

Though, she had mentioned that maybe they should cancel or reschedule or something with her injury. He'd told her to not make that decision yet – as she'd fretted in the hospital bed. They'd talk about it after she got home and they saw how she was doing and feeling, he'd said. He suspected they'd be talking about it. Based on dealing with her so far since leaving the hospital, though, he wasn't sure they'd be using their indoor voices during the discussion.

Noah was already planted in front of the television, clutching two of his action figures, when he came back through the living room. He looked like he'd again retreated to another plane of existence. He wasn't even sure the boy noticed him walk by. He found Liv in the kitchen, though, he assumed looking for something to eat or getting a drink for herself and Noah. But she seemed really transfixed by the contents of the fridge. She was holing the door open and staring into it.

"Why is there so much food in there?" She asked, as she heard him come into the area.

He shrugged at her, as she examined him, with the door still open. "Mom went grocery shopping for us."

She brought out a head of iceberg lettuce and of commercially-packaged Schneiders Summer Sausage. "None of us even eat this stuff. There's Miracle Whip in there, Will. Miracle Whip! – and Kraft Singles. That's not even food."

He sighed. "Well, whatever. I'll mix the lettuce up in our salad at dinner the next few days. And Noah's been eating that meat while they've been here. He likes it."

She eyed him. "It's full of nitrates, salt and fat."

He looked at the ceiling. "It's not going to kill him, Liv. We'll finish the package – and then whatever. We don't have to buy it again."

She shook her head at him and put the stuff back in the fridge. "There's more food in here than we buy in a month." She opened the freezer and examined it too. It was just as full. "We are never going to be able to eat all this. Half this stuff we don't even eat. What are we supposed to do with it all?"

"Liv, come on, she was just trying to help."

She closed the door and looked around again and then gestured – like at the whole space. "She cleaned too?"

Will shrugged. "Yeah, she cleaned too. She's trying to help," he stressed again.

"The place wasn't that bad," she commented almost defensively.

"No one said anything about it being bad. She just thought you'd appreciate coming home to a clean house – and neither of us having to worry about dealing with that for the next while."

Will kind of doubted Liv would be on the phone when his parents called to check-in that night to express her undying gratitude for everything they'd done over the past nine days to help them – caring for Noah, feeding him, getting him to and from school, driving him to appointments, carting Will around too, stopping in to visit Liv, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, picking up groceries, leaving pre-made dinners in the fridge and freezer (even if they weren't their usual entrees).

He'd been hard enough to explain to his parents that it would be best if they just let him retrieve Liv via taxi cab and bring her home. He'd had to repeatedly decline their offer to drive them – and he'd had to even more repeatedly stress that it would be best if they were gone from the house when Liv arrived back home. That she'd need her space and her own time to get back settled in.

They'd eventually listened. But they didn't really understand. And what was he supposed to say? That his wife had trouble accepting help from anyone? That she usually lashed out badly when she was frustrated or felt like she was having to be dependent on anyone but herself? That she hated to feel like she was being patronized – which generally seemed to be what she perceived help to be half the time?

Will might've broken down a lot of her barriers when it came to letting him help with Noah – but when it came to doting on her and helping, it was an entirely different story. He wouldn't trade his relationship with Olivia. He absolutely, undoubtedly knew she was worth it. But, the reality was there were definitely reasons she'd managed to go through life single. She deserved more than that. She was an amazing person, he knew. Still, she just did a good job at making it hard for people to get to the point that – to get beyond her looks and then to get beyond the front she put up – and to actually get to know the person she was. That took a lot of work. A whole lot of patience. It took fucking chipping holes in her walls and then using all your strength to keep them from falling back in around you – meanwhile there was a flood of water trying to push you back out through the hole too. She was a hard person to know. The reality was she could be downright bitchy. But Will didn't think that was the best thing to be expressing to his parents. Though, he figured they'd already determined some of that on their own. After all, they'd been working at trying to bring her into the family for the better part of four years too, and she definitely hadn't made it easy for them either.

Will already knew he and Liv were likely going to fight over the coming weeks. That she was likely going to do her best to push him away and accept as little help from him as humanly possible. That there might even be moments where they both wanted to throw in the towel. That she was likely going to hurt his feelings. That he was going to be pissed at her. That she was going to be just as pissed at him. That, hell, maybe they'd be getting divorced before they even made their marriage official to their family and friends.

He knew that wasn't true. He wasn't going anywhere. He loved her. He knew she loved him. He'd seen at the hospital in those early days that she was reaching for him – reaching for him, not Elliot, even though she'd asked for her friend. She'd let herself be vulnerable around him. She'd taken his hugs and his kisses and looked at him for comfort. She knew he was there for her – that he wasn't going anywhere.

It was after they got over those first hurdles and she started to feel a bit better and be a bit more mobile – and the reality of her situation really set in, that she started to push harder against him. She'd been shorter with him. She expressed her frustration. She lashed out. He told himself that she did it to him, because she knew he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't sure what she could say or do anything – ever – that would make him go anywhere. But he knew along the way they were both going to have some scrapes and bruises. He was prepared for it. He hoped she was too. But he also just wished she'd drop the front.

"Liv," he looked at her sternly, "we don't have to do this this way, you know? It's me. I know you're hurting. I know you aren't as much of a fucking bad ass as you want the world to think. No one else has to know if you need some help over the next while. It's allowed. It's fucking expected. So … please … just drop this attitude."

She looked at him hard and crossed her arms. He saw her flinch a bit. Her favourite motion and stare-down wasn't that comfortable of movement for her yet.

"You look like Noah when he's pouting, right now," he told her.

He saw a smile pull at the corners of her mouth at that and she nearly sputtered as she tried to both hide her laugh, and to keep it in and from causing the vibrations that she'd feel in her side.

"I love you," he told her quietly, giving her a smile at her efforts to keep it together, and happy to see his Liv rather than the Chief Thundercloud he'd had since they'd exited the hospital and he'd tried to help her get settled in the cab.

She tucked a piece of her hair behind her hair and gave him almost a shy glance from where she'd been examining the floor – like she'd been momentarily embarrassed at the realization of how she'd been acting.

"Love you too," she mouthed quietly.

He closed the few steps between them and wrapped his arms around her into a loose hug – still afraid he was going to hurt her and being very cautious whenever he touched her. But she returned the gesture and wrapped her arms loosely around him, keeping them down around his waist, rather than her usual tight grip around his chest and shoulders. She rested her head against his shoulder and he kissed the crown of her head.

"It's going to be alright," he told her - his favourite phrase for everything anymore. They're fucking mantra that he so often felt like it was a little white lie they consistently told themselves.

"I know," she said quietly.

He traced his thumb up and down the small of her back. "You want me to warm up something for you to eat? That doesn't include lettuce, summer sausage, Miracle Whip or Kraft Singles? Basically – no sandwich for you."

He felt her smile but she shook her head against him. "I'm really fine."

"OK."

"I kind of want to lay down," she finally whispered quietly after continuing to embrace him for some time. "But I want to sit with Noah too."

He nodded and gave her another kiss. "I bet we could convince our space cadet that he wants to lay down for a nap with Mommy. Long day for him too."

**POSTED A NEW STORY - THAT EXISTS ENTIRELY SEPARATELY FROM THIS SERIES: Hello, Goodbye. So check it out.**

**In other news. OK, people, unless there's a huge outcry, the next few updates you'll see from me are going to be focusing on some of my other stories in this series. Watch for a couple in Rollercoaster, also due to popular demand, you're going to see some updates in Complicated Happiness. I've had a lot of requests to flesh out the early days of Liv getting to know Will. So I'll be dropping/replacing Ch. 9 in there (to return as a later chapter) and will be adding more context to the early weeks and months of their friendship and growing relationship. There's some chapters for Changes and Love You Forever coming up too - but aren't likely the next on the agenda for now.**

**Also, just as an FYI - you'll see some updates in my stories over the next couple days, but after that I'm going to be MIA for an unknown length of time. It may be a couple days, it may be a couple weeks. So you're going to see a gap in updates.**

**As always, feedback and reviews are always appreciated by comment or PM. Let me know what you think or what you might like to see in the stories**


	167. Chapter 167

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will gave her a little smile. She'd taken his side of the bed and placed Noah in the centre – making it less likely that he'd flail himself onto her sore side. So he'd taken her usual spot – and had been laying there, breathing in her scent off her pillow and watching her watch Noah for what was likely a ridiculous amount of time. Noah was completely passed out and unaware of how closely he was being monitored. But Liv just kept watching him. Sometimes whatever she was thinking about seemed to cause a smile to tug at the edge of her lips. Then every once in a while, she'd reach out and stroke Noah's head, playing with the little tuffs of fuzz he had there right now, in a similar manner to how she'd restlessly worked at fixing Bluey's fur while she was in the hospital.

"You think I should move him down to his own bed?" Will offered.

Her eyes came up to him and she rubbed her face on the duvet a bit. "Hmm," she mumbled.

He could tell she was tired and even though her eyes were open, he knew she was really just kind of , sort of operating and hadn't truly been awake. Her and Noah had actually been up in their bedroom sleeping for most of the afternoon and evening.

Noah had reappeared at one point and asked for a drink and then disappeared to his playroom for a while. Will had found him down there passed out on the couch with his Lego X-Wing Fighter on top of him but partially crushed, likely from a rollover in his sleep. The boy had eventually reemerged, mumbled something at Will in the living room and then gone back upstairs to his mother. Liv too had stirred a couple times. She came downstairs and made a tea and sat at the dining table pretending to gaze at him while he worked on some grading – but she hadn't spoken and she too hadn't stuck around very long after finishing her drink.

Every time Will had gone up to the top of the stairs to see how they were both doing, they were both completely flaked out in the bed. They hardly stirred at him entering the room. He's even touched them a couple times and they'd barely moved. He'd hardly even managed to wake them to get them to come down to eat some dinner. They eventually did – or at least Liv did. Noah was still complaining of nausea and just picked at his plate. They'd all just zombied in front of the television after that.

Noah had decided he wanted a bath and he wanted it in their big "pool tub". So Liv had gone up with him – wanting to supervise bath time and do his bedtime herself after having missed so many days of it. He'd left her to it. He'd heard the water running to fill the tub – and then he'd heard chatter. He could tell from the level of the voices that Noah was splashing around in the tub while Liv was off in the bedroom, with the door left open, so she could talk at him and make sure he was OK.

Eventually, he'd heard the water drain and a bit more chatter. He'd seen Liv take up a pair of the boy's PJs and some storybooks. He'd even heard her reading to Noah. But they'd never reappeared to do tuck-in in the boy's room and he'd decided to go upstairs to see what was going on. They were both asleep again. So, he'd joined them. Laying down and watching the two of them.

Some times he thought it was ridiculous how much they'd both become his everything. Watching them lay there together – he nearly wanted to cry. The thought of losing either of them ached so badly. He thought that life worked in funny ways. It was random. That they'd end up living next to each other. That they'd both be available – even though neither of them had been emotionally available at all at the start. But he liked to think they helped heal that for each other. Still, for whatever reason, eventually they just clicked. They just worked. Liv had become a friend like no other friend he'd ever had – male or female. He could just talk to her. Just say things to her. Or more often they could just say nothing. They could share space – and it just felt right.

And, yet, after they'd each already been through so much in their separate lives – now God or the universe or whatever, was throwing all this at them. More tests. More challenges to surmount. More pain. Sometimes it didn't seem fair. He tried to believe that God or the universe or whatever wouldn't be so cruel as to rob him of either of them. Not now.

Liv had woken up at some point, at least partially, and had been gazing at Noah. Will wasn't even entirely sure she'd really acknowledged he was there, especially in the dim light. It was well past dusk now and the only light in the room was what was flooding into the area from the light left on in the bathroom.

"Hmm," she mumbled again. "He's not feeling well. Leave him."

He reached out and stroked her hair a bit. She allowed a small smile and closed her eyes again at the touch.

"Well, I gave him the Zofran. I think he should be OK for the night. You sure you want to get in the habit of letting him sleep in our bed?" he said quietly.

She was usually so adamant that Noah not sleep in their bed. They didn't get much privacy as it was. She was fine with him lounging with them on a weekend morning and it wasn't uncommon for him to climb into the bed for story-time if they'd done his bath up there. But she always insisted that the bed was their space – her space. Noah had his own bed.

She was far more likely to take him back down to his bed, when he did appear at their bedside, and even end up falling asleep there with him while she tried to get him re-settled. There had really only been a handful of times when Noah had been particularly sick that she'd allowed him to sleep with them.

She caressed Noah's sleep-lax cheek again. "I want to take him tomorrow to his appointment. I missed him," she said quietly.

Will nodded and rubbed his thumb against her temple. "I know," he told her. "I'm being selfish. He's hogging all the cuddle time."

He heard her snort and she was giving him a fake annoyed look. He knew she liked hearing it, even though she was pretending not to. She went to reach for him – but it must've felt badly, because she put her arm back down and let out a small sigh.

"Move him over a bit," she said quietly after a few moments. "Come lay behind me."

He raised his eyebrow at her. An invitation to spoon? Usually when he cuddled up behind her, she'd only tolerate it for so long before he was getting elbowed in the ribs to let go of her and to get his crotch away from her ass. But he wasn't going to pass up the offer. He'd really only gotten to hold her hand and a few loose hugs since the shooting. He missed her warmth and her feel.

He stood from the bed and carefully moved Noah over a couple more feet to his side of the bed, rather than the middle. The boy stirred a little and settled into his usual sleeping pose with his ass in the air and his one hand flailed above his head while the other stuck out to the side. It never looked that comfortable to him – but it seemed to be Noah's favourite position.

Liv scooted herself over to the centre of the bed a bit, though rolled onto her back as she did so and clutched at her side. He looked at her from the side of the bed. With how she was laying now, he'd be getting in closest to her injured side and ribs. He wasn't sure that was a good idea.

"What's the best way for me to lay without making you more uncomfortable?" he asked.

She glanced at him. "You're going to sleep in that?"

"I didn't know we were going to bed," he admitted. He wasn't sure he was yet. He was so behind on work and he had the dean breathing down his throat about getting some proposals in. She was in her sleepwear. But she'd basically been in it since he got her home. "I thought we were just going to do some cuddling."

"Hmm," she mumbled again and tried to glance at the alarm clock. "What time is it?"

"Like 9:30," he told her.

"God, I've slept all day," she mumbled more.

He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her. "Well, you've still got a lot of heavy-duty pain killers working through your system, Liv. That will knock you out good. Your body needs the sleep to heal too."

Her hand fell onto the small of his lower back and she rubbed it, though it fell down with her continued lack of strength in that side, and she was mostly feeling up his ass.

"Yoda," she muttered at him. She always threw that crap at him when he said something that she thought was getting a little too daddy-day-care or philosophical for her.

He just shook his head at her and pushed some of her bed-tussled hair away from her face.

"Lay down," she told him seriously.

He did and got on his side to examine her. She was still laying on her back and she ran her hand across his forehead, examining his face for a while. And, then with a little sound, she rolled back onto her good side. He scooted forward and settled against her back and felt her press her back into his chest. But he fumbled trying to figure out where to put his arm, without ending up resting it against her bandages and cracked ribs.

She sensed it and lifted her elbow for him, wagging her lower arm through the hole.

"Here," she said softly, and he let her thread his arm through and adjust it in a way that was comfortable for her, pulling him near to his armpit under her arm and his hand up to her face. He settled his other arm under her head and rested his cheek in the crook of her neck, taking a deep breath.

"You smell good," he told her.

She snorted. "I smell like hospital. I haven't showered yet. I don't want to deal with changing the bandages."

"I'll help you."

"Mmm," she said, like she didn't really like that idea but had accepted that that was the way it was going to be at least for the moment.

They lay quietly for a while, though he adjusted and fidgeted. The positioning they were in wasn't that comfortable for him. But he didn't want to give up getting to hold her.

"You alright?" she asked him.

"Mmm," he just muttered back and adjusted his arm under her head, which was already starting to fall asleep and forced her to adjust her legs a bit, so he could twine his with hers in a more comfortable manner. His crotch pressed more firmly against her ass in the process, which wasn't what he was aiming at achieving.

"Don't get too restless and excited back there," she half-ways teased him. "Your son is in bed with us."

He snorted and forced himself to settle again, pulling himself slightly away from her rear.

He knew Liv wasn't a big fan of feeling his arousal pressed against her ass – even at the best of times. He wasn't anywhere near being up and running anyways. He was just happy to have her home and he knew sex would be off the table for a while – even if she decided she wanted it. He didn't want to do anything to hurt her or to risk busting her ribs again or collapsing her lung. He'd accepted that it was likely going to be at least about a month until sex was part of their routine again – if not more like two months.

He was OK with that. Their sex life was so interrupted with exhaustion and Noah that ruts and dry spells were part of their routine anyways. He didn't really care. If he could have lived a life of celibacy for years and then not have lost his mind as his feelings increased for Liv but she insisted on keeping them in the friendship dance for almost three years – he could manage now. He'd been attracted to her from the moment he saw her. It made that last stretch of his life without sex seem kind of long and infuriating. But, he survived that. He figured he could go a month or two without it now – especially since it meant it would still be with her. He still had her and he just wanted her to be healed and better and OK.

He put a kiss on her cheek and she sighed and settled against him more.

"I'm not up to anything, don't worry," he told her.

"Will …" she said quietly after another bout of quietness that had dragged on for minutes.

"Mmm," he mumbled back. He'd just been enjoying feeling her breathing. He could tell she was still thinking about it and he could feel her chest wasn't expanding as high – but it was rising and falling and that felt good.

"I really love you. I need you to know that," she said. "If anything were to ever happen to me. I want you to know that."

He heard her voice crack a bit.

"And, I really love you with my son," she said. "I'm just … really grateful to have you in his life … in our lives. And, I know I don't tell you enough and I know … sometimes I'm pretty bad at showing it too."

He kissed her cheek again. It felt wet.

"Don't cry, Liv," he told her and she moved her hand to swipe at the tears. "It's OK. I know. You show me and tell me more often than you think. I know. I love you too – and Noah. And nothing is going to happen to you. You're OK."

"Something could happen …", her voice cracked again.

He gave her another kiss and swiped at her tears himself. "Nothing is going to happen to you. You're tough. You know your stuff. You've got lots of good people around you. Everything is going to be fine. You're fine."

"You'll make sure he's OK, though, if something happens …"

He felt his own tears start at that and he moved his mouth against her neck as he tried to choke them back and he felt her shaking a bit under him.

"Liv, don't cry, you're going to hurt yourself," he whispered to her. "You know I'd take care of him. I love him. But you don't need to think about that. Don't think about it. We're all fine. You're fine. He's fine. We're all fine."

"It's just …"

"Liv, please, don't think like that. Not right now. We're all fine."

She gave a small nod and he stroked his thumb against her forehead and kissed her temple. She was still shaking against him and he knew she'd be coughing and clutching at her side soon.

"I love you," he told her. "You aren't going anywhere. You can't. OK?"

"I could've …" she said between near silent sobs she was trying to hold inside, only causing her to shake more.

"But you didn't," he told her. "God's not that cruel. He's just not. He wouldn't do that to me twice. He wouldn't do that to Noah after everything He's put that little boy through. He wouldn't do that to you. It's just not going to happen. You're fine."

"God doesn't exist, Will," she said. "We just tell ourselves that to make us feel better. Things just happen. Bad things happen."

He sighed against her shoulder and sucked up snot that he felt clogging up his whole head with his tears and choked a bit as it struck the back of his throat instead.

"Something exists, Liv. Maybe not God but something. My parents have been praying and praying and praying for us. We're all still here. That counts for something."

**POSTED A NEW STORY - THAT EXISTS ENTIRELY SEPARATELY FROM THIS SERIES: Hello, Goodbye. So check it out.**

**In other news. OK, people, unless there's a huge outcry, the next few updates you'll see from me are going to be focusing on some of my other stories in this series. Watch for a couple in Rollercoaster, also due to popular demand, you're going to see some updates in Complicated Happiness (ALREADY UPDATED). I've had a lot of requests to flesh out the early days of Liv getting to know Will. So I'll be dropping/replacing Ch. 9 in there (to return as a later chapter) and will be adding more context to the early weeks and months of their friendship and growing relationship. There's some chapters for Changes and Love You Forever coming up too - but aren't likely the next on the agenda for now.**

**Also, just as an FYI - you'll see some updates in my stories over the next couple days, but after that I'm going to be MIA for an unknown length of time. It may be a couple days, it may be a couple weeks. So you're going to see a gap in updates.**

**As always, feedback and reviews are always appreciated by comment or PM. Let me know what you think or what you might like to see in the stories**


	168. Chapter 168

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She'd been sitting on the bed half-listening to Noah as he splashed around in the bath tub and chatted at her. The truth was that all the pain medication they had her on had left her rather constipated and it was at the point that she was finding that rather uncomfortable. Not to mention, she had just ended the time span of when to pop the one painkiller. So she was at the peak of her pain and just waiting for the next one to start kicking in. It was feeling like it was taking ages. She was at the point that she was seriously considering the ramifications of taking some of Noah's laxatives and/or his anti-nausea medication. She knew Will wouldn't approve. She knew the idea was stupid. But God, she was uncomfortable – and the concept of going to the ER to complain about it and sitting there for hours was unappealing. Still, waiting until the next morning to deal with it didn't seem ideal either. She was supposed to be taking Noah into his chemo anyways. She didn't want to miss that – again. And, it was supposed to be Will's first day at attempting to put in a full day of work in the past two weeks. She didn't want to derail that for him either.

She sighed and gripped her side a bit more, willing the deep ache and the little shots of pain to dim again for that another four to six hours. Well, really, by the time the pill kicked in, it was more like two or three hours. But at least she spent most of that time sort of drifting in-and-out of consciousness. That normally pissed her off – but at that point in the day, she would happily take it.

She was thinking about calling up Will and telling him he needed to finish off bath time and bedtime routine. She needed to lay flat with the heating pad and just wait for this to pass. She wasn't doing so well at taking this like a man … or a woman … or whatever. She had kind of wanted to make an appearance at work, just to prove she was fine and to shove it in the NYPD doctors' faces. But two days home from the hospital and still about all she could think about was getting to the next time to take her medication. And, she supposed, she shouldn't be in so much of hurry. She still had doctors' appointments and rehab and her psych eval and being checked out by the work docs before she could even really argue anything about even being allowed to sit at her desk on ass-duty. She hated it. Well, when she was conscious and feeling semi-functional, she hated it.

"Mom, can you wash my hair?" Noah hollered at such a level, she suspected he'd already asked her a couple times and she hadn't given a response. She'd been so focused on trying to breath through the pain she was feeling at the moment.

But she forced herself to stand up from the bed, clutching her side a bit more and wandered to the open bathroom door. She looked in at him. He was still busy playing with one of his dinosaur squirters. It actually looked like he was working at getting one filled up with water.

"You better not be planning on squirting me with that," she warned him with some sternness but a bit of teasing to her voice.

He glanced at her and shook his head that that apparently wasn't the plan.

She wasn't sure when her bathroom – her quasi-sanctuary – had become his bath time space. But in the period she'd been in the hospital, it had clearly happened. His toys had been moved up there complete their storage bin. Not that they seemed to be making it back into there very well. Though Will had come and cleaned up on Noah's behalf when she'd complained about having to step over everything and not feeling up to bending over to do it herself.

Noah's basketball net was stuck above the faucet. His letters were across her wall. And he was defacing the space with his tub crayons – that never seemed to wipe off as easily as they claimed. Not to mention his little bath-time hooded towel was hanging on the back of their door.

It annoyed her slightly. Noah getting to take a bath in their room had been a bit of a treat; a special occasion, when he actually wanted more space or more time in the tub to play – they'd let him use their tub. It was bigger. But that had been happening so rarely anymore. He was a big boy – or so he told them. He usually opted to shower – at least on days that he wasn't getting treatment and was feeling well. Albeit, he really wasn't feeling well that night.

It was already clear that he was really going to struggle with the new drug in his chemo cocktail. But it was more that him using their bathroom had seemed to have become a bit of a habit. She was actually finding him a bit more clingy than usual. She was a little worried about it – or more-so worried about what her being hurt had meant to him and was meaning to him now. At the same time, though, she wasn't yet working to extract him from her bathroom. She really wasn't ready to let him out of her sight yet, anyways. She'd missed him so much and had spent near the whole time she was conscious in the hospital cursing herself about allowing something like that to happen when she had a little boy at home who needed her so much right now.

"I'm pretty sure you know how to wash your hair yourself, Noah," she nodded at him.

He really had hardly any hair right now to wash. Though, she supposed since they were putting cream onto his seeping blisters on his scalp, it was worth washing the area just to get all the caked guck out of there.

He looked at her again with big eyes. "But I don't want to it wrong and make it fall out, Mom."

She sighed at him. "Noah, we've talked about this. Washing your hair isn't what makes your hair out. We have the special, gentle shampoo – just for you. It's the medicine that makes your hair fall out sometimes. Your new medicine might make it fall out anyways. We'll know soon. And, even if it doesn't, sweetheart, until you're done treatment, there's going to be times your hair is falling out. There's nothing we can do about it."

He looked sad. "But you do it right," he told her at a near whine.

"And I've showed you how to do it," she said back. "You should at least try."

He shook his head at her hard.

"Noah …"

"It hurts," he said harshly.

"Noah, it hurts when some of the soap gets in your cuts. It's just a little sting. You know bigger hurts."

He shook his head hard again.

"You can see the cuts," he told her.

"That doesn't mean it hurts less, does it? It just means I see them."

"You do it," he told her.

"You want me to call Will to come and help you?" she offered.

He shook his head again. "No," he protested, "you!"

She sighed and went and sat on the toilet and looked at him in the tub. He hadn't gotten all the glue from where they'd taped down his lines that day on his arm or hand. Will had told her the last two days of chemo had resulted in all out crying and screaming matches as the nurses tried to get access to his port. The efforts had been so futile, they hadn't even been able to flush it for him or draw blood. Eventually, they'd just infused him via his vein instead. Though, it was something they were going to have to deal with – ASAP – if it wouldn't resolve. Olivia partially wondered if Noah was just putting on a bit of a show because it was Will who'd been taking him and he was more used to having her there with him at those types of appointments.

"Well, sweets, we're going to have to drain the tub and you're going to have to stand up – because Mommy is way too sore to be sitting on the floor or bending down. Are you done washing and playing?"

He splashed the dinosaurs around a bit more – squirting them at each other, but nodded at her.

"OK, give me the washcloth. You didn't get all your tape spots," she told him. He complied. "Soap too."

She readied the washcloth and then looked at him again – he'd gone back to playing.

"Scoot forward and give me your arm," she told him and he again complied.

She worked at trying to rub off the adhesive gently – trying to avoid the little bump and open wound where the IV needle had been stuck into him.

"What's going on with your port, sweets?" she asked him while she worked.

"It hurts," he told her.

"How does it hurt, sweetheart?"

He shrugged a bit.

"Does it hurt like before when you had to get a new one?"

He shook his head.

"So what hurts about it right now, Noah?"

"It feels funny when they try to use it and it hurts when it's going in."

"When the needle is going in or when the medicine is going in?"

"Medicine."

"How?"

"It feels hot."

"It doesn't usually feel hot?"

He shook his head.

"OK, sweets, well, we're going to see how you do tomorrow – but if it still hurts, we are going to see Dr. Covens or one of his residents and you're going to have to explain to them how it hurts. I can't do that, sweetheart. I don't have one. I don't know what it feels like or how it's hurting. So you need to speak up."

He gave her sad eyes again. She shook her head at him about that. "None of that," she told him.

"Chin up," she ordered and started to wash in the spots she knew he usually skipped as she finished getting the tape marks off him. She wiped down his neck and the back of his neck and behind his ears.

"Did you do your armpits?" She asked him. He nodded. "Your feet?"

"They're in the water, Mom," he huffed at her.

"You should still wash them. There's all sorts of nastiness between your toes."

"Toe jam," he informed her.

She nodded in agreement. "Toe jam. So here, do your toes. Do your ankles too." She handed the cloth back to him and watched as he worked at his feet. "I think you were just playing in here, not taking a bath," she told him and he glanced at her but didn't agree or disagree either way. "Did you do your butt and privates?"

He glared at her. "I'm sitting down, Mom. In water."

"You sit down in water when you're swimming and you still take baths, right?"

He huffed at her. "I do them in the shower."

She shook her head. "You wanted a bath tonight. You do them in the bath too. I'm going to put on a different shirt before we do your hair. You use some soap and do that, OK? I'll be back in a minute."

He huffed at her again, but he reached for the body wash and pumped some more soap onto the cloth as she was getting up from the toilet seat and heading back into the bedroom. She pulled off her top and grabbed one of Will's tshirts, because it was the first thing she saw. It smelled and looked like it needed to land in the laundry hamper anyways. It could deal with getting a little wet.

"Are you done?" she asked from outside the door before going back in.

"Yes," Noah told her, so she re-entered, but he was again back to playing with his toys.

"OK, sweets, are you ready to drain the tub?"

He looked up at her again like he had to think about it but shrugged. She sighed. He wasn't being that communicative that night. She knew he was tired and nauseated from his chemo but she wasn't feeling well either. She just wanted him ready for bed so she could cuddle with him for a few minutes and then hopefully she'd manage to get in a few minutes of quiet time with Will before the pills kicked in and she completely passed out too.

"Is that a yes or a no, Noah? Do you want to play a few more minutes? You've been in here a while. You're starting to get pretty wrinkly. Look at your hands."

He did – examining them front and back. They were puckered from the water.

"OK," he finally agreed. "I'll get out. I still get stories, though?"

She sighed. "Noah, when do you ever not get story-time?"

He shrugged. "Three?"

"Yes, Noah, two picture books and one chapter." She was actually secretly hoping that he'd fall asleep before that. She was already planning on giving him the Zofran and Gravol when she handed him his evening pills. That should knock him out in short order. Though, with all the extra fluid they'd pumped into him at chemo – she knew he'd be up, either to pee or puke or to report a mess that needed to be cleaned up. She was planning on letting Will deal with any of that, though.

He leaned forward and pulled the plug out of the tub and went to stand up but she stopped him.

"Just let it drain a bit, sweets," she told him. "I don't want you to slip."

So he went back to playing with the toys as the water slowly disappeared down the drain.

"OK, sweets, can you please, put the toys in the bin – so we aren't tripping on them in the morning."

He listened and did as was requested – now basically sitting in the empty tub as he worked at gathering his toys from the bottom of the tub and peeling them off the wall.

"OK, stand up," she told him, as he finished, and she used her good arm to pull the shower head down and tested the water until it felt nice and then wetted down the mess of duckling-down he had scattered on the top of his head. She actually kind of feared that as she washed it some of it would start coming out in her hands too. He flinched a little bit as the water hit some of the worse-looking sores on his scalp and she did her best to avoid the streaming hitting there directly and to keep her fingers from touching them too.

"Pass me your shampoo," she told him, spraying the water into the bottom of the tub as he leaned forward and grabbed the bottle of baby shampoo. He thankfully hadn't commented yet on the fact that it was for babies and he was a big kid now. She wasn't entirely sure what they'd get instead if he did. His NP had said they even recommended baby shampoo as hair started to grow back for adults.

She handed him the showerhead as he handed her the shampoo. "Don't spray it on me," she warned him seriously as she did so. He listened but instead ended up directing it at his crotch. She sighed and pulled his hand down so the water was spraying into the tub again instead. "Noah, don't do that either. That's for private time."

He gave her a look. "You said to wash."

She looked at him seriously. "And you already did. And I gave you private time to do that too."

He huffed at her and started spraying the water all over the bottom of the tub instead, like he was using the thing was a water canon hose instead. "It doesn't matter," he mumbled at her.

She sighed and sat back down on the toilet seat. "Yes, Noah, it does matter, and we've talked about this before. Private parts in your private time."

"You wash with Will in the room."

She put her head in her hands. She was hurting so much and her patience was so thin. "Yes, and you know that's not the same. At all. We've talked about that before too."

She sighed and looked back up. "OK, sweets, look at me." She waited for him to make eye contact, which seemed to take forever. "I need you to really listen, OK? You know how when you come home from the hospital – how you're tired and grouchy and don't feel very well?" He gave her a small nod. "OK, sweets, Mommy is really tired and really grouchy and I don't feel very well. I'm really hurting, sweetheart, and I know you're grouchy and not feeling very well right now too – but for the next while, I need you to try really hard to be co-operative and to listen, OK? We can't have back-and-forth conversations about things we've already talked about lots and we can't have our little arguments about doing something, OK? You just need to listen to me and do what I ask, please – because I'm your mom and I'm not feeling very well and my patience isn't very good right now. And I don't us to fight or either of us to hurt each other's feelings, OK?"

He looked like he was really considering her but he looked really sad. "Don't be mad, Mom," he said quietly.

She shook her head. "Sweetheart, I'm not mad at you. I'm just don't feel well and I want to go to bed too."

"You hurt lots Mom?" he asked.

She nodded. "I do hurt, Noah. I'm going to hurt for a while. I'm not going to feel very well for a while. I'm going to have lots of doctors' appointments too. I know it's a bad time because we've got lots of new things going on with your treatment and you don't feel very well either. But we're just going to need to figure out how to work through this together, OK? We need to be patient with each other and we need to co-operate, OK?"

"Where do you hurt Mom?" he asked, with some concern creasing across his face.

She gave him a sad smile. "Where I got shot hurts, sweets," she told him and put her hand on her side. "It makes my whole side hurt and my ribs and my lungs. It hurts when I move my arm. The medicine is making my tummy go all icky like yours too – and it's got my poops all screwed up too like yours, and that's just not very nice, right?" He shook his head for her. "Yeah," she sighed. "And the medicine is giving me headaches and making my mouth feel all icky and grimy and metallic. You know what that's like too, right?" He nodded. "It's not very nice. You deal with it much better than me, I think. I'm still getting used to it. Right now the medicine is mostly making me want to sleep too when it finally starts to kick in. It's all just ick."

"It will be OK, Mommy," he told her quickly.

She gave him a little smile and reached with her good arm for his hand that was closest to her. "I know, sweets. Thank you. You want to tell me how your new medicine is making you feel?"

He nodded.

"Yeah. How's your medicine making you feel, sweetheart?"

"It makes my mouth all metallic and gross too, Mommy," he said and she nodded, still looking at his little hand and the big bump and red mark there from the IV. "And it feels so hot and burny when it goes in."

"Does this bump and red hurt, sweets?" she asked him. He nodded vigourously. "Is it itchy?" He nodded more.

"It's red and itchy here too, Mom," he told her and lifted his arm on the side of his port, which was on the same side as where it looked like the line for his IV had eventually been put anyways. There was a rash running down the underside of his little bicep. She looked at it and touched it.

"You need to show and tell Daddy these things too, sweetheart, not just me," she said a little sadly.

"It tingles, Mom," he said.

She looked at him hard. "When they're putting it in or still now?"

"Both."

"Where?"

"In my fingers."

"Tingles or its numb?"

"What's numb?"

"Like you don't really feel it."

He shook his head. "Tingles."

She sighed. "OK, sweets. We're going to make sure we get to see someone in Dr. Covens' office tomorrow."

"It's making me pukey, Mom, and my poops are exploding."

"And you haven't been eating," she nodded at him.

He shook his head. "Because then I puke, Mom."

She sighed. "How are your pees, sweetheart?"

He shrugged.

"Are they yellow, Noah? Or are you seeing red or brown in it?"

He shrugged again.

"What about your explosive poops?"

"Black."

She looked at him hard again. "Black or dark brown, Noah?"

"Black."

"OK, Noah, the next time, you use the bathroom, pee or poops, you don't flush the toilet, so I can take a look at it."

He nodded.

"Look at me for a minute again, sweets," she told him and stood up and looked at his eyes, gently touching his face. She thought she could see a touch of yellow in them again, just at the absolute edge. She sighed hard – jaundice again, which could mean his liver was going out of whack again. Not something they needed.

"Sweets, if I make you a cup of hot chocolate or a smoothie when we go downstairs for story, will you try to drink it?"

He shrugged at her.

"How about a fruity tea with some berries and honey in it?"

He nodded at that suggestion.

She rubbed at his head and his mat of damp hair. "I'm sorry you don't feel well, Noah," she told him sincerely. "And I'm sorry I haven't been able to come to the hospital with you the last couple weeks."

"It's OK, Mommy," he said. "You're sick too."

She sighed and rubbed her thumb across his temple. "OK, sweetheart, let's wash your hair before you get too cold standing there. I'm going to show you again, OK? So how much shampoo do you use?"

"A quarter," he told her.

She nodded. "A quarter," she agreed, "but you've got so little right now I think we could probably do a nickel or a dime." She squirted some into her hand and put the bottle back on the edge of the tub closest to her. "How long do you rub it in?"

"One minute. Count to 60," he told her.

She nodded again. "Right." She started working it into his fluff and he jerked away from her a couple times. "Are those sores really bad right now, Noah?" He nodded. "We'll put some more cream on them before you go to sleep."

"You put your head back so it doesn't get in your eyes," he told her.

She gave him a smile. "Right again." She finished getting the lather going in his little bit of fluff and lifted her hand away. She could see some strands of hair in the suds that were on her hand and sighed a bit.

The doctor had warned them that this drug would likely cause hair loss. It also was likely going to have implications for his fertility when he did reach puberty. She'd agonized over that decision – but had decided there were other ways he could have children if that happened. Him getting well was more important than worrying about that right now. Though, she knew she was likely going to be worrying about and thinking about it for the rest of his life and trying to figure out how to explain it to him for the rest of his life – and hoping he'd agree she made the right choice.

"OK, give me the showerhead, sweets," she said and put out her hand to take it as he did lift it to her, managing to spray her a bit, though not purposely. She was glad she was in Will's stinky, dirty, going-to-the-hamper tshirt, though, and not her soft comfy sleep shirt. "So how long do I rinse this out, Noah?"

"Until it squeaks," he told her.

She gave him another smile. "See, I'm pretty sure you know how to wash your own hair, Noah," she told him. "I think you should try it yourself next time."

"But I'll make it fall out, Mom," he protested again, as she ran her hand through his fluff.

"Sweetheart, the drugs make it fall out – not you. Noah, the new medicine is going to make it fall out again. There's nothing we can do about it."

She squeaked the fluff between her fingers. "OK, Noah, check it yourself. You think it's rinsed yet?"

He reached up and found some hair and made the same movement she'd taught him and managed to get a squeak out of it too. He gave her a nod.

"Mommy, can you do the head spider?"

She snorted at him but did the massaging motion on the top of his head and Noah leaned into it. She didn't to it too long. She was aching – but enough for him to enjoy it and then reached over and switched off the water.

"OK, out of the tub," she told and turned around to grab his towel from the hook on the back of the door.

By the time she was back around, he was standing on the mat with his arms wrapped around himself like he was freezing. She dropped the hood over his head and sat back down on the toilet so she was more his height and ran her hands up and down his arms as he wrapped the towel around himself.

"Dry off your legs, sweets. I can't lean down to help you dry tonight. Then I want to look at your port for a second."

He listened to her and then stood back up straight and she pulled him forward slightly so he was standing between her knees and opened his towel a bit to look at the bump high on left-side of his chest. However they'd inserted the second port, it was sitting out a lot further and was much more prominent than his first one. She wished it hadn't gotten the blockage and infection. They'd never had any other problems with it. This one seemed to be constant problems. He was always in tears whenever they tried to access it and wailed when they finally did and rinsed it out for him.

"Is it OK if I touch it?" She asked after looking at the puckered skin and the redness around it. He gave her a little nod. "Tell me if it hurts when I'm touching it, OK?" He nodded again.

She ran her finger over it and he seemed OK, but as she put her middle and index finger over the red mark radiating down for it, he jerked away from her.

"Hurts," he told her.

She nodded. "OK," she said, and steadied him in front of her again. "Noah, I want to push down really gently on it too – like when the nurses do to put in the needle. You tell me if that hurts tonight."

He wrapped his towel tighter around him. "NO," he told her sternly.

"No?" she said back to him.

He shook his head. "No, Mommy."

She nodded. "OK, sweets. Can you lift that arm all the way above your head for me and then bring it all the way back down?"

He nodded to that and did it. She put her hand out and held his arm still. "I'm going to touch the port again. I'm not going to push. But you tell me if it hurts."

She ran her fingers across the skin, which was tighter now and he jerked again. "Mommy," he whined.

She let go of his arm and let him bring his arm down and pulled him to her into a hug. "I'm sorry, sweets. OK, we're going to talk to the nurses and Dr. Covens tomorrow. I promise. Make sure they make this better for you. But, I need you to tell Will better about things like this too – because I'm likely not going to be able to be at all your appointments for the next while. Sometimes I'm going to need to go to my own and this kind of stuff – your port hurting so much, tingling, black poops – you need to tell people, right away. OK, Noah?"

He nodded against her. "But you're sick too Mom and in the hospital."

She rubbed his back. "I know, sweets. But I still get to take care of you – and when I can't take care of you right away, Daddy can just as good, I promise, and Nana and Popa. You just need to tell them."

"But I want you Mom."

She brought a hand up to his head and rubbed it a bit. "I know, sweetheart. I want to be there too."


	169. Chapter 169

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"He's not eating the school lunches," she said to the back of Will's head. He'd been up off the couch and fooling around with the playlists at their stereo for ages. She had no idea what he was trying to do – but he certainly wasn't sitting with her and she didn't think he was listening to her.

"I don't know why we're paying for it, if he's not eating it," she tried again. He made another quasi-listening sound. "You aren't hearing a thing I'm saying, are you?"

He glanced over his shoulder. "Yeah, I am. Noah's not eating the Lunch in Schools meals. You don't know why we're paying for them. You're frustrated."

"Have you really looked at the menu calendar, anyways?" She said again, since he did seem to be hearing her. "They give them pizza every Friday. Chicken nuggets. Mozzarella sticks. Nacho day? Peanut butter and jam is the daily alternative if they don't like the meal. I wouldn't want to eat any of that either – and I'm not on chemotherapy."

"Yeah, but they also give them chicken and rice and veggies and salad and legumes. It's not that bad – and I'm more of a Nazi about that kind of stuff than you," he commented, glancing back at her again.

"It looks disgusting to me."

He shrugged. "OK. Well, it means we don't have to make him lunch. It's one less thing for us to do."

"It's not doing any good if he's not going to eat it, though. I'd rather take the time to buy the groceries and make him something that I know he'll eat than to be paying for him to eat deep-fried crap that he can't even stomach anyways. Maybe that's why he's on a puking spree."

"He's on a puking spree because of his new meds, Liv," Will said, still fooling around with the iPod.

"Well, I'm not paying for it next month. We're going back to packed lunches."

He shrugged. "Your call. You make his lunches anyways."

"I make this whole house's fucking lunches," she said.

He glanced at her. "You started that on your own, babe. I've never asked you to make my lunch."

"Whatever," she mumbled at him.

"Com'on, Liv. Don't be so grouchy. Calm down."

"These fucking pills don't work worth shit. They just make me constipated and my mouth feel like I sucked on a metal lozenge. Pain killer? I don't think so."

"So call your doctor and say these aren't working for you and they'll try you on something else."

"That will make me more constipated."

"But hopefully in less pain," Will said.

She made a sound.

"You know, if you tell them you're constipated, I'm sure they'll recommend something to help with that too. Give you a stool softener or something. Or maybe ask about Noah's lactulose. You want me to go over to the pharmacy and get you something for now?"

"No," she groaned.

He glanced at her again. "You just want to suffer and bitch at us?"

"Don't be an asshole."

"Don't be a stubborn ass," he told her seriously and finally stopped fiddling with the thing and came and sat down on the couch, gently pulling her feet into his lap and starting to rub them. She settled into the back of the couch more and gave him a small smile.

"Your feet are always so fucking cold," he commented as he worked at them. She decided not to shoot back any sort of remark this time and just watched him for a moment, enjoying the massage and the warmth of his hands. She started to calm with his movements as his thumbs worked into her soles.

"What'd Rob want?" she asked of his previous phone call he'd been on when she finally managed to emerge from getting Noah to bed.

"Mmm," he said, "to check how you're doing and to let us know that Jimmy's girlfriend had the baby."

She gave him a little kick. "You just let me talk about school lunches for five minutes and didn't feel the need to tell me that."

He shrugged. "You were talking. I was listening."

She rolled her eyes at him. "So what are the details?"

"The details?"

"Boy? Girl? Time of birth? Weight? Length? Name?"

"You really need that many details?"

"You're a crappy uncle."

He shrugged. "They'll send out an email with that kind of information for the women-folk. A picture for you to goo-goo gah-gah over."

She shook her head at him again. "There are times that I think, 'Gee, Will's really not your typical guy.' Then there are moments like this. Did you at least pick up on if it's a boy or girl?"

"Girl."

"Name?"

"Matilda. I kid you not."

She snorted. "Middle name?"

"Grace."

"Her surname or another McTeague?"

"Unknown."

"Rob and Karen excited?"

He shrugged. "I guess as excited as they can be from 3,000 miles away – with a kid who barely talks to them."

She gave a little sigh at that. "That must be hard for them. I'd hate if our relationship with Noah ever devolved into that."

Will shrugged again. "Ah, well, they've got four others that still sort of like them – when they aren't busy being teenagers."

"Are they going to go out and see them and the baby?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so, not right away, anyways."

"You should call Jimmy," she told him. "Give him congrats – and a pep talk. Tell him to be nicer to his mom and dad. He's a dad now – think about how'd he feel in 20-some years and Matilda is ignoring him when she has her first baby."

He snorted. "I'm not sure how much of a dad he's being based on some of the undertones of the conversation."

Olivia looked at him. "Really?"

Will shrugged again. "They aren't living together right now."

"That will be hard on Christie – with a newborn."

"She's at her parents'."

"And Jimmy's where?"

"The apartment. San Fran."

"Well, you should call and give him a talk about that too."

"What do I know about any of that? And how is it any of my business?"

"You're his uncle. He respects you. And that's not something you'd do to a woman or your child," she told him.

"If a woman decides she doesn't want you involved, you've only got so much say."

"That's not true – he has legal rights, if he wants to be involved."

"Didn't we just spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to get rid of the legal rights of Noah's dad?"

"You're Noah's dad," she told him sternly.

He gave her a look. "You know what I mean."

"This is different," she said. "They're friends. They live in the same city. I think he likely wants to be involved. He's a nice kid. He seems like a responsible kid. If he's going to be paying child support, he might as well fight for his right to see his baby too."

He shrugged. "I'll call him on the weekend," he eventually allowed.

She let it drop. It was pretty clear Will didn't feel that comfortable talking about it. Or more-so, he likely didn't want to get caught up in some sort of political or religious-views battle in his family.

"This is a fantastic album," she finally said after sitting quietly for a while and just enjoying the movements of his hands and the quiet music.

He gave her a little smile again. "Of course it is. I have fantastic taste."

She snorted. "I think I downloaded this."

He gave her an innocent shrug. "I picked it tonight."

She rolled her eyes at him again. "You know what would make this all even better?"

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"A glass of wine."

He laughed out loud at her. "Not happening with the drugs you have in your system, Liv."

"Maybe it will just make me feel the pain less and sleep better," she suggested.

He snorted. "We aren't going to test that hypothesis." He looked at her. "I'll offer you a dance, though."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "You want to do some living room dancing? Tonight?"

He gave her his twinkling eyes, which always moved them into end-game territory, where he usually won. "Yeah. We haven't for a while."

"You realize I'm sitting here in pain," she commented.

He shook his head and glanced down a bit. "Ah com'on, Liv. I'll be gentle. It's not like this is some sort of crazy dance album. I'm asking for a slow dance. Think of it as an extended hug."

"You could give me an extended hug here – on the couch."

He shook his head and gave her a 'nah' look and got up, offering her one of his hands. "Com'on. Moving a bit will be good for you. You've been flaked out all day."

"These pills have had me passed out almost all day," she commented, but accepted his hand and let him help her up.

She gripped her side again as she followed him around the coffee table and into their little open space at the far end of the living room that usually served at Noah's play area. When she'd taken Noah up for bath, his toys had still be strewn everywhere in the space, so it was pretty clear that Will had tidied the floor for him and tossed them into the toy box against the wall.

She'd pretty much decided that her son had been getting away with way too much while she'd been in the hospital. A lot of the rules seemed to have fallen by the wayside – for example, picking up his toys as the start of bedtime routine.

She didn't want to really think about the struggle that was going to be involved in getting him back in line. She certainly didn't feel up to dealing with it yet and she was getting the impression that Will was too exhausted to be dealing with it either, which she suspected was a major piece in the slide in the house's strictness. She was fairly sure Noah having Nana and Popa wrapped around his little finger didn't help either while they'd be there helping care for him.

"I get the waist," she told him, as they got in the area, and she wrapped her arms around him, resting them just above his ass. It was an almost comfortable position for her to have her arms in for the moment.

He snorted at her. "Is this the junior high dance? I think you're breaking some sort of rule, Liv."

"Tough."

He rolled his eyes. "So what rules do I have imposed on me? Where am I allowed to put my hands Ms. Congeniality?"

"No grabbing my ass. The dance monitors wouldn't approve. Leave space for the Holy Spirit."

He shook his head at her but gave her a smile. "Even a fucking bullet can't knock the smart-ass out of you."

She graced him with a smile but just put her head against his shoulder without comment.

"Well, I guess I'll play the part of the girl then and claim the shoulders. Since we both know who wears the fucking pants in this relationship anyways."

She smiled against his shoulder. "Nice to finally hear you admit it," she mumbled.

He shook his head at her. "Oh, I've known since day one who the boss was."

She snorted. "I hate you."

He put a kiss on her temple. "Hmm. I know. It's why you've kept me around." He rested his cheekbone against her temple as they slowly swayed to the music. "Let me know if anything starts to hurt too much or is too uncomfortable."

She nodded. "I will," she said quietly.

She wasn't planning to, though. Being with him felt so nice. Even a bit of aching was worth it to feel his warmth, and his heart against her and the rise and fall of his chest and his arms. To smell him.

She didn't know when she'd become so dependent on having a man in her life. It made her a little scared in some ways. Especially, as she realized she wouldn't be living her life the way she was currently living it without Will. Her career wouldn't be where it was. How she was able to raise her son wouldn't be the same. She sanity level wouldn't be the same. She happiness level certainly wouldn't be. She actually really didn't want to think about what her life would look like at the moment without Will. She'd still have Noah – but she had no idea what the rest of it would look like.

She wasn't sure she believed in love before Will. Or she hadn't for a very long time. At least not romantic love. She wasn't even sure if what Will and her had was romantic love. She loved him – but more than that he was her friend. He was such an ingrained part on her and Noah's lives now. In a way, she almost felt like he'd been there forever. Sometimes it was hard to remember when he hadn't been there. Other times it made her a little sad to think about all the time she'd spent not knowing him or having him in her life.

Before she wasn't sure she could ever really see herself married or with a man long-term. She wasn't even sure if she thought she could even really trust a man – really. And now, here she was.

She moved her head a bit and caught his eye. He gave her a questioning look – a bit of concern creasing across his forehead. But she leaned in and caught his lips in a kiss and he readily accepted. They seemed to kiss for about two songs, if not longer. His one hand was playing with her hair, positioning her a bit, while his other hand kept massaging her shoulder and rubbing her upper back a bit. She'd felt him drop it lower a couple times, but he must've realized the movement and been concerned he'd knock her in some uncomfortable way and he kept moving it back up.

His lips felt so soft against hers but so firm in their want. Like always, he was being a tease with his tongue but was meeting her needs and finding her with each move, even when she started playing little games back in response to his teasing exploration. She could feel him smiling into it, which made her smile too, and she reached up with her good arm and stroked his cheek.

Finally, she broke away. The shared and circular breathing was getting to be a bit much for her tired lung no matter how much she was enjoying it. He gave her another smile as they fully met eyes again and she put a small peck on his chin before turning her head and resting her cheek back against his shoulder.

"You're a really good kisser," she told him quietly.

He snorted but even in it she could again feel his body language smile and he put a kiss on the crown of her head before resting his cheek there again.

"I think we should get narcotic painkillers into you more often. You let lots of little tidbits slip when you're stoned."

"I'm not stoned," she mumbled. "You just don't know how to take a compliment."

"Pot. Kettle," he told her.

She shook her head against him. "Fine, I'm surprised you even know how to kiss. Mr. I've-Been-With-Four-Women. Better?"

He snorted. "Ah, just because I've only slept with four women – only two of you that mattered, I might add - you're sadly mistaken if you think I've only graced four ladies with these magical lips."

Now she snorted. "Mmm, this is a great way to ruin a special moment. So how many women do you think you've shoved your tongue down their throats, Will?"

He smiled into hair. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe five."

She stifled a laugh against his shoulder. "Well, I don't believe that either."

"Mmm, you can believe whatever you want, Olivia Benson."

"I don't understand why you had such bad luck with dating," she mumbled, starting to think maybe he was right about her being slightly stoned on all the meds.

"Women are terrifying," he commented.

She glanced up at him. "Yeah, really, really scary."

"Well, you're terrifying."

She shook her head at him. "Thanks."

He gave her another kiss on the temple as she set her head back down. "I love you anyways." He was quiet for a minute. "I don't know. You know me. I'm just … kind of shy … or awkward … in social situations where it's people I don't know."

"You stand in front of lecture halls every day. You do talks for Wall Street CEOs and tech firms."

"You know that stuff makes me nervous too. At least the luncheon and conference crap. The lectures are different. I'm in like a position of authority or whatever there. It's kids."

"You do OK at your fundraising receptions too."

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'm not some scrawny teen or 20-something anymore. I'm a bit more comfortable now. But still."

"You could've had all the girls you wanted," she mumbled again.

"I did have all the girls I wanted. Right now I have the woman I want. I did fine."

"I love you," she mumbled more against him. He only responded by resting his cheek against her head again. "You know, you're the first man I've been with who's been younger than me, I think." She thought for a moment. "Maybe second. He was actually my age, I think, also a rarity. But whatever, he wasn't anything either way."

"You are doped up to be blabbing about this to me," he commented.

"Sorry," she said and felt bad. She knew he didn't like to hear about or know much about any of her other relationships. Or maybe more specifically, her sex life, since there had been men but not really much that could've been classified as a relationship. At least not many that could be called worthwhile.

"It's OK," he said, though. "So what, you have a thing for older men? That's sort of new information. Hope I'm not at some sort of disadvantage here. We're doomed from the start?"

"I had daddy issues. Or a lack-of-a-daddy issue. Not specifically a thing for older men," she said, probably a little too honestly and she felt him move his head and watch her again for a moment but he settled back against her.

"You aren't at a disadvantage," she said quietly. "You're the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I was clearly picking the wrong guys for most of my life."

"Hmm," he said. "Good thing you had Noah to pick me for you then. He has awesome taste in men for his mom."

She smiled and put a kiss on his shoulder. She was always teasing him that she didn't have much say in the matter. Will wouldn't take a hint and Noah had decided he was perfect long before she'd made a decision either way. Basically, she was stuck with him, thanks to her son. It was a joke. But it was kind of true too.

She really doubted that Will would've been the kind of guy she would've paid much attention to before she had Noah. She likely would've been a lot more forceful with him in booting him out of her life before she was a mother too. Not to mention, just the whole sequence events that saw her moving in next to him likely just would've never have happened.

"I was thinking in the hospital that just a few years ago, if this had happened, I wouldn't have had anyone there for me. I'd have been alone."

He looked at her again and moved his one hand to stroke her hair. "That's not true. You have lots of people who care about you – and who would've been there for you and taken care of you."

She shook her head. "Not really."

"Elliot. Don."

"The guys? They're family – but they're work colleagues," she said. "I think about it now and … I told myself for years that that was alright. That they are my family, that them and my job was all I needed. I was lying to myself. It makes me sad to think about."

"Then don't think about it, Liv," he told her softly. "That's not your reality anymore. They do care about you a lot. They are your family – and that's important. But you've got lots of other people who care about you now too."

She nodded and listened to the music some more, mouthing some of the lyrics against his shoulder, and just enjoying their slow motions. They really weren't doing much of anything beyond standing and holding each other and slowly swaying in a small circle. She wasn't sure she'd even define it as dancing.

"How much have your parents asked about my family?" she asked after a while.

He shrugged. "Not much. They know you don't have family."

"I can't see your Mom not playing 20 questions. She's played 20 questions with me on the topic."

He smiled a little. "Well, I have years of experience at dodging her questions. I didn't think you'd want me telling them your life story, Liv. Don't worry. Your private business is your private business."

"What have you told them?"

"Mmm," he put his cheek back on her head. "That your mom passed away. That's about it."

"That didn't about bring more questions?"

"Likely. But I don't play that game, Liv, you know that."

"Did they ask about my father?"

"Mmm. Yeah. I think so. I think I told them at some point that it was just you and your mom."

She sighed a bit. "They must think I'm very like mother, like daughter … with Noah."

"Who gives a fuck what they think?"

She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "I guess I kind of do."

"You shouldn't," he told her. "Us knowing that it was extremely different circumstance is enough. And there was nothing wrong at all with you deciding to be a single mother. Beyond that, Liv, they love you and they fucking adore Noah."

She snorted. "You're exaggerating slightly."

He shook his head against her, rocking her cheek against his shoulder. "I'm not. I'm actually pretty sure Dad likes you more than he likes me."

She laughed at that. "That's a definite exaggeration."

"Oh, I don't think so," he smiled at her. "Me bringing home a cop – another first responder. I don't think I could've done much better in his eyes. Plus you're beautiful and you're smart and fucking funny and you've got the most amazing little boy. What's not to like?"

"Mmm," she mumbled.

"My parents really care about you, Liv. Really," he told her. "You're part of the family now. Don't doubt that. And … this … us … Noah … just everything … I think it's helped my parents grow a lot too. They've been a lot less judgmental and accepting than I would've ever expected from them. You've really helped me heal my relationship with my family. And, I feel like you must've really struck them for them to be able to be that way too."

She glanced up at him and then moved and gave him another small kiss before resting her forehead against his. "I always wanted a family."

"Family's important," he agreed. "You're stuck with us now."

She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder more. "I love you," she said quietly again.

She'd been feeling the urge to tell him frequently since the shooting. She felt kind of ridiculous saying it so much. It wasn't in her character. But she just couldn't stop. She wanted to make sure he knew. She didn't want him to doubt it or to feel like he loved her more than she loved him. She'd spent so much time in the hospital bed just thinking about Noah and Will and her life and her work and her family and everything and just trying to figure out how it all worked – or didn't work. But it all just kept coming back to Noah and Will – and Will and Noah.

"I think my Mom would've kind of hated I was getting married."

She could feel him roll his eyes without even seeing it. "Since when do you care what she'd think?"

She sighed. "I think part of problem has always been I cared a little too much about what she thought."

"Well, Liv, she's not around to have an opinion anymore. So you should try not to worry about it so much," he nearly sighed out.

She got quiet and gave a small nod against him.

"So what? You don't think I'd meet her approval?" He asked, clearly sensing she wanted to talk more and not liking how his response had silenced her.

She smiled. "I actually think she would've liked you. Or at least liked you're a professor, an intellect."

He snorted. "A professor I am, an intellect I am not."

"You're pretty fucking smart, Will."

"But I'm not one of these … whatever … a Columbia professor. Snotty, cigar smoking, tweed jacket wearing, potentiating."

She smiled up at him. "Oh, so you did meet my mother. Or at least some of her male counterparts."

He gave her another kiss and they lingered in soft, light kisses, joining and parting several times.

"So why'd she hate you were getting married then?"

"Strong, independent women don't need a man, Will."

He snorted. "I have no illusions that you need me," he told her. "But I like to delude myself into thinking that you enjoy having me around."

She tapped her ear against his chest a couple times. "I do like having you around. A lot. And, I do need you, Will."

He looked at her. She wasn't making eye contact at that comment, like she was almost embarrassed to admit it. So he just put a kiss at her hairline. "And you're still the fucking strongest person I've ever met in my life – and you're always going to be infuriating independent. You can be independent and still have people in your life, Liv."

She nodded again and fell quiet for the rest of the song. "I love this song," she told him quietly as it neared the end.

"Stubborn Love?" he asked. "Sounds like someone I know."

She smiled against him. "I hope I wasn't quite as bad as the woman in the song."

He met her eyes. "Nah. Though I think I did have to stand on your porch and scream it out loud a lot – and refuse to leave."

She snorted. "Can't be told it can't be done?"

"Aaah, ah," he joked back.

"Is this an inappropriate song for the first dance?"

"I don't think any song is inappropriate if it's one that means something to us," he said. "I thought you wanted to do You! Me! Dancing!, though – with Noah too."

"I can hardly move. I can't dance to that right now."

"You might feel differently in a few weeks," he told her.

"Not that differently," she sighed.

"Mmm," he rubbed his cheek against her head. "Then I think Stubborn Love is likely a good choice. I like it lots too. I just think we should play this whole album for them."

"We so aren't ready for this thing," she mumbled.

He sighed. "Liv, you need to explain to me more about what you're stressing about there. We're keeping it casual."

"There's still things that are expected of us, Will. It's casual. But it can't be … whatever … a kegger that we happen to say some vows at."

"OK," he said. "Let's sit down. Tell me more about what we still need to do."

She let him lead her back to the couch and after he settled into the one corner and propped his legs up on the coffee table, she lay down, leaning against him and twining her fingers with his.

"So shoot," he said, after they'd sat for several minutes with her just examining their joined hands.

"I'm going to fall asleep like this."

"If you do, I'll cover you up," he said. "But first start telling me what you want us to get down for this thing still. We've got the place, the clothes, the food, tables and chairs, music and a sound system, lighting, some woman to do the ceremony. What are we missing?"

"We haven't really talked about the cake."

"I thought we talked about cupcakes."

"We haven't figured out how we're going to do that yet. Do we need to bake them ourselves? Do we want to pay someone to do it? Is that in our budget? Is there even time to book that at this point?"

He tapped their hands on the top of the couch. "OK. Good point. What else?"

"We need space heaters or something. It will get cold after it gets dark."

"Dad got the permit for the bon fire."

"Will, com'on. The kids will go over and do the S'mores and the fire thing – the grown-ups? Not so much. Not if they are in dress clothes. They aren't going to want those all smoky. And even if they did, like 50 people can't get warm around a little fire."

"It's a bon fire."

"Still."

"OK. What else?"

"Seating plans."

"We could just let everyone sit wherever they want. Let them sort it out amongst themselves."

She shook her head. "No. That's our responsibility – and technically we should make up little cards or some sort of placeholders for the tables too. And a menu thing for each table – in case there are allergies."

"Liv we know the people. We'd know if there were allergies. And it's like a smorgasbord barbeque. If they don't like something they can eat something else."

She shook her head again. "Will, most of the older kids are bringing others. We don't know their dietary needs. They need to be able to talk to us, or your parents or the caterers, if there's something that concerns them on the menu."

He sighed. "OK. What else?"

"We technically should have some sort of wedding favours to give out at the end or to have on the tables."

"Like what?"

"I have no idea. But we should. And, we should generally have some decorations too."

"Dad is putting up lights in the backyard."

"Well, we should likely do a bit more than that. Not go crazy. But … something."

He tapped their hands on the top of the couch a bit more and thought about it.

"There's what we're doing after it too. We're going to be drinking and we're going to be tired and it's likely going to be late. But I really don't want to be sleeping in your childhood bedroom in your parents' house. That's just a little too …"

"That would be something special, Liv," he smiled down at her.

She shook her head at him. "Yeah, special is right."

"Want to sleep at one of my brothers' places?"

She snorted. "No."

He gave her another smile. "We could always take a cab back here."

"That sounds special too."

He rubbed the back of his fingers across her one cheek. "We're likely both just going to want to sleep anyways."

"Of course. Why would we want to do anything else on our wedding night?"

He gave her another little smile and caressed her face some more. "You know something like 52 per cent of newly weds don't actually have sex on their wedding night. You're going to be tired. Beyond that, you're going to be barely five weeks into your recovery, Liv. You may not even be green-lighted yet."

She sighed and shook her head. "Let's just not get into that aspect of it right now. That's just … whatever … upsetting … frustrating … depressing. So fucking us. But, right now, just … we need to figure out where we're going to sleep that night. Where Noah's going to sleep that night. That's all I meant."

"OK," he said and paused for a moment. "I think I should clear an afternoon next week and we should rent a car or borrow a car and go to some of the craft shops or bridal shops or bakeries or whatever – and get some of this stuff sorted then."

She nodded. "Yeah. That's a good idea"

"I also think you should let my parents come over one day this week or this weekend and talk to them about what we need done and what you want – and let them help."

She sighed.

"Liv, they're retired. They have nothing better to do with their time. And, they want to help."

"They've already helped lots. And, they have lots better to do with their time, Will. They keep very busy. And, I don't want your Mom … taking over."

He leaned over more to meet her eyes. "Liv, she hasn't taken over yet. She's giving us our space in this. Let her help. They've known you long enough and understand you well enough – that they know not to push it. And, I'll have Dad come along so she doesn't overstay her welcome."

"That only works so well," she mumbled.

He sighed and rubbed his thumb across her hand.

"Babe, I'd really appreciate if whether you want to let them help or not, you call them and invite them over for an afternoon in the next few days. They're really concerned about you – and they'd really like to see you up and out of the hospital bed and at home. They really helped a lot while you were in the hospital. They love you. And they want to see that you're OK. And, I'd really like if you'd give them that much – and maybe said thank you."

She looked up at him. "I do appreciate that they helped," she told him.

He nodded. "I know. But I think a good way for them to know would be to let them see you're doing OK right now – and to tell them yourself."

She sighed and rubbed her cheek against his stomach where her head was resting. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. It's OK. I know getting settled back home is hard and Noah's got his chemo going on this week. It's busy. It's stressful. You aren't feeling well. You're you. You need time. But they're trying, Liv. They care about you and Noah so much. I know you're hurting a lot right now and have a lot going through your head – but please try to give back a little to them."

She nodded. "You're right. I will. I'll call in the morning."

He gave her a thin smile. "Thank you. If you can sit up, I'd kiss you again."

She snorted. "That sounds like a bribe."

"I'd never bribe a police officer."

She gave him a smile and fumbled a bit to get upright and then found a pillow to put between them to protect her side before leaning in. He smiled at her.

"I love you," he told her again.

She caressed his cheek. "I was promised kisses from these supposed magical lips, not more declarations of love."

"Mmm," he agreed and placed a small peck on her lips. "Better?"

She gave him a small smile. "Still not what I expected. But I think I'm too tired to protest."

He leaned in again and gave her another kiss, waiting for her to open her mouth to him and then deepening it. He enjoyed it until she pulled away, which happened sooner that time than before. But he could tell her was fading.

"Are you going to sleep in the bed or down here?" he asked.

"Mmm," she rolled her forehead on his shoulder. The drugs were finally starting to work and it was becoming an increasing challenge to keep her eyes open. "You know Noah is likely going to be up and down tonight?"

He nodded. "Yep. I can sleep down here, if you want, so he isn't waking us both up."

She shook her head. "Are you going to come up to bed soon, though?"

He glanced over at the clock by the stereo. It was barely after nine. It seemed to be becoming her bedtime during all of this. Though, he supposed visitors' hours at the hospital ended at 8:30 and between boredom and the drugs, she'd gotten into a routine where there wasn't much to do after that point beyond sleep.

He put another kiss against her temple. "I really do need to do a bit more work tonight, Liv. I'll probably be up in a couple more hours. I'll hopefully deflect Noah's first wave of attack."

She nodded. "Can you come up and help me with the bandages first? It feels all bunched and uncomfortable."

"Yeah. Here, let me see," he said, and moved the pillow and lifted the side of her shirt. She actually let him. She was becoming a bit more agreeable to taking the help. The bandaging did look all clumped on the one side. "I'm going to peel it off," he told her and she just nodded at him.

Her whole side still looked so bruised to him and as he peeled back the bandages, it looked even more bruised and puckered angry red. She flinched a bit as he pulled the adhesive and gauze away from her skin.

"It doesn't look like it's seeping, Liv," he told her and she looked at it some more, rubbing her fingers of her opposite hand up the side, though it caused her to flinch some more. "You want to leave the bandages off for the night and let it get some air? It might be more comfortable."

She shook her head. "Doctor said to leave the bandages on for five days. At least. And it gives it more padding too if I accidentally roll over onto that side."

He gave a nod and stood up, offering her his hand again. "OK, let's go play doctor."

She gave him a smile. "This is never what I thought playing doctor looked like."

"Playing doctor is far to perverted in your line of work. Com'on," he said. "Let's get you fixed up and to bed."


	170. Chapter 170

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Noah, Noah Balboa," Dr. Covens said in his usual greeting with a smile painted across his face as he entered the room – and pulled up a chair, planting himself in front of her son and looking at him with a serious face then.

Olivia had known they were getting more than the requested drop-by by the oncologist when they'd put them in one of the actual private exam in the chemo area – rather than setting them up in one of the chairs in the usual chemo bay, just pulling a curtain around them for any privacy they wanted. She'd been comforted to know she'd be actually getting some one-on-one time with the doctor without having to book an appointment. But his apparent willingness to voluntarily see them for more than the usual little drop-in every now-and-again if he happened to be doing rounds in the chemotherapy unit while Noah was receiving his treatment, had her a little concerned that more might be up then what she wanted to discuss with him.

"So what's up Big Guy?" Covens said to Noah, still looking at him very seriously and having given her little more than a smile and a nod so far. "I hear you're having more trouble with that port again."

It was true. The oncology nurse had again tried to access it and Olivia had got to witness the wailing. The nurse hadn't put much effort into trying after Noah's tears started and had just told Olivia that she'd been told to infuse her son via whatever vein they could get that day, if they couldn't easily get at the port. She'd nodded in agreement at that idea. But hadn't realized that the nurse couldn't use the arm that blood had been drawn from before they came over to the chemo. She'd gotten so use to them just taking his blood work out of the port too that she'd forgotten about that. So that meant that the line ended up going in Noah's dominant side – and worse still, the nurse hadn't been able to get a vein to pop in his arm so she'd ended up threading it into Noah's little hand.

There'd been more tears and Noah had cried at her, "Mommy, it hurts. It burns." She always ended up feeling so helpless when he was hurting like that and there was nothing she could do to make it better – beyond be there and to try to comfort him. The line taped against his hand had meant that any colouring or other crafts she'd dragged along with them for the four-hour ordeal were pretty much out. Noah had tried but the movement and the tugging on the line had just made him whimper and complain of more discomfort.

He was still complaining about the burning sensation – but the nurse had said that was normal for some of the drugs in there, and with having to drip it into such a fine vein in a sensitive location. Still, she'd adjusted the rate of the drip a bit – though, warning it would mean they were going to be sitting there longer. Olivia wasn't thrilled about that but she also didn't want her little boy feeling like his hand was "on fire" for four hours. She supposed sitting there five or six hours was worth it, if it made a little bit easier for him.

They'd settled into watching the first Toy Story movie on the iPad. She couldn't even guess how many times they'd already watched the movie – but Noah seemed content – and it looked like Will had the next two still on the thing. So, she figured, if Noah was happy to just watch movies – they might be able to put in the session without too much trouble. She might even be able to drowse through some of it too. The pain medication still had her a little loopy and sleeping remained high on her list of priority. But really, the new treatment drug added to the mix seemed to be putting her son through the wringer anyways – and she sort of hoped that he might decide he wanted to just take a bit of a sleep too. They had their own room. He actually had a bed in addition to his chemo chair. It was quiet. They could both use the rest.

Noah pointed at her, not answering Covens' question at all. "Mom got shot," he declared.

Covens glanced at her with a questioning look.

She shrugged. "I got shot. We've been having some extra special hospital time lately."

He jerked his head back a bit in almost shock and examined her some more. "Are you alright?"

She snorted out a small laugh and shrugged again. "I'm managing. I'm still a little sore."

"Where were you hit?"

She touched her side. "Three fractured ribs. Punctured and collapsed lung. Got lucky."

He shook his head. "I suppose. Depending on how you define lucky."

She shrugged and squeezed Noah's little knee, giving him a small smile. "Could've been a lot worse."

Covens nodded. "You weren't treated here, though? I imagine I would've heard about that."

She shook her head. "Over at Mercy. Nine days in. This is the third day home."

Covens snorted. "And you dragged yourself in here?"

"Oh, I wouldn't miss getting to watch Toy Story in our private screening room here, would I, sweets?" she smiled at Noah.

He shook his head. "We're watching Toy Story," Noah told Dr. Covens.

The doctor gave him a little smile. "That is one of my favourites too. To infinity … AND BEYOND!"

Noah lit up and nodded readily. "We went on the Toy Story ride and you get to shoot lasers – even though they were kind of like guns. But it's just a game."

Covens looked at him again. Noah wasn't usually so chatty with him and she saw the doctor allow her son a larger smile. "You mean on your Florida trip in the winter?"

Noah nodded some more. "You don't play with guns, though, because people can get hurt."

Covens nodded in agreement. "People can get shot," he said and glanced at her. "Well, I'm glad to hear and see you're alright."

She offered him another small smile. "Getting there."

"Rehab?"

"Rehab, appointments, off-work. Psych eval hoops and union and HR paperwork trails. The gambit."

Covens gave her another small smile and shook his head. "You guys just keep rolling snake eyes, don't you?"

She shrugged. "Win some, lose some."

"Well," Dr. Covens said and slapped his hands against his knees and glanced between her and Noah. "I've got a few things I want to discuss with you. Let's see how we can roll with them."

She nodded. "OK."

"This port. I don't think it's working for us. I've been told we haven't even been able to get it flushed out for him this month – so I think we should pull it out of him."

She let out a bit of a sigh and looked at Noah. She wasn't that excited about him having to go through another surgery - however minor.

"So what do you think?" Covens said. "You just want to call it quits with the port or we going to see how we go with number three?"

She rubbed at her eyebrow. "Well how come we didn't have any problems with the first one and this one has just been constant issues?"

Covens gave her a small shrug. "I can't give you a real answer on that. It's just sometimes how these things go. His body just decided it didn't want to co-operate this time around."

"So what are the chances that will happen again if we put in another one?"

He shrugged again. "Could go either way. But, generally, people don't have too many problems with these kinds of ports. Hopefully the third time's the charm with him. But, if you want we can just play out his treatment without a port at this point too."

"His veins aren't very good," she said.

Covens nodded and glanced at Noah. "They aren't great. It's a bit of trade-off. You guys will have to deal with that. But with the port out, the ER protocol in terms of his fevers, etcetera - that threshold is going to rise for you and hopefully we can cutback on some of those frequent flyer miles you've been logging lately. It might help with some of his counts too. I'm hoping we'd see some of the constant little blips we're seeing come more under control. I suspect some of it is related to minor infections his body is trying to fight in relation to this port that's not co-operating."

"But that might not even be an issue with another port? It might be fine, like his first one?"

Covens nodded and shrugged. "Hopefully."

He looked at Noah. "How you doing there Big Guy? You like getting your infusions like this or you prefer getting them through your port?"

"It burns," Noah told him.

Olivia looked at Covens. "This new drug you have in here now – he's been complaining this cycle that he's having burning sensations at the IV site and tingling in his fingers too."

Covens nodded. "Yeah, those are normal side effects with this particular drug we've got in there for him now. He'd experience the warm sensation if we were doing it via the port too – but it's likely more pronounced than what he'd be used too because of how we're having to infuse him this month."

He looked at Noah again. "Beyond that, Noah, which do you like better?"

"The port hurts," he almost whined.

Covens nodded. "I know Big Guy but we're trying to decide if we're going to get you a new one. But we're going to get that one out of there for you to get rid of that ouch. You want to try a new one?"

Noah shrugged – so he looked back to her.

"OK. Well why don't you take a couple more days to think about it and talk it over. But let's make the arrangements to get this one pulled for now."

She nodded. "OK."

It actually wasn't OK. Her stomach had flip-flopped so much the last time they pulled Noah's port. They didn't even put him out for it. They'd just numbed the area and then made the incision and pulled it out. Noah had sat there watching the whole thing – cut, blood and yanking the thing out of his body – and all. He'd hardly even flinched. She'd seriously thought about puking. She could deal with blood – but there was something about threading tubing in and out of people's bodies, their viens and arteries, that just didn't sit well with her. She couldn't imagine sitting there and watching the 30-minute procedure with the same amount of interest that Noah had. To her it was just another sign of what a fucked up childhood her boy was having. That seemed perfectly normal to him. In what universe was that normal?

She rubbed at her eyebrow again. "Ah, what sort of turn around are you thinking on this?"

Covens shrugged. "Hopefully before the end of the week. Let's get it out of there. Maybe we can even get it done for you today. We'll have to see if there's a pediatric radiologist available. We won't be able to get the other one in the same day, though, if that's the route you decide. We'll be putting him out again for that."

She nodded. Another aspect of all of this that she hated.

"But, that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about," he said.

She raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"I know he's struggling with the new protocol we've got set up for him. And, I know he hasn't been the most co-operative patient for his previous lumbar punctures."

She nodded and rubbed at her eyebrow. "Yeah, well, I don't blame him."

Covens gave her a small smile. "I'd like to admit him to the hospital for his first spinal tap, Olivia. Put him out for the procedure. Keep him upstairs for a few days to see how he's doing and to do a bit of testing while we've got the drugs just into his system."

She sighed and looked at Noah. He seemed too engaged in watching Toy Story to really be paying attention. At least that meant he wasn't getting agitated by it right now and she could deal with really breaking the news to him at home and closer to the time.

"When would this happen?"

"Well, I'd like to give him some time to bounce back from this cycle – so …" he shook his head back-and-forth like it was thinking about it. "About two weeks?"

She did some of the math in her – envisioning the calendar – and sighed harder. "And how long will he be in the hospital?"

Covens shrugged. "I'll likely book him for four days. Get the procedure done on the first day and then keep him in for three days of observation and testing. We'll book him to get the port put in while he's here too, if that's what you decide you want to do. We'll keep him for a bit longer depending on how he's doing with the drug – or if there's any complications."

"Should we expect complications?" she asked a little harshly.

"Well, it will be the first time he's getting that particular drug into him, Olivia, and his body seems to take a lot of time to adjust and adapt and cope with these things. So, I'd say, that, yes, you should expect him to at least experience some of the common side effects of the drug. And, you have to remember, that this is being injected directly into his nervous system. How his body reacts and copes are going to be different than with these other treatments. His back is probably going to bother him for a day or so after too.

"I think it's prudent we do this first one in-patient. We'll see how he does and coach him a bit more leading into the next one – and hopefully we'll be able to get into day-surgery or even out-patient for him. If we can get him really comfortable with it – hopefully eventually we won't even have to put him out. He's really borderline in terms of age for doing that. But he's just not that co-operative yet. He's scared."

She nodded. "Yeah." But then she sighed and shook her head. "Will and I … our wedding is Oct. 20. That's going to be really hard to reschedule at this point. And we'd really been hoping he'd be functional and well enough to enjoy the day. He's a big part of the ceremony. It's his day too."

Covens looked at her and gave her a smile. "I didn't realize. I thought you two already …"

She nodded and shook her head again. "Yeah, we are. We just … didn't do a ceremony or a reception or anything at the time. We've had … things going on."

Covens gave her another smile. "You have had things going on," he agreed. He examined the floor and tilted his head from side-to-side again. "Mmm, well, let's see if we can get you in mid-next week then? At least it will give him a bit of bounce-back time from this cycle. And, that should give us all some padding and him some extra time to get back on his feet."

She didn't like that idea. She had her own slew of appointments next week – and some meetings she needed to go into work for too. Not to mention wedding crap. But it was what it was. Noah and his health took precedent. The rest would just have to sort itself out.

She gave a little nod. "OK," she allowed.

Covens allowed her a weak smile and glanced at Noah, who still seemed preoccupied. "Well, lastly, hopefully I have some kind of good news for you," he started and she looked up from where she'd been examining the floor, already thinking about how to juggle her and Will's schedules to manage their son being in the hospital again.

She hated not being at his bedside while he was in the hospital. That just wasn't going to happen. She was going to have get on the phone with her doctors and figure out what the hell to do about her appointments. She knew Will wouldn't be happy about her even wanting to try to rearrange some of them, though. She could already her him telling her that he was just going to have to be enough for Noah while she was at her appointments. But there was no way she was going to miss either of the actual procedures – the spinal tap or the port insertion, which she was leaning towards trying again. She'd fight it out with Will if she had to. They were due for another yelling match and cold-shoulder night anyways. They might as well get at least one more in before the wedding.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Noah's been nominated as a Wish Child."

She made a face as she considered that. "Like Make A Wish?"

Covens nodded. "Yeah, he's one of the kids we've selected for nomination out of here. I had the medical clearance forms and approvals come across my desk the other day about him."

She shook her head confused. "But, Noah isn't terminal."

"Well, the program isn't for terminal cases, Olivia. It's for kids who are dealing with a life-threatening illness and that's certainly Noah. He's been through a lot so far."

"And, so has every other kid upstairs," she said with a firmness in her voice. She didn't want special treatment for her son – not like this.

He nodded. "True. But, let's just say that Noah's garnered several fans on staff who were rooting for him when we were going through who to submit for this season."

Olivia shook her head and rubbed at her eyebrow. "Ah, well, I'm sure there's other families that may benefit from the program more than us," she said. "I mean, work helped us, so we were able to take that Florida trip in the winter. We did the astronaut and the Disney-Star Wars thing. So, I think that was likely pretty much his wish."

Covens gave her a small smile. "The program also isn't based on financial need, Olivia, if that's what you're saying. It operates on the assumption that all families dealing with a major health issue in a child deserve to have some special time together to create special memories."

"We already did that," she said almost defensively. "We try to do that every day."

He nodded. "OK. Well, Noah certainly doesn't have to pick to go on a trip, if he doesn't want to. Kids pick all sorts of things. I've seen kids ask for computers, go on shopping sprees, have their bedrooms made over, be a firefighter for a day, go on a helicopter ride, practice with the Knicks, meet Justin Beiber. It can really be whatever. It could be someone he'd like to meet, or some activity he'd really like to do, something that might help make the rest of his treatment a bit easier for him."

She shook her head. "I think we're OK," she said quietly.

Covens let out a small sigh. "OK. It's your choice. I just wanted to give you a heads up. A representative will be contacting you guys and assigning you a Wish Co-ordinator to come and talk to the family and Noah to try to figure out what he'd like to make happen and to get it to happen for you guys. But, you certainly can tell them that you don't want to participate. They'll respect your wishes in that regard. You should think about it, though. He deserves it. You all do."


	171. Chapter 171

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I hate this side of the bed," she told Will.

He glanced at her from his book. "What's wrong with it?"

"I can't sleep here."

He snorted at her and moved his eyes back to his book. "Liv, you're sleeping sitting at the dining room table up these days."

"It still feels wrong."

He glanced at her again. "We can switch back, babe. I don't care. I thought you were concerned about rolling onto your side over here."

She made a noise and didn't provide any answer either way. She supposed in a way, she was just looking to talk to him and he'd been absorbed. It wasn't about the fact that sleep hadn't found her yet that night. Well, actually it had – the whole evening. It was just after she decided to take a long bath and then had Will come up to change the bandages before she crawled into bed that sleep had then eluded her. She wasn't entirely sure why. She supposed rather than relax in the bath, she'd just started running things through her head more and more and now her mind was still churning. Will had seemed oblivious to it, though. Either that or he just wasn't up to discussing any of it at the moment.

"How much more are you going to read of that tonight?"

"Mmm, I don't know. Is the light bothering you? I can go downstairs."

"It looks boring."

He smiled at her and put it down on his lap, shaking his head. He reached out and brushed a piece of stray hair away from her face for her. She'd been laying on her good side watching him read his book – The Joy of X – for about 20 minutes. He had his insanely focused look on his face. His forehead was creased in interest and his body rigid and tense in his concentration. She'd been watching his eyes move back and forth as they worked their way across and down each page – and he seemed to be ploughing through the pages at a rapid rate, reaching and turning each page before the eye movements would start again.

"Does it now?"

She gave a little nod. "Very."

"Mmm," he smiled some more at her. "They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, detective." He was stroking her hair with the backs of his fingers now and looking at her more intently.

"The only other Joy of books I've ever seen are Joy of Cooking and Joy of Sex. Neither were very good."

He snorted. "Read them from cover-to-cover did you?"

"Of course. You know how my mother valued books. You can't just start a book and not finish it, Will."

He smiled a bit wider. "I can see both having been very helpful in your daily life."

"I really do do so much cooking and the Joy of Sex … don't even get me started on the benefits of reading that one." The sarcasm dripping from her and it earned an even bigger smile from him.

He traced his thumb down her temple. "For what it's worth I really like your cooking when you do get in the kitchen – and I happen to think you're pretty amazing in bed too."

She snorted and shook her head at him. She probably should've seen that she was opening up that kind of opportunity for him. She blamed her drug-fogged mind for making it too easy for him to get that in there.

"I think you're a little biased and have to say both of those things," she told him.

He smiled a bit more. "Likely. I do like to get fed and I do like to get laid."

"You do," she nodded.

He tapped the book on his lap. "It's actually pretty interesting, Liv. I think you might like it."

She shook her head. "That's not my idea of light reading."

"I didn't say it was light reading," he said, and took his glasses off, reaching over and setting them, along with the book, on the bedside table. He then slid down from his propped up position and rolled onto his side to look back at her. She felt the urge to reach out and touch him – but her bad side was up and whenever she stretched out that arm, it seemed to still be sending pain shooting down through her ribs. He must've sensed her wanting the touch, though, and returned his one hand to its light caressing of her face and hair, occasionally trailing it down to her shoulder and arm.

"I'm going to see the author talk," he told her. "He's doing a presentation at Courant. You should come."

She smiled at him. "I don't think a math talk would help me with the pain I'm feeling these days. It might increase it – maybe make it start radiating through my head too."

He tapped lightly on her forehead with a closed fist. "We wouldn't want that."

She gave him another little smile.

"He's the New York Times math columnist," he told her then.

"I must somehow always skip that column in the Times," she teased.

"Too focused on always having to be the one to get the fucking crossword," he said.

"It's mine," she responded with a seriousness.

He snorted. "I know better than to even try to touch it – or help, Liv."

"Some days."

"Most days," he nodded at her with his own sternness. "Anyways, I'll make sure I pull out his column for you the next time it runs. It's monthly. You probably don't want to be missing it. He's like a math rock star, Liv."

"You're like a math rock star," she retorted.

"Hmm, he makes me look like junior high mathlete."

She laughed. "Is that a real thing?"

"Totally."

"How did I end up with you?" she shook her head.

"Desperate."

She smiled. "Apparently."

"So what's really wrong?" he asked and cuddled a bit closer to her, letting her rest her forehead against his shoulder and starting to rub her upper back a bit.

She gave a small shrug. "You didn't give a lot of feedback when we were talking downstairs."

He placed a kiss against the side of her head most accessible to him. "I just didn't want to fight about it, Liv. If you don't want to do it – then we won't do it. I think we have enough other things to worry about right now without getting stressed about this and having an argument."

She sighed. "But you think we should let him do it?"

Will shrugged. "I just don't see what the harm is. But I just don't have the energy to turn it into a thing right now, Liv, and I don't think you do either."

She gave a small nod against his shoulder. "I just think there's other kids who are sicker or other families who are in more financial need than we are who could benefit from it more than us."

"And that sounds really altruistic, Liv. And you are an altruistic person. But you're also intensely proud – and because of that you have trouble accepting help from others. You see far too much as charity rather than something that's earned or deserved - or just even as an opportunity."

"So you think we should let him do it?"

Will sighed again. "Like I said before, I just don't see the harm in it, Olivia."

She made a small sound and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder some more.

"I don't like that we have to have him get this spinal stuff as an in-patient. I didn't realize that before," she said quietly.

He rubbed her back some more and put another kiss on her head. "From what you told me, though, hopefully it will just be this time or the first few. That's not so bad."

She shook her head and shrugged. "I hate when they have to put him out."

"But you also hate having to watch him go through the discomfort when he's awake."

"My heart stops every time they put the anesthesia drugs in him, Will," she said and felt her eyes glassing even thinking about it, so she forced it to the back of her head.

"I know, Liv," he said and scooted closer to her, wrapping his arms around her a bit tighter.

"I'm not missing that procedure," she said sternly and glanced up at him, from where she'd now curled her head into the crook of his neck.

He shook his head. "I don't think you should miss that one at all. He's going to need you there. But assuming everything goes OK, I think you should keep the rest of your stuff where it is, babe. Your health and getting you back on your feet is pretty fucking important too."

She sighed a little. "I don't want to miss the port procedure either."

He put his chin on the top of her head and silence hung there for a minute. "You sure you want to try again with the port?"

She gave a little nod against him. "They're supposed to make this all easier, Will, not harder."

"But that just hasn't been the case for him," he said quietly.

"If we don't put another port in for the next two years, they are going to be digging into his little arms and hands and feet, Will, looking for veins, collapsing veins, having him in tears every time, complaining about the sensations of the drugs every time."

"He's a tough kid, Liv. After he gets used to it …"

"Why should he have to get used to it?" she said a little to harshly and she felt Will stop against her. He didn't like when she snapped at him. She supposed that was understandable.

He sighed a little after several long moments of silence. "But if it meant fewer ER visits, better counts, easier swimming and bathing, not worrying about him falling onto it … getting him used to the alternative infusion sites may be worth it. It seems like we're putting him through a lot with the ports too. All these surgeries to put them in and take them out, the fever spikes and the trips to the ER, the pain he has when they're blocked or infected."

"If they just did it right …"

"Liv, maybe his body just doesn't like it that way. It just isn't working for him. You know, I've done some reading on this and have been on the boards – there's lots of doctors that take the ports out of the kids as soon as they are done consolidation."

"There's just as many doctors that think it's better to leave them in until the kids are done with LTM," she contended.

"Then who's to say one way is right or wrong. Why don't we just … listen to Noah's body? That's what we seem to do with everything else. Why aren't we doing it with this?"

She sighed and shrugged. "The port is just supposed to be easier …"

"But it's not. It's awful. I hate his fucking port," Will said quietly and kind of defeated.

She put her lips on his jaw line and gave him a small kiss before settling her head against his shoulder again. They were quiet for a while. She could almost feel Will thinking against her now. She could feel his sadness for Noah too.

"What do you think he'd pick as his wish?" she asked quietly after a while.

"To go for a ride on the Millennium Falcon," Will said without even thinking about it.

She laughed and looked up to give him another smile. "When will he outgrow Star Wars?"

"Likely by the time he's about 60," Will offered. "I actually think I had almost outgrown it. But then I got this super bitchy but smokin' hot new neighbour …"

"If my side wasn't hurting so much tonight, I'd hit you," she told him.

"Whatever. I like your body. You're beautiful. Some day you'll come to accept that."

She gave him a small smile. He laid the sap on so thick for her sometimes. But sometimes she kind of liked to hear it.

"Anyways," he said, "so this new neighbour – despite being insanely unfriendly – had this pretty awesome little boy. So, you know, I had to kick-start the whole Star Wars thing again for him."

"That's not really how I remember it."

"Who says I was talking about you?" he asked.

She smiled a little more. "Ah, my mistake. Well, then, it does sound like that whole situation must've been really hard for you," she said.

"Oh, it was," Will agreed. "Kind of like having to relive my childhood again."

"I could see how that might be awful for you."

"I'm glad you understand," he nodded. He rubbed his cheek against the top of her head. "You're hurting bad tonight?"

"Mmm," she mumbled against him. "You know the fucking visitor chairs in the chemo unit."

He put another kiss on her temple. "Did you take something before laying down?"

"I don't like the pills, Will. They make me loopy and I hate feeling that bloated and constipated. It's disgusting. I'm carrying enough water-weight from all the IV fluids they were pumping into me and hardly moving for two weeks. I'm probably not even going to fit into the fucking dress at this point."

"Liv, don't worry about that."

"How can I not worry about that?"

"It's kind of a minor problem."

She snorted. "Is it? So if I go and pick it up – and now the sizing is all wrong, I just … buy another dress with less than a month until the ceremony?"

"I'm sure they can adjust it or something. And, it's all coming off anyways."

She laughed. "It's all coming off? I think you're getting ahead of yourself."

He rolled his eyes. "I meant the water weight or whatever. It's just from the IVs. It's only been three days and I can see it in your face – and your hands. It's coming off."

"Mmm," she mumbled. "I still feel fucking bloated, though."

"It's just the pills. You like being pain more than feeling a little gasy?"

"Right now – I just want my bowels and stomach to start co-operating again."

She felt him smile against her cheek. "I think we've spent too long together. We're already chatting about our bowel movements and we aren't even an old married couple planning our purchase of prune juice yet," he told her.

"I want to take a crap, Will. Better?"

He laughed. "That was slightly more graphic."

"Mmm," she allowed.

"You know I'm coming into your appointment with you tomorrow morning and tattling on you," he told her.

"Oh, I wouldn't expect anything less from you," she said.

He rubbed his cheek against her hair some more. "I just want them to get you on something that helps keep you a bit more comfortable, Liv. And, of course, get you pooping. Pooping is important."

"Very," she agreed.

"Maybe you should just take a couple swigs of Noah's stuff tonight? See if it gets things moving for you?"

"Self-medicating seems like a bad idea."

"It's not a regulated substance. And it's OK for a child. I think you'd be fine. If it helps, bonus."

She shook her head. "I'll wait and see was Figgins says in the morning."

He gave a small nod. "You want me to get the heating pad for you or something?"

She thought about it for a moment and then sighed. "Yeah, if you don't mind. I left it on the couch, I think."

He nodded and put another kiss on her head. "Yeah, I saw it there." He pulled away from her a bit. "You want me to get anything else while I'm down there?"

"Mmm," she shrugged and looked at him, standing next to the bed where he was watching her so intently. "Ice water?"

"You just want me to bring up a bottle from the fridge?"

She shook her head. "No. I want the ice cubes."

"OK," he nodded. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Will," she called as he started to pad away – and he glanced back over his shoulder. "Check on Noah while you're down there too, OK?"

He gave her a small smile. "Always," he nodded.


	172. Chapter 172

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Don't you think strawberries are the bestest food, Mommy?" Noah asked her, admiring a slice of one of the berries on his fork.

She snorted a laugh at him and shook her head, looking into her own bowl of strawberries and honey at their dining room table. Her body had been craving fruit since she got home from the hospital and while on the way back from the doctor's that morning, she'd ducked into one of the supermarkets, though not their usual one.

Her and Will usually stuck to the Fairway near their home because it supported local farms and tended to have fresh, organic produce. She had become much more conscious about that sort of thing since she did her undercover work years ago – and being with Will had only solidified it. Will was about as crunchy-granola as it came when it was about his food. Being with him certainly had had an impact on her grocery bills. But she also hoped that it had had a positive impact on her overall health – and the health of her son.

Will was a stickler for buying organic and buying local. Really, if he had his way, they'd likely stick to a 100-mile diet. But she just thought that wasn't realistic – especially anymore. Really, as conscious as her and Will were about what they put into her son – they also just wanted him to eat at this point. Noah was pretty good about not favouring processed foods – mostly because she'd never really let his palette become accustom to them. But there were definitely still things that she just let him have since his treatment had started – just to get him to eat.

Still, she generally tried to stick with buying seasonal fruit and vegetables – as much as that was possible in a northern state. But still. Her body was demanding that it wanted the sugar and the fiber of fruit, though, so she'd basically said fuck it, and just got what she wanted. She had thought she liked strawberries about as much as Noah. But with the admiration he was looking at his bowl of fruit at the moment – she thought his appreciation of them likely surpassed hers. They'd already almost gone through the whole pint together that she'd bought. She was kind of wishing she'd picked up a second one. She supposed they'd just have to switch to the other options from her purchase after they finished wolfing down the strawberries. There were still grapes, pears, kiwis and a mango and a dragon fruit that she'd picked up.

"Hmm, I do think they are pretty great, sweets," she agreed.

He nodded at her. "But, Mom, you said strawberries are summer food and it's fall."

She snorted. Clearly her and Will had already managed to corrupt Noah into the organic-granola crunch. Will would be happy about that. She could imagine what Elliot would say if she decided to share this Noah anecdote with him.

Elliot still seemed to think it was hilarious that she'd given up soda and that she picked salad or eggs over processed deli meat most of the time anymore. How her eating habits continued to change after Will entered her life apparently was an even larger source of amusement. Though, it mostly resulted in jabs about the extent of Will's manliness. Because how manly could you be if you crunched-crunched? … apparently. She could see him thinking it was quiet funny that her six-year-old was aware that fruit was seasonable and was correcting her on the timing of her purchase.

"Mmm, they are, sweets," she told him as she finished another strawberry off. "They would've travelled a long way to get here – so we can have them in the fall."

"Travelled from where?"

"Mmm, likely California," she said and picked up the container from sitting next to the cutting board to examine it. She hadn't looked at it in the store. The reality was she didn't want to know where they were from when she picked them. She'd known as soon as they entered the foreign supermarket – and ended up standing in the frozen food section immediately upon entrance, always a bad sign – that she didn't want to know where any of it had come from. She just found the produce section and managed to pick a few things that looked half-ways decent.

"Where's California?" Noah asked.

She looked at him. "Noah, we've been practicing this. Where's California?"

He shrugged at her.

"Where do we live?"

"New York."

She tried not to laugh – and smiled at him. "What country do we live in?"

"U.S.A."

"What's that stand for?"

"United States of America."

She nodded. "And what's California?"

He looked at her again and considered it. "A state?" he asked more than answered.

She nodded again. "And where is it?"

He shrugged.

She jabbed her fork into her bowl. "Go get your Hugg-A-Planet," she told him.

He considered that for a moment but then got up and went running down the hall to his room. She heard his little feet smacking on the floor all the way there – and then back just as quickly. He plopped a red planet on the table in front of her.

She smiled at him again. "Noah, this is Mars," she told him and tried not to laugh.

Will ended up with the most random crap being handed to him at work. He was constantly bringing up little – and sometimes not so little – toys and gifts that were being given to him by colleagues or students or companies and R&D departments that were trying to woo him. She thought it was sort of flattering for Will and his ego – but knew that by most of his suitors, it was wasted efforts.

Will was good at his research and loved what he did with his research and figurings – but at his heart, Will was a teacher. No amount of money or gifts or promises of relocation fees and expense accounts would make him move away from his teaching. The way he saw it, moving out of academia would only mean he'd end up sitting at a computer just crunching numbers as some faceless drone in some organization, which he seemed to paint as all having some sort of nefarious intentions at their heart.

She dreaded when John got talking to Will when he stopped into the station. Will just fed into John's paranoia and conspiracy theories and seemed to have the fact and figures to back it up. John loved it and Will loved egging him on. She hated it. It drove her a little wonky. Though, it usually forced her to wrap up whatever the hell she was doing pretty quickly to get the two of them away from each other.

One of his colleagues had handed him the stuffed Mars over the summer in the midst of the Rover hoopla. He'd brought it home and given it to Noah rather than adding it to his office clutter. The amount of clutter in his space seemed to grow exponentially each fall when he got a set of new TAs who would meet him and see the mess of toys and knick-knacks in his office and apparently feel compelled to add to it for him. She thought it had gotten even worse since people in the department became more aware that he had a little boy at home, who was sick.

She knew that some of Will's TAs, he ended up keeping on for the rest of their academic careers at Courant, if they did a good job, and then there were the grad kids who worked as a supervisor for. The loyalty and the attachment of some of the kids to Will boggled her mind a bit but just proved to her even more how much his students valued him and what a good teacher he actually was. Every time Noah had had a planned admittance into the hospital, Will's little group of supervised kids had pooled together and had care baskets sent to the hospital for her son. It was touching and really some of the items in the baskets had truly been lifesavers in the hospital, in terms of distracting Noah and keeping him happy and entertained.

She knew that after Will went into the office today and started working at re-arranging his schedule for Noah's next in-patient ordeal, that his kids would likely start having their own little discussions about what to send the boy this time – and not long after he got settled into his hospital bed, something would be coming in for him. It always made Noah light up – and she appreciated that the young students were taking the time to do that for their family. They'd even sent her some flowers while she'd been in the hospital. She wasn't much for flowers – but it was the thought that counted – and she appreciated the support they were showing for Will. She'd only ever met two of the kids in passing – but some of the small group was attending their little wedding ceremony at Will's invitation.

"You said Hugg-A-Planet," Noah informed her.

"We were talking about where California is, Noah," she shook her head at him and bobbed the big stuffed ball on its little elastic string in front of his face. "Do you think California is on another planet?"

"No," her son said like she was being the ridiculous one.

"So go and bring Planet Earth to me, silly," she said.

He examined her for another moment but then headed back to his room and returned with the Huggable Globe.

She smiled at him. "That's better. OK. Where's the United States?" she asked him.

Noah examined the stuffed planet and then jabbed his finger into the middle of the country.

She nodded. "OK." She took the globe from him and looked at it a moment and then put her finger on California and turned it back to face him. "That's California," she said.

Noah examined it for a moment and then got up on his knees on his chair and pulled the stuffie away from her to look even more closely.

"Where's New York, Mom?"

She pulled it back a bit closer to her again and looked at the tiny state lines all clumped together up in New England on the thing. It wasn't the clearest representation to be picking out New York from – but planted her finger on the general location of the state. "We are here," she said.

Noah examined it some more and planted his finger back on California. "That's really far, Mom," he told her.

She nodded. "It's the other corner of the country."

"How do the strawberries come here? Do they fly like when we went to Florida?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure, sweets. Maybe they fly. Maybe they came on a truck or a train."

"Are strawberries fall food in California?"

She snorted a laugh at him. "California is a lot warmer than here, sweets. Kind of like Florida. I think they basically are all-year food there."

"We had oranges in Florida," he told her.

She nodded. "Because they grow oranges in Florida too most of the year because it's warm there."

He examined the globe more, pulling it towards him. "Maybe we should go to California so we can eat strawberries all year, Mom," he suggested.

She smiled at him and tried not to laugh again. "That's an interesting idea, sweetheart."

"What else do they have in California?" He jabbed his finger on Florida.

"Mmm," she thought about it. "Well, it's where they make a lot of the movies and TV shows, Noah. It's where Hollywood is."

"We went to Hollywood in Florida."

She smiled. "We went to Hollywood Studios, Noah. It's different. That's a theme park. Hollywood is a real place."

He considered that. "Is it a city like here?"

She shrugged. "It's part of Los Angeles, which is a city sort of like here. But not as nice."

"How not as nice?"

"Mmm," she thought about it. "Well, it doesn't have nice parks like Central Park and Riverside Park. And it doesn't have cool museums like the Natural History Museum. It has a whole lot of concrete and highways. And it's hot and smoggy."

"Have you been to California, Mommy?"

She nodded. "I've been to Los Angeles but not the rest of California. It's a very big state. Look at it," she said and pointed at the globe again. "See how big it is – and see how small New York is?"

Noah nodded. "But New York is better, right?"

She smiled. "I think so."

"It's the best state," Noah declared.

She snorted at that and shrugged. "Maybe, sweetheart. I don't know. It's just home."

"Florida is a pretty good state too, though, right, Mom?"

She nodded. "I liked visiting there but I don't know I would want to live there."

"But then we could swim in the ocean every day, Mom," Noah told her.

She put some more of her strawberries into her mouth and smiled at that. She was starting to think she might be able to claim the remainder of Noah's. He seemed to have forgotten about them.

"You liked swimming in the ocean a lot, didn't you, sweetheart?" she asked him after she swallowed.

He nodded vigourously at that idea – but then reached across and pulled the Mars stuffie closer to him to examine next to Earth.

"You can swim in the ocean in California too. It's supposed to have really nice beaches."

He glanced at her. "Do you think there's beaches on Mars, Mom?"

She laughed. "Ah. I think there's lots of sand on Mars," she told him. "But I don't think you'd be swimming in the ocean there. There's ice – no water, though, right now. The rover is looking for signs of there being water before, remember?"

Noah nodded. "He's like Wall-E."

She smiled. "Yeah, Curiosity sort of looks like Wall-E."

"Daddy says Mars sort of looks like Tatooine but people don't live on it like Tatooine."

She just smiled and shook her head. At least Star Wars was apparently providing some sort of point of reference in their educational-moments with their son. Ridiculous as she still sometimes felt that was.

"Daddy says he found a planet that has two suns just like Tatooine," Noah informed her.

She shook her head. "No, Daddy did not find a planet," she corrected him. "Daddy told you about a newspaper article he read about scientists at NASA – where we visited the astronauts – finding a planet like Tatooine. Daddy's a mathematician, sweetheart, not an astronomer."

"What's an astronomer?"

"A person who researchers the stars and planets," she told him. "They look at them through special telescopes and satellite images."

"Like at the planetarium?"

She nodded. "Yeah – a lot of the things we learn when we go to the planetarium is from all the hard work of astronomers."

"They have really cool shows," Noah told her.

She smiled again and again tried to hold back a laugh at his observation.

She nodded. "The space shows are pretty fun," she agreed.

Noah beat the two planets together a couple times and then glanced at her.

"Can we go to the museum, Mom?"

She shook her head. "Not today, Noah," she said. "We're both supposed to be resting."

"I feel good, Mommy," he told her.

She could tell he seemed to be feeling OK so far that morning. But he'd also been up half the night vomiting and she knew it was likely only a matter of time before he burned out and crashed for the day. Not to mention, the hand where the line had been put in still looked red with a rash and had a big bump on it, though Noah hadn't been complaining.

"Well, sweets, Nana and Popa are coming over this afternoon – so it's not a good day to go to the museum anyways."

"Nana and Popa are coming?"

She nodded. "Yep. To visit – and talk to us about the wedding."

"Popa cheats at games, Mom," he informed her.

She smiled. "I know, Noah. Popa Ted is not very good at games and has to cheat to win."

"He puts Lego wrong too, Mom. He put a tree on top of the fire station!"

She shook her head. "Well that's just silly."

Noah nodded. "Popa said we could go and visit Uncle Rob at the fire hall and sit on the truck but then he didn't take me, Mom."

"Mmm," she said. "I know. Popa told me. It's just because things got really busy with Mommy being sick too. We'll all go soon, OK?"

Noah considered that. "Nana's not going to make dinner again, is she?"

Olivia laughed out loud at that and shook her head hard at him. "Noah – that's not nice."

"She makes weird food, Mom," he informed her.

"Daddy grew up eating Nana's food and he's OK."

Noah made the gagging sound that he'd learned from Will. She really hated that Will had taught her son that.

"Don't do that in front of Nana, Noah," she told him seriously. "It's really rude."

He sulked for a bit.

"You eat Nana's food when we go and visit," she told him.

"But Popa barbeques then and Nana makes roast. She made yuck here, Mom."

Olivia sighed. "Noah – don't be rude to, Nana. She really tried and she was helping Mommy and Daddy a lot."

"But she's not going to make dinner, right?"

She shook her head. "No, sweets, Nana will not be making dinner tonight. Uncle Elliot is coming over, actually. So we're going to all order out and work on some wedding stuff all together."

"Is Eli coming?" Noah asked excitedly.

She nodded. "Yeah, he's bringing Eli."

"Rich?"

She smiled. "No, sweets, I don't think Rich wants to spend his Friday night doing wedding stuff with us."

"What wedding stuff, Mom?"

She shrugged. "Just fiddly stuff, we need to get done."

Noah looked at her questioningly.

"Little things to put on the tables, sweetheart. And, Mommy and Daddy need to figure out where everyone is going to sit."

"On chairs," Noah suggested.

She smiled at him. "You sound like your Daddy."

"They could sit on the grass too."

She laughed again. "I think everyone would love that idea."

"Can we have sushi for take-out?"

She smiled and shook her head. "No, Uncle Elliot will not eat sushi."

"Why not?"

"He is not very adventurous with his food, Noah."

"It's just sushi not an adventure!"

She gave him a little laugh again. "I think we're going to get pizza."

"Cheese?"

She nodded. "We will get cheese pizza for you and Eli. And I'll get you some bread sticks and marinara sauce too. OK?"

He seemed to consider that. "OK. Can me and Eli watch Wall-E?"

"Eli's our guest, so I think you should ask him what he'd like to watch. He might not like Wall-E, Noah."

"Why wouldn't he like Wall-E?"

"Because maybe he's seen it and doesn't want to see it again or maybe he's not interested in space and robots like you, Noah."

"He doesn't like space and robots? He likes Transformers."

She nodded. "He does like Transformers."

"He likes soccer and basketball."

She nodded. "He likes those things too."

"He liked Jurassic Park and cars and airplanes."

She nodded again. "He does. So maybe you two can just go down into the playroom and play with your cars and Lego and dinosaurs while the grown-ups work up here, right?"

Noah shrugged. "But what about a movie?"

"If there's something you guys can agree on watching, we'll put in a movie, OK?"

"Popcorn?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'll make you some popcorn."

"Eli says our popcorn is wrong."

"Our popcorn is right. Eli's popcorn is wrong. You tell him that," she said and rolled her eyes.

Elliot and his fucking microwave popcorn stinking up the entire squad room – and always the extra, extra, heart-attack-pending buttery kind that seemed to attract people like flies to wherever the hell he left the bag laying after he claimed his two giant handfuls - that he'd always leave sitting on top of whatever was on his desk – meaning that more often than not there were greasy popcorn stains on the file folders of their cases.

"Maybe we should eat chips instead," Noah suggested.

She shook her head. "Nope. Not happening. We don't eat chips – expect on special occasions. No one's birthday party is it?" Noah shook his head. "Are we at the baseball game?" He shook his head again. "Then there's no chips, right?"

"Nachos and dip?"

She laughed. "You're acting hungry. Eat the rest of your strawberries, sweets. Do you want some toast or something?"

He seemed to consider it. "Raisin toast?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I think we've still got some of that. Is that what you want?"

He nodded in agreement and finally looked back at his bowl of strawberries, that she supposed she wasn't going to get to claim after-all.

"OK, sweets. I'll make you some toast," she said, and stood from her chair, and rubbed her hand down the top of his head. Her beautiful little boy. She had to enjoy days like this – and not think about days like she knew she'd be having in the coming week. She didn't want to get ahead of herself and miss the good times.


	173. Chapter 173

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"There's our girl," Ted greeted far too enthusiastically, as she opened the door and threw his arms around her in nearly a crushing hug.

She made an oof sound with it and tried to pat him on the back. She wasn't much for hugging anyone – let alone Will's parents. The brief grips of greeting when she entered their home was still something she was getting used to having to endure. This on her doorstep was taking it to a whole new realm of PDA that she just didn't know she'd signed up for by being with Will.

"Ah, hi," she offered, but added, "I think you're going to crack my ribs again, there, Ted."

He pulled back and looked appalled. "I'm sorry. Are you OK?" He didn't wait for an answer – though Olivia gripped at her side just to make sure everything still almost felt in place. Ted was already looking back down the steps, though, where May was struggling to bring a rolling shopping cart up to the door.

"She's not doing hugs yet, May," he informed her and then went back down the couple steps, pulling the thing up to the door himself while May now lead the way.

"Oh, you look so well, Olivia," May greeted and smiled so broadly at her. "So much better than in the hospital."

Olivia wasn't entirely sure how to take that statement and rubbed at her eyebrow. "Umm. Yeah. I'm starting to feel a lot better," she offered. "Still sore. What's all this?" she asked, pointing to the cart as they got in the door and started taking off their coats.

"Oh, it's just a few things," May said.

Olivia wanted to roll her eyes. It was never get a few things with May and she really hoped they weren't planning to restock their fridge. They'd hardly put a dent in what they'd already left in there. Some of the stuff they'd left in there – they would just never put a dent in. They just wouldn't eat it. When they managed to get a safe distance away from Ted and May's stay at the place, Olivia planned to start chucking it in the trash. Or maybe dragging it to the precinct fridge. Shouldn't some community groups be starting food bank collections for the holidays? Cheez Whiz wasn't perishable, right?

"Where's Noey?" Ted near demanded, flipping the top of the cart up and grabbing something from in there.

"He's down for a nap, right now," Olivia said. "He didn't sleep much last night."

Ted held out the box in front of her face. She took the little Lego kit and looked at it, sighing a little. "Ted, you really don't need to buy him something every time you see him."

He snatched it back from her and looked at it. "It says it's limited edition," he told her.

She did roll her eyes at that. "They all say that, Ted."

He held it at her again. "It's that … space ship thing he likes, isn't it?"

Will had certainly pointed out to her that he found it a little interesting that his father had latched onto catering to Noah's Star Wars obsession, while Ted had given Will such a hard time about his geekier interests while he was growing up. Liv had told him that Ted was just trying to make up for past wrongs. But in the process, he was spoiling their son rotten.

"He likes these things, doesn't he?" Ted asked, looking at it more quizzingly, like he'd made some sort of mistake.

She sighed. "Yes, Ted. I just wish you wouldn't spoil him with toys."

May waved a dismissive hand at her. "Oh, we just saw it at the Michaels when we picked up some things for this afternoon," she told her. "It hardly cost a thing."

Ted looked at her hopefully. She'd made him keep gifts previously for other occasions – rather than all this just-because that he was constantly giving to her son.

She shook her head. "Well, you aren't waking him up to give it to him," she told him sternly.

Ted shook his head. "Of course not, Olivia. My grandson needs his rest."

She wasn't sure when they'd truly started thinking of Noah as their grandson – or even when they started verbalizing it to each other. But they had started having no qualms about expressing it to her anymore – not since Will's adoption paperwork had gone through. When they'd visited them the weekend after Will was officially a daddy – they're been cards and cake for both the boys and yet another Lego set for Noah. Noah hadn't quite grasped the entire purpose of it – but was more than happy to accept the sugar-coma that was May's icing and the Lego.

Sometimes found it still sounded a little strange to her to hear Will's parents so casually refer to Noah as "their grandson". Though, there had never really been a time where they hadn't treated Noah like one of their grandchildren. And, after just a few visits at their home, the extent they doted on him had become so clear to her.

She'd felt a little scared and awkward about it at first. She didn't want Noah to get attached to them when she didn't even know what her and Will were. But, at the same time, it had always been nice. She'd wanted Noah to have an extent family badly and to get to do some of those normal little kid things – getting to make cookies with his grandma, watching the sports games with his grandpa, having cousins to tussle with and uncles to give him a hard time. Will had helped ensure that her little boy had that. It wasn't something that she would've never been able to give to him on her own.

And, now Ted and May seemed to take a special pride in getting to undoubtedly call Noah their grandson. For all the flak Will had put up about them being religious and conservative in their views – there had only been a handful of times that they had ever made her feel slightly awkward about their non-traditionalist family unit or her bastard son. But, they'd never made her feel judged – despite the few awkward moments where she hadn't really known what to say that wouldn't be insulting or add to the fuel of their sometimes fiery relationship with their son. Even in that, though, they'd never said or done anything to Noah that would've made him feel like an outcast in the family. He'd always been treated like one of the brood. And, they'd always just been Nana May and Popa Ted. She also wasn't sure when the May and Ted dropped off – but they had, long ago.

"What were you doing in Michaels?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at May, as the woman now worked to drag the cart down to the living room. Olivia watched the floor – wondering what kind of marks that thing was going to leave and grateful that her injury had her off cleaning duty, so Will would get to deal with any mess his mother left in her wake.

"Oh, just a few things," was all May tossed back over her shoulder.

"May, you realize there's a Michaels not even 20 blocks from here? Will and I have been into it already," she sighed after her.

May was getting settled on the sofa already. She sure didn't ever need an invitation to make herself at home. She examined the heating pad on the opposite end of the couch.

"Oh, were you taking care of yourself?" May asked.

Olivia sighed and walked back to the couch and switched the thing off, folding it and setting it on the floor next to the sofa. "It's fine," she said.

"Oh, because Ted and I are fine to just entertain ourselves, if you need to lay down for a while too," May nodded at her. "William told us that you had an appointment this morning and poor Noah this week."

"I'm fine," Olivia tried again, "and, Noah is doing OK too. He's just napping."

She glanced over at Ted, but he'd already found his way to the Poang they had shoved off in Noah's play space in the living room. It sat almost unused most of the time unless they had company – so rarely. The three of them always just clumped together on the sofa. She thought it would be a little sad when Noah grew big enough that there either wasn't enough space for the three of them on the couch or that he just didn't want to cuddle with them anymore. Ted, though, made sure that the Poang still got good use when he was over and was rocking up a storm in it already. So, Olivia just took a seat on the opposite end of the couch from May.

"So Michaels?" she tried again.

"Will had told us that your store didn't have the little jars you wanted – so rather than you two having to run all over the city, we just thought we'd check in the two stores on the way here."

Oh just, Olivia thought. But allowed, "Mmm."

"Well, we found them for you," May said happily and started digging in the cart. "So now you all can work on them in your little craft night tonight if you want too."

Craft night? Olivia thought. She actually thought Elliot had no idea what he was in for that evening. She was undecided on exactly how helpful he was going to be. He'd be helpful, she suspected, but there would be a running commentary. And, if there wasn't a running commentary – he'd be giving her looks that said even more than anything that could come out of his mouth anyways.

May held up one of the jars for her and she took it to look at it.

"These are them, aren't they?" May asked excitedly.

Olivia nodded. She hadn't asked for this help but she did appreciate it. Sometimes taking help from May, though, and thanking her for it was just so hard. May was about as diatonically opposite of her mother as she could get. She still hadn't figured out exactly how to interact with it.

"They are," she allowed. "Thank you."

May smiled at that. "Oh, they're really cute, Olivia," she smiled even more. "They're for the party favours, right? Or the place settings?"

Olivia made a sound. She didn't really know. She kind of felt like she was sort of making this up as she went along. What she really needed was one of those friends who had planned her wedding her whole life and knew exactly what you were supposed to be doing in any of this. She didn't really know anyone that fit into that category. And what was a wedding for a woman in her forties supposed to look like anyways? Especially when her and Will were already married?

May must've sensed her hesitance in even forming an answer to her simple question, though, and reached out and gave her elbow a squeeze.

"Don't you worry about a thing, Olivia," she said softly.

Olivia glanced at her and allowed a thin smile but just set the little jar on the table and sort of continued to examine it.

May patted her knee then at that. "Your special day is just going to beautiful," she assured again. "We're so happy for you and Will."

"Stop being so mushy with her," Ted called from the corner. "She doesn't like that."

Olivia snorted a laugh and looked at him.

"She wants a good cop wedding," Ted stated firmly. "No mush. Lots of beer. Nothing cutesy."

She held up the jar at him. "These are pretty cutesy," she said.

Ted shook his head. "I told her those weren't not party favours. Shooters, right?"

She laughed at that and shook her head and gave him a small nod. "Yeah. That's the plan. A shooter for everyone."

Ted gave her the same sly grin that Will had inherited. "Knew it."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"You just tell us what you need," Ted told her with booming sternness. "We'll make sure it's all in order for you on the 20th."

She looked at the floor and gave a small nod. She knew with that statement coming from Ted McTeague – it would get done. She just wasn't used to having a parental unit step up and make that kind of offer – ever. Especially not now – in her 40s, to have people offering that kind of help. It was another wall she was having to let down – another way she was having to let Will and his family in. It was part of the agreement when she let Will put that ring on her finger. But it was all still a bit harder than she expected – adding more people to her life, who cared about her and were actually willing to do things for her – seemingly just because.

"OK," she shrugged. "Ah, where do we start?"

"Well, you tell us," Ted said.

Olivia gaped for a moment at that and tried to think of anything to say. Where did they start?

May patted her hand. Olivia knew she was looking at the rings there, though. She wondered if she was supposed to take them off before the wedding? They'd been off in the hospital – but she'd returned them to her finger as soon as she got home. They were Will. She wasn't going to leave them tucked away in a drawer.

But May just gave her a smile. There was no disapproval in it.

"Why don't you just tell us some of the things that you still need to get done?"


	174. Chapter 174

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia couldn't help but smile as she paged through the photo album showcasing Will, listening to the little anecdotes or contexts that Ted and May were providing.

She'd seen a few pictures from Will's childhood and rather unfortunate-looking teens, framed at his parents' home. She'd even seen the photo albums on the bookself in the living room. But the one time when she'd been loitering near them, thinking about pulling them out to take a look, Will had spotted her and grabbed her hands and whispered, 'Don't you dare.'

She'd teased him enough about the framed pictures on the walls in the staircases. He didn't want her collecting more ammunition. She thought it was a little unfair. She wanted to see what he looked like as a little boy. But she could only argue about it with him so much.

Now, though, he wasn't around to put up any sort of protest – and May had handed the book right to her. She had to polite and look to it. Will had asked that she try to be nicer to his parents, after all.

Will was kind of a funny looking kid. She thought it might be killing the twinges she got now-and-then about trying to get pregnant again. At least she knew he grew into a handsome man, though. You might not have suspected it when he was a little boy.

His hair was a giant curly blond mess that likely explained why he hated when his usual short-cropped waves turned into his summer curls. He was about wearing a clown-wig in some of it with the puff he had bouncing on top of his head in some of the pictures. His hair had also darkened up with age. He was definitely blond as a kid. She'd call him more of a dirty blond, if not almost a golden-shaded light brown now.

Then there were his ears. Thank God he'd grown into them – because it looked like until he hit puberty, he could've about taken flight with them. It wasn't so much that they were big. They just seemed to be sticking out of the side of his head at quite the obtuse angle. Maybe they were just being accented by his hair, she thought. But his sparking eyes were still there in the little boy growing up as she turned each page. And the smile – though toothier in his youth.

It just seemed like the kind of collection of photos you'd expect your parents to have of you – in a normal family. There were pictures of him with birthday cakes and opening presents at Christmas. Him in church pageants and dressed in a Little League uniform, at the piano and out in the yard with his brothers. Every photo that showed him next to his brothers showed just what a different physique he had from Rob and Tom. He was this scrawny runt of a kid while his brothers looked burly, kind of like the schoolyard bullies, from about the day Will was born by the looks of it.

Still, with every other photo that showed him with his mother, you could see that he'd inherited her side of the family's looks. The two of them together when he was little just seemed to show off his fine features, fair skin and almost golden hair. Together the two of them looked more Scandinavian than having these strong Irish roots.

He'd clearly started to grow and slowly fill out in his teens. But in the few pictures from those years of his life, he still did look like a bit of a pencil. There were pictures of him with a trophy at what she assumed where cross-country meet and some family functions – and then his graduation. But there really wasn't much of a showcase from his high school years. She supposed that was normal. Still, she also knew that Will had had a particularly strained relationship with family during that period (though who didn't?) and had spent about as much time as possible away from the house. She knew too that his parents – particularly Ted – hadn't put much effort into attending any of his activities or award ceremonies or concerts, or basically anything during those years. So it sort of made sense there weren't many photos. She made a note to herself, though, to make sure she still continued to take just as many pictures of Noah when he hit high school – so his future wife wouldn't sit there wondering about the notable gap in his life when she pulled out the photos to embarrass him with too.

"Sometimes it's fun to display some childhood photos at the wedding, Olivia," May offered, just as she went to turn another page. "Do you have an album, as well?"

Olivia stopped almost mid-turn and then slowly brought it down and gazed a little blankly at the pictures on that page. She shook her head. "Ah, no. My mother didn't really take many pictures during my childhood. I don't have anything like this. I have a few photos. Mostly school ones."

She could feel May watching her more than looking at the album with that response. But she eventually offered, "Oh, well, that's OK, dear. It was just a thought."

Olivia tried to give a thin smile – to the album in front of her more than to May – and tried to continue to look at the pictures of Will. "It's nice you did this for Will," she said quietly after a while. "It's a nice keepsake."

"Oh, it's just something I did for all three of the boys," May said. "It was just something you did back then, I guess."

She stopped for a moment, though, when she said that, maybe realizing that Olivia had just said that it wasn't something her mother had done for her. Olivia had no pictures of herself as a baby. She had a few school photos from over the years and a couple newspaper clippings she'd collected herself while in high school. She also had some photos from her summers at her grandparents – when they'd taken pictures of her and later given them to her mother, who'd tucked them away. They were never on display. They never got put in an album.

When Olivia worked at cleaning out her mother's apartment after her death, she'd found many pictures from her growing up tucked in drawers – in the dining room, in her bedroom, in her home office. There wasn't even a consistent location. It was like she'd just shoved them wherever she'd been standing at the time the photo had been handed to her and tried to forget about them.

"But I know you and Will are always taking photos of Noah too," May stuttered after a moment's pause. "Will's always sending us pictures on the email."

Olivia glanced at her. She hadn't realized Will did that. "He does?"

May nodded. "Oh, yes. Near daily since Noah got out of the hospital after his induction therapy. I so look forward to seeing what he sends when I check the email each night. Don't you Ted?"

Ted gave a little nod but also appeared to be giving May a look like she should shut it. May never really seemed to pick up on those sorts of hints from her husband, though. Or anyone else for-that-matter.

Olivia allowed a little smile at that, though. More at Will – than anything. He was always teasing her about the number of pictures she took of Noah. If they weren't together, and she'd snapped a photo she particularly liked or of pretty much anything she thought he'd be disappointed he was missing or would see humour in – it got sent to him immediately. He'd always send her back some message along the lines of, "Send me a picture of what you're drinking right now, too" trying to mock the mundaness of the sheer volume of snaps she took.

She'd taken pictures of Noah before he'd gotten sick. She had her own vast collection of photos of her son as a baby and in his first years. However, her urge to take pictures of him and chronicle his life – as mundane as it was most days – had hit a bit more of a fever pitch after he'd become ill.

She hadn't taken the time to print them out and put them in an album like this. But she didn't really have anyone to show his pictures to before. Getting them synced to her laptop and occasionally sorting them a bit more than what iPhoto did automatically was about as far as she ever got. She'd print one or two occasionally to put in frames at home and on her desk. Or she'd pick one to set as her wallpaper on her phone or desktop screen.

She couldn't imagine the time – or the expense now – to do something like the album in front of her, that she was so enjoying looking through. It had never really occurred to her that Will's parents might want to see pictures of Noah. It had obviously occurred to Will, though.

"I have lots of pictures from when Noah was a baby," she sort of half offered.

May lit up at that. "I'd love to see photos of Noah as a baby. We saw that beautiful black and white one you have in your bedroom while we were staying here. He had such a head of hair on him."

Olivia nodded and gave a small smile. "Yea, he came out like that."

"He was a small baby, though," May said.

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow and glanced at her. "He was a little early," she offered. "Almost six weeks."

She stopped and thought about it a second, weighing in her mind how much she wanted to say. It wasn't like anything about her pregnancy or Noah's birth was particularly a secret – and it all felt like so long ago now with everything else going on in their lives. It was just strange to talk to Will's parents about anything in her life. They usually contained most of their chatter to small talk – or Will was there to provide some direction, padding and deferment for when things waded into areas she might be uncomfortable with.

She needed to learn how to talk to them, though. How to open up to them a little bit more. She knew they cared about her. Their gestures while Noah had been sick had proven that repeatedly. Their help while she was in the hospital only solidified it. Their excitement and support during the adoption proceedings - they'd really stepped up. And, she hadn't given a lot back to them. She knew that. She was just still so unsure how to interact with them.

She liked them enough. She just wasn't used to having parents in her life in that capacity – especially at her age. She was so used to operating independently – her mother not really giving a shit either way most of the time. Will's parents weren't like that, though, They were so engaged. Sometimes she felt like they were too engaged. But the reality was that they were there for them. They were kind, caring people who had her and Will's backs – and Noah's too. Her and Will were getting married. Well, they were already married. Will wanted her to try a little harder. And, he was right. She should, she knew that.

"Umm, I had a placental abruption and an emergency c-section. He spent some time in the NICU," she said quietly. "So, he's always been a little under-weight. Just generally undersized. I guess all of this lately hasn't really helped."

She had almost expected May to squeal and smack her hands to her mouth in horror at the mention of how Noah came into the world – or to at least offer long overdue and unneeded condolences. But she was so quiet that Olivia glanced her way again. May was just eying her – maybe a little shocked Olivia was actually saying anything about her personal life from long before they knew her – and from before Will was a part of her daily existence.

"I guess Will hasn't told you much about my background," Olivia said as more of a statement, but she supposed it was a bit of a question. Though, Will had already told her that he really hadn't told them much.

May eyed her some more at that. "William's such a private person – and we know you are too. He wouldn't go into details of your business with us with your consent," May said rather softly.

"And, you don't need to go into details, either," Ted interjected from where he was sitting. "We know all we need to know from getting to know you and Noah, Olivia. You don't feel like you have to be telling us anything."

She gave him a small smile and looked back to the photo album again.

"My childhood was very different from what you provided to your sons," she said after staring for a while at a picture of Will showing off some medal around his neck and sitting in front of what looked like might be a science project. She was guessing he was about 12 and he looked stupidly proud of himself. He looked goofy, really. He had the same goofy grin plastered across his face that she still got to see when he thought he was being a particularly smart-assed and was quite proud of himself in it too.

She glanced over at them and rubbed at her eyebrow – and tried to collect her thoughts, to measure what she wanted to say, what she didn't, how she wanted to express any of it.

"I didn't have a father growing up," she eventually allowed. "My mother didn't know who my father was. She was raped. It's part of the reason I do what I do. I didn't know – and didn't understand – when I was a little girl. I just knew I didn't have a father – and I really missed that."

She looked up again from examining the pictures of Will in the album, gauging their expressions. She was used to people's expressions when they heard for the first time. She was expecting shock or despair or sympathy or something from at least May, if not Ted as well. But they were both staying so quiet and looking at her with a touch of concern – and just listening, more than anything.

She fingered at the where there was a picture of Will with his brothers sitting on the hood of the beaten-up looking station wagon. It just looked like it was pulled over to the side of the road to her. There wasn't any notable landmark. But she assumed it was one of the summer road trips that they'd taken their kids on. Will was wearing bright red shorts that were almost too short and white tube socks pulled up almost to his knees. It looked like he Star Wars tshirt on to her – already addicted and he couldn't have been more than maybe nine or 10 in that photo. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest, though, and was almost pouting at the camera, clearly unimpressed to be participating in that particular photo shoot.

She thought his posture and expression looked quite a bit like Noah's defiance pose. Will had teased her that her son had learned the crossed arms and glare from her – but looking at the photo, she wondered if it wasn't just her who was responsible for that stubbornness. She knew Will had rubbed off on her son in a lot of ways already. She saw it in her boy.

"When I got pregnant with Noah, his biological father was pretty clear from the get-go that he didn't want to be involved. We were already separated when I found out I was expecting. I'd wanted a child for sometime. I'd looked into adoption and other options – so doing it on my own … didn't seem that scary at the time. I was a little sad for Noah, though, to know he'd grow up without a father too. That wasn't really what I wanted for him."

She looked their way again and gave them a small smile and gestured a bit at another picture of Will on the page. Will must've been about Noah's age – and Ted had him hoisted all the way above his head while up to his mid-chest in the ocean. There was a look of complete glee on Will's face – one that she still saw in him when he was swimming – and he had his arms and legs stretched out like he was ready to swim like crazy when his father tossed him into the water. It was a game Will had played with Noah while they'd been down in Florida and her son had delighted in it nearly as much as it looked like Will was when he was a little boy.

"I have almost an exact copy of this photo with Will and Noah," she told them.

She was quiet again for a moment while she looked at it. Will had just been playing with Noah – like he always did, like he had basically since the day she'd met him. But looking at the photo now, she knew that whether he knew it or not, he'd been repeating a childhood memory, a moment of happiness, for her son.

"Getting to know Will … he's just always been so good to my son. From the day we met. And, the more I got to know him … as I fell in love with him and my son fell in love with him … he's everything I dreamed about having in a dad when I was a little girl," she nodded at them, her voice cracking a bit – and shook her head. She was a little embarrassed and May reached out and gripped her hand.

She sucked back a near sob that was threatening to come out. "I'm just … really grateful to have met him. I'm so grateful to have him as the father to my son … our son. I didn't make it easy for him," she said and shook her head some more, trying to keep in tears. She really didn't want to cry in front of them, especially Ted. "I really made him work for this."

"Good girl," Ted said from where he was sitting again.

She glanced at him and let out a laugh and swiped at her eyes.

"That boy has always been too smart for his own breeches," Ted added. "He needed a woman like you to keep him in line."

She snorted and looked down. "I think we do an OK job of balancing each other out in that area," she said quietly.

She examined the floor a moment, trying to compose herself and then looked their way again.

"I just … want you to know – that your son is a really good man. You did a good job. He's a good partner. He's a wonderful father. He's what I've needed for a long time. I wish I had met him … a long time ago."

"You found each other, that's the important thing," May said and patted her hand again.

Olivia nodded. "He found us. He was persistent."

She shook her head. "I just need you to know too, that I … realize that Will … that your whole family … you both, Tom, Rob, Karen, Becky, the kids … all of you … have given my son things I wanted him to have in his life, that I wouldn't have been able to give him on my own. I know that sometimes I'm really not very good at expressing my appreciation about it or even knowing how to interact with it all. It's just … not what I'm used to, not what I grew up with. Sometimes I find it all a little overwhelming and intimidating. But I'm … so grateful that Noah gets to be a part of a family – and I really do appreciate everything your family has done for me and my son over the years. What you've both done for us over the past 18 months of this … craziness."

She swiped at her eyes again – running her fingers under them trying to catch and wipe away the tears that just weren't staying in at this point.

"Sorry," she said. "The shooting … it's made me a little overly emotional. Will's been having to deal with me being a basket case since I've been home."

"Damn pills those doctors have been giving you," Ted interjected for her – and she allowed a small laugh and a little smile, for his efforts to give her an out for being too much of a girl in his presence. "Too many damn chemicals in your body that aren't supposed to be there."

May patted her hand some more and then squeezed it tight. "You don't worry about a thing, Olivia. We've been so happy to add a daughter like you to our family."

Olivia shook her head as more tears fell at that comment. She hadn't been called a daughter in years. Some times she wasn't even sure if that's how her mother thought of her at all – and she was pretty sure even if her mother had, she hadn't been happy to add her to her family.

"Sorry," Olivia blubbered again and shook her head even more embarrassed.

May put her hand around her shoulder and rubbed at it. "It's OK, dear. You don't have to worry about a thing."

She wiped at her eyes again and moved to stand up, gripping her side a little. It was hurting a bit in her efforts to hold in the tears that were wanting to shake through her body.

"Ah, let me go and get the computer," she said, "to show you some of the pictures of Noah. I have some links on there too of ideas I'd be interested in talking about in terms of the feasibility of doing for the guestbook and decorations and maybe setting up the backyard."

Ted grabbed her hand, though, as she walked by him, and she looked at him questioningly.

"You brought our son back to us, Olivia," he told her. She saw his eyes looked a little glassy now too. "We're very grateful for that. And, you gave him things that we were starting to think he wasn't going to get to have in this life – a wife, a son. We see how happy Will is now. You gave him that and we hadn't seen that in our boy in a very, very long time."

She nodded at him, feeling her own tears starting up again. "He makes me really happy too, Ted."


	175. Chapter 175

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She made a sound of frustration as she mangled another piece of ribbon. Apparently attempting to work on any sort of precision, cutting and tying efforts with her injured side when she was right-handed was a bit of a losing battle.

"I hate this sort of stuff," she mumbled. "Who's bright idea was this anyways?"

Will glanced at her from his seat next to her. "You're the one that wanted to save money by printing these out and putting them together ourselves."

"You didn't need to provide feedback on that question," she muttered at him.

"I thought you were all about the crafts," Elliot commented from across the table.

She shot him some daggers briefly. "With Noah. I don't sit here and do this on my own."

"She's lying," Will said. "She's a regular Martha Stewart."

She looked at him. "Would you shut the fuck up?"

He gave her a look and then shook his head at Elliot. "Watch out. Your craft partner is getting grouchy. Better fix it, Maid of Honour."

Will hadn't seemed to have any qualms about showing some of his sarcasm with Elliot now sitting in their home. Usually Will was a little quiet around the man. But he was being chatty enough that night. He was actually being more himself than she really needed him to be. Him acting scared might be more what she needed that night. Instead, she was sitting at the dining room table working on fucking wedding craft projects with three men – who seemed happy to make light of the whole thing. If the doctor hadn't lectured her about the ribs having just barely reached the point where they were mended and all the care they needed for the next seven weeks – she'd likely be smacking all three of them up the side of the head.

"You want to switch?" Elliot asked her.

"You want to play with ribbon?" she rolled her eyes at him.

He shrugged. "Sure, if you want to take over the gluing."

She eyed him for a moment and then pushed the roll of ribbon and the scissors across the table at him – happy to be rid of it. Though, she some how doubted with his big fingers, he'd be doing much better than her at completing the little bit of threading and tying.

"How is it that we're stuck doing all this fiddly stuff while they get to do the good stuff?" Elliot asked, as he examined one of the menu cards that she'd managed to get done to her liking – so he could try to copy it.

"Because you're the bridesmaid, Stabler," Rob told him from his seat next to her partner. "You got to do the woman's work."

Elliot seemed to get-on fairly well with Will's brother and she was thankful for that. She wasn't that surprised. In a lot of ways, Elliot and Rob were a similar personality type. It had made the few interactions he'd had to have with Rob manageable. They'd actually had seemed to have bonded during their fitting outing. Or at least bonded in mocking Will. Will had come home telling her that the other two men had informed him his wedding clothing looked like he was just getting off the boat after arriving in America from the Potato Famine. She'd had to give Elliot Hell for the following Monday at work – and inform him that she'd had a big say in instructing Will on generally what he should be wearing and colours.

She thought the whole experience might've terrified Will in terms of his interactions with Elliot again. But she got the impression that he and Elliot had managed to smooth out some of their awkwardness while she was incapacitated in the hospital. After she was awake – they'd seemed to be getting along the best she'd ever seen and in the Elliot's visits, he'd chatted casually to Will. There hadn't been the tone and attitude that he often used with him. Elliot was talking to him much more normally and Will had seemed more comfortable around him too.

She hadn't asked for an explanation of what had gone on between them while she was out of it. She assumed the general answer was that they thought she was going to die – and, she wasn't really sure she wanted to hear that. She knew how devastating it would be to her if she lost to either of them – or if she thought she was about to lose one of them. She wasn't in a place mentality yet where she thought she could process the emotions that they'd had to go through while she was in surgery and then unconscious for those first couple days. So, instead, she was just focusing on the fact that they seemed to be getting along the best she'd ever seen. And, she really needed that. She'd always wanted them to like each other. But they were just so different in so many ways. She had sort of just accepted that they might never really understand each other – and probably would never see what she saw in the other.

"You aren't getting to touch the party favours, because you'd eat half of it in the process," she told him, before he could get into the back-and-forth of one-upmanship with Rob.

Elliot snorted at her. "I would not."

She gestured at the pile of corn nuts and candy corn he had sitting on the table next to him. "You're eating a quarter of it – and you aren't even working on that project."

"You know they kind of bicker like an old married couple," Rob nodded across the table to his brother.

Will glanced at her and shrugged. "Yeah. But it means about 80 per cent of the time she's so pissed at something he said or did during the day that she forgets to get cranky with me."

She glared at him. "You do a pretty good job at pissing me off all on your own too."

"Maybe you could work on knocking the piss-off factor up to about 90 per cent of the time," Will told Elliot. "It'd help my home life."

"I think that's probably achievable," Elliot agreed.

"Oh, it's very achievable," she said. "Unfortunately, I think you're both cancelling out each others efforts right now – and I'm equally annoyed at both of you."

"Stop pissing off the bride, boys," Rob suggested.

"The only man at this table speaking any sense," she nodded at him.

She finished gluing down the card she was working on and then stopped to grip her side for several moments. It'd been kind of a long day. She hadn't gotten as much rest as she had her previous days on home rest and really it'd been the most active she'd been so far since the shooting. At least it didn't hurt to just breath anymore – but movement was still jarring and the ache was feeling pretty penetrative at that point in the night. Really, the past few nights, she would've been getting ready for bed, if not already asleep at this point.

She saw Elliot eyeing her and she gave him a thin smile. He'd given her a hug that had been nearly bigger and tighter than Ted's earlier in the day. He was clearly aiming to crack her ribs again too. But it was the first time he'd been over since she'd gotten home and really, it was the first time he'd seen her up and on her feet too.

He'd visited her in the hospital every day – and she knew that he'd kept watch over her with Will for the first 36 hours. Or maybe, he'd kept watch over Will for her. Or a bit of both. Whatever way it was, on his visits in the hospital, she really hadn't been up-and-about yet. So even though they'd been speaking on the phone since she'd gotten home earlier in the week – maybe he hadn't quite realized she was actually dressed and moving around and functioning mostly like a human being again at that point. A wounded human being, but a human being. Still, she could tell by the way he was watching her that night, he was fairly consistently measuring the level of her pain and if he thought she should be doing what she was doing in terms of the wedding preps.

She stood up and then it was Will who's eyes fell on her. "You OK?" he asked.

She gave him a small nod and squeezed his offered hand. "Yeah. I'm just going to go upstairs for a minute. Then I'm going to check on the boys. They're being too quiet down there."

He examined her. "You want me to come up?" he asked again, rubbing his thumb across the back of her hand.

She gave him a little smile. "I think I should be OK."

He nodded, knowing 'should be' was about as close to a 'yes' she would get in front of company. So he stood. "I'll come up. We'll be back in a few," he told their guests.

He let go of her hand and headed for the kitchen. "You want it hot or cold, Liv?" he asked.

"Hot," she said, as she started to make her way towards the stairs. She could hear Will putting the gel pack into the microwave and then he quickly caught up to her.

She stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked to the top. She was really hating that they had stairs up to their bedroom these last few days. She sighed and looked at him.

"I'm really hurting tonight, Will," she whispered. She could see Elliot still watching them and Rob's body language looked like he was observing the situation pretty closely as well.

He nodded. "OK. You want me to help you up the stairs? Or you want me to go get your pills and the stuff to change your bandages and bring it down here? Rest on the couch for a bit?"

She sighed again and glanced back to where the two guys were still watching them. So Will looked over his shoulder too.

"They don't care, Liv. They're just worried about you."

She nodded. "I know. Just …"

He gave her a small smile. "I know. Here," he said, and gently put her arm over his shoulder and then gripped her tightly around her waist. "Just like the other night."

She nodded and put her good hand on the banister while he supported and kept her other side stable and guided her to the top of the stairs.

"You going to lay flat for a few minutes?" he asked, as they finally reached their bedroom.

She nodded again and he helped her to the bed.

"Let me help you get your shirt off, so we can take a look at your dressings," he said.

The doctor had had them off in the morning so he could take a look at how she was healing and the nurse had just put clean ones on then. But her and Will had gotten into the habit of checking out the wound and changing the bandages in the evenings. She thought Will likely just wanted to examine her for extra bruising and tenderness since she'd already indicated that she was in a fair amount of pain.

She shook her head, though, at his offer to help with the shirt. "I don't think I can get that arm above my head tonight. Just let me do it."

He stood and watched while she got her good arm out and then looped the neck over her head and shimmed the other sleeve down her bad side. She saw him looking at her more as she got it off.

"You left your bra on all day?"

She shot him a look. "The doctor's, your parents, them downstairs now, Will."

He sighed at her. "Having that extra pressure pressing there right now isn't the best thing the doctor had said."

She glared at him a little.

"Do you need help getting it off?" he asked.

"I'm not going to go back down there half-naked, Will."

He rolled his eyes at her – and stepped forward, leaning over her shoulder and unhooking it for her despite her response. She didn't argue with him. As soon as he got the clasp released, that extra pressure around her chest – that she usually never even noticed but these days felt so much like a vice – relaxed. It felt like some of her discomfort decreased almost instantly.

"God," she said and rested her forehead against his stomach for a moment, as he started to straighten back up.

"Bit better?" he asked, and stroked at her temple with one hand, while she let him loop the bra off her shoulders and down her arms with his other hand.

She nodded against him. "Yes."

"Just put on one of your camisoles and grab one of my zip-ups when you're ready to come back down," he told her, stroking his hands down her face. "They aren't going to be looking at your breasts. I'll punch them if they do."

She snorted.

"Lay down," he told her.

She again complied and he hovered above her. It was like he was becoming some sort of expert doctor – or at least nurse, in dealing with all of this. They were basically a family of amateur nurses anymore. It was kind of ridiculous.

"Your side looks really flushed, right now, Liv," he told her. "Maybe you should ice it for a while before we put on the heat."

"Mmm," she said. "I like the heat. It helps more."

He nodded. "Your call. You want me to take up the bandages or just leave it tonight?"

"I think it should be OK tonight, don't you?"

He looked at her. "The dressings look OK. No clumping. Nothing seeping through them. It's just generalized pain or it's centralized on where the wound is?"

"It's the ribs and the lung. It's just that deep aching."

"How's your breathing?"

"Some chest pain. Tightness."

He sighed – so she grabbed at his hand. "I'm OK," she assured him. "I just want to lay flat for 15 minutes or so."

He nodded. "OK. You don't want me to get rid of them? We can finish them up another night."

She shook her head. "No. We're making good progress. I'd feel better knowing that we get this stuff done tonight at least."

He rubbed his thumb across her hand more. "OK, babe. I'll grab you your pills and some water and then get the gel pack for you. I'll check on the boys. Don't worry about that. Rest for a bit."

"Don't let me fall asleep," she warned him.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead and then put a peck on her lips. "If you need to sleep, you sleep. I'll manage craft night."

"Will …"

"I'll check on you in 20 minutes," he assured her, as he grabbed the folded blanket at the foot of the bed and spread it over her. "You going to be warm enough – or you want to put something on now?"

"I really just want to lay here like this for a while. But if you let either of them or the boys come up while I'm laying here topless, the wedding might be called off."

He gave her a smile. "Good thing we're already married," he teased. "I'll close the door when I get back downstairs. I'll be back in a few minutes with the stuff."

As he dropped her hand she closed her eyes. She heard him go into the bathroom and clatter around collecting her pills and then running the water to get her a glass. She also heard him put it all on the bedside table next to her and then trot downstairs. She could hear him talking to Elliot and Rob in muttered conversation but couldn't make out the words. That was the last thing she remembered, though.

He didn't wake her up in 20 minutes – and when she had finally awoken on her own, he was in bed next to her, fast asleep, and he had the heating pad set on low resting against her side. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table – it said 3:24 a.m.. But what she noticed next was that he'd set a finished menu card and the put-together wedding favour jar there for her to see too. The men had finished up the craft projects on their own.


	176. Chapter 176

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She put her head back on his chest and rubbed her cheek there for a moment.

"You're hard," she commented at him.

She felt him look down at her and snort, as he readjusted his arm around her shoulders.

"Good detective work, Liv," he said with amusement in his voice, "Maybe because someone has been laying on top of me for the best part of an hour and torturing me with whatever the hell you were doing at my ear for the past ten minutes."

"I didn't think you noticed," she teased him.

He'd dodged her when she went for his lips. She wasn't sure if he was trying to avoid building up what she knew what likely his own sexual frustration or if he really was just super interested in seeing the game on the television screen. But she let him evade her and had instead moved her mouth to his neck and just under his ear and then his ear lobe. He'd made some little noises and she could feel his heart pulsing in the artery under her lips, his hand had even restless caressed at her shoulder while she kissed him. But he hadn't made any move to indicate he wanted to participate further in the kissing.

"I clearly noticed," he said and shifted almost uncomfortably under her. She'd sort of wedged her good side against the back of the couch, but the reality was that as they'd lounged there together, she'd draped more and more of her body and weight over top of him. With how her body was flushed against his at the moment and there really was no way for him to hide his arousal.

"Want to do something about it," she asked him quietly after several beats of silence, even though she knew what his answer would be.

He snorted at her. "No. Ignore it – eventually it will go away."

She rubbed her cheek on his shoulder some more. "I don't want to ignore it, Will."

He gripped her shoulder a bit more and put a small kiss on her hairline. "That's not happening, babe," he told her. "You know I'd hate myself for it if you ended up getting hurt."

"I think I'll be OK if we just did something where your weight isn't on me," she suggested.

He shook his head and let his hand fall down her back and caressed down near the waistband of her sleep pants. "We both know it's not just about positioning, Liv. It's the movements, tensing muscles, changed breathing. It will hurt."

"I'd tell you if it hurt too much. We'd stop."

He snorted at her. "Ms. Suck-It up would own up to it hurting?"

"Promise."

He shook his head. "No. We aren't taking the chance, Liv. They're barely mended. We aren't going to risk busting them again. We waited almost two and a half years to have sex, Liv. I think we can manage a couple months without."

"Mmm," she made a frustrated noise against him. "I just want to be with you … near you."

"You are near me. You're on top of me right now. You think I let just any woman lay on top of while I'm trying to watch the final series of the regular season?"

"Why are we even watching this?" she glanced at the television. "They are at the top of their division. They're going to the Series."

"Because they're playing Boston," Will said flatly.

"Boston has been awful this year. It's not worth watching."

"It's always worth watching the Yankees and the Sox, Liv. It's be great awesome if the Yankees are in the Series again this year. That'd be cool to go to."

"You've never been to a World Series game?"

"Mmm," he rubbed her back some more. "No. I've been to divisional and league championships but not the actual Series."

"How do you get tickets?"

He snorted. "Be very rich and very well connected. They cost a small fortune. Only guarantee really is if you're a season ticketholder."

"You're neither," she informed.

"No kidding."

"But you could keep up your batting average, if we went upstairs," she told him.

He snorted. "Just think about something else," he said. "Watch the game."

"I don't want to think about something else. This is what I'm thinking about right now. That shrink today was all …" she stopped.

She could feel Will looking at her. "Was all what?"

She sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"Sure, it does."

She rubbed her index finger over a little string on starting to pull out of the seam on the shoulder of his shirt.

"I nearly died, Will – and … it's just has made me want to have that connection and contact with you so badly … and it's like they're saying I can't have that right now. And I feel like I really need it right now."

"We do have a connection and contact, Liv," he offered.

She shook her head against his shoulder. "We both know it's different. I just really want and need what we have … then."

"We don't need to have sex to be intimate," Will tried again.

She sighed. "I know. It's not that. … It's hard to explain. I just … want to be with you. I think I need it to … heal some of … mental jar of this bullshit. I don't want to have to wait two months because my ribs are a little sore."

"Your ribs will be a lot sore if we end up fracturing them again, Liv."

She made another frustrated noise and rolled her forehead on his shoulder.

"Me holding you isn't enough?" Will finally asked.

She sighed hard. "It's not that. It's just different. You know what I mean, Will. Don't make me verbalize it all."

He rubbed his cheek against the side of her head. "But if you verbalize what you need, I can try to do better to meet that for you some other way in the interim," he offered.

"You're going to make me feel ridiculous saying this out loud," she told him, after laying quietly for a while and still tracing her finger along the seam on his shirt.

"Why would it make you feel ridiculous?"

She rubbed her forehead again on his shoulder. "It just will. Nevermind. I'm fine. We'll wait six more long weeks."

"Just tell me, Liv. You think I'm going to judge you or something? Call off the wedding? File for divorce? … Because you want to sleep with me?"

She groaned at him and lay quietly for a bit, watching the game, as his hand continued to trace light circles on her lower spine. It wasn't really helping her.

She finally sighed. "You just … make me feel cared for, protected, safe, respected, wanted, attractive. I just … want to feel that way right now. I want you to make me feel that way."

His movements stopped and his hand came back up to her shoulder and held her a bit tighter. "I'm not doing those things for you right now?"

"It's not that you aren't, Will," she sighed. "It's just different when we're together. You know that."

He put another kiss on the top of her head. "I just haven't wanted to hurt you," he said quietly.

She understood that. He had been touching her – but he'd been very cautious with his touches. Gentle with his hugs. Careful with his kisses. She felt like he was acting more like her nurse than her husband – and she craved to have her husband at that point. She knew she was sore. She knew it might be a little uncomfortable. But she wasn't as sore as the week before. She didn't want to spend two months being treated like an invalid because of a few broken ribs.

"I would tell you if it hurts, Will," she said. "I've been telling you when things hurt or are uncomfortable. I don't want to break the ribs again or collapse the lung either. I'm not saying we should be stupid about it. I'm just saying … I want to be with you. Stop being my nurse. Be my husband."


	177. Chapter 177

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia didn't think she'd gotten that much attention at the precinct since she'd brought in Noah to show him off when he was a baby. But so many people were stopping her and asking how she was and telling her good job and good to see her and so-on while she made her way up to the squad room. She appreciated it but she also was finding it a little embarrassing. She wasn't really sure what to say to most of it, so she was mostly just nodding and kept on walking.

As usual, Elliot spotted her first and seemed to light up. "Couldn't stay away, could you?" he directed at her, causing Fin to look up from his desk and John to glance behind his shoulder.

"I was summoned," she clarified. "I didn't have a choice."

"Cragen wouldn't have cared if you came in another day," Elliot said.

She gave a small shrug. The reality was she just wanted to get their little meeting out of the way and with Noah headed into the hospital the next day – she wasn't planning on making herself available for this sort of thing any other day during the week.

She glanced over her desk. It looked like they were using it to pile crap on right now.

"I hope it doesn't look like this when I am officially back," she said, nodding at it.

"We'll get it cleaned off for you," Fin said. "Good to see you on your feet, Liv."

She gave him a smile. Fin had been nice company when he'd come into the hospital to see her. Conversation with him flowed so well and it was nice to have a change in pace from her chats with Elliot.

Always the (sometimes failed) Ladies Man, Fin had brought her flowers too. Though, he'd clearly carefully timed it to arrive at a time he didn't think any of the other guys from the squad would be in the room checking up on her.

She'd really had near constant company in the hospital. Will had done his best to be there as much of the day as possible. Though, he had been having to leave to tend to Noah as well. When Will hasn't there, Elliot had been and if not Elliot than May and Ted or Rob and Karen or Tom and Becky. Fin, Munch and the Captain had all been regular presences too. It really felt like they were rotating through. One of them would stop in in the morning, another in the afternoon and a final to check in in the last bit of the day before visiting hours were over. Some times they'd stay for an hour or more – other times, it was just a five-minute hello. It really seemed to depend on who else was in the room or what the doctors, nurses or physio therapists were doing to her at the time.

Even in the spare time where she was alone in the room, it wasn't lost on her that the whole time she'd been in the hospital there'd been a presence in her ward from the first responder community – NYPD, FDNY and EMS. The uniforms were noticeable, some of the faces familiar – though most of them just seemed to stand watch for a while in the hallway - being there in case her or the family needed anything, yet giving them space. She'd seen it before when other people she worked with had ended up in the hospital – but it was the first time she experienced it herself. It felt like a bit of an invasion in a way, but at the same time, she felt a great deal of comfort knowing that these people had her back and that there was an entire community there to help Will and her son until she was back on her feet.

"So let's see it," Munch said to her, eyeing her side with a little too much interest.

She gave him a look. "You want to see it?"

Munch stood up. "You show us yours, and we'll show you ours," he offered.

"You drop your pants, man, and you're getting shot again," Fin barked at him. "No one wants to see that skinny white ass of yours in the flesh. Nasty."

Olivia snorted. "Yeah, John, please keep your pants on."

But she still glanced around the squad room, which seemed strangely quiet for the mid-afternoon, and then hiked up the hem of her shirt on the one side to show off where the bullet hit her.

Fin was closest to her and gazed at it. "Geez they sliced you up good," he commented.

She glanced down. "Yeah, the big one's from the surgery and then that one's where they had the tubing in for the lung. The little one's whatever EMS put in on the scene."

"They'll fade, though. You need to keep that one," he said and nodded his head at the bullet wound, that was starting to look more puckered.

"Let's see," Elliot said, from where she had her back to him.

So she turned and he took a look. "They're looking pretty good, though," he offered.

She nodded. "They're healing."

"At least you finally got to join the club," Fin commented and she glanced over her shoulder at him.

"I think it's a club that I could've done without joining," she said.

"Your scars make the rest of ours look like mosquito bites," John commented and she allowed a snort.

"Mine sure doesn't look like a mosquito bite," Elliot commented and started to undo the first few buttons on his shirt and then pulled the fabric away to reveal his shoulder.

She hadn't seen his bullet wound basically since the injury and it sure hadn't healed that well. The skin still looked really puckered and discoloured. It was definitely apparent he'd been shot.

"Why are two of my detectives in various stages of undress in the middle of the squad room?" Cragen said coming out of his office.

Olivia dropped her shirt and adjusted it back around her waist while Elliot moved to start buttoning his shirt back up.

"Liv was just showing off her badge of honour," Fin commented. "We made Munch keep his pants on."

Cragen looked a little disgusted at the thought of John's naked white ass. But glanced back at Olivia. "I don't get to see?"

She shrugged. "Sure," she allowed and pulled the shirt back up her side again.

He made a bit of a concerned face. "Well, that's a good one," he said but then gestured back towards his door. "I'll be in my office when you're done shooting the shit with these guys."

She snorted and looked at them as Cragen disappeared. "We done shooting the shit?"

"Hey, you all excited for your party?" Fin asked.

She shrugged. "I guess."

"He's helping me plan it," Elliot said, putting his feet up on the side of his desk, clearly not done shooting the shit.

Olivia made a face at that. "That terrifies me," she said.

"He claims to know what the ladies like," Elliot added.

Olivia looked at Fin. "So we're clear – this lady likes her bachelorette party to involve a pub, pitchers of beer and plates of appetizers that are way more battered and greasy than any of us ever need to ingest."

"Crunch, crunch," Elliot commented from behind her and she shot him a small glare.

"Oh, com'on, baby," Fin teased. "I know there's a baby girl hiding somewhere in you. We're going to bling it up for you. Make it glitter."

She rolled her eyes.

"I told them it should be a theme party," John said. "But no one ever listens to me."

"Thank God for that," she said. "I don't want to even think about what your definition of a theme party is, John. Beer and food, guys. That's all I want."

"That's what I told them," Elliot said. "Apparently I don't know how to plan a bachelorette appropriately."

"You're the maid of honour," she said and knocked his feet off the desk with her good arm, as she walked towards Cragen's desk. "You better keep them in line."

She tapped on the side of his door but walked right in.

"Close it," he told her and she did, as he gestured for her to sit down, which she did slowly. The chairs in his office were far from being comfortable.

"So how are you doing?" he asked after she got settled.

She gave him a nod. "I'm getting there."

"Elliot mentioned that Noah's headed back into the hospital."

She rubbed at her eyebrow and gave a small nod. "Yeah, some of his treatment is being injected right into his nervous system now. It will be the first time. His doctor wants to do it in-patient."

"How long will he be in?"

She shrugged. "Hopefully just about five days."

"He handling everything that's going on OK these days?"

She sighed and gave a little shrug. "It's a lot for a little boy but he's holding his own."

He allowed a small nod and gave her a thin smile. "So what are you thinking at this point? When do you think you're going to want to come back?"

"Ah, well, I was originally told they'd be keeping me out a month. So I thought maybe I'd just keep away until after the reception at that point."

He nodded. "OK. They've had you into the therapist yet?"

"Had my first session the other day."

"How many are they making you do?"

"Right now – four."

He tapped a pen on the desk and watched her. "How are you doing with that side of things?"

"I'm OK."

"You're OK?"

She nodded. "I'm OK."

"You took quite the hit. You had us pretty scared."

"I was just doing my job, Captain. I'm OK."

She wasn't sure she was, though. She was OK but the experience had certainly scared her in so many ways. In the job, you always know your life could be cut short. It's part of the job that you have to accept. You can't dwell on it. She thought she had accepted those realities. That was, until she woke up and realized that if something happened to her – her son would be left without her and he really, really, really needed her right now. He didn't just need her like any child needed their mother – he really needed her.

That reality had hit her really hard – not to mention thinking about what her dying would do to both Noah and Will mentally and emotionally. She was experiencing a huge amount of guilt about it all. She was feeling guilty about the concept of her dying – even though she wasn't dead. And she was feeling guilty about the pain and uncertainty they had to go through while she was in the hospital – and for them to worry that something like that could happen again.

Noah had already asked her if she would get shot again. She didn't know how to answer him. She could see the fear in his face when he asked her about it. She could see he was pained that she was in pain. He was worried about her and he was confused. And, she was having difficulty explaining any of it to him. She was really just trying to deflect as much of it as she could and focus more on him and his health – not hers. She wasn't sure if that was fair, though. It likely wasn't. He needed her to be there for him in this way too – to provide answers and context and promises to him. To give him security – and right now, she felt like that sense of security had been robbed from him. He had enough uncertainty in his life.

She was a little concerned that the approvals that would allow her to go back to work wouldn't come through after just four sessions. She was hoping that since Dr. Ashley was conducting the sessions and they'd already established themselves in their weekly sessions – she'd hopefully shuffle the paperwork through. But based on the grilling she'd endured the other day, she was starting to have her doubts about that. Ashley might let the paperwork go through – but she thought it was likely again come with a recommendation that she continue in therapy. It was like it was becoming a lifestyle at that point. She was starting to wonder when she'd ever get out of it.

"Will holding up?"

She snorted and examined the floor. "He's holding his own too."

The way he was dealing with it all was being a little overbearing in a way that was driving her slightly insane. She didn't like him doting on her quite that much – or just generally being in her space and face that much, telling her what to do and not giving her much choice in the matter. In some ways she needed and wanted that. In other ways, she just really wanted him to fuck off. To be her husband and her friend and not to be her nurse or maid.

She knew the whole thing had really scared him. He hadn't spoken to her about it that much yet. She figured he was trying not to burden her – and in a way, she appreciated that. She wasn't sure she could handle hearing what he'd gone through emotionally yet and taking some of that on for him. She knew she needed to – it would be important to their relationship, and he deserved to be heard. But thinking about the pain and fear he'd experienced just seemed like too much at the moment. She hoped he would talk about some of it with his own therapist – but she didn't think he'd gone over to her yet. Maybe he had – between things at work. He hadn't told her, though. Likely another thing he didn't want to burden her with.

Cragen gave her another thin smile at her response. "You seen the company doc yet?"

"He was in before I was released from the hospital. That's when he told me he was listing me as a month out to start. I have a follow-up with him next week."

"You know they want me to put you on ass-duty when you come back?"

She sighed and gave a small nod.

"Might be a good idea," he said.

"I'd be prefer to be contributing a bit more than that," she told him.

"They're shooting for about three months on the desk right now," Cragen said.

She rubbed her eyebrow. "That's a long time."

"How's your rehab going?"

She shrugged. "Only one session since being out of the hospital so far. Have mostly just been focusing on doing the breathing exercises at home. My doctor decided my ribs have mended so I think we'll be getting more into the physical therapy next week."

"What's your sense on when you'd be able to get through the fitness test to get you off the desk?"

She sighed. "Right now, I don't want to speculate. But I sure don't intent to take four months to get there."


	178. Chapter 178

**Title: Hello, Goodbye**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Jack (and his family) have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: A shadow from Olivia's past shows up on her doorstep and offers the opportunity for her to take a very different direction in her life. This story exists outside of the universe that my other stories are happening in. **

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Most of the chapters will ultimately take place outside of the work environment, so there aren't going to be too many references to cases from the show. But this story would generally be starting in about Season 13/14 of the show. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS LIKELY AN M. SPOILER FOR IF THAT'S NOT YOUR THING BUT WANT THE IMPORTANT NON-SEX INFORMATION - LIV AND WILL TALK ABOUT HIM BEING SCARED SHE COULD DIE ON HER JOB AND SOME OF HIS FEELINGS WHILE SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.**

Will pulled away from her and out of her without any sort of explanation – or warning – and rolled off his side and onto his back. She gazed at him for a moment, not sure what to make of the sudden stop, but then scooted over a bit and settled herself against his chest.

"You OK?" she asked, as she rubbed her thumb up the glean on his forehead and pushed some of his matted hair away from there for him. "Taking a break?"

She knew he wasn't really liking the side-by-side, face-to-face positioning they had been using. He seemed OK the night before but just seemed to be humouring her now. She knew he hadn't cum the night before – nor had she. But she still got what she was looking for out of it – the closeness with him.

She got the sense that he was feeling more frustrated now, though. He'd been in her for about 30 minutes at that point – a long time for either of them. If it had been any other position, she likely would've long ago stopped him. But the penetration was so limited and his thrust had been so slow and shallow – it had just felt nice. The sensations at her sex felt fantastic – the slight ache at her core and the aroused tingling spanning through her lower back and up her spine. It was just enough to keep the arousal going while letting her still focus on how nice it felt to have his arms wrapped around her and his chest pressed against her, getting to kiss him and feel his breath hot and sweet in her face and on her lips and against her neck, breathing in his scent, watching his eyes.

Still, she admitted, that she wasn't being an overly active participant. She was kissing him and touching him – but the positioning was leaving him mostly responsible for the actual movements. She'd seen and felt his growing frustrations with the effort involved. The slight glean of sweat on his body had been growing and she'd heard the little noises he was making here-and-there with his efforts. They were more effort related than his usual aroused sounds. She'd felt him try to shift positions a bit too – trying to get a better angle or more penetration or a more comfortable way for him to thrust. But in his movements to do so, he'd jarred her a couple times and she'd made a few little sounds of discomfort, so he'd stopped and gone back to his awkward, slow, shallow thrusts into her.

She'd tried to help him a bit – bringing her hips forward and almost swinging them against him in a brief grind as they met. But she thought she was getting more out of the movement than him again – as his shaft hit against her clit in a way that sent more pleasure spreading through her. And, she'd been purposely holding any growing arousal back a bit. As her muscles tensed – especially in her abdomen, her side was definitely protesting. Pain for pleasure. But she wasn't sure about the pain that she suspected would settle in after she passed the euphoria of an orgasm. So she kept forcing herself to relax her muscles and to just enjoy the sensations and the tingling and the connection and closeness with Will.

"I guess," he mumbled at her. "I didn't think either of us was getting much out of it anyways."

She looked at him and put a kiss on his shoulder. "I was getting a lot out of it, Will," she told him. "It felt amazing – and I was really liking the closeness with you."

He made a grunting noise. "You weren't getting off."

She watched him for a moment – but he had his eyes planted on the ceiling and wasn't making eye contact with her. "It's not about the orgasm for me tonight, Will," she told him. "I just wanted to be with you. And, I actually was really close. It was a little uncomfortable when my muscles were getting ready for it – so I was pulling back from it. I'm sorry."

He glanced at her. "Well, it wasn't working for me," he said flatly.

It stung a bit. She would've hoped that the closeness of the connection had felt as good to him as it had for her. But she could understand he was likely having some sexual tension and frustration at that point. She just wished he'd spat it back at her a little different. Still, she put a few kisses in the crook of his neck.

"I know it's not the best position for you," she offered. "Want me to help you finish?"

She didn't wait for an answer. She hand was already resting halfway down his chest and she started to reach the rest of the way under the blankets to find him. She knew how much Will liked to be kissed deeply while she touched him. But he pushed her arm away.

She looked back up at him, bringing her arm up that he'd just pushed away and rubbing down his cheek. "What's really wrong, sweetheart?"

He shook his head. "I'm just done for the night."

She nodded. "OK, that's fine, Will. But something clearly still wrong. It's OK that I didn't orgasm. You know it's hard for me sometimes. It's pretty normal you wouldn't either, Will. It's not worth getting so upset about. It's a different position than we're used to. The stimulation was different. I can help you or you can do what you need to do, if it's that uncomfortable and frustrating right now."

"I'm fine," he spat out.

"No, Will. You aren't. This isn't normal post-sex behaviour for you. So what's wrong?"

He sighed loudly. "We're taking Noah into the hospital tomorrow to have needles shoved into his spine. Why are we even talking about this? Don't you have more important things on your mind?"

She watched him some more and stroked his stubbly cheek with her thumb and put another kiss along his jaw line. "Is that what this is about?"

"I just don't think whether I fucking cum or not should matter when we're taking our kid in to have fucking chemo on his fucking nervous system, Liv."

"You're right. That's much more important," she agreed.

He nodded. "So, let's stop talking about it."

She rubbed her thumb against his temple. He wasn't pulling away from her at all. She could tell he wanted the touch. He just didn't want to talk about whatever was clearly radiating off of him.

"I know how hard it can be to stay in the moment when there's other things weighing so heavily on your mind, Will," she told him after a while.

It was something they'd already talked about a lot – with her. She struggled a lot with that – between some of the things she saw at work and all the stress of Noah, being present for sex was a challenge. Reaching a climax was at times an even bigger challenge. They'd definitely covered off that it was her – and her issues – not his lovemaking ability. She was responsible for her own orgasm. She appreciated his help and efforts and attentiveness, but ultimately, getting there was her responsibility and some times, it just wasn't going to happen. They hadn't really had to deal with that issue with Will before. Lack of interest or fatigue – those were generally his problems. But that just meant they didn't even start. So him not finishing wasn't really an issue.

"I know how frustrating it can be too when you really want it – and you can't get there," she told him too. "But I always like just getting to be with you even when I can't get there – especially at times like this ... when bigger stuff is going on with Noah. I find it really comforting. Stop trying so hard to get there. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just enjoy the rest of the sensations."

He sighed at her again. So she put another kiss at the corner of his mouth and then a small, closed mouth kiss full on.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

He shook his head and let out a deep breath.

"So talk to me," she said. "What do you want? What do you need right now? Can I help?"

He was quiet for a while. But she could feel his hands tugging restlessly at the sheets, pulling them into bight balls in his fists. So, she just continued to grip him tightly across his shoulders, placing little kisses here-and-there and waiting for him to decide if he was going to say more, if he was going to want to try again, if he was going to let her help him.

"You could've died, Liv," he finally said so quietly. "I'm supposed to be making love to you and all I can think about is you could've died."

It hit her like a tonne of bricks but seemed to take forever to really set in. She put her head back on his shoulder – stilling herself and trying to organize her thoughts.

"I didn't," she told him softly. She felt like too much time has passed before she even managed to get that out but it was all she could think of to say.

"But you could've," he said at a near whisper. "I … I … I was really scared. I thought I was going to lose you too. I can't lose you."

She felt her eyes welling at his statement and she gripped at his opposite shoulder more. "You aren't going to lose me," she told him. "I'm not going anywhere."

He let out a raggedy breath. "You can't promise that."

She put a kiss on his chest just closest to where her mouth was resting. "I can promise I'm not going anywhere of my own volition."

Will sighed. "But that's just it. There's too many other factors. Too much risk. Going through that again. Losing another wife. I can't. I just can't."

"I'm not going anywhere, Will," she told him again. She didn't know what else she was supposed to say.

"But you can't promise that," he said.

"Will, no one can truly promise it. We all die. But … it scared me too, Will. It's really hurting me to know that I could've left you and Noah alone. I can't even explain to you how much that thought hurts me," she said and felt a couple tears slip over and out of her eyes. As the trickled down onto his chest, his arms finally stopped their attack on the sheets and came up around her.

"I don't want to think about what my life would look like without you, Liv," he said quietly after holding her tightly for a while. "You're my best friend. My best friend. No one gets me like you do. No one ever has. You can't just be … gone. But I had to sit there and think about that for … so long, it felt like. I wanted to throw up. I want to throw up now thinking about it. You're my best friend."

"I love you, Will. You're my best friend too. I'm not going anywhere, Will," she said again. It was the only thing she could thing of to say. The only thought she seemed to be forming.

"What would I tell Noah?" Will said and she felt his chest shake as he tried to hold in a sob and that just made her release her own.

"I'm right here, Will," she said. "I don't know what to tell Noah either. I haven't even figured out how to talk to him about any of it yet. I can't. He keeps asking if I'll get shot again and what am I supposed to say to him? I don't know."

She felt her tears starting to stream. "I don't want him to have to grow up without me. That hurts so much. I don't want to miss him growing up. I don't want to miss getting to spend this time with you either. I wish I'd met you 10 years ago, Will. I don't want to miss the time we have left together."

"I just don't know how to resolve what I'm feeling, Liv," he said. "It's real now. It's not … abstract. Noah's right. What if it happens again? What if it turns out differently next time? How do I look at you and not think about that? How do I let you go back to your job knowing that? I don't know how to live like that."

She rubbed his cheek. "We talk about it, Will. We go to therapy. Together. We can't live our life around what-ifs and in fear of maybes. We just have to … keep trudging forward, like we always do."

He shook his head. "I don't know if I can do it. I feel really fucking scared, Olivia. I can't even explain to you …"

She pushed herself up and put another kiss on his jaw line. "I know, Will. You don't have to explain it to me. I know."

"Then what do we do?" he asked and another silent sob shook him.

"We live, right now, Will. I'm here right now. I'm right here."

He gazed at her. He had tears streaming down his cheeks too. She wiped at them for him and started giving him small kisses on his eyes and his cheeks and then finally his mouth. He slowly let her deepen it, though, she could still feel him shaking sobs into her mouth and breaking away a bit to let one shutter through his lungs, before returning to her.

"You're OK," she assured him. "We're OK."

She reached down and found him and slowly worked at returning him to his full arousal – and slowly the little sobs emitting from him were replaced with his little sounds of pleasure. She eventually moved her mouth and placed a few more kisses along his jaw before giving him a kind smile and raising herself up a bit and straddling him. She watched him, his eyes looked at her questioningly for a moment, him clearly not expecting the move. But just gave him another reassuring look – trying to promise him that she was OK, her side was OK, they were going to be OK, and she wasn't going anywhere. So she reached between them and guided him into her and then leaned forward and ran her hands from his abdomen up to his shoulders – and he brought his up to her thighs, resting his thumbs just above the bend in her knees and making some massaging motions there.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered at her.

She gave him a bit of an embarrassed smile and then started to rock against him. He made a few little noises and his one hand came up between them and pressed and stroked his thumb against her with one of her thrusts. It sent a bolt of pleasure through her sex and she clenched tighter around him, letting out a near moan. But she moved her one hand and brought his hand away from her.

"Focus on you," she told him. "Feel it. Breath. I'm right here."

He met her eyes but made no comment, though both of his hands returned to restlessly massaging at her thighs and she felt him starting to squirm restlessly under her more – his own hips coming up slightly off the bed and joining her in the motion.

She adjusted herself, leaning forward more, so she was hanging over him, giving him more access to participate in the movements and he readily did. It was much more effort than their previous position and definitely had a certain discomfort to it with her protesting side. But at the same time, their bodies always fit together so well this way, and he hit at all the right spots – sending the tingles and build up screaming up her spine and spreading all over her body more.

She moved her hand and rubbed down his cheek and he met her eyes.

"Gently," she reminded him, as his thrusts became firmer and more demanding. She could feel each one radiating up her side. But at her request she felt him soften the depth and slow his movements. So she leaned forward even more and captured his mouth and he accepted letting some of his little grunts of arousal tangle with their breathing.

Adjusting herself again, aiming to slow him further and to take some of the pressure off her side, she shimmed a bit more, slowly lowering herself until she was laying flush on top of him, chest-to-chest and his arms came up and wrapped around her, while she returned her mouth to his. She as barely shifting up-and-down him at that point but compensated by squeezing him with each little movement she was making. He kept making his little sounds and she moved her mouth to his neck and ear. She felt him squirming more and more restlessly under her, as his pelvis took on an even more involuntarily life of their own.

She rested herself on her good elbow and looked at him. He was focused elsewhere.

"Look at me, Will," she told him. "I'm right here. Look at me."

He made a little sound and brought his eyes to her – and she kept the contact. "Look at me," she said again.

She worked him, watching his face, while he examined her. She touched his face each time his eyes shifted and he'd snap back to meet hers. She could feel him working for it and see the frustration in his eyes again.

"You're OK," she assured him and put another little kiss on his temple. "Relax."

She moved her legs to fall to either side of his again, releasing some of the tightness around him but giving them both more leverage, and she rocked a bit harder for him.

"God," he grunted almost like he was in pain.

She put another kiss on his temple. "You're OK, sweetheart. I'm right here."

His hands came to her lower back and stroked restlessly, reaching down and squeezing at her ass too. She could feel the changes in his body – in her and under her. She watched his face, keeping the eye contact with each thrusting motion she was making.

"Com'on, Will. Let go," she told him. "It's OK."

"Liv …" he mumbled at her.

She gave him a nod and kissed him again near his ear. "It's OK. I'm OK. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

He made another little noise and gazed at her with glassy and unfocused eyes.

"It's OK, Will," she assured him again and caught his lips briefly, this staying flush against him. She sucked up the discomfort and rocked herself harder against him. "I'm right here," she told him in his ear.

She felt his breath hot against her neck, coming in shorter and harder pants. His hands found her hips and held her tightly as she moved against him.

"Com'on," she whispered at him and took his lobe into her mouth.

She felt him in her – his hardness becoming more demanding and his hands gripping at her more tightly as he made his telltale grunts and his hips slammed up into her several times (it was jarring and her side screamed with it) before he stilled and seemed to twitch under her. She put a few more kisses just under his ear and let herself settle her whole weight on top of him – resting and coaching her body through the pain and relaxing her muscles. She focused on the feel of his arms around her and the softness of his skin. She could feel his chest still heaving and his heart pounding. But he moved his hands back up her back again and held her so tightly and comfortingly to him, as he put a kiss against her temple.

"Thank you," he said softly after a long while of silence and just holding each other.

She stroked his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, Will," she said again.


	179. Chapter 179

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She finished filling out the form and shoved the clipboard back across the desk to the woman manning the admitting desk. She really wondered how many more times she'd have to fill out the same paperwork, consent to the same things, review the same fees and sign her name consenting to all this medical torture to make her son better.

She glanced over her shoulder. Will had Noah calm for the moment. It had been a challenge getting him going in the morning. He knew he was going into the hospital – for an actual stay and not just an appointment – and he hadn't wanted anything to do with it. He had made sure to make every step of the way – from getting him feed, to washing his face and brushing his teeth, to getting him dressed, to making sure he had everything he wanted in his backpack, to getting on transit and over to the hospital – as difficult as possible.

There'd been tears, there'd been tantrums, there'd been talking back and stomping feet. She'd had to remind him again that Mommy still really wasn't feeling well, that he was too big of a boy to be pushing and shoving at her and that if he did, he could end up having them both in the hospital – then she couldn't be with him, and he wouldn't like that very much. But even with that, Noah had been being so physically defiant, she really did have to step back and let Will take over.

Getting him dressed had been quite the show. She was having flashbacks to when he wasn't even two and would flail around and struggle with her and she tried to get his arms and legs into his outfits. Only he was a lot bigger now and it was a little ridiculous. She'd been really close to yelling at him – but had reined herself in. She didn't want to make what was going to be a long day even longer for all of them. She knew Noah was scared. He didn't need to be scared of her on top of it.

Now, though, Noah was standing between Will's knees and leaning right into his chest, completely engrossed in some game on his dad's phone. She didn't completely understand how Noah and Will could lose hours in the stupid apps – Angry Birds, Cut the Rope, Where's My Water, Plants and Zombies. It was like it was the two of them who were the zombies when they started in on those things.

For all Will's protests that he didn't play videogames, he sure had been drawn into the whole app thing. She'd had to ban him from bring the damn phone or iPad to bed. It was worse than the computer – which had been banned from the get-go. He claimed the games helped him decompress and go to sleep. From her observation, it hooked him for far too long, keeping him from sleeping. Not to mention he'd end up swearing at the thing. There'd be multiple instances where she thought he'd gotten some bad email from work – only for him to tell her he'd just flubbed up something on a stupid game.

Will had tried to get her in on the 'fun' a couple months ago. He'd gone and installed some word games on her phone without asking, which had initially pissed her off enough.

"It's my work phone too – you can't be trolling around on it," she'd told him super annoyed when she'd discovered the new icons clogging up her screens.

"It's not like I looked at your email or your documents or anything. I put a couple apps on it. Relax."

She'd about wanted to punch him.

"You touch my work computer," he'd said.

"I move your computer off the fucking dining room table so we can eat. Or would you rather something get spilled on it? You have such important stuff on there."

"Oh – so files can only be important if they're police work, right? I've got my research, students' marks, assignments. There are lots of important – confidential documents – on my electronics in this house too, Olivia."

After she'd calmed down enough about the whole thing, she felt badly about their argument and belittling of each other's work. So she'd at least agreed to look at the one app. He'd excitedly told her that they could play together – during the day.

That had set her off again at the time.

"When do I have time to play games at work?" she'd rolled her eyes at him.

"You're always complaining about getting stuck in traffic."

"I look over files. I respond to emails. Make calls. I use the time."

"Or you could take a few minutes and play a round with me."

She'd huffed at him – but eventually humoured him. Until she realized he was beating her badly ever time. Not narrowly. He was humiliating her. Initially that had just spurred her to play him more – to make it her mission to destroy him. It hadn't really worked. She'd just got more and more frustrated with it.

"You just don't understand the mechanics of the game, babe," he'd told her one night while she forced him to lay in bed next to her playing the fucking game – when she'd put a brief hiatus on the no-apps in bed ban.

"You make words. What more do I need to understand?" she'd barked at him.

"You search and tap too much. You've got to keep your finger moving – look for patterns and groupings, use your power-ups at the right time."

She just shook her head at him. "It's a word search, Will. There isn't some … mathematical theory to a fucking word search."

He shrugged. "You'd be surprised."

"OK, Will, you're smarter than me," she'd snarked at him and then invited him to another match – apparently determined to make sure she went to bed upset with him. He didn't accept her game request and she'd glared at him.

"I think we've played enough tonight."

"One more," she'd said.

"I think you need a break from it. Maybe permanently."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't think you and game apps are meant for each other, Liv."

She just shook her head at him. "One more."

He'd near pried the phone out of her hand. "Not tonight."

He'd removed the app from her phone when she'd went looking for it the next day and though she'd reinstalled it herself, he didn't accept her game invites anymore.

"Because you're a crazy person playing that game," he'd told her. "You aren't fun to play with."

"You always win. You think that's fun for me?"

"Probably not – but interacting with my psycho wife at home is likely worse."

"That's pretty mean."

"Calling you psycho or not playing with you?"

"Both," she spat at him.

He'd put a kiss on her temple. "I'm sorry I ever touched your phone. No more apps for you."

She'd been supremely annoyed with him at the time. But now looking back on her couple week game spree – she was glad to have it out of her system. She'd lost too much time and sleep to it. She had too many other things to keep her awake at night. She didn't need a stupid game on that list. So she'd stuck with her newspaper crosswords instead and left the apps to the boys. Though, looking at the father-and-son stunned expressions at the moment – she kind of thought that maybe they could do without them too, no matter how quiet it was keeping Noah.

"Will," she called and he looked up at her and she waved him over.

Will just gave her a small nod and stood, nearly tossing Noah under his arm to carry him over. It looked awkward and uncomfortable to her – but it wasn't more than a 20-foot length for him to cover and Noah seemed to think it was hilarious. Him laughing would hopefully make things a bit easier until they got him settled in his room. Will did some sort of fancy maneuver and flipped her son up and settled him onto his hip when they got to the window.

She gave them a little smile and handed Will his blue pass, which it looped over his neck and Noah instantly took it to examine it. He still did it every time they were in the hospital. He was always far more fascinated with Will's than he ever was hers. She actually thought those stupid blue security-express visitor passes served as the greatest visual affirmation to Noah that Will was Daddy than anything else. Her son was still convinced that blue passes and Dads went together – no matter how many other possibilities they'd discussed.

It didn't much matter now, though. Will was Dad – and the pass did re-affirm it, clearly stating Noah Benson, Pediatric Oncology, with Will McTeague, Father under it for everyone to see as Will passed through the various doors and security checkpoints over the coming days. She actually liked seeing it too. She liked the looks of it on him. It suited him. Far better than the "authorized visitor" that he'd had to check in as for Noah's hospital stays at the beginning of their journey.

She reached out and gave his hand a small squeeze. He gave her a questioning look. "Love you," she mouthed silently at him and it caused his face to light up and a smile to tug at his lips and he returned her grip, lacing his fingers in hers.

The admitting receptionist pushed her insurance card along with Noah's hospital card back to her and she reached for them to shove into an accessible pocket for when they got up to the ward.

"OK, Noah," the woman smiled at her son. "I'm going to need your right wrist to put your bracelet on for you."

Noah glared at her. "I'm not going to sleep and I'm not doing surgery."

The woman gave him a thin smile and cast a sympathetic look at her and Will. "OK, but I still need your wrist."

Noah wrapped his arms around Will's neck instead. Will sighed and grabbed at his one arm to pull it away from him. "Com'on bud," he said. But Noah kicked both of his heels into him and it must've been hard because Will grunted and it looked like he near dropped him.

Olivia shook her head and grabbed his chin and pulled it to meet her eyes. "You do not kick, Daddy," she said sternly with anger brimming in her.

Noah looked at her with big eyes, clearly aware what he'd done was wrong and that he was in trouble. He tried to jerk away but she held him firm, her thumb stroking at where it was against the bottom of his cheek, trying to calm him but ensuring he couldn't move either.

"You apologize Noah," she told him. He glared at her defiantly. "I'm very serious," she warned him. He continued to glare. She shrugged. "No allowance this week. And no allowance until you're ready to apologize – and mean it. That was incredibly rude, Noah. I don't care if this is a hospital day. Kicking anyone is completely unacceptable behaviour." She looked at Will. "Put him down," she told him. "If he thinks he's going to be kicking people – neither of us is carrying him today."

"Mommy," Noah whined as Will let him slide to the ground and their son still clung at his waist.

"You do not kick people," she told him sternly again. "You'll hurt someone." She grabbed at his arm. "Give the lady your wrist, Noah."

"Mommy," he near cried at her, though, he let her take his arm off of Will and turn him toward the desk and hand his limp arm to the woman who quickly strapped the thing around him, clearly hoping to get rid of them and the production that was starting in front of her.

"You know where you're going?" she asked.

Olivia nodded – and took Noah's hand. "Com'on," she told him. "We're going upstairs to the ward."

He didn't budge.

"Noah – they have lots of other people waiting – com'on."

"Mommy," he cried and stomped his foot.

"None of this, Noah," she told him sternly.

"I don't want to go to sleep or do surgery," he near screamed at her as his tears started streaming down his face.

She literally dragged him a couple feet to stop blocking the next person in line and then both her and Will were crouched down in front of him. Will was stroking at the side of his head while she tried to catch his eyes, holding his hands in hers.

"Sweets, I know you don't want to. But you have to," she told him. "We all have to do things we don't want to but we just have to – and this is going to make you better."

"No. I don't want to," Noah wailed more.

Will sighed at her and picked up Noah, despite her ultimatum to him a moment before.

"Let's go into the hallway where we have a bit more privacy," he said to her quietly as Noah gripped at him.

"Daddy, I don't want to," Noah sobbed into his neck.

Will rubbed at his back. "I know, bud. But this isn't optional."

"I don't want to," Noah cried again.

Olivia sighed hard and looked at the ceiling as she followed Will and her son back into the hallway. It was going to be a very long five days.


	180. Chapter 180

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She wrapped her arms around Will as soon as she got out of the xray bay – getting a few minutes away from Noah's cries.

He was pushing it. He was determined not to make any of this day easy. He'd struggled with the nurses and technicians, played mute with Dr. Covens and just wailed at her and Will when they had his room to themselves. He'd refused to walk down to get his xrays done and had to be taken down on a fucking gurney and had wailed down the halls most of the way.

She thought he was being more ridiculous about the entire thing than he had when he'd first had to come in for his induction and experience a whole flurry of unknowns. She'd actually outright told him some of the littler kids in the ward were being way more grown-up about everything than him. It'd been the wrong thing to say. It just made him wail harder. But she was just feeling so frustrated with him. She got mad at herself when she let herself become frustrated with him when it was about his health. Some days it was just so hard, though. Some days she just wanted a 'normal' child.

There were moments in all of it that she sometimes wondered if she'd somehow been able to know that her son would have to endure all of this, if she'd have still wanted a child. No one thinks about having children and thinks about the possibility of them having a critical or terminal illness in their future. They may worry about the possibilities of birth defects or other mental or physically disabilities – but they don't think about the possibility that at some point that their child might end up with cancer. Or at least she hadn't. She'd worried about Down syndrome. She'd worried about autism and Asperger's. She'd worried about the unknowns in her genetics and what she might be passing on. She worried about her mothering skills. She worried about what his personality would be like. She'd worried about the world around him – and all the darkness in it, all the preps out there, all the bad things that could potentially happen to him if she wasn't vigilant. She worried about all sorts of things – some more extreme and unrealistic than other. But that he'd get leukemia hadn't been one of them.

She'd dealt with a lot in her life. She felt like she'd seen a lot – more than her share. She knew what pain was. She knew what hardship was. She knew that it always could be worse. She knew that there were other people going through more than her – and had emotional scars that cut far deeper. Still, she didn't think anything could've ever prepared her for what having a child with cancer meant. It was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting on so many levels – and it just never really seemed to stop. Even on the 'good' days when their 'new normal' seemed more 'routine' – it was still there. It was always there. Some days it just wore her down. Some days she just didn't want to do it anymore. Some days she just wanted that magic wand to wave and to make him better. Some days she just wanted to open her eyes in the morning and for it all to have been a bad dream.

Dealing with it all just made dealing with the rest of the bullshit in her life that much harder. It made going to work that much harder. Seeing the things she saw that much harder. Looking at the perps harder. Dealing with the victims harder – especially the children. And now having watched her life flash before her eyes she'd been forced to think about Noah's illness in an even more real and terrifying way. She'd thought about her life without her – his life without her. It stung.

In her moments of self-pity she sometimes felt like existence was out to get her – punishing her for something. Sometimes it made her feel like she should've known better than to bring a child into the world. She should've seen the signs and known it would be a bad idea. It could only go badly. She'd just never imagined that badly would be this kind of badly.

She could feel that part of Noah's anxiety this hospital stay was related to her. He hadn't vocalized that – but it was the only thing that had changed. His clinginess, his whininess, his tears. There was no consoling him. She was struggling with what to do – how to sooth him. They couldn't go through five days like this. They were only four hours in and she was already at her wits end. She was still so tired and sore and exhausted and emotional herself. His turmoil was just pushing her closer and closer to her own edge and she didn't want to plummet off that vertical drop. She wasn't sure she was in the mental, emotional or physical position to survive that fall at the moment. She was still really struggling to bounce back on her own and to put on a strong face for those around her. It was hard.

Noah was just going to destroy himself with it too if he wouldn't level. She knew if he didn't calm soon they'd likely have the psychologist and the social worker in their room. They'd also likely be sedating him too. She didn't want her son even more drugged out of his skull than he already was. She just wanted her little boy – such as he was. She wanted this to be as easy for him as possible. But he was refusing to make it easy. He seemed bound-and-determined to make it hard this time. It was hurting her now and she knew it would hurt even more as she had to send him through the procedures in the coming days. Watching him go through it was one thing. Having to deal with each cry as he did just tore her to pieces.

"If I knew then what I know now, I don't know I would've had him," she admitted to Will at such a whisper against his neck she wasn't even sure if she'd allowed herself to say it out-loud.

"You would've," he returned, holding her a bit tighter. "He's yours. You two are made for each other."

She shook her head against him. "It's so hard. I hate him hurting so much."

He gave her a small kiss in her hair. "He's OK, Liv. He's just scared about the treatment tomorrow. He's going to be fine."

"He doesn't seem fine. He's never like this."

He rubbed at her back but didn't say anything.

"It's because I was in the hospital, isn't it? Because I got shot?"

Will sighed. "I don't know, Liv."

She rested her forehead on his shoulder.

"They're likely going to send in some of the team to talk to him," Will said quietly. "Maybe we should encourage him to talk about that."

"I don't want to talk to him about dying. Me dying. Him dying. Dying." Even the word made her eyes glass and voice almost crack.

"Maybe he needs to talk about it."

"This fucking life," she mumbled against him.

He rubbed his cheek against the side of her head and put another kiss there.

"I wouldn't have survived these past 18 months without you," she admitted quietly. She knew he knew it – but she'd never really verbalized it for him before.

She felt him give a little shrug against her. "I wouldn't have survived these past four years without you – and him. I wouldn't be surviving now either. Was is, is. It's what's meant to be."

"Some meant to be," she said.


	181. Chapter 181

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She watched Noah come out of the bathroom at the end of his room. He was maneuvering his IV stand a little awkwardly but at the same time almost too expertedly.

"You need help, sweets?" she called to him.

But he just glanced at her and pulled the thing over the little lip at the door and headed back towards his bed. He had put up enough of a fuss during the day, he seemed to be tired at that point. She thought they'd manage to get him through the night OK.

"Where's Will?" he asked as he made his way back.

"Daddy just went downstairs for a bit," she told him, staying put in her big armchair for the moment and out of his way and his wrath.

"To eat," Noah said a little accusingly.

She just nodded. "Yes, Noah. Just because you can't eat tonight doesn't mean Mommy and Daddy shouldn't eat. We want to make sure we have lots of energy so we hear everything the doctors are saying tomorrow."

He glared at her. "I want to eat too," he demanded.

She shook her head. "Don't start again, Noah," she sighed a little. She was spent. She didn't think she could handle going through another round of tantrums and conflict that night. She just wanted her little boy to rest and to get through the next day – so they could get the rest of this stay out of the way and get home. "You know you can't eat tonight. You'll get lots after your procedure tomorrow morning."

"I want to eat now," he told her.

She rubbed her eyebrow and just sighed. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but that's not happening."

He glared at her but continued on his way to the bed – at least dropping it for the moment, and given the kind of day they were having, that counted for something.

She watched him. He was hurting so much – emotionally – that day. It'd been apparent all day. Actually, it had kind of been apparent since she got home from the hospital. But she'd just been avoiding dealing with it. Because she was tired, because she was hurting – physically and emotionally, because she didn't know what to say, because she didn't want to say it. She wanted a rewind button or a fast-forward button or a transport them to a different reality button. Something to fix it all and make it better – easier – for all of them. But especially for him.

"Sweets, why don't you come sit with me for a bit?" she called at him and he gave her the smallest glance. "Mommy could really use a hug," she admitted.

He considered her for several moments and she didn't think he was going to agree to it. He was too worked up that day – too agitated and angry and teary to want hugs from Mommy – or at least hugs requested by her. But then he moved his IV stand in her direction and moved towards her. She smiled at him as he reached her and then pulled him up into her lap on the oversized but still grossly uncomfortable chair, adjusting his line and then wrapping her arms around him and placing a kiss against his temple. She hugged him tight to her and he cuddled into his chest and under her chin. She still felt some twinges of discomfort with the movements – a pull in her side, an ache with his weight against her, the stiffness of her raised and extended arm. But it also felt so good to have him there with her. It was the nicest moment they'd managed to have all day – no crying, no fighting, no attitude.

"You know what one of my most favourite things about getting to be your mom is, sweets?"

"What?" he asked quietly.

"This," she said and held him a bit tighter. "Getting to sit with you and hold you and cuddle with you. Hug you."

He rolled his head up and looked at her a little wide eyed. She could see the fatigue in his little face. He'd been crying and fighting with them so much that day – he'd exhausted himself. "You're silly, Mom," he told her.

She shook her head. "It's pretty special, sweets. I get to see you. I get to hear and felt your heart and breathing. I get to smell you."

"I don't smell!" he protested and glared up at her.

She gave him a little smile and planted her nose back against the top of his head. "You do smell. You smelled so good when you were a baby. Maybe you don't smell quite as good now," she teased him. "But you still smell like my sweets – and I like it. But I also like that I get to talk with you – and you say the funniest things."

"No I don't!" he protested louder – still clearly skeptical and slightly unhappy about the smelly comment.

She smiled against his head. "You do. You tell me some of my favouritest stories, Noah. You always make me smile. And, while I told you I get to think about how I got to hold you when you were just a baby – just born – and now how big you are, how much you've grown and changed. You know – if anything ever happened to you – it would be these times, our hugs and cuddles, that I'd remember most and treasure the most. I hope that if something ever happened to me – you'd remember our special times too."

Noah sat quietly at that – and still. She just held him tighter and waited. She could feel him processing. She left her nose and mouth on the top of his head – taking in his scent and leaving the smallest, lightest kiss there.

"You mean if we die?" he finally said quietly.

"There's no if to us dying, sweetheart," she told him softly, as hard as that reality was for her to admit and confirm for him. As much as she didn't want to think about that or to have her young son have to accept yet. "We all die. It is a part of being alive. We have to die. We just don't know when it's going to be. Some people die when they are really old. Some people when they are just babies. Some when they are children and some when they are mommies or daddies but they still have a little boy or girl at home. Everyone is different."

He was quiet again. So she pressed a kiss more firmly into his temple.

"You know, Noah, I think maybe you've been more scared about being in the hospital this time because Mommy was hurt and in the hospital."

He rolled his head against her at that. "You got shot," he said softly.

She nodded. "I was."

"People die when they get shot," he said but didn't look at her. He was looking off into a corner – and both the words and him gazing at something other than her stung. It was causing an ache in her that she couldn't even really explain – that she didn't truly want to think about. But that she knew she had to deal with.

She allowed him another small nod. "Sometimes people do die when they get shot. But people can die all sorts of ways. Sometimes they're just old. Sometimes they have an accident – they fall or get hit by a car or … lots of things. Sometimes they get sick."

"With cancer," he said even more quietly.

She nodded again and blinked at her eyes. She didn't want to cry. "Sometimes some people die from cancer."

"Bobby died," he informed her of another little boy who'd been in the ward with them around the time Noah had gone through his induction.

She'd been so wrapped up in trying to make it all about her, trying to cope with her feelings and maybe projecting some of them and her fears onto him – she hadn't considered how much all the other factors really could be playing into it. This was just an added heap to Noah's already overflowing plate of fears and anxiety and sickness and death all around him. She – her job, her career choice, her drive, her life – it had just brought more of that, more pain, into his life. More confusion. More hurt. More fear. More to worry about. She hated that. He already had enough. He already saw too much hurt in too many little people at such a young age. It already left him with too many questions.

She drew him even tighter to her. "Bobby did die," she said softly. "But Bobby had a different kind of leukemia than you and he was very, very sick. That's not like you."

"Then how come I am in the hospital again Mom?"

She sighed and rubbed her cheek on his head. "Well, because sometimes the cancer is really good at hiding – and the doctors have to trick it into coming all out so they can zap it. Dr. Covens is a really smart doctor and he's been working really hard at getting all the cancer cells to come out from where they're hiding. But from your tests, he knows that there's still some that don't want to come out and get zapped using the chemo you've been going for. They're too smart for that chemo. So he needs be smarter and needs chemo that is smarts, so he zap these cancer cells a different way. That's why we're here."

"But they have to do surgery," he lamented. "When you had surgery you were asleep a long time and had tubes and I wasn't allowed to see you!"

She nodded. "OK, sweetheart, that's true. But Mommy had an emergency surgery – and it was a really big surgery. They had to cut me open and put tubes in and keep me asleep so I could get better. Your surgery isn't going to be like that Noah. Your surgery is more like a procedure. They are going to put you asleep just like when you've had pictures taken – and then they are going to do a really quick procedure. It's going to be like those times when they've had to take a test out of your back. Only this time they are going to put medicine into your back. It won't take long – and you won't be cut open. It's just … going to be kind of like the IV you have now – but into your back. Then you'll be awake and Mommy and Daddy will be right there – right away."

"Then why are they putting me to sleep, Mom?" he protested. She thought he was near tears again.

"Because it's going to be easier for you when you're asleep, sweetheart. Then you aren't going to remember it even happened and you aren't going to have to try to keep still. You're just going to have a little nap."

"But what if I don't wake up?" he asked and she felt him tremble with that. "What if they have to keep me asleep like you?"

She shook her head. "You are going to wake up, Noah. And, Mommy is going to be sitting right next to you, holding your hand, until you do. They aren't going to have to keep you asleep – but if that ever, ever, ever did happen – I would still sit there that whole time and hold your hand and wait for you to wake up."

"But what if I didn't?" he asked again.

"You are going to wake up, Noah," she told him again – but felt like she nearly had to choke it out with glassy eyes while she bit on her bottom lip to try to keep it together.

"But what if I didn't?" he pressed. She knew what he was asking and it pained her. It hurt her more than she could even explain. Every time her little son speculated about his own death – it ripped out pieces of her and shattered parts of her heart. Her having to think about it and deal with it was one thing – knowing that Noah was trying to understand it and accept it and cope with it, it made it all that much harder for her. She hated that – so much.

"If you didn't – I would sit with you and sit with you and sit with you until they told me I wasn't allowed to sit with you anymore. And then in my head, I'd still be sitting with you, Noah. I'd always, always, always be sitting with you and holding your hand and waiting for you to wake up. And then – eventually – we'd be together again."

"You mean when you die too? In heaven?"

She nodded. "Even though we all have to leave here eventually – we'll all see each other up in heaven," she confirmed. As much as she struggled with faith – Will's family's faith, their notion of God and heaven – had so much become a fallback to try to explain and give comfort to Noah. She thought even though she wasn't sure she thought it was true – in fact, she really likely didn't – it gave her some comfort too. It was something to hold on to. Some days she really needed that.

"But what is you die first?" he asked. "What if you get shot again Mommy?"

She wanted to tell him there was no 'what if' to her dying first. That it was a certainty. That she was going to be well into her 80s and he'd be a grown man while into his 40s and with a little boy or girl of his own when she died. That she'd be a ripe old age and he'd have beaten cancer and outlived all expectations.

She didn't want to think anymore about the possibility that somehow cancer could still get the best of him and he could be taken from her. She really didn't want to think that something could happen at work or out on the street or … just happen … and she could be gone – and he'd be left to deal with the hand he'd been dealt in life without her. The natural order of things for them had just been so disturbed and she hated that.

She adjusted him on her lap so she could look at him – catching his eyes and maintain the contact. Taking those eyes in. She was so aware of the fact he'd gotten her eyes – even now with them tired and sick and teary and sunken – it was her eyes that were looking back at her. But his little soul, his whole little being drilling into her. Parts of her but so much of him. Sometimes it still boggled her that she'd got to participate in the creation of this little person – this little thinking, feeling, creative, funny, caring, loving being. It scared her how intense her little boy could be.

"OK, first, sweets, I want you to know that the chances of me getting shot again are really, really small. Mommy has worked as a police officer all her life – a long, long time - and this was the very first time I got shot. Getting shot can happen – but it's not something that happens very often. Most police officers are never, ever shot in the whole time they are ever working.

"Then, I also want you to know that when I'm working – there are lots of other people around to take care of me and look after me and make sure I'm alright if something did happen. There's Unkie Munchie and Fin and the Captain - and especially Uncle Elliot. Me and Uncle Elliot make sure to take really good care of each other. I take care of Uncle Elliot to make sure he gets to go home to Eli … and Dickie and Lizzie and Kathleen and Maureen and Aunt Kathy. And Uncle Elliot takes care of me to make sure I come home to you and Daddy. And, even though an accident happened and a bad guy shot me – Uncle Elliot was right there and he helped me and took good care of me until I got to the hospital and the doctors helped me. And, if I did get shot again, Uncle Elliot will be there to make sure I'm OK again. OK?"

"But what if you do die?" he asked her again with his big, sad brown eyes.

It made her look down for a moment – breaking her eye contact away from him. She'd been thinking about that too much lately. She hated thinking about it. She didn't want to think about it anymore. She especially didn't want to talk about it with her young son. He didn't deserve to have to be thinking about these things. He was just a little boy. He already had to deal with more than his share – he didn't need this too.

"Noah, when I die, I'm going to still be with you," she finally tried. "You may not be able to see me. But I promise, I will make sure that I get to still watch over you."

"How do you know if that will be allowed? Maybe that's not how it works Mom? Or maybe God will say no? Or maybe there's no heaven and you're just dead?"

She shook her head. "I know, Noah. I don't know what – but I know there's something. You aren't just dead." She was really struggling to keep it together.

"How do you know?"

She looked up at the ceiling and really willed the tears to stay in. It was such a fight. She wished Will would come back – or that he would know some magic answer to calm Noah's fears and to get her out of this conversation. She wished there was just some answer she could give him that would make it better – easier.

"I know … because … well, I've got Daddy and he knows lots about God and heaven and that helps me. And Nana and Popa. And Uncle Elliot too. All of them believe – and their faith helps me believe too."

"Maybe they are wrong," Noah lamented. "Maybe you just don't ever wake up."

She shook her head again. "OK, Noah, how I really know … is my mommy, your grandma, I know you didn't get to meet her, but she died a long time ago now. But I still feel her, Noah. I know she's still watching over me and I think she's watching over you too."

"How she watching over us?" Noah looked at her questioningly.

She hugged him tighter. As flawed as her mother was – as crappy of mother as she could be – she was still her mother. And, for all the bad times – Olivia still clung onto the fact she was her mother. Though in some ways, now that she was a mother herself, it had made her less forgiving of some of Serena's choices in actions – in others, she'd become a bit more sympathetic. Her mother wouldn't have wished this on her – and she wouldn't have wanted it for her small son. She'd be hurting too. But even for all her drinking and all her anger – she did care. She thought she'd still care now. She'd wouldn't want Olivia to be hurting like this. She wouldn't want her little boy to be sick and scared. She wouldn't know how to make it better – hell, she might make it worse and harder in the process – but she would've wanted it to be better.

"Ah. Well, sometimes … when Mommy is feeling … a little scared or … overwhelmed by everything we're going through as a family … I think about my mommy. And my mommy had to deal with some pretty hard things and even though it was hard she did her best to keep going. So that strength – her strength – it's still here and helps me to keep doing the same."

"What hard things? Cancer?"

Olivia shook her head and rubbed at her eyebrow. "Someone hurt your grandma really, really bad and it made her hurt her whole life. And, because of it, your grandma never found a nice man like Daddy. So it was just me and grandma. So sometimes she as pretty sad and lonely – and dealing with all of it was really hard for her."

"But now she's still watching?"

Olivia nodded. "I think so. She's making sure we're all OK."

"But we aren't OK, are we Mom?"

She felt the tears start to slip out at that and she sucked at a sob that threatened to wreck through her body. She had to reach up and wipe at the tears – trying to get them to stop – but forcing her to release the grip on Noah. He gazed at her.

"I think we're OK, Noah," she managed, though a little sputtery. "We've got each other. You, me and Daddy. We love each other and we have a lot of fun together. We just … are having to deal with some hard things. But that doesn't mean we aren't OK."

He gripped at her, his little arms wrapping around her – putting a surprising amount of pressure against her aching side. But she still gripped him back, resting her cheek against his head again and holding him as tight as she could.

"Then why are you crying, Mommy?" he asked.

She shook her head against him and placed several small kisses against his temple.

"I'm sorry, sweets," she apologized, even though she felt like she was making it worse by doing so. "It's just that … I love you so, so much …. And sometimes … it makes me so sad that these are things you have to think about."

"Don't be sad, Mom," he mumbled against her.

"I just want you to know, sweets, that Mommy thinks about all those things too. And, since I was shot, I've been thinking about them lots too. Sometimes they make me a little scared and sad too. But no matter what ever happens – I'm always going to be a part of you and you're always going to be a part of me. And we'll always, always think of each other and remember each other and I hope smile and laugh about each other. Because I'm so happy and so proud to have a little boy like you – because you're so strong and so brave. And, that's helped keep me strong and brave during all of this. It really, really helps me now to know I've got a son like you."

He rubbed his head against her more. "I'll be brave tomorrow, Mom," he finally promised quietly.

She pulled him tight to her again – crushing his skin and weight and being against her, as close as she could. "I know you will, Noah. But you're allowed to be scared too. I'll stay with you and be strong and brave while you can't be. It's OK." She put another little kiss against his head.


	182. Chapter 182

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She glanced a little behind her as she heard Will move in his chair. He'd gotten stuck with the hard extra visitor chair and he'd be shifting around in it for hours now. They hadn't been talking really – and she could see how tired he was.

"Sweetheart," she sighed at him. "Just pull up the covers on the bed and lay down for a while."

He gazed at her. She could tell he was thinking about it. He looked longingly at the bed. She knew he was so tired. He hadn't been sleeping – not at home, not while she was in the hospital and now not here. Not last night and definitely not that day. He was exhausted. She knew it. She couldn't blame him.

"I don't want to contaminate the bed for him," he mumbled and slouched more in the chair.

She shook her head. "He'll be fine. Lay on the top blanket. We'll have the nurse bring a fresh blanket – if he decides he wants to move to the bed."

She didn't think that was going to be happening. Noah was in her lap and completely curled against her. He'd been asleep for about three hours at that point and she was hoping that it continued for hours more.

The lumbar puncture and intrathecal therapy had proved to be some of the longest 30 minutes of their journey so far. She didn't know if it was how scared and upset Noah had been about it or just how physically and emotionally exhausted she was right now. But she'd felt like a bundle of nerves while they sat waiting for him to be rolled out and to be told they could go and sit with him in recovery. She'd been so tense about it, she'd had to take an extra one of her anxiety pills and she didn't even really feel like that helped – at least not as quickly as she wanted it too. She just felt so scared for him and tense for him and just … wanting it all to be over.

Lately her ability to go with the flow of this 'routine' had been so compromised. She just found herself wishing it was all over – that he was better and they could all just move on with their lives.

When he'd come out of the anesthesia, the vomiting had started almost as soon as they'd given him some sips of water. It'd been so severe and consistent that she had been sure that he'd be puking all night. But they'd managed to eventually find the right combination to calm Noah's heaving. Not before he'd been a mess of tears about it, though. It only seemed to add to her helpless feeling that day. There was only so much she could do for him beyond comforting him and trying to sooth him – being there for him. Most days that never really felt like enough. She just wanted to take away all the pain, the misery, the annoyance for him - and she couldn't.

It'd been even worse in that he wasn't supposed to move for the first six hours after the procedure – to stay lying down, to stay on his back. That hadn't been much of an option with him vomiting and it instinctively causing him to sit up. He'd quickly realized that they'd put a catheter in – on the expectation that he'd start needing to urinate all the fluids out from the IVs the day before and not wanting to fumble with a bedpan while he was supposed to be being still. At that point Olivia was really regretting having been talked into allowing that. She'd hoped it'd be removed before he even was aware enough to care. But he'd really, really cared. It had caused a lot more tears and panic. When he did actually have to pee – it'd taken a lot of encouragement to convince him to just let go and pee. It was about at that point they'd given him another sedative – because urinating through a tube had been added to the list of things that had now pushed her emotional son to the brink.

It'd all been too late, though. All Noah's stirring had disturbed the plaster covering the needle puncture and they'd had to re-administer it. While they'd had the plaster off, they'd discovered that there was already seeping of blood and spinal fluid coming from the puncture – which seemed to have caused a minor panic from the nursing staff and resulted in him rolled back down the hall to be re-examined by the doctor who'd preformed the surgery before it was cleaned up and bandages wrapped around him instead. The whole ordeal hadn't just upset Noah – it had Olivia wondering what the hell they were doing to her son.

It was more than she'd bargained for in agreeing to the procedure and this course of treatment. It had she scared out of her mind that they were going to have to go through this every three weeks. Will trying to console her that this was exactly why Dr. Covens had admitted him for the first round wasn't helping at all. It was actually making her feel a little aggravated with him. She didn't want his positivity. She wanted him to be aggravated and concerned and angry too. She didn't want his calm, his evenness, his consistently clear-headedness in the hospital. She wanted him to shut-up or to get worked-up at the doctors too. To be demanding answers. But he just kept gripping her hand, squeezing her shoulders, a placing reassuring kisses against her temple, no matter how many times she pulled away and gave him a dirty look. She would rather stand crossed-armed and pacing, glaring at the doors her son was behind, waiting – than take Will's reassurances that day.

She'd been so relieved when they finally said Noah could officially move – and she'd been able to scoop him up and settle him into her lap. They hadn't moved since then. Even when the nurses had come in – she'd let them check his vitals while she continued to hold him, let them lift his bandages and check his puncture while he was with her, let them collect the jug of urine and untangle his lines from her. She wasn't letting him go that night – and Noah was making no move to leave her either. He hadn't been able to eat, he'd barely drank.

All his movement and the procedure itself had resulted in a spinal headache, which she couldn't imagine exactly what it felt like, but it seemed to be excruciating. She'd eventually consent to them pumping heavy-duty narcotics into her son to give him some relief. It'd seemed to have numbed the pain he'd been so teary about in his back too. And, maybe more importantly, it had put him to sleep again.

She thought it might be the first time in days that Noah had really slept. He needed it – even if it was drug induced – and she so needed him to have it. She could only hope tomorrow would be better. As better as it could be while the new drugs continued to take hold in his system and their side effects became more apparent. As the nurse came to pull out the catheter – which she knew from a female's perspective was short-lived but not exactly pleasant. She didn't want to imagine what the sensation might be like for a men or what sort of trauma the visual display might cause for a little boy. She was going to ensure that Noah didn't watch. Then, he was supposed to have his port removed too the next day. It just sounded like another day from hell – especially with Noah's current mental state. He wasn't in the right mind-space. He was so fragile.

"Maybe you should get into the bed with him," Will suggested to her.

She just shook her head at him. "We're good here, Will," she assured him. "Please, lay down. I need you to sleep too."

He looked at her and she met his steady gaze. She could see his fatigue and his own sadness. He was struggling this hospital stay too. They all were.

"Lay down, Will," she said again. "Sleep for a few hours. Please. I'm fine."

He sighed but got out of the chair and kicked off his shoes before trudging over to Noah's bed and clambering in. She gave him a small smile as, he got into his side-sleeping position and pulled the pillow vertical to rest his cheek on and hug to his chest. It was just something he did. But he also often used the crook of her neck or her shoulder for the same purpose – wrapping his arms around her. She thought they both liked that a bit better. She could actually use some of that touch and cuddling from him that night at that point too.

"More comfortable?" she asked.

He gave her a little nod. "Yeah," he agreed.

She nodded and allowed him another thin smile. She felt a little bad about how she'd been with him that day. She knew he understood where it was coming from. They both dealt with their stress in the hospital and about Noah very differently. But it still always left her feeling a little guilty when she wasn't able to accept his niceties, his comfort. Sometimes she still had trouble even accepting that someone was there and willing and able to provide that for her – even after all these years with him. And, sometimes she just wanted to be angry. She thought she was having an angry day that day.

"He doing OK?" Will asked as he gazed at the two of them.

She glanced down at Noah's little sleeping frame again. Sometimes he still seemed so small to her. She wondered how he'd ever catch up to kids his age with his growth. But the doctors had already told her that he likely never really would. Children who've had leukemia were usually below average height as adults – and were often either underweight or overweight. She suspected Noah would fall in the underweight realm. He'd already been in there anyways his whole life with his early arrival.

Sometimes in her head when she imagined him as a man – she saw Kurt. Other times she pictured more Will, even though he wasn't biologically his. But the reality was – she really didn't know what he'd look like anymore. Short, thin, pale? His hair might not ever really come back in. Or it may never come back as his … her … dark brown. The hair that had come back on-and-off during his treatment had been near blonde. Genetics didn't seem to play a role anymore. Sometimes she looked at him and just saw … cancer, leukemia, illness, sickness, fatigue. She hated that.

But right now he just looked like such a little boy. He very near had his face buried in her bust. She hadn't made any move to adjust his positioning, though. She didn't want to stir him – to potentially cause him discomfort or wake him. She figured he spent the first eight months of his life with his face buried against her breasts – if he wanted to use them as pillows now – let him. She placed another small kiss on the top of his head.

"He's OK," she told Will and gave him another small smile. "I'm just glad he's sleeping."

Will adjusted his legs a bit more and gazed at her under heavy lids. She could tell he wanted to close them.

"When's the nurse coming in again?" he mumbled a bit.

She squinted to the end of the room in their dark room trying to make out the clock on the wall. She didn't want to let go of Noah so she could check her own watch.

"Hmm. I'm not sure Will," she said. "Probably an hour or so."

He made a mumbling sound and rolled a bit more onto his stomach.

"You should put up the foot rest at least," he managed to grunt out. "Try to sleep too."

She gave him another small smile. That was Will – still trying, no matter how grumpy she'd been with him earlier. "I'm resting. I'm OK. I'll drowse."

"Mmm," he mumbled again. "Make a wish," he said.

She snorted. She knew he was referring to their first visit with the wish co-ordinator that was supposed to happen tomorrow too. She really didn't know if Noah was going to be in the right state of mind to understand it or even be really interested it. Let alone for him to want to participate in a conversation with a stranger. Sometimes he surprised her though. Actually he did a lot of the time.

Her and Will had had some chats about ways they might want to try to direct him while also making sure to let him pick for himself. They'd taken into consideration what Dr. Covens had said his coming months would look like – and then balanced that with her own recovery and Will's ability to take time off, if Noah did pick a trip. She wasn't really sure he would pick a trip, though.

"My wish?" she asked.

"Your wish," Will said and opened his eyes a bit more.

"Hmm," she said. "A yacht. Island hopping. Swimming and beaches whenever I wanted. Sand and dolphins. Maybe a few whales thrown in. Lots of sun. Girly, fancy, frozen drinks that I'd never be caught drinking anywhere else."

Will snorted and gave her a little smile. "You need to add on-boat entertainment," he told her.

"Justin Bieber," she said instantly, without even thinking about it.

He allowed a small laugh at that and rolled his head onto his arm to look at her, shaking his head. "I always knew you were a Bieber fan."

"His music inspires me and his intelligence astounds me," she teased back.

He just smiled at her.

"I've got my wishes, Will," she told him. "I've got you and I've got him. And a pretty nice apartment in an area of town I've always wanted to live in. What more can I ask for?"

"Justin Bieber, apparently," he smiled at her.

She snorted at him.

"I love you," she told him.

"I know," he said.

She shook her head. "You're supposed to say 'I love you too'," she informed him.

"I love you too," he agreed.

She rolled her eyes. "It loses something when you have to be coached."

He allowed a small laugh again and eyed her. He didn't need to tell her. He showed her all the time.

"What about you?" she asked.

"My wish?"

"Your wish," she mirrored his language.

"Hmm," he thought about it and rolled his cheek around on the pillow some more. "I don't know," he finally said.

"We're being silly," she told him. "Keep it going. Pick something."

"Lifetime tickets to the Yankees. An all-you-can drink beer pass and all-you-can-eat hot dog pass for the stadium too."

She snorted. "Do such things existed?"

He smiled. "I don't think so. But they should."

"Not a trip then?" she asked.

"Mmm," he thought about it. "There's trips I'd like to go on. But I've been on trips before. I like home."

"You like New York?" she teased. She knew he had such a love-hate relationship with the city in so many ways.

"I like home," he corrected. "You and Noah are home."

She gave him another smile at that.

"And, I couldn't drag you out of New York even with a train tied to your waist," he told her.

She snorted. "You never know, I might be convinced."

He rolled his eyes. "Right," he said sarcastically. "And, even in the statistically improbable possibility that that would ever happen – Noah is even more fucking New York than you."

She shook her head. "I don't know. I'd say he's pretty Staten Island anymore," she said.

He's smile grew wider at that. "I think that's probably insulting to me and to him, Liv. But I'd like to remind you that Staten Island is part of New York City."

She looked like she had to think about that – teasingly. "Is it? Are you sure? Could've fooled me."

He rolled his eyes at her – but then just gazed at her some more, in a way that just made even more clear to her just how in love he was. It was ridiculous. But it was OK. She was pretty in love with him too. Even when he annoyed the shit out of her and she spent the whole day being as grouchy-as-fuck with him.

"What do you think he's going to pick?" Will finally asked.

She shrugged. "I really don't know, Will. I'd say there's a reasonable chance we're going back to Florida. It seems to be what they specialize in and it's the only real point of reference he has in terms of travel."

"He might pick to meet someone," Will speculated.

"Chewbacca?" she suggested.

"That'd be fucking amazing," Will smiled.

"Whatever makes him happy," she conceded.

She watched Will watching her and Noah for a while.

"Close your eyes, Will," she encouraged. "Sleep for a bit. At least until the nurse comes and wakes us all up again."

"Maybe she'll successfully do what she needs to do without waking us this time," he said.

She smiled. "Doubtful."

"Maybe without waking Noah?" he suggested.

"Doubly doubtful," she said.

"Mmm," he muttered.

"Go to sleep, sweetheart. You need to be rested tomorrow to deal with them pulling tubes out of his penis. I'm only with you because I needed someone else to take responsibility for all penis-related issues, remember?"

He snorted. "Yeah. That reminder makes me feel loved and important in this relationship."

"You're very deeply loved and extremely important in this relationship," she told him.

He smiled. "I love you," he said.

"I know," she teased.

"You're supposed to say 'I love you too'," he teased back.

"I love you too."

"It loses something when you have to be coached," he said repeated and then promptly closed his eyes.


	183. Chapter 183

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"So are we back to you letting the clock run-down?" Dr. Ashley asked.

Olivia snorted at the comment and slowly brought her eyes up from where she'd been examining the floor.

"Sorry," she said and tucked a piece of her hair back behind her ear. "I'm just tired. I was waiting for you to ask something."

"I asked how your week was going," Ashley informed her, making firm eye contact at the statement.

Olivia examined her. She hadn't heard the question. She almost wondered if she'd sort of drifted off in her examination of the floor from her seat on the couch. Though, it was just as likely she hadn't been listening – because she really hadn't been. She had other things on her mind.

"Ah, I'm actually having a less than stellar week," she said with a shrug.

Ashley gave her a thin smile at that. "Well, six months together, Olivia, and that's the first time I've heard you admit that." But Olivia just shook her head at that, almost a little annoyed. "What is particularly bad about this week?"

Olivia almost wanted to laugh at that question. She wasn't sure the psychologist needed to ask. She knew most of what was going on. She supposed the woman just wanted her to verbalize it – like she always did. Olivia usually hated verbalizing it. It all just felt like so much of a game. How much she was willing to say and how long she'd need to be there before they'd finally just let her get back to just doing her job. Today, though, she just didn't feel like playing the game.

"Ah, well, let's see," she spat out a little sarcastically while she rubbed at her eyebrow. "I was shot. I really could've died. I still don't feel that well – and I have lots of hoops I'm going to have to jump through if I want to get back to work in a timely manner. The whole thing has scared my husband at least as much as me – if not a little bit more. Will's already lost one wife – and he isn't exactly excited about the possibility of losing another one. So, I really don't think he even wants me returning to my job very much. My son – who, by the way, is back in the hospital having fucking chemotherapy injected into his nervous system – wanted to have a conversation about not only what happens if I die, but if he dies. Two things that I really don't like thinking about. And, oh, our wedding reception is less than two weeks away – and we are nowhere near being ready for it because of all this other crap going on. So it's been kind of a shitty week."

Ashley was quiet for what felt like far too long as she jotted down a couple notes, which always made Olivia feel like she'd said too much. She hated seeing her comments – her thoughts, her personal problems – being charted on paper. She knew technically they were private – doctor/patient privilege. But she also didn't really trust it since it was a work-appointed psychologist. Part of her still felt like all the nitty-gritty details of what they discussed were somehow going to end up in front of people she didn't want to see that much of her personal, private life.

"What part of all that is bothering you the most, Olivia?" Ashley finally asked.

Olivia examined the floor for a long moment and considered that. As much as she wanted to shutdown after watching the shrink take her notes – she also just wanted to scream at that point. Her plate felt too over-flowing. The people she cared about most in the world were hurting because of her – and she was still hurting so much too. It was a smothering feeling. A drowning feeling.

"Noah," she said flatly after a long silence.

"What about Noah?" Ashley asked. "The new chemo?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. That he's worrying about this – about me dying. It makes me feel like I've brought more stress into his life – because I have. I feel like I've failed him."

"Do you really think you've failed him, though?"

"If I'm dead – I've failed him," she spat back.

"You aren't dead, Olivia," Ashley said.

The detective looked up and examined her. She let out a long exhale and examined the ceiling for a moment before meeting the psychologist's eyes.

"Yesterday," she said, "we had this meeting with a Make A Wish co-ordinator for Noah. These people are trained to deal with the kids wishing that they don't die or that they don't have cancer anymore or whatever. You know what they aren't trained to deal with? A child asking that their mother doesn't get shot again – and doesn't die. The woman sat there dumbfounded. She didn't say anything. Will and I had to talk around it. Do you have any idea what it feels like to hear your child put forward that as their wish?"

Ashley shook her head. "No, I don't, Olivia. What does it feel like?"

"Awful," she said simply. "Awful…" she said again a little more quietly and went back to looking at the floor and her clenched hands.

Ashley let her sit there like that for a while and then asked, "Did Noah make a wish?"

Olivia snorted. "Ah, no. After him not dying and me not dying were removed as doable options – he pretty much lost interest in the process and didn't participate. So, again, Will and I, got to talk to the co-ordinator about some of his interests and possible options. And, I don't fucking know. Will and I will have to talk about it. It's just another fucking thing to talk about and think about at this point. I didn't even want to do this wish thing. Will thought we should let him after he was nominated. But it's just another fucking thing …"

"Why didn't you want to participate?" Ashley asked.

Olivia shrugged. "There's other more deserving families – other families with sicker children or a lower income, that would benefit from it more than us."

"You don't feel that your family is deserving?"

Olivia sighed. "That's not what I meant. I just meant Noah isn't terminal and our joint income is … we manage."

"You must have a lot of expenses with your son being ill," Ashley commented. "That must be an added stress to everything else you're dealing with. Debt?"

Olivia just shrugged again. "We manage," she said.

They had debt. They had lots of debt – and Noah wasn't even near being well yet. It would take them a long time to pay down the medical bills even after their son was done with treatment. But she tried not to dwell on it. Will didn't let her dwell on it either. They made their payments on time. They sent in everything they could to their insurance. They were responsible with their money. They weren't frivolous. It wasn't like they were nearing bankruptcy. They were just … struggling more than she would've anticipated if anyone would've asked her a couple years ago. It had changed their financial priorities – and it likely would for a long time. They probably would have difficulty getting a mortgage, if they ever wanted to buy a house or condo. And even if they could get a mortgage, she wasn't sure they'd really be able to afford the payments and all the other expenses that came with being a homeowner now. Noah would likely go through the public school system now – private school wouldn't be an option even though that had previously been a route she'd been seriously considering for him. Unless he decided to go to NYU – assuming Will was still teaching there in a decade – they'd be taking out loans to pay for his education. They weren't likely going to have much of a fund put away for him. They may even still be paying down his medical bills. But she didn't much want to think about that either. Her son's health – his life – was worth it: every penny. The rest – her and Will would figure out as they went. They always did. They always seemed to. It would work itself out.

"I'm surprised you're here while your son is in the hospital," Ashley said. "I know you like to be with him."

Olivia exhaled and rubbed at her forehead. She didn't want to be there. She wanted to be with Noah. She'd be headed back there as soon as this session was over.

"I had other appointments – my own appointments this morning. Will didn't want me juggling around my medical appointments. Not now."

"And you listened to him?"

Olivia shot her a glare at that. "I listen to him. He's my husband."

Ashley nodded. "I know – and I don't know Will. But in your descriptions of your relationship – it's sounded like maybe you take a more dominant role in your family and maybe don't listen to or let your husband support you as much as he might like."

She rolled her eyes at that. "I really don't want to discuss my marriage – or my relationship with Will."

"Why not?" Ashley asked.

"Because what the hell does it have to do with my ability to perform my job? Or me getting back to my fucking job?"

"I think our personal lives play a rather significant role in our job performance. If something is going on at home that's distracting then that impacts our work. It's why we first met, isn't Olivia? Because Noah was sick and that was impacting your job?"

"No," Olivia corrected. "I ended up here – because the powers-that-be realized someone fucked up in signing off on my com-care contract and they were trying to backtrack on that and find a loop hole to get the hell out of their responsibilities and obligations to me as one of this city's employees."

"That sounds like another way of saying your son being ill was impacting your job," Ashley said and gazed at her.

Olivia exhaled loudly again and looked to the ceiling. She didn't want to argue about it. She hated being there. It wasn't voluntarily. Not before and not now. And, it wasn't Noah's fault she was there either.

"I'm here because I was told I needed to be if I wanted to continue to do my job," she said very slowly and purposely.

"Do you still want to do your job? After what you've been through?"

"Yes," Olivia said simply.

"But you said you don't think Will wants you to?"

She sighed. Now she was really wishing she hadn't had that outburst and provided so much material for discussion.

"Will just doesn't want me to get hurt," she said. "And, he doesn't want to get hurt – or for Noah to hurt more than he already does."

"And, you said you do listen to Will. So how much does that opinion count to you?" Ashley asked. "How are you addressing his fears and concerns?"

"I'm listening to them and we're dealing with them as we go," she said flatly.

"And how are you doing that Olivia?"

She throw her hands up slightly because of that comment, but then realized the visible reaction she was having and crossed them tightly against her front.

"We're talking," she spat out.

"About what?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. Life. Death. Noah. Being scared. Loving each other. Normal married couple things."

"Are those normal married couple things to talk about?" Ashley inquired, giving her a questioning face.

"I'd assume so," Olivia said and crossed her arms tighter. "They seem pretty normal to me."

"Has Will seen his therapist since the shooting?"

Olivia shrugged. "We don't discuss our therapy sessions."

"No?"

"No," Olivia said sternly. "That's our personal, private business. We respect each other's boundaries. If we wanted the other to sit in on our therapy, we'd be in couples counseling, wouldn't we?"

"Have you considered couples counseling?"

Olivia snorted. "Every time I see you you're recommending some other shrink I should be seeing. Do you people work on commission?" Ashley just looked at her wordlessly at that. "Will and I have a healthy relationship – we don't need counseling."

"Even after dealing with a life-threatening situation? It sounds like the shooting left you both with a lot to think about."

Olivia glared more at that. "If Will wants us to go to counseling – I'll go. I've already offered. He hasn't pursued it. We have other things to worry about right now."

"Things more important than your relationship?"

"Our son is pretty fucking important – above and beyond our relationship," she spat out at that.

Ashley nodded. "And your job?"

"I don't place my job ahead of my son or Will."

"No?" the psychologist asked.

Olivia met her eyes and stared at her hard. "No," she said sternly. "Those days are long over. My son and my husband are the most important things in my life. My job is secondary."

"But you want to return to your job?"

"Yes," she said again, frustrated that the question was being posed repeatedly.

"Why?"

Olivia bounced her arms against her chest at that in her rising agitation. "What the hell else am I supposed to do? It's my career. It's what I do. It's what I know."

"Even with your shooting you haven't considered leaving?"

"No," she said bluntly.

"Even when your husband has asked you to leave?"

"I never said that Will asked me to leave," Olivia correct. "Will would NEVER ask me leave SVU. He KNOWS what that job is to me, and the role it plays in my life. He is just scared about the what-ifs of the future – and that's something that we'll deal with together."

Ashley made another note at that.

"How's your recovery going, Olivia?"

"Slowly," she said flatly.

"You aren't the kind of person who likes when things go slowly, are you?"

"Not these kinds of things, no," she said.

Ashley nodded and jotted something else down. "What's the most frustrating part for you?"

"That they're going to make me a desk jockey for God knows how long. That I'm going to have to pass a fucking fitness test to get off the desk."

"And you don't think you'll pass the test?"

She shrugged. "I'm sure I will eventually."

"But not on the first try? And that bothers you?"

"I don't know how many times I'll have to do it. I don't know when my doctors will approve me even going for it for the first time. I haven't even started training for it yet. It's really not worth thinking about, right now."

"No?"

"No," she said firmly.

"So what is worth thinking about right now, Olivia?"

"Right now? Getting my son out of the hospital. Getting him through his rebound period. And, getting well enough that I'll at least be back in the office and off D.L."

"You know I'm one of those hoops you were talking about – that you're going to have to get through in your initial return to work?" Ashley asked.

Olivia snorted. "I'm very aware of that."

"Do you think four sessions is enough for you to have dealt with the shooting? This is our second of those specified four. Do you feel like we're making progress in that area?"

Olivia looked the psychologist and sighed. "I feel like that's a trick question. There's no good answer to it."

"There isn't a right or wrong answer to it," Ashley said.

Olivia let out a small laugh at that and looked at the ceiling. "Oh, I'm pretty sure there's a wrong answer to it."

Ashley examined her again and tapped her pen on her notepad for several moments.

"Has your captain or union rep spoken to you about your com-care review recently?"

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow and shook her head. "No. But I haven't exactly been in the office and when I've spoken with them by phone we've sort of had some other things to talk about lately."

Ashley offered her a small smile at that. "Well, I submitted my final report on your file a few days. So I'd expect you'll be hearing from them soon. Maybe not until the official final package regarding your case and hearing has been completed, I suppose."

Olivia examined the psychologist more at that. "What did you put in your report?" she asked.

"That I feel you're seeking mental, emotional – psychological – support related to your son's illnesses from multiple sources and have a firm support network in your husband, family, work community and the health care community. So, I don't feel there is any real benefit in taking time from your work week to continue our meetings at this time."

Olivia considered that statement and examined the ground. That was a relief. Another hurdle behind her – behind them. But she could tell there was still another shoe waiting to drop and she thought she knew what it was. So she made no comment back to the psychologist.

"But, Olivia," Ashley finally continued, likely realizing the detective wasn't going to offer anything on the previous statement, "I don't feel that four sessions are going to be enough to have dealt with your shooting. Really, that's the standardized minimum that is always put forward. I really don't feel it's realistic for anyone – especially an officer where the injury was so life-threatening."

"So how much longer?" Olivia asked without looking up.

"I don't want to place a timeframe on it," Ashley said. "I think we'll know – you'll know – when you've dealt with it and you don't need the support or the outlet anymore."

Olivia snorted and shook her head in near disgust. She felt like this was just added punishment for being shot – for doing her job. If desk duty and having to pass a fitness test designed for 21 year olds wasn't enough – now she would continue to be stuck in therapy indefinitely. It hurt that much more knowing that she would've been done with it if she hadn't been injured. It just made her angry.

"So work-mandated therapy continues," she said. "We're just going to slot it away under some other little title. Rehab? Start getting you paid out of another department's budget, right?"

"I really don't think that's the best way to look at it, Olivia," Ashley said flatly.

She shrugged and let out a sigh. "OK. Great. I'm really excited that we're going to get to spend even more time together. I'm looking forward to it."

"Olivia …"

"Am I still getting back on the desk after my four sessions?" she demanded, not wanting to hear anything more about the new stock taken out on the never-ending shrink sessions.

"I'll decide what my input is on that matter after our four sessions," Ashley told her flatly. "Your doctors and the NYPD doctors are going to have a say in that as well, Olivia. Do you think they're going to think you're ready?"

The detective glared at her hard. "My family," she stressed, "needs to get back to its routine – its normalcy. And that involves me getting back to work."

"Olivia – I don't think there has been much that's been routine or normal for your family for sometime."

Olivia shook her head hard at that. "You're wrong. We are a VERY normal family and we thrive on our routines. We NEED to get back to them. That's what we need – WHAT I NEED – to heal."

Ashley watched her for a moment. Olivia knew her frustration with her whole situation – the whole world, with life in general – was radiating off her at that point. But she could hardly restrain it at that point. Things just didn't seem to get any easier.

"OK, Olivia …," Ashley said. "Well, then, I need you to help me, help you get back to your routines. That means we need to have some more meaningful discussions about what happened at our next two sessions. You need to give me more to be able to judge how ready you are to return to work, to have a weapon in your hand again, to go back out into the field."

"I'm ready," Olivia said.

Ashley shook her head. "Right now you aren't, Olivia. But maybe you'll be in another few weeks. Maybe…"


	184. Chapter 184

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Will…" she called out and placed her shoulder against the door jam of the bathroom to look at him.

"Mu-Muh?" he mumbled out and glanced at her from having been watching himself in the mirror.

Will was such a vigorous teeth-brusher. He refused to adopt an electric toothbrush but with the way he went at his mouth with his manual toothbrush, he was likely doing a better job. Though, every time he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, he did it so loudly she could tell that's what he was up to from across the house. He must be doing something right, though. He'd managed to get through his childhood without a cavity - not getting one until he was 24. It was something he bragged about, which Olivia almost thought it was funny. He had lots of things he could brag about but didn't. But not having a filling for likely about the first quarter of his life was worth boasting about. He'd also managed to avoid braces – and he was sure to point out after near every dentist appointment that he was told he had 'prefect teeth.'

So she wasn't going to argue with him on his methods – or him passing on his dental hygiene habits to their son. But the teeth brushing ritual didn't come without its gross-out factor. Will didn't brush and spit. He just let it all foam in his mouth until he was really done. It usually meant that he had a trail of foaming toothpaste drool trickling out of his mouth for the duration of his teeth-brushing efforts. That night it looked like he had more than usual – likely because he hadn't been able to complete his ritual to his usual standards with them sleeping at the hospital for the past several nights and was now putting in added effort. But he looked close to a rabid dog with the froth trickling and foaming around his chin almost like a goatee.

"Attractive," she quipped and shook her head.

It was really moments like that that just reaffirmed to her sometimes how much she was in love with Will. In pretty much anyone else this little idiosyncrasy of his would be enough for her to start writing them off. She supposed maybe she previously was a little too picky about her deal-breakers. Obsessive teeth-brushing and lack of shame about toothpaste drool likely would've annoyed her. As would what she knew he was about to do next …

"Sorry," he mumbled as he pulled the toothbrush out of his mouth. And up came his hand, the back of it wiping across his mouth and chin. And, then there it fell back down to his side and wiped the excess of the spittle and watered-down spit-y paste onto the back of his tshirt.

That definitely would've been a deal-breaker. Not the actions of a man – or at least a put-together one - more the actions of a teenaged boy. He might as well have lifted the sleeve of his tshirt up to his mouth and used it was a napkin to wipe down his face. But she'd learned to accept it as just Will – and though she previously made comments about it when she spotted the behaviour, she usually bit her tongue about it anymore. If that was the worst Will could come up with in annoying her – they were likely doing OK.

"What's up?" he asked and shoved the brush back into his mouth for a few final swipes, before bending over and spitting into the sink. It was only then that he grabbed his washcloth, wet it down and dabbed at his mouth and chin. Another idiosyncrasy: Will didn't see any problem with mopping up the toothpaste off his face and then using the same washcloth in the morning to wash his actual face. Because why not smear all the remnants of the paste all over his skin? But like she often had to tell herself when he started talking about getting yet another tattoo – it was his body. His washcloth. His face. It clearly wasn't having any major impact on his life or health. And, really, for her it only meant that occasionally if she kissed his cheek soon after he'd washed his face, his skin might taste a little minty. That actually wasn't too bad. It tasted better then some traces of after-shave, cologne or shaving cream that had ended up on her tongue and taste buds over the years.

"You know last week when I said if you thought we'd benefit from couples counseling because of all of this, that I wasn't just saying that in the moment, right?"

He glanced at her as he finished dabbing down his face. "Yeah," he nodded and straightened up. "Why?"

"Because – if you want to go, I'd go," she said.

He gave her a bit of a face – but then nodded. "OK," he said and went to move passed her, stopping to bend and place a light kiss on her jaw line as he did.

She met his eyes as he backed off and gave him a small smile, tilting her chin up to try to get another one on her lips. He got the message and smiled a bit wider and placed his mouth against hers for a brief but rather sensual kiss. His eyes danced at her as he straightened up from his slight hunch to meet her mouth – but he still dropped his one hand from where it had come to rest against the base of the small of her back – where his touch had felt so nice and warm to her.

"That was nice," he smiled and started to move back into the bedroom again. "Thanks babe."

She gave her head a small shake and followed after to him into the bedroom, where he'd pulled his tshirt over his head and was launching it into the hamper in his open closet.

The lack of concrete effort he'd been putting into his exercising over the past year was starting to become more apparent on his body. It wasn't that he'd put on a ton of weight. It was just that Will had previously had so little body fat on his frame that even the slight gain was apparent on him. More apparent – at least to her – was that the flatness and tightness across his stomach and abs was really gone. She didn't judge him on it. She didn't even really care – at least not physically. She knew where he was coming from and appreciated what he was trying to do. He'd shifted his focus to caring for Noah and to providing for the family – that meant putting in some extra hours at work: trying to get more funding dollars, picking up an extra class if it meant extra money, trying to get more papers published if there was a stipend. What she did care about, though, was knowing that he'd become lax about – if not entirely given up – something that was so a part of him, something that he enjoyed.

It wasn't that Will didn't go out for his runs anymore or that he didn't go out to the pool. He did. He still jogged – though not daily anymore. His swimming had become more like a weekly affair and it was usually with Noah in tow – so not a lap swim by any means. He still got together with his brothers and people at work for pick-up games and scrimmages of various sports. But he just didn't have that focus anymore. He wasn't training. He wasn't working towards a triathlon. He was exercising just enough to sort of keep in shape and sort of take care of himself. Considering how much flak he gave her about taking care of herself and keeping up with her exercise routines and eating properly – and finding me-time, he just wasn't following his own advice very well. And, he really hadn't been for months and months.

"So do you want to go?" she asked, as he started to unbutton his pants in his continued changing.

He glanced at her again, as he pushed the pants along with his briefs down to the around his ankles and then shucked them off each foot, pulling his socks off while he was at it.

"I don't know. Do you want to go?" he asked her, turning towards her slightly in his complete nudity before pulling a drawer open on his side of the dresser and taking out a pair of his sleep pants, shaking them out a bit before moving to pull them on and up his legs.

She shrugged. "If you want to go."

He hopped a bit as he got the pants to his waist and tugged at the drawstring while looking at her.

"What's this all about?" he asked.

She sighed and rubbed at her eyebrow. "It's just … if you don't feel like we're … dealing with how we're feeling about all of this … about what happened … that us talking about it isn't enough or if you feel like we aren't really talking about it the way you need or we need … or whatever. I just … don't want this to become a thing for us," she said.

He eyed her for a moment but then held out his one hand and gestured to her.

"Come here," he said.

She looked down like she had to think about it for a moment but then closed the gap between them and entered his waiting embrace, tucking her head slightly under his chin as his arms wrapped around her.

She'd really come to value Will's touches and hugs over the years. But since the shooting it was different. She wanted those embraces – needed them – in a different way. They felt different too – like she could feel him more during them. She wanted to let go of them less – she lingered in them longer now. It used to be her who would often be the first to loosen the grip and start to move away and on beyond them. Now it was Will who was usually stirring first, though more because one of his arms or hands or legs had fallen asleep from the position they were holding each other in.

He rubbed his cheek against the top of her and traced his thumb up and down the small of her back in little strokes.

"I think, right now, we're talking about it," he said quietly after several minutes of just holding her. "But, if we stop talking – or if you want to now – then maybe getting some joint therapy isn't a bad idea."

She sighed at that. "Will …" she said after a short silence. "You know that I listen to you – and your opinions, right?"

She heard him snort and smile into her hair at that before moving and pressing a kiss against her temple.

"This is yesterday's shrink session talking isn't it?" he asked.

She gave a reluctant nod against his chest.

She felt a small repressed laugh shake in him but he just adjusted his arms, gripping her a little more tightly. Though, she could also feel how careful he was being to avoid her fractured ribs with how his arm was wrapped around her and in the pressure he was applying.

"I think you hear me when I talk and I think you hear my opinions. But I don't know you listen to me all the time – or that you much like some of my opinions," he told her.

She sighed a little again at that and placed her one ear closer to his heart on his bare chest, listening to it for a moment.

"That's normal, though, right?" she asked. "In any couple? Any marriage?"

He rubbed her back a bit. "Yeah, Liv. I think so."

"Because I value you," she said and glanced up at him. "I value your role in this family. You're extremely important to this family – to it working. To me. I love you."

He nodded. "I know."

"We're OK, right?" she asked.

She really felt like she needed his reassurance right now. So much was happening. The shooting. The fall-out from the shooting. Noah. The wedding reception. Her job. His job. There were too many emotions. Too much stress. It felt like they were running on a high voltage. The more further out she got from being in the hospital – but the longer she was stuck at home dealing with it and recovering – the more overwhelming it just all felt. It just felt so disorganized and so starkly real. All of it just felt out of control in a way that was so different than what she was used to.

The imposed order and routine of their daily lives – such as it was – was gone. She was so struggling with that. It was what gave her some sense of normalcy – of stability – in everything else that was happening around her at home, at work, in her family. Now she felt like she was grasping for straws and still struggling to find that object to hold onto to provide the grounding to get through the moment. The closest she'd come to was Will. He was nearly becoming her totem. But he couldn't always be there – and she worried that sometimes when he was he was struggling to find his own grounding object too.

He nodded again. "Yeah. We're OK," he said and pulled away from her slightly to look at her and jutted his head towards the bed a bit. "Com'on," he encouraged. "Come to bed. It's been a long few days. You're overtired. Spinning too much."

She sighed and put her forehead back against his chest. "Will …" she muttered.

But he just rubbed at her hunched shoulders. "It's alright, Liv," he assured. "We're alright. You're alright."


	185. Chapter 185

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She pulled open the door and gestured for Casey to come in.

"Hey," she said and moved back into their little foyer to gather her coat and purse. "You know they really didn't need to send you to collect me? I know where Mahoney's is."

Casey shrugged. "Oh well. I live here anyways. I think the boys were concerned you might bail on your own party."

"Is it going to be that bad?" Olivia asked, giving herself a small, final glance in the front hall and adjusting her hair a bit.

She actually wasn't that surprised that Elliot thought she might bail. It'd been a crappy week – and she still wasn't feeling that great. In all honesty, a night at home in a warm bath sounded a lot more appealing than spending an evening in a loud bar having the guys likely being a little more goofy and sentimental than she wanted or needed. But she'd probably given a few too many hints that she was second-guessing her attendance in her talks and texts with her partner. So now she had an escort to ensure she actually got there.

"You did let Elliot and Fin organize your bachelorette," was all that Casey said to that inquiry.

Olivia glanced at her from the mirror. "It was supposed to be just my maid of honour organizing it. I don't know how Fin got involved."

"Oh, I think you should be grateful Fin got involved," Casey said. "Elliot's initial plans for the evening were pretty lame."

"I asked for lame," Liv commented flatly.

She did want lame. Lame sounded about what she could handle these days. And, even if she wasn't stuck at home recovery from a gunshot injury, she just didn't want to be in a situation where people might be fawning over her. She hated that. It was actually one of her bigger fears about the wedding reception day too. She didn't want people making a bit deal out of it. So what – she got married? That was a normal adult thing to do.

She supposed it could be worse, though. It might be that they'd come up with some way to embarrass her. Actually, she knew they would've done their best to figure out some way to try to get her to blush. Being embarrassed in public wasn't high on her list of favourite things either.

"Not as lame as he had planned," Casey said. "No one wants that lame on their last night of freedom."

"My last night of freedom was almost seven years ago," Liv told her.

Casey gave her a small smile at that. "Where is the kid? I haven't seen him in ages."

She shook her head. "You aren't going to see him tonight. Sorry. We've got him out at Will's parents'. He's having his night of trouble-making too."

Will wandered into the foyer at that. "And it's going to be epic chaos. Contending with the Hangover."

"Did you actually see that movie?" Tom called from off in their living room. "Because I think you saw a different one than me – if you think your choice of bachelor party venue even compares."

"Then don't come!" Will hollered back.

Olivia shook her head at him. The sad part was that Will likely would've preferred his brothers not come – but he couldn't very well not invite them.

It'd be interesting to hear about how the evening went and how Will's two older brothers dealt with some of her husband's board game and comic geek friends, math faculty colleagues and graduate students. She thought it might be a bit of an eye-opening experience for all of them. She didn't think they'd ever had much exposure to the kind of people that Will spent time with in 'real life' – or the kind of person Will was when he wasn't out at his parents' place. She just hoped they were all still speaking to each other by the end of the evening. And, that they didn't tease their little brother too much in the course of the night either. They all still had to make it through the next week or so and the reception, after-all.

"They have a room rented out at a board game café," Olivia informed Casey with a raised eyebrow.

Casey laughed. "OK. Yours isn't going to be that lame. But it does explain the shirt, Mr. Benson."

Will held out his Game Over tshirt to look down and examine it with some admiration again. Someone at the university had given it to him specifically for the evening.

"You like it?" he asked. "She hates it."

"It's ridiculous," Olivia commented before Casey had the chance to respond either way. "We're already married. Your game is already over. And it's not exactly like you were a player before."

"Maybe that's just what I've lead you to believe," he teased.

She rolled her eyes at him. Will couldn't be a player even if he tried. He scared away the ladies with his talk of board games, science fiction and math. She still wasn't entirely sure how she got caught up in his charms. Best she could figure was she'd somehow fallen for his puppy-dog looks and the spell he'd cast on her son.

She stepped towards him and leaned into him with her hand pressed against his chest – meeting his lips for a brief kiss.

"Have fun," she told him, meeting his eyes as they broke away from each other. "And keep your calm," she added a bit more quietly.

He nodded. "I'll be fine. You have a good time too. I'll see you later tonight?"

She returned the small nod. "Yeah. Don't drink too much Will," she urged him. "You'll pay for it."

He rolled his eyes. "Liv …"

"You know you, Will. Don't be stupid. You know how much you can handle."

He made a sound and shook his head at her. "What are you putting some sort of cap on it for me?"

"Nope. You're a big boy," she said.

But she knew if he had more than three or four he'd be completely destroyed for the rest of the weekend. Really, Will drank so infrequently one or two would be way more than enough. At his bachelor party, though, in a rented room with an open bar – she knew that his brothers and his colleagues would be working at liquoring him up. She could only hope they'd all acknowledge they were grown men – not 20-something kids on a bender.

"Rob – don't let him get in too much trouble," she called back down the hallway at his brothers.

"No worries, Olivia," Rob called back. "Only going to let him get that one lap dance."

She heard him and Tom share a hardy guffaw at that.

She rolled her eyes again. She didn't know who would be more pissed – her or Will – if someone decided to get strippers for his thing. But she wouldn't put it past Tom – no matter how many times Will had indicated that that wasn't something he was remotely interested in. She hoped Rob had enough sense to keep Tom in line on that plan – but his little teasing comments weren't increasing her optimism about that. Though, she sort of hoped he was just trying to get her and Will's goat.

Will kept a hold of her hand by curled fingertips, stretching both of their arms to full length, until they fell in their release. She gave him a small smile as she moved back towards the door.

"So later tonight? Mahoney's," she reminded.

He nodded. "Yeah. I know. I'll be there."

"Try to ditch the firefighters," she whispered almost teasingly, though they both knew there was some seriousness to the statement. "Cops and fire – don't mix."

He snorted. "No kidding." He gave Casey a nod. "Cops, lawyers and firefighters in one bar …"

"Sounds like some fist fights," she agreed. "Good thing we'll have all the necessary players there to keep it under control."

Will smiled. "Just make sure this one isn't at the centre of it."

Casey shook her head. "Agreed. She's already got enough cuts and bruises for her wedding day. Doesn't need anymore."

"That's why I like you counselor," Will said. "Always with the rational statements."

Olivia shook her head at him again. "OK. We're leaving."

Will nodded with a small smile. "Later, babe."

"Kissing in front of others, hand holding and babe calling … you are in love," Casey commented as they stepped out the door and started down the steps.

Olivia shot her a look and rolled her eyes. She hoped Will didn't catch that little comment before the door had shut. He'd like it too much.


	186. Chapter 186

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Here she is," Elliot declared as they walked into the bar – which it immediately became apparent that if they hadn't booked out the whole place, they'd at least ensured that it was almost entirely cops from their precinct inside – people who knew her.

There was a round of applause that came up and someone behind the bar hit the switch on the stereo to have 'Here Comes the Bride' blast over the stereo. If that wasn't enough, a banner declaring 'She's Getting Hitched' was hung above the bar.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I asked for simple!" she called at Elliot above the clapping and 'Jolly Good Fellow' singing that was going on.

"You love it," he said and stepped forward holding up some pink slash. He looped it over her head.

"What is this?" she demanded and looked down at it and then shook her head even more at the 'Bride-To-Be' banner that had been draped across her chest. "This is ridiculous," she informed him.

"It gets better," he said and turned around to take something from Alex and then showed the plastic bejeweled tiara to her.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," she said as he reached out and settled it into her head.

"So pretty," Elliot told her after he managed to jam the false-headband into her hair.

She rolled eyes. "You better be handing me a drink next," she said.

"Better!" Fin declared and stepped forward with another pink slash.

She looked at it and laughed. 'Maid of Honour' was plastered across it. She held it out at Elliot. "Come here," she said, wagging a finger at him.

He gaped at Fin for a moment. "I was not told about this part of the plan," he protested.

"Come on, El," she tried again and moved towards him and draped it over his head, adjusting it across his front. "Your turn to look pretty," she said and smiled at him as she got it in place – and then reached for the tiara. "And, I actually think you'd look much better in this than me." She adjusted it on his short shaved hair for him and laughed. "Beautiful," she assured him.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure," Elliot said a little disgruntled.

Fin smirked at it and pulled out his phone. "Oh, I've got to get a picture of this shit," he said.

Olivia put her arm around El. "Wait until you see him in his brides' maid dress," she said and smiled for the camera until it made its snapping sound.

"Yeah. I'm so pretty, oh so pretty," Elliot mimicked in sing-song and again did his hair fluffing movement – that Olivia thought she'd be glad to see the end of after they got past the wedding reception.

"Come look at your cake," Munch near demanded, handing her a pint.

She snorted at his insistence but managed to make her way through the mound of people who parted almost like the Red Sea for her to make her way up to the bar.

"The talent in Munch's never-ending list of relatives never ceases to amaze us all," Casey quipped as she followed behind her.

Olivia shot her a smile at that, as John directed them up to the cake and pointed down at the masterpiece.

"Special order," he declared. "My cousin made it for you."

She looked at it and made a bit of a face. "Wow, guys. This is nicer than you're going to get at the reception."

"No kidding," Fin muttered, "since it's bring your own booze. You've got our expectations low."

She shot him a look. "I know how you guys drink. I'm not paying for it."

He shook his head. "Some party host, you are. Good thing you weren't planning your bachelorette. Or him," he nodded at Elliot. "Or we'd be sitting in a dark corner drinking beer like it was any old week night."

"Lame," Casey declared.

Olivia shook her head again and examined the cake. The NYPD patrol car clearly had a semblance of her driving the car down a busy city street, while a man in handcuffs was being dragged along behind.

"Is that Will?" she asked.

"Yeah," John said.

"Am I trying to kill him?"

"Just dragging him to the slow ultimate death that is marriage," Munch said flatly.

"Oh, that's uplifting, John. Thank you," she said and took a drink. "I liked the cake until you gave your interpretation of it."

"Don't listen to this joker," Fin said. "It's you hitchin' the guy," he said and gestured at the cake.

"Ah…" she said and considered it some more – looking at some of the other faces around her. Everyone seemed so smiling and happy – for her or to be there. She didn't know. It was a little strange. It felt way more celebratory than she'd seen or felt among her colleagues in a long time.

"I think I'll take a picture to send to Will for his reflection," she said.

"OK, OK, OK," Fin called out, holding up his hands to get the crowd to quiet down as she snapped a shot. She glanced at him and he held up his own drink. "To Olivia Benson," he declared – yelling firmly through the bar. "The most bad-ass mother – literally – in the 1-6."

She snorted.

Elliot held up his beer. "And the best partner anyone could ask for," he added loudly.

She looked at him and shook her head. "Awww…" she mocked teasingly.

"Yeah, I don't know about that one," John muttered. She looked at him and laughed out loud.

"And one of NYPD's true finest," Cragen added, pushing through the crowd a bit and holding up his own glass of club soda. "Congratulations Liv," he said.

She smiled – one of the more real smiles she'd felt spread over her since she'd been shot. But then she blushed a bit and looked down, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Thanks guys," she said quietly and then glanced at Elliot and said even more softly. "For getting me here …" She didn't mean the bar -she meant there - in her life: a son, a husband, a home, a family … married.

Elliot gave her a smile. "To Liv!" he declared.

The people in the bar held up their drinks. "TO LIV! CONGRATULATIONS LIV!" there were shouts and cheers and clinks – and then the sound of nearly a whole precinct, the medical examiner's office and a crowd of attorneys chugging at their booze.


	187. Chapter 187

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Elliot held up his little sheet of paper. "Astronaut," he said.

Olivia looked at him and laughed. "You're kidding? You look at Will and think astronaut?"

El shrugged. "Who doesn't want to be an astronaut when they're eight?" he asked.

She shrugged back at him. "Will," she said and held up her sheet. "Magician."

Fin seemed to think that was hilarious – but he'd also had enough to drink to probably make him a little too relaxed. "What is wrong with your dude?" he asked, slapping at the table.

As the night had worn on, the group of them had moved back into one of the more private little alcoves of the bar and continued their drinking and chatting - and ingesting of some pretty horrible pub grub and some pretty decent cake.

They'd taken to playing a game that seemed to be of Fin's creating as well – entitled Lovin' vs. Bitchin'. Apparently the object of the game was to see who knew more about Will: Olivia from having been with the guy for years or Elliot from having listened to her rant (or as Fin had said "bitch") about the guy for years.

The group had picked sides on who'd they thought would fare better at the trivia game – that apparently they'd had Will provide answers for ahead of time. Olivia had actually been a little surprised at how many people seemed to think El would do better at the game than her. But she thought it likely had more to do the prize being to get to pie the loser.

According to John it was an appropriate reward due to the math reference of 3.14, though he was disappointed when she wasn't able to provide an exact date of Will's proposal beyond … "Sometime in March."

"March 14th?" John had inquired excitedly.

"I have no idea," she'd told him.

"You're such a guy," Fin had added.

If she'd taken the time to look at a calendar she likely could've figured it out – but she really didn't care that much, especially since it had taken her a month more to actually say yes – not that they needed to know that.

There seemed to be a lot of her colleagues that really wanted to help Elliot get the opportunity to rub a baked good in her face, which she wasn't that impressed about. But odds weren't looking good for Elliot winning anyway.

Alex flipped the answer card and looked at it. "Liv's right again," she informed the group.

"Next," Olivia said a little smugly and took another drink.

"What did Olivia and Will do on their first date?" Alex read.

"I know this one," Elliot said.

Olivia shook her head around her drink. "Mmm," she said. "Did date get defined for him?"

Elliot looked at her. "What do you mean did date get defined for him? It's a date. He knows what a date is."

She shook her head. "Nope. If you didn't define it for him – he'll have just gone with the first thing we did together that involved leaving the apartment building."

"What did you just get it on for the first several 'dates'?" Fin asked.

Cragen held up his hand at that. "None of our business, folks," he interjected on her behalf.

She almost had to laugh. But she also wasn't going to let the group in on the very slow process and development of the romantic and physical aspect of her and Will's relationship. That could be their shared little secret – and frustrations and angst that they were now able to laugh about together and curse at each other together about what the fuck were they doing and thinking dancing around it so long. But it definitely didn't need to be anyone else's business. It was slightly embarrassing when she thought about it. She supposed, though, both her and Will had a lot of history and hurt that they were both coming to terms with at the time and it had taken them quite a while to get over that and comfortable with it even though the tension and the feelings had obviously been there for the both of them.

She moved to start writing on her paper. Elliot looked at her. "Just leaving the apartment building does not constitute a date," he protested.

She glanced at him. "In Will's world it does," she said and flipped over her answer, waiting for Elliot to finish.

"Was Noah with you?" he asked.

"Yep," she said and smiled, taking another drink.

"That is not a date," Elliot said.

She shrugged. "We'll see who is right."

"Stabler – you've got to get this one," Fin said. "You're getting us too far behind."

"From what she's saying they might as well have gone to the grocery store," he said.

"Oh, that's our usual Friday date night," she said.

Fin slapped the table at that. "What is wrong with you people?" he asked again. "No romance!"

"They're pretty boring," Casey said. "I see them at the coffee shop eating and drinking the same thing nearly every Saturday."

"Mmm," Olivia said. "Funny. You'd have to be there every Saturday morning to see us there all the time too, wouldn't you?"

"I didn't say I wasn't boring," she admitted.

"OK, Stabler, what's your answer?" Alex asked.

He held up his paper. "He took her to the theatre. That was their first normal person date. I know that for a fact. There was lots of complaining ahead of that outing."

Olivia shook her head at him – but held up hers. "A walk. Maybe he put Riverside Park."

Alex flipped the card again. "Yep. A walk. Wrong again Stabler."

"You spend so much time with her and you know nothing!" John accused.

"Like Fin could answer any of these questions about any of your marriages," Elliot mumbled and flipped his notebook to the next blank page.

"He's been married too many times for me to even keep track of," Fin interjected, "but I still have to listen to his whining about all of them."

"It's not whining," John clarified. "It's reminiscing."

"Sure sounds like whining to me," Fin said.

"OK. Next question," Alex said. "What piece of Liv's clothing does Will hate the most?"

Olivia put her pen down at that one. "Will's too smart to answer that one."

Alex looked at the back of the card. "Apparently not."

"See this is why marriages end," John said. "Women just take things way to personally."

Elliot started scribbling something on his notepad and Olivia glanced at him.

"Oh, you think you know this answer, do you?" she asked.

"I have no idea what Will hates on you. So I am writing down my least favourite," he mumbled.

She laughed and looked at him, crossing her arms. "Oh, this should be good. What piece of clothing do I own that you hate, El?"

He glanced at her. "That blue shirt with the thing," he said and gestured across his mid-chest.

She snorted at him and gave him a dirty look. She knew exactly what shirt he was talking about. "I like that shirt," she said.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "You got that shirt while you were pregnant, Olivia," he said, "and you still wear it."

She gaped at him.

"Uh-oh," Fin said. "Trouble with the office spouses."

"It is NOT a maternity shirt," Olivia said, glaring at him. "It's just a shirt I bought while I was pregnant. In my EARLY PREGNANCY. I wasn't even showing then."

"So either way you've owned it for … what? … Almost seven years?"

She snorted at him and took a drink, shaking her head. "Like I'm going to take fashion advice from you."

"It's an awful shirt," Elliot stated flatly.

"Ah, yeah, apparently … according to you," she said and looked away.

Cragen, who had mostly been keeping quiet during the game – not taking sides and not providing any sort of input or comment or input, suddenly piped up even more than a few minutes ago. "OK – children – let's not fight," he said. "Maybe it's time to play another game."

Olivia slapped the table at that. "Good plan. First I get to claim my prize. Where's the pie?"

John took that as his cue to head out of the room and off to the kitchen to retrieve the bake good.

"No, no, no," Elliot said watching the other detective's departure and his pending punishment for losing for the group. "I think first we should hear Will's answer to this question."

Alex shook her head. "I don't think she really wants to know Will's answer. They're getting married in the week. Let's not rock the boat before the wedding."

"Oh, now I want to know Will's answer," Olivia said.

Alex didn't have a chance to read the response, though. Tom came into the alcove, pulling his tshirt above his head and spinning it around, while sucking in his gut.

"Someone order some firefighter strippers?" he asked.

His presence and little dance was apparently enough to send a rather tipsy Casey into a fit of hysterics. But Olivia looked at him slightly horrified.

"Jesus Christ, Tom," she cursed, shielding her eyes. "Put yours shirt back on. No one wants to see that."

He stood in front of her and did some sort of belly ripple that was vastly horrifying.

"You're disgusting," she told him and looked beyond him, searching for Will, who was almost staggering in with the help of his other brother.

"And there's Mr. Wonderful," Munch commented at Will's stumble up the couple steps into their little area.

He looked up from having examined his feet's attempt up the steps and smiled.

"Hey," he greeted.

Rob got him to the table and pulled a free chair next to her for him – almost dropping his brother in.

"There – we got him to you safely," he informed her.

"But drunk," she said.

Will shook his head and slumped back into the chair. "Nah, I'm not that drunk." He glanced around the table. "Hey … I'm Will," he said.

"Will – they all know you," she informed him, slightly unimpressed.

He looked at her for a moment and then back at the faces gazing at him – seemingly with very little recognition.

"Oh. Sorry," he muttered. "Hey. Having fun?" he tried again.

Fin shook his head. "New information – the man can't hold his liquor."

Will sat up straighter and shook his head. "Nah. I'm fine. See. Good. I didn't have that much."

"I specifically asked you not to have that much," Olivia told him.

"Babe – I didn't have that much," he said. "I'm fine."

John returned from wherever he'd disappeared to and put a pie in front of Olivia.

"Hey – pie," Will muttered. "This looks good. Where are the forks and plates?"

"I think I've got a better idea for it," Elliot said and looked at Olivia.

She shook her head. "Oh, yeah. I've got a better idea for it too."

Will looked at her questioningly.

"We were just talking about you," she told him.

"Oh yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah. We were playing the trivia game that you answered questions for. We were on what piece of clothing I own that you hate the most. Alex hasn't told us the answer yet."

Will nodded. "Oh yeah. Those grey-pinkish yoga pants that you're always wearing around the house on weekends - hate those."

She smiled at him. "Yeah?"

He nodded. "Yeah, babe. Think you should get rid of those."

"Mmm," she said and picked up the pie. "Know what I think, Will?"

He shrugged and looked at her. "What?"

She pushed the pie into his face and then pulled it back as the crust and filling started to drip down off his chin, much to the amusement of the rest of the group.

"Time to start sobering up," she said.

"Mmm," Will nodded, licking at his lips, though she could see some of the shook in his eyes. "Yeah. Good idea. This tastes pretty good, though."

She shook her head at him. "Great. I'm glad."

"No really," he said and leaned over grabbing her. "You should take a taste." He started rubbing his cheeks against hers, while she tried to push him away – no one helping and just laughing.

He caught her lips and she slowly stilled and let him kiss her. There was barely the taste of alcohol on him – just a small linger of probably a beer or two at the beginning of the evening, not the scent rippling off him either.

"I'm not drunk," he said and pulled away. "We were teasing you. Tastes good, though, right?"

She hit him in the chest and worked at whipping some of the smeared blueberries off her face and blouse.

"You're a bastard," she said and flicked some off her fingers and back at him. He just laughed and looked around the table.

"We're so excited you're all going to be at our wedding reception next weekend," he said. "I'm sure you can feel the love already."


	188. Chapter 188

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

**WARNING!**

**THIS CHAPTER IS AN M. **

**SKIP IF THAT'S NOT YOUR THING. NOT REAL PERTINENT INFORMATION OR PLOT DEVELOPMENT THAT YOU'LL BE MISSING IF YOU DON'T READ THIS ONE.**

They were both getting a little sloppy – and it wasn't just because it was pretty clear they'd reached the point that the kissing and the skin-to-skin contain of their chests really wasn't cutting it. She knew that it wouldn't be that much longer before she was reaching for the buttons on his fly – and if he didn't make a move to get her bra off soon and stop caressing her over top of it, she'd be doing that for him too. But the real source of their sloppiness was like that they'd both had had more than their usual share to drink over the course of the evening.

They'd both been conscious about it. Him – because she'd ordered him to – and because if Will had too much, he was destroyed for days. And, her, because she was still on some medication that she really shouldn't have been mixing with copious amounts of alcohol. That hadn't seemed to stop either of them, though, from really enjoying their respective evenings – and then joint gathering for the final couple hours at the end.

They'd clearly drank enough that she didn't have a full concept of how they'd got home. She remembered being in the cab. She didn't remember either of them calling the cab. Someone must've for them. She wasn't even sure what time it was. Did they shut down the bar?

She did know, though, that it was the first time her and Will had ever had a full night without Noah – and the apartment to themselves. No worries about a little boy walking in on them or needing them – or waking them up an ungodly hour in the morning. No chance of them having to get up to change wet sheets or deal with puking. No nightmares or cries for Mommy or Daddy. Complete privacy. Something they'd never really had before. Though, with the amount of alcohol they had in their systems, she wasn't entirely sure how much they would've cared that evening even if Noah was there – which likely would've meant they really cared later when they were caught in a compromising position.

But for the moment – it felt good. Both of their inhibitions were running lower than usual. They'd managed to find their way from the front door to the couch in the living room. She wasn't sure how long they'd been making-out there. But with the way her body was humming and her lips were tingling, she was pretty sure it had been a while. But – fuck – it felt good. And, even in his slightly drunken sloppiness, Will was still playing her body in near the exact way she liked it – if he'd just fucking start undressing her more. Having taken her blouse off really wasn't enough at this point.

There were moments in their relationship with how Will got her body ready – how he turned her on and brought her to climax with near practiced precision – sometimes she'd after find herself sort of wondering if he really could've only been with three other women. He really seemed to know too well what he was doing and just how to do it. She didn't want to think about it too much. But sometimes she found it a little hard not to.

Sometimes it made her feel a little bad about the number of men she'd been with. It wasn't like she'd slept with every man she'd ever dated – but she certainly hadn't been as picky about it as Will. And, she'd had her handful of one-night stands. Sometimes you just needed to get laid – and really sex was part of dating, not just relationships. Though, she supposed she'd done a lot more dating than Will too.

She thought Will might be a little put-off if he actually knew how many men she'd been with – especially compared to his stated amount. But that was likely why he'd made clear he really didn't want to know. She didn't much want to tell him too. Now that she was with him – she didn't even much want to think about any of the men who came before him.

She did think about it, though. And sometimes she wondered if even though she'd been with far more people than Will – he might've ended up having more sex than her. Will had been in two long-term relationships before her. Even the third woman he'd been with hadn't just been a one-night stand; though, it sounded like it had been little more than a fling. Still, in long-term relationships there was a good possibility that he'd been getting pretty regular sex – despite his rather extended period of abstinence following his wife's death.

Her sex life had never been that regular. Her definition of a long-term relationship before Will was a period of months – not years. She got sex in spits-and-spurts between failed relationships and lack of interest after seeing all the crap she did on her job. Then, of course, there was her own imposed drought between the arrival of Noah and her getting her head on straight following her assault.

She tried not to think about it all too much – but sometimes she did. Sometimes she couldn't help – especially when Will was so readily becoming the best sex she'd ever had. It boggled her mind a bit that he could manage that after his alleged 'inexperience' – his words, not hers.

Maybe she was just forgetting what it was like to be with anyone else? Or maybe it was more that Will was the longest she'd ever stuck it out with a man. He'd taken the time to get to know her body in a way that no one else ever had before. As she let down some of her barriers and became more comfortable with his touches and explorations – he'd discovered some pleasure zones that she hadn't even known she'd had. Like that little place on her hip bone, which his tongue and lips had just found again now – and was placing little circular tickles and sucks.

She let out a ragged breath – and ran her hand through the hair on the back of his head.

"Take off my pants, Will," she mumbled at him.

He slowly complied, eventually lifting his mouth up and away from her to take on the chore. She needed him too. The pants were feeling far too constrained. It was starting to drive her a little crazy. She needed to feel more of his skin against her body.

She lifted his hips for him, as he sat up and pulled the pants down her legs and tossed them too the ground - though he left her panties on for the moment. He quickly returned his mouth to her stomach and started kissing his way back up to her mouth, stopping to just stuck and lick at the hallow of her neck where it met her collar bone.

She sighed again at how his mouth and tongue were teasing her. And, she ran her ran down his chest until she found the buttons on his fly and reached down with both hands to pop it open, just as his mouth returned to hers. His tongue pushed her lips back open and then tangled with hers. She reached her hand into his pants and gently cupped him and then ran her palm up his length. He made a little sound into her mouth, his breathing catching a bit.

He always made that sound when she first touched him. Tonight, it just made her smile into the kiss even more. There was something about how he responded to her touches, her kisses, their shared movements – that made her feel so powerful. Getting to see and feel what she did to him – how much he seemed to enjoy it. It was different with Will than it had been with any other man. He rarely seemed like he was just charging towards an orgasm – or that getting her to one was some sort of chore that he felt obligated to complete before reaching for his own. She'd become just as fascinated with learning what he wanted and needed - and what she could do to him to get him to release those little sounds and ragged breaths, as he had with her.

He moved his mouth over to her neck and had begun kissing and placing little sucks just below her ear. She let out the smallest moan at this playful but sensual teases - and gently ran her nails up his back. Her movement caused him to settle more of his weight against her.

He seemed far less concerned about her side and ribs that night than usual. She was kind of happy about that. She didn't want to think about that tonight. She just wanted them to be able to enjoy each other without thinking about the shooting or Noah being sick – or him walking in on them – or their debt or work or the wedding receiption - or anything. She just wanted to be with him.

His movement, though, pressed his arousal even more firmly against her already aching core. She let out another small groan as her hips almost involuntarily pressed up against him, only cause him to press more firmly against her too.

"Mmm, I want you," she whispered breathily into the ear he had closest to her mouth.

"Me too," he mumbled against her neck but then placed another small suck and lick there. "You taste so good tonight," he told her.

Pressed her pelvis up and into him again. "Now, Will," she tried to say a bit more firmly – urging him along. She wasn't sure how much longer she could wait. She felt like her whole being was humming at that point and aching for him.

"Mmm," he allowed and pulled her earlobe into his mouth briefly before moving his mouth to her lips and giving her another brief kiss, before pushing up onto his knees and then hooking his fingers into the waistband of her panties and pulling them down her legs and off.

"Couch sex?" she asked and raised an eyebrow at him from where she was laying.

He glanced at her from where his eyes at settled between her legs in a bit too fascinated and aroused examination. "Sure. Why not?" he asked. "We've never done couch sex before."

She snorted and gestured for him to come back for another kiss and he did, settling against her again. The material of his jeans and his arousal rubbing and pressing against her suddenly felt so much better than before. She pressed up against him a bit harder, as he brought his mouth back to hers. She threaded her hand through his hair with one hand and pushed her other hand into the back of his pants, slowly starting to push them down.

He was right – they hadn't had couch sex before. They hadn't had anything but bed sex and shower sex. She wasn't sure that was a bad thing at that point in her life. But at the same time – she wasn't much sure she wanted to break their contact, even if it was just for a couple minutes to make the run to the bedroom.

She stopped kissing him, though, as some music on the stereo caught her attention. Will didn't seem to much notice or care – moving his mouth to her one shoulder and pushing his hands behind her back a bit to finally remove her bra. God, that'd be nice – to lose that pressure against her side – but to also to finally feel his caresses against her skin. With what he was doing to her shoulder at the moment – she wouldn't mind if his mouth found the way to her breasts for a bit too.

She arched her back a bit for him as she felt him fumbling with the clasp. He got it and propped himself up again to pull it off of her. She met his eyes as he did and gave him a smile, which he returned.

"Are we listening to Star Wars music?" she asked as they made the eye contact.

He propped himself on his one elbow for a moment and listened questioningly. But then nodded and put his mouth back on her shoulder – trailing a bit downward.

"Why?" she asked.

"Mmm," he mumbled against her. "I just picked the Recently Played list. I had this on for Noah earlier."

He shut up and his mouth found her one nipple. Capturing it briefly into his mouth and then lifting it away and blowing on it. She let out a small gasp and he looked up a smiled wider at her – leaning back to her mouth and capturing it in his again.

"We're making-out to Star Wars?" she asked as he broke away.

"Mmm," he said as he sat back up on his knees. "It's actually the Imperial March. Darth Vader."

She snorted and looked at him and watched as he shoved his pants and briefs half way down his legs and then positioned himself like he was ready to get the show on the road.

She shook her head at him. "You can stand up and take your pants off, Will," she suggested. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Mmm," he mumbled and rested back onto his one elbow again, putting another brief kiss on her mouth. "You said you were ready."

"I can wait another few seconds," she assured him and batted at his shoulder.

He reached down between them and she could feel him rub himself against her sex – and let out a small sigh. Fuck – it felt good.

"Since you pointed out music – I want to get some Star Wars sex in. Pretty once in a lifetime," he said. "Nerdgasm."

She laughed and pushed him away. "Oh my God. I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

He looked at her. "What?" he asked.

"Star Wars sex?" she said. The moment was totally gone now. "Nerdgasm?"

He shrugged.

"Get off me," she said. "Take you pants off – and then try again."

"Com'on Liv," he protested. "The song's almost over."

She rolled her eyes and batted at his shoulder again. "You're ridiculous. Do you know that?"

"You love it," he said and leaned in for another kiss.

"It's not once in a lifetime," she told him as he broke away. "It's on the fucking iPod. You can play it anytime you want."

"Yeah?" he said and gazed at her and then hopped up and fumbled towards their stereo, shucking off and tripping over his pants on the way.

"What the hell are you doing?" she called after him.

"Restarting the song," he said.

"Oh my God," she said and rubbed at her face. "You really are drunk."

He came back and handed her the remote. "What am I supposed to do with this?" she asked.

He shrugged. "In case we need to restart it again – or you want to skip the next song."

She looked at it and then gaped at him and set it on the floor. "OK – Will," she said calmly, "if I'm still hearing – and registering - the music by the time Darth Vader is done this time, you're going to have bigger problems on your hand than whether or not you're getting laid during the Star Wars theme song."

"Not theme song – Imperial March," he corrected her. "Do you want the theme song instead?"

She gaped at him. "NO!" she said and shook her head. Maybe he wouldn't be getting laid that night. Unfortunately that meant neither would she.

He smiled at her and got back on the couch again. She a little reluctantly spread her legs for him – after this oh-so-Will fiasco she was a little undecided if she wanted to. But she made the space for him to settle onto the couch, and her, without completely crushing her.

"You love it," he said, and leaned in for another kiss, which she accepted and began to sigh a bit into it again as she felt his sex pushing at her – as she felt the comfort of his weight on top of her and his arms halfway wrapping around her.

"Am I supposed to compliment your lightsaber or something?" she teased as they broke away again.

He smiled at her, as he reached back down between them. "Mmm, I might like that," he said and adjusted himself, putting him to her entrance.

"Nice lightsabre Will," she mumbled at him and pushed against him a bit, encouraging his movement.

He grinned some more and slowly entered her. "Yeah. I think I like it," he teased.

She let out a breath and gripped at his bicep for a moment.

"OK?" he asked, after giving her several seconds to adjust to his presence - to relax any muscle tension that was hurting her side, or anywhere else.

She'd adjusted herself slightly under his weight as he entered her. He was propping himself up on his one arm and one side more than usual. He was obviously still conscious of her side, even though neither of them had said anything nor had there been any discussion about if they were ready to return to a more missionary position with him on top of her during her continued recovery. They still weren't at the magic six-week mark. But they didn't seem to be counting or listening to that rule much anymore. She needed him – and he seemed to need her just as much.

She gave him a nod. "I'm good," she assured.

He smiled down at her and lowered himself back onto her a bit more. "Tell me," he said.

She nodded again. "I will," she said, knowing he meant if he was hurting her.

She knew, though, that Will would never do anything to purposely hurt her. She trusted him. Even in his slightly inebriated state and his excitement about Star Wars sex – he was obviously still conscious of, and aware of, what he was doing and how she was doing too.

He started to move slowly and when she didn't protest or flinch – he began to work her a bit more. But then she felt him change his movements. She met his eyes and shook her head – giving him a smile and punching his shoulder.

"Oww," he said and smiled at her.

"What are you doing?" she said.

"Imperial March," he said of the rhythm of his thrusts.

She laughed and looked at him again. He was giving her a ridiculous smile. "You're an idiot," she informed him.

"You like it?" he teased.

"Oh yeah," she said. "It feels fantastic."

His eyes seemed to light up at that. "Yeah?"

She laughed again and shook her head. "No. I think Star Wars sex is over-rated."

He bent down and captured her lips, returning his movements to a more normal pattern. "Only because you're not all done up like Leia," he informed her.

"That would never happen," she told him. "Not in a million years."

The chit-chat was really killing all the build-up they'd been having to what had felt like could potentially be some really great sex. Now it felt like they were just goofing off. But that didn't necessarily feel so bad either.

"Never say never," he said.

She shook her head and pulled his mouth to hers again, threading her hand through his hair and holding her other hand tightly against his moving hip.

"Will – I want an orgasm tonight," she informed in slightly more re-aroused breathing when they finally broke away from the kiss to catch their breath in their other movements. "A good one. Maybe two."

"Mmm, I'll try my best," he mumbled. She could see the sweat starting to bead on his brow and his eyes starting to glass in his fixed concentration of his efforts and the sensations they were creating.

She caught his eyes again, though, as she moved her other hand to hold the other side of his hips.

"Do or do not, Will. There is no try," she informed him.

A wide smile spread across his face. "You're sexy when you do Yoda talk."

"And, Will," she said, "shut the fuck up. I can think of better things for you to be doing with that mouth."

He smiled more and pressed his chest a bit more into her breasts. "Yeah?"

"Mmm, yeah," she mumbled and raised her head a bit again to capture his mouth and his staggered breaths. It'd do for the moment.


	189. Chapter 189

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I'm at home," she muttered to herself. "I'm at home. I'm safe. I can feel my feet on the ground. There's music on. Will's here."

She reached out her hand, though, she couldn't bring herself to look at him yet. Still, he immediately found it and she clutched at his hand tightly, while he gave hers a small squeeze. She moved their joint hands to sit on her knee.

"Will's here. I'm at home," she started again. "I'm safe …"

She wanted to tell herself that the flashback had happened just because too many of her faculties were diminished that night. She'd been drinking when maybe she shouldn't have with her other medication at the moment. There'd been so many people at the bar and she just wasn't much for crowds anymore – and then there'd been the noise. She was tired. She was under stress. She should've known better than to let herself get into all of those situations and to combine them together. But she also knew that was victimization talk. It was self-blame. She shouldn't be doing that to herself either.

It had all just come over her so quickly. More quickly than before. Usually she had some sort of sign. Things started to get fuzzy. She could tell it was coming. She could try to talk herself down. She could prepare herself. It didn't always work. Sometimes she still just reacted. Sometimes she was placed in situations where her police training and the flashback intermingled and the training just kicked in and her reaction wasn't what it should've been in the situation. The outcome could've been worse. She could've put more people than herself in danger.

But that was work. This was at home. She'd worked so hard to ensure she dealt with this at home – in her relationship. That it didn't have to impact Will. That he didn't think it was about him or him doing something wrong. He was such a kind and gentle man. He was so good to her. She knew he would never ever hurt her. She didn't think Will was even capable of it.

It had been him, though, that night. It wasn't his fault. But it had been him – and she hated that even more. This was an awful end to their night. This would be what they would remember.

She hated that she'd been having fun. That the night had been so nice for both of them and that now they were here. And, she was sitting like a crazy person talking to herself – trying to talk herself down and bring herself back to reality – to the present and away from that past.

And there was Will – as usual waiting for her. He was always fucking waiting for her. How come that made her so angry sometimes? He hadn't said anything yet. She wasn't sure she wanted him to. But after he'd gotten over his momentary shock, he'd found the afghan over the back of the couch and draped it over her shoulders, engulfing her and then settled next to her as patiently as ever, staying within reach, and waiting for her to come back and give him permission to come in.

She'd gone from enjoying the sex to this … a mess. She knew what it was. Now she could see it.

Will had eventually positioned himself a little awkwardly on top of her. He'd been aligned higher up than usual and angled off and away from her. She couldn't see his face. She couldn't keep the eye contact. Instead she'd ended up looking at his chest. She hated when she didn't have the option of keeping firm eye contact with him during sex. She should've said something. That was her fault. She hadn't. She knew he'd been trying to keep from putting too much weight or pressure against her side. And she had thought they wouldn't be much longer at that point anyway. He'd settled into that position for working towards his own climax. But whether it was from the beer during the night or Will's continued struggles to stay in the moment and achieve orgasm since her shooting – he was taking a while. Too long – and she could hear and feel his ragged breath and it started grating at her … that sound. The longer he took the more of his weight he was letting fall and rest against her in his efforts and fatigue. And – then it just didn't feel good anymore for her. The feelings of being trapped, of being confined, of being overpowered, of being dominated had washed over her so quickly – and she just wasn't there anymore. Instead she was in a place she didn't want to be – a place she never wanted to be again.

"Stop," she'd said a little too quietly. But at her first statement of it, Will had apparently interpreted it as her telling him give up on his efforts to cum.

"I'm almost there," he'd mumbled at her and kept going. She knew he was likely sitting there hating himself for that now.

"No! Stop!" she'd said much more forcibly the next time and slapped at his chest before pushing him so hard and scrambling out from under him.

He had pulled away from her then and gaped at her for a moment before realizing what was happening and settling back onto the couch with that look of concern washing over his face and his body language. But she couldn't look at him. Not right now. She just needed to get herself back to the present – back to her home and to her husband … and normal?

She finally felt like she was getting there. She wasn't sure how long she'd been muttering at herself. How long she'd been doing her breathing exercises. How long she'd been keeping her feet planted on the floor and reminding herself to feel them there. But she finally felt like she was moving away from it. That she was getting back to being present. She squeezed Will's hand on her knee and gave him a small, brief glance. He gave her the thinnest, saddest smile.

"You OK?" he asked so quietly and so gently.

She nodded but went back to looking at the ground. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Olivia," he said. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's not you."

She let out a long and slightly raggedy breath and rubbed her free hand across her eyes. She could feel them in their glassiness during the whole thing. But she hadn't cried. She never seemed to cry. She pushed her hand through her hair a few times.

"God, I wish Noah was here," she whispered.

She did. Her son was such a touchstone for her. Just seeing him could help her get a firmer grip on reality – could help her stay there, help her move past it again, at least for a moment.

"He's not right now, Liv," Will responded.

She nodded. "I know. What time is it?"

Will just shook his head. He didn't have his glasses on to see the clock. He'd have to move away from her to see the time.

"I don't know, Liv," he told her. "Really early in the morning. The middle of the night."

She nodded. She knew that. Too early to call his parents' and to talk to her son. Too early.

They sat quietly again – just keeping their connection with their clenched hands. Olivia worked at continuing to try to relax herself – to calm herself, to let that tension and anxiety that was knotting her stomach and twitching through her nerves and crawling up her back to move away. She continued with her breathing exercises.

"Liv …" Will said quietly after the silence had extended on for minutes. "Can you tell me what happened? What's wrong?"

She just shook her head and looked at the ground. "It was just a flashback. The PTSD. An episode."

She could feel him looking at her more but she couldn't bring her eyes to his.

"That's not what I meant," he said quietly.

She sighed and hung her head a bit more. "Will …," she managed to get out and let it hang there for a while before adding, "I don't want to talk about it."

He squeezed her hand again and she could feel his eyes on her. "Olivia," he said quietly, "it's … really hard for me to not know. It … feels like I … don't know how to be there properly for you. Or what you need. It's meant that I've filled in the blanks on my own – and … I want to think I've filled them in wrong … but it really scares me to think that maybe I haven't."

"Will …" she got out again but he cut her off, gripping her hand more. Even though she didn't like the conversation he was trying to push forward she couldn't let it go. She really needed to feel and know he was there.

"It's just … your job. And … the … guidelines … the rules you have for us … just everything," he sputtered out in short spurts, "… how you don't let people in … how long it took with us for … everything. You … were raped …"

She wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement. It sounded a lot more like a statement than a question in his mind with how it had come out of his mouth.

She hung her head more, slouching over more - protecting herself. "I wasn't raped," she said quietly, shaking her head.

"But … there has to be something to all this," he said softly. "Something behind it. It's not just the job. I don't believe it's just what you've seen on the job. I've known you too long. It's not that. And it's not just that … you really hate oral sex … or some positions. When you say 'no' … when you say 'stop' … it's not like with other women. It's not 'No, not tonight' or 'No, not now' or 'No, I've got a headache.' It's 'no'."

"I wasn't raped," she said again. But she felt her shoulders start to shake with it.

"OK," Will said. "Liv … I'm moving closer to you now," he warned her.

She shook her head. "Will, just leave me," she said more firmly. "I don't want to be touched right now."

He took his hand out of hers where she was still clenching it at it so tightly.

"I'm your husband. I love you. I'm not going to hurt you – ever," he said and slid closer to her on the couch and wrapped his one arm around her. She flinched against him at first and pulled away – but he rubbed at her arm. "It's OK," he assured her. "I'm here for you. I'm not going to hurt you."

She could feel herself shaking. She just didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want Will to know all the details. She'd told him enough. He didn't need to know it all. She didn't want him to think about it. He didn't want him to look at her and think about it. She just didn't want it to be a part of her. She really didn't want it to be a part of them. She could handle it on her own. She could regulate it – could keep it under control, as long as he respected her boundaries. And he did. That was enough. He just needed to keep doing what he was doing.

"I just … I want to understand, Liv. I want to be there for you," he said in her continued silence, rubbing at her arm more. She could feel his side resting gently against hers but he wasn't trying to push himself further on her. He was giving her just enough contact to know he was right there.

"I … hate thinking that you're alone in this … that I'm not allowed to be there for you in this. I can be. I want to be," he told her. "Whatever it is … or was … it's not going to change how I feel about you. It's not going to change our family or who we are … what we mean to each other."

"I wasn't raped, Will," she said again more firmly.

"OK," he said softly and gave the smallest little squeeze to her arm and released it quickly, like he thought maybe he was really hurting her or being too rough with it.

She hated him for his patience – for his understanding. She hated that this had to be a part of their relationship – that it was something he wanted to talk about … now. It was too much. Too much was happening in her life … their lives … right now.

The tears hit and she sucked back a sob. Will rubbed at her arm more.

"It's OK," he told her again.

She shook her head and then moved it and buried it against him and he finally let himself bring his arms up and around her, holding her tightly. She needed it.

"It's OK, Liv," he told her again.

She shook her head some more against him – choking a bit the tears and the sobs that were shaking through her.

"It's not," she said.

"It is," he assured.

"I'm so fucked up," she muttered against him and his arms gripped at her more tightly, rubbing at her back and her arms. A kiss handing in her hair.

"You aren't," he said and she felt him shaking his head and the own rattle in his chest. "You aren't."


	190. Chapter 190

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She was sure she might be hurting Will a little bit – on several levels.

After she'd calmed enough, they'd moved up to their bed. It had taken her a while longer after they'd settled there – but eventually, she needed to feel his presence and his arms around her and had scooched over and settled against him in her usual positioning. His arm had come up around her and held her. She'd rested her ear against his chest, near his heart, just listening to it and watching the slow rise and fall of his breathing.

Neither of them were talking. She knew he was likely leaving it up to her to decide if she wanted to talk more. He'd pushed a little and she'd held her ground – that she didn't want to talk about it, that she wasn't raped - so he'd moved on to just comforting her.

She couldn't decide if she wanted to talk. Part of her wanted to and another just felt that saying any of it out loud would change who they were and what they had. That he would somehow look at her differently and see a different person than the woman he thought he'd come to know and love.

In her contemplation, her one hand had found its way up to the tiniest little patch of chest hair that Will had. He usually didn't have much at all. His hair was so fair and fine was it was – and add in the amount of time he spent in the pool; the chlorine pretty much bleached and burned off the tiny little bit he had left on him. He'd been so irregularly in the pool lately, though, that some of it had managed to grow back or at least become a little more apparent. It had almost become a worry spot while she became lost in her thoughts. It was just something else to feel under her fingers and to keep her grounded while she decided if and what she wanted to say. But she doubted that Will much appreciated her combing through it and twisting it around repeatedly. He wasn't saying anything though.

She rubbed her cheek against his chest a couple times and moved her arm to stop with her hand's restless movements – settling it across him and around him instead.

"Don't say anything," she told him. "Just … let me … get it out."

"OK," he said but then she felt him shake his head. "Sorry," he apologized.

She gave a small smile against his chest – as much as she could manage in that particular moment. She felt his hand come up a bit tighter around her shoulders. She closed her eyes for a moment – feeling him, reminding herself it was Will – how much she cared about him, how much he cared about her, how much the shooting had just brought into an even starker reality just the role he played in her life anymore.

She let out a deep breath very slowly and then even more slowly allowed her eyes to open. She let herself gaze off towards the window – not him, not yet. A dim light was coming in. She could just make out the streetlight on the next street and the starts of the changes of colours in the sky. The sun was slowly starting to work at pushing out the dark in the city.

"Some things came up on a case I was working," she said slowly, "and we got some information that suggested some male corrections officers at a women's prison were sexually assaulting … raping … some of the inmates. There were drugs involved and the rape of a teenaged girl on the outside too … and I really wanted to get the guy. So … I … volunteered to go undercover as an inmate in the prison …"

She stopped and thought about it more. She ran her hand down Will's side. She could still feel each of his ribs. There'd been a point her she could see them too – count them. But feeling her fingers bump over them and count them there was just as good. She could feel his breathing. She could feel his hand cupping her shoulder but could almost feel the slight tension and tremble under it – like he was scared what she was going to say next.

She sighed and moved her cheek against him anymore. She could smell him. He didn't smell very good that night – not like Will. He smelled of beer and sex and sweat and the bar and greasy food. She wished he smelt more like him.

"I guess … I … found … the man who'd raped the girl … the girl's mother. But …"

She shook her head and quieted again. She didn't know how to say or how to make Will understand. She felt him grip at her a bit more tightly. She reminded herself that it was just him – that he always brought his arm up like that to cup and grip at her shoulder when they were laying that way.

"He took me down to a room in the basement of the jail," she said more quietly. "We were too far into the situation before I realized what was happening – and … we aren't supposed to blow our cover. He wouldn't have believed me anyway, even if I had."

She sighed again. Part of her still felt so stupid – so angry at herself. No matter how much therapy she had. No matter what she told all the victims she dealt with. There was still that element of self-blame. She thought there always would be a touch – even though she knew it wasn't her fault.

"He had me in handcuffs," she said in a bit more shaky voice. "It was dark. But then there was this … dirty mattress … just there."

She stopped for a moment again. She could feel Will's breathing slowing more – like he was holding his breath. But his heart was pounding harder and faster under her ear. His fingers still gripping at her shoulder – maybe a little too tightly now. Now, though, she was almost finding it to be a touchstone to keep her in the moment.

That movement, that positioning, that way of holding her – it was so Will. It was something he'd done for her - if she'd let him sit with her on the couch, if she'd accept a hug or comfort or a cuddle – even before they had a physical relationship. Even before she let them start openly defining themselves as a couple – even though they'd long been one in some warped way.

"The … reality of what was happening set in then … and I tried to get away. I fought against him. But … he completely overpowered me. He … threw me down on the mattress. On my stomach … and he got on top of me. I could … feel him." She sucked in a breath at that memory and the sound in her lungs only made Will mirror – his chest trembling slightly under her.

"He liked it," she said, shaking her head a bit and trying not to vividly remember. "He liked that I was struggling … that I was screaming for help. He liked that. He said that I … must like it rough."

Will made a little sound and his opposite hand went up to his face for a moment and then came and settled against her, holding her more. His heart was so loud under her.

"He took off one of the cuffs. To make me 'more comfortable'," she spat and let out another ragged breath. "So I elbowed him. I kicked him. I got a way. I ran. I hid. But he came looking."

She shook a bit again at that memory. Huddling in the corner behind the boxes. The sound of the baton against the metal of the storage cages. His voice. His threats. Knowing that she had no where else to go – no where else to hide – and it would only be a matter of time until he found her. She'd tried to formulate a plan. To calm the panic. To figure out how to deal with the situation. How to talk her way out of it. How to negotiate it. But she was so full of fear. So scared. Survival instincts. Adrenaline. All out terror. Those were kicking in more than her years of police training – no matter how hard she worked to push them down, to steady her breathing, to determine how to react.

"I could hear him coming," she told Will. "His footsteps. He was knocking things down. No one knew we were down there. No one could hear us. He was saying he was going to kill me when he found me. That he'd make it look like I tried to escape – like it was an accident while he tried to catch me. That's what he'd do if I didn't come out."

Will let out an even shakier breath at that and she could hear how the snot was collecting in his nose from the tears she knew were streaming down his cheeks, even though she couldn't yet bring herself to look. He kept sniffing and sucking it back in his failed attempts to keep it together and to hide his emotions from her while she spoke.

"He found me," she said quietly. "So I told him that I'd co-operate. But he hit me – and he dragged me over to this … door and he had me on the ground … and handcuffed my hand there to the bars so I couldn't get away again …"

She paused and tried to force herself not to see it in her mind's eye – to say the last words but to not have to see it again. To disassociate herself from it. To distance herself from the experience. To remind herself it was the past. It wasn't happening now.

She gripped around Will's side more tightly and listened to the pounding of his heart for a few moments. She could feel the tension in him. The fear. She knew this was among his worst nightmares about her job. She hadn't wanted to admit to him that one of the worst possible outcomes had already happened. She didn't want him to worry – about her or about what could happen in the future.

It was like the shooting. She could hope that it wouldn't happen again. She could hope that she learned from the experience and would know how to better avoid it in the future. But she couldn't guarantee for him – or for herself – that it wouldn't ever happen again. Or that the outcome wouldn't be more dire.

"… And then he … unzipped his pants … and he told me no teeth … and he kept moving closer to me. And he was so close. He was … holding my head. So hard. He was trying to force me to … take him …"

She shook her head against Will's chest again. She couldn't complete that line of thought. She didn't want to think about it. She couldn't. It was going to come back too much if she actually said that part out loud.

"I was scared. I was crying. I didn't want to but … I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I couldn't move. He had a weapon. I was overpowered. He … it … was right there and … I just couldn't look away but … I couldn't. I didn't know if … I was going to be raped … or if I was going to die … or if it was both the same at that point."

Will made another sound and his one hand left her to go back to his face. His crying was so much more apparent at that point. She could hear it in his breathing and the trembling in his chest as he tried to keep it together for her. It just made her own tears start to roll out and pool against the skin on his chest.

"But … Fin … he was undercover as a prison guard … and he found me in time. So … I was OK."

OK? That was relative. She wasn't OK. She just hadn't been raped. She hadn't been killed. But OK? She wasn't that.

She could hear Will sniffing and still keeping his one hand up at his face and eyes, trying to swipe at his tears and hide them from her. The fact he was crying maybe told her more about him – something she already knew – but reaffirmed it. Her hurt was his hurt. He hated that had happened to her. He would've hated it more if they'd been together when it happened. He would've felt like he hadn't protected her – like he failed her. Even now he was likely cursing himself for knowing her for so many years – for being sleeping with her, for being married to her – and having not had her share this with him previously. Cursing that he hadn't been there for her more or in a better or different way.

"Is he in jail?" Will sputtered out a bit.

She nodded against him. "He is. For now."

She could feel him nod a bit. She reached and swiped at her own tears.

"I want to say a couple more things," she got out.

"OK …" Will said quietly and she could feel him trying to still his chest and breathing – to hear what she said, to listen, to be there for her.

"I was … with Kurt when all this happened," she told Will.

She knew he initially wouldn't like that. She she'd been with a man that Will already despised – who he already felt had caused her pain and stress. And Kurt had been the one who was supposedly there for her during all of this. Kurt. Not Will. He'd hate that.

"Our relationship was kind of … on the rocks before this … the assault. But … this just … ended it before I even ended it. I didn't even tell him what happened. I just … didn't go see him until the bruises were gone."

She felt Will release a small sigh at that. She wasn't sure if it was relief that she hadn't turned to Kurt for support. Or if it was anger that she'd been with a man that she didn't think she could turn to support. Or if he was wondering if she would've avoided him until the bruises were gone too. If he still wouldn't have gotten let in – gotten to know – even if they had been together when it happened?

"I was … in denial for a while about it," she said. "I told myself I was fine … because I wasn't even really raped. I tried to … convince myself that it didn't even count as sex assault. That I was … being a baby about it."

His hand returned to grip at her more at that. She could tell he wanted to speak. To tell her she wasn't being a baby about it. That she'd been sexually assaulted. But he respected her request and remained silent.

"I deal with all these people … these women … every day who have been through so much more than what I went through. I told myself that I shouldn't be crying about … something that almost was. So I didn't … talk to anyone about it for a long time."

She rubbed her cheek against his chest again and thought for a moment.

"I didn't even say much of anything to Elliot," she said softly and Will's hand clutched at her more at that. He'd know that her not telling her friend, her partner, was an indication of how in denial she was, how much she had turned in on herself, how much it had hurt and traumatized her. "He sort of knew … some of the details because of the charges. But when he asked me what had happened in that basement. I told him that nothing happened. That I was fine. He still doesn't know all the details. I don't want him to – ever."

She felt her eyes starting to water again and couldn't keep them in – so they again pooled on Will's chest. Him feeling them there just made him release another noise and she knew he was once again in tears too. He was feeling how alone she felt back then. If Elliot didn't know – then no one would've known. Will knew that.

"Fin kept it as private as possible for me," she clarified after letting the tears fall for a bit and trying to regroup herself. "That's the way I wanted it. I wanted it to be private. I didn't want people to know. But … it was just part of this … self-destructive behaviour. I was just … letting myself … internalize too much. Be too alone. Go to these bad places and … it was like … I couldn't stop myself."

She sighed and again let herself feel Will's skin under her cheek and wrapped her arm around him again a bit more tightly.

"I was still having this … awful, meaningless, uncomfortable sex with Kurt … and I should've just … stopped. It felt … so … wrong. I wasn't sleeping. It was just all this … denial that anything was wrong. Trying to convince myself that nothing had happened – nothing worth getting so upset about."

She fell quiet again for a while and her fingers again found the patch of hair on Will's chest. She still had more she wanted to say to him at that point. It felt like it was all coming out. In spits-and-spurts but it was coming out and she wanted it out. Out there. Visible to both of them. Just … no more secrets.

"And then I was pregnant with Noah," she said. "And … it should've been this super happy and exciting time. And … it just wasn't. It was … stressful. There was all this other … stuff I was trying to deal with … or forget about … going on inside me. And there was the stress of that and the Kurt situation. It just … made me feel even more … alone."

Will let out another rattle at that. She knew how much he hated that he hadn't been there when she was pregnant. How much he wished he'd gotten to see her pregnant and to watch Noah grow inside her – to see him be born. To get to hold him as a baby. To know that it wasn't a joyous time for her. That she was pregnant during the fall out from all of this – it would hurt him. To know that she was even more alone in it than he'd likely imagined would pain him.

"The stress of the assault and … the hormones from the pregnancy … and some cases came up at work … that's when the flashbacks started," she said. "And … I put some people in danger. That's when I … admitted I needed help. So I … went and got therapy … and a support group. But … it's been a long road. I still don't know how much it's actually helped. Some times it's helped more than other days."

She sighed again – more at herself this time.

"And … really … for a long time … I was focused on … helping myself at work. Dealing with it through the lens of work. I guess part of that was … taking a break from men … from sex. I … just didn't think I could handle it. New men … dating … expectations."

She pressed her cheek into him more at that and again moved her hand to grip at his side.

"I know I've said that … it was because of Noah. And he was part of it – being a mother was part of it. Not wanting men floating in-and-out of his life. But … it wasn't all of it."

She let out another shaky breath and caressed his side a bit.

"That's why I just … I just don't want to put myself in a position of having a flashback while I'm with you. I hate that I've had a few while we've been being … intimate. So … I just … try to avoid things that I know would send my mind there. Because … Will … you're the only man I've been with since I actually started dealing with these things. And, I've been … really trying to make sure that I'm dealing with this at home and coping with it better … for us and for Noah and for this relationship. But sometimes I feel like … I'm making it up as I go along. That I just don't know. That I'm denying you things or a normal relationship."

She let out a long breath so slowly and moved a bit closer to him. She wanted to feel more of him at that point. He was still there. He hadn't run yet.

"Sometimes I just feel like I don't have the right to feel this way about any of it," she said so very quietly. "Not when other people have gone through so much more. They have to deal with something so much more traumatic and real than me."

"Olivia …" Will said. "It was real. It was traumatic. I …" she felt him choke on another sob and his one hand again went back to his face and swiped at his eyes. "I hate that someone would do that to you. I … really hate that. So much."

His whole chest was trembling under her as he tried not to cry harder than he already was – as he struggled to hold in a sob.

"And … I hate thinking about after," he said shakily. "Because I know you, Liv. I know you would've … pretended to be OK and said you were OK. I know … that … you work with men and you work all these horrific cases and you try to be so fucking strong all the time. Stronger and more in check than even all these fucking macho men around you. You're … the strongest person I know. You're so fucking strong and it makes me feel weak half the time. It makes me feel like … why the fuck do you need me …"

"I need you," she said, hardly even realizing it had come out of her mouth.

It was true, though. She was at a point in her life that she couldn't imagine living – functioning – without Will there. She wondered where he'd been for so long. Why it had taken them so long to find each other. How things would've been different if they had met … a decade ago. He'd become so much a part of her and she depended on him in ways she didn't even want to admit.

Will griped at her shoulder more. "I know you do. And I also know … even with everything you do … your fronts … you're still … so feminine. And you're … such a girl … a woman. You're my girl. My wife. And what that … man … ," he spat out the word like he hated it, or at least didn't believe it was an accurate word for the person in question. "That's just … you don't treat women that way. And for someone to touch you that way … to hurt you that way … to do those things to you … when it's you … when you dedicate your life to … helping these people …"

He was shaking again. "I want to hurt him, Olivia," he said harshly, his fingers clutching around her even more. "I want to go and see him – and … I want to … hit him. Spit on him. Scream at him."

"Then he wins," she said quietly. "Then he knows he hurt me enough that it's still affecting me – and affecting us. He wins."

Will sighed and his hand went up to his eyes and she felt his chest shake hard. "I want him to hurt," he said as a hard quiver shook through him.

"He's in jail. Supposedly that's punishment enough. Enough hurt," she said flatly.

"I don't believe that," Will said quietly.

"It's how the system works," she tried.

"The system's broken," he contended.

She sighed and rubbed her cheek against his chest more. His heart was still pounding so hard. She put her one hand up near it – trying to still him and calm him more. But with each beat it rumbled against her hand with an intensity.

"I have to believe there's value to the system, Will," she said quietly. "I have to trust the ultimately it works and serves a purpose. I work in the system."

He let out another shaky breath but didn't say anything for a long time more. She just kept listening to his heart – willing it to slow back down to more normal levels. She felt his skin under her hand. He felt so warm under the blankets and his skin was still so smooth and soft – even with him pushing 40. Likely another perk of swimming so much – or maybe just eating a ridiculous amount of fruits and veggies and being rather selective about what meat he ingested.

"I hate that you think that I feel like I'm missing out on something in this relationship or that … I'm not getting what I want or need," he said quietly after a while. "I've never felt that way, Olivia. Ever. I get … so fucking much out of this relationship. I always have. I don't care that you don't want to …"

"I know," she said softly. "It's just … sometimes … it's hard to … enjoy things. Or … I feel like I'm … asking you for something and not returning the favour. I just … hate … that I feel like … there's too many rules and it's my fault."

"It's not your fault," Will said instantly. "None of any of it is your fault. And … all relationships have rules. Our relationship has never been about the sex to me. I would've bailed … a long time ago if it had been. I really, really don't care, Liv. I hate thinking that that's something you stress about or worry about. Because I've never thought about any of the bedroom stuff that way."

She gave a small nod and rubbed her hand across his chest, trying to calm him. "OK, Will."

He was quiet for a while but then dropped, "You had more reason to go running about the sex than I did …"

She shook her head against him. She wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about. She thought he just meant everything she'd just spewed out at him.

"Those first few times …" he added when she hadn't responded.

But that caused her to release a small smile against his chest. She didn't really want to smile. But Will sometimes had a way of injecting some levity when he was having trouble coping with something. It was just him. She'd take it over him yelling and swearing or melting down even more. She was too fragile right now too.

"You were pretty awful for the first while," she agreed quietly after several beats.

"You admit it now – you didn't say anything back then," he said.

She snorted and looked up at him for the first time. He was gazing at the ceiling. She could still see the trails of wet down his face from the tears but it looked like he'd stopped for the moment. She put a small kiss on his chest as she settled her cheek back against him and he made another sad sound at it, which made her feel a little bad so she gripped at him again more tightly.

"What was I supposed to say?" she asked softly. "We both knew what the problem was. I didn't want to embarrass you more than you already were. Besides, I kind of valued the friendship way more than the sex too. I didn't want to screw it up."

Will let out another little breath at that and they both lay quietly again for a while.

"It helped, Will," she said after the silence had hung between them for several minutes. "Knowing that you were dealing with issues and challenges and things to overcome there too. It made it easier for me to be with you and not be as … intimidated about trying to … get back to normal. I really don't know … who, when … ever … if I would've, if I hadn't met you. Maybe after Noah's grown. I don't know. I don't want to think about it."

She sighed and she felt tears coming again. She shook her head against him – trying to get the tears to stop before they pooled on him again. It didn't work – and his hand again rubbed at her shoulder.

"You make things … easier for me, Will," she admitted but had to suck back a sob. "You make things so much easier for me. You … make me feel safe and loved. I haven't had that before – and I really, really needed it."

His chest rattled again.

"I love you," he said in a ragged voice.

"I know," she said. "You show me all the time. Since we met. All the time. I love you too."

He gripped at her shoulder more. "Thank you for telling me … about … everything," he said.

She nodded. "You needed to know. Deserved to."

She heard him sniffing and sucking on the accumulated snot even more from his own tears. Laying flat on his back likely wasn't helping. She pushed herself up a little on her elbow and his fingers ran down her back and caressed there lightly. She gazed at the clock on his bedside table. It was almost 5 a.m.

She settled back on him. "You want to get up?" she asked softly. He just rubbed more at her back and didn't say anything. "I don't think I'm going to sleep right now," she admitted. "Do you want to go and get Noah and let your mom make us a big weekend breakfast?"

Will let out a small snort at that. "You want to spend time with my parents on a Saturday morning?"

She rubbed her cheek against him more. "I want family time – and I really want to give my son a hug."

His hand moved up to her hair and stroked it a few times, his fingers running through some of the tangled strands. "OK," he said quietly. "You want to try to rest for a while and I'll grab my shower first?"

She shook her head. "No. I want you to come with me and hold me for a while – under the water."

She felt him move his head slightly and look at her. "That'll be OK?"

She met his eyes. "I think I'm going to be OK now," she told him. "For now."


	191. Chapter 191

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Ted turned around and gave his son a smile as he appeared in the door of the kitchen. He held up the pot of coffee that he was pouring himself.

"You need some?" he asked.

Will nodded. "Yeah," he mumbled and slouched against the one counter, still rubbing at his face a bit.

His father gave him another smile at that and handed over the mug. "You fix it up yourself," he said.

Will shook his head. "Black's good."

His dad just nodded as he took his first sip. Will let out a small sigh. He needed the caffeine.

After rolling into his parents', his a little shocked mother had fixed them up breakfast – without even being asked. Pancakes and sausage. Enough to fed the whole family – not just them. It was a little ridiculous but that was his mother.

Olivia got her hugs from Noah and visited with him at the table but not long after getting some food in her belly – she indicated she was going to go upstairs and lay down for a while. Will had taken it as a clear sign that she'd calmed down, if she felt she was now going to be able to sleep. She'd been clearly awake, though, a little spacey on their trip over. She hadn't said much to him at all on the couple hour trip in the early morning, weekend service. But she'd kept up the physical contact in a way that was unusual for her. She kept on finding his hand and leaning against him. Taking him out to the deck on the ferry and looping her arm in his and resting her head against his shoulder as they watched the water and the island move closer to them.

Will had initially given her space as she went up to bed – wanting to let her get some shut-eye that he felt she so badly needed. But after it was apparent that Noah was still more interested in grandma time than the arrival of his parents, he'd headed upstairs and crawled into bed with her. She'd barely stirred but seemed to have sensed he was there and against found her way to him, using his shoulder as a pillow and soaking up his body heat. He didn't much mind. He liked holding her and making sure she was OK. It felt good to let himself drift off with her in his arms.

He'd slept for a couple hours but Liv was still passed out soundly it seemed. He'd carefully removed himself from under her in the way she'd sprawled against him. His one arm had fallen asleep from the weight of her body pressing into it. But he hadn't wanted to risk his wakefulness disturbing her. He'd decided moving her was better than stirring near her until he drifted back off, if he did drift back off. So he'd come downstairs.

Really, he felt like he was likely going to be sleeping soon again – unless this caffeine did its job. Liv might be able to function on little to no sleep but he was way passed being able to handle all-nighters like what they'd just pulled. Two hours of sleep in the middle of the morning wasn't likely going to tie him through for the rest of the day.

"Where were you this morning?" Will asked his dad.

Ted shrugged, still eyeing up his son with a bit of a smirk on his face. "Always do Saturday morning coffee shop talk with the guys. You know that."

"Mmm," Will had allowed.

It was so tired he hadn't even much thought about what his parents' usual Saturday morning schedules and rituals would be. Not that it had much mattered to him that his dad wasn't there. Liv had expressed some regret that he wasn't there to make up breakfast, though.

"I think Liv wanted your peameal bacon and overeasy this morning," he mumbled.

Ted snorted at that as he brought his own mug down for his mouth. "The ultimate hangover breakfast," he quipped.

Will shook his head. "We aren't hung over. Just tired. We didn't get much sleep last night."

Ted gave him another smile. "'Atta boy," he said flatly and took another swig out of his mug.

Will shook his head and rolled his eyes, rubbing at his face. "We were just up talking, Dad."

"That what they calling it these days?" Ted gave it another wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

His father was likely loving this. He'd gotten to have his other wink-wink, nudge-nudge moments with his brothers back in their teens and early-20s. Will had managed to avoid them – and had wanted to avoid them.

For all the religion spouted in their house – sometimes his father still treated them like they were young probies at the fire hall and teasing season was open when it came to their sex and love lives. Tom had been quite the carouser until he met Becky (and still sort of was – at least in the boisterous drinking aspect of it) and had seen some good humour in it. Rob not so much – especially since he started dating Karen in high school and managed to knock her up shortly there after. But he still seemed to participate a bit.

Will, though, had avoided it like the plague – same with his Dad's version of the birds-and-the-bees talk. He thought his dad still regretted that he'd never managed to corner Will into that one. But Will figured his older brothers had corrupted him enough, educated him enough and terrified him enough with their bullying, teasing and annoying adolescent intrusions that he didn't much need his dad to sit him down for the official talk.

"Talking is still just talking, Dad," Will sighed.

"Mmm," his father allowed. "That doesn't sound like much fun."

Will snorted and shook his head again.

"We sure weren't expecting to see you two until into the afternoon or later," he said. "Saw Tommy this morning. He looked a little rough."

Will allowed a small laugh at that. "Doesn't Tom always look rough after something where there's been an open bar? I think he did better at taking advantage of that than anyone else in the room."

His father shrugged. "Might as well if you're paying for it."

Will snorted. "And that is the real reason we aren't having an open bar at the reception," he said flatly.

Ted shrugged. "Your prerogative son. Tommy would've behaved at your wedding."

"Tom better behave at the reception," Will reaffirmed and gave his father a stern look.

He was still worried about that. He never knew what Tom could do. The immaturity he could pull. His brother had kind of seemed like he'd reached a better understanding – or at least respect - for his and Olivia's relationship since the shooting. He'd really tried to be there for Will and make sure he understood things the doctors were saying and that someone from his ambulance bay was always around in the wings during Olivia's hospital stay. He'd been calling to check in on them more since she'd gotten home too. It seemed a bit like a new Tom. But there was still the old Tom – and Will had definitely seen glimpses of him the night before, especially as he got more alcohol into his system.

"We've talked to him," Ted said and gave his son even sterner eyes back – almost of warning that Will was still his son and him raising his voice at his father wouldn't be tolerated. "But you still haven't said why you and that lady of yours are here? Sure think you have a pretty comfy bed back home that didn't need a two hour transit trip for you to be sleeping in."

Will shrugged. "Liv doesn't like being away from Noah very long after treatment."

Saying it seemed to make Will realize that he hadn't seen or heard his son since he'd come downstairs and he looked around a bit – falling silent to see if he could hear the television going in the basement or play happening out in the yard. It seemed too quiet, though.

"Where is Noah?" he asked, giving his father a questioning look.

"Boy was complaining about pain in his back again. Your mother took him out for a walk – get him up and off it. Some distraction. Fresh air and some exercise. Do him some good."

Will snorted at that. The way his dad put it, it was like he was suddenly an expert on dealing with leukemia and the days after treatment. He and Liv were still working at figuring out how to juggle dealing with his bounce back from the new treatment – and they had about 18 months of experience dealing with chemo – and they sure didn't consider themselves to be experts.

"Did you check his puncture?" Will asked.

His dad nodded. "Yep. Had Karen come over and take a look too. All looks fine."

Will puckered his mouth at that too. He didn't much like the idea of Noah being paraded in front of half the family to determine if he was OK or not. But he figured that was likely an indication that his father and mother weren't quite as confident about their chemo after-care abilities as his dad's tone might be trying to let on.

"He get through the night OK?" Will asked again and examined his father some more.

His dad rubbed at his temple at that. "Boy was up a couple times complaining of a headache and eventually threw up pretty good. Also wet the bed."

Will gave a small nod and took a sip of his coffee. "'Kay. That's normal," he assured his dad, who now looked a little uncomfortable about being quizzed on their babysitting duties. "The drugs irritate his urethra. Doesn't seem to feel the need to go in quite the same way anymore – especially when he's sleeping. Leaks. We are up changing his sheets a lot. Puking is normal too for the few days after treatment. And headaches – especially with this new treatment it seems this week."

His dad looked down. The teasing look he'd had on his face seemed to have disappeared a bit.

"Being there with Noey while his mother was in the hospital and last night … it's been a bit of an eye-opener about exactly what you and Olivia have been dealing with, son," he said flatly.

Will just shrugged. "It's part of our routine now," he said quietly and started to take a growing interest in the floor.

He didn't much want to talk about it with his father. He'd done his best to avoid getting into all the details with his parents throughout all of it. They gave them updates on how Noah was doing and what was going on with his treatment. They appreciated their visits at the hospital. They appreciated knowing that they'd give them a lift, if they needed one. They appreciated getting given some leftovers to take home after they'd been there for a Sunday dinner. But he and Olivia had made a conscious decision to not burden them with all the nitty-gritty details. It was really more than anyone wanted to know.

The reality of cancer and chemotherapy was more than most people really could comprehend until they had to deal with it themselves. And, having dealt with it as caretakers – neither her nor Olivia felt that they needed to let people in on the true amount of pain and stress and discomfort that Noah – and them – were experiencing.

"That shouldn't be part of the routine of any parent," his father offered quietly.

But Will just shrugged again and kept looking at the floor. He could feel tears welling up again. He didn't want to cry in front of his dad. He didn't cry in front of his dad. It just wasn't an option. But he was so tired and last night had been so heavy. The last month had just been so much. He reached up his hand and swiped at his eyes and looked off to the other corner, trying to hide what was happening.

His dad had seen, though, and moved across the kitchen and leaned against the counter next to the younger man. Will hung his head more. He wanted to leave the room but for some reason he just couldn't get his feet to move. He let out a shaky breath and his father put his hand up and around his shoulders, giving him a firm squeeze at the crook of his neck.

"You're a good man, son," he said.

Will just shook his head and offered no response.

"You know, William – your mom, me, your brothers… this whole family. We all know you've dealt with a lot in your life – for someone your age. More than your fair share. And now all this with your family …" The silence seemed to hang there for an eternity before his father continued. "I just want you to know that your mother and I – we sure love Olivia and that grandson you got us, a whole lot."

Will snorted. "You just like that she's NYPD," he commented. "You always have."

His dad shook his shoulder so firmly at that that it nearly rattled Will – but gave him a big smile. "Of course we like that, Willie. But we love Olivia because you've let us get to know her. You found a good one there. Smart, beautiful, quick tongue, strong willed. Just what a son of mine needs."

Will allowed another small snort but still kept his eyes on the floor.

"Your Mom and I – we're here for you, Will. And Olivia and Noey. You don't need to pussy foot around us. You've done enough of that. Both of you. You need us - we're there."

He nodded. "I know, Dad," he said quietly.

His father shook him firmly again. "Good. Because you only are going to be putting up with us for so much longer. So better take advantage of it while you can, boy."

Will let out a sound. "Don't talk like that, Dad."

He gripped at him again. "Just speaking the truth, boy," he said and pulled his head hard toward him and planted his mustache against his temple for a really brief kiss. Will couldn't even think of the last time his Dad did that to him – likely when he was about 10 or 11 years old. Noah's night must've rattled him more than he was letting on.

"You and Olivia staying the day?" he asked as he pulled away and pretended it hadn't even happened.

Will shrugged again and swiped at his eyes more to rid himself of the residual tears and the ones still threatening to drip out.

"I don't know, Dad," he said. "I don't know how long Liv will sleep. I might go lay down again. She said she wanted to take Noah over to the shipwreck playground at Seaside, if he's feeling up to it."

"You should stay the night," his dad said. "You bring a bag? You two really should just start leaving a change here. Drawers in that dresser are empty anyway."

"Maybe. I don't know. She's supposed to go get the dress – see Elliot tomorrow morning."

"There's a good man too," Ted said with a nod and took another swig of his coffee.

Will looked at him at that, though. "Because he's NYPD too?" he asked questioningly, and a little concerned.

As far as he knew, his parents had only meet Elliot a handful of times: at the Labour Day barbeque the previous year and a few times during parallel visits at the hospital. But as far as he knew, they'd never said more than a few words to each other.

"That – but been talking with him some about the wedding," Ted clarified. "Good man."

Will rubbed at his face. "What do you mean you've been talking with him some, Dad?"

Ted looked at him. "He's the maid of honour, son. The bride's mouthpiece when she's unavailable – and her family as far as we can all tell. You two have been so busy with Noey this past week – we didn't want to bug you. So bounced a couple things off of Stabler. Got his contact info from Robbie."

Will let out a breath and looked at the ceiling at that. "OK. Do not tell Liv that. She won't be happy."

"Why not? Saved her the trouble of having to worry about any of it."

"Dad! You know, Olivia. Does this seem like the kind of thing she would've approved if you'd gone to her for a go-ahead?"

"Well – we didn't get permission for a reason. Easier to apologize, son. You should've learned that by now as a married man."

Will sighed. "What did you even have to talk to him about?"

His father knocked him on the back of his head – a little too roughly for Will's liking. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it. You just let me and your mother handle it all. It's going to be all set up nice for you next Saturday. You just make sure you get your bride and that little boy over here and as healthy as possible for everyone's big day."

Will snorted at that.

"Mmm," Ted mumbled around his coffee mug like he'd had a sudden and important thought. "You talk to Noey too. We got him all sorted out on that Make A Wish thingy for you. So no more worrying about that either. You tell Olivia."

Will gaped at him at that. "What do you mean you've got him all sorted out?"

"Talk to the boy," Ted waved at him dismissively. "Your mother and I aren't such hopeless cases at parenting as you think. We can handle it. All this. Noey being sick. We're here for you – and our grandson. And that daughter-in-law of ours too."


	192. Chapter 192

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will watched his wife and son as he walked back towards the playground with their treat in hand. Noah had just about managed to get to the top of a rope ladder that led up to the deck of one of the shipwrecked boats that made up the playground. His mother was hovering a little too close – possibly hinting at the fact that she didn't think her son was even up to his usual standards. But at the moment – from the distance he was at – Noah looked relatively healthy and active. Sometimes Will liked watching from a distance. You could almost pretend that Noah was just a normal healthy boy.

The little boy gazed down at his mother with some triumph as he managed to get up onto flat ground again. But in the movement, he noticed Will.

"Daddy's back," he called out loudly enough that Will could hear from still several yards away from the playground.

Noah looked down at Olivia, who held up her arms for him, and her son leaped from the deck into them. She managed to catch him and didn't look any worse for the wear – but it made Will cringe a bit. She supported her son on her hip and started walking towards the picnic table Will was headed for. But after a few steps, she let Noah slide down to the ground and he ran the rest of the way to the table and eagerly took a seat.

Olivia and Will didn't make it to the table until about the same time. He shook his head at her. "You shouldn't be doing that," he chastised.

"I'm fine, Will," she said and gave him brief daggers before taking a seat on the side with Noah.

"You say that now – but what if you catch him funny, or he accidentally kicks your side …"

"I'm fine, Will," she said again, her eyes clearly indicating he should drop it.

He sighed and put the sundae, the spoons and napkins on the table, and pulled the cold bottles of water out from under his arm before he sat down on his lonesome side. Noah didn't even wait for him to get seated, snatching up one of the plastic spoons and digging in. Will shook his head at him too.

"Slow down, buddy," he said. "You'll give yourself brain freeze – and it's not exactly going to melt on you in this weather."

"Mmmm," Olivia agreed around a taste of ice cream on her own spoon. "I hope it isn't this cold next weekend. An outdoor reception at the end of October is starting to seem like it wasn't such a hot idea."

Will snorted but gave her a smile. "We'll be fine," he said, mirroring her previous language.

It just caused her to roll her eyes at him – and then she reached out her spoon to take some of his scoop of ice cream.

"Hey, hey," he blocked her with his spoon. "You wanted cookies and cream. You stay on your side of the sundae, Missy."

That just caused her to roll her eyes more and push his spoon out of her way. "I'll have chocolate peanut butter too, I want to."

"That so?" Will said and reached across the bowl to purposely take a rather heaping spoonful of her choice instead.

"Mmm," she protested around her spoon again as he did it. "I did NOT take that much of yours."

Will just eyed her and put it in his mouth anyways – dancing his eyes at her.

"Jerk," she said and looked back to the bowl, rolling the cherry that had fallen off to the side over towards where Noah was working on his strawberry scoop. "There's the cherry, sweets."

The little boy picked it out awkwardly with his fingers and then licked the whipped cream and chocolate sauce off his hands and the cherry before wordlessly popping it into his mouth.

"I guess I should've pulled out the hand sanitizer before treat," Olivia commented as she watched him.

Will snorted. "I think he'll survive this one."

She eyed him with enough disagreement in her eyes that her opinion was clear. She was so much more uptight and cautious about Noah's immune system than he was. Will wasn't sure which one of them was right anymore. He supposed it didn't really matter. They both took steps to make sure Noah wasn't exposed to germs he didn't have to be. But Olivia usually took it the extra mile. In her own exhaustion since the shooting, she'd been slightly more lax about it.

She made no comment, though, and just added another small taste of his ice cream to the tip of her spoon and put it to her mouth – giving him another look.

"You know he has ice cream too, right?"

She shrugged. "I don't feel like strawberry today."

Will shook his head at her again. But she just offered him a smile.

"This will probably be the last ice cream sundae of the season," he commented before putting some more in his mouth to melt too. "Getting a little chilly for sundaes in the park."

"It's never too cold for ice cream, right, sweets?" Olivia directed at her son.

Noah looked to Will. "Ice cream is always good Daddy."

"Even in the snow?"

"Then we have sno-cones," Noah suggested.

Olivia made a face. "I don't think so." Shredded ice with liquid, sugar colour – or more likely liquid chemicals would not be on the list of things she'd let her son ingest.

Will watched Noah. He was being a little quiet that afternoon – but it was pretty clear he wasn't feeling entirely himself. Olivia had still wanted to take him over to the park and for them to spend some time together. But it was pretty clear to all of them that Noah would be going down for a nap when they got home. Will hoped that there wouldn't be puking up his treat before they got him down.

Puking up milk products didn't sound that tasty to Will – but Noah had contended previously that it was way tastier than other things he'd vomited up in the past. This was his son's life – he'd become an expert on what the good things to puke up were after chemo. Will wasn't really sure how he felt about that – but he sure didn't think he felt good about it.

Noah always liked ice cream in the days following treatment, though, as he dealt with sore throats and chapped lips. They seemed to have an endless supply of strawberry ice cream in their freezer. But on the days they did get him out to the park that summer and fall, they'd gotten into a bit of a habit of offering him the chance at some type of frozen treat.

Will had definitely had to go farther afield in his search for it this afternoon, though, compared to their usual stomping grounds in Central Park. He was actually at the point that he couldn't imagine how they'd be coping with Noah's illness if they didn't live so close to the park to get him out of the house and to spend some family time in a place that felt so normal.

"Grandpa said you think you might still want to Make A Wish, Noah?" Will asked as the boy picked away at his scoop in the bowl.

Noah gave a small nod. "Popa says I should still pick a wish even though they don't grant any good wishes."

Olivia snorted at that and met Will's eyes with a small smile. "I'm sure some of their wishes are pretty good, sweets – even though they don't know how to cure cancer or how to get rid of all the bad guys with guns," she told him.

Noah shrugged. "Those are good wishes."

She nodded and reached to rub his back a bit. "You're right, sweets. Those are really good wishes. They're just way too big for what one wish co-ordinator can do for you."

"She could get other people to help," Noah said quietly and gazed at his ice cream like he was a little sad.

Olivia rubbed at him some more and gave him another smile. "Maybe we should look into other ways for us to help make those wishes come true – like when Daddy runs the triathlon and raises all sorts of money for the leukemia society so they can do research to find a cure and to help families like us? I bet we could find lots of other places and things to do like that – so we can help other little kids' wishes come true some day."

He gazed at his mother a little sadly but gave her another nod.

She gave him a sad smile. "You're a good boy. We're going to do that. Mommy is going to look into it and find a good one for all of us to help with," she told him and pulled at his beanie, bringing it down over his ears more in the chill of the afternoon. "What'd Grandpa help you decide might be a good wish for now, though, sweets?"

"Go swimming in the ocean," Noah said quietly.

Olivia gave him a small smile and glanced at Will. She rubbed at her son's a little bit more as he worked at the sundae. "Back in Florida again?" she asked.

Noah shook his head. "Popa said the beach is much gooder in Hiey."

She looked at Will questioningly and the man looked at the little boy. "Hawaii?" he asked after thinking about it for a moment.

Noah nodded.

Olivia lit up a bit at that idea but then tried to calm herself and looked at Noah. "You want to go to Hawaii?" she asked.

"Popa showed me pictures. It looks good."

She raised her eyebrows at that and glanced at Will again. He shrugged. He had no idea what his father would've shown Noah – and he really doubted that Noah could even pick out Hawaii on a map, let alone have much of a concept of what he was asking.

"What looked so good about it, bud?" Will asked carefully.

Noah looked up at him. "You get to boogie board, Dad!" he said more firmly. "And snorkel and touch real fish – and Popa said you'd have to let me touch fish this time, because they're real and not in an aquarium and it's my wish."

Olivia snorted and looked at Will again. "Ah…" he allowed.

"Popa said they made Jurassic Park there so we can go see the dinosaurs too," Noah stated matter-of-factly.

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow again at that and looked at her son. "Well, I don't know, sweets. We might be able to see mountains and jungles – but dinosaurs are extinct."

"Popa said," he contented.

"Mmm," Will rolled his eyes. "Popa says all sorts of things. Mom and Dad will have to look into it to see if that's true, though. MAYBE," he stressed, "Popa is right. Maybe."

Olivia looked at Noah. "You sure that's what you want us to tell the wish co-ordinator it is that you want to do, Noah? That you can talk to her now and tell her about the things you'd like to do in Hawaii? Because – if you want to, sweetheart, we can go to Florida again – or … whatever you want."

Noah thought about a minute. "An iPad?" he asked.

She looked at him. "We already have an iPad, sweets."

"But you and Daddy put dumb things on it. So then I can have my own iPad and only put good things on it."

Will snorted. "I think maybe you should ask for something a bit more special than an iPad for your wish. But it's up to you, bud. And, really, it's getting towards Christmas. You could ask Santa for an iPad."

Olivia shot his daggers at that. "He can not ask Santa for an iPad for Christmas," she said rather sternly.

Noah glanced at her. "Why not Mommy?"

She sighed and glared at Will for a second more before looking at Noah. "I don't think Santa's workshop makes iPads, sweets. IPads are made at the Apple factory somewhere in California."

"Mooom," Noah whined. "Santa doesn't have a workshop. You're Santa. You just have to buy it."

She looked at him more. "I don't know what you're talking about," she contended.

She'd been wondering if they'd get through this Christmas with Noah believing in Santa. She'd wondered last Christmas too. After everything he'd been through and everything he'd seen in the hospital – she really didn't think she was going to be able to suspend that illusion in front of him for a couple more years. She actually kind of thought he'd just humoured them the previous Christmas because he thought he was supposed to. Being in Grade 1 now and around so many other kids interjecting their opinions into everything wouldn't help either. Though, it made her a little sad that another piece of his childhood was over when she had been hoping they'd get another year or two more of the magic … if he hadn't been sick, maybe they would've.

"You're Santa," he told her again – and Will snorted, only to get more daggers.

"If you don't believe in Santa – he stops coming," Olivia told her son.

He squinted at that and considered it. "But I can still ask for an iPad for Christmas?"

She laughed exasperatedly. "No, Noah. You cannot ask for an iPad for Christmas. That's a very expensive present. Both Mommy and Santa's credit cards don't have enough room on them to afford an iPad right now."

"But it's not Christmas yet. It's Halloween. You don't get presents at Halloween. So you can buy it later."

She eyed him and gave her head a small shake again. "You aren't getting an iPad this Christmas, sweets. Maybe when you're older. But not right now."

He looked a little disappointed – but seemed to consider it some more. "But I can ask for an iPad for Make a Wish?"

She sighed but nodded. "If you want to, sweets. But we have an iPad at home and Mommy and Daddy both have iPhones that you play with – and you have a DS, and we have laptops. I think we have lots of things that are sort of like iPads around. So you might want to think about if you really, really, really want your wish to be an iPad. But if that's what you really, really, really wish for and you think that's going to make it easier for you to get through the rest of your treatment – then that's a really good wish."


	193. Chapter 193

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"So what did they say they wanted for dinner?" May asked as Ted reappeared in the kitchen.

He shrugged at her. "They've got the boy down for a nap – and they've got their door closed. Didn't ask."

May shook her head. "They're sleeping again? They were in bed all morning."

"I don't think they're sleeping," Ted said.

May gaped at him at that. "They aren't …? In our house … ?"

Ted near rolled his eyes at her. "Because Will would be the first of the boys to have a lady friend up in his bedroom?" he asked his wife who was clearly very uncomfortable with the concept of them being up there potentially doing anything other than sleeping. "At least they're grown-ups. You can't say that for times we caught Robbie or Tommy upstairs or in the basement. Your baby boy's almost 40, May – and he is in the bedroom with his WIFE. Leave him be. They aren't doing what you're in a tizzy about anyhow. I could hear them talking."

"Oh," she said and smoothed out a tea towel on the counter, her face seeming to relax. "Well, I'll just go up and knock on the door and ask them myself then."

Ted held up his hand to stop her movement. "May – they've got the door closed. They clearly want some privacy right now."

"I'm just going to ask them what they'd like for dinner, Theodore," she protested.

"Make whatever," he said clearly exasperated. "We don't even know if they're staying."

"It's four in the afternoon, Ted," she spat at him. "They're just going to take a nap and then go on their merry way on empty stomachs? I don't think so."

"I don't think so, is right," Ted mumbled. "No one ever has to worry about an empty stomach in this house."

She whapped him in the chest at that comment. "That's because I've spent my life feeding teenaged boys and firefighters. You all have appetites."

Ted shook his head and rolled his eyes again. "Just leave them be. We'll wait until they come back down – and see what their plans are. We'll just order out tonight. Get some pizza or Chinese."

"Pizza or Chinese?" May asked in disbelief. "I certainly don't think either of them wants to be eating that a week before their wedding. They're going to be watching their figures."

Ted snorted. "Are they expecting some sort of magical transformation in the next week? They both look fine – and both could do with a few extra pounds. Some take out isn't going to hurt either of them."

May glared at him and examined the counter some more. "They just aren't being very good company today. I've hardly seen the either of them," she sighed.

Ted gave her a small and sort of sad smile. "We weren't expecting to see them much at all today, May. We thought they'd be in-and-out to get the boy."

She sighed again. "We just never get to see them enough."

"They're here now," he contended, trying to calm his wife.

But he knew where she was coming from. They saw their other boys, their other daughter-in-laws and their other grandchildren near daily. Will and his family – they likely only saw a couple times a month. But really, as far as Ted could tell they were the ones that needed them the most. Will likely needed them the least in so many ways – but with all that he and his wife had on the go, Ted still felt it was his youngest who needed the time and support of his parents more so than the other older boys. But Willie would be the least likely to ever accept it, unless they twisted his arm. Or his wife got shot, apparently.

She waved her hand at the ceiling. "They're sleeping."

"They're exhausted, May," Ted told her and met her eyes.

They'd had more than their share of chats over the past many weeks about how much their youngest boy and his wife had on their plates at the moment. But Will still kept them so much as arm's length, though he had been letting some of that guard down. Ted actually thought the fact the two of them were there and seemed to just be treating the house as their own space to come-and-go that day – not worrying about sitting and making chit-chat with them - was probably the biggest step they'd made in a while – at least on their own turf. They'd both dropped some of their fronts while they'd been over at their apartment. But Ted almost wondered if that had been temporarily, and maybe moments of weakness, while they all bounced back from the police officer's shooting.

The whole thing had had his wife in a bit more of a tizzy that usual – worrying about Will and about his family, about Olivia and about that little grandson of theirs. Ted didn't think the bigger glimpses they'd had into his son's life had much helped calm May at all. He thought it had made her a little more scared. But as far as he could tell, his youngest son had things very much under-control – in a way he was very proud of. He wasn't sure if his other boys would be handling it all with quite the same amount of poise and maturity as his youngest. Will was proving to be a good husband and a good father in short order – even with a lot less experience than his other boys.

She sighed harder. "Why are they even here? They should've taken their day off and just slept all day at home – not be trucking across creation."

"May – I don't know how many times I have to tell you that the boy lives in Manhattan – not the dark side of the moon. It's a ferry ride away."

"It's so far, Ted."

He shook his head. "May – he is back in the city and he's raising his family here now. He's not going anywhere. He's home."

She looked down. "Well, he can't leave now. Not while Noah is sick. I'd worry so much."

"He's not going anywhere. Do you think Olivia would just walk away from her job? It's not happening, dear. Neither of them would pull Noey out of that hospital and away from his doctors either. Not now. Don't get yourself so worked up about things that just aren't even reality."

May gave him a small smile. "I just wish … they'd taken the day to get some rest. They're so busy and have so much on their plates right now. Poor Olivia …"

"They don't like being away from their boy, May," Ted said. "Would you?"

"No – I wouldn't. And I don't much like being so far away from my grandson while he's sick either."

Ted sighed at her and pushed her shoulder, leading her back into the kitchen and out of the living room from when she'd made her beeline for the stairs. "Com'on, now. Let's not get all worked up. Let's see about making them up a good fire hall dinner so they can take some leftovers home with them. You start in on the salad and I'll work on getting some meatballs going."


	194. Chapter 194

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Com'on. I'm starting to see why Noah wants his own. Let me see it for a minute. You are completely hogging the iPad," Will sighed at her, as he once again put his hand out for it and she once again ignored him.

"You can't hog something that's yours," she told him and kept looking at what she was looking at. "It was given to me."

Will snorted and rolled off his side and onto his back, shaking his head. "Oh, are were playing the what's who's game? I'm glad we're having this conversation now – after we're married but before the wedding? Somehow I thought we were beyond all that."

She glanced at him and gave him a smile. "Not for the good stuff."

"Ah," he said in rolled his eyes. "In that case, you better stop touching MY TV."

She smiled more at that and shrugged. "OK. As long as you stop putting your stinky feet on MY couch."

Will snorted and nodded. "That's fine. I'll just move MY TV down to the basement where I can enjoy it while laying on MY couch."

"Good. You can move MY TV upstairs to the living room while you're at it."

"No problem," Will agreed. "I'll be sure to move around MY surround sound system and MY stereo then too. Get everything in the right place."

"Sure. Just don't touch MY iPod in that move," she shot him a fake glare and then went back to reading the screen. "You can stop touching my body wash too – please."

"Well that's just taking things too far," Will contended and earned a smile from her. "I happen to like your body wash. That other stuff … pft…"

She laughed and slouched down in the bed next to him, setting the iPad next to her and rolling onto her side to stroke his cheek. He gave her those dancing eyes as she did it.

"You like smelling like a fruit?" she teased.

He snorted at her and rolled his eyes. "Do you like me smelling like a fruit?"

She shook her head. "I happen to like when you smell like you, which generally entails you using your own body wash - as a starting point."

He gave her another smile and reached his hand up to still hers against his face and stroked the back of it with his thumb.

They lay like that just looking at each other for a while and Olivia's eyes started to drift shut – ready to take her own afternoon nap for an hour or two. But Will apparently decided he still wanted to chat before claiming a few more winks too.

"I'm thinking about not shaving this week," he said. "Get some facial hair going for the wedding."

She opened her eyes slowly at that and looked at him. "I hope you aren't serious."

He squinted at her questioningly. "Yeah. I'm serious. What's wrong with that?"

She groaned and rolled away from him a bit. "Will – I want you to look like you for the reception too."

He made a face. "I'll look like me – me with facial hair."

She sighed. "Will – it's you. It won't be facial hair in a week. It will be patchy stubble. You'll look like a hobo."

He snorted. "I won't look like a hobo. I'll look more dignified."

She looked him right in the eye at that. "No, Will. You won't. You'll look like someone I'd be picking up off the curb and taking in to the drunk tank."

"You've liked when I've had some facial hair before," he contended.

She rolled her eyes and rolled back on her side to look at him. "No – I haven't, not really. And, I can only think of a handful of times you've had your 'facial hair' in all the years I've known you. When we first met – and you were all stressed out around exams and all the marking or when you were spending days in the lab. And – I'm telling you between the stubble and what you were wearing back then – you looked like a homeless person. You could tell you were a bachelor."

"Aww… you liked it. I saw the way you looked at me," he teased and poked her a bit.

She knew what he was talking about but she shook her head at him. "I ONLY looked at you that way when you were in those cords."

He smiled. "I still have those cords."

"Because you never throw anything out," she informed him. "And, if you ever put them on again now – I would not be looking at you the same way. I'd be waiting for them to go in the hamper so I could transfer them to the trash."

"Aww … that's mean. They have sentimental value."

"They are ratty now, Will. Toss them," she said. "And the other times you've had stubble – when we've been stuck in the hospital for days on end with Noah and when you're sick and in bed moaning about it so much you can't find the time to shave. None of these moments are dignified."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine. I won't grow some facial hair for the wedding."

"Good – because the wedding might've been off if you did. You're an idiot," she said.

"And you're mean," he told her directly.

She shook her head and leaned in to briefly lock their lips. They'd had lots of touch and holding since their talk – but it was the first kiss, though extremely brief. Still there was something slightly comforting and healing about it. If not in the kiss, then in the fact he didn't lean in for more when she broke away. She rested her head against his forehead and closed her eyes again. His hand moved up to her bicep but apparently he still wasn't done talking.

"We could get him an iPad for Christmas, you know?" Will stated.

She let out a slow breath. "Are you trying to stress me out?" she asked.

"No. I just mean … why not?"

She sighed. "Lots of reasons, Will. This isn't parental rocket science."

She opened her eyes again and moved away from him slightly so she wouldn't go cross-eyed looking at him.

"To start – they're expensive," she said.

"We could get him one of the new Minis. They're cheaper," he suggested.

"How much?"

"I don't know. I think around $300-ish."

She rolled on to her back and rubbed at her temples and then glanced over at him.

"OK – and last Christmas, I think we spent about $250 total on him – and that was Santa, gifts and stocking. He's too little, Will. We may be educating him on the value of money but he's not going to … get why he's only getting one gift at Christmas this year, if we did that for him. He's going to want other things – need them. There's Lego sets he wants – and we can't really get away with $25 sets with him anymore. He could use some new clothes. There's those action figures he's been talking about. Movies.

"Then – if we get beyond all that, I just don't like the idea of him having an iPad of his own that much. I see how he gets when he's absorbed in games on the thing or on his DS. He's a glassy-eyed zombie. I want to still be able to regulate that. I don't want him having it off in his room or the basement just … turning into a vegetable. I don't really like the idea of him being able to hop onto the internet whenever he wants either. He's six, Will."

"We could regulate that. Parental controls. Passwords for the network," Will said.

She sighed again and shook her head. "I just want him to be a little boy for a couple more years. Let's get him to … at least 10 and then we can talk about buying him iPods or iPads or videogame systems. I want a few more years where he likes playing with his Legos and playing action figures with his Dad and leaving Hot Wheels over the house and wanting to do crafts with me and wanting to be read to –where we can sit and watch family movies as a family. I don't want … him off living in his own little connected world and sitting on the couch. We have an iPad – he gets to play with it at the hospital and some evenings. We got him the DS for the doctor's and on transit. I think he's good for now. I really do. The kids at school are corrupting him enough. This fucking illness is robbing enough of his childhood. Let's not contribute to it ourselves."

Will sighed but nodded. "OK. Yeah. You're right. I just thought it sounded … like an easy gift. So we didn't have to go across creation with the shopping this year."

She put her forehead back against his. "We didn't go across creation. We came to the Target over here and went to the toy store after work. It was fine. But I don't even want to think about Christmas right now. It's still two months away. Let's just get through the wedding. Get him through a couple more treatments. I think he's going to likely be in for another puncture right around Christmas anyway based on the timings we've been told – and if this rebound is any indication, it's going to be even quieter this year than last year for us."

He sighed at that and rubbed at her bicep more before pushing his hand under her arm and clutching at her back a bit in a half-hug. "It's going to be OK," he told her.

She shrugged. "I know. It always is. More or less."

He let out a slow breath. "So are you going to show me what you were looking at on the iPad at least?"

She smiled at that and rolled back onto her back, resting her head against his shoulder and grabbing the tablet to hold a bit above them to gaze at.

"I was just looking at the Disney resort over there," she told him and reactivated the screen.

Will looked up at it and then reached to take it from her hands. She finally let him and he took it and brought it down to his chest to look at. "Looks good?" he asked.

"It looks amazing," she told him and rolled back onto her side and gripped around his chest to watch as he explored the site. "Beach front. It looks like their pool is almost a whole water park. Surfing. Boogie boards. Snorkeling. Tonnes of free activities for the kids. He can meet Stitch."

Will snorted at that and looked down at her, reaching with his one hand and rubbing her back a bit. "You sound pretty excited about it. A lot more excited than you did about Florida."

"Mmm," she said and rubbed her cheek against his chest. "After experiencing what it's like to spend a week on a beach – what I would give to be doing that right now. But Noah will love it. He was so at home playing in the surf and the sand down there. It was really special, Will. And this looks even more spectacular."

He smiled and caressed her shoulder again because moving his hand back to navigate around the site a bit more. She saw his face settling into a small smile as he read the various descriptions and looked at some of the pictures.

"I was trying to figure out if they'd put us up in the hotel rooms or one of the timeshares," she mumbled at him.

Will shrugged a bit. "It's probably a popular wish. I'd guess that the foundation owns a couple of the timeshares."

"Well, they look fantastic. Not that the hotel rooms don't. But there's Jacuzzi tubs and a full kitchen in the timeshares. Sounds like we could just move in."

He snorted and gazed at her again. "You already sound like you don't want to leave."

"They have dolphin watching tours and whale watching and shark watching. Noah will lose his mind if we get to see a shark. He was so disappointed we didn't see a shark in Florida."

"I was not disappointed we didn't see a shark in Florida. And I'm not sure I want to see one in Hawaii," Will said.

She stifled a laugh against his shoulder. "I don't think they take you out looking for Great Whites, Will," she said.

He shrugged like he didn't care.

"It looked like your Dad might be right about the Jurassic Park thing. There's some ranch where they shoot movies and TV shows. On their site it made it sound like some of the Jurassic Park set is still there," she told him.

Will nodded. "I figured he might be right. Mom and Dad went out there for their anniversary … I don't know. A decade ago? So they'll be full of dated information they want to share."

Olivia snorted at that. "Fantastic. It sounds like there's lots to do on the Island, though."

Will nodded again. "Yeah. But it sounds like there's lots to do at the resort too. And, if Florida is any indication – you and Noah will just live at the beach the whole time, if I let you. Browning while I burn."

She put a small kiss on his shoulder. "You make a cute lobster."

"Ah. So red and peeling is cute? But stubble makes a hobo?"

She smiled against him some more. "I hope he sticks with this idea – that he'll be able to verbalize some things he wants to do there when we have another meeting with the co-ordinator."

Will stroked at her hair and smiled at her. "He will. She presented a trip as an option to us already. We'll talk to him about some of the things he can see and do there. He'll be able to verbalize it as his wish. He did with us – swim in the ocean, boogie board, snorkel, Jurassic Park. That's all they're looking for. More than enough."

She nodded. "I hope so."

"He loved swimming in the ocean, Liv. Playing in the sand. It's a good wish."

She rubbed her cheek against his him some more. "I just hope your Dad … or me … or us … don't project on him too much. I want it to be something he wants to do."

Will smiled. "It will be, Liv. Looking at this – I am seeing things that will blow his mind. Making space goo, surfing lessons, star gazing, the water slides. There's lots to do. He'll have a blast."

She nodded and watched him look around the site some more. "I was playing around with it a bit," she told him. "It looks like if it was booked with a vacation charter company – we could get a package that would land well below that max limit they target for per person on the trips that she quoted at us. Do you think that means we get some sort of per diem for food or some activities?"

Will shrugged. "I'm not really sure, Liv. We'll have to ask her. But I got the sense that they give you that budget more if they can't get cash or in-kind donations. I think since they deal with Disney and it's a Disney property – it will be a different scenario. We wouldn't be looking at cash as much. They'll likely be looking to get a flight donated. Maybe a rental car. And then they'll likely hit up either my work or yours to cover off a couple of Noah's top choice activities. I don't know how they'd swing it with food. Maybe Disney coughs that up too for dining on-site. Or isn't Mount Sinai kind of an automatic sponsor since they put him forward as one of their kids? Maybe they'll be covering off some stuff. I don't know. I was reading stories from families that have done a wish, though. It sounds like a lot of them take the wish as a base and then extend the vacation on their own or add on some extras. So we'll just do that. They'll get us out there and put us up. Let Noah pick something special to do. That's the expensive part. We can manage the rest."

She nodded. "Yeah," she said quietly.

He rubbed at her back again. "Not a lot. We won't blow the bank. That's not the point of a wish. Don't worry."

She sighed. "I know. Money just feels tight right now."

He leaned over and put a kiss on her forehead. "Only because you're home and opening all the bills as soon as they get to the door and are bored and finding things to stress about. We're doing fine, Liv. It's OK."

She nodded but she didn't much seem to believe it.

"Com'on," Will encouraged. "I'll be getting a couple extra cheques soon for that textbook's royalties and my paper's publication. You'll be back to work in a couple weeks hopefully and off disability pay."

"But still on comp care pay," she mumbled.

He griped at her shoulder. "You being there with Noah is so much more important than that pay hit, Liv. We both know that. It's still the right decision – and you're going to hold onto that contract as long as you can. Hopefully right through his entire treatment – and we are going to take advantage of what that means."

"I know …" she mumbled again. "It just sounded like they try to get you out on the wish as quickly as possible – and it just kind of feels like so much is going on right now and we have so many extra expenses."

He caressed her shoulder. "One – they aren't going to be able to send us out on a trip right away. Noah just had treatment – and you're clearly listed as one of his escorts. Your doctor isn't going to let you get on a plane for at least another month. And, I'm going to do my best to neogiate something with them that will match up with some of the university holidays too. So … we're going to buy ourselves some time. Get some more bills cleared. It's going to be fine. Wishes aren't supposed to cost us anything – unless we want to spend something. They'll have the basics covered for us. Keep being excited. Don't get stressed."

She gave a small nod but remained silent. The enthusiasm and smiles he'd seen there before seemed to be quickly fading.

He sighed and caressed his thumb across her forehead. "OK, babe, go to sleep. You're too tired and you're getting all melancholy on me."

She gave him a small smile at that, though. "I was trying to sleep. You kept talking."

"I'm going to shut up in a minute now. Just tell me what you're thinking. Are we staying for dinner? Staying the night? I heard Dad, I think, loitering outside the door a while ago – and now I think I smell pasta sauce in the works. They're going to want to know what we're up to."

She sighed a little and closed her eyes, snuggling her cheek further into his shoulder. "I'm too tired to move. Let's just stay here."

He stroked the back of her head. "You sure? What time are you supposed to be meeting Elliot and picking up the dress tomorrow?"

"Hmm, 11. I'll call El later. I'll make him come over here and get me," she mumbled, sounding like she was already about halfway to sleep.

"He'll be OK with that?" Will asked.

"Hmm … I don't know if he'll be OK with it, but he'll do it," she stated flatly. "Shut up, Will. Put the iPad away. Lay down with me a while."

He smiled at her and reached out to put the tablet on the bedside table – and then watched her. He was pretty sure she was out already. Her breathing had quieted even more and she seemed that much stiller. He stroked at her hair a little bit more before moving his hand down to rest down on her back and then let his own eyes drift shut too. He knew he was going to wake up with an arm that was asleep again – but his wife asleep against him was worth it.


	195. Chapter 195

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Can I be excused?" Noah asked so quietly at the kitchen table.

Olivia looked over at him and then down at his plate. He'd been pushing his food around the oversized meal plate but he'd hardly touched anything. She sighed a little at him and smoothed down his tuffy hair, before running the back of her hand down his cheek and checking its temperature. She then placed her palm against his forehead. He didn't feel hot or clammy. But he looked paler than usual and he really hadn't been acting like himself at all that day.

Noah really hadn't been acting like himself since the intrathecal chemotherapy. She almost felt like they were back to those weeks and weeks while he was doing his consolidation treatment. Only they weren't in the hospital for the support and the aid if something went wrong this time. The hospital and his doctor seemed to feel he was doing well enough for him to be released. But she wasn't so sure. It'd been a long couple days and he sure didn't seem to be showing much of a bounce yet. So they were just trying to gently navigate him through it. She hated the concept that this treatment was going to be part of his cycles from there forward. The rebound seemed brutal – on her little boy and on them.

She was actually cursing herself for leaving Noah alone the night before so her and Will could go to their little nights out. She was likely cursing herself more that she'd let his parents really see how bad Noah could be in the 10 days or so after one of his treatments that went beyond his daily oral doses. Though, this was a lot worse than they'd been dealing with just on the IV for the past several months. She wished she felt a little more energetic so they could just go home – back to their private world, their own environment, Noah's own bed. Maybe they should just suck it up and get a cab.

"You've hardly touched your dinner, sweets," she said quietly. She could feel May and Ted watching and Will hovering from his own chair on their side of the table. She used her fork to roll one of the meatballs out of the pile of spaghetti and closer to her little boy. "Will you try to eat one of Popa's meatballs?"

Noah shook his head. "I don't feel good, Mommy," he whined and hung his head a bit.

She stroked at his fuzzy head a bit more. The new chemo drug was making it fall out quickly again. There was hardly any left at that point beyond a sprinkling of fine, white strands, that she knew would likely be gone within the next week or so too. What had grown back of his eyebrows were gone again too – making his tired, sunken eyes without their eye lashes look that much sicker.

"How about you finish up that piece of garlic toast?" she suggested. "Just a few more bites?"

The only thing she'd seen Noah eat that day was the ice cream and he hadn't even finished his scoop – not to mention he hadn't fussed about wanting to try her or Will's either. He'd even spit out the strawberry bits in his ice cream and just let the treat melt in his mouth instead. Really, the only solid food she'd seen him eat was the cherry on top of the sundae and the couple bites he'd taken of the slice of garlic bread she'd put on his plate.

May had already reported that Noah hadn't eaten for them either. Anyone not eating was a source of stress for May. She was of that European mentality – "Eat, eat, eat". She should've been an Italian grandmother. But Noah not eating seemed to up her stress more than anyone else turning down what she put in front of them. She'd been rather distraught about the boy's eating habits while her and Ted had taken on some of his care while Olivia had been in the hospital too.

"It hurts, Mom," he said quietly.

She nodded at that. Noah had been complaining about a sore throat since the treatment and he had some visible mouth sores and bleeding gums. The amount of vomiting he was doing wasn't helping any of that. His lips looked a little chapped that day too, though not as bad as she'd sometimes seen them.

"OK, sweets," Olivia agreed. "Do you want some ice chips?"

She wished that May and Ted had some popsicles or ice cream or … something, she could offer her son instead. But she supposed her and Will maybe should've done a better job at preparing them or letting them know what Noah needed. They'd only expected him to be there the one night, though. From after-school until the following early-afternoon. They weren't expecting to be there for a couple days.

Noah shook his head again.

She gave him a small smile and stroked at his head some more. "OK. Why don't you go lay on the couch in the living room for a bit? And after Mommy and Daddy are done with their dinner, we'll go watch a movie in the basement or go read upstairs?"

Her son gave no response but slipped off his chair and padded into the living room. She watched over her shoulder as he sat on the couch and then slowly lay down. He looked so sad. As she turned back to the table, she again could see May and Ted watching, but just glanced at Will – briefly meeting his eyes – before she looked back down at her plate, and tried to force herself to eat a bit more of the meal.

No one said anything for a few minutes. But Olivia was acutely aware that it was just her and Will's utensils that were making scraping sounds on their plates, while his parents watched them. They both seemed to be doing their best to avoid eye contact. She really just wanted to get through her plate and then take her son and disappear upstairs again – avoiding any sort of discussion about this. She so didn't feel up to having a chat about the health of her son with Will's parents.

"You know your mother and I have been talking," Ted interjected after a bit, though he seemed to be directing the attempt at conversation at Will.

Olivia could feel Will stiffen with it and his fork hover above his plate like he was waiting for some sort of wrath to fall on him. She knew from Will's stories that it was often dinnertime chats that the hammer of discipline was dropped on him growing up. Eating dinner at the table together – and talking about their respective days, was an expectation when he was a boy. Even if they weren't hungry or they'd done something and wanted to avoid their father – they still had to sit there under their parents' watchful eyes and wait for whatever wisdom or punishment their father had to bestow on them. Also being a proponent of them all eating at the table together, Olivia could see some aspects of the parental genius in their methods. But she also knew that it meant that Will never did any of his discipline with Noah at the table – and he still was leery about kitchen table dinner time at his parents' house.

"We've been thinking that it might be nice – helpful – if we came into the city once a week," Ted said flatly. "We could do some groceries and errands for you with the car. Some chores around the apartment for you – put in a couple loads of laundry, run the vacuum around. Pick up Noah from school for you that afternoon. Get some dinner started."

Will shook his head. "We're fine, Dad," he said quietly. "Thanks, though."

Olivia glanced at him. She was used to letting Will taking the lead in conversations with his parents – especially when it was on topics she didn't much want to participate in. It kept her from saying something she didn't mean and from having to navigate the minefield that was Will's relationship with his family. But usually they didn't have them both trapped in the middle of dinner when they tried to force something on them. She knew that if she stood from the table and left the room, it would be seen about the epitome of rudeness in the eyes of both his parents – and she didn't much want to do that a week before the wedding. But she also didn't much want to participate in this. So she took a growing interest in what was left of the salad on her plate.

"Olivia – you're likely just going to be so tired for that first while after you get back to work," May seemed to try with her instead.

She let out a sigh and speared some more greens onto her fork, not making the eye contact. "I'll be fine, May. But thank you for the thought," she said, trying to mirror Will's language in the attempts to shut them down.

"Now – I know that you're more than capable of managing your home and your family but …"

Olivia met her eyes firmly and gave a curt nod. "I am," she said sternly, again trying to stop it.

May looked a little taken back by the intensity of the glare she'd put across the table and reached out to smooth the fabric placemat around her plate, seeming to collect herself before moving forward again.

"I know you all eat very differently than us – but you could leave a list and we'd be happy to take the car out and pick up whatever you say. Or you could email it to us and we could pick it up before coming over," she suggested.

Olivia saw Will look up at the ceiling and then heard him put his fork down.

"Mom – we are perfectly capable of picking up our necessities on the way home from work. And, we have our grocery day. We don't need someone with a car to help us. We like … managing our own food and our own diet. We know what … we all need," Will said with a firmness that Olivia rarely heard him use with his parents.

"Oh, we know you are, Will," May tried again. "But letting us help – even just one day a week – it'd give you that much more time with Noah."

Will rubbed at his temple. "We spend lots of time with Noah, Mom," he sighed. "We're fine."

"William," Ted said a bit more sternly, obviously not much liking the tone Will was using with his mother. "We just don't feel that either of you have been being completely honest with us about the extent of Noey's illness."

Olivia's head snapped up at that but Will held up his hand at her before she could blurt something out that they'd likely all regret. She stopped herself but she could feel the tension building in her chest and how much she was fuming in her core.

"Dad – we have been completely honest with you about Noah – since the beginning," Will said even more firmly. "We give you near constant updates on how he's doing. We keep you updated on what his treatment is. We tell you when he will be in the hospital – and we appreciate your visits when he is. You know he's sick. You know he has leukemia. So I don't even know what you're talking about. But you even … suggesting … that we aren't being honest with you about him. It .. hurts … and, I think I speak for both of us when I say, it pisses us off. So – let's drop it, and not have this conversation a week before the wedding."

"You haven't told us how sick he is after his chemo," Ted pushed.

Will clutched his hands into fists at that and Olivia reached out and touched his shoulder.

"Ted …" she started.

But Will again held up his hand. "No …", he said. "Just …"

She gave him a small nod. He didn't want her to dig a hole for herself with his parents. Will felt that he understood the dynamic of dealing with them better than her since he'd spent his life dealing with them. But sometimes she really did feel she might be better equipped to navigate, or at least moderate, their discussions.

"Dad – you both know that chemotherapy makes people sick. None of Noah's side effects are abnormal. He's sick after chemo. We've told you that," Will sighed out forcibly.

"Well, being told and seeing it are two different things," Ted said sternly.

"Ted, we really do have everything under control," Olivia said. "I know since you and May aren't used to it – last night and today might've seemed a little … scary … but this is very normal."

He met her eyes and they held them in a dim glare of trying to get the other to budge or drop it for several seconds. But it was Olivia who won and Ted sighed and looked at his plate for a moment – clenching his fists on either side of it in a very similar manner to what Will was doing.

"OK – let's take Noey's illness off the table for a minute," he said. "Let's just put it this way – we'd like to spend more time with our grandson."

"You get to spend lots of time with Noah," Will mumbled.

"Not compared to our other grandkids, Willie," Ted said sternly. "And, we'd like the chance to see more of him and spend more time with the boy."

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow at that. "Ted – we get out here as much as possible. It's a long ride – especially when Noah's sick. And, I'm sorry, but we … really like to have some weekends to ourselves too – to have our own family time. We do our best to get out here at least once or twice a month."

"Oh … it's not enough," May said sadly.

Will looked at her somewhat harshly. "It's lots, Mom. We talk to you almost every night. I send you pictures. We get you on Skype with him. You have lots of contact with us – and with Noah."

"You didn't let us come to his first baseball game," Ted interjected at that.

Will again let out a clearly angry sigh at that and looked at the ceiling again. He didn't want to have this conversation again. "It was Tball, Dad. Tball – not baseball."

"It was his first ball game," Ted said harshly. "And, we didn't get to be there. I've been at all the other kids first sports matches."

Will looked at him. "OK. I've already apologized for that, Dad. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd want to come into the city on a week night to watch some five and six year olds try to hit a ball off a stick."

"I would've loved to be there," Ted said sternly and glared at his son.

"OK. I understand that now. I've understood that repeatedly since you've said it to me time and time again all summer. I'm sorry you missed Noah's first Tball game. OK?"

"Well – it's not just that. We didn't get to be there for his first day of Kindergarten or Grade 1 either. We walked all the other kids to their first days."

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow. "Well, I don't think we realized that was something you wanted to be there for," she said. "Or to deal with the traffic into the city to walk him a few blocks …"

"Oh … we would've loved to be there for Noah," May sighed out. She sounded like she was near tears.

"Look – you guys doing that with Rob and Tom's kids is fine. But – I'm not Rob and Tom – and we live in the city."

"Maybe now that you have a family, son – and Noah's started school, you should consider getting out of Manhattan," Ted said.

Will hit the table with his fists at that. Olivia reached out and rubbed his shoulder.

"Ted … May … we aren't moving out here. Being close to the precinct is important to me. Being close to Noah's hospital is important to our family. Will likes being an easy commute to work – it means we are able to spend more time as a family. Noah's at a good school. We like our apartment. We like living near the parks. Will and I like living in Manhattan," she stressed. "It's our home. We're fine there – and it's going to be where we raise Noah. We have talked about other options – and Will and I, both firmly believe that living in the city is the best choice for us and our family. It is how we want to live and how we want to raise our family. That's not going to change in the foreseeable future. It's not up for discussion."

"We just …" Ted started but then a sound came from the living room.

It was clear that Noah was throwing up – and Olivia glanced at them briefly and stood from the table immediately, heading to her son's side.

Will glared at his parents but followed after her. She was crouched in front of Noah already by the time he got there.

"Oh, sweets," she said and was rubbing at the side of his head. Noah was teary.

It had been a significant amount of vomit. Sometimes Will didn't know where it all came from. But Noah had managed to get it all over himself, the side of one of the couch cushions and the carpeting on the floor. By the looks of it he'd also lost control of his bladder and he had a big wet spot on his pants.

Will sighed and stepped back into the kitchen, going to the counter and grabbing the roll of paper towels and pulling the cupboard under the sink to grab an empty trash bag.

"You're likely going to want to get out the stain remover or something," he mumbled at his parents and then headed back out to the living room.

At that point Olivia had her son's shirt pulled off and was looking at the puncture in his back.

"Does it look OK?" Will asked as he got down on his knees and started working at sopping up some of the puke out of the carpet.

She shrugged. "I don't know. To me it does. Does it hurt, sweets?"

He nodded. "My head aches so much, Mommy," he blubbered through his watering eyes.

She rubbed at his shoulder and put her hand up on his cheek and forehead again. "He doesn't feel feverish," she said.

"Maybe it's a fluid leak," Will said. "They said that causes the bad headaches – the vomiting."

She shook her head and shrugged again.

"Do you want me to call Tom or Karen and get them to come and take a look at it?" he asked quietly. He could see his parents were hovering in the doorway of the kitchen now – watching them with even more concern than before. "Or we could just go home – take him into the hospital," he said even more quietly.

Olivia shook her head. "Maybe if he's got a fever. He has his follow-up Monday. They said to just … keep him laying flat if he had headaches."

Will tossed some more of the paper towels into the garbage bag. They weren't doing the best job. Getting some towels and just collecting it up and then throwing them in the wash would likely be better. He was feeling thankful that their whole apartment was hardwood floors and tiling. It made clean up easier.

"They're likely going to want to do that blood patch thing," Will said to her.

She shook her head harder at that. "I'm not letting them shove another needle into his spine right now unless it's absolutely necessary."

"If it helps …" Will said.

She shot him a look. "NO," she said sternly.

Will sighed and tossed some more paper towels into the bag and reached to start to try to soak up some of the mess on the edge of the cushion.

Olivia wiped at Noah's eyes with the back of her hand. "It's OK, sweetheart," she said. "We're going to get you all cleaned up."

She got him to stand up and unbuttoned his wet jeans and pulled them and his underwear down and off him.

"It's even all over his socks," she mumbled a bit at Will, as Noah held onto her shoulder while she shucked them off, tossing all the dirty clothes into a pile.

"Here, let me take that down to the laundry for you," May offered and stepped into the living room.

But Olivia just glanced at her and didn't say a thing. She instead pulled her son against her – almost like May had never seen a naked little boy, which the whole room knew wasn't true. Will was actually fairly certain that his mother had already seen Noah naked – but he let Olivia handle it the way she wanted, which seemed to be the silent treatment and get out of the room as quickly as possible. Will knew she was likely feeling even more exposed than he – or likely Noah – was at the moment with their son being sick in his parents' living room.

Olivia clutched Noah against her and stood up, grabbing one of the blankets off the back of the couch and draping it over her boy's shoulders to cover him and keep him warm.

"Let's go check your temperature, sweets, and then get you in the tub, OK? Then I think it's bedtime," she said to her son and headed for the stairs. "Get you some ice chips for your sore throat and an ice pack for your head."

May seemed to watch her leave a little sadly but then came the rest of the way into the living room and stood near Will, giving him a rather pathetic look. He tried to ignore it. He understood his parents were concerned but he just didn't feel like being the one comforting them at the moment.

"I can put his clothes in the washer for you," May offered again.

"Yeah, sure," Will mumbled and picked up the mass of cloth, urine and vomit and held it out to her.

She gave him another sad look but headed towards the basement. He heard his father sigh and then the man came closer to him, joining him on the floor and taking his own handful of paper towels to start sopping at the carpeting more.

"We just didn't realize how sick Noey is after chemo, William," he said while he did, not making eye contact.

"He's not usually this bad," Will said quietly. "Not anymore. It's the new therapy."

Ted gave a small nod. "We're just worried about you all. Noey sick. Olivia's recovery. It's a lot for one man to take on."

"I don't do it all myself, Dad," Will said and tossed another glob of soaked towels into the bag. "Olivia more than helps. It's her Noah wants when he's not feeling well."

"Well that's hard too for her with how she's feeling right now, I'm sure," Ted added. "And – this is a bigger job than two people anyhow. Your mother and I just want to help. We want to be a part of all your lives – not just Noey. But we sure want to be there for you while you're getting Noey through this."

Will gave no response and just kept working at the job at hand.

Ted sighed and took the clumped paper towels from his son's hand. Will shot him daggers at the movement.

"Just think about it, son," he said. "Our offer. Once a week. We won't try to reorganize your lives – just try to lighten the load a bit."

"We're fine, Dad," Will said again.

Ted shook his head. "You've been telling us that since you were a little boy, William. You think it's what we want to hear from you. But it's not – and you aren't fine right now. None of you are."

"We're fine, Dad," he said even more sternly.

Ted sighed and looked back down at the mess. "Go be with your wife and son," he said. "I'll get this cleaned up."

Will looked at him – his aging father, who was trying so hard to be more of a father to him than maybe he ever had been when Will was growing up. He sighed, though, and got to his feet and headed upstairs to find his own son. He wasn't going to make the same mistakes with Noah as his dad had made with him. Or at least that's what he told himself. And, he also didn't think he was quite ready to make ultimate peace with his dad or to let his parents into his life quite that much. He didn't think Olivia was either. They'd let them in a lot lately – but letting them in with Noah and his illness? That was a whole different ballgame.


	196. Chapter 196

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"You're quiet today," Elliot commented as she picked at the salad in the place they'd stopped at for lunch. But she just shrugged at him and offered no response.

"You stressing about the dress?" he asked. "He's going to love the dress. You look great in the dress."

She had kept looking at herself in the mirror after she'd tried on the fitted dress to make sure everything was sitting the way she wanted to – especially with some of the body changes that had happened since the shooting. Thankfully everything still fit basically the way it was supposed to, if not quite how she remembered it. Of course, when she'd picked the dress, though, it hadn't been adjusted for her. The material was hugging at her frame in a different way than the demo dress that had been in the shop.

She'd actually ended up standing and looking at herself in the mirror for quite a while – longer than she wanted to admit – long enough that she was expecting that soon the customer service clerk was going to be pounding on the dressing room door to make sure she was alright. She'd already had to call out a couple reassurances that she was fine.

It wasn't until Elliot ventured into the fitting area and asked through the door if she was OK, that she worked up the courage to step out and show it off. It felt a little strange to be standing in front of him like that. But he'd glowed at her, which she thought made it feel a little more strange. Having a man as her maid of honour felt a little odd enough – but the way Elliot seemed to be really trying to fulfill that role had taken her a bit off guard. She wasn't sure she'd much expected that from him. She'd mostly expected him to show up on the day and stand next to her. He seemed genuinely happy for her, though, which maybe she hadn't really expected either. He'd given her such a hard time about Will in the early days of their friendship. He had done his best to scare off or screw up some of her previous relationships sticking his nose into things that weren't his business. He took protective older brother to a bit of an extreme. She was a grown woman – and he was just her partner, her friend – and she found it a little much. She couldn't imagine how his daughters coped with him. He likely drove them a little nuts. She actually knew he did. But she had to give him that he'd really been trying with her during all of this – and he had been someone she'd turned to for some support in it too – both in taking the plunge initially and no losing it now.

She was actually a little concerned that she'd found it so awkward to stand in front of Elliot in the stress – him smiling at her and making encouraging little comments (which wasn't something he was very good at – but he tried). If she felt that awkward just in front of El, how was she going to fare in front of a group of people? She wasn't a big fan of being under the microscope or people making a big deal of her or things in her life. She really just kind of wanted to breeze through this. She was looking forward to having a special day with Will and Noah – and she was glad to be able to include his family in the moment and to make it official with her friends and colleagues as well. But it still felt strange – and she felt more than a little nervous about it as the day got closer and closer.

She allowed Elliot a small smile, though. "Some how hearing that out of your mouth just feels so wrong," she said.

"Isn't complimenting you on the dress one of my jobs as the maid of honour?" Elliot teased.

She allowed another thin smile at that and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, again feeling a little self-conscious. "I don't know, El. Is it?"

He shrugged. "Thought so. But I'm no expert on this maid of honour thing."

She snorted again at that. "No kidding."

"I know one thing I've got to do," he commented, though after taking another bite of his burger. "Need to get my little speech all in order."

She gazed at him at that and shook her head. "What are you talking about? We aren't doing speeches."

Her and Will had specifically decided they didn't want the dinner to be formal. Really how much could a barbeque be formal? They wanted their guests to be able to eat and chat. Her and Will were going to say a couple words and then they'd get the music going so people could dance, chat or leave. They didn't want one of these drag on forever receptions where speeches kept guests stuck there and at the table for hours after they were even interested in being there.

Elliot looked back down at his plate, apparently realizing he'd spoken out of step. "You might be wrong there," he muttered.

She rubbed at her eyebrow. "Why do I feel like my reception is being hijacked?"

He gave her a smile. "I don't think it's going to be quite that bad. But com'on. Give me some material – or else I'm just going to have to blab about you and tell all sorts of embarrassing stories, and I know how you feel about that."

She rolled her eyes. There was another reason why she didn't want some sort of standardize reception of people waxing poetic about the bride and groom's lives. She really didn't want to be embarrassed – and she knew El would have lots of material, not to mention all the other guys, if they wanted. She knew Munch and Fin could embarrass her just as badly, probably with less effort than El. Them just talking would likely do it. So they better not be. She was going to be embarrassed enough during the entire afternoon without Elliot getting a moment to shove the spotlight even more onto her than it already would be.

"I don't think I want to give you any material. I'd prefer if you kept your ass in your chair and didn't speak," she told him.

"Rob's talking for Will. It's going to look awfully lopsided if no one stands up for you," Elliot informed her.

"I think I'm OK with that," she said.

He shook his head. "I'm not. So give me some material about you and Will."

She shrugged. "You know lots about me and Will."

"Nah. I know the spousal ranting - and it took you a while to settle into that. I missed all the mushy details of the beginning. So fill me in."

She rolled her eyes some more. "There aren't any mushy details. I don't do mushy."

The evolution of her and Will's relationship was far from mushy. It was gradual. It was boring. No one needed to know exactly how gradual and boring it was. They were neighbours who became friends who became something more. As far as she was concerned, that's really all there was to it. It wasn't a magical love story. It was happenstance and pretty mundanely boring real life.

They courted at coffee shops and swimming pools. Him calling her to see if she was still out and if she could grab something from the bottega on the way home so he wouldn't have to go out again. Her calling him to see if he could watched Noah when she was called out to a case in the middle of the night. It was shared meals and watching basketball games on TV. Weekend walks. Late night chats when neither of them thought they'd sleep from their own separate reasons for insomnia. It was months and years of unresolved sexual tension while they were already spending more time together than what most couples likely would.

The marriage was just an excuse to legitimize spending grotesque amounts of time with her best friend and having someone to raise her son with. It was what they were already doing anyway – for years before they tied the knot. She didn't think it needed to be that big of deal or turned into some sort of magical romance. They weren't romantic. They just … were.

"Not love at first sight?" Elliot teased. "At least not for you. Will? Probably."

She rubbed at her eyebrow and offered no response to that. She didn't want to dig a hole for either of them. She knew Will had feelings for her a lot more quickly than she did for him. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in him. He was an attractive, single man, who was clearly intelligent. He was fun to spend time with. He was interesting and challenging to talk to. They shared some similar interests while still being so vastly different. They balanced each other well. But it definitely hadn't be love at first sight – not for her.

"Tell me about the tattoos," Elliot said when she still hadn't provided any sort of reaction.

She squinted at him at that and put some more of her food into her mouth and shrugged. "What about them?"

"The guy is covered in tattoos," he stated flatly.

"So?"

"That attractive?" he asked a little teasingly.

They'd had enough discussions about tattoos over the years that Elliot knew she wasn't really a fan. She just thought of it was a form of self-mutilation. Maybe a harmless one – to a point. But still self-mutilation.

Elliot had always been a little offended since he had his own tattoos. But she'd always pointed out that he was opposed to any of his kids – or rather his daughters – getting tattoos. He shouldn't be that offended. He clearly wasn't that excited about his girls potentially marking themselves with something they'd be pretty much stuck with for life.

He usually argued back that it wasn't much different than her having her ears pierced. She disagreed with him there. But she disagreed with him on a lot of things regularly. Her ears, though, could heal and shut if she didn't put in ear rings on occasion. Not to mention, piercing could definitely be taken to the extreme and quickly become self-mutilation too. She actually thought she probably would've been a little put off if Will had had any piercings. She'd managed to learn to love his tattoos – to find them rather attractive on him. She didn't think she would've felt quite the same way had she'd been surprised with metal sticking out of various parts of his body instead of ink being all over it.

She snorted at Elliot's comment though. "I don't know. It was part of the package. There wasn't much I could do about them. They were there when I met him."

"All of them?"

She glanced at him again from her meal. She wasn't sure she much liked his line of questioning. Somehow Will's tattoos – even though they were on visual display sometimes – seemed deeply private. Talking about them in too much depth seemed like a bit of a betrayal. In a way, she thought maybe she felt a little special that she knew what each of them represented to her husband and when he'd gotten them and why he'd gone and done it each time.

"He's added a few since I've known him," she allowed flatly, though. "He's talking about another one."

"What'd he add?"

"He got the band here," she tapped above her one elbow, "a year or so after I knew him. And he got the two on his inner wrists after Noah got sick."

"What's he want to get?"

She just shrugged. She didn't want to talk about it either. It was another deeply personal tattoo. It'd be something for them to know, if he did go ahead and get it. She had mixed feelings about if she even thought he should.

Elliot eyed her mischievously though. "He wants to get some sort of couples tattoo doesn't he?"

She glanced at him again and offered him another shrug. "Maybe. But that's separate from the one he's talking about right now."

Will had broached the topic of wanting to get a couples tattoo, though. He'd showed her some various pictures of possible options. He's talked about possible spots they could do it in. He'd indicated he thought it would be special and something that they could share – a more permanent attachment. He seemed to think it would mean even more to him than the wedding bands. It wasn't something that could just be taken off or removed from their bodies. He'd hinted that he thought it could be pretty sexy too. But Olivia just wasn't sure she wanted to deviate from her self-mutilation stance, even if it was small and it was for Will and to represent their union. She thought there were lots of other ways to immortalize that without printing it on her body.

Elliot smiled and chewed on one of his fries. "So are you going to do it?"

She just shrugged again. "I don't know. It's not really my thing. He hasn't convinced me yet. It'd have to be small and inconspicuous for me to agree."

"Benson getting inked," Elliot teased again.

"Maybe. He hasn't shown me anything that has sold me on it yet."

But he had shown her some that had caught her interest. And, really, she had been thinking about it a bit more since her shooting – especially with how it had made her connection and commitment to Will feel that much more real.

Elliot gave her a smile and asked, "So what do they mean? They're rather abstract looking."

"Are you checking out my husband, El? Com'on. When have you even seen any of his tattoos to care?"

He shoved another fry into his mouth. "The fitting."

She allowed a small nod at that. She had thought maybe he'd gotten a bit of an idea in some of the pictures from Florida or the times Will had come into the precinct in shorts of tshirts. Those were moments when more of the tattoos would've been visible. But she really didn't think there would've bee a true moment that Elliot would've had a real impression of just how covered Will was. Though, she supposed if Will had had his shirt off in-and-out of the dressing area at the fitting, it would've given a bit of an idea. But it still wouldn't have had all of them visible.

"There must be some stories in there," he said. "There usually are."

She nodded again. "There are. But they're private," she said sternly.

She wasn't going to get into it – and she supposed her tone, or maybe Elliot's own experience with the meaning of tattoos was enough to shut him up on that matter.

Elliot eyed her, though. "How many does he have?"

She shook her head at him. "Why does it matter?"

"Just curious."

She sighed and looked at the ceiling, counting a bit on her fingers. "Ten – if you count the wrists as separate."

Elliot snorted and shook his head at her. "Ten? I would've never imagined you with the walking human canvas."

"He's a good guy, El," she said flatly. "I didn't care about the tattoos."

He nodded. "I know. So tell me some of the early stuff? Why are you with the guy?"

She let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't know."

"That's not a very good answer a week before the wedding," he told her.

"Hate to break it to you, El. But we're already married. Next weekend is all for show."

He snorted. "So give me something for the show then. Why are you with the guy?"

"Because he's a good guy, El," she repeated flatly.

"I know that much. At what point did you decide he was a good guy?"

She rubbed at her eyebrow. "I don't know. Lots of different points."

It was true. It had never been one moment for her. It was a slow accumulation of spending time with him. If Elliot really wanted a moment where it had all come together – it hadn't been until about five weeks ago – after they were already married - when she started to come out of the drug stupor of the shooting and started to really realize that the only person she really wanted and needed there to comfort her and get her through it was Will. It was then that all the rest of it really became that much more starkly real. She needed him to get through Noah being sick. She needed him to get through raising her son. She needed him to talk to after a bad day at work. She needed him for physical comfort after working a really horrific case. She needed him for his cooking and his ridiculous jokes and his so indie you haven't even heard of them music and the way he made her smile like no one else ever had in her life. The shooting had made a lot of her doubts and her questioning about if it was real and if it would continue as a marriage after Noah was well and if she could do this fade. Will was a part of her now and she needed him just as much as she did any of her other limbs or vital organs.

"You can't even talk to me about it – and you're going to parade yourself in front of what? Seventy-five or so people next weekend?"

She shook her head and looked down. "Don't remind me."

"So why are you with the guy?" he pressed again.

She sighed. "You're pissing me off, El. Com'on let's eat our lunch – so we can both go home. Your company sucks today."

He snorted. "At what point did Will's company stop sucking?"

"His company never sucked," she shot back in about as mocking of tone as Elliot's at her choice of language. And, it hadn't. Even when she was still feeling annoyed with Will as the new neighbour who wasn't really taking no for an answer, she still found herself smiling and enjoying the little moments they spend together. Even though she kept him at arm's length and kept pushing him away and kept finding excuses and reasons and ways to hurt him – his company had never sucked. He'd always been good company – and she was so glad he hadn't given up on whatever he felt stirring in him and had given her the time to realize she really felt it too.

She sighed and looked down. "He makes me a better person, El. That's why I'm with him. I was … too uptight … as me, as a mother. He helped me drop some of that – to be a better person, to be a better mother. OK? Is that what you need?"

He gave her a small smile and nodded. "It is," he said quietly. But then a smile spread across his face. "You're right though. You were pretty uptight, tightly wound. Glad someone could fix that. You're much more likeable now."

She snorted and shook her head, tossing her scrunched up, dirty napkin across the table at him. "Gee thanks, El. That means a lot coming from a man with anger management problems."


	197. Chapter 197

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia kept on stroking at Noah's head where he was laying on the exam table, flat out in a hospital gown. He was meeting her eyes and gazing back at her but his stare was so tired and glassy. Just seeing him like that was driving her closer and closer to tears. She just wanted him to feel better – to be alright. Or as alright as she could get him anymore.

"Are you hearing me, Olivia?" Dr. Covens asked.

She glanced at him and nodded. She moved her one hand back to clutch at her son's hand and adjusted her positioning and gaze to make it clear to the doctor that she was actually listening to and trying to participate in the consultation.

She was just so tired too – though she didn't think she was quite as exhausted as Noah or feeling quite as shitty. But it had been a long day for both of them so far and it only sounded like it was about to get longer.

Will had gone into work that day – after missing most of the previous week, again. He had his TAs doing more than their share so far in the term between her shooting and Noah's hospitalization. Earlier in the day, Olivia had already been thinking that it had been a mistake on insisting that he go in. Now it was even clearer that it hadn't made sense for him to go. She should've let him be there with them.

She'd ended up dragging Noah in to her own appointment in the morning and then had him sit through her doing some physiotherapy. By the time they got out of that her little boy was again complaining of the severe headache. At first she'd thought that it might be good that he had a headache while they were at his follow-up so that the problem was apparent while they were there and she wasn't just spouting her son's complaints back at the doctor. But now that they were sitting there, she really wished he didn't have the headache at all.

"I just don't understand how he got released from the hospital if he has a spinal fluid leak," Olivia sighed.

Covens nodded. "Well, it's likely that some of his activity since he's been home exasperated it," he said. "Laying in bed in the hospital to being up and walking, running, playing at home are two different things. It's normal for these things to happen in the first couple weeks after a lumbar puncture."

She shook her head and squeezed Noah's hand again and looked at him – reaching out and smoothing her hand over his forehead and then down his cheek.

"I just don't like the idea of putting him through another surgery again – so soon after the last one," she said quietly.

"Think of it as more of a procedure, Olivia," Covens tried to explain again. "It's very simple – and in most people it provides immediate relief from the headaches and the pain he's been experiencing."

She met his eyes. "But he's going to be in an operating room again – for the third time in a week."

He nodded. "He won't be put under," Covens repeated. "We'll get him downstairs now and on an IV until we can get an anesthesiologist to see him and space in the OR. He'll go in – have some dye injected into his spine and an xray will be done. His back will be washed and some numbing solution will be placed on the area. The nurse will take up some of his blood – and the anesthesiologist will then inject it near the site of his puncture to create the patch. That will create a patch to help relieve the pressure and stop the leak while the hole in his membrane heals. The whole procedure will take about 30 mintues and then we'll have him in recovery with you – for about an hour, assuming everything goes well."

She sighed. "You expect him to just lay there while they do this to him? Awake? Will I be able to be in there with him?"

He shook his head. "No. We have to do it in an OR with an xray machine so you won't be able to be there – and we'll have to restrain him to keep him from moving. But he's not going to feel a thing on his back while they perform the procedure. The area will be numb. It will be similar to when we've done spinal taps to testing."

Covens looked at Noah and gripped at his little socked foot a bit. "You're headaches are pretty bad right now, Noah?" he asked again and got a nod. "OK. We can fix that for you – but you're going to have to lie still, still, still. You can do that for us, though, right?" Her son nodded again but Olivia just sighed.

"What are the side effects of this procedure?"

"For most people – none, Olivia," he stressed.

She shook her head and looked at the ceiling. "Our family's batting 1,000 these days. So with our luck – we're going to end up with the worst-case scenario. So what is it?"

"Some people end up experiencing pain in their legs and feet for a few days following the procedure," he said. "That's about as bad as it can get. Or the clot doesn't take properly – so you'll be back in the ER with him with more headaches and back pain. But realistically – just like after the lumbar puncture, he's going to feel stiff and sore for the next 24 hours. You're going to have to limit his activity for the next day or so – some people need longer. Encourage him to lay down. Avoid laughing, coughing, sneezing, unnecessary talking or movement. Get lots of fluids into him – and he should be fine."

She looked at the ceiling. "Is this what it's going to be like after everyone of these treatments?"

Covens began a small shrug but did meet her eyes. "Hopefully not. But you never can tell for sure. We'll keep him supine for longer the next time. Hopefully that will help."

"He's been worse this week than he has basically since consolidation. I need to know that what you're doing is helping him … because this …" she shook her head.

It was awful. Noah wasn't himself. He wasn't even his cancer-self. She could tell how much pain and discomfort he was in. And, the amount of nausea and vomiting he was having was causing major disruption and stress for the whole family. Not to mention the sores in his mouth had turned her back to bribing him to get him to ingest anything. She was already running on empty and this was just pushing her that much closer to the edge. She was so worried about him and she hated feeling like they were taking giant steps backwards in his progress with something that was supposed to be getting her son closer to being better.

"Olivia – a lot of the symptoms he is experiencing are likely because of the leak. It is not necessarily side effects from the drugs," Covens said. "We'll be able to get a better handle on that after we've placed the blood patch and he starts to generally feel better. If it is side effects from the drugs, you know we can give you medications to help counteract some of that."

She sighed and looked at him hard. "But is this chemo doing what it's supposed to be doing? Are you getting the readings you want?"

"Things looked positive on the tests we ran while he was in the hospital. We'll take a look at his counts today – and we'll see how we're doing," he responded. It wasn't as concrete of answer as she wanted. Not at all.

"Our wedding reception is supposed to be on Saturday – is he going to be up to taking part?" she asked quietly.

Covens sighed at that and lifted his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I can't tell you that for sure. If the patch works for him – the headache is going to be gone by the time we send him home. It should be gone within 24 hours – we'll keep him until we know it's worked. And, technically, he should be up and on his feet – more himself – by tomorrow evening. But you never know. He could be one of the unlucky ones. I don't know, Olivia. And, either way, he should be taking it easy this week. Keep him out of school for a few more days. Put him in front of the TV – keep him laying down – give him some time to heal."

She looked at Noah again and stroked at his cheek, eyeing him. He was being so quiet – even for him.

"Do you understand what Dr. Covens is saying, sweets?" she asked but he just gazed at her more with those glassy eyes. She knew the light in the room was hurting him and just making the pain he was experiencing that much worse.

Will knew headaches after years of suffering from migraines and he'd tried about everything he knew to get Noah some relief. Smelling salts. Menthol cream on his temples. Ice packs. Herbal teas. Tastes of caffeine. Taste of chocolate. Massage. Pressure points. Encouraging him to sleep.

Will had spent a good part of the previous evening with Noah in the bathroom while he continued to vomit and cry about the headaches. They'd been in there for hours with the lights off and with Will holding him under cool water in the shower and just rocking him and rubbing his back and his head, trying to comfort him and to get him some comfort too. It really hadn't helped, though, Noah had eventually cried himself to sleep. He'd ended up in their bed with each of them up most of the night and monitoring him, checking his temperature for any change and making sure the ice pack stayed against his aching head.

"We're going to get rid of your headaches – but you're going to have to have another procedure. You're going to be awake this time – but you'll be in an operating room without Mommy. The doctor is going to put another needle in your back to fix a leak there from last time. That's what's making your head hurt so much. Are you going to be a brave, brave boy again so we can get you feeling a bit better?"

"I don't want headaches anymore, Mommy," he near cried out.

She nodded. "I know, sweets. We're going to fix it. It's going to feel better soon."

She looked back to Covens and rubbed at her eyebrow for a moment. "OK," she nodded. "Let's do it. How quickly can you get him in?"

Covens looked at the computer screen in the exam room. "We're going to keep him supine. So we'll get him on a stretcher and get him downstairs and we'll go from there."

She nodded. "His dad is going to want to be here. How much time does he have to get here, do you think?"

He clicked around the screen some more. "I've already got some of the requests out. They'll get you going downstairs pretty quick. We'll be treating him as an emergency case – but you're still going to be waiting for the anesthesiologist and the OR – and they need to have him on the IV for a bit before we start. He has at least an hour to get here, I'd say. But the reality is he's not going to be too high on OR time priorities. I'm seeing some real emergencies taking up the bays right now. So you could be in the bed waiting for several hours, Olivia. But we'll get him in tonight. Things quiet down into the evening and in the early hours of the morning. We should have him out of here in time from breakfast. Assuming everything goes well."

She sighed but nodded. They were becoming experts at spending their days and nights in the hospital. She just didn't want Noah to have to wait much longer. His eyes looked so empty that afternoon. It was killing pieces inside of her in a way she hadn't felt since his first diagnosis and the terror that was his induction treatment. She couldn't stand seeing her little boy looking like that. It was a stark reminder of how real the situation – his illness – was, and how he could still be taken away from her. And, even if he wasn't – which she believed and reaffirmed for herself every day – what would be left of her little boy when this was all over. Would he grow up with those dead looking eyes?


	198. Chapter 198

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will watched Olivia. She was hunched forward in her chair clasping Noah's one little hand with both of her hands. Her forehead had joined the effort – and she'd been sitting like that with her head on the bed for at least twenty minutes at that point. She almost looked liked she'd positioned herself in prayer. Will couldn't see her face from where he was sitting on the opposite side of the bed but he thought her posterior had more to do with fatigue than prayer.

Noah was sleeping and had been for nearly an hour at that point. As the time for the procedure neared his initial eagerness to be rid of his headaches was replaced with the fear of having to have needles without Mommy by his side. It had quickly become apparent that the little boy wasn't likely going to stay as still as they needed – so they'd sedated him, in addition to the restrains and the numbing of the area on his back. It had meant they'd gotten him through the procedure OK but he'd been drowsy and mumble-y by the time they were allowed into the recovery room with him. He seemed to think the headache was gone but he was drifting so much, his answers didn't seem that concrete – and they were giving him an extra IV of some sort of solution that Will didn't quite understand to provide an additional patching of the membrane that his body would absorb as well. So it further clouded how exactly he was doing.

The nurses had started him out in a supine position on the bed and were slowly working at bringing him up to a sitting position while monitoring his vitals and checking his ability to feel his legs and wiggle his toes. It was usually supposed to be about an hour process, they'd been told, but with Noah's sedation, they were keeping him in recovery for four hours. So the process had been slowed and more incremental – letting the little boy sleep through the period as much as possible.

Will was thankful for that – though he wished that there was somewhere for his wife to lay down too. She was clearly exhausted. He hoped that after they managed to get Noah vertical it wouldn't be too long of wait before his follow-up xray and they got the go-ahead to go home from the doctor.

Olivia needed to sleep in her bed that night, he could tell – not a hospital chair. But they'd already waited for hours to get Noah into an OR and they still had about three hours more to go before they'd even consider releasing him. His watch told him it was already 11 p.m. They weren't going to get home until the wee hours of the morning. So they were just going to have to make do – and that seemed to be what Olivia was trying to do. She was usually always at him about the ability he'd acquired over the past 18 months to fall asleep sitting up in an uncomfortable hospital chair. But he didn't think he was going to be able to do it that night. His eyes were on the two most important people in his world – and his mind was churning.

He let out a sigh and stood – lifting his chair and taking it over to the other side of the bed. He didn't want to drag it on the off chance that Olivia was actually asleep – and he'd end up startling her awake with the noise. Though, based on the breathing he'd be watching as her back and shoulders moved up-and-down ever so slightly in her position, he thought she was likely still awake. He put his chair down next to hers – so it was pulled near to Noah's bed and sleeping figure. He sat and placed his elbows on the bed too and she slowly turned her head to look at him and gave him a thin smile.

"Hi," he said softly, and moved his one hand over – setting it on top of hers and Noah's, and rubbing the back of it with his thumb while feeling her wedding band and engagement ring under his fingers. She spread her fingers a bit to allow him to clasp hers from above.

"Hi," she returned at a whisper and sat up straighter. She removed her hand and shuffled her chair a bit closer to his and then leaned into him, as much as the awkward hard chairs would allow. Still, he took it and wrapped his one arm around her as they both settled into watching Noah sleep.

The boy was so still with the sedative. Really the only movement Will had noticed was some twitching of his eye lids and his eyes visibly moving under them. Even when the nurse came and elevated his bed a bit more and took his vitals, he hardly stirred in the disruptions. When he was gently awoken to demonstrate he could still feel his legs and wiggle his toes, it took extra encouragement to get him to listen and co-operate and then he would groggily mumble at them, wiggle his toes and shut his eyes again.

"You doing OK?" Will asked her as he gripped around her shoulder and then lowered his hand to find hers again, lacing their fingers together.

"I'm just so tired," she said and rubbed her cheek a bit against his shoulder for good measure. "I'm just thinking."

"What about?" he asked.

She sighed. "The wedding reception. My doctor's appointment today. Work. Noah. Your parents."

He gave her hand a squeeze. "Want to go down the list?" he asked.

She shook her head against him. "I don't know," she mumbled.

He could feel the fatigue radiating off of her – but also the sadness. The concern and sadness he'd seen in his wife the last few days was at an intensity that he hadn't seen for months. It scared him. It concerned him. But he was feeling it too.

It had been a little scary watching Noah struggle with the new treatment. It was terrifying to think that this would be a near monthly ordeal now – and that it was this that was supposed to be making him better. It seemed to be making him so much worse than he had been.

Will started down the list anyway despite her hesitation, though. He couldn't stand sitting there in the silence anymore. Seeing Noah lying there so still – and so small – was making him so sad. Olivia's body language wasn't doing anything to help move him away from the despair and towards optimism. He needed to hear her voice. He usually offered him so much reassurance.

He'd been there hours now and the only words they'd exchanged had been about Noah and the procedure. They'd said more to the doctors and the nurses than they had to each other. He hadn't even had the opportunity to hear how her own appointment had gone that morning. It likely seemed like a long time ago to her now – a distant memory that probably paled in comparison to what their son was going through at the moment.

"What about the reception?" he asked.

"We should postpone," she said quietly.

He shook his head. "No. We'll just make do. There's never going to be an ideal time, Liv. If we have to leave after the ceremony, we will."

"And just skip the dinner and the dancing?" she ask softly.

"If Noah's not up to it – then we'll skip it," he said.

She sighed. "That's the part we all were looking forward to."

He reached up and rubbed at her shoulder and put a kiss against her temple. "We miss it – and I'll take you both out to dinner and dancing when you we all feel more up for it."

She released a small breath but in her cheeks against his chest, he could feel that she was giving him a small smile for his efforts. So he rubbed at her shoulder a bit more.

"What'd your doctor have to say?" he asked next.

She rubbed her forehead against him a bit and then he saw her set her eyes back on Noah –just watching the boy.

"Everything is healing the way it's supposed to," she said quietly.

Will smiled and put a kiss in her hair. "That's great news."

She sighed at that though and shook her head. "It's not," she said. "I'm not ready to go back."

Will sat quietly at that for a bit and watched Noah too. He put his cheek against her head and just watched – feeling her against him and trying to take in more of her scent - what was left of the shampoo smell in her hair and less of all the odours of the hospital.

"I thought you wanted to go back," he said softly after a while.

She nodded. "I do. Just … I'm so tired right now … and all this Will," her voice cracked as she watched her little boy – looking so frail.

Sometimes when he was so still like that it scared Will – he couldn't imagine what it did to Olivia. She'd seen so many young victims under thin sheets in the morgue. He didn't want to think about what Noah would look like if he died – the stillness that would be over him. But he was sure there were moments like that night where Olivia could see it even more starkly than he could in her mind's eye as it mingled with all the other victims from her years on the job.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this," she said quietly.

They were quiet for a while but she eventually reached up and rubbed at her face, though her eyes clearly stayed set on her son.

"I don't even know if the shrink is going to approve me to go back yet – but I think the doctors will. If they slate me to go back as a desk jockey, I want to request a leave of absence, Will."

"Will taking a leave affect your comp care agreement?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I'll need to talk to my union rep about that. But … I don't know if I care, Will. I want to be home for Noah right now. I want to get him through a couple more of cycles – through some more of these treatments. I don't want to be balancing that and work. I can't – not with how I'm feeling right now. The shooting … it's just taken so much out of my physically. I'm so exhausted all the time. I don't know if it's the reduced lung capacity or all the medication or … the mental aspect. But I can't manage my son and the job right now while I'm supposed to be getting back to 100 per cent too. It's too much."

It wasn't that Will didn't understand where she was coming from. It wasn't even that he disliked the idea of her taking time off work. He wasn't excited about her going back to work yet. He wasn't even that excited about her job. It terrified him in so many ways – and he wasn't sure he'd ever be entirely comfortable with it. But he knew how much that job was a part of her – what it meant to her. He was scared what stepping away from it might to do her. He wasn't sure she could handle leaving it mentally, as much as her physically being there scared the shit out of him now. He didn't know if he could separate Olivia from the job – and if she was separated from it, would she still be the same person he knew and loved? Would she survive having that huge piece of her life removed?

He also knew how work could be a touchstone – a break, a sanity saver, a distraction in all that was happening with their son. It was something that wasn't cancer-related. The job wasn't just about providing an income for the family or ensuring they were covered by health benefits. It was about having something else to spend some time focusing on. Only focusing on Noah – only focusing on cancer – Will thought both he and Olivia might lose it. He wasn't sure they could handle that either.

"Maybe Covens will give us a note saying that you need the time for caring for Noah – so we can still have you falling under comp care when you're off disability," Will suggested.

She shook her head. "We can ask – but I don't care if he won't. I've been thinking about this for a while, Will. You know that. We've talked about this. I know … we need the money, we need the benefits. But … it's been so hard to not be available to him during all of this. I've been thinking about it more and more since that case in the summer. And – now – seeing him like this and with how I'm feeling … I think I need the time. I need to be at home with my son – not sitting at a desk pushing paper around."

Will sighed. "You know he's going to be OK, Liv," he offered. "It hopefully won't be like this after every treatment."

She reached out and gripped at Noah's little, near lifeless hand again. "And what if it is?"

"Then we'll deal with it," Will said. "We always do."

She sighed and looked at Noah some more. "We can't keep living like this, Will. We're both exhausted and we've still got another … two years … to go – in a best case scenario. You're carrying too much of the load right now …"

"I'm OK with that," Will interjected and met her eyes. "You're still recovering. You need time to do that."

She shook her head. "You're missing too much work this fall, Will. It's going to become a problem. They aren't going to just keep letting it slide. You're never there."

He'd already been reprimanded about it. He already had talked to his TAs about it. The poor grad students had no idea what they were getting into when they were hired on by him. One of them had already handed in their resignation. The workload he was asking them to take on on his behalf was unfair. He knew it – but he was trying to be there for his family too. Finding the balance – doing enough to keep the job but being where he needed to be … it was so fucking hard. He felt like he was failing on all fronts anymore. This discussion was just making him feel like a big failure. He was proving so inadequate, his wife who was barely a month out of taking a bullet to the lung thought she should be taking on more at home to keep the family afloat.

He let out a deep breath. "I'm trying …." he said.

She moved back to him and gripped his hand so tightly. "I know you are. You're doing a great job, Will," she said, like she'd heard his thoughts. "You are hauling this family through right now. You are holding me up. But … you can't keep doing that forever. You're going to fall down too. We both are."

"I don't want you to give up your job …" he said softly. "That's … not going to help this family in the long run. I know what walking away from it will do to you."

"I'm not walking away from it," she said sternly. "If … they want to get me off disability … I'm going to ask for a couple months leave. That won't make-or-break us. It will give me more time to try to bounce back and it will give me time to be here with him for this."

"You could be here for this while on comp care," he said.

She met his eyes. "Will – ever since I had to go back to work after his consolidation, I've never felt like I've been here for him the way I should be – the way I need to be as his mother. The way I want to be. I want to be here. It's where I should be."

He looked at her. "But … your job … it helps … keep you sane. To get you out of the house and distracted and … not focusing everything on this …" he said and his eyes fell back to Noah's little figure and he felt his eyes glass and reached up to wipe at them.

She reached up at them too and bent forward to give him a small kiss on the lips. "I want to be focused on this right now, Will. I've hated seeing him like this again. This is too much to juggle. I need to be home."

He rubbed his head against her cheek. "Would taking my parents up on their offer make it easier for you to keep working?"

"I'm not going to quit my job, Will. I'm just taking some time away. But I do think we should take your parents up on their offer," she told him and met his eyes. "We're running ourselves into the ground. I don't like the idea of them nosing into our lives either. But … we'll set them some ground rules. I'm … afraid … about where we're headed if we don't … start … accepting some help. I hate it as much as you … but with where I am in my recovery, if this is a preview of what the rest of his LTM is going to look like … we aren't enough for him, Will – and we're going to fail him if we are slowly destroying ourselves in all this. We just … have to stop. I … need you to … agree with me on this."

"I'm always onboard with you," Will said quietly after a pregnant pause. "I just … don't want you to lose yourself in all of this too."

She shook her head. "I won't. My son is more important than my job. My family is more important. The job is still going to be there waiting for me. Our time together, Will … that has an expiry date. I want to be at home, right now."

He nodded and put his lips to her temple. "OK," he mumbled. "OK..."


	199. Chapter 199

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She'd heard Will come into the apartment and then heard him on the main level talking to his parents for a bit – but she'd still stayed up in the bedroom. Though, she did look up as he came up the stairs and offered him a small smile as he came over and claimed the opposite side of the bed. He didn't say anything to her for a few moments – instead his eyes fell on Noah and his hand came down to cup the sleeping boy's head, his thumb rubbing at his temple.

Noah had slept most of the previous day after his procedure. He put in several hours that afternoon too. It concerned Olivia a little bit – but at least he wasn't complaining of headaches now. She thought he was likely just completely exhausted from the whole ordeal. And, really, the doctor had said she should keep him as laid-up as possible for the next few days anyway – giving the blood patch the time to do its job and his membrane the time to heal without any further potential seeping in the little boy's movements.

She watched the man and how he was so gently caressing at their son. She knew that Will was likely just as worried as her. But he hadn't had the option to just stay home like her. In some ways, she thought being on disability leave for her recovery right now was a bit of a mixed blessing. At least it meant she could be home full-time while Noah was going through this. She'd been so worried about him. She still was – though, she was starting to feel like he was moving out of the woods now and that they were moving towards their usual level of normalcy, for what that was worth.

Will's eyes finally drifted up from Noah and met her gaze. "Hey," she greeted softly.

He gave her a smile and rolled off his side from his examination of Noah and onto his back – though he kept his eyes locked on her.

"How was you're day?" she asked.

He rubbed at his face. "Aaaah," he said and shook his head. "That grad student that's been driving me crazy," he said and looked at her directly, "he was continuing to drive me crazy. He thinks he's some sort of expert at everything. It's incredibly frustrating. He's trying to apply all these mechanics of deformable solids to his arguments. But the guy has no background in physics – and then while I'm trying to contextualize this for him, he's treating me like I don't know what I'm talking about! Dealing with this kid was a giant waste of my afternoon – and I'm going to be stuck with him unless I can pawn him off on another supervisor, which I don't think will be possible. At the rate he's going in trying to solve these self-created problems and make these completely unfounded arguments he's trying to make – I'm going to be supervising him for another five years … or forever. His defence is never going to make it through a panel. His research and papers aren't anywhere near reaching a point that I'm ready to start moving him forward either – and his skill sets … arrrrg. I don't know how he made it through his undergrad. It's just … ridiculous. So he ate up a tonne of my time – I was late for a meeting and got chewed out about it. Again. And, then I got back that paper I was trying to get published. They like the research but they want the written part reworked. And, blah … I just don't know if I have time. I'm trying to decide if I should just give it to one of my kids to work on smoothing out and offer up some credit on the paper. But it's my research – so I don't know I want to hand out that."

She rubbed at her eyebrow. "Which paper was it?" she asked.

"The one looking at non-deterministic events and formulators in relation to the free market," he said flatly and rubbed at his eyes again. "Applying it to some of stuff that's gone on the last few years."

"Was that the one almost written in English?"

He snorted and looked at her, giving her a wide smile. "Almost," he agreed.

She didn't even try to pretend anymore to understand half the stuff Will researched. Math was no her thing. It had never been one of her strong points. It had taken her most of their relationship to even develop a working understanding of some of his key areas of research to be able to follow some of his general conversations and to know enough to ask some basic questions. She was learning – but she'd never be an expert. She'd never even know or grasp enough to be much of an interesting person for him to talk to on any of the matters. Though, he had claimed that sometimes things she said or argued with him on a generalized topic piqued enough interest in him or made him look at something in a different way that it had taken his mind elsewhere and lead him in a direction he might otherwise not have gone. That at least made her feel semi-useful and competent in her ability to sort of challenge him or engage with him. Still, she knew Will was smarter than her – at least in some ways. His IQ was definitely higher than hers. But she knew too that she had him beat in other areas.

"You want me to take a look at it?" she offered. "See if I can make it read even more like it's in English."

He smiled at her again and leaned over in her direction. She could tell he was going for a kiss, so she met him halfway – capturing his lips and enjoying the feel of them for several seconds, as his one hand came up and cupped her cheek in a similar manner to what he'd been doing to Noah. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers for a moment.

"I'd really appreciate that, babe," he said.

She nodded and gave him a small smile. She'd read it before he'd sent it in for the peer review and publication. It had almost made sense to her – so she figured she might be able to edit it a bit for him in a way that would make it more readable. She definitely had Will in the writing category. Stringing written sentences together that were understandable or readable to anyone who wasn't a math academic wasn't something he was good at – at all. He'd spent too much of his adult life punching numbers into a computer – not words.

"Email it to me," she said.

He smiled again and sat up a bit straighter again – so they both weren't hanging over top of their sleeping son with their lips locked. She could just imagine how grossed out Noah would be if he woke up in the midst of that. He was at the age-and-stage that whenever they kissed in front of him anymore they got an "Ewwwww!". She thought it was a little funny. But she really hoped they didn't get a "Ewwwww!" at the wedding ceremony. She'd already had a bit of a talk to him about it. But she thought talking to Noah about had likely done more to convince him it might be a good way to get a laugh rather than to deter him from doing it.

"So are you up here hiding from my parents?" Will asked, reaching out and running the back of his hand down her cheek.

Will's parents had shown up around 1 p.m. in their first Wednesday of them apparently letting them more into their lives. Olivia was the one who'd told Will they should go along with it – that it would be good for all of them. So, really she probably should've been being nice to them. After-all, the reception was in a matter of days and it was at their house. But she was just so tired after the last several days of Noah. So she'd done little more than say hello, tell them that grocery list was on the table, that a load of laundry was in the machine and that her and Will hadn't done anything that resembled cleaning since before Noah had been in the hospital for his treatment. Then she'd disappeared upstairs with her son who was already sleeping.

She just really hadn't felt up to visiting and the purpose of them being there wasn't supposed to be for a visit really. They said they wanted to help. Will had talked the night before and sent a follow-up email laying down the ground rules to avoid them intruding too much on their lives, from them stepping on their toes too much or from all of them getting a little too frustrated with each other. So as far as Olivia was concerned – them following up on their offer to help was the object of the visit. There'd be other days and other times – other weeks – where she'd be more up to chit-chat. This week wasn't one of them.

She sighed and gestured at Noah. "We were taking a nap," she said flatly.

His smile grew wider at that and he nodded at her – where she had her computer sitting in her lap. "Yeah – you look like you're doing a lot of sleeping while breaking the no laptops in bed rule."

"You weren't in bed with me," she informed him.

"HA!," he spat and shook his head at her. "Is that how that rule works? I'll have to remember that for the future."

"It might be just how that rule applies to me," she told him and gave him a smile.

"Ah, right," he nodded. "Because we don't do equal application of the rules in this house, do we?"

She shrugged. "You need more rules than me."

He snorted and shook his head at her. "What are you looking at?" he asked.

She gave him a small smile – as he rested his shoulder more against the head of the bed and craned his neck to try to make something out through the reflection on the screen.

"You don't want to know," she told him.

"Porn?" he teased.

She rolled her eyes. "You know me so well, Will."

"So what is it then?" he asked.

She just handed the computer over their sleeping son to him and he settled it into his own lap and looked at the screen and then glanced at her. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me," he said and shook his head.

"Noah and I spent some time doing Hawaii research so he has lots to tell his co-ordinator about his wish when she comes over tomorrow night. That's the key factor in his wish," she told him with a smile.

Will shook his head harder. "No, it's not. You're putting ridiculous ideas in his head."

"Will – you should've seen his face and heard him while we were looking at the pictures and the videos. This is definitely his wish."

Will snorted and let out a small laugh in disbelief – clicking around the website a bit more and then he looked at her again.

"OK – so let me get this straight, Liv," he said a little exasperatedly. "In Boston this summer – you wouldn't let him put his hands in the touch tank …"

"That touch tank looked disgusting. God knows what was growing in there or what all those kids were spreading in there. He wasn't going to put his hands in that thing."

Will looked at her sternly again. "You wouldn't let him pet a fucking sting ray," he said, "but you'll let him get into a cage with sharks swimming around him."

"Mmmm!" she said at that. "The resort has a sting ray program for the kids. So maybe he'll get to touch one of them this time too. I'm hoping Disney can pull off less disgusting than an aquarium touch tank."

"OK, Liv – focus here," Will said. "Forget the sting rays. You want to put our son in the water … with sharks!"

She shrugged. "It's perfectly safe. He wants to do it."

Will gaped at her. "It's perfectly safe to put a six-year-old in the water WITH SHARKS? Have you lost your fucking mind?"

She just reached over and tapped on the edge of the screen. "Look. It's just a little cage, Will. Read about it. It's fully enclosed with poly-glass. It floats two feet above the water – you don't even have to go under, if you don't want to. It's tied to the boats. He's a strong swimmer – and so are you. He'll be fine."

"He's not swimming with me," Will said and shot her a look. "I'm not getting the water with fucking sharks. That's insane."

"Now you're being ridiculous. It's perfectly safe."

"Oh, yeah – swimming with sharks. I'm sure there's not even a liability waiver to sign for an activity like that. Just jump right in. There has to be an age requirement on this – like 18," he said. "At least."

She shook her head. "That company is age five and up. There's another one that's three and up."

"That's insane," he informed her.

She snorted. "You know what I think is insane?" she asked and looked at him. "Jumping into the Hudson River and its currents in the dark at the beginning of September with hundreds of other people and swimming a mile. And then getting out and biking 25 miles before running six. That's insane, Will. And I'm pretty sure you're more likely to die in the Hudson than you are to die doing a cage swim in Hawaii."

"The shooting has fucked with your head more than I thought," he mumbled at her.

She snorted again and shook her head. "OK. Fine. Wimp. You can just sit in the boat. I'll go in with Noah while you sit there pissing yourself and miss out on your son completely losing his mind about seeing real, live sharks. That's fine. Your brothers will like to hear that story. Willie's six-year-old swims with sharks. Willie sits on the boat crying like a little girl. We'll give them some new material."

He rubbed his face. "Oh my God," he mumbled and shook his head at her. "YOU … YOU! drive me fucking insane."

She smiled. "I know. You like it."

He made a guttural noise and shook his head. "No. I don't. … I love it."

She smiled wider. "That too."


	200. Chapter 200

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Noah went trotting into the squad room at a clip that Olivia didn't really like.

"Sweets – no running," she called at him as she managed to dodge around some other detectives and follow him off the elevator. "The doctor says you're supposed to be taking it easy."

Her son didn't really listen to her. He'd spotted John and he hadn't seen the detective in a while and was on a near bolt for him.

"Unkie Munchie!" Noah declared as he arrived at the man's desk. "Mommy says you'll dance with me at our wedding. Do you want to practice? Mom has the good songs on her phone!"

John examined the little boy and glanced up at her.

"Your mother is sadly mistaken," Munch informed Noah and shot her a look like she was disgraceful. "You don't spend years refining this persona to ruin it with something like dancing at a fake wedding."

"It's a family wedding not a fake wedding!" Noah protested.

"Don't confuse the kid with your divorcee angst," Fin directed at John.

"I would've thought you'd have lots of wedding dancing experience after being married – what? Five times?" Liv commented as she made her way around and took a seat at her desk. "You must know all the best routines. Chicken dance? YMCA? Conga line?"

"I'll save my best for my next real wedding," John told her.

She snorted and shook her head.

"What you even doing here, Liv?" Fin asked. "Not coming to tell us you're bailing out on the big event after I went and stocked the bar for ya."

"You aren't supposed to tell her things like that," Elliot said, appearing from inside Cragen's office and coming back to his desk.

She gaped at him – distracted from Fin's comment about the status of the reception's bar for the moment. He was completely bald – there was barely even a stubble of his dark hair left on his head.

"You didn't?" she said.

He shrugged. "You think I was going to be the only one standing up there with hair?"

She gaped some more. "I'll have hair."

"You can be the odd one out," he stated flatly and shuffled around at his desk.

Her and Will had decided he was going to shave his hair down for the big event. Will kept his hair fairly short and neat during the academic year anyway. It was just during the summer that he let it go a little wild, which didn't make much sense considering how much he hated his summer curls. She thought he half-ways did it for her since she adored them.

With Noah's latest treatment having completely robbed him of even his fuzz again, they'd decided that father and son should match. Since being in school – especially now in Grade 1 - Noah seemed much more conscious of and embarrassed by the fuzzy or less status of his hair. But the little boy still preferred to have the fluff over complete baldness. There'd been tears this time when the little bit that had been on the top of his head disappeared again – left on his pillow and in fingers while wetting it down in the tub. They'd decided Will would go bald in an effort at comfort and solidarity – to try to show Noah it was nothing to be embarrassed about.

Noah loved at least to get to be the one who took the clippers to his dad's head. Olivia actually felt the pictures from that event and the various incarnations of hairstyles Will had gone through before she finished off the shearing for him, would look a bit better than what her husband now would in any photos from their reception. Will didn't pull off bald that well. It accentuated his nose a little too much and made those ears of his look about as big as they appeared in his childhood pictures – like he was about to take flight. But she didn't really care – not when it was something they were doing for her son. Any pictures of the day were just going to capture a moment in their lives anyway – this was just the moment they were at for the time being.

Rob had called while they were shaving it down the other night. Will's brother kept his hair cut so short that shaving it down further wasn't much of a big deal for him – but he'd volunteered to do the same. And clearly someone had got on the phone to Elliot to let him know that the men in the wedding party were going bald for the event.

"Now his head looks even more inflated than before," Fin commented flatly and Elliot shot him an unimpressed look but it invoked a small snort of a laugh from Olivia.

She rubbed at her face. "Wow. What'd Kathy say?"

He gave her a shit-eating grin. "Bald is sexy."

She rolled her eyes. "We go with bald is beautiful in our house," she said and nodded over where Noah was still chattering at John.

He'd taken a seat on John's knee and was ruffling through the things on his desk in about the same manner as he did to hers. Only John kept trying to move everything the boy touched back as soon as he touched it. Noah seemed particularly taken that the detective still had his masterpiece invitation of John as an orc sitting in plain view on the desk.

Olivia knew that Munch had more than a soft spot for her small son. He showed it in very Munch-like ways. But he'd shown it since the first day she bought him into the precinct for show-and-tell more than six years ago. John appreciated that artistic representation of him – even if it might be slightly insulting that he apparently resembled one of the grotesque grayish mythical creatures from the Tolkien novels that he kept buying for Noah. Olivia wasn't quite sure they completely held Noah's attention yet – but they certainly helped lull him to sleep.

"Will beautiful?" Elliot teased.

She gave him a smile at that and shook her head. "It's what on the inside that counts, El."

He snorted. He nodded over at Noah himself. "So are you putting him in one of those hats too then?"

She glanced at her son. They'd been out buying him a little newboy-style cap for the following day. Noah had seemed to think that his dirty-grimy, old Yankees cap would be an ideal option to cover up his head – his usual cancer look. She'd disagreed. She didn't quite think the Yankees went with the rest of his outfit. She'd bought him a little solid black beanie as an option too – vetoing his Yankees and Superman beanies and his raccoon wool hat - should he get chilled with being outside. But for the moment Noah seemed to feel pretty cool in his tweed newsie cap.

"That's up to, Will," she said.

If Will had his way, he'd likely be happy to wear his Yankee caps backwards while up at the makeshift alter too. He'd already been sure to point out that they hadn't thought through the scheduling of the wedding very well. They'd be missing the Yankees take on the Giants in Game 3. Her idiotic husband would likely feel that they should be showing their support even if they weren't watching.

Olivia had actually already accepted that Will would likely have his phone out checking in on the game as the night went on. She was considering having Rob confiscate the phone before the ceremony. But that would only do so much. The rest of Will's family would be wanting to know the score too. And Noah … and after living with Will and his Yankees' obsession for so long, she hated to admit … her too.

"Is your mom making you wear something ridiculous for this shindig?" John asked Noah adjusting his cap. Though his movements seemed to still when he realized that there wasn't any hair under it again – and he gave her a bit of a sad look.

Noah grabbed at the hat after the man's hands fell away and adjusted it back to the way he wanted it.

"Uncle Elliot says we look like potato famers," Noah declared.

Olivia snorted and rolled her eyes looking across her desk at her partner. "Do you see what you did?"

"In my defence, that's not exactly what I said," Elliot informed her.

"'Like he just arrived off the boat from the Potato Famine'," she regurgitated at him from Will's previous summary of Elliot's take on the men's outfits. "That's much better. Not insulting at all."

Olivia had seen Will's outfit – not on him, but had seen it. And, they'd talked about it extensively. At least in terms of colours Will was allowed to pick and not pick. So she'd been somewhat involved in the decision. Not to mention, she'd made sure the guys had ended up at a place where they'd actually had a clerk helping them and fitting them. There was no way she would've trusted Will, Elliot or Rob to just pick something off a rack. God knows what the hell Will would've come back if, if he'd be left to his own devices or been responsible for getting Noah clothed on his own.

Noah was going to be dressed similar to his dad. She knew that Rob and El were wearing slightly different colours and very different ties than Will. Will hadn't done a very good job at describing it, though, and hadn't thought that maybe it would've been a good idea to take some pictures. So she really had no idea what the rest of the men would have on. Though, Elliot had been at the men's fitting. He knew what all the men were wearing and he seemed to have rather strong opinions about it – and not ones she liked very much. Of course, that didn't keep Elliot from taking every opportunity to express them anyways.

Not had he'd been very observant in expressing to her what any of it actually looked like beyond his continued assertion that it was 'very Irish' – or what Noah had taken from it – they looked like 'potato farmers'. It pissed her off a bit. He was the maid of honour – his job was to be recognizance and to report back on crap like what the guys would look like, in an articulate way, not in a way that just agitated her. But El excelled at knowing which buttons to push to get a rise out of her. Sometimes he was fucking worse than Will – but of course, she'd known him longer and he liked playing the obnoxious older brother when he wasn't being the annoyingly overbearing one.

He just shrugged at her comment, though. "I've got Irish ancestry too."

"You know I was involved with picking out his outfit and the colouring, right?"

He shrugged again. "It's very Irish."

She'd shaken her head. "Because it's Irish linen, El? There's not going to be any green anywhere."

He shrugged again. "You don't know that. You left all the decorating in the hands of Will's parents."

She rolled her eyes. "There's not going to be any green anywhere. It's a fall wedding."

"It sounds like it might be a hurricane wedding," John interjected.

She shot him a glare. "Don't even say that."

"What?" John said in his sarcastic innocence. "Haven't you been watching the news? I think it's an omen. It's not meant to be."

"You are such a party-pooper," Fin said and looked at her. "Why'd you even invite this guy?"

She shook her head. "I have no idea."

"Because I am the life of the party," Munch said.

"More like the cheap-ass entertainment," Fin mumbled.

"So what does happen if Sandy does crash the party?" Munch asked.

She shrugged. "Sandy's not invited. How often to we hear a storm is heading for us and it never arrives?" she demanded at John. "The weathermen don't know what they're talking about."

The truth was that Will's parents had been freaking out about the reports that the massive storm was headed their way and could hit as early as the weekend. Initially she hadn't had much time to think about it. She'd been more worried about if Noah was going to be well enough for the reception than if they were going to rain out. But the last few days as their lives leveled off a bit – and May and Ted kept demanding to know what their back-up plan was - she'd been forced to think about it.

She thought the whole thing sounded like about her and Will's kind of luck. A rained out wedding. Not just that – a wedding in the midst of the hurricane. It sounded about right for them. Still, she was trying not to get too worked up about it. Just like they couldn't control cancer – they sure as hell couldn't control the weather. So if the storm came – they'd just have to deal with it.

"You know with climate change …" John started.

She held up her hand. "Save it, John. I don't want to hear it. If it rains – I guess we'll be having an extremely intimate ceremony in his parent's living room."

"Not rain," John corrected. "A hurricane. Who is going to travel all the way out to Staten Island in that?"

She threw up her hands. "Then don't come, John. I don't care."

John looked at her. "Aren't you just the ray of sunshine. Maybe you can manage to hold off the storm with that attitude." He looked at Elliot. "I think someone is getting cold feet."

"I think someone is doing his best to piss me off," she retorted and rolled her eyes. If she hadn't been stuck working with John most of her adult life – if he wasn't so kind to her son – she'd likely be a whole lot ruder to him on a much more regular basis. But John was just … John.

"YOU HAVE TO COME UNKIE MUNCHIE!" Noah protested. "You have to dance with me!"

"Don't worry Little Man," Fin said. "I'll dance with you. Teach you some moves. Scrawny little white men don't know how to dance anyway."

Olivia snorted. "We should charge an admission fee for people to see that."

"Hey now," Fin said. "Admission fee for me? What about him?" he asked and pointed across the desk to his partner. "I know how to dance."

She snorted again.

"What are you doing here?" Fin said with an annoyed headshake at that. It was almost like he was offended that she was questioning his dancing ability. But she really couldn't imagine Fin dancing. Maybe vibing – but not dancing.

"She's practicing being a desk jockey," El interjected teasingly.

She rolled her eyes. "Ha, ha. I need to talk to the Captain."

She hadn't talked to Elliot about where her head was at about returning to ass-duty. She didn't need him trying to talk her out of it. It was her life and her job. It was her decision – and it was something for her to talk to Will about, not El.

She looked up and away from the guys at that. Cragen hadn't come out with Elliot, though his door was open, and she was fairly sure he would've heard her and Noah's voices. So it likely meant he was busy. It didn't look like it though. So she decided to pull herself from the banter and headed over to his door and tapped on the frame.

He looked up at her and gave her a thin smile. But he looked somewhat distracted.

"Do you have a minute?" she asked.

He gestured for her to come in but rubbed at his temple. "I just was on the phone about you," he said.

She nodded and closed the door behind her. "Comp care or D.L.?"

He sighed. "Both."

She nodded again and took a seat in front of his desk. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about too."

"You know something I don't know?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Probably not. Do you know where the doctors are at with my D.L.?"

He nodded and met her eyes.

"Have you submitted your recommendation about my return to work yet?" she asked.

She knew that everything was headed into the powers that be at that point – it was why she was there. She wanted to talk to him before he filed his own paperwork. She wanted him to hear her opinion and take it into consideration. She wanted her personal views at least heard by someone before she officially ended up on the roster again and then had to deal with another pile of shit to navigate that – and to get off. Then it would be something that would appear on her employment record. This way – maybe it wouldn't look quite as bad. Maybe it could just look like an extended disability leave.

He tapped his pen on the form in front of him on the desk. "Working on it," he said.

She sighed and rubbed at her eyebrow. "I know what the doctors are saying physically," she said. "I don't know what Ashley's report said. But I'm telling you, Captain, I'm not ready to come back yet. I'd appreciate if you'd consider reflecting that in your recommendation."

Her and Will had talked about it all almost obsessively over the past several nights. But there was no way around it – she wasn't ready to go back yet as far as she was concerned, not mentally or physically. It was about more than just the shooting with her. It wasn't just recovery from a life-and-death experience or healing from a bullet wound or getting used to changed breathing. That was all just a layer on top of what her life had looked like for the past 18 months. It was about Noah and when all that was combined with her son's illness – she just wasn't in the right place to be back on the job. She knew it. She'd accepted it. And, she'd also accepted that she had other places that not only did she need to be – she'd much rather be. Her son needed her right now. They had a few more hurdles to get over before he was back on track – and she wanted to be there for it. And she was going to be. She'd be doing whatever was necessary to make that a reality.

Cragen looked at her and put down his pen. She looked at the ceiling.

"There's been a lot going on with Noah," she said flatly. "It's made the recovery even more challenging. I need to be home with my son. I'd prefer that to go on the record as just my disability extending. But if that can't be accommodated – I'm going to push for compassionate care to cover it. And, if I hit walls there, Captain, I'm going to be filling for a leave of absence."

He gave her sad eyes. She saw the concern in him – about her, but that's not what he asked. "How is Noah?"

She shook her head. Really that question would probably give him more answers about her than if he'd asked directly anyway.

"Not good," she said and looked down. "His counts haven't been good. They're having to inject some of the chemo into his nervous system now. That didn't go well. I need to be home with my son. My head – and my body – it's just not in this right now, Captain. I'm not ready to come back."

He looked down at the form in front of him and sighed. "What do you want me to write?"

"That I need more time …" she said flatly.

"You know the length of your absence on D.L. will still appear in your jacket? That it will show when the doctors approved your return?"

She nodded and rubbed her eyebrow. "I know. Did the shrink approve my return?"

He sighed. "No," he said quietly.

She nodded. "I'd appreciate if you agreed with her – I'm not ready yet."


	201. Chapter 201

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia smiled as they made their way across the street from Elliot's vehicle and over to the driveway of May and Ted's house. She'd initially been a little annoyed that even her and Will apparently weren't being allowed to park in any of the driveways or the garages of his family – especially when they'd wrangled Elliot into being their ride out to the Island. They'd been relegated to parking on the street – likely much to the annoyance of the McTeague neighbours – just like the rest of the wedding guests.

She knew that May and Ted had advised at least half the block, if not half the Island, that they'd be hosting their son's wedding and reception that week – so they could expect some noise throughout the afternoon and well into the evening. Not to mention extra cars on the street and generalized rowdiness, smells, smoke and music. Most of the authorities – fire and cops – had also been given a heads up by the sounds of it too. Given the McTeague name and that it was a police wedding – even if the neighbours didn't much like the to-do happening, complaining wasn't likely going to accomplish very much, unless something particularly unsavoury started to happen in the backyards. But that just wasn't going to happen.

The street was used to decades of the McTeague craziness anyways. But Olivia didn't think they usually had to put up with an extra function interrupting their weekend lives at the end of October, especially when it looked like most of them were preparing for a potential hurricane rather than the McTeagues, who might as well be throwing an End of Days party. The scurrying around the city about the pending storm seemed more like End of Days behaviour, though. You couldn't much tell that a storm may or may not be heading for the city that morning. The skies were clear and blue and the wind was almost non-existent. It was so still. It felt more like summer than it did the end of October. There'd been a sudden spike in temperature. It looked like perfect weather for the day – almost too good to be true. She hoped that it stayed that way and there wasn't a nasty surprise about to blow ashore.

Her annoyance about the imposed parking situation - ending up halfway down the block already - faded as they got in front of the house. There was a chalkboard sandwich board at the end of the driveway with N.O.W. written vertically down the left side with Noah, Olivia, Will coming off each letter in smaller block writing. WEDDING it declared across the rest of the board in the brightly coloured pastels of the chalk. THIS WAY! it added with an arrow point up the driveway. It was further decorated with chalk drawings of leaves and pumpkins. The pumpkins were only further accented by the rows of them lining the driveway, making a little pathway leading to his parents' back gate.

"It looks like your parents bought out a pumpkin patch," Olivia commented at Will, but gave him a sincere smile and reached for his hand, giving it a tight squeeze and then lacing her fingers with his.

"They're here!" Olivia heard near shrieked from the front of the house and looked up from admiring the A-frame to see May standing at the front steps of the house.

The woman was soon joined by Ted and the two of them came down to meet them at the foot of the driveway.

"You're here!" May reaffirmed again, leaning in on her tippy-toes to give Will a peck on the cheek, before stepping over to Olivia and offering the same.

Olivia accepted the gestured and returned the small hug, no matter how strange and awkward it still felt to her to accept the affections from Will's mother and to return them. It wasn't a day to be too stingy about that, though.

"Oh, we're so glad to see you. Thank you for driving them Elliot!" May declared.

El just offered her a bit of a patronizing smile and raised his eyebrows slightly. May wasn't exactly Elliot's favourite personality type either. Olivia got the sense that even in his extremely limited interactions with the woman, he was just doing his best to tolerate her. That's about the way Olivia had felt in her early interactions with May. Though, she still wasn't sure what to make of the woman and her mothering half-the-time, she'd at least come to appreciate the sincerity behind them. May was full of best intentions, even if she showed them in rather overbearing and exuberantly enthusiastic ways most of the tie.

"Are you excited?" May asked, her voice clearly dripping with her own excitement that the day was finally there.

But Olivia wasn't really sure how excited Will or her were. It wasn't that they weren't excited. They were both just nervous. Bring their two worlds together as guests in close quarters. Standing in front of them all - not in their usual armours of casual clothing. Making a statement of their love and commitment to each other. It all felt a little more official, a little more serious than filling out some paperwork at city hall and signing it again in front of the judge. Now they'd really be accountable to the people around them. Their success or failure at being a married couple would be under the microscope of the people they cared about.

It wasn't just that, though. It was accepting that if her and Will and Noah were going to have a good time at the event – to be the people they usually were with each other – they were going to have to let down some of their walls and the charades they played in front of their families and at work. They were going to have to let all these people in on their real lives a bit more. Olivia thought that was a hard thing for both of them. It was stepping outside of the little bubble and the imposed boundaries they created for the people around them. The day was about exposing themselves in a very different and real way than what her or Will were really used to. It was nerve-wrecking.

Thankfully Noah was excited enough for all of them – and he managed to distract Nana.

"WE GET CUPCAKES!" Noah declared. "I want chocolate."

May smiled at that and took her little grandson's cheeks in her hands and just glowed at him. She clearly had still been puttering in the kitchen at that point in the day and had her apron still hanging over her front. Olivia almost wouldn't be surprised if someone had to remind her to take it off and come out for the wedding.

She was sure the woman would be fussing about the food throughout the entire day – and night, even though they'd decided to have part of it catered for simplicity's sake. Will's parents hadn't agreed to let them have it all catered. After-all, they could handle this-and-that-and-the-other thing, they'd claimed – and it would save Will and Olivia money. Though, it had meant that Will's parents had taken on a significant portion of the costs of the wedding. Olivia didn't really want to think about exactly how much. She knew that Ted and May wouldn't let them pay any of it back. In fact, whenever they tried to broach the topic with them Will's parents would just cliam that they'd borrowed such-and-such from here-or-there and acted like most of it had just been favours they'd called in or freebies. Olivia wasn't sure how much she was buying into that. But with everything else going on in their lives, they'd eventually just relented and let Ted and May putter at the day the way they wanted with some laid-out guidelines about what her and Will wanted.

It was better for everyone that way really. It made Ted and May feel useful and they were so excited to get to be involved in this wedding in any way – especially when Will hadn't let them do anything beyond attend at his previous marriage. Olivia knew that May wouldn't be happy if she didn't get to spend some time in the kitchen. And, Ted wouldn't be happy if he didn't get to spend some time hovering around the grill and chatting at the guests while piling meat on their plates in amounts that likely only young firefighters coming off shift could manage to ingest.

"Oh, sweetheart, we have lots and lots of cupcakes for you," May said. "Chocolate and vanilla and carrot and red velvet. You can try them all!"

Will shook his head. "You can try two," he said.

"Nana said!" Noah protested.

"Two," Will stressed and held up two fingers to match, giving his mother a look. Grandma thought she could get away with about anything when it came to her grandchildren – especially Noah, since she only got to see him a couple times a month. Since seeing him wasn't a daily affair the spoiling was that much more prominent. Ted was almost worse about it than May.

"Let's not bicker about baked goods," Ted suggested, though, with his usual rumble of sternness. He looked to Olivia. "Let's take you around back so you can see that we've got everything in order."

She gave him a small smile. It was a moment she'd been waiting for and dreading a little. They'd left so much of preparing the venue in the hands of May and Ted. Her and Will just didn't have the time or the stamina after her shooting to be able to handle it. So they'd started letting go and just having to trust that his parents were listening to them when they said they wanted something casual. They had to trust that they knew her and Will well enough to hopefully have some idea about what each of them liked. Olivia wasn't sure how true that was for either of them, though. Will seemed to feel that his family didn't truly know him and Olivia just really hadn't let them in enough for them to really know her, she admitted. So she wasn't sure what they would've come up with. But she was hoping after years of hosting barbeques in the backyards, they would've just implemented something as similar and as basic. She'd be happy with that.

They started to wander up the drive between the rows of pumpkins of all shapes and sizes. Olivia noticed that every couple of feet there was a pumpkin that had been carved out and had holes drilled in it – making lanterns that it was apparent would likely be lit up as the evening wore on.

As they got to the back gate there was an arch sitting just before it – autumn-tinged leaves adorning it.

"We had the kids work on that for you," Ted told her. "Made them a little more agreeable about raking the yards this year."

She smiled and looked at it. The fall colours on the little wooden gateway were really beautiful. She gave Will another smile and he squeezed her hand in return.

Just before the gate there was an entry bench with a picket sign sticking out of its back declaring, "Write Inspiration!" in big letters, adding in smaller text, "for Will and Olivia before setting foot through the door" with a several black markers sitting across the seat along with two little books that were clearly full of quotes and Bible verses.

Ted touched the side of the oak structure. It's tall back had pegs to hang coats off of, along with a little shelf for hats and what-not that would end up in an entryway. It was clear too that the bench itself flipped up to be reveal a storage bin – to tuck away even more items that made their way into a foyer or needed to be grabbed while heading out a front door.

"This is part of your wedding present from May and I," Ted informed her. "I made it up for you."

She gaped at him and examined it more. She knew that Ted did woodworking. He was always off puttering in his garage if he wasn't sitting in front of a sports match on the television. She'd seen other bits of his handiwork around the house – the dining room table, toy boxes in the family rooms of Rob's and Tom's houses, the porch swing that she'd sat chatting with Becky on in the past. But there'd never been an offer to make anything for her and Will – nor had any gift materialized at any holiday. It hadn't been something that Olivia had ever wanted to broach – even though she had eyed the toy boxes and had seen the hope chest at the foot of the bed in May and Ted's bedroom. They were things that she thought might be nice to have too. But it also didn't really seem like the kind of hobby or the kind of gifts that you should just be asking for.

"Ted …" she sputtered a bit. She didn't know what to say really. She was feeling guilty about having previously thought that them not having one of Ted's efforts in their home was the family again kind of ignoring or not including Will in their little community. "I …" she shook her head and gave him a smile. "I don't know what to say. It's too beautiful for people to be writing on though."

"Well it's too late for that," he said and pushed some of the markers aside on the bench for her to take a look. "May and I already got it started for you."

"The Road goes ever on and on, Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the road has gone, And I most follow if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way, Where many paths and errands meet," had been written in small block letters in the one corner of the bench.

"But don't worry," Ted added. "We've got something else for you that we won't let the vagrants graffiti."

Olivia shook her head and looked at him again from having admired the quote. "You weren't supposed to get us anything," she protested weakly.

"We didn't get you anything," Ted clarified. "We just made it up."

Will gave her hand a small squeeze again and glanced at her. "Thanks, Dad," he offered. "We really love it."

Will was speaking for both of them. He knew she did – and he was so right. She didn't know how they were going to get it home, she supposed one of his brothers would throw it in the back of their pick-up or SUV. She was already plotting on how to rearrange their front foyer a bit to get it to fit. It'd fit. She'd make it fit.

"We need to get you all fingerprinted before heading in," Ted said and gestured at the table sitting next to the entryway bench.

The table was covered with a white cloth with a slotted box labeled "Cards & Gifts" at the one end. But the majority of the table was taken up by a giant white piece of cardstock that had a bare tree painted in black on it. At the bottom of the tree, it again listed of the three of their names: Will, Olivia & Noah. Little ink-blotters of fall colours – red, yellow and orange - were sitting off to the side, along with a little dish containing a wetted sponge.

"Let's do Noey first," Ted said and took the little boy by the shoulders guiding him to the table. "What colour are you, grandson?"

Noah examined the choices. "RED!" he said with firm certainty after some consideration.

Ted flipped opened the red blotter and took Noah's hand, forming it into a fist leaving his thumb held up straight and dabbed it into the ink. The man then scooped up the boy and hovered him above the print – tapping on one of the many branches at the top of the tree.

"You jab that thumb right there, Noey," he told him.

Noah seemed pretty enthusiastic about the apparent art project and clearly and firmly pressed his finger against the paper.

"Now yellow, Popa!" he said as he finished.

Ted shook his head. "One each, Noey. Let's do Mom and Dad."

He nodded at them and Olivia smiled and looked at Will. She liked this idea too. She'd mentioned in passing to May ages ago that she'd seen a kit that was a similar idea to what was sitting in front of them – a unique guest book that Olivia could actually see them looking at again sometime. But this took it a step further. This was something they could actually use. This was something that would end up framed and on a wall in their living room or bedroom.

"What colour do you want?" she asked Will.

"Oh, I'm definitely yellow," he said.

She smiled more. "Good. I wanted orange."

They both stepped forward and added their thumbprint leaves on either side of Noah's – working at filling out their new family tree.

"Get in there Stabler," Ted demanded gruffly.

Elliot didn't quarrel, though, and moved towards the table, giving Olivia a look, before sticking his thumb in the red and adding his own print down a branch from where the three of them had left theirs. Ted and May then stepped up and added theirs to the tree as well, with Olivia watching.

Her hand found the small of Will's back and rested it there – and he turned to give her a smile. They weren't even in the backyard yet and the whole thing was already more than she expected. She wasn't sure how casual it was – but it didn't feel high-strung. It felt right.

"Com'on then," Ted said gesturing through the arch. "Let's good on in."

Olivia took Will's hand again and walked under the archway with him – having a minor flashback to the first time she'd been over to Ted and May's house with Will. How awkward it'd been – how badly the visit and introduction had gone – how long she'd stood outside that gate trying to decide if it really was a good idea to step inside. But she'd stepped inside and her life had looked progressively more and more difference since then.

Her mouth dropped again as they go under it and through the gate. Along the entire outside wall of the house were pictures. She'd reluctantly given May the box of the few school photos that she had had of herself. Prints had clearly been made and matted and framed to hang along a wire strung the entire length of the wall.

"Oh my God," Olivia said a bit and glanced at Will and then El as they looked at the first. It was three baby photos – her and Will and Noah.

"Cute baby," Elliot teased her. "Look at those chubby cheeks."

She shook her head. "Shut up."

"Noah had them too," Will said, gesturing between the two pictures and then reaching to grab their son and resting him on his hip so he could see better. "Don't you think you and Mommy looked a like when you were babies?"

"That's Mommy?" Noah asked and gazed at it.

"That's Mommy," Will agreed.

She hadn't ever really shown Noah any pictures from her childhood yet. She had so few. Really all she had was these – pictures that were taken each school year. But they walked down them, looking at them both growing and the evolving hairstyles and clothes styles over the years. May had paired the grades Olivia had available with school pictures from the same academic year of Will's.

"Now I know the real reason you guys shaved his head," Elliot teased again as they walked past the photos, many of which from Will's earlier years showed off his mess of curls, puffing off the top of his head.

"Oh, Will had such beautiful hair when he was a little boy," May interjected, completely oblivious to the teasing and likely to how much Will actually hated his hair.

As they finished out the school photos there were then a collection of Noah. The first showed Olivia with him as a newborn – followed by two more of her with him as an infant and little one-year-old. But then Will appeared – so quickly in a lot of ways, even though he'd missed those first two years, it almost seemed most days like he'd always been there. Noah's second through sixth year showed him with both of his parents – just further illustrating how quickly they'd become a family and how long they'd actually been one, even if it had taken them a while to admit it and accept it.

The row of photos ended with Noah's own first two school photos from kindergarten and Grade 1 and a small collection of pictures of Will and Olivia and their family. Work, play, home. There were a couple of her and Elliot – one looking rather serious and another where they looked rather goofy. There was another of her at a table with the guys from the squad at a detective dinner function. There was one of her with her mother from long ago. There was Will and his brothers. Will and his parents. Will at the finish line of his last triathlon. Will lecturing in front of a business group and another with him and some of the grad students that he'd mentored and grown particularly close to over the year. But it was mostly her and Will and Noah – being goofy and happy and silly – at the park, at the playground, at the pool, at the community centre, at the house, at the hospital, at Yankees Stadium, at Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Olivia was finding it almost amazing and a little startling to see all the photos together and how happy and at ease the three of them looked in the pictures. Even amid everything – May and Ted had managed to find so many photos of them smiling and laughing. Some times it felt like there were more tears than smiles in their lives anymore – but looking at the pictures, you wouldn't know it. Olivia wondered if maybe they still took the smiles too much for granted and didn't recognize them happening often enough. But Will did make her smile, he made her laugh, and Noah did the same - like no other. She wrapped her arm around Will's back in a small half-hug as they examined the last little clump of pictures, before placing a kiss on his jaw and giving her son a smile while rubbing his bicep where he still rested against his dad's side. Her boys. Her little family.

As they rounded the corner the backyard – their venue – finally came into view, and Olivia's jaw dropped again. This definitely didn't look the way the yard looked for the McTeague's annual barbeques. It looked like a wedding was actually being held there – not just some outdoor barbeque. It was clearly done up for an event – not just burgers, mingling and beer.

The fences between the three yards had been removed and the venue spanned the entire area of the three houses. A sign post that had clearly been done up by Tom and Rob's kids was right at the corner of the house with directional arrows pointing every-which way. WEDDING! said one pointing off towards Tom's yard. DANCING! MUSIC! and S'MORES! said three more pointing to Rob's yard. FOOD! and BEER! pointed to the porch. HAPPY COUPLE! pointed near straight ahead.

They were clearly standing in the dining area with the round tables and the wooden, folding chairs taking up most of the yard and even streaming partially into Rob's. The tables were covered with white table clothes while at the centre of each was a bottle holding flowers that again showed off the fall colours of yellow, orange and red. Surrounding each makeshift vase were little gourds and a few tea-light candles waiting to be lit. There were also little wooden boxes containing pencils and Mad Libs for marriage advice to the couple from the guests. Olivia was a little concerned about what sort of advice they'd be getting from some of the guests. She thought Munch's might be particularly amusing. Really – any of the guys should be a wealth of sarcastic insight.

The places at each table had already been set with Rice Krispies treats (one of Noah's favourites) that must've taken May ages to make sitting at the centre of each plate. The treats had seen Will's mother dye the cereal orange and shape the mixture into little balls – creating their own miniature pumpkins, complete with a Tootsie Roll (one of Will's few junk food indulgences) stem and a green leaf tag that contained the name of the person assigned to each spot. Sitting on the plates too were the menu cards that her and Elliot had spent all those hours fiddling with – and off to the side of each plate was the little spice jars containing the party favours of colourful corn-nuts and candy corn.

The long wedding party table was sitting directly in front of them – clearly meaning that they were all going to be put on display for everyone. She was a little concerned too to see that it looked like a podium had been rented or dragged from somewhere and was sitting at the one end of the table, along with a little amp and microphone. Though, she wasn't entirely surprised given Elliot's advisement that at least him and Rob would be giving little speeches at the dinner. She could only hope that it wasn't going to be too embarrassing or horrifying – and that no one else besides them talked!

On Ted and May's porch she could see that the barbecues from the other two boys' houses had been dragged over and added to a collection that Will's father was likely going to take great joy in manning. At the bottom of the steps there was sign that indicated: CHEFS, COOKS and BARTENDERS ONLY!

On the porch too there was another table that looked entirely overloaded with various alcohol options. Olivia had suspected that might be happening based on all the wringing her and Will had heard from people about the "bring your own" aspect of the party. Fin's little comment the day before about stocking up the bar had made her suspect it wasn't going to be as much of a dry event as she might've hoped. But at a gathering that was mainly going to be attended by cops and firefighters, she really couldn't have honestly expected that there wouldn't be spirits and beer flowing.

The canoe that they'd had along with them on the camping trip in the summer was sitting along the bottom of the porch with two antique washbasins of May's. Everything was filled with ice and bottles of beer along with soda pop, juice and iced tea were already shoved amidst the ice to begin the chilling process. Meanwhile, along the far side of the porch another long table had clearly been set up to serve as the buffet line when the food did get brought out. It looked rather bare and vacant at the moment – but it was certainly big enough that enough food to feed a small army could be placed on it.

Strings of lights were strung above the three yards for when it started to get dark. Some white paper lanterns hung from the lights as well - and on each and every tree in the yard more lights had been wrapped around their trunks. Here and there, Olivia too could see that extension cords had been run out to set up some infrared patio heaters for if it did start to cool off.

Off in Rob's yard, she could see that most of the space had been left to turn the grassy yard into a dance floor. More speakers were set up around the area and a table was off in the corner with more cords running to it. It was clear that likely one of Rob's teens had been working at setting up the area so laptops and iPods could be plugged in easily for the musical arrangement. Will had dragged along their iPod with a playlist he'd spent a considerable amount of time stressing about and refining.

In the opposite corner of his brother's yard there was the fire pit set up for the bonfire that Olivia was sure all the kids were going to adore. Some stumps had been set around it. She also noticed that several guitars were sitting out on stands – though she was a little concerned at anyone breaking out into a campfire sing-along, especially after people started getting alcohol into their systems. She didn't want to think about what Will might get up to if he decided he was a rock hero or karaoke star. A table was also already set up near the pit too containing all the makings for marshmallows and S'mores, along with the sticks to do the roasting.

Meanwhile, in Tom's yard at the opposite end of the set-up, rows of chairs had been put out for people to sit and watch the ceremony. Another little archway decorated with the colourful leaves was at the front of the area. A little table sat in front of it for when they finally managed to get up there to complete the little unity ritual her and Will had agreed to. More pumpkins too occupied the area, which really was a simple space. Out of everything in the backyard – it was the simplest. But that's how Olivia wanted it too.

They were already married. This was just reaffirming their commitment to their family and friends. The evening was supposed to be about everyone getting to spend time together. It was about a party: dancing and food. The ceremony wasn't supposed to be the centerpiece of the afternoon.

"All good?" Ted asked, as Olivia continued to take in the scene, squeezing Will's hand tightly.

"Can we make S'mores now?" Noah asked before she could answer.

Olivia laughed and took a hold of one of Noah's hands with her free one. "Not until it's dark, sweets. After dinner."

He made a bit of a sulky face at that but she shook her head at him.

"It looks great," Will told his father and looked at his wife. "Just … wow. It's a lot more than we were expecting."

Ted nodded firmly at that. "Good," he said and patted at Elliot's shoulder. "We had a lot of help from this one too – and your brothers."

Olivia gaped at Elliot.

He shrugged. "Maid of honour has got to give his input into these kinds of things. Kathy's been a wedding widow in the evenings this week."

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Great. Will make her real happy."

"I think she's more excited about today than you," Elliot teased.

"OK," Ted interjected, though. "If it's all good – let's get you two separated. William, we've got you and Noah all set up in Tom's. Olivia – you and Stabler are upstairs," he added and nodded towards the back door.

She snorted at his drill sergeant tone. It was so Ted. "OK," she said. But she wasn't planning to jump on the order right then. Apparently she didn't have much choice in the matter, though. May grabbed onto her elbow.

"Oh, Dear, I'm so excited to see you in your dress," she exclaimed and started dragging her towards the door. "Let's start getting you ready – before people start to get here. We only have a few more hours."

"I don't think I need a few hours to put a dress on," she mumbled a bit, but May already had her halfway up the back porch with Elliot following behind them.

"Ah… OK, I'll see you later," Will called after her, still holding onto Noah and looking a little perplexed about them suddenly being torn apart.

Ted slapped his son loudly on the back at that. "You'll be seeing her every day for the rest of your life, Willie. Com'on," he said and started nudging him across the yard in the direction of Tom's house.


	202. Chapter 202

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was finding it a little strange to spend the few hours before the wedding without Will by her side. She actually thought it was increasing her nervousness about the ceremony. She'd become so used to having Will by her side anymore outside of work to provide little calming looks or silly distractions – even in the most stressful scenarios. Him not being there right now seemed like a piece of her – of the day - was missing.

She'd put up some fuss about them already being married – and really not needing three hours to do her hair and make-up and put on her dress. That seemed like a little much. She never really spent that much time in front of the mirror ever. She thought now would be a strange time to start – even if it was technically their wedding. But every time she mentioned it, May had balked.

"He can't see you in your wedding dress," she'd protested. "It's bad luck!"

Olivia had rubbed at her eyebrow. "I don't think we really believe in luck, May, and even if we do – I don't think our luck could get much worse, whether he sees me in the dress or not. We're already married anyway."

She'd just shook her head. "It's tradition!"

Most arguments with May were a losing battle – so eventually she'd just retreated upstairs and worked at whatever she was supposed to be doing to prep for the ceremony. It felt a little strange to be doing her dressing in the bedroom of Will's parents. But it had been the only bedroom upstairs with a mirror and a dressing table.

It also was becoming apparent why maids of honour should be female friends – or at least gay friends. Elliot was no help with anything. Though, he'd awkwardly knocked on the door a several times to ask if her needed a hand with anything. But what was he supposed to do? Help her with her hair? Decide whether she'd overdone it with make-up? Zip the back of her dress for her? She wasn't about to ask him for help with any of those things. Though, she had managed to cajole him into going to get Noah for her to see at one point – to make sure that the men had actually gotten him dressed in a reasonable manner. Some days she wasn't sure Will knew how to dress himself (God, she hoped that one of his brothers or his dad was knotting his tie for him or it'd be an awful, uneven mess. Though, he'd never live down STILL not knowing how to do it for himself) – let alone trusting him with something like outfitting Noah on their big day.

"Mommy!" Noah had exclaimed happily as he came trotting into the room a glowing face of smiles and excitement.

Noah was so thrilled about the day and about all the attention he was getting from his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. He was being made to feel very special and was so excited to "make our family official!", which was the best way they'd figured out how to explain it all to him. He'd been up-and-down the night before with almost the same amount of excitement he'd shown before their trip to Florida - and he had just been glowing all morning.

He was a ball of nervous energy. It was the happiest and most energetic she'd seen her son in weeks. She just hoped that he didn't crash and burn – or overdo it and hurt himself in the process. But she was watching him carefully – and she knew Will would be next door too. Still, she wished they'd been able to get him down for a nap before the ceremony. Noah had no interest in that, though. She would be curious to see how far into the evening he made it before he passed out from complete exhaustion.

He came flying at her with Elliot trailing a bit behind him. "YOU LOOK PRETTY, MOM!" he declared and wrapped her in a hug.

She hugged him back and stroked at his cheek. "And, you look so handsome," she told her little boy, pulling him away from her slightly to not wrinkle the dress too much.

Noah looked almost like a miniature version of what Will was slated to be wearing. The British-coloured khaki of his Irish linen, vested suit – paired with the light blue of a rustic pinpoint shirt. His dad had already rolled up and folded his sleeves for the little boy – in fashion preference that was so Will; always heading into anything with his sleeves rolled up and ready to get the job done.

They'd splurged and bought Noah some brown wing tips shoes, even though they knew there was a good chance he'd outgrow them before they had reason to put him in them again. But the little boy was so excited to have "shoes like Daddy!" She thought she son was about as in love with the style of shoes as Will. Though Noah's fascination with them seemed to be more about getting to count the little dots of the proliferated detailing. He'd pointed out to her before that it was just like the connect-the-dots in some of his activity books they had for at the hospital. The comment had promoted her to tell him he wasn't to try to connect those dots with anything but his fingertip.

Noah's outfit was rounded out with a little dark navy pique bow tie, whereas Will would be wearing just a tie. Olivia didn't need to see her husband in the clothing to know that the colouring of the shirt and tie were just going to bring out his beautiful eyes so much.

Having now seen Elliot dressed for the wedding – and her son clothed – she was starting to understand his teasing Irish and 'potato farmer' comments just a bit. Elliot and Rob were wearing pants that were slightly darker than Will's and Noah's and their shirts were a solid off-white. Their ties checked in a similar blue to Will's and her son's shirt. But rather than a vest or sports jacket – they were simply in brown suspenders.

"I look like Cragen," Elliot had teased again after he'd finished changing and had come in once again to check on her.

It had earned a bit of a laugh – as she admired the outfit that she was just now getting to see and that neither her partner nor Will had done a very good job at describing for her.

"I think you pull off the suspenders better than the Captain," she'd told him.

She actually thought he looked rather smart. But it was definitely a look that would be more modeled on Will's thoughts and preferences. They'd wanted casual, though – and she wanted Will to be comfortable. Will didn't wear suits or ties often. It would be strange to see him in that if he'd opted to wear a jacket or had put on a tux. It would've looked evens stranger if Will had gone more casual while El and Rob were in complete suits.

"Is Daddy all ready?" she asked her son on his visit, tugging his button-vest down a bit more and adjust his little newies cap on the top of his head. The outfit made him look so little and so grown-up at the same time. She wanted to take about a thousand pictures of him.

"Daddy says he's nervous," Noah informed her.

She smiled and took his hands shaking them in hers. "When you go back – you can tell Daddy that Mommy is too. Are you nervous, sweets?"

Noah shook his head hard. "NO! It's going to be fun Mom!"

"You think so?"

He nodded hard. It only made her smile more and she bent forward from the stool at the dressing table and placed a kiss smack in the centre of his forehead, only to have to take her thumb and rub at the lipstick after doing so.

She hadn't gone crazy with the make-up. She never put on much and didn't want to go into the ceremony not looking like her – especially after she'd expressed to Will that she wanted him to look like him. She knew Will wasn't much for women going crazy with the make-up either. He wanted her to be her too. That's how they knew each other and how they loved each other. They didn't need to do anything too special or too different from whom they were for big day.

But even as Noah had provided her with a few minutes of distraction – it hadn't nearly been enough – and soon Elliot had taken him back over to the other house to be with his dad and the rest of the men. She was sure Elliot would've been more comfortable over there too. Instead, he was stuck checking in-and-out on her and sitting down in the living room with May and Will's sister-in-laws, as well as Tom and Rob's daughters. El knew how to make chit-chat with women, Olivia knew that. But given the option, he probably would've preferred to be next door puffing chests with the guys and getting in on whatever teasing Will was having to endure.

Karen had come upstairs a couple times too and offered some help. It was easier to accept from her than Elliot, though still a little awkward. It would've been more awkward if the offer had been coming from May or Becky, though. At least she kind of got along with Karen. Their personalities were more a like. She knew how to hold a conversation with the woman.

She'd offered some help and insight on her hair. Olivia hadn't put a lot of thought into what she was going to do with it ahead of time. That had been a bit of a mistake. She likely would've been better off having scheduled an appointment and gone into a salon and stylist in the morning. But she hadn't thought of it and it was too late now. Really – she always had been a little impulsive in her decisions about her hair, with good and bad results.

She knew it probably didn't much matter what she did with it anyway. Will almost never seemed to notice when she changed it. It had to be something pretty drastic for him to even sit looking at her funny for a while, until finally questioning hours later, "Did you do something to your hair?" Sometimes he was such a stereotypical guy – for all the ways he wasn't.

Olivia had played around with her hair for some time – mostly as a way to kill time at that point and to distract herself. She'd been grateful, though, that she'd managed to grow her hair to a length that at least she had options and had avoided the impulse to chop it off again. And, there had been definite moments over the past 18 months where she'd wanted to – between the time spent in the hospital and not getting to wash it and care for it often enough and wanting to show solidarity with Noah and her repeatedly considering chopping, cutting and shaving her own head.

Karen had sat at the foot of the bed and offered some suggestions and had eventually stood and helped a bit. Though, when the other woman stepped forward and touched her hair for the first time, adjusting it to show what she meant in her suggestion, it had taken Olivia a little off-guard. It had been so long since she had had a female friend that she'd have that kind of discussion with or allow to touch her being in that way. But it'd been helpful – and eventually she'd settled on a simple neck-grazing hair-knot. Karen had disappeared back to her and Rob's home and had eventually returned with a simple but beautifully textured clip with a small bejeweling at the one end - just to add a small something to the makeshift and make-do styling effort.

But with the hair and make-up done and the dress on, Olivia was now just sitting there alone, not really sure what she was supposed to be doing as the last 45 minutes or so ticked down until the ceremony. The window in the bedroom looked out onto the street – so she could see the roadway becoming more clogged with cars and had observed some of their guests arriving. But she couldn't see the hubbub going on in the backyard – and she kind of wanted to. Though, she thought looking at it might just make her more nervous.

At that point, she was thinking about going downstairs and seeking Elliot out. The least he could do was provide some distraction for her – before she really started to have second thoughts about all of this. Before she became too self-conscious and too embarrassed about having to stand up in front of all the people she knew dressed like this.

May knocked on the frame of the open door and Olivia looked up and over at her – pulling herself from her churning thoughts and growing nerves. It was a little silly, she thought, that with the job she did, something like standing in front of a small crowd of people in a dress to get married when she was already actually married was making her stomach feel so full of butterflies. She offered May a small smile – and the woman took that as an open invitation to step into the room.

"Oh, you look so beautiful, Olivia," she told her.

Olivia could feel the sincerity behind it and felt herself blush a bit. It was what people were supposed to say at weddings. But it wasn't exactly something she was used to hearing on a regular basis. It seemed to be about the first thing out of people's mouths that day. She really didn't like having that much attention doted on her, but she supposed that was what weddings were about too.

May was about bursting with excitement that day – almost at a similar level as Noah. It was likely best they were in separate houses or the two of them would likely just be hyping each other up more. But Will's mother just seemed so astonished and grateful that they were actually really and truly getting married – and that her and Ted were getting to be so much a part of it. May usually had a smile on her face but today she just seemed to be aglow. Olivia imagined even if the hurricane hit at that moment it wouldn't bring May down. She seemed to be in all-out celebration mode and near every second sentence out of her mouth seemed to include the word "family".

Will's mother came closer to her - where she was again sitting at the dressing table and looking at herself in the mirror, trying to decide if she should do more to herself or to less. Really she was just getting used to looking at herself and seeing herself like that. She wasn't sure she ever really expected to see herself in a wedding dress. It was almost like it was another person looking back at her from the other side of the mirror.

May touched her shoulder and smiled at her in the reflection. It was such a gentle and affectionate gesture. But it wasn't one Olivia had felt in a long time – if ever from her own mother. It caused a momentary sting somewhere behind her eyes.

She'd been thinking about her mother a bit that day – that she was missing this. She wasn't sure her mother would've wanted to be there – if she would've approved. Olivia wasn't even sure if she would've wanted her mother there. Yet, it still somehow felt like someone was missing. A lot of times it did. A piece of her just wasn't there – her past, where she'd come from.

Olivia really wished her mother had been able to see her settle into a happy, normal life – to have a beautiful little son and a loving, caring man to be her husband. She'd found things that her own mother had never been able to.

May held a little jewelry box down and in front of her. "Will asked me to bring this up to you," May informed her.

Olivia gave her a bit of a questioning look and then looked at the box even more questioningly. From the small stamp on the box she could see that whatever was inside was from the jeweler where they'd gotten their wedding bands – the same jeweler that made the pendants that she usually had hanging around her neck. Though she'd taken them off that day, opting instead for a simple pendant with a single diamond in it - just enough to have something sitting on her chest and to add some sparkle.

It seemed strange to her to see the box. Her and Will had decided they were going to leave on their wedding bands. They wouldn't be exchanging rings – they'd already done that months ago. But she wondered if he'd changed his mind and was sending over the box for her to place hers in to give to the officiant.

"Well aren't you going to open it?" May asked excitedly. "Something new!"

Olivia glanced at her. She wasn't sure that her and Will had tried to meet the old mantra of "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." But she supposed they might be unintentionally getting there - if this was in fact new. She supposed that Will and Noah had on blue. She had something borrowed in her hair now. And, she had something old to give to Will later. Though, she thought, it was her that was supposed to be carrying them all for good luck. She didn't much believe in luck, as she'd told May repeatedly already during the day. But with how her stomach was knotting – she was starting to think she might need it.

She took a bit of a deep breath and popped open the box. May gasped more excitement before Olivia even had a chance to react. The necklace she was looking at was beautiful. The gold chain had an angel's wing hanging off of it, along with a little gold heart accented by multiple diamonds. It was delicate and intricate – and was this perfect balance of gold and sparkle. Discrete yet beautiful – the way she liked her jewelry to be.

There was a folded little piece of white paper shoved into the lid of the box and she took it out and slowly unfolded it – running her finger along Will's scrawl in the black ink.

"A gift celebrating love, friendship and courage – for my love, my friend and the most courageous person I know," the note said. "Love, Will."

She felt her eyes water a bit and she continued to rub her thumb across Will's messy writing. She was almost more memorized by it than the necklace.

Will was such a gentle man with such a gentle heart. Sometimes she still didn't know how she managed to end up with him – and how he hadn't gone running away. He had so many reasons to but he'd stayed by her side, through it all and so much of it had been bullshit and a load he didn't have any reason to take on – yet he had, and continued to. He liked to tell her she was courageous, that she was strong. But he sold himself short, she thought. Will was one of the strongest and most courageous people she knew too. He'd dealt with his own hardships, his own traumas, his own challenges and he continued to persevere and he remained this kind, optimistic, tender person in the midst of it all.

"Can I help you put it on?" May asked gently when Olivia fell so silent and caressed the back of her neck a bit, moving to undo the clasp of the necklace currently around her neck.

Olivia nodded a bit, now fingering at the pendant some more. She moved to take it out of the box but her hands were shaking and she fumbled with it, her eyes still watering and threatening to tear over. She couldn't cry, though. She'd have to redo her make-up and she didn't have time for that – not now.

May saw the tremble and her hands came down to still hers – and Olivia finally glanced up to look at her in the mirror. The woman offered her a tender smile.

"I'll get that for you, Dear," she said. "You just fan at those eyes. No crying just yet. That's for the rest of us when we get out there."

Olivia snorted a little and allowed Will's mother to take the box from her and work at getting the necklace extracted. She wasn't really sure how she was going to do at the no crying thing. She so didn't want to cry – not in front of so many people she knew. Not when she had a reputation to keep up at work. But if this was any indication – she was at least glad she had gone with the no run mascara. She wasn't sure how much help even it would be, though.

She watched as May settled the necklace around her neck – and Olivia brought her hand up and settled it again the wing and heart against her chest.

Her and Will were always so modest with their gifts to each other. And, it was so strange to be receiving such a sentimental gift from him without him there at her side. She just wanted to get out there and be able to hug the man she loved so much. She wanted it to be him who would put it around her neck. She was ready to go downstairs and make this real – official – to show off to everyone the man she'd got. He was the most unexpected gift she'd received in her life so far.


	203. Chapter 203

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"So are we going out there? Or have you gotten cold feet?" Elliot asked her after they'd stood looking out the backdoor of the house for several minutes.

Olivia wasn't actually standing at the door, though Elliot had been assessing the situation. She'd stepped forward and taken a bit of a peak out of it. But she couldn't see that much for that angle. She'd barely been even able to catch a glimpse of Will and Noah up by the little table and the autumn arch. Mostly what she'd seen was just the backs of a whole lot of people.

It seemed so strange – taking that step to move out the door and moving to stand in front of all these people who knew her or Will. She felt almost like an animal on display. It was a strange sensation and no matter how much she coached herself about it – she wasn't that comfortable with it. Even with wanting to get up to the front so she could be closer to her husband and son. Even with how much she just wanted to get the little horse-and-pony show out of the way so they could start enjoying dinner and dancing. So she could play and be silly with her son – even though she wasn't that excited about doing that in front of everyone either. She was just going to have to block out everything and everyone around her and focus on Will and Noah. That's what she kept telling herself.

But for the past several minutes she'd been telling herself that down the hallway, examining her bouquet of bronze roses that had been paired with golden oak fallen oak leaves and hypericum berries – all wrapped in a ribbon that was a blue that looked so much like the boys' shirts. She wasn't sure she'd envisioned herself carrying a bouquet but it was rather beautiful - and something that May had puttered on putting together for her. So she couldn't very well say no to carrying it up to the front and holding it against her. It was likely better that she had something to occupy her hands anyways – or else she wasn't sure what she'd do with them.

She was feeling so self-conscious in the champagne-coloured dress that she thought she might end up picking at it and smoothing it against herself. That wasn't exactly what she wanted to be doing in front of everyone either. But it wasn't just that standing in front of everyone in the dress that was making her nervous. The reality was that Will rarely saw her in a dress either. It was standing in front of him in the dress.

It wasn't like Will had never seen her in a dress. She owned dresses. She put on dresses. She just had only ever put on a dress for Will a handful of times. She knew it was a minor sore point for him. That he would've liked if she dressed like that for him a little more often. But they never really went anywhere or did anything that truly warranted it. When they did – she dressed up. They just rarely did. Her and Will always kept their date nights, their outings, their time together so casual. Everything about their relationship had just been so focused on being simply, casual that it was probably too oddly complicated. It just meant … she wanted him to like the dress. She wanted to look nice for him. She knew that it wouldn't really matter. Whatever she was wearing, Will would like. He wasn't going to be critical. But she knew he'd be looking, watching, gazing. She wanted him to feel special in the moment too. Her dressing for him didn't happen often. But this … it was for him.

She ran her hand down the ruched chiffon trim of the bodice again. She liked the dress – a lot – and she thought Will would too. But at the same time she felt a little naked. It was silly. The dress wasn't even strapless. Though, the A-line silhouette gown was sleeveless - its lace and chiffon material, giving way to a scalloped square neckline. She'd worn far more revealing dresses in her years of dating – shorter, lower cut, more shoulder, more leg, more bust. But she'd gone for simple, modest, elegant. Something that she thought Will would like looking at her in – even though she'd picked up a sweater to pull over her shoulders and arms for if it did cool down in the evening. To cover up.

"He's going to love the dress," Elliot said again. It had become some sort of mantra for him – like it was about the only assurance he'd figured out how to piece together in his role as maid of honour. "You look fantastic."

She offered him a small smile.

"You do, Liv," he tried again with some sincerity and gave her soft eyes – that he seemed to only reserve for special, quiet moments when he was really trying to get through to her.

She'd gotten fewer and fewer of them over recent years. But maybe she needed them a bit less. She had Will for that kind of thing now. And, really, he pulled it off better than Elliot. There was more behind Will's looks – or at least something different.

"Thanks," she said quietly, and rubbed at her eyebrow, though she quickly dropped her hand as she realized she was touching her face. She couldn't be doing that nervous tell today – not in front of everyone, not with make-up on, not at her wedding.

She looked up-and-down the little back hallway of Ted and May's home again. It was so strange to be standing there. It seemed like an odd place to play this waiting game as she worked up the guts to just step outside the door – stop making everyone wait and to get on with her family's life.

"The first time Will brought me over here, we ended up in this hallway," Olivia offered quietly and El gave her a thin smile. "Arguing," she added. "Discussing. Introductions didn't go well. I wanted to go home."

He gave her a small snort at that. "Meeting the parents is always awkward."

That made Olivia give a bigger snort of a laugh. "Every interaction with Will's parents is … awkward. Add in his brothers …" she shook her head. "We weren't even together then. It was … a strange meeting. Tom really didn't like me."

"I can't imagine you liked him," Elliot said.

She let out a laugh. "Ah. No. Once an asshole, always an asshole. We've grown to … tolerate each other."

El gave her a smile. "He likes you now," he assured her. "He was around a lot in the hospital. He seemed genuinely concerned. Never a bad word."

"Maybe he was just afraid of you," she told him. "You're pretty scary."

He snorted. "I'll make sure he doesn't bother you today either then."

She offered him a smile. "I'd appreciate that."

"Done," Elliot said. "Now that I've been upgraded from maid of honour to bodyguard, are you ready to go out there?"

She sighed. "I guess we should get this over with?"

Elliot shrugged. "You keep telling me you're already married. So no big deal going out there for this, right?"

She shook her head. "Nah. Dealt with way worse than anything that's waiting for me out there."

Elliot looked at her with these eyes. She could see a lot of emotion playing across them and behind them – but he didn't say anything. Elliot wasn't big on forming words and sentences – on expressing his thoughts and emotions. Even after more than a decade of partnership – of friendship – it was still mostly about the looks, about knowing how to read each other. Sometimes she thought his looks said more than he'd ever be able to in words anyways.

This day had meaning for Elliot too. He was happy for her. He just wouldn't be very good at saying it. She wasn't sure she needed him to, though. She knew how he felt. Maybe he was glad to finally be rid of her. To finally be marrying her off. To be handing off that responsibility that she knew he felt towards her – protector. But it was just another one of the 'girls', the women in his life, that he was having to let go.

It was hard for him – she knew it. It didn't matter that she was a grown woman, a mother, already a wife, a NYPD detective in SVU who'd seen more things that most people should ever have to. She'd still likely always be someone that Elliot felt he needed to take care of in some way. Just like she'd watch him struggle with each of his girls growing up and moving on and pushing away from their daddy – to need him less and to want to be their own person. She knew her marriage to Will was a bittersweet moment for Elliot in some ways too, no matter how happy and relieved he likely was.

But he reached and held the door open for her – and a little reluctantly she forced herself to step through and waited for him to come out and stand beside her. And, then she tentatively took those steps across the porch – taking his offered hand while she went down the few steps until her feet touched the grass. Then she forced herself to begin what felt like a long walk across the two yards and towards where her husband and son were.

She saw Will look up at her and a smile spread across his face. He pointed for Noah to look, but it only caused everyone there to glance back at her. She felt her face flush a bit and she looked down, examining the ground in front of her on the walk, as they skirted around all the chairs and then crossed in front of everyone to stand across from Will, Elliot taking up space just behind her.

She took another deep breath and looked up – meeting Will's dancing eyes and smiling face. He looked about like he was glowing at that point. Even with her nerves – even with feeling so many eyes on her – looking at him made it all melt away a bit and she felt her own smile growing across her face.

"Hi," she offered.

He smiled wider at that, his cheeks pulling upwards more and more. "Hey," he said and almost checked her out in an once-over. He shook his head and reached out, touching her elbow. "You look so amazingly beautiful," he told her with almost a breathlessness to his voice.

She felt herself blush more and had to look down – but she didn't have a full chance to do avert her gaze from his eyes. Before she even realized the faux-pas they were committing, Will had stepped forward and his lips found hers and she found herself reaching up to stroke his cheek.

It was only then she realized that all the people sitting there in front of them were gasping or laughing at their kiss. She broke away and rested her forehead against his for a moment, smiling and stroking his cheek again. There joint contemplating, calming mode. A movement she'd come to find so much strength and comfort in over the past several years.

"OK, apparently they missed the memo that that comes at the end of the ceremony," Rob said rather loudly and earned a few more chuckles from there guests.

"Oh, whatever," Olivia said and straightened her head to hold it high again, taking a hold of Will's hand in hers and finally giving the spectators a bit of a glance. "We've done everything else backwards. Might was well do this backwards too."


	204. Chapter 204

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"We are here today to celebrate family," the officiant declared to their guests with a firmness and enthusiasm as things settled and the ceremony began.

Will moved as she began and hoisted Noah up and onto his hip, before his hand reached out to find Olivia's again. She gripped it tightly – her nerves still apparent in the squeeze. Still, she turned briefly towards Elliot and handed him her bouquet – another less than manly perk in being a male bridesmaid. But her partner took it, keeping it upright, and offering her a thin smile of reassurance as she turned back to her two boys, reaching out her now free hand and resting it against the small of her son's back.

Noah met her eyes. They had a sparkle in them she hadn't seen for weeks and weeks – a dance that almost looked like his father's. She smiled a bit more broadly for the boy and he returned it, wrapping his little arms a bit tighter around Will's neck. Part of her wanted to reach out and be the one holding her little boy against her. But it was more appropriate that he be clinging to his daddy that day – and to see the two of them meshed together like that and gazing at her with this happy calm radiating off them soothed her.

"A family is a place where you can cry and laugh," the officiant added as the three of them stilled in their positions and locked eyes. "A place you can be silly, or sad, or cross. Where you can ask for help, and tease, and yell at each other – always knowing you'll be loved.

"A family is made up of people who care about you when you are sad. Who love you all the time – no matter what. Who share your good times – and your bad. They don't expect you to be perfect, but just to try your best.

"A family is a safe place – where we learn to like ourselves, where we learn to make good choices, where we learn to think, where we learn to be honest, where we learn to respect other people.

"A family is a place where we are all special. Where we can share ideas without persecution – because our family will listen to us, just as we will listen to them.

"A family is a place where we learn about the rules of life – where we prepare ourselves for the world. The world is a big place. It is a place where anything can happy. But if we grow up in a loving family – a family like Noah's and Olivia's and Will's – we are ready for the world," she told the crowd of guests – Will's family, Olivia's family: their friends, their colleagues, their co-workers, their students, their parents, all their blood in one way or another.

"Will and Olivia have made their vows to each other. They have made a promise of love and companionship to one another. But that is a promise, and commitment, they also want to make to Noah. So, that is why, we all have been invited here today to celebrate the union of these three people."

The officiant looked away from the crowd of seated guests and smiled at them, before touching Noah lightly on the shoulder.

"Noah, I'd like to invite you to please take your mommy's hand so you can form your family circle," she asked of the little boy.

Noah glanced at her and then looked back to Olivia, who reached up from his back and softly touched his cheek with a gentle smile, before taking his little hand as one fell away form Will's neck. His dad adjusted him slightly on his hip with the movement.

Will was looking at their son with such an intensity. Olivia wished she could read his mind – but she almost didn't have to. She could imagine what was going through it. They'd been through so much. They'd watched Noah go through so much. They'd fought so hard for him and her little boy had fought so hard for his life. And, she'd watch Will step up and push and fight so hard to be his daddy through it all. It'd been official for a while. It'd been an unacknowledged reality for years. But now it was going to be real. Called out almost from the rafters it felt like to her - to everyone around them.

Will was Noah's daddy. He was Will's son. And, they were a family. An average, normal, mundane, boring nuclear family dealing with the same trials and tribulations as anyone else. Struggling with their own challenges and pains and dysfunction. The tears and scrapped knees and dirty laundry. The wetted beds and the 2+2 math homework. The stepped on toys and spilled milk. The swimming lessons and the Tball games. The whining and the sillies. The ups and downs. The bickering and the laughs. But they had each other now to trudge through their days – and their lives together.

"I am gong to ask all of you three questions," the officiant said, "and I would like all of you to answer each of them with 'I promise!'"

She offered them another smile – but Olivia and Will didn't much notice. They were far too busy gazing at Noah, who was staring back at his mother with such a stillness. There was a seriousness to him – like he was starting to understand the momentous of the day, as much as any six-year-old could.

"Do you promise to love, respect and protect each other from this day forward?" the officiant asked.

"I PROMISE!" Noah got out loudly before either Will or Olivia could.

His enthusiasm and the firmness behind his cry earned a few more chuckles from the crowd. But it just made both of his parents smile a bit more, Will squeezing Liv's hand a bit tighter as they reaffirmed in unison, "I promise."

"Do you promise to always try to be the best person you can be?"

"I promise," the three of them managed to get out together that time.

"And, do you promise to accept the responsibility of being a family – and encourage and support each other in your new life together?" the officiant asked a bit more solemnly.

Will looked away from Noah for a moment and met Olivia's eyes. "I promise," he said with her and Noah, but she could hear and feel the statement being directed at her.

"Noah," the officiant said, "as a way to commemorate this occasion, your mommy and daddy have a gift for you – and your daddy would like to say something to you."

The woman nodded at them and Will looked back to their son, giving him a small smile.

"I'm just going to put you down for a second, sweets," he told the boy quietly and slide him down his side to the ground. The man then turned and held out his hand, while his brother slinked a chain into his waiting palm.

Stepping back, Will crouched down to Noah's height – a bad movement for anyone sitting closer to the back to be able to see but a position to be able to look into the boy's eyes. Olivia too moved forward, adjusting her dress slightly, while she'd crouched down as well. She'd purposely picked a gown with a skirt that would offer such movements. It may be their special day – and a special dress – but she was still a mom to a little boy. It meant getting down, dirty and silly – now and later in the evening. She wasn't going to sacrifice any of that and had picked appropriately. Getting to look her son in the eyes – getting to dance with him – was more important than how she looked, or if crouching in a wedding dress was appropriate.

She took her son's one hand, while Will embraced the other, bouncing it and clutching it in his. She could finally feel some of her husband's nerves in that moment and watched as he rubbed his thumb across the top of Noah's little hand.

"Noah, I want to thank you for sharing Mommy with me," he said quietly but Rob cleared his throat a little, in a gentle indication that he should speak louder for their guests. Olivia knew that was hard for Will. It felt like such a private moment – but they were doing it in front of all these people.

"I want to thank you for loving me," Will said a bit more loudly, "and for allowing me to love you with all my heart. I didn't get to be there when you took your first steps. But I promise that now I will love and support you in every step that you take in your life. I love you, Noah – and I am devoted to making sure your life is full of happiness and accomplishments. I will nurture your epic creativity. I will encourage your fierce independence. And, I will make sure that you ALWAYS know what a gift you are – not just to me and Mommy – but to this world. Sweets, you are so full of potential. You inspire me, Noah, and I can't imagine the man I would be today, if you hadn't come into my life. I know you're going to reach for the stars. But I'm going to make sure you always know you have a place here – grounded in the love of our family and our home."

Olivia heard Will's voice crack a bit and she reached out her free hand and stroked his back a bit, while she husband looked down and tried to compose himself. Noah was silent but was looking at him with too much intensity. She knew the eyes – they were her eyes that were drilling a hole into Will – and she knew he was likely feeling that too. Will was always commenting on how they had the same eyes. How they looked into his soul. How they melted him – good and bad.

"You're an amazing little boy," Will said, looking back up to meet Noah's eyes. Though, Olivia could see that Will's had become a little glassy. "I am proud to call you my son. I love you."

"I love you too, Daddy," Noah said and gazed at him and Will made a little sound and looked down again. "Don't cry Daddy."

Will snorted at that and shook his head, looking down again. But it all just made Olivia's eyes water too. She brought her hand up his back and rested it on the back of Will's naked head.

"It's OK," she told him softly – trying to keep herself under-control. She wasn't quite ready to be crying in front of everyone yet. But Will shedding tears was always a dangerous trigger for her. It happened so infrequently that when it did it was a surefire way to send her towards an embarrassing breakdown too.

Will sniffed a bit and Noah collapsed against him into a hug. So Olivia put her other arm around him – taking the outside of the crouched embraced and rubbing at both of her boys' backs. It seemed to take so long – she was beginning to feel the eyes of everyone on them again. But Will finally lifted his head.

"We have something for you, Noah," he said quietly and the little boy backed away a bit. So Will let the chain of the necklace fall out of his hand, holding up the family unity medallion for their son to look at. "Mommy and I wanted to give this to you, so you can always remember that the three of us are stronger together – and that our lives are forever intertwined now."

Noah reached out to look at the three delicately intertwined rings that were hanging off of the silver chain. Will tried to undo the clasp while the little boy examined it but his hands were trembling. Olivia could feel the embarrassment and frustration radiating off of him as he fumbled with it – so she reached out and stilled his hands in a similar manner to what May had done for her inside.

"I'll do it," she told him quietly and gently took it from his hands, unclasping the chain and then reaching around Noah's little neck to place the medallion against his chest.

As it settled there, she reached and took one of Noah's hands – placing it against the necklace, before grabbing Will's and putting it over her son's and then adding her own to the pile.

"Fearsome three," she told them both softly – and earned a smile from Will.

"The circle of family is not made by blood alone," the officiant began again as they finished their exchange and Will and Olivia slowly dropped their hands and rose back to full height, each taking one of Noah's hands. "The circle of family is made by love, respect and commitment. Indeed, a circle of family made by choice can be stronger than that of blood."

The woman gestured to the table in front of them – a little stool waiting in front of it for Noah and three small bottles of coloured sand, along with a larger corked bottle sitting on the flat surface.

"Will, Olivia and Noah have chosen to participate in a sand ceremony to represent the coming together of their lives," the officiant told the crowd. "This ceremony symbolizes the inseparable union of Will, Olivia and Noah – and their new and eternal familial relationship."

She then glanced at Elliot and Rob.

"Elliot – please place your hand on Olivia's shoulder, as you bare witness to her commitment to her family," she commanded tenderly and Olivia felt him step forward and his hand land against her bare skin, giving her shoulder a small squeeze.

"Robert – please place your hand on Will's shoulder, as you bare witness to his commitment to his family," she ordered of the other man, and again Will's brother moved forward and joined them at the table, Noah stepping up on the stool and gazing more excitedly at the vials of sand. It amounted to another craft to the little boy. Noah loved all crafts.

"Olivia, Will, Noah – today you join your separate lives together," the officiant said as they settled around the table. "The three separate bottles symbolize your three separate lives – separate families, separate friends. They represent all that you are – and all that you'll ever be as an individuals. Each grain of sand represents a unique and separate moment, decision, feeling or event that has shaped you. But what it really represents is your lives before today."

She gestured at the table and nodded at them. "I now invite you to take your separate containers – and to pour them into this larger container."

She paused and waited as Will popped the cork off the larger bottle. Olivia helped Noah get a grip on his little bottle of blue sand – helping him lift it to the lip of the bigger container, as her and Will raised their green and white grains. They began to pour the sand into the bottle, the excitement from Noah was palpable as their colours mingled in the glass bottle.

"As you pour your separate containers of sand into a common vessel – those separate individuals cease to exist," the officiant said. "Instead, you are merging into a loving and supportive familiar community. Olivia, Will, Noah – just as the grains of sand can never be separated into their individual containers again – so will your lives and family be."

Olivia offered Will another smile as their separate vessels emptied and he glowed back at her. Noah was still examining their joined bottle with a deep interest – twisting it around on the table and looking at the emerged colours and the waves and intermingling of the sand.

The officiant smiled at them. "Let mutual love and respect be the foundation of this family," she advised, "by acknowledging the value of each others choices."

She looked to the crowd and held up her hands a bit. "Let them be as one – to sing and dance together, to laugh and cry together. To live, love and grow together."

She gave them another nod and gestured for them to turn towards their guests.

"Ladies and gentlemen - it now gives me great pleasure to present to you for the very first-time – the Benson-McTeagues: Noah, Olivia and Will."


	205. Chapter 205

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will's hand had found its way around her shoulders, as she leaned back in her chair from her meal.

"You sure you got enough?" he asked her.

She snorted and shook her head, looking at her plate. There was still food on it. Anyone looking at it probably actually couldn't really tell how much of a dent she had really put in it.

Will's parents had completely gone to nuts on the cooking and barbecue. It was delicious. But it had meant that neither of them had really been sitting down during most of the meal – and she was sure they must've been fussing in the kitchen for at least two days before the reception.

There'd been Ted's ribs and barbeque chicken breasts. Baked beans, Texas-style chili and corn on the cob. Oven-roasted potatoes and vegetables. May's freshly baked rolls that nearly melted in your mouth. Hamburgers and ballpark hot dogs – including veggie options - with all the fixings: mushrooms, caramelized onions, smoky bacon, BBQ sauce, ketchup, mustard, cheddar cheese, crumbled blue cheese, pickles, relish, tomatoes, mayonnaise, shredded lettuce and sliced fresh ripe tomatoes. And that was even before hitting all the salad - about every kind of salad imaginable: tossed greens, Caesar, macaroni, bean, potato, tomato and cucumber, coleslaw.

And, then there'd been Noah's demanded quesadillas. Not just his preferred cheese – but all the options to press and grill up your own on a maker left sitting on the buffet line. Strips of seasoned steak and chicken with the add-ons of black beans, guacamole, mild, spicy and green salsa, sour cream and even more diced tomatoes and grilled peppers and onions. And, if that wasn't your thing – there was the corn chips waiting to be served up into self-topped nachos.

Ted had been fixed to his barbecues, taking up orders and handing out his ribs and the chicken breasts, burgers and hot dogs with some glee. He was clearly thrilled to get to chat with everyone – especially the NYPD detectives - as they ordered up their entrees and he basted the meats that had been smoking and cooking for most of the afternoon. Actually smelling his ribs during the little ceremony had left Olivia's stomach growling – and she'd noticed that it looked like a lot of their guests were opting for that entrée too. Also much to the delight of Ted.

May had been fussing around making sure that the buffet line was clean and tidy and all the salads had a never-ending supply filling the bowls. She visited the tableside of all their guests that had marked themselves off as vegetarians or as having allergies – making sure they'd gotten enough or if they wanted a helping of pasta and tomato sauce she had going in the kitchen.

Olivia was fairly certain that the only thing the caterer had actually been allowed to bring over had been the heaping trays of fresh fruit that had been on the line. Ice cold watermelon, rings of pineapple and piles of plump strawberries, blueberries and grapes – decorated with some star fruit, dragon fruit, papaya and kiwis only to be accented with some complimentary artisan cheeses and water crackers. The display as beautiful as it was delicious. But she was sure that the caterer likely had been a little disappointed to have Will's parents call and amend their order to just a couple simple fruit trays – as they took over the cooking. But backyard cooking was Ted and May's element. It was what they lived for – even on an average Sunday. And, Olivia wasn't really all that disappointed to get a chance at Ted's ribs after they'd skipped out on the end-of-summer barbeque that year.

She rubbed at her belly a bit. She was actually starting to think she might burst out of the dress. "I don't think I can eat another bite, Will," she told him. "I'm not even sure I have room for cupcakes."

"MOM! You have to have cupcakes!" Noah informed her, looking at her aghast. He had a rib bone hanging in his messy sticky finger and sauce dripping down his arm. He seemed to notice the dribble in his protest and moved to lick up the sweet and tangy apple-butter barbecue sauce before it trailed all the way down to his elbow.

If eating ribs in front while sitting on display in front of everyone she knew and wearing a wedding dress while doing it wasn't enough – she'd been having to manage Noah. She was thrilled to see him eating but the food options had given him lots of opportunity to lean against her happily while his face and hands were covered in sauce and stickiness. She thought she'd pretty much managed to avert any permanent stains on the dress – but she'd definitely been wiping at his hands and face pretty much constantly.

Still, watching him try to eat his weight in quesadillas, Popa's ribs and strawberries had made her smile. Though, Noah had been a little disappointed that she didn't let him put a hot dog, hamburger and mounds of macaroni and potato salad on his plate too. But she didn't think he'd have room. He'd managed to talk Daddy into taking him back up for seconds, though, which he was trying to plough through now. He wasn't doing a bad job. Though, Olivia thought if he did manage to finish the plate, he might not have room for cupcakes either.

"Sweets, if Mommy eats another bite – she is going to burst," she informed him.

"BUT IT'S CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES MOM!" he protested louder.

She stroked his sticky cheek and smiled, before reaching for yet another napkin to wipe off her hand before dabbing at his cheek.

"Mommy will try to fit in one bite a bit later – but if she bursts, you're cleaning it up!" she told him.

"Eww, Mom," Noah said, and she snorted and smiled.

But then she spotted movement over at the end of the table where the podium was and saw Elliot settling himself in front of it with a glass of water and pulling some papers out of his pocket.

She groaned and looked at Will. "I'm really not sure I like this. Speeches? Who's idea was this?"

Will just shrugged and shook his head. "Don't look at me. It wasn't mine."

She sighed and looked over at her partner who met her eyes and gave her a thin smile – and then fumbled with the microphone as it gave some feedback and caught the attention of anyone who already wasn't looking at him in the expectation of what was to come.

"Hi," Elliot said into the microphone and looked across the yard of tables. "I'm Elliot Stabler – today's beautiful maid of honour – and I'm now going to work on ruining your dinner, for those of you who aren't done eating yet."

Olivia looked at Will and shook her head. "Who's idea was this?" she asked again.

Will just offered another shrug and took her hand under the table, while settling back into his chair to watch Elliot and listen to his words. Olivia really wasn't sure she could settle back and just listen. She more felt like she was on the edge of her chair – possibly readying herself to pull a gun on Elliot. He said the wrong thing and this could be the end of their partnership, she thought. She didn't want to even think about what stories he had up his sleeve – what on earth he could possibly have to say. He knew way too much about her – and for all the trust she put into him, she really wasn't sure she trusted him with this.

"For those of you who don't know – I'm Olivia's partner at work – and I have been for along time. Almost 13 years now," he said and shifted his position putting more of his weight onto the podium, his hands tightening around the sides until his knuckles turned white. Elliot wasn't much for public speaking.

"So, I know Olivia fairly well. I know Olivia doesn't like people talking about her. She really doesn't like people looking at her. And, she hates people making a big deal out of her," he said and glanced her way. "So – I'm sure she's been really enjoying today so far. But, I think what she's really afraid of right now, is that I'm going to say something to embarrass her. And, she likely should be afraid of that. I've got lots of material."

She rolled her eyes and looked at the sky for a moment. She just wanted this to be over and there was no way it was going to be over soon enough.

Elliot shuffled around at the podium again with his scrunched up pieces of paper.

"Liv and I had a bit of a joke over the years – not one my wife much liked. That I was the longest relationship she'd ever had with a men – because who else would put up with her? It's a good question. Who would? Olivia is stubborn. She is hard-headed. She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder. And, she's generally a pain in the ass," Elliot said and gave her a look. "I'm paid to put up with her – and not enough at that."

She snorted and shook her head at that – as Noah leaned over to her and pointed out that Uncle Elliot had sworn. She smiled at her son.

"You'll have to tell Uncle Elliot after he owes you some money for the swear jar," she told him quietly. "You can ask him for extra since he's swearing and saying obnoxious things about Mommy in front of so many people."

She wasn't paid nearly enough to put up with Elliot – or any of the other bullshit on the job – either. But Elliot seemed happy that he'd managed to get at least a few chuckles with his little speech so far. He might be less happy about that after she sic'ed Noah on him for the remainder of the evening looking for swear jar money.

"Will certainly isn't paid to put up with Olivia," Elliot added. "Most of you likely don't know this – but I was actually helping Liv move into her new apartment and was there when she met Will for the very first time. It looked something like this …"

"Oh my God," Olivia mumbled as El moved to stand to one side of the podium and hunched over his shoulders, hanging his head to look at the ground, and nervously scrunching up restless hands in front of him.

"Hi, I'm Will," Elliot said timidly and then stepped to the opposite side of the podium and crossed his arms tightly in front of his chest and glared at where the imaginary Will had been standing moments before. "GO AWAY," he mimicked her in a stern, unflinching voice.

Will just nudged her. "He's pretty good at you," he told her and she whacked him in the centre of his chest with the back of her hand.

"Oh, yeah, and he had you spot on too," she said sarcastically.

"With a greeting like that – God knows why Will would've kept coming back for more. Especially, since I don't think Liv's demeanour improved very quickly. It took about six months before I was even got an acknowledgement out of her that MAYBE this Will guy wasn't just a neighbour and she might actually be classifying him as a friend. I won't tell you how much longer it took before she admitted to me they were in a relationship."

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow and shook her head. She didn't much like this speech. But Will's family seemed to like that comment. If Elliot had to wait for an acknowledgement that they were in a relationship – he should've seen what Will's family had gone through.

Her and Will being there with Noah fairly regularly. Will skipping out on family functions – or at least family Sundays – to spend time with them instead. But them never acknowledging they were much of anything to his parents for years. It had been all-out torture for May. If they'd kept the charade going on much longer, it literally might've pushed her over the edge, Olivia thought.

"But – I actually do know why Will kept coming back for more. And, the more I've gotten to know Will McTeague – and his family – over the past several years and especially over these past few months, I'm so glad that he did. Of what it's worth, Liv, you've got my seal of approval," he told her and glanced her way.

She shook her head a little annoyed and gestured at everyone, saying loudly enough so they could all hear. "Thanks, El. So glad to hear that now."

But, the reality was, that on some level she did want and need Elliot's approval. Not so much now. But before. He was about the closest she had to family – to close enough friend – to tell her if she was doing right, or if she was doing wrong. She likely needed some insight on that when it came to men. She'd been through enough bad ones. Though, Elliot had done a good job at scaring away some of the ones she thought might've been good ones. Really, though, any that didn't go running after the first couple dates when they found out what she did or she started trying to be a bit more herself – she'd usually tried to convince herself were good ones. It was likely for the best that Elliot had brought out the metaphorical shotgun and sent them packing. If not, she wouldn't be with Will now. He didn't scare off easily. Even Elliot hadn't managed to scare him off – and she knew he'd tried.

El allowed her a smile. "So I'll keep this brief. But just let me tell you why I think Will kept coming back for more – why he was right to do that – and just about Olivia and why it's been worth putting up years of abuse as her partner …"

"Oh! You're the one who's put up with years of abuse?" she mumbled audibly for everyone again. She shook her head. She thought he had that one backwards.

Ellliot gave her a small glare and kept going " … and why it's going to be worth it for Will, as your husband."

He looked to his papers on the podium again and seemed to be taking a moment to organize his thoughts – before finally looking back up, though glancing back down to his notes regularly.

"Olivia came to Special Victims when she wasn't even 30 yet. She was a young detective – and I ended up stuck with this newbie. Six years older than her – married, four kids, a tour with the Marines, more experience as a detective than her, and having already been through the wringer in SVU for a while. I thought I knew a lot. Way more than this 29-year-old.

"I have definitely taken every opportunity imaginable to tell Olivia that I know more than her, that she doesn't understand, and that she couldn't understand. She's never really liked that – I don't know why," he teased and looked at her. She wondered if he knew how true it was though. She hated it. She always had – and if she didn't respect Elliot so much, it really wasn't something she would put up with.

"Some times she made sure I knew how much she didn't like that verbally," Elliot added. "But she's pretty good at the non-verbal cues too. I can give you a tutorial on some of them, Will, if you haven't figured them all out already. I'm a bit of an expert – wife, three daughters, years of female partners."

He got a couple more laughs at that. But Olivia just rolled her eyes more. Elliot and wedding speeches clearly didn't go together.

"But the more I've learned about Olivia over the years – the more I've come to understand that maybe it's me that doesn't know that much. Maybe it's me that is inexperienced – and who might never quite understand. That's become even more clear to me over the past year or so, as I've watched Olivia deal with some challenges and pain that no parent – or person – should ever have to. I have always been proud to call Liv my partner – and my friend – but the strength and courage with which she's approached the curveballs that life has been throwing at her lately, have left me even prouder of her.

He paused again and took more interest in looking at the podium. The yard was quiet and Olivia was almost glad to feel the eyes resting on him rather than her – even if it was everyone waiting to hear what more he had to say about her.

"Olivia Benson approaches life with a strength and courage – a fearlessness – that we should all strive to emulate," he said eventually and looked back up and into the crowd of their guests at the tables. "She has this empathy that makes her one of the most caring people any of us ever hope to have in our lives. And it's really what makes her this beautiful person, no matter how much of a hard-ass she strives to be to mask that."

"Swear jar," Noah whispered at her again, but she just reached out and stroked at his cheek and ear to quiet him that time, watching Elliot struggle to get through his speech and to get out what he was trying to say.

He glanced at her again – and offered her another small smile, that she was actually able to return now. It still felt strange to hear him talking about her in a public arena. She still wasn't sure she liked it. And, it was just so odd to hear Elliot admit anything about her and their relationship – their strange partnership and friendship that had been so strained and confused but so connected over the years – in public. It felt like a private discussion they should've had at some point – alone in a squad car with stale coffee and junk food wrapper surrounding them while having been stuck on an unsuccessful stakeout overnight.

"I'm not really good at these kinds of things," Elliot admitted. "Expressing myself. My wife and daughters – probably even my sons, my colleagues at work – will tell you that. But I wanted all of you – especially Will – to know that Olivia is special and that me, my family, and all of us at SVU are so happy for her and grateful that she's found someone who recognizes how special her is."

He gave her another look and then smoothed out his piece of paper again and looked down at it.

"I just wanted to finish this off with a quote that I think will capture what I'm trying to say about Liv better than I'll ever be able to," he said and paused for several moments that seemed to hang in the air for an extended period of time.

"The most beautiful people," Elliot said a bit more quietly than he had in the rest of his speech, "we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, know loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

He kept his head hung for another moment and then turned to look at her – meeting her eyes. "You're one of the most beautiful people, I know – and I am so glad that you have Will and Noah to share that beauty with. Congratulations."


	206. Chapter 206

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Mommy can I have your second cupcake," Noah asked.

She snorted and looked at him. "I'm not having a second cupcake, sweets."

She hadn't even eaten her first. She'd taken the imposed first bite that Will had been forced to hold to her face. Somehow they hadn't managed to avoid that – after much nagging and encouragement from their guests. Peer pressure.

She didn't think Will minded that much. He seemed to enjoy shoving the cream-cheese icing partway up her nose almost as much as he liked having that action prompt her to squish the cupcake she was holding for him against his face. She could've done without either moment – or that photographic evidence.

"I can eat your second for you, Mom," Noah informed her.

She let out a small laugh. "No, Noah. You've already had two. Don't you want room for S'mores in a bit?"

"I'll have room, Mom," he added.

She shook her head some more and gestured at her plate. "Do you want the rest of that one?"

He examined it and then looked at her. "IT'S CARROT!"

She nodded. "It is."

"Eww!"

She snorted again. "Carrot is my favourite. Nana's carrot cake reminds me of the carrot cake my grandma used to make when I visited when I was a little girl. Nana made carrot cupcakes especially for me. You should try it."

"It's ick, Mom. It's orange and it has vegetables in it. It's cake. It shouldn't have vegetables in it."

She shrugged. "Those are the choices right now, sweets. You already had two. That's lots."

"BUT IT'S A SPECIAL DAY MOM!"

She nodded. "It is and you had two special cupcakes. Way more than you would have a normal day, right?"

He huffed at her and crossed his arms in a minor pout.

She shook her head at Will and pointed at Noah. "Your son is being a Chief Thundercloud."

Will looked around her at the little boy. "What's wrong, buddy?"

"Mommy doesn't want a second cupcake and eats gross first ones."

Will looked at him. "Ah," he allowed and sat back in his chart and shrugged at her. "I don't have a solution to that."

She snorted. "No kidding," she said and then lowered her voice. "I think someone's lack of nap and chemo grouchies are catching up with him."

Will nodded and looked around her at the little boy again. "Well, we can try to take him inside and get him down in another bit. After the dance?"

She sighed. "Maybe we should now? He's going to want to stay up after the music starts. Get him down for an hour now?"

Will leaned closer to Noah again. "You want to go lay down for a bit of a sleep, Noah? Before the dancing and S'mores?"

Noah glared at him. "NO, DADDY! I just want another cupcake!"

Will snorted at that and held out his plate. "Do you want the rest of mine?"

Noah examined his paper plate and then accepted the half eaten chocolate one that was being offered. Olivia wasn't sure she'd eat it either. It had been squished over Will's mouth and nose. Kissing those places was one thing. Eating cake that had been rubbed all over them was another.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes at Will. But he just shrugged at her.

"Situation alleviated for the moment," he told her.

"Yet closer we move to sugar high and diabetic coma," she added.

"Oh well. I think half our guests are going to be in a food coma haze anyways. He might as well join them."

She snorted and Rob wandered by glancing at them. "How are the lovebirds doing?"

It only prompted her to shake her head and roll her eyes again. She looked at Will.

"There," she gestured as Rob went and got him situated at the podium now. "Now it's your turn to be embarrassed."

"Yours wasn't that embarrassing," he informed her. "This will be embarrassing."

She nodded. "Good. You deserve that."

He snorted and looked over at his brother – who grabbed the microphone right off the stand and looked completely in his element in getting to chat and talk-up the guests. The McTeague men charm. Even Will had that gift to an extent – when he wanted to, Olivia knew.

"Everyone – if I could just get your attention," Rob said loudly into the microphone. He actually was barking so forcibly – and had such a booming voice anyway – he likely didn't even need the microphone. With it, Olivia was sure that half of Staten Island was about to hear whatever he had to say about his brother and their marriage.

"My name is Rob. I'm the older brother to the groom, which by default gives me enough ammunition – and the right – to embarrass him in public. But as the best man, to start, I just want to thank you all for coming today. I think we all know that firefighters, cops and university students will travel great distances for some free food and booze. But we'll pretend you all made the trip out here to celebrate this special occasion for Will, Olivia and Noey."

Rob didn't have any papers in front of him. He wasn't touching the podium. He was just talking – and walking on the short leash that the microphone allowed. Olivia wasn't sure if it was a practiced speech or if he was just pulling it all out of his ass. With Will's brothers – she wouldn't be surprised if it was just off the top of his head.

Despite her teasing Will, she really did hope for his sake it wouldn't be too embarrassing or inappropriate. She actually almost felt more concerned for him than she had with having to endure Elliot talking about her. She thought Rob could potentially do a lot more damage. But at least it wasn't Tom speaking. That could've been truly disastrous. Will had made such great strides in his relationship with his family over recent years. She hoped that Rob wouldn't say or do something that would take them any steps backwards on that.

"Seriously, though, I was both delighted and honoured when my baby brother chose me to stand up there with him during their ceremony," Rob said, gesturing back across the yard. "Not exactly the most traditional ceremony or evening we've got going on here. But Willie … Will," Rob corrected himself – seeming to acknowledge at least that evening, Will's hate of his family's nickname for him. "Will has never really been one for the traditional. He's always been a little weird."

Olivia felt him cringe a little next to her and she reached her hand under the table, resting her hand on his knee and giving it a small squeeze. His hand came down and found hers, lacing his fingers with hers. His palm felt a little clammy and she knew he was feeling rather anxious about his brother's words.

"So let me tell you a bit about Will. Or at least what I know. I know his birthday. January 7th, 1973. If he hadn't decided to arrive late to the party, he could've been a New Year's baby. But that's my brother – always doing things in his own sweet time. Right from day one.

"Now, really, I can only tell you so much about Will. He's the baby of the family, after-all. And with him being the younger brother – let's be honest – I only took so much interest in him back when we were kids.

"I think all the older brothers out there will hear me, when I say you kind of think you don't need to pay that much attention to them because you never really expect your baby brother to grow up. I mean – somehow – you just always expect him to be that little kid that's pestering you to borrow your bike, or to set him up on his first date, or to be stealing your best baseball card, only to leave it out in the rain even though he knows it's your most prized possession – an MVP card that you got signed while out at the game with your Dad. Only that wasn't exactly Will – expect for the baseball card. But clearly –that's all ancient history now.

"They say if you blink – you'll miss it. Well, I must've been blinking a lot all those years – because somehow I think I missed my baby brother growing into a man. I know it was somewhere between him running around this house," he said, pointing in front of him to their parents' home, "in just these bright red undies and today. Somewhere between him being the benchwarmer for about every team imaginable … he really does try … and today. Somewhere between him graduating at the top of his high school class and going off to M.I.T. and Havard on scholarship to study things that I'm not even going to try to pretend I understand – and today. It happened somewhere between him memorizing every baseball stat imaginable, playing these boardgames I've never even heard of before, reading more comic books than I knew existed and coming back home with a PhD to teach all these kids who are already smarter than I'll ever be.

"As a family – I think we blinked a lot while Will was growing up," Rob told him and looked over to the table his family was sitting at. "But I think some of it was more of a stunned look," he added and made a face, blinking rapidly. "It was 'Where did this kid come from?' I mean, 'We came from the same parents, right? We have the same DNA?''

"I know that Will sometimes thinks that as a family, we don't recognize his accomplishments," Rob said and looked over at his brother, and Olivia gave his hand a tighter squeeze. "We've lived in this community a long time. People know our family. And, I think Will should know – when we're out-and-about, it sure isn't me or my kids or Tom and his kids or even Mom and Dad that they ask about. You know what I get asked a lot? 'How's Will doing?' 'I hear Will graduated at the top of his class at M.I.T.' – like that's such a big deal. 'I hear Will had an article in such-and-such magazine'. 'I hear Will is doing a presentation to the United Nations' science committee'. 'I hear Will is teaching at NYU now', 'I hear Will just won such-and-such award' – he's won so many, I've really just lost track now.

"And you know what happens after they ask – or tell – me all that? There's an uncomfortable silence and then they say, 'So what are you up to these days?' What the hell am I supposed to say to that, Kiddo? Talk about giving someone a complex. We're firefighters. We can't compete with that!"

Will looked down at the comment – and Olivia held his hand a bit tighter. She could almost feel his heart pounding through his fingertips.

"There's been moments over the past decade that, I think, we collectively started to realize that we'd been blinking a little too much. Our baby brother wasn't such a baby anymore. And, then just as we were starting to figure out how to interact with that – this grown man back in New York and at the top of his game at some university that the rest of this family probably wouldn't even dream of going to - Will brought Olivia home. His 'friend'. That's what he told us. I actually think that's what he kept telling us until a few months ago when we got, 'Surprise. We're married.'"

Rob gave another stunned look and a fake stumble of surprise.

"Somehow we blinked and missed it again! Suddenly my baby brother was a husband and a father. A university professor. A mathematician. A published author. How the hell did that happen?"

Rob looked down the table and looked at Will until he looked up and met his eyes.

"I think we all know things ain't been easy for you, Will. But you've found your own path – and you're one of the luckiest guys I know. You have an amazing son and a beautiful wife with a quick sense of humour, a massive heart and an even bigger smile. To find such a complete person in today's world is tough going. Olivia is a wonderful person – and our family is so excited to now officially get to call her our sister and daughter."

He moved his gaze to meet Olivia's.

"Liv, I know you already know this but for the sake of everyone else here, I just want to say you've found yourself a husband who is strong, caring, devastatingly handsome – a true McTeague there – funny, loving and genuine. He really is, by far, the best baby brother in the world. I did some of my own fancy pants research to check into that. Will's perfectly imperfect, massively talented and a man of his word. Though, I'm told he's not much for tidiness. His office looks like they filmed the trash compactor scene from Star Wars in it," he said and paused, looking back at Will. "I just had to get a Star Wars reference in there for you, Willie."

Will shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Rob," he said quietly.

"So," Rob said a bit more enthusiastically and loudly. "I've got some marriage advice for you both before I close this out. First off – never go to bed on an argument …. always stay up and argue. Remember these three little words: 'You're right, dear.' And, set the ground rules quick – establish who the boss is, and then do everything SHE says."

Olivia snorted at that and Will shook his head again and looked at her.

"I think we've already implemented most of those," he told her quietly and she give his hand a purposefully harder squeeze. "Owww," he whined and shot her another look.

"And, now that we've established that. We've got a little something for you guys," Rob said, and again looked down the table at them.

"Now, Olivia," he said and started to walk down the head table to where she was, carrying a gift bag with him. "I've been told you aren't joining Team McTeague?"

She snorted again and touched her heart. "Oh, I have in my heart, Rob," she said sarcastically.

He gestured for her to stand up, to which she gave Will a hesitant and questioning look, but did. Rob plopped the bag on the table in front of them and put his hand into it.

"Not good enough," he informed her and pulled out a Yankees jersey with the back facing her. "So we're putting it on your back too."

She laughed and took it turning it around to show the guests. McTeague was plastered across the back with the year of her birth as the number. She flashed it at Will with a smile and he reached out for it to look at it closer, a smile tugging at his lips too – but his brother put a hand on his shoulder.

"Stand up, Will," Rob ordered and pulled out another jersey, handing it to him. "Because we all know who really wears the pants in the relationship."

Will looked at the back of his shirt too and his smile grew wider he showed it to Olivia before turning the Benson jersey out to face their guests who seemed to be taking almost as much pleasure in it as they were.

"We've got one for Noey too," Rob said and stuck his hands under the little boy's armpits, and settled his feet on the chair before handing Noah the adult-sized shirt that he'd be swimming in at the moment but would hopefully be fitting him for years to come.

Noah gazed at it with his tongue hanging out of his mouth in excitement.

"IT'S THE YANKEES!" he declared.

But Olivia leaned over and helped him turn it around. "Show everyone, sweets," she encouraged. "What's it say?"

Noah looked at it some more but then held it high above his head to show their guests. "BENSON-MCTEAGUE!" he yelled out to them.

Rob held out a little gift box. "And we've got one more thing for you," he said. "Don't know who wants to open it."

Olivia took it since she was standing closest to him – but handed it over to Will. He glanced at his brother with more questions painting across his face. But lifted the lid off the little, narrow box – and Olivia watched as his face melted as he looked inside.

"Oh my God," Will stuttered.

She looked at him harder and then leaned over to look inside and a smile spread across her face more and she rubbed at his bicep. Will looked like he was about to have a stroke. His mouth was hanging open and he clapped his hand up to it – covering it in his gape. He dropped his hand away finally.

"They're tickets to Game 7," he got out to the guests watching his excited meltdown. He took the tickets out and held the strip up to show Noah. "We're going to the World Series, bubby," he told the little boy.

"Go Yankees! Go!" Noah cheered and jumped up and down on his cheer waving his jersey.

"Oh my God," he muttered again and leaned forward to kiss her. His hand stroking through her hair, likely messing it up ahead of their dancing do that for her. But it was a short kiss and he broke away to gaze at the tickets again.

"You should likely be kissing your brother," she told him. "And your family."

Will shook his head and looked at Rob and then out at the table with his parents and Tom's family. "Oh my God," he said again. "Thank you. Wow. This is amazing. Mom … Dad … Tom … Rob. Everyone!"

Olivia thought he might be more excited about the game than their wedding. But the excitement that was radiating off him was just making her smile more. It wasn't often that Will got this visibly excited about anything. She reached out and stroked his cheek and he met her eyes, his still just completely dancing in his glee about the gift.

"Now they just need to get to Game 7," Rob informed him.

"They need the seven," Will mumbled still examining the tickets. "Oh my God – look at these seats," he muttered and showed her the tickets again.

She wasn't familiar enough with the stadium to be able to pick out what their section and seat numbers would mean for where they would be sitting in relation to the field. But she knew the seating was likely going to be far better than their usual view from up in the beer seats of the nose-bled section.

"It's a good thing they need the seven then," Rob said and tapped Noah on the shoulder, looking out at their guests again. "Noey's a bit of the Yankees' lucky charm. They've won every game he's been to. This one doesn't know what losing looks like."

"Y! A! N! K! E! E! S! Here come the Yankees!" Noah yelled and hopped some more, feeding off Will's excitement. "Everyone knows they play to win cuz they're the New York Yankees!"

Rob smiled. "Well, Willie, I just want to finish off by saying that it's been an honour to be your best man today – and I want to thank you for affording me the privilege. You're incredibly lucky. Liv is a beautiful lady, with a heart of gold. She deserves a good husband – and I know that she's found that in you. I'm proud of you – and I'm real pleased to see that you finally met your match in Olivia."

His brother's words finally seemed to snap Will out of his Yankees meltdown for the moment. He stepped around his wife and son to Rob, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug while his brother pounded him loudly on the back. Olivia had never seen Will hug either of his brothers before and she knew that it was a moment that would have a lot of meaning for Will. He didn't offer or receive affection from his brothers lightly.

When they finally broke away from it, Rob leaned forward and picked up a bottle of beer that he'd set on the table when he'd initially wandered by on his way to the podium.

"So now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand up and raise your drinks in a toast to my baby brother Will, his beautiful wife Olivia and their amazing son Noah," he told the guests and waited a few beats while people shuffled around getting to their feet.

"We wish them well for the future," Rob said. "To love, life, laughter and happily ever after."


	207. Chapter 207

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will gave her hand another tight squeeze as they walked up to the podium.

"Here we go," he said with a sigh.

She gave him a reassuring smile. "You'll be fine," she said and then corrected, "We'll be fine."

He allowed her a thin smile at that and then let go of her hand to ruffle around and pull out some little index cards from his pants pocket, looking down and shuffling at them before flaring his nostrils a bit and looking out at the guests. He dropped the notes for his speech onto the podium and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Hey," he said casually to their small gathered crowd. "I want to apologize that you're having to endure more speeches. In our plans for today we just thought it was going to be us boring you for 10 minutes – but people went and upped the ante on us. I think – as far as we know – this is the last of the talking you're going to have to put up with before we get the music going and start really annoying the neighbours."

She snorted at his comment and watched him – standing by his side. She actually thought she might be feeling more naked than him at the moment. At least he was talking – he had purpose. She was just standing there for support. Usually that was Will's role.

Will bounced his hands in his pockets a bit and seemed to look out at the faces staring back at him slightly lost. He sighed and reached up his one hand rubbing at his temple.

"Ah – you know – it's funny … I spend a fair chunk of most of my workdays talking in front of people. But without my lectern and computer and PowerPoint and chalkboard … this is feeling a little more nerve-wrecking."

He looked at her and then gestured at her before turning back to the guests. "This is probably a pretty unique moment in history you all are about to witness," Will said. "It's likely the first – and last – time that Olivia, MY WIFE, is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. At least momentarily. You'll note that she's going to be speaking next – because she always has to get in the last word."

She whacked him on the shoulder at that comment and he gave her a silly grin. She could tell he was pleased he'd gotten some scattered chuckles so far.

"Ah – we just wanted to thank everyone for coming out today. It wouldn't have been as special of day if our family and friends weren't all here with us. And, we also really want to thank my parents – your hosts – for all their help and contribution in making this day even more than we'd imagined."

Will stood quietly for a moment and then pulled his hands out of his pockets and leaned on the podium a bit, glancing down at his notes for the first time.

"On a personal note – I also just wanted to thank my parents. I think all children have their trials and tribulations with their parents. But despite all of that, Mom and Dad, I know that without you, I would not be the man I am today.

"Mom – you drive me crazy – but you really are best mom, that anyone could ask for. Over the years, your guidance has instilled in me a sense of right and wrong. You always made sure that all your sons grew up with a moral compass to keep us pointed in the right direction as we moved forward with our lives. I want you to know that no matter where I've gone in my life – or where I go now – I've always carried your teachings and your love with me."

Will sighed again at that and went back to examining his notes for a moment, shuffling the top card away and scanning the second one. Olivia could feel the emotion in him at that point. The good humour and wit he was trying to project to their guests was starting to wane. So she reached out and gave his bent elbow a squeeze before her hand found the small of his back and pressed it there for him.

"Dad," Will said and shook his head. "I don't know where to start..."

He quieted again for a moment and then looked out finding his father's eyes.

"I think a lot of men will say that it's hard to follow behind their fathers. Following behind a father like you and two older brothers like Rob and Tom - as a McTeague – wasn't always easy for me.

"Dad – in your journey through life, you have left footprints that are as large as they are deep. You are a fair and honorable man. You have a thoughtfulness despite your gruffness – and you have an understanding of actions and consequences. You act with confidence. You are a model of courage.

"To my brothers – Robbie and Tommy – we've put up with each other for 39 years, almost 40. During all of that we've been friends – though sometimes strained, playmates – though sometimes forced, co-conspirators – though it always seems to be me who gets caught, and rather regularly rivals in some way or another – though it always seems to be that gets hurt. I don't expect that any of that is going to change. Ever. I may be your stupid baby brother – but there's still that bond, that whether we ever liked it or not, was only further forged by laughter, tears, scrapped knees, black eyes, shared victories and some pretty stunning defeats. But all the wringers you put me through – and still do – managed to get me here. And, I won't know I'd be here without you guys – as much as I hate admitting that too."

Will hung his head again for a moment and then looked back at his family's table.

"You – my family – have always told me, for as long as I can remember, that I've marched to the beat of a different drummer than the rest of the McTeagues. I don't think that's a bad thing. But I also know that as I chart my own path – I carry all the lessons I have learnt from the four of you – and if I am able to emulate that decency and consideration that all of you reflect in your lives, in your own unique ways, then I will be a man who is worthy of the good name that you've all handed to me."

Will looked at her again and she offered him a thin smile. She knew all of that was difficult for him to get out. His relationship with his family had had so many ups-and-downs but it still had shaped the man he'd become. And, as he grew into that man, Olivia knew he was realizing there were good parts to his family. When contrasted against her upbringing, he might as well have grown up as a Walton. There'd been challenges and stress – hurt feelings and disregard of Will's talents when he didn't quite fit in. But as he grew older – as he had a wife and a child, as they dealt with Noah's illness – it became clearer some of the challenges his parents fought against. And, it became clearer just how much they did care. Their hearts – even his brothers' – were in the right place. Sometimes they just didn't show that in quite the way Will would've preferred. But they were trying.

He snaked up his one hand and took hers, giving her a smile and eyes that she could feel the love and caring behind. His thumb stroked the top of her hand and he turned to look back their guests again – just as she thought he was about to wrap up his thank yous.

"And, then there's one more person, I want to thank for today," he said and glanced at her again. "My wife – still feels a little weird saying it out-loud – Olivia."

He gripped her hand a bit more tightly at that, but his other hand came up to rub at his temple again. He gave her another look and then turned to flip his next card on the podium.

"Ah – I wrote some of this down, because I want to get it right, without starting to re-enact that impersonation that Stabler was doing of me earlier," he said and then let out a deep breath and looked up at the guests again, though he kept her hand tight in his.

"There's a bit of a saying that you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one," Will said a little quietly and looked a little dazed for several moments, like maybe he was trying to see the words on those pages on last time. But he snapped out of it quickly. "I spent a lot of time re-reading the last chapter in my life. So did a lot of the people around me – who loved me and cared about me. It wasn't the best chapter to keep re-reading. For any of us. It was more than a little sad. I'd kind of spent my childhood somehow thinking that even with all our differences, my life was somehow going to look like my family's. That I'd get married, get a house, have some kids. And, then those dreams kind of slipped away in a single day – that then seemed to become this forced defining moment for me for the next seven years. But there's this other saying that I like a lot better: when you finally let go of the past, something better comes along."

Will looked at her and gave her a warm smile and she squeezed his hand a bit tighter.

"I wasn't looking for Olivia – or Noah – when I found them," Will told his guests. "I really don't know what I was looking for at the time – but I am sure glad that Liv decided to move in next to me. These two people came into my life – randomly – but they have completely changed it. Those dreams – a wife, a home, a kid – a family are now a reality.

"Liv, that you have chosen me to be your husband is still a source of wonder and delight for me," Will said and then looked back at the crowd, "especially since we went through a period were I was accused of being a stalker, a possible pedophile for looking at Noah – apparently the wrong way, a creep, a geek and a rather lengthy string of expletives I'm not going to repeat since my son is on a swear jar collection spree tonight.

"I had Liv inform me that I didn't know how to dress, that my taste in music sucked, that I was weird, and that I'd likely do better with the ladies if I stopped talking about boardgames, super heroes, comics and science fiction. You'd think with all of that – she would've gone running. But she didn't. Or she did – and I just followed, and she never did actually take out that threatened restraining order."

She whacked him in the chest again at that – and he gave her a wider smile. He then kept his eyes met with hers, though.

"But – if she's amazing, she won't be easy," Will told her. "If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. I hope I've proven to you that I am worthy. Because, Liv, you are my rock, my comfort, my best friend."

His voice cracked a bit and he looked down. She could feel the tension in his shoulders – even with just holding his hand, as he kept his head hung. When he finally did look up, she could see that tears had started and he was fighting so hard to compose himself.

"I'm almost done," he told her quietly – and shook at his head, like maybe that would make the crying stop. Though it was more likely he was just embarrassed and upset with himself.

"It's OK," she said and squeezed his one hand, reaching out for his other and clutching it too. "I know …"

"I want to finish," he said and broke the grip for a moment to swipe at his eyes. It didn't much help – the tears returned as soon as he let his hand twine with hers again.

He sighed shakily and looked at her – his eyes glassy and watery, the occasional tear leaking out and trailing down his cheek.

"You make me laugh, understand my quirks and you support my dreams and ambitions – even when you don't understand them. You have given me more joy than I ever thought I could have in this life. I cannot imagine my life without you and Noah. And, in the years – and decades to come – I promise to be faithful, loving, patient and forgiving – just like you are with me. I promise to do my best to make you laugh on the hard days – and I will do whatever it takes to make your life and our son's life better. The going may not be easy – but together – I know we can make it. I love you."

The tears were streaming harder down his face at that point – and that combined with his words had pushed her over the edge, she own eyes watering heavily. She knew the tears were going to start any second – and she choked back a soft sob, shaking her head at him.

"I love you too," she told him and brought her arms up around him and gripped him in a tight hug, putting a kiss on his jaw line and then several short ones on his lips before resting her wet cheek against his.

"You idiot, you weren't supposed to make me cry," she murmured softly into his ear.

He let out a choked sob that turned into a small laugh and his chest rumbled against her. He rubbed at her back. "I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it."


	208. Chapter 208

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Ahhhh, sorry," Liv said into the microphone still looking up to the sky and swiping just under her eyes, working at stopping the watering that was occurring.

"He wasn't supposed to do that," she added and shot Will a momentarily look to which he gave her a sheepish smile. "Now he's got my mascara running."

Will touched her chin with his fingertips and turned her face back towards him, reaching and running his thumbs under her eyes for her before swiping the back of his hands gently down her cheeks to remove the last of the trials left by the tears that had slipped out.

"You're OK," he told her quietly, as he dropped his hands away and gave her a sincere and comforting smile.

She was focusing on him – trying to ignore everyone there watching them. Trying to pretend they were just in their bedroom or living room or bathroom or kitchen. That he was smoothing out a stray strand of hair for her, flicking away a piece of lint that somehow became stuck to her eyelash, or teasing her about a missed dribble of food that had missed her mouth before wiping it away on her behalf. Normal couple behaviour. How they acted with each other when they didn't have an audience.

"Yeah?" she asked, wiping at her face one more time on her own.

But his hands came up and stilled her movements – that were more out of nerves and embarrassment than the actual tears still being there. He took her hands in his and brought them back down to her side, keeping a grip on them.

"Yeah," he assured her.

She gave him a small smile, and turned back toward the podium. She wasn't sure she could handle looking at their guests yet – so she shuffled around Will's index cards, finding her three in the bottom of the little pile. She gazed at them for a moment, preparing herself, and then looked up.

"Any thing that I do that even resembles public speaking usually happens in an interrogation room or court room," she admitted. "So my speech is going to be a lot less eloquent than Will's."

"I think you should do it with your interrogation room, Mommy's upset voice," Will leaned in and said quietly into her ear. She glanced at him and smiled. He was trying to calm her with the teasing. She thought it might be helping. But she still just really wanted to get through it – with her reputation intact.

She sighed a little and looked up at the sky again for a moment, letting out a slow breath, before bringing her eyes back down. She was nervous. Talking like this in front of everyone. Saying it all out-loud to people they both knew – who cared about them. But Will had laid himself out there with such a vulnerability. She couldn't leave it as just him hanging out there with his heart on his sleeve.

She had to trust that letting these people in wouldn't be the end of her or an invasion on her and Will's life and relationship. She focused her eyes and glanced around the crowd again for a moment - finding the two tables that her colleagues were at and locating it in relation to where Will's family was.

"I wanted to start by thanking everyone for coming – and for showing your support for our family, not just today but in all the things so many of you have done for us over the past 18 months or so.

"El, John, Fin, Captain … your friendship, your support, your hospital visits, the chats, the jokes, the teasing and pranks, the advice, the cursing, the distractions, the way too much testosterone in my daily life … it's helped me get through not just these recent months but the past 14 years. I know I'm not the easiest to deal with – but neither are any of you – and I appreciate having had a group of such strong, good, caring men in my life, both for me and for my son. You set the standard pretty high for what I was looking for in a man I would want to spend the rest of my life with. It meant I probably took a bit longer than most to find what I was looking for. But it helped me be able to get to this point.

"I want to give a special thanks to Will's family – especially his parents. Ted and May have been more than generous in their contribution and continuous support of this wedding, our relationship and our family.

"Will's parents have always been very welcoming – to me, and especially to Noah. They allowed the two of us to enter into their home and gave us every opportunity to feel like a part of a larger family – right from the first day we met them. I feel immensely fortunate to have married into such a strong and caring community – and for my son to have the opportunity to grow up surrounded by loving grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.

"I didn't have much of an example of what a happy marriage, stable relationship or loving family looked like while I was growing up. But when I look at the two of you, I see how love, support, patience and mutual respect has provided you with the foundation for a long and strong marriage. I hope that that example you have set for Will – and for me – will guide us as we work at building a home as welcoming and as full of love and happiness as yours."

Olivia paused for a moment and fingered at the index cards before looking back up again.

"I have taken some teasing about Will over the past four years. About how did I end up with a man who can quote Star Wars like Bible passages? Who collects comic books and who has won boardgame championships? A man who is often more interested in the statically probability of one of the Knicks or Yankees winning a game – than what is actually happening on the court or field? A man who talks about equations and theories and algorithms – and can sometimes dress like the frumpy professor? But those parts of my husband are just his interests – they aren't who the man I came to know actually is. They are just pieces of him – but it's those pieces that have helped Will become a great father to our son and probably the first – and only – great love of my life."

She offered him a glance at that, before looking back to her notes for a second and then looking up and outward again.

"I can't explain to you how much joy I get from listening to Will and Noah play Star Wars. Someone should really ask Will to do his Chewbacca or lightstabre noises later tonight. It's not just El who can do impersonations. I can't tell you how much I enjoy watching Will and Noah get home with new comics only to build a fort in our bedroom and then end up in it with their noses stuck in comic books for the rest of the afternoon. I can't explain to you what how much fun it is sit and help my husband and son work on yet ANOTHER Lego set that Popa can't seem to arrive for a visit without."

She shot Ted a look. She'd already seen the large wrapped box sitting in the living room when she'd been inside. She didn't need to watch Noah unwrap it to know what was inside – yet another Lego set to mark their special day. And, she was pretty sure based on the size of the box, it was going to be the Millennium Falcon that Noah had been asking for for over a year. She'd put off getting it for him because of its 1,500 little pieces to step on, its nine and up age recommendation and its $150 price-tag.

But if Will's face had melted about the Yankees tickets – Noah's would with this set. And, really, Will would likely be just as excited. An extended building project for the two of them – and finally a vehicle for her Han and Chewy to take their little Han Solo and Chewbacca figures on adventures in.

"I may not have been looking for a man who could tell me the difference between a Klingon and Jar Jar Binks. Or a man who could explain to me that Episodes 4 through 6 of Star Wars are the ORIGINAL Star Wars. Or a man who could tell me that a discussion about sheep and wood doesn't have to have any sexual undertones to it – it could be a trade negotiation in Settlers of Catan. Or a man who could argue with me about whether Batman or Spiderman would be better additions to the NYPD … I had a lot to contribute to that conversation.

"The reality is that, those interests of Will's, helped him win over my son – which eventually … won over me. Those interests provided him with the foundation, where I know that Noah is growing up with not just a great father but a wonderful friend and playmate, who will always be there for HIS little boy.

"But as much as I now can't imagine my life anymore without Han and Chewy, Luke and Yoda, Jedi and Sith, Batman and Robin, Spiderman and the Green Goblin or Superman and Lex Luther … those talking points are just Will's interests. They aren't Will.

"Who Will really is, is the most caring, talented, modest and charming man I've ever met in my life. Though, Will's persistence in trying to be my friend – and then trying to be my boyfriend and then trying to be my fiancée, and then trying to finally set the date to be my husband – sometimes pissed me off."

"Just sometimes?" Will interjected at that.

She finally looked back at him and shot him a smile and lightly tapped him in the middle of the chest with the back of her hand.

Olivia looked back out to their guests, finally looking up from her notes she'd been mostly sticking to reading off of; trying to avoid eye contact and calm her nerves - to keep up her front as best she could and to avoid embarrassment.

"But," she stressed, "I was always attracted to Will's determination. And, as I got to know him - in our neighbourly conversations at the start – his ambition and drive became that much more apparent."

She found Elliot's eyes out among their guests. "I've had people ask me too when I knew that I was actually going to be with Will for the long haul – likely because I took so long to admit to all of you that we were in a relationship." She rubbed at her eyebrow. "But Will and I took a while to admit that to each other too."

She got quiet for a moment and felt Will's fingers against her elbow – giving her a gentle touch and a small squeeze, similar to what she'd offered him during his speech. She turned her head and met his gaze, giving him a smile, which he returned tenderly. She took his hand.

"So, I put some thought into that lately for this. It's hard pick out a specific moment. For me, it was a slow realization that on the days that I didn't get to see Will – I missed him. I realized that I want to hold your hand, laugh at your jokes, walk by your side, look into your eyes and talk about whatever – every, single day. On the days that I didn't get to do that – something was missing. People told me that having a child would change my life – and Noah definitely did that. But it was Will that, I think, has helped me complete it."

She smiled at him some more and looked down – before looking back out at the guests yet again.

"But I don't think that's what any of you want to hear. So this is what I came up with …"

She gave Will another smile and dropped his hand for a moment.

"I'd known Will about six – and we'd gotten in the habit of taking walks and to Noah the park when we could on the weekend. It's something we still try to do. It was the spring. A beautiful day out. We'd been walking for a while and I'd gone over to a vendor to get us a bottle of water or a pretzel or … something. There was a group of buskers near by, and Will had taken Noah over to watch and listen while I paid. There was a bit of a line and I looked over and it was the first times I saw Will do one of his fantastic dance moves …"

Olivia looked at him again. "Do you know what I'm talking about?" she asked.

He shook his head and rolled his eyes at her – but then nodded. "Yeah," he mumbled and smiled at her a bit.

"I'd really like if you did it," she told him.

He let out a bit of a stalled laugh and rubbed at his temple but then smiled at her. "You mean this?" he asked and reverted back to the '90s, doing a few jerky movements of the Jiggy, his raised hands and tucked-in elbows shaking while swinging his waist and shuffling his feet a bit.

She smiled and nodded. "Will did that," she said, "and then I watched as my almost three-year-old son mirror him and do this …" she made the movements too.

Will laughed at her and she smiled at him. It really was mild in comparison to some of the silly dancing they did for each other and Noah in their living room – as they tried to out-do each other in their foolishness and maneuverability. Still, she rubbed her eyebrow, slightly embarrassed but turned back to their guests.

"Will didn't care that anyone was looking. He didn't care about what they thought. He was just being himself – and he was sharing that part of himself with my son, who thought Will was, and is, about the coolest person ever. Noah was right. He realized that sooner than I did – and I'm glad I had the clear eyes of a two-year-old to help me see it. Because Will has always been himself with me. He's always been honest with me. And, he's never made any apologies for who is he. Take it or leave it – he's told me more than once. But you can't just walk away from someone as cool as Will. Even our six-year-old knows that."

She looked at him again and gave him a bit of an embarrassed smile.

"Will, you have a gift for turning the mundane into amusement. You see the comic irony in the world around us. Your wry humour is a constantly lightens our days. And, you unceasingly remind me to relax – to not take everything so seriously.

"You have a natural tenacity and an ability to accept life as it unfolds – and you do so with a courage about you, that you don't give yourself enough credit for. And even in all the changes life keeps throwing at us – you navigate it with an elegance, acceptance and humour that I want to emulate in my life, and I want our son to emulate in his. You are remarkable to watch – and you are stronger than you know."

She sighed and looked down, as he squeezed her hand tightly, before she looked up and out to the tables again.

"My mom told me at various points in my life – that if I was going to bother getting married and intended to stay in this city, I better marry rich. It's advice that likely contributed to a string of pretty bad relationships. But – I think maybe I heard her wrong – because I couldn't have found a man richer than Will. He is rich in inner strength, kindness, forgiveness, patience and humour. Over the past four years, Will has become the lynchpin in mine and Noah's world. He's been my babysitter, my maid, my chef, my butler, my dry cleaner, my nurse, my administrative assistant, my personal cheerleader … my partner, my best friend and now my husband.

"I love you, not only for who you are – but for who I am when I am with you," she said, looking back to Will, feeling her eyes starting to water again and understanding more the challenge he'd had in getting through the last words in his own speech. "I love you for the parts of me that you bring out. And I love you for taking the time to look at me and see the things that no one else had taken the time to see – and for not running away when you saw them. I love you because you have helped me make this life worth living. I love you because you have done so much good for me – and you have done so much to make me happy. Being with you feels like home to me."

Will smiled at her at that and rubbed at the top of her hand more with his thumb.

"Love you," he mouthed at her – and she gave a bit of an embarrassed smile.

She sighed and looked back at their guests again, rubbing at her eyebrow. "And, that was also my attempt at a segue into our first dance. After an extended amount of bickering – because that's really what about 90 per cent of our relationship is – we settled on Feels Like Home. Will won't be able to show you any more of his dance moves during it – but Noah's picked Don't Slow Down for a family dance after that, and it should be a good showcase."

Will snorted and shook his head, lifting her hand a bit more. "You ready?" he asked.

She nodded and started to follow him as he lead her over to the grassy space in the yard.


	209. Chapter 209

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I don't have the plague," Will teased her as the music started but she stayed at arm's length from him in their dancing embrace.

She gave him a small smile and looked down a little embarrassed. "I know," she said quietly. "It's just …" she nodded her head back towards where everyone was sitting and she knew staring at them, even though her back was to them for the moment.

"I'm pretty sure they'll be looking at us more and wondering what the hell we're doing if we dance the whole song like this," he told her, and stepped closer to her, ending the middle-school awkwardness of their separation.

She sighed and let him make the move, as his arms snaked more fully around her waist and her hands came to rest around his neck, rather than clasping at his shoulders.

"Hey," he smiled at her as he finished closing the distance – and then leaned in and put a small kiss against her cheek. "Did I mention how beautiful you look today?"

His eyes were dancing at her. Even in the dimming light of the day and under the strings of white lights across the yard, she could see the sparkle in them. It was infectious.

She let her hand cup the back of his near bare head and leaned in to close the last couple of inches between them and initiated a brief kiss that Will held onto a little longer than she might've liked in front of everyone. But he smiled so sincerely at her again as they broke apart and she couldn't help returning it.

Olivia shuffled a bit closer to him again and let herself rest her cheek against his – feeling more of his body press against her and the slight sway of their bodies to the slow and almost sorrowful music. There was such a quiet melancholy to the songstress' voice that an average listener might miss how perfect the song was for what their relationship had become.

It had felt like they'd discussed what their first dance should be a little too obsessively. They'd gone between everything ranging from fast to slow. The expected and traditional to completely obscure that none of their guests would likely know and probably would've been surprised at the song choice. They'd chatted about funny and sad and meaningful. Songs that meant something to them and their relationship. Songs that they liked dancing to at home. Songs that they just thought they'd be good at dancing at – or comfortable dancing to.

It'd been a rather extended debate. They'd gone back-and-forth between several songs. Some of the choices had stayed at the top of the list for a while until something else would get suggested and knock it out.

Will had seemed almost more invested in the choice than Olivia had been. But Will's love of music seemed to be at another level than hers. Still, they'd finally settled on Feels Like Home. She'd been surprised when it had been one of Will's suggestions. He wasn't much for female artists. But as sentimental as the song seemed – as weepy as it was (almost a little embarrassingly so) – it really summed up their feelings for each other and the life they'd managed to establish in a way that neither of them likely knew how to explain to their guests. Or rather, in a way that they would've been embarrassed to express in quite that way – even with everything they had already said out loud to each other.

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself

Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

She could smell Will's cologne as she rested her cheek against his. He so rarely wore cologne and even when he did, he did so sparingly. It intermingled with the faintest scent of his shaving cream and his bodywash from the morning – and there was the whiff of the beer he'd had with his meal radiating off him too. He smelled good. He smelled like Will and then some. She thought that was likely a dangerous combination.

With all the emotions of the day, with Will's kind words, with how handsome he looked in his dressed up clothes, with that smell on his skin – she wasn't sure his prediction that the majority of couples didn't actually have sex on their wedding night would be playing true. Especially at that particular moment – in his embrace and feeling him pressed so intimately, but so publicly, against her.

Still, Olivia was already feeling tired for the day. And, she hadn't had to go through the evening of dancing where she knew that at least Will, Noah, Ted and Rob would be making sure she stayed out on the dance floor. She wouldn't be surprised if Elliot and Tom felt obligated to dance with her either.

She was looking forward to some of it. Beyond their first dance, they'd taken the time to pick a variety of other songs that were meaningful to them or that they had fun dancing to at home. They hadn't been too concerned about what their guests would think of their music choices or their dance-ibility. They were slightly more concerned about what Noah would get excited about.

They'd already laughed a bit about how some of their guests were likely going to be surprised at some of the music that was in the top rotation in their house. It really felt like they were giving them another intimate and private glimpse into their living room. Olivia had been a little hesitant about it. But, really, the dancing was supposed to be the most fun part of the night for them. It was part of what Noah was most looking forward to. So they were just going to have to let down their walls a bit more.

"You doing OK?" Will asked her.

She nodded. "Yeah. Are you?"

She could feel his cheek pull into a smile against her. "Yeah," he told her and she felt his hand caress at the base of her back a bit more. "It's been really nice," he added and held her a bit tighter again. "Not nearly as bad as I expected. And no hurricane."

She snorted at that and smiled some more as he rocked and swayed her slowly to the music. The weather had held out beautifully – and considering their general luck with things, that was almost shocking. But she'd take it. They couldn't feel the storm in the air yet, either. Though the wind was starting to feel more breezy and the temperature was dropping to more autumn like levels was the sun really set over the city. She'd be glad when the infrared heaters were started up and the fire got going. She'd likely be pulling on her sweater too – up over her bare arms and shoulders – at least until her core temperature rose with the dancing.

"Your parents have been really kind" she told Will in her attempt to make quiet conversation and to distract herself from feeling the eyes on her. She was placing her head more firmly against Will and closing her eyes a bit as in their swaying she was facing their guests. She'd had to let them into so much of her private life already that day. She wanted her first dance with her husband to be as private and as much of a one-on-one moment as possible – despite the forced spectacle it was. "Your Mom managed to not go crazy."

It was Will's turn to offer a small laugh at that. "I'm as shocked as you are. But the night is still young. She still has her chance."

She knocked his shoulder a bit at that. "Don't say that," she told him and pulled away to offer him a small smile. "We'll have to do something to thank them," she said as she settled back against him.

"Mmm," he said. "They won't expect anything – or accept it. We'll just have to be a little less grumpy about their Christmastime shindigs. Or Thanksgiving. Can you believe it will have been four years ago next month that you got to meet my wonderful family?"

She snorted again and rested her head against his shoulder a bit. "Good thing I got past first impressions."

She felt him smile again and he placed another small peck on her jaw-line. "Good thing you didn't scare them."

"I did scare them," she interjected.

He smiled. "They deserved it," he said and fell quite for a moment. "It was the first time you said anything nice about me," he added softly, almost a little embarrassedly.

It'd been such a tense meeting in that backyard all those years ago. It felt like a different lifetime anymore. She could remember it so vividly – but it felt so much like the past, she wasn't even sure it was worth thinking about. They'd all managed to come a long way since then.

She leaned against him a bit more. "You deserved that. And they needed to hear it."

They had. Even then in only knowing Will a short time – in not knowing what he was to her – she'd already known he was special. A good man. And, his family needed to start acknowledging it more. She knew that had been a slow process for all over them over the past four years too. But she thought that day had also proven they were getting there too. They were a family – or something like it – now. Good and bad. Tension and anger. Past and present. They were figuring out how to make it work. It was a process.

He silently wrapped his arms around her tighter at that and they both just listened to the music for several seconds. Feeling each other's bodies and movements. Each other's hearts and breathing.

"So you remember the deal?" Will asked as the song started to wind down.

She gave a small nod against him. "Dance like no one is looking," she said softly.

"Going to be able to do it?"

She pulled back and gave him a small smile. "For Noah, yes."

He returned the smile and leaned in to give her another kiss – which this time she was the one who lingered longer, forcing herself to ignore all the people sitting the next yard over and looking at them. He danced his eyes at her again as the song faded to its end and then slowly dropped his arms from her – her almost forcing herself to do the same. She wasn't sure she wanted to let go.

Will waved over to Noah. "Com'on, buddy," he called. "Let's dance."

Olivia let out a deep breath as Noah trotted over – preparing herself to make a complete fool of herself in front of everyone they knew. This was going to be a side of her that most of them hadn't ever seen. It really was likely a side of Will that his family hadn't seen either.

This was living room dancing. All out craziness. The sillies and giggles that they entertained themselves with at home. Part of the slow process of Will breaking down her walls as they got to know each other – and what had so grown into a part of their family life. Something that had become such a comfort in creating normal family moments and fun while Noah had been ill. It was cherished time. Private time. And, they were about to expose that to everyone in a very real way. She could only hope they'd laugh with them and not at them.

She bent down slightly, lifting up her heels and slipping her shoes off.

Will turned back to her as Noah trotted over to them. He gave her a questioning look. "What are you doing?" he asked.

She tossed her heels off to the side, out of their way. Her care-factor on preserving shoes had died around the time she was five months pregnant with Noah. His arrival had only reinforced that shoes … boots … were just footwear. She wasn't going to think twice about throwing them across the yard – no matter how much they might've cost when she bought them. At least these ones weren't a special purchase for the big day. They'd be dug from the bottom of the closet as a reasonable pairing for her dress.

"I can't Noah dance in those," she told him flatly but then gave him a small glare and pointed at him accusingly. "You better not bounce on my toes."

Will snorted and shook his head but then lifted his heel and pulled off his one shoe and shucked off his sock too. "See," he mumbled, "this is why you're feet are always so cold. You're always running around in your bare feet."

"It's better to dance barefoot," she informed him and looked at Noah. "Right, sweets?"

He nodded and then seemed to take that as his cue – plopping his butt in the grass and pulling off his shoes too.

Will shook his head again, as he tossed their son's shoes off to the side. "Now they're all really looking at us and wondering what we're doing."

She shrugged. "Oh well."

This moment was about Noah. It was about their family. She wasn't going to let herself care too much about what any of them were thinking in that moment. The only thoughts that mattered were Noah's … and Will's. Her boys. It was a family moment. Their guests were just guests invited into it for a few minutes.

Will smiled and then looked at Noah. "You ready to show them your moves, bud?"

Noah hopped up and down at that. "DON'T SLOW DOWN!" he declared.

Olivia snorted and Will looked over to the table his one nephew was manning. "OK. Let's go!" he called over.

The music started and Noah started bouncing a long with the drumbeat before flailing his arms around and then literally hopping. Her and Will joined him in the all out flailing around – not slowing down.

Gardens and trashcans

Hoodies and Chuck T's

Arms fingers and hands

Don't slow down

Don't slow down

I'm feeling restless

Don't slow down

Summons and sentence

Don't slow down

We've made some messes

Don't slow down

There was no way to dance to the song in any logical manner - and that was part of the fun of it for Noah. There wasn't a point in even trying. But they only had to look at their son's creased concentration at his makeshift dance moves and glowing smile at his efforts to keep going.

Will started clapping along with the music as her and Noah waved their arms and hopped. Olivia being sure to hop from side-to-side in the way her son loved – swinging her hips a bit and shaking her hair around.

"DON'T SLOW DOWN!" he cheered.

She didn't think neither her or Will intended to slow down after the song ended either.


	210. Chapter 210

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"I'm starting to see why Liv isn't coming back to work yet," John commented. "She clearly hasn't passed the pysch exam."

Casey snorted and looked at the detective. "Because she's dancing?"

John glanced at her from their view off on the sidelines of where a rather significant dance party – at least of the McTeagues and company - had started. The NYPD and SVU representation out in the yard seemed to be a little stunted. Instead, they all seemed to be taking in the scene.

"Is that dancing?" John asked. "I thought she was having some kind of seizure."

Casey laughed and took another sip from her beer. "I don't know. It kind of looks like they're having fun to me."

The couple's first dance and then the family dance had given way to more inclusive jump-around moments. Casey was actually almost surprised at how light the music had been so far. It was a rather funny and eclectic playlist they had going. Not necessarily anything she would've imagined playing in Benson's household. But as she was watching the detective's little son smile and bounce around – she could see why they music was likely popular in the family. And, it was getting people off their asses and out on the dance 'floor' too. Well – some people. New York's finest were apparently rather intimidated by the dance floor and the FDNY were putting them to shame.

At the moment they were all bounding swaying around to Hello. It was clearly a practiced song – or at least a popular and repeated one for the family. There were definite moves going on. Some of them rather hilarious – not to mention co-ordinated. It was like they had a whole routine and Casey was almost surprised how into it Olivia seemed. Of course, she'd definitely noticed the woman was focusing on her husband and son and not anyone else.

"They're pretty good," she added and gave John another glance and smile.

"I'm sure it took a lot of practice to get those air keyboard moves down," the detective added drily.

Casey nearly choked on her beer at that and looked at Will and Noah alternating turns at pounding at the air in front of them like they were at a keyboard along with the music. As ridiculous as it was – it was still a co-ordinated maneuver. Will was looking over at the little boy ever time he rose from his Schroeder-esque pose – and then Noah would mirror his movements.

"Will's got some pretty good moves," she added in his defence. "They both clearly know how to dance."

"Or love is blind," John suggested. "These dance moves are really just the beginning of the slow march to divorce."

She shook her head. "I can see why you've had so many failed marriages with cheery attitude at a wedding," she said.

"You really think a marriage is going to last when the guy dances like that?"

She snorted and looked at Will again. He had his one hand on Olivia's hip and was being really ridiculous for her. But she seemed to be eating it up – backing away from him and doing her own silly dance moves each time the song said 'You're alright but I'm here darling to enjoy the party. Don't get too excited 'cause that's all you'll get from me. Yeah, I think you're cute but I really think that you should know, I just came to say hello.'

They were both just breaking out in to beyond crazy - but clearly with some talent and rhythm - arm and leg movements and Noah was right in there in it with them. He was more bouncing in circles around them like he had a microphone and was singing along with the lyrics.

On the lyrics alone, Munch might have a point about the marriage. But she definitely didn't get the impression that Olivia was just there to say hello.

Casey had run into Will enough on their jogs in Central Park that she'd gotten to know him – he was a really nice guy. She could see the appeal. He was handsome, smart, fit, funny. He was an all-round nice guy – even if he was a little weird. Olivia had lucked out. And, Casey had also encountered the family enough on their Saturday brunches too to know that they definitely functioned as a family – like they'd always been together. They weren't in it just to enjoy the party. They were the party – at least in their own minds. The rest of them should just be happy they were invited, Casey thought. Because it was likely a one-night only invitation that none of them were about to get again for a long time.

This was a limited edition glimpse into the family's life. What Casey was seeing was a happy couple and a little boy that didn't seem near as sick as she'd imagined. It was nice to see. It made her feel even happier for them and it also gave her some relief for her colleague too. Things might not be as bad as she'd imagined – and even if they were, Olivia clearly had a large and firm support network. She didn't have to worry about her colleague quite as much as she had been maybe.

"I think it's better than the funky chicken you're pulling off over here," she told him.

John looked at her. "I'll have you know that these dance moves took years of practice."

She snorted and handed him her beer. "You hold this while you keep on practicing."

John took at it and she gave him a thin smile and then started her own ridiculous moves – more of a cha-slide - over towards the clump of people – giving John a look.

He shook his head again. "THIS IS WHY PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN DRINKING SHOULDN'T DANCE AT THESE THINGS!" he called after her.

She added some jiving hand movements. "Stick in the mud," she called back to Munch – a saying she'd heard the Benson-McTeagues tease each other with.

Then she turned her back to him and started jumping around with the rest of Will's family.


	211. Chapter 211

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"Can I borrow her for a few minutes?" Olivia heard asked and reluctantly looked away from Will's eyes, which she'd been so set on during the slow dance and their loose embrace.

Even though they'd become surrounded by others out in the yard for the dance – she'd almost found that she'd become even more set on her husband in it.

The music had been going for a while at that point. Some people were starting to tire and heading back to the food area to pick at desserts and to continue to liquor themselves up while others were having beer-infused confidence instilled in them by the drink and were trying to demonstrate their abilities with even less inhibition on the dance floor. But with the slower music coming on – many had cleared some space in the yard, opening it for some of the couples who'd been avoiding the foolish aerobatics that had been happening in some of the other songs.

Meanwhile, a lot of the younger kids and some of the teenagers had moved over to the bonfire that was now crackling. Olivia had been keeping one of her eyes on Noah for a bit, but he seemed fine with his cousins and Will's brothers and sisters-in-law were taking turns supervising over there to make sure no one did anything stupid by the fire. As she suspected, the kids seemed pretty excited about the opportunity to get to make S'mores when it wasn't in a camping setting.

She could see Noah roasting a marshmallow at the moment and she wondered which S'more he was one. She suspected at least number three. She didn't know where he was putting it. He never ate as much as he was that night. Even if he was hungry, she was sure his little stomach would've shrunk enough that he didn't have the space for half the things he was stuffing into himself.

She was a little concerned that Ted and May were going to be scarred by another night of the little boy puking. Though, she didn't really think this puking could entirely be blamed on just chemo.

Olivia had thought about cutting him off – but Noah would likely be upset. And, really, it felt so good just to see him eating a bit that she didn't want to derail his efforts. Even if his body kept some of it down long enough to absorb the nutrients of it – that would likely count for a lot.

Still, she thought she should likely head over to the fire and check in on him. Maybe let him make her and Will a S'more so that he wasn't ingesting all the sugar himself.

But for the moment she looked to Elliot instead. She wasn't sure she much liked his request to break her apart from Will – and she thought that Will might like it even less from the look on his face. Still, he was slowly extracting himself from her embrace and allowing her partner a thin smile.

"Sure," Will mumbled quietly and gave her a small look before he wandered off.

She saw that he was headed towards Becky, who'd been standing off to the side for most of the dancing. Tom clearly hadn't thought that maybe he should take the opportunity to ask his wife to dance now that a slow song was up. Leave it to Will, to go and make sure she was OK and give her the opportunity to get out on the dance floor.

As much as Olivia didn't much like missing the first slow song since the first dance with her husband – she was glad that he was going to give Becky the opportunity to have some fun. The woman took seriousness to a whole new level – and Olivia knew she did a pretty good job of that herself. But with Tom's work – and just Tom, in general – and all the kids to take care of in their never-ending energy (that Olivia felt bordered on serious behaviour and discipline problems), Becky always just looked a little overwhelmed. It was like the poor woman was trying to wrangle an entire family on her own and that Tom only recognized that about 20 per cent of the time.

Sometimes Will pointed at Tom's family and said 'See, that's what my childhood was like.' She thought Will's was likely a bit better than that, actually. Though, she knew Will's parents – especially his father – were working hard with him now to make up for past mistakes.

Either way – Becky deserved some distraction and fun. Olivia was glad Will was going to try to get her to let her guard down to do that for at least the moment. Because with a quick scan of the yard, it looked like Tom was over yakking it up and boozing with some FDNY family friends that Ted had insisted had to be invited because they'd been at the other boys' weddings.

Initially Olivia had argued about that. Though she still wasn't that excited about having a handful of people there she didn't even know (though she was sure she'd probably met these people at a barbeque or Christmas function and just couldn't remember them), the fact was that it was clear that Ted and May had taken on the majority of the expense of the function. So if they wanted to pay for another to feed (or with the FDNY brethren – to booze), she supposed that was up to them.

She gave Elliot a bit of a look and rubbed at her eyebrow. She wasn't really sure she wanted to dance with him. It was the first slow song of the night – a little delayed and buried. But she thought he should be over with Kathy – not breaking up her and Will. Still, he held up his hand in almost a high-school-esque slow dance offering. She let out a bit of a breath.

Years of detective banquets and holiday parties and what-not – and Elliot had never asked her to dance before. And, really, she was fine with that. She hadn't even touched him yet and it felt awkward. If she'd thought the first dance with Will in front of everyone had felt unnatural – this felt even more-so.

Still, she lifted her hand and let her palm meet his and their fingers lace a bit. She placed her hand on his shoulder and tried not to flinch – or feel too strange about Elliot's hand coming to her hip. For years now that was a place that only Will had touched. Really as touchy as El ever got was to occasionally hover his hand near the small of her back as they went through doors. Even that wasn't really touching. He rarely touched her. Even the number of the hugs they'd had over 13-plus years of knowing each other, were so far between, and distinct, that she thought she could remember just about each one of them. There had been so few. So this just felt a little strange – no matter how platonic and expected of moment it likely was.

She wasn't even sure that El knew how to dance. At all the events over the years she'd only ever seen him take Kathy out to the dance floor a handful of times too – if he even bothered to bring her. She wasn't sure Elliot was the most romantic – or even considerate – husband. She knew he had good qualities as a person and as a father and she assumed as a husband. But she sure wouldn't want to be married to him. He was hard enough to work with. She thought he likely could take some husband training from Will. Though, she wasn't sure the two of them would ever jive in that way that El wouldn't be labeling Will has a little weird. They'd never really be friends, she didn't think. Even now – and she'd seen great improvements in their limited interactions with each other in the time since Noah got sick and her shooting the organizing the wedding.

She guessed Will was her kind of weird, though. It didn't matter that he wasn't her partner's kind of weird. She'd thought about channeling Dr. Seuss on that one: 'We're all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.'

She wasn't sure that her and Will's weirdness looked that compatible on the surface – but it seemed to work for them. She'd grown to like his weird. Though, seeing his weird through her son's eyes definitely helped. Excitement about Star Wars and super heroes seemed a lot more acceptable when you had a little boy eating it up. Now she wouldn't rob or remove that from either of them.

"So?" she asked, as they swayed a bit to the music.

She was more looking at his feet -watching he didn't step on her still bare ones - than him. She hadn't bothered to go and find her shoes when the slow song started. That would've just robbed some of the dance time with Will from her. But she didn't think El would be as conscious of – or even aware of – her bare toes as Will had been. And, Will still had bare feet too, if he had decided to step on her toes. Elliot would definitely just crush them with his big feet and heavy looking shoes.

He gave her a shrug. "You look like you're having fun," he commented flatly.

She glanced up at him and gave him a small smile. "I am," she allowed.

She glanced around the yard trying to spot some of the other guys. She really hadn't been that attentive to the guests. She was doing her own thing at that point – spending time with Will and Noah. That's how she always planned to spend the day. But she knew that the evening was reaching the point that some people would be starting to excuse themselves and drift off. The ones who didn't do that soon would've clearly settled in for the night – and she suspected her and Will might be excusing themselves before even the last of the stragglers left.

Fin had been out on the dance floor earlier. He'd chatted with her and Will a bit and offered his congratulations before showing Noah a few moves. There'd been some glee about anyone showing him dance moves. Though, Liv didn't really think that Fin had any idea how to dance and was just playing with the little boy. Noah didn't need to know that, though. He could pretend like he was going to get out to the club instead. But beyond Fin and Casey, Olivia hadn't seen any of her invited guests out in the yard. And, up until that point, she hadn't gone to seek any of them out either.

"How's everyone else doing?" she asked El, figuring he'd likely been on the sidelines with them since he wasn't on the dance floor.

She had seen some of his kids out there – Dickie and Lizzie and their guests, at least. She'd seen the twins over at the fire the last time she looked in Noah's direction, though. It looked like some of Rob's teens were there at the moment for them to chat at. She wasn't sure where Kathleen was. She would've thought Kathleen might like dancing – but maybe that was something she'd given up after some of the fall-out leading into her bipolar diagnosis.

Elliot nodded. "They're OK. Munch is working at scarring the FDNY perspective of the NYPD forever."

She groaned at that and glanced around trying to spot him. She couldn't see him at the moment. Noah had been disappointed earlier in the night that Unkie Munchie wouldn't come and dance. But at that point she didn't think Noah was going to get that wish. Apparently Munch was a little more bashful than she would've thought.

"What's he saying?" she asked.

Elliot shrugged. "The usual. Being John."

"Lovely," she mumbled. Talking made it easier to ignore how weird it felt to actually be sort of dancing with him – and to have his hands on her in that way. "You and Kathy? The kids? Are having an OK time?"

He nodded again. "Yeah. It's been a nice afternoon, Liv," he said and offered her a more sincere smile.

"Good," she said a bit more quietly. She wanted people to be having a nice time – even though she'd been more focused on getting herself, Will and Noah through the day than everyone else.

"I do think it's my responsibility as maid of honour to let you know, though, that I think you're going to be losing some of your guests soon. You might want to talk to a couple of them before they feel too neglected. Maybe offer Cragen a dance …"

She snorted at that and rolled her eyes.

"Might be a good idea," El offered again. "I think Will's father has accosted him. He now looks even more uncomfortable and out of place than he did before."

She glanced over her shoulder at that and managed to locate where Ted was chatting it up at the Captain. Cragen definitely looked bored and uncomfortable. He actually looked like he was staring across the yard and just giving nods to her father-in-law's conversation attempts. Ted would be in his element and likely beyond thrilled he was getting the opportunity to talk at her Captain and a long time member of the Force. But she wasn't sure that Ted and Cragen would have a lot to talk about. They were kind of cut from a different mould.

"I guess I could go save him," Olivia conceded.

"Next slow one?" El suggested. "I get a couple more minutes with you."

She snorted. "You get eight-plus hours with me every day."

He shrugged. "I haven't for a while – and you aren't coming back just yet."

"Aw. You going to miss me, El?" she teased.

He shook his head. "No. I've got enough women nagging at me in my life. I don't need you around to add to it."

"Ah," she conceded. "You know you're supposed to say nice things to me today?"

"That'd be out of character," he said.

She snorted at that again and shook her head. The song couldn't end soon enough. Though, she wasn't sure she needed the next slow one to come too quickly, if she was going to make chit-chat and play-nice with Cragen.

They had a strange relationship. She some times had difficult navigating it. They'd definitely had strained moments over the years – and some of it had become even more awkward has he had to be her boss while she dealt with Noah and the shooting. She knew he was concerned about her and her son – but he had to follow policy – and that had definitely created moments of tension where he'd become one of the enemies. Though, she knew he was just doing his job.

But, still, she supposed Elliot was right – she should at least try to acknowledge her guests before they all disappeared and then she took time away from work and didn't see them for months. She needed to be polite – even if it was her wedding day. In a few more hours she'd have Will and her son all to herself again and she could go back to her quiet home-life and not worry about what everyone thought and making chit-cat. But for the moment – she had to play nice and be the hostess bride to a point.


	212. Chapter 212

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia glanced around the room as they walked into the little loft apartment above Tom's garage. She'd never been in the space before and as Will flipped the lights on by the door, she certainly didn't regret that she'd never been invited to poke her head into it previously.

"I can't believe we're spending our wedding night sleeping above your brother's garage," she mumbled and took in the little area a bit more.

There wasn't much to see. She'd actually seen some pretty crappy crash pads in some shoebox-sized studio apartment that she'd considering classifying as nicer. All there was in there was a double bed that looked rather saggy and with linens that had enough oranges in them that she was wondering if they'd been salvaged from the 1970s. Beyond that there was an armchair that definitely looked like it was from the 70s. The twill brown material was worn with age. It looked like something that Ted's ass likely would've had to be pried out of before it got deposited in the loft. And the fact that it likely moved from Will's parent's house to the loft – that May let go of and updated some of her furniture and décor – said a lot about just how bad it looked.

An old tube TV sitting on a little stand - that was covered in laminate made to look like wood - was bending under the weight of the thing. Olivia almost wondered if the TV was colour or black and white. She knew everyone in Will's family had upgraded to various sizes and technologies of flat-screens. But she didn't think any of them had thought to move their old TVs up there. This one was definitely older than what she'd expect to find in the 2000s – or even the '90s. She was guessing it was from the late-80s and that might be being generous.

Against the one wall there was an area that almost resembled a kitchenette. Or rather, there was a faded counter top with a couple cupboards overhead – a small bar fridge and a hot plate. There wasn't even a microwave and what almost looked like a camp kettle was sitting a top of the hot plate's burner.

A door off the 'kitchenette' lead to the bathroom. But she was afraid to even go and look in it. It definitely wouldn't have a nice, deep tub for her to soak in – not like the bathroom in their bedroom at home. She just hoped it was clean and not covered in mild-dew or black-mould that would gross her out if, and when, she needed to take a pee.

"It's not that bad," Will said and moved over to where someone had placed their overnight bags on the big arm chair.

She wasn't sure where they were supposed to hang their wedding clothes. She didn't see anything that looked like a closet – or even a coat rack or hooks … or even a hanger. But she definitely wasn't going to be draping her wedding dress over the back of that chair – even if she never planned to wear it again. And, if Will made his usual move to leave his clothes on the floor until tossing them in the hamper in the morning – she'd have a thing or two to say about that. The shag carpet looked like it'd seen better days. The dust and potential smell that might seep into the suit, that she could actually see him putting on again at some point in his career, wasn't going to be something she risked either.

"Oh, it's what I've always dreamed about for the setting of my wedding night," she teased back and opened a couple of the cupboards and the fridge in the kitchenette to take a peak.

At least it looked like someone had thought of them again – even if they hadn't thought too much about the age of the place or the cleanliness. There was a small plate of chocolate-covered strawberries in the fridge and a bottle of wine chilling. It looked like there was a few other snacks for them in the cupboards too – at least she hoped they'd been put there for them and hadn't been sitting there for years. But she wasn't sure she had room yet to even think about ingesting anything more that night anyways. There were some glasses and bowls and napkins around too. Nothing too sophisticated – and really not a long-term living situation – but it was enough for the night.

Will turned and gave her a small smile at the comment and watched her for a moment. "You see the bottle of wine I put in there? It's the good stuff."

She allowed him a smile. "Ah. That was you," she said. It figured. She should've known Will would at least try to make the place not seem like quite as much of a dump.

"It's not that bad," he said again, clearly reading the look on her face. "I lived here for a while, you know?"

She nodded. "Oh, I know," she said and gave him another little smile at that.

She didn't even want to think about how much Tom would've been charging Will to live in the so-called loft when he first came back to the city. If the smothering of his family and the commute wasn't enough to encourage him to move into Manhattan – this place definitely should've sent him running sooner than it did.

"I'm not sure it's been cleaned since you moved," she added.

He snorted at that and rolled his eyes at her. "Liv, com'on. It's fine. I offered to get us a room or to get us a ride back home for the night – you said you wanted to be near Noah."

She nodded. "I'm thinking maybe staying in your room in your parent's place would've been a better option."

He shook his head. "I don't think so. Awkward."

"Hmm," she said and looked out the window a bit, pushing back the curtain slightly.

She could still see some cars out on the street. They definitely hadn't been the last people to leave the party. She could still hear the music going. Though it sounded like it had been turned down, as she could hear the murmurings of conversation too. It was likely best that the music was lower and that the stragglers were starting to work their way towards their own departures. It was past midnight at that point. Not as late as it could be – but it had been a long enough day. She felt a little rude leaving before everyone left, but she was tired. Her feet were sore from the dancing. Her stomach was still stuffed from the food. Her mind felt a little numb from all the small talk and the alcohol. Her throat felt a little raw from the chatter and the tiny bit of quiet singing Will and her had been teasing each other with on some of their favourite songs. But her cheeks were aching from the amount of smiling she'd managed that day too. Still, her body was just as exhausted from the nerves and tension and excitement as it was from everything else it had been put through in the past 12-plus hours. She'd never run a marathon before – but she sure felt like she had that night.

It had been a good day, though. An even better afternoon and evening. After she settled into the small talk a bit more and managed to pull herself a way from Will and Noah long enough to go and speak with some of her guests, she found herself enjoying it too.

It had felt a little awkward at the start. But after getting beyond the initial congratulations that everyone felt obligated to provide and her offers of thanks for them coming and for the gifts (that they hadn't even looked at yet and had been surprised had even appeared, since they'd asked that people not bring or give them anything. They were both established people. They had their home and lives set – they didn't need flatware or dinnerware … or a blender. Though it looked like a lot of the 'gifts' were actually envelopes with money in them. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. She certainly didn't like the concept of people handing her and Will money – or more taking the charity from their family and friends. But at the same time she could think of lots of things to throw a little money at. Even getting beyond their expenses and medical bills - and likely spending it on something more marriage appropriate – there was the upcoming trip to Hawaii, for if they wanted to do anything above and beyond what the Wish covered. There were some shows they'd like to take Noah to and there were always games that Will wanted to attend. There was Will's desire to upgrade from a DVD player to a BluRay player, which she didn't really understand why it was worth it in terms of technology or in terms of the number of movies they even watched on disc anymore; Will had their entertainment system set up so everything was streamed. So why they needed it, she didn't know. But Will seemed to think it was a valid purchase if they ever managed to have some extra income kicking around – ha!. And then there was her laptop, which was starting to show its age. She wasn't quite attached to hers in the same way as Will and had moved more to using her phone and the iPad for a great many things. But she still didn't want something to happen that would see her lose any of her photos of Noah or the sheer number of files and contacts and bookmarks her had on the computer when it did decide to bite the dust.) the conversation had come easily and she'd actually managed to get some enjoyment from circulating around the lawns and speaking with their family and friends.

It was a good break from the dancing – which her feet had needed. Though, some people had still taken her speaking to them as an opportunity to drag her back out there for some awkward moments. She'd done the dancing with Noah, Rob, Tom and Ted. El had asked her out onto the lawn more than once to the point that she'd declined and told him to go and dance with his wife and daughters and to stop bugging her. He seemed to think that was funny. He was trying to be a pain in the ass. If anyone drove her more insane than Will – it was Elliot. Still, she followed up on his suggestion to dance with the Captain, who'd obliged.

The short dance with Cragen had possibly been the most awkward dance of the night. He clearly didn't have much experience at dancing and had repeatedly told her as much. He spent a lot of time looking between them at his feet and trying to make some conversation. It'd been a little strained. She could tell he felt just as strange about it as her. But then he'd started making some nice comments about Will – and about how her husband had been while she was in the hospital. How calm and collected Will had managed to be when Cragen first told him and took him over to the hospital. How clear it was how much he cared for her. How close he stayed to her bed and wouldn't go any farther than standing just outside the door even when the doctors told him he needed to leave the room.

No one had really told her much about how Will had managed. She knew Will, though, and they'd talked enough about it for her to know that he functioned in crisis and managed to pull-off calm while he was pulling himself apart piece-by-piece on the inside. Still, she appreciated hearing the words from Cragen. It was almost like he was giving her some sort of approval of Will. She wasn't sure she needed it – or if she even wanted it. But at the same time it felt nice to have someone from her 'family' acknowledge that Will was, in fact, a good man. Because he was.

She'd learned that quickly – but she'd never been very good at letting others see it. She just didn't give them the opportunity that often. So she was glad they were being allowed that glimpse now. Though, she was pretty sure she'd be keeping her husband – and son – all to herself for quite a while after that night. As much as she'd enjoyed the day – it had been a bit of an invasion on her privacy that she just wasn't used to. She wasn't sure it was something she really wanted to get used to either.

She glanced back a bit as she felt Will come up behind her, pushing her hair aside and putting some kisses against the side of her neck. She made a small sound and leaned her head against him a bit as he did it, bringing her one hand up to cup and stroke at the side of his face. He stopped after several seconds and moved to rest his chin against her shoulder.

"What you looking at?" he whispered.

She shrugged and still stroked at his cheek. She could feel the bit of his very-late five o'clock shadow there. Just the tiniest bit of stubble – about the most facial hair Will ever got, even if he didn't shave for a few days. But she thought it was about the perfect amount on him. Not quite itchy-scratchy yet but enough to overshadow his soft, baby face to make him a little more sexy in her eyes.

"You think we stayed down there long enough?" she asked.

"Definitely," he mumbled and started kissing her neck again.

She sighed into it as he pulled her sweater away from her shoulder and started kissing along it as well – his warm breath feeling almost hot against her still slightly chilled skin. He moved to pull the sweater all the way down her arms and off – and she dropped the curtain back into place and turned to look at him, putting a hand against his chest. He gave her a small smile.

"You look so amazing in that dress," he whispered at her again.

She looked down a little embarrassed again. He just kept saying that – or something along those lines – every chance he got. She was glad he liked it. Even though it was making her a little self-conscious, it was nice to be reminded that Will did actually see her as a woman and not just his life partner. Still, she thought his eagerness to tell her he liked her in the gown was likely an indication that she really didn't put on dresses often enough for him. He just seemed a little too taken by her appearance.

"You don't look too shabby yourself," she told him and gave him a smile, which he took as an invitation to lean in for another kiss – on the mouth this time.

She let him capture it – and then let him deepen it. She enjoyed it for several minutes as his hands wrapped around her waist and then moved up her back with light fingertips grazing against her skin.

But she broke the kiss and stepped even more into him, wrapping her hands tightly around him in a hug and just resting her head against him. She could tell he was working towards getting them into bed. A few hours ago she likely would've been all for that. At that point, though, she felt like she was quickly coming down from the high she'd been walking on earlier in the evening – as she'd been dancing with Will and looking into his dancing eyes and his goofy smile, as he mouthed lyrics at her and as she recited some back to him, as she felt so warm and comfortable in his arms even with all those people around them. Now - she was tired. She wanted to work towards bed too. But she wanted to crawl into it and pass out.

She actually thought she might manage to pass out about the moment she hit the mattress. That was something that hadn't happened in a while – not since those first few days out of the hospital.

"I thought the majority of people didn't have sex on their wedding night," she mumbled against his shoulder.

She could feel him smile against her hair, as she quoted his own statistics back at him. "Mmm, when have we ever been in the majority?" he asked teasingly. "It's technically not our wedding night. We took a while to consummate our marriage. So this is … what?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Consummating our family?"

He snorted at that. "That sounds kind of wrong for some reason."

She smiled and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "I'm pretty tired, Will. Aren't you?"

She could feel his quietness and stillness at that. But it wasn't like he wasn't used to her turning down sex. It happened. Probably more regularly than she should admit that early in their marriage. Still, he turned her down when she offered it up nearly as much. He'd be just as tired from work and Noah and life as her most nights. But she supposed there was just that societal expectation that they'd be jumping into bed that night that maybe made it feel a little different.

After a few beats, though, he put a kiss in her hair. "That's OK," he told her sincerely. "I'm pretty tired too. Why don't you put on something more comfortable?"

She nodded against him but still held onto him for a bit. "I'm going to need some help getting this dress off," she told him.

"Sure," he said without even thinking about it. Not that she thought Will really needed time to think about the concept of getting to undress her that night.

He gently turned her back around after that and worked at getting the dress undone. Considering that it was a fairly simplistic dress in terms of its fasteners, it felt like he was taking a long time. But maybe he was just enjoying it since he figured that was about all he was going to get.

"How you want to do this?" he asked as he finished.

She glanced over her shoulder at him, not immediately cluing in what he was asking, but then she understood. "Over the head," she said and brought her hands to start collecting the skirt and shimming it up and off. But he stilled her.

"I've got it," he told her and pushed her hands away and up over her head. Then he worked at gently pulling the material up and off her – again seeming to do it almost unnecessarily slowly. She could feel him watching her and looking at her as he went and she again felt a small flush of self-consciousness spread over her.

But then the dress was off and he dangled it in front of her, which she accepted, draping it gently over her arm.

"I'm just going to see if there's somewhere to hang this up in the washroom – and brush my teeth," she mumbled at him. Not even really able to look at him with the way she could still feel his stare settled on her.

She dug through the top of her bag for a moment and pulled out her toiletry case. Then she glanced at him again before moving towards the bathroom. He was still watching her – or more her ass - in the far too lacey and seamless underwear she'd gotten to go under the dress invisibly.

"Don't get any ideas," she told him sternly.

He innocently smiled and snorted, holding up his hands. "I was just looking," he said. "Do you want a glass of wine?"

She thought about it for a moment but nodded. "Just a taste. Don't pour me a full glass."

"OK," he said as she disappeared into the bathroom to start her little routine.

Though, she wasn't sure brushing her teeth before drinking an expensive glass of wine was going to do much for her taste buds ability to enjoy it. But her mouth felt a grimy messy of all the other alcohol of the evening, the ribs, the garlicky salads and the S'mores that Noah had handed her. She wasn't sure that was doing much for her palette either. Nor was it really what she wanted Will to be tasting while he was kissing her – and even though she didn't think she was up for sex, she thought she was up for a few more lingering lip locks with her husband before calling it a night.

She didn't think he would've much noticed how bad her mouth tasted before, though. He really didn't taste that different. Though, he'd been drinking a couple beers and she could definitely taste that in there. He tasted like a McTeague barbeque. Not necessarily the best aphrodisiac. But perhaps appropriate since the first time she'd been invited to the McTeague house was for a barbeque. It was that day that she slowly started to accept that she thought Will could maybe be more than just a friend and neighbour. There was more to him – and more to them.

By the time she came back out to retrieve her pajamas - now that her hands were free of the dress – Will had stripped out of his outfit and was standing by the kitchenette counter working at getting the bottle of wine open. It looked like despite having the foresight to buy a nice bottle, to get some expensive-looking, pump strawberries and to put it all in the room for them – he hadn't thought about how to open the wine. She could just see his mind churning about whether to go and get a corkscrew from in one of the houses or at the party or if he should try another method. Or if he should just admit his stupidity and defeat and they should save the bottle for some other night – when maybe they might actually enjoy the treat a little bit more.

He looked at her as she came back into the room – holding the bottle out a bit. "I forgot a corkscrew," he mumbled at her.

She smiled and examined him for a moment. "I can see that," she said. "But you apparently remembered to buy new underwear?"

Will glanced down at himself at that. "Oh, yeah," he said.

She gave him another smile and shook her head a bit. She thought it was a little funny and maybe her face was a bit telling.

"What? It's not like you're wearing your everyday underwear today either," he informed her.

She rolled her eyes. "I needed something that wouldn't show panty lines through the dress."

"Mmm," he said. "I needed something so people wouldn't see my underwear through khaki coloured pants."

She snorted at that. But she did suppose he had a point. Will didn't usually wear light colours – especially in his pants and most of the underwear he owned was dark colours or patterned. She could see him potentially being concerned that he would've been showing off a bit more than he wanted to through the pants.

She was actually kind of impressed that he'd even thought of that. She likely would've been unimpressed if the material in the pants had been light enough to show off his black boxers. She actually thought someone likely told him that he should wear a lighter colour shorts. Maybe at the fitting. She could see Will being very uncomfortable on getting underwear instructions from another man. That actually made her smile a little more, though.

"What?" he asked again and looked down again in examination. "You don't like them? They're fancy underwear. They were expensive. You better like them. They're apparently cyclists briefs. They're supposed to keep all my junk in one place."

She let out a small laugh at that and shook her head. Will had a way with words – or lack thereof – at times.

"Well, it looks like they're doing that," she agreed with a snort.

They actually fit him really nicely. She wasn't really sure how much longer she wanted to look at him or she might sway from her previous statement that she was just going to fall into bed and sleep.

But he looked good. His thighs still looked really muscular in them despite the decrease in his exercise regime. Whatever the white, seamless material was – she was wondering but she likely wouldn't know until she touched them and couldn't tell from were she was standing – it was definitely accentuating his bulge in a far more complimentary way than the black shorts he usually came to bed in, ever did. And, there was something about the colouring that really just seemed to be highlighting his skin tone and all the tattoos across his sides.

The boxer briefs were sitting a bit lower than his usual underwear too – and his one tattoo that creep from his hip and partially onto his pelvis was peaking above the waist. There was always something about when that tat peaked out that got her going. She wasn't even entirely sure why. Usually she didn't get a view of it until she started touching him - and him or her moved the waist of his pants or underwear a bit to get their various levels of access. But that first look at it – when she was looking for it – always set something off in her.

She thought it was partially because all of Will's other tattoos were visible in varying degrees – even when he covered them they were still in places that could be seen. But that one – it was hers. It was in a spot that no one was too likely to see beyond her. But she got to trace her fingers over it. She'd got to ask him about it. It wasn't even one of Will's more interesting tattoos artistically. The story behind it wasn't even that interesting. But it was still hers.

She sighed and moved her eyes away from his crotch. It was ridiculous that she was staring. She saw Will in his underwear daily. She saw him naked near daily. But maybe she'd kind of gotten so used to it. She wasn't really seeing him anymore. She didn't want to objectify him. She wasn't in a relationship with Will for his body. Still, being forced to look at him with fresh, unexpected eyes – was providing her with a reminder of just what a nice package her wonderful husband also came in.

"You're an asshole, you know?" she informed him with a small headshake and slightly embarrassed smile.

He gaped at her at that. "That's not very nice. What'd I do?"

"Parading around in your fancy, new underwear when I told you I just wanted to go to sleep?" she said and raised an eyebrow at him.

He rolled his eyes. "You're in fancy, new underwear too. And – my sleep pants are right there," he said and gestured towards the bags. "I just hadn't gotten that far yet. I was trying to open this," he added and held up the bottle of wine again with some frustration and gave it a glare.

She snorted and shook her head. "Will – put the bottle back in the fridge," she instructed him – and he looked at her questioningly. "Put it back – and come here," she said.

He got a bit of a sly smile at that but even with the slyness in it, she could see the surprise there. She could tell he really thought that they were both going to get into their pajamas, have a glass of wine, do a few minutes or talking, maybe a bit of kissing and then go to sleep. And, he'd been OK with that. He respected that – or at least that that was what she wanted. But he was more OK with where he saw this going now. Change of plans was fine by him – clearly.

He trudged over to her after following her instructions about the wine. She could see that he was now taking the time to really eye her up in her bra and panties – her breasts and stomach and crotch. Her curves. It probably made her feel a little more naked than if she had been naked.

Even with all the times she knew Will had seen her naked and seen her in her underwear. Even with how much she enjoyed lounging with him in the tub or making out in the stream of warm water under the shower. There was something different about the moments where she felt herself under the intensity of his gaze. He made her feel like she was about the only woman in the world – or at least the only woman for him. There was something comforting about it but also a little intimidating. So as soon as he got close enough, she wrapped her arms around him again and settled against him. His arms came around her too.

"I love you," she said and looked up a bit to catch his eyes. They still had that intensity in them but he had the soft smile on his face that she'd so madly fallen in love with and craved seeing.

"I love you too," he assured her and leaned down – closing the inch or so between them and captured her lips.


	213. Chapter 213

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia wasn't sure she liked Will's hairless head. He'd had his hair short before but never quite like this virtually bald looked. But she appreciated his support for Noah – and she knew that she'd start seeing Will's slowly grow back over the next few weeks. For the moment, though, she just wasn't sure she was a fan.

She hadn't had anything to run her fingers through while they kissed. She hadn't had anything to grab at during the sex. And, perhaps, now that they'd settled for the moment she was liking it even less as she had nothing to play with as they spooled down. It was a bit of an eye-opener about how much she did fiddle around with Will's hair in their private time and how much she was missing it now that it wasn't there.

Will, though, still seemed to be enjoying the touch of her fingertips against his scalp. She was still massaging gently over his head, his temples, his ears – even though she wasn't getting to twist his soft locks in her fingers and ruffle at his strands of messy sexed hair.

It had been nice sex. Certainly not the best they'd ever had. It had been slow and gentle. And, for the first time they were engaging in sex since her flashback the week before, that was what she'd needed.

She supposed the unexpectedly imposed week without sex before their wedding wasn't a bad thing either. She knew that lots of people suggested the bride and groom take a break before their big day to make the consummation that much better. But she figured that recommendation didn't come from people who had a little boy at home or who were dealing with a cancer patient or recovering from a shooting or who worked a job where they saw horrific things at least weekly that made them think that maybe a life of celibacy was where it was at or who had been assaulted and had days where they couldn't even manage to look at their aroused husband without losing it – in a bad way.

Her and Will taking week breaks wasn't unusual. A week between sex encounters was probably a good week for them – or at least average. Sure, there were some moments when they couldn't keep their hands off each other. But generally, going a week – or weeks – without sex wasn't that uncommon for them.

She wasn't exactly sure that she considered sex on their wedding night that big of deal anyways. It wasn't like they'd waited until then to try each other out for the first time. Considering that she had been ready to just go to bed – it really hadn't been that bad. It had just been nice. But she would've called it more of an extended hug and cuddling that involved some penetration and a weak orgasm on both their parts.

Still, she'd got to look into Will's eyes and kiss his lips. His tongue meeting and pressing against hers. His lips soft and his breath hot as he moved them from her mouth to neck to shoulder and back to capture her lips again. To listen to his breathing and his little sounds. To feel his weight and beating heart against her. To watch the little smiles he gave her a few times, which she returned, and to see his creased concentration as he got closer. Not mind-blowing, not shake her core – but nice.

Maybe nicer was that as he settled beside her rather than flop onto his back, he'd cuddled against her. She was usually the one to cuddle into him after their sex. But not that night – and she thought she liked that. His head was resting against her ribs, sitting just below her breasts. His arms were wrapped around her loosely and his one thumb kept caressing at her hip while the rest of his fingertips played lightly and softly against the side of her one ass-cheek. If it wasn't for those small movements, she would've been sure he was asleep.

They hadn't spoken since they finished. She wasn't sure how long ago that was. But she was sure it had been a while. She didn't care, though. She liked the feel of him against her in that way. She liked moving her fingers over the soft skin and stubble on the top of his head – even if she was missing his hair.

"You falling asleep?" she asked softly.

"Mmm," he mumbled but then fell silent again for such an extent that she thought he was definitely falling asleep. "No. Just thinking."

"What are you thinking?" she asked, and again rubbed at the ear that was sticking up in the air and not pressing against her body.

He made a small sound with the touch. She could tell he really liked it. She knew the ears were an endogenous zone but she still never had been one to play with his too much. She'd give them some minor touches – some caresses and tugging – while they kissed. But it wasn't a huge part of their foreplay or where she hands would generally land for an extended period. With the lack of hair now, though, they were getting special attention. He seemed to be enjoying it – and really she was too. It was a bit of an exploration to see what it would do for him – and she liked doing that.

"That feels so nice," he mumbled against her, ignoring the rest of her question. Or maybe that was really all he was thinking about. He was a guy after-all – not matter how she cut it. But usually Will was a little deeper than that – even in his post-orgasm stupor.

She smiled a bit at his enjoyment, though. "Yeah?"

He nodded – his stubbly cheek rubbing across her and then shifted the rest of his body cuddling against her a bit more.

"Comforting nice or exciting nice?" she quizzed.

"Mmm, comforting," he said at the comment she moved her fingers away from the curve of his cartilage and massaged his lobe and gave it a firm but little tug. "Ah, no arousing," he said at the movement and let out a little noise as her fingers released and worked their way back up the ear.

She smiled and let out a small snort at that. But she still flattened her hand against his head cupping it – and he made another little sound almost in protest.

"I've got to get up," she told him. Though, she hated to leave his embrace – it was necessary. Just for a few seconds.

"Pee?" he muttered and reluctantly released her.

That wasn't the plan – but since he was mentioning it, she should likely empty her bladder while she was up. That way she wouldn't have to get back up in a while – or excuse herself ahead of a second round. She wasn't entirely sure where either of their heads were at about that. She was just enjoying the holding at the moment and Will seemed OK with that too – and, although he didn't pass out immediately after orgasm, she knew he was likely starting to think about it. She could feel it in his body and his breathing as he lay pressed against her.

Still, she didn't think she'd be opposed to another round of love-making, if the touching and the cuddling remained as gentle as it had been. She was just enjoying the closeness. She thought she really needed to feel that lately – and Will likely knew that. He was more conscious of those things than even he liked admitting – and she knew he'd likely adjusted his intentions for the evening to accommodate that. It didn't make for amazing sex. But it did make for the kind of sex she needed at that point – and it was making her think about the possibility of Round 2.

She glanced at Will as she came out of the bathroom. He was still curled on his side – in her warm spot on the bed – but he was watching her. She allowed him a small smile. She wasn't sure he could see it. It was dark in the room and the lights of the city didn't spill into the suburban-feel of the street his family lived on in anywhere near the same way as it did at home. But she'd left the light of the bathroom on so she could see what she was doing and a small stream of the yellowy-orange was illuminating part of the room.

She walked the few steps to the armchair and picked up Will's shirt. She pulled it up and over her arms – though she didn't bother to button it. Even as it loosely hung off her frame, she could smell him on it and she wrapped it a bit against her, almost like a bathrobe. She just needed something on for this. She wasn't sure she could give him his wedding gift while in the nude. Though, she knew this wasn't a great improvement.

She dug through her bag for a moment until she found the little box and then wandered back to the bed. She flipped on the little bedside lamp to its lowest setting but Will still squinted and let out a small groan at it. She needed him to be able to see though. He looked at her for a moment and rolled a little more on his back, as she held out the packaging for him.

"What's this?" he asked, accepting it, but still keeping his eyes on her as she got back into the bed next to him – both of them sitting up more now.

"A gift," she said softly and pulled his shirt a bit more tightly against her, tucking the blankets around her legs a bit and loosely crossing her arms against herself.

"You didn't have to get me anything," he told her with a bit of a questioningly look, as he really sat up and leaned against the headboard with her.

She shrugged. "I know. You didn't have to get me anything either," she said and touched at the beautiful pendant that was still resting against her chest.

She had so many meaningful necklaces now. It was going to be hard to decide which ones to wear anymore. She wondered how many she could get away with around her neck at once. She thought four was likely pushing it to absurdity. She'd have to make some choices.

"Open it," she encouraged.

He looked back to the box and popped its top and his jaw dropped a bit and he gaped at her for a moment before looking back at its contents.

"Liv – I can't accept this," he said quietly. "You should keep this."

She shook her head and shifted a bit on the bed to cuddle against him some more – her head resting on his shoulder to look inside the box too and gripping at his bicep.

"I want you to have it," she said. "To hold it for me now. Maybe some day you'll give it to Noah."

He nodded at that and ran his fingers over the watch a bit. He knew the story of the watch. She had a few of her grandfather's watches. She still wore them, though they were in various states of repair at that point. This one, though, was special. It was the one her grandmother had given to her grandfather before he'd deployed for the war.

Olivia thought in some ways that almost meant more to Will. He loved history almost as much as he loved math. He'd been to Europe and he'd been on the beaches of Normandy. In their talks, she'd learned that Will had set foot in many of the places her grandfather would've been. He'd seen where the few stories her grandfather had verbalized to her had actually occurred. He'd shown her pictures. Will had talked to her about what it was like to be there and to think about what had happened. Though, working in high stress and often traumatizing situations – she had an appreciation for some of what her grandfather had likely gone through, on some small level. But to actually get to have someone she cared about to have been over there and to be able to tell her what it looked like now – what sort of things went through your head while on those battlegrounds and in those towns and villages and while wandering those cemeteries – it added a different perspective to it. It might be as close as she got to making the trip herself at that point in her life.

Will understood the watch was a prized possession. A purchase that Olivia didn't even want to think about how long her grandmother would've had to work on a women's wages in that era to be able to afford. An item that had been with her grandfather – a piece of her love – while he waded through hell in Europe. But he'd come back. A little broken – but still a good man – and alive. He'd come back and lived the best way he knew how and had stood by his family even in his pain and his mental anguish and torment. A good husband. A good father.

Olivia was almost surprised that her grandmother hadn't buried it with her grandfather. But she hadn't – clearly deciding to keep it in the family. Rather than give it to her mother, though, her grandmother had handed it to Olivia about two years after his death and explained the story behind it. How it was an item she needed to take good care of – but how her grandmother hoped that someday she might be able to give it to her love too - to keep them safe. Olivia had eventually put it on herself thinking that she didn't know when she'd find her love – but at least it maybe it could keep her safe.

The watch had stopped keeping time, though. She had initially planned to take in for repairs immediately. But that was years ago. It had been set aside as life got in the way and things like taking an old watch in – however important of connection it was to her family – got put off and eventually sort of forgotten. She'd put on another one of her grandfather's watches instead. Not as special – but when she did think about it, she told herself she likely didn't want to be wearing that special watch at work anyways. It may have some sort of karma power to keep her safe – but she would've been devastated if she lost it or wrecked it while on the job. Though, she supposed if it could survive World War Two and the beaches of Normandy – that it would likely survived the NYPD.

Still, it had been buried in a drawer and she hadn't much thought about it until some of her talks with Will. And, as this day approached, she thought about it more and more and what her grandmother had said. Part of her found it hard to give it up – even if it was to Will. But she'd told herself that's what it was always meant for. Her grandmother had just given it to her to hold on to – until she found a man to give it to. She couldn't think of a man more deserving of receiving it than Will. She certainly hadn't had found one previously.

"I had it restored for you," she told him quietly.

He nodded again and gave her a smile and took it out of the box and put it to his ear. It really wasn't necessary. She could hear the ticks even from where she was sitting – as it slowly started marking off their seconds together. As few or as vast they might be, the watch was now marking each of them. After listening for a few of those first ticks, he lowered it away from his ear and gave her another look and then leaned in and captured her lips again. She enjoyed it – cupping his cheek gently.

"I love you," she assured him again, breaking apart and really meeting his eyes this time. "So much."

He gave her a bit of a sad smile. She could feel him getting emotional and he was trying to pull it together. He knew the story of the watch. He knew what it meant to receive it. He knew how important it was to her and to their family. He knew it was an honour and a responsibility. Something to keep him safe. Something to track their love and their family. Something for him to pass on and share with their son eventually too – to keep it all going.

He made a small sound and swiped at his eyes a bit. They were brimming but he hadn't let any tears fall yet. She gave him another little smile and reached with her thumbs and wiped under his eyes for him.

"Look at the back," she said. "I got it engraved for you."

He gave her another questioning look and slowly turned it over – tilting it slightly in the dim light so he could read it.

She'd questioned if it was some sort of blasphemy to engrave the watch. If it would somehow damage the meaning and the integrity of it – what it had represented to her grandmother and grandfather. But she thought if they had met Will – if they knew that she'd found him and found a love like him, something her mother had never managed to achieve, they likely wouldn't have minded too much. Actually they might even approve of the quote she'd decided on. She thought it might resonate with them and their relationship too.

"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time," the small text said.

She had Will's patience sitting on her finger and now he'd have her time sitting on his wrist. Together – she thought – they could pull through. They had managed to for this long. That counted for something.

He looked at her and smiled. She touched his cheek again and rubbed at his temple with her thumb. "My patient warrior," she said. "I'm glad you found me."

He snorted and looked down swiping at his eyes again. "I'm glad you gave me the time of day," he said quietly.

She pushed her lips against his jaw. "Let's put it on," she said.

He nodded and let her slowly take it from his hands. She wrapped it on his wrist for him and latched it – Will watching her movements and then her fingers as they touched it on his arm. His hand came and settled on top of hers – holding it still over the steady ticking – and then he leaned in for another kiss, lingering for some time, until they broke and he rested his forehead against hers.

"It's going to be OK, you know," he said in his usual assurance.

She smiled at him and stroked at the back of his head. "I know," she agreed. "It will be now."


	214. Chapter 214

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

She groaned and rolled away from Will a bit, pulling one of the pillows partially over her head.

"I hate your brother," she mumbled at him.

Will gave her a small smile – but she could see how annoyed he was too.

"I'll go get rid of him," he said quietly.

Tom had started out pounding a basketball against the backboard of the hoop on the front of the garage. She assumed it was an effort to wake them up – or to get them to come out of the loft, if they had already been awake. At the time he started it – they hadn't been awake. And he had definitely accomplished the making them wake up aspect of the ploy. They'd ignored the thump-thump-thump of the ball, though – staying tangled in each other's arms.

Despite the colours of the linens they'd been super soft. The product of 'Mom's fabric softener; you know, that cancer-causing chemical crap you refuse to let us add to our laundry', Will had teased her. But she'd felt so warm and cocooned in the soft blankets and Will's embrace that she'd spent a lot of the night not even really knowing where her body ended and his began.

She wasn't sure how much sleeping they'd managed to do. They'd spent the night drifting between holding each other and touching and kissing and drowsing and making love to each other. She couldn't even really classify how many rounds they'd gotten in. It wasn't even like that. They'd just been drifting in-and-out of enjoying being in each other's presence. One of them kept waking up the other with more soft touches or light kisses or more purposeful stimulation.

At least a couple more times beyond their first round there had been enough to their back-to-back sessions that she would've called it sex. Other times it was just extremely relaxing and fulfilling touches. She knew both of their bodies had ridden on more highs. At the moment neither of them seemed to be at any level of frustration or urgency. They were both sated and relaxed. They were actually more than a little tired from their efforts. With the time and privacy they had – they ended up inadvertently going for some sort of record like they were in their 20s again. Even though she knew that neither of them had been keeping count. Or at least she hadn't been. It wasn't worth counting or keeping track of what they had or hadn't done or who had or hadn't had what. She'd orgasm a few times. She knew Will had gotten off a couple. The sex – or really just the touching and closeness of it all – had just gotten better as they spent more time in bed - even with his refractory periods and their joint rest periods.

There'd been massaging. There'd been quiet chatting. They'd gone through most of the strawberries Will had brought and a whole lot of water and ice cubes. There'd been hugging and kisses so long that she wanted them to continue on forever. She loved kissing Will. He was such a good kisser.

Then there'd been drowsing and snoozing – but not a full night's sleep. It had basically just been one long and extended session of love-making. She had no idea what time of the morning it was. But she knew unless there was an emergency with Noah – she really had no intention of leaving that loft yet. She planned on continuing to lay there with Will and drowsing some more – at least for a couple more hours.

But Tom's basketball pounding had progressed from that to him yelling from the driveway, "Wakey, wakey." They'd still ignored him. But now he was up on the little walkway and deck outside the door knocking on it and telling them to get up. That had been his game for about five minutes at that point. She'd already barked towards the door, "GO AWAY, TOM!" In typical Tom-fashion, he hadn't listened. He was beyond pissing her off.

"I'll get rid of him," she said sternly.

"Liv …" Will mumbled at her and reached as she shifted in the bed.

She looked at him with harsh eyes – that really weren't directed at him and she felt kind of badly about it. She was just annoyed.

"I'll get rid of him," she said a bit more softly and trying to be calmer.

She actually really did feel her going to the door was better. She thought Tom was slightly intimidated by her – just slightly. Whereas, he walked all over his little brother every opportunity he got. And, if this was Tom's idea of some sort of after-wedding night prank – she really didn't have the time for it. If Will opened the door and Tom said or did something ridiculous – he likely wouldn't have the balls to put him in his place. She wouldn't even give Tom the chance to get that far.

She grabbed Will's shirt off the floor and pulled it on, quickly buttoning up a few of the buttons to cover herself. She glanced around and spotted his fancy briefs first – so she just grabbed them and stepped into them. The material felt nice though they were almost like compression shorts as she pulled them up; not what she was expecting and not as easy to put on or as comfortable as stepping into a pair of his boxers or her own panties if she could see them. Not that she wanted to go and answer the door in lacey panties.

"You can't go to the door in that," Will told her.

She shot him a look. "This is what I'm answering the door in."

"Liv … he's going to …"

"Know that we're up here having sex, Will? What the hell do you think he's trying to do? He's trying to interrupt us. So let him see how much he's interrupting us. He can be embarrassed. I'm not."

She stormed over to the door and pulled it halfway open. She could hear Will groan behind her and shift in the bed, pulling the sheets more up and around him from how she'd thrown them off them both when she'd gotten out of the bed.

She thought they'd made such good progress with his family lately – and especially with Tom. He'd managed to get through the wedding without saying or doing anything that been hurtful, upsetting - or generally managed to avoid pissing them off. And now he had to go and pull a stunt like this. The man could be such a prick.

Olivia had really come to appreciate and enjoy Rob and Karen's company and support. But Tom she still really couldn't handle no matter how hard she tried. They were like oil and vinegar. Even with him supposedly having really been there in his own way while she was in the hospital – he really hadn't tried to do much to show it since she'd been out.

"What?" she barked at him and wrapped her arms around herself, giving him a firm glare.

"Morning Olivia," Tom said and eyed her up-and-down. She expected that from him – but she didn't much like it or appreciate it.

"What do you want, Tom?" she asked again just as sternly as before.

He looked around her and at Will who was acting embarrassed in the bed. Olivia thought he was being ridiculous. They were grown-ups. Everyone knew why they were likely still in bed. Tom being there to 'catch them in the act' - or whatever the hell he was doing – was almost as ridiculous as Will acting like them having sex and sleeping in on the day after their wedding was something they should be bashful about.

"Hey Baby Brother," Tom directed at over to the bed with a smirk on his face.

"Hey," Olivia waved her hand in front of his face. "I'm talking to you. What the hell do you want? We're trying to sleep."

Tom snorted. "That so?"

"We were – until someone decided they were 12 and wanted to start playing basketball under our honeymoon suite," she told him with a glare.

He shook his head at her – like she was the one being ridiculous. She was about ready to slam the door in his face.

"Well, someone had to get you two up and on the go," Tom mouthed-off at her. "Apparently I drew the short straw since you're above my garage."

"Unless you're here to tell me that Noah needs to go into the hospital – which I would've hoped you would've done directly and not with this bullshit – then no, no one needed to get us up and on the go. We'll be down when we're ready to come down. And, Tom, that's not going to be for another couple hours at least."

"Your kid has been puking all night," Tom said to her with a bit of an edge to his voice now – the humour in his early intonation fading.

She rubbed at her eyebrow at the mention of Noah spending the evening vomiting. She wasn't that surprised. He'd eaten a lot and most of what he'd eaten wasn't things from his regular diet. Add in the fact that his body was still struggling from the new protocol and they were still smack in the puke-zone period of the post-treatment cycle. It was pretty much expected there would've been bathroom pyrotechnics that night. But she'd warned May and Ted of that and she'd talked to Noah about it too. Everyone knew if it was that scary or concerning – they could come over and get her and Will. That was May and Ted's responsibility, though – not Tom's. So she really didn't think it could've been that bad. And, if had been that bad Noah knew exactly where they were too and she knew he would've been over there looking for Mommy and Daddy hugs and comfort. Clearly Nana and Popa hugs and comfort were enough. So either her six-year-old son appreciated more than Tom that that night and that morning was private time – or the puking really wasn't that big of deal.

"But that's not why I'm here," Tom added.

She threw up her hands a bit but then stopped and dropped them, as she realized that she hadn't button all the lower buttons of the shirt and the movement was really showing off more than she wanted time to see. She wasn't embarrassed but she didn't appreciate the way he was looking at her either. And, what she really would appreciate was if Tom would just get to the point rather than play games.

Why he couldn't have just come and knocked on the door in the first place rather than the basketball pounding and driveway yelling? Why he couldn't have called their phones (which they probably would've ignored too) or texted them? Or just acted like a grown-up rather than an annoying older brother trying to torment his younger brother?

"Then – again – Tom, what the hell do you want?" she demanded.

He huffed at her and planted his shoulder against the doorframe in a movement that was all too similar to Will's body language. She had a momentary flash of hate in the recognition of someone she loved so much in someone who annoyed her so much. Fucking genetics, she thought.

"The storm is coming in. They say it's going to be pretty bad. They're going to start shutting down the transit and bridges in the afternoon – which we're coming up on. It's after eleven, you know? So Mom and Dad want to get you guys cleared out. Me and Rob are getting called into work. So if you want a lift rather than dealing with the ferry and subway – you guys have gotta get your asses moving."


	215. Chapter 215

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"MOM!" Noah nearly screeched as soon as they barely set foot in the living room.

It had been hard to pull themselves out of bed. Olivia hadn't been ready to get going yet and really would've preferred to lounge with Will and nap for at least a few more hours before getting back to life.

The whole night together had made her feel some real twinges to have something that resembled a honeymoon with Will. Or maybe at least a weekend away – where they could lay in bed together and cuddle and talk and nap and make love and probably not really do too much else. They got so little alone time together ever – and usually the time they did get was so short and so rushed and so overshadowed with worrying about Noah. They'd somehow managed to put a lot of that aside for the evening, though. Maybe because they were at his parents and she knew Noah was safe and nearby if something did go wrong. But they still had that separateness and privacy. At least until Tom had to go and find unique ways to annoy them. A knock on the door or a message on their phones really would've sufficed. But that just wasn't Tom.

After closing the door on Will's brother, Olivia had initially crawled back into bed – half-ways hoping she'd be able to close her eyes and drift back off, that Will's arms would return to their wrap around her. And, they had – but only so briefly. She could feel him thinking and churning what Tom had said. His body wasn't as relaxed and it was clear that he was awake and wasn't likely going back to sleep. She was fairly certain that she didn't even get 60 seconds of a cuddle re-engagement before he was extracting himself from her and padding over to their bags to retrieve his phone. He'd come back to bed but then he was sitting there flipping through news sites – and their wedding night was clearly over.

They'd argued back-and-forth for a bit. She tried to convince him that they hear about storms headed for the city all the time. That very few of them are as bad as they ever predict. That the storm was even coming in later than they'd said – and the chances of it actually making landfall in New York? Slim. She wanted to go back to sleep. Or at least not get into a bit of a panic about some rain.

"It's not rain, Liv," Will had mumbled at her. "It's a hurricane – and they're expecting a huge storm surge."

"And you think the whole of New York City is going to be under water in the next 12 hours? Will – I want to sleep."

He just kept looking at his phone. "They are shutting down transit and the bridges. Tom's right. And they're putting out evacuation notices. For here. Liv – this street is right on the border of an A Zone."

"Ah. So a tsunami is going to flood over Staten Island?" she meant it as a tease.

"A storm surge. Not a tsunami," he said more seriously. "We're sitting in an evacuation zone right now."

"Will – we get weather passing through here all the time. Calm down," she mumbled and rolled onto her stomach, deciding he could stress out but she was going to try to drowse a bit more.

"And then SOMETIMES we end up under 4 feet of snow or Irene rolls through," he told her a little more harshly.

She groaned and glanced over her shoulder at him. "So – what? You want to get up and go home right this instant? When's the storm even supposed to get here?"

"Projecting around 2 a.m."

She groaned more at that. "And it's what 11 a.m.? So we have 15 hours to get from Tottenville to the Upper West Side? I'm pretty sure it usually takes us about two."

"They're closing transit," Will stressed again.

"WHEN?" she snarked back at him. Their blissful wedding night was quickly disintegrating into their usual bickering and mutual annoyance with each other, that seemed to be the foundation of their relationship.

"7 p.m.," he said.

"IT'S 11 A.M.," she spat and rolled over again.

She could feel him watching her and then he pushed some button and Bloomberg started yammering at her about the city's preparations in advance of the storm.

She groaned and rolled over and glared at him. "I'm going to file for divorce," she told him directly.

He shrugged and tossed the phone, with the video still playing, onto the bed next to her – and trudged towards the bathroom.

"I'm going to get up," he mumbled. "I should help Dad and my brothers clean up the backyard before the weather hits – and see if they want to do anything to weatherize the houses, what they're going about the evacuation."

Olivia had ended up laying there and listening to him in the dated and mildewy shower – and feeling bad. Most of the time in their bickering – she didn't much care. It was just what they did. It was what they'd always done. But when she let her annoyance show with him and when he clearly showed his annoyance right back at her – guilt usually started to set in. She didn't want them fighting or annoyed with each other that morning – not after their wedding, not after a really nice shared evening together.

She'd sighed and pulled herself out of bed and padded to the little bathroom too. He hadn't seemed to hear her enter the room but he'd barely shut the door and the water pressure from the shower seemed so strong and loud – she was sure it was drowning out her presence. Or maybe he was a little more ticked off than she thought and he was ignoring her. Still, she unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall off her shoulders and shimmed his shorts down her legs – and then held open the curtain and stepped in behind him.

Will glanced over his shoulder at her and she gave him a small smile. His brow was furrowed and he was clearly still a little upset. He didn't look at her long enough for her to get a read on if he was ticked off at her or if he was just worried about the storm.

Olivia stepped into him and pressed her breasts into his back, wrapping her arms around him before placing a small kiss just below his ear.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, moving her lips a bit. "I don't want us to fight. I was just enjoying getting some private time and being in bed with you. I didn't want it to end. But – you're right – we should go and see what your parents need help with around here and then we should head home and get ourselves established too, in case it is a bad one."

He gave a small nod but no verbal response.

She sighed. "I love you," she said.

He hung his head a bit. "I know," he allowed quietly. "I love you too."

After they'd managed to wash the remnants of their night off them and gather the rest of their belongings, they'd exited the loft and made the short walk from Tom's house over to Will's parents.

Olivia wasn't sure she'd ever truly understand their desire to all live in a row – or how they all seemed to leave their doors open and go in-and-out of each others home like they all just owned the whole place. Even when she was standing next to Will, it still felt a little funny to just walk right into his parents' house without even a courtesy knock.

But even without a knock – Noah had heard them enter and his face had lit up to accompany his shriek of delight that they were done with private time and back within his line-of-sight. He had been sitting on the floor of Ted and May's living room and had the giant box that Olivia had seen the day before on top of the coffee table – examining it in fixed concentration. She'd been right – it was the Millennium Falcon.

"DADDY!" he added quickly – forgetting about her, as soon as he saw Will over her shoulder. "Look at MY WEDDING PRESENT!"

Olivia let out a small snort. It seemed so funny to hear Noah refer to it that way – but perfect too. She was glad that Ted and May had thought of it and included him that way. Will's whole family had done their best to ensure that it was a special day for Noah too. Out of every thing from the day before – she thought she might be almost most grateful for that.

Will stepped out of the hall and peaked around her and she saw his face light up a bit too as he spotted what was on the table. It was his first real smile since their little tiff and she found his hand and gave it a small squeeze, as he gently pushed by her to go and take a look at the set. He shot her a smile.

"Wow," Will said and caressed Noah's head before bending to pick up the large box to examine himself. "Is this from Nana and Popa?"

Noah nodded hard. "But Popa said I had to wait for you to get up before I opened the box and start putting it together. Can we start now, Dad?"

"Hmmmmmm," Will mumbled, turning the box over in his hand to take a look at the back.

Olivia knew that he didn't really need to examine the box that closely. They'd picked up the set and looked at in the stores before. She'd managed to talk Will out of it previously given the age recommendation and the price tag. She'd argued that if Noah was still into Lego and Star Wars in a few more years – it'd be a gift they could consider then.

She could see Will's hesitance at the time – even more apparent in the fact that he picked up the box and looked at it whenever they came across it on shopping trips. He likely feared that Noah would outgrow Lego or Star Wars before he was old enough to manage the model. Or maybe there was the unspoken fear between them – that something could still go badly wrong – and that Noah would never reach the recommended age of nine-and-up for the set.

So, Olivia could tell that now that the set was in their possession – the idea of cracking it open and getting to work on it was suddenly starting to overshadow Will's previous concerns about the storm. But forget the hurricane – if she let them open that box, it wasn't going to be Sandy that would be trapping them in the house for days. It would be Will and Noah in Lego build mode. They might never leave – or at least not until they had a Millennium Falcon in their possession, which based on the number of pieces listed on the front of the box, Olivia thought it could be a while. A long while.

"Sweets – I think we should leave it in the box until we get home," she said, stepping in before Will got something out of his mouth that he wouldn't be able to easily reel back. "There's lots of pieces. We don't want to lose any."

Noah looked at her and gave her a small pout. But she just shook her head at him – and Will, who'd tossed her a little boy look over his shoulder too.

"None of that," she chastised them both a bit. "We need to talk to Nana and Popa about the storm and then we need to get ready to go home."

"Popa's making you breakfast," Noah declared.

Olivia had actually already deduced that was likely a possibility. She could smell what was likely peameal bacon and hear the crackling of the lean meat and the eggs off in the kitchen, though neither May nor Ted had popped her heads out to see them yet. Maybe they were giving them a few moments with Noah alone. Or maybe now that they were officially part of the family they felt less of a need to entertain them and dote on them – instead leaving them to just move around the house like everyone else, which they'd been doing more and more of lately anyways.

"He says you need your strength," Noah added – and Olivia allowed another snort. She wasn't sure she had room yet for another May and Ted meal – even after a busy night. "Kyle says it's because you and Daddy were having S-E-X."

Olivia looked at him and allowed her mouth to gape a small amount before looking at Will and shaking her head. He just gave her a thin smile and a small shrug. Sometimes Tom's kids annoyed her almost as much as Tom. They were just … chaos, inappropriate comments and poor behaviour. Kyle was a miniature version of Tom in so many ways. Of course he had to be the McTeague kid closest in age to Noah – and was nearly always handing out some little tidbit to her son for her and Will to later smooth over after a visit out to Nana and Popa's.

She rubbed her eyebrow and looked back to Noah. It was clear that Will was leaving this one in her corner to decide how she was going to respond to – or not respond to. He'd gone back to taking keen interest in the Lego box.

"What did Mommy and Daddy tell you they were doing last night and this morning?" she asked flatly.

Noah looked at her and considered it for a moment. "Private time," he said.

She nodded. "And what's that mean?"

It was a discussion they'd had many times before when Noah asked what they were doing when their door was closed or why he couldn't come up or why Mommy needed quiet time and alone time – and generally, why he couldn't be with them and at them 24/7.

Sometimes she wanted to be with her little boy 24/7. She knew no matter how his childhood ended, whether it was a happy ending or a sad one – she would never feel like she had had enough time with her son. But still – she needed her own space from time-to-time, and Will needed his and they needed their own as a couple.

"That you may be sleeping or reading or doing crosswords or having a bubble bath or talking to Daddy or working on a bad guy case or on the treadmill or lots of stuff," he said listing off some of the options they'd laid out previously about what she did while she was alone in her room – with or without Daddy.

She nodded. "Yep. Private time can be lots of things," she agreed.

"But sometimes it's S-E-X!" Noah added.

Will snorted at that and looked at her again and she gestured at their son. "You want to take over since it's funny," she suggested.

Will shrugged. "It's not funny. It's a fact of life," he said and looked down at Noah and put the box back on the table. "Mommy and I sometimes have sex our private time," he agreed, meeting Noah's eyes. "But that's private – that's why we do it in private time. So it's rude to be asking us about it, bud."

"Kyle says Mom spends her whole life asking people about S-E-X," Noah stated and pulled the box back closer to him to look at. "So that's rude too."

Olivia snorted and rolled her eyes at that and shot Will an unimpressed look. She really didn't like Will's brother – or Tom's son – indoctrinating her little boy on what her job entailed. But she also didn't really feel like trying to recast it or explaining it to her son while standing in Will's parent's living room. How did she explain multiple concepts that a six-year-old wouldn't understand to him? That something they were trying to teach their little boy was an expression of love and commitment – was used by other people to create so much pain and damage?

She was still trying to get her little boy to have an understanding of what sex was and not to feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. Explaining to him good touches and bad touches – and who was allowed to touch him and that he was allowed to say no. That he should tell if someone didn't listen when he said no or he didn't like the touch. About what was normal and acceptable behaviour – but that he should be doing in his own private time.

But how did she do that and then add all the other dimensions of what she dealt with on the job to it? Explain it to him in a way he could understand? She hadn't figured that all out yet. She still worked on it as it came along and he asked questions. But she didn't much like Tom and his son speeding along that process. It was their family business – it wasn't for Tom's family to be propagating.

"Well, bud, Mom is a police officer. Police officers are one of the people who you should tell if someone touches you in a bad way, right?" Will put back to Noah – saving her from her sputtering mind that was trying to formulate a response and trying not to become more aggravated at Tom than she already was that morning.

Her son nodded.

"And – police officers are also people who have to go and talk to people if they've done something bad, right? To make sure they don't do anything wrong to hurt people again?"

Noah nodded again.

Will shrugged. "So then sometimes it's Mommy's job to ask people about sex. And – you can ask me and Mommy things about sex, sweets. It's OK to ask about it. And you can tell us if something bad happens – or if you don't like how someone touches you. You should tell us. But it's still rude to ask us about us having sex – or anyone else. And it's rude to talk about people having sex."

"Kyle says Uncle Tom and Aunt Becky have sex on Sunday morning too. But they call it naked wrestling – and you can't go in the room," Noah informed Will – stopping him in the tracks of his makeshift monologue and lecture.

Olivia let out a small snort and looked at Will. "I'm so glad our son is getting a sex education from a cousin who's parents call it naked wrestling," she said flatly and quietly.

Will glanced at her and then looked at Noah – and let out a deep breath.

"OK, sweets. In our house – we use real words. It's sex or it's making love. But when it's a grown-up couple – who love each other and they are in a relationship or married or a Mommy and Daddy – it's really rude to be talking about their private time and them having sex. OK? Sex is personal, private time that grown-ups agree to have together to show how much they love and care about each other. You and Kyle don't need to be talking about it with each other. If you have questions – you can ask me and Mommy and Kyle can go and ask Uncle Tom and Aunt Becky."

"That's talking about it too," Noah said.

Will sighed. "Asking questions is different than talking behind people's backs, Noah. Talking behind people's back is like telling fibs. Do you like when kids at school talk about you being sick?"

He shook his head hard.

Will nodded. "Because it's personal and private, right? And, if they have questions – they should ask you or come and talk to me and Mommy – not be talking about it and making things up with each other, right?"

Noah nodded hard again.

Will gave him a thin smile. "It's the same thing. Sort of. When me and Mommy have sex – it's personal, private time. It's something we do in private. So it's not something that other people should be talking about when we aren't around."

"Sometimes you touch in not private time," Noah contended – apparently moving away from the rest of the discussion.

Will snorted and glanced at her. "Sometimes I kiss and hug and hold Mommy's hand when it's not private time. But I kiss and hug and hold your hand too, right? So that stuff isn't really private time stuff, is it? That's just family stuff – and showing each other how much we care about each other."

"Then how come sex touching is private time?" he demanded. "We can talk about hugging and kissing and farting whenever we want."

Olivia snorted at that but rubbed at her eyebrow. "Sex is private time – because it involves touching private parts, Noah. We've talked about that. And what do we say about our private parts?"

He looked up at her and shrugged. "Private parts, private time."

She nodded. "Private parts, private time."

Noah considered that. "Then how come reading and crosswords are private time? That's not private parts or nothing!"

Olivia let out a small laugh at that – trying to relax a bit now that his interest in what they had or hadn't been doing in the loft seemed to be passing.

"Because Mommy needs to concentrate. And someone doesn't let Mommy concentrate very well if they are in the bedroom with me chattering, do they?"

Noah looked at her with that comment and shrugged.

She rolled her eyes.

"You know what I heard you did last night?" she asked and he glanced up at her again. "P-U-K-E-D."

She saw him trying to string the letters together in his head. She let him think on it for a minute. He was getting better and better at reading. But spelling things out-loud was still a bit of a struggle for him. She thought he'd likely figure it out, though, if she gave him enough time.

"Pu …" she started to sound out for him.

"Puked?" Noah asked and looked up at her again. "I puked lots."

She gave him a sad smile and reached to caress his head. "And how are you feeling now, sweetheart?"

He shrugged.

She sighed. "Did you sleep, Noah?"

He nodded.

"When's the last time you threw up, sweets?"

Noah just shrugged again. "I don't know. It was dark."

She allowed a small nod at that. At least that meant he'd been done for several hours and he didn't seem that under the weather. He actually seemed pretty good. So she'd just have to hope it was the usual and nothing to get too worked up about. Ted and May didn't seem too worked up about it – and neither did Noah – so it mustn't have been too frightening. Just a bit of vomit. A usual occurrence for them anymore.

She nudged at Will. "Com'on, let's talk to your parents and see how we can help," she encouraged.

Will nodded and gave Noah another smile before moving away from the table. He had a deck of playing cards out and was sorting through them in some sort of imagined game.

Noah had made up all kinds of his own games with play cards with all the time they'd spent in the hospital. It was a small and easy-to-pack item for them to take with them to try to give him some level of distraction, if they ended up getting stuck somewhere for hours unexpectedly. He seemed to have taught himself to lose himself in the sorting, organization and shuffling of the cards. Sometimes he even tried his hand at building card structures and towers.

Olivia thought some day that might get them into some trouble. They might have a bit of a budding card shark on their hands. Will had jokingly tried to teach him the fundamentals of card counting and the various frequencies of occurrences and probabilities in a deck while playing any sort of game. But even the basic concept was a little over Noah's head at the moment. He knew there were 10 numbered cards and a Jack, Queen, King in four suits and two Jokers. That's about as far as he got. He was far more interested in playing Go Fish – not the probability of if his Mom or Dad actually had the card he was asking for. Though, that hadn't stopped Will from trying to make it clearer by teaching him Liar (aka Bullshit – though they couldn't call it that for the sake of the swear jar). That had just prompted Noah to revert to wanting to play Spit or Slap Jack instead. So Olivia thought she didn't have to worry about him penny gambling or becoming a poker fiend quite yet.

Ted glanced at them from where he was pushing some food around in a frying pan as they entered the kitchen. He gave them a sincere smile.

"Morning sunshines," he greeted heartedly.

"Smells good, Dad," Will offered.

He nodded a looked back to his efforts. "Since I missed Olivia's request last time you were over," he said.

She allowed a thin smile at that. "I'm still pretty full from all your barbeque last night, Ted," she told him.

He glanced at her. "Hmm," he said. "Thought you two would've worked up a bit of an appetite."

Will groaned. "Dad … seriously? Everyone has to bug us about this today?"

Ted gave him a smile. "Com'on, son. It's the one night where the whole family gets to know and give you the nudge-nudge, wink-wink."

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow and looked at Will. She didn't much like the teasing but it was clear that Will was pretty embarrassed by it. But Will had always been more bashful than her on multiple levels. It was just part of who he was.

"Where's Mom?" Will sighed, not commenting on his father's little tease.

Ted glanced over his shoulder again, before turning back to his food, which he was starting to put on plates, despite Olivia's statement about not really being interested in breakfast or brunch or lunch … or whatever it was for them at that point in the day. He nodded through the window.

"Over at Tom's. She's helping Becky get the kids packed up. Rob's driving the kids into the city to see if they can still get out on their planes and trains and back to school. Then dropping Karen, Tobey and Louise out at her sister's in Englewood. Come back. Taking Karen and the kids over to Woodbridge before heading into work."

Will just gazed at him rattling off that information. "Why's Tom not doing that?" he asked with a touch of annoyance and accusation in his voice.

Ted just glanced at him again. "Don't get that tone, son," he said. "Tom's got his work. He's gone in for that. City's getting geared up. Your brother needs to be boots to the ground."

"So they're taking their families out of here?" Will said, ignoring his father's comment.

Ted nodded. "Yep. We're border zone. Told the boys – it'd be best to get everyone out of here, just in case. They're going to be tied up with work – if it's bad. Can't have them worrying about the wives and kids and not doing their jobs."

Will sighed and glanced at Olivia. She shook her head and shrugged. She was actually feeling a little sorry for some of their guests the night before. They would've had a long day and a late night – if any of them were getting called in to take on some extra shifts too.

If the storm did hit – and if it was bad – it could be a several long days, if the city was right about the potential for flooding and the damage of a surge, as well as the power outages and downed lines that could happen even if they just got hit with the hurricane force winds.

She was starting to wonder if any of the guys were being asked to provide some boots on the ground. They weren't patrol – but in an emergency situation, they'd likely get asked to help out. Though, calling it an emergency situation just yet seemed to a bit overkill. It kind of felt like everyone was getting a little worked up over a potential possibility rather than a reality. There was preparedness and then there was panic. Sometimes it felt like people got into a bit too much of a panic aout these kinds of things.

"Well, where are you and Mom going then?" Will said.

Ted shook his head at that and turned to plop the two heaping plates of food on the counter in front of them.

"No where. We'll stay and watch the houses for everyone. Wait it out," his dad said.

Will snorted. "Yeah. That's smart. Leave the 70-year-olds to take care of the property in a hurricane," he said.

Ted waged his spatula at his son. "I'm not 70 yet, boy, and neither is your mother. I think I know a thing or two about taking care of my home – after all these years."

"Dad – you're in the evacuation zone," Will spat and looked at him sternly.

Ted shook his head and shoved the food a bit more towards them. "Zone B. We're not being ordered out."

"You're right on the border of A," Will said. "You should be leaving too. If it's bad enough that you're making Karen and Becky and the kids get out – you and Mom should be going somewhere too."

Ted shook his head again and glared at his son. "We're fine. And if it gets bad – someone needs to be here with the houses – and here on the ground for the community to get us all cleaned up and squared-away."

"Dad – you're retired. They'll have people here to do that, if that becomes necessary," Will said.

Ted shook his head again. "We're staying put," he said and then loudly clattered some utensils on the counter for them. "Eat your breakfasts. I'm going to work on the back. If you want to be any help – you can stop your yammering and come out there. AFTER you eat."

He gave Will another firm glare before casting Olivia a look and then making for the little hall and out onto the porch. Olivia could see his head through the window from the kitchen for a moment. He was just standing there looking out over the three yards – almost like he was trying to see through their neighbouring houses and down the couple blocks to the water.

Will sighed and looked at her. "We can't just leave them here," he told her.

She shrugged and twisted her plate around a bit. It smelled good. Ted's breakfasts were always good. She just didn't know if she had any room in her stomach yet for anything.

"Will – your dad has worked in emergency situations his whole life. He knows how it all works and he knows how to handle himself. And – I'm sure there will be lots of people who will know he's here, if something comes up. They'll be fine. It's weather anyways – we can't even predict it. It might just be a big to-do about nothing. They say the storm is losing strength. It's probably not even going to be a hurricane by the time it gets here. It will just be a bunch of wind and rain."

Will sighed and looked at his plate. "He's sending my brothers' families away. That means he thinks it's going to be bad. The city is making it out to be bad. The mayor is making it out to be bad. If you weren't on leave right now – you'd probably be headed in too."

She looked at him. "Will…" she sighed.

He was getting so worked up about it. She understood that Will didn't do well with situations that he thought could have tragic outcomes – especially if he felt the city or someone he loved was under attack. And, they had enough stress and conflict and tragedy around them at the moment. But right now – they were supposed to be in the afterglow of a good day, a moment for them. She really didn't want any of them getting so worked up about some water and wind and grey skies. She didn't want Will to be worrying himself sick over Mother Nature.

"Maybe I should stay," he suggested quietly and looked at her.

She looked down. She didn't know she liked that idea. Separating on the day after their wedding? While Noah was still in the rebound phase of his treatment cycle? While she was still dealing with her own recovery and still needed a bit of his help around the house even with daily, mundane things?

She really just wanted to spend Sunday with him. She wanted to go home and carve their pumpkin that night like they'd planned. She didn't want Will to miss their Sunday afternoon plans of Halloween prep and resting from their wedding afterglow.

"Will …" she started again.

"There's no way that their going to be able to clean up the backyards themselves alone before the weather hits – even if it is just rain," Will said. "Not with everyone gone and not here to help them. Getting it cleaned up – it's the least we can do after everything they did to make yesterday happen."

She nodded. "OK. So we clean up – and then we'll head out later this afternoon," she tried.

"Liv," Will sighed. "I don't feel comfortable just leaving them here alone, if it's bad … when they're in an evacuation zone. I don't want my dad … trying to be a hero."

She looked down and gave a small nod. "OK," she said. She could understand that fear. It wasn't like his parents were unwell – but they were getting older and Ted had his tremors, even if they were mostly under control. It was hard to walk away and abandon them after the kindness they'd been showing. Actually, it was near impossible. She was feeling guilty that she was even thinking about it. It's just that, she really, didn't think that it was going to be that bad. Sure, the sky was starting to get a little grey and the wind was definitely breezy – but that was late-October weather. "We'll stay."

Will shook his head. "I don't want you and Noah stuck here if it's bad – not with your health issues right now. You both should be near the hospital."

She looked at him and shook her head hard at that. "We aren't going to separate," she said. "If you're staying – Noah and I are staying too."

Will gazed at her. "The apartment is out of the projected flood zone. I checked the evacuation map. I think when Rob's headed into work – you and Noah should get a ride … and you should take Mom with you."

She gaped at him. "Will…" she shook her head. She didn't know if it was the concept of being separated from him or the concept of being alone with May for a night was upsetting her more now.

"Mom will be able to help you around the house – or if something happens and you need to take Noah into the hospital," he said. "And, she shouldn't be here either, if it gets bad."

"Will…" she sighed again.

She knew that putting May up for the night was another thing on the list of the least they could do for his parents after everything they'd done for the wedding. But she still would prefer to spend the night with Will – not his mother. If something happened and she needed help – she'd prefer that help to come from Will, not his mother.

Will knew how to operate in a crisis – if there was one. Olivia wasn't sure she could see May functioning at all. She thought May was more likely to be in a tizzy – and if Will was in a tizzy right now, she didn't even want to think about what May's tizzy over at Tom's house might look like right now. Or what she'd be like if the rain started that night and she was in Manhattan while Ted and Will were on the island.

"I'll stay and watch the houses with Dad," Will said a bit more sternly. "And, you're likely right – it's likely just going to be a rain storm. So it's just one night, Liv. Everything will be back to normal tomorrow. Let's just … help them and be cautious today. Please?"

She sighed but nodded. She wasn't going to cast them into an argument – and she wasn't going to do anything to seem ungrateful for his parents' efforts. Still, she hated that she'd be heading home without the man who'd become her home.


	216. Chapter 216

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"But why didn't Daddy come home?" Noah whined at her again.

Olivia felt like she was talking in circles with him and he just wasn't accepting her answers at all.

"Because if the storm is bad, Daddy didn't want Popa to have to be alone," she offered again.

Noah looked up at her from where he was leaning against her on the couch. She was holding him in a loose embrace and trying to calm him. But she could feel his upset and tension radiating off of him and in the stiffness of his little, frail body. He was making his frustration with her answers and the situation known even more by kicking his heel against the couch cushion with each demand for further explanation.

"But if Nana hadn't come with us, Popa wouldn't be alone!" Noah told her again – kind of reciting the obvious.

Olivia sighed. She thought May had likely heard Noah's protest against her presence too, because something clattered in the kitchen.

May had insisted on bringing near all the leftovers from the wedding reception back into Manhattan with them. It'd been a lot. Far more than what her and Will would've ever agreed to take under different circumstances.

Olivia had no idea where she was supposed to be putting it. As it was – the containers were cluttering up the fridge and jamming full the freezer. There hadn't been room for it all – so some of the items that May had deemed as not needing refrigeration had been placed all over their limited counter space and dining room table. The woman had even set a plate with some cheese, leftover fruit and vegetables and cupcakes – a rather strange combination – out on the coffee table in front of her and Noah. But neither of them seemed very interested in the wilting, slimy, softening and staling snack options at the moment.

As far as Olivia was concerned the whole exercise of dragging all the food over was a little ridiculous. In other circumstances – it would've made much more sense to leave it at Ted and May's and let the three households and multitudes of grandchildren eat through it while her and Will took a small selection of favourites or treats for the week. But with the family's panic about the storm and the potential loss of electricity, May had insisted there wasn't any point in leaving the food at their home to spoil.

The thing was, Olivia didn't really think it would do much more than spoil at their home either. There was far too much for their family to ever eat. At the moment, she thought the freezer was jam-packed enough that there was enough food there to last the three of them about a year – probably longer because the kind of food they had at the reception wasn't exactly things they took to eating on a daily basis. Not to mention there was so much in the fridge and out on the counters and tables – it was going to spoil anyways. And, May clearly hadn't taken into consideration that they might lose power as well – which put all the food at just as much risk of perishing as if it had been left over on Staten Island. So the reality was that her and Will were humouring her – as usual.

After all this calmed down, it would just become another task for her and Will to take on. Something they didn't really have the time or energy for. But they'd be stuck with cleaning out their fridge and freezer again. And, Olivia would be stuck dealing with Will's guilt about throwing out food his mother had given them – and throwing out food in general. But Olivia really didn't see the point if having their fridge and freezer so packed full of things that they just didn't eat. They could take some of it into their respective jobs. They might even try to give a couple of the frozen meals to the young guy who lived in the garden apartment. And, they could try to give some of it back to May and Ted – though that would likely be refused. So it'd reach the point where the only true option available was to start tossing some of it.

To make matters worse, after unloading all the food, May had begun fussing in the kitchen. She'd been in there for a while now – apparently baking some cookies and muffins. Olivia didn't really understand why they needed more food in the house at that point – but she'd just bit her tongue. She was just happy that May had something to keep her distracted and out from underfoot for the moment. She could only hope that by morning the storm would have blown over and they could all just get back to their normal lives and routines. May could return to Staten Island. Will could return home.

But, Olivia was even starting to question herself if that was going to be what happened. Rob had both the radio and his work transceiver chattering on the drive back into the city. It was clear that city officials and emergency responders were taking the arrival of Sandy seriously and seemed to be expecting the worse. The reality of what it might bring seemed to be looming too in the sky – as the dark clouds began to hang more ominously. The way the wind was picking up speed was that much more apparent as they crossed the bridges – and gazing into the distance, it was clear too that the waters below them were churning dark and choppy.

The storm was coming. The real question was if it would blow over the city and come ashore somewhere else – and they'd just get their usual autumn grey skies and rain, maybe a bit more wind, some stray branches tossed down from tress and a few scattered power outages because of it. Olivia still wanted to believe that was the more likely scenario. Though, she did understand the need for precaution. It was just hard to believe that the weather the day before had been so beautiful and now she was bunkering down in a house with her mother-in-law while her husband was over doing some last-minute sandbagging around his family's property. It seemed like just the kind of luck her and Will would have.

"Well, if the storm is bad – Popa didn't want Nana to be at the house or for the house to be alone," Olivia tried again. "He wants to make sure the houses are OK. And, if the storm is bad – Daddy didn't want Popa to be alone at the house either. So he stayed to help and to keep Popa company."

Noah looked up at her from where he was leaning against her. "Bad? How?"

She sighed again suddenly wishing she'd explained it differently. "They just think that maybe a lot of people might lose power and that there's going to be a lot of wind and rain," she offered.

"And thunder and lightening?"

She shrugged. "Maybe."

She wasn't a meteorologist and she really wasn't following the storm's approach that actively. She almost felt like about the only one in the city who wasn't at that point. Maybe she really should be turning on the television and getting up-to-date. But she really didn't want to get herself worked up about a what-if. They had emergency supplies around if something did happen – and she was still clinging to the hope that by morning she'd be on the phone with Will making arrangements for how to get everyone relocated to where they belonged.

"BUT MOM," Noah protested. "YOU SAID THAT WE'D GET OUR PUMPKIN TODAY. YOU SAID."

She shook her head and wanted to roll her eyes. "We're going to wait until Daddy gets back to get the pumpkin. He won't want to miss that – and he's much better at carving it than me."

Noah examined her again at that and then flopped his full weight back against her. "I have a headache," he said quietly.

It was her turn to examine him at that. She wasn't sure if it was just a way to get some attention at that point. Or if he'd be fretting himself so much he did actually have a headache. But her worse fear about all his activity at the wedding had been he'd cause another tear in his membrane. Their doctor had warned he'd be at a risk for that for weeks after the lumbar puncture – even with his patch now, if it absorbed too quickly or had reason to become dislodged. But this was the first she was hearing about his headache. He hadn't said anything about it while they were still on Staten Island or on the trip home. It was only coming up now.

"A headache or a spinal headache?" she asked.

"I don't know," he mumbled and kicked his heels against the couch again.

She sighed. "Sweets, you know the difference. A normal headache or bad headaches like before?"

"Bad," he said flatly.

"You haven't been acting like it's bad," she told him, and ran her hand over his cheek and forehead testing their temperatures. He felt a little warm but not feverish.

"You don't know nothing about headaches," he informed her. "Daddy knows about headaches."

She looked at him a bit harder at that. She almost wanted to glare at him. He was a little boy – but he was acting a little whiney and spoiled at the moment. Considering the circumstances and how nicely everyone had treated him the day before she expected a little more from him. She was under enough stress. She didn't exactly want to deal with Noah having a bratty moment – or worse, actually having a medical emergency in the midst of the storm and Will in a different borough. And, a borough that had him completely cut off from getting to them at least for the moment with the bridges and transit closures in the wake of Sandy's arrival.

"Daddy's not here – so it's going to have to be me that helps with your headache," she told him firmly. "Do you feel pukey?"

He shook his head at that. She nudged his shoulder a bit to get him to sit up and off of her but he didn't budge.

"I need you to sit up, Noah," she told him. "I need to look at your plaster."

He huffed at her but listened and she hiked up the back of his shirt and looked at the plaster on his spine where the blood patch had been created. She rubbed her hand over it gently and Noah jerked away from her just a bit. She couldn't see or feel anything that indicated there was seepage coming from the puncture site but the skin around the area on his back was flushed again – and it seemed rather red and hot to her. Redder and hotter than she remembered it being before.

She sighed again and pulled him against her a bit and bent to put a kiss against his forehead. "Oh sweets …" she muttered. "Did you dance too much?"

He shrugged. "I don't know," he whined. "When's Daddy coming home?"

"Hopefully tomorrow, Noah. When the storm is done."

"But there's not a storm!"

"Not yet – but it's coming," she told him. "We saw the clouds and waves and could feel the wind on the way home. It's going to be here soon."

He scrunched the far cushion with his feet again, knocking it up and kicking it away in an effort to indicate his frustration.

She rubbed her hand across his chest. "Don't do that sweets," she told him.

"Com'on," she said and moved, standing and helping him lay down before putting the cushion back in place. "Remember you're supposed to lay still and flat when you have a spinal headache. So you try to rest. I'm going to get some children's Tylenol for you – and we'll see how you're doing after a little nap. I think you're very, very tired."

At least she hoped that's what it was.


	217. Chapter 217

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was almost surprised to see May having just reached the top of the stairs as she emerged from the bathroom where she was trying to calm and sooth Noah. She'd taken him up there for some privacy and just to have the larger space in the bathroom and the bigger tub for her little boy. But she supposed she shouldn't be that surprised that Will's mother was checking on them at this point. They'd been up there … Olivia wasn't even sure how long at this point.

She'd tried just about every trick Will had used with Noah during his previous spinal headaches – methods Will sometimes implemented himself while he was battling a particularly brutal migraine that he hadn't managed to ward off with his medication. She'd laid him down with a cold compress on his head. She'd rubbed at his temples, squeezed at the bridge of his nose and massaged his scalp. She'd put his fingertips in ice cold water and lay him lay flat like that. She'd fed him some bread – trying to fill his belly and absorb the pain. She'd given him a small cup of caffeinated tea. But nothing was seeming to work.

They'd been home for more than 24 hours now and the complaining of the headache from her son was continuing. The promised arrival of Sandy on Sunday night had been pushed back until Monday afternoon. If it was making landfall now, it was just starting to seem like a rainy day was blowing in.

The rain was drizzling down harder and the wind was definitely starting to pick up – she could hear it whipping around and rattling at the windows and the cracks and creaky structure of their brownstone that really didn't seem to be as well insolated as it should be. But when she took the time to look out the window – it still didn't look that bad to her yet.

It was quiet on the street – clear that most people had stayed home as instructed and were just hunkering down until the storm really did pass over them. Beyond that, though, it was some drops of rain, some swaying branches on the trees that lined their street, some rattling street signs and rather grey skies that hung over the city with dark low clouds. She still was waiting for the true magnitude of the supposed Frankenstorm to arrive.

She'd been on the phone with Will a couple times during the day – checking in and trying to get him to calm Noah too. It didn't sound like things looked that different over there yet either though.

Will had said he and his father had walked the couple blocks down Yetman Avenue to the shore to check out the water. He'd reported that the shoreline was definitely rising and creeping up ashore. But it wasn't like a giant storm crest was crashing into the Island. He said it didn't even look all that wavy while they were down there. Still it did look like a lot of people living in the area were heeding the warnings and had followed evacuation orders, Will had said. But he felt like too few of the houses and businesses had really prepared themselves for the storm. He hadn't seen much sandbagging, boarded windows or other signs of battening down the hatches.

Ted, on the other hand, even with living a solid two blocks away from the water and on the edge of Zone A, had gone to town with getting the houses and their properties ready. Everything that could be taken inside was – packed away in the houses and sheds and garages of the three homes. They'd filled sandbags and put them around the foundations and further up on the yards. They'd boarded up the windows. Ted wasn't taking any chances.

After they'd completed that work – they'd helped some of the neighbors, who didn't seem to feel they needed to go to as much effort as Ted was but who still seemed to appreciate the help. They'd also apparently made quite the run over to Costco and battled the crowds to stock up on water, canned goods, batteries and other supplies – both for themselves and the larger community around them should the storm end up being bad.

Will had joked that if Sandy didn't hit – at least his family was now stocked up for the Mayan Apocalypse, so they had a jump on things. He'd earned a small smile from her for that effort. But like her, he hadn't been able to earned a smile from Noah and hadn't seemed to offer anything to calm him or assure him that everything was fine, things would soon be back to normal or advice on how to manage his headache either.

Olivia was at the point she was really struggling in deciding what to do about Noah. She didn't feel he reached enough criteria for them to make one of their mandatory emergency room visits. She figured with the weather – and idiots who were likely using hammers and shovels for the first time in their lives, or who were getting too close to the rising water, or who were wandering around in the wind and rain with their cameras and phones taking pictures and video and not watching where they were going or what they were doing or what the wind was blowing around them, or who were fighting over supplies in the stores, or who were acting like they'd never driven in rain and wind before, or who were just generally getting all stressed out about the pending storm – there was likely going to be quite the crunch at the hospital. So she didn't exactly want to drag Noah through the rain to end up sitting there for hours if she didn't have to.

It was a toss up. Her gut was telling her that Noah was just scared about the storm. That he was confused about why Will wasn't there and Nana was. That he was over tired from all the activity and the late night at the wedding. That he'd eaten too many treats and that the food that his system just wasn't something he was used to stomaching anymore. That all of that was what was causing the headache. Or that he really was just being whiney and wanting some attention and his daddy and he'd picked an imagined headache as a way of expressing that.

But even though her gut was saying that it was likely a combination of those two scenarios – there was still the nagging feeling that maybe it was a spinal headache, maybe it was a membrane tear again and a spinal fluid leak. That she should be seeking out medical attention for her child and she wasn't reacting fast enough.

Often Will was a much better gauge of that. He balanced out her usual over-reactions (and her occasional under-reactions) to Noah's health. He knew more about headaches. He'd dealt with them his whole life. He'd be better able to determine if this was a normal headache, a non-headache, a bad headache or a spinal headache. But Will hasn't there to do any of that for her – or Noah – at the moment.

She was fairly certain it wasn't a spinal headache. She kept telling herself that. She did have a reference point for that at least. They'd just dealt with that.

During his membrane tear and spinal fluid leak, the spinal headaches had been causing Noah to vomit violently and frequently. He'd been pale and pasty and clammy with a slight fever. He'd had a consistent urge to lay flat and he'd complained of back pain and what sounded like near vertigo. But he wasn't showing any of those symptoms this time.

He was teary. He was a little flushed in his complexion. He did seem a little light and noise sensitive. The skin around the plaster covering his patch was a little flushed red and warm to the touch. But his biggest complaint was just that his head hurt. It didn't seem the same as last time at all.

So in a final ditch effort to deal with Noah, she'd stripped him down and placed him under the cool water of the shower. He'd stood there in tears and had told her that she was still doing it wrong – which about had her near her own tears at the point, as she reached her own exhaustion and frustration levels in trying to help her little boy.

Will had joined Noah in the shower during his spinal headaches last time. Holding him and rocking him and massaging at the back of his neck and through his tears under the cold water and in the darkened room.

Will had been in-and-out of the shower with him for hours. Noah had even puked down his back and cried harder in his frustration and pain. Still, Will had just kept rocking him and soothing him to the point that Olivia was near convinced they were both going to get hypothermia. But it'd been the only thing that had provided Noah with any sort of comfort during it. And, it was becoming clearer that it wasn't the dark room and the cool raindrops of the shower that had provided the relief. The real comfort of it had come from being in his daddy's arms and held against Will's bare chest, skin-to-skin with his strong hands and arms gently massaging at his little pressure points along the base of his neck. Olivia could relate. At that point she could really use some time in Will's embrace too.

Instead, though, she was preparing herself to try Will's method – and was about to call Noah's primary nurse to see if she was under-reacting about all of this and then she was going to dig out her bathing suit and get into the shower with him.

She wasn't sure holding him under the spray was going to do much. She'd been holding him and hugging him and trying to sooth him and comfort him and find something to make him feel a bit better for a day now with no success. She didn't think her getting into the tub with him would be the magic solution. He wouldn't be getting the same skin-to-skin contact as he had against his dad's chest – and she wasn't his dad. Her son was definitely doing his best that day to make that clear to her. Some things Daddy was just better at – headaches, Noah had decided, was on that list.

So for the moment she'd left him in the bathroom alone.

When she'd left him he'd huddled himself in a corner of the tub, under the steady stream of cool water, his knees pulled up to his chest and tears still visibly streaming down his flushed cheeks. It was breaking her heart and providing an even eerier reminder of Will and his absence.

Early on in their friendship, Will had called her in the early evening, asking if she was still out of the building and if she could stop and pick up a prescription for him before she came home. She'd agreed. She'd thought she'd just be dropping the pills off for him on her way in. But instead when she'd got to his apartment door – he hadn't answered. The door had been left unlocked though and she'd found him inside the bathroom with the lights out with the sound of the shower spraying down on him. She could feel the coolness of the water even as she entered the room and when he'd just barely mumbled his thanks at her and to leave the pills on the counter – she'd cautiously peaked around the curtain. He hadn't sounded well and the whole scene was increasing her concern about his well-being. Will had been huddled off in the corner of the tub in a similar way to what Noah was doing now. Some vomit, induced by his migraine, still hadn't completely washed down the drain yet. He looked so pale – yet flushed at the same time – and was shivering in the water.

Olivia had never had to deal with migraines herself – and, though she'd known people who'd struggled with migraines or stress headaches on the job, she'd never really witnessed how debilitating a bad one could actually be. Will was in enough pain at the time that he didn't seem to much notice, or care, that she was standing in his bathroom and looking at him naked in the tub – when they'd only known each other a few months and were going through a rough patch in even deciding if they were able to be friends.

It'd ended up being her who had a couple moments of awkwardness of trying to decide if she should look away or leave him alone (though he'd later express embarrassment and regret that she'd had to see him like that and he'd inconvenienced her like that. He'd really offered more apologies than were necessary) – as he continued to mumble and shiver at her that it was just a migraine and he'd take the pills when he was done vomiting and he'd be fine. She hadn't really believed him. She actually had wanted to take him to the hospital. But even with Will being incapacitated, she hadn't won that battle. She did manage, though, to get him out of the shower, dried off, warmed up and the pill down his throat and into his system. She'd also managed to convince him to come next door to her apartment and had settled him into her bed in the dark with a cold pack on his head – so she could make sure he was OK while still being near her sleeping son. About 90 minutes after he'd managed to keep one of his pills down, he'd been asleep and though he'd still seemed washed out in the morning – he had claimed the migraine was gone.

It had been a turning point in their friendship. She supposed it had demonstrated to both of them that they cared about the other maybe a little more than they wanted to admit. Olivia wasn't sure that she could really just stop being friends with Will after seeing him naked, of after having to almost physically support him and dry him off while getting him out of the tub and then down the hall, or after cleaning up his vomit or after checking in on his sleeping form in her bed near hourly over the course of the night while she tried to sleep on her couch. But even though it was a sign-post in the establishment of their relationship – and that that turned out to be a happy thing – she'd still never really forgotten how frail and sick her now-husband looked in that particular moment. The sense of concern and fear that had washed over her seeing him like that still seemed vivid.

There'd only been a handful of times in the years since then that Will hadn't caught his auras early enough to take his pills and take steps to ward off a disastrous migraine. But even then, none of them had ever quite struck Olivia in the same way as it had in being with him during that first one she'd experienced.

Now her small son was in the same huddled and sickly position in their bathroom. The fear and helplessness she'd felt those years ago in helping Will felt just as real now with Noah. It was the same but different than dealing with his cancer as a whole. It was a compartmentalized issue that magnified the whole experience. It was something she couldn't truly seem to help him with no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't fix it. There wasn't an easy solution. She was just having to ride it out with him and to try to make it easier in the interim.

But it all just seemed to make her husband's absence – Noah's daddy's absence – feel that much more raw. She just wanted Will there. She was so mad at the weather and it's timing and this storm taking its sweet time to get there. It was disrupting their lives whether it hit with any force or not.

"Is everything OK?" May asked, as Olivia breezed out of the bathroom rubbing at her eyes and temples a bit, trying to calm her own nerves and possibly the start of her own headache. But mostly to try to force the tears of exhaustion and frustration that were trying to push their way out - to stay in.

Olivia glanced at the older woman and sighed a little and just gestured back towards the bathroom.

"He just isn't feeling well," she offered and then sighed a bit louder and shook her head. "He wants his dad. Will's just … better … at these kinds of things. He wants Will …"

May gave her a sympathetic smile at that. There almost seemed to be some knowing to it – that it wasn't just Noah who wanted Will. Though, that was likely clear from the overheard tidbits in the brief telephone conversations so far and general body language Olivia knew she was emitting.

Olivia was trying to be welcoming and appreciative. But she really just wanted her husband there and her family to be together. It was just so frustrating to be separated after their wedding – and even more challenging with Noah not feeling well. She took some comfort in the overheard bits of conversation she'd heard between May and Ted, though. It seemed May wanted just as much to be back into her usual routine and at her own house and with her own husband as Olivia did.

"That headache still rattling him?" May asked.

Olivia gave a small nod and moved more into bedroom to where she'd left her phone on the dresser.

"I'm just going to call his nurse," she told Will's mom. "See if maybe I should be taking him over to the E.R."

May allowed a slight head tilt to that – like she was considering it and maybe thinking Olivia was having an over-reaction. May too had witnessed part of Noah's previous battle with a spinal headache. Maybe this didn't quite look the same to her either.

"Do you want me to sit with him for a while?" May offered, "So you can get a bit of a break?"

Olivia glanced at her from examining a few text messages from Will on her phone. He seemed to feel that the storm was starting to pick up and roll in over there now. She looked towards the bedroom window, again trying to gauge where things were at in their part of the city. She was having trouble seeing how their perspectives could be so different – that Will still felt bad things were to come while she was just waiting for the rain and wind to pass over. Could things be that different between Staten Island and the Upper West Side?

"I'm OK," she near muttered back, distracted as she contemplated the weather outside. "I'm going to get changed and get in there with him after I make the call."

She looked back to May at that – there wasn't much to see out their window that overlooked their little garden – rain, wind, grey. The same as two hours ago. But the woman was now giving a look that seemed more sad than sympathetic.

"Are you sure?" May pressed. "Will has had headaches ever since he was a little boy. I have a lot of experience dealing with them. I know how frustrating dealing with those bad ones can be. It's almost worse than when the little ones have earaches, I'd say. So hard to find comfort for them."

Olivia allowed her a thin smile at that. But just sighed and shrugged. May took it as an invitation to continue.

"You know, I think he gets those awful headaches because of that doctor who pulled him out of me with the forceps," May stated matter-of-factly and almost overly candidly.

Olivia gazed at her more at that comment. "Excuse me?" she near sputtered. She wasn't sure how exactly May suddenly got on this topic and she wasn't sure she wanted to envision Will being pulled out of his mother with forceps.

"Oh, the obstetrician, he decided Will was just taking too long. So he clamped the forceps around his head and yanked him out," she added like it was just a fact of life, which Olivia supposed it was. Not one anyone had felt the need of mentioning to her before though. She wasn't sure it was something she felt the need to know either. "It's why he has such a funny shaped head."

Olivia felt a more genuine smile tug at the sides of her mouth at that comment. She looked down, though, to hide it and rubbed at her eyebrow for a moment to compose herself.

"Will doesn't have a funny shaped head," she contended.

May waved a dismissive hand at her. "Of course he does. You're just biased."

Olivia shook her head. "I think it's his mother who's supposed to be biased."

She couldn't imagine saying something like Noah had a funny shaped head. But as far as she was concerned – Noah had been born perfect. He was a beautiful baby and even now in all his illness and his frail body, she still saw her beautiful little boy under it. It was just hard to see him so sick.

She kind of thought that's how all mothers were supposed to feel their baby was born perfect and as a thing of beauty – no matter how imperfect or even ugly their baby might actually be. But Olivia supposed she'd probably wanted and waited for Noah a lot longer than May had to wait or long for her children. Olivia also hadn't had three babies. Maybe by the time you got to the third one the novelty of it all had worn off a bit – and the slimy, red fit of a screaming little naked human-being didn't seem quite as beautiful or perfect anymore. Maybe by number three you were able to focus more on things like a slightly flat head.

Olivia thought she would've likely been more apt to spot Will's giant Dumbo ears. Though, maybe those ears and his Afro of curly blond hair hadn't truly veered their heads until he was a toddler. She thought about pointing out that the expanse of her husband's ears and hair really over-shadowed any deficiencies in the shape of his head. But then she thought better of it. Maybe May wasn't joking about his head. Maybe she wouldn't see Olivia's returned comment as a joke either. Maybe May didn't know that Will's ears were a little on the large size and that his hairstyle as a child had been slightly mortifying. Maybe May thought those things had been perfect, beautiful and cute on her little boy. And, even though Will was a grown man now – he was still May's son and Olivia wasn't about to point out to another woman that her child might've been a little on the homely side.

But she just got another dismissive wave to her comment anyways.

"I see my children for what and who they are," May said. "You push aside the fog of marriage the next time you see him and take a good look at that noggin. You'll see right now with all his hair off – flat, flat, flat," she informed her, tapping on the sides of her own head.

"Can you imagine those awful things clamping around his little soft skull?" she asked. "Squished his brain, I think. I guess that at least some of it squished up right with all his number figuring – because otherwise I haven't got a clue where all those smarts came from in that boy. But some if it must have squished up wrong because he was a colicky baby and then from the time he could talk – there were the tears about the headaches."

It was Olivia's turn to offer her a sympathetic smile at that.

Will had repeatedly told her he'd had headaches and migraines all his life – that he just dealt with them. She'd always sort of figured he meant since he was a teenager. Her understanding was that most people didn't get diagnosed as being a migraine sufferer until they at least reached their teens. She'd never much thought about if he'd had them in childhood or how a little boy would've tried to express that pain or cope with it.

It was an eye-opening piece of information about Will's youth and it just made her want to be near him and hug him even more – especially now seeing how Noah was struggling with his headache, and headaches weren't something that had just been a frequent fact-of-life for him. Dealing with a few were hard enough. It may not be leukemia but Olivia didn't want to think about her love having to manage those for his entire life. They were more than just an inconvenience. There was a pain, a frailty, a frustration level to them – and a helplessness for the adults around you trying to aid and comfort you.

May's revelation made Olivia feel like maybe she didn't dote on Will quite enough on the days he told her he add a headache. Maybe she was too dismissive. She rarely even acknowledged him saying it unless he expressed he thought he had a migraine coming on. Or he did have a migraine and went to take his pills and lay in the dark with a request for some peace and quiet.

It also suddenly set in that Will's headaches and migraines often seemed to be weather sensitive. It was one of his triggers. There really were some days where in the morning he'd say, 'I think it's going to rain today.' She usually muttered a response that she hadn't checked the weather. Will would say, 'Nah. I can feel it coming.'

She never understood what he meant entirely. She'd teased him that he was a barometer or that he was like an old arthritic man who could feel the rain in his bones. He didn't much like the teasing. He'd told her it was just a pressure he felt in his head, a change in the light and in his sight. He could just feel it. And, often he was right. There would be rain and he'd complain of a headache in the evening or mention that he'd had to take some of his pills to ward off a migraine that was trying to veer its ugly head.

Will could likely feel the storm. He could feel Sandy coming up the coast and the hurricane blowing closer to the city and readying to make landfall. He'd likely been feeling it for days with the grey skies and the changing winds and the shifting barometric pressure. He likely hadn't said anything because it was their wedding day. He likely hadn't mentioned it because his parents needed help cleaning up the properties after the celebration and to prepare for the worst. He likely didn't want her to worry or fuss over him. Any pain he was feeling had likely been pushed aside even more as she got on the phone with him and complained about her inability to sooth their son.

Will's body was likely telling him that this was going to be bad. He was likely fighting pain and light sensitivity and his own nausea as he helped his father and dealt with her and Noah from a distance. And, meanwhile, all she'd been doing was whining at him about the separation, whining at him about Noah's whining and repeatedly telling him that it was him who was over-reacting and that the storm wasn't going to be a big deal. The guilt of that hit her. But, in reality, it just made her want to be near him even more. It racketed up her worry. If this was how Noah was feeling – how was her husband doing? It almost made her feel like Noah was reacting to the pain Will was feeling even with them being apart. It made it make that much more sense that only Daddy could resolve his pain and tears right now. It became that much clearer that it wasn't going to matter what she said or did for Noah – it wasn't going to make it better that night.

Olivia shook her head at May. "I really don't think there's anything you'll be able to do to help him," she said.

May gave her small nod. "Maybe not," she allowed. "But I can help you. Go make your phone call to the nurse. Get him squared away there. Then you take a bit of a break. Sit down and rest for a bit. Have a tea and get some food into you. We don't need you getting a headache and under the weather too. Give my son a call and get us an update on what's going on over there. I can watch my grandson for a bit. Maybe Grandma's touch might just be magic. You never know."


	218. Chapter 218

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia held out the glass of grape juice to Noah, where he was lying in her bed, his arms flopped in mangled directions and a cold pack draped across his forehead. He eyed the glass suspiciously and then glared a bit at her - in the kind of way that only a little boy could truly pull off. It was enough to make her want to drop her no-corporal punishment policy and give him a small smack across the back of his already aching head but wanted to laugh at him at the same time. But really, at that point, she was just so exhausted from dealing with him, all she could do was sigh.

"Noah – it's grape juice," she informed him. "You love grape juice."

He did love the grape juice – and he nearly never got it. She didn't like giving him juices, period. A lot of them just ended up irritating the sores in his mouth and down his throat. They were too packed with sugar – and she just didn't feel like he was getting much out of them beyond empty calories and disposable nutrients when she really wished they could keep something down in him that counted for a bit more. But this was a desperate measure. It was nearly a bribe.

When she'd handed him nightly oral dose of pills he'd stared at them in his little hand and had quickly informed her that she'd put an extra there. It was one of his pain pills that his primary nurse had advised her to give him and to see if there was any improvement in him overnight before dragging him into the hospital through the storm. Noah, though, had a mind of his own and had decided he wasn't going to take the pill. He'd rather continue to make them both suffer through his headache misery apparently. So he'd taken each of his other pills – leaving the painkiller in his little hand before holding it back out at her.

She had hoped that in his diminished state she might be able to pull the wool over the eyes of a six-year-old. So she had taken the pill back with her downstairs – crushing it up and stirring it into a glass of the grape juice that May had dragged back with the wedding reception leftovers. Olivia had actually had a moment where she was grateful to have all the extra crap in her kitchen. But apparently her efforts to fool Noah weren't working either.

"YOU PUT THE PILL IN IT!" he accused her loudly, kicking his feet and causing a bunch in the covers that he'd been flailing around enough to already have tangled up around his little legs.

She sighed and rubbed at her eyebrow. "I did, Noah," she agreed – she wasn't going to lie to him. "Because I need you to take this pill. Nurse Gina said you need to take this pill. And I need you to feel a bit better and get some sleep. I need to get some sleep. Because if you aren't feeling better by the morning Noah – we need to go back to the hospital. Headaches aren't supposed to be this bad or last this long. So if this pill doesn't help – we need to see a doctor and get it checked out."

He flailed in the bed more and turned himself so he wasn't looking at her. At least the acrobatics gave her some reassurances that it really likely wasn't a spinal headache. He'd hardly wanted to move with them. He definitely wasn't feeling well enough to put up this much of a fight about taking some medicine.

"IT MAKES MY MOUTH GROSS!" he moaned loudly at her and adjusted the cold pack over his eyes more.

She knew from her own experience with the painkillers in her recovery from the shooting that none of them where exactly pleasant – even if they did dull the pain and discomfort for a while. They left your mouth tasting metallic, your mouth dry and full of cotton balls and your brain fogged and stoned. But they could also help for at least a while – make it a bit more manageable – and hopefully knock you out while they worked their magic too.

She didn't like giving her son extra drugs – especially the painkillers. But it was what had been recommended by his nurse, it was what was on his file as prescribed by the doctor – and Olivia was at the point that she'd gladly have him stoned for a few hours if it meant he would feel a bit better. She knew him feeling a bit better would help her feel a bit better too.

"Daddy takes headache pills all the time, Noah," she tried – grasping at more straws.

It seemed to catch the little boy's interest, though, and he peaked at her from under the cold pack.

"It's one of Daddy's pills?"

She sighed. She wasn't going to lie to him about that, either. She wouldn't want him to think in the future that he could go looking for Will's medications or even try to take them behind their backs. That would be a disaster of its own.

"No, Noah. It's not one of Daddy's pills. It's one of your pills. But it will work like one of Daddy's. Daddy takes pills when he has headaches," she offered.

She knew Will's pills had more to do with changing the blood flow to his brain and managing his blood pressure during a migraine than it did directly have to do with being a narcotic painkiller. But Noah didn't really need to know any of that either. For the moment – she hoped that knowing Daddy took pills for headaches would be enough to make him let up his fight with her and to drink the damn glass of juice.

It seemed to be working and Noah peeked at her a little bit more and then sat up slightly in bed. So she took the opportunity while it was there and moved over to his side of the bed and sat down, holding out the glass to him again. He actually took it this time, though sniffed it first – like the scent of the pill might be noticeable enough through the juice to put a kibosh on her efforts again. But he then slowly moved it to his lips and took a sip.

"I need you to drink the whole glass, sweets," she told him.

He eyed her for a moment but then gulped at the small glass of juice, quickly finishing it and then wiping the back of his hand against the small purple-grape moustache that had appeared on his upper lip. He held the glass back to her. She set it on the bedside table and then leaned forward to tuck him back in a bit more and adjust the cold pack back across his forehead again.

"Good boy," she told him, as she tucked the blankets around him.

"Are you leaving Mommy?" he asked while she did.

She shook her head. "No, sweets. It's late and I'm really tired too. I'm getting in bed with you."

She finished with his blankets and then moved around to the other side of the bed – Will's usual side – and pulled back the covers and got in next to him, switching off the final light on the bedside table. Even with the room now darkened, though, she could feel Noah looking at her – the whites of his eyes still visible. She leaned over and put a small kiss on his one cheekbone.

"Try to sleep, sweets," she told him. "It will help your head."

She tried to settle down into the mattress. But it felt so strange to sleeping in the house without Will there. It felt even stranger with the whipping winds and the rain outside.

The storm had definitely picked up at that point. The clatter of branches being thrown off trees – garbage and other items that had been left unsecured flying around – was becoming more apparent. The wind was blowing through the gaps between the rows of brownstones and up the streets like wind tunnels and the rain was pelting against the windows.

There wasn't too much to see out the windows now, though. Not as darkness had settled over the city. But with the bluish cast of the streetlights – looking down into the gardens of the houses around her – it was still apparent that Sandy was now making her presence known.

She'd received her last message from Will around 8:40 p.m. She'd tried calling him a couple times since then but she hadn't been able to connect to his phone. She hoped the cell coverage was just spotty as the storm was overhead. So she'd tried May and Ted's landline instead. That line just rang and rang. Then she had to hope that things weren't that bad and the two of them had gone to some buddy of Ted's to sit at a better vantage point and to watch the storm roll in while drinking some beers. Or at least what she was trying to convince herself – after May had weakly suggested that as a likely scenario. Either way, she didn't like not being able to reach her husband.

Her and Will had long had a policy – even since just a few months after being friends – that they touched base at the end of the day before one of them was headed to bed. If they were both at home – it would've been a bit longer call with some chit-chat, sometimes resulting with Will ending up on her sofa watching television with her rather than going to bed. But even on the nights where she was out in the field, he'd still call or text. Then it was usually just a, "I'm headed to bed." And she'd tell him, "Night." But he'd always then ask, "Everything's good?" And she'd always tell him, "Yep. Fine" - even when it wasn't. Even when she'd stepped back from a crime scene for 30 seconds to take his call. Even when she was standing in the hospital waiting to talk to a victim. But knowing that there was that touchstone at the end of each night counted for something. Knowing that someone cared enough to check in on her.

In the past year it would sometimes be her calling him if he'd taught an evening lecture and wasn't leaving campus until 9 p.m. or later. With Noah sick, there'd been more nights where she'd been exhausted enough, she'd be the first to crawl into bed - a change for them in their relationship. So she'd call him and they'd do their same little 30-second dance of good night.

She'd come to expect it and know it - and almost need it - as part of her bedtime routine. She wasn't sure she was going to be able to sleep without hearing his voice before closing her eyes – for the first time in almost four years. Not knowing where he was or how he was doing or what he was doing was only making it worse.

Noah cuddled up against her and she lifted her arm to wrap it around him, as his head pressed against her chest, pushing the cold pack into her breast. Olivia bent her neck down and again placed her lips on the top of his head before reaching with her free hand and shaping the soft pack so that it was still molding to his temples in the hopes that it would provide him some relief as the drugs lulled him to sleep.

"It's loud Mom," he told her, shaping his body more to hers, his kicking and flailing little legs and feet tangling around her thighs and knees.

She rubbed at his side and down his legs a bit in an effort to calm and still him.

Noah rarely slept restfully. On the nights he ended on in their bed, or she ended up soothing him to sleep to the point that she fell asleep next to him in his own bed, she was always liable to come out of the ordeal with some bruises. Even the drugs didn't put him into a coma-like stupor when he slept. She almost preferred his restlessness, though. It was a sign that he was still alive – above and beyond his shallow, sleep breathing.

Olivia found it more frightening when he was so still and she had to really watch for that rise and fall in his chest. Sometimes she even had to hold her hand just above his mouth or nose to try to feel the air still passing through his lungs.

She wondered, though, what his sleep and chemo-drugged brain was processing to cause him to flail so. If it was his body fighting against what was going on it – fighting against death and demanding the cancer out so he continued to live. If the drugs were creating hallucinations that haunted him. If everything they heard from the doctors – everything he had endured so far – was being processed by his subconscious mind and causing his body to react so violently. Or if it was nerve-endings alive and on fire, twitching and flailing through the night at the hand of the medications that were pulsing through his system.

Olivia worried about him – in so many ways. The counselors and social workers had told her that it was normal for childhood cancer survivors to develop post-traumatic stress. Sometimes in the way he flailed in his sleep – or the occasional glean he'd get in his eyes while they were at the hospital – she could see it taking root. Sometimes it felt like it had more than taken root – it was already there. She could see bits of herself in it. She could see bits of the rape and abuse survivors she dealt with every day at work in it. She so didn't want that for her child – for him to survive cancer but to then be haunted by the trauma and the stress of it for life. Those little pieces missing of him. Those triggers sending his mind places he should have never had to go in the first place. She hated it.

"It's just the wind and rain, sweets," she assured him. "It's just the storm."

"Is it raining at Nana and Popa's?" he asked quietly, starting to still a bit.

"Mmm," she nodded. "Likely."

"But Daddy's sleeping, right?"

She smiled against his head a bit and rubbed at his shoulder. "Likely, sweets. Daddy can sleep through anything."

Sometimes Will's ability to close his eyes and claim sleep – no matter the situation – made her a little jealous. She wished she had that ability. But she'd never been quite as good as it as Will seemed to be.

"So he's not scared, right?"

She pulled Noah up her a bit, more to her shoulder, getting the cold pack away from her breast and in a place on her skin that wasn't quite as sensitive. But really she just wanted her child a bit closer to her – so she could rest her cheek against the top of his head. So she could bend and press her lips against him more easily – to feel him there and to feel his body slowly drift off, she hoped taking the headache with it.

"I don't think Daddy's scared," she told her son. "It's just some wind and rain."

"It's a hurricane Mom," Noah clarified for her.

She smiled into the top of his head again. He sounded like Will. Sometimes she found it a little ridiculous how much of Will there actually was in Noah. Her husband had certainly found ways beyond biology to inject himself into the little boy. Noah might be hers but he was also Daddy's boy in so many ways. Especially with him getting a bit older now, she saw more and more how her son tried to mirror Will. She'd see Noah watching him – looking to him – for how he was supposed to act, dress, talk, play. No one was cooler than Daddy on most days.

She wondered if that was strange for Will after so many years of feeling a bit like the geek and the outcast – to now be idolized by this little human being. She supposed he would've had some exposure to it as his work got acknowledged and he became a bit of a rock star in his field – as geeky as it was. She knew he was popular in his department and that students – not just the boys who'd grown up being teased too – but young women fawned over him.

She tried not to get too worked up about that. If she was 18 through 25 and had a prof or academic supervisor or advisor who looked like Will, she likely would've fawned too. She knew she did with some of the profs in her mother's department back when she was a teen. There was just something about professors. It was a little funny when she stopped and thought about it and realized after all the years of dating and men – she'd ended up with a professor anyways.

She wondered if her mother would've found that appalling or a little funny. Olivia thought it was a little funny. She'd originally chased after the TAs and young profs half-ways to piss her mother off. As an adult, she wasn't sure she expected to actually end up with an academic. Or at least not one who didn't work in the arts some how. Will, though, had repeatedly informed her that his work was art. She wasn't sure she quite believed that – but she humoured him.

"It's a hurricane," she agreed. "But it doesn't seem that bad."

It didn't. It was loud. But she didn't feel like the city was being completely blown down or engulfed by water like the forecasts had originally seemed to suggest. There'd be some bad thunderstorms that had rolled through in the summer that seemed about as loud as this. This really just seemed windier. She sometimes thought wind was exaggerated in the city, though. There was too much opportunity for the tunnel effect. So she was sort of hoping what she was hearing wasn't necessarily a realistic indicator of what was happening outside. And, she hoped too – AGAIN – that what she was seeing and hearing in the city wasn't that different from what Will was seeing and hearing over in Staten Island. But not being able to talk to him had her spidey sense stirring. Will would like her thinking that, she thought – spidey sense. Too bad it wasn't stirring about something a bit more mundane than the safety of her husband and father-in-law.

"Dad's not a cop, though," Noah offered in further clarification.

She glanced down at him with a questioning look as the wind howled some more and she heard some more clattering down below them – likely patio furniture in a neighbour's garden being rearranged. Still – she glanced at the window again for the moment. But from their vintage, unless she was standing in it and looking down or up the street, there wasn't much to see but new thick, heavy raindrops beating and splattering against the glass. So she looked back to her son.

"No, sweets. Daddy is not a cop," she agreed again, not really sure what he was implying.

"So he doesn't know anything about hurricanes, Mom," he added for her.

She snorted at that and gave him a small smile as the whites of his eyes met hers. "I'm a cop, sweets, and I don't think I know much about hurricanes either."

"You know how to protect people," Noah informed her.

"Mmm," she nodded and rubbed her cheek against the top of his head again. "I do. But, you know, Daddy is very brave. So I think he'll be OK in the storm."

"Not cop brave," Noah said and settled against her.

Olivia rubbed her thumb at her little boy's shoulder. "He might not be cop brave – but Daddy's brave in lots of other ways," she told him. "Sometimes I think he's braver than most cops I know, sweets. Sometimes Daddy is way braver than me. He's a very strong man – and he's so, so, so smart. One of the smartest people I've met in my whole life. So I know he'll be OK in the hurricane – and he's not going to be too scared."

"Because he has Popa to protect him," Noah added, "and Popa's a fireman."

She snorted at that. She wasn't sure how much protection Ted could provide. It wasn't like Ted was anywhere near becoming frail – and she wouldn't dare remind him he was a senior citizen to his face. But there was no way around the fact that Ted was pushing 70 and he wasn't the man he used to be – and if he didn't have May bugging him to take his medication, some of his shakes and symptoms of how his Parkinson's was progressing were more apparent. She knew that even though May seemed to be holding it together – she was likely fearing for her husband as well. But beyond all that, Olivia would give Ted, that he definitely knew how to handle himself in an emergency and had years of experience doing just that. She hoped he wasn't ordering Will around too badly and that her husband didn't come home all prickly because of it.

"I'm sure Popa is taking good care of Daddy and the houses," she allowed softly but her head quickly turned away from her son.

There was a giant WHAP against the window of the room. Her eyes had reached there just in time to see a huge branch make the impact and then fall down and clatter into the garden below them. The rain pelted harder and the wind howled louder – and now she could hear the branch tossing around the small confined space below them with it. She didn't like the idea of something with quite that mass and shape being pushed around by the window down there – not with their large, glass patio doors. She could just imagine the wind catching the branch – or the branch catching one of their patio chairs – and all of it coming crashing into their small dining room, spraying glass everywhere and opening the space to the rain and wind.

The sound had caused Noah to push himself against her even more firmly. She could feel the small tremble in his body and the change in his heartbeat, which always felt so close to the top of his skin and nearly pounding out of his chest anymore. She rubbed his back a couple times but then adjusted him – moving him so she could get out of bed.

"I just want to take a look, Noah," she told him, as her feet hit their soft throw on the floor.

"Mommy," he whined at her and looked at her with big eyes, the cold pack slipping down over his face again.

"I'll be right back," she told him, as she padded over to the window – over on his … her usual … side of the bed.

She put her knee on the little reading bench at the window as she leaned into it to look down into the garden to get an idea of what the branch was doing down there. But she'd barely managed to glance down there when something else beat against the window with an intensity she could feel with her face that close to the glass. The sound and the impact of it made her start a bit – and she pulled herself back. It had happened so quickly that she wasn't even entirely sure what it had been that had hit the window that time – but she could her it clattering down in the confined garden now too and it sounded more metallic.

"Mommy," Noah whined at her again.

"Shh, shh," she told him and turned back to him, taking the couple steps to reach him and putting another kiss against his cheek. "Stay here," she said firmly. "I'm just going downstairs to see what blew into the garden and to check on Nana. I'll be right back."

"Mommy," he said a little more panicked.

She shook her head and ran her thumb down his cheek. "It's just wind, Noah," she assured him – though she was really starting to feel like this was more than just wind. "Lay back down."

Something else hit the window and she turned to glance at it again. But now she felt her spidey sense – what she'd normally call her cop instincts – running up her spine. She looked back to Noah, though, as he settled back into the mattress but still gazed at her with big eyes.

"Scoot over to Daddy's side of the bed," she told him – wanting to get him further away from the window.

He gazed at her again – but listened, adjusting his butt and body to the side she'd just warmed up for him. She gave him a small smile and pressed the cold pack into his forehead again.

"I'm going to put the comforter up over your head while I'm downstairs, Noah, OK?" she said. She didn't like the things beating against the window. She didn't want to take any risks – not until she went and saw exactly what was hitting the glass and she knew how much she should be worrying about something possibly breaking through. "I'm only going to be a couple minutes and then I'll be right back, OK?"

"Mommy," he said with a bit weaker whine.

She shook her head. "Daddy and Popa are being so brave on Staten Island – so we can be brave here, right?"

Noah gave her a weak nod and she gave him a small smile and then leaning forward she gave him a small kiss and then pulled the comforter up and over his head, taking his scared eyes out of her view. It broke her heart a bit – but she knew she'd be faster if he wasn't with her – and she didn't want him there if she did have to go into the garden and try to clear or tie down whatever had landed in it.

"I'll be right back," she assured him again, giving him a pat on the stomach and then heading for the stairs.

She hadn't even reached the bottom when she saw May coming out of Noah's room. She looked at the older woman – she still seemed fairly composed but clearly something had shaken her enough to exit the bedroom as well.

"Everything OK?" Olivia asked as she got to the main level and her now mother-in-law gazed at her, wrapping her housecoat around herself a bit more tightly.

"Some things on the street are hitting the window," May told her. "I think bits of that scaffolding your neighbours have up for their renovations are flying around."

Olivia gave her a bit of a questioning look. That set-up was nearly half-a-block down from them. For the wind to pull up pieces of that and then toss it that far down the street, it must be whipping at a greater clip than she imagined.

"Branches are hitting the upstairs window," Olivia added. "I think we have some new additions in the garden. I was just going to take a look."

"I had wanted to take a peek out the front door too, if that's alright," May said.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah," she agreed. She'd be curious to check out May's assessment – so she padded into their foyer with the woman following after her.

Olivia flipped the deadbolt and pulled open the door – and the actual intensity of the storm hit her before it was even open all the way, the rain nearly coming in sideways and spraying them.

"Jesus," Olivia said and then bit her tongue, realizing May was standing next to her and out of any swearing, the woman got the most uptight about using the Lord's name in vain. Ironically, those 'swear' words were the ones that Olivia was most lax about.

The rain pelted at them as they both gazed out into the street. The wind was whipping so much Olivia thought it might take both of them to really get the door to close properly as it pushed into the apartment.

It looked like May was likely right about the scaffolding for the renovations up the street taking a beating. Even from where they were standing, it was apparent that some wood or metal – or some part of the structure – had been turned upside down and was now dangling off the end of the frame. It was likely only a matter of time before the wind caught it the right way and sent it clattering to the ground and then likely pushed it down the street too. Anything that had been left on that level – even if it had originally been secured – was now likely flying all over the streets of the Upper West Side.

Looking to the east, Olivia thought she could see one of the trees on their leafy street overturned. Actually, what was more catching her attention was the dark mass at the foot of it – that was hard to make out in the dark, but she was fairly certain that it was the roots having pulled up the concrete and sidewalk around them in the tumble. It also looked like there may be a car under the branches.

She tried to gaze west, up towards Noah's school. She could barely see about a block or so up the street and then it looked like at least the power feeding the streetlights had been knocked out. It was like gazing into a dark tunnel. She could barely make out a thing.

She sighed and shook her head at it. But the tree adjacent to their entrance started to creak and sway more in the wind.

"I think we should go back inside, dear," May said, landing a hand on her shoulder.

Olivia nodded and the other woman helped her push the door against the whipping wind and back into place – as she again bolted and locked it.

"I hope everything is OK over there," Olivia said quietly as it shut.

It was looking a bit more storm ravaged in the Upper West Side than she expected. That might be an over-exaggeration, she knew. But a typical storm that blew through the city didn't take out trees, cars and scaffolding.

May's hand returned to her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Oh, I'm sure they're fine," she assured her.

Olivia gave her a weak smile. "I haven't heard from Will since around 8:30," she said. "That's not like him."

"Ted's just likely got him busy," May said, "The cell reception will be better when the storm gets over us."

"They weren't picking up at the house either," Olivia said. It was a repeated conversation and repeated assurances – but she felt like she was needing them at the moment.

"Oh, I wouldn't be surprised if Ted and him have gone over to Rocco's. He has that sunroom up in the top of their house. They'd be able to watch the storm real good from up there. They're probably being boys - drinking beers and howling with the wind. I wouldn't worry about it," May said.

Olivia wasn't sure how much conviction the woman had in her reassurances. She wasn't even sure they were realistic possibilities. But at least they were alternatives to the worst-case scenarios that were starting to run through Olivia's head. So she gave a small nod and then padded further into the house – reaching the living room and switching on the television.

They still had power there clearly – at least for the moment. With the extent of the wind and with how things were falling down and blowing around – she wouldn't be surprised with if a chunk of the city ended up getting knocked off the grid by morning. She wondered how long it would take them to get that back up.

She flipped through some of the channels – trying to find a local news station that might still be running something about the storm. But it was after midnight at that point and they'd missed the local news. It also looked like some of the local stations might've been knocked offline. She hoped they got that fixed quickly. Though, she supposed that the internet would be just as helpful – and faster – in getting information about the storm than waiting for the newscasters to provide it.

So she tossed the remote onto the couch and moved over to the dining room – flipping on the switch to light up the garden as she went.

There was a giant branch – it nearly looked like a quarter of a tree – in the space, now tangled with their patio chairs and lounger. Olivia was really regretting she hadn't brought those in now. But they didn't really have any place to put them. She hoped Will's bike was OK. He'd be upset if his racing bicycle was damaged. At least it was against the one wall and covered in a tarp. Hopefully that was enough to provide some protection.

As she looked at the mess – and came to the realization that there really wasn't much she was going to be able to do about it at that point – she spotted what looked almost like a street sign mixed in with the rest of the debris.

Her head spun around, though, as there was another clatter and crash against the front of the apartment – likely at Noah's bedroom window. May stood with her looking in that direction – both of them quiet and staring, though there was nothing to see from where they stood.

Olivia could feel her mind churning. There was a helplessness to it. She knew it was just a storm – a loud storm full of wind and rain. That it was leaving some minor damage in its weak. That there'd be some annoyances in the clean-up and likely some residences and businesses putting in insurance claims. But it was just a storm. That's what she was telling herself. But she'd feel a lot better telling herself that if she could reach Will and he could assure her that it looked like just a bad storm over there too.

Another clatter hit behind them now. Olivia knew debris had again hit the upstairs bedroom window and then scrapped down the brick wall to land in the garden with the rest of the growing collection.

May looked at her. "I think, dear, that maybe it might be a good idea if we all moved to the basement."

"Yeah," she agreed – not even really realizing it was coming out of her mouth and almost surprised that she was agreeing with May. "I think that might be a good idea."


	219. Chapter 219

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was gazing with some disbelief at the massive trees downed in Theodore Roosevelt Park. It was a park area that they often let Noah run some of his sillies out before or after they went into the American Museum of Natural History. But at the moment it looked like … well, a hurricane had gone through it.

Some of the trees literally looked like the winds had seen them as little more than toothpicks – snapping their trunks and leaving the greenery that had likely spent generations growing sprawled all over the pathways and sidewalk. Police tape had been strung up to try to keep the gawkers and photographers from getting too close to the trees' debris. But it really just made the scene that much more surreal to her.

In their loop since leaving the brownstone, they'd already passed entrances to Central Park that were still cordoned off from the public. It was clear that some people had ignored that warning and ventured in to take a look anyways. Olivia could see all she needed to know from the blockade ropes – trees and shrubbery were down in there too.

Leaves and debris and garbage blown everywhere. It'd likely take weeks – if not months to clean up. Who knows what the wind had stirred up or the moved greenery would reveal in there too. She suspected the NYPD might be making some visits there as well and they'd be closing some missing persons cases. She wasn't about to verbalize that to her son or May, though. She might've made a comment at Will if he'd been there and he'd have given her those sad eyes – understanding but concerned about what her job was and what she saw on it.

It wasn't just the park and trees that had taken a hit, though. That was clear. They'd passed 81st Street subway entrance on their walk and it'd still been roped off too. Noah had stood looking down the still darkened steps like some sort of monster must be lurking in there for the city to have it closed. But really it wasn't just the closures that were striking.

Since leaving the apartment – an effort to avoid the stir-crazies that were beginning to set in as she still fretted about not having heard from Will and having only what they could see from their windows to determine the extent of the storm – they'd seen definite indications that Will had been right, the storm was a big deal. She'd been the one downplaying it. It hadn't been him who'd been over-reacting.

There was visible damage on their street alone. The scaffolding, that had been rattling and flying around so much the night before that it had caused the three of them to see refuge in the small basement playroom, looked nearly torn down. Parts of the structure were just hanging off it. It was clear that anything that had been left sitting on the platforms was long gone. Olivia wouldn't be surprised if they'd blown across the Upper West Side and were now caught somewhere in Central Park – if not further east.

Some of the apartments along the brownstone-lined street had clearly caught either some of the scaffolding's debris or other items that had been picked up by the wind. She saw shattered and cracked windows. Some families had already taped cardboard over the holes until they could be repaired. Others looked like maybe the residents hadn't been there or hadn't had anything to try to block the spray of rain – and the gaping glass remained. It made her feel better about the decision to move away from the windows and into the basement to sleep the night before. Not that she thought she'd actually slept. She'd spent much of the night listening to the storm and the couple times she had drifted off, she'd startled awake.

As they'd walked down the street, they'd had to skirt around two trees on their usually leafy street – one of the reasons that her and Will had favored it when they committed to their rental – had been pulled up right at their roots. The concrete surrounding them had been tossed up too – sitting at jagged angles and crumbling above the ground. One of the trees had tumbled right onto a parked car – pinning it and crushing it in a way that its windshield had cracked and likely left the vehicle open to water damage. It'd probably be a write-off by the time its owner did get it out – after the city came and removed the tree.

She'd initially thought about wandering farther west – to see where the river had crested and allowing them to pass Noah's school and their go-to play-spot at the Tecumseh Playground. But even the quick scan of the damage from their stoop told her that might not be a good idea. If there was damage, it might be too traumatizing for Noah. He was already gripping at her hand tightly and before they'd even gone down the steps to the sidewalk. She was really questioning if May's suggested walk was the best idea.

Noah was fragile. He hadn't yet complained about his headache that morning – and Olivia hadn't even asked for fear of reminding him that he'd had one the day before and causing the cries to began again. But even though the cries about the headache had dimmed, his demands to know where Will was and when he was coming home -and if he was OK - were getting more and more frequent and more and more anxious. She was lucky if she could get through 30 minutes without Noah asking her again. But she had nothing to tell him and she kept on making up excuses and little white lies and assurances she wasn't sure she even believed. It was just making her more anxious about the whole thing too.

It'd been nearly 16 hours since she'd had any form of communication from Will. It'd been closer to 24 hours since she'd last heard his voice. That was a long time. She thought it was likely the longest she'd ever gone without hearing his voice – at least over the phone – in at least three years, maybe longer. It was only increasing her anxiety even more – her worry about him, and about Ted and about the property and about what the hell was going on in Staten Island or even the rest of the city. But mostly about Will.

She knew if he could, he'd be in touch with her. He wouldn't make her worry. He hated when she didn't touch base with him. He wouldn't do that to her. He was better about that sort of thing than her. Much better. So things had to be bad for him to have no called or texted or … something. Anything. Sent up a smoke signal?

The whole situation wasn't helped in that she literally did feel for about the first time in her life that Manhattan actually was an island – and they were pretty much floating and operating on it alone.

She thought they were likely lucky that they still had power. She was thankful they did. But their cable seemed to be out – and that meant their internet was down too. Her cell-phone didn't seem have any bars about 90 per cent of the time she kept on obsessively picking it up and checking to see if the reception had improved or if she'd missed a call or text from Will while it was down. She hadn't – or so it seemed. She doubted messages could even get through while her phone was down. She should know how that worked – remember how that worked – from all the times they'd tracked cell-phones, and how signals bounced off towers and those months in Computer Crimes. But she just seemed to be drawing a blank.

Will likely couldn't even get a hold of her if he wanted to and she certainly seemed to not be able to get a hold of him. With the lack of reception, she couldn't even access information online. She was near literally operating in an informational black hole. A newspaper – unsurprisingly – hadn't even arrived on their stoop. She really had no way of determining what was happening elsewhere in the city. She could hardly even tell what was happening in her own neighborhood beyond what she was seeing outside their windows.

The walk, though, wasn't really proving to be that reassuring about the status of the rest of New York. Their street was a little eerily quiet. At that time of day, there would usually be a steady stream of parents walking their kids up to the school or professionals headed the opposite direction to catch the subway or bus. But there was none of that. It didn't even seem like many people on their street were venturing out yet to check the damage.

The true extent of the viciousness of the wind, though, hadn't become apparent until they got up to Columbus Avenue and then skirted around 77th St and wandered up Central Park West. Even the steady flow of taxis along Columbus hadn't appeared yet that morning, though people were more visible. A usually long-ago forgotten payphone on one street corner had a line twelve people deep waiting to use it. It seemed she wasn't the only one wishing that her and Will had splurged to get a landline for just these kinds of emergencies, that with her being in law enforcement she likely should've considered. Ted and May clearly had. Or more likely they just hadn't full converted to cell-phones and probably never would. But it wasn't like they were having any luck reaching them on the landline either.

The debris along Columbus seemed much more apparent than on their residential street. Leaves were all over the place, along with branches of all sorts of sizes. Trash that hadn't been collected ahead of the storm was scattered, littering the street of a usually rather cleansed-looking touristy area of the city. But maybe the most jarring sight to be seen was the storefronts that had had their awnings or signs clean ripped away. Some of them hung off the buildings. Others were long gone – landing who knows where.

A few of the stores seemed to have caught debris and also had shattered glass from broken windows. Some employees and owners could be seen working at putting up wood and checking to make sure that it was just storm-damage and not looting that their business had endured. Sandwich-boards and other displays and structures that hadn't been bolted down or taken inside were along the street – some of them having impacted with lamp-posts, garbage cans or trees and continued to be whipped around so much they were now hugging the structures, cracked and broken. Even traffic lights look twisted from the sheer power of the wind.

The limited vehicle traffic Olivia was seeing was dominated by police cruisers and other emergency vehicles. She could make out the faint wail of sirens both in the direction of Riverside Drive and Columbus Circle.

She couldn't help but think that they weren't even in an evacuation zone. It made her worry more about what things looked like on Staten Island – and for Will's safety, and Ted's. Their homes were right on the border of a Zone B evacuation area – there'd been a moderate likelihood that there'd be storm damage and flooding there. But if this was what a safe zone looked like – she didn't want to imagine what a Zone B looked like … let alone Zone A.

"Are the animals OK, Mommy?" Noah asked in a small and timid voice.

She looked at him, initially not understanding what he was asking. He looked so small in the city when contrasted against the vacant streets and the big fallen trees – his hood of his rain coat pulled up against the still spitting rain and the grey, damp streets and air. He seemed almost in a trance but she could feel the shake in his body from where he was gripping at her hand. His voice seemed to tremble as well in his question.

She looked back at the trees and then glanced at the museum realizing he was asking about the habitat dioramas. The building itself looked like it had survived the storm – but it definitely wasn't open. She wasn't sure if they'd open until the city got around to cleaning up the trees from the park that surrounded it.

"I'm sure they're fine, Noah," she offered.

"What about the meteorites, Mommy?" he asked.

She gave him a small smile. "I'm sure they're fine too."

"Daddy will be sad if the meteorites are broken," he offered.

She swung his hand a bit in hers and gave him a reassuring look. "I think everything inside the museum is OK, sweets. I think it's just the trees that got hurt."

"Are they dead?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, sweets."

"But they were big," he said.

She nodded again. "I know, Noah. It's really sad."

That much damage to trees – she could only imagine what other damage there was elsewhere in the city. She actually didn't really want to imagine it.

"Got bars," someone in the small – but growing – crowd of onlookers in front of the park and museum called out.

Olivia glanced his way and then watched and near everyone around her grabbed for their cell-phones and held them slightly in the air, checking their own reception, and then pulling them back and clutching at them like they were some sort of prized possession and their only tether in a now disconnected world.

Olivia didn't think the reception was going to hold out too long if the same scene was taking place around the neighborhood. The tower trying to manage their load would become even more overburdened than it was and most of the callers would likely be dropped. But that didn't stop her from digging into her own pocket and pulling out her phone to check as well. There was still no sign that Will had been trying to reach her – but she had bars too.

"May – check your phone," she called over to the woman who'd wandered a bit closer to the police line than Olivia had been willing to take Noah. It didn't look like the tree had completely settled in place to her and she didn't want to risk getting any closer to it.

May had been rather quiet on their walk – unusual for the woman, who Olivia was used to hearing near endless prattle from. Instead she'd seemed lost in her own thoughts and glancing around at the damage on the Upper West Side. Olivia imagined she had similar thoughts running through her head. But it was likely worse for May. She had property over there. Her husband was older and had health issues. The potential for devastating damage or injury likely seemed much more stark. But, if anything, May had been more than holding it together. She'd even been offering some quiet comforting to her and Noah. It wasn't exactly what Olivia had expected from the woman. She usually seemed so hyped up about everything. A tizzy of energy.

Olivia kept eyes on May long enough to see her rummage for her own cell in her purse. It was an old flip-phone. Olivia didn't think she'd be able to manage much more than that. She actually wasn't entirely sure if May even knew how to use it as it was. But at least she was checking for reception (if she knew what that meant and how to do it, as well), so Olivia shifted her own attention to dialing Will's number. It quickly became apparent that wasn't going to work. She again tried the landline at the house instead but still nothing.

She sighed and sent Will a text instead – hoping that might make it through. She flipped over to her browser as she waited for the possibility he might respond and give them an indication that they were both OK.

"My God," she whispered quietly, as she stared at her news landing page.

It was clear that news about the storm was fairly rapidly starting to trickle in at that point. Though, it looked like some of New York's major news sites had been knocked down in the storm too. So she was bouncing around some of the alternative media and sites from different cities and major wire services that were reporting the story. Still, it quickly became apparent that Sandy had been a big deal for the city.

"What is it?" May asked coming closer to her.

Olivia glanced up at her and shook her head. "The news. Pictures. We were pretty hard hit."

It looked like Lower Manhattan was underwater – literally. She was seeing pictures of the tunnel looking flooded. Bowling Green with water washing over it. Some lines in the news stories were making it sound like the ferry terminal to Staten Island was underwater. A report about a fire in Queens made her mind suddenly drift to Elliot and his family. She'd been so focused on what was happening with Will she hadn't even thought about him. That made her feel a little guilty. What had he done with Kathy and the kids for the storm? Did he have time to do anything to prepare after he'd spent so much of the lead up to the hurricane helping them ready for the wedding?

She wondered then too how the rest of the guys were doing? If they were on the ground now dealing with the state of emergency in the city and the closures and the gawkers and the accidents and God knows what else? These kinds of situations had the tendency to bring out the best and the worse in people. It'd be long days ahead.

Based on the descriptions of where the damage was it sounded like the precinct likely experienced some flooding too. Millions of people were without power. Transit was down. Stations literally needed to be pumped out. She saw mentions of communities along the Jersey Shore being near decimated and references to damages in Brooklyn. Pictures of floating rollercoaster tracks, washed away boats, grounded freighters, refrigerators on beaches, flotsam across major roadways, cars trapped under trees and in washed out mud and sand. LaGuardia was flooded and flights weren't going out or coming in.

Reports of deaths were starting to roll in too. Initial glance showed six in the city. That was enough loss - but she suspected that number would rise based on the pictures and descriptions she was seeing. But she was seeing near no reference to what had happened on Staten Island. Some communities had been hard hit there in Irene – there must be damage over there with Sandy too now. She wanted to get some glimpse of how her husband was doing – what he was seeing.

She wished she'd listened more to the tech guys when they came into the squad and babbled at them about Twitter and Facebook and other social media. She bet people were posting things there that she could glean some information from. John was good at those sorts of things. Where was Unkie Munchie when she actually needed him - and actually wanted to her his annoying commentary about Big Brother?

"I don't see much about Staten Island," Olivia mumbled, still flicking around on her phone.

"Then I don't want to see or know, right now," May said with some forcefulness. "I think we should head back to the house. That way Ted and William will know where we are if they need to get to us. The other boys too."

Olivia looked at her and allowed a small nod. Part of her wanted to stay standing there looking through as much of the news and as many of the pictures as she could – collecting all the information she could while there was reception available. But, at the same time, she felt her anxiety levels, blood pressure, and worry rising even more with each read word and gazed at picture.

It was bad – and she still didn't know how bad it was where Will was. She wanted him back. But, maybe May had a point. Maybe being at the house where they could find them was the best bet. Maybe from there she might be able to reach one of the guys or the Captain too.

She was actually starting to consider making the rather lengthy walk down to the precinct to see who she could find around there. Surely they'd have more eyes and ears on the ground to give her a more realistic perspective of what was happening in the city – and specifically, what was going on over on Staten Island. Maybe they'd even be able to have someone in the area swing by and check on Will and Ted.

But that would likely have to wait until later. She thought that Noah was likely at the point he was ready to head home too. He definitely wasn't up to that long of walk and she didn't want to potentially upset him more. Some children around them seemed fascinated by the storm damage. Noah didn't. He just seemed as scared and anxious as her. But he was likely feeding off her too. That wasn't helping.

They walked in silence for the most part. May seemed almost stoic in their march back towards the brownstone. She had her arms huddled around her a bit. There was a certain air of authority and tranquility around her despite the obvious tension that showed in her rigid posture. Olivia found herself wondering if that's what the spouses of first responders were supposed to look like?. Quiet confidence that everything would be fine while running an interior monologue that everything could be going to hell? Assurance and fear colliding in one. She wondered if that's what Will looked like too on the nights she got called in and left him alone in the house with their small son? If that's what he looked like while she'd been lying incapacitated at the hospital and fighting for her life following the shooting?

"I just want to stop in here quickly," Olivia said as they reached the coffee shop on the corner before heading down the final stretch to their home. "Get a tea or something. Would you like a hot drink?"

She knew that they probably didn't really need to stop. There was lots at the apartment and when they'd left they'd had power and water. But Olivia still sort of felt that they had better reception on the phones up on Columbus Avenue, if Will and Ted were trying to reach them. Stopping would give them a bit more time – a bigger window – to maybe connect with each other. And, more then that, it was their coffee shop – hers and Will's … and Noah's. Stopping seemed like some small way to maybe reassure herself that everything was OK and would be back to normal soon.

She half-ways expected May to protest the stop and to remind her about all the leftovers and reserves they had at the apartment. But instead, she gave a slight nod.

"That sounds like a good idea," May allowed. "It's a chill to the bones out here."

Olivia gave her a slight smile for her being amendable to the idea and headed towards the door.

"Will likes stopping in here on the way to work," she babbled.

She wasn't even really sure why. She usually was so reserved when it came to May and disclosing too much about her and Will's personal lives – even something as mundane as where he got his coffee. But she was at the point where she felt like she needed to talk – after everything she'd seen that morning. She needed the distraction. And, she thought that maybe if she was talking about Will his ears would start burning and he'd figure out a way to get his voice to her at least.

"He's in here so much the morning barista just knows what he wants," she added as she reached for the door, holding it open to May and her son.

"Will has always known what he wants," May said, seemingly passingly as she walked by here. "He usually ends up getting it."

Olivia eyed her for a moment. Despite its passing nature it was clear that it was a pointed statement. Will's mother had undoubtedly been aware that Will had decided rather quickly that he was permanently going to be part of her and Noah's lives. It was her who'd taken her sweet time in letting that become everything it really could be.

It seemed like May had been dropping lots of little ominous comments since returning to the Upper West Side with them. Olivia had just ignored most of them – had literally pretended not to hear them. But this one struck her. Still, she couldn't bring herself to react. She did, though, look down and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear before coming the rest of the way into the shop and letting the door fall closed behind her.

But in the shop now, she quickly realized that the coffee and tea break might not be the brightest idea. The place was packed and they were well back in what looked more like a mob than a clearly defined line.

Olivia supposed, though, the popularity of the place wasn't that surprising. It'd been clear on their walk that a lot of businesses hadn't opened up for the day. It was apparent that some had sustained damage. Others likely didn't have power or water. Then some owners and staff were probably dealing with bigger problems on their home-front and had decided to keep the hatches battened down for another day until some of the chaos of Sandy died out more. She was sure too that with there being a limited number of shops open, people were streaming into what they could find. Someplace to warm up after a wander through the wet-and-grey that permeated outside. Others likely didn't have heat or water or power in their homes and were just trying to get something hot into them and maybe something to eat. They probably didn't mind getting to stand in line for an extended period - more time to warm up.

Still, Olivia glanced at May – measuring if she was annoyed by the long wait. She didn't seem to be, though. She'd settled into the space she'd claimed and seemed to be taking in the area. If she was measuring it as a glimpse into Will's mornings or their family's treat after a weekend walk habits – she likely wasn't getting a very good example. Even striping away the crowd, there was something about the place that seemed a little more dark, run-down and pessimistic than the usual warm-and-welcoming family environment that beyond its convenient location had made it a favorite spot for the three of them.

But since May seemed fine, she glanced at Noah to see if he was up to managing the wait and the crowd. He seemed to be shivering. She couldn't tell if it was from the wet chill outside or his growing nerves and anxiety. She wrapped her arm around him and brought his head closer to her hip, rubbing at his ear and cheek, and then rubbing down his bicep in an effort to give him some warmth and to still him.

"Would you like a cocoa or maybe peach or raspberry tea, sweets?" she offered.

He just gazed up at her and then whined, "My tummy's going to take flight."

She gave him a weak smile at that – even though it really wasn't funny. But it was Will again. Will had tried to teach him the saying about butterflies in the stomach at some point. But it had somehow morphed into her son's stomach going to take flight. It'd become a near stand-by statement for when he was nervous and sometimes just before he was about to puke too. But considering she'd given him a pain narcotic the night before, she wasn't surprised he felt off. It was likely contributing to how tranced he seemed too. She knew from her own foray into pain medication that they may ease the pain but they certainly fucked with the rest of your body and mind in the fall-out.

She squeezed his shoulder again. "You need something, sweets," she told him a little more firmly, though keeping her voice soft. He hadn't eaten anything at breakfast either. She'd barely gotten him to sip through a glass of water. "It will make you feel better. How about we try a peppermint tea for your tummy?"

He looked at her again with big eyes. "Daddy likes peppermint tea," he informed her.

She gave him another small smile – this one a little weaker and sadder. "He does," she agreed.

"Daddy buys me a Gypsy cookie here, Mommy. Always."

She wasn't sure if that was a statement or a request. Either way, she tried to glance around the throngs of people to case that usually displayed their rather health-conscious baked goods – another point for Will's frequent visits to the shop. Because apparently the regular eating of cookies was OK as long as they were jam-packed with organic rolled oats, spelt, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, chia seeds, shredded coconut, dried cranberries, cinnamon, molasses and almond milk.

Olivia had to admit that she'd never been much for cookies until Will started introducing her to the hippie-sticks-and-twigs concoctions at some of his health-nut haunts. Now it was likely that she would order a Gypsy cookie for herself too just so she didn't have to share with the boys. Though, the reality was that one was so dense and full of healthy oils and proteins that it was usually enough to feed all three of them. It was a meal unto itself.

But it didn't look like there'd be Gypsy cookies for any of them that day. The glass display looked empty. She wasn't sure if that was because of the influx of traffic coming into the shop – or they hadn't bothered with their baking during the storm. It was clear, though, that just a limited variety of hot beverages was what was on that menu that day.

"I don't think they have cookies today, sweets," she told Noah.

"Why?" he wringed harder.

"I guess they're all sold out, Noah," she said.

"But Daddy ALWAYS lets me get a cookie," he stressed at her.

She let out a small sigh and looked at him. "I know, sweets. But there's no cookies today. So you'll have to come back with Daddy later and see if they have some then."

His eyes got bigger. "Is Daddy meeting us here?"

She looked up realizing her mistaken word choice. "No, Noah. Daddy's still at Nana and Popa's. He'll bring you to check for cookies when he get home."

"When's he coming home?" Noah demanded.

She shook her head and gave a little shrug. "Soon," she allowed.

"Mommy – you said he'd come home when the storm was done. The storm is done. WHERE IS DADDY?"

She squeezed his hand a bit and gave him a bit sterner eyes. "Indoor voice," she said quietly and he squinted at her but she thought it was more to hold in tears than out of anger at her. "Daddy's going to be home as soon as he can," she told her son. "He's helping Popa right now. When he's done helping Popa – he'll come home."

Noah just gazed her with some disbelief but he fell quiet so she did too. That only lasted for so long though and she found herself letting out a sigh and looking to May.

"When do you think we'll be able to get in touch with them?" she asked quietly, though she knew that Noah could still likely hear and was near absolutely listening.

She knew that May probably had no idea either. That anything she told her – or was able to tell Noah – would be just as much weak reassurances based on hope rather than fact. Still, she felt like May was more accustom to dealing with this kind of situation – missing her husband … worrying. Olivia didn't usually have to sit on this side of it. She was realizing that it was her who left Will in this conundrum – likely near daily. She didn't like it. She was almost looking for guidance from the older woman on how to work through the emotions she was experiencing about it all – though, she'd never admit it.

"I don't know, dear," May said with a small shrug. At least that was an honest answer. "It's just likely that the lines are down from all the wind and any flooding. I wouldn't worry too much. I haven't been able to connect with Robert or Thomas either – or the girls and the children. But, at least, we know where everyone is. The telephone companies just need to get their act together. I'm sure everything is fine. Ted is likely barking orders at the entire neighborhood and has all those grills pulled out again from the reception. He'll be preparing to feed the whole block."

Olivia watched her for a moment. There was a worried but wistful smile on May's face. Olivia could tell from her extended answer she was trying to convince herself there was nothing to worry about as much as she was trying to convince her.

"I just … need Will. I need to know he's OK," Olivia stated more to thin air than May. She wasn't entirely sure if she'd even meant to say it out loud – but now it was out there.

May just reached out and patted her hand gently. "They are just fine," she assured again. "You'll be back together soon."


	220. Chapter 220

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia rested her forehead against the glass of the patio door while listening to the voice on the other end of the phone conversation. At least she seemed to be getting OK reception in the house now – that increased her optimism that maybe Will would be able to reach her at some point soon. But the current chatter wasn't really helping that optimism. She should've known better than to expect an optimistic outlook from Munch, though.

"I know you guys are swamped right now," she sighed at a break in his babble. "It's just … it's been almost 24 hours since I've had any form of communication from Will now. It's not about the property – it's about making sure he and Ted are OK."

She'd tried the polite request route. Actually she'd tried it multiple times in messages left on Elliot's and the Captain's voicemail too. John was the first person she'd actually managed to get on the line. He was humoring her but he wasn't offering much help. So now she was shifting to begging. She felt a little pathetic but with the increased reception there'd been increased opportunities for her to browse the news online. She wasn't seeing good things about Staten Island – and with the McTeagues' homes being barely more than a block-and-a-half up from the shoreline, she was only getting more worried the more information she collected.

It wasn't like she was asking John to take a trip over there himself or to reroute their resources. She just wanted him to try and radio someone on SI – to see if they could get in touch with Ted or Will, to see if they'd heard anything about how they were doing, if they'd had any contact with them.

They were fucking McTeagues for God's sake. She went through nearly a year of people pointing out that she was 'dating' a McTeague. People still treated it like she'd married into some sort of dynasty – and that was her sole intention – when they realized Will was that McTeague.

Lots of people in law enforcement and the first responder community treated the family name like it was some sort of royalty. The fucking family seemed to feel like they had some sort of responsibility to the larger community because of the generational commitment to working for the city. But for all of that, their name sure didn't seem to be doing a hell of a lot of good in a state of emergency. They weren't getting any special treatment. That was likely the way Ted would want it. At that point, though, Olivia was about ready to flaunt that she was a McTeague and pull any strings that could be pulled to make that name actually mean something to her – to work for her.

But Munch was stressing that the city was really in a state of emergency and they were boots-to-ground. They weren't even in the precinct. It had been surrounded by about two feet of water and even though the water had receded in the area, the debris were all over the street and the sump-pumps were going to try to salvage the building from even more costly damages. So the detectives were off in a mobile unit while they were keeping everyone one else out and assigned to posts and a growing caseload as much as possible. It didn't sound like that was a problem.

If anything, it sounded like they didn't have enough officers on the streets to respond to the influx of calls based on what John was saying. Keeping gawkers back from the flood zones, closed off transit, debris, damage, fallen trees – basically trying to avoid more people getting hurt. Dealing with people still needing to be evacuated from flooded areas – those who'd refused to leave or waters had come up faster or higher than anticipated. Calls full of panic and anger at the lack of communication and lack of power and lack of water and lack of heat – or regular citizens not able to reach or locate their own family members. Then there were the new crimes being reported as petty criminals and gang-minded individuals took advantage of the chaos and families and couples crumbled under the stress and came to blows or worse.

Olivia could hear the phones ringing, incoming reports dinging and the general chatter and raised voices of barely organized chaos in the background of their call. She knew John wasn't really listening to her and she was finding it near impossible to get him to focus on what she was really saying and asking.

"Yeah," she sighed as he finally offered up something a bit more useful to her. "That's fine. I'd appreciate even if you made one attempt. … No, John, I get you don't have a lot of time and that resources need to be deployed selectively and on a priority basis."

She sort of felt like he was talking down to her. But for fuck's sake –there'd been times when they'd rerouted resources for John's ex wives … and his uncle. For Fin's son. She didn't even want to think about how many times they'd rerouted resources – they'd stuck their necks out – for Elliot's family. How many times she'd put herself and her career on the line for him or for one of his kids. She didn't think she was asking a lot of them to pick up the fucking radio and put out a general call that maybe SOMEONE could check in on her husband. Maybe SOMEONE should check on the infamous Ted McTeague.

But she figured if there wasn't information available now – when Tom and Rob likely would have a lot more resources and influence to get that sort of information – her request probably didn't count for that much. Not in the grand scheme of things. Still, she would've hoped it would've counted for something among the rest of her unit. She'd worked with them for how many years? They'd just attended her fucking wedding. They had to get it on some level – no matter how busy they were.

"Noah's OK," she allowed, as the other detective shifted the conversation. At least it made her feel a bit better to know that the man cared enough about what she was going through right now to ask about her son.

"He had a really bad headache during the storm," she said, rubbing at her eyebrow. "He's doing alright now but he's just … missing his dad. Will not being here … being gone so long … has him really worried."

Maybe that comment would make Munch take a bit more heed to investigating Will's whereabouts. He might think she should suck-it-up, but she suspected that mention of Noah being worried might twist his arm another way. Munch seemed to take near every opportunity she provided to dote on her son. If that's what it took right now – she was going to play that manipulation card.

"He says his tummy is about to take flight," she added for good measure. John always loved Noah-isms. He seemed to think her boy was destined to be a great comedian. She wasn't sure she quite agreed with him there. But he definitely had his own ways of expressing things and telling stories. That was something John appreciated. She could only hope that Noah wouldn't grow-up to be quite as much of a paranoid ranter as Munch.

She listened to John's small snort and smart-assed comment back about Noah's assertion.

"Yeah, I thought you'd like that," she smiled softly. "No, we aren't going to go out again. I'll be here. … The reception seems a lot better this afternoon. Still a little spotty and definitely some dropped calls. But seem to have bars. … Yeah, OK. Thanks."

She sighed again as she ended the call and leaned against the patio door more as she worked to compose herself.

Their small garden was an absolute disaster. It had managed to catch several branches – one none too small – and a lot of litter in the storm. She sort of felt like she should've worked on cleaning it up a bit but she'd been so focused on trying to keep Noah calm and trying to reach Will and Ted, she really hadn't done much else. Will wouldn't have liked her dealing with that all yet in her recovery anyways.

He was still snapping at her whenever she lifted anything bigger than a grocery bag – Noah included. She wasn't sure it was really helping her recovery process in some ways. She was getting her physical therapy and occupational therapy in but she certainly wasn't being allowed to transition back to her normal home activities at quite the rate she would've liked. Having Will dote on her and just take care of things was nice in a way. But it was annoying and frustrating in others. She wasn't an invalid.

Until she started shifting more back to normal routines, she doubted she'd ever be ready to go and take the fitness test to get her approved for active duty and not just ass-duty. Not that she was ready to go back anyways. She'd made that clear to the Captain and she still had to pass her psych review. She still wanted to be home with Noah right now anyways. That was more important than the rest of it all in the grand scheme of things. But it was frustrating and at the moment she was feeling like she'd been away too long. If she'd been on the ground – she would've known long ago where her husband was and how he was doing.

Instead she had to collect her bits of information through Munch. She got to hear that an off-duty NYPD officer who lived out on Staten Island had managed to rescue his family but drowned in his basement. That a woman had her two children swept away from her arms when the surge came in. They hadn't found their bodies yet but officers were out searching the high grasses and swamp areas around parts of the shore trying to locate them. Other officers were searching flooded homes, businesses and basements for more fatalities. That the NYPD and FDNY were conducting helicopter rescues over-top of still flooded streets where people were stranded in their homes. That cars had been swept into swamp lands and boats had been swept into residential streets. That homes were pulled from their foundations. That water had come in faster and higher than expected – reaching up to the second storey of homes in some areas on the Island.

The bridges were still closed at that point as crews continued to assess their structural integrity before opening them to the public. The tunnel was flooded and the Bowling Green transit stop was likely out of commission for a while – it was going to need to be completely pumped out before they could even begin working on fixing the damages and restoring services there. Munch hadn't heard any chatter about when the ferry would start going across to Staten Island again but had basically told her not to hold her breath that it would start up again before the weekend.

Then after vamping up her worry – after her reminding him that the houses were in Tottenville and none-too-far from the shore – he'd waffled on whether he'd even been able to get on the radio. He'd said he'd tried. But she knew at that point in the conversation he was just trying to appease her – and likely get off the phone and back to dealing with the natural disaster. So she wasn't really holding her breath that she'd be hearing back from him that evening.

She released another sigh at the whole situation and then moved from the dining area to peak at Noah flaked out on the couch in the living room. He'd fallen asleep in front of one of the Star Wars movies. She was just happy he was resting – and it gave her a break from fielding his endless questions and worries and demands to know when Will would be home. She was so exhausted and emotional too. She felt like she was nearing the end of her patience with her little son. Every interaction she was having to coach herself not to snap at him. She'd feel awful if she did - and it would only end up upsetting him more.

She looked at the screen for a moment and thought of turning it off but feared that the sudden loss of background noise might stir Noah to wake. So instead she tried to pinpoint which episode of the movies it was.

Will had teased her that if she couldn't identify one of the movies from the others within a few minutes of watching it – they might be liable for divorce. She knew he was joking but she was still trying to beef up her Star Wars knowledge. At least it meant she could keep up with babble between him and Noah and it made her a better playmate for her son since about 80 per cent of the time Star Wars was the imaginary play of choice whether it was with action figures, Lego, dress-up or even craft time.

She thought that being able to name most of the characters by heart now counted for something. But staring blankly at the screen she still couldn't tell which episode she was watching. At least she could tell it was one of the originals. That was more from character identification and film quality, though, not some astounding plot point or piece of dialogue that had jumped out at her.

She gave up on that little game and headed back into the kitchen instead. May had containers of food out on the counter again. It seemed like she was near obsessively organizing and reorganizing the leftovers. Moving items from the counter to the fridge to the freezer and back. Olivia wasn't really sure what the point to the madness was but she'd been biting her tongue. It'd become really clear that time in the kitchen was May's coping mechanism – so Olivia was just letting her have-at-it.

Olivia could understand the need for a distraction. She wasn't doing very well at finding her own. She was so used to being on the ground in this kind of situation. It gave some sort of control or meaning to the chaos. Sitting at home waiting and worrying just made the whole experience that much worse.

She didn't know how May had spent years as a firefighter's wife – and then watched her two sons go into the first responder field as well – and have not lost her mind to all the days and nights of waiting for word while they were out in the field. The whole experience was making her respect the woman's pose a little bit more while also making her feel awful about every time she left Will in the middle of the night or didn't answer his calls while she was at work. She usually worried about Noah and him worrying about her while she was on the job. But now she was realizing that it was likely just as bad or worse for Will and she'd already spent years downplaying his right to have feelings and worries about that. It was going to be something she had to work on big-time – because she didn't want him to be experiencing these emotions and sensations on a regular basis. It wasn't fair to him.

"Noah still asleep?" May asked in a hushed voice.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah."

May gave her a small smile. "That's good. He needs it."

Olivia returned the smile. "He does," she agreed.

May puttered away in silence for a few more seconds and Olivia just watched. She wasn't sure if she should offer to help. She knew the offer would be declined. But she also just didn't know where else to go and stand and wait and worry at the moment.

"It didn't sound like he was able to give you much information?" May commented of the overheard phone call eventually.

Olivia eyed her and then shook her head. May had made clear that unless it was information specifically about her husband and sons, she didn't yet want to know about the rest of the devastation on the island. Olivia thought maybe she was smart to feel that way. Initially she'd thought the woman was burying her head in the sand or being uncaring about the rest of her community. But as the day dragged on, she was starting to think it was just self-preservation. Knowing bits-and-pieces was only causing Olivia to worry more than she already was.

"He wasn't able to say much," Olivia allowed. "But it's pure chaos over there right now. You could hear it all in the background. I should've known better than to call, I guess. Just made me feel like I've been out to long."

May opened her mouth to respond to that but before any words left her lips, the doorbell rang. May seemed to gape at her for a moment – her mouth still hanging open from what she'd been about to say. But Olivia quickly turned on her heel to make for the door. Part of her wanted to believe that Will had misplaced his keys during the storm and was now be standing on the stoop waiting for her to open the door for him.

As she peaked out the narrow windows bordering the door, her heart sank a bit, though. It wasn't Will – but she should've known better to even get her hopes up in that regards. But at least it was one of his brothers.

"Hi Rob," she greeted softly and held a finger to her lips to shush his usually booming voice. "Noah's finally asleep."

Rob gave her a nod and a little smile as he stepped inside. Then, as she shut the door behind him and turned around, his arms unexpected engulfed her in a hug. It took her off guard for a moment. She didn't really ever hug Will's family – even at the wedding. But there was something familiar about it – and she needed that. Her arms came up around him for the brief embrace too. As quickly as the hug began, though, Rob backed away.

"Hi," he returned uncharacteristically quietly. "Good to see you."

But then he turned and headed to the kitchen at the back of the apartment – showing himself in. She stood watching him for a moment before making her move to catch up.

Part of her had wanted to comment on the hug – or to give some sort of indication to him that maybe it wasn't OK. She wasn't sure it was. But in a way it had felt nice.

It was strange. She could see the McTeagues – all of them – stepping over previous unspoken boundaries now that the wedding reception was done with. Hugs, comments, jokes, looks, sarcasm. She was being included more or in a different way. They seemed less concerned about if they were stepping on her toes or if she didn't like it. She was being treated more and more as one of them. She'd noticed it since the shooting but at the reception it had become even more clear – and in these days with May it was that much more stark.

By the time she reached the kitchen behind him, May had wrapped him in a long and tight hug. Olivia recognized it was really the kind of embrace that only a mother could provide. She gave those sorts of clinging, lingering hugs to Noah regularly. Apparently it was something that she'd still be allowed to give him well into his 40s or later too.

"I'm fine, Mom," Rob assured her, while she still stretched her arms up around his neck and pulled him down slightly to plant two firm kisses against his cheek before sighing and letting go enough to examine him, still gripping at his elbows.

"I'm all good," he told her again a bit more firmly but with a thin smile. Olivia got the sense this was the kind of exchange that regularly happened when Ted or one of Will's brothers had been gone out on rotation and there'd been news of them having been called out to a big scene.

"Been on the radio with Tommy," he nodded at her, keeping firm eye contact. "They're keeping him busy – but he's good too. Gotten some texts from Karen and the kids. Tommy's heard from the wife and kids. Everyone's fine."

May sighed loudly and finally let go of him – moving to clatter around the kitchen instead. Opening the cupboards until she located a glass and then turning on the tap of water.

"I've been so worried," she finally admitted. "Have you been eating? Drinking?" she demanded but didn't wait for an answer before she thrust the glass of water at him and then turned again to clatter through the stockpile of food she had on the counters still.

"Poor Olivia – I've been driving her crazy. All I've been doing is cooking and baking in her kitchen," May said before holding out a container of oatmeal raisin cookies to her son.

She'd made them after they'd gotten home from the coffee shop as an offering to appease Noah's disappointment about the lack of Gypsy cookies in the café. But Noah had turned up his nose at them. Rob didn't seem nearly as picky and grabbed one taking a large bite out of it. It looked like he'd likely finish it off in two more bites. So May continued to hold out the container and he took another.

"It's fine, May," Olivia entered the conversation to try to diffuse the comment. She didn't like to think that her now mother-in-law had been feeling unwelcome or a nuisance. She'd been trying her best to make sure May felt as at home as she could given the situation. "We're glad you're here."

May flipped her wrist a little passively at her. "Lord knows you'll be glad to see me heading home." She winked at her son with a mischievousness that Olivia rarely saw in May. "Then she can start throwing out all this food I've been making," she directed at him.

Olivia gazed at her at that and wasn't sure how to respond. So again she let the comment pass and just rubbed at her eyebrow, trying not to let on that it had bothered her.

She supposed it must be obvious to May that they didn't keep all the food that she ever provided them with. It was likely even more apparent when they'd all but stocked their kitchen while she'd been in the hospital and then likely found a lot of it gone on their subsequent visits. There would've been no way the three of them would've eaten through most of those preserves in that timeframe. She must've known that a lot of it got tossed. But there was still something uncomfortable about it being put out there in the open.

Olivia knew that food and family meals were a big part of the McTeague family life. It'd become even more apparent that May's endless feeding of her family was more than just a coping mechanism – it was one of the only things she felt she could control when chaos was engulfing her family. Olivia now felt like she'd been being more insensitive than practical in some of the ways she'd thrown May's efforts into the garbage – and how she'd ranted at Will about his mother's kindnesses too.

She couldn't bring herself to open it up to discussion with the woman then-and-there, though. Not in front of Rob and not when there were other things still hanging out there unanswered.

"Have you heard from Will or your dad?" she asked.

Rob eyed her and then shook his head. "Nope. Not yet."

She sighed. "Have you heard much about what is going on over there?"

Rob shifted his gaze to his mother at that. He clearly was familiar with her stance on unless it was specifics, she didn't want to know. But he let out a sigh and looked back to Olivia.

"I can't tell you much right now, Liv," he allowed, shifting more of his weight against the counter behind him. "I haven't been able to get over yet. They've got us focused in on the mess in Lower Manhattan. But I get some hours down in the morning. So I'm going to try to get across first thing."

Olivia sighed and examined the floor for a moment, crossing her arms. "You must've heard more than that …" she said quietly.

Rob glanced at his mother again but May allowed a small nod that time.

"I'm hearing conflicting things about how far the water went up in Tottenville. Some guys have said it got all the way up to Clermont. Others have said it just stopped short," he allowed. "Either way, it came up quick and it came up high. There's lots of damage in the area. Some fatalities."

May slapped her hand over her mouth at that and for the first time Olivia noticed the glint of tears in her eyes.

"In Tottenville?" May clarified.

"Yeah," Rob nodded.

"Who?" May demanded.

Rob sighed and shook his head. "I don't have a list of names, Mom."

May shook her head more and Olivia felt complied to move closer to her, giving her hand a small squeeze. The woman seemed truly shaken. Olivia didn't blame her. She was wondering if Rob didn't have a list of names or if he was choosing not to hand them out to his mother in that moment.

"But Will and your dad …" Olivia pushed, trying to get Rob to see the possible error in his wording choice.

He held up his hand. "I'm sure they're fine," he added quickly. "If they weren't fine – we'd be hearing something. Houses might be a different story – but dad and Willie – they're likely just playing Boy Scout. Everyone over there is definitely going to be roughing it a bit for the next while."

Olivia eyed him some more. She wasn't sure she bought into Rob's 'no news is good news' mentality. Not when things were so bad on Staten Island. Not when their homes were that close to the flood zone. Not when none of them had had any word from Will or Ted yet that day.

Rob caught her look, though. "Look, you guys are welcome to come with tomorrow. I'll swing by and pick you up at the crack of dawn. They're supposed to be opening up the bridge by 6, I'm hearing – but I might try to make a break for it a bit earlier than that. Not making promises. But we can see how far we can get," he said.

May's face seemed to light up a bit at that offer. The sadness and worry were still there but there was some element of relief intermingling with them. Olivia knew, though, that her face wasn't washing with the same acknowledgement. Part of her was still protesting that it'd be too little, too late if something was wrong. Part of her still felt like they should've known what was going on in their own backyards hours and hours ago.

But she sighed and examined Rob again. "Will things have calmed enough that I'll be OK taking Noah? He's too fragile right now – physically and emotionally. I can't be dragging him into … chaos. And I can't just leave him here."

Rob shook his head. "He'll be fine. We'll bundle him up. Pack some extra food – and blaze a trail."

He could still see Olivia looking at him with some distrust of his statements. It was funny, Rob thought briefly. He'd been more accepting of Olivia's appearance on the scene with his Baby Brother than Tom had. But he'd still had his misgivings. Will had shown near no interest in dating since Tessa had died. Even with the nudgings from family and friends, he certainly hadn't brought anyone home. Then suddenly he shows up with a cop and her kid.

Rob sure as hell didn't need to be a detective to see even on that first introduction that Willie was head-over-heels. He was trying to hide it – from them, from her. But it was all painted right across his face, his body language, even how he was talking and interacting with the family. Yet the little masquerade of them just being 'friends' had seemed to drag on for an eternity. Rob wasn't loath to admit that in that eternity he'd been concerned for his brother. He thought he was going to have his heart broken again.

It had taken him quite a while to stop believing that Olivia wouldn't just be dropping Will whenever the fancy moved her. But as Will – and Olivia – allowed the family to get more and more small glimpses into their private lives, it had become more and more clear the quiet, committed way she loved his brother back. She just didn't feel the need to going around declaring it to Will's extended family – or even him, it sort of seemed.

But then there'd been Noah getting sick. That little boy's treatment and time in the hospital. How he'd seen her cling to Will for support – though still quietly and privately – in the times they'd visited the boy's bedside. Then there was her shooting and all those hours and days in the hospital. The fear in his whole family and then how she barely let Will leave her side after she came to. Then finally the wedding – and her words to his Baby Brother and their family. She needed Will just as much as Will needed her. She wasn't just into Will – she loved him. Standing in front of her now and looking at her face, her eyes, the tone she was asking her questions – she was head-over-heels too and was likely going to be destroyed if he didn't get her over to Willie soon.

"Look – just pack up some food tonight. As much water as you can get bottled. Grab a good pile of blankets and warm clothes for them. And tomorrow we'll work at getting everyone back to where they're supposed to be. Get everyone back together," he offered keeping his eyes locked with hers.

She finally gave a small nod though there still seemed to be some uncertainty in it. But Rob clapped his hands together and rubbed them almost expectantly.

"Good," he declared a little loudly but then seemed to remember Noah was sleeping in the next room and lowered it a bit. "It OK if I take a hot shower before heading back out?"

Olivia allowed a small snort at that and a little smile. "Ah, yeah, sure," she said. "Let me get you a clean towel," she offered and started to head out of the kitchen with him tailing after her.

Rob turned back to his mom just as he exited the room, though. "Why don't you package some more of that up while I'm cleaning up, Mom?" he said. "I know a bunch of burly firefighters who are famished."

May seemed to light up even more at that. "Oh good," she declared, already starting to clatter around again in a minor frenzy to reorganize the containers and the food for transport. "Take as much as you want. Don't want it to go to waste."

_**Thanks to an anonymous friend for the help and inspiration in getting this chapter pulled together and out.**_


	221. Chapter 221

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

They'd had to park Rob's pick-up off an intersection nearly four blocks away from the McTeagues' homes. And that was after a rather lengthy trip to Staten Island. It'd taken a while for Rob to navigate his way through Manhattan after picking them up around 5 a.m. – literally the crack of dawn, just like he'd said.

There were still lots of road closures and the situation didn't much improve after they'd finally managed to pass across to Brooklyn and then make their way to the bridge over to Staten Island.

The roads hadn't been as backed up as she might've expected, though. It seemed like a lot of people were being smart about it and just staying off the roads. So many were still closed, flooded or covered in debris that hadn't been cleared away yet. But even if people wanted to be heading places in the city – trying to reach relatives or trying to return home after seeking refugee elsewhere during the storm – the gas shortage was making it difficult. It made more sense for people to just stay put for the moment. That's what she'd be telling people if she was on the ground with work. She had no intention of listening to her own advice, though, when it came to reaching her husband.

The roadways became a little busier as they got onto Staten Island. It was clear that people were up and moving about already – getting back to work on trying to move along their recovery process. The cries from citizens on the Island that the city and state weren't acknowledging how hard its communities had been hit were getting louder and the coverage in the media about the devastation there was starting to pick up.

May had expressed she'd like to drive across the island using Hylan Boulevard – to try to get some idea of the extent of the damage. She seemed to be finally pulling her head out of the sand and slowly taking it in now that they were back on her stomping ground. Rob had nixed that idea, though. He'd claimed that he only had a few hours before he needed to be back with the rest of his company and his work. He wanted to make sure he had some time to assess the properties and get back. So he didn't want to be dealing with delays from any backups or street closures along the road that basically ran along the whole of Staten Island just up from the shore. He instead opted to get on the expressway for their trip across the island.

It got them down to Tottenville is fairly short order but it hadn't given them much of a perspective on the damage. The expressway ran down near the center of the island – well away from the shoreline on all sides. There was some visible damage to street signs, traffic lights, street lamps and business windows – but nothing glaring significant. It was mostly wind damage like they'd seen in the Upper West Side. The roadway actually went by a lot of the larger outlets, box stores, strip malls and fast food joints on the island and it looked like a lot of the businesses were at least trying to operate at some sort of limited capacity at that point. From the expressway the damage to Staten Island didn't look nearly as terrifying was what they'd been hearing and seeing on the internet.

Olivia, though, suspected that was exactly why Rob had picked the expressway – more-so than any schedule he was on. The night before he'd said he only had a few hours off-duty and they'd already near eaten that up in their journey over – for him to now be claiming that he only had a few hours when they finally did manage to get to the McTeagues'. She knew Rob was likely curious to see the damage along the shore and the bordering streets and communities too. But he also likely knew that none of them really needed to see all that before reuniting with their husbands, fathers, brother. In reality, they were seeing enough as it was in their walk into the houses.

They clearly weren't the only ones who had to park and walk into wherever they were headed. The streets bordering the intersection had become almost a parking lot crowded with vehicles. It was clear that other residents were trying to get back to their properties. People were checking in on their family and friends. Gawkers were wandering to scope out the damage. There were police cruisers and FDNY vehicles were parked there too, along side broadcast news vans. Olivia imagined that intersections about that far out along the entire coast had become similar parking lots.

Walking down the street to the houses it was clear that the water had crested in the middle of the road. Flotsam and debris clearly washed in by the ocean and the storm surge lined the middle of the road. In some places it formed larger piles than others. Some of the debris was strange to see in that context, and more what you'd expect to see while beachcombing – not in the middle of a residential road. Large pieces of lumber and drift wood, balled up and muddy gym socks, plastic bottles, construction signage, buoys, bits of rope, soggy pizza boxes, pylons, battered coolers.

But thankfully it didn't look like the water had reached particularly high that far back from the shore – based on trying to scope out the film of dirt and debris clinging to the foundations of houses, washed away porch steps and the residue left on the tires of cars that looked like they'd weathered out the storm in the spots they were still sitting in. It looked like there they were talking about water that had risen inches not feet before the surge crested and the high tide began to recede the floodwaters back out into the ocean.

Still, there was visible damage all along the street. Foundations and porches looked damp and waterlogged. Some porches had lost steps or been left sitting cockeyed. It was clear that the homes that had basements likely were in worse shape and sump-pumps could be seen – and heard – working at emptying the water back into the street and the overburdened sewers. Residents had started the long process of ridding themselves of the water-damaged furniture from their homes and sheds and basements. Couches, refrigerators, damaged laundry machines, broken-down and collapsed bookshelves, mounds of damp books, pulled up carpeting, stuffed animals and teddy bears, fizzled televisions – they were all starting to gather at the ends of driveways along the curb.

Gardens were clearly washed away and some fences had toppled in the wind and floodwaters as well – now laying flat in lawns or even chunks of them still in the street. It looked like some people's sheds had floated from their backyards to their front lawns during the storm. Then like back in the Upper West Side – the wind damage was glaring. Branches were everywhere and several windows of homes had been broken and were now boarded up. Other trees had fared worse and were laying cracked and dead on the ground and road too.

But even though Clermont Avenue looked like it had missed the worse of the surge – it was enough of a mess to leave the clear impression that the height of the water and the extent of the destruction would only get worse and worse closer to the shoreline. To confirm that, Olivia only needed to glance down the streets running down to the water as they crossed through each intersection. She didn't need to walk all the way down to coast; even in those few seconds gazing down as she walked by she could see the debris piled higher and shambles of the houses growing more stark. If the McTeagues' homes had even been half a block closer to the shore – they would've endured far worse damages – devastating damages.

What would've normally felt like a short walk – even shorter than where her and Will normally got off transit when visiting his parents – felt incredibly long. Taking the mess in felt even more staggering and overwhelming than what they'd seen on their walk in the Upper West Side the day before. It was becoming even more clear that her family's community had pretty much survived the storm unscathed compared to what other parts of the city had endured.

Rob kept glancing at her as they made their way down the street. She met his eyes a few times and he offered a weak smile. She couldn't imagine what seeing the community he'd spent all his life in looking like that would have him thinking. Her fear and worry about what they were going to find when they got up to the houses was growing. It'd be worse for Rob and May – it was their actual homes.

Still, May was walking stoically – with her head held high. A true firefighter's wife, Olivia thought. She found herself watching her example a bit. It was a pose that Olivia knew she often pulled off at work but she wasn't sure she'd be able to do it in quite the same way as May when it came to her family. She was still just churning and wanting to get to Will. She had had to resist the urge to start a jog from the car. But she couldn't very well leave Noah – or Rob and May.

They were almost to the houses – they were within sight – when Noah stopped in his tracks suddenly and tugged on her hand. She didn't particularly want to stop at that point but did and followed his gaze. He was staring at a large chestnut tree that had toppled to the ground in the storm – pulling its roots and the sod around it clear out of the ground.

"It's Chester," Noah near whispered of the brutalized tree that had become a near pet to him over the years.

The tree had fascinated Noah for nearly the entire time they'd been visiting the McTeagues with Will. Her little boy had been fascinated with the green spiky shells that contained the chestnuts. He said they looked like 'insect aliens' and would often go collecting them. The chestnuts themselves were near treasures. He was fixated on their smooth, shiny brown skin. He treated them almost like precious pebbles he'd picked up on the beach and used them as a tokens in games, rocks for his craft landscapes, throwing weapons for his action figures.

His fascination with the nuts had become even stronger when Will had relayed that while he'd been on a fellowship in Berlin the street vendors sold roasted chestnuts like vendors in the city sold pretzels or honey-roasted peanuts. He'd sing-songed 'chestnuts roasting on an open fire' at her son and then near instantly it'd been decided that they'd try roasting chestnuts themselves. Some Goggling later, and they had ended up with Noah's collection of chestnuts sitting on top of Ted's grill. Thankfully none of them had really liked the product and that little experiment and culinary delight had died. But now the tree was laying dead in the middle of the street.

Noah dropped her hand and moved a bit closer to take in the destruction of his foliage friend.

"Sweets, don't get too close," she said but gawked in the direction of the houses.

She was sure Rob and May were likely itching to close the gap as well. From where they were standing the properties themselves didn't look too badly damaged. Though a collection of carpeting, by the looks of it Ted's prized arm chair and other debris were gathering at their curbs just like the adjacent homes. There was no sign of Will or Ted, though. She hoped that meant they were in one of the houses or one of the backyards. They'd likely spend all day searching for them if they'd had to move to a shelter – or worse the hospital.

But then she spotted movement around the side of the house and strained her eyes against the still grey skies and the chaotic mess that was seeping into her line of sight. She attention on Noah's well-being shifted nearly 360 degrees in that moment. It was Will – her heart near skipped a beat with relief. He was OK. It looked like he was dragging about a quarter of a tree out from Tom's backyard with him – but he looked fine.

She glanced back at Noah and sputtered for a moment on whether to leave her son standing there alone. He wasn't really alone. Rob and May were right there still and hadn't moved to make the bolt she was readying herself for. But it'd been clear on the walk that her son was still struggling in comprehending the damage around them. She didn't blame him – so was she, and she'd seen all kind of damage in her life and in the city. He'd been gripping her hand so tightly until he'd spotted Chester the Chestnut Tree, though. She wasn't sure she could leave him now.

Rob seemed to catch her eyes, seeing how torn she was. "It's OK," he said quietly enough that Noah hadn't likely heard. "I've got him. Go ahead."

She gave him a small smile and started moving towards where her husband was moving towards the curb. She started at just a fast walk but that lasted all of three steps and she started a slow jog over to him. The movement must've caught his eyes too because he looked up from his maneuvering of the giant branches – a saw in his one hand – and caught her in his sights. She watched as that wide smile of his spread across his face and he started to move towards her as well.

"Dad," Will called out with a short glance over his shoulder back towards the yard. "They're here."

But that was all he said – only taking his eyes off her for a barely a split second – and then he broke into a small jog too. Their bodies near crushed together on impact and his arms wrapped around her tightly. She pulled his waist against her and then snaked her arms up his back while he clutched at her shoulders, his one hand near immediately burying itself in her hair.

"God, I missed you," she mumbled against his shoulder. "I was so worried. I'm so glad you're OK."

"I'm sorry," he breathed into her neck. "The phones aren't working. I'm here, though, babe. I'm OK. It's all going to be OK."

It was his line. His line that drove her crazy sometimes but that brought her so much comfort other times – knowing that he seemed to continue to believe it no matter what. Hearing it after being away from him for nearly four days now was threatening to bring her to tears. She was just so relieved. She was so happy to be back in his embrace. She was so happy he was OK. She couldn't imagine having to be away from him that long again – not anytime soon. She didn't want to have to worry about him – his safety, his well-being, where he was – again. She didn't want to make him have to worry about that anymore either. She didn't want their son to have to worry about his Daddy and not just his silly Mommy.

Will planted a kiss against her neck and then against her jaw and then against her cheek – before finally finding her lips. His hands – still in work gloves came up and clutched her cheeks for a moment as he examined her. She gave him a small smile – her eyes still glassing, which apparently just made tears come to his.

"Fuck," he mumbled and reached up, rubbing the back of the gloves against his face.

She smiled some more and batted his hands away. He looked rough enough as it was. He didn't need to be rubbing the canvas all over his tired and bloodshot eyes. She swiped under his eyes for him with her thumbs and caressed at the accumulating stubble on his cheeks.

"You're OK," she told him sincerely – putting his line back to him. It was OK. They were OK. It was going to be OK.

May hurried by them then and bounded into her husband in a way Olivia was sure was all to similar to what she'd just done in her collision with Will. She watched for a moment as the two reunited and chatted quietly – embracing and kissing softly as well. Will too looked over his shoulder at his parents.

"Your dad is OK?" she asked quietly.

He nodded. "Yeah," he allowed and nothing more.

She could feel the tiredness and the sadness radiating off him, as her lower body remained pressed against his and her one hand settled against his waist at the small of his back. She knew he wasn't going to say any more in that moment. Not about his father. Likely not about what they'd experienced. She wasn't even sure if he'd comment on the status of the properties.

"The houses?" she asked anyway though.

He just gave her a weak smile and an even sadder shrug. "It could've been a lot worse," he said flatly. "It was a lot worse for a lot of other people."

He nodded his head slightly in the direction of the coast – to their backyards and neighbors and the larger part of the Tottenville community that Olivia had found herself spending more and more time in over the years. That had become a weekend refuge for them in a way – even with all the nattering and annoyances and frustrations with his parents. A place for her son to play that didn't feel like the city while still being the city. A place for him to have a yard and trees and swing sets. A place where they could walk to the shore, wander through marshlands, enjoy the beach and the parks and sunsets and ice cream. A place they'd had their wedding just days before – and now it already looked so different. It was turned upset down.

Will's voice cracked a bit as he said it and he looked down – she thought trying to hide or at least hold back tears – and buried his face in the crook of her neck again. His childhood home. His childhood stomping grounds. Places he'd courted her – slowly won her over. Places where he'd played with her son. Places where she'd been welcomed into a family and she'd slowly let down her guard bit-by-bit and let that happen. The place where they'd just promised to spend their lives together and to raise and care for their son- to be a family. She rubbed at his back. But only got to offer the comfort for a moment.

"DADDY!" Noah shrieked, having finally closed the gap at a rapid trot – Rob now slowly trailing after him. He seemed as glassy-eyed and as lost in thought as Will.

Still, Will smiled a little bit at the presence of their son – offering her a brief happy gaze – before backing from her slightly and stooping to scoop up Noah.

"Hey bud," he said, pulling Noah to him and planting a loud kiss against his cheek, before pressing their two bodies back against hers in a three-way hug. "Oh, I missed you, sweets."

"You've been gone soooooooo long, Dad," Noah told him seriously.

Will bounced him a bit on his hip. "I know," he agreed. "It's been FOR-EV-ER."

Noah nodded seriously at that and cuddled against him. Olivia smiled and stroked at her son's shoulder with her one hand. It was so good to see him relieved – to finally be smiling - and now to be back in his father's arms. It was so good to have her family together. She was just so happy that for the most part everyone seemed alright. They were going to be alright.

"What smells bad?" Noah asked out of nowhere and rubbed his face against Will's chest a bit before jerking away and looking at him questioningly.

Olivia snorted but then it turned into a laugh. She rested her forehead against Will's shoulder for a moment and then looked at him.

"It's Daddy that smells bad," she told her son.

Noah made some sniffing sounds and then gazed at Will. "Ewwwwwwwwwwww," he added in an extended yowl.

Will shook his head and looked at Olivia. "Is it really that bad?" he asked.

She smiled and ran her hand down his cheek again. "Worse," she informed him.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, the water isn't exactly running right now either."

She leaned in and put another small kiss on his lips, inciting another "Ewwwwwwwww" from Noah. But she just shook her head briefly at him, before bringing her eyes back to her husband.

"You're allowed to smell," she informed him. "It's going to be OK. I love you anyways."

**Countdown to the end of Undeserved in FIVE ...**

_**Thanks to an anonymous friend for the help and inspiration in getting this chapter pulled together and out.**_


	222. Chapter 222

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Olivia was eyeing Will as he worked at pulling on his socks. She gave him a smile and shook her head a bit. He was exhausted – that much was clear – but in his exhaustion, he was being a little funny, without really knowing it. He just wasn't thinking straight was what it came down to.

"You've got enough energy to do that but you don't have enough energy to put on your sleep pants?" she said at him - and dropped the flannel pants and the waffle Henley she'd pulled out of his drawer for him on the top of the dresser.

She'd taken them out even though he'd already indicated that he was 'too tired' to put on the clothes. This came while he was standing at his underwear drawer retrieving briefs and the socks. So she wasn't exactly clear on how opening his sleepwear drawer and pulling on a pair of up his legs pants and a shirt over his head was going to be too much excretion. She'd thought, though, that maybe if she took over the hard labor of retrieving them for him – he might be able to handle clothing himself. Apparently not so much.

"My feet are cold," he mumbled at her in his only response.

She shook her head a little bit at him again before she pulled open her one drawer for a moment and dug out a pair of her fuzzy socks and that she handed out towards him.

"These will be warmer than those?" she said, nodding at the well-worn athletic socks he was pulling on his feet.

She saw him eyeing the purple microfiber socks in her hand. She thought if he actually reached out and took them, it'd likely be telling in how cold he actually was. Will might not be Mr. Type-A Macho Man - but he certainly wouldn't normally call his manliness into question by adorning something like soft, fuzzy, almost pastel colored socks.

He knew how warm they were, though. He'd bought them for her after-all – amidst him whining about how cold her feet always were and that she always had to ram them under his thighs while they were sharing the couch or rub them against his legs while they were in bed. She didn't think he had anything to complain about – as far as she was concerned ramming her freezing feet against him was one of the perks she'd waited years for in having a long-term relationship and husband. So he could complain all he wanted – it was part of the deal. Though, she'd be the first to admit his super-warm sock solution had helped – and they also turned the volume down on his complaining too. So it was win-win. Still, she could see his mind very slowly clicking about whether he was going to put them on in that particular moment. But then his hand came out and took them – wordlessly – and worked at adding them to his feet.

She gave him another small smile. He looked sort of ridiculous sitting there on the edge of the bed – in apparently what he was planning to sleep in: black briefs, a grey beanie and now the fuzzy purple socks pulled up over top of the white athletic socks that were sticking out the top. If she hadn't just been separated from him for four days - if she hadn't still been just so glad to have him back - she likely would've been making a comment about his outfit.

She thought he looked kind of cute in his beanie. They always were putting Noah to bed in his hat to keep his bare head – and hopefully the rest of him – a little bit warmer. She thought it was a nice shared look. And, she never really turned down an opportunity to gawk at Will in a pair of his underwear – especially that particular underwear. She didn't even have anything against wearing socks to bed either. She thought they'd be better paired with a pair of sleep pants than against the bare legs of his briefs. They'd probably look less silly too if he wasn't wearing two pairs of socks – one longer than the other and contrasting colors. It was just the whole get-up looked completely ridiculous – but sort of cute at the same time. It'd probably be cuter if she didn't know how tired he was and how sad he was.

He really hadn't been that verbal since they'd left Staten Island. He'd talked to her a bit while they were still at his parents' and brothers' homes. But that was mostly to point out a bit of the damage and to give her a couple instructions about things she could help with in that particular moment. As the day moved on, though, and Rob indicated that it was time for him to head back and get on shift – the only substantive conversation they'd had was about who was staying and who was going back into Manhattan.

She'd thought Will might put up a bit of a fight and again indicate it was best for him to stay on Staten Island and help his family. In a way she understood that. It had been an emotional day as the extent of damage to not just the three properties but the larger community began to really set in even more for her. She understood the urge to stay put and to try to help Ted and May – to try to provide some sort of support for the community that didn't seem to be getting it in quite the same way as other areas of the city.

In other circumstances, she probably would've been there on the front lines, volunteering and helping out any way she could. But the reality was that it cold there – and beyond a generator there was no power in the neighborhood, beyond a bon fire Ted had going in the backyard (both as waste disposal and a gathering point) there was no heat. And there was no running water in any of the houses. And there was still no real form of communication – not without them moving halfway across the island, which wasn't likely to happen considering the gas situation and all the road closures, detours and back-ups and delays. So she'd started to mount an argument that there was no way Noah could stay there over night.

Ted and May had gotten on her bandwagon rather quickly – and indicated their agreement that the little boy had to be taken home to his own warm house and comfortable bed for the evening. Will agreed but had initially stuttered on if he'd be coming too. But Ted had spun it in such a way that there wasn't a lot of arguments for him to put up.

"You're taking your son home, William," was what he'd said and that had been the end of it. It was decided – Will would be coming home that night too. He hadn't put up any more of a fight after his father had spoken. Ted clearly knew Will needed to be home with his family and he likely wanted some alone time with his wife as well.

Olivia had been almost surprised, though, to find herself trying to urge May and Ted to come back over for the night too. She thought Ted could more than use a night in a warm environment with a hot shower and a square meal – and something more resembling a warm bed than what he'd likely been sleeping in.

She thought May would agree to it easily as well. That everyone would be better off for dealing with the clean up and the recovery after getting warm, some food and water into them and a good night's sleep. But Ted had made clear he wasn't leaving – and that was it for May too. She may have agreed to get out of harm's way during the storm. But Sandy had passed now. There was work to do and she wasn't leaving her husband's side – or her home.

So it had just been the three of them who had gotten back into Rob's truck for the long trek back to their brownstone. And, as soon as they'd settled in for the ride, Will had begun to seem more and more zombied out – more non-verbal.

She saw a bit of the glaze in the eye that she had learned to recognize at other times in the year - usually around the anniversary of Sept. 11th. There would be days around then she'd catch him looking a little dazed and lost in space. She didn't blame him. She knew she had moments where she thought about that day, and the terror in the city, that sent her mind all different places. It'd be worse for Will – harder. There were other days in the year that she'd become attuned to. Little anniversaries or moments or things that occasionally made him think of his first wife. Some of them he'd let her in enough to tell her what they were: "It would've been our wedding anniversary" or "It's Tessa's birthday today". Other things he didn't tell her but she'd catch him with that look that seemed a little too similar to what she was seeing in him now. It scared her a little.

She tapped on the clothes on the dresser and then moved to drop her towel and pull on her own pajamas. "They're here if you change your mind," she told him. "They might be warmer than just underwear."

He made a small noise but made no move towards the clothes. But even though she now had her back to him momentarily, she could feel him watching her movements. She'd been keeping him in her sight since she'd gotten back to him – and he seemed to be keeping her in his.

Olivia had felt a bit of an urge to keep a physical connection as well. Every time she was within reach of him, her hand kept finding his or finding the small of his back, rubbing at his back and shoulders and arms – trying to warm him. She'd had to share some of that attention with Noah while at Ted and May's. Her little boy was in full-on Daddy mode. Daddy hugs were the order of the day and Noah had been throwing himself at Will and occupying his space at least as much as her – if not more so. She wasn't sure who was keeping who warm with it. But she didn't think with all the touching and hugging any of them had really been as buzy-bee workers on the properties as might've been needed. May, though, had been fussing around Ted too, so that made Olivia feel less guilty about disrupting things with needing to be near her husband and Noah wanting to be near his daddy.

By the time they'd gotten home, though, Noah was out cold – exhausted from the travelling and the day on Staten Island and his relief from getting back to his Daddy. She thought she'd finally get some Will-time to herself but after carrying Noah into his bedroom – he'd disappeared upstairs. She'd checked in on Noah before following and had found that Will had literally just put him on the bed. So she'd worked on stripping him of the cold-statured, damp and muddy clothes and getting him into his PJs. He'd barely stirred as she handed him his evening oral chemo dose and had him sip the water and had been near a limp body when she'd lifted him to get him under the blankets and kissed him good night.

She'd headed upstairs and almost half expected to find Will passed out. She hadn't heard him moving up there and the shower or bath hadn't started. So she thought he must've fallen straight into bed in complete exhaustion. Instead, though, he was sitting on the end of the bed staring blankly at the top of the stairs like he'd be waiting for her to come up the whole time. She'd given him a small smile and then stepped into the bathroom and started to draw a bath for him. He needed to get cleaned up and warmed up. But he was still sitting there – fully clothed – and staring off into space when she'd come out to check on him.

"Com'on, let's warm you up in the tub," she told him – almost like she was coaxing a child. "Then we'll get in bed, OK?"

He mumbled something indecipherable to her and she thought she might have to prod him a bit more. But eventually he seemed to listen. Maybe it was the sound of the water and the growing steam misting out into the bedroom from the bathroom. More likely, she suspected, it was that she'd stripped down herself and peaked in on him again to see if he was going to come, that might've finally enticed him. He'd trudged over, pulling off his own dirty, smelly clothes that had seemed to cling and stick to him.

She didn't know how long they'd lounged in the tub - until the water had gone from hot to warm to lukewarm to nearing cold again. He hadn't spoken and she'd mostly just held him - enjoying the feeling of his back pressed against her chest and breasts. She'd slowly worked away at washing him down – dabbing and stroking at him as she smoothed the washcloth and the soap over his body, getting the days worth of grit and grim and sweat off him. Mostly, though, she was trying to permeate him with warmth from her and the water.

She wasn't sure she really expected him to speak. He was too tired and she thought he was slightly traumatized by the whole experience. Will took time to process things. His emotions were sometimes tumultuous. They'd come streaming out in violent bursts. It was better that he was taking time to settle and process what happened. She just didn't want him to dwell and bury it without ever saying anything.

But as she waited for him to say anything that night – in their likely limited time of quiet and privacy before Noah appeared in their room wanting to sleep with Daddy, and conscious before sleep took over - she'd began to grow worried that the water was cooling off enough that it wasn't going to dig the deep chill that seemed to be clinging to his being. So she'd leaned forwarded and pulled the plug, letting the water drain.

He'd still said nothing and hadn't moved. It was again her who moved first - nudging him forward gently and then standing from behind him and getting out of the tub. She reached for his towel first and held it out for him. It almost felt like she was mothering him the way she would Noah. But it was so much more than that. Maybe it was more that she was being his wife in a way she hadn't really had to before. She was taking care of him more than most days. But she wanted that. She was just so happy and relieved to have him back home. Though, his quietness was still worrying her a little.

"Com'on, Will," she said softly, holding the soft, bulky towel up more. "Let's go to bed."

He gave a little grunt and got out of the tub slowly. But he'd very nearly just stood there after he did step onto the mat. Olivia essentially had to dry him off and then he'd trudged into the bedroom again and began to outfit himself in his mismatched sleep attire – settling onto the corner of the bed again and just gazing at her.

She didn't feel like it was the usual gaze of his that she sometimes felt land on her while she was dressing or undressing with him in the room. She knew that night he was likely more just looking her way and maybe just registering that movements were taking place over by their dresser. It didn't feel like there was anything sexual about it. But she could still feel his eyes on her.

She pulled a tank over her head and then reached back into her drawer to grab some lounge pants.

"Don't do that," Will mumbled at her again as she pulled them out.

She glanced at him over her shoulder. "Do what, sweetheart?" She had no idea what he was talking about.

"Put on your sleep armor," Will said flatly.

She snorted and looked at him. "My sleep armor?"

He made a small – barely a - gesture towards her. "That," he said and she looked down at the folded pants in her hands.

She really wouldn't define her loungewear as armor. Even on a night where she thought they might actually be making love – it was pretty easily removable. And, she really didn't get the impression that Will was remotely interested in sex that night. She actually thought if he'd just lay down flat he'd be out like a light. So she wasn't sure what a tank and some flannel pants were supposed to be protecting her from – other than the cold.

"I just ... want to be able to feel your skin tonight," Will filled in for her, though.

She met his eyes at that moment and reflected before giving him a small nod. She knew how much she'd craved his touch and caresses and hugs and embraces and just the feel of his skin against hers in the days and weeks after she got out of the hospital. She needed to feel his warmth, the smoothness of his skin, the little hairs on his body against hers, the slight roughness of the palms of his hands and pads of his fingertips and he caressed and held her, the rise and fall of his chest, the beating of his heart, the small vibrations in his chest as he spoke softly to her.

She had wanted to melt into him so badly in those first few days home. She hadn't wanted to let go. It hadn't been sexual at all – though that had come as the aches and discomfort started to calm. She'd needed that connection and touch and reassurance too. But in those first few days home – it had just been about holding him and being close to him.

"OK," she agreed and put the pants back in the drawer, just grabbing a pair of panties instead and skimming them up before crossing the short distance to the bed and cupping his cheek. "Com'on. Let's lay down."

He stood from the bed but she moved around to his side and pulled down his sheets and blankets for him. She stopped to give him a small kiss on the lips and again rubbing her hands down his stubbly cheeks before moving to her side of the bed.

He was already on his side and reaching for her as she lay down and she closed the gap settling against him – their legs intertwining, their stomachs touching and her head finding a place to rest in the little crevice of his shoulder as he rolled onto his back a bit more and she began to drape some of her weight and warmth over him. She knew that neither of them planned to move at that point. She certainly didn't plan to move until morning – or to let go of him until then either.

They lay there – about as close as humanly possible – for some time. To the point that Olivia lost track of time. She wasn't even sure if Will had drifted to sleep yet. She could still hear his heart beating steadily and his chest rising and falling bellow her. It hadn't seemed to reach a sleep-pattern yet. But she still couldn't bring herself to lift her head to get a better look at him to see if he was still awake.

"Will…I'm so sorry," she said so quietly. Almost quieter than a whisper. She wasn't even entirely sure if she was saying it out loud.

"What?" Will mumbled – apparently still sort of conscious but confused by her statement. "Sorry?"

She sighed. She wasn't sure she had meant to say it out loud. But it was out there now and she really did want him to know that. Her emotions had been churning in her for days now – since they were ripped apart barely following the wedding. They'd only intensified after she saw the mess that was Staten Island and his childhood home, his parents' and brothers' homes – when she'd seen how sad and broken Will looked.

"I just … was so worried about you," Olivia admitted. "And, I realized that … this … it's what I do to you every time I leave the house at night for a call. Or when I'm out longer than my roistered shift. Or when I … don't pick up your calls or don't return them right away." She rubbed her cheek against his chest and gripped at him a bit tighter. "And I realized that even with how worried I've felt these past four days – it can't even compare to what you experienced and had to worry about after my shooting." She lay against him quietly for a moment – listening to his breathing and heart again. "I just…I didn't know," she said – almost feeling foolish. "But I hated these past four days. I hated not being there to see you. I hated not being able to talk to you. I hated not hearing your voice. I just … hated how out of my control it all was. And, I'm just … sorry I do that to you so often."

Will hadn't provided any comment as she dumped that off her chest and onto his. Even in her pauses to compose herself and to figure out how to say it – he'd remained quiet. He was so zombied out that night, though, she wasn't even sure he was understanding what she was saying – if he'd be able to process and absorb it. But then his hand crept from where it had been gently tracing circles on her back and moved to her shoulder – holding her against him a bit tighter as his dry and parched lips pressed a kiss against her hair.

"Stop being sorry," he said at a level nearly as quietly as what she'd been speaking. "It's OK. I'm OK. I'm here. You're here – and we're both OK. It's all going to be OK. So … just … help me warm up."

She snorted at that and cuddled against him a bit more.

"I just … want you to know that I need you, Will – and I love you … so much," she told him.

It was things she didn't tell him often enough – but it was pretty much all that she'd been thinking about lately. It'd become even more strikingly clear that if something happened to Will – to her husband – it would devastate her more than she might've imagined.

She couldn't even imagine being without him. Four days without him – of wondering and worrying about him – had been more than enough, almost too much, actually. And, if something ever did happen so they weren't together again – she wanted to make sure he knew she needed him and that she loved him.

They were words and sentiments she wanted to hear after the shooting. It was what she wanted to hear after a flashback. They were comforts and reassurances she just thrived on getting from him whenever he offered them. The storm had shown her she needed to try harder with him. She needed to make sure he knew how she felt more. And, in that moment, she was ready to provide Will with anything and everything he needed – however she could.

"I love you too," he muttered more this time – clearly starting to drift more and becoming less interested in what she was saying. "Always will…"

She smiled softly at how he seemed to almost phase out at the end of his last statement. So she just snuggled into him more – continuing to work on her quest to warm him. Rubbing her hands up and down his arms and chest and sides. Reaching up and caressing his cheeks and stroking at his bald head before cupping his near frozen ears in her hand one at a time.

"It all happened so fast when it started," he mumbled and she did crane her neck to look up at him when he said that. It was the most he'd said about the storm and she wasn't even sure he knew he was staying it. Still, it made her heart skip a beat. It made her want to know more – but she knew he wasn't in a position to give it at the moment. "It was so cold," he added in mutters. "I'm so cold."

"You're OK," she assured him, rubbing her hand across his pecks before settling it against his cold side and boney ribs. "I'm working at warming you up. Just … try to rest, Will."

He made a small sound and stirred under her a bit. "My Liv …" he mumbled some more and earned a small smile from her. She wasn't sure she'd usually like that – but in that particular moment, she thought he could say it a few more times. "I love you … I'm just … so cold."

She pulled the blankets up around them a bit more and then reached out her one arm to tuck them against his side and tightly under him.

"You sure you don't want to put on your flannels and thermal?" she asked, even though she knew the answer, so added, "I'll get them for you … bring them over."

"Mmmm," he seemed to offer in mumbled protest and gripped at her more. "No. Don't go."

She sighed and rubbed at him more. "OK. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Sleep, Will. I'm right here."

**Countdown to the end of Undeserved in FOUR ...**

_**Thanks to an anonymous friend for the help and inspiration in getting this chapter pulled together and out.**_


	223. Chapter 223

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

Will couldn't help but smile as he sat back a bit and watched Noah looking at one of the pieces of his new Lego set in deep concentration.

He was still just happy to be home. Happy to be with his family. Happy to be getting to participate in putting together this coveted Millennium Falcon – that he wasn't sure if it was him or Noah who had wanted it more.

Noah was working at putting together one of the control panels that would eventually end up on the bridge of the space ship.

On the whole, the project wasn't going together quite as quickly as the little boy would've liked. He wasn't used to them working on sets of that size. Liv and him had only broken down and bought Noah sets that maxed out around $30 and a couple hundred pieces. Those are pretty simplistic endeavors. They could usually have them put together and ready to play with within a couple hours – if that. Really – if Will had been left to his own endeavors, he likely could put most of them together in a matter of minutes. But Olivia had always made clear to him that they were Noah's toys – not his – and that putting them together was part of the experience and the learning process for Noah. So Will had managed to learn to restrain himself and not completely take over. To be a helper and a guider – not a block hog. Sometimes that was hard in his own enthusiasm for the insanely cool Lego sets that he hadn't ever had as a kid.

Still, he was definitely having to provide a bit more guidance than usual with this set. But at more than 1,200 pieces – that wasn't really surprising. The set even had two instruction manuals. Even if Will was working on it on his own, he figured it would likely be about an eight-hour build. Working with Noah – and Olivia – he figured it was going to be a multi-day effort.

They'd already been sprawled across the living room floor for most of the morning working on one of their first official family projects. Admittedly they were a little distracted. Will kept stopping and just watching his wife and son. And, Olivia was taking some breaks from the Lego building efforts to open up their collection of wedding presents.

Apparently telling people not to bring wedding gifts to even an after-the-fact ceremony and reception didn't hold much weight. It looked like most of their guests hadn't listened. Though, the majority of the presents were cards containing money. So the gift opening hadn't been that exciting for Noah. Still, he had pointed out that they were 'rich' and speculated on what they should do with all the cash. His ideas included a whole lots of Stars Wars figures, comic books, a dog, a Wii and an iPad. Most of that wasn't likely going to happen.

Will had thought he and Liv should likely talk to his parents about trying to get them to take some of the money – especially now with all the storm damage to their properties and homes. He knew they likely would huff at that. But he thought maybe they could convince them on the grounds of reimbursing them for all the cost and expense they'd put into throwing the reception for them. It was strange how far away that all seemed now in the aftermath of the storm.

Beyond money, they'd gotten a few gifts. Most of them were items that they probably could've done without. Vases, cutting boards, a casserole dish, some sort of giant pot that likely cost a small fortune but Will had no idea what they'd ever use it for – unless they were cooking spaghetti for an entire army barracks – nor did he know where they'd store it.

They had also received a membership to a wine of the month club, which Liv had seemed pleased with. Maybe a little too pleased. He was starting to think she wasn't planning on sharing.

Noah had been most taken with a waffle iron. Another item that Will wasn't really sure they needed or where they'd store the thing - for something they'd use maybe a couple times a year. Noah, though, seemed to think they could get about daily use out of it. It made Will glad they'd already had breakfast before opening that present.

The night before, he'd only managed to get a few hours of alone time with his wife. That was pretty much what he'd expected, though. And, he'd been too exhausted to even fully enjoy it – though he had enjoyed being held and just being near her. He'd drifted in-and-out while she was rubbing at his arms and back and shoulders and head and ears. Every time he opened his eyes, she was still awake and examining him gently. She looked a little too lost in her own thoughts but he was too tired to pry and she seemed content to just get to cuddle as well.

Noah had come creeping to the top of their stairs when he'd stirred awake and peaked around the banister at them. Will had heard him come up and feel him looking but had remained still. It'd been Liv who held up the covers between them and whispered, 'Com'on, sweets.'

The little boy hadn't needed a second invitation (he really hadn't even needed the first one). He'd near dove into the bed with them – flying up onto the mattress and bouncing on his knees before crawling up the bed. Will had made the tiniest audible protest as Liv pulled away from him a bit to make room for their son. He wasn't sure he wanted to break that connection with his wife. But as Noah burrowed into the covers between them and settled against his chest – his little body curling right against his – he decided that putting a few inches between him and Liv was worth it for that.

"I think he's the only person I'm willing to share you with for a long time," Olivia joked quietly.

Her voice was more asleep than he'd expected. It was that half-asleep, half-awake voice of hers – the one that he usually found so sexy (at least when it wasn't grumpy). But it suggested to him, she'd been drifting in-and-out too. Maybe her eyes had only been open as his drifted open too. She'd been close enough to him in their embrace, she could feel the changes in his body as consciousness took and released him in their rest.

Will just offered her a small smile. He could see the whites of her eyes glinting in the bit of light that was streaming in from the street. He pulled her a bit closer – bringing her head more to his shoulder. And, in their now three-way shared cuddle, they made a Noah-sandwich. He thought it was about perfect – to be back home with his two most favorite people in the world, who he loved so much and in a home that didn't seem too much worse for the wear at all. Those were the important things. His wife and son and a roof over all their heads.

When he'd really woken from his sleep and stirred – it was clear that he was likely the last of the three to wake. Though, he thought Noah and Olivia had been being fairly quiet and still. Or maybe he'd just been really passed out. Liv was already telling him, he could sleep through just about anything and it made her a little jealous while also fearing for their safety too. He wouldn't be the one stirred away by an intruder and wrapping a bat or gun to go after them and protect the family. He supposed he could leave that up to his wife. She was likely scarier than him. But he didn't need her taking another bullet.

As soon as his eyes had first fluttered, Noah had sort of whispered, "Are you awake Dad?" and he'd heard Liv shush him. It made him smile involuntarily and open his eyes a bit more.

"He's awake!" Noah had declared happily. He sounded almost like it was Christmas morning with the excitement in that statement. Like they could finally get the show-on-the-road and he was just bursting at the seams about it.

"DAD!" Noah near yelled at him then – up on his knees between them and the covers falling away. "We have to go and open the Millennium Falcon now! Mom wouldn't let me open it until you got home! So we have to now. We have to. Get up!"

And with that what was left of the blankets still on him were yanked down the rest of his body by the excited little boy.

Will snorted and glanced around the boy to Olivia who gave him an apologetic shrug. But he just smiled and rubbed at his face for a moment.

"OK, OK," he mumbled at bit and gave Noah a small poke in the ribs to get a giggle. "But CALM DOWN, sweets. Let's get some breakfast – and coffee," he stressed giving Liv a 'I need it' look that earned a smile. "Then I'm all yours."

He reached and caressed at Noah's little head. His beanie had come off in his sleep. He glanced around the bed to see if it was mixed up in the sheets and pillows but it didn't appear to be. It must've slipped off down in his own bed before he came up. So Will reached and pulled his own off his head and placed it on Noah's. In his caress, he'd felt how cold his scalp and ears were.

Noah smiled at getting to wear Daddy's hat and adjusted it some more around his head. It was a little big. But it'd do for the moment. Though, Will suspected now that he'd given it to him – it probably wasn't coming off anytime soon. Or that he'd ever get it back. He'd be buying himself a new hat. That one was Noah's now. But he was really just glad to see some life and excitement in his son's eyes – whether it was about the hat, or the Lego, or maybe just him being home. It was good to see. In the limited conversation he and Liv had had so far, she'd made clear that Noah had been a mess of anxiety and nerves in the storm and he'd had the headache to prove it. It'd been a rough go.

"What would you like for breakfast, sweetheart?" Olivia asked, rubbing at his arm.

"Hmm," he thought about it, rolling over onto his back a bit more and rubbing at his face again. "Oatmeal?" Will suggested. He knew he had to get his preferred option out there quick – or Noah would decide it was him who'd been asked for his order.

Liv hadn't been too happy that he didn't eat the night before when they arrived home. But Will had just been so tired and so cold. He really just wanted to lay down. He didn't think he was even capable of being hungry at that point. It was like the cold and the damp of dealing with the clean-up at his parents' and brothers' properties had knocked the hunger out of him for the moment. But after a night's rest, he was starting to feel his stomach rumble a bit more.

Oatmeal sounded good. Heavy, filling, stick to the ribs and maybe cold out some more of the chill that still didn't seem to have entirely let go.

"Just oatmeal?" she clarified, sounding a little surprised. Or maybe she was just hoping he'd want something a bit more than that.

Will thought about it again for a second and then met her eyes. "Do we have apples?" he asked.

She nodded. "I think so."

"Stewed apples and oatmeal?" he suggested a little hopefully.

He watched a smile spread across her face a bit at that. "You want stewed apples?" she said a little bit like he was being ridiculous. But he just nodded back. She shook her head and rubbed at his arm a bit more. "OK," she agreed. "Oatmeal and stewed apples."

Will knew she was thinking he was weird. But there were some things that she made – that she did – that just felt right. Sometimes Will thought it was strange that some of the meals and treats Olivia made had made it onto his list of favorites in just a period of four short years. He still had some favorites from his childhood – things that only his mother or his father could make quite right. He still had his preferences when it came to picking a restaurant or take-out. And, he still preferred some of his own dishes and cooking over other people's for certain things. But there were definitely some food that just tasted better – tasted right – when his wife made them.

Will wouldn't have pegged Liv has a breakfast crazy when he first met her. Or even a health nut. Not with the hours it was clear she worked. Not with her having to balance work with being a single mom. But he'd discovered rather quickly that breakfast was about the only meal she seemed to do right. He supposed it was a practicality thing. If she didn't eat breakfast – she might not get a proper meal in her all day. And, it wasn't like she went nuts at breakfast – it was just good, hearty. The kind of breakfast you're supposed to eat. It was still always overly health conscious. Yogurts and fruits and smoothies. Whole grain cereals and toasts. She'd routinely offer up eggs for everyone, though. And, then on weekends there were offerings of omelets, pancakes or French toast, if he or Noah wanted them. Will rarely turned down her breakfasts. But he rarely turned down her smoothies in the morning either – particularly if she'd done up a green smoothie for them all.

Oatmeal was usually a quick and easy option – something that could be plopped in front of everyone in a matter of minutes. Throw in some fruit or shredded coconut or sliced almonds and they all seemed happy. But sometimes she'd stew up apples – with that simple honey and cinnamon syrup she brought them to the boil in.

He knew she really did them for Noah. A fairly healthy sweet indulgence that he seemed to be able to stomach. It had become one of Will's favorites, though. And, as far as he was concerned – she didn't make it often enough. Besides, he liked getting to spend the few minutes peeling and coring and slicing up the apples with her. And he liked bugging her at the stove to see if she put the right amount of honey and cinnamon on them – the amount he liked. Or maybe it was more that he liked how finicky and pushy she'd get with him in batting him away and letting her work at her concoction.

It had been a nice treat – mid-week. Maybe another bonus of the storm. He wasn't sure she would've so wordlessly agreed to making them on a weekday in other circumstances. There were some positives to Sandy – maybe.

But now they'd moved to living room and had spread out their present-opening and Lego-making projects across most of the floor that made up Noah's little play area off in the one corner.

Will glanced up at Olivia again from where he was working on his section of the spaceship. She'd been completely hogging the instruction manual - and despite clearly following it line-by-line, it really didn't look like she'd made much progress on the little bit of construction she'd been assigned.

"Liv, stop looking at the manual and build," Will teased her and held up two of his little bricks and snapped them together. "Not that hard."

She finally brought her eyes up from the pages at that and shook her head at him.

"Sorry - I'm not a structural engineer like some people," she shot back at him just as sarcastically.

Some of the niceties of their initial reunion were starting to fade a bit and they were settling a little more into just being them. But Will was still just so happy to be home and to be doing something as mundanely them as trying to figure out a Lego set - an epically giant Lego set, but a Lego set. He wasn't exactly going to protest the extra little touches and smiles he was getting from his wife, either, though. Another Sandy bonus. He'd likely be milking that for all it was worth for days and weeks to come. He didn't get the sense Liv had any intention of letting up on it just yet either.

"This isn't structural engineering," Will snorted at her. "You want to see structural engineering - spend four days in a flood zone with my father. That's a feat of structural engineering."

Olivia allowed him a small smile and raised an eyebrow in a 'tell me more' look. He really hadn't said all that much about the experience yet. He knew she was hoping to hear more about it from him. But he hadn't really felt much like talking yet. He was still processing. Still, he knew that they were likely reaching the point he had to give her something – anything.

Will could tell she needed some of her own reassurances. That getting some glimpse of what he'd experienced would help calm her nerves about the separation and what he'd been through. But it all still felt so raw and scary, especially after seeing the damage to his parents' and brothers' properties - not to mention, the rest of Tottenville. But Olivia lucked out. She didn't have to be the one to find a way to gently press him - Noah did it for her.

"What's structural engineering, Dad?" Noah piped up, looking up from the collection of miniature figures that came with the set. At the moment, he seemed far more taken with them than he did the hundreds of pieces that the spaceship was currently sitting in.

Will gave the little boy a small smile. "Sandbagging," he said. "Lots and lots and lots of sandbagging."

"Sandbagging?" Noah said incredulously. "What's sandbagging? Do you bag sand?"

"Yeah, sweets. You bag sand," Will allowed. He still wasn't sure he wanted to get into it.

"Why do you bag sand? Did you use Kyle's sand? Is that where it went?"

Will gave him a thin smile. The little boy had noted that the sandbox and swing set that was usually in Tom and Becky's backyard was gone. Most of the sand in the low box had been washed away and deposited elsewhere around the properties and the street. The wind had so badly mangled the aged swing set that Will and his father had dismantled what was left and put it out to the curb. The set had managed to survive him and his brothers and all the McTeague grandchildren – but didn't survive Sandy.

It had been strange and a little emotional taking what had been left of it apart and dragging it to the trash. Will had had to remind himself it could've been much worse. It was just a swing set. The storm took it – but not the memories. And it was just some wood and metal and chain and ropes. It wasn't like their homes or businesses had been completely destroyed or swept away like so many of their neighbors had experienced just a blocks away.

"No, Noah. We didn't use the sand in the sandbox. The water from the storm just washed that way. But we were trying to use the sandbags to keep the water away from the properties."

"So you and Popa made a beach?" Noah asked – looking him in disbelief. Will knew he wasn't explaining it very well. He wasn't in his grove with the little boy. He needed to find it. It was hard when he was still tired and distracted.

But Noah's question still made him let out a small chuckle. His son loved beaches. Sometimes he thought they were living in the wrong place – or at least the wrong area of the city. Noah would live on a beach if he could. A beach at Nana and Popa's house likely sounded like a pretty good idea to him.

"No, sweets," he said with a small headshake. "We used the sandbags to try and keep the water from the hurricane out of the houses. Popa and I put bags of sand around Nana and Popa's, Uncle Rob's, and Uncle Tom's houses. The sand was in the bags – not on the ground."

Noah was still looking at his Lego pieces but it was clear his mind was churning as he worked to absorb that information – to picture it and understand it.

"What water, Dad?" he finally asked. "From the rain?" His head snapped up at that apparent revelation. "Mom!," he near yelled, "if we used sandbags here maybe we wouldn't have had to sleep in the basement?"

Will glanced at Olivia at that comment and raised his eyebrow.

"The basement? Did something happen?" he asked.

Something must've happened for his wife to leave the comfort of their bedroom that she'd basically considered a refuge from the moment they'd first toured the rental. Olivia didn't take Noah out of his bed willy-nilly either – especially not so soon after his lumbar puncture and not when he'd been complaining of headaches. And to share the lone couch in the basement with Noah and her now mother-in-law? Something must've happened.

Olivia just shrugged, though. "Likely overreacted," she said softly, almost a little embarrassed.

Will knew her admitting that she'd overreacted to anything was big. But he also knew that Liv didn't usually overreact. She had seen enough – lived through enough, dealt with enough, endured enough – that she usually had it more than together. She was usually stoic. This didn't sounded like the Olivia he knew.

"Branches were hitting the window upstairs," she said, rubbing at her eyebrow and keeping her eyes averted. "I didn't want Noah near the glass…just in case …"

He gave her foot a small knock with his and she glanced at him. "That was smart," he said quietly but she just shrugged and looked back to her own Legos.

It was pretty obvious that his wife had ended up more nervous in the storm than she wanted to let on. It wasn't just that she had missed him or been worried about him. She was rattled on her own accord too. But her diverted eyes made Will turn his attention back to Noah's inquiry.

"Not the rain really, Noah. Sometimes when a storm comes in – it brings a storm surge," he told him evenly – trying not to go too far into teacher-mode but trying to be clearer with him than he had with the sandbags. "So the wind, rain and tide all come together and the ocean water comes in much, much farther than it usually does. On the night of the storm, the ocean came all the way to Popa's street and house – and it stayed there until the storm went by and the tide started to go back out."

Will hoped that made sense to a six-year-old. They'd talked about tides and waves and oceans before. But he knew it was all out of context right now. Noah hadn't seen it. He didn't get the sense that Olivia had been letting him see any of the images on the news or the internet – and that was likely best. So – he was trying to continue to tread that line of being honest and real with his son - but also trying to calm him about what had happened, what he had seen and endured. Will didn't want to make it as scary as it actually had been. Because it had been scary.

Will and his father had stood in the upstairs windows and watched the storm. They'd eventually watched as the water slowly first crept through their backyards before pushing down into the basements and then across their front lawns and half-way out into the road before the tide finally started to recede and the water slowly went back out to sea with it. But the damage was already done.

He and Ted had been moving things around during the storm as the effects of the water hit and their sandbagging didn't hold as well as they hoped. They'd been down in the soggy basement – trying to get furniture, books, memories to higher ground and out of harm's way.

It'd been a quick effort – as Ted scrambled and barked about wanting to get into Rob's and Tom's houses too to try to save some of their belongings – the kids' toys and videogames, books and family photos, the entire teenager haven and hangout that made up Rob's basement. But there'd only been so much they could do.

There would've only been so much they could do if they were just trying to preserve his parents' house. When they were moving back-and-forth between the whipping wind, the flying objects, the pelting rain and the rising water – trying to get in-and-out of three houses – it'd been a near mission impossible.

There was damage. There was loss. But they did keep telling themselves – it could've been far, far worse. A block difference likely would've left them homeless rather than just in a state of major repairs.

Noah considered Will's mini-lesson and then looked up to his Daddy, concern painting across his face more. He'd seen the damage at the houses. He'd seen the damage on the drive and on his walk around their neighborhood with the mother. He'd heard the storm – seen the rain and wind. But the added information about the hurricane seemed to have confused him even more. That part hadn't been real for him yet – and it was likely too abstract for him to wrap his little head around completely.

"The ocean came to Popa's house?" Noah asked with a funny look on his face. Will just gave him a small nod. He could see his son churning that information more and his eyes went wide. "WERE THERE SHARKS? Did you and Popa have to swim with sharks?!"

Olivia let out a snort at that and shot Will a small smile before scooting closer to Noah and stroking at his head in an effort to calm him. Will wasn't sure if Noah was excited about the concept of sharks swimming around Tottenville or if he was slightly distraught at the possibility that he and his father had gotten to swim with sharks before he did.

Noah had become near obsessed with sharks since they'd registered his Wish as getting to go to Hawaii to swim with them. The logistics of the trip hadn't been established yet and they hadn't been given the final approval or the dates – or been told any of the arrangements at all. But it'd already turned into one of Noah's favorite topics of conversation. He was going to get to SEE VOLCANOES! SEE JURASSIC PARK! AND SWIM WITH SHARKS! He was pretty much telling anyone who would listen. He and Olivia were trying to temper it with reminders that they'd be staying on a nice resort and getting pool time and beach time. Maybe they'd do a bit more mundane (and realistic) Hawaii things too like learn to surf, go to a luau and visit Pearl Harbor.

Will had suggested the he thought Liv should learn to hula and give him a private performance. She hadn't seemed too game on that idea. It had actually been when she'd suggested he could take Noah to Pearl Harbor on his own and she'd spend the afternoon at the spa. He countered that if he had to spend a day in a cage in the ocean surrounded by sharks, the least she could do was indulge him in an afternoon of history at Pearl Harbor. She'd hummed-and-haed like that was a big request. But he'd known that was likely something on the list of things she wouldn't mind seeing off-resort before he'd even mentioned it.

"No, Noah, no sharks," Will submitted, in an attempt to curb a potential meltdown that his son had missed out on a big event. He had missed out on a big event – but an event that Will was pretty glad he missed. He was glad that his wife and son hadn't stayed. He was glad his mother and his brothers' wives and kids had left the area too. It was too dangerous and it was scary. And, it was so cold and depressing now during the long clean up.

"That's good, right, Dad? Because you don't like sharks?" Noah offered hopefully, maybe catching more and more onto his reserved tone and demeanor.

Will nodded. "I don't really like sharks," he agreed.

"Because you're scared of them," Noah put forward – more as a statement than a question. But it was a fair statement.

"I'm a little scared of them," Will admitted. "They have big teeth."

"But we face cancer every day and aren't scared, right Daddy? So we aren't scared of sharks."

Will gave him a small snort and briefly met Liv's eyes again. He gave the little boy a smile, though.

"That's what you and Mommy keep telling me," he nodded.

Will wasn't sure he agreed with the first part of the statement. He thought he was pretty scared of cancer. He thought Liv was pretty scared of cancer too. But neither of them were going to tell Noah that. And, Will already knew when they got to Hawaii and got taken out in that boat in the middle of the ocean with that floating plexi-glass cage – it wouldn't matter how much his heart was pounding out of his chest and how every ounce of his being would be telling him that it was the most ridiculous idea ever – he'd get into the water with his son and wife and share that experience and that minor triumph with them.

"Having the ocean and sand at Nana and Popa's house is kind of like having a beach," Noah added after a bit more thought. "It would've been neat if they could've still had the beach for us to play in."

Will allowed a thin smile at the little boy – who clearly still wasn't entirely understanding what had happened.

"It wasn't really like a beach, Noah," he allowed. "The water coming all the way up to Popa's house wasn't really a good thing."

He didn't want to rehash it. Not yet. Maybe later with his wife – in private. But not with his son. It'd only confuse him more and maybe scare him. He didn't need anymore concern or fear in his life.

Will, though, also didn't want to completely quash Noah's line of questioning. He and Olivia had firmly established that honesty was the best policy when it came to their son. Honest and age-appropriate answers – no matter the question. Sometimes it was hard. Sometimes it was awkward – for them. Sometimes it made them a little uncomfortable. But they hoped that as he grew up it would pay dividends in the kind of relationship they had with him. So Will knew it would likely agitate them all more, if Noah's questions went too coddled or went unanswered now.

And, apparently just saying it 'wasn't a good thing' was enough to penetrate some level of understanding into the boy. His eyes darkened a bit at that and met Will's filling with concern.

"The storm was scary here too," he said with such honesty and sympathy. "It was really loud. Were you scared, Daddy?"

Will gave a small nod. He had been. A lot of things had gone through his head. There were so many levels or worry and fear and concern. The power of nature – of life – sometimes just left things so far out of your control. He thought he'd gotten used to that as he and Olivia dealt with Noah's illness. But Sandy had brought it into an even greater perspective. Sometimes no matter how hard you fight – how much you prepare – there are larger forces at work that you just can't do anything about. You have to wait it out and then deal with the aftermath.

"Sometimes, yes, it was scary," Will allowed. "But Popa and I knew what we were doing. And we didn't do anything dangerous. So it was okay."

As Will said it, he reached out for his wife's hand - still wanting that extra contact, needing it in that moment. Liv squeezed his hand a bit. Even with just the squeeze, Will knew she was telling him that she knew there was more to all of it – to his string of thoughts – than what he was telling their little boy. That she was there for him and that she wanted them to talk about it later – when he was ready. He wanted that reassurance from her - that it was OK. He wasn't sure his wife fully realized and understood how OK she made things for him. He was able to believe things would be OK – because she helped him make it that way. He wouldn't be able to do it without her – not anymore. He wasn't sure had ever really had before.

"The storm gave me a headache," Noah said like the memory of it near pained him. "You weren't here to make it go away, Daddy."

"I know, sweets," Will said. "Mommy told me how bad your headache was. I'm sorry I wasn't here to help."

He'd felt so helpless when he'd still been able to reach Liv by phone ahead of the storm's landfall – and she'd told him about the headache that she just couldn't seem to help Noah with. He'd rehashed all his usual remedy methods with her but she'd maintained that none of them where working.

He could feel her frustration and concern. He knew she was scared he'd ripped his membrane again – that the blood patch had absorbed or shifted – that their son would be in the hospital again and need treatment or surgery again for it. That it was a spinal headache and a fluid leak.

He knew in the concern and fatigue and frustration and impatience Liv's head would be spinning towards if this would be what it was like after all his upcoming lumbar puncture chemo treatments. How'd they be able to handle that? The impact it would have on Noah's lives and their family's life - and their ability to work and function. And, Will's own frustration that he wasn't there to help – to calm Noah and her – had grown. It wasn't helped that he was battling his own migraine and dealing with the barks of his father as they prepared for Sandy's arrival. It only added to the misery of the whole situation.

"Nana said you had bad headaches when you were little too, Daddy. So that's why you're so good at making them go away. Did you have a storm headache too, Dad?"

Will nodded. "Yeah. I did."

"But Popa was there to make your headache go away? Because Popa taught you how to make headaches OK too when you were little?" Noah asked.

Will looked at the boy again from where he'd shifted some of his attention to the Lego project. He wasn't sure he liked where this conversation might be headed. Any talk that involved his father could be potentially strained – and he'd just spent a lot of time with his dad. It had been challenging in some ways. It always was. It was where he wanted to be – needed to be – at that time. But that didn't change the challenge of it. He and his dad would always be challenged.

They loved each other. They were working at trying to understand each other more. Will knew he cared. That had been made clear – especially over the last several months. But Ted had his own way of showing it. He didn't always show it in the ways Will would prefer.

"No, sweets he didn't." Will said softly, trying to give just enough tone to the statement to encourage Noah to change the subject.

Noah wasn't about to let it go. "But you know how to look after headaches because Popa taught you? Because that is what daddies do," he added with some confidence.

Will gave a small sigh. "No. Nana took care of my headaches when I was little. But I bet you got so see some of her special tricks the other night. She is good at headaches, too, bud," he trying to put a positive spin on it and to again redirect him. It didn't seem to work.

"But you know more about headaches than Mommy," Noah said with some confusion. How could his daddy know more about headaches than his mommy but Daddy's mommy and daddy be the opposite? "So why didn't your daddy take care of your headaches?"

Liv reached out to grab Will's hand, while also stroking at Noah's head, trying to slow his questions down. She gave Will a look. She was clearly putting forward the offer to intervene. But Will just shook his head slightly.

"It's OK. I've got it," he said softly.

Will took a breath – a slow and deep one, giving himself the opportunity to compose himself and to figure out the best way to answer. He then turned back to Noah.

"My dad worked lots," he said. "So he wasn't home that much."

Noah looked at him like that statement made absolutely no sense. "You work," the little boy said. "But you still make headaches go away, Dad. And do other daddy things."

Will snorted at that. He'd been doing 'daddy things' for Noah since he was two. He wished he'd been doing 'daddy things' for Noah since Day One. But he was grateful for the time he had. Still, he knew his 'daddy things' were different from other people's 'daddy things'. Or at least a lot of the 'daddy things' he did for Noah were things that his own dad hadn't necessarily done that well for him. He was trying to be the father that his father hadn't been.

It wasn't that his dad was bad. He was just … his dad. He worked – a lot – and when he wasn't at work … he didn't understand Will. He didn't have time to participate in interests that weren't tossing a ball around in the backyard. He was the old school disciplinarian. The bread-winner. The fire chief. He was Ted McTeague. Family dynasty meant something. But Will had spent a lot of his childhood wondering how much that family actually meant. They'd made steps – and some giant leaps – forward from all that in his 30s. They did better now. But his teens and his 20s … they'd be working the rest of their lives to truly repair it, Will thought. And that didn't even include the work alcoholic, shift worker, firefighter scheduled tours of duty – that robbed him of having a dad around for much of his childhood.

"Well, I don't work like my dad did, bud," was all he allowed, though. "I'm home at night, right?"

Noah just nodded but it was clear his little mind was still turning with thoughts in now trying to fit these puzzle pieces together. It was a heavy conversation for a little boy. Will wasn't a little boy – and he thought the whole line of questioning they'd been working through was pretty intense.

"My Dad couldn't always come home," he tried again. "He was busy at work."

Noah seemed to pause his restless movements with the blocks to think for a bit, then looked up at Will. "Like Mommy?" he asked.

Will moved closer to the boy and rubbed his back a bit, realizing where Noah's little head may be going. What if his mom got too busy with work to come home? What if she just didn't come home?

"No. Not like Mommy," Will assured. "Mommy always wants to be home with you. She tries really, really, really hard to be home every night. And even when she can't be home at bedtime, she always comes in and gives you a kiss goodnight, no matter what, right?"

Noah looked down and said softly, "Expect when she was shot."

Will nodded, "Expect then. Then Mommy gave me firm instructions - I had to give you her kisses for her."

Liv's face lit up a bit in a smile at that point. And, she gave Will's hand another squeeze.

Olivia may have a job with long, difficult hours. She might get called out in the middle of the night or on her days off. She might get stuck on the job while after quitting time because one supposed human-being had done something awful to another human being. But she always came home. She always made a beeline for her son as soon as she got in the door – no matter if he was a sleep or awake. There were hugs and kisses. She treasured her family – her son. She wanted to be there with them. She struggled about her job and her absences. She made time. She took up hobbies and interests that weren't her own to relate to her child any way she could. She thought for him and loved him. She wasn't like Ted at all in so many ways when it came to her work. Her work might drive her too. It might be a defining factor in her life and existence. But Noah would never think that her job came before him and he'd never be made to feel his needs or his interests were irrelevant.

"Popa didn't give you good night kisses when he came home?" Noah said with a touch of disbelief.

Ted was affectionate with his grandchildren. Olivia had pointed out more than once that it was likely his haphazard way of trying to make up for past mistakes and things he had missed while Will and his brothers had been growing up. But it meant that Noah hadn't really seen that other side of him. Will didn't necessarily think that was a bad thing. And he didn't want to say bad things about Noah's Popa to the boy. He could talk to Liv about some of his trials and tribulations growing up and his relationship then – and now – with his family. But that was information and baggage that Noah didn't need – not now. Will wasn't sure if he'd need it when he was older either.

"Nope." Maybe shorter answers would bring a quicker end to the questions, Will thought.

Noah just continued with his demands. "BUT WHY?"

Will shrugged. "Don't know. Maybe he was tired."

Noah, sensing there may be some sadness in the room now, got up and shuffled over to his daddy, effectively planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Mommy and I give you lots of kisses known though, right Mom?" Noah encouraged of his mother as he now wrapped his arms around Will into a hug.

Liv smiled. "We do," she agreed. "Daddy is one of my favorite people to hug and kiss."

She leaned in planted a peck on Will's cheek. He snorted and looked at her, and as he turned his head a bit to meet her eyes, she leaned in again and planted another quick, light kiss against his lips.

"Ewwwwwww" said Noah, with a mischievous gleam in his eye. He loved the eww-factor.

"Noah and Mommy kisses and hugs are the best kisses and hugs I could ask for," Will said, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth as he danced his eyes at his wife.

Noah took that momentarily distraction as an invitation to plant his face against his father's cheek and let loose a hefty farting blow-fish kiss against his face. It was so huge that Olivia could almost feel the vibrations of it in Will's opposite cheek where her face was still resting lightly. She laughed and Will started rumbling with laughter too – though trying to keep it in. That was probably about the grossest best kiss he could ever ask for.

Liv put her forehead against the side of his head and still held onto his neck as she shook with her own laugh. Noah seemed to think he was a comic genius for earning that fit of giggles from his parents and planted himself in his dad's lap and looked up at them.

"I'm glad you're home, Daddy," Noah said, resting his cheek against Will's still vibrating chest. "We missed you."

Will just wrapped his arms around him. "I'm glad to be home – with my two favorite people too."

"Favoriter than Nana and Popa?" Noah asked with some disbelief again.

Will smiled down at him. "Way favoriter than Nana and Popa. After all, they don't know anything about blow-fish kisses."

Olivia laughed and placed her mouth against his cheek and tried to deliver her own but was laughing too hard for it to be that effective beyond a slobbery pucker mark.

"HEY!" Will protested and reached up swiping at the spit she'd left there. But she just laughed harder.

"NO MOM, YOU DO IT LIKE THIS!" Noah said and leaped at her, near wrestling her willing to the ground, where he let loose another huge one on her cheek.

"Yeah, like that," Will agreed and got down on the other side of her and delivered his own - all three of them melting into giggles and sillies on the floor. He was so glad to be home.

**As a note to readers who may have missed it … I did a Liv/Will Valentine's O/S that's called Valentine's Tease, if you want to check it out.**

**Countdown to the end of Undeserved in THREE (as in this is three and you've got two more chapters until this is done - 225 chapters total)...**

_**Thanks to an anonymous friend for the help and inspiration in getting this chapter pulled together and out.**_


	224. Chapter 224

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"No – you put that down, Olivia," Ted barked out in an order. "You made us dinner. Will and I will clean up."

Olivia wasn't much for taking orders from Ted (or anyone), but she wasn't going to complain about not having to clean up after dinner. He was right – she did cook for them all. It only seemed fair that the men cleaned up.

It was a deal that her and Will seemed to have settled into since living together. Whoever cooked managed to avoid clean-up. Though, in reality, a lot of the time they ended up loitering around and helping the other even if it wasn't their turn to do the particular chore. It was visiting time, socializing time, catch-up time, together time. Still, sometimes she'd prefer to have Noah-time when she got home if Will looked set in the kitchen. Or if she'd made dinner – she'd deal with any leftover Grade 1 'homework' assignments, starting to wind him down for the night or just generally again taking advantage of TV-time or playtime with her son.

The cook-clean dynamic seemed to be something Will had grown up with to an extent. Though, more as an agreement between with mother, who'd do the cooking while the dishes were assigned to him and his brothers. She didn't get the sense that Ted was around at dinnertime much to ever help with that cooking. Though, the man did know how to make a mean breakfast and was rather attached to being a grille master. So, she supposed, he did his share of the cooking around the house too – in his own way.

It was yet another contrast to the lives and childhoods that her and Will had had. Really any time she spent with Will's parents – especially when it included meals -seemed to bring that so much more to light. She wondered when some of it would become less jarring.

As much as she knew the city was a place of diverse lifestyles and cultures and incomes and values – as much as she'd been exposed to that in so many ways not just at work, but in life in general – she still sometimes found it strange that her and Will had both technically grown up in New York. His lifestyle and childhood out on Staten Island had been so different than hers - raised by a single mother, kicking around Columbia's campus and living in an apartment in Manhattan throughout her youth.

Her and her mother definitely didn't have a cook-clean dynamic. On good days (when she wasn't drunk or depressed or just angry), her mother would take them out for dinner. Olivia had pretty much been raised eating in restaurants – some of them pretty nice ones. But on bad days, it was just expected that she would've had a meal prepared for Serena when she arrived home – even if she hadn't been told to do so and had no warning that it was going to be one of those bad days. Her cleaning up the mess from it – and the rest of the apartment – was just expected as well.

There wasn't much of a give-and-take between her and her mother most of the time. As much as she loved her mother – she wasn't much of a mother most of time, especially as she got older. It seemed like she could tolerate her less the older she got. But, at least the chores and household duties when she'd been a child had meant that she managed not to be completely clueless when she finally became a mother and wife herself. Or least she wasn't when it came to cooking, cleaning and general household management.

Still, she'd been somewhat nervous about making dinner for Will's parents – Ted, in particular. They just ate so differently than them – differently than anything she'd routinely cook for her husband or son.

It wasn't like they hadn't had Ted and May over for dinner before. But generally they made it a takeout night. Getting takeout in the city seemed to be some sort of grand novelty for Will's parents. She hadn't eaten enough takeout in Staten Island (beyond pizza and Chinese) to have a true concept of what was available over there. But she got the sense from Will that it was disgusting. Though, Will painted most things to do with life and culture on Staten Island as being sub par compared to the Manhattan experience. There was more than one reason he decided to escape the clutches of his family and move into the real city.

If they didn't get takeout – May would almost undoubtedly drag supposed leftovers (Olivia often got the sense she cooked at home that day and brought over the food in the evening because she feared that they didn't know how to use the stove in the brownstone or something). If it wasn't leftovers, it would be enough fixings to make a meal for a small army and May would completely overtake the kitchen – maybe allowing Olivia to be her sous chef, if she was lucky.

But Will had made clear that his diet had been limited while stuck on the Island in the aftermath of the storm. He'd missed his veggies. He'd missed his regular diet. He wanted some real nutrients. And, really, Olivia thought he could use them too. They all could. So even though they were having May and Ted over – it really was Will she was cooking for. Still, she'd feared that might meant his parents would politely try to reject the meal she put in front of them.

She'd gathered up all the vegetables they had in the house and made a run out to the market to collect what she could too. Beyond the visible damage of downed trees and some tattered signs, storefronts and windows – the Upper West Side had mostly settled back into daily life. Still, with the fuel shortage and ability to enter and move about the city somewhat compromised, the fresh produce section hadn't been as nice as they'd normally expect and what had been there was kind of picked over. But she'd managed to collect enough zucchini, broccoli, carrots, onions, a variety of colored peppers, string beans, cauliflower, snap peas, bok choy and baby corn to make the kind of hearty stir-fry that no only Will – but her and Noah – usually enjoyed.

She'd decided to serve it with couscous, even though she knew that rice would likely appease Ted and May's palettes more. But they only had brown rice and Ted had previously given her a rather lengthy rant about the awfulness of brown rice. She wasn't sure that he'd think couscous was much of an improvement. Will, though, always favored the grain when they were adding a starch to their meals. And – when she got down to it – again, the meal was technically for Will. She did, however, let May putter about with marinating a few chicken breasts. She hoped that would appease both of them. It gave May something to do while she was gaping at what Olivia was doing in the kitchen and it would maybe satisfy Ted's meat obsession.

Olivia had actually been surprised that not only had her in-laws given her some nice comments about the meal – that didn't just seem like polite niceties - they had actually seemed to devour the food. She exchanged a few looks of surprise with Will as his parents wolfed down their plates piled with veggies. She wondered if maybe they'd been missing the vitamins and nutrients of real, healthy food in the aftermath of Sandy too. But May had seemed almost too impressed with the dinner for it to be just that.

"Couscous?" she'd asked a couple times – clarifying again and again that was actually what it was called. She'd finally just looked at Ted and gone, "I think we should add this to the pantry."

Ted had let out a grunt that seemed to be in agreement – or about as much of an agreement you could ever get out of Ted.

Meanwhile, what he'd seemed particularly fascinated with had been the baby corn.

"Tastes nothing like corn on the cob," he'd muttered at one point while examining one on his fork. "But say hello to its little, midget friend."

"You've had baby corn," Will had sighed likely thinking his father was about to be his father and reject the meal. "They have it at that … wonderful … salad bar at Ricky's," he said a little sarcastically.

Ted had examined him. "You hate Ricky's," he'd replied.

Will had shrugged. "With how much you frequent it – you must've noticed the baby corn at the salad bar."

Ted snorted at that. "I get the soup. I'm not a rabbit."

Will had looked at Olivia and rolled his eyes. But Ted continued eating his meal – routinely commenting on the corn every time he managed to get one on his fork. It quickly became apparent, though, that the 'midget corn' commentary was mostly for Noah's benefit. The little boy had latched onto it like it was about the most hysterical thing he'd heard in eons and turned it into his mission to dig all the remaining 'midgets' out of the serving bowl.

"Sweets, stop that," Olivia had instructed gently and tried to pull the bowl away from him as he dug around it with the big spoon – effectively working at turning the remaining vegetables into chop suey, as opposed to stir fry – in his search. "If you want more – just take a spoonful. Don't dig and pick. You're being rude."

But Will had thought it was sort of funny. "Let him eat," he'd told her quietly. But his eyes had been laughing at Noah's efforts and not looking at her.

She'd managed to just let it go at that point. Will was right. She should be happy he was eating. And, in the end, all the food would look the same on the way out – whether it looked like vegetables now or it looked like leftovers dug through by a six-year-old in search of midgets.

Still, she wasn't really sure the baby corn being dubbed midgets was really a necessary Ted-ism. But the reality was that Ted could've made any of several comments that night and she likely would've just let it all slide. She was just relieved that the stubborn ass had caved and managed to come into the city – and the brownstone – that night.

In Will's first day home – and her extended efforts to warm him up, to get him some rest, to get him feed, to mentally and emotionally calm him down – his vague and fractured accounts of the storm and the mess that the whole family would be spending the coming weeks and months cleaning up, only raised her concerns more.

She was worried about both Ted and May's health – physically, mentally and emotionally – being in that house in the aftermath. There still wasn't any heat, electric or water. They were in a cold house with no real nutrients or a proper way to warm-up or refresh themselves. Ted was far too stubborn to head to any of the shelters – even to warm up or to get a hot meal. He was staying in his home – and taking care of the situation. It was his way.

Olivia understood. But it didn't mean she had to like it. They were well in their 60s. They had some health issues – and they'd just witnesses a significant part of their families' lives be washed away. They needed a change of scenery and some support from their children. They weren't super heroes or Greek gods. It was time for them to start accepting help – after years and decades of providing it to their children, their communities, and just others.

So it had been her who'd initially said to Will that she thought they should push again – get in touch with them and convince them to come over, at least for one night. Get them warmed up, fed, showered, and sleeping in a comfortable (or semi – comfortable makeshift) bed. Then it'd be the weekend. They could all go back out there – at least sort of refreshed – and get back to work on their flailing attempts to inch back towards normalcy.

It'd been challenging getting a hold of them. Communication in the city was still so spotty – and it was worse when trying to reach the areas that had real devastation in them. It'd taken her long enough just to get Elliot on the phone – FINALLY – to confirm that he and his family had weathered the storm OK. Reaching Ted and May with cell phones that they seemed to barely understand how to use and a landline that didn't seem to be working (or they just weren't around to be answering) had been frustrating.

It had ended up feeling like an old-fashioned game of Telephone – where they'd finally managed to reach Tom how'd passed along the message to his parents and May had eventually called Will. She'd seemed rather grateful for the offer and had near jumped through the phone at the chance to return to a warm bed and warm shower after barely two days back at the house. Ted, though, had taken a bit more convincing. May, however, was a bit of an expert at getting what she wanted from her husband – ultimately. He seemed to realize that his wife had needed a break rather quickly and the call had again been returned to indicate that they'd be making their way to the Upper West Side that evening.

"Noey, why don't you take Nana and show her the exciting spaceship thing," Ted instructed, standing from his own place at the table and removing the plates Olivia had started collecting from her hands. "Take your mom along with you."

He nodded at all of them like it was non-negotiable. It seemed like with Ted it wasn't really ever negotiable. From the glimpses Will gave of his childhood – it never had been either.

Noah liked the proposition that was being suggested, though. He'd been trying to drag his grandparents into the epic Lego project that they'd brought into their lives since the moment they'd walked in the door. So far they'd managed to avoid it. Ted loved spoiling Noah with Lego but he wasn't much for helping with the logistical puzzle of putting it together – especially the nightmarishly big and age-inappropriate sets that he favored buying. Another thing Will had said hadn't much changed. Though, at least Ted was trying with the Lego purchasing and the Star Wars doting – that was several steps ahead of what he'd managed with Will when he was a child.

Noah didn't really care that Popa wasn't going to take a look at the moment, though. Nana was just as good. Nana was likely a much better captive audience – and he immediately jumped from his chair and grabbed at May's wrist.

"Com'on Nana!" he told her enthusiastically. "I'll show you. We finished the cockpit! It has laser cannons and they move and fire! You can be Princess Leia. She has a gun but that's OK. It's a blaster not a gun. So it's not real."

He thought about that for a moment but then turned aghast to Olivia. "But who will you be MOM?" he demanded to know.

She usually got assigned Leia – because she was a girl. She actually had lodged complaints with him on that before. She'd seen enough Star Wars to have decided that Leia was pretty lame. Will had pointed out that she seemed sort of bad ass to him – and she slept with Han Solo, who tended to be the character Will was assigned (unless he was assigned making Wookie noises – then all bets were off). So her being Leia seemed appropriate to him. Olivia, though, thought she'd much rather prefer to be Darth Vader or Darth Maul or … Darth anything with a fancy lightsaber and cool moves.

"You get that the 'Darth Whatevers' are the bad guys," Will had clarified her when she wasn't heeding Noah's protests one day as she picked out an action figure from his ever-growing collection of the plastic toys. "You should likely be a Jedi."

She'd looked at him. "I don't want to be a Jedi. They're weird and egoistically annoying. I want to be a Darth," she'd informed him flatly with the near seriousness that Noah included in all his Star Wars discussions.

Will had looked at her like he wanted to laugh his head off at the comment but had managed to just shrug and look away – likely still trying to contain himself. Later, in the couple hours privacy they managed to get alone between Noah going down for the night and him being up needing something, she'd asked him what was so funny.

He'd commented, "Besides any of that coming out of your mouth – they aren't Darths, Liv. They're Sith. It's funny because you try but you still sound like a girl. A noob girl. It's cute."

She didn't like the way his eyes were still laughing at her. And for some reason she HATED when he called her 'a girl'. But the fact she hated it – seemed to only prompt him to tease her with it more. It was some sort of little joke between them. It had resulted in her slapping him across the chest with the back of her hand. The teasing about that being such a 'girly hit' had then resulted in some minor play wrestling on the couch, which had rather predictably resulted in kissing (though, she'd been the one who'd over-powered him – easily – that particular time and had initiated it) and eventually them moving to the bedroom. Half-the-time, she thought that was Will's plan all the time with his 'girl' talk, 'noob' talk, his geek-talk making fun of her fragment geek-talking efforts. He drove her crazy – and apparently won.

"I'll be Obi Wan Kenobi," she suggested to Noah as she followed him and May into the living room.

Noah gaped at her. "MOM! You can't be Obi Wan!"

"Why not? I like his bathrobe," she teased, caressing the side of Noah's head, knowing that was going to get a reaction.

"It's a Jedi cloak, Mom! See – you don't even know!" he'd protested but dove into the ongoing project to start playing show-and-tell with his grandma.

Will had watched from the dining room for a moment. Smiling as Noah picked up each of the mini-figures and explained who they were – pulling off their heads and accessories and then snapping them back together in the explanation. Then he dived into what they'd managed to get together of the Millennium Falcon so far – pointing out the different components in the bridge: the control panels, the rec area with the boardgame table, the chairs, the cockpit, the flick missiles and the rotating laser cannons.

Will probably would've preferred to be in there getting to play too – not stuck having to dry dishes with his father. But he picked up the remainder of what was on the table – that he hadn't managed to find space for on the sill of the serving window, since Ted seemed to not be taking notice of anything there while he started the wash. He carried a load into the kitchen instead and dropped them on the counter near the sink his father had taken over.

"That thing going together good?" Ted had asked.

It was pretty clear that Ted didn't really have any idea what he'd bought for Noah as his 'wedding present'. But Will had been impressed that his dad – or maybe his mom – had picked up on Noah talking about the Millennium Falcon set enough that he'd made note of its name and had actually been able to find it. It wasn't the easiest set to find. They likely would've had to order it online or even make an unannounced trip into the city to pick it up at the Lego Store. Though, he supposed that they might've had Rob go over one day after work and do that for them.

But however they came about getting it – them noting it, thinking of it, arranging the purchase and giving it to the little boy meant a lot. It meant a lot to Will in terms of family time too – since it was being treated as a family wedding gift and a family project – even though it was clearly for Noah. It still felt like it was for him – and for Liv – in a way too. And, all the better it'd been them who had bought it – because with an age 9-14 age recommendation and a near $200 price tag, Will knew he would've been waiting years before Olivia would even consider it and then they would've had many birthday and Christmas battles more before she'd relent on spending that kind of money on any kind of toy.

Will could see the benefits of having a grandma and grandpa for Noah. They could get away with things that he couldn't in spoiling Noah. He liked that. He thought that maybe Olivia did too – secretly (she'd never admit it, he didn't think), and Noah definitely did. The little boy knew he had Nana and Popa wrapped around his little finger. It was funny – but dangerous.

"It's going," Will had allowed. "We're making progress. It's a big set, Dad. It's going to take a while to get it finished."

Ted nodded. "Bigger's better," he commented. "Size matters."

Will snorted and rolled his eyes a bit. Sometimes he couldn't decide if years working in a male-dominated environment surrounded by young men that he was supposed to be molding had turned his dad to the more than occasional inappropriate innuendoes – or if that was just his dad. He definitely saw it in Tom too. Sometimes he thought it was more likely just genetic.

He knew Liv could handle herself – and that most of the time, his dad's comments didn't bother or even faze her (sometimes he thought she didn't even notice). He knew that she'd dealt with worse and was exposed to that kind of language and jokes and mentality at work – both with the guys and the bad guys. And, he also knew – from her pointing out more than once – that he was more of the prude in the relationship than her. He thought that was likely a sad commentary on both of them – since he thought they were both kind of uptight, slightly boring and definitely very, VERY vanilla. But it still bothered him when his dad let some of that little commentary slide around his wife. It was inappropriate he thought – around a woman, and his wife, and a sex crimes cop.

But Olivia had told him to just leave it. If something rubbed her the wrong way – most of the time she let Ted know. Though, Will didn't think that Olivia would come down on his father for anything that night. She was clearly concerned about his parents' well-being following the storm – a surprising amount really. Maybe the wedding – and getting to spend some time in the storm with his mother – had been good for them? For building their relationship as an extended family? Maybe it was another hidden positive of Sandy?

"You kids getting excited about that game?" Ted asked, though, pulling Will's train of mind back into the present, where his dad was busy sloshing around loudly in the sink – drowning out the prattle going on in the living room – as he worked to get the seasoning off one of the pans from dinner.

Will felt himself inwardly sigh at his dad being the one to bring up Game 7. He and Liv had been talking about it – and he knew it was one of the topics of discussion he needed to get to with his father that visit. Though, Will had been waiting for the right time and moment (he'd kind of thought it might be as they were heading out the door so it wouldn't be too extended of conversation). This didn't feel like it.

"Yeah, about that …" Will answers slowly, becoming very interested in the items waiting on the drying rack for him – anything to avoid eye contact. "I don't think we are going to end up going, Dad …"

Ted's whole body turned rigid at that comment and his head snapped in Will's direction.

"What?" he barked. Will was sure Olivia had likely heard that from the living room – even above the clean-up and Noah's chatter. She'd known that they were entering the kill zone in conversation time. He could almost feel her listening from the next room.

"Do you have any idea what we spent on those tickets, William?" Ted asked loudly. "I know you do. We didn't all chip in for those seats just to toss away the money we've got, son. We got them for you to use – AND YOU WILL USE THEM."

Will sighed a bit more loudly and glanced at his dad. He felt badly chastised but he'd known that this was likely how the conversation was going to go. Still, in talking with Olivia, he'd maintained that this is what he wanted to do. It was what he thought was best. They had other things to think about at the moment – more important things than a baseball game.

Liv been a little soft on if she was in agreement. She'd indicated she understood where he was coming from – but also said she thought it would be a little insulting to his family for them not to go, assuming the game went ahead in the city as scheduled. And, she'd a little worried about Noah's reaction too. But she'd ultimately said that they were a gift from his family and it was something that he had wanted to do for years – so she'd leave the final say on the matter with Will while also letting him be the one to deal with it in breaking the news to his parents. And, though, it'd been support (while somewhat politically correct of her) she'd offered, Will had still gotten the sense she was a little disappointed too.

He'd moved forward with his decision, though. He needed to be focusing on getting his parents and his brothers' families back on their feet – especially after everything they'd done for them at the wedding reception, barely a week ago. It seemed wrong for him, Liv and Noah to be going out and having a big night while the rest of his family was struggling – while Tottenville was struggling and Staten Island and giant swaths in other areas of New York. The timing was wrong. It just wasn't meant to be. It wasn't right. Not now.

"Dad, please …" Will tried to say calmly – trying to get his father to understand and to not just react. "It's just … everything that's happened. With the houses … even the city … New York is still in survival mode. They cancelled the marathon … finally. I don't know they should even be having the game here and even if they do … I just feel like … we shouldn't be going."

Ted huffed. "That ridiculous marathon and the World Series are completely different things …" he started but Will more forcibly interjected, not letting his father finish.

"We need to be helping, Dad," Will pushed out firmly. "Olivia and I want to be helping you. We don't want to be … taking resources. Taking away resources. Pretending like the storm didn't happened. It happened.

"We could try to sell the tickets," he suggested. "Use the money to get you guys started on replacing some stuff … making some repairs."

Ted snorted at that and looked at his son. "Insurance will cover most of our needs."

"That's going to take forever," Will mumbled a bit more quietly.

"Well don't you worry about that," Ted barked out again. "I don't want you worrying about that," he softened and pulled his hands out of the sink, grabbing a hand towel and drying them before dropping a heavy palm onto Will's one shoulder. "I don't need you worrying about anything else right now but your family. That's enough. And, those tickets, son, were meant for you and your family to go out together and to see and do something amazing. To create a really great memory together. That's what we want for you all."

Will looked at his dad. There was still a firmness to Ted's eyes - a clarity that he was likely going to win the battle. But there was also a softness there – a genuine concern and dismay that they'd be giving up going to the event.

"You guys are our family too," Will said.

He saw a glint in his father's eyes. It seemed like Ted was almost surprised that he'd acknowledged it on quite those terms. Will supposed maybe he didn't really verbalize it to them ever in quite that manner. He had his baggage with his family. He had his issues and challenges that he was still working through. But they were his family. He loved them as much as he knew they loved them. He wouldn't leave them hanging out to dry.

"There are plenty of things we need to focus on right now, Dad," he tried. "We are capable of being focused on more than one thing at once. This family's life isn't all about us. We don't want it to be all about us. You guys can barely live in your houses right now. You and Mom. Tom and Becky – their kids. Rob. That's way bigger than anything we're dealing with right now."

Ted shook his head and tapped his shoulder again. "I don't think so, boy. Houses – communities – they rebuild."

Will looked at his dad. He knew Ted was trying to suggest - without saying it - that always, always, always spending time with Noah, creating memories with Noah, was going to take priority. Always. Will appreciated that. But he just … was having so much trouble accepting that in the moment. Noah was OK in the moment. His parents, his brothers, their kids … they weren't.

"I feel guilty, OK?" Will finally spat out and looked away, grabbing a handful of utensils off the drying rack to start toweling and tossing into the appropriate slots in the appropriate drawer. "I feel really fucking guilty," he mumbled and turned his head. He hated when his dad got wind of any emotions in him and it felt like that had been happening too often lately.

Ted had completely stilled any of his movements in the kitchen at that and watched Will as he cluttered around avoiding eye contact.

"What are you guilty about?" Ted said with a bit of an edge to his voice. "That you live over here? That the nice home you've got set up for your wife and son didn't take damage?" Ted paused and then jutted his chin off to the kitchen window and their back garden. "Expect that patio," he offered a little teasingly. "Think we need to send you back with a saw or something to deal with getting all that debris out of there."

Will gave him a small snort at that and glanced out the window too. It looked like a tornado had hit their walled garden. It was sort of funny looking down into the gardens of their neighbors from up in the window of their bedroom too. All the little walled sections had become a dumping ground for what had gone flying around the Upper West Side it seemed. It also looked like most of their neighbors were being just as slow on the get-go of getting it cleaned up too. He assumed a lot of them had families in other areas of the city too that they were busy trying to help pick up the pieces. It made some garbage, branches and other stray debris seem like just a bit of litter at the moment. Not a priority.

"Will – hundreds of thousands of people in this city walked away from Sandy with no clean up. You think they feel guilty? No," Ted said. "They're thankful that their homes and families got through the storm unscathed. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. You think we aren't feeling guilty? You saw was it looks like going down to the shore. If we were a few dozen yards one way or the other – both would've meant different outcomes for our home. You think it feels fair that we've still got our houses standing with a soggy lawn and some soggy carpets and wrecked furniture while the Rileys and the MacGregors don't have homes anymore? While we've got families in our community with no place to go and lost family members? It's not fair. But you win some and you lose some. We made out better on this round than others. You made out a bit better than us. But you've lost other rounds, William. So don't go beating yourself up over what the houses look like. Don't use it as some sort of excuse."

Will didn't make any comment but he processed it. It wasn't often that he and his dad had much that resembled real talks. It felt like they were doing more of it lately, though. It was taking some getting used to. It was weird to talk to his dad. To feel like he was actually being heard but to also make himself actually listen to what the man said in return – because his father was definitely trying. They were working at creating a real relationship rather than just acknowledging they were father and son. It was something he'd want for him and Noah. He needed to learn how to set that example.

"Look," Ted had added when Will hadn't replied. "That boy of yours deserves the game. The look on his face when he realized what those tickets were? Almost better than yours, son. Still tugs at the insides thinking about it. Olivia needs it too. She deserves a break. She deals with too much. You all do. Go out. Eat some fried food. Hotdogs and beer. Buy her some peanuts and Cracker Jacks – I don't know if she even eats any of that."

Will snorted at that whimsical effort. But just looked at his dad. "She knows how to eat like a cop," he said.

It was true. Some of the things he saw Olivia put into her mouth were disgusting. It'd be particularly gross when he'd first met her. But he supposed between age, metabolism and then Noah getting sick – she'd changed her diet rather significantly in the period they'd known each other. He liked to think he'd influenced some of it too – but he didn't want to be too delusional or let his ego get too big.

"Doesn't show," Ted commented drily and gave Will a sly look. "Never seen it."

Will shook his head a bit again and took another plate off the rack. "She eats your barbecue."

His father gave him a hearty smack on the back with that. "Of course she eats my barbecue. You're about the only one in all of New York who's finicky about my barbecue."

Will snorted and rolled his eyes. He liked his dad's barbecue fine – when it wasn't pork.

"Give her a night out with her boys," Ted said, moving on. "Your family deserves this. You deserve it, Will," he ended firmly.

Will looked at him at that. His father rarely told him he 'deserved' anything – for all the effort he put into getting the things he had. But his gaze must've made Ted uncomfortable because he pushed again firmly in tone, though he dropped his hands back into the sink loudly.

"And, I'm not going to stand here and listen to all these reasons you aren't going. YOU'RE GOING – AND you're going to love it. NYC needs this win. The morale boost. Yankees better deliver. Much better chance of that happening if Noey's in attendance. Statistical fact."

Will snorted again at that. "I don't know, Dad," he admitted. "I think there's a pretty big margin of error in that equation."

"Hey," Ted said and a big index finger came out of the sink and jabbed into his chest, leaving a wet mark. "Every game that boy's attended those Pinstripers have gotten a win. We aren't taking any chances on Game 7 this year. Noey's gotta be in those stands."

Will smiled a little involuntarily at the assertion – but Ted's hand had dropped away and returned to the dishes. It was clear the conversation was over.

He stood just drying the dishes as they came for several minutes. In the quiet he could still hear Noah still chattering at his Nana about Lego – specifically the complexities of the Lego lightsabers that had come with the kit for the little mini-figures. It sounded ridiculous and he was sure his mother could careless. But it made him smile some more.

Will craned his head out the serving window a bit, just making out where Olivia was sitting crossed-legged on the ground with Noah pulled in her lap, her arms lightly wrapped around him, as the little boy gave his animated conversation and demonstration to his grandmother.

Will thought his dad was likely right – to a point. Noah and Olivia did deserve a night out. Even though Liv hadn't argued with his reasoning - or told him it was a poor decision – he'd seen the hint of disappointment in her face too. He always hated to be the one to disappoint her. Olivia was too used to having to make sacrifices – to dealing with tough times and just putting on a strong face. He didn't want to be one of the reasons she was having to put on a strong face to mask how she really felt. She deserved to have some levity. She deserved the distraction. She needed to get moments – and things – to enjoy. He needed her to have those things. He wanted her to. Not to mention – as much as he hated disappointing Olivia, he found it near devastating to disappoint Noah. And, honestly, if Will stopped and was truthful with himself – he really fucking wanted to go too.

"OK, Dad," Will finally managed to say quietly and a little sheepishly. He hated admitting he was wrong. He thought he might hate admitting his father was right even more. But his dad was right in this. His family needed a night out. They might've been spared immediate devastation from Sandy. But they'd dealt with their share during the rest of the year. "We're going."

Ted glanced at him from the sink and gave a small nod like he was just going to leave it at that. But Will felt himself not wanting to just let him win on that point and felt a little smirk pull at his mouth.

"Besides," Will mumbled, "how often am I going to be able to get my wife to publicly display my name across her back?"

It earned a small smile from his father, though it quickly turned the same knowing smirk. "Atta boy," Ted said, still grinning as he turned back to the dishes.

He'd won. But it was a win for all of them. Hopefully it might result in the win for the Yankees – and the city too. Then Ted would really bask in his rightness.

**Countdown to the end of Undeserved in TWO (as in this is two and you've got one more chapters until this is done - 225 chapters total)...**

_**Thanks to an anonymous friend for the help and inspiration in getting this chapter pulled together and out.**_


	225. Chapter 225

**Title: Undeserved**

**Author: ZombieJazz**

**Fandom: Law & Order: SVU**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.**

**Summary: The bad hand Olivia's been dealt continues - this time with real implications for her son. She and Will, along with the help of her work colleagues, work at navigating the devastating news and the new developments it brings to their lives.**

**Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague. It won't devolve from that - they aren't ever going to get together in this series. If you're an E/O shipper, you likely won't enjoy these stories. The timeline is a little loose and since most of the stories ultimately takes place outside of the work environment, there aren't too many references to cases from the show. But this series would generally be starting in about Season 12/13 of the show. It assumes Elliot hasn't left SVU yet. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.**

"And up," Will said. Then with his hands wedged under Noah's armpits, he yanked the boy's feet off the ground and pulled him up to full height about him, dipping his head a bit to try to get him settled on his shoulders. Olivia ended up reaching up and guiding her son's legs and ass into place. Noah was still small for his age – but he was still getting big enough that it wasn't quite as easy to just toss him up and on top of either of them for easy transport. Even them toting him around the hospital or the house when he was sulky and not feeling well was getting a little more complicated as his stunted growth slowly gave him tiny spurts here-and-there – hints that maybe his height and weight might eventually normalize when all his health struggles were said-and-done.

Noah didn't seem to even realize that it had taken both of his parents to get him into place on his Daddy's shoulders, though, and contently flopped his baseball mitt heavily onto Will's head and leaned against it.

"Oww. Geez, Noah. Be careful," Will said and sort of twisted his head to glance up at him.

Olivia snorted and stuck out her hand up to her son. "Here, give me your glove, sweets," she said.

If Will thought wearing a glove as a hat was uncomfortable, he was in for a shock. He'd purchased Noah a giant white and navy foam finger nearly as soon as they got out of the subway. (Noah was gleeful about getting the accessory – that he'd previously begged for at other games. But they'd strategically avoided purchasing it, telling him, if he wanted it he could use his allowance. It's appeal quickly faded when he realized how many weeks of full allowance – no swearing or arguing and completing all his homework and chores without any of his earnings ending up in the swear jar or naughty jar – it would take to have the finger.) Daddy was being a bit of a sucker that day. Olivia knew they were both going to be. They'd discussed it. Noah could get a souvenir and if the Yankees did win – they'd be dealing with the masses to buy him a cap or tshirt. Olivia would've preferred he waited until they at least got a few more steps away from 161 St. before deciding he wanted a finger. She knew when he started seeing other options: silly bands, bracelets, stuffies, backpacks and slingpacks, super hero capes, water bottles and just about any piece of clothing he set his eyes on (because Mommy and Daddy and Nana and Popa and Uncle Rob and Aunt Karen hadn't supplied him with enough Yankees paraphernalia at birthdays and Christmas over the years) – he was going to want all them too. Then her and Will would likely end up standing there having a hushed discussion about whether the finger really counted as a souvenir or if it was a 'just because' purchase – one of Will's favorite things. So she thought maybe for the moment Will deserved what he got, which with Noah already gripping at his dad's head while wearing the finger – meant that he was getting foam in the face and over the eyes, repeatedly and bouncily with every step.

"Kid, cut that out," Will demanded playfully again as the finger again whapped in his face. "I can't see where I'm going. I'm going to run into something."

"I CAN SEE, DAD!" Noah declared. "It's THAT WAY!" he said. The finger briefly came away from Will's face to point in the direction of Gate 4. But then the foam smacked back to its bobbing position in front of Will's eyes – like he hadn't absorbed the request at all.

"I'm gonna get nachos – with EVERYTHING, Dad. But not hot peppers because they're gross. But you can eat the hot peppers if you want. And fries too. CHILI CHEESY FRIES! AND A FOOT-LONG! Can I have a soda?" Noah asked after a pause like suddenly he thought getting permission to have a sugary carbonated beverage was his biggest concern.

Noah really hadn't stopped rambling about what he was going to eat at the game since they hopped onto the B Train. They'd both left work early and picked up Noah – skipping dinner at home – to head up to the stadium for as soon as it opened the gates in the late afternoon.

The plan had been to try to avoid crowds on the subway and hopefully outside the stadium and lines at the various shops and stands inside. They should've known better for the last game of the World Series, though – and with seemingly the whole city jumping on board with the Yankees to bring home a win for New York in the wake of Sandy. Even getting there hours ahead of time – they were battling crowds. Olivia was working at protecting Noah from too much knocks and jars in the crowds while also on standby with the hand sanitizer every step of the way. Noah seemed completely unfazed by it, though. It was routine Mommy behavior to him at that point – and even if he found it a little overbearing, he was far too distracted by imagining what he'd get for dinner at the ballpark to care.

"Where are you even going to put all that food, Noah?" Liv asked.

"My belly!" he said.

She snorted and shook her head, mumbling a little bit under her breath about the likelihood of vomit that night. They hadn't gotten Noah's anti-nausea meds adjusted too well to deal with his new chemo protocol he was receiving by lumbar puncture yet. It felt like near everything they were putting into him was coming back up. The only good news was that it hadn't seemed to faze Noah's eating at all. Likely because there'd been lots of opportunities for special treats lately and he'd been verbalizing that puking up ice cream, chocolate pudding and chocolate milk, cupcakes and cookies was pretty tasty given other options. That thought nearly made her want to vomit herself – but even if she dwelled on it, she didn't think that puking up nachos, hotdogs and carbonated soda would be anywhere near as appealing. But, again, her and Will had already agreed that dinner was at the stadium that night and they wouldn't be denying their son the opportunity to get the ballpark junk food meal of his dreams.

She glanced at Will, though, feeling his eyes on her. At first she thought he was reacting to her mutterings but as she met his gaze she saw a different look in him. It was those soft eyes that seemed to almost be looking to her very core. The fixed gaze that had taken so long for her to get used to. She still wasn't sure she was entirely used to it. She just wasn't used to anyone looking at her that way – especially a man. Even four years of it hadn't been enough time for her to truly accept that look.

There were times when she was okay with it, though. Sometimes it made her feel wanted, desired, loved. It solidified in her mind that Will wanted her. That he was completely into her – completely in love with her. That his eyes weren't wandering elsewhere. That what they had was enough. That she was enough. That she was giving him what he needed – what he wanted.

She really was always second-guessing her ability to be a good wife. She wasn't sure she was. She wasn't sure she knew how to be. It wasn't like she had an example of what a wife should be growing up – not beyond what was on the television, which wasn't exactly what she'd ever aspired to. It was likely always going to be something she had to work on. She didn't know if she'd been a good friend to Will. Or a good girlfriend. Or a good fiancée. Now she was supposed to be his good wife. She was supposed to attend to his wants and his needs. Sometimes she knew she did better at that than other days. Some days she just didn't really care about his wants or needs. And some days she just ignored them. That likely didn't make for a good wife. But she tried. She loved him.

She wanted to be a good wife … and a good mother. So every now and then, when Will (or even Noah now) would gaze at her like that look he had at the moment, it upped her confidence just a bit. But the other 85 per cent of the time, it made her uncomfortable. It was like he was calling her bluff. Seeing the crack in her armor. Looking inside of her. Knowing her weaknesses and telling her he knew she couldn't do it all on her own. She hated sometimes that he knew that. That he knew her too well. She hated that she was vulnerable – but if she had to expose her vulnerabilities, she wouldn't want to do it with anyone other than Will.

Still she tried to get that gaze off of her. "You're carrying my son on your shoulders – you want to watch where you're going instead of looking at me?"

He snorted and gave her a growing smirk – but then looked back to navigating around the throngs of people. "You are a much better view," he quipped.

She just shook her head at him before shaking Noah's little foot in her hand. "Sweets, you can pick two unhealthy snacks – and small soda. But that's it," she stressed.

She knew it wasn't a very convincing rule she was handing out to her son. And like the souvenir, she knew that her and Will would likely cave and let him have a third snack if it was requested. The game was nine innings. The rate Noah was going, he was getting a snack for each one.

Noah seemed to reflect on the statement for a moment, though. "Mom – is a foot-long a snack or dinner?" he asked, giving her a questioning look.

She laughed out loud at that and looked up at him. "A hot dog is dinner. You aren't getting a foot-long, Noah. That's way too much hot dog. A hot dog, two snacks and a soda."

"Are nachos a snack or dinner?"

"Snack," she said a bit more sternly and looked at him. "Noah. A hot dog and two treats. That's it."

He gave her a small huff like she was really raining on his parade. He flopped his weight against the back of Will's neck and onto the top of his head a bit more as he reflected on the menu revisions that were apparently required now.

"What will you get?" Will asked allowing her shift in conversation. He usually conceded to that and allowed their mindless babble. They didn't have to always talk about work or the news or Noah's health or intelligent, smart … heavy things. They had too many heavy things in their lives and sometimes they just needed a break from it. They needed the small talk – the random, the mindless, the silly. Sometimes it was just easier to point out weird car colors, or the supper hour news lady's poofy hair, or philosophize on why tights and shorts were back in style (something that Will apparently took great offense to seeing his students in – especially now that it was early November and they'd already had snow).

"Mmmm. I'm thinking garlic fries. And a hot dog. And a beer."

"Garlic fries? You're really going to eat that?" Will asked, obviously skeptical of his health-conscious wife eating that much grease.

Olivia, though, was a little surprised he'd picked that to latch onto and not the beer. The addition of a beer had been meant to be the teasing comment designed to get his goat. In their discussions about how they were going to handle the evening – they'd also decided Will wouldn't be drinking. Not when it was going to be a late night and that many crowds for getting home and then he had to go into work the next day. She knew he wouldn't want to have just one and that two would likely be too many for him – not to mention paying for beers at the stadium was just ridiculous. She knew that if she ordered one, though, she'd share with him and let him get his minor buzz and to at least say he had his drink at the ballpark – be a man about it. His brothers and/or father would definitely ask – just to bug him.

"Yup. All that garlicky goodness combined with a layer of grease. What's not to like?" she gave him a teasing look.

"Gross," Will said flatly. "You trying to keep me away from you?"

She shrugged. "I wasn't planning on sharing," she allowed.

He snorted. "No home run for the World Series?" he quipped and gave her a teasing look, like he maybe half-ways expected she'd miss the innuendo.

It made her really roll her eyes, though. Will was a nice guy. The love of her life. Her best friend. But he was still such a guy – and a times such a teenaged boy. It was a good thing he was cute and had some smarts behind it. Or maybe she really would've kicked him to the curb. Not that he'd ever would've let her. She'd tried.

"I don't know. Will there be a home run for the World Series?" she put back to him. "You'll have to take that up with the Yankees."

That caused a smile to spread across his face but it only was allowed to last for a second before WHOP!

Olivia laughed. That time it did serve him right, she thought, as she watched Will crane his neck again trying to catch their son's eyes.

"Noah, seriously, cut it out with that foam finger!" he said with his own hint of laughter betraying the sternness in his voice.

Noah didn't even hear him. He was too excited. "DAD! LOOK! It has space for three heads!" he cried out and again pointed the direction he was looking at with the giant appendage. "LET'S GO!" he ordered.

Not hoisted above the crowd, it took Will a moment to figure out what the hell he was talking about. Three heads? But he still wandered in the direction Noah had pointed and as the crowds slowly parted for them, he saw the large piece of wood that had been stood up and decorated with the Yankees' baseball diamond and three caricatures of the ballplayers in silly outfits and holes in their heads for gullible passerbys – willing to wait in a line for the privilege of sticking their face in the holes.

Will looked down at Olivia, who was shaking her head with an eye roll. She'd hate this. She did silly at home. She occasionally did silly at the park. But silly out in public surrounded by this many people and documenting it on film? That was another story. Really, though, it only made Will want to appease their son's request even more. Push Liv's boundaries a bit. Drop some of those walls. Bring out that goofy, silly, funny side of her that he loved so much when she let him and Noah see it.

"Looks like it is waiting just for us, right, Mom?" Will said with a little sarcastic tone.

Olivia just glared at him but then saw Noah's hope-filled eyes at getting the opportunity to have a picture.

"OK," she sighed, "but then we need to get in and find out seats. We keep getting distracted."

They walked over to the line, which didn't seem too long considering. It was moving at an OK clip. People didn't seem to be dallying about it. It was New York. People were in a hurry. So they waited their turn and when finally directed up to the cut-outs, Olivia turned and handed the souvenir photographer her phone, asking him to take a picture on it as well. She wasn't sure they were making a killing with their photo-taking scheme. Though, she supposed some people would want the official snap printed out on the glossy paper with the date and the Yankees' stadium official border and team logo on it. She didn't think they'd be going quite that far – or that Noah realized that was what they were actually in line for.

They then went and picked their caricature. There wasn't much difference in the three as far as she was concerned. They were all in uniform – and really uniforms not too different from the white jerseys (that she knew she was going to have to be watching Noah like a hawk to make sure he wasn't slopping his treats all over his own or hers and Will's – lest they already be sending their wedding gifts in for an emergency visit to the dry cleaners) they had on. Each caricature was really just holding different equipment: a bat, a glove and catcher's gear. Noah insisted he was the batter and Will left it up to her which one she wanted. She thought about it for a moment and then picked the player with just a glove.

"You need the extra armor," she commented at him. "You're accident prone."

He snorted and gave her a look. "Says the woman who got shot."

She gave him a don't-go-there look. They didn't need to be going into dark places on what was supposed to be a happy night for them. They ended up in dark places enough. Their reality was dark enough. It certainly wasn't any caricature most of the time.

Will shrugged. "It's fine. I'm a great catcher. I caught you – didn't it?"

That really made her roll her eyes. But they all still managed to give goofy, happy grins before the photo was snapped and Olivia went to retrieve her phone.

"Mom! Lemme see! Lemme see!" Noah was literally jumping at her before she'd hardly had the thing returned to her hand.

Poor Will was left with no help at that point. Her and Noah had both abandoned him at the cut-out – letting him figure out how to collect all the belongings they'd dumped on the ground before taking the photo. So now he was stuck trying to juggle three gloves (though he'd shoved his own old, battered one from his childhood into the back of his jeans), Noah's giant foam finger, a rolled up sign they'd created for their own mini-cheering section that night that said "We just got married and all our family got us were these lousy seats", a backpack full of warmer jackets, beanies and mitts for as the sun went down – not to mention a blanket, a couple toys and emergency food and medicine supplies for Noah. He pulled his own cap back onto his head backwards and then began trying to collect pile the rest under his arms, over his shoulders, in his hands and on his back.

Will … always her packhorse, Olivia thought, giving him a glance and a smile. The privilege of having her own personal porter definitely made him worth keeping around. Though, he looked kind of ridiculous. It still didn't make her run to his aid, though. Instead, Olivia flipped to the picture and showed Noah, who was glowing.

"We look so cool!" he near yelled out in his excitement. "Can we print it?"

"Sure, sweets. I'll get you a baseball frame for your room," Olivia said with a smile.

She realized that she'd likely already just broke the one souvenir rule and was already weighing if they should walk the few steps to the little booth that the official photographs were going to – and become one of those suckers. Buying the embossed photo and a frame on the spot. But she liked the idea of Noah having pictures of them happy together for his room. To have a picture of a family for his room. To have a picture that included his mother for his room. Those were things she'd never had. It was things she wanted to be sure he always had.

Will managed to make it over to them and looked down at the picture too. He smiled widely and bent forward to place a small kiss against her forehead.

"Think we need to get a print-out for the living room too," he said. "It's a great shot"

"Sounds good, babe," she allowed with a smile. He looked so happy. "We've gotta have a picture of your big dream finally coming true."

"Nah. My dream came true a while ago, when I got you," Will said quietly. He'd meant it to come out as a teasing, sarcastic comment. But it came out with a seriousness that he seemed almost embarrassed by.

Olivia stopped and looked at him and he dodged her eyes – clearly feeling a little self-conscious at letting it slip. Noah was completely oblivious to the moment occurring between his parents and grabbed the phone back from her and began to take his own pictures of the ongoings around him – likely mostly legs of the crowd towering over and around him.

Olivia was a little surprised by Will's comment – even now. Just taken her aback to hear him express it quite that way. She knew she was his love. He showed that to her daily in so many ways. But his dream? She wasn't sure she'd envisioned herself as fulfilling quite that role for him. That she could be anyone's dream – let alone Will's.

"I don't deserve you," she finally said with a little headshake. She told him that regularly. It was her own insecurity – but there was also a truth to it. Will was such a kind, patient, loving man. He was so good to her and to her son. More days than not she was still surprised he'd stuck around. That he'd put up with her. That he waited for her. That he would do that because she was his dream?

"Liv, you seem to think you are so … undeserving of good. But you do deserve good. You deserve all the good things that this life can offer," he put back at her with that intensely fixed gaze again. But then his eyes softened a little teasingly. "Starting with Game 7, Yankees in the World Series, third base dugout seats next to your crazy son and nerdy husband, chowing down on a plate full of garlic fries and a cup of lukewarm overpriced beer."

Olivia snorted at his comment and smiled widely. Grabbing the rolled up sign and the one glove out of his one hand. She tucked the items under her arm and then took his hand in hers, reaching for Noah's with her other.

"Love you, Goofball," she informed him.

He smirked at her. "I love you too.

"AND I LOVE THE YANKEES!" Noah yelled as he skipped alongside them.

**And that's it people! Thanks for coming along for the ride. Hope you enjoyed it.**

**You can pick up on the Liv/Will/Noah chronicles in Rollercoaster (some chapters are up already). But be warned that I'm taking a bit of a break from this AU for the moment and will be focusing on Hello, Goodbye for a bit before diving into Rollercoaster. So join me over there - otherwise, I'll see you on the flipside.**

**Peace out.**


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